#maybe an old friend still thinks about you or a coworker wishing you well

[sescoups]

favorite coworker - choi vernon

masterlist

word count: ~5.3k (i'm so sorry)

summary: vernon is your favorite. he just gets you. of course you can't resist him - not that you would ever want to.

a/n: this is definitely NOT proofread, and i'm sorry. idk i just have the fattest crush on vernon, honestly i can't be held accountable

18+, MDNI!!! warnings under the cut <3

warnings: oral (m. receiving), making out, creepy old man (he doesn't do anything, he's just a creep), mention of vomit, lmk if i missed anything! <3

“Wait so hang on, you mean to tell me you’ve never what..? Gone down on a guy?”

“Oh yell it out, why don’t you,” you groan, smacking your forehead into the counter. Thank fuck you just cleaned it.

Vernon is your coworker at the record store in the middle of the city. He’s super chill, does what he’s supposed to but doesn’t stress out or get pissy if you’re having a bad day and work slowly. He’s great. He’s just… a bit unaware of his surroundings, a lot of the time. You’re lucky only two people are in the store at the moment, or you would have simply passed away.

“Sorry, sorry,” he says, holding up his hands in a gesture of peace. “I just kinda can’t believe it? I mean, you’ve had sex for sure, right?”

“Yes, Vernon.” You roll your eyes and glare at an old man who is shamelessly looking you up and down. “I’ve had sex before. Just not a lot, I guess. And why is it so hard to believe?”

Had he been looking at your face, your raised eyebrow might have tipped him off to the fact that he should drop the topic and back off. Unfortunately, in typical Vernon fashion, he was doodling nonsense on a notepad, so he missed it completely.

“Well I mean, you’re hot,” he said before finally looking up at you. He started tapping his pen against the counter, leaning his weight on one hand against the counter. “You’re also pretty open about your life in general, so I just figured two plus two equals one, you know.”

“What the fu- Vernon. Think about what you just said.”

“Oh fuck. Yeah I deserved to fail math in high school.”

You burst into laughter at his words. This is exactly why you love Vernon, and why he’s your favorite coworker. You’re laughing so hard you barely manage to greet the new customer who just entered the store. Your coworker is smiling, satisfied with his ability to make you laugh.

The old man who is still eyeing you, now with extra focus on your boobs, comes up to the register just as you manage to sober up from your laughing fit. You clear your throat and turn to face him, giving him a tiny smile in the spirit of customer service. Apparently a mistake.

“Excuse me, sweetheart,” he starts, running his tongue over his front teeth in what you suspect is supposed to be a seduction attempt. “Would you mind maybe showing me some of the records you have in the back?”

The smile leaves your face immediately, and you’re about to absolutely emaciate him when Vernon cuts in to make sure you do not lose your job over some smarmy geezer.

“She cannot, sir. It’s store policy. Soz.”

You hold your snort in, but barely. The old man huffs and glares at the man next to you, crossing his arms over his chest. Honestly, you’re curious at this point. You’ve never seen Vernon handle confrontation - again, very chill dude - but you also know he is very protective over his friends.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” the old man says with an eye roll. “I was talking to the pretty young lady.”

His smile sends a shiver down your spine, and you take a deep breath. The old man watches your boobs rise and fall. Seriously, fuck this guy. You force the customer service smile back on your face because you actually really like and need this job, and decide this sack of shit isn’t worth it.

“He’s right, sir. It’s against store policy, and I’m currently on register duty. If there is a specific record you wish to see, we can look it up in the system.”

“I’ll keep looking for a while… in case you change your mind.”

The way he winks at you makes your blood boil, and it’s a wonder your teeth don’t crack from the pressure of your jaw. The man walks away, and so does Vernon. He can’t really kick the guy out unless he does something physical, so you don’t know what he’s trying to do. Soon, though, your confusion melts into amusement and glee as you watch your coworker follow the man around the store, loudly dissing his music taste whenever he picks up a record. He keeps walking just a little bit too close for comfort, and after about three minutes, the man gives up.

You take huge pleasure in the way the man skulks out, hands in his pockets and back hunched over as if he’s trying to get away from something - or someone. Returning to the register, Vernon grins to himself and resumes his doodling without a word. You shake your head in amazement before going to help the other two customers in the store.

The next time you’re working with Vernon, you have the closing shift. Usually only one person is supposed to stay back after closing and clean up, but you just received a large shipment of vinyls that need to be sorted and placed into protective sleeves, so the two of you are working overtime together.

It’s a pretty slow shift, and the two of you pass the time by playing music for one another and guessing the artist and the title. You’re much better at it than he is, but only because you’re good at memorizing things; he has a far more varied music taste than you, and would easily have won had he remembered more than two song names and five artists. As per the terms of the game, the loser has to go out to get the dinner you preordered from a restaurant down the street. It’s not far, but it’s raining, so you’re glad to be exempt.

While your colleague is gone, you close out the register and sweep the floor so you only have the vinyl sorting left after you’ve eaten. The break room smells like wet dog and Doritos, so you bring two chairs out together with the foldable table that you’re going to use to sort the vinyls. Since no one is in the store anyway, you can people watch through the windows while you eat.

Vernon comes back in just as you finish setting up, soaking wet from the pouring rain. You coo at him when he shivers, and he shoots you a playful glare. He ends up holding his glare for all of two seconds before a wide smile stretches across his face.

“I left an extra shirt here at some point, do you think it smells like teenage boy?”

You escape the break room with two plates and some utensils in hand, laughing at his question and probably unfortunate fate.

“Because of the proximity to the break room? Probably. That shit is unavoidable.”

He grimaces before taking his jacket off, hanging it on a hook behind the register. He disappears to change while you plate the food, humming to yourself. You try not to think about how he’s probably half naked right now, and turn your attention to the fact that he most likely will smell atrocious to keep your head on straight.

You do love Vernon. He’s a great coworker, obviously, and he’s a great friend too, but that’s not really the full extent of it. You’ve been battling your crush on him for months now, because it’s pretty clear that he isn’t interested in you. Besides, if you ever did date, things would get awkward at work if you broke up. No, he is one of those people who should stay firmly at arm’s length. Unfortunately.

Your thoughts are interrupted by a loud bang, making you jump a good foot in the air.

“What the fuck, Nonnie?”

“Sorry,” he grimaces, checking that the door he managed to fling directly into the wall hadn’t done any damage. “I tripped.”

“Only you, Vern,” you sigh. “Well, food is ready to go. Let’s eat!”

The meal, consisting of some kimchi jjigae, rice and side salad, passes by in relative silence. You occasionally hum in content, and Vernon often slurps his jjigae really loudly which prompts you to giggle. He always looks glad to have amused you, and you need to look away often in order to control your emotions.

“Dude,” he groans after his third serving, “I’m so fucking full.”

“I’m not the one who got an order for five people, genius,” you groan back, your own stomach feeling like a water balloon. “So good though.”

“So good,” he nods earnestly.

You can’t stand to look at him like this; you need something to do with your hands. So you stand up and stretch, which actually does help the food settle in your stomach a bit. Your hair, tied in a bun to avoid getting any food in it, comes down to release some of the pressure on your scalp, and then you feel ready to get started.

“Take all the time you need, man, but I’m gonna start on the first box. I want to get home before dawn, if I can.”

He flashes you a thumbs up and slumps against the table to enter into a food coma. You scoff at him and shake your head before clearing the dishes from the table. Thank God you have a dishwasher in the break room.

You bring out the first box and start sorting it, referencing the list you have as you go to take inventory. It’s repetitive work, but it’s kind of soothing, too. You do your best to make the plastic of the vinyl coverings crinkle as little as possible, wanting Vernon to rest for as long as he needs to. Three servings of kimchi jjigae would make anyone drowsy.

The first sign that he is still alive comes ten minutes later when he starts drumming a random rhythm on the table. You snort when you recognize the rhythm, pausing with a vinyl halfway into its covering.

“You can’t drum the melody to Dun Dun Dance, Vernon.”

“I can do whatever I want,” he protests weakly, cheek still pressed firmly against the table surface. “But nicely done. What about this one?” He drums out another rhythm, and now that you know it’s a melody he’s following, you recognize it quicker.

“That’s Candy by H.O.T.”

“Nice.”

“You gonna work or rest, bud?”

Vernon whines at your words and rolls his head to rest his forehead against the table instead. You wait patiently as he gathers the strength to sit up properly and kick a box of vinyls over to him when he seems more alive.

“Life isn’t fair,” he pouts, “I just did so much work eating all that food, and now I gotta do more?”

“It’s like that,” you agree absentmindedly, marking off a stack of vinyls on your list. “Can you turn on some music, please? The silence is creepy.”

He nods and connects his phone to the store speakers, choosing the playlist the two of you created together on a similar night of overtime. After that, the two of you slip into a rhythm together, unpacking vinyls, checking the list, and then putting them into a protective sleeve. It’s mostly silent aside from the music, and sometimes Vernon drums along to the beat on the table, but it’s comfortable. You kind of don’t mind spending a few hours like this.

When you’re two thirds through the stack of boxes, you both decide to take a break. Your saint of a colleague brews some coffee, and you hop onto the checkout counter to browse through your phone while your brain cells take a well-deserved rest.

“Bless you,” you say as you accept a mug full of coffee. “We’re making pretty good time today, eh?”

“Yeah,” he agrees, taking a sip and wincing at the scalding temperature. “We haven’t really been talking, so.”

“That jjigae really took you out, huh?”

“Oh yeah.”

You grin at him and blow gently over your coffee. It’s still too hot to drink, as evidenced by the steam rising from it, but the smell alone is kind of waking you up. Vernon grabs your attention by clearing his throat gently, and you turn to look at him. He’s fidgeting a bit with a pen left on the counter close to your thigh.

“I, uh… I wanted to say I’m sorry about that dude the other day. The creepy one. I probably should have kicked him out, but I didn’t know if I could…”

Your heart melted a little in your chest. It was obvious he had been carrying this around with him, mulling it over and worrying about it. About you. It was endearing, and dangerous for your heart. You bit your lip and placed your coffee mug on the counter next to you.

“It’s okay,” you say earnestly. “He sucked, and I was uncomfortable, but you still made him leave. I didn’t feel like I was in danger or anything, so don’t worry about it.”

“I just feel like it’s partially my fault, for kind of yelling about the fact that you’ve never sucked a dick before.” You’re incredibly grateful that you weren’t drinking coffee at that moment, because you definitely would have spat it out all over the floor. His bluntness never ceased to surprise you. It was unbearably adorable. “I should be more aware of my surroundings, especially when talking about something sensitive like that.”

“Well,” you start, pausing thoughtfully. “I don’t really think that man would have acted differently either way, to be honest with you. Men like that are just… like that. I also don’t really care who knows I’ve never given a blowjob before. It doesn’t matter, at the end of the day. I haven’t done it because I haven’t slept with anyone who’s dick I wanted to suck, and that’s all. I just wish I knew how sometimes, you know?”

He shuffles his weight around at your words, shifting from foot to foot. He’s still fumbling with the pen on the counter, but now his fingers are clumsier than usual. You glance up at his face only to find him staring into empty space in front of him. You figure you made him uncomfortable with your oversharing.

“Sorry. That was TMI.”

“No,” he answers quickly. “We share everything. I told you when I threw up on Seungkwan’s lap and cried because I felt bad, didn’t I?” You smile at the reminder and nod. He finally meets your eyes again. “I was just thinking, you know.”

“What about?”

Vernon’s mind is the most fascinating thing to you. The way he thinks is so out of the box and different, and so beautiful. He has shown you the lyrics he writes for his friend Jihoon sometimes, and they’re so poetic you find yourself turning them over in your mind for days afterward. And the best part about it is that he always answers you when you ask what’s going on inside his head. He grants you access to his thoughts and feelings, and it’s the greatest gift you’ve ever received.

“Well. I don’t know if this is going to come off as creepy or not,” he warns, “but I was thinking like… Maybe you should just get it over with.”

“Get what over with?” Your eyebrow rises as you ask the question, and his furrow in response.

“I just mean that you could know how to give a good blowjob, if you wanted to. You could just… pick someone to sleep with. And ask them to teach you. You know?”

“Nonnie,” you start, and your bewildered tone makes him shrink a little. “You really believe the best of people, don’t you?”

“Well- I mean yes, but I didn't mean you should just sleep with anyone. You could just pick someone you already know.”

His words give you pause. You have plenty of friends in possession of a penis, but the thought of sleeping with most of them feels kinda gross. The one exception is… Well, Vernon. And you sincerely doubt that he is offering himself up. So you do what you always do and make a joke to force your mind away from the thought of sucking on your friend’s dick until he cums for you.

“What, are you offering?”

“I mean, yeah,” he shrugs.

You stop breathing. He is actually, genuinely offering to teach you how to suck dick. More specifically, his dick. The one that has been the star of many of your more illicit fantasies. You want to say yes so badly, want to finally get the experience of being something more to him, but you also don’t want to get ahead of yourself. But…

The room is silent while you’re thinking. You feel his eyes on the side of your face, feel the way he’s cataloging every emotion that overtakes your features, and you swallow harshly. Your heart is beating out of your chest and your hands are shaking, and your brain is running a mile a minute with no end in sight.

Then Vernon places his hand on your thigh. His touch is warm but light, ready to pull away as soon as you want him to, but it’s enough to bring your soul back into your body and get a grasp on your thoughts and feelings. You bite your lower lip and breathe in deeply before letting it go. Yeah, you’re doing this.

“I uh, I’m going to need some guidance,” you say, and you almost miss the way your friend’s eyes widen at your words.

“O-Of course. And if you want to stop at any time, just like, tell me, yeah?”

You smile at the comfort his words bring you. “Yeah.”

There is silence once again, but this one is heavy with a different kind of tension. You both know what’s happening, but you don’t know what your next move should be. Technically, you should be working and saving any… other activities for your own free time, but you don’t think waiting is something you’re capable of at this point.

He is the one to make the first move, placing his half-empty mug on the counter and placing himself between your legs. His hands find a place on your waist, bunching the fabric of your shirt slightly. Sitting on the counter means you’re a little bit taller than he is, but you really don’t mind it. He holds your gaze for a few seconds before his left hand lifts to cup your face.

“Are you okay with kissing?” His voice is a bit deeper than normal, and you would be lying if you said it didn’t make heat pool between your legs. “I understand if not, but-”

You interrupt him with a gentle kiss. His lips are pillowy against yours, smooth and plump. You thank your past self for bullying him into using chapstick, because you can honestly say that this might be your favorite kiss ever.

