#maybe Allah had some lessons to teach me so here i am still learning and trying to heal and grow

[starfire-s]

i hope the next time i open up my heart to someone they truly deserve the love and kindness i give them i hope that this person will care about my feelings and will think through their words and actions but will also communicate when things go wrong and will be able to put aside their ego and realise our relationship is more important than that i hope this person is gentle with my heart

[flateshippingrates]

I Can (Show You How)

Ship: Solangelo (this is explicit, mostly for swearing but there are sexual themes)

Words: 2368

Ao3

Apollo was fond of Camp Halfblood these days, spending a lot of time there to see his children as well as his favorite son of Hades. Nico had grown into himself, filling out nicely, and was somewhat of a permanent resident (permanent in the sense he went back for a week every month) with the exception of when he was in the Underworld or at his new home in New Rome. This constant traveling helped with his fatigue or feelings of becoming stagnant, which had proved to make his irritability rise at alarming levels.

Nico was 20 now, mature and intelligent beyond his years--partially from the trauma, but also from Hades providing him with the best education a demigod could ever ask for. There were times he could even best a child of Athena with his wit or rather his ability to argue a point. He took after his father, Hades, by studying law, working in the judicial branches of camps, and being an excellent delegator. Language had become his greatest weapon.

Nico was no longer the shy, awkward child he had been after the war; his words were always intentional and demanded immediate attention. There was still fear towards him but mostly it was respect for his lineage, talent, and ability to empathize. Apollo, of course, could have told you this would be his future but he tried not to pry after receiving a scathing lecture from his own son, Will. Something along the lines of, “it’s none of your business what is going to happen, if we wanted to know we would ask, and no, we don’t want to hear any other prophecies either!” So the God of light zipped his lips, locked them tight, and threw away the key to any major visions he had involving his favorite demigods.

The relationship between Will and Nico was sturdy and, even after all this time, they still seemed madly in love and devoted to each other. Again, not a surprise to Apollo, but what was shocking to the God was how frustrated his son looked when leaving the other’s cabin some days. Will’s face would be flushed with a range of emotions yet he would quickly rush by anyone like a man on a mission; this was especially odd because the son of Hades and the blond were living together at this point, so where could he be going? It seemed urgent to say the least.

Apollo knew better than to follow Will though because when he tried to once before his son had been a bit of a--what was that mortal word again? Oh, yes! Will had been a bit of a bitch. In fact, when he pressed with fatherly curiosity, the blond happily let his dad know he was suffering from “insufferable cunt syndrome.” It was apparently known to be deadly if the afflicted did not learn to “read the room” or use “common sense.”

So, with a lesson learned, Apollo went to the second best option which was Nico--a man of reason--to figure out what was wrong with their relationship. It only took three months after the last incident for Will to come out of the Hades cabin looking flustered. The radiant God moved on swift feet, darkness around him slipping away, and proudly welcomed himself into the Hades cabin with an award winning smile. “Nico, Nico, Nico,” he sung with laughter in his eyes and some calming magic to his words, “Allow me to help Will by helping you. I have noticed he often leaves your cabin with a red face, like a psycho. I am sure this is nothing we can’t work through.”

The ghost king looked up, furiously blushing as he pulled all the blankets he could around himself and looked like an awkward teenager more than the adult he had become. Apollo moved over without permission to rip away the blanket before there could be protest or denial. He knew that look of sexual frustration when he saw it--he himself had seen it before in the men and women from Nico’s time and immediately understood. “You’re a virgin?”

“That is none of your business!” Nico snapped, pulling the blanket back over his lap. He was not exposed but it was obvious at a glance that whatever had happened before was still riding hard in the young man’s mind.

“Oh, honey...” Apollo made himself comfortable, giving his most knowing glance as he looked at his son’s boyfriend up and down like a piece of art. He leaned in as if he could see through blanket, pointed down, and said, “Do you need help with that?”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Nico snapped, leaning away as if Apollo would give him the plague--speaking of which, maybe he should be more respectful when talking to a plague God. The Italian’s face felt like it was on fire, only growing hotter and hotter as his boyfriend’s father made a jacking-off gesture. “That’s sick! I would never do that!”

“Sick?” The laurel’s God began to laugh, hair shining with joy as he leaned over to place his face in his hands to try and muffle his emotions. Of course, Nico would never masturbate from the time period he was from. It was a given that he would not have premarital sex either; maybe this was the first step in making him comfortable with that kind of intimacy though. It was not that he had to have sex today or the next day or even in the next hundred years if he didn’t want to, but it was clear that he wanted to and so did his boyfriend. “It is normal, Nico. Everyone did it in the past and does it now; people from your time were just afraid of having a good time. They were prudes! There are health benefits too--I would even bet Will is doing it right now!”

Who was the ghost king supposed to pray to for this conversation to end? He was definitely not bringing his own father into it. Apollo was right though; he knew Will did it and he was one of the healthiest people Nico knew, however, whenever he had tried to do it in the past he became afraid. What if he did get sick? Go blind or grew hair on his hands? Was it not dehumanizing to look at porn? Who would he want to look at besides Will? His leg began bouncing up and down in rapid succession at the thought of his boyfriend--he had never explained to Will why after all these years he would still not expose himself, even when he obviously wanted to be physical. The blond wasn’t the type to force it. They would always break off at the most frustrating time.

