#may make a post analyzing them when december rolls around

[redkyrii]

Me when the Y25 advent calendar inevitably gives us riches beyond our comprehension, but there's no sloppily-made comic/image/animation with a minuscule Cheat character cameo.

[j0hn-deacons-perm]

Charcoal Dust

Female reader x Brian May

Word Count ~6,100. 

I had this fic sitting in my documents since August and re-reading it, I didn’t hate it. So I guess I’m posting it. A bit of a warning I suppose...it goes get slightly suggestive but not 18+..If you’re sensative to that sort of thing, maybe skip this one my dudes.

With the last flick of your eyeliner, you deem yourself ready to head out to the bar. Freddie wanted to let off some steam with finals and you couldn't help but to join in. The apartment you two share have been littered with projects and materials and he almost strangled you for not cleaning up your charcoal dust. With that being the straw which broke the camel's back, tonight is to just get shit faced and to have fun. At least Fred settled one a bar that isn't too much of a walk so you don't have to worry about driving. Grabbing your coat, you leave the complex and into the cold december night.

***

"Y/N, dearie, you're here! Finally the night can commence!"

Freddie runs to you and wraps his arm around your shoulders. 

"The boys are here as well. Can't tell you how much work it took to get John out."

Your eyes settle on Deaky, already a bit drunk and waving at you with a grin. "Evenin' Y/N! How's it going?"

"Not as good as you from the looks of it. But I bet a couple drinks could fix that."

You turn to the bar and order your usual mix drink along with a round of shots for everyone. 

"Here's to having a good night amongst friends!"

"Cheers!"

Everyone downs their shot and you finally sit down, taking the empty spot next to Deaky. Roger and Brian seem to be in their own little world talking about something so you don't bother with that can of worms yet.

"Y/N, did you find a new model for your drawing yet?"

"Nope. That fucking Steven kid answered my ad, took my payment then just vanished. Won't answer the phone, haven't seen him around campus..I'm out like 80 quid and nothing to draw for my final."

"Ouch. What does it entail exactly?"

"I need to do a live nude model study."

Roger's ears seem to perk up with the mention of 'nude'.

"I can help you out with that, love."

Brian rolls his eyes and Freddie chuckles. 

"So, me buying you a shot doesn't get your attention but mentioning I need to draw a naked person does?"

"Well, yeah. You should know this by now."

"I thought alcohol and nudity were on the same tier of importance to you, Taylor."

"Close..but not quite."

You nod at him with a fake academic-like expression as you rub your chin.

"Right, so if anyone knows someone who would be down to model for me let me know."

"I just said I was!"

"Anyone but Roger."

"Oh! What about Brian, dear? He'd be a great model."

The man in question glares.

"Uh..Fred, I don't think so."

"Why ever the fuck not? I've seen you naked before, May. You'd be fantastic. Plus Y/N gets to see your cute little bottom and huge cock!"

His cheeks turn bright red.

"Absolutely not, Fred."

Freddie looks over to your face, laughing despite blushing profusely. He knows of your small crush on the guitarist and loves to relish in opportunities making you and Brian uncomfortable in hopes you two would actually do something. Much to his, and your disappointment, nothing ever happens.

"Well I would do it but I don't have the time in my schedule considering I'm going to be stuck in the art building working on my own shit. Now come on, don't subject her to Roger."

Brian looks over to you, finding you playing with a hem on your shirt, trying to distract yourself from the awkward conversation.

"Well we both know Bri's not going to do it, so when can I come over, love?"

With a slump of your shoulders, you face the blonde.

"It's not a sexual thing where I draw everything, you know. You're going to be in a pose you can hold for a long period of time while I focus on drawing mainly your prominent body landmarks like ribs, pelvis, and muscles along with bones."

"See, Bri? It's not a personal experience, she's just studying your anatomy. With how lanky you are, it'd be easy to see everything."

"I'll also pay you for your time. Might be a bit before I can get the money but you will be compensated. Also if it's too much for you, you can wear your underwear for most of it until I need to get a certain part."

He looks between you and Freddie, a sigh escapes his lips.

"Fine. I'll do it."

Freddie smirks at you and gives a wink before coming into to whisper in your ear.

"Just a heads up, I've seen him naked and you may have to draw three legs."

You turn bright red but can't help but to cackle at his comment. Brian rolls his eyes and says 'fucker' under his breath. 

*** A couple drinks turn to quite a few and talking with Brian ended up with the date, time and place for your drawing session. Now that three days have passed, the time arrives along with four knocks on the door. 

"Hey Y/N."

"Hey Bri, thank you so much again for doing this for me."

He looks around the living room and sees you've set up your workspace: an easel, one of the living room chairs and one of the end tables with your box of drawing utensils. He also looks at how it's pointed towards the sofa with a sheet draped on it. 

"How would you like me?"

"Comfortable. You'd probably be stuck in that spot for a while. I have pillows if you want 'em."

He nods and sits down on the sofa while you go towards the record player and pop on one of your favorite records.

"I like to work to music so hope you're okay listening to the Beatles for a few hours."

"Why would I complain about good music?"

You chuckle as you sit down in your spot, making any last minute adjustments to the easel's height. Turning your head to the sofa, you see him unbuckling his belt before slipping his shirt off. Back towards you. 

Freddie was right, he has a good figure to make this assignment easy for you. Despite trying to stay professional, it's hard to not check out your crush as he strips. When the pants start slipping off, you turn away, too shy to look anymore. 

He is your friend, Y/N...he is your friend who is helping you with a project. Don't make this weird..

But then you remember your roll of tape for the sheet so when it's break time, you won't lose the pose. 

Shit...

"Hey Bri, once you settle on a pose, would it be okay if I put some tape around you so we don't lose the pose after we take a break?"

"Yeah, that's okay. I also might take you up on that pillow offer."

"Sounds good, I'll be right back."

You smile as you get up and leave for your bedroom to grab him a couple pillows off your bed. When you walk back into the living room, you swear the air has shifted once you see him laying in his underwear on the couch, watching the record spin on the turn table. A knot forms in your stomach..

You're working on your final, you're working on your final, you're working on your final.....

You walk up towards him and hands him the pillows. He promptly adjusts them to fit his pose.

"This alright for your composition, Y/N?"

"Let me check."

You sit down back in your chair and look at what you can see. You can see many of the body's landmarks..ribs, collar bones, muscles, parts of the pelvis...but not the strongest for a good composition.

"The pose is fine but I'm going to move over a bit to get a more interesting angle of ya."

You scoot your set up closer towards the turntable, giving a more dynamic angle of your model.

"Alright, we're looking good. Just need to tape where you're at and we can get started."

Hands slightly shaking on the masking tape roll, you rip pieces off and place them where Brian's posed. It's easy to tell he's tense.

"Bri, you're welcome to chat during this if you want. And whenever you want to take a break to stretch out, do not hesitate to ask."

"Sounds good, love. I guess I'm ready when you are."

He's called you love before but now it seems a bit different...

HE IS JUST HELPING YOU ON YOUR FINAL PROJECT, STOP IT

You rub over your paper pad, sighing and grab your hard charcoal to get the initial lines and shapes in. You can see him closing his eyes once more marks land on your paper. His shoulders also slowly begin to become less tense. 

*** Two full albums later, Brian calls break time. You clean your hands off on your pants and set your charcoal back in its box next to you. Having the main structures done and angles correct, you feel good about the progress. 

"How's it coming along, love?"

"I think maybe another hour or so and we'll be good."

"Can I sneak a look or is it confidential?"

You nod your head for him to take a look, his presence now behind your back as he analyzes your work. Nerves become more apparent the longer he's silent. You're about to look over your shoulder until you hear him say

"I'm really liking it so far, Y/N. Fred's told us about your work and it's incredibly articulate. However it is odd knowing that's me on your paper."

You blush profusely at his compliment, even more so now that you realize he's extremely close to your body wearing just underwear. 

"Well how about I grab you a robe and I'll make us some coffee?"

"Sounds lovely to me, especially since seeing how you're fully clothed, I'm a bit vulnerable."

"I don't mean to make you uncomfortable! Let's get that robe."

"I'm not uncomfortable, just a bit cold maybe."

Leaving for your room once again, you grab your robe. It might be a bit too short for the gentle giant in your living room but it's better than nothing.

"I'm surprised you didn't give me Fred's."

"You don't want it, trust me."

He laughs, tying the belt around his middle and follows you into the small kitchen to grab his favorite mug whenever he visits. The silence grows more comfortable as you hear the coffee drip into the small pot and another cabinet opens to grab the sugar. You open the fridge to grab the milk. Your pour the hot liquid as he adds the sugar to the two mugs, followed by the splash of milk you like in yours. Smiles meet each other and you two sit back in the living room, a new record begging to be played. 

"Want more Beatles or how about just some John? I have Plastic Ono Band and Imagine."

"Oh god, that's a decision isn't it?"

"It really is. I'm half tempted to just put Hard Day's Night on."

"Did you see that in theaters? The girls went absolutely mad."

"With that scene with John in the bath? I'm sure I still have hearing issues from that. It got even worse seeing Help."

"George bit?"

"George bit."

Laughs echoed amongst the walls, sharing knowing glances at how loud the shrieking was. 

"Have to love sort of shared traumatic experiences. But I'm intrigued, who is your favorite of the four?"

"The Beatles or Queen?"

A slight smirk dances across his lips.

"Beatles? When I was younger, Paul. In more recent years, has to be John. I really respect his political work and his solo albums are so personal and raw."

He nods at your answer, agreeing.

"But with you lot? No one. Don't tell Freddie that, he'll plant something in my bed."

He answers in a hearty laugh.

'It's not like I can say you before we get back to working on a naked drawing of you...'

*** With Lennon playing on the speakers and more charcoal on paper, you're back at it again. Brian somehow managed to get himself back into the same pose with one or two directions from you. Things are now going easier considering the drawing is now just filling in the blanks until you couldn't get one detail right due to it being covered by his underwear. The more you try to remember how the muscles and bone look, the more incorrect it looks to your eyes. The inevitable needs to happen.

"Hey Brian, I'm hating to ask this but uh...I can't get the lower abs to look right with the pelvis. Could you....takeyourunderwearoff."

The last part just rushed past your lips as fast as you could. Your cheeks are bright red, a tell tale sign being how hot your face just became. It's even worse when he arches his brow.

"What was that last part?"

You sigh deeply.

"Could you...take your underwear off so I can get your pelvis a bit better?"

"Oh...uh, yeah."

His cheeks probably match yours but you cover your eyes while he strips the last bit of cloth standing between him being completely exposed in front of you.  

"Alright Y/N, you can look now."

His nervous laughter is puntuated with your eyes opening again. While you have a clearer view of the muscles in question, you also have a clearer view of other things.

You now understand why it's called a happy trail. 

Correcting his angles once again, you start where you just left off. Only to have the record stop playing, meaning you had to stand up and change the music. Meaning probably a clear view of his, what Freddie called, 'his third leg'. Hands slightly shakey as they remove the vinyl and put it back in its respective sleeve. Fingers lead their way towards Revolver, your go-to homework album. Once the intro of Taxman plays, you make your way back to your seat. During which, your peripheral vision does you dirty. 

Fred wasn't entirely kidding. Dear god, Y/N, you're almost done just finish your damn project so Bri can go home and you can take a cold shower...

You sit back down and sigh, taking your charcoal and getting back to work, correcting any inaccuracies caused by his underwear being in the way and adding more to his figure. Side one is over far too soon, causing you to get up and be betrayed by your eyes once again.

At least now it's just adding a bit of definition to the head and small details. Taking the blunt end of your charcoal stick, you begin adding some hair to the drawing. The couple hairs on his chest, a gesture of pubic hair and some messy lines for the curls on top of his head. Staring at his face now, he peeks his eyes open and winks at you then smiles. 

"I thought you weren't going to draw my face?"

"Just a little something so it's not just a blank shape."

"Alright. Do you want my eyes open or closed?"

"Do what you want, Bri."

His eyes land on the legs of your easel, moving them around a bit to follow the smudges of paint and charcoal about. Your eyes trace along the angles of his face, adding them to the basic head shape you added during the beginning steps. Browbone, cheeks, nose, eyes, brows, and gesture of his slightly open mouth put down on paper as you mark it done. Looking at the lower right corner of your paper and taking your thin marker, you write your name, class session, semester, and model's first name. 

"Alright Bri, I think we're good to go. Want to come take a look?"

Standing up and putting your robe back on, he walks behind the chair. His eyes take in the final composition, from the pillows to his curls all the way down to how to managed to get the angle right on his feet. The sofa, while made of basic abstract shapes, make him look like he's properly weighed out on the cushions. 

"It's weird seeing me like that."

"I bet. Talking with some of the models outside of class, they tell me it takes some getting used to seeing shit like this."

"Seeing what others see in your naked body is very...daunting. I think you made me look too good to be honest."

"I just drew what I saw, May."

You look up behind you and catch him blushing, looking down at you while smiling.

"You are incredibly talented, Y/N. If you don't get an A, I'm taking personal offense with your instructor."

You blush hard at the compliment while laughing at his comment. 

"Honestly, I would too. You made a beautiful model, Bri. It was an honor to draw you."

Why did I just say that?..

He looks away, face looking shy. He takes compliments almost as bad as you. He sits down back on the sofa, looking at you.

"Now, you did say at the bar that I'd be compensated for my time."

"That I did."

You start to pack away your drawing supplies before digging a can of hairspray out of your backpack. Spraying a light coat over your drawing, you let it dry before packing it away for safe keeping.

 His eyes watch you dismantle your workspace, showing him something you've done nearly a hundred times over. Little did you know, seeing you in your element like this made his heart swell. Brian knew you were an art student but never saw you at work. Little did he know, yours did the same when you saw him at practice or on stage. After cleaning up and putting furniture back in their right spots, you sit down in the chair to only find Brian patting the cushion next to him. Giving him a fake glare, you sit next to him. 

"I've been thinking of payment and would it just be fine if we ordered some take away and hung out? I'd feel bad taking your money."

"You sure? I'd feel bad not compensating you for your time."

"Y/N, I laid on your couch, chatted with you and listened to my favorite music. Yeah it was a bit weird considering I take a girl out before she sees me naked but hey."

You laugh nervously at his joke, blushing for probably the 53rd time that night.

"I'll get dressed and we'll head out, that good for you?"

"Yeah. I need to change clothes anyway."

"Why? You look cute covered in charcoal."

Your heart nearly jumps out of your chest like a looney toons character. You and the guys are used to calling eachother cute or handsome but something about him being just about naked underneath your robe after drawing him for nearly two hours makes your heart race at a dangerous pace. 

"Let's get ready, hmm?"

He stands up, clothes in tow as he walks to the bathroom. The sound of the door closing brings you back to the moment. Grabbing your pillows and sheet off the couch, you leave for your room. The slight smell of him lingering on the fabric fills your nostrils as you throw it towards your laundry basket. 

"Goddammit...don't get your hopes up. It's not like this is a date, Y/N..." You whisper under your breath. 

Grabbing the clothes you wore earlier today, you get dressed and apply a little extra deodarant and perfume. By the time you've put your shoes on and out of your room, he's slipping his shoes on. Even in mid-December, he's wearing his clogs. He hears your laughter from across the room.

"What's so funny?"

"Bri, it's Christmas in nearly two weeks and you're wearing clogs? If you slip on ice thanks to those things, I’m not helping you up."

"It hasn’t snowed yet, though! Have to wear them while there's still time. Besides, look who's bloody talking wearing canvas sneakers in the cold."

"At least my entire foot is in the shoe."

"That's it, I'm not letting you borrow my scarf if it's still windy. Not with that attitude."

You smack his arm and grab your purse off the coat rack. Locking the door behind you is the last thing before you two leave for any place that is still serving food at this hour. 

***

Only getting as far as a corner store, you two buy a couple drinks then enough snacks to constitute a meal. The walk back to the apartment was on the quiet side, Brian looking up to the sky every few blocks in a vain attempt to see any stars that would accompany the moon shining that night. Not much for viewing besides the waxing moon hanging above your heads, hundreds of thousands miles away. 

"Hey Bri?"

His features seem almost guilty, being caught in the act but he smiles at you.

"Would it be possible for you to teach me some things about what's up there? Fred's showed me some astrology stuff but it would be kinda cool seeing the constellations and what makes them, y'know?"

"I'd just talk your ear off."

"Can't be too bad, I deal with that already."

You wink as he rolls his eyes. 

"But I'm serious, I want to know a little bit about what you study in uni. Especially since we go to different schools, it'd be interesting seeing another side of academics that isn't just color theory or how to mathematically draw cylinders."

"How do you mathematically draw cylinders?"

"It's all about angles and where it sits in space, mostly. Getting that perspective correct. After enough practice I guess you can just sort of see it rather than drawing out all these different grids and lines."

"Does that tie in with drawing people?...That's probably a stupid question of course it does."

"It does but with that, you also need to keep in mind where things in the body are. In our class we also have to do these...sculpting lessons. We're given half a skeleton on a stand and we sculpt the muscles using clay."

He nods, listening to you talk about your coursework and your subject matters from basics to more focused studies. Once back to your apartment, you find Freddie has returned from the art building. The noises of you and Brian taking off shoes and coats made him pop his head around the wall.

"Y/N, lovie, how did your drawing session go?"

"Rather well! Want to see it?"

"Well of course, dear!"

You grab your and Brian's bags from the corner store and place it on the kitchen counter before heading over to your drawing pad, propped up against your chair. Nerves arise as you watch his eyes gaze over your work, the smell of the hairspray you used seal in the charcoal floating to your nostrils. 

"Fucking hell, this is brilliant. If you get a bad mark I'm visiting your professor during office hours and giving them a piece of my mind."

He looks down Brian's legs on the paper, your careful contour lines elegantly outlining the muscles. 

"I think you forgot a leg, though."

Brian's rolls his eyes as Fred's cackle fills the room. You slap the sketchpad closed and return it to it's spot next to your school bag. A sympathetic look is aimed towards your model. 

"Come on you two, lighten up. How about a game of Scrabble, hmm?"

"It is getting a little late, Fred, and Brian has to get back to his place."

"He knows he's welcome to crash on the couch if he wants."

The man in question looks between you two, biting his lip in thought.

"I wouldn't mind crashing here tonight. I'm sure Roger wouldn't mind the flat to himself."

"Then it's settled. You old ladies get your food out of the kitchen and we start this game."

What wasn't expected was Brian winning with such a lead. You could've sworn you've seen Fred's eyes glow red as he told the curly haired man to get out of his home for disrepecting him that severely. He went to bed infuriated as he left you two out in the living room to watch TV. 

"You sure you want to spend the rest of your Friday night here?"

"It's technically Saturday morning now."

"Smart ass."

He smiles and slowly leans towards you on the sofa, his warmth sneaking up the arm closest to him. 

"Hey Bri?"

He hums in response, eyes not leaving the program painting the screen.

"I never really properly thanked you for helping me with my assignment. You honestly saved my grade modeling for me."

He turns his head to face you, eyes looking at yours illuminated by the screen's light.

"You're more than welcome, love. It was interesting watching you work. You have this little face you make when you're really concentrated."

"Where I don't blink and my mouth is partially open? That's my focusing amphibian look."

He chuckles.

"Roger does the same thing but that's his confused look."

"I thought his confused face was this.."

You imitate the face you've seen many times during your homework sessions with the boys. Also when he tries to understand what Fred wants to do add extra flair to shows or songs.

"No, you're right. That's the one." He laughs. 

Comfortable silence floats around the air as you two continue watching telly. Thirty meants turn into 90 as the episodes of various shows play before you. Slight comments here and there said but it wasn't until Brian laid his head on top of your head that something was really spoken. 

"I have a question."

"Care to share with the class, May?"

You can feel his cheeks stretch out with a slight smile.

"Would you think less of me if I put my studies on hold when, or even if the band gets bigger? I know we only have one album out at the minute but I've thought about it and..."

Patting his knee, you spoke.

"I could never think less of you for persuing something like that. You and the guys have worked your asses off and if, no, when your hardwork pays off, grab those opportunities. You earned any success that comes your way."

He moves his head to look directly into your eyes.

"Knowing you, you'll eventually get your PhD but sometimes life throws you a curveball and you have to just roll with what it gives you. If it's Queen, then see it through."

Surprise washes over you as he gives you a hug, enveloping you in his arms tightly as his face creates a home in the crook of your neck. This breath along your skin giving away to goosebumps. 

"I've been thinking about this for weeks and um...."

"Did you already drop out, Bri?"

"No, no..."

"Uh huh..." You narrow your eyes at him.

"Seriously, Y/N, I haven't dropped out of uni. I've been thinking about...."

You pull away and look at his eyes directly, cheeks flushed even in the low light of the living room. 

"What is it?"

He sighs, looking down at his lap.

"You."

Eyes going wide, you look at anything but him. The stray floaty in the air, the reflection of light as a car drives past your flat, the one stray strand of yarn or whatever it is sticking out of the rug on the floor. 

