#man. i hate having unfinished projects but i dont even have the time to do RECENT things i want to do

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

updare i just went back and looked at the only fic i ever posted in the vengeful spirit series and this is so pitiful

me when i lie

[bedforddanes75]

smh back related Filth here...

this isnt good enough for me to post on ao3 have it here instead. 18+ and stuff. ok anyway dont tell me if this sucks just leave and dont ever speak again

back fic? george doesnt wanna think and matty likes georges back. no im not projecting what do you mean. warning (technically) Unfinished and bad and idk man just read and again if u dislike (and i find out about it) then DIE im comign to get you. listne to pink floyd and chiiiillll the fuck out IM SO STRESSED i hate posting so much i cant stop speaking im trying to soften the blow (no blowjobs happen) but like i dont know Girl someone get me a gun I REALLY WANT A GUN oh my god OKok ko koko kok ok kok ok ok ok ok juts GO there its'heere

He gets George laid on his front, face pressed right into the pillows and chest fighting to expand under his weight. George keeps making these quiet, almost pathetic noises, whimper-esque, and delicate, and Matty can tell he’s fighting not to grind into the mattress.

“You can make yourself feel good, darling. Go on.”

George responds immediately with the shaky movement of his hips, and a relieved moan, goosebumps rising.

There’s nothing between them now, George already stretched out and far gone, his only thoughts being of Matty and Matty and Matty and Matty. Who is Matty to deny him that pleasure? He’s in awe at how someone can be so beautiful, staring at George’s back like it’s the sun, and it might as well be, because he’s radiating heat like a fire, so desperate to be touched and to feel good that the only outlet is there. George moves his hips slowly at first, and he’s so overwhelmed he thinks he might come just from that, the friction from the sheets more than enough for him.

But he wants Matty.

Matty runs a cold finger down the length of his spine, reverent and appreciative, and George shivers, the motion pulling another quiet noise from him. It’s silent, bar their breathing, and the rustling of sheets, but Matty’s heart is beating so fast that he doesn’t even notice. George isn’t trying to speak, not trying to beg for anything, because he knows if he tries, all that’ll come out is something garbled and stupid, but he doesn’t care, because Matty isn’t making him do any of that today, he just touches and pleases and makes him feel like he’s in heaven.

It isn’t long before Matty’s leaning down over him, letting himself press against George from behind, and whispering things down his neck.

“You want me to make you come? Want me to fuck you, darling?” And George might just cry. He does want it, but he just cannot form the words. Matty doesn’t make him, but when he doesn’t make any move to get off and start properly touching George, George knows that he won’t do anything until he does. He usually forces George to speak when they do it like this, makes him blush and whine and George lets him and loves it, but this time, he’s letting George do things in his own time, pressure all gone, (except in his groin.)

He’s got his hands on George’s waist, now leaning back just to admire him, and George can’t wait any longer. He tries to speak, just the word please, but it doesn’t come out right, and he’s just so desperate that he can’t think to correct himself.

“Just let me look at you a bit, you’re so gorgeous.” Matty doesn’t sound like he’s aware of the fact he exists anymore, so wrapped up in how beautiful George is that time and space no longer accept him as a being, he is simply a conscience left to its own devices, floating around and latching onto this angelic figure beneath where he should be. “Pretty,” he breathes, “So pretty,” again. He’s still drawing lines on George with his nails, like he’s tracing the muscles and all the marks made over the years.

George tries to keep his breathing steady, content with where he is but simultaneously needing more like he needs air, like it’s his only source of life, and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He doesn’t mind, really, he’s just happy to be touched, because every contact with Matty feels better than anything he’s ever taken, and he can’t imagine feeling any better than this. There’s static in his head, only just about covering the words he needs to make Matty do anything, and he wishes it wasn’t there, but he loves it so, so much.

“Do you want me to fuck you?” Matty whispers eventually, after years and seconds and days and hours and George can’t reply. He wants it more than anything, but he’s so focussed on trying to figure out how to express that, that he can’t do it. A nod is all he can muster up, but he knows that Matty won’t let him just do that, he needs words, proper, full words. Then, there it is, “I need you to tell me, sweet. Words.”

He’s moved further down George’s body by now, and George didn’t even realise it was happening, but he’s pressing kisses to the dimples at the base of George’s spine, so he can’t complain. Not one bit.

Then, he moves drastically lower, kisses the very top of the line between his legs, just where the fat of his [ass] starts to rise, where his thighs turn from muscle to something soft, and he just leaves his face there for a while. He’s got his chin pressed into the middle of George’s thighs, and his hands still all over his back. That makes him speak.

“Please,” he manages, and Matty seems shocked at it.

“‘Please’ what? Need you to use words.”

George can’t, and he almost feels like crying, so desperate it’s making him shake, but he tries again.

All he can do is say, “You,” like a prayer, again, again, and Matty breathes something shaky in return. But he still doesn’t make any effort to move, just strokes the back of one of George’s arms. “Please, Matty.” It feels like they’re the only words he knows, now, really.

“Just need you to tell me what you want. I’ll do it, just tell me.”

Matty was always careful not to push boundaries and to be extra nice when George got like this, he wouldn’t push anyway, but he treats George like an ornament when he’s like this. George loves it. He likes being told he’s beautiful and being allowed to not think and just feel and feel and feel. It’s nice. It’s the best.

“You. Matty. Please.” Maybe they are the only words he knows, and he doesn’t care – they’re the only words that are important.

If Matty couldn’t understand it from that, he doesn’t know what he could’ve, but, that’s a useless thought, because he’s nodding against George, whispering “Okay.”

“Tell me if you want me to do anything else. Anything you want, sweet. Do anything. Squeeze my hand if you want me to stop.”

George nods.

He has to wait a while, Matty making sure he won't hurt George if he goes too fast, slicking himself up, but then Matty pushes into him gently, gripping George’s hand tightly to keep himself under control, and all of a sudden, it’s all worth it. He’s glad Matty doesn’t have a clear view of his face, then, because he’s bright red, sweating, and he just knows he looks an absolute state. But none of that matters at the moment, because Matty is inside him, and still, and he feels so good, so good, so, so, so, so, so good.

If he thought he couldn’t speak before, that was nothing. He can’t even see, completely taken by the feeling of Matty inside him and touching his back and touching his hair and touching him and touching. Matty is the embodiment of pleasure.

“Feels so good, darling,” Matty breathes, and he must’ve leant down, because George can feel his breath on the back of his neck. He blushes at the praise.

He can’t breathe properly with the pillows covering his face, but he doesn’t have the energy to move, and even the littlest of movements make him completely lose coherency, because Matty’s pressed right up against that spot, and he can’t take it.