There was a hum from Apollo like a computer downloading information until he cheerily offered, “I can show you how!”

“It’s not that I don’t know how, I just don’t want to,” Nico snapped, pushing his knees together uncomfortably. “And this isn’t the conversation I want to be having with my boyfriend’s dad.”

“If you know how then why don’t you show me?” Apollo said with a wide, stupid grin. “It’s not weird--in fact, think of this as a doctor-patient type deal. Would it help if I took the form of Will?” And without being asked, the God who rules the day took the form of his son as if that were a perfectly normal and healthy response to the situation. He did not wait for instructions on what to do or take into consideration that the son of Hades meant no to every part of this interaction thus far.

The archer definitely thought he was being helpful when he started to undress himself, starting with his shirt before moving on to his belt. He missed the days when mortals did not wear so many layers. He, also, did not notice the heat rising in Nico’s face and below his waist at the sight of Apollo’s--Will’s?--body being exposed before him. Still the son of Hades tried to lean away from the situation, keeping his eyes away from his boyfriend’s father’s assumed form and on the ceiling praying to--who should he pray to? Maybe Allah would help! He would take anyone at this point!

“Neeks, look at me,” Apollo whispered, turning Nico’s head in his hands. “Do as I do.”

“No… I want Will.” Regardless of what he said, he peered down into those blue eyes. They were cold yet sweet like ice cream unlike Will’s open skies and pink lips parted to breathe in the other. He smelt like pomegranates and Nico knew that if he took even one bite he would be trapped forever. He leaned back, melting into his pillows as Apollo leaned over him--no, even his curls fell different than Will’s. It was like looking at his boyfriend but slightly to the left. “I don’t even let him do this, why would I let you?” Nico breathed out as he felt Apollo’s hand on his torso. His brown eyes flickered down to see him reaching into his own boxers to expose himself.

“I have helped many mortals in your situation,” Apollo reasoned, feeling Nico’s cold hand push against his chest. “If you learn from me, you can impress the one you love most.” “This isn’t right,” The son of Hades protested regardless of his apparent interest. He pushed harder on Apollo’s chest and repeated, “I want Will. The real Will.”

Apollo leaned over him in one last attempt, laughter back in his voice as he offered, “Would it help if I said yeehaw?”

“Would it help if I paralyzed you?” Will’s voice sounded from just above the two, cold and full of venom. His father, not having that common sense recommended to him months before, did not move off Nico right away but instead turned his head to see his son.

“You’re looking a lot better.” Apollo sang with a wide smile and Nico, in that moment, would swear there was a tree stump in Louisiana swamp with a higher IQ. “I was just teaching Nico here how to masturbate.”

“Get off him,” Will growled, digging his nails into his father’s shoulder. There was nothing more he could do than scold and be angry, because this was, afterall, a God and if he brought any harm (not that he was a skilled fighter anyway) there would be Olympus to answer to.

This time the archer seemed to understand, moving off Nico with a hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay, I hear you. I was just trying to help you; I was tired of seeing you leave so frustrated and wanted to know why.”

“I don’t care why you just did whatever it was that you thought you were doing,” Will snapped, temper at its peak when his father patted his back as if he just played a lighthearted prank. It was as if the lights were on but no one was home.“You cannot be alone with him anymore. I cannot trust you.”

“Oh, Willow, please,” Apollo laughed, “There are things you will never understand, for example, the stigma Nico grew up with. I was there for it. I saw what it did. I could really help him. Besides, I took your form.”

“That makes me feel so much better.” Will grabbed the God’s arm with a vice-like grip, all too eager to drag him out of the cabin and never speak to him again.

Still, the God must have liked the taste of his own foot because as he was being shoved out the door, he gave one last hurrah. “Hey, I could have taken the form of Percy Jackson!”

The door slammed so hard, Nico felt like the whole cabin shook around him and could feel the son of the light God radiate shadows. He was practically shaking and there was nothing he could say or do to make it better. This was a topic better left to silence, so that’s what he did. Nico sat on the bed, covering himself with the blanket and waited as Will angrily paced around the room.

“The nerve of him to assume I wouldn’t understand,” Will began, throwing his arms up, absolutely irate. “He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow! And what did he think? If he took the form of me it would make this okay? That makes about as much sense as tits on a bull! I bet he has been waiting to make a move like this on you forever. I don’t want you to be alone with him. If he tries to come around you, you come get me!” Then there was a moment of silence like his thoughts were still catching up with him until at last, Will practically yelling now, said, “Gods, but what if he takes my form?! I cannot believe that no good, two faced son of a gun! Don’t piss down my leg and tell me it’s raining! I cannot begin with--and to say--Percy?! I swear my father has one oar out of water based on the shit that comes out his mouth and--and--Hera, almighty! Are you okay?!”

“I’m fine, Will…” Nico reassured as he moved in the bed to be closer to the wall. “Come join me in bed. I just want to be with you in your arms. He could never fool me into thinking it was you… He thinks you say ‘yeehaw’ when you’re turned on.”

The sun’s child shook with anger, fists balled at his side, but when he looked into those pleading eyes all the tension dissipated. This did not mean he did not sulk all the way over the bed or toss his shoes with irritation before crawling in. It, also, did not mean that he wasn’t holding Nico extra tight like he would be stolen away from him in the night. It just meant that is could wait until morning. As exhaustion started to settle over them, Will under his breath grumbled one last time, “Percy… the nerve.”