"I'm not saying this because you drew me naked and I'm feeling obligated to but tonight made me realize something."

Your eyes finally focusing on your hands, fingernails picking at cuticles. 

"If this does become something larger than life, I don't want to leave you behind. When Freddie introduced us to you last year, there was something about you I couldn't shake off. I wasn't sure what it was the chalk pastel dust you were covered in or something else."

You smile at his words but your heart doesn't lighten up the speed at the rate it's beating. When it comes loose, it's going to skyrocket across the English channel.

"But now actually getting to know you over time and tonight made me come to the conclusion that....I certainly have feelings for you and I don't know what you want to do with that information."

Your fingers stop picking at a loose bit of skin on the side of your nail and you swear your heart just stopped in your chest. Eyes wide, you stare at him. Mouth agape, not knowing what to say other than just "Bri..."

"I can see I made you uncomfortable, I'm sorry. Maybe I should head ho-"

As he begins to stand up, you grab his wrist and pull him right back down towards your side. 

"Meeting you was one of the most profound days in my life, Bri. You...fuck,...I'm not a wordsmith and I'm nervous as all hell right now."

He smiles ever so slightly but his leg bounces with such vigor you wouldn't be surprised if your downstairs neighbor complained to the landlord tomorrow.

"And now hearing you may have feelings for me? Like...how do I even process this when it's something I've been wanting to hear for almost a year?"

It's now his turn for his eyes to buldge open in shock.

"When you first talked to me about astrophysics and I saw your entire demeanor light up with such passion, my heart damn near stopped. I couldn't focus on anything else but you. Even when you're just relaxed I feel like that. You're breathtaking and I'm pretty sure I went comotose and had a lucid dream seeing you perform with the boys for the first time."

He smiles, eyes looking directly into yours as your mouth just vomits out any word you promised to never let out.

"I've fallen for you so hard. I love your smile and laugh. I love the slope of your nose. I love that you've let your hair be curly because let's be real, you looked real questionable when you straightened it."

He laughs and you can tell his cheeks are heating up.

"I love that little noise you make when you find something interesting in your textbooks and your hums when you're thinking of a new song and your little eyerolls at the boys when they're being dumbasses and your sense of humor and just......fuck, look at you! You're so fucking handsome and that's even with the clogs!"

He grabs your hands, rubbing his thumbs against the knuckles. His smile shining so bright even with the low light from the television that's now taken a backside seat of your conversation. He looks down at your entertwined hands.

"Calling you a friend and wanting to see you has gotten me out of bed so many days Y/N, I've lost count. I can't even imagine if you'd be more than a friend to me but I guess we can find out."

Your smile has extended to lengths you didn't know possible. Letting go of his hands, you wrap your arms around him instead.

"I forgot to say this, but I also love your hugs."

A chuckle escapes his chest and he holds you tighter, a kiss lands on your cheek. Time goes by as shows flash before your eyes, eventually leading to you falling asleep in his arms with him not too far behind.

*** Hours pass before you awake, head laying on his lap and knees tucked in. Sitting up, you find him using the arm rest as his pillow, arms crossed underneath his face. He looks so peaceful and you don't want to take him up but you want to sleep in your bed. 

Dare you ask if he wants to join you?

It'll just be us sleeping together in the same bed and maybe cuddles...?

You brush his curls away from his face, tucking what you can behind his ear as you shake him gently. 

"Hey Brian..?"

He doesn't stir, contemplating on just his carrying his lanky ass to your room. 

"Bri.. wake up, hon. Come on."

You continue rubbing his upper arm until he stirs awake, opening his eyes and squinting at the screen's light.

"...What time is it?"

"Late. Would you want to sleep on the couch or my bed?"

"I'm fine out here, I don't want to take your bed from you."

You smile and chuckly slightly.

"I mean share the bed with me."

He smiles at the idea but eyes are shy.

"I'd like that."

You two stand up, him shutting up the TV and you leading the way to your room with his hand in yours. Navigating the small hallway at night lead to him bumping into you twice, and him saying apologies but you could not care less.

Once in your room and switching on the light, he's greeted to your own personal space. He can see canvases with studio projects painted on them under your bed, posters littering your walls. Some local band shows you've attended, a Queen one catching his interest. His eyes also catch your Beatles poster, the one from their White Album. He also sees the pillow he used earlier that day when he was modeling along with the robe tossed into the corner with the rest of your dirty laundry.

"I think I might have a pair of pants you could wear unless you're not a pants to bed kind of guy."

"No pants is what I normally go for but if you're uncomfortable with that I ca-"

"It's fine with me, just no funny business, May."

"Are cuddles out of the equation?"

"I sure as hell hope not."

He smiles and removes his necklaces, placing them next to your sketchbooks on top of the small desk next to the bed. You change into sleep shorts as he takes his trousers off. 

Never thought I'd see that twice today.

Shutting off the light and climbing into bed, he goes first, leaving you in your usual spot. Fluffing up the pillows and adjusting the blankets now done, He wraps you in his arms almost immediately, lips kissing your cheek gently.

"You have enough pillows, Bri?"

"Yes. Thank you, love."

"Want me to grab another blanket?"

He laughs gently, kissing your face one last time.

"I'm more than okay."

You turn around to face him head on, able to make out where his eyes are looking. Fingers playing with one curl, eventually leading to caressing the side of his face. Thumb tracing over one of his cheekbones.

"You're so handsome, Bri."

"Ever look at yourself?"

"Do you always kiss ass?"

"Not until the 3rd date."

You slap his arm, laughing.

"I guess with that comment I won't give you a kiss goodnight."

His face contorts in fake hurt. It's wiped off as soon as you bring your lips to his, fingers gently caressing his jaw as you kiss him. Almost as fast as it happened, it stopped. Smiles painting both your faces.

"Goodnight Y/N."

"Goodnight Bri."

Turning back around, you scoot closer to him. Arms around your waist and face tucked near your shoulder, you two fall asleep. 

*** You wake up before him. His arms are still wrapped around your middle and your legs entangled with one anothers. Your bladder urging you out of the warm confines of your bed, you carefully move out of his grasp to not awake him. Mission was successful as you close the door behind you, hearing Freddie in the kitchen as you walk to the bathroom. After giving yourself a pep talk while washing you hands, you face your roommate, face giving you a smirk.

"Y/N....I saw his god awful shoes by the door but he wasn't on the couch. Please tell me the details, darling!"

"Nothing really happened, Fred! We ended up talking after you went to bed and he sort of told me he had feelings for me and we passed out on the couch."

"He finally told you? About fucking time! You have no idea how much Roger got on his case. Even Deaky was begging him to shut up and ask you out. 'Oh how is Y/N doing? Is she free sometime soon, Fred? What should I get her for Christmas? What does she like? Do you think she likes me?'....every practice Y/N..every practice."

"At least I finally got around to it, Freddie."

He wrapped his arms around you, voice heavy with sleep.

"Now I get to annoy you about her even more now that we're dating."

Brian kisses your neck as Freddie pinches the bridge of his nose.

"Please don't subject us to that. We've suffered enough, dear."

***

aaaay, it’s done! Tbh, I got the idea for this fic after looking through some of my life drawing sketches. Also, a tip with charcoal or chalk pastel drawings from an art student...use hair spray. It’s cheaper than fixitive spray, works just as well, doesn’t affect the colors in chalk pastels, and doesn’t harm your lungs with the fumes (not nearly as badly, anyway). Besides that, thank you so much for reading, liking, reblogging, etc 💖���

[wherevermyway]

we’re professional. (2/??) // minbin // 18+

❄ part of yuki’s favourites! ❄

we’re professional. chapter two: concealed series navigation: [desktop] [mobile]

pairing: lee minho x seo changbin rating: explicit! 18+ warnings/tags: slow burn, angst, eventual sexual content, age difference, art student changbin, artist minho, fake dating AU. chapter warnings: heavy angst, implied masturbation, alcohol word count: 10,141 also on AO3

originally posted: 21 december 2020

series summary: Lee Minho, or Minho: The Heartless, is a famous artist, which comes with an annoying entourage of paparazzi that are very invested in his life.

Two years ago, a piece at UBC's annual student's exhibit catches Minho's eye: "arranged: in black", a series of greyscale paintings crafted by sophomore Seo Changbin. Minho talks with Changbin at length for hours, then offers to help him financially if they pretend to date for a while, so Minho can please the press. Naturally, a walking exhibit of the "starving artist" stereotype, Changbin accepts the offer wholeheartedly.

There are no strings attached: Changbin can leave at any time. Hell, Minho doesn't even ask him for sex in exchange for the money, just companionship and occasional skinship. Changbin knows that Minho is emotionally damaged from several bad relationships in the past, so to have someone pay him just for providing them company is nice. Sure, he could go off and date someone and work on settling down, but he just doesn't want to. Minho is too interesting, too valuable.

Eventually, something's gotta give. When it does, it could potentially damage their relationship and careers forever.

disclaimer: this is a work of fiction! any reference to persons in this work of fiction are purely coincidental. the characters referenced from Stray Kids are  interpretations loosely based on their personalities in the group and do  not represent the real people behind the personas. if this, or any of  the content included in the warnings above make you uncomfortable,  please stop reading now.

chapter summary: Two nights: one containing a lie, the other containing a truth. Both end up changing Changbin's life, but is it for the better?

There were two nights that changed Seo Changbin’s life forever, both involving his best friend, Seungmin. The first night that changed his life was the night of his sophomore showcase.

It was the night where Seungmin lied.

“‘arranged: in black’ is a stupid name for this set, isn’t it?” Changbin stood in front of the bright white wall, his posture slightly askew. He stared at four small square canvases with a silhouette painted in varying shades of black and white oils, trying to convey the varying degrees of grey he felt his life was consumed in. The canvases tilted to the left, he tilted to the right.

Something didn’t fit: was it the art, or the artist?

A young, neon pink-haired man behind him loudly snapped his gum right in Changbin’s ear and hummed loudly as he stared at the paintings. “Sounds pretentious.”

“Oh,” Changbin raised his eyebrows and gave the man a cocky look. “Yeah, and a self portrait painted in watered down red wine with the name ‘Dead Energy’ isn’t pretentious? Come on, Seungmin.”

Seungmin shrugged, turning back around to adjust the aforementioned painting on the wall behind him. “You asked for my opinion, dude.”

Changbin took a step towards his paintings, making the most minute adjustments to how they were situated against the wall. “No, I asked you if it was a stupid name. Not for you to give me your terrible opinion.”

“Okay,” Seungmin drawled out, as if he were about to prove a point, “then, fine, it’s a horrible name and I think you should change it.” To anyone that didn’t know the dynamic between Seungmin and Changbin, the banter may have come off harsh, but this was what worked best for them.

“Well,” Changbin rolled his eyes at his friend as he laughed. “I think your opinion sucks and I’m in too deep to go and fix my placards.”

In all honesty, Changbin had been looking for an excuse to change the name of his set. Seungmin’s reassurance, while masqueraded as an insult, helped give him the small amount of encouragement he needed to believe in the project, name and all.

Later that night, Changbin was aimlessly chatting with Seungmin when two well-dressed men walked past them. One was a blond that dressed in a simple black suit set, similar to the art professors: stylistically flat, but professional. Deliberately plain, so as not to distract from the art on display.

The other, however, caught Changbin’s eye. His aura was distracting Changbin from his conversation. The man, perhaps in his late twenties or early thirties, had dressed like he was a piece on display: everything placed on him was deliberate and purposeful. He was wearing a graphite turtleneck, a single earring that had a shiny silver safety pin and chain dangling from his earlobe, and a rose gold necklace adorned with a skirt-shaped onyx that nestled into the middle of his clavicle. He even wore fake, half-rimmed black glasses. Everything about him screamed out-of-place, yet oddly intriguing and untouchable.

“Wait a sec, Chan,” the intricately decorated man paused, taking a step back as he found himself unable to tear his eyes off of Changbin’s paintings. The strange man approached the canvases, and it made Changbin start to sweat. The way that the brunette pored over his work was different than the way his classmates or professors looked at it.

This strange man was analyzing his work, not just staring beyond it.

“Oh no,” Seungmin muttered, his expression dropping as he watched the two strange men hover in Changbin’s area.

“What?” Changbin nervously rubbed his thumbs into his palms and tried to stay composed. “Why did you say ‘oh no’? Seungmin, dude, what?”

The pink haired man stood in awe and shook his head. “You’re fucked, man,” he turned away, trying to get Changbin to stop staring. “Dude, I think that’s The Heartless.”

The black-haired man squinted in confusion. “‘The Heartless’? What the hell are you talking about? What does that have to do with me?”

Seungmin rolled his eyes with a heavy sigh. He leaned in, trying to make it less obvious that they were staring. “He’s brutal, that’s all I know. He’s a famous artist that’s got a lot of power in every gallery in Vancouver, owns all of the galleries in Victoria, helps manage several in Montréal and Toronto…” His voice tapered off as the both watched the two strange men observe Changbin’s paintings. “He’s really harsh on artists, even those that have work in his galleries. You’re fucked.”

“Shut up,” Changbin grumbled under his breath, digging his elbow into Seungmin’s rib cage. If it were anyone less intriguing, Changbin would never have let his body move on its own, drawn to the stranger like a magnet. Once he had gotten back into his own area, he lost all confidence he had somehow mustered up, the fancy brunette turning around at the sound of footsteps.

“Can I help you?” The brunette’s voice was cold, arrogant. Fitting, based on his appearance.

Changbin froze, trying to stutter out some sort of introduction. He could practically feel Seungmin cringing from a few metres away.

“Oh,” the mysterious man pointed over his shoulder, “you created these, didn’t you?”

It felt like all of the air in the gallery had been sucked through a vacuum. Everything was dreadfully silent. Changbin could only meekly nod twice, swallowing hard as he tried not to show panic on his face.

“Figures. The aura just kind of… fits.” The man turned back around, bringing his index finger between his teeth as he pondered.

The blond man next to the stranger smirked, eyeing the paintings, then the brunette. “You’re not really going to—“

A hand came in between the brunette and the blond, as the well-dressed man haphazardly drew his fingers out towards his compatriot. “Hush.” His gaze on the paintings remained unbroken as his eyes fluttered around each of the four small canvases. “Tell me,” he cleared his throat, looking at the placard stuck up next to the bottom right canvas, “Changbin, why did you pick the name ‘arranged: in black’ for this set?”

Changbin had a habit of being a bit too brash when he was nervous, almost as if it were a coping strategy for stressful situations. “Do you want the fake answer or the real one?”

The blond sucked some air in through his teeth, deliberately looking away from the situation, biting back a smirk.

The brunette with the fake glasses raised an eyebrow, then slowly turned his head to make eye contact with the student, his gaze intimidating and strong, like a criminal investigator. “So, you have two reasons. Interesting.” He licked his bottom lip, then folded his arms across his chest. “I want the boring answer first, then the fun answer. If I can guess the true answer, then I’ll surprise you.”

Despite the fact that Changbin was terrified, he managed to shake his nerves out as he folded his arms, mirroring the strange man in front of him. “The boring answer is that I liked the way it looked on the placards.” The stranger cocked his head to the side, clearly unimpressed with that response.

“The interesting answer is,” Changbin looked past the brunette as he casually walked over to his canvases, adjusting them to be neat and orderly again. “It’s how I arrange myself to best fit the way I blend in during any situation at hand.” He turns his torso a bit towards the brunette, but does not move closer, afraid that the stranger would smell his vulnerability and tear into him like a vulture. “How much white do I need to make my black match the graphite shade of your turtleneck, how much black I need to blend together with white to make the sterling silver shade of your safety pin earring. How much I need to arrange myself to conform. Hence, 'arranged: in black'.”

There is a very long, drawn out pause. The stranger chews on his index finger as he studies Changbin’s face, pondering something, but hiding his true expression. Seungmin takes a step forward, but quickly rescinds it as Changbin looks up at him and squints.

“Cat eyes.” The brunette says with a devious grin.

Changbin makes contact with the stranger again, cocking his head to the side in confusion. “Cat eyes?” He repeats, slowly and carefully.

The stranger takes a step forward and offers his hand out. “My name is Minho, from the Lee Family. I run a few galleries across Canada, but Vancouver and its eclectic artists refuse to relinquish me from its talons.” His face falls for a moment, then he offers a soft, albeit somewhat fake smile. “I want to buy these paintings from you. The character, the brutal honesty behind them is something I don’t see in many people, much less undergraduate artists.”

“Holy shit.” Changbin can hear Seungmin’s quiet interjection from afar. He looks down to Minho’s thin, bony hand, then accepts it without thinking.

Minho’s hand is cold. “Changbin. Seo Changbin, as I’m sure you’ve gathered.” He firmly shakes Minho’s icy hand, then shakes his head. “You seriously want to buy my paintings?”

A wide smile spreads on Minho’s face. “Absolutely.” He pulls out a thin wallet from his back pocket, rifling his fingers around it as he nods at the blond. “Chan, you’ve got a pen, right?”

“Yeah,” the other man reaches inside of his jacket, pulling out a weighty-looking pen. He presents it to the brunette, who accepts it with haste. Minho takes a step towards the wall, pulling a card from his hand, then proceeds to write something on the back of it.

As he turns around, he holds his hand out towards Changbin, card tucked neatly between his index and middle fingers. The younger man takes it, shoving it into his back pocket a bit haphazardly without looking it over. As Changbin fumbles with the card and his pocket, Minho takes a few steps closer, lightly grabbing on to Changbin’s upper arm as he leans into his ear. “Text me in a half hour. We can talk more later.”

As quickly as Changbin registers the words Minho says, the mysterious brunette and blond duo disappear, off beyond a white partition holding up a classmate’s draped canvas. “What the fuck was that?” Seungmin whispers in shock as he approaches Changbin.

“That was Lee Minho,” the black-haired man breathed, a relieved, yet nervous, grin curling up on his face. “He actually wants my paintings. I don’t know why, but I’ll take it as a win.”

As requested, Changbin sends off a text to the number written on the back of Minho’s business card. The young man bites his lip as he moves to tuck his phone into his back pocket, but it vibrates in his hand. “That was fast,” he sighs as he unlocks his phone.

20:46 | Unknown Sender: I’ll be there soon. Alone. 20:46 | Unknown Sender: I’d prefer it if you were alone, too.

Changbin’s heart skipped at the possible intention of Minho’s text message. Should he have shooed Seungmin away, against the younger man’s protests? Probably not, but he figured that it was a public area, and Minho likely wouldn’t do something shady.

Probably.

He aimlessly nibbled at his bottom lip as he stared at some of the mistakes on his paintings, likely imperfections that his mind was hallucinating to keep him busy. Why exactly was such a well-renowned artist interested in such simple paintings, anyways?

“They’re quite lovely,” Minho’s voice crept up, startling Changbin. The brunette didn’t react to Changbin’s visceral response, instead engrossing himself further in the brushstrokes that blended black and white into shades of muted grey.

“You startled me,” Changbin mumbled, regaining his composure. He stared at the same spot that he assumed Minho was looking at, noticing that there was an extra stroke of thin black in a sea of deep grey, somewhere it shouldn’t have been. His brow furrowed in irritation as Minho turned to meet his gaze.

The older man bit back a smile. “You’re looking for every imperfection, aren’t you?”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Not really,” Minho turns away from Changbin, folding his arms as he lets his eyes slowly scan every individual canvas. “I just know from personal experience.” He gingerly reaches his lean fingers out to the corner of one of the canvases, causing Changbin to tense in anticipation. “Pouring your soul into something for hours, days — hell, even weeks, for some projects — only to find everything possibly imperfect with it as soon as it’s presented to the public.” Minho delicately nudges the corner up a bit, evening out the canvas so all four looked even.

Changbin unclenches his fists, feeling sweat bead at his brow as he looks at Minho. The older man turns his head slightly, looking down at the black-haired man, scanning his appearance.

“When was the last time you ate something that wasn’t ramen or something frozen? You’re as grey as your silhouettes.”

The question was jarring. Did Changbin really look that unwell? “I mean,” he awkwardly moved to scratch the back of his head. “I usually have leftovers from the kitchen at work every night, so, last night, probably?”

Minho frowned in response. “Here I thought the ‘starving artist’ trope was just an aesthetic you were going for, match the grungy brushstrokes of your painting.” He dug into his pocket and spun on his heel. “Come on, we can discuss this somewhere a little bit more appropriate.”

Changbin knew all of the things he risked following a stranger — a well-known stranger that likely had many connections — away from the UBC campus, away from the same area of town he had been so familiar with for two years. He threw caution to the wind as he stepped into Minho’s black Tesla.

There was an air of relief that washed over Changbin as he watched Minho input directions towards downtown Vancouver. However, that relief turned into nervousness as he really took in the interior of the car. Everything about it screamed everything that Minho was, and Changbin was not: confident, financially stable, mature.

“What about your friend?” Changbin questioned, just to ease a bit of the awkward silence as they left UBC.

