#man. some of this dubiously reads like fic or at the very least an outline.

[aranarumei]

you WILL read my visions of hanzawa to tashiro

hi. I’m kiri. nice to see you here. this entire post is inspired by this lovely poll conducted by @dirtbra1n, specifically regarding the outfits tashiro would wear for the beauty contest (this is what I’m calling the crossdressing competition, if that name seems unfamiliar) in his third year. I shall also be referencing some of their writings because they are like, creative director for the hanzawa to tashiro ‘verse. if you have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about, uh. ask me ig. the point is, basically I started thinking about the actual realities of hanzawa to tashiro as like, a manga or just as a like, semi-linear story, and I was thinking about how exactly the school festival in tashiro’s third year would flow into that. and so I reread the chapters surrounding the school festival in sasaki to miyano, and this post became almost 6k. so I’m leaving the rest under the cut. technically, all of this is just voter propaganda.

to outline my thoughts a little bit, I voted “sailor style uniform (black & red)” in the poll originally but I was. Intrigued by the option that was just “other (elaborate) (please)” because like… well, what if there was a better option, one that I hadn't considered? you can find my reasoning for picking that outfit in the tags of the poll, but I'll be going over it again, so there’s no need. anyways, I was dwelling on it. wondering how to figure out what outfit might work best. and I wanted to confirm that miyano’s outfit for the contest had indeed been a kimono bc like. god what if I was wrong. so I reread the festival chapters.

and let me tell you!! when you are no longer looking at sasaki and miyano during the festival chapters, there is So Much Stuff happening!! first off: to confirm, miyano’s outfit is referred to as a “kimono-style outfit” [ch 22, sasaki to miyano] in the translation I’m reading, which to me is one of the reasons I’d argue against that being tashiro’s competition outfit—it would be a repetition of the previous year. 

and then, to my absolute surprise, kuresawa as understudy is wearing what looks like… a sailor uniform [ch 23, sasaki to miyano], and from googling screencaps of the anime it looks like it is very specifically a black & red sailor uniform! (perhaps this is where the poll choice originated)

to go on a bit of a tangent, I remember the exact moment I realized that a large part of hirano to kagiura’s timeline was taking place in volume one of sasaki to miyano. like as I write this, the hirano of hirano to kagiura isn’t even a third year! thinking on that, for the timeline of hanzawa to tashiro, I think it would be interesting if it started sort of later in the sasaki to miyano timeline—miyano’s (and therefore tashiro’s) third year. with flashes back towards previous years as needs must (I personally would love to see a lot more of the ping pong club). (yeah I’m so normal about the fact that the anthology comic had short stories with sasamiya hirakagi and hanzashiro. so normal why do u ask.) with that in mind, placing the beginning of hanzawa to tashiro around tashiro’s third year gives me a better idea what exactly I want the festival to represent—a launchpad for the Main Ideas and Themes that will develop throughout a theoretical hanzawa to tashiro. this includes but is not limited to tashiro’s exploration of gender. this is in contrast to how I’d argue the festival functions in sasaki to miyano, where it is the like. Realization Point for the whole story? after chapters upon chapters of miyano dissecting his relationship with sasaki, he finally… overlaps with him, literally, in their inner thoughts. it’s an obvious requiting of feelings—what the series has been building up to since the start. on the other hand, I see this festival more like the “do you want to kiss him?” [ch 6, hirano to kagiura] question of hirano to kagiura—it’s what catapults the hanzawa to tashiro story into action. 

but before we get to that: what are hanzawa and tashiro up to in the previous year’s festival?  

