#may is just going to be the Screaming Month
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You said you think pre-infarction house was an addict-can you expand on that? What drugs were he hooked on and why did he fully switch to vicodin and never used others again? Did he ever reach a go-to-rehab level addiction? How did wilson handle that? And what was Stacy's attitude towards his addiction? I think she would have been a lot more forgiving than cuddy because 1. She herself is a smoker who goes back to cigarettes during hard time and 2. Unlike cuddy, she didn't have a small child to worry about.
Ahhh thank you sm, I love this question!!! Let's get into it ✨
So my theory is that house was abusing morphine prior to the infarction. here are my reasons for thinking so:
1. Three Stories- the entire reason house's infarction was as bad as it was is bc everyone except house was convinced he was just drug seeking at first. it makes absolutely zero sense for them to think that unless he already had a history of drug seeking. unless I misremember (anyone feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) he already worked at PPTH for a while before the infarction happened. so it was the same doctors he knew and interacted with every single day that saw him screaming in agony and chose to believe he was just trying to seek drugs and not actually in pain. he had to have a history, it just doesn't make sense otherwise for them to assume he was drug seeking.
2. one very specific line in No Reason (the episode where house is shot and the whole episode is a hallucination). when house, wilson, and cuddy are in her office and house is realizing they did something to his brain (the ketamine treatment) cuddy says this specific line: "You were out of control, you were shooting morphine!" This line has always stuck out to me and no one ever seems to mention it. It's very out of place bc the conversation they're having is about him being shot and them doing something to him while he was under. I think this was his brain connecting this event to the last time someone did something to him while he was unconscious, trying to rationalize these traumatic events.
3. In early s3 when the pain comes back, he begs cuddy to give him a shot of morphine in his spine (the scene where he drops his pants in her office and asks her in tears if the scar is all in his head too since she thinks the pain is all in his head.) cuddy gives him the shot and he comes back looking for another one later on, after the pain comes back again. she informs him that she never gave him morphine, it was saline. the fact that the pretend morphine worked suggests he had a mental dependency on it. I'm pretty sure this is the point where he goes back to vicodin (it's been a few months since I did my last rewatch so I could be wrong). I think had she actually given him morphine, he likely would've become addicted to it again. Just the thought of the morphine was enough to have him looking for more.
4. Wilson's tendency to jump straight to heroin use when he thinks house is on something other than vicodin. it happens more than once in the series when house starts acting just the slightest bit off, wilson leaps to the conclusion that he's on heroin. which is an insane leap to make unless it's something he's had to worry about in the past. I think the reason wilson would jump to heroin over morphine is if he knows what it looks like when house is high on morphine. If house used to abuse morphine, wilson would be able to recognize it and if he can't, it must be something much worse. this again plays into why I think he was an addict prior to the infarction even if it wasn't morphine, because who in their right mind would jump to their best friend using heroin if that person didn't have a long history of abusing similar drugs?
Now to answer your other questions:
Why did he switch to vicodin and not go back to others he may have been addicted to? I can tell you from personal experience that while morphine feels great, it makes you hazy and tired and out of it. I think once he was prescribed vicodin after his surgery and learned that he could function on it and not feel hazy, it was a match made in heaven for him (he says a few times in the show that vicodin doesn't make him hazy, so he immediately knows if he's on something else bc he feels hazy.) He didn't need to switch to anything else as long as he had access to vicodin bc he got the high, the pain relief, and no haziness. but when he got cut off of his vicodin during the tritter ordeal, he stole oxycodone (I think?) from wilson's dead patient. so if he didn't have vicodin, it's safe to assume he would go back to whatever he had access to.
Did he ever reach rehab level addiction? / What was Stacy's attitude towards his addiction? I think if we go based off his colleagues thinking he was drug seeking + cuddy saying he was out of control and shooting up morphine, I would say yes, it was rehab level addiction. But— I feel like if it had been that bad, stacy would've mentioned it in some sort of capacity during her arc when they were discussing their relationship. she never hints at him being an addict as far as I can remember. she loved and cared about house so much that she was willing to accept him hating her if it meant he was alive and healthy. I feel like if his addiction had been dangerous, she would've done anything to get him help the same way she did during his infarction. even if it meant going against his wishes and him hating her, she would've insisted he got help. so I'm conflicted on that question, honestly. I think maybe it depends on the perspective of those around him. maybe those at the hospital saw something stacy didn't, I'm not sure. but I agree with what you said about her being more forgiving and understanding of it than cuddy was. I think if he had been an addict while they were together, she would've given him an endless amount of chances until it became dangerous, that's when she would put her foot down and try to force him into rehab and their relationship probably would've crumbled for a whole different reason.
How did Wilson handle his addiction? I think house being an addict prior to the infarction plays perfectly into the theme of wilson emotionally neglecting his wives for house. we obviously don't have an exact timeline of his marriages aside from his first one ending just before house and wilson met, but it's pretty safe to assume that he was married to and even possibly divorced from bonnie before the infarction ever happened since he seems to have been married to julie for a little while in the beginning of the show.
[sidenote: here is my personal timeline HC for wilson's marriages.
Sam: 1991-1992 (canon)
Bonnie: 1993-1998
Julie: 1999 (before infarction) - 2005]
In the episode where house uses bonnie to get dating info about wilson, she says the iconic line, "You always needed him and he was always there for you. He had a wife waiting for him at home and you didn't care." And it just makes sense if the reason house always needed him was because of his struggles with addiction. house in general is a needy person who always wanted wilson's affection to himself, that much is clear, but wilson had to of had a good excuse to always run off for whatever it is house needed from him prior to him being disabled.
Getting into more specifics about how wilson would've handled his addiction back then— I think he would've handled it similarly to the way he did with the vicodin. he's an enabler unfortunately, he would've let house make excuses and made excuses for him because he tries to give house the benefit of the doubt that he can control himself. I think back then even more so, because house wasn't in pain and disabled, wilson had no reason to think house couldn't control himself. I think it's even possible that wilson was in denial about it too, he didn't want to believe his best friend was an addict and maybe he felt like he needed to protect house when others started accusing him of such. I think that may be why wilson asked cuddy to make that bet with house to find out if he was addicted to vicodin. he ignored it and denied it last time and he's enabled him for years since the infarction, he wanted to know if he was treating house's pain or still enabling an addict. the answer was both, which makes it no less complicated. but like with all of house's issues, wilson continues to stand by him and be there for him bc he loves him and wants him in his life, addict or no addict.
