#man feudal era type shit is fucked up

[kakuzhu]

and as a follow-up to my post on the country takigakure is in, which I decided to call monsoon country or land of monsoons, here’s a meta post on the general culture and composition of takigakure itself. 

as stated in the other headcanon, takigakure is canonically the only village outside of the 5 main villages (those being, of course, konohogakure, sunagakure, kirigakure, kumogakure, and iwagakure) to receive a tailed beast during the time of the first shinobi war. this act was done by hashirama senju in an attempt to provide a power balance between the strongest villages, which implies that takigakure, despite being in a smaller country and therefore with fewer resources and a smaller population, was in serious contention with the other great nations in terms of combat prowess. it was also stated in anime canon that takigakure has never been successfully invaded despite its smaller size. 

in my meta about the land of monsoons’ environment, I described the natural fortifications that made this possible. however, in this post, among other things, I will describe what cultural expectations set forth by the takigakure people themselves were and why they also heavily contributed to takigakure’s strength and persistence to this day. this also gives some insight to kakuzu’s past and all the many cultural things that went into his assassination attempt on hashirama senju as well as his subsequent imprisonment. 

takigakure apparently prides itself for producing strong ninjas as well as never having been invaded (according to the anime). coupled with the fact that the country itself is very small and presumably poorer compared to the other great nations, therefore, I assume the culture in takigakure is extremely militant and very strict. mind, it is not as bad as kirigakure got, especially the tradition of killing off fellow students upon graduation. this was partially because the takigakure never got that brutal, but also because they had a much smaller population and could not afford such traditions, anyway. in lieu of this, there were few civilians in takigakure; most citizens were shinobi and were encouraged to be shinobi since youth. 

in takigakure, failure was extremely frowned upon and often referred to as a “luxury”. it emphasized typical, stereotypical shinobi values: individuals were meant to be used as tools, and represent the village and should behave appropriately. those that brought back failed missions, commissions, or other bounties were appropriately reprimanded and punished. these punishments ranged from simply being relegated to D-rank missions for some period of time to full out exile and imprisonment depending on the severity. the latter was incredibly rare, and typically, more common punishments were cuts in pay, rations, or additional menial task work added to the person’s duties. demotions were also given out when appropriate. 

ultimately, however, what kept shinobi in takigakure from failing was the culture of high expectations. individuals from takigakure took their roles as shinobi seriously and often had high success and kill rates. that said, shinobi from takigakure were often under a lot of stress, and most could accurately be described as perfectionists. this stress about success, in particular, was due to the fact that takigakure was almost constantly concerned about being invaded and absorbed by one of the other great nations. during kakuzu’s time in takigakure, the village was incredibly sparse but emphasized most of its resources on military spending. by the naruto time period, however, during relative peace, takigakure had loosened its stringent policies somewhat. 

takigakure, ergo, lauded its strongest shinobi and held them in high regard particularly during its earlier years. they are considered true representatives of the village and of the country, and to become so respected, they likely embodied the most core shinobi values. kakuzu, during his time, was publicly acknowledged as one of the strongest takigakure shinobi for his earth spear prowess, as well as for his impressive work ethic, practical attitude, and serious personality and presence. he also fought during the last years of the Warring States Period, which also gave him combat credibility and gave him some authority as a veteran. 

while it would probably not be considered as such in the modern naruto time period, during kakuzu’s time, the order to be sent to kill hashirama senju was considered an honor. this mission not only acknowledged that the elders considered kakuzu strong enough a shinobi to carry out this mission (along with any others that were on it with him), but believed him a true enough shinobi to accept a widely accepted suicide mission. everyone in takigakure knew this would likely be a mission that kakuzu and any allies would not walk away from whole, but the perfect shinobi takes the most impossible mission no matter how bleak. the bestowing of this mission onto kakuzu, therefore, marked him as what was considered the height of shinobi excellence in takigakure. 

this is also why kakuzu was immediately ostracized upon returning to takigakure alive and having failed his mission. now, in my opinion, kakuzu would not have returned to takigakure willingly. my current working headcanon is that kakuzu was heavily wounded in his fight against hashirama, and hashirama, unwilling to kill a downed man, ordered him to be nursed back to relative health and sent back to takigakure to be dealt with there. now, in doing this, it’s assumed hashirama didn’t know the extent of takigakure’s policies---and that kakuzu was sent back forcibly, which I think would make the most sense; I seriously doubt that kakuzu would willingly want to go back to takigakure after such a horrendous failure---because it was considered a huge failure, and on top of it, kakuzu was scorned for being alive after the attempt. he was given the mission to complete or die trying, as is expected of any shinobi. returning alive---and nursed back to health by the enemy on top of it---was the height of dishonor. further, with this assassination attempt and subsequent return of kakuzu by konohagakure’s hand, the takigakure were at a disadvantageous political position against them; not only did they attempt to kill the hokage, but they were done a kindness in return, which meant any repeat attempts would, in their opinion, probably guarantee a full out war or pressure on trade routes, etc.

as a result, kakuzu was thrown into prison, stripped of his rank, and tattooed. the tattoos around his arms are reminiscent of those that were commonly used in the japanese edo period, if my reading is correct, to mark criminals. I’m pretty sure it’s widely accepted in the fandom, therefore, that kakuzu’s tattoos are for similar reasons, and most also agree he was given them in takigakure prison (whether or not this was confirmed in some data book or something, I don’t know). so, the fact that he was given them, along with the fact that he was pitied by the enemy (at least, by his interpretation; hashirama was probably really just trying to be being nice) and having to return alive and whole to face his village, was the height of kakuzu’s utter humiliation. he was degraded here; these tattoos were more akin to a branding, and totally ostracized him from his community---which was, of course, the point. this is just an example of the most severe form of punishment from the takigakure. of course, since kakuzu’s break from prison and the general nature of it, I doubt the takigakure tried to do something as harsh as that again. 

ultimately, takigakure strove to produce shinobi that were the very definition of what it meant to be a ninja: die for your village, be a weapon, and always complete the mission. because of the added pressure of being a very small country surrounded by greater ones, the takigakure in particular had stringent policies that all shinobi had to abide by. this was an effort to preserve the village’s territory, renown, and culture. but these days, takigakure is nowhere near as strict. while they still have high expectations for their shinobi, they do not have punishments as severe as this, and do not deny things such as food or other basic necessities for failure.

other fun facts of the village that are not directly related to the military culture: 

the village sits at the base of a large tree in the land of monsoons, but there are also homes in its very thick branches and in its canopies. treehouses are not uncommon in takigakure, and in fact sometimes provide good watchtower vantage points during wartime. 

takigakure’s prisons are below the ground, in the caverns that run alongside the waterfall that blocks the valley’s entrance and under the river that drops into. as a result, the prisons are damp and usually very cold---a stark contrast to the typical humidity of monsoon country. it was here kakuzu was imprisoned. 

the takigakure also hide some of their most prized possessions and forbidden technique in these caverns. only high-ranked shinobi know the layout of these caverns. otherwise, they are hard to navigate because of the darkness. this is where kakuzu stole the forbidden technique: earth grudge fear when he broke out. 

because of the general heat of the country, most shinobi uniforms from takigakure composed of sleeveless tops, shorts, or other light, breathable material that would not get damp too quickly. 

most monsoon country natives have water or earth-release affinities. 

like all hidden villages, takigakure ninjas have specialized techniques to suit their environment. almost, if not all, shinobi use chakra to repel the constant rain at all times, and many have mastered jutsus to completely disappear in the pouring rain. some of the most unique animal summons also come from the land of monsoons, and the takigakure shinobi probably have the most various and diverse types of summons of any country.

takigakure is not particularly advanced in medical ninjutsu, but has progressed far in medicines because of the vast variety of plant and animal life around it. their medicine to encourage longer life to reliving aches to just curing cold symptoms have grown to be one of their most lucrative exports. conversely, they also have knowledge of incredibly deadly poisons. 

[hirazuki]

Ooo I'm curious about your hot takes on the Inuyasha reboot after reading your tags 👀

Ahaha, where to start XD Idk if they are hot takes, but here are my thoughts in bullet point form for coherency, I couldn’t figure out how else to organize them. Under a cut, as usual, because it got lengthy... as usual :D

We are 13 episodes in, and I still have no idea wtf is going on or what the series is actually about. And yes, I’m aware that we didn’t know of Naraku’s existence or of the overarching plot until at least episode 16 of that series either and Inuyasha was still very episodic in nature at that early point too, but here’s the thing: Inuyasha did not build upon a pre-existing series. For better or for worse, Yashahime has certain expectations to live up to that the original anime didn’t, by virtue of its being a sequel. Unfair? Maybe, but tough; that’s what happens when you make a sequel. Additionally, despite us not knowing The Main Plot™ of Inuyasha until later, the basic framework for it was laid out clearly by... episode 2? I think? Find and collect the Shikon Jewel shards. Boom, done. Were there distractions or fillers? Sure, but you never got the sense that the characters simply up and forgot about the shards. Even in fillers, the shards often made some kind of appearance. With Yashahime, there’s like three potential storylines going on: 1. The most obvious: most of our main cast from the OG is missing; where are they? Apparently no one in-story cares! :D Inuyasha, who’s that lol. I’m all for a sequel focusing on the new generation with cameos of the old crew; after all, they already had their own series. But this is like... no one cares about them? No one talks about them? And the more characters go about not mentioning them, the stronger their absence is felt. Like, for instance, Kaede knows Moroha is InuKag’s daughter. Moroha grew up on her own, doesn’t know her parents. Kaede doesn’t mention them to Moroha, doesn’t even spare a passing thought about them for the audience’s benefit, Moroha doesn’t ask. Kagome’s family in the present day meet Moroha, recognize her as Kagome’s daughter and... say nothing??? Souta shows Towa Kagome and Inuyasha’s old photos, but doesn’t say a word to Moroha?! Like. It makes no sense. By people not even acknowledging their existence, it makes the fact that they are nowhere to be found even weirder. Also the new gen girls don’t care about their parents or finding out who they were/are... like, okay, it would maybe be in character for one or two of them, but all three don’t give a fuck??? 2. Kirinmaru/the rainbow pearls: Idk how familiar you are with the story, but similar deal with Naraku and the shards here. Kirinmaru is being set up as the villain, still a mysterious figure; our new gen trio is supposed to collect the rainbow pearls that... some of his henchmen have? Or he is after them? Or is that Riku? Unclear. ANYWAY the new gen girls often forget all about the pearls’ existence :D 3. Setsuna’s memories: Setsuna’s dreams have been stolen by the dream butterfly and they need to get them back, because without her dreams she has no memories and is unable to sleep. Cool! Finally a solid, easy-to-follow plot line! Except wait! Towa, who supposedly made it her goal to get Setsuna’s sleep back, forgets all about it! All the time! Like, none of them make an effort to look into this other than being like “oh yeah, know anything about the dream butterfly?” to random folks every now and then. The Inugang back in the day was putting some grad school level research towards their goals, just saying. It just feels like everything’s all wishy-washy and there’s nothing really solid tying the series together. People just remember shit exists when it’s convenient.

