#maybe i'm good enough maybe i can finally admit that to myself lol holy shit

[dangerliesbeforeyou]

sometimes i do worry that i create so much art to make up for my lack of personality... but then i remember that the act of creation is literally pouring your soul into something and hoping others see a glimpse of you in there so actually maybe i'm alright lol

[the-inkwell-variable]

My first official fluff piece! Still kinda angsty, but it's cute - to a point lol

I'm so sorry. I cannot figure out how to add a read-more on this new formatting.

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Coming up with excuses to hang around the engine room was getting harder every day. Delivering messages for people was always an easy bet - the priest couldn't be bothered to crack his old knees on those stairs anyway - but the stupid crew on this stupid ship didn't send messages to the resident tinker very often.

She could always break stuff.  Parvati was always down to fix it, and whenever someone brought her some broken trinket, she got the cutest expression on her face - a weird mix between excitement and exasperation.  All of her shyness just completely vanished as she scolded them for being so careless with their things, revealing the true bullheaded nature behind her stammering, eager-to-please front.

But how long could she keep "accidentally" breaking her stuff before Parvati confiscated it, just like she did Felix's mechanical tossball action figure?  Not much longer, that was for damn sure.

And she couldn't just... show up and linger. What excuse would she use for that?  "It's too loud out there"? The engine room was way louder than the rest of the ship combined - even when Ellie and Vicar were screaming about philosophical bullshit in the cafeteria and Felix had his tossball match turned up to drown them out. Besides, she had soundproofed her bunk specifically to give herself a quiet space.

"I'm interested in mechanical engineering?" Ha! What a laugh. Every single person on the Unreliable knew that Nyoka didn't give two shits or a fuck less about fixing her own belongings, as long as she had the bits to pay someone else to do it.

The only option left was honesty, and let's face it: that wasn't her strong suit. She had a reputation as a badass (if constantly drunk) bounty hunter to maintain. Confessing that she enjoyed hanging out with the dorky engineer made her sound like a lovesick puppy - which she wasn't, for the fucking record. She didn't like Parvati like that. She just like getting the girl the ramble about her favorite topics, watching her face crinkle in concentration as she struggled with a complicated mechanical part, the way her face turned out a particularly off-color joke. There was no love there, and she'd sock anyone in the mouth that would even dare to suggest such a thing.

And yet, Nyoka still found herself lingering outside the cafeteria, sneaking furtive peaks at Parvati.  Look at her. Nibbling that snack cake like she's a baby sprat. God, she's so freaking adorable...  She turned away, her lip curling in a sneer of self-disgust as she took another drag from her flask. Even the rough burn of old whiskey couldn't drown the way her heart pounded against her chest.

God, what had this quiet mechanic from Edgewater done to her?

She didn't even realize that her feet had carried her into the room until she looked down and saw Parvati staring up at her. Her lips were smiling that tight-lipped smile that all polite folks gave when unexpectedly bumping into someone they barely know, but her eyes were confused, maybe even a little frightened. She hated that look. She wanted to grab the girl's shoulders and shake some common sense into her, to scream "Why are you afraid of me?! I'll kill everyone on the ship and myself if it would protect you!"

But she wasn't that dense. That would just scare the poor girl more, and the very thought of Parvati fearing her turned her stomach. Instead, Nyoka twisting her own lips into a smile and forced out, "Hey there, tinker. Didn't mean to scare you."

Parvati quickly shook her head in an obvious act of self-preservation. "Oh, not at all, Miss Nyoka! I was, um, just eating a quick snack. Got to stay fueled for the road!" She giggled awkwardly, and Nyoka wanted to wrap her arms around her and squish her tight - though whether it was to comfort her or to squeeze out the anxiety, even she couldn't say.

"With empty calories like that? You're going to burn through it and crash in an hour."  She strolled to the refrigerator, forcing herself to tame her trademark stomp to a casual strut. "What's the thing Junlei says all the time?  'Treat your body like a machine - quality fuel and plenty of rest, or you'll end up rusting like an overworked engine.'  I don't know anything about machines, but it sounds right. Here."  She tossed a small container of food to the confused girl.  "Cystipig stew. Homemade. It's something my - one of my old teammates used to make. The methane added a kick, but Boss says I'm not allowed to flood the kitchen with explosive gas."  She scoffed as she dropped into the chair across the table.  "Coward."

Parvati let out a soft laugh escape as she tentatively scooped out a spoonful of stew, and Nyoka's heart fluttered in her chest in a way that was surely heartburn and nothing else. "I can't imagine methane making anything taste better... Except maybe mantisaur. Is it true that people eat mantisaur on Monarch?"

