#maybe i SHOULD see a therapist again but i fully dont want to speak to anyone at the same time like

[brightjin]

im so tired of being depressed and feeling like shit 😭

[visionthefox]

Yeah I hope they make Nice Eclipse a recurring character in the Lunar and Earth Show, I think that from when she was introduced to now she has changed a bit. I also saw somewhere in X that Reed (Moon’s VA) was the one to actually introduce the character Earth.

But yeah the episode is srly funny I love the interaction and of course Lunar reliving trauma, I think my favorite part is the part that’s floating around tumblr, but another one is earlier and Nice Eclipse says something along the lines of “Im not google search” I died laughing from that. The episode is funny.

Concerned for Lunar because he hearing a humming, it can be a response of trying to zone out (Im not a psychologist, therapist, etc) or it has to do with what we saw in one of the episode where Moon goes and looks at Eclipse’s lair and heard a recording about the astral bodies that want Lunar. Idk 🤷‍♀️ we will have to wait and see.

yea yea saw someone sharing his tweet about it, that he wanted to add her - and again, the VA? not at fault here I just dont like the character, how was written -at least in the start, she gaved me terrible bad vibes as I meet ppl like her and.. is not good.. but eh mmh.. I.. I mayyy mayy give it a try to watch that only ep- but I fear I may focus on "what is she doing wrong" what enjoy my man :/ .. but also, I KNOW I give her a lot of shit - but I really try not to, as the fans seems to adore her and find her way of working right..

but-maybe is my nerd ass- maybe I dont turn off my brain as I should while watching the show.. - maybe I let my trauma speak louder and put the blame on a character I just saw 4 clips of.. but so far, I rather not see her, not heard her.. I rather do something I enjoy (watch old gameplays of lore vids) than do something that I may not enjoy as much.. Aside from a rant- if if they add Nice Eclipse to that other show.. I may give it a try- maybe if they bring back the minecrat series!! also also! Lunar! he maybe is zooming out, but that is not fully a bad thing, I do it often when I get a bit distracted

Taking into account that he has gone through moments of anguish for not "feeling anything" and the fear of what happened, if what I read is true and Earth helped him to be more open with his emotions, then it may still be uncomfortable for him..for Lunar to look at Nice Eclipse in the face..

The times he sees Nice Eclipse were at not very happy times, and although Eclipse manages to make him feel calm, it must not be very comfortable right now, which is why he tries to distract himself or be calm with soft sounds.. buuut yea, maybe is the whole astral lights thingy too.. idk

thanks for you ask and time!! <3

[yslkook]

#customer centric (4)

#corporate masterlist summary: you arrive in tokyo and spend a few days catching up and reminiscing. jin comes as well, with a few old friends that you haven’t seen in years. Or, you wander around the city visiting familiar places and go to a club with people you haven’t called friends in years. word count: 8656 warnings: cursing, parental death, discussion of mental health, lots of alcohol a/n: this is part 1/2 of being in tokyo!! this is the top i envisioned for oc lol

You missed Tokyo, and Tokyo missed you. The city itself brings bittersweet memories to you, memories of your childhood with your dead father and grandmother passing through your mind as if you’re watching a movie.

Your dad had brought you to Tokyo every summer when you were young, until you were about seventeen or eighteen. Tokyo had become more of a second home than a vacation place for you.  You haven’t been here since college, about two years before your dad passed away. But despite that, it feels like home.

You can read, write, and speak Japanese fluently, which is part of the reason why you’ve been such an integral part of the team so far. The company’s sister branch is in Tokyo, and it’s not your first time visiting the branch, or interacting with your team members based in Tokyo.

You’ve wondered often, quite bitterly, if your fluency in Japanese is the only reason you’re even still on the team. Your boss and his boss at least trust you enough to be the responsible party for your team- there’s only one other member of your team here, Sana. But she’s relatively new, so the responsibility has fallen onto you.

That’s alright. You operate well under pressure.

You’re joined by your small knit team, Sana, Namjoon and Jungkook. Namjoon had managed to finagle with the budget enough that you could arrive a day early, on Friday, and spend the weekend in Tokyo before the workshops began on Monday.

And Seokjin would be flying in on Saturday morning with some of his friends. You’re grateful that at least Jin was coming. Whenever Jin makes these spontaneous types of trips, they’re bound to be eventful. 

Monday and Tuesday will be filled with workshops, proposals and pitch meetings. You made Jin promise that he’d spend time with you during the weekend, so that you could show him some of the treasures you remembered from the city. Despite your many years of friendship, you had never been to Tokyo with Jin and you want to show him some of the places Appa used to take you to.

You’re excited. Even if Jungkook, with his big, sparkling eyes and his natural curiosity is coming along. Seeing him, even though it’s been well over three months that he joined the company, sends you down a dangerous path that isn’t fair to him or to you.

You have to constantly remind yourself that it’s not his fault and you shouldn’t be mean to him. It’s not his fault that your boss and his boss are out for your blood and refuse to give you recognition. But you can’t help but feel like he’s part of the problem that has faced you for the last three years. Part of the same awful old school, conservative mindset that so many of your peers were part of as well.

The leadership at your company needed a drastic overhaul, but you would be the last person to voice those thoughts out loud. Unless it was to Jin. 

You know Jungkook doesn’t deserve your unspoken rage. You can admit that, but you’re not saint enough to channel it somewhere else. You’ve mellowed out considerably from the initial few months, but you could stand to be a little warmer to him.

After all, the way his bunny smile takes up half of his face when he offers it up to someone so worthy… that means nothing to you.

You arrive in Tokyo with your team at around eleven AM, and you check into your hotel rooms about an hour later. Jungkook and Sana had planned the logistics of the trip, from the hotel to the taxi service to lunch, dinner, and the company sponsored happy hour on Monday and Tuesday. 

Because you were in Tokyo for work, you fully planned on using your company card to the fullest for the next few days. This company could kiss your ass, and you would be more than willing to spend as much as you needed to as a subtle ‘fuck you’. It was your version of flipping off your boss, for when he would have to approve your expense report sheet. 

Namjoon had given you Friday to yourselves, to get acquainted with the hotel room and the area itself. Sana and Jungkook had done a good job with choosing the hotel- it has a wonderful view of the city from the rooftop, and being inside the sophisticated hotel with it’s hues of black and white and pops of color and elegance. This regal building screams opulence and you’re bathing in the luxurious feel of it all.

The diamonds of the chandeliers hanging high above you glint in the dim light of the lobby, bouncing off of the sleek, black piano and adding to the romantic air. Was this a love hotel? You scoff to yourself, keeping your head down as you exit the hotel and head in the direction of your favorite park, the Happo-en Garden. 

When you had told your therapist that you’d be coming to Tokyo for the first time since your father’s death, she had immediately picked up on your hesitation-

“It feels weird to be there without him. Almost like the place doesn’t exist if he doesn’t,” You scoff, wringing your hands together.

“It certainly exists without him. And you do, too,” She says kindly, “Maybe you’ll feel close to him when you go there.”

And she was right, as she usually is. You sit alone at a freshly painted red bench with a box of street snacks, including some of Appa’s favorites. The sunshine glimmers against the still lake in front of you, hues of green fading to orange and red reflecting in the murky water. 

This park was a favorite of Appa’s-

“We’re still in Tokyo, but it feels like we’re so far away. Right, sweetheart?” He asks, dark eyes shining. Appa’s hand tightens around yours and you nod excitedly.

“Yeah! Like we’re close to the princess’s castle!” You gasp.

“That’s right, but the only princess I see here is you,” Appa smiles and you beam at him, all smiles and sunshine.

The memory is from when you were maybe seven or eight years old. Everytime you came to Tokyo with Appa, you always came to this park. Specifically to this area, where Appa claimed that the sun shined on the leaves and the water in a specific way that made everything feel like magic.

You had always scoffed at him, especially as you grew older and the lines around his eyes grew deeper. But you still entertained him. You never saw that magic that Appa claimed to see, but now, you wonder how you could ever not see it.

A breeze ruffles through the trees, whistling as it threads through your hair and running over the water. The clouds part for a moment, allows a burst of sunbeams to spread over the water and you gasp at the sudden golden filter over the surroundings in front of you.

Another breeze, one from your left side, presses against your shoulder and your cheek. Almost like it’s whispering to you. You whip your head to the side, only to find nothing next to you. You feel like you’re floating, with the gentle caress of the wind to keep you company.

You eat your snacks in silence, embracing the way that it feels like the wind is Appa’s caress against your skin.

By the time you return to the hotel, the sun is beginning to go down and a bittersweet sort of happiness settles in your heart. You feel closer to your dad than you have in a long time- this city was bound to feel like home with its welcoming arms curling around you warmly. You had spent the better part of the day visiting old sights and places that you had frequented to with Appa. 

It was peaceful, like a walk down memory lane. You could almost see your younger self bursting at the seams with joy at all of the new places. You could almost see her so eager to learn and demanding that Appa teach you Japanese immediately.

You wonder where that girl went. She’s lost, buried beneath layers and layers and maybe someday you’ll find her again.

Stopping by one of your favorite restaurants, you order all of your favorites times three. For your colleagues to have something to feast on when you returned from your day trip. You hadn’t been on your phone for most of the day, choosing to mute the group chat with your colleagues so you could truly be alone. 

Once you approach the familiar blue neon sign of the restaurant, you send them a text:

you: evening all. dont worry about dinner, Im bringing lots of food back sana: look who woke up from her coma namjoon: did you put it on your card? you: of course i did. you dont have to remind me joon ;)  you: want to have dinner together? jungkook: ya where should we eat Namjoon: come to my room, it’s room 1804 you: ok, be there in about thirty min

With your heart feeling full, brimming with fondness for your teammates, you pay for the heavy bags of food and make your way back to the hotel. You can’t help but smile as you walk with a little pep in your step.

“You should have asked one of us to help you,” Jungkook says reproachfully, taking half the bags from you.

Your arms ache, not that you’ll admit your stubbornness. You only smile sheepishly, “It was only a fifteen minute walk.”

“And this is a lot of food,” Jungkook muses, peeking inside as his doe eyes sparkle in anticipation.

“It’s our first team dinner in Tokyo. We deserve it,” You shrug.

“I also bought a few bottles of wine,” Sana chirps, dangling two bottles of red in her hands, “We deserve it.”

You laugh and she winks at you. Namjoon is already setting up the many boxes of food on the mahogany wooden desk in the corner of the room. The curtains are pulled back, affording you of a breathtaking view of the city lights and the now hanging moon high in the sky.

“The boss has the best view, huh?” You tease, nudging his shoulder.

“Jungkook picked it,” Namjoon shrugs, “I just wanted to share the view with you all.”

“How sweet of you,” You say sincerely, “Dinner with a view. That’s pretty romantic. And Jungkook has good taste.”

Jungkook’s ears flush at your praise and he covers his ears for a second. Not that you notice. You sit on the floor, across from Jungkook and offer to scoop food onto everyone’s plates for them. You ignore their protests and do it anyway, quietly asking how much of each they want. Sana fills up plastic cups with wine and labels everyone’s cup with a black marker so you can all keep track of them.

“How classy of us,” Namjoon snorts but says thank you to Sana.

“Did you bring wine glasses in your luggage?” Sana shoots at Namjoon, “I didn’t think so.”

You stifle your laugh behind your hand and shake your head. “Feels like college, if only those cups were red,” You joke.

“My roommate still uses red cups sometimes, for casual purposes,” Jungkook says softly, “It drives me up the wall. Like, can you drink out of a normal cup or what? I get flashbacks to beer pong almost every morning.”

