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thewadapan · 1 month ago

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So why did Transformers One bomb?

Look, I'm just going to say it right off the bat: no, Transformers One is not the best Transformers movie of all time. I am (gritting my teeth) very happy for every single Transformers fan except me, who all seem to have liked it, and most of whom seem to have loved it. I agree that, as a production, it meets some baseline level of technical competence. It's a perfectly fine movie.

It's also the worst-performing Transformers movie Paramount has ever made.

Hopefully, now that its theatrical run has unceremoniously ended, people aren't going to try to rip me to shreds for theoretically threatening this multi-million-dollar film's box office revenue some miniscule amount by sharing a few teensy weensy complaints with my fifty followers.

Because I do just have a few little nitpicks, which I've tried my best to communicate, over the next 17,000 words of this post.

If you're not a Transformers fan, sorry, this essay is mostly written with the assumption that you've seen Transformers One. However, it might still be of some interest as a window into the current state of the franchise. I've written a basic plot summary of the movie to bring you up to speed, in that case. Because Transformers One purports to be the perfect introduction to the story, no homework needed, I've also done you the courtesy of elucidating background context as needed—think of this less as a review, and more as a history lesson, or maybe a "lore explained" YouTube video. After all, that's pretty much all that Transformers One is.

(And if farcically long posts aren't really your thing, you might prefer to listen to the special episode of Our Worlds are in Danger where my pals and I chatted about the film. Many of the hottest takes and silliest bits in this essay are shamelessly stolen from Jo and Umar.)

We've been waiting for Transformers One for a very long time. It's the first animated Transformers film to get a theatrical release since The Transformers: The Movie came out in 1986. It first entered development around a decade ago. Many fandom members I know online got to see it as far back as June. Its US premiere was in September; those of us in the UK had to wait a full extra month before seeing it, for no clear reason. This is a film which purports to show, in broad strokes, for the first time on the big screen, the origin of the Transformers: where they come from, who they are, and why they're fighting.

By the end of its runtime, Transformers One does not actually answer these questions. Don't get me wrong, it takes great pains trying to answer a lot of different, related questions—just ones which nobody was really asking in the first place: What does the word "Autobots" mean, if not "automobile robots"? What does the word "Decepticons" mean, if they're not actually deceitful? Why is he called "Optimus Prime"? Why is he called "Megatron"? If they were friends, why did they fall out? Why does Starscream sound Like That? Where does Energon come from? If "Prime" is a title, what were the other Primes like? How do Transformers transform?

Writer Eric Pearson, coming onto the project as an outsider to Transformers, describes having to go to Hasbro to ask these kinds of questions:

they had a script that outlined the story that they wanted to tell. I knew Optimus Prime and Megatron and I knew Bumblebee as well, or B. I had to ask about some of the other deeper ones, the mythology, “what exactly is the Matrix of Leadership?” Stuff like that.

See, Hasbro does in fact have the answers written down somewhere. The story as I understand it goes something like this. During the wild west of the '80s and '90s, Transformers "canon" was largely a by-the-seat-of-your-pants consensus-based affair between the freelance writers and copywriters the toy company would bring on to advertise their toys. That changed around the turn of the millennium, when late later-CEO Brian Goldner saw how Hasbro's licensed IP lines (such as Star Wars) were more financially successful and realised they could make more money by aggressively promoting their own in-house IP, which they didn't have to pay licensing fees for. (For the curious, a similar thought process at rival toy company Lego was what led to their creation of BIONICLE.)

The guy basically singlehandedly managing the Transformers brand at the time, Aaron Archer, eventually set to reconciling all the self-contradictory lore surrounding Transformers, an endeavour which dovetailed into the creation of the HasLab internal think-tank (best known for Battleship, the 2012 store-brand Michael Bay knockoff which was a failure critically and commercially but not in my heart) and ultimately the creation of the so-called "Binder of Revelation", an internal story bible which cost over $250,000 to produce and has strongly influenced nigh on every piece of Transformers media released since, but which we hadn't actually seen until it got leaked a week ago. As it turns out, the document itself (compiled mostly by marketers and toy designers) is patently useless to any writer: it's a typo-ridden internally-inconsistent wishy-washy mess that mostly describes the characters in terms of a made-up form of Transformers astrology that has otherwise never seen the light of day.

So although the Binder is the baseline story bible for most modern Transformers media, its influence isn't direct per se; it's more accurate to describe it as being an elaborate game of telephone between high-profile cartoons, comics, and other internal documents, with the Binder itself apparently just sitting in a drawer somewhere at Hasbro; Eric Pearson says that he never received a "binder", with the "script" he mentions either being the earlier draft from Andrew Barrer and Gabriel Ferrari (the guys who originally pitched the story), or some other unseen internal document. Director Josh Cooley, however, definitely seems to have been physically handed the Binder or its mass-market adaptation:

I knew that there was a lot of origin to be told, and when I first started, [Hasbro] gave me the Transformers Bible. I could not believe how big it was. I was like, "This is way more than I ever anticipated."

When trailers first dropped for Transformers One, a lot of my friends who are savvy were immediately like: "Oh, this is a weirdly faithful adaptation of the Binder of Revelation, huh."

I. The One True Origin of the Transformers

Half of the people reading this are Transformers fans, and half of you literally could not give less of a shit about Transformers, so if you're in the 'former group (so to speak), you'll just have to bear with me while I bring the rest of us up to speed.

Before the Transformers' civil war begins, Cybertron is being oppressed by the Quintessons. The Quintessons are a race of five-faced aliens (as in, not Transformers), who execute everyone they come across, first introduced in The Transformers: The Movie, presiding over a kangaroo court on a castaway world. In the followup cartoon five-parter "Five Faces of Darkness", writer Flint Dille established that, gasp, they were actually the original creators of the Transformers! But basically nobody else at the time was particularly compelled by this idea, it seems, with most fans preferring the more mythological origin story conceived by Bri'ish writer Simon Furman for the Marvel comics. I think people kind of just didn't like to think of the Transformers as being robots—mass-produced, a fabrication, programmed—as opposed to an alien race of thinking, feeling beings like us. But because the cartoon was important to many kids, a lot of early-2000s media tried to reconcile the cartoon and comic origin stories by stating that the Quintessons didn't actually create the Transformers; rather, they simply colonised the planet early in its history and pretended to be the Transformers' creators, until the truth came out and they got kicked offworld. This is how the Binder of Revelation ultimately paid lip service to the Quintessons. In Transformers One, the Quintessons are just sort of here, they're these evil aliens secretly skimming Energon from its miners, they don't speak English (or whichever language the film was dubbed into in your market region), they're just these nasty societal parasites.

Energon is Transformers fuel. In the original cartoon, it was these glowing pink cubes the Decepticons were always trying to produce using harebrained Saturday-morning-cartoon energy-stealing devices. There was a Cold War going on, America had just been through an "energy crisis", maybe you're old enough to remember any of that. Transformers are these big, complicated machines, so I guess the idea is they need this hyper-compressed superfuel to run off, and their homeworld has run out. By the time of the Binder of Revelation, the concept had been telephoned to the point where Energon is like the lifeblood of Primus or some shit.

Primus is the Transformers God—but not the kind of God you have "faith" in, rather this actual guy whose existence is objectively known in various ways. He transforms into a planet, that's kind of cool, right? Where does Primus come from? Look, it doesn't matter, he's like, the God of Creation, he was there at the start of time. He created all of the Transformers. All the other species in the galaxy, though, they evolved naturally thanks to "science". Actually wait, didn't that Quintus Prime guy go around the universe seeding all the planets with different kinds of Cybertronian life? That's why they're called Quintessons. See, now you know. Who's Quintus Prime?

Okay, so the Thirteen Original Transformers, or the Primes, are the thirteen original Transformers created by Primus. Most of them correspond to different kinds of Transformer: Nexus Prime is the god of Transformers who can combine, Onyx Prime is the god of Transformers who turn into animals, Micronus Prime is the god of Transformers who are small, and Solus Prime is the god of Transformers who are women. You might remember the Primes from Revenge of the Fallen, although there were only seven of them there for whatever reason.

Honestly, The Fallen was the only one who mattered for a long time. The whole reason there's thirteen of them is because thirteen is kind of an unlucky number, right? Twelve would've been fine. But throw in a thirteenth guy, and he betrays everyone, he's this fucked up evil guy. In the Binder of Revelation, though, the Thirteenth Prime is his own special guy shrouded in mystery, because they kind of liked the idea that Optimus Prime would secretly turn out to have been the Thirteenth Prime all along, and he just forgot or something, because that means he has the divine right of Primes. In IDW's 2010s comic-book reboot, the Thirteenth Prime was called "The Arisen"—in reference to that one line in The Transformers: The Movie, "Arise, Rodimus Prime!" (this margin is too narrow to explain who Rodimus Prime is). Towards the end of his run, writer John Barber did some actually interesting stuff with the concept, playing with the ambiguity over whether-or-not Optimus Prime was actually the chosen one.

All of Optimus Prime's immediate predecessors as Autobot leaders, Sentinel Prime, Zeta Prime, the lineage seen in "Five Faces of Darkness"... they're all false Primes. They're Primes in name only. In fact, IDW had a whole procession of these cartoonishly evil dictators thanks to a few continuity errors leading to the addition of a couple of extra narratively-redundant fuckers. Transformers One tries to simplify it slightly by just saying that Zeta Prime was one of the Primes for real—occupying that thirteenth "free space"—and it was just Sentinel Prime who was only a normal Transformer pretending to be a Prime, then Optimus Prime who's a real boy.

But if he's not a Prime from the start, Optimus Prime needs another name in the meantime. In the '80s cartoon episode "War Dawn", before he was called Optimus Prime, he was called "Orion Pax". Have you noticed that Optimus Prime is kind of an odd-one-out amongst all the straightup-English-word names like "Bumblebee" and "Ratchet" and "Jazz"? That's because his name was one of a tiny handful from very early in the franchise's development, before writer Bob Budiansky came onboard and came up with identities for the vast majority of the toys. Practically everyone Bob Budiansky named is called like, "Bolts" or some shit, long before the characters even know of Earth, which has always just been a contrivance of the setting you're not supposed to think about.

Presumably to create a parallel with Orion Pax's transformation into Optimus Prime, someone at Hasbro in the 2010s came up with a new name for the bot who would become Megatron: "D-16". In real-world terms, this was nothing more than a dorky reference to the Megatron toy's original Japanese release being number 16 in the line ("D" stands for "Destron", which is what they call Decepticons in Japan). But in-universe, the name "D-16" was drawn from the sector of the mine where he worked. I don't get the impression it was originally intended to be part of a broader pattern.

Which is why I'm baffled as to what the hell the reasoning was behind Bumblebee's pre-Earth name, "B-127". There's this bizarre situation in the Bumblebee film, where the name "B-127" first cropped up, where literally every other bot gets a normal cool name with personality like "Cliffjumper" or "Dropkick" except for Bumblebee, who is stuck with this clunky sci-fi name until he makes friends with a human teenager on Earth and she gives him the name Bumblebee. I guess I don't find it confusing that the writers would (correctly) realise it's a bit weird for Bumblebee to be called Bumblebee on an alien planet where bumblebees don't exist. What I find confusing is that they didn't extend that logic to any other character.

So despite everything else in the franchise's direction pointing away from "robot" and towards "alien", Transformers One ends up with this ridiculous situation where two of the most important guys are, for practically the whole movie, simply referred to as "Dee" and "Bee", I guess because the writers correctly realised the numbers sound fucking stupid.

And if you squint, "Elita-1" sorta fits this naming scheme. But the great irony of it is that the very same cartoon episode which coined "Orion Pax" simultaneously established that Elita-1 also used to go by a different name: "Ariel"! Like the Little Mermaid. Y'know, because an "aerial" is a type of electrical component- oh, forget it.

By the time the script made it into Eric Pearson's hands, it's obvious that he simply was not thinking about it that deeply. He describes the genesis of a scene where Bumblebee introduces his imaginary friends, "A-atron, EP 5-0-8, and Steve." A-atron was impov'd by Keegan-Michael Key as a reference to one of his own skits on Key & Peele. Steve ("He's foreign.") was literally just because Pearson thought it would be funny. It's true that Steve is an inherently funny name, and I guess if you're struggling to come up with jokes of your own, it can be handy to fall back on something which is inherently funny.

And again, our silly answers to these silly questions beget yet more questions. If he started out as "D-16", then where did the name "Megatron" come from? And if all the Primes have epic made-up fantasy names, then surely that one guy can't just be called "The Fallen", right? That's not a name, that's an epithet. Unfortunately, someone at Hasbro had the bright idea to answer both these questions at once: The Fallen's real name was "Megatronus". Later, for consistency, they threw on the title, and we get "Megatronus Prime", which sounds like what a thirteen-year-old on deviantART in 2014 would call their Steven Universe fusion of Megatron and Optimus Prime. So you see, Megatron actually named himself after Megatronus Prime, famously the most evil of the Primes. In Transformers One, this is changed slightly so Megatronus is merely the strongest of the Primes, as part of its overall effort to make Megatron not look completely insane.

Which, it must be said, is a tall order. Better stories have tried and failed. Back in 2007, Scottish writer Eric Holmes came up with Megatron Origin, a perfectly-fine comic miniseries which drew heavily from the miners' strikes that took place in the UK from 1984-1985, coinciding with the inception of the Transformers franchise. In that comic, Megatron is a lowly miner who, through a series of chance events, winds up at the head of a dangerous political revolutionary movement.

For some reason—I guess because nobody had ever tried to make Megatron anything other than a bloodthirsty cackling madman before—this take on Megatron as a guy who rose up against a corrupt system became the defining interpretation of the character, copy/pasted pretty much wholesale into the Binder of Revelation. Orion Pax also opposes the system, and bonds with Megatron over it, but they disagree on how to fix it: Pax believes in peaceful reform, Megatron just loves to kill. In Transformers One, the problem everyone has with Megatron is basically "whoa, this guy's a little TOO angry!" and there's a point towards the end of the film where Megatron suddenly starts jonesing to kill literally anyone who stands in his way, because he's irrationally angry.

The core problem here—and it's kind of the Magneto problem, the Killmonger problem, whatever better-known example you care to insert here—is that these guys all fundamentally exist just to be a big villain who loves to kill people and who ultimately gets defeated, but the kids who grew up on this stuff in the '80s are now adults who are no longer satisfied with cardboard cutout villains. People like a complex villain, they like a villain who has a point. They like to root for both sides. And in fact, it's easier to sell more toys to people who are rooting for both sides, if your villain is just another kind of hero. But you don't really need to take the same effort with the good guys: they're good by design, righteous by nature. They don't need to stand for something, they just need to stand against the guy whose whole thing is that he loves to kill people.

But again, we're starting from a place where the evil faction—who half the planet will ultimately align themselves with—are literally called "Decepticons". It's a name you'd only ever call yourself ironically, maybe reclaiming it from your enemies. In this film, there's some tortured logic that implies they're called Decepticons because they were deceived by Sentinel Prime. Like if you met a gang of guys who call themselves "The Robbers", but it turns out to be because they got robbed one time, and they actually have zero intention of stealing from anyone.

The Autobots are easier, of course. "Auto" is a prefix that just means, like, the self, or whatever. And the most agreeably American ideal of all is selfishness the power of the individual, the freedom to seize one's own destiny. Prime's original '80s motto, "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings," is bastardised in Transformers One into the slightly less rolls-out-off-the-tongue "Freedom and autonomy are the rights of all sentient beings," because (I can only assume) they forgot to work the word "autonomy" earlier into the script. If they ever greenlit Transformers Three, I suppose the motto would have ended up as something like "Freedom, autonomy, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope are the rights of all sentient beings." Even though bodily autonomy is one of the most salient motifs present in the film—all but referred to by name—I suppose the filmmakers were worried that you might think, when Prime says "freedom", that he actually means something completely different. So now you see! "Autobots" is actually the descriptive name of a political movement which believes in obviously good things. Like "Moms for Liberty".

Okay, so the cannier among you have probably spotted the mean rhetorical trick I'm pulling with this encyclopedia-entry-ass introduction. By sarcastically relitigating all the storytelling choices I dislike from the last 20 years of Transformers lore, I can build up a negative association with Transformers One without even reviewing the movie itself! On a subtextual level, I'm deliberately misattributing these bad ideas to the filmmakers, conveniently ignoring the mountains of evidence to suggest that they were just trying to make the best of whatever Hasbro handed them from on high. If anything—you might think—the filmmakers deserve even more credit, for spinning this shite into something even remotely good on the big screen.

Like, you'd be wrong, but I can see why you might think that.

II. The Spider-Verse of Transformers

Okay, I can see that I've spat in your soup. I'm sorry. There are lots of good bits in Transformers One. I can even think of one or two of them off the top of my head, without really racking my brains.

Maybe halfway through the film, there is one specific moment where the story suddenly promises to get good. You can pinpoint it down to the word, down to the frame even. Our heroes have just discovered that their planet's leader, Sentinel Prime, is a complete fraud who's been secretly exploiting them ever since they were born—and worse, castrated them by removing their transformation cogs. They are all very cross about this. Orion Pax expresses that he wants to come up with a plan to expose Sentinel Prime. Megatron is too angry to listen. Orion Pax asks, "Don't you want to stop him?" And Megatron replies, "No, I want to KILL him!" And there's like, a little tint of red creeping into the glow of his eyes.

Whoa. Chills. Up to this point in the film, Megatron has been kind of surly at times, but he's otherwise a generic kids' movie protagonist. He's often chipper. He makes quips. He has this banter with Orion Pax where he's always complaining. It's literally that one "Optimist Prime"/"Negatron" comic, committed to film. Like I'm not even being facetious, one of the film's few obligatory "emotional moments" has Elita-1 sit Orion Pax down and say, "You know what I love about you? You always see the bright side. Like you're some kind of OPTIMIST or something." And then later completely unrelatedly God gives him the mandate of heaven and says "ARISE, OPTIMUS PRIME!" Y'see, as originally conceived, "Optimus" is the word "Optimum" if it was a name, which is why people sometimes localise his name as "Best #1". But it's genuinely kind of cute to reverse-engineer the etymology as coming from "optimist", I guess. Like, it's stupid, but it's cute.

Argh, I got distracted with naming minutia again! Entirely my bad. That's the last time, I promise. Where was I? Right, we'd just found out that Megatron is kind of scary. Brian Tyree Henry's line delivery as he growls "KILL" is his crowning achievement in this film.

Where Optimus Prime's character arc in this movie sees him change from a funny, rebellious spirit to a complete personality vacuum, Megatron's character arc is kind of the opposite. When we're first introduced to him, it's weirdly hard to get a handle on who he is. He's a fanboy for Megatronus, the strongest and most morally-unremarkable of the Primes. He looks up to Sentinel Prime. He likes sports. He doesn't like breaking the rules. In fact, we get the sense that, were it not for his friendship with Orion Pax, he would be literally indistinguishable from the legion of silent crowd-filling background characters he works with. But the moment he starts to become Megatron, it's like everything starts to click. Gears catch, where once they ground and idled. There is something in this guy that was made to fight, made to kill, made to rule. It's sick.

And the underlying tension in his friendship with Optimus suddenly snaps into focus. Megatron is mad at Sentinel Prime, but Sentinel Prime isn't there, he's somewhere else, far below... and he can't help but turn that anger on the next closest thing to an authority figure he has in his life, which is his peer-pressuring bestie, Orion Pax. There is a part of Megatron that wishes he'd never learned the truth, and he blames Orion Pax for his cursed knowledge, for constantly leading them into predicaments on his stupid flights of fancy. Now that he knows, he can't go back to how he was. He can't stop thinking about it.

I'll be honest, it rules. Obviously it rules. It's complicated and toxic and darker than this movie was marketed to be. In interview, Josh Cooley describes the draft of the script he was presented with when he joined the project as having been far more jokey, light-hearted, glib—and it seems we can credit him for saying "Look, this ain't right, the minute the credits roll these guys are going to be at civil war for millions of years."

So, they started talking about it in — what did you say, 2015? I came on board in 2020, and when I came on board there was the first draft of the script. So I don't think they'd been working on it that entire time, but they'd been thinking about it, for sure. And the script that I read was a little more comical? But it was clear that that wasn't the right tone for this film specifically, because we know there's gonna be a war, civil war on Cybertron, you can't have everybody making jokes and then all of a sudden there's a war. So, um, the stakes were really important for this film. And because our characters at the beginning are a little naive, and just on the younger side, not as experienced, it allowed more freedom for them to be a little looser and have fun really getting to know these characters. But once they realize something's going on and things are getting real, it needs to get real.

Cooley also describes his "in" on the film as being the brotherly relationship between Optimus Prime and Megatron (they're not literally brothers in this film, though they have been in the past), which perhaps explains why Megatron and Optimus Prime get to be characters, instead of just like, guys who are there.

That was always the goal from the beginning and what got me on board. It was this relationship between these two characters that was very human and brotherly. I thought about my relationship with my brother and how I could bring that in. It’s not like we’re enemies, but we grew up together and then went down our different paths, but we’re still brotherly. I became a writer-director and live in a fantasy land, and he became a homicide detective who deals with reality, so we’re two very different mindsets. I have always been fascinated by the idea of two people who come from the same place but end up in different ones. From the very beginning, I was like, ‘That’s something I can relate to.’

Anyway, things I liked, what else. There's that joke at the very start, after the excruciating lore powerpoint, where Orion Pax does a fake-out like he's going to transform, the music briefly swells, and then it just cuts to him legging it down the corridor. In a similar vein, I liked the idea behind the Iacon 5000, where Orion Pax has them run in the race. I felt like the execution of the race left a bit to be desired—the only other participant who matters is Darkwing—but it's still honestly the best big action setpiece in the film. There's also that bit at the end where Megatron and Optimus Prime are both changing into their final forms simultaneously, and it's basically a Homestuck Flash (what would that be, "[S] OPTIMUS PRIME. ARISE."?), so obviously I liked that. Oh, and I really liked the environment design where the planet's landscape is constantly transforming, that's brand-new, someone had an Idea there, and it creates visual interest during the initial Energon-mining scene... even if I wished it had actually paid off in a more meaningful way than "the planet's crust opens as Prime falls to get the Matrix"—like, someone really should've gotten eaten by the planet, that's a cracking Disney death scene and they left it on the table! I also liked getting to see my blorbo, Vector Prime, on the big screen.

I think, as a Transformers fan who's had to sit through a lot of really quite sexist, racist, and plain bad films, you're well within your rights to come out of this one ready to give it a fucking Oscar. You should be ecstatic! It has none of those pesky humans clogging up the frame. It has plenty of robot action. It has jokes which- well I struggle to call many of them "funny", but they're at least trying to be funny in a different way to Michael Bay's films. The film is obviously a massive love letter to... honestly every part of Transformers except the live-action movies. It is an incredibly faithful and earnest adaptation of all the lore and iconography that has randomly accumulated the way it has over the last forty years of bullshit.

My main point of contention, then, is with the overriding sentiment I'm seeing from pretty much everyone else in the fandom: that this is not just the best Transformers movie, but that it's a great animated movie period, that it does for Transformers what Into the Spider-Verse did for Spider-Man, what The Last Wish did for Puss in Boots, and what Mutant Mayhem did for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That, in effect, this film will make you "get it". That it's better-looking, better-written, and more meaningful than a silly toy commercial has any right to be.

I think you can definitely see some loose influence from Spider-Verse in the overall look of the film—particularly in its color grading, and in the design of its main setting, the underground city of Iacon, where the upside-down skyscrapers hanging from the ceiling evoke the iconic "falling upwards" shot from Spider-Verse. Like The Last Wish, it's an animated franchise film that spent much longer than you'd think in development, only for the release of Into the Spider-Verse to have an immediate impact on its visual style... without actually affecting the basic story to the same extent. Both Transformers One and The Last Wish, in many ways, feel like stories concocted using an older formula; in particular, Transformers One bears startling similarities to a similar toy-franchise-prequel, BIONICLE 2: Legends of Metru Nui, which was released twenty years ago! By contrast, Mutant Mayhem—which had a much shorter development period—is a direct reaction to Spider-Verse in both aesthetic and narrative, and it has a much more distinctive creative direction as a result.

If you look at how all these titles have performed in cinemas, I think you can make a pretty strong case that audiences are perfectly willing to go out and see this kind of flick. A glance at Wikipedia tells me that Mutant Mayhem, The Bad Guys, and The Last Wish grossed double, triple, and quadruple their budgets respectively. In terms of the pre-existing cultural cachet they were banking on, we're talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a children's book series I'd never heard of, and fucking Puss in Boots. You cannot tell me that Transformers, as a brand, is on the same level as any of these properties. Meanwhile, Transformers One hardly broke even, while The Wild Robot—another DreamWorks film based on a children's book I've never heard of, which it ended up competing with in theatres—grosses three times its budget. My friends who've seen The Wild Robot say it made them cry.

Face it: Transformers One has not lit the world on fire. I've seen a lot of people cope with this by suggesting that it's to do with the film's staggered release, or even by claiming that the film's marketing was somehow misleading. I'll be honest, upon seeing it, it did not strike me as being at all dissimilar to the trailers. You can maybe say that the trailers undersold the depth of Orion Pax's and Megatron's relationship—which is its best aspect—but honestly, I think if they'd taken a lot of those scenes out of context and put them in early teasers, audiences would've laughed it out of theatres. Like, c'mon, it's toy robots, stop pretending it's Shakespeare. And otherwise, what you see is what you get; it's exactly what it says on the tin.

I wonder how many Transformers fans, on some level, have noticed that even when we're supposedly "eating good", and watching "peak cinema", our films just aren't as good as everyone else's. They're something you'll enjoy if you're already highly predisposed to enjoy them. But otherwise, they're not turning heads. They're not as funny, or as heartfelt, or as complex, or as exciting, or as charming, or as memorable, or as beautiful as these other films. Unlike with Spider-Verse, there's no word-of-mouth amongst normal people to say that this is a film worth seeing.

