#man the holidays went by so fast. I wish they were longer lol | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

szopenhauer · 4 years ago

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If someone has bad breath, do you tell him or her? doubtful, I don’t wanna hurt anyone, it’s awkward and a lot of ppl can’t change how they smell

Do you have an item that comforts you when you are sad/scared? used to have one special object, I still hold it sometimes, I suppose I might again at night from Friday to Saturday

When are you likely to hide your emotions? when I’m face to face with an authority figure like boss, teacher or doctor, policeman too but I never been in a situation like this with them, I also hide my emotions from abusers at times to not show I’m afraid of them and to not provoke them more as well

Which is scarier: Dying of thirst or of starvation? I guess starvation as it takes longer

Have you ever tried to help someone quit smoking? it’s their decision to smoke, I don’t approve but I won’t get involved, I can only avoid them

Have you ever had to talk anyone out of suicide? self harm more likely, I mean... I was talking with suicidal people about them wanting to kill themselves but never at the moment when they were doing it so I don’t know if that counts

When you think of tomorrow, what feelings come to mind? packing, last day with my parents before I go to the hospital

What is the last thing you complained about? probably health related issues

What was the last curse-word you said? kurwa

When you fake sick to get out of school, what do you say or do to convince your parents that you are sick? I don’t fake sick, I might exaggerate but I won’t lie, I don’t want to worry my parents and because I’m chronicall ill I often was going to school even though I didn’t felt like it

Do you still talk to your very first best friend? no

When was the last time something went terribly wrong? basically everything goes wrong

How do you console someone when he or she is upset? depends

Choose one: Trip to outerspace, or trip underneath the oceans? no thx

How often do you feel overwhelmed? all the damn time

How do you deal with everyday life? poorly

Who in your family do you act like the most? my dad

What is the most romantically sweet thing someone has done for you? my gf is doing many sweet things

Have you ever been confronted by a mall cop for your behavior? I’ve never been confronted by the store guard - elseway I would never go back there out of anxiety

Is there someone that makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells? my mom

Were you ever afraid of one of your past teachers? sorta XD

Have you ever been in a physical fight on school grounds? I was attacked but I didn’t fight back so...

A homeless man asks you for 50 cents; how do you respond? dunno

When was the last time you visited a thrift store? recently

Can you handle constructive criticism? I can’t handle any criticism :(

Who is the most sensitive person that you know? me?...

When was the last time you wrote someone a note? few days ago

Do you tell your parents before you go somewhere, or just leave? I always tell

What was the last thing you tried to get out of doing? not sure what was last hmm...

Which season do you dread the most? winter

Is there a foreign culture you’d like to learn more about? maybe

Have you ever seen a famous painting and thought “I could have done that?” abstract art

What is the scariest thing about attending your school? which one?

Are you a good judge of other people’s intentions? I got better with time

Shopping: best with friends, parents, bf/gf, or alone? depends

When was the last time someone told you to turn your music down? my mother sometimes asks me to because she has migraines

When you don’t know how to spell a word, do you look it up? not always *ashamed*

Are you one to spend a lot of time in the bathroom? nope but I’m the one that often goes to the bathroom

Do you ever consider the challenges other races go through? sure

When was the last time you doubted your abilities? I have... abilities? :o

What was the last thing you wished for? health... not gonna happen tho :(

How many times a day, on average, do you look at the time? several, when I wake up then when I eat and between meals and then when I go to sleep and in the middle of the night if I go to pee

Where do you first remember living? I never moved

First fandom? woah I don’t remember

First otp/ship? neither

How old were you when you first when on a plane? -

What was your first tattoo? -

Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? show - She-ra, movie - A lot like love

Did you lose your virginity before you were sixteen? nooo

How many purses do you own? too many lol Are you bi? am not Who was your prom date? I never had one, I didn’t go to prom

Who was the last person to see you cry? parent[s]

Have you ever been used? yep

Do you like when girl takes you by surprise and kisses you? I like consent but... those were the best kisses ^^’’

Have you ever gone for someone despite knowing they were bad for you? I didn’t think about the future nor that I deserve love What kind of gift can win you over? what do you mean by WIN ME OVER? Are diamonds really a girls best friend? not mine, I don’t care for diamonds

Have you ever dated someone with a child? no way Have you ever dated someone shorter than you? Sarah was shorter

Who has made the biggest sacrifice for you? my parents and my current partner

What sound is annoying you right now? it’s quiet :3

What gives you a peaceful feeling? sleep?

Would you rather live in the city, suburbs or the country? country

Are you more of a maker and giver, or a taker and user? taker and user I suppose

Do you buy holiday gifts early or at the last minute? early

If someone else were to describe you what would you hope they would say? the truth

Do you think it is harder for a parent to outlive their child or for the child to outlive their parent? parent to outlive the child because it’s not common

When do you do your best thinking? evening/night

What was a choice that you didn’t want to make but you had to? majority of decisions are smth I’d prefer not to make

What age do you think it is most difficult to be? to each their own

Do you think you could handle a day in jail? who knows

Have you ever been on a trampoline? I have not

Do you pretend to be something you’re not to make friends? I’m being myself and that’s why I’m friendless :P

Are you more of a shy or outgoing person? I’m introverted antisocial and a loner but I’m not shy, I can be loud and talkative

Are you more of an athlete or artist? artist Are you the type to procrastinate? I put PRO in procrastination Do you believe that you’ll always be a kid at heart? ;) What is something you want to improve on this year? health, I’m trying How many times a day do you get angry? uh oh... If you could eat any food you want right now, what would it be? personal Can you sleep with your eyes open? I’m no Gandalf

Do you still have any living grandparents? If so, how old are they? I don’t wanna talk about that

What’s your favorite computer game genre? simulations Do you have any exes your parents never liked? pfft Do you ever keep things just because they might be useful someday? we are hoarders

Are you frequently in a bad mood? sorry... Do you ever fill out surveys while in a bad mood? I go through soooo many moods before I finish one survey Are you a fast or a slow eater? slowest among my friends, fastest in my house How old were you when you had your first relationship? no idea what I should call a relationship and what not Do you get dental checkups at least once a year? yup Is there anyone in your family/household whom you frequently argue with? mom, sister before she moved out Have you ever used chewing tobacco? tha hell? that’s disgusting!

Do you play Pokemon Go? If so, what level are you and who’s your buddy? not applicable Do you ever sit indoors and wear sunglasses or a hat? hat Are you putting off doing something right now? If so, what is it? drying my hair, drinking water and going to sleep mostly

Are you like me and hoard notebooks and pens? pens now, I stopped buying notebooks... oh wait... no... I just got one because I wanted to save bees, nvm... Are you sitting in front of or by a window? What can you see out there? by, it’s dark but there’s my neighbor’s house Are there any coasters on your table? If so, do they have text or pictures? flowers Do you have a song playing in your head right now, too? not really Don’t you hate it when people answer to surveys with one word answers? lame *I realized I did that myself *facepalm* Ever watched a cat or a dog sleep and run/twitch in their sleep? adorable <3 What’s something we do every day but they don’t depict in movies? it bothers me that in fantasy/sci-fi movies there are no toilets and meals are rare

Is your style feminine, masculine or somewhere in the middle? in the middle, childish yet of an old person haha Do you usually carry a backpack, a shoulder bag or something else? shoulder bag or tote Do you wear glasses? If so, have you ever tried to fix them when they’ve broken? helped my dad fix his glasses couple of times Are there a lot of dragonflies around your house? they don’t show up frequently

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squirrel-moose-winchester · 6 years ago

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Chapter 16

Pairing: Dean x Reader AU

Word Count: 2323

Summary: With October ending and the holidays underway, that only meant one thing for Dean Winchester. It meant returning to his childhood home and spending time with his family. It meant listening to his parents, especially his mom, ramble on and on about when he was going to find himself a nice girl, bring her home for the holidays, and then eventually get married and have children. However, Dean wasn’t ready for that sort of commitment, so in order to get his family off his back, he comes up with an elaborate scheme! But like the saying goes, “sometimes lies become truths.”

Chapter Warnings: Smut, Slight Angst, Fluffy Goodness, Implied Smut.

A/N: I really love this chapter and I hope you do too! Look at the warnings! Isn’t that just the best?! lol. Hope you guys enjoy!

Series Masterlist

There was knocking on the front door. You groaned burying yourself in a comfortable warmth while wishing whoever it was at the door would go away. The knocking became louder and fervent making it harder to fall back asleep. “Dean, you answer it,” you shoved at him, your mind still no fully awake.

“They’ll go away,” he grumbled, pulling you closer. “Just go back to sleep.”

The two of you quickly fell back asleep, when suddenly, your bedroom door was flung open. “Y/N! Are you alright—” Castiel came bursting through your bedroom door, worry evident in his voice, but upon seeing the sight before him, his eyes widened and entire face went red. “I—I was worried but it seems you’re perfectly okay.” His eyes went from you to his best friend. “My apologies. I guess… I will be off. But before I go, I suggest you put on some clothes. It’s a bit chillier than usual today.”

With a semblance of a smile, Cass turned around, shutting the door, before walking out. You could hear the front door closing signifying that Cass was no longer around.

It took less than four second for the two of you to realize the predicament you were in. You shrieked and Dean yelped, jumping off the bed, pulling the blanket over his hard cock. When your bare body hit the cool air, taking note of your very naked body, you pulled the blanket back over to you to cover your modesty, but that only resulted in Dean falling forwards from the unexpected force, his body landing on yours.

“Dean!”

“What are you doing?!” Dean shouted trying to get off of you, but with the both of you wriggling around like fishes out of water, it was proving much more difficult than it had to be.

Once Dean was on his side of the bed and you on the other, with the blanket covering everything that needed to be covered, you both just sat there in awkward silence. The tension was so thick, you needed a chainsaw to cut through it.

Suddenly, your phone started to go off, followed by Dean’s. You shared a look with the green-eyed man beside you before checking each of your phones. You gasped while Dean groaned.

“Dammit Cass!” Dean hissed. “The guy works fast.”

“Oh god. How are we supposed to explain this?” You muttered. “This is all your fault.”

Dean whipped his head towards you gawking at your statement. “My fault? This is your fault,” he accused back.

“How is it mine?”

“Because you got drunk and I had to bring you home!” He retorted.

“Yeah, well, you didn’t have to stay!” You barked.

“You’re the one who kept begging me to stay. Told me to stay the night! In your bed!”

“I was drunk!”

“So was I!”

Silence.

Silence loomed over the conversation once again. Dean ran both of his hands through his messy hair, before roaming it back down his face, letting out a heavy sigh. Your eyes were on him the entire time, unable to look away.

Despite being drunk, you remembered everything. The way he looked at you, the way he felt against you, the way he touched you, they way he kissed you, ate you out, and the way he filled you up to the brink of insanity… everything. You remembered everything. The thing you remembered the most however, was the way he looked at you when you told him you loved him. You remembered the tears in his eyes when he apologized. You remembered the love he showed you. And with all the complications of everything happening at the moment, all you could think about now was how much you wanted him. How much you wanted to forget everything and just be with him.

Dean’s hands dropped to his sides, his eyes straight forwards, unaware of your intense admiration of his stripped down form. Your eyes continued to wander from his handsome features down to his muscled chest, down his defined torso, and straight to the tented blanket. Even under the thick fabric, his cock managed to pitch quite a large tent.

“Dean…” you started, not knowing exactly what you were going to say or where it was going to go.

He turned his head over to you, his mossy orbs meeting your darkened once. Dean’s lips parted at the sight of you, his dick twitching under the covers. He wanted to jump you. He wanted to fuck you all over again just like he did last night. He wanted to feel you, taste you, he just wanted you in general.

“Y/N… we—we can’t…” his words faltered. It was clear that he was trying to hold himself back; control his urges.

You sucked your bottom lip between your teeth, gnawing on it like a helpless little girl, and Dean rolled his eyes, moaning in frustration. He wanted you so bad.

“We were drunk. We didn’t know what we were doing,” Dean lied. He remembered everything. His heart clenched when the thought of your confession being said under lack of judgement. Like it was a secret he wasn’t supposed to know, but now he did, and he couldn’t act upon it. He had to keep it to himself. Pretend, for your sake, that he didn’t know. He knew how embarrassed and mortified you would have been.

“But I did. I did know what I was doing. And I did know what I was saying…” Dean froze, his eyes now boring into yours for any sign of falsehood. “I meant it Dean. Even with all the shit going on, I just can’t anymore. I’m in love with you. I have been in love with you for longer than I’ve realized. I’ve always been in love with you. Always—”

Before you could say another word, Dean cupped your cheeks in his hands, pulling you to him and capturing your lips with his in a deep, passionate, kiss. One that relayed everything you needed to know. One that told you he felt the same way.

A tear escaped your eyes as he continued to kiss you. Tongue against tongue. Breathing each other in. Everything just felt so right like this.

“I mean it—” you pulled away, gasping for air.

Dean was just as breathless, eyes locked on your swollen lips before meeting yours. “I know.”

And with that, he pulled you onto his lap, the blanket pulling around your hips. Your chest was flush against his as your lips locked together, taking your time. Neither of you had to go to work and there were no classes on the weekends, so there was no need to rush. It was just you and Dean, the way it should have been. The way it should have always been.

In the midst of your make out session, Dean had managed to guide his cock at your entrance, using your body weight to descend on him. It was slow but it hit deep inside you, making you clench around him. You hissed with bliss as Dean moaned your name. The sound of it bringing the butterflies in your stomach to life again.