Matty thrusts after a while, holding George’s hand and making sure he’s okay every few seconds, but when he does, George sees stars. He’s clearly holding back, because he keeps twitching inside George, and George only wishes he could speak more so he could tell Matty to do what he needs, to take as much as he wants, but, alas, he can’t, and he just settles on letting Matty do what he’s doing now.

The feel of Matty inside him is something he‘ll never get used to, it’s all consuming, feels like he’s turning into a star and becoming something otherworldly and living and dying all at the same time. He can’t word how amazing it is, like knowing he’s safe and letting Matty do whatever he needs, because he knows it’ll be good, and he trusts him.

He, eventually, does start to move properly, but only after multiple weak noises from George, desperate and pleading for anything. Matty grabs his hips, suddenly energised and no longer having the patience to be as gentle as he was, and George loves it. He’ll take whatever Matty gives with an open mouth and a chest left wide open, ribs all snapped to get inside, and this is like a knife made of solid pleasure, because there’s that tiny bit of pain, but it’s covered up by the heat that rushes all down his limbs, right down to his fingers, every single time Matty hits that spot inside him, and then everything is all okay.

Soon enough, Matty’s got his nails in the soft, weak skin of the space just below George’s v-line, digging into the flesh and wanting to claw him apart simply because it’s the only possible way to express how intense everything he’s feeling is. George lets the pain bloom and he whimpers into the bed.

“You okay?” Matty asks, and he nods, enthusiastic and truthful and just wanting more.

That’s all he needs, and he seems to lose some amount of his self control, because he starts fucking into George harder, one hand going back to his waist to keep steady, and the other going to his hair. He doesn’t pull just yet, but George wouldn’t complain if he did, taken by the pleasure. Matty’s nails are pressing slightly, and he welcomes the sting.

The sweet, soft, gentle Matty is almost fully gone now, and he’s changed back into something like what he usually is in just a few minutes, and it’s making George sick with want. He’s tightening his grip on George’s hair more and more by the minute, and by now, it’s starting to sting.

George doesn’t think anything’s going to change after that, just thinks Matty’s going to make him come like this, and he has no reason to think anything else. That is, until Matty yanks George’s head towards himself by the hair, and George can’t help the moan he lets out. It’s loud and undignified, but Matty likes it all the same, apparently, because he holds tighter, and keeps his head there for a second. George thinks he might come just from that, the feel of Matty in his hair, tugging.

Heat ripples from his scalp, and it’s not helped by Matty starting to speak. “Fucking back, so beautiful. Perfect. It’s so pretty, fuck.” He keeps speaking until he finally unthreads his fingers from George’s hair, but George can still feel the ghost of his palm. He fixes his grip properly onto his hips and waist instead.

He’s definitely digging his nails into that pale flesh, and it wouldn’t shock George if, when he moves, there’s skin left beneath them. He’s being gentler than normal, which George is grateful for, because he knows that if Matty did anything that was any more intense than pulling his hair, he’d be coming within a minute of him sinking inside.

He can feel heat building in his stomach, and, all of a sudden, he’s overly aware of the sheets rubbing against himself, hard against them, and he whimpers, eyes squeezing. Matty’s starting to stroke his hair, and ramble.

“You feel so fucking good, Jesus Christ. Fuck, George.” He’s digging his thumb into a space near one of the dimples on George’s back now, almost like he wants it to bruise so he’s got proof of it, like the proof isn’t George’s very existence.

George gets closer a lot sooner than he’d like to, but he just can’t help it, because Matty is telling him how good he feels and how well he’s doing over and over again, and there’s so much happening, like the feel of Matty hitting just where he needs every time and the feel of himself against fabric and the image of what he must look like in his head. It’s all too much. Almost.

He doesn’t realise he’s crying until Matty slows down, taps him, asks if he’s okay, and he just nods, nods like it’s keeping him alive, manages to turn his head enough to the side to say “Please, please, Matty, please,” and then his eyes roll back.

He’s so close, whining and whimpering nonsense and trying to form words to warn Matty, failing, but not caring, because he’s blinded by how good it feels, and Matty isn’t letting up, in fact, he’s fucking him harder, pulling George’s hips into his own with every thrust, determined to make him come.

It doesn’t take long before he’s right on the edge, just needing a tiny bit more, and then Matty fists a hand into his hair once more, and he’s gone. The combination of Matty fucking him so good, with the sharp pain on his scalp, is better than anything he could’ve imagined, and he cries out as he comes, over and over, moaning into the pillows and clenching his fists, begging with completely incoherent noises. Matty keeps moving for a bit, and George doesn’t have the mind to protest, nor does he want to, he’d rather lie in the afterglow and be only half aware of how overstimulated he’s becoming.

He doesn’t really notice when Matty comes, and he doesn’t notice virtually anything else for a while after, either, just lets himself be moved around as Matty tries his best to clean him, trying to manoeuvre him into some position easier to clean from, and not doing very well, because…well, the size of George.

sorry ending Shit possibly all shit but whatever i wrote most of it. enjoy life

[dollanganger-in-the-attic]

On the subject of the ghost writer... normally I'm the sort of person who likes to think that anyone should be allowed to write anything, as long as they put some care into what they're depicting if it's not their lived experience... but is it wrong that it creeps me out that this guy has spent almost 40 years writing stories about the abuse and suffering of girls and women while hiding behind the name of a dead woman?

Surely more people would get this ick from this if he was doing it under his own name and not pretending that all of this was planned by VCA in advance? (Also I get that she managed to write a lot in a short time, but I honestly don't believe that half of what he's written in her name was actually what she planned or wanted.) I don't know, I hate fact that most people don't know a lot of the VCA books are ghost written. My first introduction to VCA as a teen was the Orphan mini-series and I didn't find out that they were ghost written until the last book came out. And, compared to the prose in FitA the Orphan series is such trash. Sorry, I think I went on a wild tangent... I just get annoyed about the ghost writer...

Hey i love talking about this! So thanks for sending this ask, you and i are totally on the same page 🌸

I think to begin with, a man pretending to be disable woman in order to sell books at all is inappropriate. I mean didnt an author get in trouble for that recently? Like he purposefully chose a feminine/ambiguous penname and let people believe he was a woman in order to market his books better to women? Was is riley sager?