What I perceive in studios hoping to recreate the flash-in-the-pan success of Spider-Verse is a misunderstanding of what made people go crazy for that movie in the first place. Yes, it changed our conception of what an 3D-animated film could look like. Yes, the multiverse is very cool and all that. Yes, it had a huge IP attached to it. But on a more fundamental level, that movie has a fantastic story underpinning it. The script is razor-sharp. The story is beautifully complex. The vision of New York City it presents is a living, breathing place, populated by real people. It has the kind of craft to it that can only come from truly obsessive creators cultivating an absolutely miserable professional environment for a legion of passionate animators.

In interview, Transformers producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura actually spoke surprisingly candidly about his view on crunch:

I probably shouldn't answer this question, because I'm not exactly PC on my answer. I think the nature of filmmaking is, we're really lucky to work in a business that's about passion. Passion doesn't fit really well into a timeline, so inevitably you come to a crunch time. It's just true in the live action, it's true in every movie, and authors always tell me that about when they're writing their books — it's the same thing happens to them! There's something about the creative process that's not — it's unruly. So, I think if you're enjoying it, you need to recognize that. Like, you know, I don't wanna abuse anybody, and y'know — if you get into that period where people have to really work too hard, you gotta help them in that situation, then. 'Cause it's gonna come. It does on every movie. I've never seen it not come, no matter how well you plan, et cetera. 'Cause it's not a science what we're doing at all, and there's all these discoveries that happen near the end, which makes you go "oh, let's do some more, come on!". We discovered that on this movie, where we're calling ILM going "we've got a few ideas, you know, do you have enough man-hours?". [...] Like, you gotta be conscious of it — in live-action, for instance, there are some studios that are so cheap that when you're on — sort of medium location-distance and you're shooting 'til midnight, they don't pay for a hotel room. It's like, well, no-no-no, you pay for a hotel room. You protect the people.

According to everyone who worked on Transformers One, everyone who worked on Transformers One was very passionate about it. But there are parts of this film where I think you can say, pretty objectively, that it's falling short of its intended effect. So I guess maybe they weren't that passionate. I'm not saying that to be mean! It's just... isn't that better than the alternative—that this was the best they could do?

III. I did not care for The Godfather

At one point in the film, the gang's magic map leads them to a scary cave, which looks like this:

Bumblebee fills the dead air by saying, "A cave, with teeth. Nothing scary about that!" The joke here is that this is a cave that looks like a mouth. But as depicted, it's a cave that looks like a mouth that doesn't look like a cave! I get that this is an alien planet, but stalactites don't grow that way on Earth, so when you see the cave onscreen, your gut reaction isn't "oh my, what a frightening cave!". No, this is a cave that makes you say, "that's not a cave, that's some kind of alien monster".

(It's not like "cave turns out to be a monster" would in any way be a fresh twist. In BIONICLE 2: Legends of Metru Nui, there's a bit where a character swims into a scary cave, and it turns out to be the mouth of a massive sea serpent. In The Empire Strikes Back, the Millennium Falcon briefly hides in an asteroid tunnel which turns out to be a giant space worm. So I'm definitely not saying Transformers One would've been a better film if it had used this stock trope.)

Then once the heroes go inside, we're whisked off to an entirely different set of concept artwork, for this lush organic underground paradise. There's no danger there. The cave itself is reduced to a strange little footnote. Maybe it's only in the story because a concept artist drew it before they'd worked out the finer points of the narrative, and Keegan-Michael Key just ended up ad-libbing the "teeth!" line when he was told to vamp for a few seconds. Or maybe the teeth gag was fully written into the script from the start, and the environment artists just interpreted it way too literally.

Like, I'm sorry, I don't mean to start off on the wrong foot here by harping on about the cave thing—it's not a perfect example anyway—but to me it's a microcosm for my frustration towards what I perceive to be a lack of creative vision in this film. So much of the film feels like it's not there to be entertaining, or meaningful, or narratively load-bearing... it's just obligatory, something they threw in for the sake of having anything at all. It's colors and sounds. When you see the spiky shape onscreen, you think, "ooh, this film was pretty bouba earlier, but now it's more kiki!" They get the comedian to improvise a few one-liners while the characters walk from place to place. And it's like, yes, this is a film for children. Of course the heroes have an adventure map with a big red X on it. In many respects this is a glorified episode of Pocoyo, or the modern equivalent, which I guess is "Baby Shark | Animal Songs For Children".

Nowhere is this sense of "we are obliged to put this in the movie" felt more strongly than in its supporting cast. When you look closely, you notice that Bumblebee and Elita-1—placed prominently in the film's marketing and being technically present for much of its runtime—don't actually do anything of narrative significance. They don't make choices that impact the story; they're just there, and it would not take much rewriting to excise them entirely, so it's just Orion Pax and Megatron on their little adventure. In fact, I'll just come out and say it: I think Transformers One would have been a better movie if Bumblebee and Elita-1 were not in it.

It helps that, from a Doylist perspective, the motivations for their inclusion are perfectly transparent. Firstly, think of the merchandise! Secondly, in Bumblebee's case, it's fucking Bumblebee, he's the whole reason half the kids will be watching, you can't not have him in there. Whenever Bumblebee's not onscreen, all the other characters should be asking, "where's Bumblebee?" Also, I think the creative team felt that they could use Bumblebee tactically to balance some of the darkness in the story.

In the G1 cartoon, Bumblebee just has the default Autobot personality—good-natured, a little sarcastic—with the dial turned a little more towards friendliness. There's this iconic anecdote from the production that cartoon, where writer David Wise found himself in exactly the same situation Transformers writers are finding themselves in forty years later: he was told to write a story about something called "Vector Sigma", and he had no fucking clue what Vector Sigma was supposed to be. So he asked story editor Bryce Malek, who also had no fucking idea. Malek in turn asked Hasbro, and was told that Vector Sigma was "the computer that gave all the Transformers personalities". Upon hearing this, Malek said, "Well, it didn't do a very good job, did it!" Vector Sigma, in case you missed it, does actually appear in Transformers One, as the polygonal shape that transitions into the Matrix of Leadership in the opening powerpoint; I guess they're one and the same now. Some things never change: in Michael Bay's Transformers movies, there is again just a single default personality that every single Autobot shares, a braggadacious action-hero facade over genuine bloodthirst. Who can forget that iconic moment in Revenge of the Fallen where Bumblebee rips out Ravage's spine in grisly slow-mo?

Aside from the fact that he's small and yellow, Bumblebee in Transformers One bears very little resemblance to any incarnation of the character kids might be accustomed to. Instead, he occupies a stock comic-relief archetype, he's a zany guy who goes "Well, that just happened!" If anything, his one joke in the third act—wanton murder—reads like it could maybe be a reference to his many Mortal Kombat fatalities in Bay's films. Beginning in 2007's Transformers Animated, Bumblebee has sometimes possessed deployable "stingers" that flip out from his hands, as a fun action feature for toys. Clearly someone on Transformers One saw this and thought it was the funniest fucking thing that Bumblebee has "knife hands", because the character spends the third act of the movie just shouting "knife hands!" and cutting people in half like a medieval terror.

(In the UK, Bumblebee's lines were re-recorded at the last minute so he says "sword hands" instead. This is because in the UK, we generally aren't able to kill each other using guns, so it's knives that are the big armed-violence boogeyman. Everyone's always talking about how all the kids have knives. And look, I'm not someone to indulge in moral panic, but genuinely, when I look at Bumblebee chasing around people with knives, saying, "I'm gonna cut these guys, watch!", I'm like... what the fuck were they thinking when they wrote that?)

Frankly, whatever is going on with Bumblebee is just an entirely different movie to everything else that's happening. When Bee shanks his twelfth nameless lackey in a row, the movie's like, awww, you're sweet! But when Megatron tries to kill the one (1) evil dictator who's just fucking branded him, who's still lying to his face while his people continue to die to the guy's fuckin' honor guard, Optimus Prime is like, HELLO, HUMAN RESOURCES?

Bumblebee is solely here to be funny, but there's a point in the film where it needs to become a war story, and the best they can think to do with Bumblebee is to have him kill people but in like, a funny way.

As for Elita-1... look, to put it very bluntly, she is in this movie to be a woman. Transformers has had a long, long forty-year history of boys'-club exclusionism, if not outright misogyny, and each new series usually has a token female character, as a kind of fig-leaf for the fact that really, the only fucking thing Hasbro cares about is that the boys are buying the toys. Beginning in the 1986 movie, it was Arcee who got to be "the pink one" for many years of fiction—but not toys, y'see, when parents want to buy something for their beloved young lad, they don't buy "the pink one", no sir. In the 2010s, wow-cool-OC Windblade took over for a stint as leading lady, decked out in a commercially-non-threatening red color scheme. Recently, though, it's been Elita-1—Optimus Prime's girlfriend from the original '80s cartoon—who's been the go-to female character, and she's increasingly allowed to be pink.

There is a lot of love for these characters amongst creatives and fans alike, and especially in the last decade, female Transformers have been both more numerous and better-written than ever. Unfortunately Transformers One, which depicts Elita-1 as an arms-crossing career-obsessed buzzkill, whose arc sees her learn her place in deference to a less-competent man... well let's just say it struck me as a significant step back in this regard.

There's this great interview with Scarlett Johansson, voice of Elita-1, where she's trying to describe what makes her character interesting, and it's like she's drawing blood from a stone. She's like, "yeah, so Elita-1, I would say, she's on her own journey, because at the start of the film it's sort of like she's working at a big company, you know, and she wants to get a promotion, but then later on she learns that she can't, y'know, get a promotion". Look, it's not that Scarlett Johansson does a bad job—in fact, considering the material she's working with, she practically carries Elita-1 entirely on the back of her performance—it's just that I can't shake the impression that the filmmakers would rather pay Scarlett Johansson god knows how many thousands of dollars than try to think of a second actress that they know of.

As I've already complained, Transformers One has a pretty thin cast, but it effectively only has two other female characters who do anything. Airachnid is a secondary antagonist, Sentinel Prime's spymaster/enforcer, and it's clear that some concept artist really fucking popped off when designing her. She has eyes in the back of her head, and it's ten times creepier than that makes it sound. Her spiderlegs also create some visual interest during fight scenes. As a character, Airachnid has zero internality and is not interesting, but she is cool, so you'll get no complaints from me there.

The film's other other female character is Chromia, who wins the Iacon 5000 race at the last moment. She really comes out of nowhere to clinch it. It's funny, because the leaderboards show this one guy, Mirage, hovering near the top of the rankings for almost the whole sequence. And Chromia's character model really looks suspiciously like Mirage's. In fact, there's a different character who stands around in the background a couple of times who looks much more like Chromia. Funnily enough, that background character is even called Chromia in concept art! So if you connect the dots, it really seems that the "Chromia" who is the best racer on Cybertron was originally meant to be Mirage, a guy, until they switched the character's gender at the very last minute, and didn't bother changing the leaderboards to match.

There are two possible explanations for this. The first is that Mirage was the dark horse of Rise of the Beasts, and for some reason they felt like his depiction in Transformers One would've gotten in the way of their plans for the character somehow. It's plausible, I guess. The second, infinitely funnier option, is that at some point someone working on the movie realised that they only put two women in the film, scrambled to look through the feature to find a suitable character to gender-swap, only to discover to their horror that they'd forgotten to put in any characters whatsoever. Fuck it, the racer guy! He can be a girl. Diversity win, the fastest class traitor on Cybertron... is a woman!

In case you were wondering about the Transformers One toyline leaderboards, by my count, Orion Pax has ten new transforming toys currently announced or in stores, Bumblebee and Megatron have six each, Sentinel Prime has four, Alpha Trion has two, Elita-1 has two, Airachnid has one, Starscream has one, Wheeljack has one, and the Quintesson High Commander has one. In fact, one of Elita-1's toys—the collector-oriented high-quality Studio Series release—isn't scheduled for release until some undetermined point later next year, and she was entirely absent from leaked lists of upcoming releases, which to me smacks of "we realised last-minute that it would look really really bad if we didn't bother to release a good toy of the one woman in the film". Oh, and obviously, Chromia has no toys—but there is an "Iacon Race" three-pack consisting of Megatron, Orion Pax... and Mirage. Go figure.

The thing is, all of the stuff I'm grousing about here is pretty much standard fare for kids' films targeted more at boys. Hell, even The Lego Movie—which is basically the gold standard of toy commercials—gave supporting protagonist Wyldstyle a pretty similar arc to the one Elita-1 gets here, which was probably the weakest element of that film. Evidently conscious of this, Lord & Miller redeemed themselves by devoting the entirety of The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part to deconstructing common narratives surrounding gender roles. I guess I just wish the young girls who presumably comprise some portion of Transformers One theatergoers could actually get anything out of Elita-1 as a character. Ah, what do I know, maybe it's still considered countercultural simply to depict a woman punching people.

Still, to give credit where it's due: Transformers One doesn't remotely touch the gender-essentialism prevalent in the Binder of Revelation, treating female Transformers no differently to their male counterparts in lore terms. Solus Prime is, it seems, just a Prime who happened to be a woman, rather than the mythological Eve after whom all women are patterned. There's a scene where our heroes are gifted the Transformation Cogs of the fallen Primes, and the Primes named thankfully bear no particular relation to the characters; in other words, Elita-1 isn't given Solus Prime's cog. As Alpha Trion puts it: "What defines a Transformer is not the cog in his chest, but the spark that resides in their core." Dude really remembered nonbinary people exist halfway through that sentence huh.

(Actually, the bigger mistake would've been with Megatron: if he was given Megatronus Prime's cog from the start, then this would've created the unfortunate implication that his descent into evil was only the result of Megatronus Prime's fucked up and evil cog, rather than a choice Megatron made of his own free will. The film instead has it the other way around: Megatron's radicalisation into a "might makes right" philosophy is what causes him to covet Megatronus Prime's transformation cog, to steal that power from Sentinel Prime, who stole the cogs of both Megatronus and Megatron in the first place. That's cool! This does create a bit of unfortunate narrative dissonance with Alpha Trion's words, alas, as it does seem like Megatronus Prime's cog really is more powerful than the others, because it gives both Sentinel Prime and Megatron a powerup.)

There's just something that I find so dreadfully mercenary about this movie's cast—honestly, everyone except Orion Pax, Megatron, and maybe Sentinel Prime. Take Darkwing, for example. Bro was clearly designed from the ground up to fill this stock character role of "bully who pushes our guys around and later gets his comeuppance". For a more interesting take on that exact same archetype, look no further than Todd Sureblade from Nimona, a bigoted knight who gets a whole damn character arc in the background, which directly complements that film's main themes.

Again, I'm not playing some kind of guessing game here, the authorial evidence is right there: Darkwing didn't even have a name until Hasbro designer Mark Maher was shown a picture of the character and asked, "If this was a Decepticon flyer, who would it be?" This is actually par for the course with ILM; most of their concept art is labelled with very basic descriptions, with the exact trademarks being picked in conjunction with Hasbro at a later point. Darkwing just stands out in Transformers One because he's the only recurring speaking character who's an OC in all but name (unless you count Bumblebee), he's the one guy who's been invented from scratch with total creative freedom, and he's boring as sin. It's like the filmmakers just couldn't conceive of a children's movie without that stock character—and they clearly had no idea what to do with him once they'd invented him, because he disappears entirely from the film at the start of the third act, when Orion Pax throws him into an arcade cabinet, which they have in the mines on Cybertron for some reason.

In a film with as painfully few named speaking characters as Transformers One, there's really no excuse for having this kind of one-dimensionality in their portrayals. Genuinely, I ask—who are Orion Pax and Megatron fighting to liberate? Jazz, one of the biggest personalities from the original G1 cartoon, who gets all of two boilerplate lines here? Cooley seems to think so:

As you’re designing them the background characters are almost like Lego pieces where you put different heads on different bodies just to fill in a crowd. But some of them would be brought forward and be painted specific colors so that it represents a character that I didn’t know was such a big deal. But there was stuff—like Jazz, for example, has a pretty big role. It was important to have a relationship with a character that we know gets to be saved.

To me, the idea that casual cinemagoers would be invested in any of the Transformers as characters is laughable. Michael Bay's characters are famous for being hateful non-entities. In terms of the films, Jazz is best remembered for dying at the end of the first one, seventeen years ago; he looks completely different here. The one breakout character in recent years—Mirage, as played by Pete Davidson in Rise of the Beasts—was, as I've already mentioned, written out so that the movie could reach its girl quota... not that he would've had any lines anyway.

And I just don't buy the idea that the complete dearth of compelling characterisation in this film is just an unfortunate side-effect of its clipped one-hour-thirty runtime—that, given even half an hour longer, the film would suddenly be crowded with rich portrayals of all your Transformers faves. Bumblebee and Elita-1, ostensibly two of the most important characters in the film, are not in this movie because the movie is interested in telling their stories. They are in this movie for the sake of being in this movie. It insists upon itself.

IV. No politics means no politics

In fact, putting aside merchandising considerations, Elita-1 and Bumblebee serve one very specific purpose in narrative terms. The trait Optimus Prime and Megatron have always had in common is that they are both leaders—and what is a leader, without anyone to lead? Without Bumblebee and Elita-1, you'd have this farcical situation where the only person Optimus Prime ever gets to boss around is Megatron, until the very end of the movie when God makes him king of all Cybertron. The High Guard, Starscream's gang of exiles, serve a similar narrative purpose for Megatron; they're a ready-made army who've just been sitting around waiting for him to show up and take charge.

Towards the end, the movie does actually take care to show both Orion Pax and Megatron rallying groups of Cybertronians: in Pax's case, he reveals the truth to his legion of interchangable miner friends, while Megatron riles up the High Guard mob. Again, there's a bit of that narrative sleight-of-hand, a bit of a thematic cop-out, where the question of "how do Optimus Prime and Megatron come to be leaders of their factions?" is answered only in the most literal possible interpretation. Yes, we technically see the exact chain of events that lead to this point—but both characters are portrayed as born leaders. We don't see them grow into the role, except physically. The moment Megatron decides he wants to rule, he's able to take charge. Likewise, Optimus Prime just gets divinely appointed by God. At a key point, Megatron loudly declares "I will never trust a so-called leader ever again", and the movie plays a fucking scare chord like this is supposed to be ominous. Like, oh no! Optimus Prime is a leader! And they're friends! Whatever will Megatron do when he finds out his friend, Optimus Prime, is a leader?

I don't think the movie has given any real thought to what a leader actually is. It seems to take a stance that power cannot be taken, i.e. through violent action, as Sentinel Prime and Megatron do. That one scene with Elita-1 suggests the most important trait for a leader to have, above and beyond any particular competency, is simply hope and optimism. What I just can't wrap my head around is the fact that the counterpoint the movie presents to Megatron, in the form of Orion Pax becoming Optimus Prime, does not support a belief in collective action or basic democracy—rather, it's a boring sword-in-the-stone divine-right-of-kings fantasy.

Except I do have a theory for why the film is like this. Let's look again at that interview with Eric Pearson, who came onboard in the "late middle" of production:

One of the first things that I did was a big pass on Sentinel Prime. I just felt like he was too obviously telegraphing his wickedness in previous versions, and I felt like, “No, he’s a carnival barker.” He’s got to be a big salesman. He’s a bullshitter, honestly is what he is.

(Honestly, if this is Sentinel after a "big pass" to make his villainy more of a twist, I shudder to think what the earlier drafts were like.)

Now, let's see how WIRED introduces their interview with Josh Cooley, titled "Transformers One Isn't as Silly as It Looks":

He liked the script, which traces how Optimus Prime (Chris Hemsworth) and Megatron (Brian Tyree Henry) went from friends to enemies. But as the world went into lockdown as Covid-19 spread, Cooley found his story changing, if only slightly. Trump was still in office when Cooley started working on the film, and he was having meetings with the producers and they’d “start these meetings off on Zoom just going, like, ‘Holy crap what is going on in this world?’” he says. Ultimately, the infighting they were seeing between Democrats and Republicans in the same family became an undercurrent in the film’s friends-to-enemies storyline, “because that’s what Transformers is.”

So it's like, oh, this is a 2016 election thing. This is just that one election that broke everyone's brains. Of course this movie about a made-up political struggle on an alien planet being developed from 2015-2020 wouldn't be like, hey, you know what might fix our society's problems, is if we had an election. Of course the main villain is a "big salesman" "bullshitter" who says things like "The truth is what I make it!". Wow, guys, your film is so-o-o politically-conscious, and very pretty.

The fantasy is more or less that Donald Trump's army of reactionaries is marching on Washington to seize power through violent means, and on the way he drops Joe Biden into the Grand Canyon, but just before Joe hits the ground a giant fucking bald eagle swoops in to catch him and squawks, "God finds you worthy! Arise, President Biden!"

In our escapist little morality play, our best friend slash allegorical dad gets made king of the planet, and we all get jobs in the government. As in, one of the funniest lines in the movie is straightup Bumblebee exulting, "This is the greatest day of my life. I get to work for the government!" When Prime met Bumblebee—an hour ago—the dude was talking to imaginary friends, and honestly the only fucking skill he's demonstrated since then is cold-blooded murder. We have this dissonance in the storytelling, where it's mostly a story about four friends going on an adventure (are they even friends? Most of them hate each other!), but it's also a founding-fathers political origin story, which means there comes a point where our hero just suddenly starts bossing his friends around in a deep voice, and they're like, "Yes, sir!" It creates this unhinged situation where the "good" faction on Cybertron is ruled by the biblical chosen one and his nepotism buddies.

Per that quote from WIRED (or are they just putting words in Cooley's mouth? I can't help but notice they don't give an exact quote!), the film is ultimately sympathetic to the bad guys (the Republicans, I guess). It deliberately suggests that there is really nothing that should divide the Autobots and the Decepticons: their political goals, it claims, are identical, and they only disagree on the means by which to achieve them. The Decepticons, who are angry and hateful, have simply been misled by a power-hungry liar with charisma—first Sentinel, then Megatron—and so the tragedy is that they are artificially pushed into conflict with their fellow men, when really they should be uniting to stand against their common enemy, the foreigner illuminati trying to steal Cybertron's wealth.

Now, I know I've just handed you a get-out-of-jail-free card. My political allegory here is chock full of holes. What, are Sentinel Prime and Megatron both Donald Trump? Get a grip. Obviously any real-world commentary in Transformers One was only intended in the loosest sense imaginable: things like, "people should be free to change into whatever they want!" I'm being unfair, I'm reading too much into it, this is a cartoon movie for children, and if I want politics, I should start reading some fucking books. Also, come to mention it, my whole argument about that cave earlier really didn't hold water, and- I know, alright? I know.

V. Place / Place, Cybertron

I'm not mad at this toy commercial because its politics don't quite align with mine. I'm not mad at it for having a boring-ass supporting cast. I'm not mad at it for reheating a bunch of half-baked lore I didn't care for from the early 2010s. I've actually spent a lot of time mad about Transformers media that I've thought was bad. There's Transformers: Armada, where the English translators are fully asleep at the wheel and render even the most basic cartoon plots incomprehensible though constant mistranslations. There's Transformers: Micromasters, where two white guys wrote a downtrodden race of tiny Cybertronians who greet each other like "Wattup, my micro!". There's the recent series of Transformers: EarthSpark, where there's an episode that I can only describe as "the Wonka Experience but it's an episode of a children's cartoon", with a plotline that mostly revolves around our child heroes straightup robbing a Onceler-looking businessman of his most valuable possession. There's Transformers: Age of Extinction, with that one scene, and also the rest of that movie. In fact, I would go so far as to say that most Transformers fiction is some combination of bad, offensive, and offensively bad.

So even though I've just spent thousands of words whinging and moaning about how I didn't like Transformers One, the truth is that I had a perfectly nice time at the cinema. I got to go see it with five of my pals who love Transformers just as much as I do, and we had a blast. It is easily in the top 50% of all Transformers fiction.

Unfortunately, for whatever reason, I guess I've always given a lot of thought to what Transformers looks like from the outside. Maybe it's that I'm compelled to spend so much time and money on it, that it somehow compels me to vomit up these kinds of essays, and all I want is to be able to make it make sense to anyone in my life. It would be so, so nice if I could just sit down in the cinema with a friend or family member for a couple of hours, and at the end of it, they'd be able to walk out and say, "Okay, I guess I see what you get out of it." Rise of the Beasts was kind of that movie for me, but Rise of the Beasts is also the seventh instalment in a blockbuster franchise. It kind of takes for granted everything about Transformers.

It doesn't answer, "what the fuck is a Transformer anyway?"

For many years now, fans have noticed a marked aversion to using the word "transform" as a verb, or even as a noun. Optimus Prime no longer says, "Autobots, transform and roll out!", he just says, "Roll out!". Transformers no longer transform, they "convert". In fact, Transformers are no longer Transformers at all: they are "Transformers bots", the italics here serving to distinguish a registered trademark. This is because the worms in suits at Hasbro are worried that, if they continue to use the word "transform" by its dictionary definition—that is, to change—then rival toy companies will be able to make the case that anything that transforms can legally be described as a Transformer. It will become a generic trademark, like Velcro, or Band-Aid, or Dumpster.

Yet in Transformers One, "Transformers" is not just the noun by which the characters are referred to—rather, it's used in a descriptive sense to specifically mean "Cybertronians who can transform"! Characters are constantly talking about whether they can or can't transform. Prime gets to say his catchphrase in full. It's a miracle. Not only that, characters even get to say the word "kill" instead of "defeat" or "destroy".

Transformers One has a level of unrestricted creative freedom not seen since the 1986 animated film. This is a film unconstrained by location shooting, or licensing deals, or uncooperative actors; through the magic of CGI, for every single frame of its one-hour-thirty runtime, the filmmakers can put literally whatever they want on the screen. They were given the assignment, "Make an animated prequel set on Cybertron telling the origin story of Optimus Prime and Megatron", handed an estimated $147 million and a blank page, and told to go nuts. Like those born with transformation cogs, Transformers One had the power to become anything it wanted to be.

The 1986 animated film took that carte blanche to do whatever the fuck it wanted, and basically singlehandedly defined the direction of the franchise ever since. On a lore level, in terms of tone, I would say that Transformers owes practically everything to The Transformers: The Movie. Cartoons, comics, films, and video games have adapted every single one of its scenes countless times over. I'm not necessarily saying that it's a good film, or even that it's a particularly original film—much of it is ripped off from Star Wars—just that it took the franchise somewhere it hadn't gone before. It was looking to the future. As in, literally, it was set in 2005, at the time two decades into the future.