While you rocked your hips against his, he used his hands to help guide you at a consistent cadence, not wanting to go too fast or too slow.

The intimacy of it all was bringing you closer to your high with each thrust. Dean was delicate with his motions, but the way he gripped onto your hips was rough and needy. Everything was perfect.

You had to pull away from the kiss, your head throwing back, exposing the length of your neck. Needing to be touching every part of you, he latched his eager mouth to your neck, sucking and licking where ever he could. There was no doubt that there were marks.

“S-so close,” you moaned, the sound coming out high pitched and needy.

“Me too,” Dean breathed, his words muffled against your neck.

His grip on you tightened as he took full control of your hips, guiding your faster, harder, and thrusting upwards to get in deeper. Your body shook with each thrust, the blunt tip of his cock hitting that perfect spot every time. Your lips parted in undeniable bliss.

“God, please!” You squeaked, struggling to breathe.

“Sh-shit. Come for me! Baby, c’mon.” Dean started pistoling inside of you, pressing his back against the headboard and pushing his legs against the mattress for leverage, grasping your hips enough to know there were going to be bruises.

You head fell forwards, resting your forehead against his as your arms clung to his neck, needing something to hold on to, otherwise you felt like you’d float away. Your body trembled as you fell apart on top of him, body still and legs quaking as you held your breath. When the first wave washed over you, you inhaled deeply, followed by a soft whimper.

Your fluttering walls sent Dean over the edge, milking him of all he was worth. He growled in euphoria, thick ropes gushing and filling you up. Once the high was over, the two of you sat there, his softening cock buried inside you, kissing slowly.

“What happens now?” You questioned, fearful of his answer but knowing you’d eventually have to ask.

“Now…” Dean inhaled, “… now we stick together.”

“B-but Lisa—” your voice cracked.

“Stop worrying about Lisa. We’ll make it work. We’re going to make it work. There isn’t anyone else that I want. Only you. I can still be Ben’s dad without having to be with Lisa. People do it all the time.”

“But I know that’s not the kind of family you want…”

“As long as I’m with you, I’ll take any family dynamic I can get. I want you, Y/N. Only you. You got that? Just you.” The only response you gave him was a nod, and it was enough for him.

His fingers strummed through your hair, combing out the tangles of sleep and sex. The act was soothing. You were nearly asleep when Dean slowly lifted you off of him, making you moan at the loss of him.

“Sleep Sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere okay? I’m just going to clean up a little.” When you nodded your head, Dean planted a kiss on your forehead, then nose, before leaving a lingering kiss on your lips, as if he was taking a last minute taste before he exited the room.

You weren’t sure what time it was when you woke up, but when you did, you slipped on Dean’s shirt and your discarded panties from the floor. You looked in the mirror, taking note of all the marks Dean left on your neck. Your lips were still slightly swollen and hair disheveled. You lifted the shirt over your waist, revealing bruises and small love bites littering your skin. A smile smeared across your face, loving every blemish, each one a reminder of what you and Dean had done.

Dropping the shirt back to fall just above your knees, you walked out of your room, seeing Dean just in his briefs, staring out the window. He was on the phone.

“Hey mom, what’s up?” Dean answered.

“How’s my baby boy doing?” Mary asked, voice soothing and reminding him how much he missed her.

“I’m doing fine mom. Great, actually,” he grinned softly, thinking about you.

“That’s good to hear. When are you coming back home?”

“For Christmas break, remember?”

“Of course. Sorry. It’s just that I have some important news that I’d like to tell you before Christmas,” his mom confessed.

“What is it?” Dean questioned, starting to get a little nervous.

“It’s better to tell you in person. I—actually, it needs to be in person.”

“Mom, you know I can’t. I still have classes.”

“Is there anyway you can get here as soon as possible?” Mary pushed. Dean could tell that this was serious.

“How about this. I’ll have everything ready and packed up, and once my last class is over, I’ll head straight there. Is that good?” Dean tried to compromise.

“Yeah. That sounds good. Whatever it takes to get you home soon. By the way…”

“Hmm?” Dean hummed.

“How’s Y/N doing?”

“Y/N? She’s good. Or at least I hope she is.”

“Dean, you need to work things out with her. We really want you to bring her home for Christmas and New Years.”

“Mom, don’t worry about that. Now, I have to go okay? I’ll talk to you later.”

“Alright. I love you Dean.”

“Love you too, mom.”

Once Dean hung up, he turned, jumping when he saw you. “Hey,” you said, wrapping your arms around yourself. The air was chilly, yet Dean seemed to be fine. “It’s freezing. Aren’t you cold?”

Dean smiled, having had this conversation a million times. His natural body temperature was always hot while you always got cold easily, always pressing your cold feet to his flesh, anywhere you could get to.

“C’mere,” he called, opening his arms up for you. You didn’t hesitate, snuggling yourself into his arms, reveling in the warmth he provided. You hummed in content, soaking up all the warmness he was willing to offer.

“Hey Baby, can I ask you a question?” Dean interrupted the peaceful silence.

“Anything,” you replied.

“Why does Cass have a key to your place?”

“In case of an emergency,” you simply answered. “Jo has one too.”

“Are you serious?” Although you couldn’t see, Dean’s eyebrows were raised high into his hairline.

“Yeah,” you pulled away, staring up at him. “Is it a problem?” You frowned.

“Uh, yeah. Kind of.”

“Why?” Your frown deepened, looking up at him like a child who has been denied of what they wanted.

“I just don’t want anyone walking in on us having sex,” Dean smirked, wiggling his eyes, before hooking his arms under your thighs and carrying you back into your room.

Say Something Nice Here!

Falling for the Holidays Tags: @amanda-teaches @dancingalone21 @a-winchester-fairytale @dolphincliffs @oneshoeshort @brewsthespirit-blog @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @atc74 @natasha-baggins @heavymetalhauswife @linki-locks11 @spnwoman @veevm @chameleah86 @kdcollinsauthor @claitynroberts @roonyxx @rainflowermoon @ladylaylo @closetspngirl @mirandaaustin93 @salt-n-burn-em-all @flamencodiva @fangirlanotherjust @winchest09 @shamelesslydean @couldabeenamermaid @alexwinchester23 @algud @gracefultrenchcoat494 @prettyinplaid94 @shhhs3cret @cookiechipdough @justkending @adoptdontshoppets @screechingartisancashbailiff @woodworthti666 @janicho88 @emeraldeagle8911

#dean winchester au #dean winchester x reader au #dean winchester x reader #dean x reader #dean winchester #reader insert #dean winchester series #dean winchester au series #spn #supernatural #smut #falling for the holidays #squirrel-moose-winchester

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lovemesomesurveys · 6 years ago

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On average, how many songs do you listen to in a day? Most days I don’t listen to any, but sometimes I’ll put on my Spotify, hit shuffle, and let it play for awhile. Oh, and if I go anywhere I’ll hear music in the car. It really just depends, man. Do you ever buy your pet(s) birthday or Christmas presents? Yep! I always do. For her birthday we get her a special doggy cookie or something and for Christmas she has her own stocking. Although, it doesn’t have to be her birthday or holiday for her to get presents we kinda spoil her just a tiny bit. ;) What is something new that you learned today? Nothing so far. Worst movie ever? Uhhh. One that just came to mind is Nocturnal Animals. I didn’t like it.

Can you lick your nose? Nope.

Can you lick your elbow? No. Do you think your current relationship will last forever? I’m single, but yeah I probably always will be let’s be honest.

What do you want most out of life? I just want to be in better health physically and mentally, or at least ya know feel like I’m managing it better and just be in a better place mentally, and to find happiness. I’d like to just be in a better place all around. Who would you love to punch in the face right now? No one. Would you rather watch a movie in the theater or at home? Depends on the movie. Some movies I just have to see in theaters because it’s better that way and adds to the experience, and others I can wait to rent at home or watch on TV. Do you still own any VHS tapes? do you ever watch them? We still have our Disney ones. I haven’t watched them in how I don’t know how long. A very long time. One thing you promised yourself you’d never do and then did? A lot of things. What is something you forget to do often? I forget. What hobby have you always wanted to pick up? I just wish I was crafty and did like DIY stuff. Do you ever feel like life is going by too fast? In the moment it feels like it’s dragging sometimes but then you look back and you’re like omg where did the time go. Like we’re almost in October and the end of the year will be here before you know it. What do you miss about your childhood? Everything. I miss just being a kid and being in my own little world of imagination and playing Barbies and playing with my cousins and stuff. I was dealing with stuff then, too, but I was a strong, resilient kid and I got through it. The tough stuff isn’t even what sticks out when I think of my childhood. My adult self is so weak. Where was the last place you went out for dinner? This local place. Have you ever had to call 911? No. Are you more scared of going to the doctors or dentists? Both. Would you ever stay in high school for an extra year? Why on earth would I have wanted to do that?? What do you like the best about the city you live in? My family is here, but otherwise nothing. What’s the closest orange object to you? The orange string of lights I have across my dresser. Have you ever rolled off your bed in your sleep? When I was a kid that happened sometimes so I had a railing put on the side. What is something that you do everyday? Drink coffee. Dark or milk chocolate? Milk. Have you ever had a pen pal? Yeah, we did that in 3rd grade. What is your favourite thing to order from a restaurant? Chicken tenders and french fries. Do you own any Nike shoes? Yes. Do you put your shirt on or your pants on first? My pants. Do you edit a lot of your pictures? I add a filter to them. I don’t do any like Facetuning or anything like that. What was the silliest thing you got mad about this week? I don’t know, I get irritated/annoyed at any little thing sometimes. How do you like your potatoes? Mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, in french fry or potato wedge form, in hash brown form, in potato chip form... I love potatoes. Do you get along with your significant other’s friends? I’m single. Are you one of those people who will not use a public washroom? Only if I really need to. Are you afraid of spiders? EXTREMELY. I just looked up at my ceiling to make sure there weren’t any. I check that a lot. What is something that you do often with your family? Watch TV. Have you ever been stung by a bee? No. Do you enjoy the sound of crickets at night and birds in the morning? I don’t hear any. Do you prefer ice cream in a bowl or cone? Bowl. I take too long to eat it so cones get messy. What is a good name for a baby boy? Alexander. Have you ever tried counting the stars? How far did you get lol? Yeah, I have. Not very far, ha. They’re innumerable. What bank do you go to? You don’t need to know. Do you enjoy board games? I love board games. Who is the most overrated singer? Taylor Swift. Do you need a haircut? Nah. Can you say the alphabet backwards? I mean yeah, but it would take me longer. When was the last time you were sick? I last had a virus thing back in like May, but otherwise I feel some kind of crappy, sickiness often. What was the scariest moment of your life? The last surgery I had. What is the most expensive gift you have ever given someone? Hmm. Do you hate Mondays? They’re just another day for me now since I’m no longer in school and I don’t have a job. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Yes. Describe your socks. They’re black ankle socks. Does it bother you when people talk throughout the whole movie? Yes. What do you regret the most? Just not taking care of myself better. Some of the things I’m dealing with now could have been prevented. Do you believe in yourself? No. Do you think you have found your “true love” yet? Nope. What is your greatest weakness? I don’t know. Would you rather live “A good life” or “THE good life”? A good life. Do you feel bad when you kill bugs? No. :X How much water do you drink each day? Only like 3, sometimes 4 glasses. :/ I used to get the full 8 a day, but when I got that virus back in May I slacked off and haven’t gotten back on track since. When was the last time you ate popcorn? Last Saturday. What is your favourite planet? Earth. Do you like animal print things? Not clothing, but I have a body pillow with giraffe print that I really like. Do you have any pets that you had since you were born? No. Do you own anything that you had when you were a baby? Yes. Are you one of those people who are always cold? Nope. I’m usually the one always hot. Do you enjoy Mario games? Yes.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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unicornsandwich23 · 7 years ago

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RFA+ Saeran minus Jaehee MC was abused. (TRIGGER WARNING.)

I’m not uncomfortable, it’s fine. I apologize for this taking so long. Though it doesn’t make me uncomfortable, it was a bit close to home for me. If this comes off as a bit awkward or too.... Personal? I’m very sorry and feel free to criticize me. I may have gotten a bit emotional... And personal. I’m very sorry if that bothers you or anyone else. I’m also very sorry that I left Jaehee out. I was having a bit of trouble with this and it became overwhelming. (However, I have something similar wrote with her Here!)

I’m just sorry in general if this is shit. Lol

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of various forms of abuse below.

Yoosung:

You were going through some old family photos with Yoosung.

He noticed that a few times you would cringe at certain pictures or your eyes would take on this dark, lifeless look for a second.

All of the photos that gave you this reaction seemed to have been around the same time period as well.

Yoosung honestly couldn’t help asking about it after the forth time of seeing you react this way.

“MC.... Did something bad happen around this time?”

You tensed when Yoosung pointed to the picture of you in your favorite shirt that you had just placed back on the ground.

You stared at the picture as if you were in some sort of trance for a moment until Yoosung softly called your name and you jolted back to attention. “O-oh... Well, you could say that...”

You gently ran your fingertips down the image, lingering on the shirt you were wearing. “This picture was taken on a trip with my aunt and uncle. It was the last time I ever got to see them... For a while.”

“Why is that...?” You could tell that Yoosung was being very careful with his words as if he were trying not to upset you.

“These... People I was staying with weren’t exactly the nicest, I guess you could say. It may seem... Stupid to most..”

Yoosung quickly spoke up when you said this. “Don’t say that, MC... You can tell me. I don’t think you are stupid...”