[sincerelynisa-blog1]

Bismillahirrahmannirrahim

We should always begin everything with good intentions. That’s why in Islam, we say basmallah first for every undertaking, meaning “In the name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful”. This will be my first attempt in writing a blog, or as I like to see it, leaving a digital footprint in the world and sharing stories that inspire (hopefully). As cliche as it might sound, I’d like to share my story about falling in love.

“They don’t call it falling for nothing. You don’t fall on purpose, sometimes it just happens. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes you get a good laugh over it. No matter which circumstance you’re in, there will always be a lesson learned. The result? You’ll be more careful on the next step.” :)

What people and poets and hopeless romantics didn’t say is that you can fall out of love too... Unfortunately, I learned that the hard way. But before we get to those tragic parts in my life, I’ll share the not so tragic. I feel like this year is truly a time where Allah tests my imaan and patience. We can only plan, however at the end of the day Allah is the decider. I hope for whoever is reading this that you can learn from my mistakes.

I planned on taking my “relationship” to the next level. Why did I put quote marks you might ask? Because, I’m in the phase of my life where I don’t want a boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship anymore. On the other hand, I still don’t have as strong as an imaan to do ta’aruf (hehehe). I’m the type of person who sticks with her values and everybody has a right to choose their way to live. Some might say it’s idealist, some might think that it’s stubborn. I believe that’s just me being me. So, I decided to call whatever I had with him a “commitment”. We started to align our visions together and of course it was marriage. I don’t want to bore you with details so long story short, we planned on getting engaged at the end of this year.  

For those of you that have been through this stage you know doubt is something that can’t be avoided, whether it’s self doubt or doubt on the other person. You start questioning yourself with; Am I really ready? Is he really the one destined for me? Do we love each other?. Then I remembered, when we try to do a good deen Satan will do everything in his power to avoid us from accomplishing it. Getting married in Islam means perfecting half of your faith or imaan. When you get married you close a hundred other doors of sins. I wouldn’t have known this if I hadn’t read a book after my heart break (hahaha). I guess there will always be a silver lining after the storm. Anyway, in the process I guess I kind of lost myself. It was a time where I was still in progress of graduating and he just started to work his dream job. I was still going through my quarter life crisis not really sure of what I wanted to do after college and on the other hand his plans were falling into place. I wanted to work so I could be financially independent and get experience, I wanted to pursue my master’s overseas with a scholarship, I wanted to help my family, I also wanted to get married. WANT. But deep down I didn’t know what I NEEDED. Then you know what happened? I started channeling my insecurities into one perspective, the important thing was I’ll get married first and the rest will fall into place. This is a misconception. You see, marriage isn’t a solution. It’s a gateway for the next phase in your life here in dunya. It’s not just about your age or that because all your other friends are getting married too. Everybody has their own timeline, you just have to trust in qadarullah. It will be the most important decision you will make in your life. Deep down I knew I still had much to learn about Islam’s perspective on marriage. I didn’t want to repeat a cycle, a cycle I wanted to change so badly.

I drowned in my own expectations and gave all my hope to him unconditionally. Maybe that’s just what you do when you trust someone, especially when you think you’ve known them long enough. Overtime, Allah gave me His answer towards the uncertainty in my heart. One day, just like that, the same person that said he was going to commit decided to leave. What’s worse was that he already chose someone else. I felt that Allah wanted to teach me what happens when you expect too much on someone and forget to only depend on Allah. I don’t blame anyone on what happened because the story isn’t as simple as I’ve typed. It was actually quite a long journey and there’s always two sides of the story. What I’m trying to say is, try not to judge someone too quickly because it wouldn’t be fair.

Many lessons were learned. Allah works in mysterious ways, selalu ada hikmah yang bisa diambil, even when you don’t know what it is yet. Maybe Allah wants me to figure myself out before trying to figure things with someone else. Maybe Allah is giving me the opportunity to help my family while I still can. Maybe we were just not meant to be. Whatever Allah has planned for me, I know that it is going to be the best for me. In the meanwhile, I’ll better myself and keep praying. Untung hati ini yang buat juga Allah (hahaha). For those of you that are experiencing the same situation, and I know there’s many, just keep moving forward and don’t look back. You’re stronger than you think. :)

Sincerely,

Nisa

[stephenjaymorrisblog]

Thursday, October 26, 2017

  In the Cross Hairs of the Grim Reaper

 By Stephen Jay Morris

©Scientific Morality

             Some men and some women are so out of touch with their sense of perception that they have to take extreme risks to appreciate their lives.  In other words:  They require a near-death experience to appreciate life itself!  That is why I have never, nor will ever, do risky things like mountain climbing, parachuting, deep sea diving, or popping wheelies on a motorcycle.  This is without judgment on my part.  Such are the physical ones who become soldiers and fight on foreign soil in defense of their fellow citizens, and the athletes who entertain us in sports.  If men must prove their masculinity by performing daredevil stunts, fine!  Just leave me out of it!

