#mat barzal hurt comfort

[senditcolton]

I Will Follow You into the Dark

Carding your fingers through your lover’s hair after a bad nightmare, not caring that it’s sweaty or matted, but just that they’ll be able to get a good night’s sleep, even if it’s at the sacrifice of your own.

part of my Valentine's Day prompts requested by anon | word count: 0.8k | warnings: nightmares inspiration from "plastic palm trees" moodboard by @smileysvech

Who would expect that things labeled as ‘strictly business’ could lead to such heartache?

You certainly didn’t until almost three years ago when your boyfriend Mat started to feel that heartache brought on by ‘business.’

Being a hockey player meant instability – trades, short contracts, waivers, minor leagues. All of this was something that every professional player had to worry about for their entire career because the future was never guaranteed. But while Mat had mentally prepared himself for the chance that all those things happening to him, he wasn’t ready to watch them happen to his teammates.

He wasn’t ready for his friends to be claimed by other teams. He wasn’t ready to watch his friends get sent off to the other side of the continent. He wasn’t ready for his friends to choose to go somewhere else. He wasn’t ready to see his friends – players that he spent his entire Islander career with – dressed in a jersey of unfamiliar colors instead of the usual blue and orange.

Even though he never prepared for this, every time a new trade or signing came through, Mat always told you he was fine. It was a part of the business. But you knew it bothered him. And you knew that is he kept those emotions behind a wall, they would break through eventually.

Tonight, those emotions finally came forward with a vengeance.

You woke up in the middle of the night, unsure of what roused you from your slumber. Your body turns underneath the sheets, moving to face your boyfriend. As soon as your eyes find his frame in the dim moonlight, you understand why you were awake.

Mat was shaking, his body curled up into a tight ball. The way his face in pinched looks almost painful, as does the grip he has on the pillow. Your heart breaks as your hazy brain registers his motions and understands that he was in the middle of what was obviously a terrible nightmare.

Your hand creeps across the expanse of sheets between the two of you, your fingers sliding beneath his, gently coaxing him to release his grasp from the fabric of the pillowcase.

“Mat,” you whisper, your voice breaking. “Mat, baby, wake up.” Your grip tightens as you gently shake him, urging him awake with the movement and a continual call of his name.

It takes a moment but his eyelids fly open, his breathing sharp and shallow as he looks around the darkness of your bedroom. You keep your eyes locked to him, although you feel your heart shatter when you see the haunted look swimming in his pupils before Mat’s gaze finally falls to you.

“It’s okay,” you murmur. “You were just having a nightmare.”

You see a darkness pass over Mat’s expression, the images that were plaguing his unconscious clearly returning. You did the only thing you could think of: you scoot closer to him, your arms enveloping his body as you pull him into you.

Mat relaxes into your hold, his head coming to rest on your chest. Your fingers card through his hair, feeling the sweat-soaked strands slide against your skin. You force yourself to keep your breathing slow and steady – a gentle encouragement for Mat to copy you which he eventually does. The thudding of his heartbeat against you slows and you relax, waiting.

“Everyone keeps leaving me,” he whispers, his words breaking both the silence and your heart. You realize that that must have been the origin of his nightmare – that fear of being abandoned, of being left behind.

“They aren’t gone forever,” you reply, tightening your hold around him.

“I know,” he mutters. “Doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

All you can give him in return is a small hum, hoping that the single tone is enough to convey your understanding and sympathy. You don’t let Mat go, your hands still brushing through his hair as he slowly drifts off to sleep again, this time curled in your arms, the sound of your heartbeat soothing him. When you are confident that he has fallen back into a deep sleep, you press a soft kiss onto the top of his head.

Carefully, as to not disturb your boyfriend, you reach towards your nightstand, fumbling around until your hand finds your cellphone. You angle the screen away from Mat so the brightness doesn’t wake him until you adjust the settings. You open your text messages, scrolling until you find the correct thread.

Hey Emma, sorry for the late message. I was just wondering if you and Tito have anything planned for the summer? Sent February 7th at 3:18am 

No worries! We don’t have any plans. What are you thinking? Received February 7th at 7:41am

Maybe a surprise birthday vacation? Give the boys a chance to reunite? Sent February 7th at 8:01am

That sounds absolutely perfect. Received February 7th at 8:04am

[chukys-mouthguard]

Kinda Tempting pt. 3

Part 2

Word count: 3.7k

Featuring: mat barzal x female reader x matt rempe

Warnings: this gets a bit angsty (sorry to my rempe gang)

Note: I thinkkk I have an idea of where I want this to go, but hopefully you all like this part? Please feel free to send me some feedback because i love hearing your thoughts!!

-

What were you doing?

You’d told Mat that you needed some time to think about his proposal, asking if he’d be okay with you heading home to sleep on it. He of course agreed, understand it was a lot to take in and think about. Not wanting to pressure you into saying something right then and there.

But here you were, at Matthew Rempe’s apartment.

“Well hey there sunshine!”

Matthew’s signature dorky grin plastered on his face as you stood in his doorway, a not so excited look on your face.

“Shit, is everything okay?”

He took your hand and pulled you into his apartment, wrapping you in a hug. Not knowing what was wrong, just sensing you needed it. The second you felt his arms around you the tears immediately started flowing.

All the emotions overwhelming you as you’d finally felt comfortable enough to just let yourself feel something.

“Hey, hey hey. Talk to me y/n. What’s going on?”

Matthew tried to calm you down, to settle your breathing as he pulled you over to sit on the couch. He wiped away your tears as he waited for you to finally tell him what had you so worked up.

“Did the date not go well?”

“No, it, well not at first. But-“

Matthew’s gaze fell to the floor as he knew in his heart these were tears of sadness, not because you and Mat were back on good terms. But instead because you’d come to end whatever fun you two briefly had. You didn’t have to say a word, your body language saying it all.

“You guys are back on good terms?”

Simply nodding, not able to formulate a word let alone a sentence as your mind was still focusing on the hardest part you had to tell Matthew. He smiled at you as he took a deep breath.

“Well, I’m happy for you, honest. And I-“

“That’s not everything…”

He looked to you concerned as you nervously picked at your fingers, the words so difficult to say you as you two sat in silence for what felt like forever.

“He, he asked me to marry him.”

Matthew’s jaw practically on the floor, his knuckles clenching as he stood up. Pacing the floor he tried to figure out what to say. While he wanted to be happy for you, it hurt his heart knowing that he’s opportunity to have anything with you had just gone out the window.

“And you said yes?”

He stared at you as you shook your head. “I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. I told him I needed time. It was so sudden, and after everything that’s been going on. I couldn’t give him an answer that I wasn’t 100% sure about.”

Matt nodded as he sat back down, this time leaving a bit of space between the two of you. Which you’d noticed and didn’t appreciate, still confused and feeling like you needed his comfort.

“Well, do you, do you want to marry him?”

“Fuck Matthew I don’t know!”

You didn’t mean to shout, it sort of just coming out as you ran a hand through your hair. “I don’t know what I want. Just yesterday I was so sure my relationship was going to shit that I cheated on Mat with you. Then today, the date starts awful, we get into an argument, we fuck, and then he’s proposing to me. I just-I have no fucking clue what I want.”

He watched you going through all the emotions, unsure as to what he should say or do. Things seeming different now that he didn’t feel like he could comfort you the same way he would’ve yesterday. He kept his hands to himself, mostly just responding verbally rather than physically. Though he hated feeling like he had to be that way. He wanted so badly to hold you, to kiss you, tell you it was all going to be okay.

Controlling his feelings he’d just let you be. Knowing that the last you needed was him to over complicate things even further.

But after the shit you’d be through with Mat, all of that was just wiped away now because he proposed? You were just supposed to forget how shitty you’d felt for months? He wanted to be respectful, but he could see how torn you were. How much you wanted to know the answer but no one could give you that except yourself.

“I wish I could tell you what to do,” he slightly chuckled as he took your hand, “but unfortunately this is something you have to figure out.”

Nodding at him you tried your best to calm down, not let your thoughts run rampant as you took a deep breath. “I wish I could have it both ways.”

You joked with a laugh, wiping your tears as Matthew shook his head. “And as much as I’d love that, it’s a bit different if you’re engaged.”

“I mean, it’s still cheating if I’m engaged or not.” You playfully argued back, making Matt shrug. “I don’t know, engagement makes things seem more serious, a bit more difficult to call off. So, I just think it’s different, I don't know.”

The two of you sat in silence as you’d finally calmed down. Letting out a sigh as you glanced at Matthew, sitting on his phone.

“Do you not like me now?”

He quickly looked up at you, raising an eyebrow as he immediately shook his head. “Not a chance I’d stop liking you just because he proposed. Plus, you didn’t technically say yes yet.” He shot you a wink before he headed off to his bedroom to change.

“So you still think you’ve got a chance with me then huh?”

Playfully questioning as you’d followed behind him, leaning against the wall in the hallway while he pulled on some sweats then joined you back out in the kitchen.

“I mean, I’m always going to think I have a chance with you. I could sense it just from the connection we have. But, I can respect if you choose to get married to him that I’d need to back off. Can’t say I’d be happy about it, but I’d respect it.”

He grabbed you a beer from the fridge, cracking it open before he slid it across the counter into your hand.

“I just, I’ve got a lot to think about. I mean, if you would’ve asked me a year ago, I would’ve told you hands down this was the man I was going to marry.”

“But?” His voice trailing off as he brought his beer to his lips.

“But, I don’t know. I still love him, and I think I want to marry him. He says he’s going to be better. Try harder. So I guess I’d need to see that before I can really say yes.”

Matt hummed in agreement as you nervously tapped the beer bottle, he smirked at the action as you continue on with your nervous thoughts. Matt just listening to you and letting you speak everything out that was in your mind.

Looking at the time, you realized it was late and there was no way Matt was letting you head home. He offered up his bed for you and he’d take the couch, but he soon regretted that as he looked like a giant sleeping on a toddler bed. Within minutes appearing in the doorway with his pillow, making you chuckle as you laid in his king sized bed comfortably.

“If you feel uncomfortable, I can suck it up and sleep out there. I really don’t want to do anything that you’re not okay with.”

Rolling your eyes you pulled the covers back, not the type to deny a grown man out of his own bed.

Turning on your side you pulled the pillow close and tried your best to get some sleep. Knowing you needed it.

“Y/n?”

Matthew’s voice soft behind you as he lay staring at the ceiling. Humming a response you signaled for him to continue.

“I, I don’t want my feelings or my opinion to cloud your decision making. I truly want nothing more than you to be happy. And if that’s with him, then I will be your biggest supporter through and through. But please don’t say no just because of anything I might say. You need to make this decision solely for yourself and with your heart.”

His words tugging at your heartstrings as you smiled against the pillow. Matthew not requiring a response as he rolled over himself, whispering a quick good night before he’d drifted off to sleep.

But by the morning, you’d be gone.

Waking up in the middle of the night, something in you didn’t feel right being in Matthew’s bed. Grabbing your clothes, you’d quickly changed before heading out the door.

Matthew hadn’t heard from you in weeks, maybe the occasional text when he’d reach out, but even around the rink he hadn’t seen much of you. Assuming you were just taking your time to think things through, him keeping his distance not wanting to overstep or cause any additional stress.

He and the boys were warming up with the soccer ball, the typical routine on game days when Matt saw you heading in their direction. He smiled, missing seeing your face as you’d been MIA as far as he was concerned.

“There she is! The future Mrs. Barzal!”

Matt snapped from his thoughts as he heard Vinny Trochek calling out to you. His heart sinking the lowest it ever could as you shyly smiled, thanking the guys for their congratulatory words as they asked to see your ring.

“Sheeeesh, the Islanders must pay him good. You bagged a good one y/n.”

Looking up from the ring on your finger your eyes immediately locking with Matt’s. The smile on your face gone as you saw the pain in his. Mouthing a quick I’m sorry before you had to head off and film a few things for pregame.

Despite his efforts to block the image of you with a ring on your finger out of his head, Matt couldn’t shake it. He said he’d be happy for you, and he was. But the last thing he expected when seeing you for the first time in weeks, was that Mat had won. That you’d actually said yes.

Matt wasn’t one to get tons of ice time, but tonight his shifts were slim, even for him. The coaches sensed he wasn’t himself, not risking putting him out there if he wasn’t one hundred percent.

“Rempe!”

Quickly looking at the assistant coach over his shoulder, he waited for further instruction.

“I don’t know what’s up your ass tonight, but we need you to get the energy back. Go out there and do your job.”

Matt shook his head, taking a deep breath before climbing over the boards. He knew the last thing he needed right now was to fight someone, especially not being entirely focused. But he couldn’t tell the coaches no. Sucking it up he skated up to the face off, signaling to the other team’s enforcer that he was dropping the gloves once the puck was in play.

Watching from your usual spot along the glass, you saw the look on Matt’s face, not wanting to watch things play out. But, your job required you to watch and film every second of it.

With the first swing it was clear Matt’s head wasn’t in it. He was shaky, punches not landing. Taking blow after blow, not able to dodge anything. It didn’t take long for him to take a punch square on the jaw, crumbling to the ice as he was dazed.

“Fuck…”

Sighing to yourself you’d stopped recording, wanting to run and check on him, though you knew he didn’t want to see you right now. This was your fault, and it was a shitty feeling.

The game had ended, the Rangers losing in embarrassing fashion. Sorting through content and editing after games like these was even harder. Having to relive everything all over again.

Closing your laptop you’d decided it was time to head home. Noticing several of the guys making their way to the parking garage, you’d slowed your pace, hoping to run into Matt.

As he emerged from the locker room, his eye already bruised and swollen, your heart sank.

“Matt…”

He barely looked at you, adjusting his backpack over his shoulders as he stopped in his tracks. Looking to the ground as you attempted to bring a hand to his cheek, which he quickly turned down.

“I’m fine, just wasn’t my best night.”

“Bullshit, I know you didn’t want to go out and fight that guy. This is my fault.”

“Y/n stop it, not everything has to be your fault okay? I just had an off night, can’t go out there and win every fight I get into.”

His voice stern as he spoke, this side of Matt not one you were used to. Shaking your head you refused to believe he just had an off night.

“Well I’m sorry, okay?”

“For what?”

Your gaze falling to the ring on your finger, Matt annoyingly sighed as he started to walk away from you.

“Matt, wait!”

“What do you want me to say! You want to say you’re right? You want me to say that it’s your fault I got my ass handed to me? Okay fine! Seeing you show up with a fucking ring on your finger broke me y/n. Hearing the guys call you the future Mrs. Barzal. I mean for fucks sake you didn’t even tell me! Do you understand how hurtful that is? I get it, it was never going to be me. It was always him. But I at least thought you cared enough to tell me what your final decision was. So yeah, sure, it was your fault tonight. Happy?”

Tears streaming down your face as he finally finished yelling. And it hurt, knowing you’d hurt him so bad. Knowing that you’d toyed with his emotions that night you’d hooked up with him, only to turn around and go right back to the man you convinced him you were walking away from. Whether you intentionally convinced him of that or not, it was clear deep down he’d thought you were.

“Congratulations y/n. I’m really fucking happy for you.”

Trying to formulate some type of response, you’d failed as your words caught in your throat. Matt walked away from you without another glance.

Quickly you wiped your tears, hoping none of the guys would be walking by and notice. Giving yourself a minute before you headed out to your car.

Once inside, you called Mat, knowing he’d had a game but it should be long over by now.

“Oh hello Mrs. Barzal.”

You couldn’t help but smile at Mat’s words, trying you best to prepare your voice to not let him know you’d been crying.

“Soon to be Mrs, not there yet babe.”

He laughed as you heard him getting into his car. “Well I’m impatient I guess. How was your night?”

“We lost…and, it was a rough night all around. But, the guys were really nice, they said congratulations.” “Yeah? That’s really nice of them! Sucks they lost, but I’m happy to know they said something. I got texts from a couple of them when I checked my phone after the game. Makes me happy to know they treat you well over there.”

“Yeah…they’re, a great group of guys.”

Mat instantly noticed the change of tone in your voice. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just, I’m overwhelmed at guess. By the support of everyone, by how excited I am to marry you, by the amount of work I still have to do as far as editing goes.” The two of you laughing as you both were now well on your ways home.

“Yeah, I get it. It’s definitely a lot. I’m feeling it a bit too. Although, my work day is now over compared to yours.” His voice trailed off, the sound of his turn signal the only thing filling the silence.

“How about I come over? I can sit with you while you edit. Maybe help you feel less overwhelmed with things?”

“No Mat, you don’t have to. It’s late, you just played a game. Honest it’s-“ “Too late, I already took the exit. I’ll be at your place in twenty minutes baby girl!”

Shaking your head you simply accepted his offer, having no choice considering he was already on his way. But happy to see him making the effort. Mat from a few months ago would’ve never offered. And it made you hopeful that you were making the right decision.

“Okay, I know I don’t have to tell you, but you’re really good at your job babe. Like seeing how you can just edit this stuff like it’s nothing. I’m blown away.”

You smiled over your shoulder at Mat, thanking him as he sat behind you while you were editing the game's footage. Needing to finish a few more clips to be ready to post the content.

“Ouch, that’s Rempe’s fight from tonight?” Shit…he doesn’t look like he was even ready. What the hell happened?”

You shrugged as you tried clipping some of the footage for your game summary video, not having much to choose from that didn’t show Matt getting his ass kicked.

“He said he had a really off night. He didn’t seem like himself from the moment I got there. I’m not sure what was wrong.”

You tried to end the conversation and hope Mat didn’t continue to talk about him, not wanting to think about the things he’d said to you earlier.

“That’s too bad, he’s been doing pretty well so far this season.”

Mat slightly leaning you forward as he got up and headed to the kitchen, grabbing a water from the fridge as you decided your video was as good as it was gonna get. Closing your laptop with a yawn, checking the time and desperately wanting to go lay down.

“He actually sent me a pretty nice text earlier too.”

“Who?”

Your eyes wide as Mat followed you to the bedroom, watching as you removed the throw pillows and drew the covers back.

“Rempe. I assume he got my number from one of the guys. Though it was a little weird since he and I never really officially met. But, maybe he felt like since you two were so close it wasn’t a big deal?”

“I mean, I don’t know if I’d say we are so close. But I get what you mean. What did he say? You said it was pretty nice?”

Mat pulled his phone from his pocket, scrolling to find the text.

“I mean, for not really knowing the guy, yeah I thought so….Hey Mat, it’s Matt Rempe. I know we haven’t really met, but I feel like I’ve gotten to know you through y/n. I heard the news tonight that you two are engaged, and I wanted to say congratulations. I saw how happy she was when the guys called her the future Mrs. Barzal, and it’s clear she’s the happiest girl in the world right now. You really do make her feel that way. And I hope you know how much she loves you and cares for you. I’m happy to see her happy, and I wish you two nothing but the best.”

“Wow…that is really nice. He said something to me, but I didn’t know he’d texted you too.”

Mat shrugged as he climbed into bed, holding a hand out for you to join him. “Yeah, I mean, plenty of guys I don’t really talk to texted me today. I feel like word traveled and people just like being happy for other people. You know?”

You smiled down at him, nodding as you looked to your bedside, “oh crap I forgot my phone. It’s gonna be dead by the morning if I don't charge it.” Mat playfully pouting as you pulled away from his grip. “Oh just hang on you big baby, I’ll be back in ten seconds!”

Quickly tiptoeing down the hall, you spotted your phone on the coffee table. Checking to see if you’d gotten any texts from Matt, not expecting him to say anything after he blew up on you. But wishful thinking…

“Ten seconds babe? Really?”

Mat laughed from the bed as you told him just a second, needing to turn off the lights you two had left on. Before returning to the bedroom you typed a text to Matt, hoping he was at least awake to read it.

But just as quickly as you’d hit send, a red exclamation mark appearing to warn you your text was not delivered. Trying again won you the same result. Thinking perhaps it was a fluke, you hit the call button as you made your rounds to shut off all the lights. But sure enough, your suspicions had been confirmed. Matt had blocked your number.

Trying not to show your annoyance, you plugged your phone in and curled up next to Mat. Doing your best to act like everything was normal.

“Closed up shop all right?”

Nuzzling into his embrace you hummed a response. “Good. So, I didn’t get to ask you a wedding question today.” Playfully you groaned as Mat laughed, “oh come on! You love the wedding questions!”

He wasn’t wrong, you did love thinking about the wedding and answering his random questions. “Okay, let’s hear it.”

“Colors, what are you thinking?”

“Mmm. Obviously New York Islanders blue and orange.”

Mat rolled his eyes as he wrapped his arms around your waist, flipping over to be on top of your as he playfully peppered you with kisses.

“Ha, ha. Very funny.”

“I thought you’d like that one.”

“I don’t care what we wear, as long as you’re my wife at the end of it.”

His fingers intertwined with yours as he kissed your lips, then moving back to your side as he filled the role of big spoon perfectly. The days events seeming meaningless now, the whirlwind of emotions subsided, as nothing could ruin the way you felt in this moment. Exactly where you were meant to be.

[drewsbuzzcut]

Standing On The Sun And I Don’t Feel A Thing

mat barzal x model!fem!reader

a visceral in doses fic

warnings: hospitals, miscarriages, mentions pain, nausea, and blood, mentions abortion, mentions panic attacks, grief, anger, some angst, and mat being kind of mean, also mentions trying for a baby and I think that’s all (pls let me know if I missed any)

this takes place september 2030

“Where are the kids?” You ask, voice hoarse and eyes puffy.

“Shhh shhh. The kids are with Bev. Baby, what happened? I got a call from the hospital and I went straight to drop the kids off, thank god Beverly was home,” Mat takes a seat next to the side of the hospital bed. He brings your hand into his and you can tell he’s been crying.

“I-“ you start but stop as you start coughing.

“You need some water,” he presses the call button that alerts the nurse.

After a few sips of water, you close your eyes to try to gather your thoughts about all that you could remember.

“This morning, after I got to the photo shoot, I started feeling nauseous and my lower back was in a lot of pain. I just thought I was about to start my period. I don’t really remember anything after that. I think I remember seeing blood and then everyone started freaking out. Eventually everything went black,” you recall the foggy events that led you here.

“Do you know what happened? Did the doctor come to talk to you?” He asks but tries to hide his frantic state.

“I just woke up. I’m still in pain. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m scared, Maty,” you grip his hand really tight, bringing his palm up to your cheek for warmth and comfort.