What gets me down about Transformers One is that—like most major franchise media released since The Force Awakens—all it can do is think about the past. Swathes of it are devoted to painstakingly recreating or setting up the various bits of iconography which have arbitrarily come to define the franchise. Even when it appears to be taking things in a new direction, it's not long before it course-corrects back into familiar territory: Steve Buscemi invents a surprisingly fresh take on Starscream's voice, and then Megatron half-strangles him to death, saddling him with a post-produced rasp to emulate Chris Latta's iconic performance from forty years ago.

The very title of the film, Transformers One, is an allusion to the line, "Till all are one," which originates in The Transformers: The Movie. In an early script for that '80s feature, it was actually "Till all life sparks are one", referring to a literal metaphysical process in that draft whereby one Transformer's life force could be passed on to another, presumably with the belief that they would all eventually be merged into a single afterlife. In the finalized story, it's just this kind of mystical phrase vaguely evoking concepts of togetherness and unity.

Transformers One brushes up against the phrase a couple of times. Alpha Trion almost says it at one point, when passing on his dead siblings' transformation cogs: "They were one. You are one. All are one!" Whatever that means. Later, Orion Pax starts a chant amongst the miners: "Together as one!" And finally, at the very end of the movie, during his obligatory film-ending monologue, Optimus Prime again goes: "And now, we stand here together... as one." (Half of Cybertron has just been banished to the surface forever.) "[...] Here, all are truly... Autobots." (Again, half of Cybertron- Optimus, what the fuck are you talking about?) Regardless, this is inexplicably the one instance where the movie doesn't twist itself up into knots trying to nail the exact phrasing.

Actually, there is one other sideways reference like this I can think of. Early in the film, Orion Pax is chatting up Elita, and he remarks, "Feel like I have enough power in my to drill down and touch Primus himself." To which Elita replies, "You don't have the touch or the power." This is kind of a nonsensical retort unless you know that in the 1986 movie, one of the most iconic songs on the soundtrack was "The Touch" by Stan Bush, which had the chorus line: "You got the touch! You got the power!" It's a banger. Anyway, remember when I said Darkwing gets chucked through an arcade cabinet? Well, here's Cooley revealing why that arcade cabinet is in the film:

I actually wrote [that exchange between Orion Pax and Elita] because I love that song. [...] And we had this one version where D-16 and Orion were playing a video game, like a stand-up old arcade game—it was inspired to look like that, but a Cybertonian version of that. They’re playing that together like friends and the song, like the 8-bit song that’s playing is ["The Touch"]. But that scene got nixed. And so I wanted to work it in there somewhere. And I just felt like a natural place for it. But that was one where I’m like, "I just love that song and those lyrics and that’s Transformers to me so I want to get that in there."

(I've had to amend that quote to fill in the blanks where the article has redacted "spoilers" for the movie. Spoiler culture is an absolute pox, I swear. Can't have the audiences knowing about one (1) mid joke in advance—the movie barely has enough jokes to fill a "Transformers One Funny Moments" compilation as it is!)

This actually isn't the first time Hasbro has "nixed" a reference to "The Touch" in major Transformers media. In the Transformers: Cyberverse episode "The Alliance", a character references "The Touch" right before a training montage which is clearly supposed to have the track playing, except instead it's been replaced by a generic rock instrumental, presumably because they couldn't afford the license. And in Daniel Warren Johnson's Eisner-award-winning bestselling comic run, there's one panel where he clearly wanted to include the song's lyrics as a sound effect, but wasn't allowed, so the final sound effect famously reads "YOU KNOW THE SONG". But that's a random episode of a bargain-bin cartoon, and an indie-darling comic series—not a $147 million blockbuster. You really have to wonder if it came down to money, or if it was something else. God knows Transformers One would not actually be improved for having a chiptune remix of "The Touch" in it, anyway.

The most egregious misplaced bit of fanwank in the film isn't even in dialogue. In the 1986 film, there's this one iconic moment when Optimus Prime arrives at the besieged Autobot City, drives through a crowd of Decepticons in truck mode, then fires some afterburners, launching his cab up into the air, where he transforms mid-leap, drawing his blaster to shoot a couple of Decepticons before hitting the ground. It's a fantastic bit of original animation. It's the Akira slide of Transformers. And, surprise surprise, it crops up in Transformers One. In the climactic final fight, Orion Pax shows up to save Megatron, and he does the thing.

But the problem is... he's not in truck mode! The film just cuts to him standing there in the middle of some anonymous mooks, then he does a standing jump into the air, the movie momentarily goes into extreme slow-mo like he's doing a fucking quick-time event, then he shoots a couple of guys and drops to the ground. There's no momentum. It exists purely to create that simulacrum, to take the single most iconic frame from that bit of 1986 animation, and stretch that one frame into infinity. The context is discarded, irrelevant. All that matters is that brief moment of recognition: "I know what that iiis!" God knows Transformers One has precious little in the way of impactful fight animation of its own; the choreography is stiff and uninspired, while the shots themselves are nauseatingly cluttered. Often, the best it can do is pilfer from older, better stories.

"Did you clap at any of the new moments and memorable characters?" "Were there any?"

Look, I get it. Transformers One is a prequel. By definition, it can't change the future. It has to play with the characters that are already in the toybox. But I do think it had this really special opportunity: to show theatregoers where the Transformers come from. To show us Cybertron not as a distant star or a barren scrapyard, but as a living, thriving alien world, unlike Earth, something special and worth protecting in its own right. Something new and memorable. In Rise of the Beasts—probably the best Transformers movie by default—when Optimus Prime is at his lowest, he wants nothing more to return home... but home is something we've only ever seen as a cold dystopia, ruled by Decepticons. The version of Transformers One I had hoped to see was one that would have imbued Optimus' homesickness with greater meaning. I wanted to feel his loss, and to hope that one day the war will end, and Cybertron can be restored.

I think Transformers One sincerely tries to achieve this effect. The concept artists have clearly put a great deal of time and thought into Cybertron as an environment. When the artbook comes out, I'm keen to see how much stuff didn't make it into the finished film. You have to assume most of it got cut, because there's next to nothing left!

At the end of the film, battle lines are drawn, the civil war is about to start... but strangely, the movie's setting does not convey the sense that anything beautiful is being lost. Nobody is unwillingly turned to violence, innocence-lost; they're all too eager to get to killing, friggin' Bumblebee is gleeful about it. There's no beautiful, iconic landmark, which gets tragically destroyed, like in some kind of Transformers 9/11—"What have we done! Where will this war take us!". There's no part of Cybertron's natural ecological environment to be ruined by the war, because the surface world is already turbofucked by the Quintessons to begin with. No, rather, we have the total opposite: Optimus Prime finding the Matrix (which was just, like, hanging out in the core of Cybertron or whatever) actually restores Energon to the planet, removing the unnatural scarcity which was the entire impetus behind the film's dystopia. He made Cybertron great again. So again, Transformers One fails to answer one of the most fundamental questions one might expect of a Transformers prequel: "When did things on Cybertron get so bad?" The movie ends with the planet in better shape to how it started!

The big original idea that Transformers One has is that Cybertron, the planet itself, should be in a constant state of transformation. I've already talked about the beautiful shapeshifting landscapes, but it's also the moving buildings, the complicated mechanisms, the roads and rails that magically lay themselves between the vehicles and their destinations. I've already mentioned how odd I find it that none of these environmental transformations have any significance to the story; the closest it comes to some sort of payoff is when Orion Pax falls into the hole that makes you king.

What I find most perplexing are the deer. When the gang makes it to the surface, the idea is to show the natural beauty of the surface, which the cogless have been denied their whole lives. The mountains glisten as they move. Nebulae glow in the night sky. The surface is blanketed in organic (?) plantlife, like a watering can forgotten in a garden. And, most strikingly, there are deer: mechanical animals, just like those found on Earth, being hunted for sport by the evil Quintessons. When the cruisers near, their glowing horns turn red with alarm, and they prance around in fear.

I'm reminded of a brief gag from the third season of Transformers: Cyberverse—one of very few shows to have devoted any serious effort to Cybertronian worldbuilding—in the episode "Thunderhowl". Bumblebee and Chromia stumble across a "singlehorn" (read: unicorn), and when it senses danger, it neighs, transforms into a rocket, and blasts out of frame. And apart from being really cute and funny, it's like, oh, of course that's what animals are like on Cybertron! Everything on this planet transforms. Why not the animals?

For whatever reason, the deer in Transformers One are like the one thing that don't transform. Why the hell not? If Cyberverse could find the budget for its split-second sight gag, surely this blockbuster could, I don't know, have them turn into dirt bikes with antler-handlebars. That would've been something, right? If not, then at least could we maybe see some other animals on Cybertron, to really get across that alien biodiversity? Of course not. See, the deer exist to communicate one very specific story beat: a single moment of trepidation, where the heroes know there's danger nearby, but they don't know what. And all you need for that is a single kind of prey animal, with some kind of warning light to let you know, hey, there's danger! Once this purpose is fulfilled, the deer have no further significance to the story.

We need only look to BIONICLE 2: Legends of Metru Nui to see this exact same beat play out with a modicum of competence and creative flair. Also in the second act—in fact, at practically the exact same timestamp—our heroes, the Toa, have a run-in with the bad guys, and they're nearly captured... but then there's this sudden rumble of danger approaching, we don't know what. It turns out to be a herd of giant Kikanalo! They send the bad guys packing, except they nearly trample our heroes too! But then, Toa Nokama's mask begins to glow, and she discovers that her mask grants her the ability to talk to animals. They learn some vital information from the Kikanalo, and are able to ride the creatures for the next stage of their adventure. Finally, when they can go no further, the Kikanalo cave in the passage behind the heroes to ensure they won't be pursued. Holy shit, that's like, five different story beats with just that one type of creature!

It's not just that Transformers One struggles with that kind of basic narrative flow, where a single element serves multiple purposes. It's that often, it wastes precious time creating redundant setups to achieve the same effect twice.

For example, Megatronus Prime's face happens to look exactly like (what we know will be) the Decepticon insignia. At the beginning of the movie, Orion Pax mollifies Megatron by giving him a rare decal of Megatronus Prime's face. Traditionally, Megatron wears his insignia in the middle of his chest—but in this film, nearly every character has a big hole in the middle of their chest, where their missing transformation cog should go. So Megatron sticks the decal on his shoulder instead.

Later, he gets a cog, and the hole in his chest is filled. When Sentinel Prime captures Megatron, he notices the Megatronus sticker, and rips it off. Then, he re-applies it on Megatron's chest—purely so it's in the "right" place for the iconography. And then, he uses his gun to crudely brand Megatron with a tracing of Megatronus' face, inadvertently creating the Decepticon symbol. Finally, in a post-credits scene, Megatron has fashioned a proper Decepticon brand with which to brand himself and his followers. So in effect, there are four separate moments where Megatron gets the symbol! Orion sticking it on his shoulder, Sentinel moving it to his chest, Sentinel mutilating him, and finally Megatron branding himself. You can make an argument that the symbol starts out meaning one thing, but ends up meaning another thing, which has a kind of tragic significance—but I think you would struggle to distinguish subtle shades of meaning from all four of these brandings. Considering the movie only has an hour and a half to work with, I find this lack of narrative economy to be honestly embarrassing.

(My friend Jo also points out what a misstep it is to just have Megatronus Prime's face perfectly resemble the Decepticon symbol from the start. Had it been a looser, more stylised—that is to say, original—design, the moment where Sentinel Prime roughly carves it into Megatron's chest could be a shocking reveal, as the basic outlines are abstracted and simplified. Gasp, that's the origin of the Decepticon symbol! Instead, from the very moment that sticker first shows up, it's like... oh, well, there it is I guess.)

In a similar vein, both Optimus Prime and Megatron undergo two different transformations at different points in the movie: first, when Alpha Trion gives them transformation cogs, and second, when respectively they obtain the Matrix of Leadership/Megatronus' cog. The gun that sprouts from Megatron's arm in his intermediary form bears a much closer to resemblance to his iconic "fusion cannon" than the triple-barrelled cannon he ends up with in his final form. Again, in such a short film, can we really say whatever subtlety this brings to Megatron's arc is worth all this fanfare? Now, Redditors ask: "What is the EXACT moment D-16 became Megatron?"

In fact, probably the only point of criticism I've seen levied at Transformer One from within the Transformers fandom at large is that Megatron's arc is maybe a little "rushed". He starts out being best bros forever with Orion Pax, and by the end of the film, he's ready to drop the guy into a bottomless pit. The film takes a lot of time to justify his anger at Sentinel Prime, but the deterioration of his friendship with Orion goes much more unspoken, and is framed more as a point of irrationality: psychologically, Megatron comes to conflate his bossy friend with his oppressive ruler. I liked this, personally. I liked that it's as if a switch gets flipped in Megatron's head. But you do just kind of have to buy into it. The film itself does not put in the work to really sell you on the friendship souring, because again, it's too busy fucking around with two (2) magical girl transformation sequences for each of them.

Everything in the film is like this. They go into the cave and meet Alpha Trion, then leave the cave so they can watch a FMV cutscene with Sentinel Prime and the Quintessons, who've coincidentally arrived at that exact moment, basically just to rehash what they've just been told... and then they go back into the cave so Alpha Trion can resume his infodump, and then they end up clashing with Sentinel Prime's forces once that's done. At the beginning of the movie, they're at the very bottom in the mines, then they get banished to an even lower level, then they banish themselves all the way up to the surface, then they return to Iacon, and then Megatron gets banished to the surface again so he can be mesmerized by the beauty of the world and/or get gunched by Quintessons depending on what the film wanted me to take away from this. Compare to Minecraft but I survive in PARKOUR CIVILIZATION [FULL MOVIE], where the theme of class struggle is pretty efficiently depicted in the vertically-stratified setting.

I just find it so wasteful. Outside of the one scene where they're introduced, the Quintessons—ostensibly the true architects of Cybertron's oppressive status quo—may as well not exist. If not for Orion Pax addressing his closing remarks to the Quintessons, almost as an afterthought, I'd assume the film wants us to forget about them entirely, as it knows full well that its paltry runtime does not give it time for a second action-climax against the aliens. Even as sequel bait, it feels halfhearted at best; Josh Cooley is clearly already bored of Transformers, and seems unlikely to come back for another round unless the money is really really good (which *glances at the box office* it's not). So what the fuck are the Quintessons here for? Was the idea that Sentinel might just have pulled off his coup singlehandedly really so hard to stomach? Could the conspiracy not have been simplified to just involve Sentinel and his Transformer cronies? Hang on, are all the Transformers seen at the start of the film in on it, or just some of them? How's it decided who keeps their cogs and who doesn't?

VI. Into nothing

Why does this movie, where the main selling point is ostensibly that we're getting to see Transformers civilization for the first time, mostly focus on all these guys who can't fucking transform? Surely the entire thing that makes the setting fun is the Zootopia angle of, look, they're all different animals! Or the Elemental angle of, look, they're all different elements! Or the Emoji Movie angle of, look, they're all different emoji! Or the Cars angle of, look, they're all different cars! This is a Transformers film which features several significant sequences involving these cool trains, and there is absolutely zero indication that these trains are themselves Transformers. This is a Transformers film which extensively focuses on miners, and none of them transform into mining vehicles; they're holding, friggin', space jackhammers. Even the premise of "isn't it sad that these ones can't transform" is kind of undercut by the fact that all the miners get to wear fucking jetpacks, which is a frankly much cooler and more effective method of locomotion than driving.

I'm just sick of Transformers stories having zero interest in the basic premise of Transformers, which is to say, they transform into something. I also think this is the biggest dissonance between casual audiences, who think "oh yeah, Optimus Prime, that guy who turns into a truck", and Transformers fans, who think, "oh yeah, Optimus Prime, the messiah or something". Normal people love to know what the Transformers turn into. They ask, "Wait, is there a Transformer that turns into [insert silly vehicle here]?" Of course people are interested in that angle! Vehicles are such a huge part of our daily lives—honestly, for those of us living in cities, more so than animals, the classical elements, or emoji—but the closest Transformers One comes to engaging with this lens is that aforementioned Iacon 5000 race sequence. By and large, it presents a world which is made for standing up and walking around. And personally I do think that's an insane approach to take?

Is the excuse that cars can't emote? Nonsense. If you've ever seen a traffic jam, you'll know that cars can sure as hell emote. Pixar, where Josh Cooley cut his teeth, famously spent a lot of time working out how to put a facial expression on a car. No, the problem dates back to the very start of the franchise.

In the 1980s, two main people were responsible for writing the comic stories: American writer Bob Budiansky, and British writer Simon Furman. Budiansky approached the premise of the franchise from an external, human perspective, writing about culture clash, and taking delight in the Transformers' mechanical alien nature as "robots in disguise". Meanwhile, Furman wrote the Transformers as giant people: he focused on their own internal conflicts and motivations, and the grand history of their war. Pretty much every Transformers story ever told can be boiled down to one of these schools of thought: Budianskyist, or Furmanist.

Budiansky quit the comic after fifty issues, allowing Furman to take the reigns as sole writer, and Furman basically got the final word on what the Transformers are. They did not evolve from naturally-occurring gears, levers and pulleys. They were not designed by a supercomputer, or built by an alien race. They are the chosen sons of God. The Thirteen are, of course, an invention of Furman's. And Transformers One is perhaps the most Furmanist story ever told. It's the culmination of years and years of lore building up, ossifying into something you can no longer describe as the history of a universe—no, this is a mythology. It's the most perfect form of brand alignment imaginable: this is not an origin story, this is the origin story. It's been the origin story for a better part of the decade—and now that everyone's seen it in theatres, it will be the origin story forever.

It's not just the fiction, either, by the way. These days, if you go into the store to buy a Transformers toy, chances are it'll turn into some misshapen made-up futuristic concept car with unpainted windows and wheels that don't even roll—and that's terrible.

There's truly a lot to hate about Michael Bay's Transformers films, but with each new entry that's released following his departure from the franchise, I feel like I only find myself appreciating them more. In the 2007 Transformers movie, we see the Transformers crash-landing on Earth in their "protoforms", and their movements are animated like they're shy, like they're naked until they scan an Earth vehicle and adopt a disguise. The visual impact of Megatron, meanwhile, is that he doesn't adopt a disguise in that movie: he's a horrible metal skeleton that turns into a jet made of knives. It's weird and alien and it rules.

In the 1980s Transformers cartoon, and in the last-minute Cybertron-set prologue added to Bumblebee, and now in Transformers One, the Transformers look basically the same on Cybertron as they eventually do upon their arrival to Earth. Optimus Prime turns, unmistakably, into a truck. He has windows on his chest, and smokestacks on his arms. He doesn't have these features because he disguises himself as an Earth truck. He has those details because that's just what Optimus Prime looks like. They're his "essential brand elements", or "trademark details", which "identify the must-have elements in character design to be carried across all creative expressions". Prime may take any form he wishes, so long as it looks exactly like himself. A mask of my own face—I'd wear that.

What I find fucked up about the reception towards Transformers One is that a lot of people seemed very invested in its success—and not its popular success, certainly not its artistic success, but rather its commercial success. They wanted this to be the first film to make one bumblebillion dollars. They wanted Hasbro to line its fucking pockets and make movies like this forever. So if you express any kind of negativity towards this film online, which might theoretically affect some other person's decision of whether or not to go and see it, which might theoretically affect the profit it makes at the cinema, which might theoretically affect the future of the franchise in some unknown way, then you're some sort of fandom traitor who oughta be executed.

If you're so worried about the future of the franchise, the fandom really isn't where you should be looking. Like, c'mon, the Transformers fandom has been good as gold, we buy so many toys. Meanwhile, Hasbro just got finished laying off around 100 employees with no warning to make their books look a bit better. Transformers designer John Warden—who'd worked at Hasbro for 25 years, is widely credited with inventing the modern paradigm of Transformers toylines, and ultimately became the creative director of both Transformers and G.I. Joe—was on assignment to a convention in the UK with the rest of the Transformers team when he heard the news. Suffice to say, he did not end up making a public appearance at the convention. With his work's health insurance snatched away without notice, he's had to resort to crowdfunding to pay his family's medical bills. As a well-known figure in the toy industry, he will presumably find a new job and land on his feet, but the same cannot be said for all 99 of the remaining employees we're told have been unceremoniously dumped.

The Binder of Revelation, which has been something of a holy grail of behind-the-scenes material for over a decade, has finally been leaked—presumably by one of these guys, presumably out of spite.

Now, I'm not going to pretend to have been paying particularly close attention to Hasbro's financials, but from where I'm sitting, it sure seems that ever since the sudden death of then-CEO Brian Goldner in 2021—credited for saving the company in 2000, and overseeing the explosive growth of its intellectual property ever since then—his replacement, Chris P. Cocks (or "Crispy Cocks", as we're all now calling him), has been dead set on gutting the company for all it's worth. The Power Rangers franchise, which the company acquired for $522 million in 2018, is dead in the water, with huge quantities of physical assets being flogged at auction for quick cash. In 2019, they acquired the entertainment company eOne for $4.0 billion, and now they're selling off the whole shebang (except the cash-printing Peppa Pig franchise) for just $500 million. I guess maybe they just fucked it big style?

Because now, Crispy Cocks has proudly announced that Hasbro is going to stop financing movies altogether.

I'm sure that in the wake of this announcement, many of those aforementioned fandom pundits will be drawing a correlation between this announcement, and the box-office figures for Transformers One, and the fact that you personally failed to convince your Mom to go see it with you or whatever. "Ah, you see! They didn't make enough of their money back, and now they're consolidating. Simple economic cause and effect. Market forces." And look, I'm not going to sit here and claim these things are wholly unrelated. Of course they're very related. But I am going to make the case that, in truth, nobody at Hasbro really cared how Transformers One did. Unless it turned out to be some pie-in-the-sky runaway hit, I don't think the future of the Transformers film franchise would've been particularly different if only the film had done better.

With Paramount, Hasbro has been making these movies and having them underperform ever since 2017's The Last Knight—which apparently lost Paramount $100 million—and that's because at the end of the day, what they're most interested in isn't making movies. It's making toy commercials. And on that level, the Transformers films have clearly been a success so far.

Now, Crispy Cocks' skinsuit fashions itself as a gamer, so he can personify Hasbro's hardcore pivot towards digital and tabletop gaming. While we await the release of the assuredly-dogshit, assuredly-hell-to-have-worked-on, assuredly-never-coming-out Transformers: Reactivate, the brand has been whored out to a procession of mobile games you've never heard of, glorified gambling machines designed to hack the monkey part of your brain with bright colors and Things You Recognize. The exact content of these games is irrelevant; all that matters is the announcement, on every single pop culture news outlet simultaneously (naturally—they're all owned by the same company, talk about Monopoly), of New Collaboration Between Transformers And Goon Warriors Free To Download Now. Your daily, weekly, bi-annual reminder to think about that thing you can buy.

That's all any of this stuff is.

All these words spilled about what a good movie Transformers One is, and how bad it is, and why the marketing failed it, and what the next one might be like, and- none of it mattered! It does not matter. From the beginning, this movie was always going to be too preoccupied with its own mercenary interests to be something anyone would ever be able to seriously talk about as a work of art, even corporate art. The actual content of the movie is irrelevant; I've spent very little of this review talking about it, because there's nothing there to talk about. It is the mere fact of the movie's existence that serves its purpose. Like the Optimus Prime Fortnite skin, it's enough for it to occupy our attention.

Maybe that's why they staggered the film's release date: because some marketing exec watched the rough cut and realised, if everyone saw it at once, we'd be done talking about it within a fortnight. And in ten years' time, after it has been paraded around whichever streaming services survive 'til then, and nearly every last cent of revenue has been squeezed out of it, the kids will be able to watch it on YouTube with ad breaks, and decide what they want for Christmas.

To the Transformers fans reading this, I am begging you, unless you happen to own shares in Hasbro for some fucking reason, to disabuse yourself of the feeling that you owe any kind of loyalty to a toy franchise. It shouldn't matter to you one jot how Transformers One did in theatres. The people who actually make the product you care about, the friendly faces paraded before you on livestreams and press tours, don't see this money anyway—they too are merely assets, who can be fired and replaced with cheaper, inferior equivalents.

I'm sure many of you will have, from the very start, seen this review for the foolish endeavour it is. I've wasted all this time criticising Transformers One for its lack of artistic vision, when the truth is, Transformers One is playing an entirely different game. Like the Disney Channel running "Fishy Facts!" segments to subliminally get kids interested in fish a full year and a half before the release of Finding Nemo, this is not a product—it's an ad for a product.

...

Okay I'll be honest, I don't entirely love where this review has ended up. It ends on kind of a "bummer note", I guess you could say. Flashing back to sections I. and II., I feel like things started out so fun. We had that whole bit at the start where I was telling you about the Transformers, remember that? We learned so much together. And there were even a few moments where I was able to express some kind of sincere joy and appreciation over this thing that I supposedly adore so much. Sure, I did a lot of complaining, but it was fun complaining, right? It had like, a sarcastic edge to it, sort of.

What happened? Why am I suddenly talking like I want to cut someone's head off? As I grow more bitter, I type this essay with increasing difficulty. The massive gun that's sprouted from my forearm keeps colliding with my monitor.

Hasbro descends from on high to reward @TFHypeGuy, a grown-ass adult who has spent untold unpaid hours fearlessly replying to every single viral tweet to tell people to go see the film, somehow netting himself 80,000 followers in the process, with a crate of toys, which was probably his end goal from the start. He and I duel. We trade blow after blow. Finally, he clobbers me with a Walmart-exclusive light-up Ultimate Energon Optimus Prime figure. "It didn't have to end this way," he says. Then he banishes me to the surface world to think on my sins.