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Character development is MIA. I’m not expecting ground-breaking char dev in 13 episodes (though I do know 12 episode series that were phenomenal in that regard), but like... I do expect the series to focus on building the dynamics between the main three characters. So far, the series is more focused on teasing the audience with glimpses and promises of the OG cast instead. The creators are using nostalgia and bait (esp of a certain pairing) to drive interest in the series, rather than developing the new characters as fully-fledged characters for their own sakes. 

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Moroha is was the only thing I actually liked about the series. She is a little spitfire and you can somehow instantly see both Inuyasha and Kagome in her, while she also remains very uniquely herself; I have never seen such a successfully developed main pairing child in any series. She featured quite prominently in the first few episodes -- and unlike both her parents, she’s got a great memory and knowledge of lore -- where she balanced funny moments with badass fighting moments and being the token supernatural encyclopedia. It was great! And then... they’ve like... forgotten her. She’s been left behind so many times by the twins. She’s the butt of every joke. She’s become the type of comic relief that’s, well, insulting. More like a buffoon than anything else. And it’s basically all for the sake of giving the floor to Towa :/

.

Setsuna is okay. Not offensive, but unremarkable. She’s got her dad’s personality but like way toned down due to her different growing up circumstances, which is nice, but like... I feel she isn’t given any room to grow or breathe or anything. She’s also basically there as a device to enhance Towa’s development.

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Towa... oy. I tried to like her, I really did, but she just doesn’t work for me. They set her up having a very Kurosaki Ichigo type deal with beating up bullies and getting into trouble at school and shit -- I’m fine with that. That’s cool. Esp if it’s linked to not feeling like she fits in bc she’s a hanyou? Awesome. Except once she travels back in time to the feudal era it’s all “Oh killing is bad you shouldn’t kill people” and “even though they attacked me I can’t possibly hurt them” and “you need to empathize and talk things out” and “friendship is magic” and shit. It feels like she had a personality transplant, it literally makes no sense. Her design is totally nonsensical too -- out of everyone at her school, she’s the only one dressed in a bright white suit? Do protags not wear the school uniform? Someone should tell Kagome lmao. She’s a pro at hand to hand, and she can absorb demons’ powers and fling them back at them like a personified Tessaiga, and she has a lightsaber sword, and she’s immune to miasma, and -- like... you get it. It’s too much. It’s way too OP for the type of universe that Inuyasha/Yashahime is set in. She’s hanyou for fuck’s sake; remember all the training Inuyasha had to go through? When he couldn’t lift his sword? When his sword attacked him? Sango, Miroku, Kagome, even Sesshomaru all had trouble with their weapons and had to work to become stronger. But Towa? Nope. Towa is straight out of the Yas Queen/Girl Boss manual, so she gets a free pass on everything.

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UGH they are doing the VLD/bad writing thing where things happen (like, BIG THINGS) and none of the characters actually react to them. Or stuff happens and there are no consequences. No one ever talks about anything. It’s wild.

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Everyone has amnesia!! :D People either don’t know or don’t remember anything or anyone. People who absolutely should know things all of a sudden magically don’t know them. Like, Kohaku -- traveled with an undead priestess, spent years in the company of demons, traveled with Sesshomaru... and yet had NO CLUE that Setsuna is Sesshomaru’s daughter or that she is hanyou, despite her living and working with his team of demon slayers all this time. Like... how, man. How. And Kaede! Don’t get me started. Since when does she perpetuate random demon-boogeyman type stories as facts? Demon children will kill each other in the nest so that only the strongest one will survive, therefore Setsuna must have killed Towa when they were infants. O_O What are they, sharks? Has she been hanging out with Kisame? Wtf?? And she’s speaking about Sess’s kids as though she doesn’t know him or anything about him, when she has had Rin under her roof all these years. It just makes. no. sense.

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Things that happened in the original series are happening again now! Because that’s the best we’ve got, recycled plot elements wooo! No, but really, characters that died or things that were resolved in Inuyasha keep coming back. Why? What was the purpose of bringing back Kinka and Ginka? To have a foil for Towa and Setsuna as twins? Someone please tell Sunrise they can just create new characters. Like, it’s one thing to have call backs to the original or cameos, references, whatever. But like... this is entire (dead) characters and interactions.

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No one knows how long it’s been since the original series ended. Fans initially heard 20 years from promo material, then “over 15″ and “10 years since” in-series regarding two different events, and now in a future episode summary we’ve gotten 18 years since Hosenki II gave Inuyasha the black pearl. But like, which black pearl? Because the one in Inuyasha’s eye doesn’t exist anymore, but Hosenki II had told Inuyasha that it would take 100 years for him to produce one. So, are we retconning that or where the fuck did it come from? Also, this doesn’t help one bit, it just confuses things even more. Back to the point, though, we have no coherent timeline or real frame of reference whatsoever, and I’m betting it’s in large part to keep the mystery of who is Sesshomaru’s wife going, as it keeps Rin’s age very vague. Everything is vague and mysterious in Yashahime, to the point where no one knows what’s going on, in fandom or in-story even. It’s kinda like how too much plot twist/shock reveal ruins a story, too much mystery does the same. It’s insane that both shippers and antis of that ship can lay equal claim that the “18 years since” announcement works in their favor.

tl;dr: Idk man, Yashahime is a clusterfuck of a series. Even if the mother of Sess’s twins is either of the characters I ship him with, I will still not like the series. There’s no saving this writing. Every episode feels like this:

[kurara-black-blog]

Terror Of The Ancient Noah Mask

Date: 02/12/18

Words: 2048 *snorts*

Warnings: Klance, Inuyasha AU, Crappy.

Tag: @moonsworllld ; @xarphay ; @skydisneylover ; @mutantgurls ; @spooky-the-owl

A/N: I love Inuyasha, I love Voltron. I love Lance. his is not very good, but I really wanted to write it~

This is episode 11 of the anime!

With his bicycle ready to go, Lance carefully looked around him, trying to spot any red in the middle of the green forest. He was alone, thankfully, no signs of the hothead nearby. With a short relieved sigh, he started pedaling with everything he had, which was a lot, mind you, in direction of the well.

Sadly, Lance didn’t have much luck.

“Wait a second, idiot!”

Lance was able to stop before he rolled over the boy, although a part of him told him he should have just rolled over that annoying dog. Said dog was standing there, looking like the angry bastard he was, violet eyes flashing with a temper.

“You’re going back to that weird world?! Are you trying to run away?! We have shit to do!”

“Oh, out of my way, mullet dog! I have exams to take and I can’t afford to miss them!”

The fact was that Lance had to keep his grades up if he wanted his Exchange Program to go on without any difficulties. He was already risking a lot by not attending class for so long, and maybe Mr. Shirogane was destroying his reputation with all the weird diseases he used as an excuse. Because life couldn’t be hard only in Feudal Era, no, it had to be hard in his world too.

“Well, fuck that! I’ll destroy this so you can’t run away anymore!” Keith—the half-dog—grabbed a large rock, ready to destroy the wooden well. Lance didn’t hesitate.

“Keith, sit!”

Keith stubbornness was no match for Lance’s consecutive commands of “sit”, the boy falling face first on the floor, the rock falling on top of him. He groaned, cursing Lance in between his groans of pain.

“Who said I’m running away, dog?! I’ll be back in three days! Stay here!”

With that, Lance was gone inside the well.

“Why didn’t you bring the dog man with you?”

“No way, that mullet head is impossible to deal with! It was a bother to even come here without him stopping me!” Shoving the last bit of food in his mouth, Lance huffed, “Talking about coming back, Mr. Shirogane, I am glad you worry so much, but can you not throw sake in my head next time?”

The old man only laughed heartily, petting the family cat, Black. Lance smiled softly, it was hard to be angry with the man. He reminded Lance of his own grandpa, all wise eyes and cheekily knowing smiles. Finishing his meal, Lance thanked Mrs. Shirogane, Mr. Shirogane’s daughter, for the food, messed Tsuna’s hair, Mrs. Shirogane’s son, washed his dishes and went to his room to put on his uniform.

It would be a long day at school.

At least his hair didn’t smell like sake anymore.

After a very embarrassing conversation with his friends about his really bad health, and an even more embarrassing encounter with who could be the cutest boy in school about his very poor health, Lance could say with absolute certainty he was done.

“You’re dating Inai?!”

“No.”

“I think he likes you!”

“I know, Taira.”

“Well? Don’t you want to date him?”

“I’m not really interested in dating right now.” It was a complete lie, of course. It is not that Lance didn’t want to date, it is because how could he explain to his boyfriend or girlfriend the reason they couldn’t go out in the next month it’s because he has to go back in time to collect pieces of a super powerful glass ball?

Yeah. No.

Ushijima Amari, Akagawa Taira and Yuhara Natsumi were three kind and funny girls that were glued at the hip even before Lance came in the picture. They had promptly welcomed Lance in their group, and he was forever grateful. He hated feeling like a fish outside water.

Staring at the honestly horrendous slippers Inai Hachiro gave him, Lance wondered if the boy was somehow related to Mr. Shirogane, remembering the old man’s weird medicines and whatnots.

“Could it be… that you are already dating someone?”

“No, no, no! Nope. Not dating. Single as they come.”

“Then, then! What’s your type?”

Lance sighed, knowing they wouldn’t shut up unless he gave them something to satiate their hunger for gossip. He loved the girls, but they could be pretty annoying when they wanted. Not as annoying as Keith, but almost.

“Someone who’s not violent or selfish… Also, someone accepting and affectionate.”

The complete opposite of Keith, go figure.

While Romelle prepared some herbal medicine for a sick villager, Keith grunted. Hot pain pierced his spine every time he tried to get up. That rock really did a number on him.

“Keith, stop laying around and go find information of the Jewel fragments.”

“Shut up, you old witch! Go eat some grass!”

Keith swore that day, laying on the floor of the old priestess’ house, that he would punch Lance in the face as soon as that boy came back from his world.

“Can I sleep here today?” Tsuna asked, interrupting Lance’s studies.

“Of course, if you don’t mind the lights being on.”

That day could, at the very least, be called weird. A sudden fire in one of the deposits, Mr. Shirogane getting hurt and being found passed out with sacred seals all over his face and even inside his mouth, then suddenly one of the firemen trucks taking off like a madman was driving it. As if it wasn’t enough, Mr. Shirogane had recovered the conscience for enough time to mutter some random words about the Meat Mask and how no one should touch it.

Lance surely didn’t blame the boy for not wanting to be alone.

“Something weird is happening, I think. Grandpa wouldn’t do something so weird.”

The older boy opened his mouth to agree, but the sudden noise made him change his plans. Grabbing the flask were he kept the Jewel fragments—it was an instinct to immediately search for them when something happened—, Lance threw himself on Tsuna, protecting him from pieces of what once was a wall.

The basket of a firetruck was struck inside his room, and from it came out something. A creature made of melted blackness, with no defined form. It seemed to leak away and yet gravitate towards its center, that center being a white mask in the middle of the blackness. Painted eyes stared at Lance, carved smile sending shivers down the boy’s spine. The creature’s voice came, smooth and monotone.

