#making collages keeps me sane :D

[gay-little-cloud]

pink collage !

[writingsfromhome]

Lookalike (2/2)

Part 1/2

A/N: there were a couple requests for Part II to this one, I hope it makes up for the angst of Pt I!

———————————————————————

Jules and I pretend to look at the menu at brunch, already knowing full well we were getting a large stack of pancakes and endless iced coffee. It was our usual Sunday plans for the Saturday nights we spent together.

I had crashed at Jules after the party, too down to imagine going home to an empty flat. And Jules had been more than happy, talking my ear off about the half hour she had spent with Ed, analyzing every detail and falling more in love with him, only hitting pause when I reminded her he was married.

“The usual?” Jules looks up from her menu, her nose scruchled in humour which makes me laugh in agreement. As soon as we place the order, Jules launches into what she’d been sitting on all morning: “So what was up with Harry’s new girl being your exact lookalike?”

Even though this was the last thing I wanted to discuss, I knew it would also keep me sane. “Do they not realise how she looked just like me?”

“I know I kept asking myself that every time I saw her. He’s so not over you. Did you get that vibe?”

“I don’t know Jules! He ended it! That’s so not fair. It feels like I won but I also just feel like the biggest loser ever.”

We’re interrupted by our server and soon we’ve tucked into pancakes, discussing all the details of last night and every last word of mine and Harry’s conversation.

“It’s so weird how you two ended things. I never said anything before but that doesn’t seem like something he would say? He always seemed like one of the good ones.”

“That I’m holding him back?” The words are just as painful now as they were then.

“Yeah! He was so in love with you. I just can’t believe he thought that.”

I shrug, it was those words that made it so hard for me to move on. I felt like I couldn’t trust what anyone said to me-I thought I knew Harry and our falling out just showed I hadn’t. Who knew what would happen if I trusted anyone else.

***

A couple weeks had gone by since seeing Harry, I’d mostly been able to move it to the part of my mind that only activated when I couldn’t sleep at night. If I pretended I was okay, I would eventually be okay. Right?

I decide to walk home from an interview that day instead of taking the heated tube. This was the third interview I’d been to this week and my morale was low. Days like these, I wondered why I even went to uni when I could have stayed in my family’s food business. Who wanted to be depressed and barely making rent when I could have been well-fed and still home. I sigh.

I step into the supermarket as I near closer to home to pick up a few essentials. In line, I notice the trashy magazines with the collage of pictures. But one of them...is me. I do a double take before I snatch it up.

This was definitely me, in the club with Harry. My face is only half in the light, Harry’s profile is clear. It’s when he took me off to the side to talk. How did papparazzi get into the club?

I quickly pay for my groceries and the magazine and rush home, barely putting my bags on the countertop before I rip the glossy pages open.

Is Harry secretly dating twins or does he just have a thing for lookalikes?

A side by side of the picture on the front with me and a photo of Harry walking through a park with Katy. Katy is turned to the side, saying something to Harry. You can see plain as day the similarity. The world knew! I was in a bloody gossip magazine and the world saw what I saw! Harry was dating somebody who looked exactly like me!

I try Jules but she goes to voice mail. I didn’t even know what to do with this information. I always thought my first time in a magazine would be for something far more important.

I sit, try to take some deep breaths. I needed to talk to somebody about this. I look at the spread again and realise there was nothing there about my identity. Nobody knew who I was. At least there was that.

My spiralling is interrupted by an unknown caller. Thinking it was Jules from work, I pick up without checking.

“Y/N,” Harry’s distinct voice carries through the phone to me and it has the same effect as always. I instantly unclench my shoulders but stay on guard. Why was he calling me?

“Harry,” I clear my throat. “What...why are you calling?”

“Um, I don’t know if you’ve been on Twitter and seen the shots...my publicist asked me to reach out to you because...” I almost laugh. Of course it was just business. Why did I think Harry was calling for me. About us. “...and if you can just lay low for a bit. He was saying...”

I zone out again to Harry’s quiet tone. He was probably with his publicist now. I wondered how much heat he was in. I glance at the picture again, trying to see what the outside world saw. It was intimate, I had to admit. Harry’s hand balanced on the wall I was leaning on. His eyes are trained on me and so is what you can see of mine. You can tell we knew each other, Jules would even call that gazing. I wonder what Katy thought. Why did I even care!

“If all you’re calling is to tell me to wait for the photos to calm down, you don’t have to worry.” I cut Harry off. “I’m not famous or anything, that’s your job remember?”

There’s silence on his end, I hear a whisper somewhere-was I on speakerphone?