VII. The Wrong Trousers 👖 | Train Chase Scene 🚂 | Wallace & Gromit

When Eric Pearson came onto the project,

It was late middle of the game. They had a script that had the outline of the story, which is still very much the structural bones of the story now. But what I found interesting about animation is there are certain things that were far along in the process. The train escape to the surface was very far along, so that was just kind of locked. Maybe you could change a line here or there. Meanwhile, the opening, the whole first 10 minutes, was all storyboards and sketches, which changed a bunch of times.

And I do think that's a really difficult position for a scriptwriter to be in. Sure, the parts of the screenplay I feel able to attribute to Pearson, I wasn't particularly impressed by. But I think this anecdote goes to show how unnatural the constraints can be on a story like this. When you think of like, a scene that's key to Transformers One, you're probably imagining something like the Megatron/Optimus fight, or the scene in the mine—not the train scene, which is basically a bit of arbitrary connective tissue bridging the two main locations in the film.

Josh Cooley, the film's director, the face of the film on the press circuit from a creative standpoint, came onboard after five years of previous development work was already done. Writers Andrew Barrer and Gabriel Ferrari, who originally pitched the film and presumably wrote the early drafts of the story, might have already left the project by that point. Aaron Archer and Rik Alvarez, the creative forces behind the Binder of Revelation, left Hasbro years before the film was even pitched. It's no wonder to me that the final result feels incoherent, disjointed, and oddly stilted. It's certainly no wonder that nobody at Hasbro today really seems to care about the film; it's not their baby. If any of the people credited with bringing the project to completion had been given full creative freedom to make whatever Transformers movie they wanted, it would've looked completely different.

Luckily, there are still plenty of areas of the franchise where creators have just been allowed to go ham. Over in Japan, TRIGGER has taken a modest budget for a music-video and produced one of the most visually-striking bits of animation in the franchise, a true love-letter to all the weird parts of its forty-year history. And in America, comic creator Daniel Warren Johnson is halfway through his Eisner-winning new run on the title, which is the kind of thing I would basically recommend to anyone without caveats as being a phenomenal story, period. If that comic can be said to be an advert for anything, it's for Skybound's other, nowhere-near-as-good comic series, or for the unofficial unlicensed copyright-infringing Magic Square Optimus Prime toy Daniel Warren Johnson apparently used as reference the whole time.

I dunno, maybe Hasbro stepping back from financing these films is a good thing, in the long run. Maybe we can do without Transformers movies for a while. And however many years down the line, maybe Paramount or some other studio will put together a new team of talent, and they'll get to do whatever it is they want. And maybe the movie they make will be the one that knocks everyone's socks off.

Truly, I don't know where the road leads from here. It hasn't been built yet. It could turn out to go anywhere.

If you made it this far, I hope some of what I've said has been entertaining or interesting. Thanks for reading!

Time to for me to come clean. There is one other reason why I've waited so long to release this review... and that's because I have a special announcement to make. Last month I set myself a little challenge: to write something that's at least as long as this review, but which isn't another negative-nancy tirade. It's a story.

The working title is "Ice Road Transformers". It's like an episode of that one reality TV show about Canadians driving trucks across frozen lakes—except the truck is Optimus Prime.

Early reviews say it's good! It'll be going through several rounds of revisions, to turn it into a well-oiled machine, hopefully in time for a seasonally-appropriate wide release in February. I'm very excited for you to be able to read it. You can follow me here or on Bluesky to be the first to find out when it's ready!

I'd like to thank my friends Jo and Umar for their work interviewing Cooley and di Bonaventura during the film's press circuit, along with Viv, Callum, and Omar for allowing me to enjoy this film much more than I otherwise might have. I wouldn't have been able to express many of my feelings about this movie nearly so cogently if not for the conversations I had with them. Additional thanks go to Chris McFeely, as his Transformers: The Basics videos (linked throughout this essay) refreshed my memory on a lot of the Aligned stuff, sparing me from having to read The Covenant of Primus again.

#transformers #transformers one #movie review #essay

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namjoonscoffeeshop · 10 months ago

Text

Deep | 02

✧ Pairing:Min Yoongi x reader

✧ genre: angst,fluff,smut,fake dating au,contract

✧ warning(s): explicit language, suggestive content, mature content

✧ synopsis; you're in love with your childhood friend but he does not see you more than just a friend. One day you ask him to be more than just friends, he agrees.

✧ word count: 8.4k+

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Yoongi followed behind you as he pushed the cart down the aisle. you guys tend to eat together, so you don't waste a lot of money on groceries.

as you pass the aisle with his favorite's snacks you see him toss about three bags of them, he gives you a sheepish smile as he pushes the cart ahead of you before you could say anything to him.

"do you really wanna cook? we could order food. i'll pay my treat" he smiles

"well what do you wanna get" you ask as you grab a carton of milk and put it into the cart. he watches you as you look like a busy bee walking around getting everything you needed.

so wifey material

he chuckles at his thoughts, "lets get a box of chicken wings. it's good here" he points at the little side stand of chicken, you nod and head over to add a order.

once you arrive home, he's helping bring in the grocery as you fix it in the refrigerator. "what movie are we watching" he yells from the living room as he shuts the door.

"i don't know, you pick" he groans, he hated when you did that. made him choose everything.

"fine but don't complain later" you giggle

after putting everything away you bring the food you guys got to eat right now to the living room. yoongi was already sitting on the floor going through netflix waiting for you

"what do you want to drink?" you ask as you place the box of chicken down "beer" he says giving you his gummy smile

rolling your eyes playfully you go back to the kitchen to get what he wanted.

"you don't like beer, but you're drinking it a lot lately" you tell him as you take a seat next to him on the floor. he just shrugs, as he opens the can "i just feel like drinking it these days"

"what are we watching?" you ask

"inception"

you groan "againnnn" you whine

"hey you told me to pick, i told you not to complain. it's either inception or matrix" he whines back at you

"same difference, i'd rather watch inception. you start questioning me about what fucking pill i'd drink"

"well you never answer!"

you shush him before he could start with his questions "just press play" you wave your hand as if calling defeat and he just shakes his head as he laughs.

you had brought some blankets on the sofa, so after you were done eating you climbed onto the sofa and covered yourself. yoongi was into the movie as always, completely oblivious to his surroundings.

you lay on your tummy, yoongi's head is leaned against the sofa as he watches the movie. you take this chance to play with his hair. he didn't really like when people touched his hair, but when he's really into something he could care less about what's going on.

your fingers curl up on the long strands of hair that fall on his neck, taking it as a chance to snake your hands around him. letting them hang over his chest

you were screaming inside, waiting to see how he was going to react.

tilting his head back he looks at you "what's with you" he chuckles, he didn't mind you touching him, but you never did before at least not like this.

"i'm bored" you tell him as you hug him burying your face in his nape. "well this is uncomfortable" he gets up.

his words leave you shocked. did he hate you touching him that bad, did you cross a line you shouldn't have? you blanked out as all these questions passed through your head you didn't notice when he laid on the longer side of the sofa "well come here" he laughs at your blank expression

"but you said it was.....uncomfortable" you mutter the last part

"yeah it was gonna be uncomfortable if i just sat on the floor, now come here" getting up, he opens his arms as you basically lay over him. he covers the both of you with a blanket and he holds you. he overlaps your legs so you don't fall off the sofa, "go to sleep, you're the one that wanted to hang out and now you say it's boring" he shakes his head

you hug his waist, as he watches tv. you felt like it wasn't getting anywhere, this was how you both always act. there was no spark. looking up at him, you watch him as he stares at the screen

it took him a while before he looks at you, faces inches away from each other. "what" he says

"nothing" you make sure to not be a coward and keep eye contact just as he does.

"why do i feel like you got something to say"

"maybe i do"

"yeah? what is it then" you look at his lips as they move, he notices how your body language is different than usual.

"inception sucks" he scoffs playfully, threatening to push you off the sofa.

chicken

maybe you shouldn't have eaten chicken...then you could've kissed him right now...

yeah lets blame the chicken.

you ended up falling asleep in his arms, he watched inception till the end and the turned off the tv. seeing how you were deep asleep he just laid there looking at the ceiling as he heard your little snores.

a small ring from his phone made him look at his phone, there were a shit load of messages from her.

tossing his phone to the side he pulls the blanket to cover you a bit more before shutting his eyes and dozing off himself.

*･ﾟ:*✧*:･ﾟ*

you woke up on the same position as before, but you could only hear yoongi's small snores as you laid on his chest. you lean on the couch trying to get up, only to have his grip around your waist tighten "don't you see i'm sleeping" he groans

"but i wanna get up" you feel your face heat up as he stares at you half awake "why? Just sleep" he gives you a small squeeze before opening his eyes completely "did you watch the whole movie?"

"you mean the movie we were suppose to watch together but you fell asleep instead, yeah I did" he chuckles. chin against his chest as you look up at him, he covers you with the blanket "what's on your mind" he says

gathering all your courage, "what type of girl is your ideal type" you stare into his eyes, with determination to find out

"uh, that's random" he chuckles "why do you want to know?"

"just because..."

"right..." he raises a brow as he grins

"come on, just tell me"

he looked into your eyes for a while as if searching for the reason behind these questions, giving up he sighs. "let me think" he stares at you as he hums "i don't really have an ideal type, just someone who is similar to me" he shrugs

i'm nothing like him..

"black long hair" he says suddenly as he grabs a strand of your hair "right now i'm really into long black hair" he twirls his finger around your strand of hair.

you were about to smile until the girl from the party came to mind, she has long hair too. the thought made you frown as you sat up "what?" he sits up as well.

"nothing" you smile "it's late, we should clean up and go to sleep"

"don't worry about it, let's just go to sleep" standing up from the couch he reaches out his hand to you, you knew what he wanted. more like what he was gonna say, he was gonna tell you to stay with him since it was late.

but what he didn't know was that you were pissed for his response, why couldn't the bitch change her hair color just like she cakes her face.

but you weren't gonna miss the chance of staying with yoongi. taking his hand you both walk to his bedroom, where you both lay on each side and fall asleep.

*･ﾟ:*✧*:･ﾟ*

"how did the date go?"

"it went good" your friend grins, causing all the other girls to squeal like high school girls. your sitting in the cafeteria in your campus with your group of friends, they are all dating unlike you. you always seem to be the one left out when it comes to these conversations.

"y/n, my boyfriend actually told me his friend was having a mixer and I told him about you. do you want to go?"

"i don't know" you laugh awkwardly

"don't tell me you're planning to stay virgin till marriage" they all stare at you with intense looks, as if they could eat you up.

"i just don't want to loose it to a random person..." you mutter, causing them to all nod "there's nothing wrong with that" abby ruffles your hair "but you never go out, how are you planning to ever find someone"

"don't rush her" jihye says as she pulls you into a hug "leave my innocent y/n alone, if she doesn't wanna meet anyone then it's fine. her time will come"

"what about junho, you both were hanging out"

"oh we're just friends...i'm not attracted to him at all" you make sure to clear the air about junho and you since you knew what everyone was saying.

"as long as you don't go running after yoongi all the time i'm sure you'll find someone" she says sarcastically

you play with the spoon as they continue to talk about their boyfriends and their sex life as if they didn't care you were there.

either way, you didn't want them to not include you in their little group talks, it would be awkward if they didn't even acknowledge you. they respected that you were a virgin but they were really pushy at times.

just as you were listening to them, you see yoongi walking into the cafeteria with his group of friends. abby follows your sight of vision and grins "namjoon is hot, i hear his dick is so fucking good" she shakes her head in approval

"nah, jungkook" the girls all nod as they hum in sync. you stare at them and look back at the guys. "you guys are a bunch of hoes" you say, causing them to laugh. "for namjoon, yes"

"but you have a boyfriend" you tell her, point the spoon her direction with disapproving eyes "shh child" she puts your arm down "let me dream"

*･ﾟ:*✧*:･ﾟ*

waiting in the library once more for yoongi, you sit there watching a show as you wait. he texted you saying he was on his way but you had already watched two episodes. taking out your phone you give him a call, only to be sent to voicemail.

the grip on your phone tightens as you frown knowing damn well what he was up to. he always answers, except when he was with her. feeling annoyed you take out a post it note. you leave the note on the table, knowing he'll find it cause you always sit in the same table. grabbing your bag you decide to head home feeling defeated.

MEANWHILE....

she rubbed her hand on his thigh as she kissed his jawline "you kept ditching me this week" yoongi was in fact trapped with his play thing at the moment. he could see you sent him messages and such, but he had needs that needed to be fulfilled.

"i know, i've just been busy" he kisses her back as she locks her lips with his. undoing his belt, she gets on her knees in front of him. "get rid of it"

"what?" he says as he lifts his hips helping her pull down his pants and boxers "your little distraction" he chuckles at her bold words, taking hold of his harden cock she gives him a long lick from the base to the head "why don't you stop talking and use your mouth for something else" kissing his tip she opens her mouth taking him in whole.

"yea, just like that" holding onto her head, he thrusts into her mouth hitting the back of her throat causing her to moan and gag as he holds his dick on the back of her throat for a moment. his eyes were shut close, head laid back as he tried to ignore the buzzing phone.

wiping her mouth she looks up at yoongi "your leaving?" he ignores her as he throws his jacket on "yeah, i have to go meet someone"

"that's not fair, what about me?" she pouts

"you'll be fine" I already took too fucking long, I was suppose to meet her an hour ago. she must still be waiting.

grabbing his bag he walks to the door "my distraction might keep me busy, don't text me like we have some sort of relationship" he winks at her before walking out the door leaving her annoyed, kneeled on the floor.

walking into the library he rushes to the spot you always sit but sees you aren't there. walking to the table he thought you might've gone to the bathroom or something but instead of your bag or notebook there as you'd always leave for him he found a note

I'm heading home, make sure to eat once you get home.

- Y/N

folding the note he sticks it in his pocket he lets out a puff of air, annoyed did she get mad. Once he got to the building he rings your doorbell. but there was no answer. not wanting to barge in, he calls your phone but no answer. sighing he gives up after ringing your bell a few more times before entering his apartment.

"i'll make it up to her later" he says walking to his room to get a change of clothes.

you lay on your bed as you hear the last doorbell sound. "took him a long ass time to come back home, dumb whore" you were angry, you wanted him to just pay attention to you but he was still going to her.

what bothered you the most is that this girl was different from the rest, she has been with him longer than the rest. jihye said it's probably cause she isn't clingy. the moment they become clingy he leaves the relationship.

*･ﾟ:*✧*:･ﾟ*

"I'm busy today" yoongi tells the person on the other end of the call. after ignoring his calls he decided to just sit outside on the bench that's in front of the building for a smoke.

"i'll call you" he says shutting his phone off and leaving it on the side "bitches mad annoying these days" putting a cigarette between his lips he presses on his lighter. just as he was about to reach the other end of the stick, the lighter is yanked out of his hand "really yoongi, you know this shit ain't good for you" there stood the girl who had him waiting outside.

chuckling he takes the cigarette out from between his lips "come on babe, what am I suppose to do then" taking it from his hand she takes the cigar box and shoves it inside only to put it in her back pocket "I got jolly ranchers"

yoongi was about to answer but she took his hand and was pulling him up the stairs. he stares at her frame as he walks behind her "i'd rather have something else that's sweeter" he licks his lips. rolling your eyes you opens the door and walk inside.

"are you mad at me" he says as she opens the side tables drawer

"why would I be mad?"

"you didn't answer my calls nor opened the door"

"you have keys you could've entered" closing it shut, you turn around grabbing yoongi's hand "green, the ones you like" in his palm there were four green jolly ranchers.

"i guess" they walk to the living room as he unwraps one and sticks it in his mouth. "but i'm still taking these back" reaching for your back pocket from your jeans he takes the box of cigarettes.

"yoongi i'm serious"

"so am i, i'm eating the jolly rancher. don't be mad" he gives you his gummy smile

"what ever" letting her body fall on the couch he stares at her from where he stands "why were you ignoring me"

"I wasn't, I was asleep"

"right" he answers sarcastically

"why were you late"

"the guys were being mad annoying" he rolls his eyes playfully, sitting across from her. the way he could just lie to her made her feel annoyed "next time just tell me where you're at and i'll go" you unwrap a jolly rancher you had gotten for yourself.

"you wanna hang out with my friends?" he was surprised since you never wanted to go even when he invited you. "better than being alone for hours"

"i guess, sure next time i'll tell you"

*･ﾟ:*✧*:･ﾟ*

"Stay still, you moving around like that isn't helping" you slap his hand as you try to help him take out the eye contact that he couldn't take out himself.

You were about to go to sleep after hanging out and eating dinner when he calls you telling you that he either can't get the contact out or it fell but to get your ass over and help him. He was sitting on the couch in front of a small mirror when you entered.

This is the situation.

"Well you poked my fucking eye" he hisses, of course he was exaggerating. Hovering over him as you try to get a better look at his eye he keeps closing it on purpose. "That's it" In a swift move you straddle him pushing him back against the couch as you tilt his head back. "Now stay still" dumbfounded he stares at you speechless.

"I think you dropped it...." Distancing yourself from him you sit back on his lap. As he stares at you. "So you planning to get off or what"

"So much for saying thank you" rolling your eyes, you place your hands on his shoulder as you were about to stand up. Wait a damn minute, this is my chance to mess with him, you thought.

Letting yourself fall back on his lap you stare into his eyes. Which one was red which you in fact did poke. Wrapping your hands around him you decide to just sit there and hug him. "Y/n, that's enough" he laughs, hands on your waist as he tries to make you stand. leaning into his ear you whisper his name, your fingertips slightly brushing against the back on his neck

"what" he says unaffected.

Thinking about what one of the characters in the books you read would do, you decide to move your hips against him. making him mutter your name as his grip on your waist tightens.

"What" you look him in the eye before moving your hips again, sharper than before. "Alright that's enough" gripping your thighs he abruptly stands, dropping you on the sofa as he turns "thanks for the help, I'm gonna go finish what I was doing. See yourself out" without giving you a glance he walks away. You hear him enter the rest room.

"That was a fucking fail" you sigh, screaming into a couch pillow. Closing his contacts container you leave his apartment

"Fuckk" yoongi strokes his cock with his hand, rubbing his thumb on the tip. "Mmm y/n" calling your name he thrusts into his fist. "Shit" bitting his bottom lip he continued to pump himself in a fast pace. Your name escaped his lips as he releases all over his hand.

Head leaning against the shower wall, he lets the water help him calm down after his release "this girl...stop thinking about her before you get hard again" sighing he turns off the water.

*･ﾟ:*✧*:･ﾟ*

"Here have some lemonade before we go" he hands you a bottle of lemonade as he grabs your suitcase. your parents called asking you guys to visit this weekend. yoongi for once didn't reject the offer.

"thanks" you enter the car as he shuts the door once your in, making his way to the trunk to put the luggage away. you were expecting something to happen after you basically rubbed yourself on him but he was nonchalant as always.

opening the bottle as he enters the car you take a sip before passing it to him, staring at you confused you laugh "drink some"

"are you gonna wanna get something to eat during the drive" he says as he drinks from the bottle. pursing your lips as you ponder of what you should get he hands you the bottle back.

"sandwiches? honestly, I should've done food before we left"

"nah, it's fine. lets go get some then"

in the end you got two sandwiches while he got a corn dog saying he wasn't as hungry. you both make your way to the car while he's just devouring his corn dog.

"you sure you're not gonna want something else" you ask him as you both get in the car, he only shakes his head.

the car ride was quiet until you took over the radio playing your favorite music, he didn't like your taste in music but he didn't care. he loved hearing you sing your heart out to every song.

opening your sandwich you were about to take a bite but you felt him staring at you. sighing you turn to him "what? you want it?"

he only grins as he looks back at the road "here" grabbing his hand you place the sandwich on his hand, rolling your eyes since you knew he wasn't gonna be filled with just the corn dog. your should've gotten him his own extra share.

but you were hungry...one wasn't enough. pouting you opened your other sandwich taking a bite out of it. Did he forget that i'm the one that said we should get sandwiches.

he laughs as he sees you eat with a angry look on your face "want it back?"

"no"

"will one be enough for you"

"no, that's why i got two" you take another bite as you glare at him

"then take it"

"i don't eat left overs"

he gasps sarcastically " how are they leftovers"

"because you bit it and you probably didn't even want it but just messed with me"

glancing your way once more he grins "i was just teasing you a little"

looking his way, he had that same gummy smile that makes your insides melt. "so what, are you giving it back" you toss the wrapper into the bag

"nope"

he continued to eat my fucking sandwich.

*･ﾟ:*✧*:･ﾟ*

arriving at the house of your parents you both get down. "i'll get the suit cases, head inside first" he says as he opens the trunk. you nod before walking up the stone path as you head up the house, you can hear music playing.

you could hear how it was coming from the back, walking around the house you enter the backyard through the side gate "we're homeeee" you yell out as you enter the gate to find both your families sitting together.

"look at my little girl" your mom gets up and rushes to you. pulling you into a tight hug "you guys need to visit more often" she showers you with kisses "mommm, i just saw you a couple weeks ago" you whine.

"where's yoongi" his dad puts down a plate he had brought from inside

"bringing the luggage" you turn to look at the gate, wondering why he's taken long "hold on, lemme go get him" you smile, getting any excuse to get away from all the smooches.

walking back to the front of the house you find yoongi leaning against his car smoking your luggages also put up against the car. you sigh before making your way towards him

"really? they're waiting for us and you're out here doing this" stopping in front of him you cross your arms raising a brow in disapproval. he smirks before blowing towards you causing you to wave the smoke away

"really?"

"you know the moment i get in there, my dad starts telling me i should change career" he's about to put the cigarette between his lips but you take it out of his hand tossing it on the floor only to step on it.

"you should really quit, it's bad for you"

looking up you see his hand extended out towards you

"what?"

"give me a jolly rancher"

"what? i don't have any with me"

rolling his eyes he takes out the pack of cigarettes

"yoongi they're waiting for us" you whine, taking it from his hands

"then give me something sweet" he taps his lips

"later" wrapping your arm around his, you grab your suit case with your other hand . he stood there staring at you "get yours genius" he groans in frustration as he grabs it and pulls you towards the house

entering the lions den as yoongi sees it you both leave the suit cases at the back entrance before joining the rest at the table

"hey" the little boy sitting next to you greets you.

"hello" you smile

"my name is hajun" his eyes sparked as he looked at you

"ah..my name is y/n"

"that's a pretty name" his cheeks turn into a pinkish blush

"who's the flirt" yoongi says as he sits opposite from you after greeting his parents, you shrug.

"he's my friends kid, she had something to do this weekend so he'll be here" your mom smiles

looking at the kid, you see him staring at you

"do you think my daughter is pretty" your mom tells the boy in a teasing way only for him to nod and everyone laughs but yoongi

"is he your boyfriend"

"no"

"yes"

yoongi and you both look at each other, you look confuse as you mouth, what the fuck

he shrugs before drinking from the glass of water

"wait is he?" the boy pouts

"no, he's just messing around"

"really yoongi? he's only six" his mom shakes her head as she chuckles

"what, gotta let the kid know he has no chance. letting a kid be delusional is bad for them" he shrugs

you all laugh as both boys stare at each other, yoongi had a smug look while hajun was glaring at him

"you're too young kid" he laughs

your hand meets your face as you couldn't believe yoongi was fighting with a kid. "are you guys hungry?" your mom speaks up, only for you to glare at yoongi who was already giving you a gummy smile knowing you were gonna tell that he ate your food and he wasn't wrong you did tell.

"yes, yoongi ate my food" crossing your arms.

"i told her she could have it back but then went and called them left overs" he starts to complain but his mom pulls his ear while lecturing him in a playful way about stealing your food. of course all he did was laugh, but his eyes never left you.

after eating you guys sat there and caught up with your parents, while you tried to keep up with the conversation you also tried to give hajun attention as he kept talking to you.

"y/n"

"what"

"come over here" yoongi says as he gets up and walks towards the glass door to enter the house

excusing yourself you walk behind him, he picks up both your suitcases as he opens the door.

"what happened?"

"give me what you said"

"what?" extending his hand he raises a brow

rolling your eyes you walk to the counter and open the jar that has always been there ever since you were a kid and just like then, it was filled with lollipops. your dad has a sweet tooth.

pulling the wrapper off you walk up to him, pressing it against his lips "there, suck" he grabs onto the lolipop, one brow raised at you as chai you wink before walking off leaving him dumbfounded.

*･ﾟ:*✧*:･ﾟ*

"How's she doing in school" yoongi was sitting on the chair swing with your dad, you had gone inside to help clean up after everyone ate.

"she's doing fine, she'll be graduating on time" he takes a sip of the beer

"that's good, thanks for watching out for her" he chuckles, putting his hand on yoongi's shoulder he gives it a small squeeze before looking at his wife

"i just don't want her to mess up and end up struggling like we did, young and with a kid...life just doesn't treat you the same" before you guys went off to college, your dad did not agree with you going away. only after yoongi promised to watch over you did he allow you to go somewhere far.

"don't worry i keep an eye on her" he chuckles, your dad nods giving yoongi a little nudge with his elbow "don't be too protective" making both of them laugh. getting off the swing he walks to yoongi's dad who was stacking up the chairs.

yoongi looks at you as you walk to hajun giving him a lollipop time to go torment the kid, getting up from the swing he walk over to both of you. the kid unwraps the lollipop only for yoongi to steal it.

"yoongi, really? it's his" you hit his arm.

"what, did you also tell him to suck on it too?" he laughs before putting it in his mouth. rolling your eyes you reach into your pocket and hand him another lollipop

"don't listen to him, he's just a bully"

"nah, she's the real evil one. don't trust her, women are all the same" yoongi acts hurt as he wipes his fake tears

"did noona reject you" he frowns, feeling sorry for yoongi.

you couldn't hold your laugh as yoongi looks at him with a really bitch look.

"my mom says you shouldn't force love. it'll come naturally"

"how old are you again kid" yoongi asked annoyed

"alright alright, your right hajun" you pat his head giving him a sweet smile.

*･ﾟ:*✧*:･ﾟ*

you were getting a change of clothes from your suitcase before getting a call from yoongi

"are you sleeping" he says

"no, why?"

