#maybe i will be less stressed with 9 hrs sleep each night

[rabbits-of-negative-euphoria]

all right. goal for this week. 9 hours of sleep. every night.

[yuzukult]

under the moonlight ii (m) || junmyeon & reader

title: under the moonlight ii pairing: junmyeon/suho x reader genre: ceo!reader, hint of soulmate!au, a lil bit of smut but barely notes: enjoy! this is the final part (also second part) of under the moonlight! this is one of my favorites to write, although i did not feel like i did my best on the first part, i tried even harder on this portion. 

will also proofread later, i just am content to be done !!! lmao part one || final

Junmyeon describes his first love as a city— the towering buildings that surround each other, the bustling of traffic, and the abundance of people that populate the sidewalk on an everyday basis. She’s a beauty who’s besieged by people— both friends and family, and a social butterfly without realizing. She kept herself busy as an architect, constantly producing new designs, revising old ones. He says she’s a dream chaser yet loved the simple things about life. It had been one of the things he admired most about her. 

The words he said to her when he decided to let her go was along the lines of: Chanyeol had been the light in her city. Junmyeon considered himself the stars— under the moonlight in the luminous city, you don’t see the stars because the lights are blinding. The beauty of the stars doesn’t do justice in the city.

You think Junmyeon isn’t in the stars. You think he’s been the moonlight all along, the light you see even in the illuminated city. They just weren’t willing to take a chance on something that seemed impossible.

Your memory is hazy on how you got here, but you’re sitting on your desk, skirt hiked up to your stomach with Junmyeon’s head in between your legs. His skin under the moonlight glistens with beauty, and you can’t help but repeatedly tell yourself how lucky you are that you are soulmates with this man. Everything about Junmyeon makes you feel like you’re on cloud 9. Fingers intertwining with his soft brown locks and palm against the foggy glass table, your breath hitches in your throat as he sticks in another finger into your heat.

“Junmyeon!”

Pulling away, he grins innocently with his lips glistening with your juices, he makes you think how insane you look compared to him. How could he look so pure after doing the dirtiest thing to you in your office? Anyone who has ever rejected him in this lifetime must feel like he’s the one who got away. As if the sex in the bedroom isn’t enough, he’s bold enough to do it in the office.

Thankfully, Junmyeon isn’t too risky, just risky enough. It’s Friday and everyone on the floor has gone home early, now the time being 6:00pm, it’s just the two of you. It started off innocent— Junmyeon bringing you a cup of tea and some biscuits since you found yourself stuck here for another night with another launch for a new line coming out soon. He’d always been supportive, if not more now, after dating for half a year, and never failed to swoon you.

“You look stressed,” He said, rounding your desk with a mischievous look hanging on his lips.

“Junmyeon... no.”

“You haven’t even been home that often lately, let me help you unwind.”

And after a couple glares, he pouts and immediately has you under his spell.

“Fuck, Junmyeon, just take your goddamn fingers out of me and pull your dick out your pants so you can fuck me on my desk.”

“Weren’t you just shooting daggers at me with your eyes earlier telling me no?” He raises a brow teasing but complies with your instruction anyways, standing in front of you, unbuckling his belt and tugging his zipper down. Demands from you always deserved a comeback response but he never failed to abide by your needs.

“Well, we’re already in too deep anyways so let’s just go all the way.”

Pulling himself out his pants, his eyes are hooded as he presses his forehead against yours while you wrap your legs around his waist, dragging him closer. He looks heavenly like this; hair disheveled with his shirt unbuttoned all the way, exposing his well-built chest, and his tie disappeared somewhere in the room. You’re thankful he’s been heading to the gym with his friends lately because all you want to do is lick his abs, despite how weird you feel about it but Junmyeon doesn’t reject your wants and lets you do it anyway.

He’s pumping himself while his cloudy gaze meets yours, lips parted and swollen. Groaning, you grab him closer with your legs as he stumbles with a chuckle at your eagerness. “Take it easy, baby.”

“Junmyeon, I swear to god if you don’t finish what you started— oh fuck,” he’s tired of your complaining and plunges himself into you sharply, interrupting your nagging. Albeit the fact you’re always debating with him about things, he still loves you nonetheless and drools at the sight of you, especially right now with how your skin glimmers in sweat under the lights of your office.

Junmyeon’s face is nuzzled into your neck, gently biting and sucking on the skin while humming against you as his hips thrust in and out of you harshly. You’re trying to stay quiet, but the way his body moves against yours and how much he stretches you is overwhelming that you’re suddenly thankful Johnny agrees to take an early leave today or else you’d never hear the end of it.

Grabbing your legs from behind him, he unravels you from his body before pushing you down further on the desk, your legs up closer to your frame as he pounds harder. “Shit,” he mutters under his breath. “How are you still so tight? Stop clenching, I might cum too fast.”

“Isn’t that that the point?” You snarled, arms around his neck as you caress his nape. “I have work to get done tonight.”

Lifting your body from the desk with his hands under your thighs, he’s carrying you effortlessly to another part of the room, shoving you against the wall before quickening his pace. Unable to hold back your moans, your hands shift to his shoulder, grasping onto the broadness of it. “I also have work to get done tonight, and it’s to make you cum first.”

He made you release twice after that before letting himself reach his own high.

Outside of the bedroom—except it was in your office today— Junmyeon was a soft boyfriend. He was everything that you had wished Eunwoo was and you didn’t need to mold him to have those qualities, he already had them. You weren’t entirely sure if it was the biological effects of finding out that he’s your soulmate, but you’re glad it’s him.

Straightening your skirt after a sinful session, you look up and see Junmyeon already sprawled on your office chair, trying to catch his breath. “Why are you panting so hard? You said you’ve been working out lately and uh... it’s evident on your body.”

He raises a brow teasingly before letting out a chuckle between his breaths. “I see you’ve been checking me out lately. Just had a big lunch was all.”

“Big lunch?”

“Well you took that guy out from HR to lunch today, and I figured since I wasn’t going to eat with you, I should grab something for myself.”

“... you went alone?” You’re mimicking his expression now with your brows lifted in question.

“... well,” He’s running his fingers through his luscious damp locks from his sweat. “I went with Hana and Johnny.”

Squinting your eyes at your other half, you cross your arms against your chest as he watches you carefully. “What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Shrugging your shoulders, you lean against the desk that he had just fucked you senseless on moments ago, only for you to regain the authority yet again. “Hana? As in, Lee Hana?”

“What about her?”

“She doesn’t like me.” You frown, shoulders drooping. Junmyeon lets out a light laugh, pushing the chair into your direction before sitting your legs in between his thighs. “So what? Johnny and I like you.”

“She complains about me to you guys. Plus, I think she has a tiny crush on you.” Although you and Junmyeon had been meeting frequently for lunch, it’d always be away from the office. Keeping the relationship a secret between his colleagues was an agreement set in place once you’d officially started dating him, but it was getting a bit difficult once you realized how many girls actually ogled at the sight of him.

Pressing his lips against the back of your hand, he then puts the palm of it to rest on his cheek. “I’m not quite catching on what you’re saying.”

“You don’t know that she likes you? Ugh, Junmyeon—“

“No, I meant that I know she does, and was very persistent about taking me to lunch, so I asked Johnny to join me. So what if she likes me? I have you.”

“She doesn’t know that,” You snarled, eyes darting at him. “She’s going to think you’re available.”

He shakes his head, gifting your palm a kiss. “She can think whatever she wants. I have you and you’re all I need.”

There’s silence in the room for a moment as you’re shuffling through your thoughts before shattering the glass of quietude. “Are you mad that we’re keeping this a secret?”

His eyes search the meaning behind the question in your orbs, observing your expression. “I’m not mad.”

“Disappointed?”

“No, I just... forget sometimes.” He admits, pecking the skin of your thigh gently before leaning back in the seat. “I want to give you a kiss before heading out the office some days and I get the urge but stop midway. Sometimes I want to see your face once you get the flowers I send you on other days and deliver them myself but I know I can’t. But there’s no need to be mad about it.”

A wash of regret cascades over your face as you frown at your significant other. Junmyeon was an embodiment of a gentleman; patiently waiting for you even though your schedule had always been packed, delivering food during those restless hours, cleaning your home so when you got back after days sleeping in the office, you had less responsibilities to tend to... he was actually perfect.

Maybe that was also his flaw. He was too perfect. Was it everyone or just you that seems to be drawn to men who women always sought after?

“What’s this?” Junmyeon asks, standing beside Johnny in your office with a hand in his slacks’ pocket. His other hand was occupied by his phone, holding up the email invitation to a company banquet. “Why am I suddenly invited to this?”

“And the better question is why am I invited to this?” Johnny adds.

“It’s a company banquet, hence the word company. Everyone in the company is invited, guys. What’s so hard to understand about that?”