“Ah great. Thank you Y/N, I owe you.”

“Don’t bother,” I hang up, ignoring the sting.

***

There were some days that just felt harder than others, and I wasn’t sure where it came from, but I could barely get out of bed the next few days. My job search felt useless, I felt so lonely and used, I didn’t know why I couldn’t move on from my past. Why I was sabotaging my future like this.

It was 2pm and I had gotten up for a late breakfast before hiding under the covers again. London was rainy and I couldn’t be bothered.

Jules calls me after work, by then the sun was a lot lower in the sky and my stomach was starting to grumble in hunger. “I’m buying you a get well dinner, I’m swinging by in twenty and you better be ready.” Jules was no nonsense.

“But I really-“

“No butts except yours in a cute outfit. I’ll call you when I’m there.”

***

“Jules this is fancy,” I gasp when we pull up to a dimly lit restaurant I knew was owned by a celebrity chef.

“Don’t worry, it’s on me. I can smell the fact you didn’t take a shower recently, so I know you’ve been in bed all day. You need this.”

Tears spring to my eyes and I pull Jules into a tight hug. “I’d be in a ditch somewhere without you.”

Everything is going perfectly, I even begin to feel myself relaxing and forgetting about my worries temporarily. But it’s like the universe really couldn’t give me a break.

“Don’t look right now,” Jules says as she casts her eyes to our dessert. “But the devil himself just walked in with your doppleganger.”

“What?” I whisper. “Are you kidding? Here?”

“Shh,” Jules switches to a laugh and launches into a story as if she were midway through it. “So I’ll be doing casts of people’s heads next week and-Harry hi!”

I slowly turn, the blood rushing to my head, pounding against my ears. He’s in a stylish black button up and perfectly tailored trousers, his hand holds Katy’s who is wearing a fitted checkered dress. Her eyes meet mine and I attempt to smile but she looks away-so much for being friendly.

“Jules, Y/N, what a surprise. To bump into you two here.” Harry sounds closed off.

“We’re celebrating, so I picked the fanciest place I know. You can join in the celebration if you want?” Jules says cheerily.

I kick Jules under the table but she barely glances at me, still smiling up at Harry. I finally look at Harry and he’s watching me. Our eyes meet for one, two, three seconds, and he breaks contact.

“Best not to, what with all the stories right now...it was nice uhm seeing you ladies.” Harry looks nervous, his other hand running through his hair before he trails after the waiter who’s showing them to their table.

“What was that?” I hiss at Jules. I don’t bother even responding to Harry. He wanted to make it business so I would keep my personal feelings out.

“It’s so obvious Harry and his girl are one date away from breaking up.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Did you not see the same couple I saw?” Jules exclaims. “Mega. Tension.”

I eye them again from where I sit, no one’s smiling or talking. They stare at their menus. Then suddenly, Harry looks to the side and our eyes meet. Shit.

“Can we change the topic?” I ask, my body is breaking out in a sweat and I couldn’t piece together what I felt. Why I still felt a connection with Harry when he thought he was too good for me or why every inch of my body was aware of Harry in the room.

Jules changes the topic as requested and the rest of the evening is spent on edge. I turn down Jules’ offer to get drinks. I just wanted to be alone; today had been a roller coaster. And I was tired, I don’t even change when I get home. I simply collapse onto the couch and turn on the TV.

But at midnight on the dot, I receive a text.

I know I don’t deserve to ask, but can I see you? -H

I cross check the number to the one that called me before and it’s the same. This was Harry, wanting to see me. But after how he’d treated me-not even how he left me, but the way he played with me at the club and then left it strictly business on the phone, I didn’t want to deal with him.

You’re right, you don’t deserve to ask, I respond. I had to have some self respect if I wanted to move on from this part of my life.

I just need to explain, please? I’ll leave you alone after this if that’s what you want.

It was like holding my breath underwater knowing I’d come up for air eventually. It was just a matter of when I’d crumble. After re-reading his text, I come up for air. I let him know the door was unlocked, he knew this flat inside out. He knew where to come if he wanted to talk. And I swore I’d just let him talk and then take him up on his offer to leave me alone.

It was as if he were in the lobby because I hear the door open a few minutes later.

“Were you downstairs the whole time?” I ask as he walks in, his magnetism undeniable.

“Uh,” he pauses by the doorway. “I guess I should have given it a few before I charged up?”

I shake my head, fighting back a smile. Harry was never a good liar, but a very good charmer.

“Do you want a drink?” I ask out of habit.

“Ah no...no. Y/N...I just want to explain some things.”