His words made tears well up in your eyes and you smiled painfully, your face scrunching up slightly.

“Heh... R-right. Well, they didn’t really... Abuse me, I guess you could say. Just small things, like bullies... If I really liked a shirt, they would take it. They threw some of my favorite toys out the window. Whenever we would eat, they would make me eat things just because they knew I hated them.”

“I wasn’t allowed on the furniture because I was ‘dirty’ so they would make me sit on the floor if I was lucky.... Most times I would have to stand in the corner for the entire day... When it came time to sleep, if I didn’t fall asleep fast enough they would make me stand until I was exhausted... I wasn’t even allowed to go to the bathroom on my own... I.... Heh...”

Yoosung grabbed your arm and your eyes widened at the realization that your nails had been digging into the photo and your cheeks were covered in tears.

You slowly turned to him, a look of utter shock on your face before you felt yourself shatter.

You let out a strange, whining sob before throwing your arms around him, clinging on to him.

Yoosung instantly put his arms around you as well and you could have swore you felt tears dripping onto your shoulder.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know it’s stupid b-but I-“

Yoosung cut your words off by squeezing you tighter. “It’s not, MC. I p-promise it’s not. I know it’s not... Normal abuse but... That doesn’t make what they did to you okay and... It doesn’t make your pain any less valid...”

Another whine broke out and you hugged him tighter, shaking with sobs as you cried into his shoulder.

You wondered if he knew how much those words meant to you.

You wondered if he knew that those words were the words you had wanted so badly to hear that you couldn’t stand it.

No matter how many times you said it was stupid, all you wanted to hear was that the pain you felt from the experience was still valid.

Yoosung rubbed your back, softly crying with you while still trying to calm you down.

After you were stable enough to get up, Yoosung held you close to his side while walking you over to the bed, the photos behind you long forgotten.

He held you especially close that night, stroking your hair and whispering soft words of love until you fell asleep.

Zen:

You were walking though the shop with Zen, hand in hand and giggling.

Just as you turned the corner, you completely froze, almost ripping Zens arm off when you pulled him back behind the shelf.

It was clear that Zen was confused but you were too panicked to notice.

You tried your best to play it off as normal and point at a drink you liked but Zen wasn’t fooled.

He saw the way your hand was trembling slightly and your voice was cracked.

He could feel how cold your skin was under his touch.

While you continued playing it off, Zen peaked around the corner you two had just tried going around.

The only person he saw was a older, slightly overweight man standing and looking over some hot food items.

He looked oddly familiar though Zen couldn’t exactly pinpoint where he had seen him or why some of his features were so familiar.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when you pulled on his arm, panic clear on your face.

“Wh-what are you doing?” Your voice sounded even weaker than before and it was clear to Zen that you were on the verge of tears.

“Babe, tell me what’s wrong.” Zen spoke softly, gently grabbing your shoulders and looking into your eyes with concern.

The question had shaken you up a small bit and took away all the words you could have said.

Instead of speaking, you simply pulled him towards the exit.

Right before you reached the area where the shelf would no longer hide you from view, you pulled him a bit closer and tucked yourself under his arm.

More tears welled up in your eyes as you rushed out of the shop with Zen close by. You simply pointed at his bike with a pleading expression once you were outside.

You didn’t want to risk anyone hearing you and you definitely didn't want to risk running into him.

Zen seemed to take the hint and the two of you rode home on his bike in silence.

Once you arrived, you went straight to the bedroom to lay down and calm your heartbeat and prepare yourself.

The tears that you had been holding back this whole time came forth in waves and you covered your mouth to stifle a sob.

Zen rushed in at the sound with a bottle of water in his hand, clearly very worried about you.

This reminded you of the reason why you had stopped by the shop in the first place. To pick up some drinks after a long day of work.

You completely forgotten about this fact and felt even worse about the whole ordeal.

He placed the water bottle on the bedside table and sat down next to you, pulling you against him. “You can talk now, babe. If you want to.”

You nodded your head, reminding yourself that you were in a safe place before speaking. “That person you saw.... That was my dad.”

Suddenly, the reason why some of the mans features had seemed so familiar to him clicked. Not only had he come across a picture of this man in his younger days on your shelf, but you also resembled him in a lot of ways.

Zen nodded his head before gently encouraging you to continue.

“He... When I was younger, well... He wasn’t very happy. He was for a really long time, honestly, but sooner or later he just.... Snapped.... H-he was so sad and angry and lonely and he decided that... Taking it out on me was what he needed and... H-he would....”

You choked on your words and warm tears fell down your cheeks at the memories.

The pain and suffering you had to go through by the hands of the one man who was supposed to fucking protect you.

The hurt and distrust you had built up around you because of him when it was supposed to be his job to teach you how a man should treat you.

You felt yourself being pressed into Zens chest as he gently stroked your hair. “Shhh... There, there.... I’m here...”

His words should have brought you comfort but it only made you cry harder at just how gentle and kind he was being.

You practically curled up into his lap, desperately clinging to him and the love he showed you. “I-I love you..... S-so much....”

Each word was broken up by sobs and Zen hummed in response, rocking you gently as he spoke. “I love you, too. Don’t be scared. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

The words made your chest tighten. Normally Zens overprotective nature was a bit smothering but in this moment it was exactly what you needed.

No matter how strong you were, you had always secretly wished that someone, ANYONE would protect you.

You wanted more than anything for someone to save you and tell you that things would be alright. That no one would be able to hurt you again.

You cried yourself to sleep in his arms, your hands still lightly grasping at his clothing.

Zen stared down at your form in his arms as he gently stroked your hair.

“I promise.... That no one will ever hurt you like that again, MC. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

Jumin:

You pulled in a deep breathe to calm your nerves as you looked up at your old family home.

It was the holidays.

The time where your family would get together and silently judge each other for what they were wearing or what they were doing with their life.

You squirmed awkwardly in the dress Jumin had picked for you.

You had tried to pick what your family might have liked but Jumin just wasn’t having it and made sure you picked something you would actually like and feel comfortable in.

It was a sweet gesture but it also ate away at your anxiety of seeing them all again, not to mention that your hair had recently been redyed, which you knew your grandmother hated.

Walking up, you were first greeted by the woman herself outside smoking. “Well, hi there, stranger.” She said in a high, somewhat sweet and sarcastic voice as she walked up to hug you.

You smiled, hugging her back and taking a small bit of comfort in her embrace.

She was mean and sometimes borderline cruel to you but you couldn’t help the small bit of love you still felt for the woman that raised you when your own parents left.

“Hi, Granny. It’s nice to see you.” You smiled nervously before gesturing to Jumin. “This is my husband, Jumin. I’m sure you remember me mentioning that he would be coming along.”

Your grandmother smiled at him kindly, shaking his hand in a friendly matter as she introduced herself.

“Why haven’t you come out to see us in a while?” Your heart dropped at the words. You knew exactly where this was headed.

“Oh, well, you know. Life gets kinda busy sometimes.” You push a friendly smile on to your face as you spoke.

“Yeah, I guess. Just like your brother and dad getting busy.” You could hear the sharpness in her tone and cringed, feeling that old sense of guilt build up in your chest.

You weren’t like them. You loved your family, you did. No matter what they said you swore you loved them.

“I.... Oh, ya know...” You couldn’t think of much else to say on the matter, looking down at the ground and fidgeting nervously.

“Yeah, I know.” You felt the bitterness seeping from her tone. “So, what’d you do with your hair?” She pointed to the unnatural color with thinly vailed annoyance.

“O-oh, yeah! I just got it dyed again! I really do love this color.” You smiled brightly to push down any feelings of sadness from her clear displeasure.

“Well, honey, I’m sure you think it is but you know God made your hair the way He wanted it.” Her voice was sweet but her words still hurt a bit. You knew she didn’t like it. She hadn’t since you first started doing it.

However, you continued to smile, unable to really argue with her. “I’m sorry, Granny. I guess it really isn’t the best color.” She nodded in agreement, taking a long drag of her cigarette before she continued speaking.

“Well, nothing you can do about it now.” Her eyes traveled down your dress in a look of judgement, but she didn’t say anything else. “So how about your uncle and my sister?”

You froze at her words, fidgeting once more. You knew exactly why they didn’t come. They could feel the judgement in the same way you did but it wasn’t as if you could say that.

“Oh, I haven’t talked to them much lately. I’m not really sure why they didn’t come.” You shrugged awkwardly, looking off to the side.

“Well, I wish they would. They should know that they are always welcomed.” You nodded with a smile, trying your best not to be upset.

She had this way of always saying harsh things in a sweet tone and nice things in a cruel, spiteful tone.

“W-Well, we better get in there!” You cheered, grabbing Jumins hand and pulling him along. “Yeah, you should. Everyone has really missed you, ya know?”

You smiled, nodding your head in understanding before walking into the household, trying your best to suppress the guilt.

You awkwardly passed through the full living room into the kitchen where your more close family resided.

The rest of the evening you tried your best to smile and spend time with a family you had never felt close to. You didn’t have things in common with them and their cruel talk made you uncomfortable the whole time.

Finally, after a while, Jumin pulled you outside to speak to you. “Love, are you alright? You’ve been acting very strange.”

You cringed at his words, looking down at your feet. You really were the problem.

You loved your family but sometimes you just didn’t know how to spend time with them. “N-nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.” You smiled up at him but it was so obviously strained.

He sighed, cupping your face in his hands gently. “You don’t have to pretend like you are okay. You’ve looked like you were on the verge of tears most of the evening.”

Your face crumbled a bit at his words and you were about to speak until you heard the front door open. You spun around just in time to see your grandmother once more.

“Hey, what are you doing out here?” She asked, lighting up a cigarette as she sat in one of the chairs. “Oh, nothing really. Just talking.” You smiled awkwardly, tugging at your hair.

“Well, you do know you can talk inside, too. You always were like this, ever since you were a kid.” You looked off to the side, shrugging awkwardly. You just... Didn’t fit in with them.

Your grandmother sighed when you didn’t respond, taking another drag before exhaling and resting her hand in her chin. “You know, your aunt said she liked your dress.”

“R-really?” Your eyes instantly sparkled and you smiled brightly, looking up at her. Your heart dropped with you saw her face scrunched up in displeasure. “Yeah, well, she doesn’t have that good a taste.”

“O-oh....” You looked back down, kicking yourself mentality for getting so excited over nothing.

“I think her dress is lovely as well.” You actually finch when Jumin speaks up and you look over at him, speechless.

“Well, that’s nice.” You could tell she didn’t like what he said and that she wasn’t going to let it go. “I just think she should worry more about her hair than the cloths she wears. You know all your hairs gonna fall out if you keep doing that to it.”

You sighed, feeling defeated by her words. You loved her so much and that was why each word she spoke hurt so badly. “I guess so.”

Without warning, Jumin took your hand in his, pulling you along. “We were actually about to leave. We have other events to attend to.”

“You’re leaving already?” You stopped in your tracks, pulling your hand from Jumins before walking back over to her. “Yeah, sorry...”

“Well, alright than. It’d be nice if you came out to see me more often.” She pulled you into a hug and you nuzzled into her, hugging back tightly. “Right! I love you.”

“Love you, too.” Her tone of voice made you feel so guilty for saying goodbye. “Are you gonna say bye to everyone else?”

“Oh! Of course!” Before Jumin could even stop you, you had turned to run back into the house to say your goodbyes.

Once back in the car, you slumped against your seat, tugging on your dress awkwardly.

“You don’t have to prove yourself to them.” Your heart dropped at Jumins words and you turned to look at him in complete shock. “What?”

“It was fairly obvious the whole day that you were trying so bad to impress all of them, even when they would tear you down.”

His words made your heart clinch and you looked down, tears welling up in your eyes. “I just.... I just want them to like me... I- I really do love them!” You looked back up at him as if you were pleading with him to agree.

He gently cupped your face, speaking in a soft tone. “I know that you do, my dear. That doesn’t mean that you have to pander to everything they want, though.”

The tears that were building up in your eyes suddenly fell down your cheeks. You wanted so desperately for your family to approve of you. No, not your family. You wanted HER to approve of you.

But you didn’t want to lose who you were as a person and it hurt.

“I really d-do love her so much...” You muttered in a weak voice. “I just want her to love me, too. I just...” your voice broke and trailed off as Jumin pulled you into a hug.

“Shhh, there there. I know. It’s okay that you aren’t what they want you to be. I’m sure that they still love you.” A small sob broke out at his words and you nodded.

“If I may interrupt, we are here.” Driver Kim muttered, giving you a gentle look of reassurance. You looked up to see that you were already at your other family members house.

“Oh!” You jumped out of his arms, quickly drying your tears as you ran like a giddy child up the stairs and to the front door to knock.

“Well, hey there!” Your aunts excited voice made you smile brightly as you threw your arms around her, giggling.

“Hey, sweet pea.” Your uncle came from his bedroom, smiling and hugging you as well. You smiled up at them brightly, a warm feeling filling your chest.

Out of the corner of your eye you saw Jumin leaded against the doorframe with a warm smile on his face as he watched you.

About that time, your aunt and uncle had noticed him as well and ushered him in with friendly smiles. You felt happiness all the while.

Just as they weren’t paying attention, Jumin leaned in and whispered to you. “Even if no one else does, they love you and so do I. Please, love, don’t feel as if you have to prove yourself.”

You turned around quickly, a bit shocked but as you turned back to your REAL family, you smiled with teary eyes.

Right. Not everyone had to love or accept you. Those who did were all that mattered.