#chyanne speaks#asks#house md#thank you for sending these wonderful asks and letting me ramble and deep dive into these characters!!
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The Rare Bookseller Part 78: Oliver's Awakening
Previous > Masterlist
tw: aftermath of mind control, discussion of abuse
October 1925
Oliver writhed on the ground, his chest as tight as a drum and tears squeezing from his eyes, as all the fear and pain and shame that had been suppressed the past few months flooded him.
He'd been content, so content to give up his own life to become the servant of a vampire, hardly even struggling as he was taken and confined and ensorcelled. He'd enjoyed the vile feedings, looking forward to the vampire drinking away his blood, pleased to slump over in the vampire's arms as his life was drained, satisfied with the twin scars on his neck. He'd cheerfully allowed the vampire to pass him around like a party favor to his lover, to curl up around him as he slept, to dress him up in ball gowns and take him to vampire dens to show off…
But truly, it wasn't the shame that hurt the most -- that was just the easiest of his emotions to understand. No, the worst of it was the profound sense of emptiness. It was if Alexander's music had filled something within him he hadn't known was empty. It had given him a purpose, even if it was to follow the selfish whims of a monster, and now he was devoid. Knowing intellectually that it had never been a real purpose, just enslavement, didn't ease the sting of his heart.
Vivian crouched down and placed a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay, Oliver, I know it's a lot to process. It might take days or weeks --"
"You don't know!" Oliver wrenched backwards to get away from her, furious. "You don't know what you just took. You can't!"
"I know it must hurt --"
"If you knew it would hurt like this, then why did you do it against my wishes?" Oliver demanded.
"Oliver!" Emily was standing nearby. "She was just trying to help. It's not fair to yell at her like that."
"It's not fair that I feel like this!"
"Leave him alone," said Vivian. "Let him scream at me if he wants. He's coming out of a much deeper enthrallment than you were in, Emily. It won't be easy."
"That's not true," she said indignantly. "I could barely talk, couldn't remember my past, wasn't even literate any more."
"Yes, and that's relatively easy for a vampire to do. What's been done to Oliver is far more precise and insidious, to keep him so intact on the surface while bending his desires and loyalties completely."
"Do you mind talking about me as though I'm not even here?" Oliver hated how angry he was, how he couldn't control the harshness of his voice. He was never angry, never so much as raised his voice at a difficult customer, not before he was captured. Even then, his anger had been weak, easily plucked out of his head by that damned Miss Lily. He felt sick to think of himself drowsing in her company, letting her rummage through his very mind, throw out anything she didn't like, and replacing his truth with a pretty painted facade.
"I'm sorry," said Vivian. "I know you're upset with me, but this is important. Can you still feel the connection with your former master?"
"No. It's been severed. I can't hear him anymore."
"That's good. With a vampire that powerful, it's likely that your connection is actually only weakened, not entirely destroyed. He may try to enter your head again, draw you under his sway."
Oliver nodded, ashamed that a part of him hoped he would, that Alexander's music would dull the pain. No, he would have to resist somehow. He couldn't go through all of this heartache for no reason, to go merrily skipping back into the arms of a vampire. Vivian's magic had stripped away the illusion, revealed the monster behind the handsome face.
"I'll try to resist," said Oliver shakily.
"Good, that's good. If you hear his voice, you need to tell me immediately, all right? I can help protect you, or wash out his influence again if we need to," she said. "It's my fault for not killing him when I had the chance. I was a coward. And now I'll have to plan to go after him again, before he hunts me down."
"Don't kill him!" Oliver's fervor surprised even him.
"Oliver, you'll never be safe until I do."
"I know that, but -- I don't want him to die. Maybe I should want him to die, maybe I'm still under his spell, but I can't bring myself to want him to die," he said, not understanding why he felt so strongly about this when he knew Alexander's true nature.
"He took you from your bookshop, remember?" said Emily. "The whole time we were in those cages -- at least, before Lily warped our minds -- that's all you could talk about, was your bookshop and how you had to return there. Don't you want to?"
His bookshop, and the tiny apartment above. His little safe haven, where he'd spent his entire life. The antique books locked behind the counter, the sagging shelves of the history section, the ratty armchair with the throw blankets that might still be waiting for him.
"I can't go back there," he said. "Alexander was one of my customers. He'd find me easily."
"That's why I have to kill him," said Vivian.
Mounting horror dawned on Oliver. "But even if you did kill him, it wouldn't do any good, because his sire would find out and hunt us both down. I'm sure of it."
"His sire? A vampire that powerful, and he's still beholden to his sire?"
"He's a terrifying vampire." The fear, which had been acute before, was now so much more sharp without Alexander's soothing influence. He could remember the feel of harsh fangs in his neck all too well, the panic of being unable to open his eyes. "Far more terrifying than Alexander could ever be. Alexander once told me that if we ever tried to escape him, he'd hunt us both down and make sport of it, and I believe him."
"It can't be…" Vivian muttered. "Tell me more about him, your former master's sire."
As much as Oliver didn't care to recall those memories, Vivian might actually be able to help. "I'll tell you whatever information I have. I'd be happy to see him die, and Alexander would, too. I don't know his real name, but they all call him the Maestro --"
"You've met him?" She gripped his shoulders like a madwoman. "You've actually met the Maestro?"
"Unfortunately, yes. You've heard of him?"
"He took my mother. He's the vampire I need to kill more than any other. You must tell me everything you know about him."
"I'm sorry about your mother," he said. "I can tell you everything I've learned about him, if you agree that you won't kill Alexander."
"Even if I were convinced you truly meant that and it wasn't just residual conditioning, I couldn't agree to that. Alexander is likely to come after me for taking you, and if he does, I need to be able to defend myself."
"I suppose that's true," said Oliver reluctantly. He didn't want to admit to himself that it would be ideal if Vivian were to kill the Maestro but spare Alexander, so that he would have the option of returning to the vampire without the threat of his sire hanging over their heads.
No, he must still be under the spell. He shouldn't return to Alexander under any circumstances, not if he wanted to keep a free thought in his head.
"You need to tell me," Vivian insisted. "Revenge on the Maestro is one of the main reasons I became a hunter in the first place. It wasn't just my mother who suffered. He's killed at least twenty hunters, and he's believed to have kidnapped a number of musicians and stage performers. He needs to be stopped."