“The Jewel… give me… the Jewel…”

“A demon! In this time?” Lance thought, eyes widening, “Must be the jewel’s presence!” As soon as he reached that conclusion, the boy lifted Tsuna in his arms and ran. He had to get out of that house. He had to get Keith. He had no means to fight at the moment, dressed in his cotton pajamas and comfy slippers. He should’ve brought his bow.

He would do that if he survived to see a next time.

Lance did not stop running when the monster attacked, dogging to the best of his abilities. He was glad Mrs. Shirogane was visiting her father in the hospital, he really didn’t want to think what would’ve happened if she was. Stopping for a moment, he put Tsuna down. His bleeding hand-when had he cut himself?—left a trail of blood on the boy’s shirt, but they didn’t have time to worry about it.

“Tsuna, I need you go to the well and get Keith.”

“And you?”

“I’ll distract it until Keith gets here. Please, Tsuna! Go get Keith!”

With that, Lance started to run in another direction, attracting the monster’s attention to him. All he could do was to hope for Keith to come quickly.

If anyone asked, Keith was not anxiously expecting Lance’s return while staring intently at the bottom of the well. He was not.

“How about of going after her instead of staring at the end of the well?”

“Shut up, stupid fox, isn’t it time for you to go to bed?”

“I’m just saying, you should go after her, you know, actually be productive?”

“Pidge, you have five seconds before I kick you back to where you came from.”

The damn fox just smirked, amused by the dog’s temper. Keith opened his mouth to growl out some insult when his nose picked up a familiar smell and his head snapped to look back at the bottom of the well. Pidge looked at him puzzled.

“I can smell… Lance’s blood.” Pidge widened her eyes, staring at what to her was just a normal well. Keith didn’t waste time, preparing to jump inside, “Pidge, go back to Granny Romelle, I’ll go find Lance,” Without giving her time to answer, he jumped.

“… That idiot is so in love with Lance.”

If anyone asked, Keith would admit being a bit surprised at finding the boy that Lance lived with crying while trying to open a hole in the well’s floor. Not sure how to deal with kids, Keith smiled cockily, hoping his show of self-confidence would somehow calm the boy down.

“What’s the matter? You seem troubled.”

In a few minutes, he was jumping from rooftop to rooftop, the boy on his back. He could smell Lance’s blood clear as day, even with the overall weird smell that world had. The hanyo disliked the smell a lot, Lance’s smell wasn’t made to be tarnished with blood, his own or otherwise. Keith could feel a growl trying to rip through his throat, whatever made that boy bleed would bleed twice as much.

He almost sighed in relief when he saw the boy alive and relatively well.

“Sankon Tessō!”

With his claws he opened the way by slaying the strange glob monster in half. Getting near Lance, he let Tsuna get down, who immediately hugged the blue-eyed boy.

If anyone asked, Keith was not glad the boy was ok.

“Don’t worry, Tsuna,” Lance said, trying to make the boy stop crying, “Keith will help us now.”

“Dunno about that.”

“What do you mean, mullet?” Lance soft gaze rapidly turned into a glare.

“I may help if you apologize.”

“Apologize? For what?”

“Don’t tell me you forgot!” Keith pointed accusingly at him. “You almost destroyed my back with your sit command and now you’re asking for help as if nothing happened?!”

“Oh, that! Well, I’m sorry.”

“You aren’t being sincere!”

“Just help us already, mullet dog! That thing has a fragment and I can’t fight right now, so stop whining like a kicked puppy and fight!”

“Who are you calling a kicked puppy, stupid boy?!”

Their fight was cut short when the monster’s body came together again. Lance informed Keith about the mask being the center of the creature, the half-demon taking out his sword, ready to fight despite his last fight with the Cuban. It’s not like Keith was actually planning to leave the humans to fight the demon alone. The mask did had a fragment of Jewel.

“I am the Meat Mask… centuries ago, I was carved from the tree trunk that received a fragment of the Jewel… I have been devouring people since then… I want a body… a body that won’t deteriorate quickly…”

Lance shuddered, muttering about creepy masks and stupid glass balls. Keith let a growl finally get out at seeing the boy’s fear.

“I don’t know how many people you’ve devoured until now, but you’re way too fat!”

To think all it took was a swing of the Tessaiga to end it all. The mask was gone in a flash of light, the fragment falling in front of them. Lance was quick to grab it and put in the flask with the rest of the fragments.

“Hey.” Lance turned to look at him, bluest blue eyes soft and thankful, “You okay?”

“Thank you, Keith.”

“Tch, whatever.”

If anyone asked, that was not a blush on Keith’s cheeks.

“Can I ask you one more thing?”

“Hm?”

“Take us home? I have exams to take and Tsuna has to go to school too.”

“What am I?! Your horse?!”

“Oh, c’mon, mullet dog! Just take us home before I get late!”

“No!”

“Keith!”

Tsuna could only watch as Keith begrudgingly let Lance hop on his back, the two still bickering.

“Tsuna, come on!”

“I’m coming!”

[coffeecupandteatime]

Obscure Review #4

It’s time to spork fics and ruin lives.

I’m Coffee.

Hi, this is Tea. So what fresh hell have we placed ourselves into today Coffee?

Instead of Titans, we have ninjas, but there doesn’t seem to by an OC this time. So that’s a start.

We have entered a world of perpetual retardation. I’m the local alcoholic asshole, Jagerbomb  ʕಠᴥಠʔ

This lovely little story is called When wind meets earth: A Naruto & Kurotsuchi story.

I’ll kick this off shitfest! Also: Prepare the rum!

As usual, we will be offensive. Don’t take this too personally.

Chapter 1: Moving to Konoha

Ooooooooh no.

This looks promising.

And I thought Struggle for Trost: The two monsters was a bad chapter title. This one’s just lazy.

Hey guys, it's Rice Man here with another Naruto fic to accompany the two I already have. This time it's a Naruto and Kurotsuchi pairing. I've grown quite fond of this pairing ever since I read a really good fic called 'Love your enemy' from a really talented author. Now my fic is not copying them in anyway

That doesn’t sound suspicious…

Nope, not at all.

ʕงಠᴥಠʔง I’ll fight the Author.

since it will feature an original plot and start off when the two of them are young then go on to Shippuden and will not be a Romeo & Juliet type of story. So sit back and enjoy this story!

Aw man, I was hoping for a tragedy. It would make this a thousand times more interesting.

Don’t tell me to relax. You’re only making me more nervous.

I’LL RELAX WHEN I GET MY VODKA! YOU RELAX!ʕ╯°ᴥ°ʔ╯︵ ┻━┻

Lastly, the cover image for this fic is the property of DeviantArt user indy-riquez.

+1 for giving credit where credit is due.

I get the feeling this  story is based around an obscure pairing that is either not very popular or you’re the only one who thinks they should be together.

I get the feeling of “I don’t like Hinata or Sakura so I’mma make a near impossible pairing” here.

Episode one: Moving to Konoha

Oh god… We have episodes instead of chapters.

Wait. Didn’t you already mention the chapter?

This is lazy writing on so many levels.

-Iwagakure no Sato, Tsuchikage's office- It is around 7 in the evening in the office of the most powerful ninja in Iwagakure.

So this office has it’s own timezone? Cool!

Don’t you know? The offices of the most powerful ninja have their own timezones.

Iwa’s the place with rocks right? I wanna make rock puns.

Don’t, there will be plenty of puns to make later.

We see a short old man sitting behind a desk with a man beside him about early thirties holding a packet in hand.

I don’t see anybody.

Excellent descriptions.

The name of this man is Kitsuchi, one of the most respected Jonin within the village and the old man was Onoki, the third Tsuchikage. They are seen talking to a young girl who appears to be around 10 years of age. This girl was Kurotsuchi, the granddaughter of Onoki and Kitsuchi's daughter. 

Truth be told, I never got very far in Naruto. None of these names mean anything to me. I don’t care if you are writing a fanfiction. At least give me a better idea of who these people are. As an author, that is your job.

I didn’t get very far in Shippuden, but I did read a good majority of the manga so I kinda know what’s going on from what I can remember. 

Jagerbomb is not pleased. ʕ╯°ᴥ°ʔ╯︵ ┻━┻ I haven’t seen Naruto in a long time.

''Gramps you can't be serious!? Why are you sending me to Konoha?!'' The girl asked in anger

Trust me hon, we’re not exactly thrilled either.

Asked in anger. Asked in anger. AskED IN ANGER. REALLY?

We have another Katherine, so great at emotion.

Guys, I just realized that the guy doesn’t use quotation marks. Those are two apostrophes right next to each other...

''Kurotsuchi, it's for your own good dear, I'm not going to let the grudges our village and Konoha have go on any longer. It's unhealthy for us and sending you there would actually benefit the already strained relationship we have with them. So (COMMA) you can either accept to be part of the Shinobi Exchange Between Villages or you can kiss your dream of being a kunoichi good-bye. And just so you know, some of our civilians who needed work that have went as part of this on the employment side have sent back letters showing that they are enjoying life in Konoha.'' 

That’s a big wall of dialogue. So tell me, are they just sitting there, unmoving save for some mouth flaps?

I’m sorry, WHAT? In the manga or anywhere, it does not mention any ninja exchange program or Shinobi moving into the village,  much less citizens.  

I thought Iwa and Konoha HATED each other. O,,,,o Zoidberg is confused.

The young girl just groaned in pure frustration,

Ah, yes. Much emotion. Very good.

A+ writing skills.

Is this how you emote?  ʕ╯°ᴥ°ʔ╯FUCK IT!

''Those villagers must be out of their minds, fuck Konoha and their shinobi exchange crap! I can't forgive them for killing mom! You know you still hate them for that dad don't deny it!''

We got a ten-year-old saying ‘fuck’! Call the police! 

Also: Protagonist’s mother was killed by future home that she learns to love.

“Hey kid! Guess what? We’re sending you to that one village you hate so much! Never mind the fact that they were responsible for the death of your mother!”

Yep, because who needs consistency?

Kitsuchi just sighed at his daughter, ''Yes, I can't deny that Kurotsuchi, but you must remember that sending you there will greatly benefit us and our strained relationship with Konoha. What if another war breaks out again? We've barely recovered from the last one. Look at Konoha also, those guys have recovered very well in a short amount of time and don't worry daughter, the Yellow Flash sacrificed himself to protect the village from the Kyuubi attack 10 years ago so you don't have to live in the same village with him at least right?''

ARE THEY JUST A BUNCH OF FLOATING HEADS OR SOMETHING?

“I AM ZORDON! YOU ARE THE POWER RANGERS!”

''Tch, well you do have a point dad but still! I don't want to live in a village full of idiots and trash!'' Kurotsuchi pouted looking the other way

“Okay Dad...I’ll go to the stupid village of stupid people just because their stupid leader is dead!”

“You must go for political motives that really don’t make any sense. THOU MUST!” 

Seriously? You’re calling them idiots and trash? Right now you’re making an idiot out of yourself. 