           My problem is when my risky behavior comes from the stubborn pursuit of sense pleasures like fatty foods, sexual orgasm, and Nicotine.  My lack of self-discipline definitely precluded any practice of ascetic living. The common axiom of my youth was “If it feels good, do it!”  Ultimately, I learned that there would be a heavy price to pay for that sentiment: my near-death heart attack of October 7, 2017.

With regard to my prostate cancer, diagnosed in 2009, that was more a result of heredity and genetics than from any self-imposed, unhealthy habits. Both of those occurrences, however, were what you might define as near-death experiences.

           Another near-death experience of mine, however, was in 1984.  One could, more commonly, call it an “accident.”   The incident occurred on a Saturday, a typical, sunny afternoon in Los Angeles, just before it became a crowded and overly commercialized metropolis; it still had that “city by the beach” ambiance.  Still, it was the city and we, Pamela and I, wanted to take an excursion into “the country. “ I scoured a regional map and initially ruled out Angeles National Forest.  I had been there many times and, really, all it is made up of are Pine trees over small mountains.  I identified a place I’d never visited before, located in the Santa Monica Mountains, called Malibu Creek. There was a big lake and a river that stretched all the way to the Pacific Ocean.  Pamela and I got into our 1973 Gremlin and headed out.  The best part of living in L.A. is taking that drive along Pacific Coast Highway with its endless, panorama of beaches that border the blue Pacific.  It’s during those moments of serenity and gratitude that you feel lucky to be here. When you drive up Topanga Canyon, it seems like you are somewhere in Montana when you are actually only 25 miles from downtown L.A.  

           I don’t remember the entire route we took but we finally arrived.  There was a small gravel parking lot and a sign posted at the mouth of a winding trail. The sign posted a map of the trail and the usual warnings about firearms, fireworks, alcohol, prohibited smoking and keeping dogs on leashes.  There was hardly anybody there.  I liked the place a whole lot!

           Before I can proceed with this woeful tale, however, I must provide a little background regarding my swimming ability…uh…I have none! I know Caucasian people are supposed to good swimmers, but, it aint me babe!   I would be a great anchor for a boat because I would sink straight to the bottom!  Oh, my grandparents tried to teach me to swim whenever we visited the Jewish Community pool.  I even attempted to take a swimming class at the Gardner Public Park pool, but I quit after a couple of lessons.  Then, in 1965 at a Boy Scouts’ summer camp on Catalina Island—to my horror—one requirement for earning a merit badge was to swim a mile out into the ocean then back again to the pier.  Well, Fuck that shit!!   I hid somewhere that day.  Afterward, I would never set foot in water again.  To me, a body of water is nice to look at, clean your body with, and take a drink from, but to swim in?  Forget about it!   Then there that little fear of drowning I have or getting seasick on a boat.  Yes!  I am a proud member of the land lovers club!   Though I do have a soft spot for sailors and the sea; I find a certain romantic value to that.  Well, my main point is… I can’t swim!

           As I was saying, it was one of those SoCal days where the sky was bright blue with a smattering of clouds.  We walked along the trail listening to the songs of birds as we inhaled the aroma of wildflowers.  After a short distance, I heard the sound of rushing waters. There was a river.  Not a very big one, but a river nonetheless.  You ever hear the expression: Still waters run deep?  I have been hearing that expression all my life and I would find out what it meant literally.  We wanted to cross the river to get to another trail. All we had to do was to step on the rocks in the river, like stepping stones.  Easy.  Right?  Well, not clumsy me; I slipped as I stepped onto a rock and fell backwards into the water.  Down!   Down!   Down I went.  I hit the muddy bottom and stood up.  Little fish were swimming around me.  I looked up and estimated the surface was about 14 feet above.  “What the fuck am I going to do?” I thought,  “I can’t swim!   I’m going to drown at the age of 29!”   Then something happened to me, which has confounded me for decades. When an event like this happens to some people, it is a spiritual epiphany and they devote themselves to Jesus or Allah or whatever.  Being Agnostic, I have the luxury to experience anything or everything without framing it in a certain fashion.  So here it goes…I didn’t know if I was having a hallucination or if my sub-conscious was playing tricks on me.  Maybe God does exist and I was getting a message.  I heard a voice in my head that kept repeating the same line over and over again:  “Now isn’t your time!”  “Now isn’t your time!”   Next thing I knew I felt this tug on my shirt collar and it pulled me upwards. It was as if I was ascending into the Heavens when, actually, I was returning to So-Cal.  Upwards slowly, going upwards.   Up!   Up!   Up!   Up!   I finally reached the surface and Pamela extended her hand to help me out and onto the shore.  Pamie then told me that if I hadn’t emerged when I did, she was preparing to jump in to help me.  Well, I survived and I have stayed clear of water for years.  

           I’m sure glad that this was not an antithesis of a near-death experience; many people are dead and have a near life experience.  If you live in the mid-west, you know what I mean.

[stargleeksil-blog]

Criminal Minds s02e10 Lessons Learned review - or more aptly named, holy shit I can’t believe they put him in harm’s way, I’m going to fucking kill those bastards, oh he’s all right, good. fuck you assholes.

Episode 10 – Lessons Learned

Okey dokey, so we’re nearly halfway through season 2, and I’ve only been working on it two days (in actual reviewing time, I’m divulging some inner secrets that can only be divulged to those privileged few who deign my words worthy of reading, so shhh!!!). Pretty intense shit is going on over here.