Vernon’s hand moves from your jaw to rake through your hair, and you moan a little when his fingers catch a little in the back. He responds by stepping even closer to you and sliding his entire arm around your back, your chest pressing against his deliciously. The only thought going through your mind is the fact that you are kissing your favorite coworker, and how you really, really want to bury his cock in your throat.

He chases after you when you pull away slightly to catch your breath, and you don’t even mind that the oxygen deprivation is making you dizzy. You slump against him a little when he tugs on your hair again, and you move to return the favor. As soon as you pull on the hair at the back of his neck, he forces himself to pull away and gulp down some air.

His eyes are glazed over, his lips slick with a mix of your and his saliva, and his chest is rising and falling where it’s pressed against yours. It's painfully attractive. He rasps out a quiet groan and leans his forehead against yours. You love the feeling of his harsh breaths hitting your face and answer back with your own.

You feel like you’re in a bubble, because the world around you feels muted and time feels like it has stopped moving. You wouldn’t be surprised if the earth had stopped spinning.

“Sorry,” he breathes. He buries his face in the crook of your neck and inhales your scent. “I just really wanted to do that.”

“Stop apologizing,” you respond, bringing your hand onto his head to scratch at his scalp. “I liked it. Maybe a bit too much.”

Your words bring a whine out of Vernon, and he squeezes you tighter. You’re still on top of the counter, but you can feel his bulge against the inside of your thigh. It twitches against you every time you tug at the ends of his hair, and it makes you smile.

One of your hands snakes down and cups him through his jeans. He reacts strongly despite the thick material separating you. His willingness to show you how good you make him feel make you fall for him all over again. As if he wasn’t already perfect enough.

“Y/N,” he gulps when you move your hand against him, “we’re taking this at your pace, and I can go as slowly as you want to, but I think I might go insane if I don’t get these pants off.”

You giggle breathlessly as you pull away from him, and he forces himself to take a step back from you. You lean back on your hands, your knees still spread from where he was standing previously. He’s distracted for a few seconds before he finally remembers to unbutton his jeans and tugs them down his legs.

The bulge had been apparent through the jeans, but you can truly tell how hard he is when they come off. The way he twitches in his boxers is so obvious you almost feel bad for him. You decide it’s time you follow through and receive your lesson.

You hop off the counter and slide onto your knees in front of him. It’s unfair how attractive he is even from this angle, you think, and slide your hands up his thighs. You’ve given handjobs before, so it’s not exactly your first time touching a dick, but the goal is different now. This time, your hands are just the warmup and not the main event. You’re just hoping you can bring him some sort of pleasure in spite of your inexperience.

“Tell me how to start,” you whisper up at him. He blinks a few times at the sight of you before sucking in a deep breath.

“Yeah,” he rasps. His throat is already dry with anticipation. “I uh, I mean everyone is different when it comes to this stuff, so uh-”

“Just teach me what you like, Nonnie.” Your hands are massaging his thighs, nails digging into his skin every now and then. Whenever they do, you can feel him shudder.

“O-Oh, okay,” he breathes, sounding broken already. “I prefer skipping the handjob first, I guess. I really l-like the feeling of licking, especially at the tip, and uh-” He is becoming redder by the second. “One step at a time. Uhm, start by removing my boxers.”

You nod obediently and slide your hands up to his lower tummy, watching the expressions of pleasure as they take over his face. You assume you will never get to do this again, so you do your best to burn it all into your mind for later use on lonely nights spent with your vibrator. He shudders again when your nails scratch his skin lightly. Your fingers curl around the hem of his underwear and tug.

His cock is beautiful. It’s pretty long, curving slightly towards his stomach, and the tip of it is a perfect shade of peach. Your mouth waters at the thought of getting to taste it, and you eye the drop of precum spilling from the tip. You gently shuffle closer, but he stops you.

“Sorry, you’re fine, I just need something to lean against,” he explains when you look at him in fear of having done something wrong. He maneuvers you both so that he’s leaning against the counter you were sitting on not five minutes ago, and you’re in front of him.

“What now, Nonnie?” you ask, his eyes shutting and chest expanding to accommodate a deep breath.

“You should probably just uh, stroke me a few times first. Then uhm, then you can do whatever you want.” You blink at him a few times, trying to indicate that he’s supposed to be teaching you how to do this. For once, he gets the hint. “Like I said, I uh, like licking. When you take me in you just have to make sure not to like, bite me. Other than that, you can take it at your own speed and depth - for your comfort, of course, but I’m also not picky.”

You admire the flush decorating his cheeks and neck. He looks so good like this, towering over you and looking at you like you hold the answer to his ultimate pleasure. You try to convince yourself that you do, that you will be able to listen and follow his guidance well enough that this will feel good for him. You decide that you will.

Raising your right hand, you grip him tightly in your fist. It makes him suck in a breath, and you feel the muscles in his thighs tense up. You pump him a few times, going slow and using his precum as lube. It’s not enough, of course, but you will move on soon.

“Fuck…” he heaves, leaning back onto the counter even more. He looks into your eyes and swears again. “Please, sweetheart, as soon as you’re ready, I-I want-”

You cut him off by pressing your tongue against the head of his dick. The flavor is salty and a little bit bitter, but it tastes like heaven. Your eyes briefly slip closed as you continue kitten-licking at his slit, and he lets out a winy moan. You open your eyes and look at him, only to find him with his head tilted back to look at the ceiling.

“How is this?” you pause to ask, continuing before he’s had time to answer.

“Good, baby,” Vernon answers through his labored breathing. “So, so good. Keep going, you’re doing great.”

The praise bolsters your confidence, and you give a long lick from his base to his tip. The motion makes him moan again, so you repeat it a few more times. In no time at all, his cock is covered in a mixture of your saliva and his own precum. You decide it’s time to try and take him in your mouth - both because you’ve teased him enough, but you’re also too impatient to wait anymore.

His tip breaches the heat of your mouth , and you find you have to open your jaw quite a bit to accommodate him. A punched out groan leaves him, and one of his hands comes down to tangle in your hair. When a strand of it falls in front of your face, he gathers your hair into a makeshift ponytail at the back of your head.

You love the weight of him on your tongue, and dare to sink down a bit lower. He hits the top of your mouth. You gag around him, and he gently pulls you off of him to check on you.

“You okay? You don’t have to keep going,” he reminds you. It only serves to make you more determined to make him cum down the back of your throat.

“What can I do better?” you ask while stroking him in your hand. You still want to improve.

“Honestly?” he wheezes, his hips jumping of their own accord. “You’re doing great.” You glare a bit at him, and he smiles down at you apologetically. “Sorry. But you are doing great. Maybe try sucking a bit more? Not just placing me in your mouth.”

You nod and sink right back down on him. His noises of pleasure are never-ending, and they only increase in volume as well as frequency once you properly suck around him. You bob up and down on him, his hand clenching in your hair as he’s doing his best not to fuck your throat. You’re making it pretty hard.

“Please, baby, I’m gonna fucking- Where do you want me to cum?”

His voice is hoarse and strained, and his grip on your hair has grown so tight it’s stinging your scalp. You savor the pain and rub your thighs together, mewling around him. You grip his ass and push deeper to signal for him to cum in your mouth, and it’s not a second too soon because he immediately spills his seed into you.

Vernon cums so much that some spills out onto your chin, but you diligently swallow what you can. He tries to keep his eyes on you, but his vision quite literally whites out as he reaches his high, so his eyes screw shut without his permission. You, on the other hand, couldn’t tear your gaze from him if you tried. He’s beautiful when he cums, his eyebrows scrunched in what almost looks like pain and his jaw slack in awe. His thighs tremble, and you’re glad he’s leaning against the counter so he doesn’t collapse onto the floor.

“Fuck, how are you so good at this,” he heaves out when his vision returns. You just smirk up at him, some of his cum still covering your chin and lips.

“I had a good teacher,” you tease back. Your voice is raspy after bobbing on his cock, and he finds it painfully attractive.

He notices the way you clench your thighs together and realizes you’re still on the floor. He’s quick to bend down and help you to your feet. As soon as you’re in front of him, he’s kissing you. He doesn’t care about the cum transferring from your chin to his, nor the fact that his softening dick is still out in the open; all he can think about is that he wants to pay you back for what you just did for him.

“Nonnie,” you breathe between kisses, and instead of pulling away it makes him kiss you harder, faster, deeper. He loves when you call him that. He reluctantly pulls away when you push gently against his chest, though. “We should finish the-”

“I need to eat you out, baby. Please, please let me.” His interruption surprises you, and so does his suggestion. He must see your confusion, because he quickly clears things up for you. “I want to, because I like you so much. I promise to ask you to be my girlfriend after this, but please, let me eat you out first.”

“Okay, but Nonnie-” you say, but he interrupts you with a passionate kiss as he mumbles thanks against your lips. “Nonnie.” He sighs and pulls away, resting his forehead against yours. He closes his eyes to stop himself from jumping you again, and you smile. “I’ll say yes right now. I want to be your girlfriend. Is that okay?”

He kisses you so deeply you lose track of where he starts and you end, but you’re just so glad to be kissing him again you probably couldn’t have figured it out anyway. You don’t talk much more that evening, and you definitely don’t get home before midnight, but at least you go home and fall into bed together. Maybe his inattentiveness was a blessing, after all.

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a/n: don't forget to like and reblog if you enjoyed this post! <3

[buckysgrace]

1. My Kink is Karma

Broken Hearts Club Steve Harrington x fem!Reader

Your friend convinces you to join her grand plan. Steve is surprised about your advances.

Dividers by @strangergraphics :)

The air was hot and muggy. Humid. It was so humid that the back of your neck was wet, leaving the strands of hair against your skin wet. The sun was even more miserable, beating down against your skin as you roughly pumped your feet against the pedals. You were almost there. 

You had no car, well not anymore. Patty had begged and pleaded with you to take one spin in it behind the wheel, which you eventually agreed to against your better judgment. Your car was currently busted up in a junkyard and you were spending the summer paying for the damage your friend had done. Not that it was truly her fault, you were the one that let her behind the wheel.

You shoved your bike into the rack, almost not caring enough to lock it up. But you did despite your legs and arms crying in protest. At least you had a bike, if you lost this you’d end up having to walk. Your grandparents had been very clear of what they expected from you after your mistake. It was fair. 

Orange Julius wasn’t that bad of a job, a bit boring; but you really wished you were walking around and shopping like the rest of your peers. Instead you were stuck behind a counter, gowned in an ugly orange apron and an orange cap to keep your hair out of the food and drinks. It was better than the hairnet you supposed.

And it was certainly better than the terrible Scoops Ahoy! Uniforms that you had the unlucky pleasure of viewing every day. The store was directly across from yours, such a great view when you zoned out. Patty certainly thought so.

“Look at him in his dumb uniform,” She commented as she loudly sipped from her drink, her second free one that you had gifted her, “How many girls do you think have rejected him today?” She questioned you, looking more than gleeful as she stared towards the large glass windows into the ice cream store. 

“Don’t know,” You told her as you shrugged your shoulders, working on getting the drinks ready for the couple that was waiting, “Maybe a few.” You added, trying to appear as interested in the conversation as she was. In all honesty, you were growing tired of the mockery of Steve. It felt like old news. You didn’t understand why she kept obsessing over it. 

Steve was a hard topic for you to discuss, to even think about. You had known him far before he had dated Patty and left her heart in a pile of broken pieces. Back before he ever cared about popularity and gaining the title of King Steve.

Your memories of Steve came with dirty, scraped knees and popsicle stained lips. Of playing popcorn on your trampoline and him teaching you how to dive into the deep side of his pool. It was catching fireflies and having your gran paint your faces on your birthdays. You were fond of them all.

Then high school rolled around and things changed. The two of you drifted apart and soon your gran had an overstock of grape popsicles in her freezer. Those had always been his favorite. 

Things didn’t end on bad terms though, so you supposed you were grateful for that. You still occasionally exchanged pleasantries and small conversations. The last time you’d actually interacted with him had been at your graduation party. Patty had thrown a fit, even though you’d been in the dark about him coming over. But your grandparents loved him.

“You know what would be really funny?” Patty asked you as she hopped up on the side of the counter, leaving one of your coworkers to grumble about it. You smiled sheepishly, sure that they were all annoyed with her hanging around. “What?” You asked as you quickly smiled towards the customers as you handed off their drinks to them. You happily accepted the leftover coins as your tip, happy for anything that would help with your car situation. 

“If you went on a date with him.” Patty’s sentence surprised you as you snapped your head towards her, watching the way her pouty lips had turned up into a smirk. 

“Me?” You looked at her in disbelief, eyebrows crinkling together as your eyes widened, “Are you joking?” You asked her seriously as you hesitantly approached, sure that she had to be pulling your leg. Go out with Steve? The same ex she hadn’t been able to get over? You were positive you heard her wrong. 

“I’m being serious,” She grinned as she leaned over the counter, her green eyes sparkling with mischief, “Can you imagine how upset he’d be when you dump him?” She laughed at the thought, looking a little too gleeful for comfort. 

“Exactly why I’m not doing that.” You told her quickly as you shook your head. What Steve had done to her was shitty, but you were not a heartbreaker. You hadn’t ever broken up with anyone either, nor had you been in a serious enough relationship to pull off the act. 

“Why not?” She whined as she reached for your hands, “It would be the perfect revenge.” She added as she squeezed at your fingers. You looked at her oddly, wondering where she had gotten the impression that you were like that. This summer was supposed to be about working off your mistake, not about cozying up to Steve Harrington. 

“I don’t like Steve like that.” You dismissed her as you wrinkled your nose up. You’d never liked him like that. It irritated you to no end to hear about the girls in your classes talking about their romantic encounters with him. It had been unbearable during his brief stunt with Patty. You were secretly glad when it ended, not that you would ever tell her that. 

“You don’t have to,” She said as she shook her head, her blonde curls flying about, “You just have to make him like you.” She drew out more playfully as her grip around your fingers only tightened. 

“No,” You replied sternly as you pulled your hands away, “We used-,”

“To be friends, I know,” She finished for you, “But then he ditched you Freshman year for all of those cool people.” She waved her hand like it was no big deal, but you still felt the dull ache in your chest. But you were going to college, none of that mattered anymore. 

“Thanks.” You replied dryly as you shook your head, glancing back over towards the ice cream store. From this angle you could see Steve talking dramatically with his hands as Robin held up some sort of board in his direction. 

“You’re a nerd, but I love you,” She replied eagerly as she nodded her head, “See, it works out perfectly. You can get your own revenge too.” She laid it all out for you simply, as if it wasn’t a tricky task. It was all sort of bizarre to you. 