“It’s going to be okay, baby. I love you. I’m here and you’re going to be okay,” he whispers against your forehead, willing his tears to go away.

A knock sounds on the door and Mat tells them that they can come in. The look on the doctor’s face makes you go pale.

“Is everything okay? Am I okay?” You ask warily.

“It’s nothing too serious, but I regret to inform you that you’re miscarrying at the moment,” the words fade out, your head fuzzy and heart pounding.

“I’m sorry what?” Mat says in shock.

You try to take deep breaths but everything feels shallow.

“Mrs. Barzal, you’re going through a miscarriage which is why you are experiencing severe pain and were bleeding earlier. We do, however, want to perform an ultrasound to confirm,” the doctor says in an eerie tone.

Tears spring to your eyes and you shake your head. This cannot be happening. The nausea returns and twists at your abdomen.

“That’s not possible,” you whisper.

“It’s what your blood test is telling us. We’re going to take you to a different room for your ultrasound,” the doctor says along with some other information before they leave the room.

“Oh my god,” you cover your face with your hands and throw your head back.

“I love you,” Mat kisses your forehead.

“This can’t be happening,” is the only thing you say.

An hour later it’s confirmed that your body is going through a miscarriage, and you feel like everything beneath your feet has been taken from you. You feel so empty and you didn’t even know you were pregnant.

You close your eyes and force yourself to fall asleep, but even then your mind still reels at the events of the day. Not even Mat’s hesitant touch can help you feel better.

“Y/n, wake up,” you hear Mat whisper softly in your ear a couple hours later.

You blink your eyes, the blinding light of the room making your head hurt.

“The doctor said that you will be discharged in about an hour,” he informs you, but you honestly just hear static.

Everything from that point on is a blur of unshed tears and horrific thoughts. The shrill sound of your babies wanting to be in your arms when you get home momentarily distracts you, but that emptiness lingers. You try to distract yourself with being a mom and setting up dates with your close friends. You move throughout the house, cleaning every surface over and over again to keep you sane. You go through about 4 wooden pencils as you write and write until you’re snapping each pencil in half with your strong grip. You take extra long showers to wash away each trace of grief that may be left on your body.

After a week of feeling like a robot, you start to feel every emotion you’ve been trying to push down come back up. It doesn’t help that Mat pulled himself away from you. You don’t remember the last time you had a full conversation that didn’t revolve around your kids or random topics that warranted a 30 second talk. You cancel all plans and lock yourself in the guest bedroom.

The empty feeling spreads from your stomach all over your entire body. How could you not know you were pregnant? Why wasn’t your body strong enough to keep them alive? Why did you feel so alone despite Mat being a father and a mother all while he’s trying to help you?

You sob your eyes out and twist in agony, because each time you feel like you might be okay, you’re reminded that your body failed you. No one prepares you for what it feels like to lose something you didn’t even know you could lose. You hate yourself for feeling this way, because it’s selfish when you already have kids and a husband. A family that’s already felt complete, but now it just feels broken.

It takes several phone calls to your therapist before you feel like you can function without your heart aching every second. You realized that you need your babies’ hugs and kisses. You needed to feel some kind of love.

You attempt to put back all of your broken pieces by playing with your children or napping with them. Simply just being around them puts a smile on your face. You start to feel yourself come around more. You start hanging out with friends again and laughing and feeling anything but sadness. You try to be more positive in situations you’d automatically become upset with.

The only thing that’s keeping you down is Mat. He’s become really good at being just a roommate. He’ll work with you when it comes to the kids, but other than that the space between you both feels like miles rather than inches. You’ve let him keep to himself, because you’re not sure how he’s coping with what happened- especially because you’ve locked yourself away for the past week or so.

Eventually you get tired of his silence and pressure him into talking to you.

“What’s going on?” You ask one night when he’s just getting out of the shower.

“What are you talking about?”

You stay silent for a minute and just watch him. His face conveys nonchalance, but his body is rigid.

“You know what I’m talking about, babe. Why have you been so distant with me? Is it because I’ve been sad? I’m better now and even if I wasn’t, you can still talk to me,” you say, walking up to him and putting a hand on his shoulder.

His body stiffens and he slowly moves away from your touch.

That really hurts.

“It’s not about that, Y/n. Believe it or not, I’m not feeling this way because you were or are sad,” he blurts out.

He continues to move around the room, getting dressed and putting on lotion.

“Okay. So what’s wrong? Why are you being pissy with me?”

“Like you don’t know,” he says.

“Obviously I don’t. Why do you think I’m asking?” He’s really starting to make you mad.

“How could you not tell me?” He finally asks.

“Not tell you what? I’m so confused right now,” you tug on your hair and shut your eyes, trying to come up with the missing details.

“How could you not tell me that you were pregnant? I had to find out by seeing you in the hospital because you were having a miscarriage,” he just about shouts and it makes you flinch.

“I didn’t even know I was pregnant. I was just as in the dark as you were. I would’ve told you if I was pregnant. I can’t believe you’d think that I’d keep something like that from you,” you explain with your voice and head low.

“Shit. I- I’m sorry. I just assumed that you knew and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. I love you,” he gathers you in his arms and just holds you.

“I’m sorry I pushed everyone away. I just needed some time to think about things and to be sad,” you say through tears.

“It’s okay. I love you,” he kisses your temple.

“I love you.”

Later that night you’re both in bed, cuddling and basking in the comfortable silence.

“Mat?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“I think you should get snipped,” you voice your most recent thought.

“What?” He questions because he’s not sure if he’s hearing things.

“I really think you should get a vasectomy,” you reiterate.

“Wait… why?”

You adjust in his grip so you can fully face him. Your hand goes to rest on his cheek and you thumb at his skin.

“I think I’m done with having babies. We have 3 and I think that’s enough,” you say.

“No. That’s not what I meant. I mean why do I have to be the one to get the procedure done?”

“Well why not?” You ask back.

“I can’t get that because I have to be sharp for hockey. I can’t spend weeks just lazing around during a recovery period, you know that. You should get your tubes tied,” he explains and you let out a scoff.

You move away from him and get off the bed in favor of pacing around the room.

“I’ve held each of our babies inside of me for 9 months. I breastfed all of them. I just had a miscarriage for a baby I didn’t even know existed. My body is constantly changing. That’s not always an ideal situation for my career, especially because my body is an important aspect of my job. Hell, I’m practically art! So, no, I’m not going to be the one to get my tubes tied,” you rant, eyes squinted and a frown wrinkling your forehead.

“I thought that’s why you started taking classes at Pratt, so modeling wouldn’t be the only thing you have going for you?” He replies, subtly putting words in your mouth.

Your every feature turns down in a sad and disappointed pout. You honestly didn’t see this conversation going in this direction. The whiplash is unreal.

“That’s not what I was aiming for when I decided to take some classes. You’re being a real ass right now,” you bite.

“I’m being an ass? What about you? You just assumed that I don’t want any more kids. You know, I want you to at least want one of them, because if you haven’t noticed you really didn’t want either of them,” he spits out, face red as a tomato.

That makes you cry. That assumption that you never wanted your kids makes you die on the inside.

“At first, you wanted to get an abortion with Nolan,” he says when you stay silent.

You cross your arms over your chest and cock up an eyebrow, daring him to continue.

“You didn’t really want Angel. I remember you saying that you didn’t want any more kids after Nolan,” he adds.

You glare at him in return.

“Lastly, you said you didn’t really like the timing of Sloane and I can’t blame you, because you went and broke up with me and then hid it from me. No wonder I thought you hid this one, too,” Mat rips into you, voice laced with venom.

“You listen to me, Mathew Barzal, if I really didn’t want to have our kids, I wouldn’t have had them. Believe me when I say that. Of course I wanted our kids. Was I scared out of my mind each pregnancy? Yes! Would I take them back? Hell no. I love our babies, so for you to say that really sucks,” you respond, wiping away your tears.

He just shakes his head in return.

“I’m scared of pregnancy. I just lost a baby and you expect me to want to try for another one? I don’t know if I can do that for you, for us,” you correct your last couple of words before he can turn them into something else.

He watches you, staying silent as you fall apart at his feet.

“Is this going to be the end of us?” You ask.

“Why is it always a breakup with you? Is that what you really want? Deep down, do you really not want to be with me?” He accuses.

“No! I just feel like you don’t love me, so I’m not going to beg you to stay if that’s not what you want. I can’t even give you a baby, so there’s that,” you admit.

“I lost the baby, too,” Mat points out.

“I know that, Mathew. I know, but you don’t understand what it’s like as a mother to go through a loss like that. My body should be capable of growing a life. Then you go and say that I didn’t even want my kids. You don’t know what it feels like to feel so utterly empty and alone. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know that they existed, because as a mother, I should’ve known,” you whisper as your voice starts to become strained.

You feel your chest start to cave in on you and the lack of support makes your knees buckle. You go straight to the floor, tucking your knees into your chest for some kind of stability. You’ve never seen Mat so upset. You’ve never been on the receiving end of it. Part of you is mad at him for the way he’s talking to you, but another part of you understands. This whole miscarriage has turned your world upside down. You’d be naive to think that it wouldn’t affect him too.

“Baby, don’t cry. It wasn’t your fault. I love you, always. I promise it’s going to be okay,” he wraps you in his arms and squeezes you to his chest. He beats himself up for the way his words caused you to crumble. Seeing you break after already being broken down snaps him out of his anger. His word vomit just spewed out, but maybe it was a good thing because everything was out on the table.

You don’t blame him, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

He doesn’t know it, but the beat of his heart does wonders to calm you down before you can have a panic attack.

“Do you hate me?” You lock your hands behind his neck, desperate to have him pressed to you in any way possible.

“Never. I’m sorry I made you feel like I did. I swear I would never hate you,” he rubs your back.

“You said I didn’t want our babies,” you get out through the remnants of your cries.

“Do you really feel that way? Be honest,” you speak again.

“Part of me used to feel that way, but every time I see you with our babies, I see how much you love them. You’re the best mama bear to our little loves. I wouldn’t have had kids with you, if I felt certain that you didn’t want them. I was just being an asshole,” he whispers into your temple.

You sniffle at his response, feeling another bout of tears ready to fall because you never knew he felt that way.

“Are you sad about the miscarriage?” You need his feelings to be transparent.

“Yeah. A lot more than I thought I would be. I’m also angry, because you shouldn’t have had to go through that. I should’ve known you were pregnant, maybe things would be different,” he answers honestly.

“It’s not your fault either. This is just a really sucky thing,” you try to comfort him, but you can see the tears in his eyes and the way his bottom lip wobbles.

“I’m sorry for being mean. I can’t take it back, but just know that I love you so much,” he finally cries.

You pull him closer, hand caressing his neck and back and you kiss his cheeks.

“We’ll work through it. We always do. Do you really want another baby?” You look into his eyes.

“I do. One more baby barzal, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to because I made you feel bad about an insecurity I have,” he admits, thumb wiping away your tears. His forehead leans against yours and for the first time in a couple of weeks, you feel whole.

“Insecurity?” It’s the first you’re ever hearing about it and it shocks you to your core. For as long as you’ve known Mat he’s always been the secure and stable one.

“I sometimes thought you were just having kids to please me and not because you were ready to have them. I guess I was feeling insecure about our age gap. I finally got somewhat of an understanding of what you used to feel like,” he explains and you feel guilty for never realizing.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me? I could’ve soothed your worries a long time ago. Like I said, I had our babies because I wanted to.”

“I thought I could get away with it, but I guess it just bubbled up until I couldn't hold it in anymore. I promise to come to you whenever I get an insecurity, or just any little problem really. You’re my wife, I need you all the time,” he pulls you in for a kiss. You try to kiss every single one of his worries away.

“I would like to purposely try to make a baby, but I don’t know when I’ll be ready. Just have some patience with me,” you say into his mouth.

He shakes his head.

“I don’t want to pressure you into having another baby if that’s not something you want to do.”

“Mat, baby, you’re not pressuring me into anything. I’ve been having some baby fever lately. Miss Sloane is getting older, so it’d be nice to have another baby,” you assure him.

“Whenever you’re ready, I’m ready,” he says, pulling you into a kiss.

“I love you. We’re going to get through this,” you promise him. And you will,, no doubt about it.

Being riddled with grief and guilt- that can only come from the way you both acted towards each other- will make you both stronger in the end. Stronger as individuals, as a couple, and as parents. You’re just glad you’re going through it all with your husband by your side. It’s Mathew or no one, and it’s safe to say that he feels the same way.

a/n: Looks like mat and model!reader have some therapy and lots of talking to do before they fix everything. As always, hope y’all enjoy!

[wintfleur]

𓈒 ୭ৎ ˖˙ ᰋ ── JULIETTE LECLERC PROFILE !

au masterlist - everything for the AU is under #🍂 ͡ ꒱ Juliette Leclerc

ᡣ𐭩 BASICS .ᐟ

name: Juliette Celeste Leclerc 

nicknames:

Julie (everyone) 

Lettie (family and close friends) 

jules (everyone) 

ette (brothers( 

lilo (her best friends) 

juliebug (mat and quinn) 

birthday and zodiac: November 15th 1999, Scorpio

location: Monte Carlo, Monaco (birthplace, current) 

ᡣ𐭩 ABOUT  .ᐟ

personality: julie has a complex personality, some say it resembled an onion; you have to pull back the layers before truly understanding her. The media and new people assume that she's cold, and honestly a bitch just because they truly don't know her. But in reality, she's honestly a very sweet person, she is on the quiet side, she's very confident in herself and her beliefs. She is very charming, charismatic, and flirty! When she's around the people she's comfortable with, she can be a little bubbly and giggily (mostly with mat and quinn). She has a very dry humor but it honestly just makes people love her more! Can be very sarcastic at times, is witty 

good traits: determined, loyal, hard-working, honest and loyal, protective of her family and friends, trustful, doesn't take shit from anyone 

bad traits: very self critical, can be too bold, brutal at times, distances herself when she's overwhelmed or emotionally hurt, 

quirks: having a resting bitch face, intense eye contact, spaces out when bored, rolls eyes, smiles sarcastically, 

likes: rain, musicals, going to ballets, trying out new restaurants, ranch life, swimming, buying swimsuits, her yacht, spending time with family, hot tubs, sightseeing, 

dislikes: rude and invasive fans, the paparazzi, stalkers, people who disrespect her family or friends, most f1 media, drive to survive, traffic 

hobbies: singing, running, baking, dancing, riding horses, music, hockey, playing tennis and golf, reading, journaling 

fears: being a failure, dying alone 

strengths: how hard-working she is, she never gives up, confident, tactical and her strategy, how smart and witty she is, her quick thinking 

weaknesses: perfectionism, talking about her feelings, self critical, can have a short fuse at times, 

languages spoken: 100% French, 100% English, 100% Korean, 36% Spanish. 

occupation/profession: f1 driver for redbull, singer, model, actress 

ᡣ𐭩 CAREER !

Profession  f1 driver

Team   Red Bull Racing

Debut Australia 2019

Trainer  Gabriel Guerrero

Race engineer   Théo Beaufoy

Manager  Anya DuPont

Assistant  Beatrice Roux

World championships   1 (2022)

Sponsors  Gucci

ᡣ𐭩 RELATIONSHIPS  .ᐟ

parents:

Hervé Leclerc 

Pascale Leclerc 

sibling(s):

Lorenzo Leclerc 

Charles Leclerc 

Arthur Leclerc 

best friends: max verstappen. lando norris, george russell, alex albon, hailee steinfeld, shawn mendes, victoria de angelis, lily rose depp

friends: most of the f1 grid, most of quinn and mat’s teammates, jack and luke hughes, ross lynch, zendaya, tom holland, lewis pillman, and many more 

love interest: Mathew Barzal and Quinn hughes 

pet(s): none yet 

ᡣ𐭩 MORE .ᐟ

scent: she has a large collection of different fragrances, from brand deals, pr, etc. she prefers aromatic fragrances, so she uses mostly Chanel and Gucci perfumes, her most used one is Chanel number 2, it's one of her signature scents!

outfits: it really depends on what she's doing, if it’s a casual day she likes wearing low waisted jeans, corset vest tops, mini skirts, sweaters, sundresses, it really depends! She loves wearing black, reds, and earth tones! She likes adding fishnets, lace and tights to her outfits, long scarfs, jean or leather jackets, she likes wearing blazers, definitely has an office siren aesthetic! She has a lot of clothes and she's always wanting to try something new, and is definitely known for her fantastic outfits! here's a link to her closet! 

accessories:  she loves accessorizing, she loves anything involving fashion really!! She has a large collection of different types of bags and sunglasses(she loves collecting them), they are definitely her favorite thing + jewelry, to accessorize with. She also has quite a lot of hats, mostly ball caps, beanies and berets. She also really loves utilizing long and thin scarves when she's wearing a short skirt or shorts. She also occasionally will wear a headband, heavily inspired by Blair waldorf. In the colder weather she's almost always rocking ear muffs. She absolutely loves wearing bayonetta glasses, she has so many pairs. Honorable mentions are leg and arm warmers. 

jewelry: she's a silver girl!  She loves rings, she usually has about four on at a time, small ones, chunky ones, one with crystals or gems, any type of rings really.  She loves layering necklaces. She also occasionally wears anklets and waist chains, it really depends on her outfit. With bracelets she wears all different types, charm bracelets, friendship bracelets, cuff bracelets, again it really depends on her outfit. 

makeup: isn't really the biggest fan of makeup, she prefers her bare face! She has her own personal makeup artist who does her makeup for her when she goes to events etc. but when she does do her own makeup, she really only does her eyes and lips! She prefers darker eye makeup, red or nude tones for her lips, sharp eyeliner and highlighter! 

scars: none 

sexuality: bisexual 

Height: 5’7

piercing(s): 1 in each ear, bellybutton

tattoo(s): she has this one on her lower back, and this one on her left arm. She wants to get more! 

face claim: Dua Lipa 

ᡣ𐭩 FAVORITES .ᐟ

food(s): pasta, sweets, almonds, pomegranates, cherries, steak, macaroons

drink(s): cherry coke, water, redbull, hot chocolate, shirley temples 

color(s): black, reds, earth tones 

animal(s): horses, cats, sloths 

bands and artist: måneskin, rihanna, ciara, lady gaga, gwen stefani, the weekend 

show(s): gossip girl, supernatural, game of thrones, criminal minds 

movie(s): the devil wears prada, scooby doo, mamma mia, lotr, twilight, 

person: her mom and younger brother arthur 

ᡣ𐭩 BACKGROUND  .ᐟ

julie was born on a rainy day in monaco, on november 15th, 1999

julie was a very quiet child, her parents worried that she would have trouble making friends so they put her in ballet when she was 5. 

julie was naturally very talented at ballet and she enjoyed it very much

she started karting when she was 6, still also doing ballet

she started equestrian sports when she was 12 and stopped when she was 15. 

julie quit ballet when she was 17, giving karting/driving all her attention. 

she had her debut in in f1, in 2019 for the team mercedes 

It was a fantastic year, she got four wins and 326 points. 

but she left Mercedes after one year, signing with redbull. 

in 2020 she dropped her first single 

she created her youtube channel in 2020, she now has surpassed 10 million followers 

her modeling career started in 2022, and it instantly kicked off, becoming a very successful and sought after model 

ᡣ𐭩 FUN FACTS  .ᐟ

Juliette drove for Mercedes in her rookie year, she got four wins and 326 points . . . fans of course were not happy that a female was dominating her rookie year, so of course a nasty rumor was created. The rumor that spread like hot fire was that Juliette was having an inappropriate relationship with Toto Wolff.

Which was false, Toto was like a father figure to Juliette but the fans didn’t care, booing her and trending hate for her on Twitter.

Juliette drove for Redbull for the next season, and is still driving for Redbull.

Juliette is known for being one of the most influential drivers on the grid, for the wide range of her career.

Juliette has dropped a few albums, some singles and ep’s, she’s a model, an ambassador for Gucci, and she has a YouTube channel with over 10 million subscribers, where she posts all different kinds of content, she’s walked on runways.

The interviewers love her (besides a few) a lot of fans say she’s like seb with how she has the habit of flirting with the female interviewers.

She is quite the flirt, confident with herself

She’s a party girl, in a club or on a yacht, she loves her parties !!

A lot of people assume she’s a bitch because of her resting face, her confidence and the way she doesn’t take any shit, but she’s genuinely a sweetheart.

Besides Lewis she is the driver that has the most celebrity friends

No one is surviving eye contact with her, in the words of lando “she has a really strong gaze, very alluring — like a siren yeah”

The amount of dating rumors Lando and Juliette have is insane, but they are simply just best friends !!!

She loves swimming, she loves visiting tropical places

Everyone swears she’s a mermaid/siren for her love of the water

She has stated many times that her favorite sport besides f1 is hockey.

She has been seen coming to many hockey games, even having many friends that are hockey players.  (Trevor Zegras, Cole caufield and more)

She loves baking

She owns several houses all over the world

She is a major passenger princess

SHE IS THE IT GIRL

She hates coffee

She definitely loves going out and partying, but she also loves staying in.

She was such a daddy’s girl

She talks to her mom every single day

She loves and I mean loves running

No matter how hungover she is, she’s always having her morning run.

She loves and I mean loves horses !!

Her dream is to retire, buy her own ranch and just get a ton of horses to take care of and love, maybe her own vineyard.

Her most prized possession is her yacht . . .  That’s crazy to say omg.

She has kept all of her relationships a secret!

She loves doing collaborations

A character she’s most like is Blair waldorf

She’s a very strong woman, but sometimes things really get to her and she just needs space.

She has a bad habit of distancing herself from others when she’s hurt or upset

She’s been to 3 met galas

She will kick anyone’s ass in golf

‘The princess of Monaco’

She is very open about her crush on leighton meester

She’s a switch

She has a great relationship with everyone on the grid !

Her and Pierre have a love hate relationship

She has such a flirty personality, she loves making people flustered.

She’s a fantastic driver, and won’t let anyone tell her different just because she’s a girl.

She has said her grid son is ollie bearman

Yuki loves her sm! They are such a underrated duo

She loves hockey, but she’s a terrible skater

She hates drive to survive, they like to make her and max look like the villain.

She secretly can’t stand one driver on the grid.

She loves sleep sm

She’s genuinely such a family girl

She was the troublemaker of her family

She hates cold feet

Her brother’s friends have always had a crush on her and she loved teasing them about it.

