#mamavinevine

[mamavinevine]

"Capricorn Mood EP" 1 Year Anniversary: a message from the artist

A year ago today I did a very brave thing. Something my 17-year old self only ever dreamed of actually doing. Not only did I expressed my vulnerability through my music, but I shared it with the world. I told the entire world just how hurt and damaged and broken I was. How I was far from perfect, but a complete mess and emotional wreck. I told them what only I could. It truly was "the concessions of a heartbroken, grief stricken, hopeless romantic".

And honestly, it felt..... humiliating.

I immediately felt like I had made a mistake. Instead of congratulating myself for all of the money and effort spent on planning, executing and promoting the entire thing on my own, there I was wishing I could take it all back.

I can remember feeling this overwhelming shame that all everyone should ever see me as is this pathetic, spiteful crybaby who got her feelings hurt over a boy. Everyone who thought I was so strong and tough would discover that I was really just soft and fragile.

The whole thing just felt like one big cry for help. And the worst part was feeling like, even after all that, no one was coming to save me.

So then why not just delete everything? Take the whole album off all streaming platforms, remove all the visuals and photoshoots from my page and forget the entire thing ever happened? I'll tell you why...

"Capricorn Mood" was the untold story of my teenage self. The one who felt so alone and different from everyone else. Who bottled up everything inside and hid behind her talents because she didn't have anyone around to tell her how brave and inspiring and beautiful she was. Who rebelled against the social norms and made the necessary mistakes needed to grow up and be self sufficient as she learned she would need to be. Even if it meant learning them the hard way. It wasn't until recently I failed to realize just how much I had been through and all those years. How little I shared or even made an effort to heal. All I ever knew was to keep going and that this life didn't come with a savior, you just always had to look out for yourself. You can imagine how extremely lonely that felt. I really believed that it was pointless to share how I felt because nobody would care or even if they did, they wouldn't stop to help. I was like a beggar on the side of the road needing way more than just a few coins dropped inside my hat and a "good luck" as they walked off. I needed help. I needed support. I need love. I need to unlearn everything that I was taught and start over from scratch.

I guess in a way you could say the year 2020 felt like it would be the end of the world for all of us. So I needed to share how I felt before then. I needed to release all the hurt and finally let go. Truth be told, had I not felt that way I probably never would've released my EP.

I didn't care so much about it being perfect. I just wanted to get it out of my system. I wanted to unload the burden of all my past mishaps and say all the things I've always wanted to say. Including the things I myself needed to hear in order to change. And when it turned out that the world wasn't going to end after all, that's exactly what I did. It was time to clean up the mess I made and stop blaming others and playing the victim. So that instead of feeling embarrassed, I could feel empowered. Instead of feeling exposed, I could feel heard. Instead of feeling trapped inside the narrative others placed me in based off of that particular phase in my life, I could feel free.

And the response I received since then has made it very clear that I am not alone. In fact, I'm actually pretty relatable to all kinds of people with different backgrounds and demographics. It was beautiful. I felt like a god who created a safe space for people to feel everything no matter how discombobulated or or outlandish or unethical. Free your mind and let whatever's inside come out. Even if you're the only one who understands. Because we all have one life to live and if you're lucky enough, you get to tell your story along the way.

Happy birthday "Capricorn Mood" ✨