"i'm not tired"

"ok? i am"

"then why aren't you sleeping"

"cause i haven't changed my clothes..i was talking to my mom" shutting your suitcase you place some shorts and a large t-shirt on the bed "come on lets go out, i'm not tired"

"no, yoongi go to sleep"

"but i hate that room"

you let out a sigh, knowing damn well what he wants, every time you guys come to visit he always wants to sneak into your room without your parent's noticing

"you just wanna avoid your dad tomorrow morning"

"and if that's the reason, is my best friend not gonna help me?"

you couldn't help but laugh at his childish behavior "fine, hurry up. the window is open"

"alright"

it didn't take long before you see a cat like person crawling through your window

"babe, at least open the window more" he rubs his head at the same spot he just hit while sneaking in.

"shhh, they'll hear you" yoongi waves you off as emphasizes how extra you could be. you end up going to the bathroom to change into your outfit. "okay, take this as a opportunity" you tell yourself in the mirror. your hands tight in fist as you try to boost your confidence . getting a bottle of water for him you go back to your room.

"here"

"thanks"

getting into the bed you lay by the wall, having him lay on the other side. the bed wasn't as big as the one back in your apartment. your knees touched in this bed. your goal, to cuddle.

"i'm gonna turn off the light"

"ok"

you both lay in silence, it wasn't an awkward silence. not until yoongi groans, sitting up pulling his shirt over his head. "what are you doing" you exclaim as he tosses his shirt at the end of the bed "what, i can't sleep with this shirt. i forgot to change" he whines as he get under the covers again.

trying to calm your fastened heart beat you lay on your side facing him. "are you sleepy now"

"nope, but it's better than being alone" he stares at the ceiling. you were both raised here together. your parents are friends. well both your moms were. they both got pregnant around the same time and this is how you guys ended up being inseparable.

unlike you he didn't have the happiest moments. his parents always fighting and there was always as chance of them getting a divorce. it wasn't like this before he was born, his dad would tell him repeatedly.

but yoongi found peace at your house, making it his home. the fighting at some point got so bad yoongi himself yelled he'll fill up the divorce papers himself so they can just sign and go their own way. he was tired. yoongi went to live with you that summer.

i heard his parents fought less with him around. yoongi was never the same after that when ever he was around them.

his eyes were shut, as you stared as his perfect face. lifting your hand you move the hair strand that covered his eyes "what is it" he was getting sleepy, you could tell by his voice.

"yoongi" he hums in response

scooting closer to him you decide to just take action first and hug him first.

"what are you doing" he says looking down at you

"the bed is small, and since you're taking over the rest of my blanket I can't hug it to sleep" he chuckles, knowing you need to hug something to sleep. Something he always found cute about you. "you're such a child" he teases, hugging you back.

"want me to scratch your head" he chuckles, knowing you love it when your mom especially passes her hand through your head

"yeah" you smile

in the books i read this position, it's the sweetheart cradle.

*･ﾟ:*✧*:･ﾟ*

"i thought you guys weren't boyfriend and girlfriend" hajun speaks up as he enters the room, he gasps so loudly you both woke up

"we aren't" you sit up quickly, not being able to enjoy waking up next to yoongi's side due to this snotty nosey brat

the kid pouts but glares at yoongi who also sat up but leaned against the headboard smirking "told you there was no chance at all"

"shut up" you punch his arm, you were afraid this kid would go tell your parents

"wheres mom" you ask him as your crawl to the edge of the bed. yoongi on the other hand had a good view of your ass and he didn't bother to not look away instead he stared as your shorts rode up your butt as you crawled to the end of the bed. he had a urge to not give it a firm grab or slap your ass.

"they left, she told me to come get you" he looks at you after glaring at yoongi for a good minute

"alright, let me get ready and we can go out. the three of us"

"can't we leave him here" he points at yoongi

"no can do kid, you can't just try to pull a move without the other man being there. that's cheating"

"you did, last night" he rolls his eyes at yoongi who stood up and picked up his shirt. walking to hajun who was at the doorway he pats his head "i said man" and walks out

hajun ran after him yelling, leaving you on the bed fed up with their rivalry.

"Can I hold your hand?" hajun rushes to your side as yoongi stays behind to lock the doors. he kept looking back to see if yoongi was coming.

"sure" grabbing his small hand into yours you begin to speed walk while laughing knowing he wanted to get as far as possible from yoongi.

you couldn't even cross the street before yoongi scooped him off the ground, throwing him over his shoulder "hey put me down" he yells kicking

"nope" yoongi then takes your hand in his and crosses the street. "don't drop him yoongi" you pinch him with your nails as he holds your hand "i won't, if he doesn't move"

"y/n please, i'm not a kid. tell him to put me down"

"yoon-" before you could say anything he leans down to your height whispering into your ear "if i put him down i'll have no choice but to make you switch places with him"

your face heated up as his raspy voice whispered to you. looking at the young boy who was dangling over his shoulder pleading for you to help him you give him a apologetic smile "sorry"

*･ﾟ:*✧*:･ﾟ*

"it's not fair"

"too bad"

"play fair"

"she's not some prize kid"

they kept going at each other as you walked to the store to get some snacks. "go play on the swing or something" yoongi shoos him away only to have the boy frown and he was clearly angry

"why does it bother you. you like her and don't even make a move"

yoongi chuckles, pulling out a jolly rancher from his pocket. i really wanna smoke right now, he thought as he tasted the green apple in his mouth. "what makes you say that"

"you look at her the way the mail man looks at my mom" he gasps at the young boys words he almost choked on the jolly rancher.

yoongi was determined that this kid was out to get him.

"you should really tell your dad about that" he gives the kid a concerning look. the kid takes a seat next to him shaking his head "I don't got to. He knows"

the conversation just went to shit. not even to make a joke about it, this is like what...character development for the kid? yoongi thought to himself

"damn kid that's fucked up" really?

the kid only shrugs

"parents are over rated" taking out another jolly rancher he hands it to the kid "here"

"thanks" unwrapping it he looks at yoongi "so what? do you like her or not"

"she's my best friend"

"but do you like her"

"kid, mind your business" he rolls his eyes. getting annoyed by a little ass kid made him even more annoyed.

"does it feel nice?"

"what" yoongi sighs

"being in love?"

"how old are you again?" yoongi grins as the kid purses his lip probably wanting to curse at this elder so bad.

"it's nice to be in love, but it doesn't justify cheating. cheating is bad, don't be a bad man"

the weekend came to an end and you both were making your way back home after saying good bye to everyone.

suddenly hajun and yoongi were on good terms.

"what were you two talking about the other day. after that he just kept following you around" you ask yoongi as you open the bottle cap for his drink, handing it to him.

"stuff"

"oh really?" you roll your eyes as he laughs. "don't be mad sweetheart, we were talking about you too"

*･ﾟ:*✧*:･ﾟ*

"nah man you're cheating" the guy across from jimin throws the cards on the table. everyone was cheering jimin who just won a shit load of money.

"can we borrow this chair" a girl with ginger hair taps on the chair next to namjoon. "you can, or you can sit on my lap" he grins

"are you going home early?" taehyung asks yoongi who was already standing up from the table

"ye-" he's interrupted as the girl who was sitting next to him speaks up "why are you leaving? the night just started" she gives her sweet smile

"let's get a drink, somewhere else just the two of us" the ends of his lips curve into a smirk as he lowers himself to her height "what? i didn't hear you" his arm makes its way to her waist as he pulls her up.

"i said lets go somewhere else" bodies up against each other he takes another drink from his cup before walking away with his arm wrapped around her.

his hands sneaked under her dress giving him the chance to grope her ass helping her grind against his thigh as they made out.

kissing along his jaw she worked her way down to his neck ready to mark him but he stops her "no marks" pushing her down on the bed he unbuttons his shirt tossing it onto the floor before pulling the dress over her body. "let's make it quick"

pulling her panties down he positions himself in between her legs, rubbing his thumb on her entrance "look at this" he grins "i didn't even touch you down there yet"

he wasted no time to align himself to her entrance and thrust into her, groaning until he was fully inside her. not giving her any time to adjust he holds her waist thrusting into her without any warning,

"oh fuuuuck" the girl holds onto the bed sheets

she loved how it felt to have his strong hands on her hips as he picked up the pace, he wasn't giving her any time to think of anything but him. the louder she moaned the more harder he went.

"mm fuck, you like that"

"yes, fuckk harder please" she whines as he rubs her clit with his fingers

"fuckk i'm so close" she reaches for his neck as she pulls him down for a kiss. their mouths never leaving each other as he thrusts into her harder and harder each time. she digs her nails onto his back. causing him to grab her hands pinning them over her head. she releases but he fucks her till he's done. filling up the condom he grunts as he thrusts into her a few more times before pulling out.

"shit, that was amazing" she says out of breath

yoongi hums in response as he gets off the bed disposing the condom, he begins to get dressed.

"where are you going?"

without stopping yoongi glances at the naked girl who he was just begging him to fuck her. he grins as he buttons up his shirt "don't tell me this is your first time having a one night stand"

"what?"

"i just wanted to fuck, nothing special is gonna come out of this" and with those last words he grabs his jacket shutting the door behind him as leaves her all alone. walking to the bathroom he freshens up, cleaning the lipstick stains that were decorating his neck.

"fuck it's already late" he groans.

yoongi enters your apartment to find you sitting at your table doing homework "it's almost 3 in the morning why are you still up?" he makes his way towards you

"i could ask you the same" you smile

"jimin had a party, invited me last minute. dude was having too much fun" standing behind you he hugs you from behind. a moment you were suppose to enjoy was ruined before it could begin. your smile became a frown.

"he wasn't the only one having fun" you pull on his arm to push him away, leaving him dumbfounded.

"you smell" you say as you nudge him away some more

"really?"

"yeah" pushing your chair out you pick up your books. closing them since you had finish your work.

"ok? don't tell me your mad?"

"no"

"then? why does it bother you?" grabbing your wrist to stop you from walking to your room he stands behind you "come on y/n" he whines cutely but it wasn't gonna work on me. not today.

"shower when you come back from parties, you smell like a bitch" pulling her hand out of his grip she shuts the door from her room.

*･ﾟ:*✧*:･ﾟ*

today you wanted to do anything but be with yoongi. it made you furious the thought of him being with someone else. you hated it.

"are you not going to school" yoongi says over the phone"

" i have no classes today"

"are you still mad about yesterday"

you sigh, rubbing your temple before answering "i wasn't mad, i'm just sensitive to smell. anyways i got something to do. talk to you later" you hang up the phone not giving him any time to answer.

yoongi raised his brow as you stared at his phone, he wanted to make of you at the way you were acting but he knew it'll only piss you off more.

"bro another place tonight. what do you say?" jimin throws his arm over his shoulder

"i can't"

"why not?" he whines

"i have a cat that gets pissed when i come home with a bitchy scent" shaking jimin off he makes his way to the parking lot.

*･ﾟ:*✧*:･ﾟ*

"i've never been with someone who's dick is so big" she expresses while holding her hands up at a certain length.

"y/n, have you ever had sex with yoongi?" they all stared at you with curious eyes

"i mean you guys are friends, why not" she nudges your arm while giggling.

trying not to show how the question caught you by surprise you scrunch your nose "really guys, i'm eating why do we have to talk about these things" shaking your head as you chuckle they laugh.

looking at your phone you couldn't help but notice yoongi hadn't contacted you all day. usually if you guys would hang out together he'd let you know. the fact that there was no message had two meanings either he was gonna be with the guys or he picked up some needy girl again.

since you didn't have any classes today you decided to spend time with your friends which you don't get to a lot well cause of school or just you being busy chasing after yoongi.

"hey, yoongi just called me asking if we we're together" jihye says as she rushes to catch up to you guys, she had stopped to get some yogurt. "what? why didn't he just call me?" "he said he did call you"

taking out your phone you see five missed calls from yoongi and about 15 messages. "oh" pressing your finger over his contact you call him.

"i know you're mad but at least call me, will ya. you didn't even tell me where you were going" he speaks loudly, letting jihye who was walking along side you hear him very clearly. glancing at jihye you give her a apologetic smile "sorry, i'ma go" you mouth as you point towards the bottom floor. she just nods before catching up to the other girls.

"sorry, i'm at the mall with my friends. I'll head home now" you might be mad at him, but the fact that he's looking for you. like shit you'll waste this chance.

"what mall, i'll go pick you up. it's getting late"

"oh okay, xxx mall. i'll wait for you at the food court we always eat at when we come together"

"alright babe, just wait for me there then" he hangs up without realizing that those simple words gave you butterflies.

"heyy" you give him a smile as he opens the door of the passengers seat for you. rolling his eyes, "don't hey me, you ignored me all day"

"don't be mad, you ignore me too when you're out playing hooky. here i got you a pretzel" you forcefully place the pretzel on his hand as you get into the car "playing hooky? why are you ang-" taking the handle into your hand you pull shut the door before he could even answer.

"i'm not mad" you say once he gets into the car

"yeah sure, i know you are"

"what makes you so sure"

"y/n, i don't like pretzels" he waves it in front of you.

"ohh. right i got confused" taking the pretzel from his hand you bite into it, dumbfounded he blinks before asking "confused? who are you out eating pretzels with?"

you shrug, taking another bite as you try to hold you're laugh back. it was as if he had taken a blow to the stomach he looked offended and confused himself "give me that" he rips the pretzel from your hand as he decides to eat it.

"wait but you sai-"

"shut up" he starts the engine, driving home.

*･ﾟ:*✧*:･ﾟ*

"are you still mad" he says as he tosses the keys onto the bowl. you both decided to eat at his place, while you tried to not laugh at his childish behavior. "no, are you mad?"

"no" he could say no but he looked mad. over a pretzel? "what?"

"nothing"

I don't know how to explain it, but as we looked at each other. Everything else was quiet, there was a tension. made me feel bubbly inside. even if he was still standing at the doorway while i was leading against the sofa we just stared at each other.

clearing his throat as he breaks eye contact he kicks his shoes off "you keep staring, do you want something"

shaking your head in reply before moving towards him slowly. you could hear yourself screaming inside but there was this feeling, and you wanted to take advantage of it. "y/n" he says as you grab his hands "sorry alright, i'll answer your messages" you tell him as you wrap his hands around you before you hug him. not pushing you away he holds onto you.

"lately i feel like everything bothers you"

you only shrug in response, "hey look at me" his hand makes its way under your chin as he lifts your head to look up at him "what"

"whats with you these days, you've been acting weird"

fuck. should i just do this. his lips are inches away from me....what if i ju-

you were pulled back into reality as his phone ranged. but he didn't pick up, his hands never leaving your sides, his eyes never leaving yours. you felt like your knees were going to give out at any minute due to his intense stare. the phone stops ringing, but it didn't end there. before you could even speak up it rings again.

seeing how you had something to say he grabs his phone looking at who was calling. letting you see the name clearly. and you knew it was her.

"you sure you don't want to answer?"

shaking his head he sticks the phone back into his back pocket after muting it. "i'll answer later, first i wanna know what's been bothering you lately. i feel like you're following me around" he chuckles but he was serious.

letting go off him you step back only to have him pull you back into his chest.

"why" is all he says before closing the gap between the two of you. your heart was beating fast and you wondered if he felt it too. "i'm just looking out for you"

"looking out for me?" he raises a brow in confusion

"you go around too much"

"go around?"

"you know what i mean"

what the fuck are you saying,,,,this isn't how it was suppose to be you feel like running away but he had you in his grip.

"you keep getting in my business these days cause you think i go around too much" he says with a sarcastic tone. " i just don't think you should play with people's feelings like that" fuck it if i'm talking might as well talk

letting go, he steps back "what? where is this coming from" of course he's confused. why wouldn't he be? you never cared about things like where he was or who he was with. you never even cared enough to go with him to see his friends or parties. you didn't meet his eyes after he spoke, scoffing at how you were acting he shakes his head "not that it concerns you but who ever i hook up with, isn't really your business"

"you guys are just fuck buddies, how is that healthy at all"

"it's called killing time, they know what they get into when they come to me" he sighs, brushing his hair back "why am i explaining myself to you?" turning around he walks to the bowl to grab his keys "wait" you rush to grab his arm

"what now?"

"if you're just doing it to kill time, then do it with me"

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ

index | next

#min yoongi x reader #yoongi fanfic #yoongi scenerio #yoongi smut #bts smut #namjoonscofeeshop #bts angst #bts college au #bts fluff #bts fake dating

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minniethemoocherda · 9 months ago

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Iridescent: Chapter 17

A/N: Happy Easter!!! Also next update is probably going to be another one-shot so keep an eye out for that! And don't be alarmed if there isn't a new chapter on this fic in three weeks time as it will be a separate story! Xxxxxxxxxx

Ao3

FF.net

Jazz spent the rest of that night in the officers' washracks trying to scrub away the stench of waste and stains of energon.

In the morning, he finally went to see Ratchet who claimed to be lost for words at the fact that he'd somehow been walking around for the past three days with a broken back strut. After proceeding to get yelled at for the next forty-five minutes, Jazz left with a fixed back and ringing audials.

Still, even though Jazz hadn't slept a wink during the night, (what was one more day after staying awake for a week straight?) he didn't regret waiting till the next day to get seen too. If Ratchet had tried to shout at him yesterday, Jazz probably would've stabbed him.

Plus, waiting until the morning to go to the medbay gave Jazz an excuse to check in on a very important patient.

After his examination, he pushed back the curtained of the area that been sectioned off for Bumblebee.

Swaddled in a blanket he looked as small as he had the day they'd rescued him.

Unsuprisigly, Optimus was by his berth side. One servo stroked Bumblebee's helm, the Prime's hand never quite leaving his sparkling's touch.

Optimus didn't even look up as Jazz took a seat besides him. Only the slight nod, of his head acknowledging that someone else was now in the room besides Bumblebee

"How is he?" Jazz asked.

"He is stable." Optimus whispered as though scared that even speaking too loud could accidently cause the unconscious bot further damage. "It was only his throat and jaw that received substantial damage."

"And his voice box?"

Optimus recoiled as though Jazz had just punched him in the face. Jazz watched as his oldest friend took a deep breathe before forcing the next words out of his mouth.

"There was nothing left to fix. And even if there was we would not have had the spare parts to fix it. We will never hear his voice again."

Jazz sunk into the seat. Even though he had been there to witness the event, his brain module still found it hard to process the information.

They both turned their attention back to Bumblebee taking in the the quiet vents of his slumber that mean that he was alive.

With the energon cleaned away, Jazz could now clearly see the extent of the damage for himself. Not only had his throat been ripped off, part of his lower jaw was gone too. Bumblebee was so small that even a dead mech's jaw wouldn't have fit him so instead a miss match of scrap metal had been used to reconstruct it, leaving only a round hole so that he could still drink energon. Jazz didn't doubt that Ratchet had done the best he could. But it didn't change the fact that perhaps the one thing that was worse than never hearing the young scout speak again, was that they would never see him smile.

Jazz couldn't help thinking of everything that had lead to this point. Particularly how he had trained and spared with the young bot growing up, telling himself that it was all in the name of self defence.

"It wasn't your fault." Optimus said because even without the Matrix, he had been one of the few bots able to tell what was on Jazz's mind.

"It wasn't yours either." He told their leader.

Because as Prowl had remined him, Megatron was the one who had done this.

"Megatron has to be stopped." Jazz stated.

"I know." Optimus conceded. Whatever they had been in the past, and frankly Jazz had never wanted to know the details, it was finally over. There was no coming back from this.

That was when for the first time since escaping the Nemeisis, Bumblebee opened his eyes.

Blue light flickered as their optics darted around the room, suddenly widening as they caught something in the shadows that neither of them could see.

Bumblebee thrashed against an imaginary enemy, the machines surrounding him screeching out an alarm as he yanked out the energon drip from his wrist. Optimus leapt to his feet to hold him down but Jazz grabbed him by the shoulder to hold him back.

"Don't." Jazz warned. "Just talk."

Reluctantly Optimus nodded, joining Jazz as they tried their best to soothe Bumblebee down with soft words of reassurance.

Jazz watched as their voices must've have eventually broken through whatever horror Bumblebee was experiencing, as those big blue eyes settled on the bot that he had come to see as his sire.

Bumblebee tried to speak, probably Optimus's name, but all that came out was a static BZZZZZ.

Jazz was powerless to help as Bumblebee clutched his throat, eyes widening once again as he no doubt remembered why he could not talk.

Moments later, he broke down into a fit of static fits, not even able to properly cry.

Jazz finally let go of Optimus's shoulder, letting their Prime lean down to cradle the bot they'd raised into a hug. Bumblebee latched onto him, the claws of his servos digging into the Prime's armour. Not that Optimus appeared to care, as he held his ward's scared face against his spark.

Jazz let the pair be.

The last thing Bumblebee needed right now was for him to be The Fun Uncle.

There was no fun to be had when coming to terms with the fact that your body was broken beyond repair.

Besides, Bumblebee wasn't the only person he owed a visit too today.

It was still early. Most mornings shifts weren't due to start for another hour. But Jazz knew Prowl well enough by now, so he was well aware that the mech would already be up re-reading meeting notes and overanalysing battle plans.

Jazz made his way quickly down the empty corridors to Prowl’s room. He reached up a hand, about to knock on the door when it opened and he had to catch himself from accidently hitting his fellow commander on the chassis.

Immediately Jazz's eyes were drawn to Prowl's wrist. Prowl's self-healing nanites had been hard at work over night and now the crack was barely noticeable. You wouldn't notice it if you weren't looking for it. But Jazz was.

Now Jazz knew that he had done bad things in the name of the greater good and that when this was all over he wouldn't be surprised if Primus condemned him to the pits for it.

But he tried.

He knew what he was capable of and refused to let himself cause harm without a damn good reason.

Injuring Prowl whilst in the middle of a mental breakdown was not a good reason. And he hated himself for it.

"I'm sorry." Jazz said, even though the words felt inadequate for what he wanted to say.

"It doesn't hurt." Prowl reassured him, no doubt having noticed Jazz looking at his wrist.

"That's not the point." Jazz said, his voice coming out as more of a spat than he would usually allow in public. Not that there was much point pretending in front of Prowl anymore when the mech had seen him at his worse.

For once Prowl didn't take the opportunity to argue with him and instead decided to move on to the other cyber-elephant in the room.

"Have you seen Rung?" He asked.

"There's no point." Jazz snorted, his laugh genuine if still slightly bitter. "I already know what's wrong with me."

"But are you doing anything about it?"

Well Jazz had to admit that Prowl had him there. As Jazz struggled to come up with a retort, Prowl continued.

"I don't care if you hate me for telling you this, but you need professional help."

"I know." Jazz couldn't help but sigh. He could feel Prowl's calculating gaze bore into him. The intense look making him feel naked and not in a fun way. At least the bot wasn't looking at him with disgust, or worst pity. Jazz did his best to match his stare. "And I know that you don't care if I hate you but I want you to know that I don’t."

Jazz walked away. The last thing his physical needed today was to hear how much Prowl still despised him. In his haste, he almost missed Prowl's reply.

"I don't hate you either."

#transformers #jazzprowl #optimus prime #bumblebee #jazz #prowl #ratchet #jazz x prowl #prowljazz #transformers jazz #transformers bumblebee #transformers prowl #optimus is bumblebee's dad #bumbelbee is optimus son #transformers rung #rung #mtmte rung #mtmte #megatron

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inbalanceofpower · 6 months ago

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tay's garage.

very(!) important note: all vehicles include an emergency first aid kit, bottled water and all cars include blankets. lots of them (space dependent). but like, probably, at least two. maybe three (space dependent).

cadillac ct4 sedan —

standard features: all-wheel drive, 2l turbo engine, automatic transmission. glossy, summit white exterior, beige interluxe leatherette interior. led headlights. 19" all season tyres; alloy wheels with a contrasted dark, polished finish.

paid extras: all weather floor mats, powered sunroof, clear tail lamps, surround sound 14 speaker audio system. fitted with a (boot area) collapsible organiser and premium, dual pocket back seat organisers (magnetic close).

air freshener scent of choice is cherry vanilla, very sweet and obviously artificial. additionally, the back-middle seat is decorated with a plush, fluffy white pillow. tay's sedan is for everyday use, and naturally, is her most used.

land rover x-dynamic hse defender 90 —

standard features: all wheel drive, 3l engine, automatic transmission. glossy fuji white exterior with a black, contrast roof (and extended black exterior detailing); ebony leather interior. matrix led headlights. 20" all season tyres; diamond turned wheels in a contrasted, glossy dark grey.

paid extras: sliding panoramic roof and rear side glass, solar attenuating windscreen (filters sunlight to reduce heat), 14-way heated/cooling front seats, three-zone climate control (different front/backseat aircon/heating system), gloss black exterior gear carrier, front centre console refrigerator compartment, backseat plug socket.

air freshener scent is clean linen, much easier on the nose for the car's intended use — long drives for holiday destinations in america, and road trips. pillows are available for all passengers, and their drink of choice can be found in the land rover's fridge compartment.

mini cooper s convertible —

standard features: front wheel drive, 2l turbocharged engine, manual transmission. metallic white exterior with a black trim, soft-top roof; carbon black leatherette interior. 17" all season tyres; scissor spoke 2-tone wheels.

paid extras: heated steering wheel (keeps her hands from getting cold).

no air freshener, since it's rare she drives her convertible with the roof up. there is no real reason as to why she owns the car, beyond it being used for fun and girly days out (with rebekah). like the others, the middle backseat has the same style pillow as her sedan, and is there purely as decoration since it's unlikely she'd carry more than one or two passengers.

harley davidson softail standard —

standard features: milwaukee-eight 107 v-twin engine, motorcycle transmission. vivid black exterior, with silver detailing; premium black vinyl seating. led forward headlights. 19" dunlop harley-davidson series tyres, silver wheels. anti-lock braking system installed.

paid extras: enhanced grip on handlebars, and rider and passenger foot pegs. upright sissy bar, with a premium black vinyl backrest. single-sided swingarm bag (storage purposes).

+ scorpion exo 520 evo air —

standard features: gloss white. overall visor lock, for security with a retractable sun visor, anti-fog lens. anti-microbial fabric inner liner (to keep warm, or cool down). breath box. inflatable cheek pad system, for comfort. vent system, to boost breathability.

tay's bike is primarily for extracurricular use, and applies to her hybrid verse exclusively. the same style of helmet is available in black for passengers.