She keeps her music taste a secret from the public

Lewis will always have her back no matter what, she’s his grid kid.

The public goes crazy for post race Juliette

She loves her team, she’s extremely close to all of them !!

She alternates from black to red hair a lot, but her hair is very healthy !!!

Doesn’t go anywhere without a pair of sunglasses

Macaroons are the way to her heart

A lot of people get surprised by how friendly she is

She loves game of thrones

She is not a lightweight

Is a really good dancer !! Did ballet for a long time

Low waisted pants are her best friend.

The only one who can rock Jorts

Always has red or black nails

She’s a silver girly

Has a private Instagram ‘@/lettiesworld’

°. — taglist ( @cixrosie @toasttt11 @lovings4turn )

˖ ��� 💭 roro’s notes ( so this is the introduction to juliette !! I really hope you guys like her, omg I’m so excited for this AU !!! I didn’t mention Mat and Quinn because they will have their own profile !!! Oh I’m so excited, please let me know what you guys think !!! )

©️WINTFLEUR

[swissboyhisch]

Drunken Mistakes

Pairing: Mathew Barzal x Reader

Summary: After receiving some bad news, you just wanted to not be alone. After a couple drinks, what most likely is a bad decision, starts to sound too good to miss.

Word Count: 2576

Warnings: Alcohol, friends with benefits, bad thoughts 

NEXT PART >>

THE MASTERLIST JOIN THE TAGLIST HOCKEY DISCORD

Alcohol. Something to numb the pain. Anything honestly. 

After the news you just received, you wanted some kind of distraction. You didn’t want to stay in your hotel room alone. Being in the city, away from your home. You wanted some kind of comfort. Sure, you had some friends living in the city, but everyone was busy. Leaving you alone with your thoughts. 

Mat then popped into your mind. An ex-fling. Your childhood best friend that you had reconnected with. One you had a friends-with-benefits situation with. After nights of constant talking and hours-long phones on the way home from work, you had caught feelings for Mat. In return, he ghosted you. Yes, he had warned you not to catch feelings, but it still hurt. 

Neither of you had messaged each other for months. The last thing you discussed was your travels through Europe and how you were doing amazingly. During that conversation, Mat had admitted he was lonely. But something was telling you to text him at this very moment. Maybe it was just your desperate need not to be alone.

Hey

Within minutes Mat had replied. When he asked how you were going, you told him the truth. Not good… Well, more like horrible. With that admission, Mat drove to your hotel to pick you up. Promising to be there as quickly as he could. 

You grabbed some clothes for the night and the phone charger before heading down to the lobby to wait for Mat. It didn’t take long before the familiar mop of hair weaved through the few people standing about the lobby. 

“Hey,” Mat muttered, pulling you into a hug. He could tell you weren’t doing the greatest. “You’re gonna be okay.”

You relax into his body. Your body goes slack in Mat’s arms, holding you against him. “Can we go to yours?”

“Let’s go,” Mat replies. 

The brunette grabbed your bag from your hands and placed his hand on your lower back to guide you out of the hotel. His luxurious car was parked in the valet. Mat opened your door, allowing you to slide into the passenger seat and get comfortable. Once Mat pulled out of the hotel, he drove through the city. The music playing on Bluetooth became the soundtrack to your life as you stared out the window.

“The new place,” You finally spoke up, seeing the building come into view. 

“Yeah, the new place.”

You noticed things that were not Mat’s when you walked into his apartment. A pair of shoes near the door that wasn’t his style. A pair of keys to a car that wasn’t his. Well, that you knew of.

“No roommate?”

Mat chuckled at the question, “I got a roommate, one of the traded guys.”

That made your heart hurt—more than it already was. Anthony Beauvillier was one of your closest friends, especially when you and Mat were hooking up. And now he lives in Vancouver. If you were hurting, you could only imagine how Mat was taking the whole ordeal.

“Have you talked to Tito recently?” You ask.

“Every day. Want a drink?”

The yes flew out of your mouth faster than you could predict. After looking through Mat’s vast selection of expensive alcohol, you decided to have a Jack and Coke. He grabbed the bottle of whiskey and mixer, a glass from the cupboard, and a shot glass.

“How strong?”

“At least a double,” You answered.

Then the tour began. He started in the kitchen and living room. The occasional picture of his family is scattered on the walls and shelves. Next was the balcony. Quite considerable and well-decorated. The area's main feature is a comfy couch facing the city's view. The last room on the list was his bedroom, which was very Mat: simple colours, well shades of black and white. The wardrobe with mirrors for sliding doors was on the left as you walked in. Across the room was a large window. A dresser with a tv opposite his bed sat centre on the wall to your right—every bit Mat as you’d like. 

“My teammate isn’t home, so do you wanna watch a movie in the lounge room?”

“Let me get comfy first,” You mutter, placing your drink on the dresser as you put your bag in the corner of the room. 

After changing, you joined Mat on the couch. His feet kicked up on the poof he had, and an enormous blanket lay over his lower half. Without saying anything, you slid under the blanket and sat directly beside him, despite the space on the couch. 

“What movie?”

You look at the options on Netflix, “I don’t know.”

“You choose,” Mat decided, handing you the remote. 

“Why?” You laughed.

“You’re the guest.”

“Come on, Mat.”

You gave up on that argument quickly and just flicked through the app. Nothing piqued your interest, and Mat wasn’t any help. Then you came upon Molly’s Game. From the description, it was about an Olympian who runs a high-end poker game for the mafia and prominent stars who ends up on the radar of the FBI. It sounded exciting, and you hadn’t watched it, so you pressed play. 

The two of you sat watching the movie, alcoholic drink in hand. The occasional comment or questions asked between you about things that had happened recently. After a bit, you finally got comfy. You were leaning into Mat’s side, head on the shoulder. His arm slides up and around your shoulders. He was holding you tightly against his side. Both of you were settled. You came to trace shapes on his chest as you focused on the movie. His lightly ghosted up and down your back. 

It was quiet until Mat broke the silence between you both. “I forgot how easy it is with you.”

You felt that deeply. Whenever you and Mat had spent time together in the past, you didn’t have to try. Didn’t have to actively think about what to do. You both just worked so well together. Sometimes you wondered why he didn’t want a relationship with you if that was his thoughts. 

“Me too.”

You finished your drink quickly. It's likely quicker than you should have. Mat didn’t hesitate to grab your empty glass from your hand and get up to make you another drink. You watched as he walked around the couch and to the kitchen. Even twisting so you can lean on the back of the couch and watch him. He saw you looking at him and smiled at you. For a quick second, you felt those butterflies in your stomach, similar to when you two had first hooked up.

“Want to do a shot?” Mat asked as he finished making your drink.

Your eyes lit up at the suggestion. Quickly joining Mat at his alcohol stash. “Of what?”

“I don’t know.”

After having a flashback to having had many nights when you were younger doing shots, you knew what you wouldn’t shoot. “Anything but vodka.”

“How about Fireball?” Mat asked as he grabbed his half-empty bottle. 

“Sounds great.”

Mat poured out the two shots. Pouring on the smaller side as the shooters were quite large. You both clinked your glasses before throwing back the amber liquid. Cinnamon. Quite pleasant, you thought. You both put down the glass before sharing a laugh. That was when you looked up at Mat and saw how close you were. Without hesitating, you went in for the kiss. Sure, neither of you had discussed how the night would end between you, but it seemed like there was an underlying tension, sexual. 

You both smiled at each other and settled back onto the couch. You were drinking and paying little attention to the movie on the large screen. Most of your attention was on Mat. Your hand started to wander. Starting on his chest and then making your way up to his jaw. He currently had more stubble than you had seen him with in the past. 

“I like the scruff,” You comment. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Then silence once more. Both yours and Mat’s hands wandered, touching each other lightly. Nothing too inappropriate. Even the occasional snuggle into Mat’s chest resulted in his hand coming to scratch the back of your head lightly. Just comforting touches that you needed after the news you had heard earlier. 

You watched Mat skull the last bit of his beer, then place the empty bottle on the coffee table to his right. After handing him your drink to place on it, you struggle to get out of the tangled mess of blankets and legs. You made your way through the dark, well, low light, to the kitchen to grab a beer for the fridge. Mat watched in amusement as you walked a little tipsy.

“You didn’t have to,” Mat stated as you opened the fridge.

You grabbed the beer he was drinking, “Twist top?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool,” You hum before opening the bottle and returning to Mat’s side, handing him his drink before snuggling back to his side. Not without a quick peck to his lips. 

Midway through the movie and a few more drinks later, the kissing intensified. Your hand cups Mat’s scruffy jaw as he pulls you in closer. Fingers tangled into your hair. 

“Wanna move to the bedroom?” Mat mumbles against your lips.

“Sure.” Mat turned off the tv and placed the empty glass and bottles on the kitchen counter. You went to the bedroom while he did that. Placing your phone on charge and climbing in under the covers. 

Mat walked in and slipped off his t-shirt, revealing his abs. A sight you had missed. God, he was so good-looking. Angelic really. The light was changed to red, a staple between you and Mat when you were hooking up. It also doubled as a warning to Tito that you two were fucking. 

“Looking hot,” You grin as Mat makes his way to bed with you. 

With a hard tug, Mat falls on top of you. He dipped his head once more to capture your lips with his. You pressed your hips against him, feeling his hard-on under his sweats. Hands slid under your jumper. Pulling up the hoodie. Mat broke the kiss to slip off the article of clothing and throwing in the direction of your bag before returning to kiss your lips. 

“Mat,” You moaned as the brunette moved to kiss down your neck. 

He gently bit that sweet spot he had memorised, then smirked as you moaned again. “Found it.”

His words made you laugh lightly. Then cut off again by a moan since Mat slid a hand up into your hair. A tangled mess and slight tug. A staple move by the big-shot hockey player. In retaliation, you grazed your hands over his cock under his sweats, making Mat halt in his movements, a silent moan. You tug his sweatpants a little. 

“You want them off?” Mat smirks.

“Of course.”

Mat listens to your needs and stands up, gripping the waistband and sliding them down. His hard cock sprung out of the waistband. Slapping his abs with a satisfying skin-on-skin sound. 

“Your turn.” You lifted your hips, allowing Mat to slide off your sweatpants. Mat chuckled at your underwear. “You planned on getting some, didn’t you?”

“Can ya tell?” 

Without saying anymore, Mat slipped off your underwear and pulled your legs, sliding your body to the edge of the bed. You wrapped your legs around his waist. You needed him closer. 

“Mat…”

You reached your hands up and pulled him down to your lips. Lips. Tongues. Wandering hands. A little biting on your part. After you and Mat hooked up last time, you knew to hold back on the biting. You moved to kiss down Mat’s neck, nipping and sucking as you went. 

His fingers tangled into your hair to pull you away, “Careful. No marking, you know that.”

“I know, I know. I wasn’t planning on doing it.”

The following day you awoke to Mat lying shirtless beside you in bed. Little snores were the only sound echoing around the room. Your phone was suddenly receiving notifications, buzzing on the side table. 

“What time is it?” You mumble to yourself. Leaning over to look at your phone. The glowing white numbers. 6:00 AM. “Fuck.”

You had forgotten to change the sleep focus for last night. Usually, you’d be up for work at this time hence why your phone turned notifications back on. You flicked it back onto sleep focus and rolled over to curl into Mat’s side.

“What’s the time?” He mumbles, barely even awake.

“6.”

“Go back to sleep,” Mat huffed. 

For the next two hours, the pair of your drifted in and out of sleep. Either you would shuffle and wake Mat or vice versa. Then it got to the point you couldn’t be bothered to try to go back to sleep. Instead, you pulled up Instagram to scroll through whilst Mat slept. You knew Mat liked his sleep, and he had a later morning skate at 10 AM if you remember correctly. 

“Mat, it’s 8:30,” You mumbled when you noticed the time. Both of you needed to shower before leaving. And Mat had offered to drop you back at your hotel on his way to practice. 

The two of you fell into a routine of getting ready for the day. You showered before changing back into the clothes you wore to Mat’s. Mat jumped in the shower after you. He came out of the bathroom dressed in jeans and one of his many Islanders hoodies. Something that made him look so good. 

Mat came over to where you were sitting on his bed, slipping on your Apple Watch. He leant down and pressed a kiss to your lips once more. Probably the final one of the morning. “Want some food before I drop you off?”

“That sounds good.”

You grabbed your bag, and the pair of your made your way to Mat’s car. He had mentioned a bakery near your hotel that was good. It didn’t take too long… in city time that is. The two of you entered the cafe. Browsing all there was to choose from. After looking at all the baked goods, you decided to get juice—something to quell your unsettled stomach, hopefully. Mat stood before you, eyeing up something in the glass case. 

“What do you want?” Mat asked.

“Oh, I’m just getting a juice. Don’t feel like getting any food at the moment.” Mat plucked the juice bottle from your hands and placed it on the counter with his drink. You groaned, going to try to grab the drink back, but he smacked your hand away. “Mat, I can get my drink.”

“Don’t stress about it. I don’t mind.”

You didn’t expect Mat to pay for your stuff. Honestly, you hated having people pay for things for you. Mat was a good person, and you knew that. So it really shouldn’t have been a surprise. After he paid for your things, you both returned to his car, and he started to make his way to your hotel. It was quiet until you pulled into your hotel driveway. 

“Thank you for last night,” You stated as you grabbed your bag. “I need it.”

“Me too,” Mat smiles. 

“Good luck for tonight.”

Mat says a quick thank you. “Keep me updated.”

“Will do.”

“Bye.”

You send him one last smile. “Bye.”

TAG LIST:

@findapenny @mp0625 @hischierhaze @11zegras @lvrzegras @francesfarhadi @cixrosie @daisysthings @barzyblogbabe

[bordysbae]

Can you do one with barzal inspired by sparks fly by t. swift?

“sparks fly”

mathew barzal x reader

wc: 1.2k

—

‘my mind forgets to remind me you’re a bad idea’

“you hooked up with him again? y/n this always happens! you get attached to him and think you’re getting back together, but then he goes and ghosts you. you need to stop seeing him love,” your best friend says, as she strokes your hair comforting you gently.

“i know, i just can’t stop. i miss him too much. it’s like his touch does something to me, it’s like he has me in a chokehold,” you sniffle.

“oh darling, he does have you in a chokehold. you need to realize he’s a bad idea. please don’t go back to him, it hurts me seeing you like this”

‘you touch me once and it’s really something, you find i’m even better than you imagined me to be’

after another night out in the grand city of new york, you find yourself back in the bed of your ex. disappointing both yourself and everyone who knows you. as mat’s fingers gently stroke the baby hairs around the edge your face, you find yourself subconsciously snuggling closer into his warm chest.

“goodnight mat,” you mumble into his warm body.

“night darling,” he drowsily croaks out.

‘i’m on my guard for the rest of the world, but with you, i know it’s no good’

it’s been nearly two weeks since the last time you saw mat, and no contact as always. you decide it’s finally time to listen to those around you, and finally move on. as you’re in the club, you shun away nearly every guy who comes you way. you know they just want you in bed or to make out with you, and that’s not even remotely close to what you want. truthfully you know the only thing you want is mat, everyone knows that.

“y/n you can’t just keep shunning these guys away. you’re missing these opportunities to move on! at least just talk to one, it’ll help you get your mind off of him,” your friend says, gesturing to the guys around you in the club.

“they just want me in bed! i don’t want that,” you shrug, taking a sip of your drink.

“and you think that’s not just what mat wants? stop putting a guard up, these guys aren’t mat. i promise the guys you go home with from the club don’t toy with your emotions the way mat does. you know he’s bad for you, and he knows it too. he takes advantage of the feelings you have for him, so please y/n just talk to someone else here”

her words feel like someone twisted the knife in your heart. you never even realized how bad mat was until now, yet it somehow makes you want him more knowing you can’t have him.

‘and i could wait patiently, but i really wish you would…’

after hearing her words, you subside the pain by drinking. you end up getting so drunk that you end up on your bathroom floor, with mat’s contact fitting the screen of your phone. you drunkenly call him, but he doesn’t answer. so you do the next best thing, leave a drunk voicemail of you crying and drinking even more.

“hi matty. im sorry im sending this, but i need you to know how much i hate you. but god i love you even more. i’m such a mess,” you chuckle, continuing on with your rant, “i can’t keep just seeing you once every blue moon, cause i keep expecting you to text me. i love you too much to be casual, it’s all or nothing. i’m leaving you this message to do whatever you want with. it’s either you call me back and i’m yours, or you keep seeing other girls and lose me. g’night mat,” you say, ending the voicmail.

‘drop everything now meet me in the pouring rain’

you wake up the next morning heavily hungover, and see a missed call from mat. you immediately panic, unaware of the message you left him. the rush of emotions immediately triggers your gag reflex, and you scurry to the bathroom to get rid of the left over alcohol in your system.

once you’re done vomiting, you notice the bottle sitting on the floor, and instantly remember the message you left mat. you groan at your stupidity, and take a shower to clean off the grossness from the club. you then decide to call mat back, since you have nothing better to do. it’s pouring rain outside, meaning you’re stuck indoors until it clears.

pouring rain means the streets of upper manhattan have very few people meandering it, and that’s exactly what you see as you wait for mat to pick up the phone.

“y/n, hi. are you home?” he asks, catching you off guard.

“yes, why? it’s pouring rain where else would i be,” you chuckle nervously.

“i’m coming over, okay?” he says. you can hear him gathering his things, cursing under his breath as he clearly can’t find something he needs.

“what?”

“ah fuck it, forget my keys i’ll just run” he mumbles under his breathe, but you’re unable to understand his words.

“mat what’s going on?”

“i’ll be there in fifteen,” he says before ending the call, leaving you utterly confused. as you pace your apartment, confused on what he could possibly want from you, he knocks on the door of your apartment. you immediately rush to the front door, and notice his soaking wet clothing and hair.

“what the hell?! did you run here?” you ask, immediately turning around to grab a towel. he grabs your arm, pulling you outside in the rain with him.

‘kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain’

“mat what are you-“ you begin to say, but he cuts you off by pressing his lips to yours. you freeze for a second, but immediately kiss back as soon as you realize. after a few moments he pulls back, and you look up at him confused.

“i couldn’t wait any longer and i couldn’t find my keys, so i ran. your voicemail, y/n your voicemail killed me inside. i’m so sorry for hurting you, both when i broke up with you, and for going ghost after every hookup. i just couldn’t manage to get attached again. i need you to realize im bad for you,” he pauses, “but here i am, kissing you in the rain after you drunkenly confessed your love for me,” he chuckles, pausing his rant once again.

“i still love you, and that never went away. i was so stupid when i broke up with you, but i was even more stupid to not say no every time you came crawling back. i only went ghost because i was mad at myself for ruining you, not because i was seeing other girls. how else would i know exactly what you like and where you like it? i’ve only been seeing you,” he admits. you remain silent, taking in all of his words.

mat starts speaking again, “did you really mean it? when you said you’re all mine if i just say the word, did you mean it?” he asks. you nod in reply waiting for what words could come out of his mouth.

“so, will you be mine again?” he asks, his hands now in his front pockets.

“of course mathew, is that even a question?” you softly laugh. your response lights up mats eyes, and he wraps his arm around your waist pulling you in closer. your hands find their way around the back of his neck as your lips connect with his.

‘cause i see sparks fly whenever you smile.’

[hischierdevils]

Forget Us | N.H.

note: part five of the forget series!

summary: you and nico try to move on from the mat drama

warnings: angst, lots of it

wc: 2.4K

You didn’t lie to Nico, not exactly. Mat really wasn’t anyone to you anymore. You felt slightly guilty about omitting the truth to him as the two of you got ready for bed. He can tell it’s still bothering you so he pulls you in close to him once the two of you are settled.

“I love you, y/n.” He kisses your temple before tilting your chin up so he can kiss your lips. “You’re my girl, forever.” 

“I love you too.” You whisper back as you get comfortable in his arms. You can’t help but wonder when forever will end for him. Deep down, you know Nico deserves someone much better than you. Someone without as much baggage. You know it’s only a matter of time until he realizes that and leaves. It’s going to kill you, but you’ll understand. 

Mat blows up your phone the next day with texts. The Islanders are headed to Florida and he asks constantly if the two of you can talk face to face when he gets back. When you ignore him, his texts turn nasty and confirm what you already know.

He’s going to get bored with your drama and move on

You’re not his usual type, y/n

You know you belong with me

I’m the only one that understands you

Let’s talk when I get back

Please

The last message throws you for a loop, you can’t remember a time when Mat asked you nicely for something let alone said please. You’re about to text him back when someone drops into the empty chair beside your desk. 

“Hey, y/n.” Dougie Hamilton smiles at you. “What are you up to?” 

“Just editing pictures.” You respond as you turn your phone face down on your desk. “What are you doing?” 

“I just wanted to check on you and make sure you were alright. It was kind of shitty what happened last night…” 

You chew on your lip as he trails off. Nico wasn’t the only one blindsided by the information that Mat was your ex it seems. “I’m alright.” You confirm. “Nico and I talked about everything and we’re good.” 

Dougie smiles at you. “Yeah, I wasn’t worried about you two. You two were made for each other.” He chuckles. “I just want to make sure Barzal didn’t say anything to you. I heard what he was saying on the ice during the third period and I hope he never talked to you like that.” 

“No, I'm alright.” You lie as your phone buzzes on your desk again. 

Dougie sees right through you. “Y/n, say the word and I'll kick his ass.” 

It warms your heart to know that he’d do that for you. That Nico defended your honor last night. No one’s ever done that for you before. “You don’t need to fight anyone for me, Ham.”

“I do need to get to practice though.” Dougie says as he looks at his phone. He stands up and pats the top of your head. “I’m here if you ever need to talk.”

“Thank you.” You smile up at the tall defensemen. “Have a good practice.” 

As soon as he leaves your office, you block Mat’s number once again. You finally found a place where you belonged, and you weren’t going to allow Mat to take anything else away from you. 

For a week, everything goes back to normal. You feel slightly guilty every time you look at Nico’s split lip but he assures you that it doesn’t hurt. It’s not until Friday when you go out with Abby that you realize Mat isn’t giving up so easily the second time.

“He’s been driving Tito and I nuts.” Abby tells you after her third margarita. “He’s been asking me a bunch of questions about you. What even happened between the two of you?” 