You laugh a little harder at that, and the sound is sweet in Jungkook’s ears. He wants to see if he can get you to laugh like that a little more.

“I mean, we’re grown now. I can’t believe Taehyung sometimes, having his morning orange juice in a red solo cup. It’s heinous.”

Your eyes are overflowing with mirth, the sound of your genuine happiness echoing in Jungkook’s ears and he can’t help but smile in return.

“Morning orange juice,” You mutter, “That’s adorable. Taehyung? That’s the name of your roommate?”

“Yeah,” Jungkook replies, “We did undergrad together and he’s an aspiring art gallery curator. He’s actually coming here tomorrow-”

“Wait, hang on,” You say after chewing through a mouthful of noodles, “Is this Taehyung, as in Kim Taehyung who you snuck into that bar with and he ended up getting absolutely hammered and stealing three bottles of alcohol? Before getting kicked out and Jin and I took you both home? That Taehyung?”

The fondness with which you speak of Taehyung unnerves Jungkook. 

“Yeah,” Jungkook nods, “That Taehyung.”

“Sounds like a real class act,” Sana says dryly.

“Wow, I haven’t seen him in years,” You exhale, “I think Jin’s bringing some friends from college tomorrow, too.”

“Yeah, he mentioned a Jimin and a Hoseok,” Namjoon adds.

“Damn, Sana, maybe we should’ve brought our friends, too,” You murmur, teasing but honestly, you don’t really have anyone you would’ve asked to bring, “Can’t wait to see what this boys weekend brings.”

You fully anticipate that Seokjin will rope you into whatever shenanigans they have planned, and you don’t even feel bad about crashing. You make a mental note to let Sana know of whatever plans they invited you to, so that she wouldn’t feel left out.

They don’t ask where you were all day, and for that you’re grateful. The lines of professionalism are beginning to blur for you, and you don’t want to burden them with your feelings and problems. You don’t want them to think differently of you for trying to catch a glimpse of Appa in your memories. 

Jin would say you were being silly, but you can’t help it. Maybe someday, but not today.

But Jungkook does wonder. Where were you all day? When the group chat was going off, you were silent. It was none of his business, but he’s curious. And he’s curious about you. You hadn’t changed out of your day clothes or taken your makeup off. He can see the nearly gone darkened stain of your gloss on your lips and the curl of your lashes. Jungkook keeps his eyes above your neck, knowing that if his eyes begin to wander he would be even more of a goner than he already was.

It’s September in Tokyo, meaning that it was warm during the day and somewhat chilly in the evenings. Your dark green long sleeved shirt is tucked into your shorts, complete with a black belt, leaving your tanned thighs on display. Jungkook thinks he catches a glimpse of a tattoo peeking from your shorts, but he thinks he imagines it. 

Until your shorts ride up just a little and he sees an array of colors and the fleeting sight of a flower on your upper thigh. Jungkook swallows nervously and stuffs his face full of udon noodles without hesitation. If his mouth is stuffed with food, then nobody will look twice at him and he can keep his thoughts to himself and ogle at you in peace. 

The logic makes sense in his head.

Your voice carries over to Namjoon, telling him that you’ll be picking Seokjin, Jimin and Hoseok up in the morning with the rental car.

“Hey, if Taehyung is arriving at the same time, do you want me to pick him up?” You ask, turning your gaze to Jungkook.

“Huh?” Jungkook asks. You roll your eyes.

“Taehyung. If he arrives at the same time as Jin, Jimin and Hoseok, do you want me to pick him up?”

“Er,” Jungkook says eloquently, “He’s actually been here for the last week. Thanks, though.”

You want to say that Jin would cause a scene and whine at you if you didn’t pick him up from the airport, the prince that he is. But you keep it to yourself- after all, he’s somewhat of a boss to Jungkook and Sana. 

You nod in understanding and shove more noodles and meat into your mouth. You stretch your legs out in front of you and Jungkook doesn’t look away, instead allowing his eyes to rake over you shamelessly. Nevermind that Namjoon and Sana are right next to him, probably wondering why he’s staring you down so intensely.

The four of you spend the rest of the evening discussing your plans for the weekend, avoiding the topic of work altogether. It’s nice, you can almost believe that you’re all just four friends making a weekend getaway without the confines of work looming over your heads.

Namjoon offers to split the remaining food amongst the four of you and puts equal amounts of everything into each container for all of you to take back to your rooms.

And then Sana pours more wine for each of you and you feel yourself beginning to get more and more relaxed with each sip you take. You want to open your stitched together lips, tell them how it’s been so long since you’ve had alcohol with anyone who wasn’t Jin. You want to tell them that you like red wine more than white wine, but nothing beats soju-

“What’s your favorite kind of wine,” Jungkook asks. He comes to sit next to you on the floor, stretching his legs out. His shoulder brushes against yours and you feel something like electricity at the soft touch.

“Um… I like reds over white wine. But I haven’t had that many reds to say which kind is my favorite,” You muse.

“Guess we’ll have to try some more red wine, huh?” Jungkook says, his eyes sparkling and bunny smile on display. 

Your heart warms and sputters at the same time.

“Yeah,” You nod breathlessly, “What about you? What do you like?”

“I’m not picky. I don’t really like cabernet,” Jungkook scrunches his nose, “Too bitter for me.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” You giggle, unable to believe that such a noise is coming out of your mouth. Despite Sana and Namjoon having their own conversation on the other side of the room, it feels like it’s just you and Jungkook for a minute in your own bubble.

“I like a good chardonnay, too. Nice ‘n crisp.”

“Me too, I love that crisp taste of a good white wine,” You reply, unable to keep your eyes off of him for longer than a second. His cheeks and the tips of his ears are a pretty pink and you wonder if his cheeks are as warm as yours are.

“Thought you didn’t like white wine?” Jungkook murmurs, head tilting inquisitively. 

“I prefer red, but if there’s white wine in front of me, I mean,” You shrug, “It’s not like ‘m gonna say no.”

“Oh? We’ll have to test that out, too,” Jungkook smiles, “I like soju the best. Nothin’ beats soju.”

“Yeah, peach and green grape,” You say knowingly, “The only flavors with rights.”

“Exactly. You get me,” Jungkook nods with wide eyes. He asks you about Tokyo, if you come here often. You answer him somewhat vaguely, but tell him that you grew up reading, writing and speaking Japanese. He looks impressed by that and the fondness in the lines of his lips startles you.

You chalk it up to the romance of this city making you soft and pliant to his doe eyes and the warmth of his smile. He’s so easy to get lost in- you find yourself leaning closer to him to hear what he has to say about his own travel dreams. He wants to go to New York City and Bangkok and Athens- the way his eyes light up constricts around your heart.

Every part of him radiates warmth and you want to be draped by it. He says something that makes you smile and laugh, and you swat at his shoulder reflexively. Jungkook only looks at you in that way. The way that makes you feel like you’re the only person in the world. He’s good at that.

He has hearts and stars in his eyes for you and it makes you choke.

Maybe you had imagined it all because you remember where you are. You’re in your boss’s hotel room and he’s standing right there. Jungkook sees the spark in your eyes disappear immediately and you pull away just as quickly, as if the moment had never happened.

He won’t deny the sting, but you’re so easy to get lost in. The fog in his mind clears, and while it’s only been a few minutes that you’ve been alone. It feels like much longer. But Namjoon and Sana are still deep in conversation, his dimples on display and her smile bright.

You pull away but your dark eyes are still wide and focused on him, stars swirling in your irises and Jungkook thinks he might fall into this wonderfully brown abyss held in your pretty face. Finally, you move away from him on the floor, almost immediately missing his warmth. You look back at him as you move to get some water, the same curious look on your face.

Your face is burning, and you’re surprised you’re able to keep this cool for this long. The urge to bolt from Namjoon’s hotel room and back to your own is one that you have to fight. But instead, you stay planted where you are. Jungkook confuses you, you hardly even know him and you had let him get so close to you. It’s not something you usually do, but what unnerves you is how nice it felt. The closeness of him, his eyes on you and only you. Are you bothered by it? 

No, you realize. No. You quite liked it. You’re supposed to hate him- he represents everything you hate. A young kid, a boy, raising quickly through the ranks of your corporate world, while you grasp at straws. 

Does he? Does he represent everything you hate? What a load of bullshit.

You swallow again. You need to leave.

“Hey, Joon,” You say softly, touching his elbow, “I’m going to head out. It’s getting late and I’ve gotta head out early tomorrow.”

Jungkook’s heart drops. He’d made you so uncomfortable that you were abruptly cutting your night short. Because of him. He needs to make this right.

“I’ll walk with you,” The words tumble out of Jungkook’s mouth before he can stop them. His heart is pounding in his ears- he needs to apologize before you hate him even more.

“Okay,” You reply with a smile, “Here are your leftovers.”

“I’ll walk with you both,” Sana says, taking her bag.

With that, you say your goodbyes and leave Namjoon’s room to the elevators. Your head feels like static, a wave of thoughts congealing into something impenetrable. The doors ding shut, all three of you standing on opposite ends of the elevator. You can’t look at Jungkook, you can’t see his doe eyes. Not right now.

Sana calls your name, “Thanks for the food.”

“No problem, Sana,” You murmur, “See you tomorrow.”

And then it’s just you and Jungkook in the elevator. 

“I’m sorry,” Jungkook says immediately, “I made you uncomfortable. I’m sorry. If you don’t wanna talk to me outside of work, I get it-”

“What?” You ask, finally looking at him. You take a step forward, close enough to him that you’re in his orbit. “You didn’t… You didn’t make me uncomfortable, Jungkook. I would have told you if you did. You just… confuse me.”

The last bit comes out as a vulnerable whisper and all Jungkook can do is nod. 

“Goodnight, Jungkook,” You say clearly, casting him a look over your shoulder as you exit the elevator. Your eyes are guarded once more, as if the night hadn’t happened. As if he hadn’t fallen for you even further. You wash him away from your bloodstream quickly and Jungkook feels his heart aching once more.

By the time you pick up Jin, Jimin, and Hoseok from the airport and arrive at the hotel, it’s nearly noon. The car ride back was fun, dare you say it. It amazed you how Jin still remained close in contact with people you went to college with. It felt natural, talking to Jimin and Hoseok. As if years hadn’t gone by.

They were hot, and that was your first assessment when you had met them at the airport. Jimin and Hoseok had both embraced you in tight hugs, without any regard for whether you wanted one or not. You found that you didn’t really mind.

You didn’t know how you were going to survive this weekend surrounded by these many attractive people. 

“We should celebrate. For this reunion,” Hoseok says.

“Jungkook is here, too,” You reply, “A great big university reunion right here in Tokyo, huh?”

“Oh, yeah. I keep forgetting you guys work together now,” Jimin says.

“Wait, you guys are friends still?” You ask.

“Why wouldn’t we be?” Jimin says, genuine confusion in the handsome planes of his face.

You suppose everyone else is better at making and maintaining friendships than you are. It stings a little, having so many people from university in the same place. In the city that already holds so many memories for you. But you’ll embrace it, because that’s what you’ve been working on. Embracing change.

And of course, what was a boys weekend without a night out at the club? Jin had all but demanded that you come, in true dramatic fashion- I can’t go out without you, you know. I can’t believe you’re considering leaving me like this. I’ll die there without you.

It didn’t take much from you to roll your eyes but agree and tell him that you were inviting Sana.

“Go pregame and get ready with your boys,” You had urged him, “It’s so rare you all are together like this. I’ll catch up with you later.”