Oh look theres a whole article about this phenomena Why Men Pretend to be Woman to Sell Thrillers

But as you’ve said, YEAH it creeps me out the way he writes these books because unlike vca he seems to delight in the torment of these young female characters. His violence against them seems gratuitous and for shock value. There’s no empathy in it! And these are the MAIN characters whom the reader is meant to project onto. Like why do his books feel… dirty? Vca’s books felt melancholy and somber, you could tell she was writing from a place of understanding, fear and grief. Because her writing was REAL. The ghostwriter writes like he has a checklist he fills out called the “VC Andrews formula” lol

And i say this a lot but i feel the need to reiterate that i have no interest in attack this man’s character beyond his work, i dont know him or who he is outside of a writer. His family seems to love him and hes been with his wife a long time… though i will say in an interviewed they revealed he was a high school teacher and she was student at his school when they started dating 🥴 that gave me a bit or a surprise lol but it was a different time i guess

But on the topic of VCA’s unfinished books: that was all a lie. She never had any unfinished manuscripts lying around in which the ghostwriter finished. Even Garden of Shadows was entirely written by the GW. The publisher only pushed out that lie to make it easier to sell the knockoff books. And i DO like some of them, like the Landry and Cutler series. But VCA didnt have a hand in them at all. Most people still don’t know this because the publisher would prefer people just keep believing she had a closet full of 500 books they just keep pulling from lol

It bugs me too, i wish the publisher would be more honest, like at least stop putting “from the author of flowers in the attic” on ghostwritten books. Its deceptive and scummy. Thats why i try to spread the word, though i know i sound like a broken record. I just think this incredible woman, vca, deserved better.

[maddambone]

fuck man i hate hyper fixations i was thinking about something and remembered that it was something i was meaning to right about and then i started to work on it i was haveing fun with my fixation for a few minutes i was thinking about it and righting it down and then someone kept interrupting me and i wanted to be nice and not ignore them but no just trying to focus on the project and the person back and forth and it just got me over stimulated and now i am not having fun im just angry with a unfinished project i lost the hyper fixation after waiting for a long time for it to come back and now i dont even want to do the thing that i was interrupted for now i dont even want to listen to the fucking background music i was using to help me focus >:[

[missputotyra]

A Letter to MDZS’s Fandom

Dear, Anti Jiang Cheng(and Jin Guangyao) and Rabid JC Stan

Please stop Overreacting to Every postive/ Negative post about JC. I don’t care who Pounced first .I don’t care about the Canon of A novel with About 5 adaptations that everyone considers Different continuities,

1. Cause I have better stuff to read.

2. Out of Spite for the Canonmongers who are a lot of times Anti JC so I‘m really not ready to read this anymore of this novel besides looking up chapters to make stuff wasnt taken out of context with a clear mind.

3. The Translation sucks .

This isn’t about MDZS it’s about How Toxic The Anti’s and Stans are

JC Stans could You please Remember shove your headcanon back into corner when talking about Wangxian and Everything eles.

Lan Zhan was the Safest Person for Wei Wuxian to be around at the Start of Story , Jiang Cheng wanted to more than likely kill him.

Lan Zhan and Jiang Cheng basically hates each other

Lan Zhan literally had a crush Wei Wuxian since they were juniors , Lan Zhan just saw his opportunity to have chance At Getting the man he waited 13 years for he was not stealing WWX from JC.

Also not everyone whose says something negative about JC is an Anti, I’ve said Stuff saying That Criticized JC as feeling like a character whose Roles could be Filled by other Characters he’s really feels like Character MXTX Kinda left unfinished like The w hole acting like Douche bag To make JC Sacrifice seem like a Surprise could’ve been great if MXTX Didnt make JC overly Aggressive and given blink it or miss hints making it fall flat .

Antis , You guys are actually horrible and are As bad as the Stans you Criticize . Actually You don’t Criticize them at all you Guys get mad go one of Anti JC Blogs to then basically gossip about them behind thier back. You guys Support blogs that response to asks of people posting URL to peoples blog post and Don’t even post a “ dont Harass this person .” cause you Assume Your audience are a bunch of Intellectual but Thier more High schools it’s like your asking for these blogs to get harassed. It’s gets worse when you find out the Anti JC community has gripes with an Actor from the Untamed.

Second, is that Most Anti have sticks up thier ass as if liking Wangxian cause their made to be Moral ideals and Reading A BL novel is going send you to heaven. While Condemning , people who like Jiang Cheng , Jin Guangyao or Xue Yang and show that Like in way outside of “ Uwu murder Daddy toture me .”

Yes I know thier Antagonist Cause You keep shoving novel Down my throat and saying ”Hey, look, listen “

on Repeat Like Your Navi from Zelda .What do want me to do

“ Aw Yess I see the error my ways , I hate JC now .”

I don’t care if You Think Rabid JC Stans complaining about the novel is annoying . It’s Thier fault for being Delusional and not separating Canon from Fanon and Anti JC’s Fault for making it worse by Persecuting the masses none of this about JC it’s about Fanon every good analysis of Canon!JC or even Madame Yu by Anti Jiang Cheng ruined by Trying to Shit on them Out of spite for the Fanon.

Third and one that Gets me the Most Upset , Your Preset Idea of what a JC stan/fan is and Some of the disgustingly common insults in the Anti JC community .

You think that JC stan/ Fan project an Allegedly toxic personality on to JC and treat people like shit and basically instill a lot of Ableism by impling that projecting Feeling on to a Fictional man is more Toxic than projecting them on to I don’t your real life or online friends , or Your family . You think someone who made a postive statement about Jiang Cheng either can’t read or Lacks comprehension .

You call people Hypocrite for Being LGBTQ+ and liking/loving Jiang Cheng

Try an claim Soften up Fanon JC Is cause Death of the Author i.

MXTX is alive and can still disapprove fanon right away . MXTX is a normal person who wrote three BL novels series and got famous causing other Danmei Authors to surface After her. MXTX is a writer meaning we have to assume anything she says in interviews about character its Her making a gist of a characters personality meaning Her saying Jiang Cheng is a Nice Guy with terrible personality and say he’s embodies all ten Poisons don’t contradict each other she saying same thing.

Why am I writings cause I was almost pushed Away from even exploring Scum Villian Saving System and Heaven’s Offical Blessing cause MDZS Fandom gave me the wrong in impression of all MXTX’s Fandom that thier going to hate me if I like the Wrong Characters I could unknowingly screw myself. Its not bad yet but Antis and Stans need stop thinking in black and White. You have to make your minds 50 shade Gray to get the whole picture . You guys make are making Pokémon fans Seem like an antidote .

From

MissPutotyra

[a-kind-of-merry-war]

End of Year Questions for Writers and Artists

1. What project are you most proud of and why?

I feel like this goes against the spirit of the rules, as this is the fandom website for fandom things, but - it's ONITK. Hands down. Even if I wobble about "oh no it's actually terrible" I love it, and more than that I love Raff and Penn (an unreasonable, possibly concerning amount) and I can't wait for y'all to read it.

When I left uni (an age ago now) I swore I'd never write prose again. I hated it, and I wasn't writing anything, and I was miserable. Going from that to getting an actual book published is incredible (and I sincerely have everyone on here who supported my fic to thank for that. Without you 'orrible lot I would never have had enough faith in myself to write it in the first place).