"He does." Oliver sighed, feeling that tiny bit of leverage slip. "All right. I'll tell you what I know."
He tried to recall everything he could for Vivian's sake -- everything Lex had told him, and especially recounting his own experiences with the cruel vampire. Emily sat nearby, her eyes going wide with horror as Oliver described his blinding and the painful feeding. Vivian, on the other hand, was absorbing all of Oliver's words carefully.
"So when he controlled you -- was there any sort of induction he had to perform? Any conditions he had to meet?"
"I don't think so, or at least I don't remember any. Alexander didn't mention any either. He was able to puppet my body as easily as if I were a toy, and there didn't seem to be any way to resist it."
"Hm. That's going to be trouble," said Vivian, deep in thought. "And when he stopped you from opening your eyes again -- how long did it take for that enthrallment to wear off?"
"It didn't. The next day, Alexander took me to Miss -- to another vampire's home, one that specializes in hypnotizing humans, and she reversed the Maestro's command."
"A specialist in hypnotizing humans? Lily?"
"You know her too?"
"Yes, I'm aware of her."
"Are you going to kill her, too?"
"I really should, considering how many people's minds she's destroyed -- or are you going to defend her as well?"
"…No." Truthfully, he felt more conflicted about it than he should, given that Vivian was objectively correct. How many human minds had she stolen? How many lives had she cut short, selling innocent people off to vampires with nothing more than glee about her profits? She was the one who had twisted his mind, and all those feelings of comfort and warmth as he slept in her chair were nothing more than lies to keep him docile.
"So do have any idea where the Maestro lives?"
"No, I'm sorry. Those are the only two times I encountered him, and Alexander never mentioned where he lives, from what I can recall."
Vivian sighed. "It's a pity. But even so, you've given me far more information than I had yesterday, and I'm grateful for it."
"You know… both you and Alexander want the Maestro dead. Could you ever consider working together?" asked Oliver.
"Working with a vampire?"
"Only this one specific time, only to kill an even worse vampire!"
"I can't do that," said Vivian. "Even if we do have the same goal. Fighting a vampire as formidable as the Maestro would leave me vulnerable, and I can't trust that this Alexander wouldn't simply enthrall me afterwards. In fact, he'd be stupid not to, lest I kill him."
Oliver wanted to protest that Alexander wouldn't do that… except that Alexander might actually do that. After all, he had no qualms at all about buying a human at auction, even a human he previously knew as an equal. Why would he hesitate to enthrall a hunter?
"Come on," said Vivian, helping him off the floor. "We can talk more about this later. You've been through a lot tonight, and need more time to shake off the spell you've been under. We have a room that you can use, but I'm going to have to lock you in, and keep you under surveillance for now, at least until we're sure that your vampire isn't going to try and push himself into your head again."
"Fine," he said, accepting that Vivian didn't trust him. He didn't even trust himself. "Why can he still do that, if you've undone the enthrallment?"
"There's a psychic connection established when a vampire drinks your blood. It's not quite the same thing as enthrallment, and it can be very strong. It fades in days or weeks, but until then, you'll still be vulnerable to the vampire's influence."
"I see." He wondered if that applied to any vampire which had fed from him. If it did, that meant -- "But the Maestro, he…"
"Yes," she said grimly. "Has he ever entered your mind before, when he's not there in person?"
"I don't think so. I hope not."
"I hope not either. I'm not prepared to fight him just yet. If you sense anything, you need to tell me right away."
"Yes, of course."
Vivian led Oliver out of the attic and into a room little bigger than a closet, with a cot and a small chest of drawers. "You should get some rest," she said, herding Oliver inside. "You'll feel better once you have. Is there anything you need?"
"A glass of water, please?" asked Oliver, sitting on the edge of the cot. "And if you have any interesting books…"
"Certainly. I'll see what I can do."
Oliver waited patiently for Vivian to return with the water and a couple of old magazines. As soon as she left the room and he heard the lock click shut, he fell back onto the bed, knowing that he wouldn't even be able to concentrate on reading, not with all the thoughts crowding his head.
He was free.
Wasn't he?
It was terribly hard to feel free when he was locked into a small room, the threat of his vampiric master and his sire still hanging over his head like an executioner's axe. The confinement was for his own safety, and he understood the reasons, but he wouldn't actually be free until both Alexander and the Maestro had ceased to walk the earth.
He was frustrated with himself. He shouldn't care so much about the well-being of a vampire who had literally purchased him at auction. And yet…
Now that the initial shock and fear had worn off, he was finding himself gripped by a deep and profound sadness. The cot he lay on was hard and cold, and he couldn't suppress his longing for his bed at home -- no, Alexander's bed. It wasn't ever his. He'd been hypnotized to share it, to cuddle up with a monster.
He'd been hypnotized into affection.
And it was really the only affection he'd had since he was a child, wasn't it? He'd lived such a solitary and quiet life, spending almost every night alone in his small apartment with books for company. Even the simple pleasure of curling up to read next to someone else had been foreign to him until he came into Alexander's possession.
And it had all been a fabrication meant to keep him compliant, hadn't it? He shouldn't miss it. He should be glad to be rid of it.
But the thought of returning to his solitary life, of never experiencing actual tenderness, was crushing him inside. He'd been starving for so many years, but it had been bearable when he didn't know what he was missing. Now that he knew that his choice was between actual loneliness and false companionship, he could only be ashamed at the parts of himself which preferred the lie.
No, he had to press on somehow. He couldn't return himself to a monster, no matter how charming. He should be happy to be freed. He could have his own life back. He could sleep during the night and wake during the day, and walk in the sunshine, and choose to go wherever he pleased.
He could take what little money he had stashed in his bookshop and take a train out of town, or a boat overseas, see the new places that he dreamed about but never got around to visiting. He could start his life over, do something else with it. Live a fuller life in the here and now rather than wait in his lonely little bookshop, wait for something to happen to him. Something had happened to him, and it should have taught him a lesson about choosing what he wants before it's chosen for him.
It was exhilarating. But…
For all his newly gained freedom, he still had no idea what he actually wanted. The desire for fangs in his neck was fake, but at least it was a clear desire. What did he want before, apart from books and safety? And who was he now, now that he knew the dangerous world of the supernatural lurked just behind every streetlamp, just waiting to pull him into it?