The brunette rolled his neck a bit, adjusting his seatbelt. “Chan? He drove here himself. Nearly subzero temperatures and he still wants to ride his stupid fucking motorcycle.” Minho laughed once, then the awkward silence came back with a vengeance.

Something wasn’t adding up, and it caused an uneasy ball of tension to form in Changbin’s stomach. “Why didn’t you tear into my paintings?” The younger man nervously blurted out as they drove down Fourth Avenue, not thinking before he spoke yet again.

Minho smirked as he looked over his shoulder, merging into a different lane. “So,” he chuckled as he turned back around, “I take it you’ve heard the rumours, then?”

“‘Minho, the Heartless”, yeah.” Changbin intertwined his fingers together, staring down at the way he was rubbing his thumb against his hand. “My friend Seungmin told me a bit about you before I approached you. That you’re brutal towards new artists, and even those that have their works on display in your galleries.”

“Figures,” the brunette tutted, rapping his fingers against the steering wheel. “That’s not…” he pauses, squinting a bit as he takes in a breath, “that’s not the real reason I’m labelled as ‘the heartless’, but it plays a key factor into it all.”

Changbin looks up, taking in the side profile of the man, watching the way passing streetlights would highlight his face in a warm shade of orange, contrasting with the harsh blue lights of the car’s displays.

“Rumour has it,” Minho brought his arm up to the door, then rested his head against his fist, “that I’m too cold to everyone. I’m rude to my clients, to my patrons, hell, that I had to have been brutal to my exes, because they never stuck around.” He tries to stifle s scoff into his fist. “Look, Changbin, I’m going to be honest.”

As they neared Granville Island, the warm yellow street lights turned into cold, blueish white LEDs that matched the lights in the car. The ball of tension in Changbin’s stomach expanded, constricting his lungs and causing his chest to tighten.

Minho tilted his head to the side, just enough to peer at Changbin over his false lenses, then back to the road. “I’m not interested in dating. I don’t do…” he pauses, spinning his fingers into an awkward circle to help him find the right word, “relationships in general: professional, personal, I try to avoid it all. Honestly, I just don’t like people.”

Somehow, Changbin was partially relieved, but that somehow left him with more questions.

“I’ve been burned by too many artists in the past, so don’t take it personally. But,” Minho paused and shrugged his shoulders, “your paintings pulled me in, made me want to get to know you just a little more. Maybe have you as a model for a sketch or two, buy that set of yours, help you out financially a bit. Student and mentor.”

“I couldn’t…” Changbin frantically interrupted, but lost his confidence quickly. Taking on too many shifts at the restaurant was killing him. He couldn’t remember the last time he slept for more than three or four hours a night. There was no way he had it in him to turn down such an opportunity, even if it hurt his pride a bit.

Minho smiled as Changbin went silent. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask you for anything weird or sexual. I just have this itching feeling like I’m not giving back to the community that propped me up when I was low. You don’t have to give me an answer tonight or even tomorrow. Let’s just celebrate your talent and get you something that will give you more than just salt and simple carbohydrates.”

They spent their first unofficial date getting to know each other. Minho was 29, had lived in Vancouver for his whole life. He did his first two years of his Bachelor’s of Fine Arts at the University of Toronto, then came back to Vancouver when the vibes of Toronto stopped meshing with him. “It’s a hellhole, really,” Minho kept the prongs of his fork between his teeth as he reminisced. “Clearly, so is Vancouver, but at least Vancouver feels like home.”

Changbin shrugged his shoulders, still a bit tense. He felt like he didn’t fit in at this high-end restaurant. The large plates with small amounts of food distracted him too much, like it was a mockery of how the wealthy always had to over-embellish even the smallest things in their possession.

“You’ve lived here your whole life, right, Changbin?” Minho set his fork down on the tablecloth, then clasped his hands together and rested his chin on the bridge his fingers made. The overhead spotlight illuminated his brown hair, highlighting the undertones of orange and black in certain spots. If Changbin was ever going to be interested in dating again, he would have considered Minho as a potential suitor.

Dating, however, was something Changbin wasn’t sure he’d ever be interested in again. Everyone thought that he and Felix would stay together forever, since that’s what high school sweethearts should do, and Changbin agreed for the longest time. He agreed with the sentiment, until he found one of their classmates in the bed he shared with Felix.

Love was dead, and Changbin believed it should stay that way.

“Vancouver?” He perked up, taking a sip of water from his glass, awkwardly looking away from Minho’s gaze. “Yeah, mostly. Lived in Nanaimo for a couple years until my parents split and my dad moved back here. I missed it too much to stay away.” It was mostly the truth, but that wasn’t relevant. Why bother spilling any more information on someone he barely knew?

“Interesting.” The way that Minho squinted at him, staring him up and down, stayed in Changbin’s mind for too long. There was a methodical, yet mindless way that Minho grazed his teeth against his bottom lip when he listened to Changbin ramble something off. If it really enraptured his attention, he would bring his index finger between his teeth and nod his head a couple of times.

Minho was attractive, not because of his physical features, but because of the way that he drank in the way that Changbin interacted with him. It was one-sided and a bit foolish, but that was the fun of it. He could toy with the idea of it in his head, flirt with the idea of what ifs, with none of the repercussions or demands of an actual relationship.

At the end of the night, when Minho dropped Changbin off at his dorm nearly two hours later, the younger man agreed to see him again the next weekend, where they’d discuss the more technical agreements of their arrangement.

Tonight, however, Changbin would let ideas run through his head, ideas of how Minho’s voice would sound in his ear, how his breath would brush up on his neck, and how his fingers would dance over his body. The black-haired man sighed as he nestled himself in between his sheets, allowing his mind to creatively extrapolate on some details as he hooked his thumbs into his waistband.

Nothing else mattered tonight.

The second night that changed Changbin’s life was the Sunday night after the fake engagement story went live.

It was the night where Seungmin told the truth.

“Look, dude,” Seungmin frowned as he sat on the opposite side of Changbin’s couch. “I wanted to say something a while ago, but I wasn’t sure how to bring it up. I just… I knew. It was obvious. Changbin,” he paused, trying to duck into the bluenette’s line of vision, “you’re in love with Minho. It’s kinda gross, not gonna lie. I haven’t seen you this infatuated over anyone in years. Genuinely thought you were gonna die alone with me or something.”

Changbin brought his knees up to his chest, staring aimlessly at his fingernails, like he could get lost in the sunsets hidden away in his cuticles, anything to avoid actually addressing how he was starting to feel over Minho. He could ignore it, hope that everything would go away, hope that Seungmin was just wrong and overanalyzing.

“Come on, Binnie, it was going to happen eventually,” Seungmin’s voice is quiet, like he was afraid of how Changbin would react. He leaned in, resting a hand on the bluenette’s arm. “Changbin.” The older man sucked his cheek in between his teeth as he pensively looked up at his friend. “This is gonna go one of two ways, probably. You’re either going to keep going through with all of this, say nothing, then end up heartbroken years down the line when he wants nothing to do with you out of the blue. Or…”

“Or?” Changbin tipped his head down, wincing as he looked at the younger man.

Seungmin sighed, shaking his head and closing his eyes. “You can risk it. Tell Minho you care about him, more than you agreed upon initially. See what his reaction is, probably suppress some of the inevitable heartbreak.”

The bluenette stared down at his hands, gaze getting caught in the pinkish groove between two of the diamonds in his new ring. How much distance was there between the gap of ‘friendship’ and ‘lovers’, between ‘casual’ and ‘professional’? “You think it’s a bad idea, don’t you?” He doesn’t look away as he timidly questions Seungmin. The question felt rhetorical as the words left his lips.

Seungmin runs a hand through his auburn hair, then grabs Changbin’s wrist as he softly smiles. “I want you to be happy.”

“So, you definitely think it’s a bad idea,” Changbin laughs as he sinks into the couch.

“Don’t put words in my mouth,” Seungmin laughed, playfully slapping Changbin’s arm. “I think it’d be a bad idea if you didn’t tell him. I don’t know him very well, but Minho does seem to genuinely care about you, from the little I’ve seen, especially over the last year.”

Changbin’s lips flutter as he sighs in frustration. “That’s the worst part. I know he cares, but I don’t have any hard evidence of it. It’s all a gut feeling, and the uncertainty of that just makes me queasy.”

“The ring, though,” the younger man grabs the hand Changbin won’t stop staring at. “You really think that someone that didn’t care about you would have put in that much effort and money for something like this? For it to all be a fluke?”

Seungmin had a point. He always did: he knew people well, especially Changbin and people that interacted with him. He was the first to suggest that his ex wasn’t as innocent as he came off as, and he was the first to offer a shoulder to cry on when Changbin eventually got burned.

“Look, you should tell him. Maybe tell him after the engagement party, since that’s already all planned out and, hey, free publicity if it fails, I guess.” Seungmin suggested, then pulled Changbin into an awkward, but much needed, hug. “If he rejects you, I’ll help you get a crab pot and we can throw him overboard somewhere far past Vancouver Island.”

They both laughed hard enough to cause tears to roll down their faces.

“This is why you’re my best friend, Seung. I don’t know where I’d be without you.”

Seungmin shrugged his shoulders and scoffed. “You’d be bored, but I would be too.”

Neither Changbin nor Minho sent inane texts to the other throughout the day like they used to. There were a few messages here and there, but an obvious rift had developed between the two of them since the last time they spoke.

It was stupid, really. Changbin shouldn’t have gotten upset over how much Minho had dropped on a real engagement ring for a fake relationship.

“That’s almost as much as my tuition!” The bluenette shrieked when he heard how much the ring was worth. “Five and a half thousand dollars? Minho, what the fuck?”

This was the first time that Minho was upset in front of Changbin, the first time where it felt realistic, like there was a passionate drive behind his anger. “Why are you so obsessed with the cost of this? Aren’t you in this for the money, anyways?”

Changbin shook his head a couple of times, physically taken aback by Minho’s wording. The older man stumbled on his words as he tried to form an apology, but the bluenette pulled away, storming off of the bed. He slipped his button-up shirt on from the day prior and continued shaking his head.

“I didn’t—”

“You didn’t mean it, right?” Changbin scoffed, gathering his things as he made his way to the door. “You didn’t mean to indirectly accuse me of just being a whore, right?”

To some extent, though, it was true. He knew it as the realization sank to the bottom of his heart. There was nothing physical going on between the two of them, just a professional mentorship and financial transactions. There were no budding feelings, especially not when Changbin would wake up to Minho’s soft hands on his shoulders. There were no burning feelings, definitely not when Minho would pull Changbin into a soft, tight embrace as he bid him farewell, lingering a moment too long every time they parted.

Strictly professional, Changbin. He had to keep repeating it in his head.

If he repeated it enough, that meant it was true, right?

He consistently reminded himself over the two weeks that had passed, and it felt like it was working, even with the engagement party coming up on Saturday.

“Strictly professional,” the young man sighed under his breath as he stared at his phone, staring down at the reminder that popped up. Tomorrow was the day where they were going to formally announce their engagement at a party downtown in a high-end restaurant that one of Minho’s friends owned.

11:30 | Minho: I’m sending over one of my drivers tonight for your final fitting. He should be there not long after you’re out of class, around 16:20.

Concise. Very professional, just like Changbin would expect from Minho.

11:32 | sent: I assume you’re going to be busy with another arrangement so I’m not going to see you tonight either, am I?

It was a bit bitchy, Changbin had to admit, but at least it felt somewhat cathartic to send off. A few bubbles popped up on screen as Minho typed a response, but they suddenly cut out and he didn’t respond. The bluenette shrugged, sighing heavily as he locked his phone and shoved it in the droopy front pocket of his sweatshirt.

Strictly professional.

He didn’t get another text message until he was halfway through one of his open studio blocks. Black paint had dripped down from the brush in his hand, splattering down on the floor and onto his Converse as he stared at his phone, somehow narrowly avoiding dropping it to the floor as his jaw dropped.

15:02 | Minho: I just rearranged my schedule to make sure I’d go along with you. Might as well make sure that all of the money I’ll drop on a custom fitting for you highlights all of your features in the ways that they deserve. 15:03 | Minho: I want everyone’s eyes on you. It’s as much your night as mine, and you should feel as handsome as you look. 15:04 | Minho: That’s what they say in the movies, right?

Changbin’s eyelids felt heavy and sticky as he blinked rapidly, fully processing Minho’s texts, running them over in his mind, practically hearing his voice whisper in his ear. All of the anger he had harboured over Minho in the past few days dissipated as he set his paintbrush on the side table next to his wooden frame and canvas. He felt like all of the colour faded from his face as he stared at his phone.

The last text was to ease the tension, a bit of an extinguisher to the fire Minho caused in Changbin’s stomach. He had to know what he was saying and what kind of effect it would have on the younger man, right?

15:08 | sent: All of my features? 15:08 | sent: In what ways do they deserve to be highlighted? You’re the master artist, here after all, so I’d love to hear your opinion.

There was a knot in Changbin’s stomach as he sent off the texts. His pulse was elevated, breaths a bit shallower than normal, and he had to lean up against the metal stool that sat behind him. He stared ahead to the painting he was working on, but he wasn’t looking at it as he brought his thumbnail up to his teeth. Yes, he needed to apologize for how he acted the last time they spoke in person, but that seemed so minute right now.

His phone shook in his hand, vibrating twice. With haste, Changbin brought his phone back up, breaking his line of vision to his canvas. His eyes went wide and he slowly sucked his bottom lip in between his teeth as he read over the words several times.

15:11 | Minho: Love, you know I’m more of a tactile feedback person and not a wordsmith, right? 15:12 | Minho: All the time you’ve been spending working out — it shows. I notice it when you’re laying next to me, snoring away into your pillow. It’s very… distracting. 15:14 | Minho: It’s only fair that I, the very well-respected and influential artist, make sure that all of your hard work is accented well. Hidden, but merely enough shown off to get people to wonder: who is Seo Changbin? How did Lee Minho manage to get such a talented, attractive person to carry on his arm? To call him his own forever?

This was breaking the boundaries of their relationship dynamic they came up with initially, but Changbin didn’t care. His toe was in the water, and the promise of its warm embrace was too much to turn away, even if it meant he was potentially selling his soul to the devil, ruining his life for a moment of warmth he hadn’t experienced in years.

15:16 | sent: Oh, so it’s just about arm candy, huh? 15:16 | sent: I’m more interested in why you consider me sleeping as distracting, though. Sounding like a bit of a serial killer. 15:17 | sent: Especially when you say that I’ll be yours forever.

Changbin didn’t bother locking his phone, watching the little text bubbles pop up and disappear several times over, groaning a bit each time that they weren’t followed by an actual message. Less than an hour to go until he was done with this block, and he would see Minho. He would be in his car, able to get close and push the limits of their agreement. A hand on the thigh, which was normal, could slowly creep up and in towards the sensitive skin of Minho’s upper thigh.

He didn’t mean to get distracted, but he couldn’t help letting his mind wander. Minho seemed like the type that would feel his partner up in the back of his car, leave bite marks and imprints from their shoulder, all the way up to the back of their ear. Changbin could practically feel the hairs on the side of his neck stand up in response to what Minho’s warm breath would feel like.

A buzz.

Changbin looked side to side in embarrassment, realizing he was practically having a wet dream out in the middle of his studio. Nervously, he cleared his throat and looked down to his phone as he felt his face warm.

15:20 | Minho: You’re always more than eye candy, I hope you know that. 15:21 | Minho: I can assure you, I am not a serial killer. Sure, that’s what all serial killers say, but when would I have the time for that? Seems like too much labour.

A disgruntled sigh came up from Changbin’s lungs. Naturally, he was looking too far into Minho’s texts, inserting inappropriate context between the words. Perhaps nearly three years without physical attention from another person was having an effect on his body. He thought about responding, but he didn’t have it in him to craft a witty, yet appropriate, response.

As Changbin stood up and awkwardly shuffled his legs around a bit to adjust the distracting erection building between his legs, he checked his phone one last time before reaching out for his paintbrush, but found himself nearly doubled over as he leaned over the side table with a gasp.

15:26 | Minho: Judging by your lack of response, I hope this means you’re being smart and focusing on your studio time, so you’ll ignore this message. 15:27 | Minho: You’re treading water that’s dangerous. I don’t know if you want to dive in and see how deep the water is. Could be cold.

Changbin responded without thinking.

15:28 | sent: I know how to swim. I’m not scared.

His hands were shaking with anticipation as he waited for Minho’s response. There was no way he was going to be able to concentrate on painting, so he gradually started rinsing off his brushes and sorting through his supplies. Every ten seconds or so, Changbin would stare at his phone, waiting for it to light up with another message.

Ten minutes had passed, and he was worried he had fucked up. He had stopped looking at his phone and was, again, staring at his painting. He was just going to leave it up over the weekend, since he would probably just come back to it in the middle of the night on Sunday night, when he normally had a random bout of inspiration hit him.

Unless, of course, the plan of confessing to Minho on Saturday would cause his regular Sunday plans to be pushed back. That would be a worthy sacrifice for his art.

Changbin was about to turn away from his painting when he felt a hand on the small of his back, and a familiar voice creep up into his ear. “I see black is a common theme in your paintings again.”

Minho.

The crafty bastard really showed up early and had the nerve to sneak up on Changbin. Instead of reacting in fright, the younger man leaned into the touch, tilting his head slightly back. “If I recall correctly, you like seeing black in paintings. Greyscale pieces have a history of winning you over.”

“Ah,” Minho sighs, letting his hand slowly move closer and closer to Changbin’s side. “So it’s for me?”

“Engagement present, I think,” Changbin shrugged. “That’s what most couples do, right?”

“Yeah,” Minho whispered, then slowly pulled away from Changbin, “but I don’t think we’re like most couples, hmm?”

Changbin let his eyes flutter shut in frustration. Every two steps forward felt like it was accompanied by one to three steps backward. If he were alone, he would scream into a pillow, but he would just shove it down for now. He turned toward Minho with a fake smile on his face. “So,” he tried to bite back his frustrations, knowing he was coming off as irritated. “Any special reason you showed up early?”

His words sounded innocent enough, but the look on his face fell more along the lines of, ‘perhaps my texts sparked some curiosity?’

Minho’s eyes darted to the side, his lower eyelids squinting up for a split second. “I really didn’t want to be late.” That’s a lie. “Traffic about now can be unpredictable.” Another lie. Inbound downtown traffic was busy on Fridays, but not until after 16:30.

“But you didn’t stay in the car.” Admit you wanted to see me.

“I’ve come up to say hi before.” Minho leaned onto Changbin’s side table, arrogantly running a free hand through his hair. He was posturing, testing Changbin on something, but what?

Changbin took a cautious step forward, seemingly towards his set of paintbrushes on the table, but ready to pivot to Minho at the first sign he was given. He desperately wanted to be bold with his words, but he couldn’t quite get them to come out right. “You left a meeting early to come see me on a day you hadn’t planned to.” He paused, rolling his eyes up to stare down Minho. “It’s been two weeks since you’ve seen me. I think you left and came here because you miss me.”

This would be the part of the movie where they would run off to the grungy public washroom and haphazardly make out with each other, crying over how ignorant and stupid they had been with each other’s feelings. Perhaps Changbin was projecting a bit of his desires into the idea of their movie life, but, regardless, nothing was happening.

“That’s not inaccurate,” Minho shoves away from the counter, his face warming with a reddish tint as he steps away, towards the canvas. He feigns interest as he stares in between the strokes of paint that were slowly coming together to form an image. “I suppose I do miss you. I don’t like waking up without you on a Sunday morning.”

There’s an easy solution to that problem.

“I miss your cups of blonde roast Starbucks on Sunday mornings,” Changbin counters, still too afraid of the words he really wants to say. “You’ve gotten me hooked onto it. I can’t seem to make it the same way you do, and it just doesn’t taste right.”

Minho clears his throat and checks his wristwatch. He sighs, then turns to look at Changbin with a smile. “Are you almost done packing up?” The smile is fake, like he’s hiding something. Again, Minho is hard to read. “I’d like to leave a bit early, beat any traffic into town, yeah?”

They don’t say much as Changbin finishes packing up his supplies. The walk from the studio to the car is without any commentary at all. The driver opens the side door, offering his hand out towards Changbin for his bag of supplies, which he hands off with a bit of a scowl. Minho walks over to the other side of the car, opening the door to his side while the driver is preoccupied helping Changbin.

Within a couple of minutes, they’re going down the usual route down Fourth Avenue again, and Changbin’s scowl grows until he can’t handle the ballooning irritation. He snaps his head over to stare at Minho, shocked to find that the man is already staring at him, albeit a bit distant.

Minho walks his fingers over the empty space between them, then gingerly reaches out to touch Changbin’s arm, softly gripping his forearm. “I’m sorry I’ve been distracted these past two weeks.” His apology feels sincere, albeit stunted. Minho slides his hand down to interlace his fingers in the space between Changbin’s, where everything comes together and feels right. “This whole engagement announcement has been stressful, which I know isn’t an excuse. I should have done better to give you some more attention.”

