#marriagecounsling

[higherheightscs-blog]

“Marriage… what happened to the happiness every after?”

By Catherine Mire​​e, Therapist

We know that it’s not uncommon for marriages to experience a season of turbulence. However, what should be an occasional season, unfortunately today, frequently becomes a “norm”; resulting in so many just “hanging on”, while many others have quickly thrown in the towel.  Some just settle and try to pretend that all is well, projecting an appearance of an ideal couple, yet a long way off from hitting the mark.  

How is it that finding middle ground eludes us? How is it that two who once loved each other and couldn’t stay apart, now can’t find reasons to stay together?  How could we start off so good, yet end up so bad? What happened to the friends who would talk, laugh and make all sorts of plans; who had hopes of growing old together while making lasting memories along the way?

Now, it seems they have nothing good to say to the one they once said, “I do!”

On the other hand, there are those who enjoy each other to the fullest and seem to have a rhythm that works. Have they discovered a secret that’s only meant for a few to find? Albeit given the evidence, one could certainly argue that this must be true. However, “I think not!”

 While I certainly know all too well how challenging marriage can be,  I have discovered that so much more is possible than where so many end up.  I know, “New Life” can be breathed into what may appear as dead!

Given my training, experience and personal commitment, I can emphatically say that change is possible! And now is the time to take steps to explore opportunities that could enhance your life.

www.higherheightscounseling.com

[mounicalucia-blog]

The problems in your marriage started way before your marriage.

That’s an important concept to get your head around because so many of us of are convinced that we’ve married the wrong person, or we’re incompatible with our spouse.

But it’s really not about that.

The challenge in your marriage isn’t that you’re incompatible or that your partner is a bad person. The real issue is that you’re being triggered by something in your marriage and reacting strongly. And your partner probably is doing the same thing.

That’s why many marriages get in trouble and people quit. They never really get to the root of the problem.

The real problem is how we’re imprinted.

Meeting Your Needs Early in Life

Our imprinting started the moment we were born. We learned to get our needs met thousands of times in the first few years of life by crying and getting a response that met our needs to a greater or lesser extent. Along the way, we learned what worked and what didn’t.

This cycle of learning continued right up until we became adults, and it became our model for how we get our needs met. It became our imprint.

The problems in our marriage started long before we met our spouse, when our parents sometimes didn’t meet our needs appropriately. Or they didn’t meet them fast enough. Or they didn’t meet them at all.

Nobody’s perfect, and our parents were busy, or missed a signal, or maybe they were imprinted from their own childhood and didn’t react properly.

Whatever the reason, we also learned what it looks like when our needs go unmet—and what to do about it. From this we created a template for what we need from our spouse to feel complete, and how we should react if our needs go unmet.

When Your Imprint Hurts Your Marriage

The biggest hurdle that keeps us all from getting what we want in our marriage is our reactivity to our partner–how we react when we feel hurt or disappointed or angry. Our reactivity is what keeps us stuck.

When we see our needs not getting met, we get triggered. We might react loudly, or we might go quiet and withdraw. We might start a fight, or we might close up and stop sharing. We’re trying to meet our needs the way we learned when we were young, and this takes different forms depending on what we learned.

Our spouse does the same thing. They also react based on the imprint they learned when they were young.

It gets really interesting when we combine our imprint with the imprint of our partner. Now we have the dance, that pattern of behavior that keeps repeating and making us feel confused and frustrated over why things aren’t improving.

The dance is our pattern of reactivity. One person feels disappointed, anxious or angry and sets off a series of reactive behavior that our partner unwittingly engages in as well.

The only way out is learning how to handle our own reactivity. We can’t really deal with what’s going on with our partner, all we can do is learn how to manage ourselves.

Many marriages end because we never really figure out that part. We just quit. We keep waiting for our partner to change, but they’re not going to change. They’re dealing with their own imprint, their own reactivity.

So if we want to repair our marriage, we start with ourselves.

Dancing with Your Partner’s Imprint

Learning your partner’s imprint also is important.

I don’t think you can truly know your partner until you understand their childhood. It is the source of every beginning of needing and wanting, and whether it was met or not, and how it was met or not.

You need this knowledge because your marriage is a dance between your imprint and the imprint of your partner.

You may be a combination of the Avoider, the Victim and the Pleaser imprints, for instance. Your spouse might be a mix of Controller, Vacillator and Avoider.

You have to learn those dance moves to figure out what is causing this pattern of reactivity within you—what is setting you off. You also have to figure out what is setting off your partner, and how you and your partner can show up differently so you’re not triggering each other.

Where to Start Those Dance Lessons

This concept is called attachment theory, and there’s a great book on the topic I’m recommending to everyone right now. It’s called How We Love, by Milan and Kay Yerkovich.

I think so highly of this book! It talks about the core patterns in all of us, and it makes a great start for figuring out what’s really causing trouble in your marriage. I highly recommend the book.

We’re also putting the ideas in the book into practice with our clients, and they’re responding very well. I’m seeing amazing things.

When we help clients uncover their childhood imprint and see the dance they’re doing with their partner, they’re often stunned.

“Wow, that really IS me,” they tell me. “Oh my goodness, that’s what we do!”

The results have been so good, I want to go back and work again with some of our toughest clients from years ago who weren’t making progress. I want to invite them back and use attachment theory this time. That’s how effective this approach has been.

The Yerkovich book makes a great starting point, and you can really get a lot from it that will help your marriage.

But changing decades of patterning and habits is tough. The people who wrote the book say that truly getting a successful turnaround takes two years of weekly therapy.

So you also should consider getting support in addition to reading the book, because discovering you and your partner’s imprints is only half the work. You also need to learn to dance together based on those imprints, and that can be tough.