Previous > Masterlist
Next week: Oliver is not as free as he might have hoped.
I'll also have a Christmas-adjacent self-indulgent vampire story up tomorrow, so please keep an eye out! And vote in the holiday edition of Sedation Vending Machine!
Thanks for reading this story another year, and happy holidays!
@d-cs @latenightcupsofcoffee @thecyrulik @dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night @wanderinggoblin
@whumpyourdamnpears @only-shadows-dwell-where-we-are @pressedpenn @pigeonwhumps @amusedmuralist
@vampiresprite @irregular-book @whumpsoda @und3ad-mutt
@sowhumpshaped @whumpsday @morning-star-whump @silly-scroimblo-skrunkl
@steh-lar-uh-nuhs @pirefyrelight @theauthorintraining @whump-me-all-night-long @anonfromcanada
@typewrittenfangs @tessellated-sunl1ght @cleverinsidejoke @abirbable @ichorousambrosia
@a-formless-entity @gobbo-king @writinggremlin @the-agency-archives @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi
@enigmawriteswhump @bottlecapreader @whump-on-a-string @whumpinthepot
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@whump-me-harder @whump-till-ya-jump @the-monarch-whumperfly @ium1naryy @wumpbean
#whump#whump writing#vampires#mind control#vampire hunter#vampire whump#rare bookseller#oliver#vivian#emily
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somehow... the savings have returned
anyway this is the last of these sales before my next two books come out within the same month because i guess god views my existence as a personal challenge, SO
PREORDER PAINTED DEVILS HERE
PREORDER GRIMOIRE OF GRAVE FATES HERE
F IN CHAT FOR MY SLEEP SCHEDULE
#painted devils#little thieves#grimoire of grave fates#barnes and noble#preorder sale#may is just going to be the Screaming Month
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a mob of emus for an artstyle game on twt! ^_^
#project sekai#emu otori#the usernames are all their public twts so if you use that evil platform check out their art ^_^#many of them are on here with the same users even.. be gone from my sight vile bird#the one on the bottom right is Mine but ive never had an artstyle in my life so it may not be obvious to the viewers. sorry.#pjsk#prsk#proseka#only my beautiful mutuals beautiful art can make me do LINEART#i was going to ask on here but realized i dont have mutuals bc this is a side blog. sniffle. hell on earth#I dont have much to scream in the tags. semester is almost over. Im sleepy. I designed emu a huge seord for an assignment#but the 3d model turned out Bad. it looks ok from the top but you turn it and see Problems.#its been a month or so since i modelled that and i have gotten better so i want to try again with no time crunch + pressure#its a fun looking sword. magical girl sword type shit#EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT THE LITTLE PRINCE WXS STUFF I END UP AWAKE UNTIL 3AM BECAUse it GETS TO ME#WAAAAAAAAAUHGH. I HAVE CLASS IN 11 HOURS#GOODNIGHT. IT WILL BE AS IF ALL THE STARS WERE LAUGHING.#oh my god wait i did this this weekend bc i was like yaay i have a weekend without any assignments due#I just forgot abt one. Bc my email hasnt been working properly and didnt send me the reminder for it. i will spend my tuesdah drawing a gun
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CHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?
#twisted wonderland#twst#twst spoilers#twisted wonderland spoilers#twst jp spoilers#excuse me while i scream in the tags ahem-#LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#CATER DIAMOND MY BOY I KNEW IT WOULD BE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!#CHAT WHATS GOING ON WHY IS HE GIVING KING VIBES BOY WHAT IS THIS DREAM OF YOURS?!#THAT SKATEBOARD IN THE BACK IS THE CLOSEST THING TO SKATER BOI CATER CARD IM GETTING AND ILL TAKE IT#SOMEONE SHOW ME THIS BOYS SUBCONSCIOUS NOW!#i cant wait to finally see what the heck is going on in caters mind#is it the cangst?#*grabs by the shoulders* IS IT THE CANGST?#the cangst is real#im literally so excited i had no idea Heartslabyul was dropping so soon i thought it would be in a month or two#but you dont see me complaining!#december release? merry christmas to me!#ok im chill im chill#cay cay you look so slay slay#good for him#this is Cater's time to shine!#begging the order they wake up in to be 1 2 3 4 so trey may bear witness to whatever plot comes of this#so badly want to know why my guy is giving King/Jack of Hearts vibes#share your lore with me Cater i dont bite i just want to put you under a microscope#shoot- hes going to take over my brain space again hes too fascinating a character#hi nice to meet you I'm totally normal about this silly lil guy
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I know no one asked, but I have exactly zero (0) people to talk about bkdk with irl so here you guys go
My BKDK Journey
Yes, this sounds stupid, but my god it’s been almost three years of an absolute rollercoaster of feelings and denials and tears and revelations…
and if you don’t mind, I’m gonna rant about it.
(not spoiler free)
_____
May 2021
To start off, i wasn’t always a bkdk shipper.
I shipped izu*cha at first (not saying it’s a bad ship btw; it’s actually quite cute. im just afraid people’ll be mad if I accidentally invade their tag lol), primarily because I assumed that would be the ship that became canon.
But also, my veryyyyy leasttttt favorite character… was Bakugou Katsuki.
When I tell you that I would’ve loved nothing more than to somehow spawn into the bnha universe and punch that brat in the face— AGHHHHHHHHHH
Now this wasn’t all his fault: A) I watched the dub first lol, and B) he reminded me of someone that i was not in a place to stand up to at the time, and his constant anger, yelling, and harsh treatment of Izuku—who i began to relate to—made me hateeee him.
There was a time when I literally said “if he died, I wouldn’t miss him.” <- this was later proven false lol
So, I was watching the anime dub with an absolute animosity for our resident deuteragonist, but on top of that…
I was watching it with a friend with a crunchyroll account who lived in another state that I was visiting and staying with for two weeks, so by the time i had to go back home, we’d only gotten up to the part where All Might was getting Inko’s permission to let Izuku stay at the UA dorms.
Anddddddd in my drive to consume more bnha once I got home, i somehow stumbled across an Instagram account that posted bnha sub episodes divided into parts,
but they only had season four and onwards.
Sooooo I never saw the second half of season three… more importantly,
I NEVER SAW DEKU VS KACCHAN 2!!!!!