Johnny drops his body on the leather couch, plopping his legs on the table as you grimace after the sight. “We’ve never had something like this before. Why suddenly now?”

“Remember that guy I had lunch with from HR last week?”

The two men glance at each other before responding at the same time. “Yeah?”

Leaning against the desk, crossing your arms over your chest, you continue. “He suggested we do something like this. Would be good for... company bonding or something.”

“Don’t we see each other enough?” Johnny snaps, Junmyeon chuckling at his response. “I think what he means is, are you sure that enough people would be of attendance?”

“Well, I invited the top investors to come, too. They’re copied on the email, so hopefully people will see and RSVP?”

Johnny is mute briefly before quietly asking, “Will that guy from that record company we talked about be there?” 

Tapping your finger against your chin, you playfully look around your room, feigning in thought. “Possibly. If you attend, you’d know.” Johnny looks over at Junmyeon with a bright smile glued to his face before waving. “Well, I’m sold. You’re in it alone, brother. Deuces!” Peacing out, Johnny shuts the door behind him as Junmyeon sighs, shaking his head. “And now I’m alone.”

“What’s wrong, baby?”

“You really want to do a whole banquet?” He asks, locking his phone and sliding it back into his pocket. “You’re already so stressed out. Why would you want to arrange a large event like this around the same time span as the launch?”

He’s worried. Junmyeon isn’t mad about the event, he’s concerned about your workload and how you’d be able to juggle between taking care of yourself and dealing with the launch, including the event.

“Come on, you know I have to do something for the people here.”

“No, you don’t. At least, you can do it later, so why now?” You shrug, slouching in your position. “I don’t know. It just feels lately like nothing is enough.”

“Oh baby,” He frowns, making his way to you with his hands cupping your cheeks. “You’re enough. You’re more than enough for me. You’re an amazing boss, and John out there can vouch for that. You don’t need to overwork yourself just to prove something.”

“Doesn’t matter anyways. The invitation is out and already done.”

“Okay, so new problem requires a new solution. Hire a team, or better yet, ask the HR department to plan the banquet. I’m sure they’d be more than happy to do it, just give them a budget and I’m sure they won’t fail you.”

You freeze. The idea of delegating freaked you out a little. Or a lot.

“Junmyeon.” He reiterates the tone after yours, stating your name. “That’s... quite a lot I’m giving up here.”

“Yeah, you’re also giving up your health in the process. You’re still young— yes, and incredibly young at that— but keep in mind that you don’t have a successor in mind. If you’re not healthy, imagine who potentially could sit in your seat and manage the entire company. I can almost 100% guarantee to you that you would not be happy with who they may select.”

You groan frustratedly, standing straight before digging your face into his chest, muffling your own words. “It should be me doing all of this.”

He shakes his head. “You just think that it should be you.”

Trapped behind your desk, you’ve still managed to take a transient break from all your tasks. Tapping your fingers against the table, and swirled by your contemplations, remorse fills your face at the memory of Junmyeon the other day, speaking genuinely about how he felt as though he couldn’t truly express his love for you publicly. Suddenly, an idea comes to mind.

Quickly typing in a web address, you click on several items into your order before punching in your credit card info. Leaning back after the “order confirmation” pulls up, you grin in content.

“Flowers for Junmyeon?”

Junmyeon’s head peeks from his cubicle at the sound of his name, furrowing his brows in confusion. “Uh, I’m Junmyeon,” He says as he gets up from his seat, walking over to the delivery man. “You sure this is for me? And not from?” Did he make a mistake? He didn’t recall making any orders today.

“Says to Junmyeon and... from...” At the sound of your name escaping from the delivery man’s lips, Junmyeon’s eyes irradiates. “Wait— really?”

“Who is sending you flowers?” Hana approaches from behind, attempting to see over Junmyeon’s shoulder by standing on the tips of her toes. With the note in his hand, he swiftly slides it into his pocket, looking over at the female immaculately. “Uh, secret admirer.”

She rolls her eyes. “Oh come on, oppa. Let me see.”

He shakes his head in response. “I told you, it’s from a secret admirer.”

“Junmyeon! We’re friends here. Let me see!”

“It’s from me.” You stop in the midst of your tracks in the middle of the aisle of cubicles after the delivery man makes an exit. Adjusting the folders and binders in your arms, you hum. “I got Junmyeon the flowers.”

“Do you need help?” Junmyeon steers away from the topic, hands aiming to take some of the items in your hands. “No, I’m okay. Do you like the arrangement I picked out? And did you see the note?”

“Of course I saw the note,” He says, voice quiet. “But let’s talk about that later. We’re at work.”

“I don’t care. Doesn’t affect my work ethic nor yours, so why does it matter to anyone else?”

Hana’s mouth is agape during the conversation, bowing when you recognize her presence. “Hi, boss. Uh, you sent Junmyeon the flowers?”

“Yes, I’m asking him out to the company banquet.”

“Like... as a date?”

You nod at her direction. “As a date.”

“Oh... I was going to ask Junmyeon. Maybe he can decide which of us he wants to take?” She suggests, shoulders shrugging. “No offense, but isn’t it kind of weird if an employee goes with their boss? Don’t know if Junmyeon is uncomfortable...” Her eyes trail at the end of the sentence to read the expression on his face, only to see him with his gaze holding onto yours.

“He’s not uncomfortable, are you, Junmyeon? You can tell me honestly. If not, HR is always down the hall.”

Junmyeon sighs, taking some of the binders from you, regardless of your refusal. “Of course not.” He glances over at Hana with an apologetic look before giving her a half bow. “I’m sorry, Hana. I’m going to excuse myself.”

“Consider who you’re taking, will you?”

Pausing for a moment in silence before taking a glimpse at you, he chews on his bottom lip anxiously. “I’m taking her, I’m sorry. It’s a no brainer for me— always.”

She scoffs. “Is it because she’s the CEO? You’re not feeling pressured, are you? Because if this is a bigger issue than it seems, we should go to HR. She shouldn’t be treating you like this, it isn’t fair—“

“We’re dating.” He finally admits, the red flushing his cheeks. “We’ve been dating a couple months now.”

“You’re fucking dating. What did she threaten you with?”

“Why do you think I have to threaten him in order for him to like me?” You question, genuinely curious. She seemed to have been very persistent with her stance.

She looks at you with a stare that reads ‘is it not obvious’ but you’re honestly uncertain what she’s going to say next. “You’re here hours of the night. You rarely ever go home, reject that guy who keeps coming to ask you out for lunch— don’t think we don’t know— and he finally gave up on you and now you’ve come running to someone else? Don’t you think you seem a little desperate?”

“Desperate for what? I liked her first.”

“But did she ask you out first?”

“Yeah, but—“

“Don’t you feel tricked, Jun oppa?” The nickname she gives him brings heat to your ears but you hold your composure. “Does she even make time for you? Does she even care for you? I mean— you’re even keeping this a secret from everyone, especially your friends.”

You feel so small. Ever since becoming CEO of your own company, you’ve had moments where people talked down on you but never an employee. You’d always tried to establish a good relationship between them and yourself, gaining some level of respect, but for the first time, someone confronted you in this type of manner and you’re unsure how to approach the situation.

“Stop, Hana.” Junmyeon says, interrupting her rant of questions. “My work friends don’t know. My personal life friends? All of them know, she has met them all. I don’t mind that she works so late and so frequently, it doesn’t bother me, but I do worry that it’ll deteriorate her health. Hana, you’re a nice friend and a great person. I know you are, but you speaking about her this way makes me second guess that.”

Fuming, she snags the bouquet of flowers you’ve sent him and slams it into the ground. “How dare you talk to me like that?”

“Hana, please go and cool down. I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret.” You advise, trying to grab back your possessions from Junmyeon. “I have a meeting to head to. I’ll catch you later.”

“Why’d you have to send it during office hours?”

You’re brewing tea in your small, cozy apartment downtown in Seoul, just enough space for yourself. Although a penthouse fit your budget, you knew the home would be too quiet and lonely for you.

“You mentioned how sometimes you forget we’re hiding it from people. I just wanted to do something nice for you. You’re always getting me things and taking care of me.”

Watching you from the couch, he ruffles his end of day hair with remains of gel in it. The top few buttons of his shirt are unbuttoned and his belt is already off, legs laying on the foot rest. “Baby, you already do so much for me. You’re you, keeping me company and making me happy. And didn’t I already tell you that it’s okay we’re hiding it?”

“Okay, but why does it feel like that’s it? That’s all I have to offer you and I’m even making you keep this a secret.”

“I have a job because of you. I’m happy because of you.”

“But that’s not me— that’s my title, Junmyeon. The CEO me gave you a job, not the personal life me. How am I contributing anything to you? Hana makes a point, you know. I should be threatening you with something to date me, or else it wouldn’t make any sense because I have nothing to offer you.”