#hc.#i love u car making websites (i can't drive)

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monstrousdanger · 1 year ago

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Everytime i see this post comes around it reminds me of this infamous chicken pocket story my friend likes to tell when he's blasted. I'm going to butcher this story because it happened to a friend of mine but here we go:

My friend went to go see Sucker Punch when they were in high-school with their best friend (we'll call him Trench Coat since he was wearing a matrix style black coat) and a cute girl. Anyways, before the movie they stopped by KFC to grab some food. Trench Coat proceeded to buy the equivalent of a Thanksgiving Dinner from the restaurant, eating only some of it in the food court. My friend and cute girl walked to the bathroom so they never saw what happened to the rest of Trench Coat's feast, but they assumed he chucked it or scorfed it down. Anyways, as they are sitting in the theater watching the movie, Trench Coat gets this look of absolute surprise on his face and reaches into his coat pulling out a chicken sandwich. It was a little weird, but my friend and cute girl laugh. Whatever, dude's hungry. Another 20 minutes pass and Trench Coat pats down his pockets and pulls a box of fries from an inner pocket. Okay fine, fries to go with the burger, no big deal. 10 minutes later he pulls out a box of chicken nuggets. About midway through the film he fishes a box of popcorn chicken from the inside of his jacket. By this point, cute girl is barely watching the movie. Instead she's watching Trench Coat continue to pull out chicken from his pockets like its the fucking bag from the Mary Poppins movie. Cute girl reaches her limit when he pulls out the remainder of his bucket of chicken. He has wrapped each piece in a greasy napkin and stuffed them into every pocket on his body. She turns to my friend and basically screams "If he pulls out one more piece of chicken from his pockets, I'm out." Well, turns out she didn't have to leave. Shortly after consuming what amounts to the weight of a small child of chicken he had to run to the bathroom. He didn't return to his seat until the credits were rolling.

So there you go Burger Warrior, you have a friend in Chicken Trenchcoat.

snuck in 4 burgers to creed 3. Couldve easily done more

#story #stories #funny #meme #heritage post

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topload-rationality-brands · 4 months ago

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The Quest For The Most Rational Offshore Fishing Boat.

Selecting the most rational offshore fishing boat requires balancing durability, stability, safety, practicality, comfort, fuel efficiency, ease of maintenance, and adaptability.

When comparing boats from 2015-2017, several standout models emerge, including the American-made Century 2300 Centre Console and Australian alternatives like the Haines Hunter 675 Offshore, Bar Crusher 670C, Stacer 759 Ocean Ranger, and Quintrex 650 Trident.

The Century 2300 Centre Console excels in build quality and stability, featuring a 20° deadrise at the transom for a smooth ride.

It offers practical features like wrap-around bow seating, integrated tackle storage, and dual fish boxes. The boat's leaning post and freshwater shower add comfort for long fishing trips.

Australian alternatives bring their own strengths to the table. The Haines Hunter 675 Offshore boasts a foam-filled floor and structural safety matrix for enhanced durability. Its truncated cabin and optional fiberglass crash helmet provide shelter during harsh conditions.

The Bar Crusher 670C stands out with its deep-V hull and innovative Quickflow® water ballast system, ensuring stability in rough waters.

Its fully enclosed hardtop offers protection from the elements, making it suitable for all-weather fishing.

The Stacer 759 Ocean Ranger features a robust 5mm plate bottom and spacious layout, accommodating up to seven people.

This versatility makes it ideal for both serious fishing and leisure activities.

The Quintrex 650 Trident impresses with its Millennium Blade Hull, offering a smooth ride in choppy waters. It seamlessly transitions between a fishing vessel and a family-friendly boat, featuring comfortable seating and a swim platform.

When choosing a rational fishing boat, consider your specific needs, fishing style, and budget. Evaluate factors such as storage capacity, fishing amenities, comfort features, and fuel efficiency.

The Century 2300 Centre Console excels in high-tech fishing equipment, while Australian alternatives often focus on comfort and versatile storage solutions.

Ultimately, the most rational boat is one that aligns with your fishing aspirations and enhances your overall boating experience.

By carefully considering these factors and conducting a thorough cost-benefit analysis, you can invest in a boat that provides long-term value and countless memorable moments on the water.

Remember, buying a quality boat with quality equipment upfront can save money in the long run, ensuring your family fishing boat brings joy rather than financial stress.

To learn more and read my article in full, here is the link: The Quest For The Most Rational Offshore Fishing Boat (toploadbrands.com)

#rational policy #rational leadership #rationality #rational thought #rational living #rational thinking #rationalism #rationalization

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themovieblogonline · 7 months ago

Link

#BoxOffice #FuriosaAMadMaxSaga #TheFallGuy

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scarlettriot · 3 years ago

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Breaking Point - Intimacy

Pairing: Hockey Player Eijiro Kirishima x f!Reader

Warnings: Swearing, discussions of sex and intimacy (implied mention of non-consensual sex), minors DNI, body image problems, body objectification mentions.

Contains: Fluff, if you watch/like fairy tail you might be in for a fun surprise

Summary: Dinner, hair dye, and discussions of intimacy in a bathroom. Good times.

WC: 3,326

A/N: Part two of the Breaking Point series. Friendly reminder that this is a quirkless AU, all main characters are at least sophomores in college. Thanks <3

Other Parts Below:

Breaking Point - Part One - Locked Out

Breaking Point - Part ? - Do More (This is just out-of-order smut for the time being)

After asking a handful of times if there was anything he could help you with, the man you offered dinner to finally took a seat on one of the two stools in your kitchen, watching as you poured all the ingredients together and brought the stove to a simmer.

"So, what's it supposed to look like?" You asked, gesturing to his orange hair.

"Red."

"What kind of red?"

"Bright red, like, fruit punch."

You gave the dinner a quick stir and told him you'd be back in a moment. It didn't take you long to find your box of miscellaneous hair dye you kept tucked away in the bottom of your closet.

"I've got this. Not sure if it's the right shade but..." You held up the tube of Matrix dye. "It's not a lot but I bet it'd cover your head just fine."

If you thought his small grin was cute, his full-blown smile was more than enough to make you grin back. "This is actually exactly what I use! You're sure you don't mind? I can pay you for it."

"That's not necessary. Don't worry about it."

Except, he did look worried about it. "You've been really nice. Letting me shower, offering dinner, and now this... I don't feel right accepting all these things and not repaying you in some way." He set the tube down on the counter, insisting he could just wait until his roommates let him back in.

You thought for a moment before settling on, "We can call it even if you can get me down an extra bowl from that top shelf so I don't have to go climbing." He stood with no hesitation and was able to reach the additional bowls with no effort at all.

"Too easy. We aren't nearly even."

"Then maybe you could tell me your name?" You scooped the dinner into the bowls he'd gathered.

"Shit." He muttered, "You let me in here, been so nice and-and I didn't- I'm so sorry! I'm Eijiro Kirishima." He offered you his hand but you just handed him a full bowl of food with a smile instead.

"You don't have to be sorry, Kirishima. I never told you mine either." You led him to the small dining table, telling him yours in return. There were only two chairs and the top of the table was filled with textbooks, binders, and your laptop which probably needed to be charged.

Quickly scrambling to clear some room, Kirishima took your bowl wordlessly so you could use both hands. Setting them both down when space was available and taking a seat in one of the chairs that look entirely too small for him to actually be comfortable.

"Y/N." He spoke your name after you both were seated, rolling it around like an experiment on his tongue and you weren't too sure if you were willing to admit how good it sounded coming from him. "It's nice to meet you, Y/N." You responded in kind but then quickly dug into dinner. "Still aren't even though, if anything, us introducing ourselves just cancels each other out."

Eventually, you agreed over dinner that you would think of something he could do to repay the kindness and let him know but for the time being, he'd drop the subject, and effortlessly dove into another. "So, why the extensive dye collection?'

"I just like changing my hair when the mood strikes me, even this is new." You twirled the end of your own freshly dyed hair. "The red was for a convention I went to over the summer. I really didn't wanna buy a wig." And you certainly didn't regret it since the heat during the con had been scorching on its own, a wig would have been horrible.

A smile spread across his face. "You cosplay?" It took you a beat but you gave a single nod of confirmation. It wasn't that you were ashamed to admit how much you loved going to conventions and dressing up but you were hesitant to talk about it with people you didn't know well. Too many people were critics with harsh beliefs, or loved to make fun of body types in cosplay or, a personal favorite, enjoyed objectifying those in the cosplays.

Kirishima laughed but not in a judgemental kind of way. "I've been going to conventions since I was twelve, I usually cosplay as the comic book hero Crimson Riot but I had to change it up last year 'cause I accidentally bought a bottle of dye... pastel pink. I literally had my shoes back on ready to buy the right color when my friend reminded me of the con later in the week. I dunno if you want anime but we went as Natsu and Grey from-"

"From Fairy Tail." You couldn't help the grin as you plucked the framed photo that stood proudly next to your TV handing it over to him. Huddled together in front of the large hotel stairs, you and two of your closest friends, Setsuna and Nejire were all smooching faces against Nejire's little sister. "We were supposed to have a Lucy too but our friend had a family emergency."

"This is amazing though! You must have spent forever on that Erza armor!"

"I was pretty proud of it."

"And this little kid looks like they're having the time of their lives. Little wings too."

"Hado," You pointed out the woman cosplaying Mirajane, "That's her little sister. She begged and begged to go and we finally let her. This was her first convention."

"So, is costume design what you wanna do then? Your major, I mean."

You set the picture back in its rightful place and gathered the empty bowls while explaining, "Nope, it's just a hobby. My goal is to eventually be a counselor for school-aged children. I'm a psych major." Kirishima hurried after you, insisting on washing the dishes while you put away leftovers.

"Hey me too! But, I wanna go into social work eventually. What courses are you in this semester?"

"Well, for psychology specifically I'm taking social and personality on Mondays and Wednesdays and then-"

"Developmental on Tuesdays and Thursdays at noon, right? I thought you looked familiar! I'm in social and developmental with you."

Shit, he was? The classes were massive lectures and you really didn't pay much attention to anyone in them. "Don't feel bad. We have what, like 75 people in each?" He grabbed the tube of dye from the counter and changed the subject again. "You're sure you don't mind me doing this here? I know it's gettin' kinda late..."

"I'm staying up until my roomie gets home anyways and I have no idea when that'll be. It's not a big deal, really. But, I am a little curious, why are you locked out?"

He rubbed the back of his neck with a nervous laugh. "Well, you see, I uh, got a little mad." You'd only known Kirishima for about an hour now but it was odd to imagine him as anything more than a little annoyed. "I have this math test coming up and I'm shit at the subject. So, I locked myself in my room to study, threw the bleach on my head, and got to work. And then my roommates decided to have their significant others over. They're not a quiet bunch. I asked nicely for them to keep it down, I asked nicely again, and the third time I wasn't so nice. They sorta shoved me out the front door and locked it."

You gathered a couple more old towels and laid them out on the black and white tile of your bathroom floor while he finished his story, "That's kinda harsh. You were just trying to study." Grabbed the developer and started mixing the proper amounts of each into a bowl.

"It's probably because they don't think I'm actually studying. Their idea of it is cramming three hours before an exam and anyone who does it differently is just wasting their time. I barely made it through my first year like that."

"Your friends seem like jerks."

He shrugged. "They are but they're my jerks." You motioned for him to sit on the edge of the tub while you finished stirring the goopy mixture together.

There was going to be barely enough room for the both of you to fit in the bathroom but with him sitting, you bet you could make it work.

"Oh no! You've done so much already! You're not gonna actually put the color on too, I can do that!"

"But... I really like dying people's hair." It was true, you found it very relaxing, but Kirishima's shoulders were ridged. His back went instantly straight and it was painfully obvious how uncomfortable he was with the very idea, "But I shouldn't have assumed that would be okay." You added in a hurry. "I'm really sorry about that. I'll, uh, be out in the living room when you're done." You left the bowl of dye on the counter and left the room without another word, kicking yourself nearly the whole way down the hall.

>>><<<

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

You muttered while putting away the box of hair products back in your closet under your row of shoes. Re-shelving the things you'd knocked over in your haste earlier.

You busied yourself further by scrolling through your phone, anything you could do to distract yourself from the awkward situation down the hall! Then an idea popped into your head. You opened the text chain between your best friend and roomie. The last message received this morning at 10:47 AM:

Suka: Gonna try to be home by 9.

You: Yay! Dinner?

Suka: If you're cooking, I'll never turn it down.

It was nearing midnight and there was still no word from her. You tried to call but it rang through to voicemail and so you pulled up the texts again.

You: Still coming back tonight? I made your fav. Gimme a heads up and I'll make sure it's warm for ya!

"Y/N?" Kirishima's voice carried through the apartment and you were almost too nervous to go see what he needed but, with your gathered courage, you slipped your phone into your back pocket and went to the bathroom door.

"Yea?" You stood at a comfortable distance in the hall.

"I always have a problem getting my roots totally covered and you said you like dying hair so I thought that maybe you could just check and see if I got them? It's hard when it's your own head, ya know?" His posture was still too stiff for your liking but he was the one asking.

Kirishima managed to just it mostly covered, clearly, this wasn't his first time dying his hair but there were a few spots that could be better saturated. You took up the brush and painted the color before running your fingers through his hair just to make sure nothing else was missed, nearly breathing a sigh of relief when his shoulders finally relaxed.

You didn't have gloves, meaning your hands were going to be stained a wonderful shade of pink for the next couple of days but that didn't really bother you. You brushed back some of his hair away from his forehead and froze.

A throaty moan bubbled out from Kirishima making your hands instantly still in his hair and his fly to cover his mouth. You had no idea it was even possible for a guy as large as him to look so flustered, so utterly embarrassed.

"Y/N! Fucking hell! I'm so sorry. I didn't -"

"I didn't realize, Kirishima! Shit! I'm really sor-"

"- make it fuckin' awkward. That's why I didn't know if I should let you in the first place but ya look so sad -"

Both of you paused your rambled apologies, cheeks as red as the dye on his head, and then simultaneously busted out laughing.

"Okay, okay," You were starting to catch your breath again, "I think you're all covered but I wanna make sure it's off your face, is it okay if I do that?"

His throat bobbed and shoulders went tight again but, "Yeah, I'll, uh, be more careful this time. 'M really sorry again."

"It really doesn't bother me, Kirishima, I promise. I don't take it personally."

You took up a washcloth and started to clean up around his ears and neck where the dye had touched his skin. "I barely let anyone mess with my hair 'cause of it." He admitted, "Feels so nice but, damn, it's embarrassing."

"Can I be blunt?" He gave you permission. You explained about the spa trip you'd gone on with your friends when you were sixteen, how it was your very first time getting a massage, "This woman's hands dug into my back and I made a noise that was so unbelievably suggestive, I was mortified!" He chuckled, "Yeah, now it's funny, but sixteen-year-old me was in a panic! The masseuse was kind though, she told me we cannot help what makes us feel good and that the difference is in the intent." He craned his neck back while you wiped his forehead, watching you closely, "My intent is just to dye your hair, that doesn't change the fact you like your hair played with though. You can let out a moan and enjoy the feel of it but it's far different than if I was doing it for... intimate reasons."

"Can I be blunt?" He was still looking up at you when you gave him the okay, "This feels kinda intimate."

"Of course it does!" You smiled at the pink washing over his cheeks again. "You're being vulnerable, sitting in my bathroom with my hands all in your hair! But, you're obviously comfortable and relaxed to some extent, which, thank you? Ha. Something can be intimate without being sexual. If it makes you any better, I'd feel the same if the roles were reversed."

"But, intimacy is a part of sex..."

You weren't too sure if that was a statement or a question but responded the only way you knew how. "Yeah, that's not always true. It's really sweet you think that way though." Kirishima furrowed his brow as if to say he didn't understand. "Alright, what do you believe intimacy to be, Kirishima?"

He thought for a moment, carefully choosing his words, "I think it's a feeling of closeness and or familiarity to a person, place, or situation."

"Right. So, if you and I, two people who are arguably a tad more than strangers, fucked right now, how would that be intimate?"

Pink rapidly turned bright red at your suggestion but that didn't stop him from adding to the scenario, swinging his legs around so he was facing you now while you leaned over the tub to wash your hands. "Because it is an act of being close, of gaining that familiarity and learning about someone on a deeper level."

You backed up, coming to rest on the closed toilet, knees bumping against his. "And what if it wasn't wanted?"

"But why would- oh." It seemed what you were leading to finally sank in. "It all depends on intent." Circling back around to your original point.

"Exactly."

"Well," He gave a half-hearted chuckle, "It's the weekend and I'm still learning new things."

Your phone chiming was a welcomed distraction to clear the awkwardness out of the room. You pulled it from your pocket with still wet hands. "Everything okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, sorta. My roommate has been having some family stuff going on. She was supposed to be back tonight but she's just now leaving, it's like a two-hour drive and she's just letting me know. I don't really like sleeping when I know someones suppose to be home but they aren't."

He nodded, looking down at his feet, "But, come on, you've got forty minutes on that, and sitting on the tub's edge the whole time will just give you a sore back." You held your hands out to help him up, "I know from experience."

>>><<<

"They aren't gonna leave you locked out all night, are they?"

It was close to two in the morning. Kirishima had time to wash the dye from his hair and even dry it. Lucky man didn't even have any breakage from the bleach though he insisted he had you to thank for that.

Now you two sat on your sofa, a faded blue but still so damn comfortable Itsuka refused to get rid of it and you couldn't blame her. A bowl of popcorn separated you two watching a randomly selected episode of Fairy Tail though neither of you were paying much attention. Too busy chatting about classes and other various (more light-heart than the bathroom) topics.

He'd gone to check on his roommates once after his hair was washed and again after your first episode of the show. Both times, you stood in your own doorway watching to see if he'd be granted access and both times he came moseying back like a lost puppy, an apology on his lips for taking up more of your time.

You'd even given him your phone to try and call them but they weren't responding to that either.

Kirishima was going to make it up to you somehow, he promised that at least a dozen times now, he just didn't know how yet.

"Probably not. Unless they fell asleep and just left the door locked which could have happened. If, whenever you kick me out they still aren't opening up, I'll just go over to a buddy's or my cousin's house and crash on his sofa for the night. No big deal."

"It's already two though, are they going to still be awake?"

"Probably not." He laughed, "One likes to go to sleep as early as possible so, he'd probably threaten to blast my face off or something if I wake him up and my cousin, well, he's had a long weekend helping his girlfriend out back in her hometown. If he's back, he's probably dead tired."

"Well, if for some reason they don't-"

"No." He cut you off.

"No what!"

"Listen, I've known you for," He glanced at the green numbers of your clock, "Four-ish hours now, and that's plenty of time for me to know you're way too kind a person for your own good! You're gonna say if they don't let you stay, just come back here."

You folded your arms and put on a pretend pout. "And what would be so wrong with that? Have a not been a good host thus far?"

"You've been a magnificent host thus far! Really! And have I mentioned how thankful I am? Because I really am! But, I can't actually stay the night. I feel like that's crossing a line that I just shouldn't do."

"And I can't let you just have no place to sleep for the night! What kinda friend would I be if I let you do that?"

He stared at you for a minute, a slow grin tugging at the corners of his mouth, "Friend huh?"

"I mean, I guess, what kind of person would I be?"

"No, no, friends, I'd like that."

"Friends then."

Both your heads turned when a key turned in your deadbolt. About damn time Itsuka got home! You'd already started reheating dinner for her just in case she was hungry even though you assumed she would probably head straight for the shower and then off to bed.

"Hey, babe! How was the drive?"

Her backpack fell to the ground with a heavy thud and she flipped her copper ponytail over her shoulder.

"Long, boring, there's nothing good on the radio after midnight." She complained and then finally looked up. You were ready to introduce Kirishima, your new friend but,

"Kendo?"

"Kiri?"

It would seem they were already acquainted.

#mha #bnha #mha x reader #mha x y/n #kirishima #eijiro kirishima #kirishima fluff #kirishima smut #kirishima eijirou #kirishima x reader

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idanwyn-et-al · 2 years ago

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(XIV||22-20): Anon.

(Continued from here.) (♪ - you know I had to do it to ‘em.)

"A heartbeat without harmony is moonlight without dark. The heart seeketh equilibrium; With balance will your worry part,

So still this broken melody, and therewith, shoulder thee one last step, only leaving an empty hearth down by the sea.”

--”Equilibrium”, Michael-Christopher ‘Koji’ Fox.

When Oakmoss awoke after a full twelve bells of deathlike slumber, she was surprised to see Miovont still snoring beside her. They had asked naught of one another save for shared warmth and camaraderie, then fallen asleep amid gentle banter; apparently a ‘canary’ was different from a ‘cannery’, though the words still sounded too similar for her liking. Lips brushed together like sunflower-yellow feathers; that was a good way to help her remember the difference.

“Is it customary where you’re from to give someone a goodnight kiss?”

“No. But now I will have to give tju one in return. Szo that the szcales will tip in my favor; szo that I will have to find tju again to right the balance.”

Restorative though Miovont’s company had been, she was still largely a solitary creature, both by nature and nurture. Oakmoss was less-than-conscientious with her morning routine; splashing and singing off-key in the waters that flowed beneath the ruins she called home, dressing in heavy robes and cascades of chiming amulets. By the time she settled into the tattered leather seat at her desk, the Dark Knight was awake and clothed. The pair exchanged a few words about how, all things considered, it really had been quite a fulfilling adventure. After informing her that Fotiá had recorded everything that had transpired while she was beholden to Master Sari’s directive, he gave her left shoulder one gentle squeeze in farewell. His footsteps echoed within the temple ruins, then quieted as aether carried him back to whichever one of his many duties demanded his presence this day.

To have Fotiá record her in the SJAGA state...it was ingenious. She was embarrassed that she hadn’t thought to do so before. Summoning the recalcitrant eidolon forth, she took careful notes of all it displayed for her on an aetheric screen of sunset gold. The Kotelleloix family’s Kulix Sacrae, created by a High Allagan explorer who had seen similar vessels in their travels to Meracydia. Experimentation on the original corrupting its delicate matrix, causing the loss of a filter that would keep its varied contents discrete even as it allowed for controlled mixtures. Late Allagan magi deciding to use the imperfect vessel as the prototype for all other kylixes forged within the facility. Three hundred years past, a mysterious figure stealing one of these inexact copies from within the forge.

No wonder he had been so effusive with his praise. Her ability to tap into Master Sari’s perfect Allagan-wide defense systems had given him information that he would’ve been hard-pressed to find anywhere else.

Dismissing Fotiá after a failed attempt to teach it Thavnairian Rat Screw---her efforts repaid with a few singe marks on the back of her right hand from its overeager slaps---she turned her attention to her hoard of a desk. Rummaging through its many piles eventually rewarded her with an oxidized copper box containing mostly-clean and mostly-blank pieces of parchment, stuck to coordinating envelopes with what she hoped was agave sap. Smelled similar enough, anyway. Taking a moment to distill her best Common from the noble rot of her mind, Oakmoss began to write.

A bell passed within the cluttered ruins, the sun wending its way through the firmament, bright rays half-obscured by heavy-bellied clouds brushing fog through the Black Shroud. Leaf-shaded light dappled the Veena Viera when she emerged, her canny aethersense guiding her to a node that was perfectly balanced between astral Wind and umbral Water. Two nimble hops saw her feet land securely on a mossy rock, and there she waited for the messenger. Once the road sparrow was comfortable enough to approach her outstretched hand, it landed, and she breathed gentle golden fire within the creature. A temporary enchantment familiar to these birds that travelled between summoner clans; an extension of her will that would fade once its task had been completed.

Oakmoss, once of Kisne, sometimes called Sorrel, Woodear, Plum, Sjaga, Jessamine, Lotus, watched the road sparrow take flight. A small willow-twig basket of letters was tethered to its left leg, augmented to feel as light as the enchantment that guided it onward. As a patch of fog swallowed its retreating form, she allowed herself a moment’s peace. Before long, she would be on the run again; enacting the Balance that her Goddess demanded, no matter the cost to her person or her psyche. For now, though, she could take her ease; a Viera content to be alone in the thorny wood.

---

Pavi--

I would meet with you presently, should you have the desire to do so. I have made quite the discovery in that cave you followed me to. I believe what lies within may be beneficial to both of our Deities.

--[A brand depecting the forest lichen oakmoss, with two of its branching tendrils extended into long green rabbit ears.]

---

Savo and Erah’sae--

At your earliest convenience, I would meet with you in a place of your choosing. The elementals have not seen fit to exile me from the Shroud permanently, but I understand if you prefer to meet somewhere else. As extra incentive, I will offer you each a three-card reading, and a guided vision quest if desired, gratin gratis. ((Gratin is mostly-obscured by a doodle of a slice of cheese.))

--[A brand depecting the forest lichen oakmoss, with two of its branching tendrils extended into long green rabbit ears. This one has little mushrooms and what appear to be minor arcana cards scribbled around the ‘signature’.]

---

Miovont--

Thank you for everything. After some time alone, I would be happy to lend my aid to you again. A spiral may never be in perfect balance, but ere long, it grows to accommodate inexact oaths.

--[A brand depecting the lichen, oakmoss, with two of its branching tendrils extended into long green rabbit ears. This brand includes a little yellow bird between the rabbit ears, and a discarded tin can complete with a rough-edged open top drawn to its side.] ---

To the Captain and First Mate of the Free Trader Nixie--

I believe I can help you uncover the memories that encase your ship’s ghost. There will be a price for all involved. You may speak with your ‘Cabin Boy’, Miovont, as to my qualifications; Rinh also may be willing to vouch for my expertise, if not my trustworthiness. If you are interested, I can make myself available to you anon.

--Oakmoss Vithsyna. [A brand depicting her summoner’s horn, in profile.]