2. Which project did you have the most fun making?

Well, I had a blast writing We Could Be Married, but I think the most fun project was definitely @valdomarxxx, if just for the sneaky underhandedness of it all >:3

3. Which project was the most unexpected and/or challenging and why?

Ah man, I'm gonna be That Guy again, but the most challenging? ONITK. The writing was hard, and somehow: editing is even harder. I think to say anything has been more challenging would be a big fat lie 😅

4. Which project would you like to receive more attention?

ahhh i'm pretty happy with the amount of attention everything's gotten! Ask me again in [REDACTED AMOUNT OF TIME] and my answer will probably be pretty different 😅

5. Is there a project you intended to work on but couldn’t find the time? If so, what is it?

Urgh, so many unfinished WIPs. I've got a 25k multi chapter fic that I started in 2020, and fully intended to finish this year, but never did. It'll probably end up ~50k, if I ever finish it, and just-- man. SO MANY UNPOSTED WORDS.

I also really wanted to finish My Beloved Monster, but just before I completed chapter 3 life got a Bit Much, and it's such a heavy one that picking it back up to finish it has been really difficult.

6. Have you noticed an improvement in your skill this year? Did a specific project help?

Hmm, I'd like to think my writing improves every year I do it consistently, so - yes. I'm not sure if any one specific thing really helped, just the fact that I've been writing consistently for so long!

7. If you could remake any project you’ve created this year, which one would it be and why?

I don't think there's any I'd really say I'd totally remake! I get weirdly attached to my writing, so this one is tricky to answer. Maybe go into MBM with a better plan 😅

8. What project would you like to make next year?

I'M GOING TO FINISH THAT 25k WIP. I've got a Modern AU about wildflowers and pining that I really want to finish that I'm very attached to, and a couple I said I'd write for/with people that I'd like to do.

And uh... no one has called me out on this, but I never actually posted the follower celebration fic. So watch this space for that (to celebrate the next milestone) 😅

(for real serious, and this takes priority over fic, is that I want to write ONITK Book 2, at the very least. Maybe Book 3 too. Watch this space.)

---

RIGHT-OH. Enough having feelings. I'm going to tag@dont-touch-the-phlebotinum, @rebrandedbard, @spielzeugkaiser and anyone else who wants to do it (and if you dont wanna do it, no pressure, i love you)

(sdfjks i just realised i forgot to say i was tagged by the ever-wonderful and exceptionally talented @srapsodia, thank u raps 💖)

[pigeonxp]

YGCMA songs and how they relate to c!Wilbur based off of yesterday’s lore (in my biased opinion)

This is so dumb and i literally don’t care. I can’t think about anything else other than doing this synopsis even tho like 28480329204 other people are going to do it. idc. 

(I listened to the songs earlier, and i’m also listening to them as i write the opinions. these are basically just my thoughts while listening tbh. im also not doing the full song, just some things i feel relate within each song)

- Jubilee Line

the lines at the beginning of the song, “hate to see you leaving / a fate worse than dying” could relate to how wilbur feels after tommy gets pulled back into the overworld. or, he could be referencing L’Manburg and how he hates to see his country leaving him (ouch). 

then we have the lines “your city gave me asthma / so thats why im fucking leaving / and your water gave me cancer / and the pavements hurt my feelings”. This could be in relation to L’Manburg as a whole. He put everything he had into L’Manburg and it only ended up hurting him in the end. yikes. 

now we have “shout at the wall / ‘cause the walls dont fucking love you” repeated. This could be in reference to when he said he was fucking kicking and screaming to get out of the train station. hes screaming and he doesnt care because it doesnt matter to him. it doesnt love him just like how the people of L’Manburg didnt love him. wilbur get therapy challenge.

so based on the lore from yesterday, we know that c!wilbur’s limbo was a train station (props to fanartists. i love you.), presumably the YCGMA album cover type deal. when he sings “Theres a reason / that London puts barriers on the tube line / theres a reason / that London puts barriers on the rails” repeated. if the train station looks like how they do on the album cover, there could be barriers where he is. maybe hes trying his best to just kill himself over again by jumping onto the tracks. just in an attempt to escape. jfc 

“theres a reason they fail”. he was still in the train station, wasnt he?

- Saline Solution

for this one, i feel like hes pretty far into the void and regretting his decision to have phil kill him. hes tired of being in a fucking train station for years on end. 

“i think this time im dying / im not melodramatic / im just pragmatic beyond any / reasoning for thinking ive got / fuckin rabies or something.” hes so fucking sick of being in this goddamn train station and he thinks hes dying. hes so pent up and sick of being there, maybe hes just in so much pain that he feels like hes dying. if hes been there for a while, hes probably bound to go crazy at some point, hence the “pragmatic beyond any reasoning.”

“I think ive lost my mind / blurring the fact and the fictions” this feels like he really does believe hes going crazy and is mixing up the things he really knows and the things his mind is creating for him. maybe this is when tommy first arrived and he cant tell if he real or not (thats a stretch but i figured id share it anyway.)

“I think ive made my choice / im a deceased playing victim / slip the face, slip the victory” he quite literally says that hes a deceased playing victim. hes literally saying hes dead HAHHAHAH anyway. maybe hes blaming himself again, because us c!wilbur apologists all know that hes very good at doing that.

“Sit secluded in hatred /.../” hes sitting in a fucking train station for god knows how long beating himself up over and over again and just hating himself. hes all alone. with himself. someone he fucking loathes.

this is honestly all i have for Saline Solution, but i will definitely add more later if i get different theories. 

- Since I Saw Vienna

This is my favorite song on the album and my comfort song so that could factor into this bit ahaha

im going to skip through this one a little bit and go to the line “The roads are my home, horizons my target / if i keep on moving, never lose sight of it / treating my memory of you like a fire, let it / burn out, don’t fight it, try to move on” this sounds like hes reminiscing on his home in L’Manburg and his presidency was something he relied on and he would fight to get it back, but now that hes dead and said that it should remain that way that he should just let it go. trying to move on from his symphony, forever unfinished. 

 “its been sixty weeks since i saw vienna / a bandage and a wide smile slapped across my face / ill pick up my hiking boots when i am ready / and ill put down my roots when im dead.” THESE LINES FUCK ME UP IN GENERAL BUT HOW THEY RELATE TO C!WILBUR RN IS JUST SUIBHYSBUSHDXNSKJDNHBD YK???? in the context that vienna is L’Manburg and he died, its saying that its been a long ass time since hes seen it and hes faking being okay about his death. he misses it but doesnt want to admit it. the picking up the hiking boots when hes ready is him moving on from his L’Manburg, and putting his roots down when hes dead is finally being okay with not living there/being an important part of it. he believed his death was the best for the people in L’Manburg and L’Manburg itself. it seems like hes still trying to convince himself. 