You never told Abby about the way Mat treated you. You didn’t want your failed relationship to come between Anthony and Abby or make anyone take sides. All you told her was that the distance became too much for you, she had no idea you meant emotional distance. 

“We just didn’t work out.” You shrug as you sip your drink. 

“Was Nico mad?” She asks you.

“More like…disappointed.” You answer. “But we worked it out.”

“Good.” Abby smiles at you. “I can’t wait to be your maid of honor.” 

“Abby!” You choke on your drink and some of it comes out of your nose. “We haven’t talked about marriage.”

“Y/n, I see the way he looks at you. That man adores you.” 

You smile and take a big gulp of your drink so you don’t have to admit that Nico only loves a version of you. Once he sees how broken you are he won’t want to stick around. 

Nico’s sleeping on the couch when you get home and you quietly walk over to him and kiss him awake. “Hi, love.” He smiles sleepily and puckers his lips for another kiss. 

You happily oblige before holding your hands out for his. “Why are you out here?” You ask him. 

He places his hands in yours and allows you to pull him up off the couch. “I didn’t want to go to sleep without you.” He says as he pulls you in for a tight hug. “Wanted to make sure you were safe.” 

Your heart swells as you nuzzle your face into Nico’s chest. Sometimes your feelings for him overwhelm you so much you’re sure your heart is going to burst. “I love you.” You mumble into his sweatshirt. 

He kisses the top of your head and mumbles something in german. All you catch is ‘beautiful girl’ before he leads you to your shared bedroom and shows you how much he loves you. 

The next day, when Nico’s at practice, you unblock Mat and send him a message asking him to leave Abby alone and let you go. He responds by calling you. Stupidly, you pick up. 

“What do you want?” You’re exasperated when you answer. 

“You. I’ve only ever wanted you, y/n.” His voice is deeper than you remember. Has he been crying?

“It’s too late, Mat.” You glance nervously at the door even though Nico shouldn’t be home for another hour. “We’ve been over. You need to move on.”

“How do you expect me to do that when I never got closure?” He asks. “You ghosted me, y/n.”

You try to swallow the lump in your throat. He’s technically right. You did block him without so much as a goodbye. “You ignored me on my birthday.” 

“I didn’t ignore you! I was busy. I tried calling you that night but you blocked me.” His voice rises in anger and he pauses to calm down. “Can we please just meet up and talk about what happened? It’ll be good for both of us.” 

You sigh and look over at the fridge where a picture of you and Nico on the jersey shore from the summer hangs. “We’re leaving for a roadie tomorrow. I can’t.” 

“Tonight then. You can come over at six.” His voice becomes hopeful.

You squeeze your eyes shut as your head and your heart scream different things at you. “I’m not going to your place. We can meet somewhere in public.”

“That diner you loved in Manhattan.” His suggestion surprises you. You didn’t think he’d remember something like that considering he never wanted to go with you. “Andrews is it?” 

“Yeah, that’s fine. Six o’clock.” You agree. “And Mat? This is just for closure.”

“Yeah, sure, babe. See you then.” He hangs up before you can change your mind. 

For the rest of the afternoon you argue with yourself, debating on if you should go or not. You know that if you don’t go, Mat’s going to continue to harass you and your friends. Maybe if the two of you talk it out he'll understand why you ended it the way you did.

You almost lose all your nerve when Nico gets home. He finds you on the couch absentmindedly watching a movie and kisses your forehead before dropping down on the couch beside you. “What do you want for dinner tonight, love?”

“Um.” You swallow and look away from him so you don’t have to lie straight to his face. “I’m going to dinner with Abby actually.”

“But you just had girls night last night?” He responds.

“I know but she called earlier, she and Anthony are having problems again so I said i’d meet her for dinner.” You feel guilty lying to him but you need to get Mat to leave the two of you alone. 

“You’re a good friend.” Nico tells you. “We can watch a movie when you get back.” 

“Sounds good to me.”

You don’t put much effort in your appearance, wearing an old t-shirt and jeans to go meet Mat. Nico’s in the living room playing a video game online with Jonas when you get ready to leave the apartment so you kiss him on the cheek. “Ich liebe dich.” He winks at you and mouths it back before turning his attention back to his game. 

Mat is already sitting in the restaurant when you arrive. He’s dressed nicely in a button down shirt and jeans and he looks like he has a fresh haircut. A wide smirk takes over his face as you slide in the booth opposite him. 

“It’s so good to see you.” He says as he leans forward to rest his elbows on the table. “You look good.” He’s already ordered you both a cup of coffee and they sit on the table untouched. 

“Let’s not drag this out.” You respond as you anxiously tug on your ponytail. “I’m here so we can both have closure. That’s it.” 

Mat shifts in his seat and spreads his legs underneath the table, bumping your knee with his. “We both messed up.” He says. “But we can fix this y/n. I want to be with you. Really with you.” He tries to hold your hand but you snatch it off the table before he can. 

“I don’t want to be with you, Mat. I’m happy with Nico.” Your voice doesn’t sound as confident as you feel about that. 

“If you’re so happy with him, why did you come?” He raises an eyebrow at you. 

“To tell you to leave us alone. Leave Abby alone. What you and I had wasn’t good for either of us and you know it. Just let it go.” You sigh. 

Mat shakes his head as he looks you over. “How could you forget us just like that? Admit it, you wanted to come see me.”

“I want you to leave me and my boyfriend alone.” Your voice has more conviction this time as you sit up straighter. 

Mat’s smirk turns into a sneer. “Where does your boyfriend think you are right now?” When you don’t answer he laughs. “Guess you two aren’t that happy if you’re lying to him.” 

“It’s none of your business, Mat. We’re done. I don’t ever want to see you again.” You start to slide out of the booth but he grabs your wrist tightly. 

“He’s going to leave you sooner or later, y/n.” You tug your arm out of his grasp and stand up in a huff. “I’ll be waiting to pick up the pieces.”

“You don’t know anything about him.” Your hand trembles as you reach into your pocket to throw a couple dollars on the table for the waitress. “Have a nice life.” 

You were in and out of the restaurant in less than ten minutes. It’s a thirty minute train ride back to Jersey and you allow some frustration tears to fall as you wait to get back to Nico. You shouldn’t have been expecting anything more from Mat and you feel stupid for agreeing to go in the first place. 

When you walk in the door, you can immediately tell something is wrong. The apartment is eerily quiet and you find Nico sitting on the couch staring at a blank tv. “Hey, are you ready for the movie?” You ask as you stop a few feet away from him. 

He stands up and makes eye contact with you which allows you to see how red his eyes are. “Where have you been y/n?” His voice is soft but you can tell he’s in pain. 

You dig your nails into your palm as you squeeze your hands into fists. “I told you I met with Abby-”

“Abby was just here, dropping off some clothes she borrowed.” The blood in your veins turns to ice. “She said her and Tito are fine. She hadn’t talked to you all day.” 

You feel a lump rising in your throat and you try to swallow it down. It’s time to come clean. “I met Mat. It was just to get closure…” 

Nico recoils from your words as if it’s a physical blow. “How long have you been talking to him?” 

“It’s not like that, Nico.” You step forward to reach for him but he moves away from you. 

“You agreed that we’d tell each other everything.” His voice is strangely calm.

“I know, and I'm sorry.” Tears line your eyes but you blink them away. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Ni. I just wanted him to leave us alone-”

“I can’t even look at you right now.” His words hit you like a slap to the face as he walks by you and heads for the door. 

“Nico, wait!” You follow him as your tears start to fall. “You said you wouldn’t leave.” You remind him as you pull on his sleeve.

“And you said you would tell the truth!” He doesn’t raise his voice as he turns to face you but you almost wish he had. The disappointment is so much worse. “I guess we both made promises we couldn’t keep.” 

“Nico, please. I love you.” You let out a sob as he opens the door to your apartment. “Where are you going?” 

He pauses in the doorway to take one last look at you. There’s tears in his eyes as he shakes his head. “I’m going to Jack’s. I need time to think.” 

He shuts the door without another word and you sink to the floor as your emotions overwhelm you. You just lost the best thing you ever had and it’s no one’s fault but your own.

[cowboybarzy]

Can you write something where Mat Barzal came back sore from a game and the reader give him a massage ?

hii yes I absolutely can!! ugh I just really want to give him a massage. that would be the dream lol

word count: 452

"Hey," you called with an empathetic smile as your boyfriend came walking towards you. "Rough game."

Mat grunted in response but still put his arm around you, pulling you into a much needed hug. The Isles had just lost 4:0 against a team they should have won against, so needless to say it was a very rough loss. Plus Mat got hit pretty bad and had to sit a few minutes of the game out before he was able to return.

"Are you ok? That hit looked pretty bad." He nodded against the top of your head, taking a deep breath before he answered.

"Yeah, I'm super sore though."

"Want me to give you a massage to make you feel better?" You looked up at him with a smile and you saw the corners of his lips lift up slightly. "Fuck yes, let's go home."

At home, Mat immediately got undressed and slipped into only a pair of sweatpants before falling face first into bed. You chuckled, seeing him so exhausted and struggle to get his massage gun out of his nightstand. You got some oils, too, and then settled just below his butt. "Ok, where exactly does it hurt?"

"Everywhere," he groaned. "But the right shoulder blade mostly." You spread some oil on that area and then started massaging the muscles gently. As your hands glided over his shoulder, you moved on the other areas relieving some of the tension. He sighed in relief every so often.

Then you got ahold of the massage gun to get a deeper massage of the tense muscles. "Fuck," Mat moaned in pain, burying his face in the pillows.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry." You moved to his other shoulder and then his lower back, before returning to the right shoulder. He was still tense and just had to suffer through it before it would feel better.

"A little more left," he muffled through the pillows and you did what he requested. "Ah, yes!"

After a few more minutes you turned around and did his calves and thighs, to which he moaned in pain most of time but would be thankful for afterwards. "Better?," you asked, turning back around and laying on top of him. He nodded and mumbled a quiet 'thank you'. You pressed a kiss to his cheek and made yourself comfortable on his back, lightly massaging his head with your fingers as you laid in bed listening to the soft music in the background. You stayed like this for another while, before getting ready for bed and although it was Mat's idea to watch some TV, he fell asleep in your arms not even a few minutes into the episode.

[jackhues]

naqia's masterlist!

here are a list of all of my works! f = fluff, a = angst, m = mix of moods, p = personal fav, i = instagram edit, h/c = hurt/comfort

nhl

the best feeling - jamie drysdale (ana) f

uh... tuesday? - jamie drysdale (ana) m

i promise - jamie drysdale (ana) f

to be with you - jamie drysdale (ana) f

hardlaunch - trevor zegras (ana) f i

a good one - jack quinn (buff) f

like it very much - devon levi (buff) f

in love love - alex lyon (det) f p

warm - jack hughes (njd) f p

christmas mornings - jack hughes (njd) f

toxic - jack hughes (njd) a p

"i'm sorry" - jack hughes (njd) a

perfect - nico hischier (njd) f

a secret - šimon nemec (njd) f

the one - mat barzal (nyi) a p

bad reaction - mat barzal (nyi) a

bad reaction pt. 2 - mat barzal (nyi) a f

bad reaction pt.2 (au) - mat barzal (nyi) f a

playoffs - matthew knies (tor) f i

he'll be okay - matthew knies (tor) f

karma - auston matthews (tor) f

mrs hughes - quinn hughes (van) f i

officially mrs hughes - quinn hughes pt.2 to above (van) f i

pillow - quinn hughes (van) f

three in the morning - quinn hughes (van) f

mango dragon refresher - quinn hughes (van) f a h/c

f1

world tour - charles leclerc (ferrari) i

ferrari?! - charles leclerc (ferrari) pt 2 to above i

vamos - charles leclerc (ferrari) i

maybe she's just a fan - charles leclerc (ferrari) pt 2 to above i p

better half - charles leclerc (ferrari) i p

break up songs - oscar piastri (mclaren) i f p

it's not hate (part 1/3) - oscar piastri (mclaren) i p

and maybe it's not love (part 2/3) - oscar piastri (mclaren) i p

but it's something stronger (part 3/3) - oscar piastri (mclaren) i p

mlb

dancing in the rain - bo bichette (tbj) f

cold hands - bo bichette (tbj) f

[starshine-hockey-girl]

The Invisible String

Summary - Rocky is from Texas, looking to make it big as a tattoo artist in NY. What happens when Rocky meets NY Islanders forward Anthony Beauvillier and two people so unalike discover that they have more in common than they think. Will their invisible string lead to love or friendship?

This is my very late entry to the summer fic exchange. Yes, I am aware that it is the middle of October. The "No results and a story" excuse is that I got a huge case of writer's block followed by an ass-whooping of self doubt. However, I powered through it, and then the story just grew into this massively long piece. (17.2K- yikes)

This is written for @jarmorie who requested a reader insert or OC (she/her preferred). fluff, hurt/comfort, friends to lovers pls I would die with Anthony Beauvillier. Jarmorie is also a big Taylor Swift fan so I tried to incorporate as much Swift content as I could.

Acknowledgements and thank yous-

@laurenairay, I can't thank you enough for pinch hitting for me when I missed the deadline. I am incredibly thankful for your endless encouragement. I hope you enjoy your brief, but pivotal cameo

@cellythefloshie - Thank you for the encouragement and embracing my verbose nature.

@dreamofstarlight and @fallinallincurls for sharing their Swiftie knowledge. I hope that I do that I did Queen Taylor justice.

@wyattjohnston - one for organizing these fic exchanges. It's a tiring and thankless task. Thank you for understanding my struggle and not shaming me.

@jarmorie I am sorry that the story was so delayed. I really wanted to write something that give you everything that you wanted.

@pattiemac1 and @penstxgal1968 for being the best support system ever. Seriously, they both deserve writing credit for all of their ideas.

Gorgeous

Inked On Ice Tattoo Shop -  Long Island, NY

“Inked on Ice, how may I help you?” Daisy yawned as the shop’s computer fired up and she settled into her chair. 

“Uh yeah,” the deep voice on the line answered, “My buddy and I want to get some ink today. Do you have anyone available?” Daisy glanced at the artist's calendars. 

“Well, it’s going to depend on size, subject and budget. What do you have in mind?” she answered quickly. After a brief discussion, Daisy honed in on available artists. “Do you want to do back to back appointments or get inked at the same time?” she asked. 

She could hear a discussion on the other end. The bland voice in a spirited discussion with another voice with a slight French accent. “Barzy,” the second said with authority, “I do not need you to hold my hand while I get a tattoo. We can get inked at the same time.” 

Daisy’s ears perked up at the name Barzy. “Can I get your names?” she asked as casually as possible as New York Islanders Mat Barzal gave his name along with Anthony Beauvillier. The tattoo shop was owned by Cameron Davies, a former New York Islander. Daisy knew that Cameron would want the pair treated with kid gloves. She examined the schedule again and made an executive decision. She would schedule the more complicated tattoo, Anthony, with JD Porter, master tattoo artist, who just had a last minute cancellation. She would schedule the simpler design, Mat Barzal, with Rocky, JD’s apprentice. . 

“So Tito is with JD and I am with Rocky? Sounds good,” the NHL upstart stated as they confirmed details, “See you at 6 PM.”

In the cozy one bedroom apartment, Rocky picked up the phone and quickly read the text from Daisy. “Yes….” Rocky whispered to no one in particular. As a tattoo apprentice, paying customers were difficult to come by. The last minute addition would give her just enough to pay her share of the rent. Given that most of her time at the shop was unpaid, Rocky’s contribution to the rent was more symbolic than practical. Kelly made enough to cover their expenses and then some, but Rocky insisted on contributing, even if it was essentially meaningless.

“Rocky!” Kelly screamed, “Are you even listening to me? We need to leave in fifteen minutes if we are going to be on time.” 

“Of course, I’m listening.” Rocky replied, “Listen- don’t be mad, but I can’t go with you. I gotta to work tonight. I scored a last minute tattoo.”

“An actual tattoo?” Kelly mocked, “or will it be another night of cleaning and wiping up after the professionals?” 

“Ouch,” Rocky replied, “You know that is part of apprenticeship. I have to pay my dues.”

Rocky’s tattoo apprenticeship was a source of contention in their relationship. The couple had moved to Long Island from Dallas as a stepping stone in Kelly’s financial services career. Together since high school, Kelly disapproved of Rocky’s fascination with all things tattoo. The financial analyst with the fast-rising career wanted a partner that would fit into the corporate world. Rocky decidedly did not fit that mold even if Kelly couldn't admit it.  The apprenticeship highlighted their vastly different career paths and their relationship bore small fissures as a result. 

“Listen,” Rocky pleaded in an attempt to head off another fight about the apprenticeship. Kelly was convinced it was going nowhere. “It’s an actual tattoo so I will get paid,” Rocky explained, “Also apparently these two guys are some sort of VIPs. The fact that Daisy and Cameron are giving one of them to me to ink is a good sign. I can’t turn it down.”

Kelly stood in disbelief and tried to summon anger at Rocky and none came. Honestly, it was a relief to put off introducing Rocky to conservative co-workers a little longer. “Fine,” Kelly said bitterly, “I’ll see you when you get home.”

Two hours later at the shop, Rocky waited patiently to the side as JD inspected the set-up of her station tucked away in the smallest room in the shop. As a mentor, JD held Rocky to a high standard. An Apprenticeship endorsed by him would carry weight within the tattoo community and JD wanted Rocky to be prepared. He gave a nod and Rocky let out a sigh of relief. Together they walked out to the lobby. 

Cameron stood talking to the two athletes about his glory days with the Islanders. Rocky could tell right away that both had passed from polite attention to “oh my god, get us out here” by the tone of their voices. After the third “that’s crazy,’ uttered by Barzal, Cameron noticed JD and Rocky standing there. When he waved them over, Barzal and Beauvillier turned to look over their shoulders. Barzal blinked and gulped while Beauvillier offered a shy smile before looking down at the floor. 

Rocky approached Barzal and extended her hand to him, “Hi, I’m Rocky. I think that you are with me tonight.”

“You’re…..You’re….. “ Barzal stammered, “a woman.” Rocky took a step back and dropped her hand in disappointment. JD and Rocky exchanged a glance before Rocky let out a sigh. Usually any pushback she received came from men much older than Barzal so she was honestly a little shocked. Mat looked stunned. “Wait, I am getting tattooed by a woman?” he asked out loud. 

“Is there a problem?” JD asked as he looked Barzal in the eye. 

“Look, I don’t want to sound sexist here, but…..” he started to say, “I just was expecting a man. I am pretty sure the girl who made the appointment said "man.”

“I did not,” Daisy interjected, “I know for a fact I said no such thing.” When Rocky began as the first female tattoo artist in the shop’s history, Cameron and crew did not anticipate the push-back from their largely male clientele. Most guys came in because of the hockey/Islanders connection and well, their views on gender roles were not exactly progressive. The shop had adopted the policy of referring to all of the artists as gender-neutral as possible. Daisy, Cameron’s wife and partner, was especially intentional about it. Other than a few clients shocked to be facing a petite, brunette pixie of an artist, there had been no issues. 

Rocky looked to Cameron and back to Barzal. She knew that Cameron would want to keep Barzal as a client but also did not want to face the wrath of Daisy for caving in. She was about to speak when Tito Beauvillier spoke up. “She can do my tattoo,” he spoke softly at first to everyone’s surprise. Rocky turned to face the blonde and studied his face. He gave a gentle smile and spoke louder, “Yeah, I think I want her to do my tattoo.”

“I have to let you know that she is still in her apprenticeship. Just so that you are aware, she may not be able to give you the tattoo that you want,” JD explained. A pained look flashed in Rocky’s eyes and Tito took notice. Rocky hated the implication that just because she was still in an apprenticeship that she was less talented. She sucked in a deep breath that she hoped went unnoticed. She was mostly successful with the exception of Tito. He recognized the frustration of being underestimated. 

Then JD turned to Barzy, “It also means that you are going to pay more for my time. It’s up to you.”

Barzal began to hem and haw. His mouth had gotten the better of him and he had stuck his foot so far into it that he didn’t think it would be possible to retrieve. Even if he changed his mind and selected Rocky, the damage was done. Finally Tito spoke again firmly, “No way Barzy. You had your shot at her and you blew it. I want her now.” His eyes fell onto Rocky’s face and he gave a slight nod. 

Rocky laughed out loud, “Well then, let’s get to work.” 

The tiny brunette led Tito to her small section of the studio. She pointed to the table and chairs in the corner. He sat down as she picked up a notebook to take notes. “I have a few questions,” Rocky began as the scent of his cologne wafted into her nostrils. She inhaled and let out a small moan before she realized it. Tito cleared his throat and Rocky blushed in response. “The notes say that this is your first tattoo. Is that correct?” she asked in earnest, “What made you decide to do it today?”

Tito blinked slowly and thought. He hadn’t anticipated the question and was stumped for an answer. Finally he spoke, “I’ve always wanted a tattoo, but never got around to it. When Barzy said he was coming, I decided that I would go ahead and do it.” Rocky nodded her head as she listened. 

“So do you have a design or an idea in mind?” she questioned. 

“Yeah, I found this on the internet and thought it would be cool,” he answered as he fished his phone out of his pocket. Rocky waited patiently as he scrolled this phone. Finally he found the picture and held his phone out to her. She took the phone and looked at the picture. 

Rocky blinked slowly and zoomed in on the picture. Internally, her mind raced with thought “No fucking way”, but her reasoning kicked in. Technically, it would be a challenge which pleased her, but something just didn’t sit well with her. 

She looked up to see him looking at her with hopeful eyes. “Do you like it?” he asked. Rocky flashed a smile similar to a mother gave a child when presented with a treasured piece of artwork. 

“You don’t like it?” he questioned. 

“I didn’t say that,” she replied quickly. 

“You didn’t say it out loud, but it’s what you were thinking,” he countered. 

“It doesn’t matter what I think,” she responded, “You are a paying client. If you want that design, then that’s what we will do.” Rocky bit her lip and paused before speaking again, “Let me talk to JD and get his thoughts. I want to be sure about some of the technical aspects.” She was trying to buy time to think of ways to politely talk Tito out of his design idea. Rocky walked over to JD’s station just as he was placing the stencil on Barzal’s arm. 

“Hey, before you get started,” Rocky started, “Can we go over his design?” They walked away and began an animated conversation. 