I sit back down and Harry walks over tentatively, perching on the sofa himself, his long legs stretching out. It was weird seeing him back here.

“What did you want to say?” I ask.

“Firstly, that I’m an idiot and I’m sorry.” He looks down at his hands, barely making eye contact. “I regret so many things but the way I treated you is number one. Everything’s just a bloody mess and I keep getting deeper into this pile of shite I created.”

I raise my eyebrow, where was he going with this.

“Right so I...I had to call you that day, about those photos. I really didn’t care if people saw you with me or not but I realised if they found out who you were, you may not get any peace so that’s the only reason I agreed to call you when my manager said I should-“

“Yeah since I’m not cut out for fame, right?”

“No, no tha...” Harry sighs, I was being petty and I knew it. I ease up and let him continue. “That’s not it. I didn’t want you to be harassed every time you stepped out. But what I was trying to say is...Y/N I’m sorry for the way I ended things. It was a shitshow-“

“That’s right,” I interrupt, I couldn’t help it. “It cheapened the whole relationship. Harry I don’t even know who you are or what you want with me anymore. You claimed you were too good for me, I was holding you back-“

“I didn’t mean any of it! I heard you that day.” Harry stops my rambling. “I heard you on the phone with your mum, saying you were thinking of deferring your last semester to join me on tour. It killed me! I knew you were going to do it. But I would hear you talking about your studies and...you love what you do-but you were willing to put it aside to be with me? I couldn’t let you do that. I’m not worth that Y/N. And I tried to word it but you know how shite I am at words. It was a slippery slope and before I knew it you were angry at me at something I didn’t even mean. But it was better that, than you going on tour and realising you didn’t want to be with me and realising you’d wasted your year for nothing.”

The silence that follows his confession is loaded. I can barely swallow. But I can see his relief at unloading, the burden lifts from his shoulders, he finally looks at me with hesitance. But the burden settles on my own shoulders. All this time, all the weeks turned to months I had felt my lowest and this breakup had just added to it...it was all just a misunderstanding, a way for Harry to push me away because he thought he was protecting me. Where did that leave me? Leave us?

“Why are you telling me this now?” I choke out, tears threatening to fall.

“Because I realised...I realised I still love you. I bloody love you and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. Katy is a wonderful woman but she was a stand-in...I was only looking for you. I...” Harry gets up and walks over to the window to catch his breath. “I’m ashamed it took me this long to realise I was dating your lookalike. She looked just like you Y/N, how did I not see that? I was just trying to hold onto you.”

He turns to me and his eyes have a wild look, I can’t imagine all the trouble he’d gotten in since those photos. With his team and his girlfriend. And here he didn’t even know his girlfriend was just a lookalike. He literally went out and dated my lookalike and he hadn’t even realised! The thought bursts my tension like a bubble, a giggle escapes me and Harry furrows his brows.

“Are you laughing?” He asks. Which sends me into a full blown laugh. The reality of what happened between us settles over me, I feel a sense of clarity. All this anger and hurt I’d held onto for so long was just Harry’s fucked up insecurity pushing me away. He never meant a thing. And I feel lighter than I had in forever: He didn’t hate me, I was enough for him.

“I-you didn’t even...” my words trail off as I’m overtaken by more laughter. “When did you realise she looked-“ I manage to get out.

Harry begins chuckling at this point as he sits back down, closer to me than before.

“Well as soon as I saw the two of you side by side that night. I knew I fucked up.”

I fall back and laugh harder, but as I catch my breath again, a sob bubbles up in it’s place and pretty soon my laughing fit has turned into crying.

Harry looks on, confused by my manic descension. “Y/N...” he sounds unsure.

“Jesus, Styles, You put me through hell.” I say as I gain control of myself again, taking a few breaths to calm down. “I was at my lowest because of you. I was barely living here.”

Harry moves back, “I’m sorry Y/N. You don’t know how sorry I am. I hated myself for doing that to you. And I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you if I have to.”

“How?” I demand. “We’re on two different paths remember? And you’re dating Katy.”

“We broke up after those pictures,” Harry moves closer to me again. “We just had to keep up pretense for the paps. And who bloody cares if we’re on two different paths. We’ll build a bridge or something. We’ll make it work.”

Harry’s voices grows deeper as he moves in closer, lowered so I couldn’t hear it if I were across the room. I don’t stop the smile overtaking my face, I’d felt ungrounded for so long. Harry being here, promising me a future where we can make it work, it felt like my old roots were finding me again. I feel myself shedding the darkness I’d been clouded under for so long.