Especially if this is the village with the ‘GOD OF SHINOBI/PROFESSOR’ leading it.

But seriously, I get where the author is going. It was commonplace in feudal era Japan for lords to send their kids to live under and serve another lord as a sign of trust. HOWEVER, the relations between the villages were not established other than they hate each others’ guts. Nowhere does it mention the benefits of the two villages allying. It mentions benefits, but leaves it at that. No further explanations. No specific reason, which might as well be no reason. They are literally asking their kids to enter enemy territory for no reason. Now, I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t frivolously send my kids to a place I couldn’t trust. I completely agree with our whiny main character! This is ridiculous!

Onoki was about to lose his cool but decided not to vent it out on his beloved granddaughter (COMMA) but she could be such a pain in his ass sometimes. ''Kurotsuchi, you're living in Konoha as part of this exchange and in your place the Third Hokage's grandson will be living here.-

“I’m pretty sure that’s how it works anyway. It’s not like we established any trust and I don’t think the Hokage is going to be pleased sending his grandson here. Wait a minute, why am I referring to him as the Hokage? He’s not our leader, is he?”

He wouldn’t send his grandson, he is only a little kid if this is starting when I think it is.

Also: I’m pretty sure Konohamaru isn’t born yet considering he’s a lot younger than Naruto (Who's in his 40’s at the end of the the manga and anime, right?)

No, Konohamaru is born, he’s like 8 or something, this is taking place in the beginning of the series.

Either way, he’d be too young for this kind of travel to be sent to a village that HATES his.

- That is why this is beneficial to fixing our strained relationship. So you're leaving first thing in the morning young lady and that's final!''

Instead of being a good grandfather, he decides to force his grandchild to go to a completely different village.

“Go, dammit! I don’t want you hanging around here anyway! We may or may not trust Konoha village! So what if this endangers you!”

Basically sums his words up.

The 10-year(HYPHEN)old girl almost lost it when she heard that.

Almost lost what?

I lost my case of ale last week if that counts.

Almost lost her obviously prejudiced and non existent brain? Did it melt out of her ears?

She had a brain?

''No no no! I'm staying here and becoming a kunoichi of Iwa! Not Konoha!''

 “I swear you’re just looking for an excuse to kick me out of the house and go on some ridiculous adventure with my sworn enemy!”

“For the plot, child, to please the Author.” I’m not please so ʕ╯°ᴥ°ʔ╯FUCK IT!

This is a very ill conceived plot to try and make you seem cool.

''Gah! You little whipper snapper! You're going to do this exchange whether you like it or not!'' Onoki shouted as his head comically increases in size scaring the young girl

“SURPRISE YOU LITTLE SHIT! DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING, DID YOU!”

Only Iruka can do that dammit! THAT’S LIKE HIS MOST ICONIC “JUTSU”!

Really? Just because it’s an anime thing doesn’t mean you've got to use it, not to mention this is kinda badly written.

It just looks dumb in writing.

The force of his screams shook the whole room and was loud enough to scare Kurotsuchi causing her to fall on her butt shaking in fear. ''F-fine! I'll do it, but I won't like it!"

We should have a cliche count at the end our reviews to be honest. Protagonist agrees to doing some she doesn’t like: +1 cliche point.

You don't have to like it dear, just deal with it. Who knows? You may like it later on.'' Onoki said with a smile, ''Kitsuchi, please hand her papers please.''

“If you couldn’t tell, I’m the wise old character who implies the future and foreshadows the most obvious events to come!”

I don’t like that they tried to put a political agenda into this. It just seems half-assed and said political plot device just seems like something that is obviously a means to replace the main cannon with a side character and will never get mentioned ever again.

What makes you think she’ll like it after she oh so expressively pointed out her distaste for leaving.

Complying (COMMA) Kitsuchi walks over to Kurotsuchi and hands her a folder containing her files that she was going to submit to Iwa's ninja academy. ''You and Chihiro give this to the Hokage when you get there. He'll know right away.''

Author’s thoughts on actual plot.

Grabbing her enrollment papers Kurotsuchi proceeded to look at it. Her name was written in the middle of the folder and contained her papers for her to enroll at Konoha's ninja academy. Looking at Onoki she asked, ''So am I going as an Iwa or Konoha academy student?”

Wait, hold up. You’re trusting the ten-year-old with the IMPORTANT paperwork?

Well seeing as you’re the granddaughter of the fucking leader of your village, I’m surprised he didn’t train you. What’s stopping her from tearing those up?

''Anyway you see fit dear. You could be an Iwa kunoichi living in Konoha and registered in their system but most likely you'll be wearing their headband.''

“Because reasons.”

Awful reasons.

''Ugh, just what I need, living there is punishment enough but wearing their headband is just gross.'' Kurotsuchi groaned

“I mean, it’s the same headband, but I can’t stand it because it’s ~Konoha~”

“Fucking tree huggers man.”

My, somebody just loves to bitch don’t they?

''At least you're a kunoichi regardless.'' Kitsuchi spoke up, ''When you graduate we will send you the Iwa shinobi outfit if you want or you can wear theirs.''

“At that point in the story, you’ll probably prefer Konoha anyway in some major character changing fashion.”

At this point you and Naruto have probably pulled and AngelXEmily.

Kurotsuchi just sighed in defeat.

SIIIIIIIISODEFEATEDIIIIIIIIIGH

SIIIIIIIEMOTIONSAREHARDIIIIIIIIGH

Suck it up buttercup.

''So when do I go there again?'' She asked

“Right now! In fact, I’m going to throw you out the window as a shortcut!”

Again as in you’ve been there before or asking for the time you leave?

''You leave tomorrow morning dear, you will be brought there by my assistant Chihiro. After you've met with the Hokage you're on your own pretty much.'' Onoki explained

“Bye, loser.”

Chichiro sounds like the best person.

Assistant Chihiro is best character.

Into the lion’s den we go. 

''Yes, you should go get rest Kurotsuchi because you leave first thing in the morning.'' Kitsuchi added

They are really pushing her to leave.

Didn’t they say she was leaving in the morning not even two sentences ago?

Nodding with a sigh Kurotsuchi left to get some rest. ''Kurotsuchi wait.'' Onoki said getting the girl's attention ''What is it now gramps?'' ''Who knows? You might also meet a guy you'll like there.'' The Tsuchikage teased with a perverted grin

“Ohohoho! I like to think of my granddaughter meeting a nice boy but then have a perverted thought!”

“OHOHOHOHO-TOTALLYNOTFORESHADOWINGORANYTHING-OHOHOHOHO!”

Kurotsuchi blushed and quickly left the room much to the amusement of the two older men. Now alone in the room the two men began talking.

“Dammit grandpa, I can find a boyfriend by myself!”

“Oh no, my grandfather just basically told me to find a boy to fuck!”

''So you think this will really benefit us?-

“Fuck no!”

HAHHAHAHAH I SMELL A SUB-PLOT!

-I mean we do have the Hokage's grandson coming here as part of the exchange.'' Kitsuchi asked the elderly man

“What do we do with the grandson of our enemy?”

“KILL HIM”

Also, I get this is your father, but if you’re still in the office, talking about important village stuff, where the hell are the formalities? 

''I'm sure, it's Hiruzen now so it should make the whole process of this exchange a whole lot easier and without me probably trying to attack the Yellow Flash in the face for what he did to us in the third war. And when you think about it Kumo, Suna and Kiri have been friendly with Konoha ever since they sent some of their shinobi there for the program.''

Hey! Quit dropping the exposition all over the place! Someone has to clean that up, and it’s not going to be me!

Yea, us. ʕʘᴥʘ✿ʔ

''If you say so Lord Tsuchikage. That traitorous bastard Deidara bombing us several weeks ago puts us in an even worse position.''

NAME DROP!

MORE SUB-PLOT!

''You are right, it's also best for her safety as well.'' Onoki said

“We’re sending her right into enemy territory! She’ll be perfectly safe!”

“Cos sending an Iwa nin to the village that is STILL RECOVERING FROM THE KYUUBI IS FUCKING A GOOD IDEA!”

Your plan makes no sense...at all.

-Konoha Main Gate, next morning-

*Eyetwitch* Those transitions… My favorite…

Yay awful transitions!

As the sun rises across Konohagakure (COMMA) two Chunin guarding the main gate awake from their unauthorized slumber. These two are Izumo Kamizuki and Kotetsu Hagane and they've been on guard duty for twenty days straight.

I mean, this IS their actual JOB!

They would be dead if they were on guard shift for twenty  days straight, you will die from lack of sleep.

Nah, s’okay. They’re ninja.

''Ugh, Izumo wake up it's morning and time to begin another boring day as gate guards...'' Kotetsu groaned as he stretches himself

“This is how a casual conversation sounds. Wouldn’t you agree my fellow companion guard?”

“Undoubtedly, good sir!”

Nobody talks like this.

He reaches over and places a hand on Izumo's shoulder prodding the man awake. ''Yo, fucking let me sleep will you?'' Izumo grumbled

Are you the tsun to his dere?

Being rude upon being woken: +1 cliche point.

''Sure, then let Lord Hokage catch you and you'd be demoted to a Genin.'' Kotetsu shot back

One of the many responsibilities of the Hokage is to check on grunts like you.

Because the Hokage has the time to come and check on you idiots everyday. Also: Threat of boss demoting someone: +1 cliche point again! YAY Five more are you get a prize from the lower shelf!

You really have no idea what cliches are.

Nope! I just like giving points!

Right now we’ve got the tsundere, angst ridden teenager who whines about EVERYTHING cliche going on.

+5 Cliche points!

This served to wake Izumo almost instantly and the man quickly grabs his hygiene kit and began brushing his teeth, combing his hair and washing his face with a sink he made appear from God knows where.

Can’t be bothered to explain.

“Sorry I have lazy writing.”

This whole lack of explaining in some places and pretty much having dialogue that’s like watching paint dry in others, is making this fanfic to be like a raw, dead catfish. Cold, slimy and uninteresting.

''What the hell? Where'd that sink come from?!'' ''What you see is a genjutsu Kotetsu ooooooo!'' Izumo said trying to be scary

Correction: can’t be bothered to PROPERLY explain.

Correction: Let’s use every chance to say it was a ninja art of some kind.

Correction: completely butchering the english language.

''Shut the hell up and hurry up, we got another day of writing down traffic. Ugh, we always get stuck doing this shit.''

“Probably has something to do with the fact we’re background characters.”

What traffic? Cos the only motor vehicles are in the land of Snow. Do you mean Caravan traffic for trades?

5 minutes later..

Oh. Would you look at that… Another transition…

More lazy writing.

About a quarter mile out from the main gate we see the young Kurotsuchi and the Tsuchikage's secretary named Chihiro approaching the main gate.

Still don’t see anything.

FUCKING DESCRIBE SHIT DAMMIT!

It’s easier to get into the story’s scenery if you describe it a little bit.

Chihiro looked to face the young girl and saw that she was dawning an annoyed expression on her face. ''What's wrong Kurostuchi? Aren't you excited to visit another village let alone live in one for a while?'' She asked the young kunoichi to be

“I know you struggle to emote, but really…”

USE PERIODS!