“I don’t want revenge,” You told her with a laugh, “That was years ago. I don’t care anymore. I’m going to college soon and forgetting about this dumb town.” That was if you could pay off your destroyed car. And get a new one. 

“You should do it for me anyways.” She whined as she bounced on the tips of her toes and smacked her palms against the counter, like she was a small child. You grumbled in response. 

“Why?” You asked her seriously as you rested your hand on your hip while you leaned on the counter. She rested her chin on her hands, pouting out her bottom lip as she fluttered her eyelashes up at you. 

“Because I’m your best friend. Maybe your only friend,” She added quickly, “And you owe me.” She added in a strict manner, narrowing her eyes slightly as if she was recalling a memory. You laughed. 

“What exactly do I owe you for?” You asked her seriously as you cocked your eyebrows, a little amused at the tantrum she was throwing. It wasn’t like you weren’t used to it. 

“You failed to tell me that Steve was such a heartbreaker.” She pointed at you, like it was all somehow your fault. You blinked slowly, knowing that she’d have to do better than that. You had told her many times that it wasn’t a good idea. 

“Everyone knew about that,” You responded with a laugh, “Nice try though.” You told her as you grabbed a spray bottle and began to wipe off the counter, purposely so she could move her elbows away. 

“Please,” She tried again as she pouted her lips out, “You know what he put me through, don’t you think he deserves a taste of his own medicine?” She asked you seriously, sounding more frustrated this time around. 

“I think that’s happening right now,” You responded as you crinkled your nose up, clearly able to hear him talking loudly to the group of girls that had just walked into the ice cream store, “Besides, he’d get suspicious. We’ve never been like that.” You couldn’t imagine being romantic with Steve or pretending to date him. It was outrageous. 

“We could cook up a cute story,” Patty declared, “You’ve been in love with him since you were little; he’s your childhood crush. Oh he’d fall for it.” She nodded her head, eyes still gleaming as she continued to plot out her awful plan. 

“He would not.” Lies. He definitely would. Being a hopeless romantic certainly fit Steve, even if he left behind shattered pieces of hearts in his path. 

“You go on a few dates,” She continued, “Just a few. Enough to make him like you. LIke really like you. You make him feel like he’s getting his groove back, that he can be happy and then you just dump him.” She smacked her hands against your wet counter, smiling wide as she squealed a second later. 

“Oh my God.” You groaned as you covered your face with your hands, feeling like she wasn’t listening to you. She was too much sometimes. 

“Just do this one little thing for me,” She whined dramatically again, “Please. Why won’t you do it for me? Your best friend?” She questioned you as you felt yourself huff all over again. It was ridiculous, that was why. 

“Just to be clear,” You started as you held your hands up in surrender and shut your eyes, “You want me to pretend to date your ex, be all sweet and romantic with him and then break up with him?” You asked her, being sure that you had the points correct. 

“Yes.”

“Alright,” You huffed as you drifted your eyes up towards the ceiling, wondering if anyone could hear your inner pleas, “You’re sick, demented. A terrible person.” You told her seriously, trying to recall why you had become friends in the first place. 

“I love you too,” She cooed as she leaned forward to kiss your forehead, “I’ll start looking for something cute for your first date.” She replied cheerily as she walked away, blowing you a kiss as she left. 

“Patty!” You shouted, eyes wide in disbelief, “I’m not doing it!”

You were true to your word, but that didn’t mean that Patty was happy with it. Her tantrum grew into dark, gloomy clouds and lightning flashes as she took to ignoring you in her usual manner. She did this every so often, making a point to show you that she wouldn’t speak to you again until you did whatever she wanted. You weren’t going to budge this time. 

“Where’s your friend?” The voice startled you, shaking you away from your thoughts as you munched on a carton of fries that were growing increasingly cold as your lunch break went on. You looked up curiously, almost dropping the fry from your mouth. 

“Steve?” You asked, sure that you were dreaming for just a moment. Of course it would be your luck to have him bump into you after your event with Patty. He did look dorky in his little uniform, but you’d noticed that he’d taken off his hat. 

“Yeah,” He said slowly, looking over his shoulder as if there was someone behind him, “That’s me. Why are you sitting alone?” He asked as he pointed his finger down to the free seat, like he was asking for an invitation to join you. You shrugged your shoulders. 

“Why do you care?” You asked him, not meaning for your tone to come out so snarky. But it was true. It wasn’t like he asked about you any other day. 

“I don’t,” He said at last, “Well sort of. You look like a bum.” He said at last, making your jaw drop as you stared up at him. You shifted, unable to help that your shirt was an ugly color and apron clutched so tightly to you. Perhaps you hadn’t cleaned up too well after the bike ride here either. Great. Just great. 

“This is my work uniform,” You huffed out, “I can’t control how it looks.” You replied defensively as you tried to straighten your clothes out, wondering why he was coming over to pick at you. Perhaps he thought you were an easy target like the kids in high school. 

“No,” He said as he furrowed his eyebrows together, “You look sad.” He declared with a nod of your head, leaving you just as confused as what he looked. 

“Bummed,” You corrected as you shook your head once you came to the right conclusion, “I think you mean that I look bummed.” You told him, blinking your eyes slowly as you laughed in response. 

“Yeah, that,” He replied as he rubbed the back of his neck, “Are you?” He asked you slowly, making you wonder once again why he even cared. You watched as he swung the chair around and straddled it, sitting across from you.

“I guess a bit,” You hummed as you ate another fry, eyes narrowing as he reached across and took a handful to shove into his mouth, “I think Patty dumped me.” You said with a shrug of your shoulders, feeling like there was no point in denying it.

“She’s a -,” He stalled for a moment, “She’s pretty nasty.” He decided on at last, as if that made it any better. You tilted your head, unsure of why he would stick that label on her. He wasn’t any better and was certainly a cheater amongst other things. 

“Uh huh,” You drew out slowly, “Is there a reason you came over here or?” You asked curiously as you raised your eyebrows, trying to gain knowledge of what he wanted from you. It was fairly suspicious that he had decided to speak to you now after your former conversation with Patty. 

“Just wanted to check in on you.” He said with a shrug of his shoulders, his tone softer as he drifted his brown eyes towards you. You felt your stomach clench in surprise before you quickly glanced away, unable to hold his gaze for very long. 

“I’m fine, Steve,” You replied tiredly as you pulled a tight smile onto your lips, “Does this look like a smile of a bum?” You asked him, unable to help yourself as a giggle burst free from your lips. It was silly, pleasant. Like it used to be. 

“Ha,” He replied dryly but smiled all the same, “I see why you got dumped.” He told you as he jerked his chin towards you, making a frown form on your lips. You supposed you shouldn’t feel so sensitive towards the manner, but you were fairly hurt over everything. Patty had been your only real friend for the longest time. It was shitty.

You sighed as you scooted your chair back, earning a confused look from Steve before you gathered up all of your trash. You dramatically tossed it into the bin before you turned on your heel, not letting him have the satisfaction of seeing you all upset. 

“I was kidding,” Steve shouted after you, stumbling over his chair as you headed back towards your store, “You know, just a joke!” You ignored him, not bothering to face his way before you flipped him off. 

“What’s this?” You asked as you held your back over your shoulder, resting a hand on your hip as you looked at the image in front of you. The mall was long closed and you had taken your time to get the store locked up and ready for tomorrow. 

Steve had a pitiful grin as he stood in front of you, a bowl filled with ice cream resting in his palms. You tilted your head, noticing the bananas and extra cherries. His hat was resting awkwardly on the side of his head, his hair sticking in different directions as if he’d messed with it for too long.

“I feel like a dick,” He said at last, “I really was just trying to check on you. Here. You can have this.” He pushed it out towards you, nearly dropping it on you before you caught it upright. He moved his hands towards you to balance it, his slender fingers brushing against your now warm skin. 

“Thanks,” You replied with a laugh, “I don’t think I can eat this on my bike though.” You told him seriously as you looked down at the messy toppings, almost as if a child had set it up. He had never been the artistic type. 

“We could share it here.” He suggested with a shrug of his lips, frowning his lips out softly like he wasn’t quite sure what you’d suggest. You placed the bowl down on the table before you rested your hand on your hip, thinking over his suggestion. 

“Are you asking me out?” You questioned with a cocked eyebrow. Bold. It was far too bold for you. He must’ve thought the same as he snapped his head towards you so quickly that his head almost toppled off of his head. 

“I-,” His lips stopped moving for a moment, his cheeks turning a bright red as his brown eyes widened in shock, “No. I mean. Yes. I uh, if you want it to be? No. I’m asking you out. Yes.” He furrowed his eyebrows tightly together, looking as confused as you felt for a moment. You laughed, trying to ignore the way your heart fluttered in your chest. It was sort of cute. Just sort of. 

“Real smooth, Harrington,” You responded as you pulled a chair out, “You’ve always had a way with words.” You teased him as you sat down, mirroring the way he’d found you earlier. He snorted as he pressed a hand through his messy hair. You watched, wondering if it had grown lighter from the summer sun. 

“I do,” He replied more confidently as he took the spot across from you, “I just wasn’t expecting you to ask me.” He said as he pointed the spoon towards you, then back to himself. You rolled your eyes as you stole the spoon from his fingers.

“Is that a problem?” You questioned as you took a large scoop from the ice cream, securing a piece of banana before you munched down on it. He watched you for a moment before he stole the spoon from you to take a bite of his own. At least neither of you cared about germs anymore.

“No,” He said as a cheesy smile pulled onto his lips, “I always knew you were into me.” His revelation shocked you, making your jaw drop in surprise.

“I was not,” You squeaked out, completely forgetting what Patty wanted you to say, “I bet you were the one that was into me.” You teased him back as you took another bite, then another just to spite him. 

He chewed on his bottom lip as he watched you, eyes warm and filled with amusement. He softened though, his features relaxing into something you deemed as being vulnerable before he adjusted in his seat.

“A bit,” He admitted, leaving you stunned as you pressed your lips together. You could feel your pulse racing, the butterflies forming in your stomach from his words. That was certainly a surprise. You never picked up any of those feelings from him, “I always thought you were pretty.” 

You felt a warm feeling grow inside of your chest, your heart thumping as you tried to comprehend his compliment. You parted your lips, your positions quickly changing as you suddenly couldn’t find the words to say.

“Oh,” You watched as he licked the bottom of the spoon clean, your knees twitching together, “I didn’t know.” You said at last, unsure of what else you could say. You felt guilty suddenly, even though you weren’t technically doing anything wrong. Not yet. He could totally be messing with you at this point. 

“You still live in the same place,” He stated, but then quickly coughed as he spoke again, “Right?” He flushed once again, a soft smile pressing onto his lips. He reminded you of the boy you once knew.

“Born and raised,” You told him in agreement, “I don’t suppose you’d invite me to go swimming?” You questioned, deciding that you might as well go ahead and take the lead. He laughed.

“We could do that,” He nodded his head in agreement, “Tomorrow. It’s a date.” 

[urf1lterr]

lovesick | pedro pascal [3]

"and on this night and in this light i think im falling, im falling for you."

next chapter: [4] previous chapter: [2] series masterlist

summary: in which a 1975-obsessed film student accidentally falls in love with an older man she can't have.

pairing: actor!pedro x intern!reader

genre: acting world!au, big age-gap!, strangers to friends- maybe lovers?? au | angst, mature, awkward, love- eventually

word count: 5.7k

status: in progress

author's note: in my head i have a certain way this story ends- but thats farrrr from this chapter. i couldn't stop laughing while writing this. i might have to rethink my ending bc i don't wanna make this series looooong. not edited.

Brutal banging on your bedroom door was not how you imagined to be awakened, especially when you were barely endearing maybe four hours of sleep.

Jolting up, you could feel your shoulders begin to ache as your severely tangled hair got stuck on the insides of your shirt. The shades in your room being shut, you had no sunlight whatsoever so you weren't sure what time it was.

Not like you needed to be anywhere important on a Wednesday- not until later anyway. Wednesday's were your arranged day off from school so you made sure to plan something productive to not feel more useless as you already were.

Typically, you were scheduled to work on these days- but we all know how that ended.

Thinking about your unemployment status aggravated you. The same day you were told you were going to be cut was actually your last despite being scheduled for the rest of that remaining week.

Oh how you wish you could say you didn't show up because of your stubbornness.

But frankly you had covid.

Not only did that job fire you, but they gave you a thoughtful farewell gift of a deadly virus to remember them goodbye.

Guess they took their storyline a little too seriously.

However, you did receive a few texts from your old coworkers wishing you well. At first, you wondered if Finn disclosed your personal medical information after you contacted him, but Jules admitted to doing so, swearing she only told Joon with the likelihood someone overheard and the rest was history.

Sadly, you barely talked to Pedro and Bella anymore.

The duo did reach out once they discovered you were sick and Bella would occasionally send you tiktoks at the most randomly times. But again, occasionally.

Pedro, on the other hand, never got back in touch after his 'feel better' text.

You weren't exactly distraught over it, it wasn't like you two made it your mission as friends to go out every day. But the thing was, you still did that when you worked together. Barely seeing him for a few seconds on some days in the past still meant you got to see him, but now you don't.

And strangely you miss him.

You always heard your coworkers discuss how considerate and down to Earth he was whenever they managed to work with him and you agreed. All the stories of him being one of the rarest, mindful human beings were true.

He was always the one spamming you with texts, but the only messages you received now were from your roommate, Joon, or the deals sent by your favorite food places.

But you weren't going to think too much of it. He's an adult, his days are always scheduled with new projects. You can't blame him for not making time for you.

Two weeks later here you were, using your extra free time to your advantage to stay up past midnight watching shows like Hell's Kitchen while eating ramen noodles.

The only con was you had the tendency to wake up late all the time.

Yanking the warm covers off your body, you slowly slip out of bed trying not to hit your desk by how poor your vision was at the moment. Opening your door, you give daggers to the other person behind it. "Is there a reason why you felt attempting to break my door was necessary?"

Jules sheepishly smiled, lightly rubbing the door in remorse before continuing. "I just wanted to remind you about our study date!"

"That's at 11."

"It's 10:32," she replied, pulling her phone out and showing you.

Gasping, you shut the door in her face before searching for clothes to wear. How could you possibly sleep in?

Actually, it was quite easy with American Horror Story having amazing plot twists. You decided to switch up your late night shows every now and then to spice things up.

But you were certain you turned on your alarm the night before. You must have slept through them. Damn, you were turning into Jules.

Quickly running to the bathroom to take a quick shower, you managed to finish the rest of your routine with ten minutes left to spare. You were certainly glad you could always count on the city's nonstop traffic as an excuse for your late arrivals.