I just called one of my friends to get rid of cockroaches. I know, it’s pussy thing to do, especially for a lady, but come on! That’s like the one bug that really gets my goat! I can deal with spiders, ants, mosquitos, even flies. But not roaches. Ugh. So gross. That and rats are my two weaknesses.

So, back to Criminal Minds, because let’s face it, Shemar and Matthew are so much better than dealing with household pests. Let’s see what this episode has in store.

Let’s see what happens.

Whoa, that’s a SWAT car. Yikes. This is gonna be intense.

A lady team leader. I love it.

Hey! It’s Professor Short-Skirt from Community! Awesome!

Well, it’s not a meth lab, but there is an escape tunnel, and that’s a fucking bomb.

Who the fuck wakes Hotch on a morning sleep-in. Damn. Poor thing.

God, I can’t believe that he has to do this to his wife. But come on, it’s his fucking job. I love Hotch so much.

Straight to business.

Wait. Emily knows Arabic? Damn.

I love you already, Prentiss. Awesome.

I love how everyone’s like, awesome! We could use her!

And then Penelope dazzles everyone with everything. Lol.

Jin d’Allah. Meaning soldier of God. Lovely.

Oh god, he’s part of the Jihad. Yikes.

Wait. Wait. Hold the presses. Reid read the Koran? Damn.

They have to do in 48 hours what the CIA haven’t been able to do in two months? Fuck.

Wait. Gideon is heading to Guantanamo Bay? Oh my god. That’s intense.

Yup, they should assess Prentiss on the field, and she’s willing enough, what’s the harm?

Dale Turner: “Some of the best lessons are learned from past mistakes. The error of the past is the wisdom of the future.” Who is this guy and can I marry his brain?

Gideon, why are you being so harsh on Prentiss? And Prentiss, he’s right, this isn’t a treat to go with them to Guantanamo. You have to prove your worth, and you have to not interrupt[t Gideon while he’s playing chess with Reid, and you need to tone down your sassiness. Capiche?

Oh Reid’s ‘oooh snap’ face is everything to me.

So Gideon is a genius.

Haha the whole chess board just went kersplat. I love it.

There’s a mandatory 90-degree turn when you approach Gitmo? Damn.

And Reid was winning! Wait what, Gideon would have had him in three moves? Damn. Prentiss is good.

Wait, it’s a bio-chemical bomb? Damn.

Hey! Hey! Why torture the guy? You want answers, that’s not how you get them.

So Gideon’s going to swoop in as the hero who is juxtaposed to his usual tormentors? That’s awesome.

Crap. A list of chemicals. Damn.

So Jin d’Allah is so convinced he is going to suffer, he won’t even cooperate? Youch.

A list of chemicals needed to weaponized Anthrax. What’s that? Some kind of explosive that’s deadly? From your tone, Derek, it sure seems that way.

So even the smallest amount of this Anthrax is deadly to many people? Yikes.

God, I already love Prentiss. She’s like – he’s Egyptian, from Cairo, wait, no, he might be from Yemen, but most like Egypt. You do you, Emily.

So he’s slightly impressed by how much Gideon finds out about him through conversation rather than violence.

Gideon’s worst enemy is ignorance. Welcome to the club, buddy.

Aww, he’s letting him pray! That’s so amazing!

Yikes! Those details are driving me nuts! So turns out that the NSA is routing its satellites to the USA during emergencies of electronic traffic. Meaning, they can basically monitor whoever they want at any given time and just not tell anybody. Well, that’s an unsettling thought there, guys. My condolences. Of course, I don’t know how it works here in Israel, either, so it might very well be happening here, too. In which case – NO ONE IS SAFE! WE NEED AN ESCAPE PLAN TO MARS!

Wait, those CIA assholes kept those water bottles there to remind him that he couldn’t have any? Wow, talk about extreme measures to get him to crack. Yet, they were unsuccessful, so what’s the point? I’m learning a whole new mass of information about the American law enforcement system, and some of it isn’t to my liking at all.

“How can you ignore the fact that Muhammad preached passivity while he was in Mecca? ‘Do no violence.’” Wow. That is true.

“His later message from Medina was perfectly clear. ‘When violence comes upon you, you must fight back with violence.’” Seriously? Turns out he’s not even quoting the Koran, but the Hadith. “The Verse of the Sword”. Which the Muslims argue cancels out earlier teachings. Someone’s spin on the words of the prophet. Oh dear lord.

Fight and slay infidels wherever you find them and seize them in every stratagem of war. – that’s in the Koran?

Ah! Unless they repent. Establish regular prayers and practice regular charity.

So those who embrace the Jihad basically spin everything that Muhammad said and the Koran to support their violent ways to justify their killings as the will of Allah? Oh god, that is seriously messed up, brother.

“How is it that my faith would allow you to live and worship as you please, and yours would take my life and snuff it out?” Amazing. Simply amazing.

“You are simply misguided people of the book.” PAH! “But if you revert to Islam …” seriously? That’s the only way to repent for their ‘sinful ways’?

So he survived a bombing on a bazaar in Cairo? Damn. And he was only eight? Yikes.

Let’s verify it with Oracle of All Knowledge.

Half his family died in the bombing? Damn. Poor thing. But that is not the reason to go on a killing spree in the name of a god, and call it holy revenge. It isn’t.