“Ill be gone then, for when you must be alone.” hes gone. hes dead. hes in the train station. he left the L’Manburgians alone and hes alone in his limbo. man. 

- Losing Face

this song is angry. hes so fucking angry. my thoughts are that this is about the following presidents after him. he feels like the L’Manburgians were happier without him and im pretty sure he believed that even when Schlatt was president. this is so evident in the lyric “Is he better than me?” Hes literally asking if the other presidents were better than he was. he doesnt believe he did everything he could to be the best president, even though we all know that he gave everything that he was into that country and then some. he broke himself for the L’Manburg but he doesnt believe hes enough. sheesh.

“Ive seen him / ive been him / ive felt the same way” even though he cant see the new presidents being president, he knows what its like. he knows that they might break under the pressure. hes been there. he knows how if feels. yikes. 

“Ive lost all meaning / ive lost my sense of hope” this feels like when he was nearing the end of L’Manburg when he blew it up, and that he feels like trying to win it back is pointless. he has no hope for it anymore, so why not give up? his mental state is already shit yk so i cant really blame him for feeling that way. 

“i dont care / i want you here / as long as youre happy, i dont care” this line. this fucking line. hes lost hope in being president, but he doesnt care. he just wants the L’Manburgians to be happy. that was his whole thought process while he was president. he didnt matter to himself, he just wanted them to be happy. he sacrificed his mental state for them. cries in wilbur apologist.

- Your Sister Was Right

this is my second favorite song on the album i think HAHAHAH

anyway

“I use everyone i ever meet / i cant find the perfect match / abuse those i love / while i ostracize the ones who love me / back.” wowie wow wow fucking ouchie. He feels like he uses his friends. this whole thing is a projection of his shit ass mental state rn fucking hell. he feels like hes abusive. thats what everyones been telling him. they tell him he was awful and a shit president and all that jazz even though hes been killing himself trying to be the best for them but its still not enough (pigeon projecting? more likely than you think)

“every time that i miss you / i feel the way you hurt / and i dont deserve you / you deserve the world / though it feels like we were built / from the same dirt.” man. hes dead lol. he misses the L’Manburgians. not only were they his supporters, but they were all his friends too. every time he misses his friends he feels their pain of when he first blew up L’Manburg. he feels like because he caused them all pain that they dont like him and that they never liked him and that he is undeserving of their friendship. he still wants to be friends with them. he still loves them. he still wants the best for them. he thinks theyre so much better than him even though they all created L’Manburg together. in reality they are all the same, but their actions impact each other and he feels that his actions make him worse than them or less than. fuckisonmdfnpbhife

“and i hate to say it / but your sister was right / dont trust english boys / with far too much free time” sister is dream mayhaps. fuckngeionsfjg that hurt sorry uhhh anyway yeah sister is dream?? he did say that wilbur would be a shit president and he believes that hes a shit president so he thinks they were all right about him being a shit president  fbhjebinfnejg. maybe sister is just everyone who didnt believe in wilbur. man....

“a fucking waste of time” do i even need to explain this one? he fr doesnt belive hes worth it anymore and that hes literally a waste of time. hjkfbhnfve

- La Jolla

this one feels pretty far into train station limbo to me as well. namely from “and im lonely / there i said it” this could either be him being lonely as president and feeling like he doesnt have anyone to talk to really because hes too busy trying to hold himself together for everyone. either that or hes lonely in the station and didnt want to admit it because this is what he wanted. he wanted to die. he wanted to be dead because he believed thats what everyone else wanted and he just wanted the best for them. 

“i could go away / i could pack my things and be gone before you wake” he could leave if they asked him to. he would do anything for them. 

“you know ive tried hard to love me too / it always seems to fall in, through” this line already physically pained me but now it hurts even more having to relate it to a character i love. we already know that his mental state was declining as his presidency continued, but this would confirm that hes just trying to love himself even though he can never seem to get it right. 

“my own personal sunset” this is just the ‘this is my sunrise’ line but different. my man misses the sun. fuck. 

- I’m Sorry Boris

this song is almost definitely from a long ass time in the limbo. 

“and im sorry / but, boris / im leaving / im not good for anyone here” boris represents L’Manburgians!! hes talking about how hes leaving the world by planning on killing himself. fuck. 

“we reached the end of a decade” mans been dead for a decade. sheesh. 

he then goes on to say that he cant believe hes leaving, he doesnt think he wants to leave them, but he thinks its whats best for them.

he talks about how they do all of these bullshit things before helping you and i know its in reference to london but for the sake of my sanity its about the presidency role and how it will fuck you up before bothering to help you not want to kill yourself.  

should i do a separate post about how i visualized it/about how i thought about the song in paragraph form like a lowkey explanation? idk how to explain it but in this one i wanted to just cover some of the lyrics of the songs and my thoughts on them. i think c!wilbur wrote these in the limbo after he died. i know this is also shit and Not Good, but i really just needed to get my thoughts out before it killed me. i also didnt reread this. its probably repetitive and shit yk. i do Not Care. id also love to hear thoughts on this if yall want to. if you made it this far i love you please hydrate and eat today and youre so sexy ahaha 

“and even though im finished / im not quite done with it” even though hes finishing his symphony by blowing it up, hes now realizing he wished he hadnt blown it up and that he hadnt killed himself. man. 

-

[fictionfixations]

Writing From Experience except i get really personal

so.

ive met the concept of.. writing based off of experiences or things youve done

like uh, theres this fic im reading where theres two camp counselors in a summer camp

and the writer went to summer camp

ww

I could try? i dunno its an idea, but I have fuckin 4+ docs of unfinished works and oneshots that I still gotta do but I dont have the motivation????

but the thing is is that nothing ive done is book worthy- it is not chobblesome

I mean, I dont do anything.. I play games all day and stay inside???

Uh. I've been to a wedding but it was boring and I don't remember what happened

I've gone out of state before and plan to go out of country (except I've been procrastinating for years) but I dont remember anything about it

I mean. I've been in foster care before ? People write a lot of foster care stories and like.. I mean I somewhat remember what it was like, but it was only for a few days and I only went to one home before eventually coming back to my actual home with my parents n stuff ? it was kinda a situation that I actually didn't understand or comprehend because I was pretty young but now I kind of do? It was kinda a little more serious then I thought as little kid me..? (uh.. the police got involved and it was a huge fucking mess. I got to be in a police car tho and they bought me mcdonalds so that was fun.)