Seven:

Sighing in content, you looked up at the soft orange and purple sky above you and smiled. The evening sunlight danced off of different things, giving them a peaceful vibe.

It truly was a beautiful day to be out for a walk and the soft music playing in your ears made it all the more lovely.

You flipped through a few songs before picking a different one and continued walking around the oval path.

You glanced over at the road as you saw a car pass by unreasonably fast and mentally judged them, rolling your eyes. Some people really were just in a hurry for no reason these days.

It happened once more and you raised an eyebrow, feeling this strange sensation come over you that you tried to ignore.

Today was a nice day and you were going to focus on that above anything else. Besides, a friend of yours lived right across the road from the track so it wasn’t as if you were completely alone.

You had just reached one side of the oval when you saw a car pull into the tracks small parking lot. You curiously looked over to see who it was and you felt your heart stop at the sight.

It was her. The woman you hated with a blinding passion. She waved, her fingers wiggling as she smirked at you.

You decided to opt for not recognizing her and waved back as if you were creeped out by a random stranger waving at you and picked up your pace, hoping to get further away as you tapped away at your phone.

Seven picked up after the third ring and you couldn’t help how panicked your voice sounded as you spoke. “S-Saeyoung.... Can you come pick me up....? Please....??”

Your breathing had gotten slightly more rapid and tears welled up in your eyes. “MC? What’s wrong, are you okay?”

“Please come get me....” You voice sounded weak and on the verge of breaking as you spoke and Seven seemed to realize the urgency behind your request.

You decided to ignore the stabbing daggers and overwhelming intimidation you were feeling from the car.

You found yourself looking down at your phone more, no longer looking around to enjoy the day.

You ended up sending several panicked texts to Seven in hopes that somehow that would make him show up faster.

Finally, a beautiful red car came down the road and you didn’t even wait for it to pull into the parking lot, deciding to instead jog straight over to the road.

He stopped when he realized what you were doing and you rushed over to the passenger side, jumping in and buckling with shaking hands.

Seven tried to speak but you cut him off sharply. “Just drive.” You knew that Sevens window was tinted enough to hide you and you found yourself staring at her in the car.

She was laughing more than a person alone should be and you felt an overwhelming bitterness fill you. You stared down at your lap and felt confused when the car stopped and Seven cut the engine.

You turned to him before looking around to see that the two of you had stopped in a random parking lot not far from the walking track.

“What happened, MC? Are you hurt?” Seven leaned over, examining you for any external injuries. You laughed bitterly, feeling this strange emotion building up within you. “Not on the outside, no. Ha.... Hehehe....”

You could see the concern that filled Sevens face at your reaction and you laughed again, tears filling your eyes as you spoke. “I hate her....”

“Who? Who do you hate?” You could hear the panic and worry in his voice and you sobbed, reaching out and grabbing his face between your hands.

He didn’t so much as flinch away and you pulled him in, gently resting your forehead against his as your spoke.

“Her... That thing that tried to pretend to be a mother to me... That thing that hurt me... Bruised me every day of my life... Mocked me and belittled me... Made me too scared to leave my house for months... Saeyoung...”

His name came out so strained and got could see the heart broken look in his eyes as he cupped your face. “Shhh, it’s okay... I’m right here. You aren’t alone anymore.”

You broke into a loud fit of laughter again, clinging tightly to his hands that were holding your face. “I HATE her... Hah... Haha... I hate her so much that it scares me, Sae...”

Seven pressed gentle kisses to your face as he shushed you, trying his best to calm you down.

You giggled and sobbed, clinging desperately to him as those familiar feelings of anger and fear burned deep within you.

You cried, almost screaming your hatred to him as he tried to talk you down.

After you were calm enough to relax back into your seat, Seven drove the two of you not home, but out into a field.

He got out of the car without a word and went to open your door for you. You slowly got out, allowing him to guild you onto the hood of his car before he followed along.

The two of you laid against the car, hand in hand, as you both started up at the now star filled sky.

It was completely silent but the warmth of his hand in yours told you clearly that you weren’t alone.

“You know... I wouldn’t let just anyone lay on the top of my car like this.” You paused for a moment, taking in his words before you laughed, smiling softly as you turned your face towards a grinning Seven.

“Well, aren’t I a lucky one?” Seven smiled even wider at your words before gently pressing his forehead to yours. “Hmm, I think that would still be me. Getting to spend such a lovely day with such a beautiful girl.”

Your heart jumped at his words and you smiled slightly, nuzzling against him. “Yeah... Right... It’s... Still a beautiful day...”

Saeran:

You were walking through the park, hand in hand with your sweet cactus.

He had a rough night and always loved walking around in nature while holding your hand to cool off.

You were looking around the lovely area when you completely stopped without even fully realizing.

You also didn’t hear Saerans voice as you pulled your hand from his and ran full speed towards the person you swore you knew.

Saeran, of course, followed quickly behind you despite being very fucking confused by the whole situation.

You had ran up to an older woman sitting on a bench. Saeran watched from a distance as you checked to see if the woman was who you thought they were.

When they responded to you with a yes, you almost broke down as you asked them if they remembered you and said your name.

The woman seemed confused for a moment before her eyes widened and she jumped to her feet, hugging you.

You hugged the woman back, your eyes teary as you smiled at her. “I wanted.. I wanted so badly to tell you thank you. I never got to say it. I’m... So thankful for what you done for me. Beyond thankful. If it hadn’t been for you.. Who knows what...”

The woman cut you off with a soft smile and told you there was no need for thanks before she had to rush off at the call of one of her grandchildren.

Saeran jogged over to you, a clear look of confusion on his face. “What the hell was all that about?”

You jumped before freezing in the spot and looking down at your feet, clearly ashamed. “Oh, um.... Can we go home... And talk...? S-sorry...”

Saeran didn’t question this, simply taking your hand and walking back home with you.

Once you had returned, Saeran didn’t push you to begin explaining right away though it was clear as day that he wanted to know what all that was about.

With a deep sigh, you pulled him along to sit with you and nervously fiddled with your fingers.

“When you did a background check on me, how much did you find?” He was very confused by this being the first thing that you said. What did that have to do with anything?

Regardless, he answered. “Not much, actually. Your background didn’t really matter, just your current life and relations to other people. The background would have done nothing for me if you had a large following or many connections at the current time.”

You nodded your head in understanding. That made sense. No matter what your background was, going to the apartment would have only effected your current life at the time. So that was what mattered.

“Well, the woman in the park was actually a nurse...” Saeran raised an eyebrow at this but didn’t question as you continued. “A nurse.... From a behavioral health center.”

Saeran tensed at the familiar terminology. He knew that was just a small sub category placed under mental hospitals.

“When I was really young I was sent there under false accusations and while there, I guess they didn’t know that you were strip searched and well.... When they did this, they were also legally obligated to.... Take pictures of all of the bruises and gashes on my body.”

Saeran visibly finches at your words but holds his tongue, allowing you to continue. “I can’t really even remember if they had asked me where those awful marks came from but.... My last day there, when I was taking my bedding to the laundry room.... That woman you saw stopped me.... She stopped me and begged me to tell her where all those bruises came from...”

“When I broke and told her.... She saved me. She saved me from going back to that hellhole of a household....” Tears welled up in your eyes as you smiled at Saeran sadly.

“If it hadn’t been for her, I think I might have been dead by now. Or at least irreversibly depressed.” The tears slipped down your cheeks and you lowered your head, feeling a bit ashamed.

Saeran had been through hell and back and here you were crying to him about your problems.

You felt a warmth surround you and gasped slightly, pressing your hands against Saerans chest that you were now pressed against. “You can keep talking.”

You gripped the fabric of his shirt, nodding your head and pressing into him. Therapists were good, but nothing beat talking to the one you loved. “U-um.... It was my dads girlfriend.... S-she told them I had anger issues a-and...” Your voice cracked and you curled into him, feeling your body tremble.

“She would say these sick things like I ‘enjoyed it’ when my dad would whip me so she would do it... She would sometimes pinch the skin under my arms when I wouldn’t speak up or something... Um... Throw me against walls and yell at me and tell me I was sick and twisted... Beat me with various switches like big ones that would leave bruises or small, thin ones that would cut through the skin....”

You shook your head, a sob escaping your lips. You wanted to talk, you did. “You don’t have to be scared anymore. They don’t have any kind of power over you... Not anymore..” His words made your heart thump rapidly in your chest and you smiled, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

He pulled back, gently touching your cheek and brushing a tear away. “We have each other now. They don’t matter. No one else matters.”

You nodded again, smiling brighter than before and hugging him. “Thank you... So much...”

Saeran pulled you back into a tight embrace, gently stroking your hair as you cried against him.

For the rest of the evening and night, Saeran simply held you and didn’t speak much.

He didn’t push you to speak about “where they are now” or become angry or aggressive about the whole matter like you somewhat expected and worried about.

He was simply silently by your side, making sure that you didn’t feel alone.

That was all you could really ever hope for and the best thing he could do.

73 notes · View notes

iheartsurveys · 6 years ago

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185

When was the last time you had a slurpee?

No clue...I think it may have been on free slurpee day a few years ago

What is your favorite television show?

I suck at picking just one favorite thing but I think I have to say How I Met Your Mother. It’s just so good

What holiday will be coming up next?

Halloween

Have you ever done hard drugs before?

Nope

What is the worst name anyone has ever called you?

Bitch? Which isn’t that bad lol I mean it’s not the best but could be worse

What color are your eyes?

Plain ol brown

What does the last text you sent say?

Not sure and don’t feel like looking

When was the last time you cried out loud in front of someone?

Can’t remember. I cried on the phone with my mom last week but in front of someone, eh not sure

Where is your favorite place to eat out?

Cheesecake Factory even though it’s a place we only go like once or twice a year. It’s so damn good though

Does it bother you when people call you ‘ma'am’ or 'sir?’

It doesn’t bother me, just makes me feel old lol. Especially when like high school aged kids call me ma’am. So weird still

Have you ever been obsessed with a television character?

Not that I can recall

Do you ever wish you had powers of invisibility?

It’s not something I actively think about/wish for but I mean it’d be cool sometimes

What was the last thing that changed your life completely?

Um, moving out I guess? Even though it didn’t ~completely~ change my life. Not sure if anything has really

Do you have any step siblings?

Yup, two

Did you partake in senior skip days?

So I recall skipping on the day of the senior trip because I didn’t go and if you weren’t going they expected you to go to school. And then there was this one day where they changed the schedule around due to exams so it was first period, last period, then the middle one, and a lot of the seniors including me had half days, and they expected us to sit in the gym for hours over last period/lunch since they moved it and we all were unofficially like nah fuck that and left. I remember walking through the cafeteria near the side doors to the parking lot and seeing teachers blocking the doors with trashcans and making kids go in the auditorium so I took a left and walked out the front door lolllll good times

Do you have Showtime?

Not sure honestly

When was the last time you went to Wal-mart?

Like a month ish ago

Have you ever read the Christian Bible?

I don’t think so

Is there anything you’d like to say to anyone at the moment?

I need to have a convo with someone the next time I see him. It’d take me forever and a day to share so I’ll just say yes

Do you tend to cry a lot?

Nah I’ve been okay these days. I’ve gone through different times though that I would more often

When the holidays come around, do you help decorate?

I love decorating. Britt and I did some mild Fall decorating at our apartment and we’re most likely gonna get a tree when Christmas rolls around

Would you say you have more common sense or book sense?

I’d like to think an equal amount of both

Would you ever consider having an abortion?

Yes depending on the situation.

What does the majority of clothes in your closet look like?

Lots of neutrals

Has someone ever promised not to leave you?

With different words but yes

Do you have a part-time job?

Not currently

Do you order clothing offline quite often?

Offline...as in in person? I do an equal amount of in person/online shopping

Are you the type of person who likes to buy gifts for your friends?

We used to for birthdays/holidays but not for random occasions

Have you ever lived in an apartment before?

I do currently

Have you ever been questioned by the police?

In which state / country were you born?

NY, USA

Are you close to your parents?

Yeah. Definitely closer with my mom but dad and I are okay

Have you ever had to be put on medicine for a mental disorder?

I currently take medicine for anxiety. But I wasn’t “put on” I asked for it. My anxiety got pretty bad a few months ago and I knew I needed to do something, and I think some day I’d like to maybe see a therapist just to share my thoughts with but idk if I can afford that now so until then I’m managing

Would you say you have impressive grammar skills?

Lol my grammar skills are normal? I wouldn’t say they’re ~impressive~ but I also don’t really judge grammar like that

White chocolate or milk chocolate?

Milk

Have you ever been to an amusement park out of state?

Yeah, Six Flags NJ, Hershey Park, and Disney

Does your television connection ever go out during your favorite show?

My favorite show isn’t on air anymore, and I actually started it a few years after it started so mainly watched on DVD/Netflix

Would you rather be part of a team or alone?

Both are good. For work purposes I kinda currently work alone and I’m getting tired of it so having a team would be cool. But I’m also what I like to call an extroverted introvert and need my alone time too

Do you have a Tumblr?

No, what’s that?

Do you ever eavesdrop on people in hallways?

Not really? I’m also not really in a lot of hallways these days haha

Have you ever been punched in the stomach?

Is there anyone you’d like to be cuddling with at the moment?

My dog. Because men are stupid.

Would you consider yourself a crafty person?

Yeah I do pretty well in the craft department. I don’t do crafty things as often as I used to though

What would you say is your favorite color of all time?

Mint blue

Chinese or Mexican food?

Mexican

What do you normally drink when eating at a fast food restaurant?