when the beauty contest is first brought up, there’s a couple of outfit suggestions thrown forward: sailor outfit, blazer, temple priestess (I assume this is a miko, though I’m unsure of what’s said in the original japanese), and a teacher uniform. not much to say regarding this—it’s a pretty quick moment that illustrates what some common choices could be. (love hanzawa by the way for being like hm. maybe we need to question these guys to make sure they’re not developing a biased view of women [ch 19, sasaki to miyano])

as for how all this crossdressing is facilitated, hanzawa masato has a big sister who cosplays [ch 19, sasaki to miyano]. we know he also has two brothers who are gay and like that’s why it’s like. carry on the family line… this is something you’ll feel so normal about. no worries. that interests me. first off: masato middle child having crazy elder sibling vibes to everyone else makes him so interesting. he’s just like me for real. it does make me wonder like… huh, doesn’t he have a big sister to also possibly carry on the family line…? but I suppose she would likely change her last name if she ever got married. still that’s an interesting dimension to the entire situation. the idea of his big sister cosplaying is also so good because it means that every sibling masato has is kind of quirky. I mean I personally don’t imagine masato’s big sister as a secretive cosplayer if she’s lending her stuff out like this. so the image of hanzawa masato being his freakish (affectionate) dyed hair secret piercings normal self around his siblings who are like very out and about with their eccentricities (only eccentric as it compares to “normal” societal ideals, of course) compels me. 

next detail I want to harp on about: the scene where tashiro is stunned by kuresawa in a wig [ch 22, sasaki to miyano] like. Gets Me. because as far as I can tell there, kuresawa is not doing anything but wearing a wig and not wearing his glasses (which, to be fair, can make one nigh unrecognizable. I used to win staring contests by taking off my glasses bc ppl would be so surprised by my face they’d blink). and this beauty contest, along with earlier chapters, make the point that even though miyano looks quite cute, he is not exactly feminine to the point of being like a standard girl. when hanzawa’s helping him with the kimono, he’s like. ah this was a good choice. kuresawa was a given, but you’ve got pretty broad shoulders, too. [ch 22, sasaki to miyano] so we see affirmations of miyano’s masculinity here. the point of this is that tashiro sees what he assumes to be a cute girl improbably in an all-boys school, and immediately goes up to say hi, even though this cute girl is taller than him and also just kuresawa in a wig. what this says to me is that the Lines of Gender are much blurrier for tashiro than they are for miyano, which interests me.

(will not comment on the way miyano reacts to the situation like. please stop telling me abt this or I will have bl fantasies. and how imagining tashiro in one is a "little too easy" [ch 22, sasaki to miyano] like. I think this says what it says)

tashiro is actually so gender this festival. he’s has fun discussing what his “female name” would be and it’s literally just gon-chan, which is not a different reading or a replacing part of the name with “ko,” it is just a shortened version of his name + -chan. and miyano’s like you’re way too accepting of this. [ch 24.5, sasaki to miyano] once again, they contrast each other: tashiro is somewhat interested in this whole affair while miyano wants to be completely separate from it. part of that is due to miyano being hyper-aware of his lack of masculine features and therefore specifically against crossing any sort of gender boundaries—this is evident in how kuresawa is also much more chill about the experience, but while tashiro is also chill, unlike kuresawa he seems genuinely invested and even delighted? 

this is further compounded by the scene post-festival where shirahama wants to be not-single for christmas and then tashiro goes. want me to crossdress...? [ch 28, sasaki to miyano] like okay. tashiro’s offer is indicating that maybe he’s still thinking about the beauty contest in a way that others maybe didn’t. also how he assumes this is like. Functionally Equivalent or at least a Salve to shirahama lacking a girlfriend… do u see the #girl inherent here. the blurring of tashiro’s gender. in this same scene, miyano is then surprised by how unfazed tashiro is about the concept of sasaki and miyano dating. it’s a fun contrast to shirahama many chapters later who is unsure if they’re even supposed to discuss their relationship in public [ch 42, sasaki to miyano]. 

we learn a lot about hanzawa around this time, too. the festival and proceeding chapters are when we learn of hanzawa’s brothers, his joking-but-not-really pressure to carry on the family line, and specifically, a very illuminating conversation he has with his older brother—where he blurts out "i wish you'd stop bringing every conversation around to romance!" [ch 28, sasaki to miyano] 