There wasn't.. anything interesting that happened there. It would be boring. Bro so many foster care fics are about the teen and I'm just sat here with my POV of the child u-u

i mean though... sure.. children are kinda dumb, i wont sugarcoat it

itd probably get annoying fast

uhm. the only other thing i guess would be interesting is.. well nothing really, its just that I have a shit load of trauma packed into me that would make a bad and very triggering fic

TW: Mention of gr00ming, miNOr aaAaAAA mention of the act of kermit sewer slide sobs

um. it doesnt really affect me anymore because I've just kinda gotten used to it, but so. grooming. woo pair that with manipulation

hold on let me just find a character and traumatize the fuck out of them haha wooo does that count as dead dove do not eat? if i .. do a really dark fic where a character goes through ..what i did, except i just overdramatize it a little bit and exaggerate a lot to the best of my ability (i still have DMs of that time lmao but I don't think I can ever get used to those, it kinda makes me very uncomfortable.)

would it even be readable? I dont fucking know

The thing is is that everyone thinks that minor/minor sexually is fucking wrong

and I'd agree

but then I can't really ventfic lmao imagine I get hate for doing minor/minor even though its a fucking ventfic where I project onto characters -

lMAOOOO also probably really cursed

but then so id have to do it to an adult.. ?

bro which fandoms am i in that have a toxic relationship that i can write?

like nONe

unless i made one up??

bro sobs

actually i think the guilt tripping ive gone through has been done before in a disc duo but its like 'but arent we friends' or some shit like that in somewhere?? idk

would you guys be okay if i did a ship fic? i dont i cant do OCs man

but i dont know if ill even do it its just thought.

bro the toxic thing that comes to mind is dream and wilbur because dream being a manipulative piece of shit while wilbur is one of like the only characters i can and am comfortable writing the POV of besides the MINORS and then theres hermitcraft with its really healthy community sobs

i dont think wilburs boundaries are even comfortable with nsfw??

bro i dont even know if i can write anything sexual, ive never done it before

id probably write it as anonymous but not dream and wilbur?? id ont fucking know

how do i ventfic if i dont have a people

i mean jschlatt and quackity- is that pumpkin duo? id ont fucking know

they're... toxic..?? ive never written either jschlatt or quackity but you know the deal, jschlatt would probably be the user and quackity the victim.

oh fuck why can i just imagine it i can see it. (why does it work?)

fuck

agh

im.. probably going to have to reference back to the DMs to remember how things went and trigger the shit out of myself

my mental health boutta go to shit haha

anyway im gonna just... if i ever write it i'll try to put it on anonymous

i dont know

my first anonymous fic woo. and kinda trauma dump ig

i dont wanna be shamed for like

i dunno.

beIng a SLUT hAHAH -

oh i think i reached uncomfortable territory for me.

i think though that

it would probably be a dead dove

honestly thinking about it

trying to write minor on minor makes me feel sick

thats funny

guess adult on adult it is .

thats not really any better

also i dont know quackity or jschlatts boundaries sobs

do i just not do sexual shit? i dont fucking know

nevermind their boundaries arent really comfortable with that sobs

quackitys fine with fanfic but jschlatt i dont think it issss ??? GUYS HOW DO I DO VENTFIC WITHOUT INTRUDING ON A BOUNDARY

and i just

bro theres like no other character im comfortable with writing

do i really want to say 'fuck it' and just do it anyway? well no not really???

how do i find characters i can project onto but not ocs because i cant do that (ocs wont help me, honestly the thought is just worse in my head aaAa)

sobs.

[sunnybimbo]

get to know the author

got tagged by mfin @grassepi like 10 days ago to do this!!!!!! /dab/

long ass post under the cut

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

i explain this so often man its a trip. ‘jam’ came from simlish in the sims 3 because of that one voice line that’s like ‘jambabedo?’. i had changed my name to that on skype but when i was VCing with @namerine she could only see ‘jam’ and it kinda just stuck. speaking of: the ‘dingus’ part also came from her so literally this name is all because of her and i love her *fingerguns*

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos).

by FAR my most popular fic is my collection of sickfics: In Sickness and Health

the only thing that it got beat in was comments from Close to the Heart, but that’s mostly just because it had so many mfin chapters

3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

b a b y y o s h i

i literally cant remember how i found this picture or why i chose it as my icon but its my Brand now. yoshi jamthedingus is me

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

i literally have so many. there’s @space-peachx, @bears-again, @narwhalsarefalling, @ravenssama, and @miishiiwrites (for some reason it wasnt letting me tag ur main asldhasd) plus a SHIT ton of anon commentors who i love just as dearly!!! i have a lot more but these are the most common commenters and i love them sm i could literally die.

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

there are like three fics like that and ofc im gonna list them all

hands down the fic i’ve reread the MOST in the shortest period of time is Sunset in Reverse by @demenior (who i cannot tag for some reason but i hope they know that i love their fic dearly)

there’s this i n c r e d i b l e sickfic by @bosstoaster that i just adore called Drown Out Your Mind that just breaks my heart all types of ways

and there’s this OTHER fic that also fucks me up called strength of the small by @nowweareunstoppable in which pidge is bad ass and also gets fucked up and i literally rec it to all my friends i love it so much

(also a special shoutout to been @velkynkarma‘s Whisper in the Dark. whenever i have the need for a good creepin’ out i LOVE to revisit this one because like... just the description of the Final Boss (tm) alone is enough to give me the willies)

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

oof

i have 449 bookmarks from like atleast 10 different fandoms, and about 411 fics i’m subscribed to, give or take a couple because Math. most of them are completed though, but i don’t go through and take them off because i’m a lazy hoe 

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

well i just looked up my ao3 and it says i have the most in ‘Alternate Universe - Video Game World’ asjdhsaldhsja aka my mmo au. but technically i think the au i write the most is Modern bc i’m but a simple farmer with a limited mindscape

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

i have 22 user subscriptions vs 199 work subscriptions + 383 bookmarks in total. nice nice nice

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

probably something with a more serious tone (compared to the fluffy wuffy fics i write) like, for example, fatphobia, suicide, and literally just conflict in general. i always feel like im trivializing all of it no matter how hard i try so i just... Give Up because i dont want the backlash ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

i really want to get better at writing conflicts, as stated above lajhdlsadhls. but also i want to be better at planning out stories because i usually give up near the 3/4ths point of literally every multi-chaptered thing i’ve written

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

definitely rarepairs. voltron is like the biggest fandom i’ve ever been in and my biggest ships are all hunk ships, and all of those are rarepairs OTL

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

35!

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

ignoring the fics i’ve completed and posted on ao3, i have about 52. including the above equals 87!!! m a t h

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

i try to write them down but if i write down the thingy i really want to focus on in the fic then i won’t want to write it anymore because it’s out of my head. OTL its a complicated process.

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

literally never in my life. 