Wait. They’re going into a site, where there might be an active bomb, an active chemical bomb no less, with no coms? Oh god. Please let my baby boy survive this. I won’t be able to cope with it at work today.

So he’s relieved by telling him that they found the sites? What’s wrong with this guy? Oh my god, he’s the one calling the shots on the bombings. Fuck. Get out of there! The bomb is there and is about to blow!!!! I know it! Morgan, get out of there, leave Professor Short-Skirt, take Hotch with you, and scram!

Oh snap. So they may have gotten the Anthrax from a foreign lab? Damn.

Oh crap, the girls can see the bombing in Annandale, oh god.

Please pick up!

Oh thank god.

“Don’t worry. Don’t think you’re gonna get rid of me that easy.” Thank the almighty lord of chocolate Adonises and chiseled abs. I wouldn’t live without Shemar XD

“Do you need anything?” “I know who to call if I do. Thanks, baby doll.” Aww, just kiss already.

So they didn’t use Anthrax in the two first bombs. But the third one will involve it.

Jind, don’t fuck with Gideon, and don’t fuck with me. You suck, you are evil, and you need to stop.

Wait. He’s changing his story now? His son is the kid who got blown up in the bazaar bombing, and he was the one who survived? Fuck you, asshole!

His real name is Jamal Abaza. Go to hell.

Hey, CIA assholes, why you so rude to my Gideon? Not nice. He’s trying to school you.

Fuck protocols. Assholes.

“How goes with the CIA?” “I don’t know what Gideon said to them, but they are feeding me information like crazy.” Ha, I love Gideon and I love his power of persuasion. I would believe anything that came out of that pretty mouth of his.

Seriously? Jamal, seriously? You and Gideon breath the same air, you are comprised of the same biological components that make you a male human being. Just because you believe in different faiths does not make you all that different. Just means you believe different things. And the fact that you believe your god would like you to eliminate anyone who doesn’t believe in him, but that’s beside the point, am I right? I’m not? Well, fuck you asshole.

Oh. So he’s less than human? You try to kill other humans. Come on.

And yet Gideon is still gracious to him.

That should count for something.

20 grams of Anthrax missing. Ruh-roh.

“No one wants the other kids peeing in their sand box.” Ew, Garcia, simply ew. I mean, true, but ew.

Soft entry. As opposed to what? Cuz you just banged open a door. That’s hard for me.

Whoa. That’s a lot of dead bodies, dude. Fuck.

So he’s bringing in Reid to talk to him? What the hell are you doing?

He’s making jokes? Seriously?

Oh god. Mandy’s horrified expression is just amazing. So touching.

Oh crap. He’s going to blow up a mall. Fuck.

Ha! They manipulated him to think it’s a different time, and they just let him show his final hand. I love you Gideon, and I am so sorry for those people. I hope they get there in time. Shit.

Please, Hayley, postpone the pictures, you need to not go to the mall.

Shit. They’re going through the air vents. Damn.

Yes! My baby boy got him. And now they’re saying it was a robbery? Come on. Let’s not pretend it was anything other than a terror attack.

Oh thank god, Hotchner’s family are okay. Thank god.

Hahahahhaa Jack is so cute!

Ralph Waldo Emerson: “In order to learn the most important lessons of life, one must each day surmount a fear.” Meh, somewhat true.

Boom. Gideon schooled Reid again.

Aww! He’s letting Prentiss play him? That’s nice. So they’re finally trusting her. Good.

 Okay, so this episode hit close to home. Not because I was raised in a Jewish household, but because I was raised in Israel, and Muslim extremists and the Jihad were always a threat hovering over our heads. I really hate terrorism. Because it’s a group of sad, pathetic people brainwashing an entire group who believe in a certain faith that in order to prove their faithfulness they have to kill others and maybe die themselves. This episode was extremely powerful. It made me appreciate Prentiss, and make me like her. It had me anxious over my baby boy, Derek, on whether or not he was going to live, and thank goodness he did, and it had a bit of Penelope going nuts over him as well, which was awesome.

Amazing episode, amazing writing, and I hope this season continues to amaze me.

[youropiniondoesnotmattertome]

A Note To Myself

What am i going to write here is a voice on my own of which your remarks,judgment,thoughts and opinions are not necessary to me. Every soul has its own story and journey to tell, so if you are thinking i am just overreacting and being such a drama queen...then i can just tell you to...FUCK OFF! Thank you.

This note is written by me to myself if i ever get out of this messy current situation I’m having..So, in 5 years time...dear me, please take a look at this note again and evaluate yourself.

Dear N******,

22nd March 2017, 11.22pm.

I never feel such a total wrecked as what i felt today. Waking up today feeling quite miserable after receiving a phone call from a headhunter saying my application could not be entertained because i was not qualified for it.(they didnt specify it in their advertisement anyway...so not my fault)

Feeling a little low while the morning is still early then i decided to go back to sleep...i didnt sleep quite well though..even had a dream about my ex/bf, Afiq.

The morning didnt go quite well...feeling depressed starting to consume me..so i’ve decided to take my little sisters to House of Cats...maybe that will distract my mind a little bit..it does but not for long...once i reached home...the pressure starting to swell up inside me...I received an email from a potential employer but turns out the location is just beyond considering..so i have decided to decline although i am entering the ‘desperate’ phase of searching my job...Then its where i’ve started to feel my pressure and stress reaching its maximum point.