Once you were able to catch a cab, which was a tremendous struggle considering your hand signals weren't clear enough to apprehend, Jules and you made it to a coffee shop a few streets away.

Being your designated place to study, you had to introduce Joon to it. He was practically the fifth member of the group, the third one being one of Jules' friend you frequently talked to and the fourth being the one you shared with Joon.

The best part about this cafe would have to be that it was two stories. You guess you could say you used the upstairs room conveniently when it came to debating, definitely not being afraid to raise your voice when your friends believed disagreeing with your opinions was acceptable.

"I didn't know a triple meant three shots of espresso," Joon pulled a disgusted face as Jules and you arrived to your familiar large booth. Sliding right next to him, you saw the coffee he was drinking was extremely dark. "I thought it meant three shots of creamer."

"For a guy who is phenomenally smart, you are phenomenally stupid," you heard your shared friend, Yoongi, comment after looking up from his notes.

The next hour consisted of the five of you centralizing your attention on your individual work before you decided you wanted to buy a coffee as your energy slowly drained away.

Walking down the stairs and placing a swift order, you stood to the side of the counter waiting as they prepared it. Scrolling through your phone to pass the short time, you felt someone near you.

"Hey, covid girl!" you heard a man exclaim, causing you to rush and shush him before the customers begin giving you the eye. "Long time no see."

"Don't expose me like that! I'm negative," you flush, tapping your fingers on your face to cool it down.

"Don't expose me," he clarifies, taking two steps back. "You're the one who's sick."

"Was," you groan, not standing for his teasing this morning. "Stop messing me with me, Nick. I am just a tired, broke college student who can't take anymore mocking in their life."

Nick chuckles, not denying that may be the case. He understands how you're feeling, he was once a student and knows how stressful it can be. Honestly, he can only imagine how tough it is now compared to when he last attended.

Inflation was no joke.

"I take it you're studying?" he eyes the large black frames on your head and the thick headphones around your neck. You only nod, making him laugh. "Very studious I see, it's a shame they let you go even after I told them not to. You could've done our taxes."

Pulling a forced smile, you just raise your right shoulder slightly not really wanting to talk about it much.

"Good thing I am very understanding," you joke.

"Hell, I wouldn't be," he curses, shaking his head briskly. "The least they could've done was offer another position while we left the country."

"When are you guys leaving anyway?'"

He looks up at the ceiling, trying hard to remember the exact date before clapping his hands. "The 3rd of next month."

"Three weeks from now? Are you ready for the cold and the snow?" you laugh as he shakes his head.

"Dealt with it growing up, don't wanna do it again," he groans before a barista calls out his name for his coffee. He excuses himself for a minute, grabbing the coffee along with a few napkins before walking back to you. "Have to get back to filming, they only gave me a half an hour break before we change scenes. Good look in university, kiddo. If you ever need anything you always have my number."

With that, he retreated back outside but not before sending you one final wave. You loathed the fact you missed them, but you had to get over it.

Grabbing your coffee once your name was called, you walked back up the stairs to find your friends staring at their own laptops as if they were going to breakdown in tears any second.

"When I tell you I would rather give up one of kidneys than learn about screenwriting," Jules weeps, pulling her hair in distress. "I just wanna tell people what to do, not write stories."

And that's how your whole study session went, one of you having your own malfunctions for the next few hours before the five of you agreed to end it.

"I am going to get a refill, meet you by the door?" Jules asked as you packed up your school belongings. You nodded, allowing her to walk downstairs with her friend as you stayed behind with the two other boys.

"I need to go to the bathroom," Joon called out as the three of you were making your way down the stairs. "I'll be out in a jiffy."

With that, Yoongi and you were stuck around a large crowd of customers trying to get their coffees in this 5 o'clock chilly evening. And one thing about these customers, they loved to push.

"If one more person hits my arm a brawl will unfold," Yoongi proclaims, making sure to raise his voice a bit to make his point come across. Which did nothing as he was granted another push in his arm in return.

Moving you head towards the exit, you made it clear to Yoongi that you two were better off just waiting outside unless you wanted to continue being compressed by total strangers whose been god knows where.

Feeling Yoongi's loss of touch from your shoulder, you sensed a group of friends rudely crossing between you both in order to make it to the front of the shop.

It amazed you how people had no manners in public places.

"Ah!" you shriek, feeling somebody aimlessly hit your body hard, knocking the wind out of you as you fell on your side.

That was until arms wrapped tightly under your upper arms, barely being able to stop your whole body from touching the ground as you felt you legs lay across the cold floor.

With the strong pair of arms effectively pulling you up, it caused you to slam your body against their unknown chest as the mob of customers didn't seem to die down any time soon.

Trying to find some stability, your eyes widened as your peripheral vision was met with a broad chest that you were too scared to figure discover who it belonged to.

This could either end with you meeting the love of you life or encountering a complete weirdo.

Moving your gaze upwards, you were met with familiar brown eyes that creased slightly as a gentle smile was released.

Okay, the second option was indeed your answer.

"Pedro? You fucking scared me!" you pushed him away, slapping his chest as he whined in response, clutching it in pain. "I was going to grab my pepper spray!"

"I see you're still satan," he glared as you crossed your arms. "No 'thank you for saving my severely mentally mad life from the mass of people who could've stamped over me'?"

Expressing an infuriated expression as he scared you, you begin to walk away from him but he quickly pulls you back into his arms and stares down at you. "Why are you leaving?"

"My friends are outside," you declare as he peers over the crowd to see who you were talking about.

He glances back down at you before pushing you straight by your waist, causing you to trust his guidance as he directed you backwards until you were against one of the walls to avoid being crushed again.

"Wait, my friends-"

"You wear glasses?" he slightly grasps the frames propped on your face, generating a strike from you. "What a dweeb you are."

"Isn't this a question you can ask through text?" you remark, causing him to purse his lips at how mediocre you were being.

"Oh come on, kid! I haven't seen you in weeks, it's my right to ask questions," he defends, giving you a staggering look as you sighed.

"And my glasses were the first thing that came to mind? Very clever."

"Would you rather me ask why we say 'cool' when it's not really cold?"

Studying his face in pure boredom, you set out to march past him but he pushes your shoulders back again, forcing you to stay put. "Sorry! Just trying to lighten the mood."

Scanning past him, you tried to locate your friends but to no luck they were absent. Glancing back up at him, you take a deep breath. "I really have to go before they leave me stranded a-."

"I can take you home," he instantly speaks up. "I know where you live remember."

Laughing, you disagree with his proposal. You arrived with Jules, you were leaving with her. But you were curious as to why he hasn't left you alone. It surely couldn't be just to chat about corny jokes-

Actually, you've had many of those conversions in the past.

"Is there a reason why you aren't letting me escape?" you blurt out, making him tilt his head suspiciously, trying to figure out what you were speculating.

His body language became edgy as he motioned his palm out in front of you. "I just so happened to drop by for some coffee and ended up being tackled by you," he confessed, making you scoff. "We haven't talked for some time, I wanted to check up and see how you were doing."

"I am as happy as a clam," you let out a radiant smile, making him squint his eyes and direct them to the side.

"English, please?" he pleaded.

"It means I am very happy," you respond, standing up straighter as he questioned you longer with his eyes as if he didn't believe a single word you were saying. "Everybody knows that expression."

"They really don't," he denies, giving you an awkward smile by your strange dialogue. "Anywho, I've been wanting to talk to you."

"Then why didn't you call?" you accidentally spit out, shutting your mouth as you grasped how bitter it came out.

He caught onto the sound of your tone, registering how unhappy you must've been for abandoning you friendship after strongly bonding for two months.

But he couldn't let you believe he did it on purpose, he had a reason. One that he was finally going to disclose after fighting battles until it was finally approved. "I was preoccupied with something else, I really am sorry," he apologized. "But I was going to reach out today."

Uncomfortably shrugging, you don't put too much thought into it. You didn't want him to assume you were upset, but you had a feeling he could sense it by how tense you were becoming.

"For what?"

He looked around before averting his eyes back to your own, grinning widely. "So I think there's a chance you'd be able to get your internship back."

Standing up straighter, you stared at him dumbfounded. What the hell was he talking about?

"How? They already terminated our useless contracts," you argue. "Why hassle making another one."

"Work for me," he ignores your sour tone, getting straight to the point.

This was why he didn't have time to communicate. Too busy trying to find ways to convince his own boss to keep you, it led to him being in a bad mood after failing each attempt.

He couldn't talk to you knowing his plan went wrong.

After the constant begging, whines, and even going out of his way to format a ridiculous petition as to why you should stay, which centers all interns because he didn't want to throw himself under the bus for you- the main producer eventually gave in.

"You want me to work for you here when you're leaving the country in a few weeks?" you narrow your eyes, confused as to how that was going to work out in the end.

"I was going to sneak you into my suitcase."

"What in the world are you rambling about?" you exhaled sharply.

Pedro grinned brightly as he held onto your shoulders again, "Come with us to Canada."

"No," you quickly answer, not even processing fully but you knew it could never happen.

There was no possible way you could ever go through with this. For one, you can't even leave the country. You parents were so strict they'll probably smuggle drugs in your luggage so you'll be gunned down and locked into the country.

Second, well there really isn't another reason- your parents were enough.

"Oh come on," he whined. "It'll be great! You'll gain so much experience like you've been wanting. Plus, you'd do more hands-on work with the film crew. Think of it as a student exchange program."

"That's literally not what a student exchange program is."

"Stop rejecting the idea. You go to school here, yeah? I assume you're taking classes online because you basically lived at the studio," he implied and you slowly nodded. "We can adjust your schedule to where you'd have time to work and focus on school."

Silently looking to the table nearby, you began digesting what he was going on about. It wasn't a bad idea, but it wasn't an easy one either. "My parents would never let me."

"Give me their number and I'll convince them," he persuades and you sway you head. You wanted to laugh in his face if he really believed he could make your parents agree.

"No," you fight back, watching him exhale loudly by how restrained you were being. "I k-"

"What would Matt Healy do?"

Immediately shutting your mouth, you freeze as he catches you off guard. He did not come to play and knew you well enough to use your weaknesses against you.

He knows Matt Healy would easily agree- that man was literally the devil's spawn.

And god, you just knew Matt would be disappointed in you if you didn't go.

Curse you and your infatuation over this short English man.

Luckily, your thoughts disappeared as you felt a tap on your arm. Looking up, you see Yoongi breathing heavily as Pedro eyes him, unsure if you knew him.

"There you are, I've been looking for you everywhere! My god the lecture your friend gave me about losing you-" he groaned, shivering. "-I was certain she was gonna file a police report."

Slowly averting his eyes to the older man beside you, Yoongi's face fills with curiosity. "Hey, aren't you that one guy from that Netflix show..." he stops, looking up as he tried hard remembering the name. "Narcos!"

Pedro's eyes shoot open as he tries to innocently stretch his body, purposely blocking your view of him, "No." Secretly waving his palm across his neck, he sends Yoongi daggers to keep quiet. Stiffly turning to you, he becomes flustered. "But don't watch that show."

Raising a brow, you decide to drop the random topic and focus your attention back to your friend until you heard another person shriek. The three of you searching to where it came from, you find Namjoon stumble between people, trying his hardest not to fall face first on the floor.

"A jiffy later and I'm back," Joon winks once he's released from the mass.

Pedro scrunches his face. "Jiffy?"

Joon breaks out into smiles once he notices who was with Yoongi and you. "Oh my gosh! What are you doing here? Did you miss us that much?"

"I don't think it was you he missed," Yoongi muttered, making Pedro send him a questionable glance and Joon tilt his head, not sure what he meant.

Wanting to leave this now weirder conversation, you step forward and grab onto Yoongi's shoulder. "Let's go, I wanna breathe." Turning your attention back to Pedro, he swiftly moved his eyes from your hand to your own. "Text me if you need anything else."

"Only you," he sends you a cheeky smile making you blush by how nice he was being. Yoongi glanced at the two of you, dazed as what you two were implying.

Staring at him, you waited for him to say his farewells first so everybody could leave already. Waiting for one, you never received anything but his quiet stance and gaze stuck on you.

It felt strange not feeling the strength to walk away- not even the strength but the need to go anymore as you couldn't take your eyes off him. It also wasn't only you as he couldn't help but bear comfort from the sight of you.

It felt like the both of you were interacting to each other in your minds.

"Are you having a staring contest?" Joon questioned, making your your consciousness come back to life as you looked back at him. Pedro's gaze weakened, but they were still on you as yours was unfortunately long forgotten.

"No," you laughed, now gripping onto Yoongi harder. "But seriously, let's get out of here. See you whenever, Pedro."

Watching as you stayed close to your guy friends in hopes of being secured through the populated room, he sighed to himself. He was sure your friends might confess their own intuitions to you and perceive him as a creep.

The sad part was he knew why your particular friend would have his suspicions. He never knew his age would have that much of an effect, but he never hung out with people that young before unless it was for a project.

Shaking these thoughts away from his head, he chuckled to himself. He shouldn't care about what other people thought, the two of you never engaged in anything but friendly encounters.

He just despised his gut feeling as if he was doing something wrong. People are making him feel this way, that was guaranteed.

But he feels awful how he keeps trying to find ways to see you, too embarrassed to think about the things he done just to see you for not even a minute.

He's just never had a friend like you before. It was nice.

"I can't believe he's offering us a job like that!" Jules exclaimed as Joon and you nodded. Yoongi lived in the opposite direction so he made his departure a few minutes ago as well as her friend. "I can't go."

Widening your eyes, you stared at her. "What? Why?"

She laughs before pointing at herself. "You think I'll be able to properly manage school and work in another country? I barely did that these last two months- I'll just be partying it up at hockey games eating gravy with fries."

"You mean poutine," Joon corrected.

"Same thing," she rolled her eyes. "All I'm saying is, being home made me realize how much I love sleeping. I would rather give that up when I graduate and actually have a real adult job."

She did have a point, she really enjoyed her naps.

"I'll consider it," Joon spoke up, putting his hands inside his hoodie as the three of you continued walking. "Doesn't sound too bad, it'll look good on resumes."

Smiling, you nodded. You weren't sure why you even dared to be happy about this when you were the one wanting nothing to do with the idea not even a half an hour ago.

You just knew your lord was giving you a disapproving glare from the clouds.

Within the next 20 minutes, Joon went his separate way home as Jules and you arrived in front of your shared apartment. Rushing to the bathroom, your roommate excused herself for the next hour for her 'needed' relaxation.

In other words, a bubble bath.