“Baby...” His voice is softer now albeit his steps are getting closer to you, wrapping his arms around your frame from behind. “You’re enough. Stop thinking you aren’t. You’re such a confident woman, yet at the same time you want to make everyone happy but it’s exhausting you out.”

“Making people happy makes me happy.”

“Be happy that you’re happy.”

“I— I am happy with myself. I achieved my dreams, I even met my soulmate.”

“Then what’s wrong?” His forehead crinkles in confusion.

“I just... want to be enough for you. Money and materialistic items aren’t things that impress you. You were so in love with a girl who had already met her soulmate and let her go when you weren’t ready. I’m afraid I can’t get you to love me up to that par. Everything we have is biological.”

Though your tone is serious, he manages to let out a chuckle. “Is that what you’re worried about? I was in love with you way before knowing any of that stuff. Chanyeol used to have dreams about her yet he still didn’t love her until later. He took his time, but eventually loved her for her. This whole soulmate thing is unpredictable and you know that. You were in that research thing.”

“Research group,” You correct, turning off the gas knob when the kettle sings.

“Research group,” he clarified, bringing your body to face him. “You are my soulmate, period. But before knowing that, you were my boss who I had a major crush on. I stayed those nights in your office and had dinners with you on that annoying wobbly coffee table— which I want to point out, you have enough money to replace— and you still think that way? You let me experience my dreams without even knowing my capabilities, you believed in me when I didn’t. You’ve given me constructive criticism, disagreed with me, and yet still stayed through those heated arguments. Our love languages are different. I’m truly happy what you’ve given me.”

“Are you sure?” 

“More than anything.” He bumps his forehead into yours before leaning in to peck the tip of your nose. “Please trust me.”

Junmyeon has on a black suit that matches the material of your midnight dark off-the-shoulder dress that lengths down pass your legs. He’s the resemblance of Prince Charming— an asian doppelganger, to say the least. Hair recently dyed brown and slicked back with a new cut, he has a way of effortlessly handsome in the most simplistic way.

“Hey, love.” He has a grin wider than the Cheshire Cat, but is the opposite of the character— heart warm for everyone and tugging on their heartstrings just from his smile. Junmyeon has a way of looking at you as if you’re the heroine to his story when in reality, he’s the one who has saved you.

“Hey,” You say airily; the sight of him dressed so formally has the breath taken out of your lungs. “You look good.”

“Thank you, you look even better.” Arms wide with invitation, you comply and shuffle close to him. “When did you get this lovely dress? I’ve never seen you wear it before.”

“You act like we go to black tie events on a daily basis.”

Pulling you close in his embrace, he puckers his lips. Abiding by his request, you gift him a quick peck. “We don’t, but I wish you wore this for me. You look... ravishing.”

“Ravishing?”

“Yes, that’s what I said. Ravishing. You look great, baby. Come, let’s head out.”

“I—“ Hand wrapped around Junmyeon’s wrist after he turns to exit, he flips back with a curious gaze. “What’s wrong, bubby?”

“What if Hana told everyone by now? I haven’t exactly been in the office for a few days with all the meetings that have been going on... what will they think of me?”

“Of you dating? Nothing, you’re a grown woman. You can date.”

You look at him sternly. “No, I meant of me dating an employee. They’re going to think I’m trying to exploit you or something.”

He sighs, hands on your cheeks as he pushes them together to purse your lips. “I don’t really know what’s going to happen. I have some privilege as a man because no one is going to say anything to me, but I know they’ll make some sly comments at you about it. Regardless, know that those people don’t matter. You’re a successful woman who is respectful and kind toward everyone, and her being bitter shouldn’t effect us.”

You’re internally freaking out. The moment you step into the venue, you’re too scared to even fully absorb and admire the work that the HR department made, watching the gazes of those around you. Despite the fact that the man linking arms with yours was the most beautiful person anyone has ever seen, the eyes of those in the room lock onto your figure. It was hard to tell the difference between their judging stares or if it’s because of your position in the company.

 Right on cue, Junmyeon leans over and whispers in your ear. “They’re looking at you because of how beautiful you are.”

Johnny is practically prancing on his route toward you, smile stretching from cheek to cheek as he pulls you into his embrace. He sings your name before separating himself from the hug, pinching the tip of your nose. “Shit, you’re gorgeous. Junmyeon is lucky to be by your side or else I would have snagged you by now.” He teases, but you’re rolling your eyes in response.

“I’m still standing here, you know,” Junmyeon eyes the younger male.

“Aw, hyung, are you jealous?”

“Tsk, John Suh—“

“Hyung!” Another voice chimes in, the three of your heads swerving to the sound to meet with the group of people walking in your direction as you turn your gaze to meet with Junmyeon’s. “I forgot to mention, I invited your friends.”

You notice that Junmyeon’s body stiffens. His heart stopped at the sight, but his hand reaches for yours, tightening the grip. 

His first love.

Chanyeol has his hand resting on her lower back as she makes her way through the crowd amongst the rest of Junmyeon’s friend crew. Her beautiful silk dress hangs on her body loosely, tightening and complimenting her curves when needed most. Her captivating looks had your own heart clenching and you realize what you had been up against the entire time.

The stories Junmyeon shares about his first love now has a face to the name, and the acceptance of their moments has disappeared just from looking at her. She was breathtaking to that point that she’s stolen Johnny’s attention as well.

Quickly, Junmyeon melts from being frozen and greet his friends, and you follow in suit. You learn her name, and hearing her repeat yours reminds you that her voice does sound smooth and sweet like honey, and you can’t even hate her because of how kind she is. 

“I heard that you guys found out that you’re soulmates,” She says with a smile, and you could kill for cheekbones like hers. 

“We are,” He responds, tugging on your hand to bring you closer. “We liked each other first then realized that we both have the same markings.”

“Convenient,” She chuckles, turning to glance at Chanyeol who stands by her side. Despite all the denying Chanyeol had went through before, it wasn’t evident now because his eyes were filled with love when they meet with hers. “A lot easier than what I went through with this guy.” She fixated her stare back at Junmyeon, voice filled with genuine as she speaks. “I’m happy you found someone who can make you happy.”

Later on, she meets with you privately as the rest of the gang follows Junmyeon around and they share loud conversations and laughs with each other.

“Hey,” She says, voice soft and gentle. “I just... wanted to thank you.”

“For what?” Perplexity is written on your face as you casually grab two champagne glasses from a server walking by, handing one to her as she takes willingly.

“For... loving Junmyeon. I... loved him before and I couldn’t fully give him what he wanted because of Chanyeol.”

Waving your hand in dismissal, you shake your head in unison. “No, thank you. If... you stayed even though Junmyeon wanted to let you go, I don’t think I would have ever met him. I would’ve never met my own soulmate, and... I don’t think I’d be as happy as I am now.” Almost on sign, Junmyeon’s in mid-laugh across the room, chatting with his friends as his tender gaze meets yours. 

“Well, he’s just as happy, if not more. So, thank you, really. He deserves the world for letting go of someone he loved just for the sake of his best friend’s happiness. He’s a selfless guy.”

The night is long; you’re constantly talking to investors and potential investors, meeting new and old people as well as trying to keep up with all of your employees that attended. The turn-out is better than expected (well, better than Johnny expected), and you congratulate the HR team on a job well done.

“Ah, thanks, boss... it means a lot to us that you’re saying this.” You scoff, drink in hand before reaching up to pinch the cheek of the younger male.

“Call me noona. You did a great job, Mark, it deserves to be recognized. Keep it up and you’ll see a promotion headed your way.” Mark’s face flushes pink at your actions and words, bowing in appreciation. “Thank you, Noona!”

“Can I snag your noona away from you?” 

“Oh— Hey Hyung! Of course. She’s all yours.” Mark smiles giddily, and you’re unsure if the last sentence is in reference to your relationship, or that he was willing to give your attention back to Junmyeon’s.

“Hey, you tired?” His face is always full of concern when he watches you, but you feel like a princess when he surveils your face for a response with all the attentiveness. You shake your head in response. “No, I’m okay. It’s nice knowing that nobody is giving me a hard time.”

“Speaking of that...” Your furrow your brows in confusion. “I talked to Hana just now.”

“Oh?”

“She’s... unhappy, for sure. But more angry that I didn’t even give her a shot. I’ve known her before you and I guess she had been pursuing me since then but I’ve always had my eyes on you.”

Chewing on your bottom lip anxiously, you tap your feet on the ground. “So... now what?”

“Nothing.” He chuckles, hand resting on your lower back as he pulls you near. “Don’t care about what she says. She’s an employee first, an angry girl who has a crush on your boyfriend second. All you should care about is yourself, and how much I love you for being you.”

