#maybe derealization

[reduceduranium]

Dude I'm kinda panicking and am not sure what to do.

Tw(?): might be delusional? Idk what to think of this and am just looking for advice.

Okay, so I don't know what to do.

People have been harder for me to trust, when logically, I have no reason to not trust them.

But on the other hand, people I know have been kinda telling me info that I keep to just specific friends or even just stuff that I keep to myself.

Ex: talking to my mom, and she told me something THAT I JUST told to a friend. Like haven't told to anyone before then. Like my stuff was being monitored.

The issue is I KNIW that's not possible cause my mom barely knows how to use a computer.

Also I've really been wanting to wreck my image and how I'm viewed, as well as getting a bunch of intrusive thoughts based around that, manipulating ppl, or just straight up them hurting me or me hurting them. It's weird and it sucks.

Partially unrelated to this a server I was in was recently deleted. (which is sad. Cause I absolutely loved the server, not saying what the server was for, for privacy reasons, close friends and/or ppl who were on it might know.) And it turns out they kinda didn't trust me, which really sucks cause I loved them. But I do understand and don't blame them, there was a lot going on. The issue is, cause of this ig paranoia I've been dealing with around reality or w/e is that I've been trying to go out of my way to act more real, and even I notice how cringe and fake that attempt to act normal/real is. So idk that may be part of the reason they didn't fully trust me.

And once again, this also kinda contributes to the whole idea of everything (reality and stuff) exists only in my head. Maybe everything's just crashing like sensory overload, or not having any storage left, lmao. I dunno I just need help

[the-meme-monarch]

REJOICE transgenderism be upon ye (these are folded up like paper airplanes and I’m throwing them and nailing you in the head with each of them)

first one is based loosely on this comic ! (loosely as in i only vaguely remembered it when i drew it and hunted it down after)

last one is based loosely on this video ! (loosely as in it Has To Do with dr worm by tmbg and being trans)

[selfawarescreen]

[kadextra]

Ok back into qsmp lore thoughts. today really was the perfect final catalyst for q!Bad to completely snap, it felt so targeted to him tbh. watch the vod if you haven’t

His mental break has been building up for weeks as we all know, from the losing his kids and 5 stages of grief turning grey, to him getting harmed by soul vultures and bleeding blue from the open wounds. his kids’ accessories being taken from their beds and burned in lava. him kidnapping and torturing a worker but then developing a twisted lima syndrome family relationship with them.

talking to photos of the eggs like they are really here, being put in jail. having his house get broken into, as his trust issues plummet even further into the gutter. finding out the federation is making reports about him and might come after him for the kidnapping. doing insane manipulation tests on his friends to find the secret federation spy, and actively burning bridges with them. reveal that he’s not been sleeping for 3 weeks.

And then today he meets codeflippa, being completely convinced that it’s the real flippa and arguing with the others because he���s so desperate for anything about the eggs. then suddenly finding dapper’s top hat in the maze. being singled out by an entity (cucurevil?) to get ticket #0003, now being forced to wonder if he was an original island resident and got his memories tampered with. q!max insisting the eggs are dead, and q!pierre implying there’s hidden cameras set up in his house didn’t help either

Like, god. buckets of salt just got poured in the wounds he’s been already dealing with in the span of a couple hours... of course it would all finally explode and cause a mental breakdown. this poor cubito got severely paranoid & disassociated from reality + his own memories and it was terrifying to watch his madness spiral in the last hour or so of stream. q!bad really needs help, but it’s only gonna get worse from here I fear…

[avpdpossum]

this tiktok is so funny to me as someone whose primary mental health struggles are avpd and dissociation.

“mental illness is what happens when you’re the person who breaks the generational avoidance of pain and emotions” bestie my mental illnesses are must avoid everything disorder and nothing feels real disorder. if this was supposed to make me better at confronting and dealing with pain, it failed miserably.

like yeah, true, mental illness is often a result of generations of pain being passed down, but it’s less in a “we are the spiritual leaders chosen to break this generational curse” way and more in a “my parents treated me like shit because it was all they knew and it fundamentally changed the way my brains works” way (sometimes with a side of “my family’s brains all work differently in a way that i inherited because there’s some genetic component to it”).

dealing with generational pain and breaking my family’s cycle of avoidance isn’t something that i was ~born to do~; my mental illnesses don’t make me somehow uniquely suited to that task. it’s actually something that’s infinitely harder for me to do because of the ways my mind has been affected by those things, but which i have to do anyway because i’m too aware of it now to just let it continue unchallenged.

but sure, his version works too…as long as you pretend that mood and anxiety disorders are the only mental illnesses.