Tito looked down the hall at Rocky and watched intently. Her hands gestured wildly as she spoke with passion. He couldn’t make out the words, but whatever she said, it was said with conviction. Barzal nudged Tito with his arm, “So she is…… uhhhh…. different.” Tito continued to stare without answering. “Beau!” Barzal said loud enough to draw the attention of JD and Rocky. 

Tito was caught staring at Rocky before he quickly turned around to face Barzal with a scowl. “Did you have to yell?” he spoke softly. 

“You weren’t answering me,” his friend replied with a laugh, “I don’t like to be ignored.” 

Tito looked back over his shoulder quickly before he answered, “Technically, it wasn't a question, but a statement. Yes, I agree. She is quite unique. By the way, what was up with your attitude earlier? You think she can't tattoo because she is a woman?"

"No, that’s not it,” Barzal shot back, “I had a big, burly guy named Rocky in my head so when the pixie queen of tattoos came out, I was surprised. I put my foot in my mouth.”

Tito began to respond but noticed the duo of tattoo artists were walking back to them. 

Rocky gave what could be best described as her “customer service” smile and gestured to Tito to go back into her section. He gave a shrug to Barzal and followed her. Then he turned around to Barzal who watched, “You know what you need to do.” Barzal nodded and followed JD back to the table. 

The sound of Barzal’s soft yelp and the buzz of JD’s tattoo needle floated into Rocky’s section as they sat down again. 

“Soooooo…” Tito smiled. 

“So now that I had the technical questions I had about the design answered. I can certainly do it for you,” she smiled. 

“Why do I feel like there is a ‘but’ hanging in the air?” Tito smiled. 

“There is no but, you want the design then I will give you the correct one,” she replied coolly. 

“Rocky, tell me the truth,” Tito urged her to answer. 

“How does he know I am lying?” she questioned herself. She looked into his eyes and saw his genuine concern. She paused and thought about her answer. For some people tattoos were just not that deep, but she got the sense that Tito wasn’t one of those people. She decided to flip the script. “What is it about the design that you like?” she asked. 

“Well, I like the black and gray,” he began. When she nodded in understanding, he continued, “I liked the logo because I play for the Islanders” When her nose scrunched ever so slightly, he asked, ”What do you not like about the design?”

“This is a design for every wannabe hockey bro that wasn’t good enough to make it to the NHL,” she blurted out, “Why do you want to look like every other Goomba out there? This design tells me nothing about you as a person. It’s bland and generic and that’s not you. You’re not bland and generic.”

Tito laughed, “Tell me how you really feel.”

Rocky’s eyes flashed up and held his gaze, “Look, maybe I should take the easy money and give the tattoo you want, but that’s not the kind of artist I want to be,” she answered with passion, “I want my work to mean something, both to my client and to me. It’s probably not going to make me “successful”, but that’s really not my goal anyway.” She sighed dramatically, “And that’s not even the most obvious objection to it.” 

“And what’s the most obvious objection to it?” Tito questioned as he studied the design again. 

“When is your contract up? Do you have some sort of non-trade clause?” she asked plainly. He blinked slowly. She continued, “Seriously? When is your contract up?”

“2024,” he said softly as he began to process what she was saying, “I have another season and a half.” 

“And you’re sure that they are going to re-sign you?” she prodded, “I don’t know too much about hockey so I don’t know if you are good or not. I do know that tattooing your team name on your body seems like the hockey equivalent to tattooing your girlfriend or wife’s name on your body. It’s a lovely gesture at the moment, but what do you do when things go south?”

Tito gulped and spit out, “I see your heart and soul is as black as your jet black hair.”

Rocky sat up straight, “Would you rather me not say anything?”

“No, you’re right,” he laughed, “You’re totally right. It looks like I am not getting a tattoo, at least tonight.” They sat silently and looked at each other. Both of them sizing the other up. Finally Tito spoke, “So if you think this design is trash, what design do you think I should get.”

“Something unique, something that tells a story about you,” Rocky pondered out loud. 

“Unique? What’s unique about me? I am just a guy who plays hockey,” Tito challenged. 

“Nah, you are so much more than that,” Rocky answered a little too quickly. 

“How can you tell?” he quizzed. 

“That twinkle in your eye,” Rocky smiled, “There is a whole world hidden behind the twinkles in your eyes.” 

Tito leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, “I could say the same about you.” 

Rocky blushed momentarily before the vibration on her phone drew her attention. It was a text from Kelly letting her know that he would be home late. His department decided on dinner after drinks. Rocky shook her head and silently admonished herself. She wouldn’t exactly call her behavior flirting, but it definitely wasn’t strictly professional. Rocky looked up into Tito’s soft blue eyes again. She was right. There was a whole world hidden in there. A world that she wanted to know more about. 

“I could design something for you,” she blurted out before she processed the thought.

“I would be honored,” he answered quickly, surprising himself. 

“So tell me about yourself, Mr. Beauvillier,” she leaned forward and put her chin into her hand while her elbow rested on the table. 

“Well, I was born in Quebec….” he began. 

She held up a finger and grabbed a pen and paper to write notes and sketch ideas. She motioned for him to continue and he did. Every once in a while he would lean forward to sneak a peek at what she wrote down or doodled. She pushed him away with a playful shove and smile

An hour later Rocky jumped at the sound of JD’s loud knocks. “Hey,” he said with a frown on his face, “We’re done in here.” Tito looked up with a smile. JD. grunted and turned around. 

“What’s his problem?” Tito nodded his head at the door. 

Rocky shrugged her shoulders, “He’s probably pissed that he is going to miss his cut of my fee.” Tito tilted his head in question. “Since he is my mentor, he gets a cut of my fee along with the shop,” she explained, “No tattoo, no fee.” 

“If it’s about the money, I am happy to pay,” Tito offered

Rocky neatly piled up her things. “He’s probably pissed too since he told me just to do the damn design.” she added. They walked out together and waited as Daisy cashed Barzal out. 

“Beau,” Barzal popped off, “What? Did you wimp out?”

“Nah,” Tito answered, “I convinced her to work with me on a custom design. I am thinking of a half sleeve to start that we can add onto later down the road.” JD’s eyebrows raised and Rocky shrugged her shoulders. Barzal turned to them, “What do you think? Pretty badass, huh?”

Rocky suppressed a giggle, “Oh, totally. You’re like the Lion King. Should I call you Simba?” Tito guffawed until Barzal shot him a look. 

“Hurry up so I can pay, Simba,” Tito joked. Barzal casually flipped him off and turned to pay.

“Pay for what? You didn’t get a tattoo?” Rocky said in a stunned voice. 

“Yes, I do need to pay. We were in a consultation. JD, what’s the price per hour for consultations?” Tito looked over to ask Rocky’s mentor. 

“One fifty,” he answered tersely. Rocky bit her lip. He quoted a rate that was double her normal rate and Tito hadn’t blinked an eye. Of course, she knew that JD’s reasons were not altruistic at all. A higher rate meant a higher cut for him and the shop. It also meant that he could now charge Barzal double his normal rate for the basic tattoo he did. Rocky admired his hustle, even if she felt guilty about Tito paying more than necessary for it. 

After Barzal paid, Tito cleared his throat loudly and nodded to Rocky. Barzal shot him a look of confusion. Tito muttered under his breath, “apologize”. Rocky’s head shot up and she looked at Tito who shrugged his shoulders. Barzal nodded in understanding. 

“Uhhhh, Rocky?” Barzal started, “I apologize for earlier. I really wasn’t trying to knock you as an artist. I really was just expecting a big, burly guy based on the name. No offense meant.” Rocky smiled and looked down as she contemplated how long to make the hockey phenom squirm. “Seriously, I am not really a sexist pig,” he continued, “I have much respect for women.”

“Sure you do,” Rocky laughed.

“I swear I do,” Barzal squeaked, “Tell her Beau.”

Tito paused to allow him to sit in his discomfort, “I can attest that Barzy is a great admirer of women who happened to stick his foot so far into his mouth that he is choking on it. I am not sure if it's because of the nasty toe jam or God-awful odor.” Barzal’s mouth dropped open in disbelief.

Rocky giggled, “It’s okay, Simba. I am just busting your balls out of amusement. A little bit of friendly fire, I suppose.”

Barzal shot Tito a glare. “Thanks. It looks like I may need new friends these days,” he smiled as the group walked toward the exit. Rocky and Tito exchanged numbers, which did not go unnoticed by Barzal. When he questioned Tito in the car afterwards, Tito dismissed his comment. “It will be easier to set up time to go over ideas directly with her.” 

“Whatever you say,” Barzal retorted, “I am sure it has nothing to do with the puppy dog eyes you make when looking at her. No, not at all.”

Inside the tattoo parlor, Cameron buzzed about the potential exposure the shop would receive if Barzal posted his new tattoo on social media. JD looked like a deer caught in headlights. While a master tattoo artist, JD was woefully behind the times on social media, considering it an unnecessary evil. Rocky shook her head, “I’ll take care of it.” 

Kelly was sitting on the couch when Rocky arrived back at their apartment. She walked over and kissed the top of his head as he watched Squawk Box on CNBC. “How did the dinner go?” she asked softly. She began stripping as he watched the television. 

“Huh?” he answered as he glanced over at her bare torso as she stripped off her leggings. 

“I said how did the dinner go? Were you able to talk to Ross about your idea?” she asked as she walked into the bedroom to grab one of his large t-shirts to sleep. 

“Oh yeah,” he answered, “We just need the go ahead from Grant and we will be good to go. Hey, I brought you dessert from the restaurant.” 

Rocky walked back out and smiled, “That’s great. We both got good news tonight.” Kelly had turned his attention back to the television. She sighed and walked into the kitchen, opened the take out bag and stared at the cheesecake in the container. It was covered in strawberry syrup. She looked at Kelly in disbelief and then shook her head. Rocky’s favorite was, indeed, cheesecake, but she was allergic to strawberries. She had been since childhood. Kelly knew this, or at least had been told at least a dozen times. He probably scanned the menu, saw the cheesecake and ordered it in hurry. It was the little details that he ignored that drove her crazy. When he was in his "work zone", he lost all focus on anything else.

She placed the cheesecake into the refrigerator. She mumbled something about going to bed. She glanced at her phone and saw the text notifications. 

Rocky looked at her phone and her eyes widened. She had almost 1,000 new followers including Tito, Barzal and a half a dozen other Islanders. 

Thursday- Inked on Ice- Long Island

JD did a double take when Rocky passed him on her way to her station. Rocky’s de facto uniform for work days was a vintage concert or slogan t-shirt with distressed jeans. Today, however, she wore form-fitting black leather pants paired with a crisp white button down shirt. The shirt unbuttoned just enough to reveal a hot pink spaghetti strap camisole. Her hair had also been artfully piled atop her head with a hot pink bandana in the “Rosie the Riveter” look. Most of the staff had a similar reaction. 

“What?” she questioned when Daisy let out a low whistle, "I just felt like dressing up."

“I hope you are comfortable because you are now officially booked solid," Daisy smiled. 

Rocky blinked and swallowed deep. She was finally coming into her own as a tattoo artist. She was still doing smaller and less intricate designs but her technique improved with each one. She took her schedule and got ready for her first appointment. 

Seven hours later, Tito walked into the shop. Daisy immediately greeted him, "Rocky is wrapping up a tattoo. It should be a few minutes." Tito took notice of Rocky's neatly labeled portfolio. The contents mainly consisted of small tattoos that she had done in a variety of styles. The mix was split evenly between color and gray. In the back were larger, more intricate designs.

He was lost in thought when Rocky approached from behind.  "See anything you are interested in?

"They are all great," he said after he collected himself, "I like these landscape ones. That one reminds me of my days playing on an outdoor rink."

Rocky leaned forward to confirm which drawing he meant. Her breath felt warm against his neck and he inhaled her perfume. "Oh, that one? Let's go talk in my section," she said softly, oblivious to his reaction. She turned around and walked back to her small room. Tito gulped and turned to follow. His eyes involuntarily swept over her body as she walked in front of him. 

She was already sitting down when he entered. He stopped at the door and observed her as she pulled out her sketch pad and pencils. "Either come inside or go get me coffee," she joked.

"Coffee?" he asked, "What's your order?"

"Unsweet iced coffee with an extra shot and skim milk, 2 pumps of sugar free vanilla syrup, 2 Splenda and light caramel drizzle," she answered without looking up.

"You know I have zero shot of getting that right," he smiled.

"Beauregard, if you can remember the draft line-up of your draft in order, then you can remember this," she looked up and flashed a smile. He laughed softly. "Or you could just tell them Rocky's usual," she smiled wider, "Whatever is easier."

"You’re a regular over there?" he asked as he began to leave.

"Yes, and I tip very well. Don't ruin my rep, Beauregard," she warned, "Go and let me work. I am inspired."

"Beauregard?" He stopped, "You can't call me Tito or Beau like everyone else?"

"Do I look like a woman who does what everyone else does?' she retorted.

"Silly me," he sighed, "and to think I am paying to go be your coffee bitch." He waited for a response but she had focused on her paper again. 

When he returned with her iced coffee, music was playing. She expertly added shading to the drawing while she sang. https://open.spotify.com/track/1ZY1PqizIl78geGM4xWlEA?si=eebcaf1014c24c38

But if you're single that's honestly worse

'Cause you're so gorgeous it actually hurts

(Honey, it hurts)

Ocean blue eyes looking in mine

I feel like I might sink and drown and die

You're so gorgeous

I can't say anything to your face (to your face)

'Cause look at your face (look at your face)

And I'm so furious

At you for making me feel this way (this way)

But what can I say?

You're gorgeous

He watched her for a moment before he involuntarily started singing as well.

You make me so happy, it turns back to sad, yeah

There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have

You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad (mmh)

You make me so happy, it turns back to sad, yeah

There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have and

Guess I'll just stumble on home to my cats (yeugh)

Alone, unless you wanna come along (oh)

Rocky looked up when she heard his voice and smiled. Tito gallantly presented her with her complex coffee order. He glanced over at the picture before teasing, “So you’re a Swiftie? That’s surprising.” 

“Why?” she asked. 

He made a hand gesture up and down. “The hair, the tattoos, piercings all scream metal goth girl, but here you are jamming away to basic white girl music while drinking basic white girl coffee. Color me confused.”

“That’s what you get when you judge a book by its cover. You miss the complexity of most humans,” she said philosophically. “By the way, I did notice you jamming along. Are there a lot of Swifties in the NHL?”

“Nah, my ex, Tiffany, was one," he answered, "I became one by osmosis."

"Really?" She replied, "My boyfriend just mocks me."

“Ahhhhh,” Tito, “He doesn’t know what he is missing. Taylor Swift is a musical genius.”

"Well, well, well," Rocky whistled, "Look who is the basic white girl now.” 

“Shut up and show me the sketch that you have been so focused on,” he answered as he rolled his eyes. 

She slid the sketch pad over to him and looked up at him with hopeful eyes. “I tried to incorporate everything that we talked about last time,” she said quietly. Rocky wasn’t sure as she was filled with apprehension suddenly. Her art was one of the few areas of her life that she was sure about these days. 

Tito gingerly touched the sketch pad and took in each detail of the illustration. He was surprised by the lack of color, but it was so effective that he couldn’t imagine the piece in anything but simple black and gray. It was the embodiment of everything that they had discussed. 

“What do you think?” she asked. 

Tito swallowed hard, suddenly aware of the tears filling his eyes. “I think,” he started before pausing to steady his voice, “I think it’s perfect.”

“Really?” she smiled tentatively, “You really like it?”

He looked up at her and stared for a moment. Underneath the heavy make-up and tough exterior, he saw her sweet spirit. She was more complex and multi-dimensioned than anyone he had ever met despite practically being a stranger. She had put her heart and soul into this drawing and the magnitude of that action was not lost on him. 

“Yes,” he smiled, “I wouldn’t change a thing about it.”

MIDNIGHT RAIN

The next few weeks were a blur to Rocky. Her days were filled with appointments and consultations. Word of mouth began to spread as client after client posted their ink on social media. Glowing reviews accompanied each post, and Rocky’s reputation began to grow in the tattoo community. Pretty soon, some pretty big name artists began following her, including Catarina Vandewahl, who was a pioneer female tattoo artist. 

 With her growing popularity came sacrifices and hardships. Rocky worked hard to capitalize on the buzz around her work and kept herself booked solid. It meant less and less time at home with Kelly.  They became like ships passing in the night. He was going to bed as she got home from a long day at the shop and left before she woke up for the day. On the rare occasion they were together, they both struggled to find the connection that had bonded them in their youth. Kelly worked feverishly on his work project while Rocky sat on the couch and watched hockey. 

The texts between Tito and Rocky began as strictly business. Short and brief texts to schedule time to work on his tattoo. It was a task that was becoming more and more difficult to complete due to their hectic schedules. However, somewhere along the line, the tone changed from professional to borderline flirtation. 

They scheduled his six hour session two days after Taylor Swift’s Midnights album release. It was a rare day off for Tito and Mondays were usually light for Rocky so she was able to make adjustments to her calendar. The plan was for the duo to experience the album together so they swore to each other to remain as “spoiler free” as possible. 

In the meantime, Rocky began to follow the Islanders closely. Growing up in Dallas, she was a casual fan of the Stars. She knew the basics of hockey, but not the finer details. She grew frustrated trying to watch Tito play. Eventually, they developed a routine of Tito picking a game on his “off” nights, and they would text back and forth throughout the game. Of course, it was all in the name of teaching Rocky about hockey. However, the subject quickly opened up to broader discussions that almost touched on the philosophical. 

Tito kept her updated about life on the road and humorous stories of adventures with teammates. Rocky threw in stories from the tattoo shop. From there, the subject of relationships bubbled up. Tito was shocked to find himself revealing his frustrations in finding a woman that was willing to put up with his unusual schedule while maintaining her own identity. Most women seemed more than ready to give up their own “careers” to make themselves available to NHL players. Tito found it tedious and boring. 

Eventually Rocky found herself venting to Tito about how Kelly and her were on almost completely opposite schedules and how isolated she felt from him. Almost immediately, she regretted it and walked back her statements. Internally she scolded herself for crossing some imaginary line. For his part, Tito avoided the subject and redirected back to the game they were supposed to be watching. He couldn’t even think of a reason why he felt the need to change the subject. They were both venting about essentially the same subject. Still he felt a sting as he listened to her vent and he pictured her domestic life with her boyfriend. The sting was especially strong as he looked around his nondescript hotel room and remembered that there would be no one waiting for him when he returned home at the end of the road trip. 

The cracks in Rocky and Kelly’s relationship began to deepen the weekend before Tito’s appointment. With his big work project complete, Kelly looked to reconnect with his long-time love. He made a reservation at a romantic restaurant and booked a suite at the Plaza. It was the sort of restaurant that demanded a level of elegance and style that was out of Rocky’s comfort zone. 

“Quit fidgeting,” Kelly smiled as they followed the hostess to their table at the back of the restaurant. His hand was on the small of her back as she smoothed her hair down. She had just dyed her hair a vibrant red that morning and spent an inordinate amount of time curling it to achieve the perfect vintage fifties vibe she was going for. 

“People are staring at me,” she said quietly. 

“Please,” he joked, “You don’t dye your hair that color while wearing that dress if you don’t want attention.” Rocky flinched internally at his words. After they sat down, she quickly picked up the menu to study it. The fact it also shielded the tears that welled up in her eyes was an added bonus. 

“Hey,” Kelly said softly, “Let me see your face.”

“I’m deciding what to eat,” she said as she willed her voice to remain steady. 

“Rox,” he whispered, “Let me see your face.” She bit her lip. He only called her Rox when he was being sweet and kind to her. While she couldn’t say that he had been unkind recently, there had been a dearth of sweetness over the past couple of months. Slowly, she lowered the menu to let him see her face. “Rox,” he sighed.

“Do you think I dress the way I do for attention?” she murmured, “Do you think I am that kind of person?”

Kelly reached for her hand and grabbed it before she withdrew it. “I think that you can’t dye your hair fire engine red and cover yourself in tattoos and then be shocked when you get attention from normal people.”

“Normal people?” she questioned as she raised her menu again, “I am not a normal person? Since when?” 

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” he said flatly, “I don’t want to argue. I like the hair and the dress. You look beautiful and unique. You should rock the hell out of it while you can.” 

“While I can?” she asked after the server took their order, “What is that supposed to mean?” 

“Rox,” he said, “Don’t overthink it. I just want to have a romantic night with my girl.” 

Something inside of her bristled at the comment “his girl”. She tried to focus on his intent or at least what she believed to be his intent. Kelly wasn’t a malicious person. He was actually quite thoughtful and caring. In fact, it was one of her favorite qualities about him. She looked at him and smiled. "So do you want to hear about my week?" He nodded in affirmation and she began telling a funny story about a misspelled tattoo. 

Back in their hotel suite later, they had exhausted all subjects of conversation. Rocky pulled out her phone as a distraction and saw the notification from Tito.

Rocky quickly typed out a reply.

Rocky- Hey…. Quit cheating

Tito- Who? Me?

Rocky- Yes, you - Beauregard

Tito- #sorrynotsorry. I am bored in the hotel room. Staying spoiler free is hard.

Rocky- Quit being a spoiler whore and go to sleep. You will need your energy for Monday.

Tito- That's right- you're going to pop my cherry. Be gentle with me.

Rocky stared at the screen. She knew full well that he was referring to his first tattoo experience. However, suddenly, a very graphic image of her sliding down onto him filled her mind. She could almost hear him whisper in his light accent, "Be gentle with me." Rocky dropped her phone which drew Kelly's attention. He gave a funny face and she scrambled to grab the phone to prevent Kelly from seeing the content. Then she remembered that it had only been a figment of her imagination and not anything that could be read

Tito- Rocky?

Rocky- Sorry, dropped phone. Yes, I will be gentle with you. I gotta go. We’re headed to bed. TTYL.

Tito stared at the screen. "Headed to bed?" he thought. A vision of Rocky riding him while throwing her head back filled his mind. He tried to imagine just how much of her upper body was decorated with ink. He stared at the screen, then put the phone down. He turned on the TV and willed himself to not look at the phone. “Fuck it,” he groaned as he picked up his phone again. Without thinking, he found himself on her Instagram page scrolling through pictures. “Don’t hit like, don’t fucking hit the like button,” he reminded himself as he stalked. It was mainly tattoo photos with an occasional selfie. He scrolled back up and stopped. “Damn,” he whispered to himself, “Damn.” 