I didnt do anything. I just lay on my bed. Tears started to flow over.Prayers didnt help. I was gasping for help..but there was no one.None. I never felt so alone and helpless in my life.I reached Afiq but i know he is so occupied with work.He didnt say much.A sign that i am just a disturbance in his life at the moment. My friends? They are all friends during easy times. Its true when they said what matters are those who stick by you through your hard times. But they weren’t there. None of them even remember my birthday after 8 years of friendship. But i try to forgive all of them by thinking everyone has its own issues..but i will always be there for them, in a bit...why cant anyone be here for me?

Lessons Learnt During The Hard Times.

1. Depression

When you are jobless or dont have any purpose of life, you will start losing yourself. It might be okay for some, but definitely not for me. I am not able to utilize my brain. I am not able to make use of my *** degree after years of hardwork. It will consume you day by day. I was so much worse now compared to my DAY 1 of jobless. I am now in my DAY 41 of jobless and i am like piece of shit.My advice to myself is always secure a job before resigning.But in my case, I didnt resign because of no reasons, i resigned because i have to.

2. Fuck your, dear former boss.

I was employed for 1 1/2 years. I like my job. I can handle the pressure. Some even looking down on me because they think my job is easy. But try running the firm on your own (while you are still lack of experience), making decisions on your own, clients looking after your boss but because he never came to the office so you have to face them instead. Try having your office being splashed by red paints by gangsters because they are looking for your boss but he was never around and you yourself have to go to the police station and lodge the report. Try having being paid late for every single month. Try not getting your last month salary because your boss is fucking mean and want to have revenge on you. Try having keep begging your boss for your last salary amounting RM4K+++ because you are in desperate need of money and your boss just laughed it all out. Everyone keep saying, you should have left earlier...i want to but because of considering that my boss has to work alone, i dont have the heart and look how he repays me.Dear Mr.**, i hope you rot in hell and may your life never be at peace for all the wrongdoings you have done.

3.  Broke

My bank is empty. My wallet is empty. I have my savings.But you shouldnt touch that, arent you? That is for the house deposit money i’m planning to buy by the age of 30 since i am not going to get married, so i will buy the house using my own hardwork money. I am going to buy a house, stay on my own and probably getting a cat. Until i die. Might opt for free sex if my faith is so shaken by then, who knows. I want to adopt a child and i will raise her on my own. I will be a good mother, thats one thing i know for sure despite of my depression. Looking at a young child’s face soften and melt my heart. So yeah, i am broke. And seeing everyone having such a good life didnt make any easier. I restricted myself from going out..restricted myself from buying food i want. Restricted myself from buying or going anything/anywhere.

4. Family

Broke.No friends. Boyfriend out of picture. I just have my family. My family. I wouldnt say they are my safety net but they are all i have now when everyone left. I know my parents will be there for me. But for how long? I should be the one taking care of them and not the other way round. I want to take care of my family. But now it seems they are keeping a big fat old maiden pig in the house.I tried to help as much as i can.Cleaning, washing, cooking, being driver to my sisters. I’m trying everything that i can. But sometimes, i know i do disappoint my family.

5. Afiq

My boyfriend? My ex? I dont know. We fight a lot.Like really a lot. Depression starts to sweep in and he is the one that i can talk to.But he said he is getting tired with all the whining. Somehow job didnt just landed at your feet. So it has jeopardized our relationship. And he seems to drifting away too. Not sure if there’s a new girl in town. So we fought again last week. Very big fight until i dont think our relationship can work out again. Its just seem done.I met one of my dlsa classmates yesterday, and she was asking how are we? are we getting married soon...I just dont know what to answer...its really heartbreaking. 

Dear *****

1) When you are depressed, you tend to be over sensitive. Over sensitive that no one talks to you, your close friends didnt wish your birthday. You tend to get very emotional about it.

2) Understand that everyone has their own issues. You are not the centre of the universe. But i didnt think its too much to ask for someone just asking how are you...just listen.

3) Friends come and go. Although you are truly hurt by their actions, learn to forgive and takpayah layan dah.

4) When you are at your lowest you will see who will be by your side. For me, I have my family and Afiq. But Afiq is just a stranger. His patience has limits. As much as he said he loves you or want to stick with you till the end of time crap, he has no responsibility towards you. Thats why next time if you ever fall in love, Love moderately or better if you dont fall in love at all. They will leave. They will all always leave. Think about it, why do you want to be stucked in a relationship with a depressed girl when there are plenty dozens of more emotionally stable girls outside??? Think. And you have seen the signs that his love towards you is deteriorating. I can foresee another heartbroken episodes coming.Honestly, i dont know if i can handle all of this.

5) Appreciate your family. Thats all you have. Money cant buy families.

6) Learn to forgive.

I am mad at my fate.I am mad at my boss. I am mad at Afiq. I am mad with everything.

7) Suicidal has always been on your mind. I keep imagining knives and knives. I was stung by a bug yesterday. It was painful. My hand was numb temporarily. Now i wish the bug was poisonous.

8) Your faith will deteriorating.