Give us a call or schedule an appointment online if you would like help with imprints. I really believe strongly in this approach, and I’d love to help your marriage by helping you and your partner understand why you are triggered and how to better meet each other’s needs.

Visit - https://themarriageplace.com/

[mounicalucia-blog]

http://drdeborahhecker.com/what-have-you-done-for-your-partner-lately/As part of my professional training, I spent many years studying psychoanalytic theory and technique. In short, my job was to help my clients examine past relationships for the purpose of understanding their present ones. The goal of the therapy was to develop Self-awareness.

After years of clinical work helping people to develop insight into them-selves, I gradually began to realize that while my training offered me a wealth of information about Self -development, it did not teach me about the complex nature of commitment, collaboration and the challenges of human partnerships.

My understanding of how two well-defined individuals come together and achieve the true intimacy they desperately want was further broadened after many additional years of study and training in various environments.

Your Self, Your Partner

Let’s begin with the obvious; a relationship is only as good as the people in it. If you enter into a romantic partnership with a partially defined Self, chances are excellent that you will look to your partner to make you feel whole- a recipe for disaster and a poor excuse for being in a relationship. It is not your partner’s responsibility to fill you up and make you happy. Each of you must do that for yourselves.

Once you have made a deep commitment to love and nurture your Self and your willingness to grow, you may be wondering – as I did at the end of my psychoanalytic training – what role you play in contributing to a healthy partnership?

In order to have a true intimacy, you must not only be responsible for your Self, but also do everything you can to help your partner grow to their optimum potential. Your partner is a unique individual, different from you, and your role is to support whatever inspires them, not for your benefit but for theirs. You must encourage their need for self-reliance as you do your own.

How To Love Your Partner

Let’s take a look at some of the things we can do for our partners on a regular basis. It is important to bear in mind, however, that by giving to your partner you are not undermining what you must continue to do to develop your Self. Nurturing your Self and your partner simultaneously are necessary ingredients for a healthy partnership.

Accept your partner unconditionally. This means not trying to change them and recognizing that change will only come if they desire it.

Ask your partner for their point of view. Life within a healthy love relationship means the co-existence of both points of view.

Encourage your partner to unfold in their own way, not yours.

Make room for altering values, tastes, needs, and careers.

Empathize with your partner. Feeling that you identify with their experience will bring them relief and a willingness to share themselves.

Express joy at their successes and compassion for their pain.

Let go of judging, interpreting, analyzing and defending your point of view.

Listen attentively to your partner. The gift of your attention and understanding will make them feel valued and validated.

Share your thoughts and feelings. Your partner cannot read your mind.

Always do things that give your partner pleasure and create a safe and nurturing environment.

With years of clinical work and study, introspection, two marriages (one failed and one successful) under my belt, I have a deep respect for the ongoing challenges of making a committed partnership work. A loving relationship is much more than understanding one’s Self. It is about the rewards and strains of giving and taking, and of living separately side by side. This is not a journey for the weak-hearted!

As part of my professional training, I spent many years studying psychoanalytic theory and technique. In short, my job was to help my clients examine past relationships for the purpose of understanding their present ones. The goal of the therapy was to develop Self-awareness.

After years of clinical work helping people to develop insight into them-selves, I gradually began to realize that while my training offered me a wealth of information about Self -development, it did not teach me about the complex nature of commitment, collaboration and the challenges of human partnerships.

My understanding of how two well-defined individuals come together and achieve the true intimacy they desperately want was further broadened after many additional years of study and training in various environments.

Your Self, Your Partner

Let’s begin with the obvious; a relationship is only as good as the people in it. If you enter into a romantic partnership with a partially defined Self, chances are excellent that you will look to your partner to make you feel whole- a recipe for disaster and a poor excuse for being in a relationship. It is not your partner’s responsibility to fill you up and make you happy. Each of you must do that for yourselves.

Once you have made a deep commitment to love and nurture your Self and your willingness to grow, you may be wondering – as I did at the end of my psychoanalytic training – what role you play in contributing to a healthy partnership?

In order to have a true intimacy, you must not only be responsible for your Self, but also do everything you can to help your partner grow to their optimum potential. Your partner is a unique individual, different from you, and your role is to support whatever inspires them, not for your benefit but for theirs. You must encourage their need for self-reliance as you do your own.

How To Love Your Partner

Let’s take a look at some of the things we can do for our partners on a regular basis. It is important to bear in mind, however, that by giving to your partner you are not undermining what you must continue to do to develop your Self. Nurturing your Self and your partner simultaneously are necessary ingredients for a healthy partnership.

Accept your partner unconditionally. This means not trying to change them and recognizing that change will only come if they desire it.

Ask your partner for their point of view. Life within a healthy love relationship means the co-existence of both points of view.

Encourage your partner to unfold in their own way, not yours.

Make room for altering values, tastes, needs, and careers.

Empathize with your partner. Feeling that you identify with their experience will bring them relief and a willingness to share themselves.

Express joy at their successes and compassion for their pain.

Let go of judging, interpreting, analyzing and defending your point of view.

Listen attentively to your partner. The gift of your attention and understanding will make them feel valued and validated.

Share your thoughts and feelings. Your partner cannot read your mind.

Always do things that give your partner pleasure and create a safe and nurturing environment.

With years of clinical work and study, introspection, two marriages (one failed and one successful) under my belt, I have a deep respect for the ongoing challenges of making a committed partnership work. A loving relationship is much more than understanding one’s Self. It is about the rewards and strains of giving and taking, and of living separately side by side. This is not a journey for the weak-hearted

Visit - http://drdeborahhecker.com/what-have-you-done-for-your-partner-lately/