Everything he says before the phrase falls out the other ear. “You love me?”

“I love you.” Junmyeon grins cheekily, his other hand reaching to rest on your cheek before pulling you into a kiss. “I really do. Please remember that. Everything I experienced before you was so that I could appreciate everything about you when I meet you. I’m glad you got to meet her today, because just as great as she is, she is no comparison to you. You’re more than that, and the crazy part? You’re my soulmate.”

[justagirlwithastorytotell]

You are stronger than you think

This year started off as the best year ever… kind of. I spent the week before and during the holidays with the man I love, watching him interact with my family and enjoying being in the same space. After a few days in his city, I was thinking that I could do this every day and be with him here. A week of cuddles and laughs and great sex wasn’t enough but we made the best use of the time that we had.

My boyfriend lives on the East Coast with this family and I live in the South near my family. We met at a work conference and a few years later worked out the details and started down this crazy LDR path. We committed to meet as often as possible and to make it work. Love.

I left him on the East Coast and came back to the South to my dog dying. I’m grateful that it happened how it happened but I’m remorseful that I didn’t do more for her. I’ll always love her.

Back to life as usual as we knew it. I was so wrapped up at work the week I got back that I didn’t notice I was missing something. My period! Funny because the day after it was late he casually asked about it, which he’s never done before. We never even talk about my period. Like never. It’s crazy how spiritually connected people can be.

Makes me think back to my ovulation day the last time we were together. I texted my best friend and said oops that same day. I know we should’ve had sex but he pulled out. I wasn’t going to miss out on these limited opportunities to have the ultimate connection with my man. I love sex with him.

He told me don’t worry that it was late it was probably just stress. I made a commitment to take a test if it wasn’t there by the end of the week. Secretly, I already knew the deal. My breasts were sore and the usual pre-period symptoms never came. I bought the test three days before I committed to taking it. It watched me every day.

I woke up Sunday morning scared, nervous, etc. I took the test as planned. Just as I expected. Got back in bed for the rest the day and cried. I sent a picture to my best friend but avoiding her calls all day. He was in church all day so it give me a reason to be distant for the day. My mind was everywhere. How would this affect me. How would this affect him. What would it mean for us? Before we had sex for the first time we talked about what we would do if, so I already knew what he wanted. How could I be so careless and caught in the moment to throw it all away.

It took me three days to tell him. Over a text message. Not how I wanted to tell him. The next day we talked about it briefly and then it all started. :)  He wanted to know what I ate, if I slept well and what I did. He fussed at me for not taking care of the baby. He called just to check on “us.” He’s such a good man.

Morning sickness is for the birds! Every day my breast got more sore and seemingly bigger.

We talked about our future. He wanted to keep it. We talked about making it work and being a family. He’s not crazy about the idea of abortion. I’m just scared. I missed my first actual appointment to confirm, but it’s all part of a plan. I rescheduled with an amazing supportive relatable Doctor. I cried and cried and asked her to double check the results. Both times positive. She gave me a follow up appointment and also referred me to an abortion clinic. This is real.

He arrived to town a few days later. He immediately touched my stomach as soon as he got in the car. My man and my baby. Our family. I can see this.

We cuddled all night and had the best sex in the morning. Literally. The best sex ever. We partied and enjoyed each other. As always, another wonderful weekend over to soon. We talked a lot. The pros and the cons. He’s not for the abortion but he’s supportive.

Back to life as usual while we figure this out. The next thing I know I’m called into HR and fired on the spot. I hold it together until I get to my car and break down. This is too much. Demoted and then fired. The car accident. The store. The Dog. Pregnancy. It’s just too much. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. Looking back I realize that I am directly at fault by not speaking up for all of the most recent things in my life and vow to not make those same mistakes twice.

We fuss  more frequently now. He’s very distant about the pregnancy. He engages, but he is short. He’s no longer calling to check on “us” like he had before.

I set the consultation appointment at the clinic. 9 am on February 6. I arrived to be greeted by Pro-Life supporters. Shuffled into a room with no electronics, no sounds or tv and all the other girls lost in their own minds. I pay the receptionist and pee in the cup and wait. And wait. I moved to another room and wait more. Finally the tech calls me to the back. She tells me to fill out the paperwork and get undressed. I expect her to leave while I undress and expected something to cover myself. She was anxiously waiting and provided none of the “comforts” that I expected. Minimal instructions and conversation and she shoves the cold ultra sound wand into my vagina. I look at the screen and see it and listen for a heartbeat. I’m am relieved that it is too small to hear a heartbeat. As I redress I asked for a different doctor because I realize who the doctor is. The tech said he’s the only one. Well. No choice. Blood work and then onto the doctor’s consultation. The doctor was halfway through his rehearsed lines by the time he looked up. Awkward. He and I use to hang out years ago. It was actually comforting to see a familiar face. Even given the circumstances. We talked, he explain the options and answered questions. On the way out, the receptionist gave me the price and the information for the day of. I broke down in the car again. Alone. We committed early on to not tell too many people and not telling our families. That commitment left me with no one to talk to. My man wasn’t around. No one to understand my feelings that I barely understood myself. Pregnant and unemployed facing an expensive procedure.

He seemed annoyed when I want to talk about certain aspects. He says “we already talked about it.” He’s short when it comes to it. I have not 100% made up my mind. He asks about the appointment and the picture. I never show him the ultrasound because I didn’t wanna make him sad and tried to shelter him from the process.

The only thing I knew for sure is that I was pregnant and although I felt alone, as grumpy as he seems, my man was by my side. I feel like I’ve been picking at him. He’s on my nerves and my nerves are getting to me. I try to lay off, we are fussing more. I need more attention and he is needing more alone time to process it all.

The procedure is set for 9 AM on February 17. He comes in town late the night before. He doesn’t touch my stomach when he gets in the car. He’s quiet. When we get home he asked to see the ultrasound and asked a few questions and just sat quietly. I have a bad cold so we have to keep some distance, we barely even sleep close together. We talk the morning more of. I try to have sex to ease my nerves, it doesn’t work, he’s not into it.

My friend picks us up to go to the appointment. He makes one final plea “we don’t have to do this, we can make it work.” Honestly, I know he didn’t want this and I’m not sure I did either. I think and think, he’d be a great father. I’d figured out the mother thing. Our families will help. But we are so far apart and I want to share pregnancy and parenting with my partner. We arrive at the clinic. I’m so scared, both the physical fear of the procedure and emotional fear of what this means for us is overwhelming.

Again, they herd us from room to room. I analyze everyone there. All different ages and races and demographics. Some people have been there for a procedure before. I wonder where all of the men are. The paperwork only ask the father’s age and state. No specifics incase there are none. I couldn’t imagine truly being alone in this all.

Pills and needles to prep for the procedure. I’m half awake and half asleep. The tv in this waiting room is showing a murder series similar to Law & Order. It seems like forever before they call my number to the pre-op room. Paperwork and shots. Enter the procedure room which looks like a regular doctor’s office and kind of like a science classroom. The doctor and two nurses walk in and give a brief explanation. She inserts a shot into my cervix that burns. I hear the suction machine turn on. Everything is blurry from my tears. I feel the doctor stretch open my vagina so she can empty out uterus. I’ve never felt this kind of pain coming from some many different places. I have lost my voice due to my cold so I silently crying out in pain and try to close my legs. The nurses hold them open. I can feel everything. I’m trying to count down with the doctor to know avail. I remember her yelling you have to slow your breathing. All I could think about was his disappointment with me.

Finally it was over, I laid on the table crying from shame and pain. They make me get up even though I could barely move. I walk to the recovery room where myself and another girl are painfully out of it. Less than 10 minutes after the procedure they make me get up and walk to the bathroom to pee and get dressed. It’s all over. They signed me out and returned my phone. I call him to come. He’s on his way. He’s not here yet. I call him again. He seems annoyed. I get in the car and try to act normal. He asked if I’m OK. I lied. He sits on the other side of the car. We get home and I fall sleep on the couch. I wake up and he’s across the room, quiet. We go out later for food and pads. I guess I shouldn’t be embarrassed about that kind of stuff. I turn in early.

We woke the morning after to his phone ringing. He spends an hour and a half talking about work. I wanted him to talk to me. I try to be understanding that he’s trying to take his mind off of it. I want to know how he feels. Are they going to talk to me? Finally he opens up. He says “I feel like I killed my kid.” I immediately break down and I try to justify and express comfort. Minimally heated conversation and we get up to start our day. We grab lunch and then he has to work to do. We are apart most of the day and I just want to be together. We catch up for dinner and enjoy our final hours together. He leaves so early the next morning. He was wearing a very nice suit. He was cute.