Before he could stop himself, he responded with a flirty reply. He saw Kelly’s response and exhaled in disgust before clicking on his profile. His posts consisted of mainly “bro” activities - hanging out with friends, tailgating at Jets games, trips to the shore, etc. Tito noticed that they were only rare pictures of Rocky, at least recently.

Pretty soon, he had spent an hour down the rabbit hole of Kelly’s profile. He had pieced together a rough timeline of Rocky’s relationship with Kelly. It started off strong in high school with nearly constant photos. Things definitely cooled in college as Kelly morphed from slightly emo/goth boy to total finance bro . There was a direct correlation between their individual transformations and their relationship-at least based on what you could see on social media. Tito would bet that Rocky's tattoos and fashion style were an issue. The more she got, the less he posted her picture. A couple of years after graduation, other than holiday and anniversary posts, she was non-existent on his timeline. It wasn't as if Kelly was necessarily hiding his relationship with Rocky on social media, but he wasn't exactly shouting it from the rooftops either. He did a similar deep dive onto Rocky’s page and reached the same conclusion. 

He scrolled back to her post from that night. How could the things that he found so fascinating about Rocky be an issue for this Kelly dude? He didn’t understand it. He didn’t understand it all. Tito gently touched the screen with his thumb. Her smile made him feel things. Her eyes, he thought to himself, her eyes were bright on the surface, but underneath there was a world that he wanted to know. He wanted to know what made her happy and what made her sad. He wanted to know what she thought about the new Taylor Swift album. He wanted to know her thoughts about everything. 

Back at the Plaza, Rocky sighed heavily as she tried to get comfortable in the oversized hotel bed.  As much as she appreciated the thought and effort that Kelly had put into making the night special, something had fallen flat. Even their lovemaking had been lackluster with them both going through the motions without any true passion between them. Muscle memory elicited perfunctory orgasms for each of them before both they rolled in opposite directions to sleep. Rocky tried "fluffing" her pillow before grabbing her phone. 

She glanced at Instagram and smiled at Tito's comment. "Can't sleep?" Kelly said sleepily.

"No, maybe it was the espresso martini at dinner?" She replied.

"Rox, you mainline coffee all day long. How can an espresso martini affect you like this?" he challenged. She shrugged her shoulders. "Come here," he held out his arm to her, "I'll try the head thing." Rocky rolled over and snuggled into his chest. They laid in silence for a minute. Kelly's fingertips ran up and down arm gently in slow, methodical fashion. He could feel the tension oozing out of her pores. "Rox, talk to me," he finally asked, "I know that something set you off tonight."

"Well, first you said I wasn't normal," she started meekly.

"Normal wasn't the right word," he interjected, "Average is more accurate. It wasn't meant as an insult, Rox. You should know that you stand out in a crowd. You are special and unique….."

"Why do I sense that there is a but hanging in the air?" She questioned.

"There is no but hanging in the air…." He snapped back.

"What did you mean when you said I should rock the hell out of my look while I can?" she lifted her head and stared into his eyes. 

"There it is. That is what you have been stewing over since dinner," he sighed, "What I meant was that eventually you will need to dress more appropriately. Wait, appropriate is not the right word. Hmmmm, maybe I should say….ummmm, subdued."

"Subdued? Why do I need to be subdued?" She shot back.

 He sighed, "because eventually I will need you to be a partner. I can't become a CEO without a good partner."

"CEO?" she balked, "Since when do you want to become a CEO? What happened to the 'work as hard as we can fo the next ten years so we can retire and travel the world" plan? When did that change?"

Kelly blinked, "When I started and discovered that I actually liked it. I am good at my job and I can go further than I thought I could. I know it doesn't mean shit to you but I love it. If you gave it a chance, you might like it too."

Rocky searched into his eyes to gauge his seriousness. Her gaze was met with an expression of such earnestness that she felt actual pain in her heart. "Tell me more about this plan," she said softly before she laid her head on his chest and he wrapped his arm around her to pull her close. She listened as he explained his fifteen year long route to CEO. It included getting married within two years and having their first child two years after that. Everything was mapped out in such detail that Rocky was beginning to wonder when exactly the original plan changed and when he was planning on telling her.

"You're being awfully quiet, Rox," he said at the end as he wrapped up.

"It's a lot to take in," she whispered, "It's a lot to take in."

"You'll at least consider it? Will you at least consider it for me?" He asked hopefully.

"Yes, I will think about it," she sighed. 

Kelly kissed the top of her head, "You're the best. I love you."

"Love you too," she yawned, "let's get some sleep."

TWO DAYS LATER- INKED ON ICE Tattoo Shop

Tito winced and gritted his teeth as Rocky worked on the outline of the complex tattoo design they had settled on. “How are you doing there, Beauregard?” Rocky asked cheerfully. Tito had been sitting stoically for almost three hours. The session started out strong. They started with listening to Taylor Swift’s Midnights, but after two times they grew restless. When Rocky suggested switching to Speak Now, he readily agreed. 

He groaned, “Why on earth would you willingly do this multiple times?”

Rocky smiled, “I don’t know. The art is worth the pain, I suppose. Of course, it could also be that I am tougher than you and can take the pain. I would have thought a hockey player would be tougher but then again Barzal cried like a little bitch too.”

“Hey,” he whined, “Would you like me to tell you all of the injuries that I have played with?”

“Will it make you quit whining?” she countered, “If so, then by all means, tell me how tough you are.” Rocky knew that it would draw his focus away from the tattoo and therefore the pain. Sure enough, the conversation bought Rocky about forty five minutes of productive work time. When he began to lose focus again, Rocky tapped his leg. “Hey, we are at a good stopping point for a break. You rest and I will go grab us some lunch from next door. The lasagna is top notch.” Tito breathed a sigh of relief. Within minutes, Rocky had prepared his arm enough to move freely. “Stretch, move around and relax,” she instructed, “We have about another four hours to finish it. Think you can handle it?” She looked at him with concern. It was his first tattoo and she wanted to be sure that he didn’t tap out before she finished. Also, she wouldn’t admit to anyone, but part of her wondered if she could take another four hours on trying to focus on tattooing while she ignored the intrusive thoughts in her head. 

When she returned with the food, he was casually scrolling through his phone. He graciously accepted the lasagna and bottle water. “What do I owe you?” he asked. 

“You don’t need to pay me back,” she insisted. 

“I am not used to women buying me food,” he blushed.��

Rocky blinked, “Beauregard….. What kind of women are you dating? They don’t even do the courtesy to reach for their wallet? Where are you finding them? Puckbunnies.com?”

“Hey,” Tito cautioned, “Tap the brakes there.”

Rocky immediately hung her head, “I am sorry, Beau. Truly, I am. I am just dealing with a personal thing and it’s got me extra “fight the patriarchy” right now. 

Tito’s face immediately softened, “Something personal? With your boyfriend? What’s his name again- Kelly?”

Rocky sighed, “Yeah, something with him. Hey, how did you know his name?”

Tito blinked. He didn’t want to admit to the stalking of Instagram. “Ummm, didn’t he comment on the picture the other day?” he answered casually. 

“Oh yeah,” Rocky smiled, “I forgot about that.” 

They sat in silence for a moment. The unanswered question hung in the air. Finally Tito asked, “Do you want to talk about it?” 

Rocky fought the impulse to open to him. “He’s a client,” she told herself before she took another bit of lasagna. She looked out of the corner of her eye to find Tito staring, waiting on an answer. “Beauregard, I appreciate the offer. It’s nothing earth shattering or dramatic," she offered as an answer. When his eyes didn't move from her face, "Stop staring at me. You're being weird," 

Tito looked down and thought, "Was he being weird?" Then he shook his head and looked at her. Her eyes held a silent plea to drop the subject. He waffled between pushing for an answer, absolutely hoping for any news that the relationship had cracks that could be exploited and letting her tell him without pressure. He grimaced at his mind that jumped at the opportunity to "exploit" any weaknesses in her relationship. No, if they had a future together in their destinies, it would happen without manipulation or pressure. He smiled and deflected, "So, ummmm, where did Rocky come from? Did your dad just really want a boy?"

She was thankful for the deflection. She wasn't ready to put her emotions into words yet. Rocky grinned widely, "It's short for Raquelle. My younger brother, Gabriel, could only say Raq and not Raquelle. Alexander turned it into Rocky after I beat him up." Tito's eyes widened. "Well, he deserved it. He stole my Nintendo DS," she explained. 

"Remind me never to get on your bad side, Raquelle," Tito smiled.

There was something about the way that he said her name made her heart leap with joy. She felt blush overcome her cheeks and she looked away. Tito thought she never looked more beautiful. "Yep, I am going to call you Raquelle from now on," he teased casually.

"Whatever you say, Anthony " she countered. Both of them scrunched their noses immediately. "Nope, Beauregard is better," she declared. She glanced at the clock. "Now eat up, Beauregard," she ordered, "We are going to start in ten minutes and keep going until we are done."

"Yes, Raqueĺle," he cooed, exaggerating each syllable in his slight French accent. Rocky bit her lip and took a bite of lasagna. "I will let you torture me again in ten minutes." he laughed.

Rocky's plan to carb load Tito worked. When they began again, he got into the zone. He sat back in the chair and closed his eyes. His body entered into a trance like state and they powered through together. They were reaching the finish line when "Midnight Rain" started. https://youtu.be/Odh9ddPUkEY?si=IRMd5VC86a0xnQ77. Taylor's voice filled the room

Rain, he wanted it comfortable

I wanted that pain

He wanted a bride

I was making my own name

Chasing that fame

He stayed the same

All of me changed like midnight

Rocky's head popped and listened to the song that seemed to encapsulate the current state of her relationship. When the words "Cause he was sunshine, I was midnight rain,.He wanted it comfortable,I wanted that pain" floated across the room, her eyes filled with tears. Unable to see, she lifted the needle from Tito's skin.  The lack of sensation reached into his brain but did not penetrate. It was the tear that splashed down on his forearm that got his attention. He looked at the wet mark and then lifted his eyes to look at her face

 Tears streamed down as she stared into space. "Rocky? Are you okay?" He sat straight up in the chair. She glanced at him and cried harder. "Rocky, what happened?" He questioned. "Mon ami, what happened? Did you make a mistake?" She shook her head vigorously. 

"He is sunshine and I am midnight rain. He wants comfortable and I want pain," she said out loud to no one in particular.

"Who?" His hand went to her cheek, "Kelly?" She nodded her head. "What happened, Mon Ami? You were fine," he soothed. 

"The song," she choked out.

He listened as the song ended. "Which song?" He asked.

"Midnight Rains," she whispered.

"The breakup song?" He asked in the tenderest voice. 

Rocky wiped her tears, "He has a fifteen year plan now. He wants to be a CEO and he wants me to be the good little corporate wife." Tito's mind raced. "Can you imagine?" She whined, "Can you imagine me at the country club."

"No, no I can't." He answered honestly. "How do you feel about that?"

"Terrified," she blurted out, "What if I can't do it? What if I lose myself in the process?

"Do you even want to do it? He asked sincerely, "Is that the life you want?"

She stared at him like he had three heads. Of course, it was Kelly. He was her future. He had been her future since she can remember. She hadn't considered what she wanted. 

He wiped her tears that still flowed." It is just a song," he whispered, "It doesn't have to mean a break up." Internally he screamed at himself to shut up, but he couldn't stop himself. No, if she was going to end things, she would do it without his interference. It was clear that she wasn't ready to let go. "Rocky…." He continued as she stared into space, "Raquelle…." Her head snapped in direction. "It's just a song," he explained, "You get to decide your future. You can have any future you want."

Rocky inhaled deeply, "You think?"

"I know," he smiled back.

"Thank you Beauregard," she smiled, "You're a good friend to me." Her breath hitched as the word came out of her mouth. 

"It is my pleasure," he smiled, "It's.honor and a pleasure to be your friend. However, if you don't finish this ink soon, I am going to come to my senses soon and I will never let you near me with a needle again."

Rocky glared, "No way you are tapping out now. Buckle up Beauregard.".He sat back and closed his eyes. "Alexa, play Shake It Off."

Thirty minutes later, Tito stood and admired the design. "It's perfect," he praised, "I can't wait to post it." 

Two weeks later - USB Arena

Kelly held the ticket stub in his hand as they walked around the concourse of the USB arena. “Rox,” he said suddenly, “These are lower bowl seats. I think these seats are pretty close to the glass. Where did you get them again?”

“I told you,” she said sweetly, “A client gave them to me as a thank you.” Kelly led them down the stairs to the seats which were right next to the Islanders penalty box. Rocky took the seat nearest the box. Kelly had a thing about having an easy exit out of crowded places and would have felt boxed in. The music in the arena was loud and pulsating. Rocky looked around and absorbed the vibe. She was lost in thought when a loud horn sounded. She looked up to see the Islander team taking the ice. She hadn’t even noticed that she held her breath until she saw Tito step out onto the ice following Barzal. She smiled and exhaled as her eyes stayed glued to him. 

She couldn’t help but notice the difference in him. His face was devoid of expression and his eyes focused on the ice in front of him as the group began to make laps around their end of the ice. Gone was the friendly, but somewhat introverted Beauregard that she knew. In place was a determined and focused warrior. Rocky was tempted to bang on the glass when Barzal took a position in front of her seats to begin his stretches. She decided against creating a potential awkward moment. Instead she searched for Tito, she found him on the opposite side of the ice, stretching as well.

A high pitched squeal of "Barzy" penetrated the air and he leisurely looked over his shoulder to find the source. A gaggle of college girls stood behind Rocky holding a sign that said "Barzy- You can go 5 hole on us." He smirked and shook his head before noticing Rocky, who very obviously focused on something that had her complete attention. He had a hunch on the object of her focus. It was confirmed when he followed her sight line that went straight to Tito. 

He almost shouted across the ice, but thought better of it. Instead he waited, they stood next to each other for a drill. "Hey Tito, why didn't you say anything about Rocky being here tonight," Barzal remarked casually, "Those are better seats than we normally get to give away. Did you ask for extra nice ones for her?"

Tito's head spun around in surprise, "What? Where?"

Barzal pointed to Rocky's location. Tito looked and saw her staring in his direction. He felt his stomach flip while a smile spread across his face. He waved shyly and Rocky felt her face flush.

"Did that player just wave at you?" Kelly asked. He turned to Rocky who waved back to Tito before she turned to face him. 

“Yeah, I know him from the shop,” she answered evasively. Immediately she felt a pang of guilt hit. Between her earlier fascination and not completely honest answer, she walked the boundary of both her relationship with Kelly AND Tito. She added, “I actually did a tattoo for him a couple of weeks ago.” 

“Oh,” Kelly turned to assess the hockey player, “So that’s why your schedule has blown up recently. You are tattooing ‘celebrities’ these days. Good for you.”

Rocky turned to Kelly with her arms folded. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“Did I say that it was a bad thing?” Kelly questioned incredulously. 

The couple stood and stared at each other.. The stare down lasted long enough to attract Tito’s attention. His eyes widened slightly when Rocky’s angry expression registered. He started skating before his brain engaged. A guttural instinct took over. Someone had upset his Raquelle and that- it was just unacceptable. He hit the boards immediately in front of Kelly with enough force to knock Kelly’s beer off the ledge he had left it sitting on. The beer splashed Kelly’s jeans while the sound of the hit reverberated through the area. Kelly looked down at his pants, then to Tito who stared him down on the other side of the glass. “Hey!” Kelly yelled as Tito looked at Rocky who stood with her jaw dropped. 

Her mind raced to imagine a justification for Tito’s actions and she could find none. Her look of confusion felt like a stab in the heart to Tito. Rocky turned to Kelly who burst out laughing. The reaction of the crowd in the section was the rousing cheer of approval and amusement. Tito winked at Rocky before he skated off to the bench. “Hey Jake,” Tito called the equipment manager, “You have any money?”

“Why?” the assistant equipment yelled back.

“I knocked that guy’s beer over. I need to buy him another one,” Tito explained.. “Come on, you know I am good for it,” Tito cajoled. Jack turned to delegate the task to one of the team interns when Tito yelled again. 

As he made his request, Jake looked on incredulously. “You owe me, Beau- you owe me,” he laughed as he walked away. 

In the brief time between end of warm-up and puck drop, a hapless team intern came bounding down the steps toward Kelly and Rocky. He stood at the end of the row and yelled down to them. “Hey, Tito bought you a beer to replace the one he knocked over,” the intern said cheerfully as he passed the cup of beer down the row. Then he passed down the large coffee cup and added, “This is for Rocky?” Kelly eyed her suspiciously as Rocky waited for the cup. When she received it, she glanced to get confirmation. It was her ridiculously complicated drink. Tito made someone go to Starbucks and return with a coffee specifically made for her. 

“Can you tell him thank you?” she smiled at the intern. 

“You can tell him yourself,” the intern responded, “He wants me to bring you down to the locker room after the game. Wait here and I will come get you after the third period.” 

“Wow,” Kelly quipped, “That must have been one hell of a tattoo you did for him. You’re getting VIP treatment.”

Later, toward the end of the second period, Rocky leaned forward and intently watched the faceoff taking place in front of her. Kelly had made an early exit to beat the line at the concession stand. The Islanders were in a tight, chippy game against the Dallas Stars- the score tied up at one. Tito lined up against Jamie Benn who acknowledged him with a head nod. Tito looked back over his shoulder and glanced at Rocky but then returned his focus to the task at hand. Benn laughed, “Is that your girl? She looks like fun.” 

Tito responded with a shove to Benn’s chest, “Shut up.” Benn retaliated with a stick poke and a smile- content with the knowledge that he had found a way to get under Tito’s skin. Both resumed position again but began jostling sticks back and forth. When the puck dropped, he used his stick to upend Tito. 

 The move drew the ire of the Islander crowd and Rocky stood up and yelled, “Hey, you can’t do that.” Benn smiled even bigger as Tito got up and launched a shove into his opponent’s chest. The captain grabbed a hold of the stick and they jostled for a few moments before Tito dropped his gloves and reached to pull Benn down into a headlock before he started swinging. He landed several punches before the bigger man was able to pull him down to the ground. Refs separated them. Tito ripped off his helmet as he got back to his feet and shook his head. . 

Benn smiled, sure that he had instigated Tito into a penalty. During a tie game, drawing a penalty was crucial. His smile soon disappeared when he realized that it was he that was getting the extra penalty for his trip. Tito gave him a smile, “Thanks for the power play. It will come in handy.” 

He entered the penalty box casually, sitting down on the bench and placing his helmet beside him. He wiped his face with the towel as Benn yelled from his box. Tito looked over lazily as he caught his breath. “Lucky you,” the captain yelled and pointed. Tito turned around to see Rocky staring intently at him, her brow furrowed slightly. She quickly smiled as he turned around. 

Tito scooted on the bench so that he was closer to her. Suddenly, he forgot where he was and focused on her smile. “Fancy meeting you here, Mon Ami,” he greeted  her. 

“Beauregard…..” she spoke in an exaggerated drawl, “I’m not a hockey expert, but I do believe that you are supposed to stay OUT of the penalty box.”

“Raquelle…..” he began with a little more accent than necessary. Rocky felt her cheeks begin to flush. Tito stared at her face, “If I stayed OUT of the box, then we wouldn’t have this chance to chat. You know that chatting with you is my favorite thing in the world.” Rocky leaned forward and grinned. 

Somewhere in the TV control room, a producer proclaimed, “Are you guys seeing this?” The director looked up as the producer shared the camera view into the Islander penalty box onto the large screen. There, in the picture, were Tito and Rocky shamelessly flirting. Within seconds, the shot was on live TV with the Islanders TV announcers commenting on it. 

“Butch,” Brendan Burke chuckled, “It seems like we have a bit of an off-ice situation happening here.” 

Back in their bubble, Rocky joked, “I knew you were trouble when you walked in…”

Tito retorted, “It’s me. Hi, I’m the problem it’s me.”

“At tea time, everybody agrees,” she finished. 

Back in the control room, one of the female interns shouted out, “Holy shit, they are quoting Taylor Swift to each other.” 

The director yelled, “No fucking way!” He suddenly had visions of a viral moment. The information was relayed to the announcers. 

Tito moved on to another song, “Best believe I’m still bejeweled, When I walk in the room I can still make the whole place shimmer.” 

Rocky picked up, “And when I meet the band, They ask “Do you have a man?” I can still say, ‘I don’t remember’” 

Inside the control room, the announcer's booth and the entire Islanders liveblog tag on Tumblr, people watching were losing their collective minds. Comments flew back and forth- “Do you think he even knows that there is a game still going on? The moment was interrupted by the penalty box attendant who tapped Tito on the shoulder, “Fifteen seconds, dude.” 

Tito’s head spun around and he remembered where he was. He quickly gathered his equipment and stood by the door. He turned to Rocky and smiled. She started “I’ll spend forever wondering if you knew I was enchanted to meet you.” 

The door opened and Tito skated onto the ice. He glanced back and saw Kelly returning to his seat. He handed Rocky a bottle of water and she looked like she wanted to melt into the floor. The voice inside Tito's  head finished the lyric, “Please don’t be in love with someone else. Please don’t have somebody waiting on you.” He felt the sharp pain in his abdomen like a punch to a gut. It pulled him out of dream-like state and back into the reality of the game. “Use this,” he said to himself, “Use the pain as motivation.” 

His eyes returned to the play and he saw his opening as he gained speed. He knocked Miro Heiskanen off the puck and took it onto his stick. He weaved his way through the two defensemen and circled the net. He passed the puck to Barzal who shot it at the net. Jake Oettinger coughed up a juicy rebound that landed on Tito’s stick. He lifted the puck up and over Oettinger’s shoulder into the net. It took a second for Tito to realize what had just happened. He was swarmed by his teammates as the arena erupted in cheers. 

He looked over to see Kelly pick Rocky into his arms and swing her around. He quickly turned to accept congratulatory pats on the head from his teammates. Rocky’s head spun while in Kelly’s arm to find Tito. When she found him on the bench, she swallowed hard. The focused expression on his face had returned and he stared directly in front of him. It was Rocky’s turn to feel the gnawing ache in her stomach. The period ended and she watched him walk to the tunnel without looking back. 