[eroticlamb]

realization

[unorcadox]

proof of impending doom / proof you’ll be ok!

[zebratimw]

Spirit animal SQH

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

yk, its weird being Way Too Aware & In Control of yourself bc technically i believe im having a panic attack. but somehow i am Very Unbothered by this, bc i know whats happening and its illogical. my body's having an overreaction and i couldn't be fucked to join in

[ghost-format]

Not to be confused with the anxiety creature,

This is when you look in a mirror, it’s reflection isn’t working, and you think to yourself “the fuck?”

Or when the world around you just ain’t feeling real

This is my derealization, or TF? creature

[diino8081]

rgb wolf quest stream

losing my mind

actually lost

like where the fuck even am i anymore

all i know is piss and tron

[saltydoesstuff]

Y'all ever just not feel real?

Like you're there, but not there. You feel things, but you aren't. It all feels the same, which is nothing- or it's too fuzzy to tell any difference? You see yourself, but it's not you. You don't recognize yourself in the mirror, you don't know who that is, but it isn't you. You don't know what you look like, but it isn't what is in the mirror.

I want to do things, but I can't. And I don't know why.

I don't like these days.

[bunnihearted]

funny that therapists whose job it is to listen to u are the WORST listeners in society lmaooooooo. they dont hear a single word u say. they genuinely dont care abt what u say at all, they're just gnna take what theyve read in some textbook and apply it on to u. whatever u say you're not a person speaking words, your just a box filled with their judgements and pre constructed notions abt whatever diagnosis theyve assigned to u. therapists and psychiatrists are the most useless and incompetent ppl in society lmao. such a fkn joke it's insane how theyre even allowed to get paid for the shit quality job they perform ._.

[tikoaztite]

[chiprewington]

nevermind, everything's ok

[blindsighted]

Mourning Dove

A storm was brewing far in the distance. Thunder rolled in the valley, still twenty miles out. Grey clouds set back the sunrise by an hour, and young Kakashi wakes all alone in his father's bed. He shivers. It feels empty in the house. He grips the covers tight just under his eyes, wide awake and alert.

pit pat

The first drops of rain fall against the glass in large splatters. It's going to be a big one. Kakashi shivers.

A low rumble creeps ever closer; ten miles out, and Kakashi sits up all at once, just in time for a bright flash of lightning to illuminate the still and shadowy space around him. It looks like his home, but with the color washed out. His eyes are round with large black pupils that disappear into a dark iris. They scan from left to right, searching for what is missing.

Another droll of thunder lifts him to his feet. They hit the wood grain with a soft slap and the cold jolts him a little more awake. His heart thud thud thuds against his chest and he swallows a dry lump to try and keep it from leaping out.

Something is wrong.

The smell of iron clings to the electricity in the air and Kakashi shifts one foot forward, then the next. His eyes stare wide and fixed across the hall and into the living room, where an unfamiliar dark stain just broaches the edge of the doorframe.

His feet carry him, one shuffling step after the other, closer and closer, until he's standing in the doorway. He can't make out the identity of that shadowy lump, so he steps closer...

A flash of lightning and a sharp bang shatters the darkness, and in that instant, Kakashi's world falls to pieces.

A fragile breath shakes loose from his constricting throat, but the boy doesn't move. His heart is frozen. It stabs through his chest and sends waves of ice and fire through his veins, till Kakashi can no longer stand. His knees give out and he collapses there behind his father's slumped over shape.

A timid hand reaches for him, the unfamiliar hand of a child, and when it touches his shoulder, he feels the solid touch of ice, far removed from the once warm and comforting presence of the man he'd known. The hand pulls back and disappears, and Kakashi sits still. Everything has stopped.

He exists here, and nowhere, for the person he was before has died. In his place, emptiness lives on.