I love him and I know that he loves me but this was hard. I wanted to be in his arms. I wanted to let my emotions out and cry with him. Barely 48 hours together for us to healing isn’t enough. I cry the whole way home from the airport like I normally do, except I have to pullover a few times to get it together this time.

Fussing is at an all-time high with us. Every week and something else. I’m dealing with this by needing attention and interaction and support. He deals with it by retreating within himself and wanting alone time. This is not a good dynamic for the situation. Anxiety peaks. This pretend not pretend undiagnosed depression anxiety attacks me. I didn’t think I was fit to raise a kid. That was a huge part of my decision. I could barely take care of my dog.

I continue to prep to move to be closer to him. It takes my mind off of things. We talk about it. I prep my family and friends. I’m in love with the idea of really starting a future with this man. Then it hits me. Mid conversation he says, “before you were the mother of my child, now you’re just my girlfriend.” I’m shocked and hurt. I feel as though I am forever spiritually connected with this man. We created a child in love and although we elected to go an alternate route based on the circumstances, we created something beautiful together. He apologized and clarified but it still stuck with me and stings so deeply.

We continues to plan our future despite the short term hiccups. We are excited for our plans. We’re fussing again, we knew it was going to be tough but damn.

The follow up appointment comes. I walk past the same protestors. I find enough confidence to yell “I’m back bitches” which made everyone else laugh. This is really over. I walk into the same room where the procedure was. I immediately flashback to my experience the time before. I hesitate before I am able to climb back onto the same bed. The ultrasound confirmed that my uterus was empty. This is really over. But was it really over? I think about the what ifs everyday. What if it ruined our relationship. What if I would’ve been more careful. What if we would’ve kept it.

Another stinger, “you already didn’t want to have my child.” These really are painful to me. I propose we take some time off to breath. We talked through it and move on. It’s probably just the distance, the situation, the COVID quarantine. That’s what has us short fused. The plus to quarantine is more interaction. More communication and also more time to think and reflect. I realize how upset I am and how insecure I’ve become. Sometimes valid insecurities and some not so valid. I put on weight. My hips got wider. My small breast got smaller. I think back to him not wanting to have sex the last time he was here. I think back to our conversations become a chore. All these insecurities weigh on me and in turn on our relationship. We commit to dates and things to make our LDR more exciting. We talk about anniversaries. I think about us being together. Living together, eventually. I decide that will get engaged eventually get married on September 16, our kids birthday, as a special memory for us.

These large scale arguments are coming more frequently. We end up in a heated text argument at five in the morning. He reveals that he felt rejected. I never thought of that. I immediately tried to reassure him that that’s not the case. I never tell him I planned our family out time and time again and I enjoy being partners and I’d eventually enjoy being parents with him. We make up, minor fussing.

I finally move the ultrasound from the same spot it was when he put it down that night. He was the last one to look at our child’s picture. It’s forever a part of me and I make a mental note that I want to find a special way to remember it.

After reflecting on his feeling of rejection, I realize his hurt and my hurt were similar but unique and there was not one way for us to cope together. Yet I had been upset with him for not coping how I wanted him to cope.

For the first time in months I saw the signs of a distant period. It was like the first time all over again. I didn’t know what to expect, what products to use, my hormones were crazy and it was a reminder of my journey over the the last three months. Quarantine gave me all the time to think. I tried washing TV to keep my crazy hormonal mind occupied but all the families and babies made it worse. I was grateful that I was not pregnant during this confusion, scared and alone alone. But also scared of the future and not seeing him soon or again. Not knowing when this would end.

After more words and heated text messages, we realized we weren’t happy with the current situation and maybe better apart. We ignored each other for days. I called him because I missed his voice. It was also the first day of what would’ve been our second trimester. The day when morning sickness would end and the dangers of the first trimester would pass and we could make the announcement to everyone. Coincidently, such a joyous occasion was spent in a cold conversation about if and when and where and why this relationship could or should maybe would resume or continue or end or evolve.

Abortion is tough. It’s a lot to deal with every day forever. My biggest fear was losing my identity along with my freedom and my man. All I wanted was to be crazy in love, young wild love, excited for adventures and growing into a lasting relationship. I never signed up for the most emotionally taxing experience of my life.

Abortion is tough. If I knew then what I knew now would I have had one? Would I have kept it? Who knows. There is no one answer that fits for everyone. It’s not easy in any capacity, in any aspect in any way shape or form. I’m 100% sure I would’ve been more careful. I would have reached out for emotional support way sooner and realized that this wasn’t something that I could endure in silence. And I 200% would’ve love my man that much more for standing beside me picking me up and supporting me through a situation that neither of us knew the ramifications of.

Abortion is tough. Remember you are not alone. It is a badge of honor to take charge of your future. It is not a cloak of shame.

[for-the-love-of-life-lads]

Progress Report

No weight today.

I did pretty good, similar diet to yesterday. I drank less coffee and similar or less amounts of water than yesterday. My lunch was definitely less calories than yesterday just purely based on the fact that shrimp is less calories and more protein. 

I got my abs workout done as well, I think I might need to start increasing reps just because it seems to be getting easier than it was previously. However, I am seeing results when I look in the mirror which is encouraging. I went to get in a shower and started to see some definition in my tummy! That was a nice feeling.

(trigger warning suicide mentioning and explaining, just don’t read this please)

Feeling pretty low today. I just... I don’t even know. I guess I just wish I was dead a lot of the time. I feel like I’m always in trouble, I get in trouble even when I am trying to do the right thing. For example, I had missed a seminar for intro to college living that I needed to go to, and it was because I had to teach our class. So, I had gotten done with my calculus homework early and had decided that I should take a look at that seminar which was recorded and take some notes so that I would know what I need to do once some deadlines came up. My dad then asked what I was doing, and I explained what I was watching. He started yelling at me about how I needed to choose these specific dorms over the other, and kept asking which dorms had the least amount of freshmen. I told him that I wasn’t sure, that this seminar hadn’t said how the college students were split up, but that it was telling me some good information about the dorms in general. He then immediately started screaming about how I was dismissing him, and that I was ungrateful to him for his advice and that he had gotten me into this college in the first place. I hadn’t disagreed with him at all in the first place, I had actually been trying to take notes to see if they would tell me how many first years there would be in each dorm.  Second, I can’t believe he was taking credit for my acceptance to college (this is an ivy league school). I had maintained a 4.0 my ENTIRE high school career (without tutoring or help) was in all honors  classes my entire life, took algebra and geometry my freshmen year so that I could take AP calculus my senior year, filled out the applications and questions for over 20 different colleges, nailed the alumni interview with only my own notes, and maintained an excellent status in my sport for the past 8, soon to be 9, years. My dad hasn’t even SEEN an ivy league school, much less attended or had the right stuff to get there. He wasted his entire first thirty years of his life, and he is mad at me because I couldn’t immediately give him the exact statistics of the number of freshmen living in the dorms? And to top it all off, he then spent the rest of the day freezing me out and telling me what a disappointment I was to him, along with fighting with my mom to the point where it almost became physical because she couldn’t give him the statistics either (she had been watching over my shoulder. Why? Not clue.). So yeah, my entire day was ruined because apparently I am an ungrateful idiot that couldn’t make it into the Ivy League by herself. At leas according to my dad.

Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. No more setting alarms, no more 3-a day workouts, no more getting yelled at or being a disappointment, no more taking diacritics everyday to try and maintain weight loss. No more being alone, no more taking care of everyone else. Just rest. Just getting to be someone who could have been great. When people would hear about my death they would be like, “Oh Kate? That’s so sad. She was so talented. One of the best in her sports, she was going to an Ivy league school you know. Yeah, she was pretty smart. Real respectful kid too. Addressed everyone as ma’am and Sir, even when they were her age. What a shame.” I could just leave them to wonder what I could have been, leave them with hope. You know, there’s no way to be a failure if you’re not here. I’ve even thought about how I would do it. I’ve slowly been collecting my mom and dad’s sleeping pills for the last two or three years. I also have been collecting Tylenol. I know that taking too many sleeping pills can’t  necessarily kill you unless you had an ungodly amount. However, if you do have enough Tylenol you can go into kidney or liver failure, can’t remember off the top of my head. Then I would lay down on my back, that way if the Tylenol and the sleeping pills don’t work then I’ll choke on my own vomit from my body trying to force everything out. Hopefully, I’ll be too sedated to turn over to spit it out. I’ve also thought about silting my wrists and then downing all those sleeping pills so that I would be too heavily sedated to do anything about the blood loss. I could do it too, I close my bedroom door at night and I take super long showers so no one would notice for a while. I just don’t have anyone but my sister to hold on for you know? I literally don’t have any friends (we did online school from home and train by ourselves, and we aren’t allowed to leave the house and we don’t have any clubs or anything) I’ve never even had the chance to have a meaningful relationship that I care about. With everyone, I’ve always had to put on a front to uphold the reputation of our family (my dad gets self-conscious of what others think about us).