I would say that this, by far, is the most outwardly emotional we ever see hanzawa masato get. and it’s such an interesting sentiment, because hanzawa clearly does have an interest in romance—“I sensed someone was having relationship troubles, so I came running” and “I do enjoy stories of other people, so long as I don’t get caught up in any displays of jealousy” [both from ch 38, sasaki to miyano] and really, his whole demeanor in hirano to kagiura where he’s carefully watching their relationship to the point that he recognizes the specific ringtone kagiura is coded to on hirano’s phone. [ch 39, sasaki to miyano] miyano literally points this out in his head in the actual chapter hanzawa has this outburst. hanzawa masato clearly likes romance—I think he just doesn’t like it when it’s applied to himself. [see: this post by @dirtbra1n for further reading]

tashiro also has an awkward relationship with romance. once sasaki and miyano get together for real, tashiro asks what their dates are like (“normal stuff”) and then asks what kuresawa and his gf’s dates are like (“normal stuff”) and gets frustrated because like, what does that even mean, right? [ch 33, sasaki to miyano] note the way tashiro draws no real line of differentiation between kuresawa and miyano’s relationships in this conversation, even though in his frustrated outburst, he bemoans the lack of a girlfriend in specific (at least in the translation I’m working off of)—I genuinely feel like the lines of gender and sexuality are fairly blurred for tashiro and he just hasn’t noticed it. we then hear that the one time he’d been to a group date he was so nervous he’d forgotten the entire ordeal. (man and he goes to one again and makes fun of shiarahama for being the only one who didn’t get a girlfriend out of it even though he also didn't get one. [ch 43, sasaki to miyano]) so like, with tashiro’s lack of experience and hanzawa’s general avoidance, I think they could be weird about romance… together. [see: this post by @dirtbra1n which encapsulates what makes the concept fun]

it’s telling to me that hanzawa’s outburst is about romantic pressure, while the clarification that comes after where he says not gay and is attracted to women is a much more minor conversation. I don’t think hanzawa is purposefully lying here—I think, for him, it’s easy enough to say he’s attracted to women, simply because he’s not yet attracted to anyone, and sticking to the “default” is easy enough. like he says here, he enjoys spending time with his friends. and I think it’s obvious, the way hanzawa loves his friends, the way he’s always looking after them and worrying about their relationships, and the way he gives advice. (imagine throwing “I don’t get involved with women I don’t intend to marry” [ch 21.5, sasaki to miyano] ogasawara at hanzawa tho. I think the results would be hysterical.)

a really fun detail in this conversation: his brother says he hangs out with a lot of girls but doesn’t date any of them, which is partially why he’d suspected hanzawa was gay. during the festival, while hirano and hanzawa are chatting, hanzawa mentions asking his female friends for information on their taste, and hirano is like oh… not your girlfriend? and refers to a girl named kaede, who hanzawa refers to as just a friend. [ch 27.5, sasaki to miyano] at the movies, hanzawa’s with someone when he spots sasaki and miyano on a movie date—and she calls him masato-kun! [ch 27, sasaki to miyano] I don’t think this is his big sister since she’d be more likely to call him maa-kun, and the color of this girl’s hair isn’t the same screentone as the rest of the hanzawa family. this isn’t like super relevant analysis-wise but like. I’m taking notes so I can work her into hanzawa to tashiro. the fact that there are these girls hanzawa is friends with that we basically never see (harusono show us the forbidden women) does remind me of that one time miyano and ogasawara discuss hanzawa’s number of clones [ch 27, sasaki to miyano] and it’s like… yeah, he’s leading so many separate lives. 

that’s about all I wanted to touch on regarding previous events, so now I can talk about the prospective hanzawa to tashiro festival and specifically, tashiro’s experience with the beauty contest that year. 

the options presented in the poll mentioned earlier were: a sailor style uniform, a kimono, and a maid uniform, with some variations on presentation for each outfit. I think maid uniforms are boring so no comments there. in hanzawa to tashiro it would be brought up as a suggestion once and then get shut down, probably. the kimono was done by miyano last year, and I doubt anyone is raring to compare themselves against him, because miyano was pretty good, competition-wise. tashiro brings up the idea of doing a sort of, idol-outfit, because I have made up the idea in my head that while he’s not wildly into them, tashiro probably appreciates the cute & bright idol aesthetic as well as their clear voices. 