(I will say that I had seen a couple photos/edits/etc, but I never knew what had been said, or why they fought)
_____
June 2021
At this point in time, I’d been exposed to a lot of the fandom. My fyp on both IG and Pinterest were filled to the brim with all things bnha (because this is what happens when one has a hyperfixation), so I saw a lot of stuff.
Especially fanart.
This is where I started learning about the different ships.
I saw a lot of the side character ships and thought they were adorable (kamijirou, todomomo, even kiribaku), but then I saw some with Izuku.
Izu*cha was a given for me. I didn’t think there was a single person that didn’t ship it. But then I started seeing fanart of ships like tododeku, shindeku, and bakudeku.
And my first reaction to finding out that people shipped my beautiful baby sunshine boi with the person who bullied him for years?????
HELLLLLLLLLLL NO
So with my (unknowingly) limited knowledge of their relationship, i was very much an anti (i never spoke out or anything, i just reallyyyy didn’t like the ship lol)
(And then, you know, I started to see all the bkdk hate online and kinda went “okay not touching that”)
But that began to change…
_____
August 2021
…after I saw a manga leak for the first time.
I was scrolling thru my feed and all of a sudden. BOOM!
I was like 😧
IS THAT IZUKU?????
And i looked in the comments and yes it was.
I checked out the page and found that they had an entire account of manga leaks and was so happy.
I quickly began to read from the very bottom of that account, and it started from right about where Izuku first began his vigilante arc (i had no idea how much was in between then and where I left off on the anime, but I was willing to read it lol)
And so I waited diligently for the leaks every week (a practice I have continued to uphold lol), until one day, i came across an untranslated series of panels from the latest chapter. I looked at it and it was of Katsuki and Izuku, facing each other in the rain (you know the one). I knew the leaks would be coming a day later, but I wanted to look through them anyways, so I did.
I didn’t understand a word they said, but the pictures and imagery of them as kids then middle schoolers then where they were now seemed so touching…
And then I came across a pair of kanji that I recognized.
I was like “wait WHAT???”
I zoomed in and went “that— isn’t that—? That’s part of Midoriya’s name, right???”
And then I was like “wait a second… omg that’s Izuku, isn’t it. That’s the freaking kanji for Izuku.”
And it was!!!!!
So inside I’m having a mini freakout cuz—
Bakugou just called him IZUKU
Fast forward to the next day, and I looked at the translated version, and found out that not only did he call him Izuku,
He
Freaking
APOLOGIZED
And I was like “huhhhhhhh”
What happened between now and the most recent anime episodes for this to occur???? For Bakugou to do a complete 180 and apologize????????
Well, I finally got my answers…
_____
November 2021
…when I started reading the manga.
I started from the beginning, cuz I wanted to see Horikoshi’s art style and the extra drawings and all the other stuff…
And when I tell you that Katsuki became a whole new character to me—
First, I read everything about early-on Bakugou— without hearing him yell in his dub voice—and realized “oh wow he really is just a kid with issues and a worldview that he’s now having to change.”
Then, I finally read what happened in that space between moving into the dorms and the beginning of season four (most importantly, DvK2).
Cried.
Then, oh then, I got up to where season five ended and the rest of the manga began.
. . .
Funny thing: back when I read the leaks to ch322, I remember thinking to myself, “huh. what did Bakugou mean by Shigaraki making swiss cheese outta him?”
😦
THE WAY I GASPED
AND THEN CRIED
OH MY FREAKING GOD
That was the moment where i truly ceased to hate Katsuki cuz holy character development batman
Then, of course, we see them in recovery
And then the vigilante arc and apology scene *sobs*
And then I was caught up.
(Btw I finished the entire manga up ‘til ch334 in just over a week. I read for nine days straight. During the school year. My emotions were all over the place goodness gracious I could barely concentrate.)
So that’s how I went from being a Bakugou hater to going “you know what he’s a complex character and he’s slowly becoming a better person” and realizing that he was now one of my fav characters and therefore cursed to die but I’ll talk about that later
Was I now a bakudeku shipper?
Hah nope.
_____
December 2021
I began my dive into the true essence of any fandom: fanfiction.
Over the course of winter break, I had started off with fics that had no romantic pairing (I just wanted to see my boi Izuku), but then somehow stumbled across Mastermind: Strategist for Hire and then read the entirety of the For Want of a Nail series (shoutout to Clouds btw ❤️) cuz I was like “ok whew no bkdk fics” which was my mindset at the time.
But somehow (I can’t even remember how I found it) I came across a bkdk fic. It was called For Want of Izuku’s Toe Joint by Talavin (okay now that I think about it there’s probably a simple explanation lol).
I don’t quite know what compelled me to start reading it, but I did.
And I really liked it.
But not in the “I’ve been converted” kinda way.
It was like an “I shouldn’t be enjoying this why am I enjoying this?” kinda feeling. Like my head says no but my heart says yeah.
A really really really really guilty pleasure.
So, from that day on, whenever I came across any form of bkdk media, I would simultaneously feel discomfort and yet an odd sense of satisfaction.
A snippet of my daily life:
Me: *comes across bkdk fanart on pinterest*
Me: eww
Also me: *stares at it for like five minutes straight*
Me: who even likes this?
Also me: *saves pin to my mha board*
Me: not my ship
Also me: *scrolls down to more like this*
Bless my heart I was in such denial.
_____
July 2022
Bit of a timeskip, but nothing of note really happened in those last six months so here we go.
We’ve gotten to the point in the manga where the final arc is underway and Bakugou is about to KICK SOME BUTT
He’s revealed his Panser Strafe support item and I’m gushing about it to my friend (she kinda fell out of the fandom but still tolerated my rants bless her)
Oh, side note: it was then that I also expressed my concern for Bakugou’s “alive” status
Evidence:
For reference, some of my favorite characters are:
Beth March (Little Women)
John Reese (Person of Interest)
Joss Carter (Person of Interest)
Leonard Snart (Arrowverse)
Logan Echolls (Veronica Mars)
Fantine (Les Mis)
Eponine (Les Mis)
Jean Valjean (Les Mis)
Simon (Lord of the Flies)
Piggy (Lord of the Flies)
Grace Stone (Manifest)
Bubaigawara Jin — Twice (BNHA)
Wanna guess which of these guys died?
Trick question! It’s all of them (:
Yeah so anyways those following chapters really made me excited and nervous cuz YEAH KICK HIS ASS BAKUGOU but also IZUKUUUUU WE NEED YOU
hah hah.