"Only if they're really desperate. As in, 'I've already eaten the floorboards and my roommate' desperate."

Parvati's spoon hovered before her mouth as she shot Nyoka a part-horrified, part-rebuking glance. "You shouldn't joke about such horrible things. People suffer through terrible hardships - it's cruel to make fun of them."

The urge to retort was powerful. She wanted to snap back that, as someone who spent years as one of those people, she could say whatever she damn well pleased about the subject - that according to Holy Man DeSoto, making jokes about the subject was 'an ingrained coping mechanism that helped her deal with her trauma' or whatever. But - and she could not for the life of her understand why - she kept her mouth shut.

Parvati stiffened to brace herself for the inevitable backlash, but when none came, she relaxed just enough to taste the offered stew. Her eyebrows shot into her messy brow. "This is really good! You said that your former teammate made this?"

"She - created the recipe, yeah." Nyoka couldn't meet her gaze, not what the lump growing in her throat. "That's not important though. You really like it? Even without the methane?"

"It's delicious. It tastes like - oh, what was it dad used to say?" She scrunched her face as she wracked her brain, and the lump in Nyoka's throat dissolved like sugar. "Tastes like Grandma used to make. It's homey and warm, like curling up in a freshly made bed after a hard day of work." She took another bite and closed her eyes, chewing slowly as if to relish every bite. "Mm... I can see why you treasured that teammate. If her personality was anything like her food, she was a really amazing person. "

Nyoka shook her head as she gazed at Parvati, her lips twitching into a rare genuine smile. "God... You're so nice. I... I want to kiss you."

Parvati's eyes drifted open to focus on Nyoka's face. "What did you say?"

Nyoka stared back, frozen in place as her stomach clenched tightly. Oh God - what to do? She couldn't admit what she just said! But what to say?

Parvati sat up straight now, her head tilting ever-so-slightly. Her bottom lip jutted out to give her an adorably confused pout. "Nyoka?"

And now she was taking too long to respond - fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck - In a panic, Nyoka blurted out, "If you died, I wouldn't miss you!"

They both froze, staring at each other - Nyoka in horror, Parvati in confusion. As the gravity of her panic response settled upon them, Nyoka clenched her fists under the table. Her face burned with shame while Parvati's face paled beneath her dusky complexion. Tears began to collect in her amber eyes, and she turned her head down and away. "I - I see. I'm sorry for whatever I said that made you feel that way, Miss Nyoka." She pushed the chair back and stood up, her hands trembling at her side. "I'll just go."

"Parvati, no -" Nyoka reached out instinctively then snatched her hand back. "I didn't - that's not what I - God damn it!" Slamming her fists against the table, she threw her chair to the floor in her haste to get up and storm from the cafeteria.  You're not running away, she assured herself as she locked the door to her sleeping pod, longing now more than ever for the ability to slam the door with a satisfying bang.  You're taking a step back to collect yourself and figure out what you're going to say to fix this.  She punched the door and spun to slide the ground, leaning against it and feeling, for the first time in her life, like a serial character. "Fucking hell, Nyoka..." she muttered as she pinched her brow between her fingers.  "You're really in the shit this time. You and your fucking mouth... "

It took an hour and several gulps from her flask to calm her nerves and figure out exactly what she was going to say, but finally Nyoka was ready to tackle the hardest battle she'd ever had to face. Taking a deep breath (and another swig for courage), she opened her door and walked to the kitchen. It took every ounce of self-control she had to keep her body still. Treat this like capturing a raptidon, she encouraged with every step.  Don't show fear. Never show fear. You're the baddest bitch on Monarch. They make fucking serials about your adventures. You can handle apologizing to a dorky girl from a hick town.

Despite her totally awesome pep talk, she still had to pause outside the cafeteria and rest her forehead on the cool door frame.  You can do this.  Deep breath. You know exactly what you're going to say. Just go in, stay on script, and get out. No ad-libbing. You want this to be another Angeline Graves situation?  'course not. All right. Countdown. 3. 2.... 1.

Inhaling deeply, Nyoka pushed open the door and stepped inside. "Parvati, I -"

She stopped short as a sob interrupted her and allowed her blurry eyes to take in the room. Parvati slumped over the table, sobbing into the crook of her arm. "I don't understand what I did! Why -hic- did she have to be so cruel? I thought we were bonding!"

"Hey, it's not your fault," Ellie soothed, rubbing comforting circles between Parvati's shoulders. "Nyoka is a terrible person. She's probably drunk again - she's a total ass when she's drunk. Just ignore her, okay Par?" She looked up and scowled when she saw Nyoka. "What do you want?"