16. How did you discover AO3?

definitely tumblr. i was in the dragon age fandom and there was this fic called The Little Kadan which had fem!inquisitor/iron bull + a baby so like i was all over that asap. i’m too shy to tag the author but u can find them on tumblr at sickly-writes ,,,,,,

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?

nah not at all. i’m pretty Niche

(i.e. if you love shunk and/or heith + cuddling, i’m your gal. but anything else is pretty rare OTL)

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

not in the SLIGHTEST. i call them all babes in my head bc i love them tho

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

i don’t know this @fenri personally but i love their writing so much. i admire their style a WHOLE TON and i think i may have sort of modeled my own after theirs? 

like i’m just thinking about it now but it’s definitely after i reread their fic (*ahem ahem* Like Crystal Guts) for about the fifth time that i started my whole ‘prose-y’ writing, which is very very recent aldjhsal

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

be confident in ur writing! if someone says they don’t like it, your work just isnt for them. just because one single person doesn’t like it doesn’t mean its bad!

r e r e a d what you wrote! i use fromtexttospeech.com to catch like... sentence structure/grammatical errors when my eyes are too tired and i find it helps a lot!

if you find a story you like, try figuring out w h y you like it so much. characterization? the way they describe things? because they use sentence structure you haven’t seen before? and then use that new knowledge to try to make your own writing style your favorite *fingerguns* 

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

i only started plotting fics since last november, which was when i participated in my first nanowrimo. i don’t plot for every single story, but if i’m lost or i want to expand a little, i slap down a bunch of ideas in an empty google doc and go from there! 

generally by then i’ve already written atleast a little bit, though.

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

i can’t even remember what it says exactly now since i deleted the fic after, but someone said my characterization was bad in a super old inuyasha fic. little like... 12 year old me was so sad ;w; 

i don’t think i’ve ever gotten a bad comment after that, though? which is NICE

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

DEFINITELY any action scene. i can’t make them long or drawn out or else i’ll just be struggling and sweating and generally craving death. i think i just need practice but o o o o f

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

i have a few hot n spicy prompts i need to finish that i probably won’t get to until next year salhdjsa

plus a few christmas presents! 

and also my pirate au, Wander, which only has maybe 2 chapters left before its complete!

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

*sweats loudly*

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

not in the slightest. generally, if i’m in a writing sprint or something, i’ll try to get over a 1000 for whatever it is, but that’s for the total and not for the session. 

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

definitely! even though i’m still shy, im a lot more open to constructive criticism (if it doesn’t come after my soul ;w;). I’m also getting better at being more descriptive, which is something i’ve always wanted! 

28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written?

i have two. don’t make me choose

the first is technically cheating because it’s part of a series, and the series is my favorite BUT I DIGRESS. The Witch and the Mage (which is... one of my less imaginative names) is an MMO AU in which shiro and hunk are in love and also i have a vague plot outlined somewhere in my drive that’s pretty wild if i do say so myself. i may never write it but its there and its my favorite and i love the imagery i used in it.

the SECOND is a heith cuddle fic, because that’s basically my brand as a writer. it’s called home and i wrote it when i was very tired and couldn’t get to sleep. i may have been craving human contact? who knows in this economy. even though i see a number of things i wish i could fix about it, it’s just very self-indulgent in more than one way and its very dear to my heart. 

29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written?

most of the fics i wrote earlier on are pretty bad imo, but i think the ones i hate the most are part of my You Are Beautiful series. it’s grossly out of character (mostly in keith’s case) but it was the first thing i’d written in about four years and i was so proud of it. so it has to stay up for posterity, tbh.

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

i really hope to still be writing by then. maybe with my own personal book in its planning stages atleast???  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) gotta be optimistic!!

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

dialogue? also describing rooms. i love just... randomly popping out something that describes the placement of a couch in relation to a door. 

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

i always always always get distracted when i’m trying to write. if i’m in the zone, someone in my family is definitely gonna try to get my attention. it’s sort of become habit for me to just interrupt myself first so that i won’t lose whatever train of thought i had LMAO

33. Why do you write?

i like the way my words sound when i string them together in the right (write... *badum ts*) way. it makes me Feel Good (tm). 

also i love giving characters (that mean something to me) attention, because it’s like i’m giving MYSELF attention. a two-for-one!

Tagging:

@sleepyhunk, @narwhalsarefalling, @space-peachx, @sammythemattressthief, @bears-again, @kurosakiami01, @maternalcube, @ace-pidge, @darlingmuses

+  if anyone i tagged earlier would like to, i would literally be honored if you would do this! but no pressure, ever <3

[imaginecrowleyspn]

Until We Meet Again

Characters: Sebastian Roche, Jim Beaver, Ziggy the dog, Reader

Pairing(s): Sebastian x Reader

Word Count: 1,361

Warnings: HEARTACHE AND UNBELIEVABLE SADNESS!!!!! GUARD YOUR HEARTS!!!!

A/N: I am back and better than ever! I whipped this up the other night, and have just been waiting on the husband to let me have the laptop. So grab the tissues and a stone-hearted friend!

(GIF is not mine!)

Sebastian groaned as he woke  up on the couch. It had been three months. Three months since his life had been shattered. Three months since he had been able to function on a normal level.

Three months since he had buried you.

He sighed, cracking his eyes open to see Ziggy staring at him. “What is it, girl? Been waiting on me to wake up?” The dog whined and set her head on his chest.

She missed you too, and he wasn’t sure what he could do to fix it.

He grumbled and got up, realizing just how bad off he was. He hadn’t stepped foot in the bedroom since the day you had died. He had become frozen in that one moment in time, and he knew there was only one way to put an end to it.

besides, all the clean clothes were in the bedroom the two of you shared.

He bit his lip, suddenly aware of how quiet the house was. You weren’t in the kitchen, humming and dancing as you fixed breakfast. The tv wasn’t turned to Netflix or Hulu with some show absentmindedly playing It was just too quiet, and he hated it.

His feet carried him to the stairs, and before he knew it, he was face to face with the door. Half of him wanted to turn and just wash clothes so he’d have something to wear, but he knew better. He had to face this, no matter how badly he didn’t want to.

He took a deep breath and pushed the door open.

The emotions hit him like a truck, nearly bringing him to his knees. Your presence filled the room, more than anywhere else in the house. He could see the numerous hats you had started for charity, the many pairs of socks you had knit, mostly for him.

Why did he tease you so much when you were alive?

His eyes landed on the project next to the bed. You had started it for him shortly after the bombings in Paris. A blanket done to look like the French flag. He had rolled his eyes and said you’d use any excuse to start another project.

Now they’d all go unfinished.

He sat on the bed and gently picked up the unfinished blanket. His hands shook as he lifted it to his nose. The wool held a small amount of your perfume, and he closed his eyes tightly. You had made so many things for him, but the one you were most excited about was the one you never got to finish.