---

((OOC Notes & Mentions: Yeeeeah used anon and some synonyms in all the letters :’D. This concludes Oakmoss’s ten-part story, and holy crap, I have never written this many lengthy entries for the XIV Write challenge, especially not as part of a continuous story and in conjunction with related RP. If you’ve read these, you have my gratitude, and I truly hope that you’ll reach out for RP if you’re interested; an offer that goes for all of my characters, of course! Anne-Sophie’s story starts tomorrow! This post mentions @bough-waker who is awesome, and I’m excited to RP with her again. Same for @savothesewercat and @erahsae-ffxiv ! The rest don’t have tumblrs, so far as I know, but I’ll bug them all the same.))

#FFxivWrite2022 #my writing #Oakmoss Vithsyna #Miovont Kotelleloix #rp snippets #XIV Write 22 Oakmoss Story #viera #duskwight #ffxiv summoner #O glorious Allag lost #and Meracydia still dreams #Prompt 20 #Anon #Pavi Maalhi #Savo Kesslivang #Erah'sae Zhwan #I am DEAD my brain is FRIED

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a-mag-a-day · 2 years ago

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MAG 75 - baking in the kitchen (apple something)

"My brother Grant was always afraid of heights. I remember we used to climb trees as children. He would always get scared halfway up, and it would be an hour of coaxing and reassurance before he managed to climb down. He still tried to climb them, though." - I'm the same. I always wanted to climb trees, it looked fun! But at 2 meter up tops I would get scared. Looking down already gave me vertigo and I felt, as though I suddenly lost every sense of balance. Same on ladders.

"Stairs were often more of a problem, especially if there were windows from which he could see the ground getting further away." - As long as the stairs are properly closed off, I don't have a problem. If it's just a railing to put your hands on I'll probably try to stay as far from the edge as possible. I get a lot of intrusive thoughts as soon as I'm somewhere high up with only a railing… It's just like the railway bridge in episode 5 of I Am In Eskew. I'm technically not afraid of heights then, I'm afraid of my own mind.

"I mean, it’s not that I don’t love him or anything, he’s my brother, it’s just that we’d always got on best when we spent most of our time apart." - I don't get (equal) relationships like that, when the focus is on "most of the time apart". I totally get that there are friends you dearly love but just wouldn't want as a roommate, or wouldn't want to spend vacation with. Living together (even if it's only for a week like the vacation example) is something entirely different. But, saying you get along best when most time apart? Why bother? What actually is this "getting along" then? (I get, that this is often something that's referred to family members. When there is a sense of "I have to do something with that person once in a while because we're related". But even then? When there's no reason to interact with that person?)

"Normally I would have reminded him that leaving a window open invites burglars" - on a scale of burglars to librarians, what would Mike Crew be? xD

"I’d love to say that next thing I knew I was on the ground with a broken arm, but I remember every second of that fall. Like it was happening in slow motion." - Oh, there we have the Matrix Effect again, as someone told me it was called in an earlier ask.

"My phone had been smashed in the fall, and when I asked Grant to use his, he got very quiet and told me sheepishly that it, like his keys, was still inside the house." - Who lets their phone at home when going out?? Even in 2006! XD

"I did not invite Grant, which you would have thought would make him think twice about coming with me, but you’d be wrong. As soon as I mentioned it to him, he was online checking if there were any more seats on my flight. There were." - Oh the disappointment, the contempt even at "There were". Also wtf this is so super out of line to just invite yourself like that.

"Then he kept bugging me to change my hotel booking to a twin room until I finally relented and did so. Every time I mentioned something I was planning to do he would invite himself along, generally getting me to arrange it and saying he’d pay me back." - I know someone like this, but hey are also a master of gaslighting so I cut ties. Grant though doesn't sound manipulative or malicious in any kind. He sound just naive. Guess it makes it even more a tragedy for the statement-giver to blame himself. It probably would have been easier to rationalize if he somehow thought his brother deserved it. (Though I'd be careful with this. Certain fates you don't wish your worst enemy.)

"I think that’s why I decided to take him up Tour Montparnasse." - So I googled that building because I also have no idea what that is. The rooftop observation terrace is actually well secured, there's not only a metal railing but a glass box surrounding you when you stand near the barrier. I would probably feel proper uncomfortable standing there, but not totally lost since there is no physical way for me to get over that barrier.

That part with the text messages, the picture and what the statement-giver heard when his call went through is really cool again. I love unlogical spaces like this with no escape (and by love I mean in that way of fascination for horror. I wouldn't actually love being in that situation xD).

"I really hope Grant is dead. Because, if not, I have a horrible feeling deep inside that he’s still on that ladder." - I like the moral dilemma of that statement. The guilt of the statement-giver about something happening that totally was out of his control, but it still happened because of his actions. Who would have thought it could have such dire consequences. Very similar to Jon's arc…

"but it also puts me in mind of the fate of Robert Kelly, the skydiver who fell for far longer than he…" - There a significant change of recording at "the skydiver who fell for far longer than he…". I wonder what happened here? Because these statements surely are never simply in one take, there are always cuts. So why does this one sound so different all of a sudden? Also Jon here making the connection between Crew and Fairchild.

The circumstances of Jon receiving all tapes from Basira are great! Oftentimes you can feel that some things just HAD to happen in order for the story to progress with no other reason behind it. While Jon getting access to all the tapes was still something that needed to happen, it does feel natural and relatable. Basira is angry that the police is so careless and blatantly lying to cover everything up. The police probably also doesn't care about the tapes so Basira takes them to someone who does care. It's like Jon says. The police lost Basira's loyalty. And by the time they notice the tapes gone, it's probably just fine by them. One less weird thing to deal with.

I'll be honest, I'm not sure I'd be able to handle that kind of brother in my life any better than the statement giver did 😬

#a mag a day #tma #the magnus archives #episode asks #mod ashes #tma spoilers #lycanlovingvampyre #mag 75

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subjectsix · 3 years ago

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dylan fic wip

For who among us has touched the foundations of this world and deemed them solid?

The quote looms over Dylan, golden and glimmering, set into deep dark marble.

He stretches to his tiptoes, perched on the cement planter in Central Research, craning to see the quote from a different angle.

‘Dr. Theodore Ash Jr.’ reads the credit at the bottom, just out of reach of the scientists milling about, heading back to their desks or to run papers or find seating in the cafeteria.

He learned a lot about Bureau history when he was a kid. He read through stacks and stacks of redacted files and dot-matrix printer pages full of outdated terms and names of old people he never met. The Ashes sure came up a lot, surrounded by an alarming amount of red tape and black boxes.

Never once did he learn why the Ash Act was named after one of them.

He’s not sure he ever learned what happened to Ash Jr., either.

He’s certain he doesn’t want some act, or wing, or memorial named after him. Keep Six and Dylan Faden from being engraved, etched, or immortalized anywhere in this building, thank you.

#fic wip fic wip #kips writing #dylan faden #control 2019 #theodore ash jr

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yamithediaperdork · 3 years ago

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Baby bird and Super daddy (DC)

it was Friday afternoon and school was out which only meant one thing for a group of young sidekicks: it was time to haul their butts to San Francisco and more to the point to Titans tower.

Oddly though one member of the titans wasn't getting his normal ride from Gotham to the tower with his mentor Batman, AKA Bruce Wayne but inside had been picked up in Smallvile by his surrogate big brother Nightwing who was also giving a ride to Kon-el, AKA Superboy.

Sulking and pouting in his costume, Robin AKA Tim drake was blushing and his bottom looked a little more puffy then normal, but only a expert would know to look and see it.. so Naturally Dick had.

"So I'm not one to judge, I mean, I've know you and Kon where hooking up for awhile." Dick said, smirking and while he kept a eye on the controls of his aircraft, he made sure to steal looks back at the blushing big time Tim who had been tugged into Kon's lap. And of course Kon was smirking.

"but I just need to know, Is my little brother from anther mother in huggies because you two are kinky, or Kon needs to stop topping for awhile?"

"DICK!" Tim shrieked and whined, burying his face in Kon's shoulder and whining.

"He tried to make me his little guy, needless to say it backfired." Kon chuckled, and rubbed Tim's back and patted the boys bottom, a faint crinkling being heard only by Kon due to his super hearing over the dim of the plane.

"Oh, I HAVE to hear more..but before that.. I think I have a juice box or two if the little guy is thirsty." Dick offered.

"Dickkkkkk!" Tim whined and pouted, shooting daggers though his mask.

"Well he is a thirsty bitch, but he had a big ba-ba of fresh milk before we left." Kon chuckled.

"Hate you both." Tim whined and tried to squirm out of Kon's lap, but he was a boy of tissue in a boy of steel's grip, and wasn't going anywhere.

As Dick chuckled, Kon reached into Tim's belt and pulled out a superman logo pacifier and popped it in the boy wonders mouth and rocked him, and in seconds Tim had gone night night and Kon was free to tell the story.

Tim had pleaded and begged to hang out with Kon-el for the two days he had off from school back in Gotham (the staff was recovering from the latest attack by a bat rouge, Riddler this time.)

Bruce had tried to say the time could be used to help out with Gotham but after getting Alfred on his side it had only taken anther half hour before Bruce was dropping Tim off by the Kent farm, commenting on how much extra baggage he had taken with him for just going there for Thursday and Friday (Tim had spare clothes at titans tower)

Tim had come up with a excuse that he might help on the farm and didn't wanna end up smelling like cow dropping and Bruce had let it go.

Superboy of course who's X-ray vision was coming and going at this point had been able to spot right away was was in the extra luggage and just smirked to himself.

The Kent's of course knew without being told that Tim and Kon were dating, Connor just wouldn't shut up about him and they were practically all over each other calling it rough housing.

"If that's what you kids these days call it. Take it out to the barn." Was all Pa said, not looking up from his newspaper.

Once out in the barn, Tim went right to work turning on the puppy dog eyes and kissing Kon's neck and blowing in his ear, things that drove the boy of steel wild.

"Koooon, I have a hawt idea we should try out." Tim said in his 'I'm so cute you can't refuse me' voice which normally had Kon wrapped around Tim's little finger.

However forewarned Kon was ready and kept his control in place, though asked what Tim wanted to try out.

"Well have you ever heard of diaper punishment or age play?" Tim had asked, opening the luggage and holding up a teen sized diaper with little bat symbols on it and holding it out, grinning ear to ear.

Kon however, returned that grin with his own and played along, though not like Tim had expected.

"oh I see, You wanna be my little baby bird! Cute! and you even got bat diapers! Adorable!" Kon gushed as Tim's jaw dropped.

"W-What? No! I-" Tim started, blushing bright red.

"Ohhh I've heard of this, you're gonna act like you don't want it so you can be a pouty little boy while enjoying your diapie wipies~" Kon chuckled, dashing up and snatching the diaper from the smaller boys hands and planting a smooch on him, tongue dominating Tim's mouth and feeling the fight go out of Tim for a second.

he also felt the boy wonder less then wonderful hard on press against his leg and broke off the kiss.

"well I think that answers whether or not you want daddy Kon to make you a good little baby bird." Kon said.

"I what.. No! I was gonna.. you were gonna.." Tim whined, flustered and trying to will away his hard-on, but but there was no amount of zen training with Batman that was going to make the boy wonder's stiffie vanish.

"Oh look, you have a paddle, and some baby outfits.. paci's and ba-ba's..Damn you must REALLY wanna just be a helpless little diaper dork huh sweetie?" Kon was saying, looking though all the supplies tat had been meant for him and super warming up to the idea of babying Tim.

There was even a pair of jean overalls with crotch snaps so a certain diaper boy could work on the farm!

"and look at all these diapers! Somebody plans on making LOTS of presents for his super daddy huh?" Kon added.

"NO I DO NOT! THAT WAS ALL MEANT FOR YOU!" Tim whined and stomped a foot, hands balled in fists and at his sides.

Sadly, this did nothing to help his argument.

"Baby bird, that's enough of the attuide. You need to take off your big boy clothes and lay down so I can get you in a diapie or else mister man." Kon said, smirking but trying to have a authoritative tone, picking up the paddle.

"YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS!" Tim yelled.

Sadly as it turned out for Tim's poor soon to be bright red backside, Kon had the balls and more.

On a scale of 1 to 10, Kon guessed the effort he had put into the spanking (and being nice enough not to use the paddle too!) was about a 3 or 4, but from the howls and sobs that had escaped the soon to be pampered sidekick, you'd of sworn he had gone all out.

'Man, either full on humans are more fragile then I thought, or Tim just can't take a spanking!' Kon mused as he cleaned up the puddle that the boy wonder had made during his ten swats, and let's just say it wasn't urine. 'Though for someone who's sobbing so much with his nose in the corner..'

"Baby bird, you're gonna wake up half of Smallville with that sobbing, I'm gonna need you to tone it down or I'll have to get creative with gagging you." Kon called over sweetly.

Tim, with pants gone and butt glowing bright red from the spanking and having his hands on the back of his head turned around from the corner and moved his mouth as if to argue, then apparently thought better of it and meekly nodded his head.

"I-I'll try.." Robin sniffled and whined, any trace of him trying to be dom had left his body when he'd creamed himself from being spanked.

"I could give you one of your paci's, but you have to promise to be a very good boy and not spit it out, I'll just pop it back into your mouth anyways." Kon offered.

Looking around the dirty floor of the barn, Tim made a icky face and nodded he could be good and opened his mouth for the customed Superman paci, with the large oversized rubber nipple making Tim start to drool down his chin in seconds.

"it's too bag you didn't pack a enema kit, I bet you have the CUTEST 'i'm pooping!' face baby bird!" Kon commented, having laid most of the items out on his bed and chuckling at the whimper that escaped from Tim.

"Shucks, and Pa and ma Kent kicked us out to the barn for the night.. I know ma has a nice big one. Ah well, there's always tomorrow." Kon chuckled and shrugged.

Tim gave a series of muffled protests around the paci turning a little pale at the thought of getting a massive soapy enema while Kon and the Kent had breakfast, though it was also making him get a little excited.

"Hmmm? Oh I see someone likes the idea~ thats great! I'm sure Ma and Pa won't mind having a baby around the house." Kon laughed.

Tim whined and wanted to argue, wanted to take out the paci and say no way in hell,m but his body betrayed him again and he made anther puddle instead.

"Sheesh, You must be backed up like crazy.. Better get you pampered before you paint the walls."

"Wait, did he really cream himself again just from-" Nightwing asked, snickering and glad he'd switched to auto pilot for this.

"NO I didn't!" Tim whined and huffed, squirming in his seat.

"Baby bird, what did I tell you about telling fibs?" Kon warned wagging a finger at the smaller boy.

"...OK maybe I did.. But it's not my fault! you know how hard it is to crank one out at the mansion since Alfred doesn't approve!!" Tim whined and sulked,

"Actually back in my day Alfred just left me tissues and Lotion and a note asking I keep my voice down." Dick chuckled, though he blushed a little as he recalled it.

"That's SO unfair!!" Tim whined and huffed.

"Don't worry about it baby bird. now that you'll be my little guy at least once a week I'll make sure you're never backed up again." Kon teased and kissed Tim's forehead.

"My hero.." Tim huffed. "Just finish the poopie story."

To say the Kent's were a little shocked the next morning when A clearly diapered Tim was lead over, sucking on a paci and dressed to go to work in the field would of been a understatement, but as the human couple that had raised Superman from babyhood to adult, Had been the home of Matrix while she was still adjusting to life on this earth and were now looking after Kon,,they got over the shock rather quickly.

If anything, Kon had called it and Ma Kent dotted on baby Tim right away, though to Kon's disappointment (and maybe Tim's) she turned down the idea of giving Tim a enema for fun.

"Those are just in case the widdle cutie is all backed up!" she scolded Kon, who pouted a little but backed down.

Breakfast was egg's and bacon for the Kent's and Kon, and a bowl of oatmeal for widdle Timmy who (thankfully!) was too big to fit in Kal's old highchair, but they did have a booster seat he was put into and had one of Kal's old bibs tied around his neck.

"You know, after we get the farm work done, we could go into the wood shop and likely make him a high chair." Pa mused.

"W-What?" Tim asked, his spoon dropping into the bland icky oatmeal.

"Oh, get idea pa! Think we could make him a crib too?" Kon asked, grinning ear to ear.

"I don't see why not. Just a shame Most of Clark's old stuffies didn't make it." Pa chuckled.

"heh, I can help with that. I've been making teddy bears for the church to sell so I think I could make our new widdle great grandson one or two. Do you want a teddy bear Timmy?" Ma asked and reached over, using the bib to wipe a spot of oatmeal off of Tim's face.

"I...I..I.." Tim whimpered and squirmed like crazy in the high chair, suddenly thankful that Kon was the only one with hearing good enough to heard what he was doing to the front of his diapers, though Kon just smirked.

"Trust me Ma, he does."

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tbzhours · 4 years ago

Text

crush points

jacob x you, college au, basketball player au, fluff

[summary] imagine falling for jacob aka your roommate’s hs friend… couldn’t be you, right? [words] 2.4k [a/n] i had so much fun writing this, i hope you like it ♡

Juyeon came running into your shared dorm while you were studying in your room, shouting your name as if you were twenty feet away. He has been your roommate since your first year together and you were never bothered by the loud noises he makes, especially when he’s watching his sports games. Rolling into your third year together, you were already used to him that when he opened your bedroom door, he sighed in disappointment.

“Seriously?” He said when he saw your back facing him. You didn’t have any classes on Fridays that you would always choose to study instead of resting. He shook his head when you turned your head back from reading your textbook. “Why are you still studying?”

“What do you want?” You asked nonchalantly, a pen still in your hand.

“Remember how I always tell you about taking breaks?” Juyeon sighed, pointing a finger at you. He sounded very demanding when he answered, “Well, you need to take a break, like right now.”

“Why?” You asked as soon as he started to walk toward you.

He still looked disappointed but he smiled, looking at your confused look before he took your hand and pulled you out of your room. “I know just a place.”

It was a basketball game that Juyeon dragged you out for. You knew he was always gone to watch your university’s games on most nights but you weren’t really the one to join him. It wasn’t just your thing but the thrill of walking into the arena suddenly tugged at your chest that you might change your mind.

The crowd was big and your eyes were still widened at the new sight. Juyeon almost lost you when he turned back and found you standing still in place. He chuckled and patted your shoulder to follow him.

You both found your seats and he started to tell you about how a basketball works. All you knew was that you had to throw the ball at the opposite end to make a point… or two. There was so much to take in from his talking that you held up your drink that you bought when you both got in, and pushed the straw into his mouth.

“There, that’s better.” You commented, a smirk following.

Juyeon took a sip and chuckled in excitement. “Isn’t this better than staying in your room studying like there’s no tomorrow?”

“I got a exam next week.”

“You can’t spare two hours for a game?” He pouted but he quickly changed the subject and went back to smiling. That was because he’s enjoying this. He loves watching sports games that you could read it all over his face. “Besides, all of my other friends didn’t have time to come watch Jacob play today so you were the last resort.”

“So I’m basically on standby, for you, just in case, huh?” You exaggerated, pausing at some of your words.

Juyeon was still smiling when pointed his chin at you. “I think you’ll like this.”

You groaned, crossing your arms and leaned back onto your seat. The crowd was getting bigger that you had to lean close to him to ask, “Besides, who’s Jacob?”

“He’s one of my best friends from high school. I mentioned him before but he plays for our school. Check him out, he’s number 30.” Juyeon turned to the court where both basketball teams were stretching and getting ready to play.

You followed where his eyes went and you spotted Jacob in a red headband. One of his teammates passed him the ball and he smiled into a grin. He said something to his teammate then he started to dribble the ball into a hesitant technique. The way he moved felt playful as you watched, not listening to a thing Juyeon was saying about what happened in gym class back in high school with Jacob.

Jacob was laughing after he stopped and held onto the ball with his arm to his side. His teammate patted his back and walked away to rest at their team’s bench area behind him as Jacob turned your way. That was when you both met eyes. You blushed as if you just got caught staring. His eyes were slightly widened. You could almost see the sparkles in them when he smiled and waved with his arm in the air. That was when you realized Juyeon had been standing up with his long arms in the air too, waving back at Jacob with that stupid grin on his face.

Before the game started, you had the chance to look around the room, watching how people cheer for their teams. You thought it was nice to see the teams wave at their supporters and cheer back with them. Maybe you could try it next time since you hadn’t gone to a game in such a long time. You’d probably make an excuse that you forgot how to cheer if anyone ever asked.

You kept that thought in your mind as the game started. You couldn’t keep your eyes off of Jacob because he played so well. He was good at passing the ball to a teammate that you thought he was doing matrix. It was even crazier to you when he threw the ball at the three-point line. How was that even possible? Is he an angel or something? His hair kept bouncing too and you thought he looked cool on the court.

As the game went on, you became more comfortable in cheering with Juyeon beside you. He kept standing up to cheer and for a few times, he turned to you with his excited face whenever Jacob’s team made a score. You rolled your eyes but you couldn’t help to feel the thrill running through your body with everyone else.

When the game ended, Juyeon made you wait near the door by the court with him. He wanted to see Jacob before you both go back. Jacob finally came by and they both did their handshake and bumped shoulders like bros.

“Man, Jacob, you really killed it on the court. How is it even possible to score more than half of the score?” Juyeon shook his head in surprise. “You must be a pro.”

“I told you it takes years of practice.” Jacob shrugged.

“You might as well join the NBA.” Juyeon suggested though he was just playing around.

“Nice one.” Jacob laughed and patted his back, then his eyes turned to you. He smiled and asked, “Who could this be?”

“Oh, this is my roommate, (Y/N). They needed a break so I thought a game would be good.” Juyeon chuckled, ignoring your invisible glare. “Hey, (Y/N), this is Jacob.”

Jacob was still looking at you that your face began to heat up again. You shyly smiled back at him before he greeted, “It’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too. Juyeon talks about you a lot but it’s funny that I don’t see you around campus.” You commented, giving a look at Juyeon before a tiny laugh slipped from your lips. “Your game was amazing by the way.”

“Thanks. I hope to see you at my games more.”

Your heart was beating faster at his words. Suddenly, he had to leave so he quickly bidded his goodbyes to you both and walked away. You could almost promise him his hope when Juyeon finally got your attention to go back to your shared dorm.

A few days went by and you hadn’t seen Jacob since. You knew because you checked your school’s sports schedules and he didn’t have any games scheduled for the following week.

As you ate cereal in the morning, checking the schedule again, Juyeon walked by. He was wearing some sweats and an opened sweater over his plain shirt. He greeted you good morning like the usual and took out a bowl from the cabinet to join you.

“Where are you going?” You asked then you made a guess. “Play basketball with a friend?”

“Yep. It’s Jacob.” He filled in as he set the cereal box behind you where he found it.

You remembered him always going out in the morning to play basketball before his afternoon classes but it just crossed your mind that ‘that friend’ had been Jacob all this time.

You choked on your cereal and Juyeon quickly patted your back, trying not to laugh.

“Are you okay?” He asked, hiding his smile with his other hand. You nodded then he took a bite of his breakfast when you stopped coughing.

“Can I join you?” You suddenly asked then it was Juyeon’s turn to choke on his cereal.

You decided to join the two while studying. Juyeon thought it was weird for you to be doing that while watching them play. You convinced him that you liked his idea of going out for breaks but he thought it was funny because taking a break means no studying.

As you studied, the two played basketball. Jacob had asked Juyeon why you’re here if you’re not going to play. You didn’t hear him but you did feel a little awkward sitting on the ground at the side of court with your notebook on your lap. You kept your eyes down until Jacob walked over.

He contemplated over and over about asking you directly but since he was standing in front of you already, he might as well ask. Juyeon practiced by himself as Jacob beamed his lips at you.

“Why are you here and not playing?” He asked. His lips were pouting a little and your eyes just had to look at them.

You sighed, eyes looking around to find the words. You smiled and lied quickly, “I’m waiting for Juyeon. I’m just waiting for him to finish because he has to get me something.”

“Oh, really?” Jacob was confused but he nodded. “What is it?”

That was when Juyeon walked over too, because he heard his name.

“Well, uhh, it’s just-”

“Hey, Jacob. You still playing?” Juyeon interrupted. He flashed an innocent smile at you. “Or is there something going on here?”

“N-nothing is going on here, except you still own me some slushies at the campus cafe. Right, Juyeon?” You smiled awkwardly at the two, in panic mode. You tilted your head and blinked a few times at Juyeon to play along.

Juyeon, of course, could read your face. Instead of agreeing with you, he grinned widely and pointed at you with nothing coming out of his mouth. He shook his head to the side, holding in his laugh because of how obvious you looked.

Jacob giggled, looking at you both with his head turning going back and forth, then he asked, “A slushie sounds good right now.”

You went to watch Jacob’s games again, all with Juyeon as always but this time you went alone because Juyeon had to meet with a few classmates for a group project for one of his classes. You’d like to believe him but Juyeon did tell you that this could be your chance to tell Jacob.

“Tell him what?” You had asked.

“You already know.” Juyeon had teased before he left your dorm.

You got to know Jacob a little more each time you came out to watch him or join some of Juyeon’s outing adventures but you shook your head. You sighed then you looked at the court where all of the basketball players were getting ready for the game. Jacob had noticed you getting lost in your thoughts and wondered what’s making you think so much. He was nervous all of sudden and he hoped you’d look at him so he could do well in today’s game.

When you finally caught his eyes, Jacob smiled and waved at you from the bench. You didn’t hesitate to wave back.

When the game was over and his team won again, you were excited to tell him all about how amazing he was on the court, but once you saw him waiting for you by the door where you’d always meet after the game, you felt awkward walking up to him. Maybe it was because Juyeon wasn’t there and it was just you both but your heart was telling you otherwise.

You both were walking side-by-side as you both headed out. You were complimenting him between what you saw on the court. He was smiling but he wasn’t saying much when it got quiet.

“Anyway,” You started, trying to change the subject. “Why didn’t you join your team for an eat out celebration?”

When you turned to look at him, he was already looking at you. His eyes didn’t leave yours at all that you could almost see the moon blooming in them. You couldn’t tell what they were trying to say at all but you hoped it would lead to you confessing to him.

Jacob’s lips slowly curved into a soft smile. You could tell he must be thinking a lot too because it was still quiet and he wasn’t answering your question. He took a small sigh and finally replied, “Because I wanted to be with you.”