Changbin leans in a bit closer, perhaps subconsciously being pulled into Minho like a magnet. “It’s alright, Minho, you don’t need to apologize.”

“But I do, love.” Just when Changbin thinks Minho will drop his guard, he turns his head to the side, staring out of the windshield far in front of them. “I just don’t want to fuck this up. Sure, this is a business arrangement, but I value our friendship.”

To anyone else, the word ‘friendship’ probably wouldn’t feel like the way it sounded when a cat scurried across the keys of a piano. It felt discordant, off-key, and wrong. Still, Changbin was tired of trying. He put on a fake smile, then rested his head on Minho’s shoulder, like he always did on their drives into the city. “Our friendship is nice, Minho. There’s nothing else like it.”

“Right,” Minho calmly breathed as he turned his head away, gazing out of the window.

“Well,” the tailor stood upright and smiled up at Changbin, “luckily, I don’t need to make any major alterations. I’ll take in a couple of small things just to accentuate the fit on you, make it look nicer.”

Minho sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees and trying to hide a coy smile. “Thank you.” His gratitude for the tailor was there, but it clearly was not Minho's top priority. Changbin watched Minho take in the sight of him, languidly gliding his gaze up from the floor to the top of Changbin’s blue hair.

The tailor excused himself, humming to himself as he left the room, poring over the notes on his notepad. Changbin arrogantly stuck his hands in his pockets, kicking out one of his legs as he bit his lip. “You look like you wanna eat me, serial killer.”

"Maybe I do," Minho teases as he playfully clacks his teeth together. His expression softened as he stood up, slowly making his way around the small podium that the bluenette stood on top of. “You remind me of an intricately designed wedding cake. So sturdy, but embellished just enough to be draped in delicateness.” He stopped in front of Changbin, looking up to him with a soft smile and offering his hand to help him down the steps. “Most importantly, you look handsome. Everyone’s going to be caught up in you, love.” He may not have been a wordsmith, but Minho had to have had an idea of the effects his words had.

The younger man smiled, then purposefully stumbled a bit on the steps so he could collide his way into an embrace. “Oh,” Changbin sighed, “guess I lost my footing.”

“Guess you did,” Minho smirks, helping reorient the younger man upright. “You should be more careful. I’d hate to see you slip and fall where I’m not around to catch you.”

“Well,” Changbin winks at the older man before he turns around, back to the dressing room, “guess I’m lucky you’re my fiancé and you’ll catch me when I fall, huh?”

The party is a lot more nerve wracking than Changbin expected. Eyes were following him around everywhere, and he was constantly cornered by strangers that didn’t actually care about the questions they were asking him. Several people asked him questions that were clearly digs at just getting to know more intimate details about Minho and his personal life.

Eventually, he finds Seungmin over by the bar. He quickly makes his way over, grabbing a half-empty bottle of champagne off of the counter with one hand, then Seungmin’s arm with the other hand. “Need you.”

Seungmin interjects with a yelp, turning around quickly and following Changbin without spilling his drink. They made their way through the kitchen, through the back of the building, out to where the line cooks and other staff would run and hide for their smoke breaks.

“Why are you freaking out, Bin?” Seungmin knew that something was wrong without even asking. He took a sip of his drink, quietly cursing the cold under his breath.

Changbin took a swig of champagne directly from the bottle, wincing at the carbonation and the sting of the alcohol. He coughed twice, then leaned up against the exterior of the building in exasperation. “This is too fucking much,” he sighed, looking up at the way his breath clouded up, then faded off into the night sky. “He knows a lot of people, and they’re all so goddamn nosy.”

Seungmin scoffs, taking another sip of his drink as he walks over to Changbin, leaning up on the building next to him. “Welcome to the lifestyles of the rich and famous. Kind of a shitty price to pay, if you ask me.”

The older man scoffs, taking another drink from the bottle in his hand. “Yeah, but like, it wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t like him.”

“Love him,” Seungmin arrogantly corrected him.

“Shut up,” Changbin rolled his eyes and scoffed. “Okay, yeah, so I do love him. Maybe I’ll just keep it hidden.”

He didn’t need to turn his head to know that Seungmin was glaring at him.

“You know that's—”

“—a dumb idea, yeah.” They stared up at the sky for a few more minutes, sipping on their drinks of choice until they started shivering from the cold. Seungmin pushed off of the wall, about to say something, but Changbin couldn’t stop his mouth from spouting off his concerns again. “I’m gonna finally tell him tonight I think. When we go home. I get the feeling he’ll like that.”

“Awfully romantic,” Seungmin shivered as he smiled.

Changbin shrugged his shoulders, bobbing his head back and forth a couple times. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, though.”

“Changbin,” the false redhead placed his free, cold hand on the shoulder of his friend. “If he rejects you, he’s missing out, and that’s on him, not you. You’re my best friend, so yeah, I’m a little biased, but I know you’re a catch.”

The bluenette smiles, then stands up straight. “Where would I be without you, Seung?”

“I dunno, dead maybe?” They both laugh for a moment, before Seungmin loudly shudders as he shivers. “Come on, it’s fucking cold. Let’s go back inside, yeah? I wanna drink more of this rich people shit on your fiancé’s dime.”

Changbin smiled in appreciation. His best friend was truly a gift he didn’t deserve. “Yeah, yeah, let’s go.”

They had been inside for maybe thirty seconds before Minho found Changbin, making a quick beeline towards him, politely excusing himself away from some riveting conversation about how he met Changbin two years ago for the nth time.

“Changbin, love,” he sighed in desperation as he caught up to the two cold men. “I think we should do the toast soon, because this is beyond exhausting.” Seungmin winked at Changbin before he snaked his way out of the conversation.

The bluenette tried to shove Seungmin’s words of encouragement down as he nodded his head. “That’s a great idea, Minho. Let’s go get this over with, so people stop asking us the same ten questions thirty times in a row.”

“Oh my god,” Minho sighed, colliding his forehead against Changbin’s shoulder. “If I have to answer ‘he’s so unlike your usual friends, how’d you meet?’ one more time, I might lose it and actually turn into a serial killer.”

Changbin rubbed his cheek against Minho’s head, then offered him a quick pat on the back. “We’ll get through it, I promise.”

“I know, I know.”

The toast had started off normal, seemingly fine. There were pleasantries, Minho gave a brief introduction about himself and the projects he had been working on, giving some half-true, half-bullshit explanation about how he and Changbin met and fell in love. Some of the details of how they fell in love, including how they were in love in the first place, caused discomfort inside Changbin.

“Binnie, love?” Minho’s hand on Changbin’s back brought the younger man back to focus on the conversation. “Maybe you should introduce yourself?” That wasn’t really the question Minho was asking him. The look that the older man gave him was one of concern, as if he were asking him if he was actually alright.

“Right,” Changbin muttered incoherently, grabbing the microphone from Minho. “As you’ve heard, I’m the Changbin everyone seems to be talking about tonight. Seo Changbin.” He pauses, scanning the room for Seungmin, who is giving him a subtle thumbs up with a wince on his face. “Minho and I met at an art exhibit two years ago, where he told me he valued the honesty and the character behind my paintings.”

A couple of people make some sort of half-assed ‘aww’s and ‘ooh’s.

“I was worried about him, since my friend had just given me a crash-course on how Minho was supposedly some big, scary art critic. He was so scary, in fact, that he was known as The Heartless. A name, to this day, that I disagree with.” Changbin smiles, looking over to Minho, who returns a soft gaze and delicate smile. The younger man reached his hand out, and they interlaced their fingers together, getting close to the other, until they were practically embracing.

“I am very lucky to hopefully spend the rest of my life with a man like Minho. He’s not only very artistically gifted, but he’s kind and I do love him from the bottom of my heart.”

While Changbin meant every word he said, he simply read off the words that Minho asked him to memorize the night prior. It was honest, but its intentions were false, which caused a bit of nausea inside the young man. He passed the microphone back to Minho, letting him wrap up the speech with the same banal, inconsequential words he had probably come up with and memorized beforehand.

The words would sound nice, please the crowd, and get some annoying stragglers off of their backs for the rest of the party. Changbin held his customer service-style smile on his face until he stepped away from the makeshift stage. He made his way towards the kitchen again, trying to rid himself from the people that wanted to insincerely congratulate him. He heard people talking shit about him as he made his way through the crowd, gritting his teeth as certain words like ‘whore’, ‘sellout’, and ‘fake’ seemed magnified and heavier than they were.

Changbin watched a couple of staff members head outside for a break, and he growled in irritation to himself, eventually leaning up against a countertop, pressing his head into his palms. He wasn’t even that upset over one specific thing, it was just a lot of things suddenly compounding, along with the tension of the overall situation.

“Changbin?” Minho’s voice was soft, quiet, as it came through the entrance of the kitchen. “Love, are you alright?”

His brain told him just to say that he wasn’t feeling well, tell some bullshit white lie that they could brush over. His heart, however, spoke up for him. “What are we doing, Minho?”

The brunette shook his head, then brought his hand up, almost sarcastically. “Announcing our engagement. I thought that was obvious.”

“Not that,” Changbin sucks in a quick breath of air through his teeth. “Put all this to the side for a second. What are we doing? How much of your speech was true? A lot of it seemed too hyperbolic and shallow, and it’s not sitting well with me.”

Minho squints in discomfort, a look of disbelief on his face as he looks at Changbin with confusion. “I’m sorry, what? Was I supposed to tell them that our entire relationship is false?”

“Entire relationship?” Changbin scoffed, all of the tension from before compiling together, and that was the final straw. “Fuck that. No, fuck that.” He pushed off of the counter with frustration, making his way through the back door and past the few staff members and through their cloud of nicotine.

“Changbin, wait,” Minho ran after the younger man, nearly sliding as his shoes came into contact with the icy concrete. “What’s gotten into you?”

The bluenette sucks in air through his teeth as he turns, staring down the older man. His face was contorted into a bitter scowl, and he was visibly shaken. “I don’t fucking understand you, you know?”

“What?” Minho panted, clouds of vapourized breath coming from his mouth, travelling past him on a bit of wind. “What did I say, Changbin?”

There’s a scoff that comes from Changbin, one that’s laden with frustration and a bit of sadness. “You’ve been saying a lot lately, Minho, that’s part of the problem.” He brings his hands up to his hair, gently tugging on the strands as he sniffles, partially due to the cold, partially due to his emotions. “I can’t fucking read you.”

“I’m not a book, Changbin,” Minho takes another step closer and rolls his eyes, “you can communicate your problems to me and we can discuss them.”

“You’re right. You’re not a book, and I believe I’m right in assuming that I’m more than a business deal to you.”

Minho shakes his head in disbelief, eyes nervously darting around. “What?” This interjection sounded shocked and breathless, less arrogant and confident than the other interjections came off as.

Changbin knows he shouldn’t ask it, not with how much tension is in the air, and how loaded the question is, but his heart causes him to act irrationally yet again. “Do you love me, Minho?”

There’s a gust of cold air that blows between them, causing Changbin to shiver. Minho tries not to notice, but his voice trembles when he repeats the question. “Do I love you?”

Another useless response.

“God, you’re so fucking dense,” Changbin muttered under his breath, angrily taking a couple of steps closer, centimetres away from the brunette now. “Do you want to know something, Minho?” There’s a pause after Changbin’s rhetorical question; the younger man feels the warmth of Minho feeding into his energy as he takes in a deep breath. “I realized it the morning after the fake proposal. I was upset at how much money you spent on a fake engagement ring, for a fake relationship that was probably going to end within a couple of years, if we’re being optimistic. You put in so much effort for something fake, and I was putting in a lot of emotional investment into someone that I’m supposed to have nothing more than a business deal with.

“I remember talking to Seungmin that night, and he told me straight up. He told me that I was in love with you. Beyond interest, beyond infatuation. Actually in full-fucking-blown love, something I didn’t know I was even capable of doing anymore.” A sarcastic scoff punctuates Changbin’s sentence as he licks his bottom lip, looking away from Minho. “I thought it was stupid, that I could shove it down and ignore it. But the truth is, Minho,” he tilts his head back, looking at Minho with a heavy gaze, like he was teetering on the edge of anger and despair, “I didn’t mean for it to be like this. I meant for it all to stay professional, like we wanted it to be, but I can’t do it. I can’t fucking do that anymore, Minho.”

There’s a stutter as Changbin’s deep inhale gets caught in his throat. He inhales once again, and slowly breathes out, before he lets the words just fall from him. “I really do think I love you. I don’t know where to go from here, and I don’t know if you can understand how terrified I am.”

Minho doesn’t quite know how to respond. He watches a few tears start to roll down Changbin’s face, breaking down the confidence that was there for a fleeting moment. He instinctively reaches up to brush the tears away, causing the younger man to melt into his touch. A couple of rare wintry snowflakes fall in between them, one landing and subsequently melting on Changbin’s nose. “You really think you love me?” Minho softly questions, his voice coming off as soothing, yet anxious.

Changbin takes in a quick breath, shaking his head. “Minho,” his voice cracks as he knits his eyebrows together, “you and me, we…” Perhaps it’s the cold, but Changbin can’t quite get the words in his head to form the sentence he wants to say. That’s when it comes to him: there were some things where actions definitely spoke louder and more effectively than words.

A snowflake fell onto Changbin’s bottom lip right before his lips brushed up against Minho’s with a spark. Everything that felt confusing suddenly became clear. Tonight was the coldest night of winter so far this season, but it was like all of the ice around them had melted. Their kiss was nervous and awkward, but Minho pushed back, grabbing at Changbin’s neck, pulling him in closer and returning his kiss with a sense of urgency.

Changbin suddenly pulled back, taking a step backwards and staring at Minho with wide, terrified eyes. He frantically remembered that if either party developed too deep an emotional connection with the other, that their agreement could be rendered null and void by the other party. An overwhelming panic at the possibility of an upheaval of his life — going back to a life without Minho — overtook him. Not for the loss of financial stability, but the loss of connection, the loss of friendship they had built over the years.

His reaction was irrational, but the potential of heartbreak was so loud. It terrified and overwhelmed him, wrapping him in a bone-chilling embrace.

Minho takes a cautious step forward, staring at Changbin and reaching out to him with a timid hand. “Changbin, love, please…”

“Minho,” Changbin looks up at him, shaking his head and nearly hyperventilating. He takes a few steps backwards, watching a rapidly intensifying flurry of snow start to come between them. “Minho, I’m so sorry. This is all fucked up because of me. I shouldn’t have… Fuck, I’m so sorry.”

His legs move before he can even acknowledge that he’s running. Changbin has no idea where exactly he is, but he’s maneuvering through alleyways and parking lots, backstreets and dead areas of town. He doesn’t consciously know where he is, but he somehow knows where he’s going. He gets far enough away, all the way out to Harbour Green Park. The sight of the ocean calms him down as he finally stops running.

Changbin slides on the slick grass, and he collides into the ground. He starts hyperventilating, then just gives up and lets the inevitable tears fall from his face, down to the chilled ground beneath him. Time passes as he cries, upset with the situation, but mostly angry at himself.

The potential of heartbreak caused him to panic, and he responded by giving into that fear, literally running away from the man he claimed to love. It was stupid, really, throwing everything away just because of the possibility of discomfort, of facing reality. Before, there was a chance that Minho felt the same way. Now? Now Changbin had practically guaranteed that there was no possibility for that anymore. Perhaps knowing that he was the cause of the complete unravelling of two years of emotional connection hurt the most.

No. What hurt the most was that he desperately wanted Minho to catch him as he fell.

[archaestudykat]

I don't know if anyone has had a more idiotic, convoluted thesis project than me. So I have postponed my graduation for over a year now, each semester. I'm just an idiot or something, because every semester I legitimately felt I would pull my shit together and graduate within 3 months. When April rolled around, I still had 5 chapters to write and expected I would be done in May. Each of my thesis chapters are roughly 40 pages, and I even had to basically fully rewrite some of my early chapters which set me back months.

My original thesis topic would have had me travelling to Peru and working on a Nat Geo funded project, but then covid hit. I had to find another topic and chose to apply a new method to a data set that I'm analyzing post hoc.

My advisor had been struggling for awhile with some **really bad** stuff going on in his personal life. I won't share because its his business, but I legitimately wonder if he is cursed or something. He had a absolutely shit year. Understandably, he wasn't available for me for much of it. Like we have talked probably less than 15x since covid began. I'm basically on my own. Switching advisors wasn't really an option because I'm using his data set for my research and I'm in too deep.

Since January I've had this back injury and now I'm doing 2 hours of physical therapy 3x a week. I just pulled myself out of a BAD depressive slump. Writing has NOT been going well... but I'm actually back to making progress and trying to be disciplined in writing daily.

After discussing it with my boyfriend, I've decided to extend graduation again, but this time until December. I'm honestly not sure I even need all that time, realistically, but it'll be the same price as just going over the summer, and give me 2x the time to work. It just seems smart. Especially with half of my committee travelling abroad the next few months for field work.

My mother did not take it well (as usual) and said a lot of shitty things about me taking to long to finish my masters when it should have taken 2 years, how I'm stressing *her* out, my loans (which are 100% under my name btw). I'm mostly frustrated with her because she said I can't listen to my boyfriend's advice because he dropped out of our undergrad archaeology program. My boyfriend is amazingly supportive and genuinely just a wonderful person, so.... it pissed me off. I'm avoiding speaking to her for awhile.

I just wanted to rant but I guess if anyone reads this, I'd like them to take away from it that it doesn't matter how long school takes. It doesn't matter if you drop out. Doing something you are happy with is important. I might not be graduating when I thought I would, nothing may have gone as planned, but when I turn this thesis in its going to be the best one I can write. I'm going to be proud of it and have worked really hard to accomplish something, and thats all that matters.

[zhoyoyo]

My year in 2020

Inspired by Alix’s beautiful farewell to 2020, I decided to write mine. 

2020 has been a year of introspective thinking, a year of returning to myself.

For the first half of 2020, the lockdown took away the pressure—which for most of the time I had been unconscious of—of socializing. Absent of the external pressure, I lived on my own terms, only reaching out to people when I felt like to and hearing from people who likewise took the effort to check in on me. I used to socialize a lot more and thought I wanted to. Needs and obligations were not always distinguishable. I felt happier, calmer, more grounded when the external force went away. I identified the relationships that meant more to me and set aside time for them. I also came to realize that the work I'm doing and will continue to do requires less chatter and more time to myself.

My self-contained lockdown experience was disrupted by the layoff in late May. The convoluted event couldn't be traced back to a single day. My priorities in every sense shifted as it unfolded. What it did most to me, looking back, is that it freed up my mind for more wandering thoughts and provided the conditions for experiments. I had worked a full-time job since graduating college eight years ago. The longest break away from work was no more than two weeks, including job transitions. I have always pursued jobs and positions I liked or I thought I liked—that's probably why I'm still doing journalism. But even a dream job comes with restraints tied to the institution and industry. My rationing (of what I want to do, what I should do) has always been bound by the existing and potential paths I could see myself take within the institution and the industry. The loss of a full-time job and day-to-day obligations forced me to erase the rough strokes on my preplanned future canvas and think about what I want to paint next without institutional constraints. In the weeks and months since the layoff day I reexamined the questions that had always existed with a different state of mind. Do I want to code more, draw more, or write more? (The answer: do more creative work and get better at articulating myself.) Do I see myself following the subject area I've been reporting on in the past few years (immigration, global migration) or have my interests shifted? (I don't have a definite answer to the question yet, but I would say based on my thinking over the past six months: It didn't shift, but narrowed.) Do I want to spend 14 hours a day binge watching anime and Chinese reality TV show? (Yes, and I've got some time to do that. The magical effect of pure entertainment content on myself always amazes me.)

***

I went with some friend to Acadia NP in mid-December for a short restful weekend. Having never hiked in the snow, it was surreal to see various formations of water molecules along a lake loop hike in below-zero weather, and later on the cliffs. The wind combed through the snow on the rock, brushing these white soft sands into the sea, and left its traces. The snowflakes fell onto the icy rock crystalizing into half ice. I admired the unbelievable oddity and beauty of the nature and took photos. I didn't think much of them until one day when I was lying on my yoga mat and the images came back to me. I started to visualize the formation. What were the weather conditions that turned water molecules into different forms? How did the rain drop, the wind, the uneven temperature, and the water in the lake come together to transform the view? The scene at the moment of the hike totally absorbed me. It took days before it came back and I started to visualize the process. On that yoga mat I realized that’s how my mind works. Many things that happened in 2020 surprised, amazed, or stunned me at the moment. But it would take some time for these moments to come back and sink in. And only then can I truly understand what really happened. Some moments of realization have occurred already; others will come in the future. There’s no way to capture all of them by the artificial year-end mark. All I can do is to document what has happened, hoping that with a gaze from the future a new moment of realization will come.