Turning on the tv, you sat down on the couch swiping through boring news channels until you decided to switch to Netflix. You still had to make time for Evan Peters before the night ended.

Clicking on the current season you were on, Freak Show, you began thinking about how massive Evan Peter's hands were. How can his girlfriends survive.

The thought freaked you out, this really was a freak show.

Soon, the next episode began featuring Twisty the clown more and you were terrified by how huge he was. He could crush you with a flick of his fingers.

Knocks on your door alarmed you, making you slightly jump and look towards the bathroom. Your roommate's music was softly playing in the background meaning she probably couldn't hear the blows on the door.

Slowly standing up, you grab the bat you keep near the door, in case someone tries viciously murdering you in your doorway, and go on your tiptoes to see what kind of stranger needed to pay a visit in the middle of the night.

Well, it wasn't even 7 o'clock in the evening yet but you get the point.

Gasping at the sight presented through your little peep hole, you promptly unlock the handles before extending the large door wide. "And why exactly are you here? Miss me that much?" you tease.

Not receiving an answer, you scoff. "Are you really giving me the silent treatment? You're hurting my feelings."

When he didn't react to that either, you felt your face drop. Slowly striding towards him, you notice his head was low as he stared at his shoes. Placing your right palm softly on his left shoulder, you felt him glance up.

Did something happen during your short time apart? Was he in trouble?

Knowing it was really you in front of him, Pedro lunged his body onto yours before you could stop and think about what was happening. Colliding his lips upon yours, you felt your thoughts drift away as he steadily moved forward and made his way inside your warm apartment.

Stopping to swiftly shut the door, you had no time to take in a full breathe before his mouth found yours again. Clutching the back of his head, probably pulling his hair out, you groan as his nails claw your exposed waist, your shirt slowly inching up more and more as the seconds went up. Slipping his tongue inside you, you felt the way his nose hit yours as dominance took over.

He wanted to control all of you.

It wasn't until your legs began wobbling from the long standing when his hands lost your waist, instantly making contact with the back of your thighs, squeezing them, soon allowing them to suffocate his sides. Following his lead, you pull your lips back before diving them to the corner of his jaw as he groaned, walking to god knows where.

You figured out where once you shrieked as your back made contact with your couch, his palms widening your legs in a hurry before situating himself on top of you. Surprisingly, the difference of weight wasn't an issue as he clinged harder against you, moving his hand behind your neck to pull it down, making sure to make you feel the pain of the slight hair tugging.

"What are y-" you softly choke, voice coming out in whimpers as he ignored you. Latching his lips to the top of your chin, he stuck his tongue out, dragging it gradually down your neck as your back arched, needing to feel closer to him if that was even possible. Your wish was his command as he hastily pressed himself against you, making you groan in surprise.

Making his way lower, he passes your neck down to your chest while his hands found their to your collarbone, smoothly rubbing the area up and down before clutching onto it harshly as he continue down his path. Something about the way his soft fingertips applying pressure near your neck as his lips kept kissing the rest of your body had you in wonders. You couldn't believe this was happening.

It wasn't until you felt his mouth near your exposed waist that made you completely lose it. You had long forgotten that Jules was in the room next door when you gasped, feeling his teeth swipe against your skin. "Shhh," he whispered against your lips as a way to silence you. "Don't want to let your friend know I'm here now, do we?"

You could only stammer shaky sounds as he planted a few more deep kisses, slowly pulling away and feeling the wetness of both your mouths descend down. He gave you one last dark gaze before returning his mouth on yours, loving the feeling of the dampness between your faces.

His mouth opening wider, he began intensively tasting you, swiping his tongue around your lips as you tried to keep up with his eagerness. Not giving you much time to catch his pace, you could feel how wet he was making you.

No, he was literally drowning your face.

Pulling back, you squint your eyes and take a few seconds to adjust to the poor lighting in your living room. You were met with dark, green eyes.

Lady Gaga.

Shrieking, you grab the black, green-eyed demon on top of you and throw her off, causing her to let out a loud hiss with the immediate sounds of footsteps following afterwards.

"Lady Gaga!" you hear Jules squeal in her pink robe, wrapping the nauseating cat in her arms before turning to you, giving you a look of rage. "Did you throw her?!"

"She licked me!"

Jules scoffed harshly before hurling a nearby pillow at you, allowing it to hit your face in full force before stomping back to her door and violently slamming it shut.

You fucking hated that cat.

Laying back against the couch, you rubbed your red face in humiliation. Not only did you have an intense dream about Pedro but you're pretty sure you just had a full on make-out session with a cat.

Groaning, you couldn't believe what was happening to you. Why would you dream about him-

No- why would you have one doing not so child friendly activities?!

You just know you'll never be able to face him with a straight face, too embarrassed to even be near him now without thinking about this moment.

It wasn't even like you thought about him in that way- you didn't.

Maybe your time of the month was approaching or you were in desperate need of a date because there's no way any normal human being would fantasize over some older man that way.

Okay, maybe it was possible.

But that was definitely not you...even though you just did. Although, you did see the comparison between him and Lady Gaga.

They looked kind of alike- right? Same whiskers.

One thing that was certain was you were never going to tell anybody about this. If people believed for one second you had feelings for him, which you don't, you'll never hear the end of it.

He was not your type nor close to your age. It would never happen.

Sighing, you close your eyes and silently send out a prayer to not engage in another session with the demonic cat. Maybe sleep will make you think clearly once awoken and abolish all these wild concepts floating through your head.

But once you were actually awoken, your mind still wasn't clear- or maybe it was because the pounding on your door ultimately pulled you from your slumber.

Stretching your arms, you scratch the top of your head as you try to open your eyes but it was no use, you were way too tired to fully engage with anybody right now.

Completely avoiding looking through the peep hole, which was a red flag on your part, you swing the door open to find a man who looked like Pedro standing on the other side of it.

Groaning aloud, you slap yourself as he takes this by surprised, not sure why you just did that.

How are you having another dream about him? Was this the bad luck needed after scoring tickets to your favorite band? Is this some kind of sick revenge someone has against you?

Pointing at Lady Gaga, who was dressed up as Pedro, you rudely spit out the words needed to be said. "You are just a cat. Nothing happened between us."

With that, you step back inside, ignoring Lady Gaga's attempts of trying to gain your attention by waving their arms in front of you. Making your way to your room, you see Jules walk out of hers.

"Who was that at the door?" she questions, hearing another round of knocks appear.

You tiredly wave your hand in nonsense, denying that thought. "It was Lady Gaga, go back to bed."

Jules sends you a bewildered look as you enter your bedroom and face-plant on your cozy bed, allowing sleep to reel you back in. Turning her head, she looks at Lady Gaga who was sitting casually by her bedroom door.

"She is turning fucking nuts," she whispers to herself before swiftly opening the door to reveal a very confused Pedro. "What's up?"

Pedro's concerned face takes over his actions as he jumps to his eager questions. "Is y/n okay? She thought I was a cat."

Jules shrugs, rubbing her eyes with her palm. "Who knows, I think she's getting over her coffee hangover."

Pedro carefully nods, still skeptical as to what happened to you. What did you mean nothing happened between you two? Did something happen that he wasn't aware of?

Were you hiding something from him?

Gracelessly gesturing his leave, Pedro walked quickly down the hall as Jules stood there for a moment too tired to comprehend why he paid the apartment a visit this early in the morning. The sun was barely out, why did he come?

After shutting the door and taking a seat on the couch, she laid back and stared at the ceiling. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but for some reason a strange intellect emerged out of nowhere.

She shrugged it off, instantaneously knocking out, too exhausted to conquer her suspicions.

+

taglist: @thesapphirequeen @floralsightings @wrathofcats

[nihilnovisubsole]

it's that time of year again: AK's 2023 Wrapped™. no, not the music thing. the december year-in-review thing. my spotify charts were deeply unfunny this time around because of all the game soundtracks i've been listening to. i don't know when these end-of-year posts became tradition for me, which is to say i could find out and i'm too lazy to check. the important thing, like lemon pigs or eating black-eyed peas, is that it feels like we've always done it. in the depths of winter, the warmth comes from the routine.

i won't beat around the bush about it: it's been a difficult year. it's been hard enough that it doesn't seem appropriate to joke about it or wave it off in favor of big, blog-worthy wins. times are dark right now. it behooves all of us to think deeply and check on each other. i hope i've been a decent friend to the people who needed it. so instead of scraping together a halfhearted victory lap, i'm going to go against my better judgment and be vulnerable.

it wasn't all bad. i got promoted to staff narrative designer this year, which is a fancy way of saying "you don't have to do time cards anymore." it's strange: in an industry infamous for volatility, my job has become one of the few things i can rely on to be positive. i believe my coworkers like me, which is good, because i like them. i feel not just included, but welcomed at work social events. i've developed a reputation for being a garbage goat on my writing team. "got an odd job? give it to AK. we can count on her to eat it." i had the chance to collaborate with someone i've looked up to for years, and i was delighted to find out how amenable they are to work with. there's work stress and there's work stress. everyone has challenging days, but it's not the crab bucket that voltage was, so it never seems that bad. i keep it in perspective. sure, these tasks keep me on my feet, but is it three cents a word, seven thousand words a week? i'll live.

i just wish it had all been good. it speaks to how my health has been that getting covid in february was one of the most mundane things to happen to me. i did everything right. i had all my boosters. i had paxlovid. i recovered well. still, it knocked me out of orbit in the psychological sense. i stopped getting enough exercise, though i'm building myself up again. i became neurotic about my stats. am i Getting A Good Grade In Blood Pressure? what about Pulse Rate? two months later, i came down with a strange, unrelated condition that was nowhere near as serious as covid, but made my life ten times more difficult. i'm happy to report i feel worlds better these days. even so, it was a bizarre time. bodies sure are curious.

later, my sink flooded my closet, and for a few days, i had to reckon with the idea that mold might destroy my entire wardrobe. all those irreplaceable pieces of character design that i've built my identity around since i was eighteen years old. who would i be without them? a wise person would say it was a lesson: stop defining who you are by your looks and find worth in your inner self. the mold is gone and my clothes are fine, but sometimes i have days where my lungs seem like they're sort of operating at ninety percent. i'm trying not to fuss about it. my checkups are normal, and i feel fine whenever i get out of the house for a while. maybe it'll go away when i move. because, hey, i can contemplate saving for a house now. how about that? remember when my mother and i were homeless? what a surreal landscape of highs and lows.

maybe grief is strange like that. in july, just when my health started to settle down, my grandmother died. it was a long time coming. she was 94 and extremely frail. i handled it well at first. it took the ensuing few months for the full weight of human mortality to sink in. before, i'd mainly been to funerals of warm, but distant old men, great patriarchs who loved but didn't relate to little girls. her, i knew. she was there when i was born. i won't go into detail, but it was not a peaceful passing, and it left problems in its wake. you don't live through that without taking a long, hard look at your life. everyone gets the invincibility knocked out of them sometime.

my mother is too disciplined to let it get the better of her. on the worst days of her life, the stove still got cleaned and the bills got paid. when people give her condolences, she encourages them to look on the bright side: she got almost seventy years with her. how many children can say that? but i can tell she's sad, and i'm not under any illusion i can help. i have to sit with it. there's nothing else for me to do.

under different circumstances, i'd have thrown myself into my work. i'd come up with some writing project to avoid thinking about it. i guess the dominant theme when it comes to my personal writing has been inertia: accomplishing nothing and being unsure of myself. if it's a growing pain, it's a rough one. i question my storytelling instincts so much, it's hard to get a story off the ground, let alone take it anywhere. i've hit a point where i find the conventions of the romance genre limiting. i still want to write about people in love, though, and i can't reconcile the two. why do some love stories get to be love stories and others are "just romance?" you could ask why it's "just" romance, and that's a good, but different conversation, i think. what are the great love stories saying about the human condition that i'm not? what is my work saying, period? not a whole lot, i'm afraid. i used to be pugnacious about writing from my id brain, about doing it for the fun of it. i worry that's not going to cut it anymore. i have to push myself harder. i also have to stop fretting about being perceived as pretentious for asking these questions.

it would be easier if i had more answers. i'm not sure which project to work on next, because they're all half-formed outlines with plots i don't know how to fill. i'm not sure whether it'd be weird for someone with my job to keep writing or posting fanfic, no matter how informally. i'm not sure what role physical intimacy should play in my writing, if any, because along with everything else, this was the year shame caught up to me. i'm not sure what happened there. i hope the "are sex scenes necessary" debate didn't get me, because i'd argue for their artistic merit any day. but when i do it, i worry that it's indiscreet somehow, like i'm revealing myself in ways that make strangers uncomfortable. some days i feel like going through my backlog of published work and tearing out all the sex-adjacent content like a power-mad inquisitor. i won't, because i'd regret it, but i spend a lot of time being embarrassed. it's embarrassing. i can't escape the feeling that people don't want to know that about me.

despite it all, it's still bad form to end on a down note, so i'll leave you with this: after five years, i finally got into physical therapy for my arm. i told my doctor the whole sob story and she put in a referral to a hand/occupational clinic. will it help? i don't know. i've tried so many things that haven't. but they're optimistic that i'm in better shape than i think - i've heard a lot of "wow, we get patients who can't even open a jar!" - so it's worth a shot. if it means i can draw a little more, it's something. i still make time for the picrew every day. ever onward. thanks for hanging in there with me, guys. you keep things interesting.

[ghost-proofbaby]

GHOST'S "OPEN BAR" 3K CELEBRATION

as a way to say thank you and show my appreciation for hitting 3k, i decided it's about time for a party around here... don't y'all? and what better way to get a party started than to get a little boozy! (haha get it? BOOzy? because ghost? no? okay i'll stop.)

THE RULES: below the cut will be a fun menu filled to the brim with delicious drinks! send me an ask with your order, and as long as it follows my general rules, i'll whip it right up for you! the idea here is each drink represents a different general trope, and you fill in the blanks with a character of your choosing (see below) as well as general ideas! below will be examples of requests. i will being doing as many of these requests as possible for this week, from april 3rd (today) to april 8th. starting april 9th, i have a different fun week planned for us to keep the party going, and will announce it on sunday <3

WHO I'M WRITING FOR: eddie munson, steve harrington, spencer reid, and joel miller. you must specify the character in your request, or i will not complete it.

EXAMPLES OF REQUESTS: "hi! can i get a filthy martini with eddie munson? maybe some overstimulation involving toys?" or "can i get a flute of champagne with joel miller? maybe what the end of the day looks like in the QZ!" you can get as specific or as vague as you'd like! these are just examples :-)

also, before we dive in, i've also filled this post with easter eggs towards just a few of my favorite fics/authors (and a couple of my own). i have added a link over each reference in case any of them catch your eye. i wouldn't have hit this milestone without all of these wonderful people who inspire and support me, and there was no way i wasn't sending a nod their way during this event. i love y'all endlessly <3

alright, onwards with the party bus, friends!