The only fast food I eat these days is Chick-fil-a and I usually get lemonade or a chocolate milk shake

Do you have a crush on anyone at the moment?

Nope

Is there something important that you should be doing as of now?

Sleeping. Which I will as soon as this is done

Have you ever participated in Black Friday shopping?

Yes. It’s overrated

Describe your favorite outfit?

Idk what my favorite outfit is I have a few I like

What color are your nails painted right now, if any?

My toes are dark gray ish

Have you ever been responsible for someone’s death?

What is your biggest fear?

Biggest? Not sure. I’m afraid of bugs, things near my eyes, being alone forever, failure, etc

What is your favorite website to go on in your spare time?

Twitter or tumblr

What do you normally order when you go to Taco Bell?

I don’t go to Taco Bell

Do you ever spend the night with your significant other?

I’m single af but when dating people in the past I have before

What is your favorite number?

Do you know a lot about serial killers?

I studied Criminology so probably more than the average person lol

Has your life ever been challenged by something huge?

Not that I can think of

Have the police ever been looking for you?

Where do you get most of your accessories from?

Not sure, maybe Target? Or Charming Charlie they have decent accessories

Have you ever been in a car accident?

Just a fender bender

Do you cuss more than any one else you know?

Nah

When was the last time you kissed someone who was younger than you?

Two years ago aka the last time I kissed anyone lollllllllll

How old is your youngest cousin?

Are you currently in a happy relationship?

Single af as I mentioned before

Where did your last kiss take place and at what time of day?

Andrew’s room in the morning

How do YOU download music?

I use Apple Music

Do you tend to talk on the phone a lot?

Not really

Have there ever been any serial killers around your hometown?

When was the last time you went to a museum?

I’m not sure actually. Last year?

Is heartbreak as bad as it sounds?

It sucks

What was your first job?

Babysitter

Do you prefer shades or mini-blinds?

(holy shit this survey is longer than I thought) Shades

What is the weather like outside?

In the 50s I think. Supposed to rain but idk when

Do you ever find yourself talking to someone who isn’t even there?

Sometimes I’ll go to the store with my mom and think she’s by me and say something and then I’m like shit she’s not there

Do you normally have nightmares or good dreams?

I have weird dreams

What do people compliment you on the most?

My hair I think

Are you jealous of any of your friends?

Currently no but I have been before

Are you more of an open person or closed to communication?

It depends on who with. I can be open with close friends/family

Do you know how to shoot a gun and hit a target?

I haven’t shot a gun before

Are you a good listener?

Yes I think so

What is your favorite drink?

I’ve been super into Apple Cider since it’s Fall and all

What is something you always tend to lose?

The backs to my earrings

Do you buy more things for yourself or others?

Myself probably

If you chew gum, which kind is your favorite?

Just minty kinds

Is there anyone you know in which you’d like to simply punch in the face?

Hahaha absolutely

Do you like listening to foreign music?

I don’t typically

What turns you on the most?

Neck kissing, lip biting, a nice stable attractive man who knows what he wants in life (haven’t met one of those in a while sadly)

Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?

Yes

#survey #surveys

0 notes

aingealcethlenn-archive · 8 years ago

Text

Why

Characters - Rhionnan (OC), Bucky, Steve

Pairing - Bucky x OC

Summary/Request - A rough night of memories, Rhionnan lets her guard down for the first time in a very long time, thinking no one would find out. But that wasn’t the case.

Word Count - 2,258

Warnings - Angst, Fluff, Feelings of sadness, regret, loss, Bucky cuddles (yes, that’s a warning now :P deal with it) (If you spot any other warnings I should add, please let me know so I can edit this post to include them!)

A/N - So..Uumm..This wasn’t going to be posted. It was written to try to ease my mind. BUT, my sister convinced me to finish it & stuff, so I did. And it was crap, so she worked her magic, capturing me perfectly..which is a little scary LOL, and made it so magnificent that it made me cry! (honest! it did!). SO..Thanks @wrenwritesometimes!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 This is about me..basically. My name isn’t Rhionnan, & obviously I’m not an Avenger (duh), but the details about the death and traditions and such are my personal details. The feelings, the demeanor, the attitude, the emotionlessness (is that a word?)..even the bit about feeling like emotions are wrong..all those little details and shit...yep, that’s me! *waves* As I said, it was written to ease my mind after March 17th passed. Basically...welcome to my St. Paddy’s Day traditions -.-

Tags (Want on or off? Send a message/ask!) - @serzhantjamesbuchananbarnes @buckyywiththegoodhair @theimpossibleg1rl @hushothermuses @grooveandshit @blondekel77 @xfirespritex @i-stole-rudolphs-nose @thepalaceofmelanie

Story -

While sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the television, I could hear the other Saint Paddy’s Day parties thrum around the city below. My legs were crossed under me, with Bucky’s sweatshirt wrapped tightly around my body. I watch as the little leprechauns dance on the screen of my television.

It may sound fucking weird, but the longer I looked at those little fuckers, tears began to sting my eyes and nose.

Maybe it was the Jameson sitting on the coffee table, I don't know. Nursing a small glass one too many times always brought me to tears on days like this... Me, sitting on my own legs, sipping from the cup in my hand, half full of the whiskey… trying to will the tears away.

The rest of the tower had all gone to their rooms about an hour ago. I had made sure that they were all gone before I made my way to the common room.

Though... it felt more like a trance. I had Buck’s sweatshirt on with the bottle and movie in my hands. I put the movie’s disk in the player, and turned it on before grabbing a glass from the kitchen. Once I got comfortable on the couch, and poured my first shot, I lifted my glass, staring blankly out the window to the dark sky above.

“Lá fhéile Pádraig sona dhuit,” I mumbled to myself, taking the shot quickly. I swallowed slowly.

It always felt cathartic to force the liquid to slow down as it made its way down my throat.

Now, here I sit, a fair bit into the movie, and I… I am next to blackout drunk.

I had no idea what was going on. Other than I had definitely had more than one shot. Knowing the movie like the back of my hand, I knew how long I must have been sitting, but my head was… somewhere else. Call it an out of body experience.

I felt my hazy brain turn on the rose colored glasses… I felt and remembered the emotions I felt when I was just an eight-year-old watching the television with my dad behind me. A hand on my shoulder as we watched it together.

Curled up, with a dazed smile on my face, I started paying more attention to the screen, as if something new might appear.

It had been the same way every single year... March 17th rolled around, dad would buy a bottle of whiskey, take a single shot, and give away the rest to a friend.

The man hated whiskey. But tradition was tradition.

We’d sit on the couch, and watch movies like this all day. Usually, it was whatever we could find, but it was always a guarantee that Darby O’Gill would grace the screen.

So there I was, watching that beautiful movie, but instead of a simple shot, I was drinking the entire bottle of that damn whiskey.

Why?

Because it was the only damn thing that could get my sorry ass through this holiday anymore.

The one time I could be close to my dad despite the… distance.

My mind had already taken me back to when I was younger, watching with my dad. Listening to him say the lines in that perfect Irish brogue. Singing the songs along with the television... Or even rambling on about different things, like telling me what a banshee was.

Sure, I’d heard it all before… but why would I deprive us of the tradition? No matter how I wanted to fill in details that he either forgot or glossed over, I would always lap it up like it was brand new.

I couldn't ignore the happiness I felt from being so drunk that I could actually hear his voice as I sat alone.

I hadn’t noticed anyone else enter the room. I was lost in my own world; tears falling silently, sipping on whiskey, lost in my fantasy. It wasn’t until I felt the surprising yet familiar cold of his metal arm wrap around me that I even realized someone had been trying to talk to me.

Looking over into those damned concerned blue eyes, I shook my head clear of my haze and snapped myself back to reality.

“B-Bucky,” I mumbled, my voice weak, slurred, and still a little confused.

“What’s wrong, Rhi?” I heard him ask. The concern was evident in his voice.

Bucky had never seen any... hint of emotion like... this. From me.

Hell, none of these avenging bastards had. To them, I was strong. To me… I was frail.

Sure, I had emotions. Everyone does.

But no one had ever seen me weep like a baby. No one had. It wasn’t something I ever did.

I couldn’t.

Tears, meant weakness. If not to anyone else; to me.

I had to stay strong. Everyone counted on me for something or another. Family, friends - hell - even the general population looked to me, and the rest of the Avengers, in times of crisis.

I needed to stay strong for everyone else. Screw me having a moment of slack...

I didn’t have time to back off. I didn’t have time to break down.

I guess this could possibly mean I had never given myself a chance to grieve...

Sure, I may have done it my way, but it wasn’t the right way. Wasn't complete.

I must have been silent too long, because Bucky gently but forcibly took the glass from my hand, setting it on the table next to the now nearly empty bottle. Pulling me into his chest, he just held me.

I didn't know I was still crying until I noticed Bucky’s warm chest was wet and uncomfortable against my cheek from my own tears soaking in his shirt.

Feeling immediately ashamed and guilty, I wanted to move away from him, but I felt fatigued when my eyes fixed on the TV again.

“Rhionnan?”

I shook my head ever so slightly against his collarbone. Waking myself from my odd trance.

“Why does it still hurt so much, Bucky?” I heard myself ask; my voice weak, shaky, and… resigned. “After five years, please,” I whimpered. “Explain to me why it still hurts?”

“What hurts, doll?” He murmured into my hair. “How can I help?” His voice was still laced with concern, though he was trying to hide it.

From my position, I had to look up at him through my lashes, but I needed to look at him.

I had seen Bucky scared before… but this was different.

His eyes shown with a mix of emotions I’d never seen from him before. Fear, concern, sympathy, pain...

I’d never told anyone about my past. Nothing that wasn’t already in my file, anyway.

I’d never talked about my family - my siblings or my parents - because though I trusted these people with my own life, I didn’t want to burden them with the knowledge of my personal life.

“What happened, doll,” he mumbled lowly but warmly. The way he usually spoke. His voice was home for me. “What’s got you so--”

“--Weak? Broken?” I offered indignantly. I sat up slightly, still leaning against him, my head now on his shoulder.

“No,” he objected, slightly surprised. “I don’t see either of those right now, or ever.” His voice had softened by the end of his objection. I felt his lips press against the top of my forehead. “Talk to me Rhi,” he said with a steadfast nod. “What happened?”

“Five years ago,” I said after a long pause and a deep sigh. The whiskey was leaving my system so fast, and I could just feel my heart return to its natural resting heartbeat. “Five years ago was the last time I celebrated this stupid holiday with my father,” I mumbled petulantly (not all the drunkenness had worn off). “A mere four months later was the last time I ever heard his voice.”

My voice had cracked and I felt the water in my eyes give way again, soaking through yet another spot on Bucky’s shirt. My head was throbbing, though I don’t know which made it worse, the alcohol or the crying.

“Two months later, he was gone. I never saw him. Never went to see him in the hospital, never called him on the phone again, nothing,” I said. “Instead, I offered to stay at the house and watch all the little kids while everyone else went to be with him.”

Bucky was silent.

Upon a quick and fleeting glance at his face, I could see it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. Not a ‘I wish you didn't tell me this’ silence.

In fact, from the look on his sharply angled face he wanted desperately to say something comforting.

I could tell that the words eluded him. I could understand that.

He silently pressed a kiss to my hair and pulled me into a tighter embrace.

“When I got the call, I just…” my voice cracked again, “nodded… and hung up. I made the calls to family… since I was the only one who could actually still speak… I then helped with arrangements… because I could keep my composure.”

I shook my head vehemently, settling my face in my hands. “I couldn’t show how bad it… how bad it hurt. Everyone needed someone who was holding it together to turn to.”

“And… that was you,” he mumbled, his breath hitting my neck.

“Yep,” I mumbled into my hands, rubbing my stale eyes. “Though I was the one who lost the most. I still knew that I couldn't break down. I just… I just couldn't.”

“That’s why you never seem phased by anything during missions, isn’t it?” Bucky’s voice was still low and rough despite everything. “You think we all need someone to keep us afloat when things go wrong…” Bucky mused. “Or why you’re always the first one I see when I wake up from a nightmare? You’re trying to be everyone else’s foundation, while your own crumbles.”

“When you say it like that it sounds horrible.” I said, trying to laugh a little through the tears, but it just came off as pathetic and… sad.

“You think no one sees that chip on your shoulder…” Bucky mumbled to himself. “It doesn’t make you weak or anything else. You can’t just keep it all… bottled up inside of you. Aren’t you tired of having to stand so tall?”

I sat up and looked into his eyes with a cold stare. “I break down every once in awhile,” I defended petulantly. “It’s just behind closed doors, screaming into my pillow, so none of you can fucking hear me.”

“Doll… “ He smiled a small smile before pulling me back to him. “That’s not exactly what I meant.”

“Bucky, it’s just not the way I am,” I retorted. “I can’t show that to anyone. I've… I guess I've convinced myself that it's wrong.”

I took a deep, haggard sigh and I could smell the whiskey on my own breath.

“Hell,” I grumbled. “You're literally the first one who’s seen this side of me. Probably ever. And the only reason you did, was because I was so out of it… and, well, drunk... I didn’t hear you come in the room.”

“Well,” Bucky replied softly, seriously. “You should trust me enough to see it again... Let me be the one to catch you when you fall.”

“Buck I--”

“You’ve been a solid rock for me since I arrived, Rhionnan. Let me return the favor, huh?”

I tilted my head and looked up at him for a very serious and long moment. “Only if you promise to never say a word about it to anyone,” I conceded.