The Islander locker room buzzed with excitement of the new lead. Round of "Thatta boy, Beau, spread around the room. Tito didn't respond. Instead he replayed his time in the penalty box -the ease of talking to Rocky, the way she pulled him out of the game, the butterflies he felt when he looked into her eyes. He could have stayed lost in that moment for the rest of his life.

His thoughts were interrupted by Anders Lee's voice. "Sooooo who is the girl and can we buy her a beer?" he joked.

"Please don’t be in love with someone else. Please don’t have somebody waiting on you," ran through his head. The memory of her hug with Kelly flashed in his brain. Tito gritted his teeth and shook his head. "She's nobody- just the woman who did my tat," he spit out, 'She's nobody." With that, he got up to find the intern from earlier. Barzal watched in silence before getting up and following him. The rest of the team looked at each other in confusion. 

Barzal caught up as Tito finished his conversation. "Are you sure" the intern asked. Tito nodded his head.

"Sure about what?" Barzal questioned.

"Sure that I don't want her to come down after the game," Tito answered emphatically.

"Why?" Barzal questioned as they walked back to the room.

"Because I said so dumbass," Tito muttered as he put on his gear.

Upstairs,the intern made his way to Rocky's seats. Kelly looked confused when the intern gently explained, "Tito is not going to be able to see you after the game after all. There is a mandatory team meeting that he can't miss." 

Rocky blinked. She knew it was a lie but didn't want to argue or appear too eager to see Tito.. "Oh okay- well, tell him that I will see him around I guess.” She tried to hide the disappointment on her face, but Kelly knew her well enough to spot the fake smile. They rode in uncomfortable silence back to their apartment. 

Later in bed, they faced opposite walls with their backs to each other. “So that’s who you've been texting recently?” Kelly asked quietly. 

“Yeah,” she said softly, “He has been teaching me about hockey.”

"Clearly it worked. You were really focused on the game. I am glad you had a good time. You deserved it." Kelly yawned "Good night Rox. Love you."

"Ditto, Kels," she replied softly. Rocky's phone began to buzz. She picked it up.

Daisy: Girl…

Rocky: What?

Daisy: You're viral.

Rocky: What? How?

Daisy sent her the link to SportCenter and the segment about Tito's time in the penalty box. Rocky watched in a combination of sweet memory and horror. She thought back to what she felt in the moment. The feeling had been so pure and she struggled to name it. It finally dawned on her- joy. 

"What's the problem with joy?" She asked herself as the dread and horror spread around her body. It had been so long since she had experienced true joy. She couldn't remember when the last time was. One thing she knew that it wasn't with Kelly- the person who she should share joy with.

She looked back at Kelly with a wistful look. "I have to be better," she said to herself, "He deserves better." She rolled over and watched the clip again. The feeling of joy returned as she watched Tito's face and a thought popped into her head, "Don't you deserve better?" She pursed her lips and turned off her phone.

Barzal/Beauvillier condo- Long Island

"Fuck you, I would have made that shot,," Tito yelled out to no one in particular as the NHL22 game played. Barzal gave him a side eye and continued playing the video game.

After Tito added "motherfucker,"  Barzal paused the game. Tito protested meekly before Barzal cut him off, “What in the hell is your problem dude?”

“I don’t have a problem,” Tito countered. 

“Don’t lie to me Beau. It insults my intelligence,” Barzal challenged. Tito began a pithy response, but stopped when he saw his roommate’s expression. The concern was apparent and completely out of character for Barzal. “Does it have something to do with Rocky?” Barzal asked quietly. Tito leaned back and let out an exaggerated sigh. “I am going to take that as a yes,” Barzal continued, “Want to talk about it?”

“There is nothing to talk about. I misread her signals,” Tito spit out, “I thought there might be something there, but clearly I am wrong.” 

“I am not so sure about that dude,” Barzal sighed. The brunette turned and studied his roommate's face. He pondered his next words carefully.   "Look, I was going to wait and let you find out tomorrow, but there is something that you need to see." He pulled out his phone and started the video of Tito and Rocky from the penalty box.

Tito smiled involuntarily at Rocky as his finger went caress her face on the phone screen. He wanted to push the feeling down but it swept over him like a tidal wave. Barzal chuckled, "Dude, you have it bad. You are so into her."

"Too bad she isn't into me," Tito whined.

"Look, she may have a boyfriend, but she is into you," Barzal countered. Tito began to shake his head but Barzal interjected, "Look at her face when she looks at you. She desn't look at her boyfriend that way. I watched her during the game. Trust me there is something there, Beau. It wasn’t just during your penalty. Her eyes were on you the entire game.."

"So what should I do? She has a boyfriend," Tito asked.

"Be patient until she figures it out," Barzal suggested, “I don’t know much but I know that she doesn’t look at him the way she looks at you.”

"So business as usual?" Tito asked. Barzal nodded his head. "One Sec," Tito held up his hand. He reached for his phone and typed a quick text to Rocky,

Tito: Hey sorry we couldn't connect after the game, but it was great to see you. 

Rocky: I thought you were mad at me.

Tito: Never mon ami

Rocky: You sure?

Tito: 100% sure 

Rocky: You wouldn't lie to me, would you Beaugard?

Tito: Raquelle, you wound me 

Rocky: Sweet dreams. Great game by the way

Tito: Thanks- good night

Three days later-INKED ON ICE Tattoo Shop

Rocky tidied her work station and eyed the door.  She had received a terse text from Kelly during her last appointment that simply said "We need to talk. I am working at Starbucks. Let me know when you can chat.” She responded with an equally terse "It will be fifteen minutes as I finish up. It can't wait until tonight?"

"No- I don't want to have this conversation after midnight," was the response.

Precisely fifteen minutes later, Rocky looked up when she sensed his presence and their eyes locked. Her soft smile was met with pursed lips. "Hey," she said as she kissed his cheek before he settled into his seat. His hands held a to-go coffee cup that she was certain contained her order to perfection. "What's up?" she asked casually.

Kelly studied her next design before he sat down. His eyes looked at her askance. His mouth opened and shut several times. With each time, Rocky felt a knot in her stomach develop. "Rocky….." he began, "...... you know I love you. I have loved you since kindergarten when you walked up to me, the new kid, and announced that we were going to be best friends." Rocky smiled at the memory. He continued, "You were the girl, Rocky. You were the girl I was going to love forever. You were my past, you were my present, and you were going to be my future."

Rocky gulped, "Were?"

Kelly swallowed hard, "Yes, were. You have to know that we haven't been working for a while. We lead completely different lives with completely different goals. I don't think it's fixable, Rox. I don't think we can make it work now.

"Kelly, I love you. You know that. There is no one I love more than you," Rocky gasped. 

"I know, Rox. I love you too. You are my favorite person but somewhere along the way, we fell out of love with each other. It doesn't make you the bad guy and it doesn't make me the bad guy. We are just two best friends whose lives are on separate tracks," he spoke in a hushed tone. "I tried to ignore it but I can't anymore. I deserve to be in love and you deserve to be in love.” Rocky stared at the ground as his words sunk into her soul. Her head popped up when he said, “Honestly, I think you are in love."

Rocky stood up, "What are you talking about? There isn't anyone but you. You think I am cheating on you?"

"Tito," he stared into her eyes, "I saw it when I saw the video."

"We were just goofing off and being silly," she exclaimed.

“During a game? A game that he is passionate about?” Kelly countered, "And when was the last time we goofed off like that?" Kelly sighed, “I can’t ignore the evidence. I mean it went viral.” 

"I didn’t mean for it to go viral," she countered weakly, “We’re friends I swear. Nothing else. He just gets me. Kelly- he and I are just friends.”

"I believe that you think that," he stood up to walk to her, "I believe that you are doing everything in your power to honor your commitment to me. You are denying what your heart is telling you."

"And what do you think it's telling me?” she whispered.

"That you are not in love with me anymore and if I were out of the picture, you would fall in love with him," he reached for her hand. "Look, I could tell at the game. It's there and I would be a fool to try to deny it."

"I don't want to hurt you," she cried, "I don't want to break your heart."

Kelly intertwined his fingers into hers. "It would break my heart to settle for less than we deserve. You deserve to be in love. You deserve someone who wants the crazy lives you two lead." He stopped and inhaled, "And I deserve someone who wants the white picket fence, the PTA and the ordinary life I crave. I deserve someone in love with me." 

Tears streamed down Rocky's face, "I'm sorry."

Kelly wiped her tears with his thumbs, "Don't be. Don't be sorry for being you. I love you. I love you enough to set us free."

"I love you, Kelly," she leaned her forehead into his chest, "I'll always love you."

"I know, but now it's time to love each other from a distance," he kissed the top of her head, "One day we can be best friends again."

"I would like that," she looked up at him, "So we're over? We're really over?"

"Yeah," he smiled, "at least as lovers."

Out in the lobby, Tito held his finger up to his lips as he entered the shop to keep Daisy from announcing his arrival. In his hand, he held a large coffee and protein box. He turned the corner and stopped in his tracks. Kelly stood with his arms wrapped around Rocky’s back. Her face was nuzzled into his neck. Tito’s body lurched like he had been punched in the stomach. “I love you Rox,” Kelly smiled as he set her down and kissed the top of her head. He then turned around to walk past Tito. He glanced at Tito, who stood frozen, and smiled. Rocky watched the exchange in numb silence. Tito watched Kelly leave the shop and then turned his head to look at Rocky. She gave him a soft smile. Internally, Tito’s mind raced. He didn’t have an agenda when he decided to drop by and see Rocky, but he certainly didn’t expect to witness such a tender moment. “Snap out of it, Beauvillier,” he told himself, “You got the wrong idea. She has a boyfriend- one that she loves even if you can't make it make sense to your brain.” 

“Hey Beauregard,” she stepped toward, “To what do I owe this surprise?” She fought to keep the tears out of her eyes and her voice smooth and steady. They exchanged a look and Rocky watched as Tito’s expression hardened before her. 

“I, uhhhhh, was in the neighborhood, “ he began. He couldn’t think of a singular good reason why he would be here that didn’t involve a fervent desire to kiss her. So like all good men when forced to face an uncomfortable emotion, he lied. “I wanted to be sure that you were still eating,” he stammered, “You need to eat so you can keep doing good tattoos. I vouched for you and uhhhhhh, I don’t want anyone who listened to me to be disappointed by a sucky tattoo because your blood sugar level dropped.” 

He thrust the coffee and food into her hands. Before she could protest, he was half-way to an escape. “Thanks for the coffee, Beauregard,” she called out to him. She could see his body flinch but he kept moving. Rocky watched in despair as he made his retreat. 

What had happened? After their post-game chat, Tito had been reserved but still friendly. Now he was running away because of why she did not know.  Rocky replayed Kelly’s words in her brain. “If I were out of the picture, you would fall in love with him,” he had said. She sighed bitterly and added, “Yeah, but Kels, clearly he will not fall in love with me.”

 She turned to walk back into her section and looked around. She had two consultations and three appointments scheduled. She went to her table and sat down. She started the music but quickly turned it off when the starting notes of “Lover” began. Impulsively, she picked up her sketchbook and threw it across the room. Loose papers and notes tucked into it scattered on the floor. “Whoa,” JD whistled as he entered her section, “What happened here?” 

Rocky got down on her hands and knees to gather the papers to her chest. She placed her hand on a blank piece of paper and flipped it over. It was Tito’s tattoo design. Tears filled her eyes and she sat back on her heels. JD looked at the paper and then back at Rocky. Her face dissolved into tears. “Rocky?” he questioned, “What happened?” 

"Kelly broke up with me," she cried.

"What? Why?" JD resigned himself to getting down on the floor and sat next to her.

Rocky wiped her nose with her arm. "He wants sunshine and I am midnight rain," she explained to JD as if he would understand. The words brought Tito to her mind and she started sobbing again. "Beauregard would understand," she thought to herself. 

JD sat patiently and waited for a break in the sobs. He had not been sure when Rocky had shown up at the shop, boldly asking for an apprenticeship. He found himself unable to say no despite the fact that had never mentored anyone before her, something he had taken great pride in. However in the almost year later, they had formed a unique friendship despite their age difference. 

"I am going to assume that was some sort of Taylor Swift reference," he said drolly, "Care to explain it to the non-Swiftie?"

"He was this whole corporate life with the house in the suburbs and PTA wife," she sighed. "I was going to try to make it work," she continued, "but things changed and he didn't want to try anymore." 

"You mean he didn't want to try to force a relationship with a woman clearly in love with another man?" he asked gently. Her jaw dropped and she started to protest. "I saw Beauvillier leave," he added.

"Yeah, you saw him leave. He couldn't get out of here fast enough," she cried, "Clearly he isn't interested."

"I think the evidence points to the contrary," JD countered, "but his loss if that's true." They sat in silence for a few minutes. "You know, I think you are ready to end the apprenticeship."

Her head shot up, "Getting dumped twice in one day. That has to be a record."

"I am not DUMPING you. I am telling you that you have freedom to choose your next path," he explained. "You are ready, Rocky," he nudged her shoulder.

"You think I am ready to go solo, really?" Rocky asked in earnest, "What if I fail?"

"I have a feeling that you are going to fly," he leaned over and kissed the top of her head.

"What should I do about Tito?" She asked.

"I think that you shouldn't go from one man to another. If you are going to go solo, then go solo," JD spoke, "but potentially? Yeah, I saw you on Sportscenter and ship it. That's the right word, right?"

"You're learning, old man," Rocky joked.

 Daisy poked her head in the room, "Ummmm, I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I overheard about Kelly." Rocky looked up at her. "I canceled the rest of your day and tomorrow," Daisy added, "Pack up your stuff. I am taking you home and we're having a meeting of the 'Boys are stupid and they suck' committee. No arguments, Rocky. We are going to laugh and we are going to cry until you don't need to anymore." Rocky's eyes filled with tears. "See, you've already started." 

Hours later, Rocky stood in the guest bathroom of Cameron and Daisy's large home. She looked at her face. Her eyes were puffy from tears but she felt a wave of peace wash over her body. Daisy and she had discussed her future and what she wanted. As much as she felt a pull toward Tito, she could not shake the feeling that she needed time. JD was right. She couldn't jump from one man to another man. Rocky had spent her entire adult life committed to Kelly. It was time to spread her wings and fly. She felt confident that even if she crashed and burned that she was strong enough to make it on her own. 

She took a deep breath and picked up her phone. She noticed two things- no communication from Tito and a text from Kelly. She opened the text and smiled, "Rox, I miss you already but know that our destiny lies as best friends. I will be here waiting to see where your destiny takes you. You are capable of greatness. I'll love you forever."

She typed out her response to Kelly. Then she hit the dial button.

"Hey Rocky,” the voice on the other end answered.

"Is that job offer still good?" Rocky asked. 

"Yes, are you considering it?" The voice asked.

"If you still want me," Rocky responded.

"Pack your bags. I have a guest house you can use until you get settled. Can you be here in a week?" Cat smiled.

"See you then," Rocky smiled.

STATE OF GRACE

A WEEK LATER- ISLANDERS PRACTICE FACILITY

"Hey Tito," Kelly called to him as he exited the ice after practice.

Tito stopped and stared, "What the fuck does he want?" He thought to himself. 

Kelly held out a cardboard tube and Tito, "It's from Rocky."

"A delivery? From Rocky?" He called back, "Why didn't she deliver it herself?"

"I think you know why," Kelly replied dryly. Tito thought about the multiple texts and calls from her that he had ignored. "Just read the card," Kelly added before he turned to walk away.

Tito ripped the card open and read it quickly. 

Beauregard-

I hope this note finds you well. This is not the way I wanted to tell you but I am moving.

Tito's eyes snapped up, "You two are moving?"

"No, just her," Kelly explained. Tito tilted his head in question. "We broke up last week. In fact, the day I saw you at the shop, " Kelly added.

Tito thought back to the day. He had been so quick to jump to the wrong conclusion. "You idiot," he told himself, "You fucking idiot." He continued to read.

I tried texting and calling several times, but those have not been returned. I have decided to make a fresh start in a new city. All of my adult life has been bending myself and sacrificing my dream to allow Kelly to pursue his dream. I am going to some place brand new and testing my wings to see if I can fly on my own.

Tito smiled to himself, "Oh mon ami, Raquelle, you can fly. Oh how high you will fly."

I am sad to leave you and our friendship. I didn't want to leave without saying two things. First, I am thankful that fate brought us together as friends. Your friendship reminded me who I am, the part of me that I had hidden away to fit into the mold of what Kelly wanted and needed. I am Midnight Rain and that's okay. Thank you for accepting me and all my quirks. Not only did you accept them- you embraced them which helped me embrace them too. 

Second- I am thankful for the joy that you brought back to me. It had been so long since I felt the joy that I felt with you. I love you, Beauregard. I don't believe that our journey is over. In fact I think that you are just at the beginning of a wonderful life full of adventure and more importantly, love. You will bring so much joy  to the life of the woman who you love and she will be so lucky. So long for now. In the words of our Queen Taylor- "And when you find everything you looked for, I hope your life leads you back to my door. Goodbye, Mon Ami." 

He pulled out the sketch of his tattoo out of the cardboard tube. She had written- "Never forget the joy of hockey. Keep it in your heart forever just like I will keep the joy of you in my heart forever." 

"Goodbye Mon Amour," Tito whispered as he placed the drawing back into the cardboard tube, "No, not goodbye-see ya later."

THREE MONTHS LATER- BEAN AROUND THE WORLD COFFEE SHOP-VANCOUVER

The coffee shop was crowded with the morning rush. The barista greeted Rocky with a smile. In the three months since she had moved to  Vancouver, she had become a regular so there was no need to give her order.

"So what's your day look like?" Lauren, the barista from England, asked cheerfully. 

"I have an easy day today. Only two appointments and a consultation," Rocky answered with a grin.

"Ahhhh," Lauren winked as she rolled her sleeve so her new tattoo was prominently on display, "I'll advertise for walk-ins." Since getting inked by Rocky, Lauren had fed a steady stream or referrals over to the tattoo shop. The large black and gray realistic wolf was a showstopper and customers complimented her on it daily. 

"Keep that up and I'll have to give you a discount on that sleeve we discussed," Rocky quipped.

"Don't tempt me," the Brit joked. Rocky moved down to the pick up counter to wait for her drink. She faced away from the crowd and studied her phone.

Further down the line, Elias Pettersson stood with his new linemate. They had just completed a practice and workout. "So you are set in your airBNB?" The Swedish superstar asked, “No issues?”

Tito looked up as they moved up to the counter, "Yeah, I'm all set." Tito had been traded to Vancouver earlier in the week in a trade that the hockey media dubbed "The Bo for Beau exchange".  His first game was the next night, "I really like the area. It's got a cool vibe." Canucks players segregated themselves - the married players sought the comforts of the suburbs while the single guys stayed close to the active nightlife by the arena.

"What can I get you, Petey?" Lauren asked the Swede. After he gave his simple order, she turned to Tito, "and you?"

Tito rattled off his order, "Unsweet iced coffee with an extra shot with skim milk, 2 pumps of sugar free vanilla syrup, 2 Splenda and light caramel drizzle."

Lauren looked up in disbelief. What were the odds that TWO people would have that same, very specific coffee order? "Can you repeat that?" she asked. Just then the other barista that made the coffees called, "Order for Rocky." 

Tito shook his head in disbelief. Surely he had misheard. They hadn't said Rocky and if they did, it couldn't be HIS Rocky. He turned to see the petite pixie walking toward the door. Her hair was now a pastel pink but there was no mistaking that it was indeed HIS Rocky. He immediately chastised himself, "You have no claim on her, especially with the way she had left." Undeterred, he started weaving his way through the crowded shop while his mind raced. She was here in Vancouver. He was here in Vancouver. His path was blocked at every step. He stopped and yelled "Raquelle!"

She stopped and turned. It sounded like Tito but it made no sense. Why would he be in Vancouver? "No," she told herself as searched the sea of faces unsuccessfully, "You're imagining things." She turned back around and headed down the crowded street. 

Tito felt the air leave his lungs when she turned at the sound of his voice. She was here. It felt like a dream so he gave chase. Petersson  called after him, "Beau!!" The call landed on deaf ears as Tito made it out to the street.

Fifteen minutes later, a dejected Tito entered the coffee shop. He found Petey sitting at a small table with a bemused smile on his face. "Where did you take off to?" The platinum blonde asked as he handed Tito his coffee.  

"A girl," Tito spoke breathlessly,  "A girl I knew from Long Island."

"Let me guess. Her name is Rocky?" The Swede said although he had pieced together some info.

Tito took the coffee and sat down, “Yeah. I can’t believe she is here. What are the odds that we would be here at the same time?” 

“So this girl- is she an ex or something?” Petersson.

Tito paused before answering, “It’s complicated.”

Petersson raised a single eyebrow, “Men and women are not that complicated unless you make it complicated.”

“She’s the one that got away,” Tito sighed.

“So go after her,” the Swede replied. 

“You saw me try. She vanished. I searched, but if I didn’t know better, I would think she was a figment of my imagination. 

Now that the rush had subsided, Lauren walked through the shop- straightening tables and greeting customers. “Who is a figment of your imagination?” the beautiful brunette asked with a smile. 

Petersson answered, “The elusive Rocky who apparently is the owner of Beau’s heart.”

“You know Rocky?” she replied in her delightful accent, “it makes sense now.”

“Wait, what makes sense?” Tito questioned. 

“It makes sense you know each other. You have the same coffee order,” Lauren pondered, “You are the only two people with that order.”

“You KNOW Rocky?” Tito practically jumped out of his seat, “So she is a regular here? She LIVES here in Vancouver?”

“She moved here a few months back. She’s been a regular since starting at the tattoo shop- Pink Ink,” she answered, “She did my wolf.” She held out her arm for Tito to examine. 

Tito looked down and studied the tattoo. It was Rocky’s work all right. There was no mistaking her technique. He could tell immediately it was her design and work.  He head spun with this newfound information. Electricity ran through his body. Rocky- his Raquelle- was here. She was so close he could feel her pull him to her like a magnet pulling a piece of metal.

 Lauren studied him quietly but the realization hit her. “Wait a minute! You’re the guy from that video. The hockey one with the penalty box. Bloody hell, that’s you?….. And she’s the gal, right?” she exclaimed.  Tito smiled and nodded his head yes. 

“But that doesn’t mean anything now,” Tito said, suddenly filled with apprehension. They hadn’t ended on good terms. Well, more specifically he had acted like an idiot. What if she had moved on already? What if she had sworn off men altogether? Did he still have a chance?

