#mark settledown

[mountain-high-philolsophers]

October 31 - First Period Assembly

Whispers and stifled laughter came from the boys (*teacher sorted) of the first period auditorium. They knew today was a day that would be going down in school history, the legendary school assembly to kick off the month of No Nut November. Mark Settledown, president of the Mountain High PhiLOLsophers Club, and Jackson Hardy, school principal, sat together at a table on the stage, each trying to look in charge.

Mark grinned brightly from the stage as his presentation began. He grinned a lot. "Good morning, penis havers!" he said.

"Boys," corrected Mr. Hardy, from beside Mark. "This is the boys assembly."

"Yeah? And could you define 'boy'?"

Mr. Hardy sighed. This was going to be a long month. The manual sent to his office included an enormous list of official definitions, debated and approved of by the best politicians Texas could elect, and after months of legal struggles, his opinions on its contents no longer mattered. He rubbed his eyes and said, "A boy is anyone born with a penis."

"So good morning, penis havers!" repeated Mark, even more enthusiastically. "Tonight at midnight begins a game we will all be playing for the next month, one I'm sure you've heard of, called 'No Nut November'! For anyone who isn't aware, here are the general rules. Save your questions for the end, please..."

The rules were familiar to everyone, they'd been on the news for months. Don't cum, simple as that, and it applied to girls (*everyone else in the school) too. No one could put anything in their cooch or their ass, and none of the boys (*people who didn't want stuff in their butt) were nervous about it. Nervous laughs came from the boys (*penis) in the audience.

"...which brings me to the reason you're all here. This..." he said, whipping out a small package for everyone in the assembly to see, "...is a special condom, issued to everyone in this room. Everyone should have one..."

"And only one," interjected Mr. Hardy.

"...so make sure you get one one before you leave. You will notice it has our school mascot on the outside, and on the inside..."

He tore open the condom and grabbed his water bottle, making a show of fumbling with the condom for a bit before finally putting it on. "Ah!" he said, finishing, "You have to find the right side up and roll it all the way down." Mr. Hardy looked at him, annoyed, as Mark continued.

"On the inside are a series of markings, whose purpose is officially a mystery." He looked at Mr. Hardy, furiously disapproving. "Now remember, you only get one, so make sure to hold onto it until the end of the month. Are there any questions?"

Students raised their hands, and the first question went to a shy student in purple glasses. "I don't really want to talk to anyone about whether or not I jack off," he said. "Is there really no way to opt out?"

Mark shook his head. "Not really, but as long as you give a number, any number, then no one is allowed to bother you about it. Just say one day, you're allowed to lie, dude. No one is going to check. You don't get punished for losing, and you don't get school points for winning. If your friends don't care, then no one will care.

Mr. Hardy clarified. "While legally students may not choose to opt themselves out of class activities such as this one, 'one day' is considered an official non-answer, meaning nothing. However, without a note from your parents, you cannot say 'not playing'. You must either give a number, or say still going."

"But...!"

Mark sighed, and said, "The one day rule gives you a way to be within the rules without actually playing. It's a plot device so the story can be about high schoolers awkwardly attempting to be sexy without technically being forced into anything except social awkwardness. If you don't like the genre of story you're in, get a note from your parents. Next question."

The next questioner was Rodger Harwell, a bully who had at one point punched Mark in the face for breaking the fourth wall. "If it's not graded, then what makes you think anyone will play this stupid game?"

Marked laughed. "It's not graded, but it is a real game, with real winners and losers. Some of you will want to win, and some of you are losers." He made a L with his fingers on his forehead. "Are you a loser, Harwell? Can you even go a whole day without touching yourself?"

Mr. Hardy got mad, and question time moved on.

The next few questions were largely procedural. "What if I get a wet dream?" (As long as it was not a lucid dream), "Are there free passes if you really need to?" (No), "When does the game begin?" (Exactly at midnight), and "Is there a way for readers of this story to ask their own questions if they're confused?" (Yes, send this blog an ask).

The last question before the bell rang was directed only at Mark. His best friend, Abbot Costello, asked him "Do you think you'll make it?" And Mark grinned, and said, "Absolutely. Go Wildcats!" The auditorium yowled, and first period assembly ended.