“idol outfits are complicated,” someone will say. “how’s anyone even gonna pull that off?” 

and tashiro, unthinking, will reply, “ah… you’re right! last year hanzawa-senpai helped us out, but what are we gonna do this year?” the class has turned to stare at him. “...what?” 

“hey, tashiro… you’d make an okay girl, wouldn’t you?” 

shirahama had brought it up (half-joking, half-knowing because he’d been in the same middle school as tashiro and there were just ways you knew things when you had been around someone long enough) when they were trying to figure out who would participate earlier, and tashiro hadn’t—disagreed, necessarily. besides, miyano was firmly against participating again, and kuresawa was in a different class, and though they’d gotten sidetracked by the discussions of what outfits would look best, well—tashiro had been a pretty decent option in the end, hadn’t he? 

and it’s convenient, anyways. tashiro’s close with hanzawa and could totally ask him for a favor. if tashiro goes to message hanzawa, he’ll see that they texted just two days ago. hanzawa had been such a reliable force as a third year—even now, he’d probably be happy to help one of his dear kouhais, wouldn’t he? 

in the face of all of that, tashiro objects not to joining the beauty contest but rather the idea of bothering hanzawa when he shouldn’t. and technically tashiro is always bothering hanzawa over text when he thinks of something random and messages him about it, but there’s a difference between that and taking so much of hanzawa’s precious time. but at the insistence of his classmates he concedes that at the very least, he’ll ask, and when he does, hanzawa agrees. this would be a surprise if tashiro did not know that hanzawa was always that nice, even when he was being kind of mean. 

once the Reality of doing the beauty contest sets in, I think tashiro would agree: idol outfits are complicated. if he’s doing this, he’d like his outfit to be something that isn’t a pain to wear. (for anyone who believes in an alternate universe where he does go with an idol outfit, go wild with it. this is but one of many paths) they can’t quite settle on an outfit yet that day, and like he’s reading their minds, hanzawa suggests that tashiro simply. invite himself over and decide that way. the class leaves tashiro with strict instructions to text their festival groupchat for final approval, and that’s… that. tashiro’s a little worried about how much time he’s taking up in the precious hours of the day hanzawa has, but he’s not… complaining, really.

before he meets up with hanzawa, tashiro and kuresawa probably end up talking about the festival. kuresawa’s probably not doing it this time, as I think he did it last year to support miyano more than anything else. I mean, he was the entire reason an understudy existed the previous year. “there’s no tasuko for you to fall for, unfortunately,” kuresawa says in the driest voice possible, and tashiro contemplates strangling him but like, only in a slapstick sense. even in his imaginations he’s not capable of great violence. but he does hope that gon-chan will look better than tasuko, at the very least. 

so the day arrives and they try on a couple of outfits that either hanzawa or tashiro suggest, but none of them look quite right or some of them are hard to judge since tashiro can’t even fit into them, and even the ones that he does fit into would need to be adjusted. after he’s tried on a miko outfit they both remember miyano’s kimono, and so they dig that out and try it on, and obviously they can’t reuse to same outfit as last year, but it’s then that tashiro remembers. hey. isn’t the sailor uniform kuresawa wore here? because I imagine post-festival, hanzawa simply took the costumes back since they were his sister’s. (insert nozaki cursing the fact that he’s not a bishounen and can’t wear sailor uniforms here. actually very seriously if you want delightful poking fun at shoujo romance tropes and just the most bisexual cast ever u should read gekkan shoujo nozaki kun.) 

and tashiro tries it on and it like. fits pretty well! the shoulders are maybe a bit broader than they need to be, but it rests on his frame in a way that feels like he’s actually in the correct clothing. and it needs some minor adjustments, but it’s comfortable, just like he wanted. and hanzawa is laughing all of a sudden and tashiro is a little defensive, because hanzawa says, “tashiro-kun, that doesn’t suit you at all,” and tashiro says, “what is that supposed to mean?” even though he knows the answer is probably that he’s grown taller [ch 33.6, sasaki to miyano] (at this current moment, he has forgotten that hanzawa’s sister is hanzawa’s height [ch 22, sasaki to miyano]) and at that point, it means that he probably just looks silly… but hanzawa instead says, “ah. don’t you think you look kind of like a delinquent? that dyed hair and that black and red sailor uniform… it’s certainly not a pure image, is it?”