“Are you sure?” Jin asked with uncertainty and you had only smiled warmly at him. 

“Yes, Seokjin. I’m sure. I’ll be crashing the party soon, don’t worry,” You reassured him and he left your hotel room. He promised to text you when to come and you just nodded, shooing him away.

That had been nearly two hours ago, and you’re putting the finishing touches on your makeup with Sana getting ready in the bathroom. Music is playing through your phone and once you’re done with your lip gloss, you make drinks and prepare shots for you and Sana.

“You’ve gotta tell me how you’re friends with so many hot men,” Sana says, taking a seat on the bed.

You scoff, “I’m really only friends with Jin. The rest of them come with Jin, we’re hardly friends.”

“Oh?” Sana asks with a skeptical raise of her eyebrow, “You all went to school together, right?”

“Yeah… Something like that,” You say lightly, “Jin kept in touch with all of them. I didn’t.”

You leave it at that and Sana knows not to press further.

“They’re all nice guys. I always had fun with them,” You say fondly, “You will, too.”

“Cheers to that,” Sana grins, “We look hot. Let’s take a picture.”

“Should we send it to our boss,” You roll your eyes.

“Yeah, that would send him off the deep end. He’d be here in five seconds, dragging us out by our ears,” Sana rolls her eyes as well with a laugh.

You try your best to make Sana feel as comfortable as she can with you. At least so that she’s comfortable when you go meet up with the guys later. You know it can be intimidating being around people who are so close, but they’ve always been welcoming.

It begs the question- why did you let them all go?

You don’t have time to unpack all of that. By the time Jin texts you, telling you to come to his suite on the eighteenth floor, you and Sana are three drinks and two shots in.

You’ve drank more in the last two days than you have in the last year alone. At least that’s what it feels like. 

You make sure to take your hotel card, phone and wallet and ensure that Sana does as well. Giggles erupt from the both of you when you enter the elevator, and excitement thrums in your veins. The liquid courage bouncing around in your veins makes you feel relaxed and you tug Sana’s hand out of the elevator once the steel doors open.

You text Jin from outside his door, you can already hear the loud peals of laughter and the beat of music through the walls. You wonder if they’ve gotten any noise complaints yet, but probably not- his room is the only one on this side of the hotel. He probably did this on purpose.

When he doesn’t answer your text, you decide to knock obnoxiously and Sana giggles at your impatience. On your fifth knock, the door swings open and you see Jin’s tipsy face complete with reddened cheeks and his broad smile. 

He hugs you like he hasn’t seen you in years, he even lifts you off of the ground a little bit. Your heart flutters with affection for him as you whine for him to put you down.

“Jin!” You shriek, “At least go inside, dummy- stop embarrassing me-”

He finally puts you down and holds you by the shoulders to take you in. His eyes are sharp and he says nothing as he assesses your outfit, apparently deeming you as acceptable as he waves you inside. He says hello to Sana, who returns his mellowed out hug graciously.

Jin hands you both full cups, and you trust Jin enough to know it’s a yummy but strong drink. You grip your cup tighter and allow Sana to go in front of you. The last thing you want is for her to feel left out, so you want the guys to be introduced to her first.

Besides, they all already knew you.

Jin does the introductions quickly, the guys all warming up to Sana and bringing her in for hugs as well. Her cheeks are flushed, and you knew she’d feel flustered. They’re intense in their friendliness and it would make anyone feel flustered and warm.

And then their eyes land on you and you wish you could melt into the floor. Six pairs of eyes stare back at you- apparently Yoongi had also decided to come as well. 

College reunion indeed.

You stay close to Jin, offering them a weak wave of your fingers and a smile. 

“Hello boys,” You say dramatically,  “Long time no see.”

“Jin’s been hiding you all to himself, hasn’t he?” Jimin says, not bothering to hide the way he’s looking at you. And you don’t mind, not really- you know you look good.

“I just saw you this morning. When I picked your sorry ass up from the airport,” You reply and Jimin pouts at you as everyone around you laughs at his expense. 

“Still so mean,” Jimin murmurs and you roll your eyes.

And with that, alcohol continues to flow as the chatter continues on.

You cast another glance to Sana, making sure she’s not by herself. You relax when you see her talking to Yoongi and Hoseok, smiling to yourself at how quickly she takes to them.

“Hey pretty,” Jimin says, seeing you near the alcohol and joining you.

“Hey you,” You parrot back and he smiles at you in that sweet, disarming way, “Want a drink?”

“You always made the best drinks,” Jimin says, handing his cup over to you. You ignore the way your chest tightens at his use of past tense.

“Maybe you just never knew how to make drinks,” You murmur, “Probably still don’t, huh?”

Jimin laughs lightly at that as a silence falls between you both. “You look good,” Jimin exhales, “You doin’ alright?”

You never know what to say to that. “Yeah. You look good, Jimin. You doin’ alright?” 

“Yeah. I’m still in Seoul at the dance school. Don’t be such a stranger,” Jimin murmurs and before you can protest, he pokes your forehead affectionately. 

“You’ll ruin my makeup,” You complain but give him a small smile, “Jimin. ‘M glad to see you. All of you.”

Jimin looks like he wants to say something more. But he bites his tongue. This isn’t the place to pick a petty fight, so he lets it go. Jungkook approaches you both, resting his arm on Jimin’s shoulder. Jimin groans dramatically and Jungkook only offers him a smile and a giggle.

“Cup’s empty,” Jungkook says, wiggling his cup to both of you, “Stop hoggin’ the alcohol.”

“Blame Jimin. Everything’s his fault,” You tease and Jimin rolls his eyes at you both.

“It is, isn’t it?” Jungkook grins and Jimin slips out from under Jungkook with another roll of his eyes. “Hey, you met Taehyung yet? My roommate? You ‘member him?”

His eyes are slick with alcohol, and yet they still sparkle at you like you hold all of the answers to the universe in them. He has this way of making you feel like you’re the only person in the world. It unnerves you, like many things about him do.

“No, where is he?”

Jungkook shouts for Taehyung to join him and you wince. All of a sudden his sandy haired roommate pops up from the direction of the living area and joins you at the drinks table. He looks a far cry from the boy you had driven home that night many years ago.

You knew being in the presence of so many attractive people was going to kill all of your brain cells by the end of the night.

Taehyung calls your name and nerves seize you inexplicably. 

“You remember me?” The words escape your lips before your brain has a chance to stop them.

“Course I do? The pretty girl who saved Kook and I at that one bar that I’m still banned from?” Taehyung grins, his eyes sweet and sincere.

“Jin was with me too, don’t forget him,” You say dryly, “Nice to see you again after all this time. And you’re Jungkook’s roommate?”

“Unfortunately,” Jungkook chimes in, earning him a laugh from you.

Taehyung is magnetic when he speaks to you, honey dripping from his tongue as he tells you about his journey as an aspiring art museum curator. Passion lights up his dark irises, his smile matching the intensity of it and you’re certain he has this effect on everyone he speaks to. They’re both so close to you, in your bubble and the scent of their cologne wafts into your nose. 

You drink more. You don’t know how to cope with all of this. So you drink.

Jungkook tells you that they’ve been roommates all through graduate school and they had recently moved into a new, bigger place. Now that they were both making a little more money. You find yourself benignly jealous of the life they live- two close friends living together and living for these kinds of nights with their other close friends. The bond they built and strengthened over the years is obvious in the way Taehyung holds Jungkook close, the way Hoseok lights up the entire room and makes everyone smile just because he’s smiling, the way Yoongi and Jimin bicker like an old married couple… Namjoon has already slotted himself within the group. Jin probably introduced him to them a while back, you realize.

Jungkook excuses himself to use the bathroom, leaving his cup next to Taehyung on the table. Taehyung’s gaze makes you nervous- the shift in his eyes is apparent as he lazily rakes his eyes over you.

“Kook told me he was workin’ with you again,” Taehyung murmurs, “What he didn’t tell me was how pretty you are.”

“What a line,” You say flatly and roll your eyes. To your surprise, he laughs, his smile making you smile as well.

“Just bein’ honest,” Taehyung shrugs, “‘Snot everyday you see our hot grad school girl after five years.”

“You’re full of it,” You roll your eyes, shoving his shoulder playfully, “‘Our?’”

“Jungkook was-” Taehyung starts but he’s interrupted by the man himself. Jungkook was what?

“You talkin’ about me?” Jungkook says, elbowing Taehyung. Taehyung only shakes his head and hands him his cup, before excusing himself. He throws you another charming smile and if you weren’t so on edge, your knees might have buckled.

“He’s…” 

“A pain in the ass?” Jungkook supplies, “Yeah.”

“No, I was gonna say he’s interesting,” You laugh. A short silence settles between you both, giving you a moment to really take him in. You itch your chin nervously before pushing your lips to the rim of your cup and watching him.

You’ve always known that Jungkook was somehow handsome, sexy and cute all at the same time- wide, doe eyes, pinchable cheeks, pretty smile, and then his body… His thighs strain against the tight material of his pants and you’re certain it’s deliberate. His button up shirt is loose but still molds to his muscles in that way where it leaves you wanting more. His shirt is buttoned at the elbow, giving you a peek to the smattering of tattoos on his forearm. His dark hair is parted in the middle, all soft and shiny, and a little long. It settles over his forehead, almost in his eyes, effortlessly. Two hoops in each ear glint in your direction and you swallow nervously.

Jungkook catches you looking at his tattoos- how ironic, considering he’s doing the same of you. The satin black top you’re wearing has a plunging neckline, giving him a view of the tattoos stemming from your upper arm to your clavicle.

It also offers him a teasing hint of your bare chest where if you turn to the side just a little, he catches a glimpse of even more. It makes him swallow, just as nervous as you. The top itself is loose, only cinched a little at the waist but your pants are tight, your strappy heels adding even more dimension to your legs.

You nervously twist the layering of gold necklaces around your neck. Jungkook has always thought you were beautiful, but he’s never seen you like this. Not even when he knew you years ago.

“Your cup’s empty again,” You laugh nervously, offering to make him another drink. You don’t know what to do with your hands, wanting to keep busy.

“Oh,” Jungkook breathes, “Yeah.”

He tries to keep his eyes on your hands, really he does. But you bend forward just a little and his eyes immediately flit to your plentiful chest. 

Jungkook thinks he might die, and what a way to go.

You pull away from the table, handing him his drink and he thanks you quietly. Jungkook ignores the way your eyes shine curiously at him, and he buries himself in the confusion fuzzing up his mind.

Jin, to your relief, pulls you away from Jungkook before you can do something incredibly stupid. Like let him burst through your carefully structured walls even further than he already has.

Typically, clubs are not your favorite place to be. The intense crowd, the neon lights, the smoke… It’s all over the top. Usually, you can’t even hear yourself think over the music. Though, you don’t mind the sense of anonymity in such a crowded place. Besides, you’ve heard great things about IBEX, so you’re curious about it.

It’s a huge place, easy for everyone to split up, but still small enough that you can easily find your group. You urge Sana to go have fun with the guys as you order a round of drinks for everyone. As one of the oldest of your friends, you felt that sense of responsibility for them. Even if you hadn’t called them friends in years.

You signal them over once the drinks are ready, catching Namjoon’s eye and beckoning him over. They slowly begin to surround you, shouting thank you’s over the music. Jimin slings his arm around your shoulders as if it’s nothing. As if he’s known you for all this time.

It makes you feel warm. He gazes at you with crescent eyes and a full smile. It makes your heart thump heavily in your chest.