THE MENU:

🥃 WILLOW'S OLD-FASHIONED: angst

long week? a new job babysitting a rockstar that just cannot and will not behave? has that blonde coworker you just wish you could slap into the next week gotten on your final nerve? look no further! sit back and cry relax with one of our famous old-fashioneds!

🍷 ASH'S SPECIAL: hurt/comfort

whiskey and bitters not your cup of tea? be still your old heart! no worries! relax like the world's ending from your long week with a good book and a glass of our famous Sauvignon Blanc instead!

🥂 FLUTE OF CHAMPAGNE: fluff

sip on some of our top shelf Dom Perignon and get lost in the bubbles! this classic will have you feeling so good, it's almost as if you've traded bodies with your arch nemesis in a freaky friday ordeal. just don't think too hard about his... mechanics below the belt... or this drink might be a boner killer. let the good times roll!

🍸 FILTHY MARTINI: smut

feeling dirty? look no further. here at ghost's, we've got you covered with one of our dirty, downright filthy martinis. disclaimer: we are not legally responsible for you getting colorfully intimate with your friend's dad or if you end up in a 3-film-box-set porno deal. yeah, our lawyers make us put those disclaimers now. keep it in your pants, folks!

not looking to get tipsy tonight? no worries! check out our extended menu options - we've still got you covered <3

☕ CUP OF SUNSHINE: mutual pining

get it hot! get it iced! get it fresh! as long as you get it before it's gone! wake yourself up with a cup of our coffee brewed in-house. cream and sugar available upon request. (hot and dirty sex in the back room not available upon request.)

🥐 KARMEN'S CROISSANTS: exes to lovers

be sure to grab a snack during your night out! these croissants are absolutely to die for (just don't fall for your reaper, folks!). enjoy this lamented pastry in our favorite armchair by the window while enjoying one of our many books laid out for your pleasure!

easter eggs i'm unable to tag (aka banner):

the "yes" policy

and my own twenty-four hours

also, filthy martini is fully a shout out to the legend behind the man of the hour who has inspired a large majority of these fics as well as my own - mr. joseph quinn himself. may all his martinis be the absolute filthiest.

once again, thank you all. i will never know how to repay the kindness showed to me, so i will do what i do best - write. also, please keep in mind i have no idea how many requests i will receive. my hope is to complete as many as possible without driving myself to absolute madness; please be kind and patient with me <3

[my-unorthodox-life]

shabbat shalom everyone i hope all is well!

this is long blog post about classes and anon hate so some is under the cut for space and what y'all are comfy hearing about

service was beautiful like always, was a little withdrawn today (coworker said some rude stuff that put a bad taste in my mouth earlier) but i got to chat with my buddy who's doing conversion classes with me and set up more meetings with my rabbi.

ugh i wish i could write down all my thoughts on the service like im going to study it later, this week was what i needed and i just want to have it on replay, yanno?

sunday is week two of for fun classes, so i'm excited to do more kabbalah work, i have a lot of side blogs (i like organizing and themes) and the antisemites found my blog that has mentions of my therapy and EMDR journey so that's been...fun. nothing like hyper specific death threats from faceless strangers

the words themselves don't hurt me, but the fact that someone out there is comfortable enough and full of enough hatred to say those things unprompted to strangers just because their face and name isn't known is scary and depressing if that makes sense. it's hard to wrap my head around people making ethnic cleansing "jokes" (?? maybe i don't really know what they think they're doing) and commenting on someone's mental state negatively and still thinking you're in the right. as if calling me fat and telling me to kill myself is helping stop the war

like you can think i'm a gross zionist cow all you want but either say it to my face unveiled or keep it to yourself. i guess it's just hard for me to understand what prompts someone to have that much anger in their life. but if nothing else judaism is a compassionate practice, so i pray they see the error in their ways and get help for what's truly bothering them in life.

but then again if it's a midwestern gay jewish man causing them this much hurt and strife, then i commend them, for having such a lavish lifestyle that little old me is their biggest problem. what a blessing that must be

peace and love friends 🕊️🫶

[mechalink]

reading through the amphibia tag and watching people analyze things through the very specific lens of their own belief of what things look like being the only way they can be

point the first: grief is weird and messy and complicated. people you have known your entire life can not hit you for months, you could be crying over a coworker you've known for 4 months. you can cry over your abuser and father of two of your children dying to old age, you can have no reaction to a soldier dying side by side with you, but write books about the nature of war later.

to say someone in denial that doesn't cry it out onscreen, but does overwork herself to near death and become hyperprotective means the writers aren't respecting grief or their feelings is simply a 'does not logically follow'. reasoning about what is 'realistic' requires knowing what happens for real around a phenomenon, otherwise it's just 'that's not how I would have done it'

homework: read this and consider how it doesn't match, or does, your concept of grief. look at people's responses to it. consider how you would show that in a show for 13 year Olds, and how it wouldn't look wholly dissimilar to Sasha in S2 and S3, or Anne in S3, with different focuses to distract them:

point the second: just because some characters obviously deserve better, and others have to be shown to deserve better, does not mean the first characters don't matter. do teenagers with bad coping mechanisms deserve love and friendship and freedom? obviously, what kind of person world say differently? anyone who would needs to think real hard about how they treat teens.

but does a 1000 year old executor of their kingdom's colonist history and literal hivemind's subject deserve a chance to reject it, and perhaps become a better person? that's an argument you have to make onscreen because the answer is not an obvious yes! maybe you still don't think they should! but it would be ridiculous for them to not argue it.

also people should consider not minimizing or ignoring the parts of the show that do what they wish the show did. having anne hide her search history in the quarantine song is prelude to her obsession, again and again she pushes to progress the quest home, ignoring her health, her community, her family, and the law, and so many people go 'well, she can't possibly care about her friends stuck in amphibia'.

your bad analysis, and requirement for a show to specifically match your own model of what a thing looks like or else it did nothing is a failure of critical analysis. you need to compare it to a broad scope of reasonable models, and the 'denial while working yourself to death and higher danger' model is perhaps one of the most common ones in media. to ignore it in a media analysis of grief is a fatal flaw

to demand a show spend time on each character and their threads in proportion not to the show's needs, and general normal moral positions, but instead to how much you personally would have enjoyed them, is not crit analysis, it's your preference. go write fanfic about it. don't treat it as absolute and obvious failure of a specific media. sashannarcy is fucking popular. ignore andrias all you want. or don't.

like teenagers and many people, you can be better. consider the concept of a critical lens, and what your 'default' lens looks like. consider learning and using different lenses, especially Doyle-ist ones, when judging whether a show did the 'right' or 'wrong' thing

[sadfruittheatre-rp]

Bragi has some Fucking Opinions (TM) about his coworkers. Some are stronger than others.

U1

Anat: Bragi really looks up to Anat. He wants to BE Anat. He's so perfect and handsome and good at his job and he wants some of that to rub off on him so bad. The only downside is that he thinks the guy is extremely boring.

Iwan: He finds Iwan really hard to read, but he respects his work.

Awamo: He seems pretty respectable, but he's never gotten to really talk to him.

U2

Pell: Loud old man. Bragi finds him incredibly annoying. He's even more annoying when he and Heles really get going.

Heles: He thinks she has good taste, and they'd probably actually get along fairly well if given the chance. He can only handle her in small doses though, especially with Pell.

Sour: Bragi finds him weirdly serious by comparison. He sort of wishes he'd reign the other two in a little more.

U3

Eyre: Bragi is too much of a normie by comparison to understand him. Finds him to be a bit of a little sanctimonious know-it-all. Pot, meet kettle.

Mule: Very big (as Mosco). Very unreadable. The idea of trying to talk to him stresses him out a bit.

Camparri: Bragi's not too sure what he's actually like, considering he spends most of the time translating for Mosco.

U4

The vibes are just off all around. Very shady. He hates that they're next to each other in the order and is both mentally and literally scooting away at any given opportunity.

U5 (He's from here!!!)

Ogma: Made a whole post about them here. He respects her quite a lot.

Arack: Definitely not someone he feels comfortable approaching too casually, but he thinks he's really smart and good at what he does.

Cukatail: He likes Cukatail well enough. Bragi was initially pretty intimidated by them at first, but isn't anymore. The two get along fairly well.

U6

Fuwa: Bragi's not sure what's worse, when Fuwa isn't fired up, or when he is. When he's not, he's annoyingly absent-minded, and when he is, he's annoyingly loud. Not a fan.

Champa: These two would get along so well if they weren't both so fussy. As it stands, Bragi finds him incredibly immature and annoying, even if he respects the man's taste in beverages.

Vados: Out of all the angels, he finds her to be the most terrifying. Having seen her interact with Champa, he knows she could playfully roast him into oblivion without batting an eye. He does not want to give her a reason.

U7

Shin: Any time Bragi finds something in U7 he doesn't like, he lowkey wants to shake Shin like "WHY DID YOU MAKE THIS EXIST," but he also understands that the guy is incompletely trained, and he's become a little more sympathetic to that.

Old Kai: EXPLODING HIM WITH HIS MIND

Kibito: Way too scary to approach. He's so BIG. And FROWNY. No way.

Beerus: Bragi does not respect this man. Fears him, certainly, but does not respect him. Lazy, arrogant, irresponsible. Not a fan.

Whis: Lowkey wants to go on a culinary adventure with him someday, but he knows that would mean bringing Beerus along. He'll just keep those dreams in his head for now.

U8

Iru: Respects his work, but finds him way too silly, in that sort of "grandpa pretends to believe you're still in kindergarten as a joke" kind of way. Being from a paired universe, Bragi's had the most interaction with him out of any of the other Kais outside his universe.

Liquiir: Not a bad guy! At the very least, he can appreciate how well he and Iru work together.

Korn: A bit too haughty for his liking, but he can't complain too much, given how well that Universe runs.

U9

Roh: Another loud old man. He hates him most out of all his fellow kais, but he plays nice when going to see his friend Veroa. (In a shitpost AU he's literally Bragi's dad, we joked that Roh's how he'd turn out if he never got his shit together lmao)

Sidra: Bragi pities this man. He'd be much better off as a Kai, probably. At the very least, not a God of Destruction. It's genuine pity though, not like, derogatory pity. Though maybe a little derogatory.

Mojito: Bragi pities him the most. He's clearly got his work cut out for him, and every time he sees him, he just mentally goes, "I sure am glad I'm not working there."

U10

Gowasu: He feels bad for Gowasu. Bragi thinks he's a bit incompetent as a teacher, but seems like an otherwise decent person. They'd probably get along pretty well, actually, talking over GodTube and tea.

Zamasu: Used to absolutely idolize the guy. Zamasu did nothing wrong and all that. But now he thinks hating mortals is cringe. Stop being cringe, Zamasu. If he ever tried to redeem himself though, Bragi would be very sympathetic because oof he can relate lmao

Rumsshi: TOO LOUD. Too brash. Too obnoxious. Way too scared to ever tell him that. 0/10.

Cus: Seems fun! He definitely feels like she's way too cool to hang out with him, though.

U11

Khai: Thinks he's kind of mean and it makes him really uncomfortable. Khai feels like a Popular Mean Girl to him.

Belmod: Nope. Nope. Nope nope nope nope. Sure, the guy has very strong and respectable morals, but he carries an aura that Bragi finds highkey unsettling.

Marcarita: Not as intimidating as Vados. but he gets a similar feeling that she could tease him pretty intensely if she wanted.

U12

Agu: Seems nice enough. He hasn't had to deal with him too much, but he clearly does good work.

Giin: Seems like a nice guy overall, Bragi respects his cleverness.

Martinu: Seems like she'd be fairly approachable, but he's not too sure because he hasn't had the opportunity.

Zeno: Absolutely fucking terrified beyond words. He's never actually gotten to see Zeno in person, though. He's generally not important enough for that. Were there not this huge power dynamic tho they'd probably get along well, kids like Bragi lmao

[cometothecatbureau]

So for context I live in Canada and maybe things are different here idk. But I work as an early childhood educator, meaning all the children in my care are aged newborn to around five years old. Taking pictures is an important part of my work because it allows us to document important or special moments in a child's day to share with families at pick up time.

The thing is though, we are NOT allowed to share these images publicly. Like at all. Unless we have explicit parental/caregiver consent. Like they have to sign a legally binding contract allowing us to use their child's face.

The same rule also applies if you happen to be a working student, like I am currently. I have to take a lot of pictures for my assignments to prove I'm actually doing them. If I want to include a child's face in my assignments, which will be seen by my professors and professors only, again it's the same thing. I need parental/caregiver consent, signed, dated and sealed before my professor even thinks about opening the assignment.

There are work arounds for this of course. I often use photopea to blur out children's faces, even in profile if I can't get a parental consent form signed in time. I will also try to take pictures of the children that can in no way identify them , ie. I will take a picture of a child's hands squishing play-dough or a top down picture of them playing in the play kitchen or something. These are kosher because again, no identifying features.

I do all of this gladly no matter how inconvenient it can be for two different reasons. For one, children's privacy matters. Children are people. People have a right to privacy. Not just an expectation, but a right. For another, the children cannot consent to having their pictures posted. Even with my older kids in the after school program who know about the internet and could verbally consent to having things posted, I wouldn't put them out there. Because they're still too young to really understand the scope of how large the internet is, how many people could see them and that with the internet forever is forever.

Finally, I work in kind of a rough area. We have a lot of families and a lot of kids going through some shit. We've had families texted pictures of their own front doors accompanied by messages threatening kindap during custody disagreements. We've had parents escape abusive situations and send us pictures of their abuser so we know to call the cops immediately if they show up. We've had parents with no contact orders on their kids because of suspected abuse charges pending, and that's just in the last three years I've worked there.

And yet in spite of all this shit, because we're a lab school in the basement of the community college, when we take the kids outside or on walks through campus grounds there are so many randos just whipping out their phones to snap pictures because they think the kids are cute or funny or whatever. And then they catch an attitude when myself or my coworker speak to them sharply and tell them they legally cannot take pictures of the kids. It's also not just the younger students too. I've seen parents of the children I work with who happen to be students doing this and they're mostly well into their 30's. It's just become so normalized that half the time they aren't even thinking and I wish they would.