She made her hate for Konohagakure very (not really) prominent in the very beginning. Did you just leave the room without anyone seeing you or did you not pay attention?

''No! I don't want to live in that poor excuse of a village. They're all murderers and deserve to be wiped out off the face of the Earth.'' Kurotsuchi shot back

What sort of brainwashing did you go through?

Obviously one of unreasonable hate toward a village instead of the one person who killed her mom.

“I don’t know who killed my mother so I’ll blame the whole village that is often called one of the most accepting!” Also, I don’t believe Naruto was ever said to take place on Earth, it was always called the Elemental Nations.

''Stop it, when are you going to understand that this is for our village's benefit? Do you not want us to at least be on friendly terms with Konoha or would you rather have the both of us hate each other forever and probably go to war again? You know we aren't in a position to fight another war Kurotsuchi, if another one broke out we would be annihilated. We've lost so many shinobi last time and we can't go through that again. Besides, think of it this way. You've already mastered your lava release correct?''

Another wall of dialogue. Do you think these characters are capable of performing actions while talking, or are they not advanced enough?

Yay! Wall of text! Cos everyone like those! Their like the floating heads in Rick and Morty.

Kurotsuchi nods at Chihiro's question.

''Then you can add the element of fire to your disposal to make you even more awesome. Fire is probably the most powerful element and from what I've heard has some really good jutsu for it. So that's a benefit for you.'' Chihiro finished

“Just a reminder, I’m doing this for a paycheck.”

“Because you’re a brat with poor character development even for a canon character!”

To make yourself more awesome? Seriously? Just because she has a Kekkei Genkai doesn’t mean that the main cast will like her, especially since she has a poorer attitude than Sasuke.

''And what other benefits are there huh?'' Kurotsuchi snorted

OINK OINK

SUUUUEWEEEE!

''Besides being educated and taught in fire release techniques, you'll also be trained by the best academy out of the five great nations. Konoha is well known for producing excellent ninja and they're no doubt the best trained as well. So there's that.'' Chihiro explained

If you do that, THEN you can crush them.

Crush them in your mighty Russian thighs.

Kurotsuchi's eyes turned into stars. 

Jesus!

'She does have a point! I'm already awesome as it is but being trained by the best ninja...gross, I mean, being trained by Konoha's best is not too shabby at all. Learning fire release makes it even better too!'

“I’m too cool to acknowledge any sort of superiority from Konoha!”

“My ego is massive unlike my breasts!”

“My ego is compensation!”

Guys, she’s ten...

''Hey, we're here.'' Chihiro said snapping Kurotsuchi out of her thoughts, 'Huh?'

''I said we're here.''

Kurotsuchi looks towards her front and sees the main gate of Konohagakure, open and ready to accept whoever walks through them. She had to admit it gave off a friendly, warm and welcoming vibe which was something that she wasn't used to.

I am 99.999% confident she’ll still treat everyone like a piece of shit.

I’m pretty confident she’ll meet Naruto within the first chapter.

I’m pretty confident she’s going to pick a fight with every single one of them.

The two Iwa ladies then enter the gate and walk up towards the small checkpoint where Izumo and Kotetsu were.

''Hi, may I see your identification, papers, all those goodies?'' Izumo asked with a warm smile

All those goodies? That is extremely lame.

Waiting for the moment to stab a bitch. PLOT TWIST, Izumo is the true villain of this plot!

ʕงಠᴥಠʔง Wanna go bro?

Chihiro reaches for her I.D. and hands it to the Chunin. Looking at Kurotsuchi she raises her eyebrow prompting the young girl

RAGE

to hand Kotetsu her exchange papers. The two Chunin then take the time to look over the documents before nodding in satisfaction.

“Sorry ma’am, I’m afraid I need to stab you.”

“I’m to lazy to write Protagonist’s name so here’s a half assed nickname which is just her name shortened.”

''So I presume this young lady is part of the exchange program between our villages?'' Izumo asked handing the two ladies their documents ''Yes, young Kurotsuchi here will attend the academy.'' Chihiro replied with a smile

Sure, that’s what they all say!

Even though she’s said she’s already ‘good enough’.

''Just my luck...'' Kurotsuchi mumbled ''Oh come on little lady! The Konoha ninja academy is the best! We have amazing instructors and the student body is quite diverse as it is already! I think you'll meet some good kids your age you'd get along well with.'' Kotetsu inquired

“It’s not like we’re going to kill you like your mother!”

“Which I’m sure is going to somehow be used against you for plot!”

Whine, whine, whine, bitch, bitch, bitch. I bet you the author is going to stick her in Team 7 for no good reason.

''Yeah, whatever you say.'' The soon to be kunoichi groaned before receiving a tap on the back of the head from Chihiro

Main character despise all goodwill and warmth.

THE GOODWILL! IT BURNS! 

This is Katherine all over again. DAMMIT! GET THE PAN!

''Heh, excuse her behavior she isn't feeling well this morning gentlemen! Would you be so kind to escort us to see the Hokage?''

Translation: “She’s being a bitch and embarrassing me. Can we go?”

Translation to translation: Little cunt needed to be aborted.

We’re right back to overly formal, just talk like a normal person please.

''Sure.'' Izumo said before clearing his throat, ''Oh ANBUUUUUUUUUUU!'' He shouted in a sing-song voice

Escorting your whiney ass is bad enough, don’t embarrass the poor guy but having him do a singsong voice in the middle of the road. 

And like that (COMMA) two ANBU agents appeared before the four of them. ''Could you guys escort these ladies to see Lord Hokage? The little lady there is an exchange student from Iwagakure.'' Izumo explained.

You know that default icon you have when you don’t set your profile picture? That’s how I imagine all of these characters.

Y’know that feeling you get when you smell horseshit incoming? I’m getting that right now. OH WAIT! THIS WHOLE STORY IS BULLSHIT!

The two ANBU nod before motioning the Iwa ladies to follow suit. ''Man, she is a mean girl!" Kotetsu said once they were out of hearing range

Thank you Captain Obvious.

Holy shit! Someone who understands us! FINALLY!

More like she’s a mega bitch, who can’t stop whining about how she can’t stand Konahagakure’s inhabitants because one ninja killed her mom.

''She's from Iwa so it makes sense why she's acting like that so give the kid a break Kotetsu.'' Izumo said in a bossy voice

I’m sorry, what? Give the kid a break? No. She’s being rude to you for no valid reason.

“The readers would’ve needed to know the main plot line to understand anything that’s going on. I’d hate to be that guy.”

Author believes we can remember what happened 700+ episodes/mangas and ten movies ago.

''Well I sure hope she doesn't end up...killing some kids from our village considering that some bad blood still exists between us and them.''

On second thought, it probably wasn’t a good idea to let her in the village.

She’ll probably commit arson. Like the Kyuubi did. Too soon?

''I agree.'' Izumo concluded The two of them were left to sulk in depression as another day as gate guards begins.

 HAHAHA DEPRESSION IS FUNNY.

HAHAHA LIKE MY ALCOHOLISM!

HAHAHA YOU SERIOUSLY NEED HELP!

-Hokage Tower-

I’m fine. Really.

Chihiro, Kurotsuchi and the two ANBU are seen walking up the staircase towards the Hokage's office. After a few more minutes (COMMA) they finally approach the large double doors where the office is.

Yay for poor descriptions!

Wow, these descriptions almost make me feel like I’m actually there.

''Here we are, please go ahead and enter.'' One of the ANBU said ''Thank for your escort.'' Chihiro said

Nodding, the two ANBU then shunshin leaving the two ladies alone. Chihiro then bent down to where she was eye-level with Kurotsuchi. ''Now Kurotsuchi, I want you to be on your best behavior alright? For the love of Kami

Get it?! The Japanese word for God?! GET IT?!

Even though I’m sure Naruto has it’s own gods and legends right?

Stopderailingtheauthor’sjokewithyourfacts.

don't start anything with any of the young Konoha shinobi, don't pick fights and please don't insult the Hokage. That would be pretty bad since he knows the Tsuchikage's granddaughter is attending the shinobi exchange program.''

“He will have you shot.”

''I can't guarantee that Chihiro-san, my temper and arrogance gets the best of me sometimes so whatever I do you can blame the brats who pushed me.'' Kurotsuchi snorted

“I’m a cool teen that does whatever I want without any consequences! It’s their fault for crossing me!”

Jesus, it’s Sasgay.

Sasuke has a better attitude than her.

''YOUNG LADY.'' Chihiro shouted as her eyes glow red sending waves of killer intent towards the little girl

Good job reprimanding her by reminding her that she is, in fact, a young female.

''Ung!''

A+ dialogue.

Sounds like the name of a character from Dawn of the Croods.

Way to make her sound constipated.

''You're our representative for this program, since we are so low on shinobi we can only send you and you seriously better behave! Make Iwagakure look good you hear me? Most importantly, make Lord Tsuchikage look good.''

You’re really expecting her to understand something like that? I thought better of you Assistant Chihiro.

Assistant is expecting a lot of Shitty Protagonist.

I find it funny that she’s expecting her NOT to mess this up.

Kurotsuchi knew she was right, she can't screw up and now she had to throw away her hatred of Konoha aside if she wanted to even be a kunoichi. ''Fine, I understand Chihiro-san. I promise to behave.'' Kurotsuchi sighed with honesty in her words

“Even though I don’t really. I’ll probably spend most of the story making this a living hell for just about everyone here.”

“I don’t give a shit about anyone.”

“I’m just gonna throw a tantrum and make everyone's life hell until they get sick of me and send me home.”

Chihiro smiled, maybe Kurotsuchi would pull through and get through the ninja academy without causing any problems. Getting up she balls her hand into a fist ready to knock on the door.(SPACE)''Ready Kurotsuchi? She asked turning to look at the girl

“Even if you’re not, I’m still going to knock anyway.”

YAY PLOT!

''Yes.'' Chihiro then knock on the door three times as loud as she could. The two of them were greeted with silence

Oh, hey silence! How’s it going? Creeping in stories with ridiculous prose I see!

Silence, why did you leave us with wall texts!?

before a voice spoke. ''Come in.''

So descriptive.

Chihiro then grabs the door(ONE WORD)knob and turns it opening the door and they enter the office. Closing the door behind them Chihiro turns to face the Hokage and the two of them were greeted by an elderly man Kurotsuchi guessed was the same age as the Tsuchikage. He had a warm smile on his face and was smoking a pipe.

Ah, you look like an asshole. Not because of your nonexistent character description, but because you’re from ~Konoha~.

Cos all old people with pies are assholes.

''Ah, are you the two lovely ladies from Iwagakure? I am Hiruzen Sarutobi and I am the Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato.'' He welcomed

No, just no. Be consistent with your naming. This makes your writing look sloppy jumping between the english dubbed name and the full japanese name of the village.

Kurotsuchi is no lady with how she acts. She’s acting like a spoiled brat. Jesus this IS Katherine.