“Cheers,” Jimin says, tearing his eyes away from you and towards the group. His toast elicits a sequence of ‘cheers’ from everyone. You scan across all of them before your eyes inevitably land on Jungkook. He’s looking at you with a smile, the kind of smile that makes you wonder if it’s a smile only for your eyes.

Your smile matches his in intensity, neither of you pulling your gazes away. Until Jin pulls you away from Jimin, exclaiming that he needs to dance with you. His best friend.

The moment passes, and you make sure Sana is okay. She’s conversing with Yoongi now, and he’s laughing at something she’s saying. It makes you feel warm. Again.

You allow the music to pump through your veins as laughter bubbles from your lips freely at Jin’s antics. You entertain him, copying his coordinated movements with his same enthusiasm. You can tell he’s drunk, from the fiery flush in his cheeks and the tips of his ears. He abruptly pulls you close to him for a tight hug and holds your face in his hands.

“Jin,” You giggle, “What you doin’?”

“I love you,” Jin giggles, “Y’r my best friend, ‘n I love you.” He always got like this when you were drunk, so affectionate. You wonder how he knows exactly what you need to hear, when you need to hear it.

“Can’t wait for you t’meet Yuna when we get home,” Jin slurs.

“I’m excited, too-”

“She’s nervous y’know,” Jin continues as if you hadn’t said anything, “Knows y’r my best friend.”

“Jin,” You exhale, “Even if she doesn’t like me, you clearly like her. I shouldn’t matter-”

“No,” Jin says sharply, “Why d’you think you don’t matter? You matter to me.”

“Jin-”

“Stop it,” He silences you and you comply with a sigh. 

“She doesn’t have to be nervous around me,” You finally say.

“You can be a little scary when you want to be,” He teases.

“That’s exactly how I want to be known,” You scoff and Jin laughs, swaying with you offbeat to the music. You stand with Jin like that for a few minutes, sipping on your drink and giggling at his antics.

“Seokjin,” You murmur, voice a little shaky, “I never say it but… I-I love you. So much. You’re my best friend and my rock. I don’t know who I’d be without you-”

“You’d be you,” Jin says without missing a beat, “You’d be scary, intense, kind, genuine, petty, funny and beautiful with or without me, sweetheart.”

Jin sees wetness in your eyes and pulls you in for another hug. “None of that,” Jin murmurs, “Hey, let’s take a picture ‘n send it to Grandma. She’ll get a kick out of that.”

You stand in Jin’s arms, in the crowd of people surrounding you and not paying attention to you. Despite the throng of people around you, it feels like it’s just you and Jin, and your friends in the club.

“Let’s get back to our friends,” You say, “They probably think we’re making out-”

“You would be so lucky,” Jin scoffs, “Only Yuna gets this handsome face.” You pinch his cheeks affectionately and coo at him.

“Hey, by the way,” Jin says, “Not to be totally unprofessional here. But I’m pretty sure Jeon Jungkook has the hots for you. Kid won’t stop lookin’ at you. Not that I can blame him, I mean look at your tits.”

With that statement, Jin walks away from you, leaving you confused and curious- two words becoming increasingly common with your thoughts of Jeon Jungkook.

“Hey pretty,” comes a sweet voice to your right side. You already know it’s Jimin before you meet his sincere eyes.

“Hey you,” You reply, “Wanna dance? We used to always be in sync.”

If Jimin is surprised he doesn’t show it. He only takes your drink and finishes it, placing it on a high table near you. He walks behind you, a hand on the small of your back as you weave through the crowd easily. Bodies push back into you but you only dance along with them to move past. Jimin pulls you closer to him once he finds a spot, pulling you into his side. He turns you so that you’re facing him, the lights of the club illuminating the sheen of his lips and the shine in his eyes. You push a stray strand of his silver hair back behind his ear.

“I meant it you know,” Jimin murmurs, for your ears only, “You look good.” You lean into him at his praise, a hand on his chest. Your nails press into the soft material of his dress shirt and he tightens his grip around your waist, thumbs rubbing circles. 

“You do, too,” You reply easily, “You always did.”

Jimin scoffs but you look at him earnestly. “I mean it,” You say with a smirk, mimicking his words. He says nothing, only holds you and rolls his hips into yours to the beat of the music. He watches you carefully, trying to gauge your reaction. You snake a hand to the base of his neck and lightly scratch as he presses his nose to your neck. You’re lucky he’s holding you tight- you’re certain you’re knees would buckle if it weren’t for him.

It’s been years since anyone danced with you like this. You let out a soft sound into his skin and Jimin groans, pressing his hips into yours even more slowly if possible.

“Why’d you leave,” Jimin breathes into your skin, “Missed you. Missed my friend.”

“I was a mess,” You mutter, “I’m still a mess.”

“You’re here now?” He asks, looking at you with big eyes. Jimin cups your face tenderly, and you’re not sure how many of these kind touches you can take for one night.

“Yeah,” You say faintly, “I just… couldn’t. I still can’t.”

You won’t apologize for mending your own cracks the way you needed to. And Jimin knows that. “Don’t be a stranger,” Jimin says and pulls you in for a hug.

“Jimin,” You mumble, “I missed you, too.”

Barely stifling a yawn, you look around for your group. They’re all within eyesight of you- Sana and Yoongi were still engrossed in conversation with each other, Namjoon with Jin, Hoseok and Jimin and Taehyung with Jungkook. Taehyung casts a look over to you and immediately whispers to Jungkook. It shouldn’t surprise you that they both saunter over to you, standing on either side of you. Taehyung wraps an arm around your shoulders and leans against you as if you’re old friends. At this angle, you can see the expanse of his tanned, golden skin since the top few buttons of his shirt are popped.

“See somethin’ you like?” Taehyung asks coyly with a wink.

“No, just wondering why you’re wearing tinted aviators inside,” You mutter, pointing at him, “You look like an asshole.”

Taehyung laughs, throwing his head back good-naturedly, “You clearly don’t know fashion. You must think you’re hilarious.”

Before you can retort, a yawn overtakes you. “Are we boring you?” Jungkook teases.

“No, ‘m just tired,” You blink to force yourself to stop yawning, “Hey, you guys wanna get ice cream?”

“Yes,” Jungkook says instantly.

Taehyung nearly snorts but agrees. By the time you and Jungkook say your goodbyes, and you ask for the tenth time if Sana wants to come with you (she declines, opting to stay with Yoongi), Taehyung is nowhere to be found. Jungkook rolls his eyes, his phone vibrating with a text from him-

taehyung: you’re welcome 

“Tae’s not coming,” Jungkook says slowly, wondering if you might change your mind if it’s just you two getting ice cream.

You shrug, “His loss. I know a great place.”

Taking Jungkook to one of your favorite ice cream places that you used to come with Appa to feels intimate. But it feels right and you’re not bothered by it. Once you buy your respective cones (you pay for both before Jungkook can even fumble for his card), you head back outside for a short walk towards the hotel.

The ice cream place itself was close to the hotel, though you had to Uber here from the club. It’s a nice night for a walk, a little chilly but not uncomfortably so. You and Jungkook fall into an easy conversation, talking about the silliness of your shared friends.

He looks nice under the moonlight, you decide. A light breeze lifts his hair up briefly before it flawlessly settles over his forehead.

“I can’t keep up with you,” Jungkook whispers, his words carrying into the night air.

“What do you mean?” Your heart picks up immediately at the anguish in his tone. The air between both of you shifts immediately. What was easy becomes hardened, the space between suffocating you. You can physically see him pulling away from you. Months, or maybe years, of frustration seems to be coming to a head right here. Right near your favorite ice cream shop.

“One sec you hate me. The next, you’re asking me to get ice cream with you,” Jungkook says, something familiar and icy curling in his brown irises. It always looks so off-putting, the callousness in his eyes. It seems to be directed at you so often these days.

“I don’t hate you-”

“You avoided me for 2 and a half months. You’re only talking to me now because you have to!”

“That’s not true-”

“Oh, really? You telling me that you the last two and a half months was all in my head?”

You stay quiet, because he’s not wrong.

“That’s what I thought,” Jungkook says to himself, tearing his eyes from you. The cold look in his eyes has returned and it makes your heart ache. He can’t look at you like that, you can hardly bear it.

“I’m fucked up, I get it. Don’t think I don’t get it-”

“You left. Without a goodbye and now fuckin’ five years later- my dream girl’s my colleague and she hates me.”

A sudden, chilling epiphany douses you- he has no idea why you left. You know him well enough to know that he’ll feel awful once you tell him. Apparently none of his friends had told him. Maybe they thought it was your story to tell. It’s not much of a story, not really. It’s the story of a heartbroken girl with commitment issues.

Your face drops. Maybe he’s hurting you the same way you hurt him. But it changes nothing.

“You can’t even look at me now!”

“You listen to me, Jungkook,” You hiss, “I’m not your dream girl. I’m nobody’s dream girl, so let’s get that straight. I’m awful a-and terrible and mean- and… 

“My dad died,” You finally whisper, “Appa died and I couldn’t handle grad school so I dropped out. Dropped off the face of the earth. Got the first job I could, for Grandma and me. 

“I fuckin’ dropped out, my daddy died and I can’t look at you sometimes because it fuckin’ reminds me of when I was happy and I can’t chase that feeling because I don’t know what it feels like anymore!”

Jungkook’s eyes are wide, pretty pink lips parted in speechlessness. Fuck. You’ve ruined any chance at friendship with him, you know that. So you bury the dagger even further in whatever this is and you turn on your heel and run. Because that’s all you’re good at. Running. Your eyes are blurry with freely falling tears and the sound of your own heaving sobs are loud in your ears. 

You leave your heart out on the streets of Tokyo, near your favorite ice cream shop but you don’t even hear the sound of Jungkook chasing after you.

[p1nkwitch]

Ok, i did not forget tmastuck is still alive, i just had lots of other ideas, but.

Here we go again. 3 conversations.

@nonbinaryeye

SINNAMONROLL started pestering BEATINGHEART

SR: How long Jonah?

BH: As long as it takes to reach the new session, then I can just leave if my presence is so annoying to you.

SR: Not what I mean and you know it. They are both looking for you. There are just so many times I can lie to their faces. So many times Kitty kat has to lie to her humans, she is sad Jonah.

BH: Do not put our child into this.

SR:...

BH:Ughhhh stupid cat brain.

SR: Still its actually bothering them.

BH: Oh and what should I do, let them find me? How do you think that would end? Hm? I basically took away their powers Barnabas, I let the institute- my institute get destroyed. There is no coming back from that.

BH: Then there is the whole other thing about not actually being anything that a copy!! What do I do with that?

SR: Look, I'm a copy too! I'm not the Barnabas Bennet that was, but I have his memories still. So what? I like this new life. This new chance!! You can have that too Jonah.

BH: We could…

SR: Oh Jonah we both know that it wouldn't work, we already tried and it fell apart. Its not me that you want anymore and I'm… more happy with just being friends this time around. It was stupid of us to even try again, i knew it, but i was just… lonely, heh. Neither is what the other wants. Not anymore.

BH: Maybe if we work on it! I could... try to change.

SR: No, no you won't, and honestly ? I don't want you to. Mistakes happen, otherwise we wouldn't keep falling into each other.

BH: Not all of it was a mistake, it couldn't have been!

SR: … Maybe, maybe not before, I will admit that, but you want more than I can give. That's not bad, it just means I'm not the one you should be getting it from. We worked before, but you have more memories of a life without me and you aren't the same person I loved then.

BH: If i'm not that, and i'm not Jonah, then who the hell am i?