I do have one place in my head where I feel happy. I have different daydreams that I go to when my family is watching TV or when I go to sleep. The settings vary, but they all involve a guy named Nate, and we’re together. Mind you, Nate is not a real person or even based off a real person (more a culmination of all the crushes I had formed when I read books like PJO, HOO, and One of Us is Lying) . In the daydreams, Nate is kinda rebellious and just super confident. Something I could never be. He kinda breaks through my tough exterior just like I have in real life, and just becomes my friend at first. He actually wants to talk to me and cares about my opinion, he teases me in a playful way that most boys would be scared to tease me in, but doesn’t take it too far because he wouldn’t want to hurt me. I don’t originally want to tell him everything in my life or my head because I want to be a happy place for him, I don’t want him to worry about me because he’s always seemed to just care about me and has been one of the only people that has made me feel like I’m worth anything in this world. But eventually, he notice how I avoid topics in conversation, and that I won’t ever let myself cry in front of him, or anyone else for that matter, and how I model myself and idealize emotionless characters like Logan from Sanders Sides, Spock from Star Trek, and any robot that comes on the screen. On day or night I finally just breakdown, I can’t keep myself together so I try and get away and ask him just to leave me alone so that I can cry. But he doesn’t let me go, he just wraps his jacket around my shoulders and hugs me close to his body. He tells me that I don’t have to be alone anymore, that he just wants to be there for me. He doesn’t want me to hurt by myself anymore. That I don’t have to hide in locked bathrooms anymore.

I can’t help it, its the only time I’ve ever felt safe with anyone and its not even real. But I can almost feel the warmth of his hugs and him rubbing little circles on my back. Its almost painful to type (crying currently) because I am so scared all the time. I’m scared for my sister, my mom, about money, about grades, about being alone all my life, about never getting to actually be an independent person, scared of men, scared of commitment, scared of trusting (since I’ve seen how well that’s worked out for my mom and just living with a man for the last 18 years), I’m scared that I won’t ever be enough for anyone, I won’t ever be beautiful, or smart, or strong. I am so scared all the time, so just that feeling of safety he gives me is so sad because it’s not even real. and to be honest, I don’t know if it ever will be. I wish I could just die in my sleep because my last fleeting thoughts could be of Nate just holding me, telling me that I was safe. We could dance, we could be snuggling on the couch on a rainy day, or just laying in bed one Saturday morning laughing together. At least if I died,  my final feelings would be of safety and happiness that I’ve never had in my real life.

I’m not going to do it tonight, I have to get ready for my Calculus text tomorrow. I’m going to go for just an 8 hr sleep, maybe Nate and I could cuddle up with a movie. He can chose, I don’t really want to watch. I just want to lay against his chest for a while, forget about the stress and fear for a while.

Have a great night everyone.

[were1993fanfics]

2,4,8,9 & 14 for Gyuhao pleasee

2: Who constantly tries to get the other toshower with them?

To get to bed efficiently, Minghao. Because he’s tired asfuck and they had practice in 4 hours. Honestly, if it gets Mingyu to bedearlier, Minghao will pull Mingyu into the shower by his ear. 

To ahem initiatesomething, it’s Mingyu. It’s definitely this punk—“Kim Mingyu, I swear if yourhand gets any closer to my dick, you won’t have one.” “Well, I’ll be holding oneat least.” “You—” There are days thatMinghao just goes with it only for both of them to be yelled at through thebathroom door. “Hyung, we all usethat bathroom!” Why is it always Chan though?  

4: Who is incredible in bed and completelyknocks the other off their feet the first time they have sex?

MINGHAO. Notbecause he has any kind of sexual prowess or anything, but he’s straightforwardand verbal about what he wants. If he wants Mingyu to touch him, Minghao asks.If he wants to suck on Mingyu’s cock, Minghao asks—and maybe facilitates it bypushing the other down onto the bed. “I’m going to suck you off okay?” he asks,hoovering and waiting for a positive confirmation. Mingyu nods, swallowingthickly. It doesn’t take too much for Mingyu to become a stuttering mess, but whenMinghao eases off slowly and says—with those half lidded eyes and swollen lips,“I want to feel you inside of me.” Oh dear lord,Mingyu short circuits. 

Clumsy andhandsy Mingyu tries his best. Their first time was really Minghao running theshow, but, well, let’s just say Mingyu’s a quick learner. 

8: Who knocks on the other’s door crying at4am?

Surprisingly, Minghao. He’s a light sleeper and stress affectshis sleep patterns just as badly as his eating habits. It’s not that he cries morethan Mingyu or anything like that, but rather he’s more likely to wake up intears and be unable to go back to sleep. And when he’s stressed, he getshomesick. While Minghao used to go to Junhui a lot, he now feels embarrassed—theyboth get homesick but why isn’t Minghao coping as well as Jun—so he creeps pastJunhui’s room to get to Mingyu’s.

Deep sleeper Kim Mingyu almost never wakes up in the middleof the night, even when a nightmare gets really bad. He might thrash around andcry, but he won’t wake up, much less knock on Minghao’s door.

9: Who would have 10pets if they could and who is adorably shy around animals?

To be honest, both of them would have 10 pets each if theycould—“We’re going to have like six dogs if we adopt another one.” “Problem?” “Pointtaken. His name is Puppy.” “…are you serious? How old are you, five?” They bothadore animals and will fight each other to hold a puppers or kitties in theirlap. Adorable and shy around animals? Not these two LOL.

(I mean I guess if they were adorably shy, it would be moreof an uncomfortable adorable that would make you wanna try to hold theoffending animal closer to their face—“Aw, come one Mingyu, snakes are darling.Look at his little tongue.” “Hao, that’s a fucking python. It’s thicker than you.” “You’re just scared.”)

14: Who has anadorable sneeze and who sneezes so aggressively they pull a muscle? 

Minghao has this adorable sneeze that goes all high pitchedat the end. He sounds like a mouse and it embarrasses the heck out of him.Mingyu thinks it’s the cutest thing in the world so when Minghao tries to hidehis sneezes in a corner, Mingyu always seems to be there and drag him into theopen. Unfortunately, clumsy Mingyu sometimes pulls a little too hard and getsmost of airborne droplets in his face—“Mingyu, what the hell? You totally did that to yourself!” Wiping the snot off hisface, Mingyu still thinks it’s the cutest thing in the world.  

Now Mingyu, when he sneezes, it’s a spectacle. He freezes inthe middle of whatever he’s doing and inhales in jerky movements like he’sshort on breath. And there’s a pause—like the calm before a storm and when itcomes, well, he sneezes like he’s trying to get rid of a lung. It’s looks soexaggerated but it’s completely natural for the taller man. Minghao often mocksMingyu for it, copying those motions and adding some crazy facial expressionsas well. But he does get secretly concerned when the other seems to be getting sick. Honestly, Minghao is surprised that Mingyu hasyet to pull a muscle.

Sup. Sorry it took so long to write these LOL Can you tell I have issues keeping things short? I do see the second request and I’ll finish that up probably tonight. ^^ LOL I’M SORRY ABOUTH NO. 4??? I wanted it to be a casually sexy but instead I don’t know what I was going for but that wasn’t it. I wrote most of these going off of 3 hrs of sleep for like a week so…any spelling/grammatical errors…I did my best to check for, but alas, uh, ha ha ha? 

Thanks for the request and feel free to ask for more! (as long as you don’t mind the wait ^^) 

[cncorner]

Month 2 Update

Huzzah, we’ve made it two months!

I started off the month with .3mL of a 200mg/mL solution (so 60mg a week). About 10 days in I got it increased to .4mL of a 200mg/mL solution (80mg a week).

Physical first, like before, then mental.

1. I’m going to skip the pictures this time because they’re annoying, lol. The first voice analyzer test I did this month had me at 155Hz, and my lastest one at 140Hz. Tracking my voice dropping this month was a little stressful because for a couple weeks after I upped my dosage it was cracking all over the place. Because it was cracking it was hard to get an accurate average for each recording. But it’s starting to settle down. I think my voice spent most of the month in firm androgyny.

My therapist did say that my voice was starting to sound like a high-pitched guy’s voice, which tracks with what I said before (about androgyny being 140Hz to 175Hz, unlike what the app says). That’s pretty exciting. I’m not doing much to change the cadence of my voice (or whatever it’s called), so it still sounds pretty feminine. I’m not sure how much I plan on doing with that. I still have time, though.

2. Hair! I am getting more hair! The hair on my arms and legs are growing back in. They almost look like pre-swim-instructor-level-hair. Hair on my upper lip and my chin is growing in longer, but I hesitate to say that they’re actually darker just yet. I don’t think the hair on the rest of my body is any longer or more apparent.