_____
August 2022
Utterly gobsmacked. Cried. Disbelief. Horrified. Confusion. Anger. Went through the five stages of grief and then some.
Sometimes I hate being right 🥲
But the good thing that came from this was that my positive view of Katsuki only grew after seeing his utter faith in Izuku (and his thoughts being on him in his final moments???? 🥺🥺🥺)
And it was at this point in time where I could admit to myself “you know what? i see it. i see the appeal. i wouldn’t mind this actually becoming canon.”
Did I think that it would actually become canon?? No.
_____
September 2022
I don’t know how I thought Izuku was gonna react to seeing Katsuki’s body on the ground, but GOOD LORD IT WASNT THAT
Even sweet little blind me realized “oh wow he like really feels intense stuff for Katsuki huh”
(But some things I missed—cuz I was still a bit wired for izu*cha—were shigarakis implications “yeah u looooove the present I got u” and the freaking HEART that blackwhip caused??? when Izuku reeled himself back in???? like how did i miss that i read that chapter like fifteen times??)
So this is all to say that I’ve missed any and all actual bkdk hints up until this point. I finally lifted my head out of the izu*cha fog when…
_____
July 2023
…Ochako and Toga had their chat about romance.
The first actual hint was when Ochako had told Toga “I’ll give you my blood for the rest of my life.”
Little blind me became a bit less blind that day, cuz I was like “um. ochako? that— that sounded kinda like a proposal. like. a marriage proposal. ochako??”
And then those chapters just kept getting better!!
Bebe Ochako’s determination???
The Spirited Away moment?????
“I’m envious of your smile”????????
“YOU REALLY THINK IM CUTE?” “THE CUTEST IN THE WHOLE WORLD” LIKE 😭😭😭😭😭
For the first time, I was looking at the manga without the assumption that izu*cha would be endgame. And it only got better after I…
_____
August 2023
…got Tumblr!!!
Everything was downhill from here folks.
In the best possible way.
I came across some analyses of what was going on with togachako, and consequently led me to some bakudeku analyses. I read them and my goodness they made so much sense.
Like not even just personality-wise!! Those metas brought in actual things Horikoshi said about wanting to go outside the norms of shounen (and about not liking the Naruto ending 💀), and compared bkdk to tropes in different works of fiction, and even discussed how bkdk made sense narratively. They properly convinced me of the ship.
And then for good measure, I reread the manga in its entirety thru a bkdk filter, and lo and behold things took on new meanings and my eyes were opened.
I totally and irrevocably shipped them! And I actually thought they had a chance at being canon!!
(And then I binged so much bkdk fanfiction omg you wouldn’t BELIEVE like I read the ones with the highest kudos first and then just picked the biggest collections I could find and read down the line
It was like being on drugs like each fic gave me more dopamine than the last I was so happy oh my god)
_____
October 2023
And then finally, the day came.
The answer to “is bakugou alive yet?” became a yes.
We screamed. We cried. We jumped for joy. We told bakugou antis to suck it. But most of all, our bkdk hearts soared to see our boys make eye contact with each other for the first time in over a year 🥹
And from that moment on, I truly began to believe that bkdk would indeed become canon.
_____
And so, this concludes my 42672288 page rant about how I came to be a bkdk shipper.
Thank you for reading, and before I go, I want to ask:
How did you guys get into bkdk?
Did you convert over from izu*cha? Or perhaps tododeku? Or maybe kiribaku? Or are you one of the few who have shipped them since the beginning??
In any case, I’m happy you’re here. And while it may have taken me a couple years, I’m happy that I’m here too :)
(and thank you @animelover32456)
#this may just be me screaming into the void#but at least it’s out there#bnha#mha#bnha spoilers#mha spoilers#bakudeku#bkdk#my bkdk journey#midoriya izuku#bakugou katsuki#my thoughts#and also I’m going to admit without admitting that I might or might not have made some ocs a mere two months after I started bnha…#and the two leads were very much bkdk coded 💀#I was going to make a next gen au and so over the course of two years I carefully crafted 20 students (names personalities and quirks)#and I had some cool villains#honestly some of my quirk ideas were awesome#maybe one day I’ll post some of them… we’ll see#but if anyone asks if I ever made any ocs NO I DIDNT#🎶song sings🎶
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Ngl I do want to go to the tour, and I *cloud* technically. But deep down I am still a little guy and would most likely have to attend with my father, plus the travel to the nearest venue. (which isn't super far, but still a long train ride, several hours plus booking a hotel for overnight.)
I simply cannot bear the idea of sitting next to my father while Dan and Phil make the most explicit gay jokes as I slowly die inside.
But i have never been to one of their tours... It is tempting...maybe I'll go and lock my dad in a hotel room lmaooo (/j)
#I will be debating bringing it up for a few months now i guess#it may sell out#please#I want to go on my own tbh#my Dad isn't homophobic#but I would rather be eaten by rats then bear the shame#I Love Dan and Phil but their humor would be hard to bear with my old man staring in bewilderment#dan and phil#dnp#daniel howell#phil lester#dan howell#dan and phil games#ruaggghhh#do i bite the bullet?#screaming into the void#are other phannies in the same boat or am I just a anxious loser who clings onto my parents legs (/hj)#*sigh*#might have to sit it out#my parents don't evdn know I watch Dnp#very chill people. but DnP are just--#well they arr unique ♡#*are#screaming#crying.#unsure
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I'm speaking as someone who had a really bad burnout a handful of years ago. You need to give your brain a break. Usually for adhd folks more asleep helps a ton with the brain fog. Adding stimulants will just have your body draw from an already empty well. If you're having trouble with rest or other forms of self-care doctors can help and so can some of the online resources out there. Supplements are wonderful too. Take care of yourself and good luck. You can do it.
thanks so much you sweet anon <3 creating my prior post actually did prompt me to call my doc about upping the wellbutrin because i'm on a low dose rn and i think i need some more mental stability at the moment. but i think you are right about the exhaustion, which increasing the adderall would probably make worse. im gonna see if the doc also has any input on how to help me sleep better because i think that's also a big factor. thank you angel 💕💕💕💕
#for some additional context: about a month ago my grandpa very suddenly lost the ability to walk#he was hospitalized and not doing well. i had to drop everything and drive a few states over because we thought he may not make it.#while i was there (staying with my parents who i don't get along great with) he was diagnosed with cancer and given between 6 months - 3 yr#to live depending on whether or not he wanted to do chemo. it was also determined he will probably never walk again.#i had to come home after a week and a half because i have to work for a living. after i got home they found nodular cirrhosis in his liver#which is causing confusion and hallucinations.#there's a lot of family baggage going on at the same time that i am trying to manage that is too personal and complex to try to explain#but trust there are a lot of mixed emotions going on for everyone and that is making everything even harder.#anyway. that's not even everything but that was kinda the kickoff event of the last few miserable weeks and ever since then stuff just kind#keeps happening and i just want to lay down.#and also scream.#sorry for mopeyposting on the silly website i promise this isn't all my blog is now but sometimes you just have to talk to the rubber ducky#you know?