***

I started the year with the goal of developing a subject area of expertise in data storytelling. Most of my work this year is to fulfill this pursuit. The pandemic provided some great opportunities to examine the community of "global migrants (immigrants, expats, foreigners)" and their relationships with their home countries and host countries.

I analyzed the announcements by US universities on how they treated international students under lockdown (like most public policies rolled out dealing with migrants amid Covid-19, they were mostly an after-thought and all over the place);

I showed with data that US immigrants were disproportionally affected by the pandemic as more worked in high-unemployment industries and had less access to health insurance;

I looked into how the severe outbreaks in high-income countries affected low-income countries due to the plunge in remittances;

... the impact of the global pandemic on the value of passport at the beginning of the pandemic, and later on, why it's not a good year to be an American.

As the data became available, a reverse globalization could be seen around the world. Foreigners have left the US and other western developed countries.

For one more evidence of the global shift toward favoring skilled immigration, I built a calculator for UK's then-proposed now-enacted points-based immigration system to see who's qualified to migrate to UK post Brexit.

In another story, I charted the global inequality of mobility—a theme I could explore and talk about endlessly—by showing that citizens from richer countries had a higher chance of getting their US visas approved.

After the layoff, my work in the area switched from short-burst newsy stories to more creative, in-depth research and analysis. My ex-coworker and friend Dan Kopf allowed me to visualize the history of Chinese immigrants in the Bay Area on his newsletter (which is in itself a data feast of curious unknown facts about the Bay Area. Highly recommend!) I decided to tell the story through the lens of occupations, dug the data, and created something I'm proud of. The abundance of creative freedom made it a liberating experience. Then entering October, I started working on two longer-term projects—in one I was fortunate enough to be selected as a McGraw Business Reporting fellow to report on the story of the effect of immigration policies on US multinational companies, in the other I enrolled myself in the DCrit at SVA to deepen my knowledge and do research on the evolving forms of citizenship (something I had been contemplating of doing for a couple years). Both of them are still ongoing.

Another significant change in my work of 2020 is that I started freelancing. It was such a different (and educating) experience from having a full-time job. Aside from logistics, technicalities, practical dos and don'ts, what I learned the most is care and love. The few months of freelancing after the layoff made me realize how fortunate I am. This community of friends and acquaintances who reached out to me, helped make connections, and provided me with opportunities is something I did not know existed before. I was filled with warmth that I was not left on my own. Their love and action planted something inside me. I wanted to be like them, capable of loving others and taking action—an ability maybe natural to some, but one I cultivated more this year. My dear Quartz family, my friends and acquaintances from The AP and Graphicacy/Timeplots, from the larger JoC family, from the data visualization community (Data Viz Society), from journo-coders (NICAR, IRE, News Nerdery), and my fellow Chinese storytellers... If I need to name names, the list of people I'm grateful for would be long. I owe a great deal to you. ♡ 

Some stories I contributed to and loved from the short period of freelancing:

I worked on a number of data visualization stories explaining Covid-19 for Vox.com 

One examined the effect of mask mandates on containing the spread of the virus (Masking is effective, but mask mandates do not fit into a single narrative.) 

We surveyed the US population on their behaviors of wearing masks in various social settings. The individual decision of wearing a mask is often times a negotiation with the environment. The survey results revealed the danger of small gatherings. 

Another story looked at the rationing of vaccine priorities among the U.S. states when the first Pfizer/Biotech vaccines just became available and there were a number of approaches of distributing the limited doses. While the consensus was health workers should get vaccinated first, the actual distribution did not follow that rationale. 

I charted how Covid-19 became the third leading cause of deaths at the end of September for Scientific American.

Centro de Periodismo Investigativo investigated the excessive deaths in Puerto Rico after the outbreak of the Covid-19 pandemic with expert analysis and local context. I helped analyze the data, build the charts, and put together the package.

CalMatters investigated toxic chemicals in California's water systems and how a regulation change affected communities living on the water supply. I did the data analysis and created visualizations for the investigation.

2020 has indeed been a year of failed expectations. Most of my plans fell short. I did not fulfill my goals for work or my travel promises to my parents and friends. I did not read more books or learn a new language. My races throughout the year were cancelled and my guaranteed entry to the NYC marathon was wasted. But it is also this year that I started doing yoga and grew more plants. I can clearly picture the multiple moments when I was showered in love and felt the urge to become a more loving and caring person. I learned more about myself and my values and embarked new journeys that I had always wanted to give a try. 2020 has also been a year of warmth and courage, and I would like to think it made me a better person. 

[wp-yahoo-style-1042-yahoopa-blog]

Why Adriana Lima and Emily Ratajkowski can both be feminists, no matter how much skin they show

When a model whose career is built on being the face of a lingerie behemoth says she’ll no longer strip down just for the sake of it, it’s worth taking note. This was the case recently when Victoria’s Secret veteran Adriana Lima took to Instagram with her declaration.

“I realized that a majority of women probably wake up every morning trying to fit in a stereotype that society imposed. I thought, that’s not a way of living and beyond that, that’s not physically and mentally healthy. So, I decided to make that change. I will not take of my clothes anymore for an empty cause,” the model wrote on Instagram on Dec. 9. Over the weekend, in an apparent response to the reactions, she posted, “Not everyone deserves to know the real you. Let them criticize you they think you are.”

Adriana Lima, left, and Emily Ratajkowski. (Photo: Getty Images)

(It’s worth noting that another Victoria’s Secret angel of years past, Heidi Klum, made similar comments when she warned young models in 2013 that they shouldn’t get nude during photoshoots simply because photographers ask them to.)

Lima insisted through representatives that the claim was not made in response to the recently aired Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, which was Lima’s 18th appearance on the broadcast, and some, like Fashionista, speculated that Lima might instead have been reacting to the Love magazine Advent digital video calendar, in which models and celebrities are filmed in their lingerie doing everything from ballet exercises to rolling around in a heap of spaghetti. (Cue Emily Ratajkowski, who did just that.)

Model Emily Ratajkowski in the Love Magazine Advent digital video calendar 2017. (Photo: YouTube/Love TV by Love Magazine)

Ratajkowski, whose career was catapulted after her debut in the racy “Blurred Lines” music video, has repeatedly defended what some call hypersexualized posts that detractors say undermine her feminism. In response to Ratajkowski’s appearance in this year’s Love Magazine Advent calendar shoot, for example, Piers Morgan, the British media personality who frequently criticizes Ratajkowski, said, “Do you really think [British suffragette] Emmeline Pankhurst fought for Emily Ratajkowski’s right to writhe semi-naked in spaghetti, post it to millions on social media & then feign indignant outrage at being ‘sexually objectified’?”

Ratajkowski responded that explicit sexuality and feminism are not mutually exclusive ideals, which is not quite the same take as Lima’s. (Research exploring the relationship between sexy images of women and objectification, and separate research exploring how sexy images of women signal to others that women are less competent, complicates Ratajkowski’s take.)

Lol never said my love video was a feminist statement. But now it’s worth saying that telling women what to do with their bodies & sexuality is actually just classic sexism. I️ can have opinions about feminism & also do sexy photo shoots k thanks

— Emily Ratajkowski (@emrata) December 7, 2017

So which is it: Is a woman better off reclaiming her sexuality by covering up? Or by getting naked? Is the secret to being a truly empowered feminist lie in rejecting misogyny and objectification via Instagram “likes”? And what is an “empty cause” for nudity versus a worthy one, anyway? Even the New York Times wondered: Is there room for pinups in a post-Weinstein world?

The politics of female sexuality today are just the latest extension of the feminist sex wars of the 1970s, in which women debated whether or not you could be a true feminist and also support pornography and erotica. One might say the contemporary debate extends to things like the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show and the Love Magazine Advent calendar.

But to bifurcate the debate in that way is unproductive, and doesn’t address the root of the issue. When the Hollywood Reporter asked designer Prabal Gurung whether the red carpet was becoming less sexy in light of the #MeToo movement, he responded, “Women can dress however they want to, show their body or cover it; as a designer, my job is to provide options. Being sexy or not is an individual choice — the problem is the gaze.” 

That’s a wrap Shanghai! What an incredibly beautiful, interesting, and mysterious adventure. @victoriassecret #VSFashionShow

A post shared by Adriana Lima (@adrianalima) on Nov 20, 2017 at 3:39pm PST

Ah, the good ol’ male gaze. Tara Well, who has written about how women can reclaim the male gaze as their own, agrees, but says that your own intentions matter.

For example, are you posting for outside validation? Or because it’s your job, and you’re making money? “For women, they have a certain social capital of being sexy and beautiful and that’s a commodity recognized in our culture. So to blame women for using that as leverage to do what they want in their life and make a good living and develop a following for causes that are important to them, I don’t think you can blame women for that,” Wells adds. 

That would certainly bolster Ratajkowski’s defense; she told the Love Magazine about her shoot, “I’m tired of having to consider how I might be perceived by men if I wear the short skirt or post a sexy Instagram. I want to do what I want to do. Feminism isn’t about adjusting; it’s about freedom and choice.”

But not all researchers agree. “The real crux of the issue” is not any one person’s posts or photos, rather the media system overall which values women primarily as sexual beings, says Elizabeth Daniels, a professor at the University of Colorado who has studied the impact that media representations of women have on girls.

“We are seeing a shift with the body positivity movement where it’s becoming more prevalent for celebrities and individuals to speak out about the oppression of the thin ideal and artificially created bodies we see in our media system, but it’s not going far enough,” Daniels says. “We need to address the underlying gender stereotype that women should be valued for more than their bodies.”

Daniels also says that no matter what one’s intentions may be — in this case, with the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, which producers say is to empower women while critics say it is to push product through sex — the consequences do more harm than good to the broadcast’s youngest viewers.

In her own research, Daniels found that showing school-age girls images of elite female athletes drew from adolescent girls and young adult women more positive feelings about their bodies than sexy pictures of models, which tended to produce negative feelings.

A gray area, then, might be this year’s Love Magazine Advent video calendar, for which Ratajkowski performed. The theme was women’s strength: Ashley Graham pushed a weighted sled down the street, Bella Hadid swung a sledge hammer at a tire, Kendall Jenner shadowboxed, and Winnie Harlow stretched. But they all wore lingerie.

“That issue when we talk about whether something is empowering or not is that we’re talking about it with adults. That’s fine, but it’s a mistake not to mention that girls are affected by what happens in media environment, and since they don’t have the cognitive skills adults have to analyze media and see that advertisements are selling products, they’re left disillusioned,” Daniels says. “And when brands create dissatisfaction [with one’s self], more products get sold.”

Read more from Yahoo Style + Beauty:

Angelina Jolie, One of Hollywood’s Highest Paid Stars, Wore an Affordable Everlane Outfit

Tiffany Trump Quotes Muhammad Ali in Stylish Memorial Day Photo

Teen Faced her ‘Biggest Fear’ and Wore a Swimsuit to the Beach

Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest for nonstop inspiration delivered fresh to your feed, every day. For Twitter updates, follow @YahooStyle and @YahooBeauty.

[swedishroyallove]

Chapter 41

Rio de Janiero, Brazil: August 5, 2016:

Isak and Lucy sat in the Maracanã Stadium alongside Crown Princess Mary and Crown Prince Frederik for the opening ceremony. Lucy had a pin on her jacket that had both the Swedish and American flags intertwined. She clapped and cheered when the Swedish team entered the arena. Her American pride came out when the United State team came out, though, as Mary’s Australian pride came out when the Australian team came into the arena. 

Isak and Lucy stayed for several days to watch the Games alongside the King and Queen. If no one from Sweden was competing in the competition, Lucy was wearing her USA jacket. Likewise, if no Americans were in the competition, she wore her Sweden jacket. If Swedish athletes were competing alongside the Americans, she wore a mixture. 

Lucy made sure to get a seat in the aquatic center to see Michael Phelps swim in person. Even Isak, the King and Queen were cheering for him. The King called him “the best swimmer of our time.” The Queen said she was happy to see history made in person. 

Sweden did not make it to the finals in women’s gymnastics, so Lucy went along to cheer on the US team on August 9. She was extremely proud to see the US Women’s Team win team gold for the second Olympics in a row. She made sure to go down and personally congratulate the ladies after their win. A member of the media joked that Lucy was more excited to meet them, even though all five ladies were excited to meet a princess in person. She happily posed for selfies and even posted one image on her Instagram congratulating the team. 

Royal Mews: November 8, 2016:

Lucy was glued to a live feed on her computer late into the night. The political science nerd in her had to stay up to know who was elected. Isak kept trying to get her to come to bed, telling her she needed to rest. 

“No, I’m staying up. Literally, this is close, and by my calculations, this is going to be an upset. Trump has it,” Lucy says. 

“But not even Wisconsin is in yet, Florida or Pennsylvania,” Isak says.

“I’m watching votes trickle in, in both Wisconsin and Florida. He’s a good amount ahead in both and the big Democrat counties have already been counted. My cousin in Philly texted me and said local news there have already called the state for Trump. It’s the national news who is waiting to be 100%.”

“No way. Hillary has had this in the bag. Chris said that just last week.”

“Isak, I love Chris. He’s my brother-in-law, but he’s wrong. She’s had this lost for the past few weeks. He’s looking at it from the typical view. I’m looking and analyzing this as a political scientist. The signs have been there. I think everyone has just been in denial.”

“Are you ever going to tell me who you voted for?”

“I wrote in Marco Rubio. I wasn’t voting for Hillary, and I wasn’t voting for Trump. I don’t like either. It was so weird though having to mail it in. It took away the whole going to the polls and pushing the button feeling that I love.”

“I love how you get excited for voting,” Isak says as he rolls his eyes. 

“Uh, you knew that when you married me. Elections are like the Super Bowl to me,” Lucy responds. 

Isak shakes his head and gives his wife a kiss before going to bed. He knew she would be up all night, and the world was going to wake up to a terrible shock that only she believed would happen in the entire Swedish Royal Family.

Drottningholm Palace: December 13, 2016:

The photographer says smile as Isak and Lucy pose by a fireplace. They couldn’t wait to share the news the next day. They take another photo with Lucy’s dogs before Estelle (holding Oscar), Leonore, and Nicolas run in; Sofia follows closely behind carrying Alexander. Each wore matching shirts for a photo that Lucy and Isak wanted privately to hang in their home at the Royal Mews. 

The five cousins sit on the couch to where their shirts can be seen. They each wear pink shirts that say, “I’m going to be a big cousin.” Of course, the family knows that Lucy is carrying a girl, and they have been privately planning the nursery ever since they found out she was pregnant. 

Madeleine and Victoria were the most excited with Sofia not far behind. They all three started helping Lucy plan the nursery. When Isak tried to intervene, Carl Philip pulled him away, “Don’t.”

“What? Why? I want to help with my daughter’s nursery,” Isak replies. 

“Isak, for your own safety...stay out. Lucy has pregnancy hormones, Madeleine and Victoria already are experts with two children and Sofia literally just went through this earlier this year, as did Victoria. Let them be if you want to live,” Daniel says. 

“But!”

Carl Philip glares at his brother, “Go ahead and try it. You’ll regret it. Only help if asked.”

Isak rolls his eyes, “Fine. So what do we do while they plan?”

Chris answers, “Drink,” as he puts his arm around Isak’s shoulder. 

The next morning at 8am, the Royal Court sends out a press release with the photo of Prince Isak and Princess Lucy with their dogs that says:

Prince Isak and Princess Lucy have the great pleasure to announce that they are expecting their first child.

Princess Lucy is doing well and his birth is expected in May 2017.

During the winter and spring of 2017, no major changes are expected in the Princess's program.

Lucy had taken Madeleine’s advice and created an official Facebook. She went one step further to have an official Twitter and Instagram to keep the public updated on the Royal Family and her activities, as well as insights into their life.

She had an engagement that day to visit the ALS Clinic at Umeå University; the ALS Association had been the first patronage she took up. She had hidden her pregnancy well for the first four months, but now she was happy to be able to show off her small bump. She wore black pants, black Jimmy Choo heels and a red sweater under her Burberry coat. She was visiting the clinic to attend a Christmas party for the patients with ALS. She was also wearing her mother’s small Christmas wreath brooch in her memory. 

She posted about the Christmas event on her social media saying, “I had a wonderful day spending time and celebrating Christmas with the patients here at the ALS Clinic at Umeå University. They are such inspirations and great work is being done with research. One day, we will find a cure! Thank you to everyone for a wonderful day.”

She was overwhelmed with messages of congratulations from people from all over the world about her pregnancy. She was just so happy to finally share the news. She had suffered some bad morning sickness for the first three months, but she was thankful it was nothing like what the Duchess of Cambridge had suffered. Luckily, she was able to keep it hidden and continue her engagements. 

This engagement was the last official one until after the Christmas and New Year holiday which they would be spending in Tennessee with her family to be close to her father and brother on the first Christmas without Ann. Isak and Lucy flew out just four days later after the Palace Christmas lunch for the staff and family at Stockholm Palace. 

They arrived early in the morning in Knoxville on December 19. Will suffered a season ending injury to his shoulder in October so he was home to pick them up. 

They spent the next few days celebrating Ann’s memory. Thomas remarked that the birth of their first grandchild would be an even more welcomed edition as it would be another piece of Ann, “Mimi”, the name Ann always said she wanted to be called when she became a grandmother. 

Late on December 23, Silvia’s birthday, Carl Gustaf called Isak to tell him that his mother had been taken to the hospital after collapsing at the Christmas concert. She was going to be kept overnight, and Madeleine was with her. When Isak told Lucy, Lucy almost collapsed herself hearing it, “No, no, no. She has to be ok. This has to be just exhaustion right? Right?”

Isak, obviously extremely worried but recognizing the fear Lucy had for him after losing her mother, told her he was sure it would all be fine. Madeleine was due to call the next day - Christmas Eve with an update. Hopefully, Silvia would be going home to Drottningholm Palace by Christmas Day.

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Leaked emails show how Stephen Miller used Breitbart as his personal PR firm

Stephen Miller arrives at the Capitol on May 14, 2019. | Tom Williams/CQ Roll Call

Miller used Breitbart in a campaign to discredit Sen. Marco Rubio, and to advance hardline views on immigration.

White House adviser Stephen Miller has already faced calls to resign following the release of a tranche of emails he sent to a former writer at Breitbart promoting white nationalist content and extremely restrictive immigration policies. Turns out, his relationship with the right-wing site runs even deeper.

According to a new batch of those emails, shared first with the Southern Poverty Law Center and then reported by NBC News, Miller used his relationship with Breitbart staff to also direct coverage to advance his ideological and political stances. He commissioned articles damaging to Republican Sen. Marco Rubio, helped dictate editorial standards about how to describe immigration policies, and published unattributed content under Breitbart’s general staff byline. Part of the time, he did so while working on Donald Trump’s campaign and while Rubio was still in the presidential race.

Miller often referred to Rubio as “pathological” in his correspondence with Katie McHugh, the former Breitbart writer who shared the emails with the SPLC, and asked her to discredit the Florida senator and any immigration policy more moderate than Miller’s hardline stance.

In December 2015, while working for Sen. Jeff Sessions and shortly before he accepted a role in the Trump campaign, Miller asked McHugh to link a report of an undocumented immigrant accused of raping a child to Rubio, writing, “Can you work in a reminder that Rubio’s bill — which he was pushing for Obama — legalized alien sex offenders, ensuring more such rapes would occur? ... [Rubio] invents facts to hurt Americans, seems to be the trend.”

Part of Miller’s disdain for Rubio seems to be tied to the senator’s support for immigration reform. Rubio co-sponsored a bipartisan bill in 2013 that would have provided a path to citizenship to some undocumented immigrants. The bill — which ultimately failed in the then-Republican controlled House of Representatives — runs counter to Miller’s hardline views on immigration.

As a White House adviser, Miller has promoted policies — from the Trump administration’s Muslim ban to its more recent attempts to force asylum seekers to pay application fees — that aim to make immigrating, let alone becoming a citizen, more difficult.

Miller has told US Customs and Border Protection officials, “My mantra has persistently been presenting aliens with multiple unsolvable dilemmas to impact their calculus for choosing to make the arduous journey to begin with.”

When Rubio ultimately left the race in March 2016, McHugh sent Miller an email thanking him for his help, writing, “Thank God and thank God for Sen. Sessions, you, [Sessions aide] Garrett [Murch], [Breitbart editor] Julia [Hahn], Matt [Boyle] and the whole team. MAGA!”

McHugh, who has renounced the alt-right movement and no longer works for Breitbart, told the SPLC that Breitbart did all it could to promote negative coverage of Rubio: “Rubio was reviled, and reporters and editors brainstormed ways to craft a narrative that would harm his candidacy.”

In a normal news operation, that sort of bias is not smiled upon. But perhaps more distressing is how much Miller worked to guide that negative coverage.

We’ve learned more about Miller’s relationship with Breitbart

It is not uncommon for lawmakers to write op-eds or to send writers press releases they hope will be turned into articles, but it is uncommon for a congressional aide and campaign adviser to direct the editorial process in a manner damaging to a presidential candidate they do not favor.