SR: Well, that is really up to you I suppose. To figure it out. I… will keep them away still for a little bit more. But Jonah, I can't keep doing this forever. We are barely halfway through on the trip.

BH: So? Have you seen them, i- they are in love. God why would- i dont even know what else to say.

SR: Try, speak with them, figure out something. You are clever. I need to go, I'm supposed to play cards with Martin. Its funny, he reminds me of Jonathan…

BH: Im sorry.

SR: I know, but its not enough.

SR: Talk to you later ok?

BH: Sure.

SINNAMONROLL ceased pestering BEATINGHEART

BH: …

BEATINGHEART started pestering SPOOKYARCHIVE

BH: How are you holding on?

SA: … Not sure. Its weird.

BH: Breakups are always messy affairs.

SA: You would know wouldn't you?

BH: Rude, do you want me to leave Jon? Because I can. I'm fairly sure i'm the only one you are even talking with at this point.

SA: Not true, I speak with Daisy.

BH: Aha, how does that go for you?

SA: … Its ok, she tries to cheer me up and its… nice, but sometimes she insists on me to stop moping and well.

BH: Tiresome?

SA: Yes, so much. The other just don't want me near, and its- i dont even have my powers anymore, i thought- well i assumed that perhaps like this it would be better, but its like someone cut off something from me.

SA: Georgie tries, but if I mention anything regarding my powers she becomes upset. Melanie is… herself, that bridge got burned a long time ago. Basira.

BH: Ah the detective, she is… impassive i have come to understand.

SA: Yes, and it's confusing, because sometimes we can get along but others I just seem like the enemy. I'm starting to realize that perhaps it was always like that.

BH: Mm, how does that make you feel regarding what happened with Martin.

SA: I- god i was so stupid, i thought we could just be better now that i was cut off, that we could be together but it became obvious that we had two different views of things and it was always grating, I could overlook it, but Martin did not. And it- its not a break up just some time to think.

BH: Jon.

SA: Hahahaha, it's actually funny i think, that's exactly what Georgie told me before breaking up with me.

BH: I do not think its funny Jon.

SA: Well what else am I supposed to take from it???

SA: That I'm terrible at keeping things? That the people around me dont care?

BH: Purrhaps, you confuse coworkers with friends, Jon. Have… Do you have a good frame of reference? To know what is normal or not? I'm trying my best to not sound pushy since you established that does not help you. So think of this as your homework of sorts.

BH: Try and think of behaviour that points to them being friends or coworkers. Hell just go with trauma victims if it makes you feel any better, take that. Make a list and tell me the results.

BH: As for Martin, as you said I don't have the track record to help. Asking Elias… well he has Peter. So maybe that is more helpfur to you. But I doubt it. Listen, divorce your feelings on the matter and think objectively.

BH: Imagine…. imagine someone else, literally anyone you know and try to put them in your place. Would you accept them to be treated like that? Do you think its normal?

SA: I… don't, I really don't. God i'm a mess.

BH: You are something of a mess, but the blame is not on you completely. That others see you as an easy target for their own insecurities doesn't make you the one to blame. Now, you did make mistakes from what we talked about, and we addressed that and their consequences on your relationships before, like with Tim. But, clearly there are also things they are not dealing with either and they use you as a scapegoat.

SA: Don't try to put them against me.

BH: Oh Jon, the sad thing is, I don't have to.

SA: I… will try to speak with Martin again later.

BH: Ok. Good luck, do try to do what I asked you, ok?

SA: Yes… yes, sure. Thank you Jonah.

BH: You are welcome.

SA: … Will you speak with them?

BH: I can't. Goodbye.

BEATINGHEART ceased pestering SPOOKYARCHIVE

WEBDESIGNER started pestering BEATINGHEART

WD: ::::)

BH: What do you want Annabelle?

WD: Can a friend not say hello?

BH: Considering we are not friends and you weren't supposed to make it here, I hardly doubt it.

WD: Oh buuu you sad, sad man.

WD: Anyways, I saw those two moving around trying to find you, very sad. Peter was looking grumpy. Elias was very annoyed. Do you want a picture?

BH: Why are you bothering me with this??

WD: … Its… the first time in years that I don't have the web controlling my actions. I always liked to play matchmaker, before my change.

WD: Its refreshing to be able to say what I mean without pain or speaking in riddles. The trip gets boring otherwise. I have been pestering Martin, but he is stubborn. Plus poor sad Jon.

BH: Leave him alone please, he is already messed up enough as it stands and im playing therapist for free. No need to add more trauma.

WD: That you caused him, or the other you caused him. Its perhaps a very interesting thing that he chose the version of you that did not harm him to be his confidant don't you think? There is something there to be said, even psychoanalyzed.

BH: Annabelle the point.

WD: Right pictures.

WD: sent (picture)

BH:... Annabelle, they are just making out??!!? How did you-??

WD: I have secrets. Have some more.

WD: ATTACHED (PICTURES1,2,3,4)

WD:??? Are you ok? Its been 20 minutes??

WD: Did I kill you? They didn't even get to lose more than the shirts calm down, I was sure you got into more freaky stuff in your years.

BH: How??

WD: Do you want me to get more?

BH: No!!

WD: Are you sure? Trip is long… maybe you need something to keep you… mmm interested?

BH: I will leave.

WD: Sure, sure. Offer always stands. Anyways. I will just say, because i'm fully capable of it now. They very much want you in there too. Its very weird, but considering the things i have seen and done for the web its the least concerning thing.

WD: So stop hiding and go get your throupe you coward.

BH: ANNABELLE!!

WD: ;;;;)

WEBDESIGNER ceased pestering BEATINGHEART

[fucker-anon]

Bloody Painter Headcanons

am i gonna write about helen even tho no one cares? fUCK YEA @creepy-bi-day hope you enjoy. Im still not a writer sorry :/. also my personal hcs, its okay to disagree. Also dark themes again. 

Bloody Painter

Backstory:

was born on Oct 1st, 1980, fully name Helen Otis

mother is white, father is Japanese

is an only child. Helen’s parents had a very difficult time in getting pregnant like yeeeaaars (10 ish) and they also really wanted a girl. Like in their head, they would be getting a girl. and when they did get pregnant the ultra scan did show a girl. so they were in shock when a boy popped out. 

they no likely. Since helen’s mom was a teacher, they decided to raise the boy as a girl and simply homeschool them until they had to go to college, once there they could simply transition into a girl. This is how they thought trans people were so they thought they’ll do the same to get a girl (This was obliviously wrong)

so they tried to do that but mother couldn’t get the needed forms and paperwork to homeschool Helen so they had to go to school. so their parents decided the best thing to do was to make them as manly as possible in 6 months. so everything pink and girl (lots of which were comfort items like plushies, and art things) were thrown out in front of poor 6 year old Helen who didn’t understand what was happening. Helen couldn’t do art, couldn’t wear certain clothes, couldn’t say certain things. punishments weren’t physical but there was a lot of yelling.

around the 3 month before school started, their parents decided that maybe Helen should meet their grandparents (parents kept giving excuses why they couldn’t visit). everything was going swell until the grandparents on the father’s side asked why name their BOY a GIRL name. before the parents could say anything, helen said “cause im a girl?” ... yaaaa queerphobic grandparents and little helen didn’t get along. plus helen was white passing so asian grandparents blamed their mom.

parents cut contact with the grandparents, and yelled at helen a lot. (poor bby) this mental abuse continued over 3 months and caused helen to stop talking and start repressing a lot of his feeling which his parents encouraged cause “”bOYs donT hAve fEeLinGs””

in school, the parents told the teacher that there was a mix up when filling out his name and that they should call him Otis. Of course one teacher messed up and called him Helen, and then they got a lot of comments form their peers, but they learned not to say that they were a girl at this point. 

helen was lightly bullied for his name, and when they tried to tell a teacher they were told to “man up :))” 

and so more repressing feelings

it wasn’t until middle school where someone (a kid who they later learned was named tom), stole and planted a watch of another girl into helen’s bag. This meant helen’s bullying got a lot worse. Before it was a comment here or there, now it was physical and a lot often. this is also when he began to develop symptoms of anxiety and depression.

he slowly became friends with Tom, who was also bullied a lot. But one day Tom took Helen to the roof where Tom confessed into planting the watch. Helen was very upset, and the two started to argue when Tom slipped off the edge, Helen tried to hold on to Tom, but Tom let go of his hand. Tom dead.

there was an investigation done, and Helen wasn’t in trouble as some students and teachers said how they saw him hold onto Tom. The school was given a speech about how bullying was bad, and tried to get things back to normal. Helen’s bully did die down, tho lots of ppl tried to spread rumors about how he pushed Tom. 

his parents were more upset over how this would look and not about Helen’s mental health. Helen never told them about the bulling. 

When high school started, the bullies acted as if nothing happened. and on Halloween, Helen snapped and killed 5 of the main bullies. He was caught and sent to a mental hospital. 

so you think that finally, Helen can get the help they need right :)). ahhah no....

so the hospital did diagnose Helen with depression and a mild case of anxiety, but basically put them on pills. the actually therapist had a very hard time getting Helen to open up. this is because the on their first session helen started with his gender identity, and the therapist told him “look you are biologically a boy, so you must be a boy :))” and when they said that sometimes he felt more comfortable when they were more fem, they was told that was wrong. 

so helen shut up like a clam cause they did not feel safe with this guy

at least they learned how to somewhat manage their depression and anxiety :)

once helen turned 18 he was released, and Helen decided to be an artist and not kill. but he saw another one of his bullies and said fuck it.

slender saw and was like “i like this child. imma adopt them”

and Helen joined the mansion

Personality:

look Helen was mocked and betrayed by basically every person in their life, they don’t trust ppl

they are nice, but they don’t new people

if you’re nice they’ll be nice, if you’re mean they’ll be mean, simple

cold hearted, look if you are neutral to them and get run over by car they wont do anything. the world was shit to them, they’re shit back.

quiet. like Helen could be inches away and you still won’t hear them

buttttt if you get close (good luck) you see a passionate, kinda nerdy, very kinda touch starved, sarcastic person who just lived a shitty life. 

Fun Facts:

k mans has a 6 inch dick, 7 when hard, but is thick, and stretches you out-

*cough* moving on-

bi sexual. Helen has a very hard time acknowledging romantic feelings but is down to date the girls, gays and theys. again good luck getting there but it may happen.

gender fluid Helen has come a long way and their gender identity has ranged from girl, boy, both, none and yes. They’ve settled on gender-neutral pronouns but doesn’t hate being called she/her or he/him usually. On a bad day, they can’t say the same. 

Called them painter. The only ppl who can called them by their birth names are ppl who are close to them. On fem days, they like Helen. On masc days, they like Otis. Sometimes they don’t care, sometimes they just wanna be called painter. If you’re not sure and you actually care just ask, he’ll say what day it is. usually they dress accordingly, but still if you’re not sure ask, they’ll prefer it.

Speaking of clothes, the fit??? is on point???? like imagine dark academia with more blues, blacks and tans. Helen looks like the protagonist of a boarding school au.

they will wear skirt and dresses and corsets, and do they’re (slightly basic) hair and makeup.

some creeps (jeff) tried to make fun of helen for this. And when you look at Helen you dont think that they’re much of a fight. Helen’s lean and kinda thin (kid doesn’t eat a lot), but Helen did karate for year cause their dad wanted their “perfectly normal son” to do something manly and kinda close to their culture. Helen learned how to fight with a very good guard and how to be very fast but not so much strong. Wasn’t until he got out of the mental hospital did he learn about pressure points, specially those that dont need a lot pressure :) you see where this is going. 

