#maybe derealization

[reduceduranium]

Dude I'm kinda panicking and am not sure what to do.

Tw(?): might be delusional? Idk what to think of this and am just looking for advice.

Okay, so I don't know what to do.

People have been harder for me to trust, when logically, I have no reason to not trust them.

But on the other hand, people I know have been kinda telling me info that I keep to just specific friends or even just stuff that I keep to myself.

Ex: talking to my mom, and she told me something THAT I JUST told to a friend. Like haven't told to anyone before then. Like my stuff was being monitored.

The issue is I KNIW that's not possible cause my mom barely knows how to use a computer.

Also I've really been wanting to wreck my image and how I'm viewed, as well as getting a bunch of intrusive thoughts based around that, manipulating ppl, or just straight up them hurting me or me hurting them. It's weird and it sucks.

Partially unrelated to this a server I was in was recently deleted. (which is sad. Cause I absolutely loved the server, not saying what the server was for, for privacy reasons, close friends and/or ppl who were on it might know.) And it turns out they kinda didn't trust me, which really sucks cause I loved them. But I do understand and don't blame them, there was a lot going on. The issue is, cause of this ig paranoia I've been dealing with around reality or w/e is that I've been trying to go out of my way to act more real, and even I notice how cringe and fake that attempt to act normal/real is. So idk that may be part of the reason they didn't fully trust me.

And once again, this also kinda contributes to the whole idea of everything (reality and stuff) exists only in my head. Maybe everything's just crashing like sensory overload, or not having any storage left, lmao. I dunno I just need help

[the-meme-monarch]

REJOICE transgenderism be upon ye (these are folded up like paper airplanes and I’m throwing them and nailing you in the head with each of them)

first one is based loosely on this comic ! (loosely as in i only vaguely remembered it when i drew it and hunted it down after)

last one is based loosely on this video ! (loosely as in it Has To Do with dr worm by tmbg and being trans)

[selfawarescreen]

[bloos-bloo]

⚠️ WARNING- PART TWO DOES SHOW EXTREME VIOLENCE/ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR- Be safe! <3

Painted Faces pt. 2

Part 1

-

AAAAA ITS DONE- I HAD to draw out the conversation Emery and Shamura had before they were cracked- Isn’t Emery so healthy and not crazy??

Litttlleee fun fact- Shamura did have pupils :) they were blown out when their skull nearly got caved in- Soooo that 100 yard stare? It’s a real 100 yard stare.

Btw- I did want to reiterate that ToyBox is going to be a bit darker compared to my other AU. There’ll be recurring themes of violence, derealization, and abuse. So please, if any of that triggers you- I suggest looking at my other stuff <3

[triglycercule]

killer being like "yeah i know every single little thing about horror and dust" (because he watches them as a part time hobby (freak) (find something better to do)) and then he acts surprised when they do something that he wouldnt expect them to do in his little predetermined absolutely perfect concept of them

like what do you MEAN horror licks spoons clean when he's using them so he doesn't have to get a completely different one for the main course and the dessert. what do you MEAN dust has a lisp even though he speaks fluently and uses even more complex words than killer himself. horror knows how to sew and he often patches up their things without either of them noticing?? dust always wears oversized and clothes that cover him up just because he finds it comfy?? what??? out ra geous???? these guys have small little quirks to them that killer doesn't already know about???? killer immediately wants to know more. so he can expand his internal profile of them of course. not for any other more endearing and sweet reason. not at all,,,,,,,, (:3)

[kadextra]

Ok back into qsmp lore thoughts. today really was the perfect final catalyst for q!Bad to completely snap, it felt so targeted to him tbh. watch the vod if you haven’t

His mental break has been building up for weeks as we all know, from the losing his kids and 5 stages of grief turning grey, to him getting harmed by soul vultures and bleeding blue from the open wounds. his kids’ accessories being taken from their beds and burned in lava. him kidnapping and torturing a worker but then developing a twisted lima syndrome family relationship with them.

talking to photos of the eggs like they are really here, being put in jail. having his house get broken into, as his trust issues plummet even further into the gutter. finding out the federation is making reports about him and might come after him for the kidnapping. doing insane manipulation tests on his friends to find the secret federation spy, and actively burning bridges with them. reveal that he’s not been sleeping for 3 weeks.

And then today he meets codeflippa, being completely convinced that it’s the real flippa and arguing with the others because he’s so desperate for anything about the eggs. then suddenly finding dapper’s top hat in the maze. being singled out by an entity (cucurevil?) to get ticket #0003, now being forced to wonder if he was an original island resident and got his memories tampered with. q!max insisting the eggs are dead, and q!pierre implying there’s hidden cameras set up in his house didn’t help either

Like, god. buckets of salt just got poured in the wounds he’s been already dealing with in the span of a couple hours... of course it would all finally explode and cause a mental breakdown. this poor cubito got severely paranoid & disassociated from reality + his own memories and it was terrifying to watch his madness spiral in the last hour or so of stream. q!bad really needs help, but it’s only gonna get worse from here I fear…

[eroticlamb]

realization

[avpdpossum]

this tiktok is so funny to me as someone whose primary mental health struggles are avpd and dissociation.

“mental illness is what happens when you’re the person who breaks the generational avoidance of pain and emotions” bestie my mental illnesses are must avoid everything disorder and nothing feels real disorder. if this was supposed to make me better at confronting and dealing with pain, it failed miserably.

like yeah, true, mental illness is often a result of generations of pain being passed down, but it’s less in a “we are the spiritual leaders chosen to break this generational curse” way and more in a “my parents treated me like shit because it was all they knew and it fundamentally changed the way my brains works” way (sometimes with a side of “my family’s brains all work differently in a way that i inherited because there’s some genetic component to it”).

dealing with generational pain and breaking my family’s cycle of avoidance isn’t something that i was ~born to do~; my mental illnesses don’t make me somehow uniquely suited to that task. it’s actually something that’s infinitely harder for me to do because of the ways my mind has been affected by those things, but which i have to do anyway because i’m too aware of it now to just let it continue unchallenged.

but sure, his version works too…as long as you pretend that mood and anxiety disorders are the only mental illnesses.

[zebratimw]

Spirit animal SQH

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

yk, its weird being Way Too Aware & In Control of yourself bc technically i believe im having a panic attack. but somehow i am Very Unbothered by this, bc i know whats happening and its illogical. my body's having an overreaction and i couldn't be fucked to join in

[okaydays22]

[ghost-format]

Not to be confused with the anxiety creature,

This is when you look in a mirror, it’s reflection isn’t working, and you think to yourself “the fuck?”

Or when the world around you just ain’t feeling real

This is my derealization, or TF? creature

[diino8081]

rgb wolf quest stream

losing my mind

actually lost

like where the fuck even am i anymore

all i know is piss and tron

[saltydoesstuff]

Y'all ever just not feel real?

Like you're there, but not there. You feel things, but you aren't. It all feels the same, which is nothing- or it's too fuzzy to tell any difference? You see yourself, but it's not you. You don't recognize yourself in the mirror, you don't know who that is, but it isn't you. You don't know what you look like, but it isn't what is in the mirror.

I want to do things, but I can't. And I don't know why.

I don't like these days.

[lemon-ghostea]

do other people even exist?

[tikoaztite]