This is precisely what Miller did, sending in story ideas, making editorial decisions about story structure, and dictating the organization’s style guide.

At least once, Miller instructed McHugh what to put in her “lede,” or the first sentence of her article, and in an earlier email to McHugh and an actual editor, gave guidance on word choice: “I think the words ‘immigration reform’ should be redefined as meaning ‘immigration control’ and those who oppose ‘immigration control’ as proponents of mass immigration.”

This led to some confusion on the part of Breitbart staff as to how to credit Miller’s contributions. In 2015, when he emailed them a chart about the immigrant population’s rate of increase, an editor responded, “How should we run this? Under Senator Sessions’ byline? Or under ‘Breitbart News’ byline?”

Miller told him to run it under a generic Breitbart byline, and also worked to distance himself from other contributions, like when he sent in a list of immigrants accused of rape: “Articles compiled by our staff,” he wrote. “Didn’t get from me.”

Perhaps most striking is that Miller continued this behavior — particularly his anti-Rubio rhetoric — after joining the Trump campaign. Trump, of course, has a number of media outlets that are notedly friendly towards him, from Fox News to OANN.

But before the Republican media establishment fully coalesced around Trump, Miller seemed to use Breitbart as an unofficial arm of the campaign, for instance, telling McHugh to create content around a post from another outlet critical of Rubio a few weeks after joining the Trump campaign. Hours after he did so, Breitbart ran the piece.

As Vox’s Nicole Narea has explained, the first batch of Miller emails the Southern Poverty Law Center analyzed revealed messages that included links to white nationalist articles; that promoted a white supremacist book that casts immigrants of color as savages who subsist on feces; and that praised President Calvin Coolidge’s nativist, hardline immigration policies in the 1920s. This second tranche of emails suggests Miller used Breitbart not just as a perch for his alt-right ideas, but as a platform to attack enemies.

That revelation is likely to increase growing calls for his resignation. Last week, Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Ilhan Omar began calling for Miller to leave the White House. They’ve since been joined by more than 80 other Democratic lawmakers. Ocasio-Cortez has also created a petition demanding Miller’s resignation that reads in part, “A white nationalist is currently serving as a top advisor to the President of the United States. In 2019. ... This man cannot serve in the White House” — it has more than 50,000 signatures.

The White House has shown no sign of taking these calls seriously. Instead, they have dismissed them as anti-Semitic (Miller is Jewish).

“Mr. Miller condemns racism and bigotry in all forms,” White House spokesperson Hogan Gidley told NBC. “What deeply concerns me is how so many on the left are allowed to spread vile anti-Semitism and consistently attack proud Jewish members of this administration.”

from Vox - All https://ift.tt/334RpAy

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Leaked emails show how Stephen Miller used Breitbart as his personal PR firm

Stephen Miller arrives at the Capitol on May 14, 2019. | Tom Williams/CQ Roll Call

Miller used Breitbart in a campaign to discredit Sen. Marco Rubio, and to advance hardline views on immigration.

White House adviser Stephen Miller has already faced calls to resign following the release of a tranche of emails he sent to a former writer at Breitbart promoting white nationalist content and extremely restrictive immigration policies. Turns out, his relationship with the right-wing site runs even deeper.

According to a new batch of those emails, shared first with the Southern Poverty Law Center and then reported by NBC News, Miller used his relationship with Breitbart staff to also direct coverage to advance his ideological and political stances. He commissioned articles damaging to Republican Sen. Marco Rubio, helped dictate editorial standards about how to describe immigration policies, and published unattributed content under Breitbart’s general staff byline. Part of the time, he did so while working on Donald Trump’s campaign and while Rubio was still in the presidential race.

Miller often referred to Rubio as “pathological” in his correspondence with Katie McHugh, the former Breitbart writer who shared the emails with the SPLC, and asked her to discredit the Florida senator and any immigration policy more moderate than Miller’s hardline stance.

In December 2015, while working for Sen. Jeff Sessions and shortly before he accepted a role in the Trump campaign, Miller asked McHugh to link a report of an undocumented immigrant accused of raping a child to Rubio, writing, “Can you work in a reminder that Rubio’s bill — which he was pushing for Obama — legalized alien sex offenders, ensuring more such rapes would occur? ... [Rubio] invents facts to hurt Americans, seems to be the trend.”

Part of Miller’s disdain for Rubio seems to be tied to the senator’s support for immigration reform. Rubio co-sponsored a bipartisan bill in 2013 that would have provided a path to citizenship to some undocumented immigrants. The bill — which ultimately failed in the then-Republican controlled House of Representatives — runs counter to Miller’s hardline views on immigration.

As a White House adviser, Miller has promoted policies — from the Trump administration’s Muslim ban to its more recent attempts to force asylum seekers to pay application fees — that aim to make immigrating, let alone becoming a citizen, more difficult.

Miller has told US Customs and Border Protection officials, “My mantra has persistently been presenting aliens with multiple unsolvable dilemmas to impact their calculus for choosing to make the arduous journey to begin with.”

When Rubio ultimately left the race in March 2016, McHugh sent Miller an email thanking him for his help, writing, “Thank God and thank God for Sen. Sessions, you, [Sessions aide] Garrett [Murch], [Breitbart editor] Julia [Hahn], Matt [Boyle] and the whole team. MAGA!”

McHugh, who has renounced the alt-right movement and no longer works for Breitbart, told the SPLC that Breitbart did all it could to promote negative coverage of Rubio: “Rubio was reviled, and reporters and editors brainstormed ways to craft a narrative that would harm his candidacy.”

In a normal news operation, that sort of bias is not smiled upon. But perhaps more distressing is how much Miller worked to guide that negative coverage.

We’ve learned more about Miller’s relationship with Breitbart

It is not uncommon for lawmakers to write op-eds or to send writers press releases they hope will be turned into articles, but it is uncommon for a congressional aide and campaign adviser to direct the editorial process in a manner damaging to a presidential candidate they do not favor.

This is precisely what Miller did, sending in story ideas, making editorial decisions about story structure, and dictating the organization’s style guide.

At least once, Miller instructed McHugh what to put in her “lede,” or the first sentence of her article, and in an earlier email to McHugh and an actual editor, gave guidance on word choice: “I think the words ‘immigration reform’ should be redefined as meaning ‘immigration control’ and those who oppose ‘immigration control’ as proponents of mass immigration.”

This led to some confusion on the part of Breitbart staff as to how to credit Miller’s contributions. In 2015, when he emailed them a chart about the immigrant population’s rate of increase, an editor responded, “How should we run this? Under Senator Sessions’ byline? Or under ‘Breitbart News’ byline?”

Miller told him to run it under a generic Breitbart byline, and also worked to distance himself from other contributions, like when he sent in a list of immigrants accused of rape: “Articles compiled by our staff,” he wrote. “Didn’t get from me.”

Perhaps most striking is that Miller continued this behavior — particularly his anti-Rubio rhetoric — after joining the Trump campaign. Trump, of course, has a number of media outlets that are notedly friendly towards him, from Fox News to OANN.

But before the Republican media establishment fully coalesced around Trump, Miller seemed to use Breitbart as an unofficial arm of the campaign, for instance, telling McHugh to create content around a post from another outlet critical of Rubio a few weeks after joining the Trump campaign. Hours after he did so, Breitbart ran the piece.

As Vox’s Nicole Narea has explained, the first batch of Miller emails the Southern Poverty Law Center analyzed revealed messages that included links to white nationalist articles; that promoted a white supremacist book that casts immigrants of color as savages who subsist on feces; and that praised President Calvin Coolidge’s nativist, hardline immigration policies in the 1920s. This second tranche of emails suggests Miller used Breitbart not just as a perch for his alt-right ideas, but as a platform to attack enemies.

That revelation is likely to increase growing calls for his resignation. Last week, Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Ilhan Omar began calling for Miller to leave the White House. They’ve since been joined by more than 80 other Democratic lawmakers. Ocasio-Cortez has also created a petition demanding Miller’s resignation that reads in part, “A white nationalist is currently serving as a top advisor to the President of the United States. In 2019. ... This man cannot serve in the White House” — it has more than 50,000 signatures.

The White House has shown no sign of taking these calls seriously. Instead, they have dismissed them as anti-Semitic (Miller is Jewish).

“Mr. Miller condemns racism and bigotry in all forms,” White House spokesperson Hogan Gidley told NBC. “What deeply concerns me is how so many on the left are allowed to spread vile anti-Semitism and consistently attack proud Jewish members of this administration.”

from Vox - All https://ift.tt/334RpAy

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Leaked emails show how Stephen Miller used Breitbart as his personal PR firm

Stephen Miller arrives at the Capitol on May 14, 2019. | Tom Williams/CQ Roll Call

Miller used Breitbart in a campaign to discredit Sen. Marco Rubio, and to advance hardline views on immigration.

White House adviser Stephen Miller has already faced calls to resign following the release of a tranche of emails he sent to a former writer at Breitbart promoting white nationalist content and extremely restrictive immigration policies. Turns out, his relationship with the right-wing site runs even deeper.

According to a new batch of those emails, shared first with the Southern Poverty Law Center and then reported by NBC News, Miller used his relationship with Breitbart staff to also direct coverage to advance his ideological and political stances. He commissioned articles damaging to Republican Sen. Marco Rubio, helped dictate editorial standards about how to describe immigration policies, and published unattributed content under Breitbart’s general staff byline. Part of the time, he did so while working on Donald Trump’s campaign and while Rubio was still in the presidential race.

Miller often referred to Rubio as “pathological” in his correspondence with Katie McHugh, the former Breitbart writer who shared the emails with the SPLC, and asked her to discredit the Florida senator and any immigration policy more moderate than Miller’s hardline stance.

In December 2015, while working for Sen. Jeff Sessions and shortly before he accepted a role in the Trump campaign, Miller asked McHugh to link a report of an undocumented immigrant accused of raping a child to Rubio, writing, “Can you work in a reminder that Rubio’s bill — which he was pushing for Obama — legalized alien sex offenders, ensuring more such rapes would occur? ... [Rubio] invents facts to hurt Americans, seems to be the trend.”

Part of Miller’s disdain for Rubio seems to be tied to the senator’s support for immigration reform. Rubio co-sponsored a bipartisan bill in 2013 that would have provided a path to citizenship to some undocumented immigrants. The bill — which ultimately failed in the then-Republican controlled House of Representatives — runs counter to Miller’s hardline views on immigration.

As a White House adviser, Miller has promoted policies — from the Trump administration’s Muslim ban to its more recent attempts to force asylum seekers to pay application fees — that aim to make immigrating, let alone becoming a citizen, more difficult.

Miller has told US Customs and Border Protection officials, “My mantra has persistently been presenting aliens with multiple unsolvable dilemmas to impact their calculus for choosing to make the arduous journey to begin with.”

When Rubio ultimately left the race in March 2016, McHugh sent Miller an email thanking him for his help, writing, “Thank God and thank God for Sen. Sessions, you, [Sessions aide] Garrett [Murch], [Breitbart editor] Julia [Hahn], Matt [Boyle] and the whole team. MAGA!”

McHugh, who has renounced the alt-right movement and no longer works for Breitbart, told the SPLC that Breitbart did all it could to promote negative coverage of Rubio: “Rubio was reviled, and reporters and editors brainstormed ways to craft a narrative that would harm his candidacy.”

In a normal news operation, that sort of bias is not smiled upon. But perhaps more distressing is how much Miller worked to guide that negative coverage.

We’ve learned more about Miller’s relationship with Breitbart

It is not uncommon for lawmakers to write op-eds or to send writers press releases they hope will be turned into articles, but it is uncommon for a congressional aide and campaign adviser to direct the editorial process in a manner damaging to a presidential candidate they do not favor.

This is precisely what Miller did, sending in story ideas, making editorial decisions about story structure, and dictating the organization’s style guide.

At least once, Miller instructed McHugh what to put in her “lede,” or the first sentence of her article, and in an earlier email to McHugh and an actual editor, gave guidance on word choice: “I think the words ‘immigration reform’ should be redefined as meaning ‘immigration control’ and those who oppose ‘immigration control’ as proponents of mass immigration.”

This led to some confusion on the part of Breitbart staff as to how to credit Miller’s contributions. In 2015, when he emailed them a chart about the immigrant population’s rate of increase, an editor responded, “How should we run this? Under Senator Sessions’ byline? Or under ‘Breitbart News’ byline?”

Miller told him to run it under a generic Breitbart byline, and also worked to distance himself from other contributions, like when he sent in a list of immigrants accused of rape: “Articles compiled by our staff,” he wrote. “Didn’t get from me.”

Perhaps most striking is that Miller continued this behavior — particularly his anti-Rubio rhetoric — after joining the Trump campaign. Trump, of course, has a number of media outlets that are notedly friendly towards him, from Fox News to OANN.

But before the Republican media establishment fully coalesced around Trump, Miller seemed to use Breitbart as an unofficial arm of the campaign, for instance, telling McHugh to create content around a post from another outlet critical of Rubio a few weeks after joining the Trump campaign. Hours after he did so, Breitbart ran the piece.

As Vox’s Nicole Narea has explained, the first batch of Miller emails the Southern Poverty Law Center analyzed revealed messages that included links to white nationalist articles; that promoted a white supremacist book that casts immigrants of color as savages who subsist on feces; and that praised President Calvin Coolidge’s nativist, hardline immigration policies in the 1920s. This second tranche of emails suggests Miller used Breitbart not just as a perch for his alt-right ideas, but as a platform to attack enemies.

That revelation is likely to increase growing calls for his resignation. Last week, Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Ilhan Omar began calling for Miller to leave the White House. They’ve since been joined by more than 80 other Democratic lawmakers. Ocasio-Cortez has also created a petition demanding Miller’s resignation that reads in part, “A white nationalist is currently serving as a top advisor to the President of the United States. In 2019. ... This man cannot serve in the White House” — it has more than 50,000 signatures.

The White House has shown no sign of taking these calls seriously. Instead, they have dismissed them as anti-Semitic (Miller is Jewish).

“Mr. Miller condemns racism and bigotry in all forms,” White House spokesperson Hogan Gidley told NBC. “What deeply concerns me is how so many on the left are allowed to spread vile anti-Semitism and consistently attack proud Jewish members of this administration.”

from Vox - All https://ift.tt/334RpAy

[timalexanderdollery]

Leaked emails show how Stephen Miller used Breitbart as his personal PR firm

Stephen Miller arrives at the Capitol on May 14, 2019. | Tom Williams/CQ Roll Call

Miller used Breitbart in a campaign to discredit Sen. Marco Rubio, and to advance hardline views on immigration.

White House adviser Stephen Miller has already faced calls to resign following the release of a tranche of emails he sent to a former writer at Breitbart promoting white nationalist content and extremely restrictive immigration policies. Turns out, his relationship with the right-wing site runs even deeper.

According to a new batch of those emails, shared first with the Southern Poverty Law Center and then reported by NBC News, Miller used his relationship with Breitbart staff to also direct coverage to advance his ideological and political stances. He commissioned articles damaging to Republican Sen. Marco Rubio, helped dictate editorial standards about how to describe immigration policies, and published unattributed content under Breitbart’s general staff byline. Part of the time, he did so while working on Donald Trump’s campaign and while Rubio was still in the presidential race.

Miller often referred to Rubio as “pathological” in his correspondence with Katie McHugh, the former Breitbart writer who shared the emails with the SPLC, and asked her to discredit the Florida senator and any immigration policy more moderate than Miller’s hardline stance.

In December 2015, while working for Sen. Jeff Sessions and shortly before he accepted a role in the Trump campaign, Miller asked McHugh to link a report of an undocumented immigrant accused of raping a child to Rubio, writing, “Can you work in a reminder that Rubio’s bill — which he was pushing for Obama — legalized alien sex offenders, ensuring more such rapes would occur? ... [Rubio] invents facts to hurt Americans, seems to be the trend.”

Part of Miller’s disdain for Rubio seems to be tied to the senator’s support for immigration reform. Rubio co-sponsored a bipartisan bill in 2013 that would have provided a path to citizenship to some undocumented immigrants. The bill — which ultimately failed in the then-Republican controlled House of Representatives — runs counter to Miller’s hardline views on immigration.

As a White House adviser, Miller has promoted policies — from the Trump administration’s Muslim ban to its more recent attempts to force asylum seekers to pay application fees — that aim to make immigrating, let alone becoming a citizen, more difficult.

Miller has told US Customs and Border Protection officials, “My mantra has persistently been presenting aliens with multiple unsolvable dilemmas to impact their calculus for choosing to make the arduous journey to begin with.”

When Rubio ultimately left the race in March 2016, McHugh sent Miller an email thanking him for his help, writing, “Thank God and thank God for Sen. Sessions, you, [Sessions aide] Garrett [Murch], [Breitbart editor] Julia [Hahn], Matt [Boyle] and the whole team. MAGA!”

McHugh, who has renounced the alt-right movement and no longer works for Breitbart, told the SPLC that Breitbart did all it could to promote negative coverage of Rubio: “Rubio was reviled, and reporters and editors brainstormed ways to craft a narrative that would harm his candidacy.”

In a normal news operation, that sort of bias is not smiled upon. But perhaps more distressing is how much Miller worked to guide that negative coverage.

We’ve learned more about Miller’s relationship with Breitbart

It is not uncommon for lawmakers to write op-eds or to send writers press releases they hope will be turned into articles, but it is uncommon for a congressional aide and campaign adviser to direct the editorial process in a manner damaging to a presidential candidate they do not favor.

This is precisely what Miller did, sending in story ideas, making editorial decisions about story structure, and dictating the organization’s style guide.

At least once, Miller instructed McHugh what to put in her “lede,” or the first sentence of her article, and in an earlier email to McHugh and an actual editor, gave guidance on word choice: “I think the words ‘immigration reform’ should be redefined as meaning ‘immigration control’ and those who oppose ‘immigration control’ as proponents of mass immigration.”

This led to some confusion on the part of Breitbart staff as to how to credit Miller’s contributions. In 2015, when he emailed them a chart about the immigrant population’s rate of increase, an editor responded, “How should we run this? Under Senator Sessions’ byline? Or under ‘Breitbart News’ byline?”

Miller told him to run it under a generic Breitbart byline, and also worked to distance himself from other contributions, like when he sent in a list of immigrants accused of rape: “Articles compiled by our staff,” he wrote. “Didn’t get from me.”

Perhaps most striking is that Miller continued this behavior — particularly his anti-Rubio rhetoric — after joining the Trump campaign. Trump, of course, has a number of media outlets that are notedly friendly towards him, from Fox News to OANN.

But before the Republican media establishment fully coalesced around Trump, Miller seemed to use Breitbart as an unofficial arm of the campaign, for instance, telling McHugh to create content around a post from another outlet critical of Rubio a few weeks after joining the Trump campaign. Hours after he did so, Breitbart ran the piece.

As Vox’s Nicole Narea has explained, the first batch of Miller emails the Southern Poverty Law Center analyzed revealed messages that included links to white nationalist articles; that promoted a white supremacist book that casts immigrants of color as savages who subsist on feces; and that praised President Calvin Coolidge’s nativist, hardline immigration policies in the 1920s. This second tranche of emails suggests Miller used Breitbart not just as a perch for his alt-right ideas, but as a platform to attack enemies.

That revelation is likely to increase growing calls for his resignation. Last week, Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Ilhan Omar began calling for Miller to leave the White House. They’ve since been joined by more than 80 other Democratic lawmakers. Ocasio-Cortez has also created a petition demanding Miller’s resignation that reads in part, “A white nationalist is currently serving as a top advisor to the President of the United States. In 2019. ... This man cannot serve in the White House” — it has more than 50,000 signatures.

The White House has shown no sign of taking these calls seriously. Instead, they have dismissed them as anti-Semitic (Miller is Jewish).

“Mr. Miller condemns racism and bigotry in all forms,” White House spokesperson Hogan Gidley told NBC. “What deeply concerns me is how so many on the left are allowed to spread vile anti-Semitism and consistently attack proud Jewish members of this administration.”

from Vox - All https://ift.tt/334RpAy

[badgerkick0-blog]

The Best Cinnamon Rolls Cheryl’s Famous Recipe – with step-by-step tutorial and tons of tips

This recipe for the best cinnamon rolls EVER will make you rethink who you are and every cinnamon roll recipe you’ve ever made! They are so light, so fluffy, and so amazing!

Well, today is a big, BIG day. 

Several weeks ago, I quickly mentioned (in this Friday Thoughts post) that I had found “the cinnamon roll recipe to end all cinnamon roll recipes” and I asked if you had room in your heart for one more cinnamon roll recipe? Haha. Hundreds of you responded saying: uh, hello, are you crazy, BRING IT ON! While the other two of you said: don’t need another cinnamon roll recipe, thankyouverymuch. 