Basically Helen is that one movie character who touches a spot on someone's neck and they pass out. (this is the best i can describe it, they dont do this exactly but similar things) 

also very talented at art and arty things. like annoyingly good. he’ll try wood craving and make amazing things after only learning about it an hour ago. Current draws online and does online commissions to pay for his coffee

actually likes hunting, not with gun but with like bows an arrows. they dont hunt often cause they like animals

has to finish whatever they���re working on. please force this baby into bed

has a coffee addiction

likes classical music and lofi. 

dont talk about the whole painting with blood thing, they were 14, it was cringey, they know

hair is like chin length ish, its black with waves, so if they wanna be masc they can tie it up and when its fem, they can let it down and straighten it 

forgets to eat, feed them

k this is long. As you can see I can also write a whole essay about Helen. I will write about Helen’s and Johnny friendship, along with the other creeps later. but im tired. 

[liv-iathen]

im so sick of feeling the way that i do and it just keeps getting progressively worse like i thought i felt bad 2-3 years ago but fuck i literally dont wanna do anything ever anymore i just want to sleep. I knew it was gonna get bad after my dui but i literally havent felt this bad in awhile. Even eating has felt disgusting lately i havent felt good after eating anything for the past month or two i just feel sick to my stomach. i feel like i just shouldnt or dont deserve to eat bc i feel like a shitty person but when i do feel like eating i eat so much and than feel disgusting about that afterwards and again... feel like a shitty person. i just feel like a disgusting person all of the time and its like even 2 yrs ago i would say sometimes to myself like “okaaay girl youre bomb” and now i just feel like shit all the time. even music is starting to get unsatisfying and doesnt make me feel better which is how i know im truly feeling like shit i have never felt that way before. I havent truly played any games in over a month which is also extremely unlike me. I can barely even watch tv. all ive been doing is sitting on my phone reading bullshit or ill half ass watch stuff but its hard to fully pay attention. i probably should see a therapist but ive had horrible, non personal experiences with every therapist ive had even when i was a small kid and thats why i dont feel like itll help. theyre there for a paycheck not to genuinely care about what happens to their patients because as long as theyre getting a check thats all that matters. but i guess i just have to do it again and at least try to talk to someone. I also dont want to go on medication again but maybe i should. Im mad at myself for allowing myself to become an alcoholic because i knew what i was getting myself into when i first started drinking more like actually legit told myself i will get addicted but i just didnt listen and now i know i have an issue. Im sick of feeling like im being irrational for how i feel when its literally how i feel but im also stuck thinking maybe i am really just a crazy ass bitch?? And its hard feeling stuck between those two all the time i dont know whats worth speaking up about or not. I really am just miserable and im sorry to anyone whose had to deal with me and my fucking miserable bullshit because its not fair for me to act this way all the time but i also am just so sad. Once i get health insurance WHICH IM OFFICIALLY GETTING THIS YEAR im gonna go talk to somebody. Im also sick of my shite boyfriend but ya know what ive bitched enough we’ll just save that for another day

[frunatic-fanfic]

the end of a dream ?

Hell yes, A NEW CHAPTER FINALLY

To everyone who is still reading , thank you so much ! I know it has been a while but I’ll update more frequently now. There’s no John in this chapter but he’ll be back soon, I promise <3 Enjoy and leave some feedback to keep me motivated :)

„ No it’s fine really. I dont need to talk right now or anything. I just want to take a shower and sleep and forgett about everything for a while“ While you speak these words your best friend Rony looks at you with a worried expression on her face , knowing that the Jolene shes been a friend to for over 12 years is again just trying to run away and surpress her sadness and anger just to hurt herself once again even more.

After a last minute flight from west to east coast and feeling trapped inside a plane packed with just all of the very few things you owned, you made it to New York City and got picked up at the airport by your best friend Rony who moved to new York to start a carreer as a designer here.

„ Jolene… what the hell hapened? Just talk to me for a minute. I mean… YOu called me this morning sounding like you were actually panicing and 8 hours later youre standing in my aparement, looking like Ozzy Ozbourne from the mascara dried all over your cheeks. I mean I get that you want to sleep but so do I – the thing is knowing my best friend must have gone through some insan shit to step into a plane to travel to New York so fast must be serious. Just give me a hint at least.“

You sob again and wipe away some fresh tears coming from your eyes. All you see in your head is John standing in front of you in that supermarket , mumbling, stuttering, but really – not saying anything that could help you cope with that feeling of being left, of being „not enough“  of being… just something that could  be replaced by something better anytime.

„well…it’s just… John and I broke up…“ „Wait…you mean THAT John? John Frusciante eh? The time you were at the hospital we didnt really have a lot of contact and that time was a mess here too, moving from california to NYC is hell, … Im sorry I wasnt there enough for you! But i did get your letters and well, Kevin used to listen tot he Red Hot Chili  Peppers a lot so of course that name wasnt a strange one to me. Oh man, Jolene had tu bump into a lost rockstar for sure…“ „ yeah… I wish I hadn’t…“ „Did he do anything bad to you?“ „No,…I mean Rony I… I was seriously so in love with him, the time we spent together in rehab felt like a dream. The both of us got better and the more time we spent, the more it felt like we didnt really need there bad, self destructive habbits anymore. It was unsure how our relationship would go on after our treatment there but at that point, it felt like it was sure we’d stay togehter….and…“ You start crying again as you think of John hugging you and kissing you when you first met again with Flea down at Venice Beach. „ well, through all the time I thought we could be together and I had finally found someone to be with, to look after me, someone I could be the center of his life for but….“ „Wait Jolene. Stop for a second. He is John Frusicante. And well, we all must have heard the news by now, he’s back in the band and they’ll have a big comeback later this year. I know how much you’re longing for that one person centering his life around you but I dont think that would be a healthy relationship for either the two of you and… it definitely wont be a rockstar on the rise…“ You see your tears fall onto the wooden floor of Ronys flat while hearing her words. Of course. Sure she was right. That childish naive wish of being the reason for someone being alive was just irrational and impossible to be true. Yet you had been holding on to it for so long. Maybe because for you, many times in your life you didnt feel like you wanted to be alive – you just kept on existing for other people.

 „Hey…Ill make us some ginseng tea and we’ll sit down on the couch and talk for a bit. I understand that you’re feeling a lot of pain right now. You feel left behind and like you were not worthy enough to someone you loved to let you stay the one thing with the highest priority in his life. At least you think and feel like that. But come on. You’ve learned a lot in therapy. Your habbit of seeing everything in either black and white, the fact that youre always clinging onto a person you love and never want to let them go, make your whole life depend on them like they’re god… We both know where these feelings and behaviours come from, right?

„Are you talking about that… Borderline Personality Disorder I got diagnozed with?“ „We both know. Look, I cant fully understand what ist like to be you, with that mindset of yours. I dont know what its like to feel all these waves of anxiety about being left alone and not good enough to be loved. But these things combined with that strong sense of envy you get everytime someone does not pay all their attention to you will make you unable to have a happy relationship forever. I dont know the full story, but seen from a rational point I think ist great that John joined the band again. You told me in your letters how passionate he looked when he was playing guitar. You wrote in one of your letters that it seemed like he was drifting into another dimension while playing for you. And now that man has made it to recover fully. He’s back in his band and can do what he loves the most. Isnt that something you would wish for him if you really loved him?“

 All the while Rony was speaking to you, you couldnt say anyhting. She was so right. Your head always kept messing with you. Growing up with abusive and alcoholic parents that never showed you even a little hint of love you kept searching for that love in every relationship you ever had- clinging onto your partner, manipulating him and controling him to make sure he couldn’t leave – and of course, these things would always make you end up alone.

 „Did John have the chance to say anything about this? I mean If you spent some time togehter before you all of a sudden descided to come here, he sure must have had an own point of view about the whole thing?“  „yeah… he…He tried to speak but I wouldnt let him.. I just ran..away..“

Rony facepalmed herself. „ Thats so classic you. I love you, you’re my best friend . But not giving him a chance to speak,not fair.“

It hurt to talk to Rony about all of this because it made you realize that you overreacted in an irreversible way. Looking back now, your reaction was far away from any logical, ratioanal thing to do and just a typical , impulsive and panic „solution“ to a problem that you had made out in your head.

 „We cant do much about all of this now Jolene. Im glad you descided to come here instead of doing some bad shit to yourself again. Kevin and I broke up so there’s one room free here. If you can help me with the rent you can stay as long as you want.“ „wow, i Have like no money at all at the moment“ „yeah.. you’re in new york. We’ll get you a job somehwere. We’ll get through this.“

 As you lay down in the bed Rony had prepared for you , your best friend sits down on your bed for moment again looking at you „Heads up girl. We got this.“ „ Do you….do you think John and I will ever meet again? It feels wrong seeing it end like that but…“ „He’s a rockstar. I guess you’ll just have to turn on your TV“ „Thats not what I meant…“ „I know you idiot.“ Rony laughs, but imideatly realizes that jokes are no good idea right now.

 „ I hope you can maybe meet again. But for now, let time pass. You’re in New York now and he is in California. Maybe you should give up these california dreams for now. We’ll find you a job and maybe a good therapist. And thats really all that matters now. You, being okay.“

 Before You fall asleep you keep on seeng John in your head. The shock in his eyes. Like he knew how much he’d hurt you. Looking back now,it didnt seem like he looked like he got ‚caught‘ but more like he was worried about you and how seeing his face on that magazine would make you feel. And the moment he tried to say something…you just cut him off. You didnt give hime a chance to speak…. What if.. what could have been….

 No. Give up your california dreaming for now, Jolene.

[tumblunni]

Aaaa phewf a good but scary dayyyyy

I totally forgot i was due for a meeting with the Super Rehab Center For Brain Bads. Its like this intensive boot camp version of therapy, basically? Its a shared housing accommodation where you'd have individual nurses and do lots of lessons and classes every day to work on your particular needs, while also having a bit of a shared community and helping you ykbow meet other people like you and such? So its very scary but also could be really good for me but also its a big commitment and aaaa

Anyway you might recall i talked about this like a year ago and as far as i knew it wasnt actually an opyion for me and i'd got my hopes up/got my anxieties up all fot nothing. Well recently they just suddenly called me back and gave us this short notice appointment! I didnt even khnow i was on the waiting list!!

So yeah it was Big Anxious to go to a big meeting with them again and with different people and a more intense assesment and discussion of the possibilities. But also now i was worried cos i didnt know anymore of i should be here? Like they originally booked me in for this because was in a REALLY bad place mentally last year, like never going outsode for weeks and never cleaning the house and not taking my pills and not going to dpctors appointments and i was just desperate to do ANYTHING that could get me out of this shitty town even if it meant living in an intensive therapy hospital communal dorm thing for a year. And now i've improved quite a bit so i dont know if maybe i was worrying too much and this is something too drastic? Like man is this for people with more serious problems? Am i taking away resources that could be helping someone more ill than me? And also i never even started getting anxious about the size of thecommitment last time, i was just desperate to move house and i didnt even tgink about how i have to survive a year of extra anxiety to fight my anxiety...