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I've started playing Limbus Company and omg it's SO good!! The art is fucking fantastic, like no joke the best art I've seen in a mobile game in a LONG time!! Wtf Project Moon where did you get the money for this??
Anyway, I'm not too far in. I'm in the first dungeon. I really vibe with the characters! There's kind of a lot of them, so it's hard to have hard opinions about any of them. But I know that my favorite character is Dante!!
God Dante is PEAK character design! Before I played the game I saw a sceneshot of Dante sitting in a character and thought they were like, the final boss or some important character because their design fucks so hard. But nope!! You get to play as them!! Aren't we so luckily!!
God, their aesthetic? Amazing. The ticking click, the bright red suit, etc. I really love how gender neutral they are too! Besides using they/them pronouns they're build is also very androgynous which I appreciate!
The story is also really really good, from what I've seen so far.
The only downside or criticism I have of the game is the constant battles. There's not a good battle to story ratio, and I often end up feeling frustrated when I get like 5 lines before being thrown into another battle. I feel like the developers could have taken out half the battles and there would still be a lot. You can't even do all the battles in one go and then go back to read the story like in Obey Me. I found myself on multiple occasions stopping playing just because I got so fed up with how many battles there are.
Anyway, really like the characters! I feel like the developers kinda had a set plan and story for each character, which I really like! There's also lots of characters to choose from! My favorite so far are of course, my darling Dante. Vergilius is also so baby girl coded. Like, he's an old tired man looking after a group of rambunctious adults, how could I not love him?!? I also caught the reference to Dante's inferno, very clever.
I also really like Faust! She's amazing, adore her. And omg Outis!! You're so straight laced! I found myself liking her more and more as time goes on. She's the only one who respects Dante's "authority" and I love that. I also really like Gregor, my other baby girl. I love how he tries to be nice but it's obvious he's kinda out of practice.
I love Meursault, even though I haven't seen much of him. Idk, I just love stoic characters! (I wanna overwhelm him with pleasure. Make him cry for it.) And Don is just adorable. Like her energy. I also just love the look of Yi Sang, even though I haven't seen much of him in game yet. Idk, I think it's the tired eyes that makes me want to take care of him.
Anyway, as yall can probably tell I love a lot these characters I lot. We I get further into the game I might write some smut for them.
#i PROMISE this is still an Obey Me blog#i just think its also important to branch out a bit. i fear that i only focus on Obey Me for too long ill get burned out like last time and#leave for another 8 months. so this blog may occasionally freature other fandoms from time to time but im still always thinking of obey me#and im still always taking requests for it! just sometimes i might take requests for other fandoms!#anyway. if yall want to scream your LC thoughts into my inbox go ahead#im gonna be over here going crazy about Dante
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It's also just so incredibly frustrating because people will take any example of a (usually male) character being horrible as some sort of "proof" that they're mentally ill (which, hmm, interesting that your automatic explanation for "why do they choose to treat other people horribly" is "they have a mental illness that just Makes Them Act Like That"), but there is no kind of nuanced or critical discussion of media that ACTUALLY (for ill or for good) tries to depict mental illness, and you try to recommend media that handles it well (that might even be good for other, completely unrelated reasons!!) and people just ignore you.
#I'm going to work myself into a Full Rant™ a la the infamous '[this topic] in fiction' essay from two & a half years ago if I'm not careful#so I'm going to stop now. but I just. I want to fucking scream lmao.#honestly...once mental health awareness month hits in may I might just genuinely try my hand at making gifs#just to give stuff some fucking visibility lmao#maybe I'll try to get that 'emotional support dw lady shares my Disorder™ and here's why' fic finished (or the one about lizzie)#maybe every day is me explaining why a different character has a given mental illness according to me#maybe I'll write 3 million essays. idk. I just feel like I'm yelling into the void. I HAVE been yelling into the void for 20 years.#it gets exhausting. and tbh. also very sad.#like at this point I'm seriously considering organizing an event of some kind#but Idk if anyone would even be INTERESTED in that#because they're certainly not interested in anything regarding this topic in general!#In the Vents
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#this is really just do i wanna go high effort (making the fucking reverse bear trap) or not#alternatively do i wanna go boy mode or femme.#im leaning toward stu rn but that might be bc i just finished rewatching scream#but also. movie of all time and literally character of all time. to ME.#obvi i would do the sweater outfit. bc hello duh.#idk i may think of another option closer to i still have a month but. this is where im at now. so well see#im also considering tatum just bc her outfits are soooo cunty. literally i love her soooooo much#prsnl
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[Start ID. A green-toned drawing of two characters from an original universe, shown from the shoulders up. It's framed as though they're taking a selfie. On the left is Heathrow, a human with dark skin, long hair, a good number of facial scars, and two painted lines below each eye. He wears something akin to a green hoodie, with fluffy plant matter sewn into the back of the hood. On the right is Crassie, a half elf, which in this universe entails long pointed ears, a pair of short pale horns, a slightly rabbit-like nose and markings under her eyes. Her skin is olive-toned, sporting a couple distinct scars on her face and hand, and she's wearing what is essentially a bush and spiked glovelets. Both of them are smiling, Crassie a little bit wide-eyed and Heathrow with a fond expression. The background's a saturated green with the text "1 YEAR!". End ID]
A redraw-in-spirit of the post from last year's Feb 16 that introduced these two to my blog. It's their birthday :]