“Deal,” he murmured resolutely, kissing my forehead again. “Now, let’s get you to bed. It's late.”

“Can we watch the movie just one more time?” I asked suddenly, catching his arm before he detached himself from me.

“Sure, doll,” he said with a wide and brilliant smile - the one that mostly shone in his eyes more than his lips… “Anything for you.” He reached for the remote on the table, and restarted the movie.

I sat up so he could lay across the couch, settling myself between his legs. Resting my head back against his chest, I took a deep breath, unabashedly taking in his scent. Feeling my body relax, I nuzzled as close as I could.

Bucky wrapped his arms around my shoulders easily, and placed another gentle kiss against my hair. Smiling as he felt me relaxing against him.

I closed my eyes, and let this new feeling take me over. The feeling of contentment, the feeling of safety… the feeling of home.

The next morning, Steve walked into the common room looking for Bucky. Finding the both of us on the couch, he gently tapped Bucky’s shoulder.

“Buck?”

I felt him shift behind me, but not enough to wake me completely. His arms tightened around me, and I relaxed again.

“Yeah?” He looked up at Steve, still half asleep.

“Everything okay?”

“Everythings fine, but I think I’m gonna skip our run today,” he replied with a croaky and quiet chuckle.

“That’s fine,” Steve responded, glancing at my still body, still wrapped in Bucky’s sweatshirt. Steve nodded toward me, asking carefully, “Is she okay?”

“She is now, I think,” Bucky responded, shifting me so he could properly look up at Steve.

“Good,” Steve nodded slightly. “She needs you Buck. Take care of her.”

“Til the end of the line,” Bucky murmured sleepily, grinning knowingly up at Steve.

#fanfiction #fanfic #marvel fanfic #marvel fanfiction #marvel one shot #marvel #Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes oneshot #bucky barnes one shot #bucky x reader #reader insert #steve rogers #bucky one shot #bucky oneshot #bucky barnes fanfiction #personal

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little-kitty-kanny · 8 years ago

Note

answer all of them

Here weeeeeeeeee gooooooo, I’m going to use a read more because this is gonna be hella long

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

I wanna say like Sunday? I think that’s when I last worked. Sometimes I’ll sing under my breath at work.

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

If my meds are going to keep working for me.

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

I’m still alive.

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

My youngest sister is curled up fast asleep next to me.

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

I’d probably be a lot warmer to people. I’d spend a lot more time with people that I care about.

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

Not really to be honest.

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

Well, she’s got pretty curly hair, and the prettiest blue eyes you’ve ever seen. She’s likes to draw and she’s very good at it. She got me more involved in art and drawing. She started the playing the trumpet and has been in love with it ever since. She marches and looks like a boss ass bitch doing it. Music is her passion, but loves learning about how we as humans think and express emotion. She’s lovable and the bestest friend a person could ever ask for. Even though our interests differ a little more now than they did when we first met, she’s been by my side through eleven years of nonsense, heartbreak, and absolute fuckery.

She’s my best friend in the whole wide world and I love her to bits.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

My childhood was decent enough.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

Huh....this had to be sometime last week. I didn’t cry this time talking with my counselor.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

Neil Degrasse Tyson so he could tell me all about the cosmos and the different stars.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

I dunno....like it’d depend on the situation. I’ve had conversations with strangers, but never very deep ones, unless they’ve come forward to talk to me about a really personal situation.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

Either you or Beth, I can’t remember.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

I’d tell my mom that I love her and to tell her to tell the others I love them too.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

Well I like them, but that might be because I have them myself. :P

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.” I’ve had my fair share of hurt and setbacks, but now I’m working to make myself better and working to move past it. I’m acknowledging that things have happened to me that can never be undone, but that doesn’t mean other people’s selfishness or my own mistakes have to control who I am right now.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

Whelp, Look at This Absolute Fuckery.

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

Pay my student loans...all my student loans because I’m still only in my undergrad and I’ll at least need a Masters or PhD.

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

No, I’m not always forgiving. I’ve tried to be better about it, but there are still situations in which I find it hard to forgive.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

Whelp kiddo, lemme teach you some things. Anyone who says they’d kill themselves without you is not your friend. YOU are NOT responsible for the happiness of the whole damn world. You need to take care of yourself and stop worrying so much about other people.You’ll have to break some hearts, but baby, it’s gonna be for the best. You’re gonna have people who don’t like you, but FUCK them. You’re not doing anything wrong, people can be cruel when you tell them things they don’t like.

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

Ugh...I’d like to say punk, but probably more like pastel. I do like soft colors and that kind of aesthetic.

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

I like them. I’m actually thinking about getting a tattoo soon, but I’m still deciding on an artist. I won’t ever get my ears pierced again though. I learned the hard way I can only wear surgical steel earrings....*shudders* never again.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

Meh, I wouldn’t say a lot of makeup. I usually only wear it to events, on holidays, and occasionally for work, but I definitely wear it more than I used to.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

Metallica was my childhood, so I guess I’ll go with them. My dad’s loved them since they started making music and we’d always listen to it together. We don’t do it so much now that we’re both adults with responsibilities, but sometimes we still have time to listen to it together.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

JUST BE FUCKING NICE TO EACH OTHER,POWERFUL BEINGS ABOVE.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

Carnival of Madness....I wanna say it was 2012- This was the first concert I went to. It was my sixteenth birthday present. My dad took me and I’d never felt so amazed and excited. One of the newer bands actually signed some CDs and sold them, so I go to meet one of the members of a band called New Medicine. I also got to watch Amy Lee perform, and she was my singing idol as a child.It was pretty amazing, even if I was anxious because of the large crowd and tight groups of people.

Carnival of Madness 2016 was about one of the only GOOD things to happen that year. That was my sister’s first concert. It was AMAZING. All the bands were wonderful. Hats off to Whiskey Meyer because I’ve never seen anyone rock out to a cowbell, but man, they did. Halestorm was amazing as always....AND SHINEDOWN WAS FUCKING FANTASTIC. They were amazing and omg I fell in love with the music all over again is was great.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

.....you know I don’t really know.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

I have a desk, and I finally cleaned it.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

Lol, don’t really have one.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

The reason I didn’t want to drive is because at that time I was so suicidal all I could do is imagine driving the car into a wall or something else that would end me quick.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

I wanna dye my hair purple again, I’ve just been too lazy to do it.

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

I dunno...I’d definitely take my best friend, but lately I’ve had some....issues with friends....so I’m not sure who’s my friend right now and who is.

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

Nah, this one’s gonna get dark.

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

I was Wednesday Addams for Halloween last year. I spray painted my hair black and wore it in braids. Everyone at the costume party knew immediately who I was just by looking at me. :)

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

I’ve never been drunk or high so nothing I suppose.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

Murder

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

As painful as this is- one song. Because you can mute a song....but you can’t replace people.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

Oooooooh boy.....yeah I’ve thought I was, but I don’t think I really was. Or maybe I was with one person.

I just realized I felt completely comfortable with this person. When this person was upset, I wanted nothing more than to fix whatever was going on. I was just happy being friends with that person....and I wanted them to be very happy, even if it wasn’t with me. It was fucking agony and pain and it made my heart hurt....but hey...isn’t love supposed to make you feel something?

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

One word- cowlicks

So no short hair for this girl.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

Eh, it varies. I usually get some sort of frappachino. My mom knows me pretty well, so she’ll occasionally get me some when she gets hers.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

That would still be my family.

#ask #asks #kan answers an ask #drumandbugle-bae

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shikungigi · 6 years ago

Text

Someone keeps saying I should do more travel pieces, but I keep fighting it, in the spirit of keeping things under wraps. But something changed this time, and I thought it’s good to talk about travelling in its true unInstagrammable form. It started with missing my flight. You do not want to ever miss your flight, friend. If you are going somewhere in the evening, just make sure you are at JKIA by afternoon, honestly. I fought against my very instinct and ended up leaving way later and then not using the bypass. So once we were stuck in Upper Hill traffic, I knew we were done for and just pretty much gave up.

You will meet drivers who think they know Nairobi shortcuts, those that lead you straight into the bowels of the traffic glut itself claiming there is less traffic in the tiny roads. It is painful. And, I, for one, will never take a bodaboda from CBD to JKIA to beat time. I am not crazy and I love myself too much. To cut the long story short, we ended up at the gate right at the minute it closed. After confusing ourselves for another many minutes and taking the wrong escalators and turns. LOL. Also, I was not laughing that time.

We had to make very quick decisions and pay the penalty for the next flight out at midnight. Through it all, my colleague thought I was in denial. I was so collected – like, this happens to me all the time sister, relax. My dad called and suggested I ask where Miguna had been staying so I can spend the time there as well. SMH. I counted the notes at that customer service desk and it all felt so surreal. The total penalty was more than the original flight cost. But later on my colleague reminded me to count my blessings. It could always be worse. The price of a lesson learnt far outweighs the experience. We might not even have had that money in the first place and could have missed the next flight altogether. I was supposed to be mad at someone for this but I was not. Did I forget to mention the part where I left something in the Uber because of the rush? I had to smile at so many men to go backwards through departures to the starting point to meet the driver at the terminal. This involved leaving my passport behind too and coming back to an immigration guy who wanted to play with my head and freak me out by not giving it back immediately.

Not the perfect start to a travel story, right? Wrong. This is the real deal.

Entebbe. Until this trip happened, it had not hit me that Entebbe is the main airport in Uganda, even with the movies made about the hijacking in 1976. I always thought Kampala had another. It’s like JKIA being in Limuru. I am not even kidding you. It takes about 50 minutes to fly to Entebbe. So when you get your stamp and head out through security, you realize how small the place is compared to where you came from and that you are 40km away from your destination. Also, the cars here are slightly older than the ones you see in Nairobi, but it is another Toyota land. A lot of Ubers and Taxifys are Spacios, Ipsums, Raums and whatever other Toyota that is in this family of cars. The driver educated me a lot during that one hour trip in the middle of the night. Apparently Toyota Wish is now taking over the taxi industry and the people who run the country are about to pass a bill reducing the age of cars allowed into the country like us.

Petrol stations. They. Are. So. Many. The whole stretch from Entebbe to Kampala probably has a hundred petrol stations. Or more. Or I am just exaggerating. One person told me it’s because no one travels on full tank here, so they need to have filling stations everywhere when the inevitable happens. There is a good amount of road construction going on to fix the traffic situation this side, but because kids were on holiday, I did not get to see the famed traffic in action.

So we get to Kampala Boulevard, our home for the week and who welcomes us? A napping security guard. No surprise there. I announce our final destination and he offers to walk us up. I almost fall over when he gets up and turns around. A huge AK 47 is hanging from his shoulder across his back. I look at my colleague in disbelief and she gives me the you-ain’t-seen-nothing-yet look – she has travelled to Uganda a lot before. I will have to do further research into how much safer Uganda is with guns as compared to Kenya and our detectors that I have always doubted do much at all those entrances.

The suite is real nice with a great view of this side of the city. The buildings are not as high as Nairobi’s. It’s also not cold. The warmth that I experience the next couple of days just makes me want to stay longer. Even when it showers, the change in temperature is minimal.

Café Javas. My friends. Have you sampled CJ’s on Koinange Street yet? You know, the beautiful new restaurant that’s almost all glass with the most beautiful popping menus I have ever seen and equally good food and service? Well. You ain’t seen nothing yet until you go to one of CJ’s mothers in Kampala, Café Javas. And in case you did not know why it is CJ’s, the two had previously fought the trademark battle in court in Uganda when Java was seeking to register its trademark in the country. Java won and now has branches in Kampala. We already know Uganda is very agriculturally rich, right? I mean, we nearly wept on our way back to the airport looking at tomatoes the size of fists sitting pretty in the sun in various markets along Kampala-Entebbe Road. Meanwhile, we’re buying beat-up tomatoes like gold on this other side of Lake Victoria. Sigh.

Anyway, back to Café Javas. In addition to the huge servings you get, with additions that make you want to ululate in exhilaration like Njugush, it is still cheaper than its equivalent in Kenya. I literally camped here the whole week, despite how packed it could get. Juzi I got a milkshake from Java and I wanted to cry. I felt so cheated. It suddenly felt watery. The shakes at Cafe Javas are heavenly. Did I mention the Pina Coladas! (Without rum, of course.) I guess I will never look at anything food related the same way again after Uganda. LOL. It suddenly makes more sense why the British with all their resources insisted on cutting through thickets, man-eaters, tribes with different temperaments, mountains and rift valleys to get to Uganda, the Pearl of Africa. I cannot even begin to get jealous. Idi Amin really did some serious injustice to the country.

Museveni. My fellow Kenyans, I was mistaken about him. This president is brilliant, very sharp and focused for his age (73) and he does not read speeches. At least he did not read one here. We were at the Africa Blockchain Conference when I changed my mind. Let’s try to forget that our gadgets had to be taken away because he was in the building and focus on this: He was speaking about blockchain and cryptocurrencies from a very informed perspective, referring to handwritten notes he had been making throughout. Before he stood up to speak, the Bank of Uganda governor had read out a very scary speech which had me wondering why we were there in the first place. You know, the usual we will not entertain anything that is about crypto because it is scam. Enter the president. He urged the governor to be more inquisitive about such technologies – not to be dogmatic – and then broke down the blockchain concept in such an easy-to-understand way that I felt challenged. I have been doing everyone who has asked me about bitcoin and blockchain an injustice the past four years. I can now break it down in one simple sentence from the president: The blockchain is like a global organization/sacco in which people trust each other, put everything in public record books so that anyone anywhere can know how many bulls Museveni has in I-don’t-know-where. He spoke a lot of Baganda too, so 5% of the jokes were lost on that.