So anyway we had that meeting today and i was so freaked the fuck out that as we speak right now i cannot actually fully see and im mostly touch typing. I had so much of a panic attack that i hit off the damn eye twitching dizziness super symptom hell and i nearly fainted when i had to stand up at the end of the meeting and walk out the door. Like holy shit so much adrenaline burning thru my braaaaaainnnn!!! Im gonna be exhausted in a minute i bet. But i'm extra proud of myself cos my new support worker richard said that it didnt show on my face how much i was panicking, i successfully managed to keep that anxiety attack under control and finish yhe conversation with grace! And he also said its no trouble when i ask him for help and stuff cos its not just his job but a job he loves, and he was happy to spend the day this way, knowing he helped someone like me through someyhinh so important. HE'S THE FUCKIN NICEST MAN EVER

also incidentally i also learned he's a SURPRISE GRANDPA?? Like not really, i mean he's more in the older adult range, but he just dropped it casually in conversation that he's 50 and i thought he was like 28?? I mean i have prosopagnosia so i suck at recognising facial expressions but i think even normal peopke would agree he looks hella young! Thats awesome he's even more smart and experienced than i thought!! No wonder he's been so amazing at his job! And he's extra awesome for how he's a dj if he didnt grow up as surrounded by computers and stuff, yknow?

ALSO A RELATED FACT:HE JUST CASUALLY DROPPED THAT HE'S A DJ

He has a fuckin 'sound room' in his house with 'a million microphones' and he brought it up cos i was sayibg about how i wanted to learn video editing and stuff and he said he can give me a free microphone from one of his spares! Damn i need to find a way to pay him back cps he won't take actual money for it, aaaa!! And also hehelped me remember the name of that one animation software i wanted to get someday, and he offered to teach me all his Super Secrets Of Getting Free Samples And Cheatibg The Time Limit. Like man u literally work for the government are u sure u should be sayin this? XD and i didnt actually say it was lets plays but i said i wanted to practise recording my voice to show my friends in other countries and help get less anxious. And then he started talking about podcasts so man for all i know maybe he watches lets plays too! He's gonba reccommend me some educational podcasts about science abd mental health and stuff :D

So yeah it all went way better than expected and i even got an odd chance to get to know my therapist on a more personal level and get some nice help with my hobbies! Also he's the only other person i've ever met who uses Paint Shop Pro 7! A friggin 1999 art software that i still keep cos im too dumb to learn a new one aaaaa. He validated me by agreeing that its very conveinient and comparatively newbie friendly, yes! But its having incompatibility issues since windows 10 came out so aaa i know eventualky i need to learn a new thing lol

Man my sypport worker is so damn awesome and its so rare i acconplish a good thing and have a good day and dont lose to my anxiety! I jus lt wish i wasnt still experiencing the horrible side effects of that anxiety lol. Typing this up helped distract me for long enough for my vision to clear up a bit but now my headache is extreme! I hate that pills take like an hour to kick in.

Man maybe i should order a takeaway pizza or somethin?? To celebrate not fuckin up at a chance to improve my mental health! And also cos its hard to cook things when you have no functioning eyeballs!

[identitycris1s]

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:) 

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i  think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh 

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice  and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes. 

[dont-give-money-to-jkrowling]

Remus Lupin in HBP : notes

hey guys ! i am currently trying to reread the hp series, hoping to gain a better understanding of remus’ character. i started with this book bc it was physically closer to me than the other ones and i hate moving.

i will transcribe all these messy notes in a fully detailed and well explained analysis, but first i thought i would post the notes i took from the book bc they are fun and very extensive, so maybe other people can then use them for their analysis of the character ( if you do, please credit me )

warning : they are, however, not very academic. i tried not to get subjective, or at least to state the facts before to add my own reactions. also, i read the book in french so i wasn’t able to quote the book directly and also sometimes i nickname dumbledore “dumbie the meanie”

oh and also a lot of these were written late when i was half asleep so my english is probably terrible and they might not always make sense.

and finally : i swear a lot. and capitalize a lot. get ready.

- Molly mentions that he comes to visit the Weasley household

- Hermione mentions that he tried to make Tonks feel better about Sirius’ death ( including the fact that she didn’t manage to defeat Bellatrix therefore stopping her from killing him ) what a sweet and gentle bean

- first actual apparition in chapter 6 : Harry says his clothes look even more miserable than ever, that he seems too thin and depressed and that he had a lot of white hair SOMEBODY HUGS THAT CHILD

- also he talks about an ex death eater that had been killed and says « i’m surprised he survived an entire year after leaving the death eaters ; if i remember correctly regulus only lasted a few days » which shows that he knows a lot more about regulus’ death than everybody else – makes quite a lot of sense

- literally can’t stop speaking about the war and people who died and how things aren’t looking up for their side

- we see that a lot of protection spells and such are against werewolves : while most of them are scams, i wouldn’t be surprised there was a lot of silver going around at the time, which isn’t a good sign for remus’ safety and health ( mental and physical )

- draco says fenrir greyback is a friend of his family – was he possibly a friend of the blacks ? I need answers

- at hogwarts, harry says that he hoped lupin would write to him, but that he didn’t. He seems disappointed

- he spends christmas with the weasleys ! Why is no one talking about this friendship

- when harry sees him, he thinks he looks skinnier and more miserable than ever. I guess dumbledore is too busy getting harry ready to die to buy him some FREAKING FOOD

- also even on christmas eve in the middle of some bloody party he stays by himself near the fire and looks depressed, he only starts partaking in the conversation when the war is mentionned

- says dumbie the meanie sent him with the werewolves where he was unable to communicate with anyone. He also says ( will have to check in the english version ) that the werewolves are « his pears and equals » in a probably self pitying way

- harry says he seems bitter about having been asked to do this job. ( again, need original text ) but he also appears to be upset to be seen as the token werewolf here

- as soon as he realizes he sounds bitter he tries to smile and says he isn’t complaining and that it’s true that he should do this job and that it is necessary blablabla much BS

- he says other werewolves have a hard time trusting him bc he lived with wizards and they had to steal and kill to eat ( bc… you obviously look… so well fed… and privileged… )

- when harry asks him who Greyback is, he visibly tenses , but when he is the one to mention him ( talking about his mission ) he seems pretty normal

- ALSO he apparently has to see Greyback for his mission what the fork dumbie

- says greyback wants to create an army to overpower the wizarding world sounds festive and also that werewolves have a right to blood and should seek revenge on « normal people »

- seems surprinsingly open to discussing how he got bitten ? Like harry asks if it was when he was a kid and remus just roll on about what happened and his feelings good for him

- for a long time he thought the werewolf who bite him had done it by accident and felt sorry for them and apparently learnt the truth much later HOW DID YOU LEARN IT SOUNDS SO ANGSTY

- when harry says remus is normal and just has a « problem » it reminds him of james and he immediatly starts laughing his heart out this is both nice and really sad

- then starts sharing precious childhood memories and cheers up once again this is both nice and sad

- after that he jokes a bit and wow only a mention of james and his childhood made that sad lonely man so happy i want to cry

- AND MORE AND MORE CHILDHOOD MEMORIES ABOUT THE MARAUDERS

- talks a lot about james but avoids mentioning sirius even when harry tries to bring him up and doesnt even come close to talking about peter

- apparently he got a weasley sweater for christmas this is the cutest thing ever

- remus confirms once again that he isn’t speaking to anyone and probably avoids human contact as much as humanly possible this boi needs a good old therapist

- harry considers remus a patronus expert ??? chill just bc he thaught you that doesn’t mean he wrote his thesis on it

- but apparently he did bc guess who knows exactly why your patronus would change ???

- gets a bit awkward when tonks’ patronus is mentioned and is less at ease with words than usually. Also talks very slowly ( to remember when writing pining remus !! )

- hermione asks about him at hogwarts after the holidays PEOPLE CARE REMUS STOPS AVOIDING EVERYONE

- HOW COULD I FORGET TO MENTION THAT WHEN SNAPE IS MENTIONED HE IS LIKE « YA SURE HE RUINED MY LIFE AND THE ONE OF EVERY OTHER WEREWOLF IN THE COUNTRY BUT I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT HE MADE ME THIS POTION »

- also he says harry’s feelings of hate towards snape come from the old predjudice inherited from james are fucking with me 1) hate justified 2) he literally used the m slur against lily and took part in racist bullying becoming later a facist and 3) i dont really think james had the time to teach harry that snape was a bad guy do you ? #calledout

- tonks hints that remus isn’t giving her any news about, for example, whether he’s alive or not. Remus really ? Bad manners.

- when Harry looks at all the detention’s files, he says Remus’ and Peter’s names were only occasionnally associated with the ones of James and Sirius, who were much more punished. Prank example : inflating another student’s head

- so this is more about greyback than remus but he talks really freely about biting children ( which must have been joyful to hear about poor lil remus ) and other death eaters hex him ? They never hex each other ? So they probably feel pretty entitled to hexing any werewolf that come their way

- also something about this attack bothers me. Dumbledore said he asked for the order members in hogsmeade to come to defend hogwarts but why was remus here then ? And later, when he tells about the battle, he says he saw greyback but there is no mention of them fighting or something yet greyback was supposed not to know remus was a spy for the order ? What is going on here i need answers

- i think remus’ bite mark was probably somewhere on his neck bc that’s where greyback wanted to bite harry. Does remus have to wear constant turtlenecks to hide it ? Omg

- REALLY SNAPE ? When they are both fighting after he killed dumbie he wants to run off and harry calls him a coward and he answers “oh yeah well when your dad bullied me it was always four against one so ha who’s the coward now” like WOW i do not appreciate you and oh also i guess possible information about the fact that the marauders acted together against snape but it’s kind of a contradiction with snape’s own memory where it’s only sirius and remus ? Guess snape is just making things up

- at the school hospital, remus has to stay with bill, who just got attacked by greyback, and that cannot be fun

- people don’t dare to say the word werewolf around remus for some reason

- HOW DOES REMUS KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO BILL AFTER HIS HALF BITE WHAT DID HE WITNESS WHILE SPYING

- when he learns that dumbledore died, he has a complete breakdown ( well he falls to a chair and hides his face in his hands and looks really distressed ) and harry says it’s the first time he sees remus losing control of himself. People underestimate how loyal to dumbie the meanie remus was

- he justified snape for a very long time but as soon as he learns he kills dumbledore ? He goes full ‘i hate him’ mode and says he has been a death eater spy the whole time

- he also used to say snape versus marauders was just old school rivalries but now he says « um, snape hated james » so really a lot of his attitude was really influenced by dumbledore

- as he is himself completely devastated, he takes time to comfort everyone and says « nah it’s not your fault » to everyone who blames themselves

- says a death curse nearly hit him during the battle. That is not a part of his character analysis but damn

- he « recovers » pretty quickly from his breakdown. Like they say his tone is harsh but that’s all lol wish i could get over something that fast

- nah kidding he’s probably just used to all the ‘don’t let them see, don’t let them knoooow’

- MOVING ON TO THAT REMUS/TONKS SCENE I DISLIKE

- as soon as tonks opens her mouth to talk about them dating, he ‘suddenly tenses’

- OKAY WHAT THE FUCK when remus tries to say that he doesn’t want to date tonks she grabs him, yells+ at him and shakes him down ? WHAT THE HELL BACK OFF

- apparently, when having a conversation about his love life, remus loves to stare at all this beautiful floor

- apparently remus predicted that the board members would try and close off hogwarts

- at the funeral he is holding tonks’ hand

[kennothythebard]

Things I’ve learned about writing DEH characters

THIS IS NOT A GUIDE BY ANY MEANS THIS IS JUST SOME OBSERVATIONS AND THINGS I DO.

So while researching for and writing “A Worthy Explanation” (pls read i crave validation) I’ve noticed a lot of little things that I don’t always see mentioned in writing guides for these characters so I thought I’d point some of these out. Idk how love this is going to be so I’ll prolly put a cut here.