When Tito looked up, she saw the questions in his eyes. “She said she had unfinished business in Long Island with a guy. I didn’t recognize her with the new hair. By the looks of it, her unfinished business must be you.” Tito’s jaw dropped when she continued, “Don’t just stand there. This is True Love. You think this happens every day?”

“Princess Bride!” Petersson exclaimed- proud that he caught the pop culture reference. Tito glared at him. “What? I am a man of many layers,” the Swede continued. 

“Where is that shop?” Tito interrupted as he stood up and started walking towards the door. “What’s the name of it?” He heard her answer, Pink Ink, and Googled as he walked. He smiled when he realized how close the shop was and hit the call button on his phone. 

Rocky puttered around her station, getting ready for the day. She overheard Emily, the receptionist, answer the phone. “Pink Ink where we specialize in sarcasm, good tattoos and fighting the patriarchy. How can I help you?”

“Hi….uhhhh,” Tito stammered, “I’d like to get a tattoo. I have heard good things about a Rocky?” 

“Oh yeah, Rocky? She’s one of the best,” Emily answered, “When did you want to come in??” Rocky stopped in her tracks to listen to the conversation. 

“Now?” Tito hesitated. 

“Sure, I’ll let her know that she has someone coming in,” the receptionist responded. “Can I get a name? Okay, great- see you soon.” Emily got up and walked to Rocky’s room. “Hey you have basically a last minute tattoo.” Rocky nodded her head in understanding as she finished lighting her candles and started her playlist. “Yeah, some guy named Beauregard,” Emily called as she headed back to the front. 

Rocky spun around and walked out to the hallway, “I’m sorry. What did you say the name was….” Her head turned as the front door chimed and the door opened. “Did you say Beauregard?” Rocky questioned. Tito walked in and Rocky’s jaw dropped. 

“Raquelle!” he exclaimed as he walked in, “Fancy meeting you here.” 

Rocky stood frozen in disbelief. She willed her mouth to say something. She willed her body to move. “Do something!” her mind screamed, “Do something.” She watched him walk towards in what felt like slow motion. Suddenly the message hit the message center of the neurons that controlled her body and her body launched into motion. She sprinted to him and threw herself into his waiting arms. 

“Beauregard,” she cried out, “What are you doing here?”’ Her brain raced for answers. “Do you have a game here? How did you find me?” she quizzed, “I don’t care. I don’t care. You’re here.”

“Well, you did say you hope my life leads me back to your door. So here I am,” he laughed as he swung her around. When he stopped to keep from getting dizzy, they stared at each other. Breathless, they stayed glued to each other- their lips nearly touching. 

Rocky’s eyes scanned his face. His bright blue eyes sparkled as she searched for any clue as to his thoughts or feelings. Internally, she questioned “What if he doesn’t feel the same? What if he is just glad to see his friend?” The doubtful thought was immediately met with the equally loud thought, “Take the chance, Rocky- take the chance.” She brought lips to his lips in a tentative kiss. The electricity jolted through their bodies and together, they deepened the kiss. 

“Mon Amour,” he moaned, “Raquelle, mon amour.” They kissed in the hallway, oblivious to their surroundings. 

Finally, Rocky broke the kiss and he set her down gently. She took his hand to guide him to her room. When they stepped inside, she turned to him and asked, “Wait, did you say Mon Amour?”

“Yes, I did,” he pulled her to him, “Rocky, I love you. I have loved you from the moment you shot me down and told me that you saw a whole world hidden behind my eyes.”

“But I live here now, Beauregard,” she protested. 

“So do I,” he kissed her, “So do I.”

“Wait, what?” she questioned, “You live here? In Vancouver?”

“Oui, I was traded earlier this week. Life literally brought me to your door, or coffee shop, to be exact.” he answered. When she looked confused, he told her the story about their almost meeting at the coffee shop. 

It was Rocky’s turn to kiss him, “Remind me that I owe Lauren that sleeve.”

“I owe her everything,” he smiled.

“Did you really want a tattoo or was that a ploy?” she smiled as she studied his face. 

“I definitely want a tattoo,” he laughed. 

“Oh?” she took a step back. 

He pulled up his shirt and pointed to his chest. “I am thinking of getting Raquelle right above my heart in a fancy script. Think you can do that?”

“I mean it’s the kiss of death for relationships. How long have you been with this Raquelle?” she mocked. 

“For about sixty seconds, but I have a good feeling about her,” he teased. 

“Maybe you should at least wait until after your first date,” she poked his chest before inhaling sharply as she caught sight of his abs. 

“That’s a good idea. I have an idea for the perfect first date,” he quipped as they fell into the easy rhythm of their banter. 

“What’s that?” she quipped back. 

“Have you ever heard of Taylor Swift?” he laughed, “She has a concert this summer near here. You might like her.”

Rocky laughed, “You are going to make me wait until July for our first date? So rude.”

“Fine,” he kissed her before he continued, “How about hockey? I know a guy who can get you into the Canucks game tonight.”

“Perfect first date,” she returned his kiss. Suddenly the words of JD rang in her head- Don’t jump from one man to another. Rocky pushed off of his chest and took several steps back. 

“Raquelle?” he questioned, “Did something happen?”

Rocky studied him for a moment, trying to verbalize her thoughts. "Beauregard, I like my life. I have a good job. I have good friends. I worked hard to create a life that makes me happy, and I am absolutely not changing it to fit into yours no matter how much I adore you."

"Raquelle, I don't want you to change anything for me. You're perfect exactly the way you are. Don't change a thing."

"I mean it Beau. I am not giving up my passion for you,"  she says as he inched toward her.

"I would be disappointed if you did," he said and took another step.

"You're really here in Vancouver?" she said, “Like for real?”

"Yes, I am," he said. 

“And you want to be with me?” she asked quietly.

“Yes, I do. I want it more than anything I have ever wanted before,” he continued. He placed his hand on her cheek as she smiled, "It looks like all along there was some invisible string tying you to me."

"You think quoting her majesty Queen Taylor will help your case?" she whispered as he stood inches from her mouth.

"I would call on the hockey gods if I thought it would help me," he smiled.

"Shut up and kiss me," she started to quip back. 

"Yes, Raquelle, yes Mon Amour" he cooed before he kissed her.

[matthewkniesys]

best - mat barzal

summary: you treated him like shit but he still stuck around. you fucked it up and mat deserves so much better than you. you never were the best to him.

a/n: so this is set during mat's second year in the nhl. it's a fic based on the song best by gracie abrams and it's the first fic for my good riddance fic series. i strongly recommend listening to the song before or during reading but you don't have to. i'm very happy with how this turned out and i hope yall like it 🫶

pairing: mat barzal x gn!reader

warnings: swearing and very angsty

good riddance fic series

It was exactly like you to go and fuck it all up. To get bored and not want to try anymore. To just stop putting in the effort. You stopped caring enough to put any work into your relationship with Mat Barzal and because of that you lost the best person in my life.

You and Mat started dating in your senior year of highschool and it was fun. But that’s all it was to you. You never wanted more. You couldn’t see your relationship going past highschool, but Mat did. 

You both graduated and he was moving away from Seattle, where he had been playing for the Thunderbirds, to New York. He made the big leagues and you were really  proud of him. But then he asked you to come with him. You didn’t want to break his heart right before all his dreams were coming true and you just didn’t know how to tell someone who was fucking asking you to move into a whole other city with them no. So you said yes.

You and Mat made it 2 years in New York before everything imploded. 

And that’s not to say that during those 2 years you both were always happy. Actually it was kinda far from it. You were constantly grating on each other's nerves and you began to resent him. Afterall he was the only reason you were in this dumb city you didn’t want to be in anyways. But Mat, the amazing person he is, was always trying to fix everything. To make sure you were happy. That’s all he ever wanted for you.

You stayed because it was comfortable and that’s probably why Mat stayed too.You didn’t have to try. Mat loved you so much that he ignored the fact you were hurting him so much. And by the end you knew you were hurting him too. You just didn’t know what to do about it.

The night that everything went up in flames had been in the making for awhile. For the past 2 weeks before that you and Mat had constantly been at each other's throats. Making passive aggressive remarks, not speaking much but still just trying not to push it too far that it teeters over the edge.

That night Mat walks into the house from a late game. He’s already agitated because the game went horribly. Well at least according to twitter. You didn’t actually watch the game cause you couldn’t care less.

“Hey y/n. Did you watch the game?”

You look up and, “Nope, I don’t really care,” Is all you respond with, going back to reading the book on your lap. After a few seconds you realize Mat is still standing in the same spot just looking at you. He looks…incredulos.

“Are you kidding? You don’t care? I care and that should be enough to make you care. I’m your fucking boyfriend, y/n. All I ever try and do is make you happy but you never fucking try at all. I’m constantly there for you. I’m the best to you. You treat me like shit but the second you need me I'm there. You shut yourself off from people and the world and I still try to stay. I want to be a part of your life so bad. I want to be more to you than just some guy to you, because to me you are everything. Or you were. I don’t know anymore. ”

You sit there baffled, not knowing what to say. You sit in silence cause you aren’t ready to admit that you know he’s right. You’ve never treated Mat the way he deserves. He’s always loved you in this all consuming way and it was never more than a strong liking for you. You’ve grown to resent him for something that isn’t his fault, it’s yours. It’s not right to keep fucking with him, to keep playing with his feelings. You need to be a grown adult and leave something that isn’t right. If you stay you’ll keep hurting him, and in turn hurting yourself.

Taking a deep breath, you draw your gaze Mat. The amazing person who has never done anything but give you unconditional love, while you hurt him over and over again. 

“Mat, we both know what needs to happen now.”

That night no other words were exchanged between you two. You started packing up and Mat went to stay at a teammates house. It was always gonna end like this. You knew it but still stuck around. You knew you would never say yes and marry him but you never left. You let him hope and you fucked with his feelings. Even you can’t make sense of why you did that.

You fell into a deep sleep that night. Your body was worn through and even though there were a hundred different thoughts spinning in your head you still couldn’t stop the exhaustion from seeping in.

You woke up the next morning disoriented. Last night your whole world had shifted on its axis. You’re sad that what was between you and Mat was over but you had never truly loved him so it didn’t hurt nearly as much as you know it hurt Mat. Whoever Mat chooses in the end is going to be really lucky. It just won’t be you. It wasn’t right.

You grab your phone from your night stand and check your notifications. One makes you pause. Mat unfollowed you on instagram last night. You’re in shock for a minute. It hurt. It made everything feel final and you guessed it was. Mat was ready to be rid of you and that was fair. He needed to move on in his life. Find his forever people, but it didn’t mean him unfollowing you hurt any less.

Everything came crashing down after that. It really hit you. Mat wasn’t gonna be a part of your life anymore. For the last 2 years you had been so caught up in your resentment towards Mat, you had never once thought about his. At some point he had probably started to hate you for how you treated him and that was completely valid. He was the worst of your crimes. You had never treated anyone the way you’ve treated him the last couple of years.

You open your messages glad to see that Mat hasn’t yet blocked your number. You text him a simple I’m sorry. You aren’t trying to get back with him. You don’t love him and that’s just a fact that will never change. You just want him to know that you genuinely feel terrible about what you did. You would tell him in person but you don’t think he wants to see you. You respect that. If he had just spent 2 years leading you on, you never would want to see him again.

You shower and get ready for the day, feeling numb. It’s funny, cause even though you didn’t love him you’re hurting. You feel guilty and you just lost someone who regardless of how you feel about, you cared for. That much was true. You did care for Mat. Maybe more than he would ever know.

It’s been 20 minutes and when you check back on your phone, you see that Mat’s read your text. He didn’t respond but you never thought he would. You send him another text saying you’ll be moved out in a day. He just replies okay. 

You feel a little lonely without Mat around the next few days. You move out of his apartment without seeing him and you’re temporarily crashing at a friends. There’s a little hole in your chest that used to be filled up by Mat. You might not have loved him but his companionship was nice.

You haven’t thought about much the last few days, other than how you treated your ex-boyfriend the last few years.You mostly just feel a lot of regret. He was so good to you and you just weren’t. You hurt him beyond measure and you’ll never forgive yourself for that. It was never your intention. You’ll be okay but it might take awhile. You aren’t struggling to get over Mat. You’re struggling to get over what you did to him. You never were the best to him and that is what hurts you the most.

thanks for reading 🫶

taglist: @woodruff-edwards @nicohischierz @makarhughes @cobrakaisb @huggy-hischier94 @boldysswld@cole-mcward48@kashee-h@kjohnson-91 @jackhues

join my taglist

[ijustdontlikepeople]

top 5 noah kahan songs? top 5 hockey players? top 5 fic tropes? -hazel

@allsassnoclass asking me to pick my favorite children????? Bestie???? Tres difficile mon amie

Top 5 Hockey Players (in terms of my heart not skill bc your girl cannot)

Trevor Zegras (skilled and sunshine) (Anaheim Ducks)

Quinn Hughes (fast and aura of perpetual gloom) (Vancouver Canucks)

Connor McDavid (the awkward savior of hockey) (Edmonton Oilers)

Mat Barzal (Islander and Disney Prince) (New York Islanders)

Matt Martin (grinder and enforcer) (New York Islanders)

*i limited myself to two islanders and 1 per other teams so it wasn’t too uneven

Top 5 Noah Kahan songs for me which is like is like so fucking hard

Top 5 Fic Tropes

5. Magic / Sci-Fi AUs

4. Friends to FWBs to Lovers

3. Sports AU (especially dealing with queerness in professional sports)

2. Pining / Hurt/Comfort / Angst (all kinda the same bucket so they’re getting lumped)

1. Slow burn

Send me a top 5 and I’ll give you some answers

[luvmmarner]

hiya! i'm your summer fic exchange writer anon :)

before i get to writing, there are some questions i'd like to ask beforehand regarding your fic 😄

would you like your fic to be reader insert or OC?

what pronouns would you like for me to use while writing your fic?

as per the info i received, i saw that you'd prefer a fic with fluff, hurt/comfort, angst - both resolved with a happy ending and unresolved. is there a specific plot/trope you'd like for your fic?

I also was informed that the players you'd like to read for are Tyler Seguin, Mat Barzal, William Nylander, Anthony Cirelli, anyone on the Carolina Hurricanes, Nico Hischier, Mitch Marner, and Jack Hughes [please correct me if I missed anyone!] is there a specific player you'd like for me to focus on?

i look forward to interact with you throughout the writing process!

Hello! I’m super excited for this and sorry if this took a bit long I was on a camping trip with a few of my friends and didn’t see this notification.

• I don’t really have a preference for any. Whatever makes it easier for you to write with.

• She/Her, but really any pronouns are okay!

• Yes that’s correct. All I ask is something along the lines of (cheating and Reader/OC finds out ) and surprise me with a happy ending or unresolved one!

• Andrei Svechnikov! If you don’t know much about the Canes then Mat Barzal! I’m not picky at all. Whoever you write for I’d enjoy either way.

—

Sorry if there’s not a lot of information. I like everything to be like a surprise for me and I always want writers to let their imagination show in some cases (such as this one)! If you need a better plot concept then I’ll gladly provide it!

Thank you so much <3

[drewsbuzzcut]

Lost In The Rubble But The House Stands All The Same

Mat Barzal x model!fem!reader

A visceral in doses fic

Warnings: mentions pregnancy, mentions miscarriage, mentions sex, fears, anxiety, mentions vomiting, angst (pls let me know I missed anything)

Takes place a couple of months after this

Mat’s lips trail down your throat and you force yourself to not physically pull away from him. You fight the wince that dares to paint over your features. You’re supposed to feel pleasure and happiness and want, but you feel nothing but fear.

His lips press against the swell of your breast and his hand travels down to your thigh, about to move it over so you’re straddling him. The way your body goes rigid has your husband ripping his mouth off of you, and it kills you to see his worried expression.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, hands slowly falling away from your body.

“I can’t do this,” you blurt out, words heavy and your legs take you upstairs before he can utter a single sound.

Mat takes a long and daunting minute to take in what just happened. It’s not the first time you’ve pulled away from him amidst a make out session, but you’ve always done it in a way that wasn’t necessarily concerning. Now all he can hope is that he didn’t do anything to make you not want to be with him, or uncomfortable around him.

Upstairs, you sit on the edge of your bed. Hands clutching the comforter as tears fall down your cheeks and fear and guilt wrestle inside of you. The urge to vomit all over your stained wood floors is strong, but you try to concentrate on calming down. You want to sleep, but if you sleep you’ll probably end up having nightmares of what could’ve been. Everything with your miscarriage has been taking a bigger toll on you than expected. Whenever your mind isn’t occupied, you’re thinking about the baby that could’ve been in your arms by this time next year. Even when you are occupied with the babies you’re blessed to have, you’re thinking about how terrified you are to have sex again. You’ve never had any problems with getting pregnant, and that’s precisely the issue. You don’t want to risk getting pregnant and risk another miscarriage. Your heart wouldn’t be able to handle another one.

You finally decide to lie down and drown everything out with your earbuds. Maybe the music blaring in your ears will make you drift into a nightmare-less sleep.

You’re not sure what time it is, but your earbuds are no longer in your ears and you can feel the bed dip under Mat’s weight. You feel him turn towards you and he softly lays an arm around you, but your body freezes and he immediately pulls away. Another round of tears spring to your eyes when you feel him turn away from you.

“I’m sorry. I love you, Mat. So much. I’m so sorry,” the words bubble up your throat, no longer able to keep them hostage. You turn into his back, cuddling into him so that your body is practically under his. You press soft kisses to his bare shoulder. Your heart continues to crack when he lets out a deep, unsettled sigh.

He turns on his back, his arm opening so he can bring you into his chest. Finally, you don’t tense up when his hand touches the small of your back.

“What’s going on?” He asks, voice low and tender.

You close your eyes to keep your tears at bay and take in deep breaths. How do you even begin?

“I’m scared and I’m hurting so much,” you whisper. Part of you hopes that he doesn’t hear you, or that he fell asleep because you really don’t want to talk about what’s plaguing you.

“Scared of what? What’s hurting? Do you need to go to the doctor?” He leans up, his top half being held up by leaning on his elbow. He looks down at you, eyes full of concern.

You shake your head.

A look of distress flashes in his eyes and he looks like he’s on the verge of breaking down.

“Are you scared of me? Do you not want to be touched by me?” He asks, anxiety and hurt laced in his tone.

“No! I’m not scared of you, or being touched by you. I swear. I’m just scared of having sex again, and I’m scared that, me, not wanting to have sex with you will ruin us,” you admit, a hand going to cup his cheek, so he knows you’re genuinely not afraid of him.

Your tears finally fall, creating a chain reaction and making Mat’s tears follow the parallel path.

“Why are you scared of having sex? Why haven’t you said anything?”

“I’m so embarrassed by it. I’m your wife, I’m supposed to make sure you’re satisfied. I'm scared of getting pregnant and having another miscarriage. I know we agreed to eventually try for another baby, but I don’t know how to cope with everything right now. I’m supposed to be strong and not let this miscarriage tear me down, but I’m having a really hard time,” you cry, hands clutching onto him.

“No. That’s not right. Yes, you’re my wife, but I don’t expect you to have sex with me whenever I’m willing. This is a relationship and there are two of us. Your feelings matter, too.”

Mat stares into your eyes, pouring every once of love and care he has for you right into your heart. You sob a little harder, shoving your face in his bare chest so he can catch your tears. His arms wrap tightly around you, his heart pounding under where your ear is pressed. It soothes you, but your ache doesn’t completely disappear.

“I promise you that being sad about the miscarriage doesn’t make you weak. You’re the strongest person I know. You’re in therapy and you’re working through it. Give yourself time to heal. Don’t rush the process, baby. Let it rip into you, but also know that you’re stronger than it,” he whispers into your temple, lips pressing into the skin right after.

“I mean it when I say that we don’t have to have sex until you’re ready. You know I’ll always wait for you. I want you to want to have sex, okay? Don’t be embarrassed by not wanting to either. I love you, baby. You’re my everything,” he lifts your chin and presses his lips to yours.

For the first time you don’t feel the butterflies die inside of your stomach. Their wings continue to flutter.

“What if I’m never ready to have another baby? Will you leave me?” You ask through your muffled cries.

“No, I’d never leave you. You’re it for me. There will be other options for us. Even if you don’t want any more kids at all, you, Nols, AJ, and Sloane will always be enough for me,” he says, his honesty hard to miss.

“I’m sorry I kept it from you and was pushing you away. I just never want you to be disappointed in me,” you mutter.

“You’ll never disappoint me, pretty girl. Please just talk to me. I will literally listen to anything you say. I’m so in love with you. There is no version of you that I’m not in love with. I just need you to be open with me, baby,” he states, hands on your face so he can wipe away the residual tears.

“I promise I will. I know I always say that I’ll talk to you and then I don’t, but it’s something I’m continually working on in therapy. I need to set a time during the day so I can rant to you about everything,” your hands on his back rub his skin, and Mat swears he’s never been so happy to be touched by you.

You’re opening up to him and reciprocating his love and affection. It makes Mat proud; he knows how much you struggle with being open even when you trust him entirely.

“I can’t wait to hear all that you have to say. Your mind is so beautiful. I want you to share it with me.”

You could cry again at his words, but this time you chose to seal your lips to his.

You still have a lot of emotions to work through and a lot more to talk about, but as long as Mat is by your side you know you’ll be fine. Even if it means no more babies, you’re still content with your family. You just have to let your mind catch up with your heart.

a/n: I finished this a lot quicker than expected. Let me know if there’s anything else you guys want to see from this moment in their lives. As always, I hope y’all enjoy!

[leafsbabe]

congratulations on the milestone!!! can i pls request 𝟗𝟗𝟗, a mat barzal kinda hurt/comfort/sweet blurb pls? thank u sm and congrats again !!

hii i just posted the blurb here, hope you'll like it

[ao3feed-hockey]

put a lightyear between me and you

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/75trjIM

by mendeshoney

It's the worst fight you two have ever had, and Mat's pretty sure he's about to lose you.

Words: 2118, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Men's Hockey RPF

Rating: Not Rated

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: F/M

Characters: Mathew Barzal, Original Female Character(s)

Relationships: Mathew Barzal/Original Female Character(s)

Additional Tags: Angst, Angst and Romance, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/75trjIM