You tend to be angry at Him. Dont believe in Him. So mad at Him more than anything and start to question where is just in all of these shits? Why me? I was a good student..a good friend.. a loyal girlfriend...why everything didnt work out. I never missed a single prayer eversince i was in primary school..obedient to my parents...my friends some i know didnt even pray..had fun with their boyfriends more than it should...but they are all having a good life..married. While i am still here..broke..jobless..and no chance of getting married soon. I questions a lot till my faith is shaken. I tried to do the daily prayers with pure heart...but sometimes i failed. Prayers seem to be just like a daily routine. Afiq told me to Sabar..sabar...sabar.. but have you ever feel that you just cant handled it anymore..that you feel the pain stucked in your throat while your tears keep flowing..Yes. Sabar and Sabar...now everyone has left me. Maybe this is one way for Him to teach me that you should only rely to Him and not humans. So that is why I am on Tumblr...i motivate myself by reading all the Islamic quotes from Quran and Hadith. I should be thankful for this test. After all, we are all His creations. 

9) Wait and Sabr.

Cry all you want. Never missed your prayers. Read Quran everyday. Be good to your family. And forgive. 

Ya Allah, i hope i pass this test well. Please don’t let my faith slipping away.

[itsclearvoice-blog]

Some lessons learned from loss, Part 1

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about grief and what it has done to my learning process. Having experienced both widowhood and marital separation, I have been irrevocably changed by these losses. Yes, I bear scars and even some open wounds still, but I also have gained insights that were impossible without suffering these losses. Grief has made me quieter yet more outspoken, less concerned about dumb small stuff yet wanting to pay far more attention to detail, and both more and less afraid of the future.

My first husband Omar went from being fully alive to completely dead in about 10 seconds. He was not ill, nor was he in an accident, nor did he have a heart attack. At the age of 48, in peak health, he sat down next to our then 12-year-old daughter to watch Pride and Prejudice— and died. The autopsy report states “No known cause of death.” Yes, folks, people can just die like that. Before that night in September 2002 I didn’t know it was possible, but I do now.

So, if Omar, who was the healthiest person I’ve ever known, could just up and die, then anything can happen, and it might, at any time. The universe (or multiverse, really) has grown exponentially in my understanding, and is not only much larger, but also far stranger and scarier (and more beautiful) than anything I had hitherto imagined.

For at least a year after Omar’s death, my three children and I had a difficult time making any kind of plan– after all, there was no guarantee that anything we decided to do would actually come to fruition. The Muslim attitude expressed by the phrase “Inshallah” suddenly replaced  the Western arrogance that had assured me I was in control of my life. I’m not in control of my life, at least not the externals. The only thing I have any control over is how I decide to interpret events, which then leads me to make decisions about what I do.

I can decide who I want to be, regardless of what is going on around me. That’s all I have control over. But it’s enough. In fact, it’s my life’s work. Letting go of the illusion that I control anything else is therefore both frightening and a huge relief.  “Inshallah” means that I will carry out my intentions only if Allah is willing to let them proceed; in other words, I can make all the promises and plans I want, but I’m not ultimately in control of how they unfold. This means that I don’t have to beat myself up if the outcome is not what I had in mind. Maybe it’s not even a mistake, just a different, surprising new path. Not being in control means that I can forgive myself. After all, I am merely a creature, not the Creator.

Whether you believe in a Supreme Being or not (I do), we are dust, and to dust we shall return. My nephew says we’re all made out of stardust, and I agree. How that stardust came to live and breathe is not the point here– the point is that being localized microsystems means that we can’t see the whole picture, so of course we can’t make infallible decisions. This takes a huge burden of responsibility off our shoulders, hence the relief.

Nevertheless, being stardust also means that we are of a piece with the rest of the multiverse, so we have a responsibility to remember who we are in relation to that system. That’s why I’m paying a lot more attention to some details, while at the same time ignoring others that used to take up space in my head. It matters how I treat other creatures, including plants and animals, so environmental concerns aren’t just trendy “shoulds” anymore. Since to a certain extent I can control the impact I personally have on the health of the planet, I now think more intentionally about how I’m conducting my everyday activities than I ever did before. I don’t know how long I’ll be here, but while I am, I will be myself in connection with the rest of Creation.

Furthermore, the boundaries between Us and Them have virtually disappeared for me. I have gotten to know the janitors where I work by name, and I make it a point to thank city workers like bus drivers and garbage collectors for the jobs they do. I used to do this because it made me feel cool, and I thought I could congratulate myself on being so generous– a sort of noblesse oblige snobbery. Now I do it because I feel true gratitude to these folks who are making my life easier. I think about their families, their homes, the things they may worry about, and I recognize that these are the same for me. Just because I have the resources to be able to teach at a university doesn’t make me different from the guy who cleans the washrooms I use there. What he does helps me do what I do. What I do helps my students do whatever they do to contribute to the general well-being of the planet. We’re all in this together, at least for the brief moment we’re here. We all have an important contribution to make, but none of us is important in isolation from the rest.

Omar made a huge impact on the people he met. But now he’s gone. His influence lingers in the hearts of the people who knew and loved him, but he himself is no longer here to make us laugh and think and deepen our integrity. That will be the same for me as well as for you. Yet though it’s a short ride, it’s anything but meaningless. Probably the most valuable lesson I’ve learned through losing Omar is to do now what I think is most important because I may not get the chance again.