I’ve been buried under requests for this recipe ever since. You’ve emailed. You’ve commented. You’ve found my personal Instagram account and stalked me there to ask for it. You’ve begged. You’ve pleaded. You’ve called. You’ve emailed and commented and asked again. 🙂

Although I had already made the recipe several times when I mentioned it that Friday, I wanted to make it several more times and take lots and lots of pictures in order to make sure I could provide the most foolproof recipe and preempt any troubleshooting. In total, I’ve made this best-ever cinnamon roll recipe at least nine times since my friend, Cheryl, gave it to me mid-December. 

Speaking of Cheryl, I gotta give this lady all the credit. She’s the source of the greatest cinnamon roll recipe of all time! And she’s adorable (and so nice). 

So is her husband. That’s him, Jean (pronounced John), making his other-worldly artisan bread. He’s a master bread baker. And Cheryl is one of the most accomplished, gourmet cooks and home bakers I’ve ever met. Like, she takes everything totally next level (they had us over for a Mediterranean-inspired dinner and I could barely eat, I was so in awe at the amazing spread). And these cinnamon rolls are no exception. Thank you, Cheryl! And thanks for letting me share the love with everybody about this recipe!

One of the most common phrases I’ve heard over the last couple weeks as you’ve requested this recipe is: I don’t know how they can be better than Gloria’s cinnamon rolls*, but I’m willing to try! (*Or these vanilla pudding cinnamon rolls or these Yukon gold cinnamon rolls.)

And trust me, I thought the same thing! The backstory is important here. So let me explain really quickly. At a church activity mid-December, I won an innocent-looking disposable square pan of cinnamon rolls as a Bunco prize. I’m wired to never turn down a pan of cinnamon rolls. When I found out Cheryl had made them, I was even more excited. I had no choice but to dig in right then and there even though the dice were still rolling.  I was stunned. How could a cinnamon roll be this light and fluffy? This amazing? I mean, I don’t want to brag, but I already make a ridiculously great cinnamon roll, but these were totally beyond deliciousness, and I began to doubt everything I thought I knew about cinnamon rolls.

I cornered Cheryl in the hallway to ask if she’d be willing to share the recipe after several of us women basically ate the whole pan and unanimously agreed: these cinnamon rolls = lifechanging. I had to whip my phone out faster than an old western gunslinger because Cheryl started rattling off the recipe by memory and I wanted to type in every detail. In my mind, I had already decided that if the ingredient lineup and method was basically the same as the other beloved cinnamon roll recipes on my site, I’d just chalk it up to the fact that Cheryl had a magic cinnamon roll touch. I’d be sad for a minute that I was missing this magical cinnamon roll making gene, but I probably wouldn’t need or use a recipe that was a similar variation to others I make all the time. 

But. That wasn’t the case at all. As she gave me the recipe, I realized this was a cinnamon roll game changer and unlike any cinnamon roll recipe I’d made before. Because the amount of variation was so great, I knew I could (and needed to) post it to stand alongside the other great cinnamon roll recipes in my archives. 

And because the ingredients and mixing method and dough texture are unlike other cinnamon roll doughs I’ve made, the resulting cinnamon rolls are lighter in texture and much fluffier. You don’t have to take just my word for it either. I’ve already said before that Brian is the resident cinnamon roll snob. He doesn’t like it when I mess with a good thing, and he already loved the cinnamon roll recipes I’ve posted before. But even he agrees 100% that these are the best cinnamon rolls I’ve ever made.

I even dared make them for my Aunt Marilyn (who introduced me to Gloria’s recipe years ago!), Uncle Dan and cousin Lydia, who take “cinnamon roll snob” to a whole new level. Dan almost didn’t try them because he’s so loyal to Gloria’s recipe. After eating, analyzing, eating, and analyzing (that’s what I make you do if you come to my house), Lydia said they were “way better than any other recipe,” Marilyn admitted they were “absolutely incredible,” and Dan conceded that although he’d never say they were better than Gloria’s recipe, they were “definitely on the same level.” I’ve given so many of these cinnamon rolls away as I’ve tested the recipe; every single person has honestly raved over them (and I don’t think they are just saying that, because I’ve instructed all my friends that we can’t be friends unless they give me honest feedback on food I shove in their face.)

Phew! So there’s the background. I know some of you may not care about all that. But for those of you that have been loyal MKC readers and have fallen in love with any other cinnamon roll recipe on my site, you know that it is important to me to give you an explanation for why I’m posting yet another recipe for something I’ve already declared the best! 

Here’s my ultimate disclaimer though:

If you have a cinnamon roll recipe that you love and have already deemed BEST EVER, stick with it! No need to change things now! I already know that this recipe may not be for everyone; the world was meant to be a cinnamon roll diverse place. However, if you love to try new recipes, have been looking for the cinnamon roll to end all cinnamon rolls, or you just want to expand your baking horizons, I think you are going to love this one. 

Let’s get into the nitty gritty! 

For this recipe, you can use a stand mixer or mix it by hand because it doesn’t require much kneading and the dough is not super stiff and hard to work with. I have recently been using this Danish dough hook aff. link (that one of you recommended!) for hand-mixed yeast doughs and it is a game changer.

I’ve made this cinnamon roll recipe in my Bosch Universal mixer aff. link and my KitchenAid stand mixer aff. link for testing purposes; I’ll always choose my Bosch for bread making because it’s superior at that kind of task, but a Kitchen Aid will do the job, too. Here’s a quick look at the comparison between these two stand mixers, if you are interested. This recipe doubles GREAT in the Bosch (haven’t tried a double batch in the KitchenAid).

Add 1/2 cup granulated sugar and 1/2 cup neutral-flavored oil to the mixer and pour in the 2 cups scalded milk. 

What is scalded milk? It’s basically milk that’s been heated to just below a boil – doing so changes the protein structure in the milk (none of which I really understand). But what I do know is that the reason many yeast dough recipes calls for scalded milk is because it makes the bread/rolls lighter and fluffier! So do it!

I take the easy way out and microwave the milk for this recipe in a microwave-safe liquid measuring cup. Every microwave will vary, but I heat it for 2-minute increments until little bubbles start to form around the edges and it is steaming. You can do this on the stovetop, too. And yes, I’ve let it go too long and it actually boils, and no, I don’t start over, and yes, the rolls still turn out great (just be aware that boiling milk will foam and rise and most likely spill over so if it does, you’ll want to make sure you have a full 2 cups of hot milk to work with). 

Let the milk/oil/sugar mixture rest for 15 minutes or so until the mixture is warm and not blistery hot. Add in the 4 cups all-purpose flour (I always use unbleached all-purpose) and then sprinkle the 1 tablespoon instant yeast on top of the flour. See the recipe below for how to substitute active dry yeast for the instant yeast. 

If you’ve been a tad bit impatient like me and maybe, possibly, perhaps didn’t let the milk mixture cool off for the full 15 minutes, make sure the yeast is added on top of the flour so it isn’t incorporated straight into the hot milk. 

Start mixing! The dough will be much wetter than a normal cinnamon roll dough. Don’t panic. Things will come together, I promise. 

Mix until no dry streaks remain, scraping down the sides of the bowl if needed. 

Now cover the bowl and let the wet dough (we’ll call it a sponge) rise until puffy and a little bubbly. This takes about 45 minutes to an hour in my kitchen. You can see a noticeable difference as the sponge has had time to rest and rise. 

To the sponge, add 3/4 cup flour, 1/2 teaspoon baking powder, 1/2 teaspoon baking soda, and 1 1/2 teaspoons salt.

Start mixing again. The dough doesn’t need to be kneaded, necessarily, but you definitely want to let it mix to fully incorporate all the dry ingredients. It will start out rough and shaggy looking but it will come together. 

After about a minute of mixing, it should form a mass of dough that has smoothed out a bit (doesn’t look as rough and spiky). This dough is very soft! Resist the urge to add more flour. As long as it isn’t leaving lots of wet dough residue on the sides of the bowl, it should be ok. 

If you are making the dough in a KitchenAid mixer, I suggest starting with the paddle attachment and moving to the dough hook after adding the last addition of flour, baking powder and baking soda. I find it’s harder to get clean sides of the bowl with this recipe when using the KitchenAid based on the shape of the dough hook and bowl, just try to avoid adding more flour unless it is just so sticky it is impossible to work with. Grease your hands with cooking spray and gather it into a smooth ball before deciding whether to add more flour.

The dough may leave some doughy bits of residue on your fingers or hands, but if you grab a small piece, you should be able to roll it into a somewhat sticky ball. Over flouring this dough will be the death of a great cinnamon roll, so persevere through a bit of stickiness if you can! 

Pile the dough into a lightly greased bowl or container. You can see how soft and stretchy the dough is below. 

Let the dough rise until doubled. The exact time will depend on the warmth of your kitchen, but it takes right about an hour to an hour and a half in my kitchen. I use these handy measured food storage containers for dough rising and about a million other things aff. link. If you live near a Standard Restaurant Supply store (or other restaurant supply store), you can pick them up in various sizes for less than the price on Amazon, FYI. 

Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured counter (I use about 2-3 tablespoons flour) and roll out to about 12X18-inches. Pictured below is my favorite inexpensive and super awesome rolling pin – I have the 13 2/5-inch one aff. link. The size of the rectangle doesn’t have to be exact. I go for this size because it gives several spirals in the cinnamon roll, but if you like your cinnamon rolls puffier, roll the dough into a smaller rectangle so it is thicker. Spread the dough evenly with 8-12 tablespoons butter and sprinkle with cinnamon and brown sugar (I use about 3/4 cup brown sugar + 1 tablespoon cinnamon – Cheryl recommends adding cardamom to the sugar, too, which is delicious). 

Favorite cinnamon = Penzey’s signature cinnamon blend (totally unsponsored but the only cinnamon I use)

Start rolling these bad boys up! Roll tightly without lifting and stretching the dough up and over. If the dough is stretched while rolling, the rolls may have a tendency to shrink while baking. Once rolled, pinch the edge lightly to seal and pat the roll into an even thickness. My rolled up cinnamon roll log usually ends up being about 20 inches long. 

As a quick sidenote, I get this question a lot:

Why do cinnamon rolls shrink and gap while baking? 

That is a great question. And one that has kept me up many a night. In my intense cinnamon roll research, I’ve found it can be due to a variety of things. 1) Stretching and pulling on the dough while rolling into a log (like I mentioned above). When I’ve stretched too much during this part of the process, I’ve noticed that the cinnamon rolls can shrink and gap while baking. 2) Too much butter and/or cinnamon and sugar filling. While baking, the sugar and butter melt (into that glorious buttery/sugary gooeyness), and if the sugar filling is really thick, that leaves a lot more opportunity for gapping after the rolls bake and cool. 3) Rolling the dough too thin. While this may mean less cinnamony spirals, a thicker cinnamon roll rectangle is going to gap less while baking. 4) Letting the cinnamon rolls rise too long before baking. Doing this can cause the cinnamon rolls to deflate slightly in the oven and shrink as they cool. 5) Cramming too many cinnamon rolls into a pan that is too small. When I’ve done this, the rolls press together too much while rising and then fall back and shrink while baking/cooling.

Ok, moving on. Now it’s time to cut the log into rolls! I cut the log in half first. And then I cut each half in half again. And lastly, I cut each of those fourths into thirds. Confused? Haha. It’s easier than it sounds. This inexpensive serrated knife aff. link is my go-to for cutting cinnamon rolls because it doesn’t crush the dough while cutting, but you can use unflavored dental floss or thread. 

My preference is to use a half sheet pan for these rolls (the recipe makes 12 large cinnamon rolls). 

These rolls need room to rise and I’ve learned the hard way that putting them in too small of a pan means they won’t be nearly as fluffy and delicious. Below is a picture of this same recipe (all 12 rolls) baking in a 9X13-inch pan. You can see how close they are together before they’ve even risen. And on the right, after baking, they’ve gapped a lot in the middle and the sides are burned/middles are doughy.

So make sure you give the rolls at least an inch in between so they can breathe and have room to live. You can certainly roll the dough into a large rectangle and make 15-16 rolls out of the batch, instead of 12. If they are smaller, they’ll probably fit in a 9X13-inch pan + an 8X8-inch pan just fine. 

If you are making these to give away, I’ve found rolling them per the recipe (and getting 12 rolls out of the batch) and putting four rolls into an 8X8-inch pan is about perfect for baking smaller batches. Just the right amount of space to bake up fluffy and perfect. Here’s an example of a cinnamon roll baked in a square pan with three other rolls. Get a load of that fluffiness! It’s the perfect size of cinnamon roll if you ask me.

Once the rolls are placed on the baking pan, let them rise until very puffy and touching lightly on most sides (they may not be double in size, but close). 

Bake the rolls at 350 degrees for 18-22 minutes (add time if needed). If you have convection bake, using that setting will help the rolls bake through to the center more quickly, but standard bake is fine, too.

While the rolls bake, make the frosting. You can frost them warm, or let the rolls cool a bit. I like to hit middle ground and frost while they are still just slightly warm so some of the frosting melts down into all the nooks and crannies but still stays a bit solidly soft on top.

Speaking of frosting, I’ve made a lot of cinnamon roll frostings over the years, and the icing I posted with these Yukon gold cinnamon rolls is hands down my favorite. It is the cinnamon roll icing I’ve been searching for my whole life. The delicate, creamy flavor (without an overpowering cream cheese presence) is the best, best, best. You can use various extracts to flavor it – maple, if that’s your thing (yum) or vanilla. 

Lately, with the price of pure vanilla sky high, I’ve been experimenting more with emulsions (scary word that in this case just means flavoring). And wow, this butter vanilla emulsion aff. link adds the most insane yumminess to the cinnamon roll frosting. Kind of gives it a buttery sugar cookie vibe. In.the.frosting. It’s crazy good. And it’s only six bucks a bottle.

Incidentally as a sidenote, my 14-year old made these super soft chocolate chip cookies for a youth activity last week and used that butter vanilla emulsion in place of the vanilla extract and people were apparently saying they’d never had a cookie that tasted so amazing and wanted to know the secret. Emulsions! Haha. 

And since we’re talking random bits of knowledge here, rolling things out on a lightly floured counter is one of my least favorite things to do in the history of ever because of the gummy mess it can leave while wiping up. That is, until I figured out my handy dandy bench knife/scraper aff. link could eliminate the hassle. I use this scraper for so many things, but scraping up floury, cinnamon roll gunk off my counter is one of the reasons it has earned its way into favorite tool status. 

So there you have it! Have we covered everything? I think so! If you’ve made it this far (without skimming), you deserve a major award. 

If you have any additional questions, ask away in the comments and I’ll respond as quickly as I can. I am SO excited for you to get your hands on this recipe and let me know what you think! Enough talking, go make some cinnamon rolls!

One Year Ago: Healthy Yogurt Oat Blueberry or Chocolate Chip! Muffins Two Years Ago: 7-Minute Spaghetti Squash Instant Pot/Pressure Cooker Three Years Ago: Perfect Roasted Vegetables 5 Simple Tips Four Years Ago: White Chocolate Oatmeal Craisin Coconut Cookies Five Years Ago: Light Lemon and Spinach Spaghetti

Yield: 12 large cinnamon rolls

Prep Time: 25 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Additional Time: 3 hours

Total Time: 3 hours 45 minutes

Ingredients

Sponge:

1/2 cup (3.75 ounces) granulated sugar

1/2 cup neutral-flavored oil

2 cups milk, scalded (heat to just below a boil)

4 cups (20 ounces) all-purpose flour (I use unbleached)

1 tablespoon instant yeast (see note for active dry yeast)

Dough:

3/4 cup (3.75 ounces) all-purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1 1/2 teaspoons salt

Filling:

8-12 tablespoons butter, softened

3/4 cup (5.5 ounces) packed light brown sugar

1 tablespoon cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon cardamom (optional but delicious)

Icing:

2 ounces cream cheese, softened

8 tablespoons (1 stick, 4 ounces) butter, softened

Pinch salt

2 tablespoons milk or heavy cream

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 3/4 cups (7 ounces) powdered sugar

Instructions

In the bowl of a stand mixer (or in a bowl to mix by hand), add the sugar and oil. Pour in the scalded milk and mix. Let the mixture sit for 15 minutes or so until it is warm but not blazing hot.

Add the 4 cups flour and sprinkle the yeast on top of the flour. Mix until no dry streaks remain and scrape down the sides of the bowl if needed. The dough will be loose and wet-looking. Cover the bowl and let the sponge rest until puffy and doubled, 45 minutes to 1 hour, depending on the warmth of your kitchen.

Add the remaining 3/4 cup flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Mix until the flour is completely incorporated and the dough looks smooth instead of rough and shaggy. It may not necessarily clean the sides of the bowl but it should for a pretty cohesive mass. Add additional flour only if it is too sticky to handle or a small piece of dough won't form a ball in your hands (it's ok if it leaves some doughy residue on your fingers).

Scrape the dough into a lightly greased bowl or container, cover, and let rise until doubled, about an hour.

On a lightly floured counter (I use about 2-3 tablespoons flour), roll or pat the dough into about a 18X12-inch rectangle. Spread the softened butter evenly across the top. Combine the brown sugar and cinnamon (and cardamom, if using) in a bowl and sprinkle evenly across the top of the butter. Pat down very lightly.

Starting with one long end, start rolling the rectangle into a log without pulling and stretching on the dough (but still rolling as tightly as possible). Roll the seam to the bottom and pat the log into an even thickness - it should be about 20 inches long or so at this point.

Cut the log into 12 even pieces. Place the rolls on a parchment-lined half sheet pan, tucking the loose end of the roll underneath, if you want. The rolls should be about an inch apart so they have room to rise. Cover with lightly greased plastic wrap and let rise until noticeably puffy and almost doubled, about an hour.

Bake at 350 degrees F for 18-25 minutes until lightly golden and baked through. Let cool until warm before frosting.

For the frosting, add the cream cheese and butter to a medium bowl. Whip with a handheld (or stand) mixer until creamy. Add the salt, milk or cream, and vanilla. Mix again. Add the powdered sugar and whip until light and creamy.

Spread the slightly warm rolls evenly with the icing. Serve immediately or let cool completely and serve at room temperature (or warm lightly before serving).

Notes

If you only have active dry yeast, proof the same amount of yeast in a couple tablespoons of warm water and a pinch of sugar until the mixture bubbles and foams, 3-4 minutes. Add it to the recipe per the instructions (when the instant yeast is added).

This recipe doubles great (I've only doubled it in my Bosch mixer, not the KitchenAid).

Usually with a yeast dough recipe, I give a big ol' lecture about going by the texture and feel of the dough vs the exact flour amount. With this recipe, the flour amount is important - the dough will probably be softer and slightly stickier than you may be used to - try not to add additional flour. Use the pictures and details in the post to get an idea of how the dough should look and feel. Add additional flour a little at a time only if the dough is too sticky to work with.

Just like Gloria's recipe, these baked cinnamon rolls freeze amazingly well. After they've been frosted and cooled, I'll scoop the rolls one by one into a quart-size ziploc bag, seal and freeze. It gets a little messy with the frosting, but once they are lightly warmed, no one notices - they taste as fresh as the day they were made! It helps to take them out of the bag still frozen and then microwave for a minute or so on 50% power until warm and gooey.

Recipe Source: adapted slightly from a recipe from my friend, Cheryl R (cut the recipe down to smaller size, changed up the mixing method just a little)

Disclaimer: I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

Posted on January 21, 2019 by Mel

Source: https://www.melskitchencafe.com/the-best-cinnamon-rolls/

[astralabove]

New Moon of Libra 2017 - On the Verge of a New Beginning

The New Moon of Libra is by far my favorite new moon, and it's not just because my moon and sun are in Libra ;) Kabbalistically, the new moon of Libra corresponds with Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year.  According to the Kabbalists, Rosh Hashanah is not something invented by ancient Jewish sages to commemorate a new solar cycle.  It is actually a two day cosmic event where all of humanity is essentially walking to a supernal courtroom.  Hence the scales of justice representing the sign of Libra.  On these two days, the upper worlds decide how much money we will make, if we will have children, and how long we will live.  We are judged based on our actions from the previous year, and the events that will occur for us for the coming year will be determined.  In short, this new moon is not only what to expect in the month to come, it is also a look into the year to come.  This annual cycle lasts from the new moon of Libra all the way to the next new moon of Libra.  To understand the energy of this new moon, let's look at our Libran friends.