“do I seem pure usually?” tashiro asks, breathing a little easier already. 

“sometimes,” hanzawa says. “only when you’re an idiot.” and before tashiro can get too mad hanzawa inspects the outfit for a while longer and tells him, “a dramatic image change… that could be fun. you said it’s comfortable, so that’s a bonus—maybe keep wearing it while we look at some other outfits? so you’ll notice if anything is wrong with it while your classmates discuss.”

so tashiro snaps a quick selfie and is fake-aggrieved about hanzawa calling him a delinquent, and the class groupchat realizes that while miyano had flubbed his script lines a little the last time, tashiro was far less self-conscious and they could go all out on concept, which meant that he was just wearing a sailor uniform at this moment, but he could absolutely be like. a high school girl rockstar. it’s not like we’d win based on your face alone, someone would text, and tashiro would be a little annoyed about it but pleased at the way hanzawa had looked pleased, anyways. hanzawa was right about the colors not suiting him, too. maybe a brighter color…? that wouldn’t fit the concept they’d decided on, but he still knows he’d look better in a different color. but either way, it seems like the outfit’s good, so he can change back to his normal clothes.

so that’s my explanation as to how, exactly, a “sailor style uniform (black & red)” would work. I’ve provided the means and the method. but like… conceptually, why is a black & red sailor uniform (possibly) the best choice?

my argument starts with the joy of a sailor uniform in general. unlike a lot of other possibilities, it's an outfit that is casual and fun and comfortable, so tashiro would feel fairly natural in it. at this very moment, under this context, it's a Costume, but for a girl attending school, it could just be her everyday outfit. and that’s good in comparison to something like a maid outfit, which feels more obvious in its construction as a performance. but if you wear something that is kind of an everyday outfit, it blurs the lines between what's Real and what is being Performed, right? 

the reason I prefer (black & red) over (white & blue) is that black and red is a bit of an... unusual color scheme, as I had hanzawa point out for me. as I outlined above, it gives the class a Concept to latch onto, and a reason for tashiro to wear something that’s a bit simple yet have that be his entry for the beauty contest. shirahama 100% writes the script section. I believe in his gal game experience. so black and red pushes the outfit more into costuming territory and gives the believability of a Performance, but it also does so in a way that centers the Performance on like, tashiro having a kind of edge that he usually doesn’t, not on him actually crossdressing. 

so this gives a third year tashiro both the space to explore gender while being partially in denial about it if needed. and the fact that he can do both will actually force him into making More Realizations about his gender, I think, because if it’s meant to be easy to deny something but it’s hard for you, well… what does that say about yourself? tashiro here is also fulfilling one of harusono’s favorite character things, where there’s a "bad boy that absolutely is not a bad boy" with tashiro’s pudding hair and delinquent concept. I also think he’d pierce his ears later as a gender thing so he’d really fit with that, then. 

I touched on this a little above but I truly believe that at some point, tashiro looks at himself and thinks that the colors don’t really suit him, and thinks that if he was picking out a version of this outfit just for himself, he’d change the colors to what he liked, and then come to the realization that the skirt is actually not like, the reason he feels odd in this outfit. for the other poll options of kimono and maid I’ve already touched on why I’m not too interested in them (done by miyano before + feels a little too tropey)

also I want tashiro to be sharp and black and red because he is so often spring green. simply for the image of it and nothing else. I want to see this come alive alongside the image of hanzawa staring at his reflection in the river, bleeding out, water colored partially with strange-pink-red blood masking his face from himself. whatever. I just have a need to position tashiro on this swath of blues like a sharp shock.

much love to @sunnnfish for bringing up the fact that a sailor style uniform, is, well, a sailor style uniform—it has a built-in connection to the water! which is wonderful, because hanzawa is partially being drowned by a river [see: this post by @dirtbra1n which elaborates a little on the river metaphor] and tashiro is. well. in this concept, he’s a sailor, which makes the opposing ways they interact with the idea of the river so interesting. hanzawa is like an anchor without a ship. sinking to rest at the bottom, dead and forgotten. but tie an anchor to a ship and it transforms from just a dead weight into something brilliantly useful. hanzawa is transformed too, I think, when he’s able to be useful. when he can care for his friends. 