3. I do smell differently now! But mostly just my funbits; they smell like balls now. It’s funny, because I don’t have balls. Thankfully, I kind of like the new smell more than the old one. It’s not a change I expected to appreciate.

4. Acne is still getting worse, but it’s still fairly manageable. So long as I shower regularly it’s not that bad.

5. I’m getting way more sweaty way faster. If I’m not working in the pool then I’m showering like twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening before going to sleep. It’s getting real annoying. I’m pretty ready for that to calm down.

6. My skin is... thicker? I’m not sure if that’s right. It’s less smooth, that’s for sure, and overall I’m less “soft”, which I’m very thankful for. Muscles are coming in, and already my shoulders have gotten broad enough that slim fit shirts no longer fit me. Sadly I’ve also gained a little bit of weight, but hopefully either my metabolism will catch up or my muscles will catch up.

7. My face is masculinizing somewhat. I couldn’t tell you in exactly what way. I look a little bit more like my brother. For some reason I’m surprised by this; I assumed that I was going to end up looking like my dad. My brother would be a more obvious assumption.

8. My curves aren’t gone, but my butt thankfully is smaller. Woo! My breasts also shrank a bit, I believe. I’m down from a B.5 to a straight B, if I had to gues.

9. Downstairs is still growing, but at a slower rate. It looks kind of... penis-head-shaped now, just tiny.

And now for the mental:

10. I’m still way more creative than I was before. My mind jumps around to ridiculous conclusions a lot more, so I’m faster with jokes. I’m more frequently struck with a sense of... joie de vivre, too, so my jokes are significantly stupider.

11. Libido is a... funny thing, now. If we take it to mean “Desire for orgasms”, it’s gone up a little bit. If we take it to mean “Desire for sex”, it’s in the fucking pits. I haven’t had sex in a month and a half, and it’s amazingly liberating. I feel super guilty about it, sure, but very liberating. But I’m feeling constant touch hunger, which is bananas. I want to make out all the time. I like cuddling a lot more now, and cuddling is significantly more satisfying now than it was before. I’m considering calling myself asexual, but I’m not 100% sure yet.

12. I can still cry. I wasn’t much of a cryer before I started, anyways, but I’m still capable of it. I’m scared to watch movies that used to make me cry, because I’ll probably be way worse about them now.

13. My sleep is so frustrating now. It takes me a long time to get to sleep, and I don’t sleep anywhere near as much. It’s getting worse the warmer it is outside because my body temperature is warmer as it is already.

Other things:

I’m getting more annoyed by doing shots. I knew that I was going to end up being someone with poor adherence, I just didn’t realize my annoyance was going to kick in so soon. But thankfully doing my shots doesn’t take that long.

Also since upping my dosage I’m no longer getting as much of a end-of-shot-week lull. When I got my levels tested at midweek (shot on Friday, tested on Monday), they came out to 299. Since “healthy” levels are 270-1070, I’m guessing I spent maybe half the week under that level. I’m guessing my T is high enough that it stays within those levels for most/all of the week. I get a little crabby on Thursday night, but it’s really negligible. It’s like going from a 10 in mood to an 8, whereas before it was a 10 to a 4.

So I’m out to my general manager and HR at work. I kind of came out on Facebook, but I’m not sure how many people noticed. I’m not planning on “coming out” to people at work; just going to let them wonder and see what rumors sprout up.

Some people are starting to “notice”. I’ve had a student tell me that I kind of look like a boy, and my fiance’s mother’s boyfriend (sorry) kept on asking if I was sick. Luckily I was getting over an actual cold so I had an excuse, but I’m guessing my voice was low enough to be noticeable.

My goal for the next month is to start my legal name change. I’m not going to change my gender marker yet. I still have female parts, and I want access to that care. It also helps that I’m not getting T through insurance, so that doesn’t need to be covered. Once my name is changed, that might start a new health insurance “event” (or whatever it is) and I can change my insurance to the gold level. After that I can start planning for top surgery, yay! I want to get it this December. I’ll need to be out of work for a couple of weeks, and my work is already closed for a week and a half around the holidays. I want to take advantage of that.

My passing rate as a man is still around 0%, but my passing rate as “Wait, what are you?” is going up. I’m guessing it’s going to stay like that for a while.

Thanks for reading!

[wellnessroutines]

72 Hours Of Drinking Juice

If there is something which turns up on my instagram regularly it's juice, chilly pressed juice or a person partaking on a juice purify journey. I have been so curious regarding juice cleans, as I had actually never ever done one previously, so recently I did one to see exactly what all the hassle was about.

I do not have the finest track document when it comes to state of minds when I am starving. I typically obtain upset and also start Hangry Ally surface areas. Despite all this I actually intended to do a purify - I figured it was the correct time to do one as we 'd only merely moved into our new residence so I had not done any groceries - for that reason I would not be attracted by any type of food in our house.

Before I start, I just wish to keep in mind that I do not pardon cleanses or any other crash diet to my viewers or online family. If you're checking out reading this to get understanding right into weight management after that I am sorry, this is not what this short article has to do with. Lasting weight management and upkeep can just be achieved with deliberate way of living as well as behavior adjustments, i.e, much healthier (long-term options) and workout. Unless you are entering into a purify with a clear long-lasting prepare for your life afterwards, such as removing refined foods, reducing sugar as well as salt intake, a brand-new health and fitness regime, a juice cleanse will certainly serve no various other purpose than short-lived weight loss remedy. No healthy advantages will be preserved unless you have a strategy placed in place for after your purify. Bear in mind to make wise day-to-day selections for far better health and wellness, not just participate in "quick repairs"

DAY BEFORE

I am so fired up my juices have actually shown up - I chose a local Sydney brand name called Lucky You Cleanse. They can be found in a cold bag as well as were left by my front door. There is 6 juices each day and I am visiting be doing this for 3 days.I am hanging out for tomorrow to attempt all the flavours!

I took a quick check out the pamphlet with the juices to see the structure of the cleanse.

Aloe Vera

Smoothie

Green Juice B

Spicy Lemonade

Red Juice

Green Juice A

Cashew Mylk

There are lots of various versions around, yet this is the one I went with! Their Instagram is lovely and also they appear truly personable!

DAY 1 -  TUESDAY

8:00 am: JD goes down staircases to make coffee and also raises an aloe vera potion for me to take in for the day. It's got fairly a zing to it - almost vinegar like, so I consume it as quick as I can. I'm still in bed as well as it's realllllly chilly so it has me thinking of HOT breakfast foods, like gruel or bacon.

9:00 am: It's time for my very first juice! I'm half means via as well as I realise I am consuming the wrong one ... I am off to a great beginning. I was meant to have the Environment-friendly shake, however I was put right into the juice I was supposed to take in 2 humans resources later on. Sorry juice gods, I have actually currently fallen short you.

Now, do I stop and transform, or do I maintain going?

10:15: I am pretty starving now. I am on a bus atm on my method to a meeting and also all I can think about it food and I was wishing I hadn't stuffed up the entire smoothie/ juice thing. Maybe I ought to've just exchanged them out. Do you know just what's yummy? Food.

11:00 am: Residence in the nick of time for my following juice, yet, hooray I finally reach try the smoothie mix. Man, this is scrumptious. This is a whole lot thicker than the juice so it ought to keep my tied over to 1am.

I merely understood just how typically I consider food throughout the day. I have no idea if that's since a) I do not have internet connected b) it resembles, minus 1 million levels so food would certainly be a fantastic comfort right now or c) I just really like food.

1:00 pm: Oh my god, Spicy Lemonade, where have you been all my life? You are so tasty. Oh, by the way this is beverage three. I have lots of liquid and if you need to know my bathroom activities for today, they have been regular. As well as by frequent I suggest unbelievably frequent - additionally, we're talking purely leading here.

2:00 pm: There is a female on the train eating sushi. Vanish lady with sushi you are not welcome here.

3:00 pm: I am anxious regarding consuming this one right currently - I am wearing all white and this juice is very, really red. As well as due to the fact that I am rather hungry now, I could not pay for any spillage.

3:10 pm: I simply finished the juice - no spillage, no dry cleaner go to essential. : In the purify overview from Lucky You Cleanse they state that you need to eat all juices/ smoothies to aid your food digestion. Have you ever ate liquid? It is fairly a peculiar feeling!

4:00 pm: All I could assume around is the Cashew Mylk I reach have for dinner. I think that it's instinct for me to be assuming concerning what I would certainly be cooking for supper at around this moment so I can experience to the shops before peak hour.

5:00 pm: End of the day and I am quite weary. I considered the rear of each jar I had consumed today and I am well below the normal amount of calories I would typically have at this moment of day, so I do not know if I am worn out because it's been a stressful couple of days of moving, or if I have not eaten enough VS the tasks I have been doing. I have a truly rapid metabolism. My juice now is another eco-friendly juice as well as it's refreshing!

