#mandalaybayexcaliburtram

[thedaveandkimmershow]

So... this story’s about time. How much we thought we had. And how much we ran out of.

We’re finishing our conversation with officer White in The Shops At Crystals on South Las Vegas Boulevard. About ten to three in the afternoon. She’s just told us the thing about the trams and how we could easily reach the Luxor not on foot.

Now, to put all this in context, our plan for the day never called for us to actually leave the Paris Las Vegas. But, in our meanderings through and around the building, I happened to spy, a couple “blocks” down the street, New York-New York... another outside-indoors experience, I hoped. So we continued in that direction, ran into Ms. White and, with a little over two-and-a-half hours until the Beatleshow Orchestra performance was to begin, we figured there was plenty of time to see a full-blown modern-day pyramid.

Off we went, then, bidding a fond fare-thee-well to our newest Las Vegas acquaintance. By the time we reached New York-New York, it was a quarter past three.

Inside, we longingly perused Hershey’s Chocolate World, turned our backs on The Big Apple Coaster that flies high above the hotel/casino, and became completely enamored with the human-sized, though still very retro, Ms. Pac-Man and Space Invaders.

Quarter to four.

Now we’re “next door”, the block south of New York-New York, at the Excalibur. A few steps to the left, and we’re at the aforementioned tram that’s, believe it or not... just pulled in. 

Our plan is totally gonna work.

By five minutes to four, we’re standing in front of the Luxor, Instagramming the heck out of it. Then we wander inside to see the wonders therein... but it’s like Linzy told us after she and her friends hit the place in June: kind of underwhelming.

Not sure what could’ve been there that would absolutely whelm me, but we had the same experience as Linzy before us. Overwhelmingly... meh.

By the time we’re on the return tram, it’s five after four. No worries, right?

Well.

We arrive at Excalibur a few minutes later, no sweat. Except... we get off the tram a stop early. Turns out there are two platforms at the Excalibur. South... and north.

This was the southern platform, connecting us to stairs actually depositing us on the sidewalk lining the south edge of the “block”. So we start this part of our return farther away than we’re meaning to be.

Into the casino we go (something we hadn’t done before), and by the time we figure out how to navigate its insides back to the northern platform where the bridge to New York-New York’s located...  roughly ten minutes have passed.

Four-twenty.

We cruise our way over the bridge, through New York-New York, out the way we came in. At this point, my Cozi app’s reminding me to check-in using the Southwest Airlines app, securing our boarding passes as early as humanly possible.

Got ‘er done by the time we hit the cross-walk.

By the time we’re across the street, about to enter the Monte Carlo where we can catch the tram to take us another few “blocks”, there’s an obvious question: do we take the tram... or will walking get us to Planet Hollywood faster?

In retrospect, we should’ve walked. Here’s why:

Once inside the Monte Carlo, we had to navigate a bit of maze through some large-scale remodeling being done on one end of the Casino floor. Plus, we had to make our way to the back of the building... which wound up being about a Las Vegas block’s worth of walking from where we entered.

Got that? Our destination’s north. We just walked due west. Which means... for all that walking, we had literally no closer to our destination.

Now it’s up, up, up several escalators to the roof. Less than a minute later, the tram arrives and off we go, on our way to the Bellagio. One “block” later, we’re at the Shops at Crystals stop which itself is one “block” from Planet Hollywood where the Beatles performance is. Basically, we’re kitty corner from where we want to be. 

Should we get off here? Yes? No? Yes?

No.

The tram continues with a sharp left, taking us not only to the terminus behind the Bellagio... but even farther west. At this point, even though we’re even with Planet Hollywood, we’re now at least one-and-a-half, maybe two, “blocks” back from the boulevard.

So we walk. And walk. And walk.

Out the front lobby, we turn right and follow a covered marble walk, the Bellagio skybridge, to the street. This, of course, is the length of an airport concourse... so we continue to eat time.

Five to Five.

Not great. But no bad. Concert’s right across the street... so we’re home-free.

Except, not.

The light turns to “walk”, we hustle across the boulevard, up the stairs, through the main entrance, over to the concierge.

I tell him we have tickets to the Beatleshow Orchestra and we’re looking for the box office.

“That’s out the door to your right,” he says, “Just around the corner. The V Theater.”

Wait. What?

“The tickets show it’s at Planet Hollywood,” I say, motioning with both arms so as to indicate “here”.

“It is,” he replies. “Welcome!”

Yeah.

So we turn around, walk out the doors we assumed to be our Finish Line, hook around the corner coming face to face with...

A mall.

No kidding. He sent us to the mall.

We speed up through the doors and, just to get this mistake out of the way as quickly as possible, I ask the first employee I see, a maintenance worker, if they know where to find the box office for Beatleshow Orchestra.

“Straight that way. Stay to your right all the way back.”

Huh. She actually knew what I was talking about.

So we walk ‘n walk ‘n walk. Walk ‘n walk ‘n walk for about, turns out, a thousand feet of shopping mall. The Miracle Mile Shops at Planet Hollywood.

At some point in there, those thousand feed become, quite inexplicably, an evening in Morocco.

No joke.

An evening.

In Morocco.

Which, apparently, is where V Theater’s located.

Finally. We’re here.

Five after five.

We quickly queue up in the box office line, exchanging pleasantries with a couple who were wondering if this was where they needed to be since they’d already bought their seats... they just needed physical tickets.

It better be, I thought, ‘cause that’s us, too.

Finally, the line deposits us in front of a friendly box office agent who proceeds to take us through The Upsell. You actually have to indicate your choices for every upsell opportunity on the touch screen, right there, in front of you.

So... no.

No.

No.

And... no.

Then, the magic moment: we actually have tickets in hand. But instead of saying “Enjoy the performance!” the box office agent says this:

“You realize the show doesn’t play at this theater, don’t you?”

Well... no, We don’t.

We did not, in fact, know that.

“Yeah. It’s 10 [didn’t catch this part] that way.”

Turns out, we’d not yet reached “all the way back”.

Five fifteen.

Now we’re walking, again, and Kimmer’s like

“Did she say 10 blocks???”

Wow. I sure hope not.

Thankfully, I think she said something like “10 shops” because, after that amount of distance, there it was. Our destination. The Saxe Theater.

It’s where we were going this whole time.

The kids at the front door received our tickets cheerfully and snapped a photo of us in front of a Las Vegas backdrop (for sale after the show... 10 dollars). They ushered us into the waiting area where an announcement would eventually be made that we could take our seats.

That took us by surprise because it was now Five twenty-five and the show’s supposed to start at five-thirty. Five minutes from now.

Huh.

Now, another upsell: “You can have a seat at the bar while you’re waiting.”

Okay whatever. We were super thirsty anyway. Now, for those of you who remember back in the days when Kimmer provided medical care at summer camps, you’ll remember what she told everyone.

Hydrate!

Hydrate! Hydrate! Hydrate!

And there we were, on a 95 degree day, hadn’t had anything to drink since the morning. Certainly, nothing while we were on foot out in the sun.

So we mosey up to the bar, pick up a menu, and read the fateful words that officially signified the end of our Vegas footrace. They were printed in bold, right there, at the top:

“All drinks are 16 dollars.”

Gently putting the menu down, we situate ourselves at a table by the wall sans food or libation.

It would be more than two, maybe coming up on three, hours before either of us would be able to partake of something to eat or drink.

And that, my friends, is tomorrow’s tale.