as you can see, I couldn’t think of an “other (elaborate) (please)” option that would win over that sailor style outfit, because the moment I saw kuresawa wearing it, I felt like it was fate. however I do have some different outfit suggestions and possible directions in terms of what to do with them… in my mind these are just various things hanzawa gets tashiro to try on before they settle on the sailor outfit. I like the idea of an idol outfit—that’s why it’s a suggestion that tashiro gives before rejecting it, and the concept tashiro’s playing in the beauty contest is a kind of idol-esque figure, just not one with with all the frills. and I mentioned both a miko outfit and a kimono outfit as stuff tashiro tried on, mostly just because: 

hanzawa masato doesn’t like sundays. the shrine won’t be performing any exorcisms today. to be more specific, the miko that greets him feels his forehead with a warm hand and decides that he’s in good health. he doesn’t want her to know how little he values her judgment, so he bows to offer a prayer instead. [i of iii: ghosts, by @dirtbra1n] 

and

it’s night now, and everything that was green is either dark orange or blood red. dim and damp alleyways run jaggedly between impersonal skyscrapers and crumbling, very old storefronts. gonzaburou’s scared as hell about it. it’s all really cool. he’s standing on damp cobblestone, staring down at his scattered reflection. his hair is loose, and his roots have grown out way more than he likes. a dark kimono hangs loose off his frame. he frowns. [ii of iii: blood in the water, by @dirtbra1n]

and 

masato turns his head, creaky like a wooden doll. “…tashiro-kun.” kimono-clad, he offers a hand. “you’re not face first in muck this time.” [iii of iii: funeral arrangements, by @dirtbra1n]

since these outfits / images appear in hanzawa’s dreamscape I would personally love to mess with him and have the lines of reality to blur sooo badly for him. if I used these posts as a springboard I think it could be very fun in terms of balancing the wild metaphors hanzawa is living between and tashiro’s very Present self. I do think there is a universe where one of these ends up being the main choice and there’s a wonderful dive into it imagery-wise.

moving past the beauty contest, I fully believe the actual activity their class is doing a haunted house. I have a need for hanzawa masato to be inflicted by metaphorical ghosts along with crude ghost costumes. like I want him to experience the horrors while besieged by the tame horrors of an earnestly-created haunted house. the thought consumes me. 

way earlier, I said that I thought this festival would be a great launchpad in terms of really starting to explore and develop the main themes in hanzawa to tashiro. I think I’ve illustrated a lot of that just with what I’ve touched on above but… I’ll elaborate some more, here.

to me this festival brings up pretty much all of the main points that I think I’d want to address in a prospective hanzawa to tashiro: front and center is obviously the roots of exploring tashiro’s gender—him being older now, I assume that his hair, though slow growing, is growing, and I think if he let it down it would be… not long, but longer than would be seen as “normal”? so I think they would just style his real hair for the festival, which again blurs the lines of what’s real and what’s just a performance. his hair would be mostly brown with those blond tips, still, and when teased about how long it had gotten he’d sheepishly explain to hanzawa-senpai that every time he thought about dyeing it again he could hear hanzawa scolding him. and he didn’t want to go and trim the blond parts because, well. that would be boring. and hanzawa would laugh again only it would be a little softer and he’d say, “well, that’s very you, tashiro-kun,” and maybe he’d twirl a strand of it around his fingers, the blond tips bleach-brittle. 

and I think that the eventual “I really need to cut it some time…” comment, the beauty contest, the casual way the outfit had settled on his shoulders, the way the only thing that had felt out-of-character was the color of the outfit and the script his classmates had written… I think it would get tashiro questioning, a little. maybe he’d ask, again, how many piercings hanzawa had gotten, and even with no proper answer, decide to get his own. and while the piercings healed he would notice, when stores sold earrings, and then pick a few pairs out for himself. wear them on a casual day out. 