6:00 pm: We stalk Woollies to get hold of JD some supper ingredients. I have an elevated feeling of smell. Everything smells so delicious. I figure it's an evolutionary quality from when we were seekers and also collectors. Damn, I could so go a newly baked muffin. Woolies exactly what are you doing to me? I truly ought to've merely remained home.

7:00 pm: JD is making himself dinner and also it's scenting so yummy. It's actually cold tonight and also we haven't bought a heating unit for our new location so all I intend to do is consume something cozy. Pumpkin soup would go down a reward ... yet instead I am visiting put right into some Cashew Mylk - I have actually been hanging out for this ALL DAY.

7:30 pm: JD and I have "dinner" together. The Cashew Milk is so yummy - I had not been expecting it to be so pleasant - yet it does have dates in it, so that's where the sweet taste is coming from.

8:00 pm: Sufficient time has passed to see exactly how complete I am sensation. I feel a different kind of complete - it's loading, yet I do not feel heavy full, so I guess that is an excellent thing. I figured by this time I would be on the verge of hunger by bedtime.

CONCLUSION DAY 1

I went into this with little assumptions. I have had buddies do juice cleanses yet I believe everyone has various coping systems as well as metabolisms so results are all various. Day 1 has actually been difficult for me, I have located myself thinking of food a whole lot and I have actually been starving in between juices. I haven't felt in control - I should accept this a lot even more and also focus.

DAY 2 - WEDNESDAY

8:00 am: Somebody feed me. I had night sweats last night as well as believe me it's been freezing so there's no factor for me to have had them besides an adverse effects. I did read regarding that in the manual, so I was expecting something. Besides a little headache today, my body it handling this entire juice thing okay (except the appetite). I miss out on chewing.

8:05 am: Downing this elixir like I have not eaten in 5 days. I knew what to expect today, so the taste was actually nice.

9:00 am: Okay, so I totally obtained this best today - 50 indicate gryffindor. A lot better starting the day with a smoothie mix - I really feel satisfied.

10:00 am: Today seems like it's visiting be the hardest day. I understand I simply should press with and also reach the end. It's so very tough though.

10:30 am: Leaving your home to go out to conferences. I grabbed my 11:00 juice to have on the go. I determined to stroll the last 15 minutes of the journey so it took my mind off the food as well as assist the frustration i have actually had because this morning.

11:00 am: Green juice on the go. SnapChat upload. Facebook upload. My phone costs is gon' be high this month.

1:00 pm: Spicy Lemonade time ... Caught in a chat concerning Beyonce as well as her diet plan for that film I have actually failed to remember the name of. If I had internet I would certainly Google it.

1:30 pm: Capture up with a pal for coffee. Oh wait I can't consume alcohol that!! She spokened I was permitted herbal teas, so she went abuse to my number one buddy here and also currently. Anyone that informs me I could have something HOT after 1 and a half days of chilly juice is a good friend of mine.

3:00 pm: Residence - currently red juice time.

4:00 pm: Caught myself staring into area. KEEP IN MIND: We still have no internet until following Thursday, so it's been difficult to obtain work done and also to stay focused.

5:00 pm: Started reading Steve Jobs biography.

7:00 pm: I merely got up from a 2 hr sleep - I have actually missed out on out on some Eco-friendly Juice as well as now it's time for my Cashew Mylk so I am going to need to add an extra hr on to today. I am STARVING because of this.

I desire to stress the relevance of listening to your body. I rested since I should, so make sure you pay attention to yours.

8:00 pm: Cashew Mylk as well as I am battling to get with it tonite. Probably due to the fact that my stomach is currently full from an one hour ago.

CONCLUSION DAY 2

I absolutely discovered today hard as well. I am normally a mind over issue woman, but this has been remarkably hard. I am really feeling flat in the stomach, it's assisted out on the bloating front. I was less starving today than yesterday, so I think I made it over the fictional hump.

I truly delighted in the juices today - I knew what to expect so I believe my taste buds were a lot more in-tune to the flavours.

DAY 3 - THURSDAY

7:30 am: This morning was the initial early morning I really did not awaken hungry.

8:00 am: Potion and also organic tea time. IT 'S NOT CHEATING WE 'VE SIMPLY BEEN WITH THIS. Don't suggest with me, I have not consumed in three days. I'm not also certain that I am speaking to right now.

9:00 am: Last day of a shake. I generally inhaled it. If the glass was edible I would certainly have eaten that too.

10:00 am: I'm tired and also already reasoning of the following juice I can consume alcohol. I have actually complained today to JD concerning wanting to be finished ... In my mind though I know I am SO near completing this cleanse and it'll be such a fantastic sensation of success once I'm done. I am whining, but it's my means of coping and also I want some encouragement.

11:00 am: I truly would such as something salty right currently. Or mouthwatering - simply something that has a problem to it.

11:15 am: There's a lady on the seat next to me (on the train) and also she's consuming a bag of snakes at 11:00 in the early morning. Who are you girl. Please relocate the one more carriage before I release myself at you.

11:45 am: House from early meetings - I have a surprisingly big quantity of energy, but I recognize I will certainly crash quickly. I swiftly drink/ eat my method with my 5th last juice of the cleanse.

1:00 pm: I made JD try the zesty lemonade recently. He liked it also. I reallly such as this one and would make it or buy it on it's own.

3pm: I just desire it to be done ... The great news is I will certainly be done in 4 hrs. What should my very first meal be?

4pm: On the phone to mum speaking about food. QUIT MUM.

5pm: Rugged up under a covering on the sofa discussing whether or not to walk down staircase for my second last juice ... I have come this far, I have to.

7pm: I have actually made it to my last dinner of juice ... My gosh! That would certainly have assumed I would certainly make it to the end.

8pm: "JD can I have some toast?"

JUICE CLEANSE CONCLUSION

I am most definitely lighter. I didn't weigh myself as I do not own ranges or count on weighing yourself daily, but I can tell incidentally my body really feels that I have actually reduced weight. My tummy feels vacant although it's not - and it's a good sensation. From below I understand that I have reset my consuming habits and quantity of food I would take in at once. It was a difficult three days that's without a doubt, but I have actually appeared the other end with a clear objective of keeping my healthy method of eating. I never ever went right into this wanting to slim down as I didn't should, I desired it to be a method to reset my eating routines and a little experiment for you men too!

WHAT I LEARNED

I wish I had actually have actually done more study prior to the clean and also it was a little naive of me not to. It was a bit of a shock to my system - I would certainly ease into one in the days before the clean rather of going cool turkey on something.

I would just do these in Summer or temperature I can warm myself up in. My body temperature was extremely reduced throughout this clean. I had not been melting sufficient power via food digestion or consuming hot foods to warm me up.

My power degrees just weren't high. I read before the cleanse that your power levels will be higher, however I really did not find that at all. I was quite sluggish and I went to sleep one afternoon at 5pm, which I would certainly never ever generally do.

I think of food a lot!! I prefer to intend food/ meals in advance and also I discovered that I was still doing that when I was cleansing. That was a hard adjustment.

Attitude is everything. Someday one I discovered it such a shock as well as I had not been expecting it to be. I must have changed my attitude and also accepted it a lot more, however I located that actually hard to do when I was hungry.

Cleansing is not the option to long term weight-loss or long-term health and fitness goals. Yes I shed weight in the 3 days, yet you shouldn't rely upon this. You're shedding water weight and as soon as you start consuming once again you might place this back on. Rather, you need to be consuming a balanced diet regimen as well as implement a great exercise plan.

Juice cleanses are a great means to reset your eating routines. I discovered that the weeks preceeding the purify my eating had actually been average due to the action. The cleanse assisted me reset my eating practices. I felt that since I had actually consumed (whoops I mean consumed alcohol) so lots of healthy and balanced juices I needed to maintain that degree of health.

Drinking juices aids you know you should be consuming alcohol more throughout the day!

I do not assume there are long term take advantage of a clean. There are absolutely brief term outcomes like: Less bloating, re-hydration, clear skin ... However this all goes away.

I wish there was a juice cleanse that incorporated broth like soups for Winter season - it would definitely make it much more manageable in cold weather.

You need to hear your body - if it wants you to relax after that rest.

Juice cleanses are difficult. There are numerous things online, but I didn't discover a single person stating they were challenging, truly. I cannot envision I was the initial person to feel through this, so, if you are checking out doing one, recognize that you can find it tough.

I actually liked that every little thing was provided for me ... I believe if it was left as much as me to juice each juice I wouldn't have made it previous day 1.

I 'd love to hear your encounters with juicing! Have you ever done a juice cleanse? Or do you juice regularly?

* this article is my very own viewpoint and also was not sponsored