Nyoka couldn't respond; her tongue felt like a dead fish between her teeth. She could only stare, stunned, at Parvati's shuttering form. The realization that she had done this - her cruel words, spat in a moment of sheer panic, had reduced her shy, cheerful crush to a complete emotional wreck - drove like a dagger into her heart.

Ellie was right. What kind of absolute scumbag would do something so awful to such an absolute angel?

"Hey, dipsomaniac. Do you fucking mind?" When she still didn't answer, Ellie raised her other hand to snap her fingers impatiently. "Christ, are you that drunk? The fuck do you want?"

Nyoka finally snapped out of it. "Nothin'," she muttered, lowering her gaze to the floor. "Don't want nothin'." She grabbed two bottles of purpleberry wine and shuffled back to her room, ignoring the muttered scoffs behind her. As soon as the door was securely locked, she sank into her soft cot and popped the first cork.  "Here's to being the baddest bitch on Monarch," she whispered, the first salty tear trickling between her lips, "and the fucking worst person on the Unreliable.

Cheers."

[meulinthekittytroll]

Rant af I'm sorry

Yunno I don’t know what my dads problem is with my boyfriend. He doesn’t like him, at all. And I honestly have no idea why. Maybe it’s because this is the only relationship he’s seen me in? I’m not sure But if my dad could have seen all my past relationships he’d understand why B is probably the only one I could ever want to be with. There were some major people who impacted my life in negative ways and I’m still recovering from them. I will point out the major ones First there was David. He tried to kill me once, and manipulated me and made my self esteem plummet. (Grade 3-7) Yes, I know, 3rd through 7th grade and he tried to KILL you? Are you over exaggerating? No I’m not lol. Then there was Devin. He was the first boy to cheat on me. Which made my self esteem plummet even further. He also was the first boy to treat me… like I wasn’t a person I guess?? I don’t know how to describe that one but it made me feel very inferior. (Grade 6) young I know but shoosh this shit can happen at any age if you let it happen. Then there was Max. We never actually dated, but he is still very important because oh boy I crushed on this boy HARD from 8th to 10th grade. He and I had a thing going on in 8th grade but never quite did anything about it which only made me like him more. Then 9th grade came along and we only got closer but still didn’t quite do anything. (I also had a boyfriend at that time that I’ll get to in JUST a second) Finally 10th grade came along and I FINALLY made a move, only to get shot down, HARD. That was partly my fault I suppose for being too scared to tell him my feelings earlier than that. But still, ouch ouch that hurt me a lot. Jacob, the boyfriend mentioned just a second ago, this was a long distance relationship. He was a couple years older than me and I had never met him in person, I dated him because I was extremely lonely. This lasted almost a year, but not quite. It started out really fun because I could lowkey flirt with Max but still have someone to go home to and text and get the feelings of love that Max didn’t give me, I know I know that’s borderline cheating but hey I was in 9th grade and I was stupid in love with Max and it was just a messy time in my life and Ive obviously learned from it and cheating is disgusting ugh……. ihatemyselfAAAAnyways, as the months rolled by, things slowly went downhill with this Jacob kid. He just was a downer. We both were depressed and got even sadder when we realized we couldn’t meet for a long time blah blah you get the point everything was a mess and he made me extremely unhappy, that was a very toxic relationship and I’m glad nothing ever became of it. I haven’t talked to him in almost a year, I hope he’s doing well. Also in 10th grade I developed this crush on this boy named Anthony and he was a dorky kind of cute, tall and scrawny but still muscly, I dug it. I flat out told him I liked him bc I didn’t want another Max situation and he seemed interested at first until he told one of his friends that doubled as my friend that he wasn’t interested so I obviously found out and got shot down again. Ouch! When that didn’t happen I started talking to a good friend I also met over the internet named Gavin and wowie did this boy make me feel wanted and loved. I had a brief thing with him previously but it never followed through, due to the fact that he was a dickbag and cheated on me and blamed it on some personality disorder where he needed more than one girlfriend to be satisfied *cough* bullshit *cough* but anyways, I tried it with him again the summer going into 11th grade c he was sooooooo sorry and loved me soooo much and wanted to marry me (gag!) anyways, things were good for a while but then he slowly stopped talking to me and cheated again and all this other shit and as my confidence in myself slowly went down the garbage disposal as it had been since like 4th grade, I finally told myself enough is enough and told him I was done with him. I told myself I was done with boys until the right one came along and treated me right. As a junior at a new school with no friends, I assumed it would take until junior year of COLLEGE to even consider boys again (besides possibly sleeping around once I got too tired of being a virgin kek) But yunno, life throws unexpected things at you. I remember the night so clearly. I went to bed finally content with being alone, not having to worry about any