''Yes, I have brought young Kurotsuchi here to attend your academy as part of the Shinobi Exchange on behalf of the Tsuchikage.'' Chihiro explained

You should have already known that, but I’m not going to say anything about it.

I’ve given up on the plot.

This political motive is still lame.

Smiling, the Hokage looks at Kurotsuchi. The girl was a bit apprehensive but when she saw that his eyes had a look of calm and kindness in them she sighed in relief.

Because she wasn’t trained enough to keep her guard up no matter what just by looking in someone's eyes.

“Stop being so nice to me and let me hate you!”

“Let me be an angsty bitch that hates the entire village for no good reason.”

“My mother IS dead, but I blame the whole place.”

''Hm, and do you have your files? Any important documents you will need to enroll in our academy young Kurotsuchi?''

Again, you trusted the ten-year-old with the important paperwork.

Nodding, Kurotsuchi takes her file out of her pack and walks up to the elderly man. Taking it from the girl Hiruzen then proceeds to look over her enrollment papers that came with the packet. Nodding in satisfaction he then places the papers on his desk.

And the plot continues at a snail’s pace.

There was a plot?

''Well then, your grandfather must really want you to be part of the program. I'll gladly mail this to the academy headmaster and you will receive a letter in the mail that will confirm your acceptance.'' ''Thank you Lord Hokage.'' Kurotsuchi said politely as she bows

“But not really. I still fucking hate your guts.”

I called it when she was gonna start going soft the moment she came here.

She’s the angsty teen character, that's exactly what’s going to happen.

''Haha, no need for formalities young lady, today I'm feeling very jolly so just call me Hokage-sama okay?''

Which is still formal.

First time you use formalities correctly is when you say don’t use them. GAH!

San would be more casual than sama. Just saying.

''Oh, okay Hokage-sama.'' Kurotsuchi chuckled

“I still hate you and everyone in this village. Now quit being nice and let my hate fester.”

''Ahem, now I will give you your address to the apartment complex you will live in with the other village exchange students. Don't worry about not being guarded because I have ANBU guarding the apartment 24/7 just in case anyone dares to try and attack children from other villages. Your safety is our utmost concern.'' Hiruzen said with a smile

“This isn’t effective anywhere outside the apartments so you’re pretty much on your own everywhere else. Pretty counter-intuitive, right?”

“Even though this is the first time we’ve done exchanges with ninjas.”

He then takes a pen and writes down the address to the complex before handing it to Kurotsuchi. ''There you go, that will be all. So do you have anything else to say before I send you off?''

Now would be the time to request bail.

-Prepares ceremonial noose-

''Nothing here for me to say Lord Hokage, thank you for having Kurotsuchi here in your village. I'm sure Lord Tsuchikage would be pleased.'' Chihiro said with a bow ''No problem, will that be all?'

“Yeah, can I punch you since I hate you?”

The two Iwa ladies shake their heads in response before Hiruzen dismissed them. They proceed to leave the tower and make their way towards the front entrance of the building. Chihiro bends down to Kurotsuchi's level to bid her farewell. ''Well Kurotsuchi, this is where I have to leave you dear. You going to be okay on your own?'' She questioned

In other words, you’re not going to fuck up, are you?

I sense future fucking up.

''Yeah yeah, I'm a big girl now so don't stress out. I'll find my way to the complex.'' Kurotsuchi answered with confidence

“I’m a big kid now!”

“I wear huggies!”

“I’m sooooooo gonna get lost.”

''Good, be on your best behavior and we'll see you at graduation.'' Kissing her on the forehead Chihiro then waves good-bye before walking off and disappearing into the crowd.

Well, that was awkward.

“I don't have to deal with your ass anymore, BYE BITCH!”

Kurotsuchi then looks at the paper with the address on it and begins making her way there.

How does she magically know her way around?

-Apartment complex, 1 hour later-

Hahahaha. You must really like those FUCKING transitions. Hahahaha...

FUCK YOU!

Kurotsuchi spent over an hour looking for her apartment complex but it was no easy task. She got lost five minutes after she began her search. 'Man! Konoha is no doubt the largest village of them all! I never got lost in Iwa like this before.'

“It has nothing to do with the fact that I lived in Iwa up to this point!”

“KONOHA SUCKS! BUT I LIKE HOW BIG IT IS!"

That’s because genius you lived there your entire life, this is new territory.

Walking into the door she shows the front desk receptionist her exchange papers and receives the key to her apartment. Thanking the receptionist (COMMA) she then makes her way up to the third floor where her apartment is.

Wow~ So descriptive~!

How much do you bet this is the complex Naruto lives at?

I bet all of Jack Sparrow’s rum.

''Let's see...C-1, C-2, Ah! Here is apartment C-3.'' Taking her key she unlocks the door and opens it. She was greeted to cool air to which she sighs in relief. 'Wow! The A.C. is already on!' She thought as she walks into the living room.

Turns out her apartment is a giant white box. No furniture or anything.

Just an A.C.

Setting her pack on the desk in the kitchen she notices an envelope and a note on the table for her. Picking it up she opens the envelope and finds over $500,000 for food shopping and other necessities that she may need later on.

In AMERICAN? THEY USE JAPANESE MONEY DUMBASS!! ALSO! THAT MUCH IN FOOD?! FOR ONE PERSON!?

IT’S CALLED YEN, YOU FOOL. THEY DON’T EVEN USE YEN IN NARUTO ANYWAY. *ahem* Needless to say, she has to be a heavy eater or else she won’t pair well with her ~love interest~

Taking the note she reads it, Dear Kurotsuchi,

This is a letter from me, Hiruzen Sarutobi and I just wanted to let you know I am glad that you have decided to attend the Konoha ninja academy on behalf of your grandfather Tsuchikage Onoki and the exchange program to help improve relations between our two nations. In the envelope if you haven't opened it yet contains enough ryo to last you the entire four years you will be in the academy. Please spend it wisely on things you will need such as food, clothes, hygiene and cleaning products. Do not worry about bills because the power, water and other household utilities are free as part of being in the program. Once again I thank you and welcome you to Konohagakure no Sato and I hope you enjoy your stay and your future career as an Iwa kunoichi in service to Konoha. -Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Third Hokage

He seems to really like bending over backwards for these exchange students.

Couldn’t you at least have made the letter a different text like italics?

No, that would be too much work.

Smirking,

“Ha, that’s right! You’re my bitch!”

“I WON’T SPEND THE MONEY WISELY!”

Kurotsuchi puts the letter aside and opens her fridge to find it stocked up! ''Holy crap! The old man planned ahead huh?'', Looking into the fridge's shelves she spots several frozen meats, Sriracha sauce, frozen yogurt, dumpling recipes and various fruit juices. Peeking at the top of the fridge she spots two gallons of water and two 24-packs of water bottles stacked atop one another. Moving onwards towards the counter she sees cooking utensils placed neatly and orderly. Taking a chair (COMMA) she climbs onto the counter-top and opens up the shelves and sees various cooking ingredients such as salt, pepper and everything you would want.

You take the time to describe this, but nothing else?

Cos food is priority apparently.

Obviously. 

''You know, maybe being here wouldn't be THAT bad..'' She whispered to herself

You only think this because you don’t have to work for any of that.

Fat bitch.

She then proceeds to unpack her bag and takes out a fresh pair of clothes to shower. Thirty minutes later she exits the shower and jumps onto the couch in the living room. ''The couch feels nice, much better than those old ones back home.''

“My bastard grandpa was right! I do like it better here!”

Wow. -__- Guess you forgot your mother’s death. But I’m sure it’ll come back up for plot.

She’ll probably meet her killer and kill them to avenge her mother, knowing our luck.

Deciding that sitting and laying would be boring she decided that she might as well go out and explore the village a little since it's better to know it now than later so she doesn't get lost. Getting up she then heads out the door and begins her self(HYPHEN)tour of the village.

Silly nugget. Didn’t you forget you got lost?

Apparently yes.

She has the attention span of a goldfish.

-Konoha Streets-

HahahaHAHAHAHAHA. I’m going to end you.

ʕ╯°ᴥ°ʔ╯FUCK IT!

After over two hours of walking through the village and finding where the food, shinobi and clothing stores were she was starting to feel hungry and thought it would be a good idea to get some lunch. Checking her little watch (COMMA) she saw that it was around one in the afternoon. ''Hm, I wonder if this dump has any good places worth eating at.''

Yes, this ‘dump’ is more put together and reformed than your dump you call home as stated in the first couple of paragraphs.

Even after being raveged by a giant fox. (I mean their repairs are kind shoddy in some places)

Well according to this, they did get bombed several months prior, so the dumpiness has to be stated twice.

She said as she stops to take a quick look around. One stand catches her eye. A ramen stand that had a sign sporting the words 'Ichiraku Ramen!'. ''Well I guess ramen will do since it looks relatively friendly and cheap.'' She said to herself as she walks up to the shop.

“Still a dump though.”

“Still hate it here. Just like the food.”

Taking a seat (COMMA. YOU REALLY LIKE GERUNDS, I SEE) she notices that the stand only had about twelve seats and was really small but had a really nice and friendly atmosphere to it. She spots a girl with brown hair who appeared to be a year older

Your powers of observation are lacking and at the same time are sharp enough to tell the minute age gap between you and an absolute stranger.

Semi-All knowing MC.

than her cleaning the dishes while an older man in his mid-thirties was seen prepping the broth for the noodles. She sat there silently before the girl spotted her.

Speak dammit, I get you’re from the land of ROCKS, but you are not a ROCK! AAAAAAAGH!

I know you have the emotional capacity of a potato, but the least you can do is use your words instead of awkwardly sitting there.

Sitting around and being awkward is the best social interaction dontcha know?

''Hi! Welcome to Ichiraku ramen! What can I get you?'' The girl said in a very cheerful tone ''Oh, um this is my first time here... (CAPITALIZE)actually this is my first time in this village so I don't really know what you have..'' Kurotsuchi replied

Well, ramen for starters.

There weren't ramen stands at your home? You know, literally the cheapest meal ever besides crackers. ALSO READ THE MENU BITCH!

''I think I can guess why you haven't been here before young lady. It's because you're in the shinobi exchange program (COMMA) right?'' The older man said without looking at her

That man must be a mindreader!

MORE ALL KNOWING CHARACTERS!

''Erm, yeah that's why. I'm from Iwagakure.''

And as such I show no emotion. Beep boop. Kill all humans.

Beep boop. KILL ALL OF KONOHA. Beep beep boop.

I am a robot. Beep bop beep boing.

''Iwa huh? Never met anyone from there before so it's a pleasure! I'm Teuchi and this fine little lady here is my daughter Ayame.'' Teuchi introduced with a bow ''Nice to meet you!'' Ayame greeted ''Kurotsuchi, likewise.''

“I lack a last name because it makes me cool.”

“You’re not cool enough to know my last name.”

''You know since it's your first time here I'll give you a free bowl on the house.'' Teuchi said as he dumps some ramen into the broth to cook

Great business, give the little whore a free bowl just cos she’s new. Gold star!

Shut it, that’s a good strategy to get the little bitch to show up again!