General

I like to create kind of a “loneliness chart” and graph the kids on it (looks kinda like those political alignment things). On one axis theres introverted vs. extroverted, and on the other theres like polite vs. rude I guess? But in summary: Evan is introverted polite, Jared is extroverted rude, Alana is extroverted polite, Connor is introverted rude, and Zoe... is just kinda generally lonely. Where she falls really depends on what’s going on with her (but she typically is a less extreme introverted rude than Connor).

Obviously each character has their own faults, but I often see these faults viewed quite selectively, see “cinnamon roll evan” and “fucking larry” for two very different examples of this phenomenon. Evan is not perfect and always trying to be nice, and Larry is not a super abusive parent who deserves no happiness in this life. They’re both complex and it’s hard to let go of our misconceptions to write truer to the characters (e.g. I really, Really don’t like Larry. I see him as a lousy father who just kind of chose to be “the strict one” but does nothing but criticize and dole out punishment, ignoring his kids any other time), but that’s an important part of deh, is that people aren’t always what we perceive them to be.

Evan

Evan is often viewed as like a cinnamon roll, but in act 2 especially Evan gets mean. Like, he’s dismissive and rude and angry and just a jerk. Evan can be just as bad if not worse than some of the “angrier” characters

Ppl often talk about his lying as his biggest character flaw, but I’d argue that most of the lying we see in the show just stems from the one lie which he was kinda forced to make bc he was in a bad place (i mean, thats pretty much the entire point of awe).

The character flaw that I don’t see discussed enough is that he’s ashamed of his mental illness. He’d rather pretend it’s not there, even when it impacts every part of his life. He doesn’t do the letters the way his therapist assigned them, he’s apprehensive towards medication and stops taking it, and basically feeds into his self-destructive tendencies, arguing his mother sees his as “broke” or something to be fixed.

Jared

I love writing Jared

There’s already a lot about what a complex character he is and stage directions, but one thing that most people notice is his actions frequently contradict his words. Take the sincerely me reprise at the start of act 2. Why would he try to insert himself into the narrative at this point? What good would that do at this point? When evan dismisses him he gets annoyed and defensive. He says that he can’t do anything until Monday because he’s hanging with his camp friends (whom he claims are his “real friends,” a term he will later ascribe to himself regarding Evan in Good For You), and when Evan dismisses him again he tries to offer to help with the kickstarter, but is quickly shot down once more by Evan. Despite what seems to be a natural ending place in the conversation, he insists on continuing to talk with Evan, and when Evan cuts him off again he becomes rude and slightly threatening. This happens over the course of maybe three minutes and it’s one of the most insightful scenes to jared’s character

When writing a canon-compliant Jared, his actions and thoughts should conflict with his words. He cares about Evan but he’d never say that out loud (in more canon-compliant fics), and it hurts when he’s pushed away, which he responds to with anger.

Zoe

Zoe is one of the most difficult characters to write, imo.

She’s often portrayed in a slightly sweeter, saccharine way in fanon as just like a fun, silly girl who is just a tad sarcastic, but really you can tell that she’s Connor’s brother. She’s angry, blunt, unafraid of speaking her mind, etc. Yes, she is funny and kinda sarcastic, but her sarcasm isn’t always of the funny variety. She’s obviously angry at her parents, but this often comes across as a “doesn’t love them” variety of anger when her real feelings seem to be much more complex. 

Basically, I’m still learning a lot about writing her but I think just like the other kids she’s a little lonely, so Evan comes along and he’s there and that’s enough for her. She has such a wide range of emotions that I don’t feel are always accurately represented, even by me. (especially by me)

Alana

Hella, hella lonely. Covers it up by talking to people and doing extracurriculars. Sure, “college apps” is her excuse for why she does so much, but it’s not the real reason. If she keeps busy, she doesn’t have to be alone with her thoughts. But at the same time she has similar fears to Evan about people seeing the worst of her. “Close acquaintances” seems to be a statement about how little she makes friends, but I also see it as a defense mechanism. If she remains “close acquaintances” with people, she’ll never have to be their friend and they’ll never have to see the worst of her.

She’s cheerful and annoying, but in the way that pisses high schoolers off. Like, we all knew that one kid who was just way way too nice, and most of us were like “yeah ok they’re pretty cool i guess” but like some people just hated their positivity. It also doesn’t help that she tries to insert herself in situations she hasn’t been invited in, and does some questionable things to help her accomplish her goals. (Evan/Alana contrast: Evan does questionable things to accomplish internal goals, Alana does them to accomplish external goals)

Gets easily distracted. Forgets to sign Evan’s cast in scene 1. Her mind has a million different thoughts at any given moment. It wouldn’t be out of line to headcanon ADHD Alana (some of the things she does reminds me of the things I do when I forget my meds).

Connor

?????

We don’t see a lot to really get a huge insight into his personality. We know he was angry and had some serious mental illness.

We also know that he could recognize when he went too far and would go out of his way to make amends. (Why was he in the computer lab? Why did he sign Evan’s cast?) He may recognize a kindred spirit in Evan.

Clearly he doesnt hate his family (he goes to school despite not wanting to go, and seeing Zoe’s name is what sets him off showing possible concern), and it would not surprise me to learn that he thought his family would be better and happier without him. He clearly has intense emotions and reactions even to things that might seem minuscule or inconsequential. When writing him in canon, I think of a rubber band stretched too tight, and any characters action could loosen or tighten the pulling.

Heidi

Such an emotional character, I nearly break my own heart when I’m trying to writer her.

Theres two odd kind of paradoxes in a parent-child relationship like that between Heidi and Evan. For Heidi, the paradox is that the more she wants to do for Evan, the less she can actually be there for him. For Evan, he wants his mother to succeed and loves her so much that he might even encourage her to not worry about him or spend time with him, but then resents that she’s never there. Or at least when he meets a mother who can provide and be there.

Heidi pretty much worries herself sick over Evan. Evan comes before everything else in her life, and so it’s easy for her to feel like she failed him, which is a huge reason for her intense reaction in Good for you: evan has just confirmed her fears that she’s failed him.

Heidi tries so hard, but she isn’t perfect. She’s clearly very sensitive about money or about Evan’s father, and this sensitivity can easily change to anger or passive-aggressiveness. She has deep insecurities that we may never see or fully comprehend.

Cynthia

Mom. like shes completely a mom. like, “can i speak to your manager?” type mom.

Loves her kids and tries to be supportive but struggles communicating with two very headstrong, sarcastic kids

she probably wouldn’t say this, but takes connor’s death very personally. wonders why he would do this to her 

Is desperate for her children to listen and understand her. Which Evan is more than willing to do.

A little bit selfish? Like, thinks about what will make her better rather than accepting everybody grieves differently

Larry

Fucking larry. I don’t like him and he’s the hardest character for me to write.

Ok since I made such a big deal about it in the intro i’ll try to be nicer than id normally be

A masculine archetype. Sports dad, wants sports son, which Connor isn’t

He’s got some really ableist/misogynistic tendencies that causes the intense demonization of him in the fanon but I mean... he could be worse i guess? (that’s literally the best i can say about that so yeah i dont like him at all)

Really just oblivious. Completely ignored Connor’s need for help, does not know how to read a room, you could say he frequently has a foot in his mouth if it weren’t so intentional.

I mean...probably a good guy if you can get past all that stuff? just really, really self absorbed.

yikes that was long. Again, not really a guide, just some things I think about when writing these characters. if you read this far at all thank you for indulging me this much.

[ifonlyiwaswanted]

AM I GOING INSANE? Please read

Mess? mess is untidiness. the sort of thing that gets you feeling that inner pain of self hatred and low self esteem. its every time that you look at yourself. its every time that you go to sleep. when you shut your eyes, do a daily task or even breath its there like she kind of heavy weight pushing against your head and it won't go away its not easy to forget. of course you can forget you just have to get drunk or take something to drift the thoughts away. drugs. have you ever thought about it? i know i have, to escape what you feel. thats the thing. because if something hurts physically you rest it, more than the average recommended amount because time with rest will heal it. But mentally? we like to do the same. lock ourselves in out rooms. close the curtains. sleep, sleep and sleep. Never cures us though.Never can we escape it. We surround ourselves with positive vibes but thats only a temporary healer, you’re never fully okay, it catches up on you. we could also try and avoid time to think. Thinking is bad for people like me. It gives me time to think about the negative impact I'm having on my own life. i can't run from myself and certainly not my own thoughts. its just a mess. like the sort of mess on the floor. the clothes are creased and crumpled, a bit like me, maybe you? but i know that a mess like this can be ironed out you see. though I'm not sure about myself. MY therapist told me i should wright down the thoughts i have. right know I'm in a state of anxiety where i cannot give myself time to think without doing something. so typing is helping i guess. but I'm sat here, and I'm thinking, analysing every aspect of my life and it all boils down to mess. my rooms a mess, college is a mess, my career is a mess, I'm a mess and the damage i have caused to my own life is genuinely cannot be undone. it breaks my heart that i could be so stupid to do this to myself however i cannot escape it. i hate myself, more than words on this paper could ever explain. i hate looking at myself. i avoid good mirrors because they show me the worst of every imperfection that lays on my skin. do you do the same? do you get that anger within your chest where you feel like you can't breath. that one where you just want to shred yourself to pieces? me too. I'm the worst person in this whole entire world. i make the worst decisions thinking they are the best and then physically and mentally beat myself up over it for years after. I’m one that says that self harm is never the answer after self harming for years. although i know it is bad, i know at the time it can help. but the reason i don't self harm isn't because I'm not as bad as i was before, its not because i don't see a purpose in it, its because feel that not even hurtling myself will get rid or relieve how i feel. only killing myself would. not that i am going to do that, its just a thought that constantly crosses my mind. what i find hard, is accepting someone doing it because i don't know how they feel, or think and that goes for any human on this planet. i cannot control how anyone is. i cannot control illness or soul destroying thoughts or actions. illness. i hate that my problems are invisible in a way. i hate that i cope so well. i wish people could see or feel what its life to walk around every day feeling like this but with physical pain and tiredness on the list too. i want to tell people when I've over done it or if i don't feel right but i feel so stupid for speaking up that i just don't anymore. i don't know what to do with myself. so i just try not to think. thinking creates bad situations but no matter how hard try to get away from myself i just can't which takes me right back to suicide again. why dont i do it? i know deep down I'm worth more. but I'm only worth more if i find myself. its like being a bag that contains diamonds but without diamonds. I'm not worth anything if I'm just the bag. everything within my life is out of my control, the only thing i feel in control of is my weight. however my illness partially controls that. i thought i was over that. but clearly I'm not. i try to be better than that but i can't do it. i guess you could say that i am weak, but thats the thing there is no strong part of me left apart from the fake me. I'm trying so hard to keep myself busy and out of the house doing things but i cannot juggle everything anymore. i can't love myself anymore. but anyways, when my illness makes me feel low the weight drops off of me, and the other week i looked at myself in the mirror and through well maybe i can make myself skinnier? so i did. and i looked at myself a week later and i was skinnier. but I'm not skinny. every time i look at myself i see a new layer of fat somewhere. something that makes me despise of myself that little bit more. enough to push me over the edge to throwing up and starving myself again. i crave to be that person in my head, the one i compare myself to. i will be that person. truth be told I'm unhappy, so happy but i keep faking my whole life in every aspect to keep tugging myself along. and i will die this way, not by suicide but i will be so exhausted that one day, my body will give up on me and everything i put it through. I'm sorry for that day.