boy cheating on me or making me feel bad or putting me down constantly. Then, wouldn’t you know it, the NEXT FUCKIN DAY, this super duper cute boy I had seen a few times around school walked into my first period photography class. And I thought to myself “fuck.” Bc I immediately knew something would happen between us. This boy was he perfect mix of goofy, nerdy, and cute as fuck, with a hint of holy shit you’re SEXY. Exactly my type. Tall, dark, and handsome (a spongebob reference has never been more relatable) ((besides maybe “i’m surrounded my idiots”)) ANNYYYWAYS Me and this kid start talking bc I grew a pussy (not balls bc balls are sensitive and vaginas take a pounding) and gave the kid my Snapchat. That same day I reaaallly wanted a chance to talk to him so I posted a pic on my story of me and my dog havin’ a blast (rip Lily u will be missed ily thank you for being the reason the loml messaged me for the first time) anywho, HE MESSAGED ME FIRST AND WE STARTED TALKING AND SHIT bc he thought my dog was cute af (which she was!!!!) and we kept talking and talking and found we had so much in common and finallyyyy we admitted to each other we liked each other and started dating soon after and I’m spare you all the mushy details of how that came to be. Back to the reason why I started writing this little rant/story in the first place. My dad borderline hates the guy. But what my dad doesn’t understand (which is a lot but these next few sentences are important) Every single relationship I’ve had, was with a guy who has done nothing but lead me on, cheat on me, or abuse me (both physically (which only happened twice thank god) and mentally (which happened SO MUCH OH MY GOD it’s so much harder to catch that than actually getting physically abused) Yet, my current boyfriend…. we’re gonna call him B, bc his name is unique and I don’t want people knowing who I am if this ever gets read by someone who knows me and cares enough to read though all of this. B is the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out. He makes me feel important. He makes every day a blessing. When I first moved in with my dad in the beginning of 11th grade, I was a complete shut in. I hardly ever left my room besides to eat and bathe. After I met B, I started opening up and spending time with the family, and I made such amazing friends at school that I would have never talked to if it weren’t for him. B makes everything exciting. Of course we have had our fair share of bumps in the road, but ever healthy relationship does. And yunno what else healthy relationships do? They talked them through and fix the problems!!! B has made it so clear to me that I am worth all of the shit that goes on sometimes, and believe me I can be crazy so that is saying something. And oh boy is he a package deal too. He’s constantly got something going on, he’s quite frankly an idiot sometimes. But hey, he’s my idiot! I’ve never woken up and been happy about being alive since I was like 10, until B came around. B completely flipped my view of the world around. We tell each other this thing all the time because weird kinda opposites when it comes to certain things. He looks like the moon, but is the sun. And I look like the sun, but am the moon. He has dark hair and he’s got olive skin (very Italian looking) looking like a human version of the moon. But he has this optimistic view on life, the personality of the sun. Then there’s me; golden brown hair with fair skin, I look like the sun. But I’m kinda a pessimist, and I also am quite the night owl (he definitely isn’t!) personality of the moon. That might not make sense to you, but it does to us. I’m getting side tracked. The whole fuckin point is, I hadn’t felt true happiness since I was 10 until I met this guy. My dad says we aren’t going to last. My dad barely even lets me see him outside of school once a week, and when he does let me he always gives this disapproving scowl and scoff when I ask to see my boyfriend (who I have been with for well over a year now) once a week. Oh and by the way, he LIVES with his girlfriend who he’s only been dating a few more months than B and I have been. I wonder what he’d feel like if the roles were reversed. Yunno? Like he gets to see his gf every day and sleep next to her ever night, but the moment I want to see B, I get a scowl and a reluctant confirmation that I can see him on the day I asked to see him on. I’m sorry for all this rant and I know it’s probably all over the place but I just really really had to get it out because I don’t know why my dad is so unhappy with me being with a guy who makes me so happy. It’s not like B is a delinquent. He has two jobs (one is a photography business, he does really well with it actually he shoots for weddings and shit he’s an amazing photographer ((he only took the photography class at my school for the credit and to laugh at how low quality everything was at the school and how badly they taught it))) and he’s polite and respectful. My father truly has no reason to not like him, he has no idea how badly I’ve been treated up until I met B. B treats me better than anyone ever has, including my dad. Everyone else in my family loves him! Not nearly as much as I love the son of a bitch tho. I truly grew up from 3rd grade on getting belittled and cheated on and made to feel terrible, and if my dad knew that or understood it, maybe he wouldn’t hate the boy that made me happy to be alive again. Thank u for the ppl who took the time to read this through even tho I doubt anyone will do that bless u ilysm