-,,,,- This does not please Zoidberg.

''I mean, if you insist that is.'' Kurotsuchi shrugged

“I have the emotional capacity of exactly half of a teaspoon.”

That’s not very much.

''Hey it's on the house!''

“So, you’ll spend money here, right?

''Oh fine. Thanks anyway.''

I’m sorry, but the command “gratitude” is currently unavailable. Please try again later.

Thankful.exe has stopped working.

After about five minutes another person comes into the stall and takes a seat two stools away from Kurotsuchi. Looking out the corner of her eye she could make out a boy with spiky blonde (BLOND) hair about her age. Turning to face him completely she saw that he had blue eyes and whisker marks on his cheeks that made him look a bit feral.

I FUCKING CALLED IT!

After the last story, the word “feral” gives me PTSD

This feral enough?

I will bury you alive (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

I’m taking the rum with me.

''Oh! Daddy, Naruto is here!" Ayame shouted in glee

I read this as ‘Daddy naruto’ oh god.

''Get him his usual!'' Teuchi called out The blonde (BLOND IS FOR MALES, BLONDE IS FOR FEMALES) boy sat there with a huge smile on his face. Noticing the girl sitting close to him he turns his head and looks her way. The two lock eyes for a moment before Naruto gave her his trademark grin then turning away.

Despite never being to the village before nor meeting the main character, she knows exactly what his trademark grin is.

Bruh… She’s back to all knowing again.

There was something about the look in his eyes that got Kurotsuchi curious. While his eyes and smile displayed happiness Kurotsuchi saw a sense of loneliness and depression.

Oops, your all knowing narrator syndrome is showing again.

Goddammit, even Jacob was this all knowing.

Of course you’re curious, you want something to compare to.

''Hiya! I'm Naruto! You can send the love letters later, nice to meet you!" The blonde (BLOND) greeted with his foxy grin as he looks back at her

You can send the love letters later? Seriously, that is way out of character for him.

That right there is the epitome of a lady killer. Figuratively and maybe literally.

Why is NOBODY saying their last names when meeting each other!?

''Uh, yeah..'' She said as a bowl of ramen was placed in front of her, 'Oh dang, that actually looks really good!'

“I was expecting a piece of trash from a trash town!”

“I hate this stupid trash town and its stupid trash people.”

Did you just expect disgusting slop or something?

''Enjoy!'' Ayame said before giving the blonde (BLOND) his bowl. ''Thanks Ayame!'' He shouted as he goes to devour his bowl in 2.5 seconds

Exactly. Not a second more.

He doesn’t even eat that fast in the actual manga and anime.  ʕ>ಠᴥಠʔ> ======= O

Evidently we must over exaggerate how fast the boy can eat.

Kurotsuchi was taking her second bite when she looked at the boy and her eyes nearly rocketed out of her sockets. That blonde (BLOND) had already eaten twelve bowls while she was only on her second bite!

 Pretty sure he would have choked. Which might have been preferable given who the love interest is.

You know what Kuro’s gonna choke on later? ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ Naruto’s salami.

Che?

*pat pat* When you’re older Coffee.

'Holy crap, how the heck does he do that? No human on earth can eat that fast!' She thought with a deadpan expression

Dead like her mother.

(ಥ﹏ಥ) Dead like my will to live.

Another five minutes would go by and when Kurotsuchi got halfway through her bowl she turned and looked and saw over twenty more empty bowls stacked up beside the boy.

Is he just allowed to do that? Eating that much ramen costs a bit. It’s a business, not a charity.

I know Naruto eats ramen A LOT, but he doesn’t eat this MUCH DAMMIT!

Good lord you take forever to eat.

'This guy doesn't hold back when it comes to eating huh?'

Nope.

Picking up the pace Kurotsuchi devours her bowl just as Naruto finished bowl number twenty-two. Burping he turns to look at the girl giving her a grin. ''I see you trying to eat as fast as me huh? Think you can do better?'' He asked

Of course she does! She’s the main character!

Cos MC’s can do anything!

Kurotsuchi just scoffed before a second bowl was placed in front of her. With the utmost efficiency (COMMA.) she managed to devour it in five seconds much to Naruto's surprise.

You are paying for that one, right?

“I’ve never done this before or eat eat ramen at all but watch me down this shit like  beer!”

''Haha! That was fast but not fast enough!'' Naruto said as another bowl was placed in front of him and to Kurotsuchi's surprise he ate it in literally a quarter of a millisecond.

Chewing is no longer a necessity. He just unhinges his jaw and devours it whole. The bowl included.

She’s gonna win, I just know it. Or she loses and follows Naruto to his home.

''What the?!'' She said Setting the bowl down the blonde (HAVE I MADE MY POINT YET?)turns to face the girl with his supposed signature grin. ''Think you can top that girly?'' He questioned

But of course she’s gonna.

“Girly?”, Naruto doesn’t call anyone girly, you’re letting his OOC show again.  

With a tic mark forming on her head she pounds on the counter and screams ''Third bowl! Now!"

“MY PRIDE IS AT STAKE HERE! I CAN’T LOSE TO THIS TRASH PERSON FROM THIS TRASH TOWN.”

“MUST WIN AT SOMETHING I’VE NEVER DONE BEFORE!”

''Here you go!" Teuchi said Grabbing the bowl and putting it against her face she proceeds to devour it at a speed that was considered inhuman that even Naruto was once again taken by surprise. 'I won't lose! Kurotsuchi always wins because I'm the best!' Two hours later..

Oh lookie… A time skip. This stand’s out of business by now.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-

After over two hours having a ramen eating contest

Really? Two hours have passed? Are you sure? I know you told us in that God-awful transition, but just got to be certain.

neither of them were aware of the two of them had eaten a total of one-hundred bowls each and now they were on their last bowls as their little stomachs were on the verge of exploding.

Fucking really? If Naruto’s draining bowls in 2.5 seconds he’d be beyond 100 in TWO FUCKING HOURS!

They had to stop before the bill became even more outrageous. Which I hope they’re paying for.

They’re not going to and we all know it. She has to win because “she’s the best.”

''I...I won't lose to you (COMMA) blondie.'' Kurotsuchi moaned as she takes her chopsticks and takes a bite of some ramen

Bet this won’t be the only time she moans around Naruto.  ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ wink wink nudge nudge

SCROTAL PUNCH!

NOOOO! (ಥ﹏ಥ)

You kinda should have expected that.

''Y..yeah sure...I'm a natu-*Burp* (THAT IS NOT HOW YOU WRITE DIALOGUE)-ral at this..'' Naruto groaned as he tries to take one last bite but before he could put the ramen in his mouth his head slumps forward and lands on the counter. His body seemingly unconscious.

I think he might be dead.

*pokes the body with a stick* nope he twitched, still alive.

Can’t kill Love Interest off, whose MC gonna use a pillow to cry on when she remembers Dead Mama?

''Yes!'' Kurotsuchi shouted with her arms raised

Of course she fucking won. -__-. RAMEN IS LITERALLY ALL NARUTO CAN AFFORD FOR A MEAL! BESIDES SPOILED MILK!

Teuchi and Ayame couldn't help but laughed at the two children.

“I can’t wait so see their faces when I show them the bill.”

Considering Asian currency is often a much lower value, I’ll say the ‘500,000’ is actually more so around a much lower amount in American, so she wasted it all on ramen. TWO HOURS OF TWO AND A HALF SECOND BOWLS OF RAMEN FROM A SHITTY STAND!

He gave her enough for four years, she not running out for awhile.

Fun fact, one US dollar is equal to ten ryo, the official currency in Naruto. Also there are 3600 seconds in an hour. So eating 2.5 seconds consistently for two hours gets about 2880 bowls. Average ramen at a shop like this one costs usually no more than 500 yen (50 ryo). This get’s you about 144,000 ryo ($14,000). And that’s just accounting for one of them, not counting the bowls that Naruto had devoured before starting this competition.

Lucky for them, the writer had mentioned it was only 100 bowls a piece. So instead of that number it’s more like 5000 ryo ($500) per person. Which is still expensive.

But that doesn’t make since, if it’s only one hundred bowls, that means they must’ve slowed down A LOT to make that amount, together, in two hours. Also: Why didn’t the owner stop them. Surely they just ate most of his stock for the day.

''Aaaaaand I believe the winner is the young Iwa exchange student!'' Teuchi declared while Ayame applaud, ''Congrats! Looks like Naruto has a rival!'' ''W-whatever...''

“I-It’s not like I like you or anything! B-Baka!”

AHAHAHHAHA. Get out.

Kurotsuchi said as she devours her last bowl before she performs a hand seal for a technique that allows her full stomach to immediately digest all the food.

That’s cheating!

(ಥ﹏ಥ) Really?

''There, all better, thanks for the food old guy!'' Kurotsuchi says as she takes off

“I’m not gonna pay for it, What’s-Your-Face.”

She keeps her money, like the little slut she is.

Checking her watch she saw that it was about five in the evening and decided to go look around for the training fields. After thirty minutes of searching she found the Third Training Field where she hoped she could practice some moves in peace away from the bustling village. She enters the field and the sight was quite nice compared to the Iwa training fields. It was in the middle of a small forest with a large river cutting through the middle of it that led to a lake a quarter mile away.

Lookie Coffee! No transitions!

Truly a marvelous day.

Oh, happy day!

''Huh, I guess this place is somewhat nice.'' She said to herself before taking out a small scroll from her small pack and focuses some chakra-

HOLY SHIT! FIRST TIME CHAKRA WAS MENTIONED! HOLY FUCK!

It’s a miracle, actual show related stuff is being described!  0_0

- into her hand. Placing it on the scroll a sword materializes and she unsheathes it and begins practicing some Kendo techniques for over a few hours before deciding to head back to her apartment.

Well, the descriptiveness didn’t last long. 

-Shopping District of Konoha, the same night-

Yeah, no. Everything is fine. EvERYTHING IS FUCKING DANDY. I’M NOT MAD. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE MAD?

FUCK! I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING!

IT IS OFFICIALLY YOUR FAULT FOR THIS.

Yep, gif sums it up.

NO IT DOESN’T. THAT DOESN’T EVEN SCRATCH THE SURFACE.

It was around eight at night now and Kurotsuchi was walking the now semi quiet streets of Konoha.

Descriptions are top-notch as usual. (Read as lacking)

As the Cromulons would say: DISQUALIFIED!

 She was glad she was walking home at this time because during the day Konoha was jam packed with people moving around making it pretty challenging to walk the streets. Since it was eight now traffic had died down about 40% making travel much easier.

 40% precisely, based on what she only saw that one day.

All-Knowing Syndrome is back.

She continued walking until she heard a huge commotion up the street and saw a mob of sorts doing what she believed was chasing someone.

Taking bets now. $50 says it’s her love interest.

$40 on it being Chihiro.

''Huh, who pissed those guys off?'' She whispered to herself, ''Oh well, none of my business.''

Oh boy, villagers chasing someone at night, who ever could it be. -__-. +100 points for using originality.