And he hated himself for not showing his appreciation for you.

He tried to hold back the sobs, even though the tears were already falling. He needed you. He never knew it until the night the police showed up at the door, but he needed you. And it was too late for him to do anything about it.

For less than twenty dollars, a man had shot you, shattering Sebastian’s world.

He took a deep breath, winding the brightly colored scarf tighter around his neck. Four months had now went by, and each day, he wore a piece of you. Today, the day of his first con since before your death, he had picked the absurdly green scarf.

And he knew the questions would center around it.

He’d keep it vague. The fans never knew of your role in his life. They never needed to. And he’d keep it that way. Let them cook up theories. Chances are, they’d never quite hit the mark. And he was okay with that.

Rich gestured to him, and he grinned before striding onto the stage.

The crowd cheered loudly, and at least half the crowd stood. He couldn’t ask for better fans. They had understood, sent condolences even though they didn’t know details. All he had told them was that a “dear friend” had passed.

Jim stepped on from the other side, raising an eyebrow at him. Sebastian nodded, despite the fact that his stomach was in knots.

He had to do this. For you.

“Bonjour, Chicago,” he greeted, and the crowd only grew louder. “How are you today?”

“Welcome back, Sebastian,” a voice called from the back, and he laughed softly, feeling at ease almost immediately. He sat, and he was certain the multi colored socks he was wearing- a pair you had knit for him- were showing.

He could almost smell your perfume again, as if you were right beside him.

“What’s with the scarf and socks?”

Jim started to answer, but the Frenchman stopped him. He had anticipated this, and knew he’d have to face it sooner or later.

“As most of you know,” he began, still trying to remain upbeat, “I lost a dear friend not too long ago.” The crowd all nodded, a hum of sympathy settling over them. “They were knitters, and I kept a few things for myself. A way to remember them and carry a piece of them with me wherever I go. Plus the stuff is warm, and it is cold here!”

The crowd laughed, and he managed to get through the rest of the panel. Most of the questions were for Jim, thankfully, and he let his mind wander. He should have went public with the relationship. He should have asked you to join him at cons. So many things he should have done, but now would never get the chance.

All too soon, his part in the con was over for the day.

He wound the scarf tighter as he stepped outside. He needed to be alone, to remember you. And as insane as it sounded, to talk with you. The day had taken a lot out of him, and he just needed to indulge in the delusion that you were still alive.

He just needed to finally mourn for you.

He took a deep, shaky breath as he walked towards the hotel. Would it ever get easier? Would the pain subside, or would it become a constant in his life? If he had known how short his time with you would have been, he would have done all the things he was now wishing he could do.

“Hey, mon cherie,” he murmured to himself. “I made it through the con. At least for today. The fans were curious about where the scarf and socks came from, but I kept it vague. Just like you would have wanted.”

Silence, and he wasn’t sure if that was worse than if he had heard your voice.

“I wore the green scarf today. The merino one that I swore would never go with any outfit. I should have worn it ages ago instead of being such a jerk to you. I should have done it to show just how much you mean to me. Still mean to me.”

A group of girls stumbled from a bar as he neared, and he nearly broke down as he noticed one of them. She looked just like you.

“I even wore the multi colored socks you made,” he continued once he was alone again. “They’re more comfortable, just like you said they’d be. And warmer, too. You tried to tell me, but my damn pride wouldn’t listen.”

Tears formed in his eyes, and he finally faced the heartache he had been avoiding.

“I miss you. So much, mon amour. I should have told you I loved you more. I should have held you tighter. I should have been home more often. I should have shouted my love from the highest rooftop and told the world how lucky I was. And now... I can barely function without seeing your face in every crowd. You were- are- my world. My everything. And I will never forgive myself for not being by your side that night.”

He wiped the tears away as the hotel came into view. He still had a long road ahead of him, and he knew more nights like this were in his future.

“Just wait for me there, mon ange. And know that you’re always in my heart, my soul, my thoughts. Until we meet again...”

@lucifer-in-leather @supernatural-stuff-of-course @supernatural-everyday @dont-hate-relate-pls @pancakebunny

[pixelpoppers]

Multitaskers and Focusers

I've written a few times about the idea that a lot of debates about game design actually come down to poorly-understood differences in how our brains are actually wired. I think I've found another example.

Games often ask the player to context-switch - to go from one type of task to another with different relevant considerations. But there's a difference between context-switching because you finished a task and doing so because you were interrupted.

Suppose you're playing a dungeon crawler or looter shooter or something where you fight your way through a dungeon and return to town to sort/sell/upgrade the loot you earn. These are different experiences - combat and exploration, followed by upkeep and optimization. They require you to focus on different things. Which parts of the dungeon you've explored and how much ammo and health you have left matter a lot in the dungeon, but back in town you're concerned more with stats and currency.

If you finish the dungeon and then go back to town to sell, you can safely stop thinking about the dungeon's concerns. They need no longer take up any mental resources. But if you are partway through the dungeon and then need to return to town because your inventory is full, you aren't done worrying about which parts of the dungeon you've explored and how many enemies remain. You can't forget about those things even as you must start focusing on equipment and currency instead for a while. They're just temporarily on hold, like a mental equivalent of leaving a bunch of browser tabs open as you switch to something else as opposed to finishing a project and closing them all.

For some players (whom I shall tentatively call "multitaskers") this is fine. For others (tentatively "focusers") this can be deeply unpleasant. A focuser doesn't like holding context in background memory. It's difficult and distracting.

This is why when Torchlight adds the ability for you to send your pet back to town to sell things without having to leave the dungeon yourself like you have to in Diablo, some players love that this keeps you in the action while others lament that this disrupts pacing and removes breaks. If leaving the action means you're preoccupied with an unfinished task the whole time, it's not much of a break at all!

I am a focuser, and much like the fact that I am a completionist this has a significant effect on how I feel about certain game design choices. In fact, I think they're connected - there's a lot of overlap here with my claim that completionists feel anxiety about tracking long-term objectives. Both a focuser and a completionist as I've described them want things like a quest log or map icons to keep track of those objectives so that the player doesn't have to keep them in background memory - if that task can be offloaded because it's written down somewhere and automatically updated, then the player doesn't have to spend continual mental resources on it. They can close the mental browser tabs.

As implied above, I think this is also a big part of why I dislike inventory limits that interrupt you with sudden mandatory inventory management, which has turned me off several games over the years.

And it's likely also connected to my general dislike of punishment, particularly of the "you died on the boss so replay the level" variety. I want to immediately retry whatever it was I failed on, because holding the details of that challenge in my head while I fight my way back through other challenges is frustrating and unpleasant. The need to do so has also turned me off of a number of games over the years.