#peridots-art#heathrow chtn#crassie chtn#chtn#eye contact#peridots-ocs#i've only posted about them three times including this and every single time i manage to go 'hey did you know heath was originally meant as#a stand-in for the hunter from hk? i thought that was neat :)' so. obligatory mention of that i guess#because of their shifting nature i could never pin down the days they/their universe were created but i love an excuse to get emotional#about birthdays/anniversaries and such. so today it is then (it just turned midnight 17th in my timezone... it's the thought that counts)#this is also the first non-fullbody I've posted on Tumblr in a Really long time?? like there's the dragon from nov 5 and daud from oct 26.#looking past that i guess there were quite a few okay but three and a half months is a lot when you draw as much as i#anyway. these guys.#had a little more to say about them but i scrapped it. they're both very ace and aro and while i respect aroaces who don't want Any sort of#intimate relationship (platonic or otherwise!) they are about as far as you can get from it. a qpr sounds appropriate#the nature of their relationship defies description. friends and a little like siblings. life partners? a little like father and daughter.#they've only ever known each other. i may not think about them so often but man do i love them.#for the most part accidental but this was definitely inspired by miecz's art :] the linework was surprisingly fun to do#wasn't gonna address kit directly seeing as i don't know if it always reads these? but if you are your tags were very kind!!#i don't know anyone else who's as lengthy with it as i but i like talking in the tags! so. i'm glad they're appreciated :]#that isn't all i have to say on the subject (i'm never used to people being nice to me) but i'll save it for somewhere it will def. be seen#...idk how to describe their clothing. i designed his a year ago and hers more than that do you think they're supposed to make sense#there were a Lot of particularities with the id that made it. hard to write. this is better than nothing of course but don't know if it's#the most efficient. with that hour-to-thirty-minutes of my day over with (I AM TALKING ABOUT THE IMAGE DESCRIPTION MY ART TAKES 6 HOURS AT#ABSOLUTE BEST apologies for the screaming) i can officially say goodnight to you tag-wanderer and farewell#peridots-described
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this morning (september 27) during the daily video meeting one of my coworkers said to another that this sunday (october 1) is the start of "christmas music season" and the visceral rage-rejection that rose in my gut is indescribable
out of petty, spiteful revenge i will be changing my video background to something Very Halloween tomorrow and i will Keep It That Way for the entire rest of the year
#i NEED christmas to stop colonizing the rest of the fucking calendar#is it not grotesque enough y'all consumed the entire month of december#every year the encroachment pushes further towards End of Summer Is Christmas Now and i'm going to#rip my hair hair out and run screaming like a banshee down the street#fully planning to announce with a wide smile 'maybe if you're a christian' if someone tries to tell me#'oh but it's christmas everyone loves christmas!!'#i am just cresting the year anniversary of my employment here and so far they've only heard#my 'retail slaughtered any joy christmas ever may have had for me over the course of 8 years' reasoning
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Also sorry abt the depression posting lately guys it 10/10 will probably continue up until the 25th
#may is hard#mothers day and my moms birthday on the 25th#both of which i havent celebrated with her in 13 years#its usually already hard just cuz the circumstances#but this year is harder bc she literally locked me out at midnight bc i went to get a gram of weed and she claimed i was out doing drugs#bean almost fought her neighbors who came out screaming at us????#cops had to be called so we could get our stuff and bless the one cops soul bc he drove us 40 mins to an old homeless spot#and she tried to keep all my stuff i was legit going to sue my mom#it was a huge shitshow and thats why im at beans moms now#so it hurts bc i want to text her but im so hurt by how she treated us while there i just dont know#i didnt text her on mothers day to prove a point and i am still trying to decide on her birthday what i should do#also 6 mo since izzy#so yea fuck may#that green day song about sleeping all month but except instead of September its for may
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Month 4, day 27, decided to give Knell a Rheddig mask to see how it looks and, uh, as it turns out, I made her head too tall XD I also need to get more references for the mask, because I think I didn't a few details quite right. Namely the shape and curve of the beak and the eye motifs. But that's okay! This is a learning process, and the mask is in its own group so I can hide the whole thing without losing it lol
#the great artscapade of 2023#art#my art#forspoken oc#the cat has been screaming at me all night every night all week and I'm so so so tired y'all =_=#yesterday at work was very stressful#today was just a bad brain day because of the stress#also shark week is approaching and that makes the bad brain juices go brrrr#so I've been tired on a physical and emotional level all week and I can't wait for the weekend#which I wish would last forever#especially since my roommate wants to use Saturday to clean the living room#he'll probably insist on doing laundry too but idk if I'll be up for laundry since we still ahve to go to the laundromat#I just want to stay home and play Forspoken and pretend reality doesn't exist for... idk... a week?#a month?#until I feel better for sure but idk how long that would take#anyway yeah#hopefully the restful nap @flyingwide and @amaperson and @silentspaces gave me with that poll kicks in 💜#love y'all may you get the rest you need too! 💜💜💜#and also a nice treat and/or gift as a thanks from me to you 💜💜💜
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As AJR once said
Oh, I'm spiraling now
#atlas adventures#started as an annoyance at a stupid app for being broken for the last two years and being worse this week#turned into “i need meds again” to “i can't even get into a doctor because my mom's availability conflicts with most doctor's hours”#like i have a standing appointment every friday at 2 which is not able to be moved due to my therapist's availability#and my mom only has fridays and saturdays off starting this week#and every doctor's office that ISN'T a complete shitshow is minimum 45 minutes away so i can't go on fridays unless it's early as FUCK#i'm actually about to start screaming and sobbing. i can't fucking do this anymore#the nurse at my therapy office told me she'd contact me roughly around this week to see if i can get in with their main psychiatrist#since the np was a fucking SHITSHOW (i've posted about it before. it was BAD)#and i haven't heard back and i'm going on two months 100% unmedicated. hormonal AND psychotropic#i'm actually losing my fucking mind#i'm becoming morr manic than i've been in probably a few YEARS#it's just all internal doom spiraling so my mom hasn't noticed that “hey my child is about to fucking SNAP”#“maybe i should call that doctor i promised to call in MAY because my child can't get in with their old quack gp anymore”#i still need to call the hospital i saw the quack endo at to see if they take my new insurance and if they have any other endos there#because i do better mentally on hormone meds than on psychotropic apparently. didn't expect that but whatever#main problem with the hormonal correction meds is that it makes me dysohoric as fuck. but when am i NOT dysphoric anymore#everything else is better mentally with my hormonal. the mania (that i didn't even process as hypomania until recently tbh) the depression#i need at LEAST my fucking hormonals before i lose my fucking SHIT#none of this is normal none of this is normal
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