Like part of me is tempted to start carrying around those consent forms and giving them to anyone I see with a random camera out trying to take pictures of my work kids just so they can understand how serious it actually is. Additionally, I had a stalker once upon a time. He's thankfully since fucked off to Phoenix and can't get at me anymore. But there was a time in my life where he was actively liking pictures I was tagged in because my friends privacy settings were less harsh than mine and he wanted to let me know he could still find me.

You don't know what people's situations are whenever you take out a camera, though honestly not wanting to have your picture taken is good enough reason without explanation. Maybe I just don't want a picture of me with my hair a mess in a cartoon scrub top and snot rubbed on my pants circulating the internet.

It’s so fucked up how tiktok culture has made clout-poisoned people turn the public into content, every day I see people minding their business have their entire faces put online for thousands of likes, a couple kissing on the train, a lady dancing across a cross walk, a guy nodding his head to the music at a club, a lady buying a banana at the store, ring camera footage of the neighbors kids being stupid. Just let people live jfc

[theabyrae]

So I have a cousin that has fallen deep into the conspiracy theory circle. All her FB posts are about chem trails, the deep state, etc. I could block her but honestly, I keep her around because she is an absolute LOLcow.

Like when in early February 2022, she got her credit card cloned after buying a whole crate of some "juice" of some sketchy website. Said "juice" was supposed to detox your body from the Covid vaccine.

And then a few days later, she received a remote starter for her car (that she bought on Wish), and had one of her friends install it on her car. Her car would not turn on afterwards. So she had to get her car towed to her mechanic so he could remove the shitty remote starter and fix the damage it did to her car.

And then she bought a new cell phone. Read the instructions on some (sketchy) website about how to remove the 5G on it so the government could neither get her data like her name, address, and birthday (... They already have it? Bitch's been working and paying her taxes since the 80's), nor track her location. Guess what happened? Yup. Messed up her brand new phone so bad that even a factory reset didn't fix it. Had to buy a brand new phone at the full price, and she's still paying off the other one because she took a 3 years contract.

And then, at the end of the month, she got her new credit card after Visa deactivated her other one that got cloned. She proceeds to get that one cloned as well after donating money to... You guessed it! A sketchy website that was (supposedly) collecting funds for the family of one of her conspirationist buddies that died in Costa Rica, so they could get his body sent back to Canada and to pay for his funerals. Think GoFundMe, but as a Russian phishing website full of malware.

So... Yeah. I'm laughing my ass off at her. Although I don't know if it's the conspiracy theory part of her or the "I'm a Boomer/Gen X cusp baby" part of her that made her blame the poor work ethics of two of her Gen Z coworkers on the good old Covid vaccine. Maybe it's both.

[fmp1nicomartin-hahn]

Part 1 of Story - The Raptors Of Vikesh

(This is a first draft, there maybe changes to it in the future).

[Update August 2024: There are going to quite a lot of changes, but I still want to keep a few features in place].

Chapter 1: Human World

[Blank] is an only child and has always wanted to have siblings. Everyone of their friends would groan and deem them lucky to not be troubled by them. They never saw it that way; once they’d grown up, they felt lonelier than ever, with their parents wanting them to move out once they were old enough. Yes, they had nice coworkers at their job, but once at home, it just felt so claustrophobic.

One day after work, while walking home, they noticed a scratch card nuzzled into a patch of snow that had landed there the day before (it’s winter time). Picking it up, they read the header, Hade’s Wishes. What a weird name they thought to themselves; either way, they decided to take it home with them. Once they had eaten, they decided to sit on the couch and finally see what this scratch card was about.

Looking at the back, they started reading, ‘Why Hello, random winner! What have you won, you may think? It’s in the name silly, one of my wishes, which is only granted once in a millennium. Yes, you are very lucky indeed. Here are my instructions to get your wish: Please scratch all parts at the front of the card and read out the incantation. Once done, you’ll be able to ask for your wish. See you soon, little one.'

"Wait a wish, an actual wish; I can finally get my dream." [Blank] followed the first instruction for a furious amount of time, slowly reading the incantation to make sure it was properly pronounced. All of a sudden, a sharp light came from the card, inhaling [Blank] too.

Chapter 2: The Change

"Hello, little one, you finally arrived." The new voice startled [Blank], not knowing who it was from or where they were. "Oh, it's okay; there is no reason to be scared after all your here for your wish, right?" [Blank] nodded in agreement. "Good, so what is your wish then, little one?" [Blank] with a stuttering pace asked their wish, "I know it may be silly, but I wish for siblings.”

"My, that is the first time I've heard of a wish like that. Don't worry; it is not a bad thing. I can definitely give you what you want, but it will mean there will be a few changes to oneself."

"Um, what would these changes be, if I may ask?" [Blank] asked. "Well, we'll need to change that physical form of yours; sadly, I can't give you siblings in your home world, but I can in another universe." 

"Another universe, so I'm leaving my home and planet completely then." 

"Yes, I'm sorry if that saddens you, little one, but that is the only way you can achieve your wish." 

"Okay, I agree to your path, if I have to guess... Hades." 

"I may grant you your wish now; please don't panic once it is complete. You'll understand once you've fully awakened. Also, quick thing, you'll also have a new name, Kleptés."

Chapter 3: The New World

[Blank] was enveloped in light and instantly went into a deep sleep. Their form is changing to fit their new environment. 

Waking up to the sound of slow wave crashes, they slowly rose to their feet. Looking down on their form, they now had slightly shorter arms covered in scales, feathers, and fur, as well as longer legs. They went to the shore edge to look at their reflection, now seeing themselves as raptors or whatever. They were very shocked by their new form, and they made a loud screeching noise. 

"Wait, wait, calm down, Kleptés. Hades told you to not panic; everything will be understood soon, hopefully." Hearing plants russle behind them, they make a very harsh turn to not be surprised and jump by what may come out. Soon, a boar came running out, looking frightened. Kleptés was a little startled, but once they noticed it was heading right for them, they knew they had to move quickly. 

Moving to the side, so the boar would run into the shore. Another two big russles came from the bushes—two raptors like Kleptés. The lighter one slips and falls face-first into the sand. 

"Hey, what are you doing? Grab that boar before it escapes." The darker-coloured of the two yelled at Kleptés. 

"Ummm…why?" 

"Why, that's our hunt, you idiot; what did you bump your head on a rock or something?" 

"Okay, okay, I'll catch it." 

Moving into the shore and catching up to the boar, Kleptés grabs the boar by the neck with their jaw and brings it back to the beach. It was riggling, trying to get away. 

"Kleptés, just kill it already; you need to stop being so merciful to our prey." 

Finally standing up from the fall. 

"Yeah, I'm hungry." The lighter one whined. 

Kleptés is now biting harder into the boar's neck until it stops moving, and then placing it onto the sand.

"YAAY FOOD, also good job, Kleptés!" 

"If I may, what are your names?" Kleptés was wondering how these two knew their names but didn't know theirs. 

"Man, you really did bump your head on a rock, didn't you? Fine, I'm Ozul, your big brother, remember?" 

"And I'm Lux, the younger one of us three, even though we are all the same age." The lighter one said while stuffing their face. 

"Now eat!" 

Ozul leans down on the boar's body and gets his share of it. 

Kleptés wasn't as sure, but in the end, they hesitantly leaned down to eat.

Chapter 4: Routine

“Kleptés, you're done now. I don’t want any others to sniff the hunt out.” They nod and lift their heads to show that they’re finished. Lux and Ozul look like they’re ready to go somewhere; what are we going to do now? 

“Ozul… What are we doing now?” 

“What do you think we’re doing—our daily routine, of course?” Ozul stammers at them. 

“Hey, calm down, Ozul. Kleptés just doesn’t feel well; they probably got a concussion or something. Just give them a break, okay? Let them settle back into routine.” Lux quickly chants back. 

“Uhhhh, fine, but I’m going!” Running back into the forest and leaving the two alone. 

“Come on, let’s go; he just needs to calm down for a bit. He’s been quite worried about you for a while now; of course I have, but I know this will just be for a short while, and then you’ll be back into the swing of things.” 

“Ok.” Kleptés mummers out. 

Still wandering through the forest, Kleptés takes into account each detail. Listening to the bugs and other creatures rustling throughout it. The scent of each plant creates one of the most refreshing aromas Kleptés has ever smelt in their life. Being used to a slightly polluted city, this is definitely a massive change. Finally, he caught up to Ozul, who had stopped and was now standing at a waterfall. The pool of water below is the clearest, meaning you can see every single fish living within it. 

Ozul wanders into a depth where he is still able to stand. Lux was jumping in, with Ozul rolling his eyes at him with an unimpressed expression. Kleptés decided to walk in like Ozul, just to be on the safe side. Lux went playing in the pool and splashing water at Kleptés, doing the same while Ozul preened himself.

After some time, they all left the pool and shook themselves off of any water that was contained in their fur. Once dry, Ozul took charge as usual and told the two to come further into the forest. Lux knew where Ozul was taking them, and Kleptés could tell from the change in Lux’s mood that this wasn’t going to be fun.

[n0resistance]

Puti 

     One time, I was with my old coworker at my old job and we were just talking. He was raised half in Brooklyn and half in Asia. I told him I was half Filipino and by looking at me, I  obviously look Caucasian. He looked at me and said, I wish I had a white dad. I reacted, and said, “excuse me? What does that even mean?

    He said, “you know what I mean a chill not so strict white dad that lets you do whatever you want.” I’ve never really thought about it until that moment. He wasn’t wrong. My dad was chill, not strict, and let me be on my own from a young age. Where I really did need structure. We were all surviving at the time but I lost the disciplined, strict, hard to deal with Asian parent that really cares about taking care of you. 

    A lot of my life I resented him for not being that way. I was home a lone since he worked a lot. He let me stay at my friend’s place for days, I went to college and although most of my life I thought I planted the seed that I was going to be a nurse. That when it didn’t work out, he didn’t yell at me for it. He was totally okay with me following my dreams and my passion, even though I didn’t know what that was. Just as long as I didn’t need him to survive. He helped me out until I turned 21 but after that I couldn’t live at home nor did I see any money, even if I was broke. I mean we agreed, I’d get some help with bills until I got a degree and then that was the moment I became an adult. 

     This Asian kid that wishes he had a white dad, still lived at home. & we don’t really talk but he might still live at home, and the money he makes is for something else. Maybe to one day own property, a business, or go to school. Or maybe he just spends it on alcohol and drugs. (I don’t think so, he’s respectful and smart, but he could). Or maybe he sends money home to Asia. But he is taken care of to an extent. He will probably never worry about paying rent on time or ever as long as he’s there. But he has to clean the house, maybe has a curfew, and has to obey his parents. Like they may have to approve of his girlfriend, or maybe what he chooses to study, maybe he has to help out family. 

    The one thing I could say is without that push of being kicked out. Would I be as self sufficient as I am today? Like if my mom never passed away. She was really there for us and I feel she would still she support me. Taking care was her nature and she did it well. Would I be a nurse? Even though seeing blood makes me want to vomit? Would I be an obedient kid. My mom hated winter and wanted to live in Florida or go back to the Philippines. Would I finish high school in the Philippines? Or Florida?

    A lot was cut off from my life when she died, it was too sad. Filipino parties, our family friends, and I remember feeling she was gone. No more parties, or Christmas, or home cooked Filipino food. 

    Maybe I’d just lose that identity, if it weren’t for my siblings, it really may would have dissipated. That if my family was small, I would remember it solely if I met another Filipino person, and that would always make me sad. Our family is tight knit but that’s only half of me. In Filipino culture, we always think of family. Money there is different, you can make it if you have your own business or come from a wealthy family. 

    However, people don’t work like we do here. We put work over everything here. They have a strong sense of community. Stressing and living paycheck to paycheck  is non existent, I assume. Over there you live with your family. & Family values is the big thing I appreciate about being Filipino. 

     If you ever watched the movie “Fools Rush In” with Mathew Perry (rip )and Selma Hayek. About two people who don’t know each other and are having a baby together. She’s Mexican And he’s Caucasian. She says “family to you is getting through a holiday once a year”. Some families that is their culture. We work a lot, we’re tired, wana get drunk with our friends and keep it light.

    Some families have a party every weekend with good food and good times. They fight but live together. They are codependent. And there is a balance between my polar opposite sides. 

     My balance for myself has been New York. The place where it’s easy to have your own identity. Hop jobs, and groups of people, you never have to have the same meal twice in this city. Sometimes you can even forget your old identity. Maybe for a second. 

    Now I just wana hone everything. Hone the artist identity, the entrepreneur, hustler, socialite, friend, the filmmaker, the concierge. Because really the things I love to do I really love to do. I’m thankful for the opportunity to make that consistent in my life. That has actually been valuable to me. I also will always know even though I have my boyfriend and a few good friends where I know I could stay on their couch. 

    However I know….That if I ever mess up. Not make enough money to pay my bills or lose a job or jobs. Or am stuck financially. From taxes, stocks, or anything like that. Nobody will save me. And weirdly enough that is a comforting place to be. 

    Because if nobody saves you, the less likely you are to mess up. You have to rely on you. It makes me an overall reliable human. I designed my entire life from scratch, so if things don’t work out, I really don’t have anyone else to blame. 

    It makes me think when I have kids. When would I stop taking care of them. Is it right after highschool, or college, is there a limit. Is there a way to communicate that they have to be on their own. It seems difficult but transparency is probably the best way. The way to do it, I don’t know if there’s ever a safe way but either way it must be done at some point. 

    I also think, if my mom, the woman who was so good at taking care of me was still around. I would’ve given her a big hug and leave her when the time was right. Only to come back to let her know what I was accomplishing and to let her know I am fine. Right now I just get to tell my dad, things are really hard but I’m getting through it, and he will always say “that is great”, like the chill dad he is.

[maspers]

So I decided to try my hand at creative writing

Don always wakes up at 5:30 each morning. Enough time to go for a jog, shower, and eat breakfast, before heading to work at 7. Working in the management team for a stationary company is occasionally scary (Don does not deal well with bright colors) but is still rather fulfilling. A quiet life, a change of pace from his youth. Don is well liked in the workplace, often taking his coworkers out to lunch. He's able to do this because of the nest egg he's got saved up. Technically, Don would be pretty close to retiring, but he doesn't want to. Sure, he's getting on in years, but he needs something to do. A slow, quiet life. Just enough activity to keep things exciting for an old timer like him. 