Libras are people that are most well known for their easy going attitude, kind character, and diplomatic approach to conflict.  Venus is the ruling planet of Libra and as such lends a sense of beauty, balance, and harmony to the personality of those born under the scales.  Libras are incredible at analytics, crisis management, design, science, and math.  They are masters of diplomacy and tact as well as purveyors of all things tasteful and elegant.  These scales represent the idea of balancing good with bad, light with dark, and mercy with judgement.  Libras as such live their lives in a constant balancing act, vacillating between overly merciful pushovers to insufferable warriors of justice.  Most people are familiar with the Libra who is so concerned with keeping the peace that he or she will sacrifice their own rights and needs just to maintain harmony.  However, the opposite can be just as strong.  Anytime a Libra feels they or someone else has been treated unjustly, they will unleash a powerful rage that would frighten even the fiercest of Scorpios and Aries.  They are tasked with discovering what finding and maintaining true inner and outer balance really means.   The swinging and swaying between the two extremes can be as exhausting for those around Libras as it is for Libras themselves.  The air energy of Libra points to their tendency to see things from a purely analytical point of view. They examine every given situation from every possible angle.  This is where the infamous Libra indecision comes into play.  It isn't necessarily that Libras are indecisive, so much as it is that they want to view the situation from a wholistic point of view.  Once a Libra has fully examined all options and POVs and arrived at a conclusion/decision, that idea is solidified and nearly impossible to change.  After all, who wants to go back and review after taking so much time to look at it in the first place?!  

This is the same kind of weighing and analyzing that the cosmic court practices when examining our behavior over the past year.  This means that on the first two days of the month of Libra, we must be on our best behavior.  Only speak kindness of others, do as many kind acts of sharing as you can.  Love unconditionally and go out of your way to do for others.  Sharing draws the energy of mercy, which will then translate into our year to come.  The Kabbalists would attend Rosh Hashanah services, and if you are able to attend a kabbalistic Rosh Hashanah, I highly recommend it.  These services allow access to tools that draw mercy and harness the energy so that it doesn't burn us.  One last thing about these two days, be sure not to utter one negative word about yourself.  Just as you would not incriminate yourself in court, be sure you don't incriminate yourself on those two days.  This year, the two days fall on sundown Sept 20th until sundown Sept 22nd.  

Now let's dive into some of the aspects that we will see this month.  Remember, these aspects not only affect this month, they also affect the next twelve lunar months that follow.  The most notable characteristic of the chart we find is a stellium in Virgo.  We have the Sun, Mercury, Venus and Mars all in the sign of Virgo.  This gives us a hint that we are looking towards a month and year of getting back to basics by reorganizing our lives, our thoughts, and our relationships.  We will be pushed to clean out everything that no longer serves our day to day.  New routines will need to be developed to adapt to changes that will start to take effect.  For example, if you have a closet filled with junk that you have been meaning to clean out and just haven't found the energy, you'll find it, and if you don't find it, it will find you.  It can also go much deeper.  There are many aspects of our behavior and habits that have suited our daily lives, but this year marks a turning point.  There will be major planetary shifts of the outer planets.  Jupiter will move into Scorpio on October 11th.  Saturn will end its two and half year journey through Sagittarius and enter Capricorn on December 21st.  And Uranus will make its long awaiting ingress from Aries into Taurus on May 16th, 2018.  The Virgo energy gives us the chance to clear out all of those old negative spaces.  If the last few years have made you fearful of certain things, be prepared to face those fears and over come them.  If they have made you angry at certain people, be prepared to let that anger go and forgive.  If they have made you numb to certain feelings, be prepared to open you heart.  Changes are coming, and we must be open to the new experiences they will bring.  Most of these changes will be seen in our domestic and home life.  

All of these planets in Virgo will have made, are making, or will soon make an opposition to Neptune in Pisces.  Have you noticed lately that it is really hard to tell fact from fantasy?  Just look at the news.  Is this fake news, or is that fake news?  Is this person lying or are they telling the truth.  What in fact is actually going on??  This is all a result of Neptune in Pisces blurring the lines between the real world and the world of our illusions.  The Virgo energy is solely rooted in the physical world and shows us that we will have to get to the bottom of things that seem fuzzy and unclear.  Be prepared to have a lot of your preconceived notions challenged.  What you thought was real may turn out to be a complete illusion.  Or maybe that crazy idea you've been having could turn out to actually be true! Just be open to what the truth really is.  Let go of your need to be right, and allow the truth to be told.  It won't be an easy ride, but in the end, the truth must prevail, and fantasy must be separated from fact.  

One last notable component of this chart: the ascendent is Cancer, and we have the Moon and Jupiter placed in the fourth house in the sign of Libra.  Think back to my post on the month of Cancer.  Remember how we talked about nurturing others and being that mother figure for other people?  This is how we will get through this transition.  Cancer and the Moon are nurturers, and Libra and Jupiter want to form alliances through relationships.  Our mission this month and year will be to reach out to those on a face to face level and have an honest nurturing conversation.  These conversations will need to be with people we have felt at odds with if we want to truly move forward.  Some of these conversations will bring the relationship to the next level, and some will signal their end.   We will also feel more of a focus on our families, children, and relatives.  We will feel a push to go back to what is truly important, rather than rolling around in ideologies and insignificant differences of opinion.  We will also get back to nurturing ourselves and what is truly important to us.  We should seek to enliven and enrich the love we have for our soul and our deepest self.  Simply put, practicing honest and simple love with ourselves and with others is the way to go.  This way, as we move forward into a new kind of energy, we will feel renewed and reconnected with what is truly important and who we truly are. Keep in mind that with Virgo, there really is no room for error.  So we will need to get back to this place, whether we like it or not.  Trying to go against it and maintaining a selfish separateness within our consciousness will become unbearable.  

If you are interested in how this incredibly energy will show up specifically for you and what kind of changes you will see, click here for a chart consult :)

This new energy is very exciting, and I cannot wait to see what kind of changes come into our lives.  There is more to come on those big planetary transitions in future articles, so keep your eyes peeled!  

Wishing you all an amazing month and an amazing year!

With all my love,

Josh

PS for more astrology, visit my website at www.astralabove.com 

[vsplusonline]

Coronavirus: Developing a rapid COVID-19 test is in the works in Canada, globally

New Post has been published on https://apzweb.com/coronavirus-developing-a-rapid-covid-19-test-is-in-the-works-in-canada-globally/

Coronavirus: Developing a rapid COVID-19 test is in the works in Canada, globally

As novel coronavirus cases rise globally, along with deaths, developing a rapid test for COVID-19 is one of the key areas that researchers in Canada and around the world are targeting.

Related News

Experts have said widespread testing is necessary because it allows for better management of an outbreak. The British government, for instance, bought 3.5 million antibody testing kits from various suppliers in late March, with the intention of making sure they work before distributing them.

READ MORE: Social distancing is crucial, but Canada also needs more coronavirus testing: experts

“The sooner you know if someone’s positive or negative, then the more infection control and outbreak control you can put in place,” said Dr. Anna Banerji, an associate professor at the Dalla Lana School of Public Health at the University of Toronto. 

“Because in that time period, when someone may not be sure, they could be potentially spreading the virus. I think people practise more infection control when they know that someone has a condition.”

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1:49 Coronavirus: Alberta Health Services explains why there is less testing in South Zone

Coronavirus: Alberta Health Services explains why there is less testing in South Zone

World Health Organization director-general Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus has also urged this: “You can’t win a football game by defending, you have to attack as well.”

Countries must “test, test, test, test” in order to know who is infected and who needs to be isolated, he said earlier this month.

READ MORE: Virus science — a look at coronavirus research around the globe

In Canada

As of March 28, more than 184,000 people in Canada had been tested at provincial and national labs across the country. The total number of confirmed cases across the country have exceeded 5,500, with 61 deaths and 472 recoveries. But getting tested can be slow, with more than 8,600 people in Ontario still awaiting test results as of March 28.

READ MORE: Coronavirus: Canada to ban sick travellers from domestic flights, intercity trains

Canada’s chief public health officer Dr. Theresa Tam has previously said testing centres have to “be smart” about who they test, due to supply issues.

Testing in Canada has been slow in getting set up, but Banerji said she expects it to increase.

“I expect in the next few weeks that the testing will be a lot more streamlined,” she said in a recent interview with Global News.

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1:55 Coronavirus outbreak: New antibody test could be key in COVID-19 fight

Coronavirus outbreak: New antibody test could be key in COVID-19 fight

Current testing for COVID-19 in Canada varies by jurisdiction, according to infectious disease expert Dr. Alon Vaisman.

In Toronto, University Health Network’s lab has a “fairly good” turnaround time of less than 24 hours, sometimes shorter, he said. But more remote areas might have a longer turnaround time. So it depends, he said.

2:25 Coronavirus outbreak: Trump says FDA has approved Chloroquine for COVID-19 testing

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“But in the places where they’re doing it rapidly and efficiently, it could be even as short as less than 12 hours, actually,” Vaisman said.

READ MORE: Coronavirus: I just had my COVID-19 test — here’s how it went

A rapid point-of-care test for COVID-19 would be “great,” he said. But until it’s published in a peer-reviewed journal, “it’s hard to know what exactly is the reality.”

[ Sign up for our Health IQ newsletter for the latest coronavirus updates ]

Point-of-care testing is essentially “medical diagnostic testing performed outside the clinical laboratory, at or near, where a patient is receiving care,” according to the College of Medical Laboratory Technologists of Ontario.

1:40 Nova Scotia biologists working around the clock to test COVID-19

Nova Scotia biologists working around the clock to test COVID-19

It may or may not be carried out by lab personnel, with the results used for “clinical decision making.”

Point-of-care testing exists for HIV, for instance, where a nurse can draw a sample, place it in a testing tray and run the test right then and there, Vaisman said.

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“It would help hospitals make decisions regarding isolation and movement of patients and treatment,” he said. “So it’d be a pretty significant development.”

2:07 Coronavirus outbreak: Canada approves 2 new COVID-19 tests

Coronavirus outbreak: Canada approves 2 new COVID-19 tests

Developments in Canada

Canada has allocated millions in research dollars towards the new coronavirus, including a rapid point-of-care diagnostic test for the “quick isolation of those infected.”

Federal Health Minister Patty Hajdu signed an interim order around mid-March to expedite access to two new diagnostic tests to allow provincial labs to speed up testing.

The government’s plan to mobilize industry has also tapped into an Ottawa firm called Spartan that makes diagnostic equipment. The company has signed a letter of intent with the federal government.

READ MORE: Coronavirus: Canadian company working with Ottawa to boost ventilator production

Spartan is developing a portable device that could provide rapid COVID-19 test results, according to a statement by the Prime Minister’s Office.

The firm is in “discussions” with Health Canada as well as the U.S. Food and Drug Administration for approval for the device, which could provide results within 30 minutes. A commercial test could be eight to 12 weeks away, according to Spartan.

2:00 Coronavirus outbreak: Ontario hoping to increase to 5,000 tests per day says Williams

Coronavirus outbreak: Ontario hoping to increase to 5,000 tests per day says Williams

“There’s a portable DNA analyzer, so you take that swab sample, you put it in the cartridge, the cartridge goes into the device and then it gives you results,” Spartan CEO Paul Lem told Global News Radio.

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It’s a diagnostic test that can detect infection in a person, and could be used in health-care facilities, community centres, airports or border crossings, he said.

READ MORE: Coronavirus: Testing backlog linked to shortage of essential chemicals

Around the world

From Ireland to Japan, there have been new developments in recent weeks when it come to rapid tests for COVID-19.

For instance, an Irish company called Assay Genie says it has a rapid test for COVID-19.

“Using a rapid COVID-19 test can identify more people who do not know they have been infected,” the website says, describing the test as for research use only.

READ MORE: Close to 40% of hospitalized COVID-19 patients in the U.S. are aged 20 to 54: report

A disclaimer adds: “While we believe this kit is to be an effective indicator of infection, we cannot guarantee 100% accuracy.”

1:21 Coronavirus: Manitoba’s first drive-thru testing site opens in Selkirk

Coronavirus: Manitoba’s first drive-thru testing site opens in Selkirk

Company co-founder Seán Mac Fhearraigh told Global News the rapid point-of-care test would use a drop of blood. The company began working on the test kits as soon as they heard about the new coronavirus, which first appeared in Wuhan in December 2019. 

“We can see that every health-care system is under a terrible burden at the moment,” he said. A rapid test for COVID-19 could mean quicker decision-making for nurses and doctors.

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In the next few days we will have 100 assays that we are looking to provide to a testing lab to help validate our data and ensure that accuracy can be met before we roll out on scale, if you have any connections in the @hselive

— Seán Mac Fhearraigh (@MacFhearraigh) March 13, 2020

He says the test kit detects an immune response, and that the company is starting to test with a hospital in Ireland this week.

“Say we have an incredibly sick person,” Mac Fhearraigh said. “You have a fast result, 15 minutes, we can say: ‘Go isolate first for the six or seven hours that it might take to get a test result by the traditional method.’”

In the U.S., two rapid tests were recently approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.

READ MORE: Coronavirus: Health minister signs order for faster access to COVID-19 test kits

One developer, Cepheid, received emergency use authorization from the U.S. FDA on March 21 and says the tests, with an approximate detection time of 45 minutes, will be shipped for use in hospitals.

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The second, Abbott Laboratories, says its tests can give results within 15 minutes.

In Japan, researchers have developed a test kit that, from start to finish, takes 40 minutes, according to the Nikkei Asian Review. Canon Medical started developing the kit in late February.

2:10 Italy’s coronavirus death toll jumps by nearly 800 in single day

Italy’s coronavirus death toll jumps by nearly 800 in single day

Researchers at Oxford University have touted a rapid COVID-19 test. The university’s engineering science department has teamed up with the Oxford Suzhou Centre for Advanced Research (OSCAR).

The university says the new test is “much faster” — with results in just half an hour — and negates the need for a complex instrument. Researchers there are arranging clinical validation trials soon.

— With files by Reuters, Global News reporter Leslie Young

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© 2020 Global News, a division of Corus Entertainment Inc.

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FanSided’s 12 Days of Christmas

Image by Brian Rothmuller/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

No one desires birds. Here are FanSided’s 12 Days of Christmas, in accordance with the presents our preferred sports and films have actually given us this vacation season.

As Andrew Bernard learned the difficult method, many of the gifts given up the popular “12 Days of Christmas” are simply birds. In truth, if there are any wealthy bird enthusiasts out there who could manage it, providing your loved one the actual 12 Days of Christmas would total up to 184 birds in total. Nobody desires 184 birds for Christmas.

Because of this indisputable reality, our FanSided personnel decided to get together and analyze the real gifts our preferred sports and films have actually offered us this vacation season.

From college football to the NFL and NBA to the home entertainment industry and beyond, we happily present FanSided’s 12 Days of Christmas!

On the very first day of Christmas, college football offered to me: a qualified LSU quarterback

LSU quarterback Joe Burrow came out of nowhere this year to win the Heisman Prize and lead the Tigers to the College Football Playoff. He’s the SEC record-holder for yards and goals in a season and quickly the best quarterback in LSU history. However, the bar was so low you might reach it without standing. LSU quarterbacks have actually constantly held the team back and got Les Miles fired. This year was different, as Burrow was the finest present LSU fans might have requested.– Patrick Schmidt

On the 2nd day of Christmas, the UFC offered to me: two Baddest Motherf– kers in the video game

We have been so excellent this year and as a delicious reward, the UFC offered the fans something it wanted so much: a genuine Baddest Motherf– ker title, complete with its own belt at the most significant fight card of the year. Jorge Masvidal faced off with Nate Diaz to crown the official BMF in the UFC and when the dust finally settled, we saw Masvidal with the strap around his waste and a prospective second BMF defend next year … and his opponent may be none other than Nate’s huge sibling, Nick.– Amy Kaplan

On the 3rd day of Christmas, the NFL offered to me: an understanding of what a catch is

The NFL has long been flummoxed when trying to describe what a finished catch remains in the guideline book. No NFL fan or expert might be given a much better gift than making this a simple guideline that was obvious in real time. Commissioner Roger Goodell comes through.– Matt Verderame

On the 4th day of Christmas, college football provided to me: 4 playoff groups

4 is the magic number when it pertains to the college football postseason. LSU, Ohio State, Clemson and TK make the field this year. It’s the very first time Alabama has actually not made the College Football Playoff, so that’s a present right there if you have actually suffered from Alabama fatigue the last couple of years.– Patrick Schmidt

On the fifth day of Christmas, the NHL offered to me: 5 head coaches fired

The NHL remains in a bit of turmoil as the holiday rolls around. In between poor efficiencies and a coaching abuse scandal that is rocking the structure of the sport, the NHL has actually seen five head coaches alleviated of their duties in just a few weeks. Beware, your group may be next!– Mary Clarke

On the 6th day of Christmas, Hollywood offered to me: 6 feet of Adam Chauffeur.

With The Report and Marital Relationship Story already out, fall 2019 has been Adam Driver season and all of it culminates in the release of Star Wars Episode IX: The Increase of Skywalker The internet enjoys discussing Motorist– Is he a good star? Is he hot? Or is he just distractingly tall? From motion pictures to memes, all six-feet(- two) of Adam Chauffeur is the gift that continues providing.– Shea Corrigan

On the seventh day of Christmas, Luka Doncic offered to me: seven( ty-seven) marks of excellence

7 is thought about the ideal number, so it’s no surprise Luka Doncic uses 2 of them on his jersey. No. 77 on the Dallas Mavericks was already pleasant, and precisely nobody ought to be shocked what he’s doing given how much he achieved as a professional abroad prior to concerning the NBA, but his production at age 20 is actually unprecedented. Averaging 29.3 points, 9.6 rebounds and 8.9 helps per video game is flirting with triple-double territory that only Russell Westbrook and Oscar Robertson have actually ever ventured into for a full season, but he’s doing it on 61.8 percent real shooting as the primary factor the Mavs own the very best offense in the league and a 19-10 record. Likewise, think how numerous triple-doubles he had on the season? Not seven, however eight, actually one-upping perfection. Luka Doncic is exceptionally fun to view, easy to root for and right now, he’s the spirit of Christmas embodied on a basketball court. That spirit is perfect, and it uses two No. 7s across the chest.– Gerald Bourguet

On the 8th day of Christmas, in my nightmares Tom Hooper offered to me: 8 stars as felines in Cats

There are more than eight cats in the movie Cats (I Googled it) however there are eight genuine stars– full-on award-winning, chart-topping movie and/or pop stars– donning the most psychopathic catsuits/fur technology you will ever see in Tom Hooper’s “musical dream” adjustment. (They are Idris Elba, Taylor Swift, Ian McKellen, Rebel Wilson, James Corden, Judi Dench, Jennifer Hudson and Jason DeRulo.)– Shea Corrigan

On the ninth day of Christmas, the Phoenix Suns provided to me: (ideally!) turning the corner on nine years of misery

The Phoenix Suns haven’t been to the playoffs because 2010 (the second-longest active playoff drought in the NBA), they have not won 30 video games given that 2015, and even discussing the names of draft whiffs like Josh Jackson, Marquese Chriss or Dragan Bender is enough to make the most diehard of fans wince. But for the very first time in Devin Booker’s career, he’s got NBA-caliber colleagues and a genuine head coach. The result? Career-best performance for Book, a Suns team that’s 11-19 in spite of dealing with among the league’s hardest schedules and missing Deandre Ayton for all however two video games, and a shot at lastly taking the first step in an extended reconstruct. This fanbase has continuously been put through the ringer, but in between having an actual point guard in Ricky Rubio, Kelly Oubre’s Valley Boyz wave and Aron Baynes substituting the suspended Ayton, the Suns are taking their primary step towards legitimacy by simply competing. Maybe the playoffs won’t happen after a hot start raised expectations, specifically during a seven-game losing streak, however even breaking 30-35 wins would be encouraging.– Gerald Bourguet

On the 10 th day of Christmas, soccer provided to me: a 10- point lead that Liverpool surely can’t let slip this time, right?

Sure, it would be good for our true love to provide us an engaging Premier League title race like we saw last season, but in the lack of that, we get to see a buzzsaw Liverpool team that looks definitely identified to snap the storied club’s 30- year league title dry spell. The Reds lead the Premier League by 10 points (with a game in hand) at Christmas. Of all teams though, Liverpool won’t be assuming it’s over, after they blew a Christmas lead last season. And the Ghosts of Christmas Past run even deeper because, through Opta “each of the last 3 sides to fail to win the title after being leading at Christmas have all been the Reds (2008-09, 2013-14 and 2018-19).” For Liverpool fans, this might be the year they finally win the Premier League, and for us neutrals, we get to see them hold their breath and see if possibly they can end up being the next Invincibles while doing so.– John Wilkinson

On the 11 th day of Christmas, the NFL offered to me: awesome young quarterbacks

After what feels like a century of Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Drew Brees and Ben Roethlisberger, the league is finally churning the mix. Patrick Mahomes, Lamar Jackson, Deshaun Watson and others are blazing a trail, introducing what need to be the requirement for 15 years moving forward. More athleticism, more enjoyment and more possibilities. Excellent stuff.– Matt Verderame

On the 12 th day of Christmas, MLB offered to me: So, so, many presents since totally free agents are really getting signed prior to Christmas

After a freezing market last winter left the leading totally free representatives anonymous through the holidays (and well beyond), it was refreshing to see big-ticket products Stephen Strasburg, Gerrit Cole and Anthony Rendon go off the board this December. Now, as we wait to see if contending groups open the checkbook for mid-level totally free representatives too, let’s hope we can discover a way onto the gift-giving list of those three.– John Wilkinson

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