She was about to turn the other direction when she heard what sounded like a child shout in pain, ''What the hell?'' She said before running towards the mob.

 Chronic Hero Syndrome +50.

As she was approaching the mob she heard various sentences being said. ''Kill the demon!''

 Yep, it’s Love Interest. -hands Coffee 50 bucks- Dammit.

I’ll take that!

''You will pay for what you did all those years ago!’’

Mob mentality of course -.-.

+2 points for great speech. -__-

''Time to die!''

Sooooo original. -___-

Oh no, not Naruto! The true MC!

Quickly, save your love interest even though you supposedly hate this town and everyone in it!

She made her way directly behind the mob and spotted a mix of shinobi and villagers carrying various weapons such as pitchforks, katanas, kusarigamas and torches.

+50 points for having professionally trained shinobi join in instead of stopping.

This is some Frankenstein-esque shit.

This is unoriginal. I see it in NEARLY EVERY DAMN NARUTO FANFIC!

Peaking (PEEKING) through the gaps of their legs (COMMA AND STOP ABUSING GERUNDS) she saw someone familiar. It was that blonde (NO E UNLESS NARUTO IS A LADY) Naruto kid from the ramen stand! The boy was in a fetal position cowering in fear before the mob.

“We are strangely prone to violence here!”

I mean if he’s ten and has this many adults wanting to beat him up, I can’t blame him.

The problem here is that the adults didn’t join in the beating, they just verbally berated him. It was the kids and teenagers that beat the hell out of him.

''These idiots are picking on some kid?

And how old are you, kid?

TEN! LIKE HIM! YOU CAN’T DO SHIT! LEAST KATHERINE HAD A PAN! I MEAN PLAN!

Well I'll show them who's boss!...Wait...I'll only cause a problem if I attack anyone from here..damn.'' She said to herself, ''Guess I'll just save the blondie and get out of here.''

You guess. It’s the only way to move the plot forward.

This is the part where you get creative and not just wing it.

Save him so you can get that sweet smoked salami later ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

With that Kurotsuchi then hops over the mob and lands in between them and the blonde (IS HE A LADY?) holding her hand protectively in front of Naruto.

Who even is Kurotsuchi? Like I do not remember her at all. Never mind, looked her up: She’s actually a nice looking character and nicely developed as a person. In This story? Not so much.

“For some reason I care about this particular piece of trash. If he’s dead, he can’t foot the bill!”

Feeling the presence of someone looming over him Naruto opens his eyes and spots a person standing in front of him separating him from the mob with their hand held in front of him as if protecting him. 'It's that girl from the Ichiraku's!' He thought recognizing the girl

Somewhere in the background, someone yelled, “One of you fuckers owes us a shit-ton of money!”

“And a new supply of ingredients!”

''Who the hell are you girl?'' One of the villagers asked

She ate more than the living black hole called Naruto.

''Why the heck are you picking on some kid? She replied

“He can’t pay his - definitely not mine- debt if he’s dead! Do you know how much he -not me- spent tonight?!”

Again MC goes back to being a heartless bitch, remembering the town is stupid and trash.

''Don't protect that demon spawn! He destroyed our village years ago and now we will destroy him and avenge our fallen comrades!'' One of the shinobi yelled

“It’s totally his fault for all of that!”

“Avenge our fallen comrades”, “He destroyed our village years ago and now we will destroy him”, “demon spawn” Nobody talks this formally anymore, get with the program.

“HE HAS WHISKERS! MUST BE ONE OF THEM THERE FURRY FELLAS!”

“That’s reason enough to kill him!”

''You're all scum for picking on a defenseless kid. Especially you (COMMA) shinobi! You're supposed to protect your comrades not hurt them let alone a poor child!" Kurotsuchi spat before one of the Chunin charged forth with a katana ready to cut Kurotsuchi down.

Somehow, they’re even worse trash than MC thought prior.

Better than ICP.

Seriously? They wouldn’t attack unless she presented herself as a threat you idiot.

What can I say? Author’s a dumbass.

'Oh man, just what I need.'

“Screw it! I don’t give a rat’s ass about my village’s reputation! Just as long as I can satisfy my BLOODLUST.”

“I don’t care if my grandpa, who's my leader, gets mad at me!”

Kurotsuchi took her katana-

Where the fuck did your katana come from?

You ask where thy magical sword is produced from? Her butt ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

Pulled straight from her ass.

Just like the author did when writing this shitfest.

and swung it with enough force to swat the Chunin's katana right out of his grip catching the man by surprise. ''What the?!'' He shouted before Kurotsuchi karate chopped his temple knocking him out cold. Chuckling in satisfaction she turns to face the crowd, ''So who's next?'' She said challenging the mob to try her

Haha, really hope no one takes her seriously… There’s no way an untrained student can take down multiple Chunin.

She’s the all powerful MC, of course she can take them all down. *heavy sarcasm*

Meh, I’m sure nobody is, maybe the chunin let her win to make her ego flare.

Just as she said that two more Chunin charged towards her with kunai in hand and like the one before she effortlessly dodged all their attacks and proceeded to knock one of them out before choking the other out cold. Tossing his body aside two villagers came at her and she performed a roundhouse kick knocking them both backwards against the nearby dumpster. After several more minutes of ass(TWO WORDS)kicking Kurotsuchi had managed to beat the mob leaving them beaten into unconsciousness. Naruto was just staring at her in awe.

Turns out they were a bunch of regular villagers. There were also apparently no guards or any form of security to prevent this. Kurotsuchi was sent back home in a bodybag.

Cos a small, untrained, child waving a big sword can defeat fully trained ninjas, and I’m sure there had to be at least ONE Jonin there.

Sooo I’m supposed to buy that she effortlessly beat up half the village, well trained shinobi and walked away without even a single scratch? Yeah, no. Not buying it.

Cracking her neck and her knuckles she lets out a sigh of content. ''Now that was worth the work out!''

 You pulverized them with as much effort as it takes most of us to sneeze and you call it a work out.

Sad this is a canon character and the Author’s using her like a Mary Sue.

She declared before Naruto started speaking, ''Wow! That was so cool! I've never seen anyone kick butt like that! You are really good!'' The blonde (IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE IMPLYING?) declared

YES! MARVEL AT HER AWESOME POWER.

But don’t the villagers kick YOUR but like that? ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

Turning to face the boy she couldn't help but smirk, ''I only beat them because shinobi in your village are weak, that's why they got what they got by a ten-year old like me. I'm awesome and they suck end of story.'' She boasted,

“I’m making this all up to impress you, even if you are a piece of trash! B-Baka!”

“I’m awesome and they suck, end of story.” Such… Oh fuck it I give up. Bring me the 50 year old scotch.

I can practically see the bubble that is her ego inflating.

Quick! Someone get a needle!

Did someone say needle? ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ I got some good fucking heroin for sale.

Nah, I’m good. I already have my coffee, the best kind of drug. (◕ヮ◕)

 ''So what did you do to make all these people want to kill you?'' ''Urm, well I never really did anything at all actually.'' He answered ''Suuuuuuuuuure.'' Kurotsuchi snorted,

I don’t know. He looks ten, but he has the eyes of a killer.

He’s a Yiffer, burn him. Oh god I just angered the Furries again.

She’s gonna learn the village secret here in the next few paragraphs I bet.

''Well it's getting late so you should head on home.'' She ordered as she handed him a handkerchief to clean off his bloody nose. ''Clean that blood off your face, you look like a mess.'' She ordered before she turns to hop over the rooftops. Just as she was about to hop Naruto reached out and grabbed her arm. ''Wait!'' Turning back Kurotsuchi shot an annoyed glare at the blonde (HE HAS A NAME YOU KNOW. OR IS IT SHE?) boy. ''What?''

 “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you skipping out of the bill!”

“OH! Sure I’ll pay it later” Never pays.

''W-what's your name?'' He asked

He’s probably going to send the bill straight to your address.

That’s what I’d do.

'Should I tell him my name or shouldn't I? Oh fine, I guess it wouldn't hurt. I mean it's only polite.' She thought

Even though politeness is something you also lacked the entire story up until now.

*coughs*bitch!*coughs*

''My name is Kurotsuchi.'' Smiling, Naruto gave her his trademark grin, ''I'm Naruto Uzumaki!'' He declared with a thumbs up. ''Um, you told me already but whatever.'' She said before hopping away

Shut your mouth! What happened to being polite?

But he didn’t tell you his LAST name tho! So there you go!

Naruto was left standing there in awe. ''She's cool...'' He mumbled to himself as a blush forms on his face

Figuratively and if I had my way, literally frozen in a block of ice to match her emotional depth.

I feel literally no connection between them. It’s AngelXEmily all over.

He then begins walking home towards his apartment complex. -Naruto's apartment complex-

You know what? Okay, fine. I’m not going to freak out about this. I will rip out your intestines and use them as a skip rope

/╲/\╭ ʕಥᴥಥʔ╮/\╱\ About time I scuttle outta here.

Naruto was making his way up the stairs of his apartment complex before coming up to his door. Reaching into his pocket he takes his keys and unlocks his door and enters it.

Descriptive descriptions are descriptive. Unlike this paragraph.

Unknown to him however that during his entire walk back to his apartment Kurotsuchi was watching him from the rooftops.

In an Edward Cullen-esque manner.

Watching him enter his apartment she then turns to head to hers. There was only one thought going through her mind.

/╲/\╭( ͡° ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ͡°)╮/\╱\ Is that the ending I see? Has God came to save us?

Why was she feeling very caring towards him?

He’s the main character.

He’s the future love interest.

So that concludes the first chapter of my attempt at a NaruKuro story. I know it won't be perfect but I hoped you enjoyed regardless

Oh, hon. We know.

CONCLUSION

The plot was shaky at best. The amount of convenient plot devices were atrocious, much like your blatant gerund-abuse. The main character isn't very likable and was hardly like the canon character you were supposedly writing. Granted, there is room for development. Your writing was lacking in descriptiveness and commas. It was a boring read, end of story. It needs work, but it is still somewhat salvageable if you take the time and actually think it through 4/10

I rate this as a single gif. WHY!? BECAUSE YOU TOOK A GREAT CANON CHARACTER, MASHED THEM WITH YOUR OWN TEEN ANGST AND SHAT IT OUT AS IF SHE WERE SOME GODDAMN MARY FUCKING SUE OC! YOU SIR DISGUST ME! AND YOU’RE ATTEMPT AT A BLOOMING ROMANCE IS SHITTY! THE PLOTS SHITTY! EVERYTHING IS SHITTY! I SWEAR TO GOD IF I HAVE TO REVIEW EVEN A SECOND MORE OF THIS SHIT I WILL FIND YOU AND STRANGLE YOU LIKE HOMER STRANGLES BART FUCKING SIMPSON! I give you my ultimate rating:

I’m calm now, anyways, that about sums my thoughts, what about you Tea?

The dialogue is incredibly unrealistic, the plot is half baked, if not completely raw. This side character has no place in Konohagakure at all but yet here we are with some idiotic and unrealistic political element that makes no sense. I give this a 1/10.

-Coffee, Tea, and Jagerbomb