Work ends at 3. Don likes his shift. Gives him most of the afternoon to go fishing. He's planning on having steak and stout pie for dinner. A newer recipe, one that Don found online. It'll take a while to prep, but Don has the time. Taking things slow is exhilarating in its own way. Don has learned that it's not necessarily about the destination, but rather it is about the journey. You never know what could happen. Maybe the Steak will need more spices. Maybe he'll need to make a substitution because he forgot one of the vegetables. The possibilities are endless. Then, at around 7:30, Don plans on going to bed. Sure, it's a bit early. But his health has been holding out well despite his age, and Don hopes to keep it that way. Oh yes, Don thinks as he drives home from work in his '04 Corolla. This is going to be another relaxing day. 

But his hopes are dashed when he sees the pickup truck out front, on the driveway. The driver has a reputation, but thankfully Don's recently-trimmed rhododendrons are still intact. The driver stands outside, accompanied by two others. His belt has expanded a size, and his beard has grown out and turned pepper gray, but the gallon hat on his head still looks brand new. He looks up and gives Don a sympathetic smile. 

The young woman next to him has a much more sour look on her face. Don didn't think the girl could grow up, but here she stands, clad in a sweater and capri pants. Her red hair is a darker, browner shade, but it's clear she takes care of it. Her scowl of disapproval has always seemed a permanent fixture. 

Jack, of course, looks the same as he always has.

"No," Don groans. "I'm not doing this again."

"Aw, come on pardner," the Driver says. "You know we wouldn't have come if we didn't need ya." 

"I still say we *don't* need him, for the record." says the girl. 

"Don't be so frosty," Jack corrects her, kindly. He turns to Don. "We really are sorry, Don. We wish it didn't have to be this way. We've all got lives too, you know."

"Then go back to them," Don refutes. "We're not friends anymore, Jack. None of us were to begin. We were rivals, all of us bickering and fighting. You three only started acting all friendly when I said I was done."

"Hmph. Believe me, if I could turn around and go back home to Jimmy instead of hanging out with you old fogies I would," the young woman complains.

"Honestly, I don' disagree." The driver looks solemnly at his truck. "I mostly use this ol thing for hauling turnips these days. But see, there's a problem a-brewin, and the four of us are the only ones around to deal with it."

"And what would that be?" Don asked. 

Jack's unmoving eyes pierce through him. "The King is back."

Don groans again. "How?"

The girl rolls her eyes. "Does it matter? He's back, and we need to take him down. For good this time."

"Last time, we were all fighting amongst ourselves. When he finally went down, we were all too distracted by each other to make sure that we'd actually finished the job. This time, if we all work together, we could take him down easy. A simple job. In and out."

"Don't say those words," the girl mutters under her breath, "You'll jinx us."

"And there's really nobody else?" Don asks

"Who else is there?" the driver asks in return. "Bunch of naive young'uns and withered corpses that make the lot of us look young. And more importantly, is there anyone besides you that we can be confident in? Everyone else is variable. You, pardner, were always guaranteed to do what needed to be done."

Don walked over to the truck. He looked in the back. Burgers. Sodas. Fries. An assortment of sandwiches and breakfast goods. Ice cream in cups. It wasn't much. 

"It was all we could scrounge together on a short notice," Jack explains. "None of us really went out of our way to stockpile. We all thought we were done, like you. But it should be enough."

"It won't be enough," Don says. "Not how it is. You need sauce. Mac sauce, and lots of it. Get a heat lamp set up, keep the food warm. You need at least twice that amount of nuggets. And for heaven's sake, put some salt on those fries."

"So does that mean yer in?" the driver asks. 

Don turns, and looks over at his house. A quiet life. Grays and browns. He hadn't even gotten to put his steak and stout pie in the oven. He'd have to cash in some vacation days too. Don didn't want to leave it behind. 

But the house wasn't going anywhere. And as much as Don hated to admit it, his former peers were right. He was needed. He couldn't trust this job in the hands of anyone else. 

He turns back. "Fine. But we better make this quick."

Jack's unmoving smile seems a tad more genuine. The driver whoops a yeehaw. "Let's get yer stuff loaded up!" he proclaims. 

The young woman quickly hides her own small grin. "Hurry it up, then," she says angrily "I know you keep your food frozen, you heathen. Get it thawing."

Don smiles, and rolls his eyes as he goes to get his old work clothes. He'd never admit it, but he's missed this. He puts on his old suit. The yellow is a bit faded, but it'll do. He finishes packing up, then they all pile into the truck. 

Then Arby, Wendy, Jack, and Ronald McDonald went out to save the world. One last time.

[aphrodita-from-foam]

**** Feel free to ignore this if it's too much; I just had to get it out and this is a rash decision to send it but here goes nothing - you know who**** If I ever saw you again I don’t know how I’d react. Our last sighting was under horrible circumstances, I’m sorry for blind sighting you like that. I don’t know how much you know or how private things had to be, but I was a mess every time I saw you, I hate how everything happened. We’ll never fully make sense to me, but I think I’ve known that from the start. I found all my old poetry from 2016. (What a sucker punch) I’ve been thinking of publishing a collection eventually so I’m interspersing some old with the new (but not the ones for you, I can’t bring myself to do it) Why do I still write to you? I don’t have a clear answer there. I don’t even know if I’ll gather the courage to leave this for you. She knows everything, which is why I can’t respond to you. It's been quite the rollercoaster of a year. I really didn’t expect to get to the point where I’d be making you an accidental visit like that... It's been a rough few months. It’s been twice not once, I just opted out of inpatient the second time. How did they let me get away with that? Unclear. I guess I’m good with words. I’m taking the semester off of school to get my meds under control. I don’t have to be telling you any of this, but I know you care and as much as I don’t speak it I still care too. I think I always will. But we crossed a line. If we had tiptoed a little softer, If I could have just been honest with her from the start, Who knows where we would be? Colleagues? Friends? Confidants? Who knows what we could ever be now? Only time will tell. I’m just writing this to say that even though it’s been dark, I am alive and well. I hope the same goes for you. I can’t contact you any other way, but I’ve thought of leaving you something for some time now, I just didn’t know what to say or how to even say it. I want the best of everything in the world for you and I always will. Looking at the old writings is still gut-wrenching because it was so intense. One of your lines has stuck in my head and will never leave: I was real, and I was here, with you. That’ll never go away. I hope your life is full of love and laughter and if this is in ill taste and causes pain then to believe me, I’m sorry. That’s not my intention. I just know that you know I was in pain and didn’t know what to do or say nor were you allowed to, and I don’t want you to worry. I don’t know how much your coworkers are allowed to tell you, but it was an emotional stay knowing you were so close. I don’t say that to be rude, it’s because I wanted to talk to you but couldn’t. I guess here is where I’ll end. Good luck in everything you put your passion towards, anyone will be forever lucky to have you. Maybe one day we’ll meet again, and if we don’t I hope you keep the songs. I’ll never forget anything.

Thank you for writing. It’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry for having pushed the boundaries between us. I’m going inpatient for a while myself and also took the semester off- what a wild year this has been- I miss talking to you, I miss seeing you and holding you. I wish I was in your life- in whatever capacity… I’m doing a lot of step work as well, sex and love addicts anon, it’s a great program and they have helped me heal so so much. I’m happy to know you are alive and prioritizing your mental health- it has helped me son much to cut back several hours of work and take a break from school. I’m single now, for the first time in a long time and this time- I am okay with it… I’ve been rediscovering myself and learning to love myself and be kind to myself.

I have so much love and softness for you. I talked about you just the other day to a close friend- told him how much my heart yearns for you, but how we always get our timing wrong.

I fear you may be my life long “almost” and “what if”, it’s painful to think of all the lovely scenarios we could have been, but through the program and (a lot) of therapy, I’ve been accepting the fate of what we are.

I believe you in you. I love you, even after everything and only want the happiness and kindness you give to the world for yourself.

Publish your beautiful work, fall in love with yourself, grow, nurture, and heal.

Forever yours,

Lola.

[alyjojo]

Love Reading 🫀- August 2023 - Sagittarius

Singles:

Overall energy: Page of Swords

How you will meet: 3 Pentacles

How they will treat you: Strength

Long-term Potential: King of Wands

Oracle: Surf the serenity 🏄

You probably work with this person, or you’re friends, maybe old schoolmates, there’s a feeling of productive appreciation with 3 Pentacles, friends or coworkers with a crush or something. This person is going to turn out to be a missed opportunity or it’s unrequited from the start, it’s like you meet them, the fire is lit 🔥, and they’re gone just as fast. Gone as in…getting married, moving away, committing to some other person, there’s definitely another person in the mix. I don’t even get a move was made. This could be switched too, but their messages point to them having someone else.

With how they treat you being Strength & 3 Swords, I get them either picking up on your attraction, or feeling it too, and bolting before any harmful actions followed the feelings. I’m not sure how they feel, and neither do you. Long term, you will heal from this fleeting attraction/obsession, and possibly meet someone else that takes your mind off of this other person until you don’t even think about it anymore. Or…maybe you keep stalking, keep in contact, waiting to shoot your shot with the first one. That’s possible too - Page of Swords. But I don’t see it going anywhere.

Messages -

Their side:

- This was only temporary for me.

- I won’t leave my family for you.

Your side:

- Reckless Spender 🤑

- I need a BREAK from this.

Signs you may be dealing with:

Libra, Leo, Scorpio & Capricorn

Couples:

Overall energy: Death

Current: 8 Swords rev & The Lovers

Challenge: 3 Swords

How they feel about you: Queen of Wands

How you feel about them: 2 Swords & 2 Cups

Outcome: 8 Pentacles

There is a 3rd party situation here, and with you having Children in the messages, I assume it’s you leaving a whole family dynamic for a lover. This would be the lover, not the past person. You seem to have been honest with this person about your situation, there’s clear communication between you, and you’re ending this other relationship…which may not have been a happy one for some time, 10 Cups rev., or that could be because of this. The challenge is, even making the move, you’re still heartbroken to start over somewhere else. I’m sure the past person is having something to say & there’s some sadness there too. You seem to be completely aware of the effect this is having on not just you, but the ex and any children involved as well, if there are any, your oracles point towards being held accountable for your actions.

Even if it wasn’t a happy relationship, there was something real there, maybe a family. This new person is ecstatic (they always are), but you’re grieving to a point, which shows you’re not just pretending you don’t have feelings, it’s healthy to have mixed feelings about any ending. You worry whether this is really love, or just passion, but probably not saying that. Your person sees you as sexy & exciting, rushing towards them to start a new life together. Their messages seem genuine, if you need space just say so. You’re not sure how you feel right now. Attraction and passion, yes, but love? For either person? You need some time to think.

Through mid-September, you’ll be much more focused on work and throwing yourself into that, attempting to deal with these feelings while also having to wake up and live life every day. The consequences of your actions may really get to you on a deep level, you almost wish you didn’t care, but you do. Your person is likely to judge you for being in Hermit mode, being quiet, solitary, closed off and less focused on them…probably wasn’t what they were expecting at all. In the back of your mind, you wonder if you’re making a mistake. I don’t get a clear answer for whether you are or not, just that it’s free will here & everything has consequences or karmic lessons, positive and negative, this is just one of yours. You need to not let other people influence what you decide, including friends, family, these people, or whoever you’re gossiping with. Your life.

Messages -

Their side:

- No Hard Feelings

- I imagine us together forever.

- Everything leads me back to you.

Your side:

- Short hair

- Children 🧒

- Gossips too damn much

Oracles - Have a meditation staycation.

Their side:

Try to go one day without complaining, and only affirm the positive.

Be aware that sorrow can shape your soul like fire forges a sword.

Your side: It’s your choice to make life easy or difficult; so choose to live with gratitude, loyalty, and commitment.

Signs you may be dealing with:

Scorpio, Libra, Aquarius, Aries, Virgo & Gemini

[87435678753256732]

MAY '23!!

haillo,

its already June 8th, which means May flew by so quickly. I didn't read or skim past my last entry. mostly because im sure of what I wrote down for April. and its all happy stuff!! im sitting now in the kitchen table of my boyfriends apartment, and it feels a bit strange to complete this entry somewhere public. Athough I have done it at work before everyone arrived, I guess it felt scary but now it feels okay. like there's nothing to worry about. I will be starting school soon, around three months to be exact. Im feeling different emotions, but im sure about what im doing. sometimes my autistic traits strike me down and I feel that I am not socially competent as other people in my field. Guess thats just my own take on imposter syndrome. hearing from people in the field that are younger than me think im much older due to my experience/ the way I present myself is interesting, flattering maybe? idk. time will pass anyway, so I can either be in 2026 with a degree or 2026 with no degree, whallaa!! sometimes I wonder if the better route would be in some field where I don't need as much human interaction, but then I remember that I love people!! I love chatting and hearing about my close pals days, even if I get stuck and have no clue what to bring up or respond. My therapist also broke up with me over a month ago. Not sure if I added that to the past entry. I understand why, im not bitter, but I am working on processing things on my own without relying on a therapist to listen to me in the middle of the week. I am glad that I have connected good friends with her, and I have been Able to see the progress!! It def helped me in ways that I am seeing now. even my old therapist who wasn't in touch helped impact my life in a way. I guess she listened and was the only one listening. WOOPS! Now im sitting on this black table as I complete the entry for may. the month of may was great. I was able to hang out with my friends, enjoy work, and hang out with my boyfriend. I was able to fall deeper in love, and enjoy all the little things in life that I had taken for granted. its strange walking in the chilling morning, hearing all the birds chip as I drink my warm coffee. Not that nature itself is strange, but Its strange that im finally in a point in my life in which my thoughts no longer overwhelm me. I still have my fears, and I am trying my best to work on them. One of them being my fear of abandonment. a part of my brain tries (the evollll part) tries to convince me that I do not deserve the happiness im feeling right now. that for some reason, things will get worse and I will once again fall. Its like premeditating my next depressive episode. I hate it. I try doing some CBT on myself and try to grasp why the irrational thoughts I have are only that, irrational. I really wish I didn't think this way, why do I not believe that I deserve good things? is it my jealousy convincing me that my hot boyfriend has people on a waitlist? idk LOL. I hope to be able to overcome these thoughts one day. Hopefully that will be soon. I know that I cannot keep these thoughts to myself, so I am open about them with my bf. I appreciate the validation I get, and am thankful that his reactions to my DIY processing aren't negative. I hope to reach a point where I don't rethink my thoughts before I tell him. I feel that way currently, but I guess closer. Its terrible to hear my coworkers/friends speak about the issues they have with their partners. overall it looks like they all revolve money somehow. what I find interesting is that it tends to come more from people who grew up well off?? not sure what it is. but I feel like if you truly love and care for someone, spending money on them shouldn't hurt?? especially if you're not poor and broke asf. even poor people find ways to show their love!! its crazy. anyways, thats all I've got. see you in JULLYYY