Allow me to digress a bit. For some strange reason the conference organizers chose to have scams over too, exhibiting and all that. And that is exactly who the Ugandan media chose to interview too. This beats the whole point of trying to educate people about the benefits of new technologies. Dear Ugandans, please stay away from OneLife/OneCoin and any other thing that cheats you out of your money. Seriously. Fight the urge to get easy money. I mean, even a simple Google search tells you what is a scam and what is not very easily. The funny thing is we keep telling people to stay away from these schemes, even in Kenya, but get-rich-quick schemes always have followers. And things always go south. End of digression.

At one point, we went to this French place in a very upmarket part of Kampala. Holy Crepe. From the moment we sat down, in addition to a beautiful view of the residential Kampala, all we saw were people jogging up and down the hill. At 5PM. I found that very strange. At another point, a friend took me to another hotel, Mestil Hotel & Residences. I would expect the prices to be off the roof, and again, I was shocked. A good meal here ranges from USh 28,000 USh to 35,000 UGX. Brethren, this is way under KSh 1000. Sijui nirudi Uganda?

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But on the other hand, that money is confusing. You have so many zeroes in your pocket, but you literally have very little money. It confused me the whole time I was trying to pay for some stuff. I had to keep reaching out to Google to help me convert to Kenya Shillings to see if I was being ripped off. Then every time you get into a taxi (apparently, they also refer to matatus as taxis), the driver will close the windows very fast and rhetorically ask if you want your phone to be snatched. Turns out this is the order of the day in Kampala. Nairobi you are not alone. I also gave up on Uber here and stuck to Taxify. For some reason the latter drivers have it together than their Uber counterparts.

Also, there is no way I am spending my life on bodas. Bodas are so part of the system, there is UberBoda. I had to get on bodas thrice that week. The first time, I felt like I was going to go nuts. I never touch the rider leave alone hold on to him, so I have to find something to grip behind me. And all along way, you see women sitting sideways on these things. I am like, are you kidding me? And helmets are not a thing here either. The second time was riding down to Owino market because everyone in Kenya could not shut up about that place. First of all, it’s not all that but clothing is actually pretty cheap. Everything is under 1000 bob. No one has a mirror or a fitting room when you try on stuff because apparently, they are all doing it wholesale. *Rolls eyes repeatedly* I did not spend too much time here, because we were running a tight schedule, but it reminded me of a lesser organized Eastleigh. And that is saying a lot because Eastleigh is NOT organized. Did I mention the seller dudes who grab your arms and not let go like they are your boyfriends? That annoyed me bigtime. Hata afadhali makanga wa Kenya sasa. Also, people in the market try to speak some Swahili unlike everyone else Kampala. Or probably these are just the same Kenyans we know here.

I might keep going on and on – the little bit of Uganda I experienced felt so different yet so much like home – so let me stop. And I bet I only caught a glimpse – I have not done the city any writing justice. Yet. You can only learn and see so much in a few days.

Road trip to Jinja, anyone? I am ready to see more of Uganda. 🙂

Kampala Goodness Someone keeps saying I should do more travel pieces, but I keep fighting it, in the spirit of keeping things under wraps.

#Blockchain #Travel and Tourism #Uganda #Work

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3one3 · 7 years ago

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I'm so so so confused right now. Let me get this straight, your crush now seems to be mutual? Like he's asking you out now?! How'd this all come about?!

No one is more confused than me. This has turned into an inexplicable situation. Get a cup of tea or a glass or water, and maybe a snack, and find a comfortable position because this is a long story.

I was over there yesterday for my usual Saturday morning chill time. The other guy who works there (we’ll call him The Babysitter), who I talk to all the time, came up to me about an hour after I got there and said “[the crush] (we’ll call him The Pacifier, because he’s basically a child) wants to know if you want to come with us to the casino tonight” and I was so taken aback that I just said “Why?” I also turned 12 shades of tomato and made skeptical faces. The Babysitter then called The Pacifier over and made him ask me himself. There were some other people there too. Other guys that work there, one of which is related to The Pacifier, and were presumably going on this outing as well. It was weird because it was like everyone was gathered to watch, and I really wished I had been spying on them in the moments beforehand because you know, body language. And so The Babysitter is like “She asked why, so tell her why,” but I got no explanation. Just details. I assume he was trying to get him to say explicitly that he wanted to hang out with me, but I dunno. The Pacifier asked if I wanted to go and said they were leaving at 11 because one of them was working until then, and I could tell he felt super awkward about it, but he always sounds super awkward when he talks to me. There was some back and forth between him and The Babysitter about it being so late. I said sure, I’ll go. Then everyone went about their business. I freaked out inside because lol how did this happen? And I was trying to stop being bright red, and trying not to hurry to grab my phone and tell the two people (plus you guys) who know about the crush situation. A little while later, The Pacifier brought me a new cappuccino for no apparent reason and took away the first one. I thought, aww. I hang out a while longer to watch the tennis and stuff, and when I left I told The Babysitter to text me about later, because he has my number.

Now, let me back up a tiny bit. I think The Babysitter has known for a while that I have a small thing for The Pacifier. A few weeks ago I asked him if my number was still in his phone and if he’d know it was from me if I texted him later. We hadn’t texted in like a year. And he got all excited because he’s always hitting on me and trying to get me to go out drinking with him and I’m always “lol never”. And I said to him “chill out, it has nothing to do with you”. Then I left. My intention was to maybe ask him a question about The Pacifier, but I didn’t even know what the question was going to be, and I pretty much decided against it soon anyway. The only reason I considered it was that it might get my interest on The Pacifier’s radar if I leaked it to The Babysitter.

A while later I went to the grocery store across the street and The Babysitter was standing outside the restaurant waiting for his ride when I was finished shopping. He shouted to me across the street. He’d been calling me for a few mins but I don’t have service in the store. I was like ugh great. Naturally he hurried over when I crossed the street and wanted to know what I was going to text him about. I said I was going to ask him a question about someone but never mind, forget it, it doesn’t matter, I can’t because you’d make fun of me forever. He texted me after a bunch of times trying to get me to ask the question. I said nope.

Then I went in for lunch on Tuesday because I was off for the holiday and had nothing to do. I knew only The Babysitter works that shift. He makes shitty cappuccinos lol so I had iced coffee. When I was getting ready to leave, he asked me if I wanted another iced coffee and I was like “No, I want a delicious cappuccino. I miss The Pacifier. What does he do when he’s not here?” and he said “I don’t know. Do you want his number? You can ask him”. And I obviously giggled and deflected and said “no, that would be weird”. Also I sensed maybe a hint of frustration from him. Oh also a few days before that I casually asked him how old The Pacifier is, but he was hardly paying attention anyway. And one time a while ago I said something like “Pfft, you think I come here for you? I come here for The Pacifier and his beautiful eyes and delicious cappuccinos”. The next time I was there he deliberately embarrassed me by telling The Pacifier I said it tastes better when I he makes it. Anyway.

Back to last night. I text The Babysitter around 8 30, “what’s the plan?” He writes back, “[The Pacifier] says next time, he’s too tired”. I had been legit reeling all day because reasons, so I was actually kind of like phew. And I told him “good lol I don’t want to get out of bed”. I’d been trying to nap because I would have died if we went out at 11. Then I realized that I didn’t want to play games and try to be too cool for school. So I added a clarification that that means “oh. 😔” in girl-speak. The Babysitter apologized and blamed The Pacifier. Hours later he starts texting me like where are you, what are you doing, do you want to go get beers, I want to be the mosquitos that are eating you, and a bunch of other ew. As usual, my response was “never happening”. And I asked him repeatedly if The Pacifier actually wanted to invite me out or if it was really just him who wanted me to go and he knew I would say no if he asked but I would probably say yes to The Pacifier. He acted like he didn’t understand the question. And he sounded drunk anyway. And his English isn’t 100%.

Fast forward to this morning. I head over after F1 to have my coffee and read shit on my phone and whatever. As soon as I sit down, The Babysitter greets me and I think straight away jumps in with excuses for The Pacifier, telling me what time he left work and everything. I was like whatever I don’t care. In reality I was a little disappointed but it was fine. I really didn’t want to spend money going out anyway, and the place is hard to get to/from, so I had been dreading the logistics. But I expected a casual apology from The Pacifier when he brings my coffee. He always makes it for me when I walk in. I don’t even have to ask. Today, The Babysitter had to tell him a bunch of times to make it, and eventually he makes my special coffee and then GIVES IT TO SOMEONE ELSE TO BRING TO ME, so I’m like ugh this is bad. He’s probably so embarrassed.

But then he went out of his way to pretend I wasn’t even there. He took detours to other parts of the restaurant and literally hid somewhere instead of hanging out behind the bar. When he had to walk behind me, he speed-walked. If my head was even slightly turned in the direction he was coming from, he looked the other way while he walked by. I WAS MORTIFIED. Did he never want me to go in the first place and now he’s like ugh god why is she here what do I do? Is he not even a decent enough person to apologize for canceling, regardless of the circumstances? He’s really young, and he really is shy, so I was like errr maybe he’s just terrified of me? I don’t know. People say I’m intimidating. And I legitimately never show him any sign that I have this raging crush on him. But I’m also kind of hurt. And mad. And confused.

I also didn’t sleep last night. At all. Sometimes I get this crazy level 9000 racing thoughts thing and it’s like torture and I cant sleep. So I was cranky and exhausted, which means melodrama inside. I was trying so hard not to outwardly emote the confusion, anger, hurt, etc. because come on, I’m not even supposed to care. I have a wonderful bf. The Pacifier is just weekend morning entertainment. The Babysitter even comes over and tells me not to be sad, and I’m like I’M NOT SAD I’M TIRED OK?

Then everything gets worse because I see this little dark silver haired lady with a cane walk by and it reminds me of my mom and I miss my mom every day and I’m like on the verge of tears because of my mom but I’m thinking about how everyone in the fucking place is going to think I’m crying over the stupid child who makes me coffee and stood me up for a group hang. I even texted my bff and explained the emergency situation and asked her to send me pics of cute ponies, STAT. She didn’t get the message right away. Instead, I watched this ESPN show about a little boy in london with a horrifying muscular disorder who found a best buddy in an Anatolian shepherd that was TIED TO GODDAMN TRAIN TRACKS AND HIT BY A TRAIN. He lost a hind leg and his tail. They’re best bros now. I got over myself.

And then out of nowhere, The Pacifier delivers to me a new cappuccino (the first one was way below his usual standard btw, like he was nervous when he made it or something, and I hadn’t even come close to finishing it) and smiles and says “here you go, Ashley” like everything is totally normal. When I saw him coming I was like oh crap how do I behave? Should I give him the cold shoulder? Laugh and ask him what happened last night? Make a joke about him ignoring me, or being too chicken to bring the first one? I didn’t have time to make a well thought out decision. I just smiled awkwardly and said thank you. I’m pretty sure I looked as mortified as I felt. But then I did feel slightly better I guess.

Time passes. The Babysitter comes over to refill my water and he said he liked my nails, and then asked if they’re called nails. I don’t know, man. His English isn’t THAT bad. Then he’s like, “Can I come home with you and you can teach me better English?” and I laugh and say “there is only one person there invited home with me and you know who it is”, and he straight up says back “yeah but he doesn’t want to, so why not give me a chance?” and I straight up wanted to die. I don’t even know if that was a throw away comment or if he was really saying The Pacifier has no interest whatsoever. If it’s the latter, what the hell was that whole thing about yesterday? I’M SO CONFUSED. I don’t get any of it. I texted The Babysitter after I left- “Why did you make him go through that whole charade yesterday?”- and he hasn’t responded. Usually he does. Usually he never misses an opportunity to send me gross messages back.

Theory #1: Did he realize I have a lame crush on The Pacifier and think it would make me happy if he invited me to hang out? If he did, what did he think was going to happen when it was clear that The Pacifier didn’t actually want to invite me or have anything to do with me????? How was that going to play out? Did he just assume I would have said no?

Theory #2: Did he realize I have a lame crush on The Pacifier and, knowing how shy he is, want to help him get some ass, and talked him into inviting me out? But The Pacifier didn’t really want to and didn’t want any help but gave in because peer pressure? Honestly I can’t imagine he truly struggles for female attention. He is physically attractive, polite, sweet, and perfectly charming to literally everyone but me.

Theory #3: The Babysitter wanted me to go and knew I would only say yes to The Pacifier. Honestly this seems unlikely because it makes no logistical sense. Even when The Pacifier was out of the plans, he could have suggested the rest of us go if that was his motivation all along.

Theory #4: It’s a little of everything and there is no consistent motivational pattern in anything The Babysitter did, and by seeing everything through his lens and looking at what he’s doing, I’m just confusing myself. Is he like Donald Trump and just has no consistent strategy? Did he want to help The Pacifier out, help me out, and then also let his own interest get involved at times during this saga? Was he just mis-communicating stuff because he’s an idiot?

I don’t know anything, and I want to know everything. Especially about the last part of today. I want to know if he said “he doesn’t want to” because A) The Pacifier actually said that, B) he assumes it’s true because The Pacifier didn’t follow through last night, C) he was just saying it to help himself, or D) he had no real reason to say it at all and it was totally a throwaway comment.