You gasped and looked forward quickly. “Did Juyeon tell you?”

“Tell me what?” Jacob laughed, surprised at your response. “That you like me?”

You nodded. “Yeah, wait-” You shook your head at him, trying not to make it so obvious. “I mean no- what?”

“I really like seeing you at my games and I get excited whenever Juyeon mentions you.” You both stopped in your own tracks and he sighed, hiding his hands in his pockets. “I’ve been meaning to ask this too. Do you want to play some basketball with me? I can teach you too if you’d like.”

You were lost in his eyes and smiled as you gave him your answer.

Once you both got to your dorm, Juyeon didn’t know Jacob would be over.

Juyeon didn’t realize you came back with him and asked, “Hey, Jacob. You still want to play ball tomorrow morning?”

“No, I can’t. I have a date there tomorrow so you can’t come.” Jacob shrugged with a sweet smile.

You walked into the kitchen for some water when Juyeon glanced at you. He shook his head and groaned in surprise though there was a huge grin on his face. You and Jacob shared glances as he set his index finger over his lips.

#the boyz #the boyz scenarios #the boyz imagines #tbznetwork #deobiwritersnet #jacob #tbz #tbz scenarios #tbz imagines #bae jacob #bae joonyoung #college au #basketball au #fluff #juyeon

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jusvibbbin · 4 years ago

Text

Act like a Human

Phlox x Reader

//For my friend yet again @the-sleepy-sheep

//Read her work @starfleet-jelly

Life on the Enterprise was often full of excitement and adventure. But even out in the final frontier, there were mellow days. On one such day, you were heading towards sick bay to visit your resident Denobulan. It had been a few days since you had seen him, and from what you heard he’d barely left his work space. You often assisted with his animals, being the xenobiologist you were but he hadn’t called to see you in quite some time. Your curiosity was beyond peaked as you got closer to sickbay.

The doors swished open when you pressed the button, and the sound of waltz music drifted out into the corridor. You looked around and not seeing the doctor, you walked behind the wall built in the middle of the room. The music was coming from the console on the counter and as you rounded the corner, you were greeted with a spectacular sight.

The renowned Doctor Phlox was dancing. It looked like a traditional waltz, only he was completely alone. You only had a few seconds before he turned to face you and hastily shut off the music. You stifled your chuckle with a cough and walked back around the wall. After a moment Phlox appeared, looking more than a little embarrassed.

“Ahem, (Y/N), I would appreciate your utmost discretion with what you just saw,” Phlox said quickly.

You smiled at him saying, “Of course, doc. But why were you dancing?”

His eyes refused to meet yours as his hands fidgeted awkwardly. You waved your hand and started to walk out.

“That’s alright. I don’t want to pry into… whatever it is you’re doing.” You pressed the button to open the door and strolled out. This was far from over.

A couple days later you saw Phlox sitting with Hoshi in the mess hall. You grabbed your tray and took a seat at their table. Hoshi continued their conversation, barely giving you a wave as she prattled on about something.

But the doctor looked immediately uncomfortable with your presence and started to eat faster so he could leave. There was a small pause in talking so you jumped in.

“Doctor, I would love to hear more about your experiment,” you said, a smirk on your face. Phlox’s eyes went wide and he was about to say something when the Captain’s voice interjected from above.

“All senior staff to the bridge.”

You heard Phlox mumble, “Saved by the bell,” and he and Hoshi took their leave. As they walked away, and you started to eat, you heard Hoshi question the doctor on his experiment. He shot a look back at you before they disappeared into the corridor.

You had messed with the doctor before. He was easy to joke around with and was often carefree when they were sometimes at his expense. But this time he really did seem offended when you poked fun at him. You felt bad.

So to make up for it, you snuck into the kitchen and made him one of your favorites: Tres Leches. It took about two hours but your hard work paid off. It looked delicious. You had finished pretty late but you knew Phlox would be up.

You carefully walked to sickbay, thankful there were less people to run into than normal.

You walked into the mostly darkened room, the only light coming from a few of Phlox’s pet cages. You set the dessert on a table and looked around for the doctor. After a moment, he came out from where his private quarters were, jumping slightly when he saw you.

“(Y/N)! You scared me,” he chuckled as he walked over. His eyes fell on the Tres Leches and he looked at you confused.

You rubbed your arm and avoided his gaze.

“I just wanted to apologize for, sort of, bringing up what I saw the other day. I didn’t realize how important it was to you so I’m sorry.”

Phlox looked surprised and you felt more and more embarrassed.

“Well, enjoy!” you said, quickly turning and walking to the door.

You were halfway out when Phlox called to you.

“Wait, maybe you can help me with my… experiment.”

You turned back to him and he gave you a slightly more relaxed smile. You walked back over to him and he handed you a PADD with a list on it. You read it, occasionally looking up at him with confusion.

“What’s this for Phlox?”

He smiled sheepishly. “I’ve noticed that the crew here seem to be much more comfortable with my presence than some of my colleagues in San Francisco. I figured it would be good to learn some more human activities, customs and history.”

“And you want my help to check off this list?” you asked, smiling at some of the things he had written.

“If you wouldn’t mind. Some of them are a bit difficult to do alone,” he said, a small blush appearing on his face. At least it looked like he was blushing, you couldn’t be sure with alien physiology.

“I’d love to! What’s first?”

The next few days your off-duty hours were spent with the ship’s doctor. You cooked some authentic earth foods (pasta, burgers, pizza, you name it!) in your quarters, occasionally swiping from the kitchen. Once each meal was cooked, you watched some classic earth cinema. While Trip’s movie nights were fun, he didn’t really deviate from movies he enjoyed. So you compiled a list of movies that were beloved at the time of their release. Everything from the Matrix to Snow White, and Phlox liked almost all of them.

But the most fun you had was when you spent an evening trying on earth clothes from other eras. The 40s suits, the 70s hot pants, and the 90s denim on denim; all of it looked ridiculous on the hanger and on the two of you. The amount of laughter that echoed through your quarters was immeasurable.

You showed Phlox lots of weird earth sports and the odd things humans did in greeting, passing or in celebration. He found the high-five to be particularly strange, but by the end of the night you two had a secret handshake.

The list had gotten incredibly small and you soon found yourselves back to what started your odd little hangouts.

Dancing.

Phlox had told you that while the Denobulans had many lovers and were a tight-knit race, they did not usually show appreciation for one another with physical affection. The idea of dancing was completely foreign to him.

“Dancing is just, dancing,” you said. “I don’t know how else to think of it! You just kind of feel the music, you know?”

He looked at you, quite puzzled.

“I’ll show you,” you exclaimed as you looked through the computer to find a playlist of yours. Once you found a song with a fast enough beat, you began to dance. You weren’t good or bad, more so focused on the feel of it than the technicality. Phlox simply watched in fascination as you bumped along to the music.

When the song started to change to another one you said, “Try it!”

He looked a bit uncomfortable but he moved over to the open space you had made in sickbay and attempted to copy you. You laughed and he soon joined you, realizing how silly you both looked. After a couple songs you were both exhausted from dancing and laughing at one another.

The song changed once again, to something slower and softer. A waltz. You looked over at the Denobulan and smiled, offering your hand.

“How would you like to try it with a partner?”

You were surprised when he grabbed your hand and quickly pulled you flush against him, positioning both your hands to make the frame. He seemed to shock himself as well since he paused after doing so, looking at you, searching for some kind of objection. He found none.

Gently you both began to sway to the music, eyes never leaving each other.

His box step was pretty good from all that practice and he was amused every time you stepped on his feet. The song ended all too quickly, but neither of you let go.

You put your hands on his chest and leaned your head against his neck. Phlox ran a hand gently up and down your back. His other hand came up to lift your chin.

“May I?” he asked gently.

You nodded and he quickly captured your lips. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him closer. After a moment he pulled away and you looked up at him, smiling. You touched his cheek softly, and he smiled at you.

“This is my favorite human custom,” he said as he kissed you again.

Tag List: @elen-aranel @livenerdyandprosper

#star trek #star trek enterprise #star trek ent #phlox #dr phlox #phlox x reader #request #oneshot

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riversofmars · 4 years ago

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The Doctor and her friends try to escape a deadly trap as Dorium’s bar and the planet burn up. Meanwhile, River is continuing her research into the Timeless Child...

Chapter 5: The Pieces Are Moving

The Maldovarium, 52nd Century

The sun was blazing down and Dorium’s bar, built mostly from metal, was heating up even faster than the surface of the planet. The sun was growing bigger in the sky, it was getting closer.

“The Master must have found so much more in the Matrix than he led on.“ The Doctor pressed through gritted teeth as she considered how this was possible. “This is like the Time Lords of old, able to wheeled so much power… what they became in the Time War… he wasn’t there in the final days to know the horror…“ She mumbled, trying her best to prioritise her thoughts. Time was changing around them. They were in grave danger. There was no time to wonder how the Master had accomplished this, there was any number of ways he could have done it and finding out which it was would not help save them. She looked around back to her friends who awaited an explanation.

“You shouldn’t have come. This is far too dangerous for you.“ The Doctor realised, slowly shaking her head. “He knew I’d come here. Perhaps a Matrix prediction… it’s a game and he’s one step ahead of us at every turn.“ Her mind was reeling but they had more immediate concerns. The sun above the planet was growing closer, they appeared to be heading towards it and the temperature kept rising. “Dorium, do you have a way off this planet?“ She asked and stepped into his line of vision.

“I’m nothing if not well prepared, Doctor, there is a shuttle for emergencies outside, but we can’t just abandon my bar, this is my life’s work!“ Dorium protested. “What is happening out there?“

“If you don’t get out of here right now, you won’t have a life.“ The Doctor interrupted him. “One of you will have to carry him. Get to his ship.“ The Doctor gestured towards the box and Yaz complied while Jenny rushed to support her wife who looked as though she was about to faint. Vastra’s body couldn’t regulate its temperature at all. Yaz and Jenny seemed to have trouble breathing the hot air and even Strax was beginning to show signs of struggling as beads of sweat formed on his head.

“But Doctor…“ Yaz wanted to protest, trying her best to hold Dorium’s head level.

“This planet is being dragged into that sun, get off world and quickly.“ The Doctor shut down any protest and glanced out of the window again. The sun continued to grow bigger and the temperature inside the bar was becoming unbearable. They didn’t have time to argue. She could sense that this was only the beginning.

“But we have the TARDIS, can’t we just…“ Jenny jumped in but the Doctor interrupted her:

“No you don’t. I need to find the Master and I’m doing it by myself, it’s far too dangerous.“ She looked around, assessing what she had to work with. “Get off this planet, I’ll be in touch and pick you up to take you home but right now, I need to find him. He is messing with the fabric of time itself and while you’re close to me, you will be in danger!“ She explained hastily and rushed to a computer terminal in the corner.

“Doctor, you can’t.“ Vastra protested weakly.

“A Sontaran does not run away!“ Strax exclaimed, outraged.

“Whatever we’re doing, can we do it now? It is really very stuffy in this box!“ Dorium called from his box.

“We’re coming with you.“ Yaz insisted but the Doctor shook her head.

“No, you’re not.“ She stated and sonic-ed the computer terminal. A teleport beam engulfed her friends.

——

Shuttle outside the Madovarium, 52nd Century

“Ugh! That insufferable man! Woman!“ Vastra collapsed onto the floor as they found themselves in a shuttle. The temperature was bearable, the insulation for space travel was far superior to the bar, but temperatures were rising even in here.

“I hate to be the bringer of bad news but unless we leave this planet right now, we will be fried, and I’m lacking hands to operate the controls.“ Dorium realised the Doctor had managed to engaged his emergency evacuation teleport. He was glad to have spent the money. It wasn’t like he could have walked anywhere in the event of a disaster and it had proven a sound investment already. “So if you wouldn’t mind.“ He glanced to controls, having no better means of pointing.

“How do we fly it?“ Yaz sat his box down by the controls hoping for instructions. She pushed her anger at the Doctor’s actions aside in favour of getting off the planet in one piece first.

“Step aside. A Sontaran can operate any kind of combat vehicle. Strap in. Someone secure the head.“ Strax instructed pushing her aside.

“We can’t just go without her.“ Jenny launched a weak protest as Strax started the engines. He engaged the shields and the temperature dropped significantly, allowing them all to breath more easily.

“It seems we have very little choice, my dear.“ Vastra replied weakly, as her wife helped her to her to a seat. “She will come to her senses.“ She had been the Doctor’s friend long enough to know that they couldn’t change their mind by force.

“Unless she gets herself killed first.“ Yaz huffed as they launched and shot off into the atmosphere, away from the planet that was hurling towards its doom. Below, the Maldovarium caught fire.

——

The Maldovarium, 52nd Century

The Doctor checked the computer console. Her friends had reached the shuttle and set off. Good. Step one. She looked around herself, the building had just caught fire. The temperature was still rising. Judging by its speed, she calculated she probably had about seven minutes: three minutes until the air would be too hot to breath and she would have to use her respiratory bypass, five until her skin would start to blister and seven until her core temperature would rise so high that the proteins in her body would break up and she would die. She’d have to work quickly.

Her fingers flew over the keyboard on the computer terminal as she pulled up the security camera footage of the last five minutes. Good old Dorium, of course he wanted his establishment well protected. She fast forwarded through it and there it was: one moment, everyone was having a lovely time, the next blazing sunlight streamed into the bar and the customers disappeared into thin air. Some screamed, some just looked confused, but they all vanished. Time was being rewritten. They had never come here because the planet was not where it had been. So the planet had moved, not the star.

She wondered how far back the footage would go. Would it go back far enough to show who brought Dorium back here? Unlikely. He’d probably had to rebuild and set up everything anew upon his return. She had about a minute of breathable air left and she was struggling already. She looked around, the TARDIS was in the other room, she would need a minute to get there at least and above her, thick smoke started gathering. She would have to feel her way forward at this stage. Her mind was racing. Any clues she would find here, she’d have to find now or they would be lost forever. She couldn’t think. The moment had passed and the air had become too hot to breathe.

“Think, Doctor, think!“ She snapped with her last proper breath, she ground her teeth. When I arrange for your death, I expect you to stay dead. The Master’s words echoed through her head. Nothing was gained if she she risked her life chasing after clues that probably weren’t there. The Master was too clever to leave traces; which begged several questions: why would he reveal himself to Dorium; why allow him to see his face, knowing a description would point her straight towards him? Arrogance? Was he trying to taunt her? Or did he just not care? Did he think he was so far ahead of her, that it wouldn’t matter? Something about this didn’t feel right. She had to get back to her TARDIS before the fire bared her way. The skin in her hands was starting to go red and raw.

——

Space, 52nd Century

“That was a close call…“ Jenny breathed a sigh of relief when they cleared the gravitational pull of the planetoid and the sun alike. It wasn’t a moment too soon, the planet was beginning to burn as it hurdled closer and closer to the sun.

“How was that even possible? You can’t just move a planet…“ Yaz shook her head in disbelief as she watched the destruction on the monitors.

“You and I might not be able to… but anything is possible, given time…“ Dorium mused.

“The Master is a dangerous foe but this does appear beyond the capabilities they have displayed so far.“ Vastra sat in the copilot’s seat as she recovered, her body temperature normalising.

“Maybe he’s not working by himself…“ Yaz mused. “Last time we saw him, he’d allied himself with the Cybermen… maybe he realises he can’t do it by himself… Maybe he’s found new friends.“

“A sound stratagem.“ Strax commented.

“What do we do now?“ Jenny asked. They had retreated to a safe distance nearing the outskirts the solar system but they had yet to determine a new destination.

“Wait for her to come and pick us up?“ Yaz suggested half-heartedly, she didn’t believe the Doctor actually would be back so soon but she decided to try and be optimistic.

“We have no way of knowing when that would be. Besides, we don’t know if she will even be successful in her endeavour.“ Vastra retorted matter-of-factly.

“Then what do we do?“ Jenny asked, feeling at a loss. They all so desperately wanted to help but the Doctor had cut them off.

“We have hyper speed travel, yes?“ Vastra turned to Dorium who was watching the screens, looking melancholy at the loss of his life’s work.

“State of the art systems, I only purchased it last week, what a shame, the hull is all blackened…“ He sighed, pulled out of his thoughts.

“We made a promise to the Professor to look after her child and so far, we’ve failed. We will carry on, even without the Doctor.“ Vastra decided, pulling herself up. “Perhaps we will find whoever is responsible faster than the Doctor weighed down by her hunger for revenge…“

“Excellent. It would be most disappointing if we were to miss out on the fight and the opportunity for a glorious death.“ Strax announced with glee.

“Where do we start?“ Yaz asked, nonplussed. She couldn’t help but feel abandoned by the Doctor, and so soon after her previous disappearance. She was, however, glad for the company she found herself in. If she was going to be stranded in the far future without means of time travel, an ancient lizard woman, a potato-headed warrior, a Victorian maid and a blue head in a box seemed like appropriate company. “Where could the Master possibly be? Would he have taken the child with him or maybe he’s got a base and people who work for him? Or maybe, this is the Master earlier in his time stream? Maybe to him, the destruction of Gallifrey hasn’t happened yet…“ All the questions were becoming overwhelming. It seemed like an insurmountable task, particularly without the Doctor at hand.

“We can’t discount any possibilities.“ Vastra agreed. “We are rather more limited with our means of travel but there is one point of interest in this time period. Somewhere where the Doctor is stubbornly refusing to look.“ She had given it some thought and a plan was forming in her head.

“Where?“ Jenny asked and her wife smiled:

“The Library, of course. Professor Song might be able to tell us where to start looking.“ She nodded decisively and turned to Strax to provide coordinates for their destination. “And if nothing else, she deserves to know the truth.“

——

The TARDIS

The Doctor slammed shut the doors to her TARDIS. She took a deep breath, fresh oxygen reawakening her senses. She rushed to the console. As sturdy as the TARDIS was protected by it’s shields, she didn’t want to tests its limits by staying on this doomed planetoid any longer than she needed to. She ran a final scan, searching for the shuttle her friends had escaped in, and noticed with relief that it was just clearing the solar system. They were safe. Safer than they would be had they stayed with her. Content - if not happy - with her decision, as she launched the TARDIS into the time vortex.

The Doctor gave a sigh of relief once she had left the Maldovarium behind. She stepped away from the console but didn’t get very far. As her adrenaline levels normalised, she felt weak and became aware of how close she had come to reaching her physical limits. She struggled out of her coat that was singed in places and sank to the floor, trying to catch her breath. Her hearts hammered in her chest, her hair was sticking to her head with sweat, her hands and face were red and raw. She had to pause for a moment, gather herself, before she could carry on. The TARDIS circled around the vortex waiting for coordinates, buying her time by staying where time didn't pass.

“Perhaps I just need a moment… maybe some after-sun…“ The Doctor mumbled to the TARDIS that hummed and wheezed in response, almost scolding her for having been reckless.

The Doctor didn’t like stopping, even for a moment. Those where the times when she had time to think and those things that she had been trying to avoid, those feelings she had been pushing down, had an opportunity to catch up with her. She was in no way closer to finding her son. In the absence of her friends she allowed herself a moment of weakness. The tears stung on her burnt skin of her cheeks. What would the Master want with her son, apart from torture and hurt her? He was being used as a pawn against her. She would make the Master pay for this.

Slowly, she got to her feat. Unsteadily, she staggered back to the console, deciding on her course of action. She wouldn’t be able to properly rest until she had found her child so she had to keep going. For now, the Master was her best lead. It was time to see the destruction she had left behind as she had fled Gallifrey. If the Master had found a way to escape death, she would find answers there.

——

The Library, 52nd Century

“Someone is having you on. Whatever it’s meant to be, the Timeless Child, it doesn’t exist.“ Anita closed the book she’d been reading and pinched the bridge of her nose. She couldn’t focus anymore. “There is no reference to it. Anywhere. Are you sure that’s the phrase we’re looking for?“

“I’m certain of it.“ River confirmed but couldn’t deny she was getting frustrated as well. They had been at it for days now. Or was it weeks? River was starting to lose track of time. And they had nothing to show for it. Initially, River had enjoyed finding stories about the Doctor’s past; adventures she didn’t know about that she hadn’t been part of. It had been entertaining for a while, as were the essays written about her and the Doctor. Who would have thought they would become such a popular subject matter for students at River’s alma mater?

“Well, it’s not mentioned anywhere.“ Anita sighed, leaning back into the cushions of the sofa. “How did you learn about al this anyway?“ She hadn’t pressed River for information so far but it seemed about time.

“Those words, those exact words, the Timeless Child… Dorium was so sure that’s what it was.“ River closed the book she was reading as well. It was time to stop.

“Well, maybe he got it wrong.“ Anita shrugged.

“Maybe…“ River couldn’t deny that it was possible. In her head she recounted the message Dorium had sent her. He had mentioned a Time Lord giving him the information, as if it would give weight to it. Since he hadn’t given a name, part of River had believed that it might have been the Doctor himself. Perhaps he was keeping his identity hidden for any number of reasons; most likely not to interfere with his own timeline… But now she wasn’t so sure.

There were other Time Lords out there. The Master. The Corsair… From what the Doctor had told her in their time on Darillium, Gallifrey was still out there. Not just the Gallifrey of the past, before the Time War that River had visited not so long ago. Gallifrey had never been destroyed in the final days of the War, just hidden away in a bubble universe at the end of time. Maybe they were starting to emerge again, taking a few tentative steps back into the universe but why now? Why this? Were they maybe just trying to mess with her? Or the Doctor? Had all this just been a pointless goose chase and she had walked right to her death on a fool’s errand? She shook her head to herself. No. There was something else, something she couldn’t quite remember. It was right there at the edge of her mind.

“How long have you been at this?“ Anita asked, breaking the silence.

“I don’t know, you tell me, I’m starting to lose track.“ River chuckled half heartedly. She had always had a very special relationship with time, being the child of the TARDIS, but inside the Library computer, cut off from reality and actual time, it didn’t seem to matter anymore.

“No, I mean before this, before you came to the Library. You said you’d been researching this before and couldn't find anything and you hoped there would be answers here…“ Anita prompted.

“There clearly aren’t…“ River stated in frustration.

“How long, River?“ Anita frowned, noticing her deliberately evading the question.

“Well, let’s just say it wasn’t obvious I was… expecting when I left the Doctor and started researching.“ River answered at last, her bitterness evident in her voice. Anita remained quiet for a moment. They had hardly spoken about River’s pregnancy and son, bringing it up seemed to make it all the more painful.

“Did you find anything at all? What were you doing?“ Anita tried to steer the conversation back to the subject matter.

“All sorts… I knew it had something to do with the Time Lords so… that’s where I went looking first and of course I got myself involved in yet another of the Doctor’s adventures… younger Doctor that time, very young, couldn’t tell him who I was of course… I went to Gallifrey but I had no time to look around really, not with a fight for the very fate of the universe going on…“ She gave a half smile. When wasn’t the Doctor fighting to save the universe? As much fun as it had been, it had distracted her rather… As she recounted her adventures in her head something occurred to her. She blinked, confused. How had she forgotten about it? How had she failed to make the connection? “But there was something…“ Maybe the trip hadn't been entirely wasted.

“What?“ Anita frowned, confused by her sudden wistfulness.

“As I… things went a bit pear shaped. I was pulled inside the Matrix.“ River revealed which suddenly seemed a whole lot more significant than it had at the time. She considered how furious the Doctor would be if he ever found out what she had put herself through whilst being pregnant. She couldn’t deny that she herself had been incredibly relieved to find her son completely healthy at birth. She hadn’t exactly been taking it easy. There had been a few close calls in the early stages which was why she settled for desk research when she’d become less agile on her feet.

“What’s that?“ Anita asked. “The Matrix?“ She’d felt like she should know what she was talking about but she didn’t.

“The Matrix… it’s like a super computer, not unlike this one. Time Lord minds get uploaded as they die so it’s the sum knowledge of their race, so to speak… Algorithms generate prophecies, predictions, extrapolations, possible futures. In the golden days of the Gallifreyan Empire, they would base their interference around time on them and heed their warnings.“ River tried to explain the best she could. “I used my… affinity for all things Time to help the Doctor: bring him back to where he needed to be. Only barely got out of there myself in the end… but while I was in there… I can’t quite remember but there were flashes of something… I was very preoccupied, mind, but I think subconsciously they did register… maybe the Matrix sensed that I was looking for answers…“ She hadn’t thought it significant at the time, she had had bigger things to worry about but the more she thought it about, the more she believed it couldn’t have been coincidence. The images were beginning to take shape in her mind, as if she was only now able to remember.

“And you saw the Timeless Child?“ Anita asked perplexed, wondering why she hadn’t mentioned it before.

“I don’t know… maybe…“ River tried to focus, struggling to reproduce the images in her mind. “It was a little girl, standing in front of a gateway…“ River closed her eyes as the image became more clear. Why hadn’t thought about it until now?

“A girl though? Didn’t you say you had a son? Then it’s probably not related to you?“ Anita mused disheartened as it seemed like just another dead end.

“Time Lords don’t take the whole gender thing very seriously…“ River couldn’t help but chuckle as she continued watching in her mind’s eye. Someone was approaching the girl.

“River…“ Anita reached out for River’s arm, trying to get her attention.

“Just hang on…“ River was doing her best to remember. She didn’t recall seeing any of this before. Apparently her subconscious had picked up much more in the Matrix than she had realised.

“River!“ Anita insisted, her voice urgent and River opened her eyes, ripped from the otherworldly portal she had been watching but she didn’t find herself in the cosy living room the Library computer had generated for her. Instead she found herself in a laboratory. She jumps to her feet in shock and not a moment too soon, as the sofa also disappeared from under her. Anita looked around utterly confused. Was this a computer glitch? There were other people too: the woman who River had seen approaching the child and the child herself, sitting in a chair being examined.

A/N: You may have picked up on my using the events of Doom Coalition here which canonically are set between Darillium and the Library, if you happen to have been following those Big finish audios. I thought it could work really well with the whole being pulled into the Matrix thing. I know a lot of people don't know the audios though so I'm trying to write it in a way that you don't have to know them and anything significant will be explained. I hope that works for everyone. Please let me know if you find things confusing at any point <3

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