but before that, tashiro would be hanging out with hanzawa during the festival, and they’d be interacting within the framework of that familiar school even though hanzawa was now in university, but they’d also be interacting within the bounds of a school festival, which is an interesting mix of public and private that would really force someone to consider the way that they’re seen. the beauty contest would do the same. and so hanzawa would be hyper-aware of the idea of masks, and so, too, would tashiro. in his third year, hanzawa played fortune teller without a bad boy outfit because it had unsettled the rest of his class. [ch 26, sasaki to miyano] he probably has the most piercings out of all of them… not that he would let anyone know the number [second year novel illustrations and extras, sasaki to miyano (I spent way too long looking for this. in this same category kuresawa says ‘tashiro bought a gun’ and offers no further context) ]. but you can’t put hanzawa masato into a bad boy outfit and have it work, because he’s already performing a role, and I don’t think he knows how to switch out of it. 

and this same person is in university now, which is a very interesting place to be, because you’re still in school, but expected to be an Adult, which means he’s definitely being crushed by both the expectation of what he’s meant to do as well as the expectation that he should be doing things with more freedom than ever before. my mother once told me a story about a boy who is the son of the ship’s captain. and when it’s sinking, he waits patiently until the captain tells him what to do, and the ship is saved. she was told this same story when she was about to graduate high school, and this time, the boy drowned because he couldn’t think for himself. how confusing, to be expected to change the way you think so suddenly, she told me, and I think the same applies to hanzawa. 

and hanzawa, after devoting time to a festival that he’s no longer part of, would see tashiro in his element—helping out other classes, chatting up strangers, interacting with everyone with ease and being likable, the way he is naturally, the way hanzawa masato wakes up feeling like he’s forcing himself to be, knowing that the real thing in front of him is like this, unmatched—  

see, tashiro gets in extra practice with ping pong because there’s a table at a bathhouse on the way home. he’s charmed the older folks there so he helps out with cleaning, plays ping pong with them, and gets snacks in return. [ch 33, sasaki to miyano] one time he’d dragged hanzawa there and they’d had a nice bit of extra practice, but hanzawa doesn’t remember the ping pong as much as he remembers the way tashiro had so easily fit into conversation with everyone there, the way he was so clearly and plainly adored— 

hanzawa sees all of that, and then tashiro turns towards him and worries if hanzawa’s doing too much work. if he’s stretching himself thin, being here. if there’s anything he can do to help. and hanzawa would tell him, “you’re right, this does make me busier… but I like this kind of work.” and tashiro would know, plainly and truly, that hanzawa masato liked being around people. that he desired it, even. how embarrassing. I do think it would push hanzawa somewhere—the change he’s witnessing in tashiro and the way their relationship functions, even as they talk like normal. all of this happening in a space where there are crowds milling about and people hanzawa doesn’t know—both those from outside the school and all of the first years he has never met.

hanzawa would be sweet and sour in the way tashiro describes him [ch 33, sasaki to miyano] and it would be the same but feel different. like even the sour parts had their own kind of saccharine edge. maybe after tashiro changed back into his regular clothes, it felt strange to just leave, so he gets hanzawa to take him around his university. and maybe he meets kaede or some of hanzawa’s university friends and is reminded of hanzawa’s seventeen dual lives or however many there are at this point, and—wants. strangely. to—not even to be in every one of those spheres. but to know him better. 

it’s not like hanzawa changed much after graduation, it’s just that… tashiro is looking at him more, now. 

his class would lose the beauty contest, and tashiro would look at his sailor outfit and say, “it’s really not my color, anyways,” and hanzawa would hum in agreement. “you’re much more suited to spring greens, tashiro,” he’d say, and tashiro would huff a small laugh and say, “of course you know my favorite color,” and see if hanzawa was in a good enough mood to tell him was his favorite color was, too.

(and maybe, in the midst of all of this, tashiro is thinking about that damn water bottle he still has—the one hanzawa had told him to keep, the year before. there was something else that was being bottled here, too. sometime later they’d learn how to unscrew the cap.)