Auxiliary Theory: The Pacifier actually is interested and really is just super shy and really did just want to go home after work last night and really did feel bad and awkward today and chickened out for a while. Naturally I think this is the least likely scenario, but also the one I most want to be true. 😐 Would everything have been better/more clear if *I* had just not been a chicken, and opened my mouth, and asked The Pacifier what was up?

I don’t know, but I’m exhausted.

POST SCRIPT: I GOT MY ANSWER/S. Totally by accident.

My phone doesn’t work in my apartment. Anything wifi does obvi but I can’t take calls. No network coverage. So I wander around outside. I’d been wandering on a business call for over an hour, not paying attention to anything around me. As I walk by the front entrance to zee restaurant, chatting away, guess who walks out. Yep. It was The Pacifier. I didn’t notice until the point where it would have been awkward if I turned around and said heyyyy so I kept walking but sort of lingered not far away, and then I turned around to start wandering back, and caught his eye, and we waved cordially. I did more talking, but stayed beyond where he sat down to eat his takeaway and wait for his ride or something, so that I’d have reason to walk by him again. I finished my call and put on my figurative big girl pants and went right over to sit next to him and get my fucking answer. It went like this.

313: “Heyyyy”

TP: “Hey!” *he didn’t seem alarmed and I was thus reassured*

“What’s up?”

“How are you?”

“I’m good. So, I have to ask you an awkward question.” I maintained my friendliest smile, I hope. He maintained his uncomfortable awkward one.

“Okay.”

“Did [The Babysitter] make you invite me to go out yesterday?” I said it kind of knowingly, and smiling, and while maintaining eye contact. He started to say something, but then said…

“Wait, say it again?”

“Did [The Babysitter] make you ask me to go to the casino or whatever you were doing?”

“He’s always doing that. He always tries. You know, all the girls. He enjoys it.” *more laughing and discomfort* The point being that The Babysitter is always harassing The Pacifier to ask girls out. I should have asked how many times he’s actually listened to him and done it. Anyway.

“Yeah, I know. He’s a pain in the ass.”

“Yeah.” I think he kind of relaxed when he realized I wasn’t mad or about to cry or something.

“Okay, I’ll leave you be! Have a good night.”

“Good night!”

/scene

I feel much better now. Though I wish I had been like well if you ever DO *want* to hang out with me, I would like to hang out with you 😊 and I love casinos. Or something. Buuuut I didn’t. I also could have told him that he has beautiful eyes and a lovely smile and that I would like him to cast his beautiful eyes my way and be the reason he smiles, and make *him* coffee sometime. But I’m not Julia Roberts, or suicidal. Also, I have developed this burning desire to make him pancakes. I don’t even know if he likes pancakes. I should have asked him if he actually did want me to go out with them, but that woulda been weird, right? I also felt bad ambushing him on the sidewalk while he was eating.

From now on, NO MORE BABYSITTER.

#Anonymous

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brittanyyycook · 8 years ago

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There isn’t a P.O box in heaven.

I was eight years when I lost my sister, having gone my whole life now nearly saying things like

“I was lucky enough to lose everyone I loved very young.”

I somehow forgot how stupid that sounds.

We weren’t really even that close, just some weekends here and there, some holidays, some not. I just remember when she did die, when she really wasn’t ever coming over again it didn’t feel any different than any other day. And I spend a good amount of my time trying to figure out if I feel guilty about that, or I want myself to feel guilty about not feeling guilty.

People dying is funny, not in the sense where you see me smile or hear me put out a laugh.

Funny in the sense of irony, because you can be eight years old and told your sister is dead and not feel a thing. And then you’re eighteen years old vividly remembering the way she used to smell when she came over, just because you passed someone who carried the same scent and all of a sudden it’s like she was right there and the weight you were supposed to feel when you first lost her somehow found its way on your chest and in your head and you’re wishing you were wise enough then to understand what a loss it really was. I went through so many things growing up that I shouldn’t have, and it’s wishful thinking, or maybe just a way of coping with stuff that I let my mind bounce around the idea of “If she was still here, she wouldn’t have let this happen” you know, giving myself my own personal guardian.

“You, my love, have been appointed, I trust you with my life and you will guide me through my choices.”

She has no idea, but I granted her all the power years ago. Probably more than she can handle some days. I unfairly curse at her for not doing a better job sometimes, when I’ve had enough and the storm keeps coming. I send the highest praises when I’m finally getting some relief, shooting smiles up to heaven thinking “FINALLY, you’ve got it. You’ve got me. My love! My love!” I gave her all the power years ago.

At first the thought of our fathers seemingly disgusting disregard of your honor made me sick. I frown and squeem trying to possibly understand what type of sick fuck would name another daughter after his dead daughter. But as I’ve grown to love and know the sweetest little pea, It’s found a peace in my heart that I’m now okay with. She can carry your name, and that’s okay with me.

I remember dumb things about you, your k-swiss shoes that have minimal value but high sentiment. Because dad got them for you. And I know now how rare it is for that man to follow through or provide anything. I get it now, the sentiment. Why those shoes were so important, why you loved them so much. You were some weeks shy of your eighteenth birthday, ironic isn’t it. That I was eighteen before i really even felt what losing you was. And when i finally started to realize what kind of man our “father” really was, or what kind of man he wasn’t. So at eighteen i understand, those damn k-swiss. “Don’t step on my k-swiss girl” I remember that, lol.

I remember you loved winnie the pooh, the cutest thing. Because I bought a winnie the pooh towel later in my life just because I remember that you loved him. And to this day, matter of fact, this morning even. I use it and subconsciously cherish it. Oh my love. Sixteen years passed so fast, I was eight years old when you left, eighteen when I finally felt your absence and eight years later i can still feel it. Your namesake is eight now too. Ironic isn’t it.

I remember being annoyed at all the luggage you’d bring when you stayed, being annoyed at sharing my space or my room, being annoyed at the playful way you’d make fun of all the weight I’d carry with me. Jellyroll, annoyed me then, but I’d love to hear it now. I wonder what you’d turn out like, if you would have lived longer, if somehow we could have made you healthy. Would we get along as adults? Would you live close by? I wonder if I would be any different, if you would be any different. I spend most my time wondering about that. All your luggage you’d bring, I really am an asshole. Your luggage wasn’t luggage, it was medicine and breathing machines, it was layers of clothes and special foods. All your luggage. Fuck, I’m an asshole. At eight years old you were just a burden to me, I didn’t really understand half siblings, didn’t understand anything i guess. You were here sometimes and you weren’t sometimes. I loved having a sister, I really did. I was excited, especially since the new sibling I got was another boy. Having a sister was great, but you seemed closer with my brother than you were with me. Because of age, i understand that now too. But you liked him more, and you were a burden….I guess for those thoughts I am guilty, well now I am. I do feel bad for thinking of you in that light I guess, I feel bad for not realizing how sick you really were. But I was eight, so what did you expect?

I miss you sometimes, it’s weird.

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eatpraylovecreate · 8 years ago

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I was lucky enough to meet my husband in 2011. After years of dating and not finding anyone that was long-term marriage material.I felt like giving up at times. My friends encouraged me to get back out there and start meeting new people and dating after breaking off an engagement. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done but thank goodness I did. We were not the right fit and I do not believe in divorce. Jeff my husband actually reached out to me for a couple of months via emails and texts before we finally made time to meet in person. When we met he was wrapping up a divorce which is hard for anyone to go through especially when you have kids. I was a true single mom raising my son on my own no dad in the picture ever. So I was definitely a package deal and I was not going to settle.I wanted to find a man of great character that shared similar interests and loved kids and family as much as me. Jeff and I had such busy schedules that we finally decided instead of waiting any longer to meet we would have him meet me and my son for lunch and a movie. This could be made or break depending on how he interacted with my son. All went well and I was very attracted to him both physically and his personality.We went on about three dates with my son before we were able to go out on our own. It was highly anticipated and we were both looking forward to some real-time to get to know each other on our own. It was summer so I got a spray tan and we were supposed to go out the next evening, But Jeff asked if we could move up the date and I warned him I was quite dark from my tan since I just got it done. He was warned but when I opened my door when he arrived he was taken back lol. Guess I was a little darker than he expected. He planned a nice dinner for us at his favorite restaurant 3rd Corner Wine and Bistro. Conversation was going great chemistry was definitely there. We took a nice romantic walk after at the local park and a cute little duck family was waddling behind us. It went so well that he asked if he could join me and my son at the Beach the next day. I was a little nervous about that. Mainly because I did like him, and a full day outing with my son would be very telling it would either be a great experience and bring us closer or be awful and end things abruptly. Well the day went like this he picked us up we drove to Newport Beach and had a full day of fun in the sun. Made sand castles and played in the surf even saw some dolphins. After a full day of fun my son and i were covered in sand and there were no outdoor showers in sight so we looked liked a couple of bums. So my guy was such a trooper taking us to dinner and we were still hitting it off and my son had a blast. As summer went on we did many day trips and weekends away together the three of us. We had plenty of adult dates as well. We were falling in love and we were falling fairly fast. We were moving at a snail’s pace physically both because my now husband is such a gentlemen and because we liked each other we both wanted everything to be special. Two great spots he introduced us to was June Lake, which is up just past Mammoth. As well as Newport Dunes a great RV park which is a great place to take your family. At the end of summer we were exchanging I love you’s and getting more serious. Jeff even came to Brandon’s kindergarten back to school night. We had the night to ourselves had a great dinner and we had a special weekend planned the day after to Laguna Beach. I was at my brink for holding out physically it had been over 6 months of dating so it was time to be intimate. Jeff is very romantic so I know his plan was to do it right in Laguna but I let him know that night after dinner I should spend the night. I did and it was fantastic. That sealed the deal I was sure I had found the man of my dreams. We went to Laguna the next day and it was a great trip. I laugh though I am not a big drinker and part of our first night was wine tasting and then a decadent meal. Needless to say after getting into a sexy little number I quickly felt ill and hugged the toilet all night lol. So un romantic I felt like medusa and felt like he was going to leave me. But I was just insecure and he loved me and he was so sweet to me. The next day we went on a fabulous Whale watching outing and we saw a huge Grey whale and dolphins and it was absolutely perfect. Both of us share birthdays in September so the next couple of weekends we went away. First for my birthday he took us to The Mission Inn, In riverside California. This place is incredible, We enjoyed the spa day as a couple and had a terrific streak dinner at Duane’s steakhouse which is on site. We even talked about how great this location would be to get married at. The following weekend we went to Universal Studios for his birthday trip and had so much fun. He actually had us go into Tiffany & Company to look at engagement rings. I was on cloud 9. We were going strong all the way through the holidays. I spent christmas eve with his family and he spent christmas day with mine. But out of no where he pulled away he broke it off. We kept in touch but obviously by friends and family were wary of his ability to commit since he had some emotional baggage from all the pain of his divorce. We ran into each other later in March and it looked like we were going to get back together. But he totally backed off. I got hurt and upset and started to feel like I was done dating and just wanted to raise my son and think about love once he graduated. During that year I did end up going on dates but had no interest no one could get me to spark I was still in love with Jeff no matter how much he broke my heart. By the end of the year we went on a few dinner dates together then I found out he was having a long distance relationship with another woman. I was devastated and I figured I needed to be honest after the New Year when he called me and I needed to tell him I still loved him and see if that meant anything to him. We had lunch I laid it all out on the table and he said he wished me well. But he was happy and in a good relationship. I later found out he broke it off with her shortly after we had our lunch. So I must have had some impact on him. But I was content on my own and staying busy with my son and life. I ended up moving into a new house ran into him and he offered to help me move. That was sweet so I accepted his help and soon after he was wanting to date. I was still in love but so hurt. So I was beyond weary and hesitant. After we dated about a month I had a serious talk with him and told him we should end it. Unless he knew without a doubt that I was the woman for him and that he wanted to marry me and one day be a family with my son and I . He said we were what he wanted and he knew now more than ever. So we moved forward and just a couple of months later he took me on our first big vacation he and I flew to Hawaii he was doing the Waikiki rough water swim over labor day 2013. Everyone expected him to propose to me on that trip. That did not happen but it was a phenomenal trip and he bought me a beautiful necklace a Tiffany & Company. We did a Shark dive which I was very nervous about doing but it was amazing and I am so happy I did it. Just a month later he found out he needed to go up to June Lake to live to run his family business when he lost a manager. I was doing great at my job and things were great with my son and with Jeff and I. So I was wondering if this would end our union. But he asked me what I thought about him moving up there and I mentioned that, I loved our time up there and would not mind living up there. That sealed the deal for him he was so cautious about commitment since his heart was broken when his ex-wife ended there nearly 20 year marriage. He told me it was just a matter of time and he’d be proposing. We talked about my son finishing up his school year until June and then us joining him up there to live. He came down and spent Thanksgiving with me and took me out with his family. Then I did not see him again until close to christmas. When New Years rolled around I knew it was going to be a monumental night. My gut told me this was the night he was going to propose. I wore a beautiful gown my parents picked up my son and said they would keep him overnight. Jeff picked me up and was taking me to his favorite restaurant 3rd corner wine and bistro. It was odd he took a wrong street it was possibly from nerves or to stall I will never know for sure. But when we arrived and the hostess was leading us to our table I looked up and saw my parents my son and his whole family there. He immediately took to his knee spoke some beautiful words to me and asked for my hand in marriage. I immediately said yes and I was in such a dream like state of bliss and happiness. We were married March, 28 2014 and it will be three years this March. I love my husband more with each passing day. I am so blessed to have my true love.

Love of my life I was lucky enough to meet my husband in 2011. After years of dating and not finding anyone that was long-term marriage material.I felt like giving up at times.

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