“You’re radiant,” Harry gazes at me, his hand coming up to the side of my face and I feel the heat rush to my face.

“You’re charming,” I try not to give in too easily but he made it difficult with the way he grins, his eyes drifting to my lips.

“As for how I can make it up to you,” Harry whispers to them before he looks back up at me. “I can think of a few ways.”

He slowly leans the rest of the way in and every one of my senses are overwhelmed as he kisses me the way he always did. The way he was always meant to. The way we always would.

I wasn’t too fussy. With each kiss Harry leaves across my face, my neck, my body, I forgive him a little more until there’s just me and him and nothing else between us.

[theyearoftheking]

Book Twenty-Seven: The Tommyknockers

“Late last night and the night before, Tommyknockers, Tommyknockers. Knocking at the door. I was crazy and Bobbi was sane But that was before the Tommyknockers came...”

Last night at dinner, I was explaining the plot of The Tommyknockers to my family, and told them the book completely jumped the shark when a soda machine killed a guy. 

My husband innocently asked, “What kind of soda?”

Me: “It was a Coke machine.”

Slow blinks all around the table. There’s a deep metaphor for you, wrapped in just a hint of irony. 

Guys, The Tommyknockers was a shit show, and I really hated reading it. It dragged on forever, I wasn’t even sure what was happening until almost the end, and all of the characters just melded together into an unappetizing blob. The last few pages gave me the closure I needed, and I will be happy to never crack the spine of this book ever again. 

The only redeeming, interesting thing about this book, was how many other Steve universe references there were. Ready for the list? Because yeah... I kept track...

The town of Cleaves Mills (The Dead Zone)

Multiple mentions of Derry (It)

Ka: (Dark Tower)

Jack Sawyer* and The Alhambra (The Talisman)

*Jack discussed his mother dying in a drunk driving related car crash. Soo, that’s an interesting update. 

“Sometimes he would lie in the dark and think he heard chuckling noises coming from the drains...” (It)

“...he heard the story of a fellow named John Smith, who had taught in the nearby town of Cleaves Mills for a while. Smith had been in a coma for years, had awakened with some sort of psychic gift. He went nuts a few years ago- had tried to assassinate a fellow named Stillson...” (Dead Zone)

These easter eggs were fun, but not enough to justify reading this book, or picking it up ever again. 

The Tommyknockers is a weird convoluted story about writer Roberta (Bobbi) Anderson, who lives on her uncle’s secluded farm in Haven, Maine. She and her beagle, Peter, are out for a walk one morning when she finds a rounded metal edge sticking up out of the Earth. 

Beagles... to know them is to love them. This book should come with a trigger warning for animal cruelty. Just throwing that out there.

Meanwhile, Bobbi’s friend and former lover, Jim Gardener is making a drunken ass of himself after a poetry reading, and manages to offend most of his collages, before he’s eventually kicked out of the party.

He wakes up hella hungover outside The Alhambra, and hitchhikes to Bobbi’s place. He finds Bobbi looking thin and unhealthy, Peter the dog is dead, and all her appliances are running on battery power instead of electricity. Oh, and she cranked out an entire novel (maybe the best one she’s ever written) in three weeks. It’s like she’s on battery-operated meth. 

Bobbi tells Gardener about the strange metal thing she found in the woods, and they spend all their time digging it up. Gardener has a metal plate in his head, so is immune to the strange energy this metal thing puts off, but Bobbi keeps getting thinner, her teeth are falling out (meth!!), and her skin is getting translucent. 

The other folks in town are soon drawn to the strange metal disc in the woods, and random shit starts happening in town. The most heartbreaking is when little Hilly Brown conducts a magic show and makes his brother David disappear... and he can’t bring him back. The adults assume he was abducted, but Hilly is hysterical and no one will listen to him. 

But the people in town are very protective of their new metal meth machine, and kill any outsiders who try to come into town and find out more about it. This includes Bobbi’s sister Anne; a formidable woman coming to drag her sister home for their father’s funeral. 

The townspeople finally get the metal meth machine unearthed, and they find out it’s a UFO... with a bunch of dead aliens inside. And the aliens look a lot like the townspeople of Haven: translucent skin, no teeth... od’d on meth. My favorite was when one of the male citizens of Haven smears himself with his wife’s Max Factor make-up in an attempt to look human again. 

I’m slightly unclear about this part, but there’s a shed where they keep dead bodies for energy? Or something? But Peter the dog, and Anne the sister are both strung up there, along with some murder vacuums. I don’t know. 

Eventually, Gardener starts Bobbi’s whole property on fire, and flies the saucer out of Haven. I think. And most of the meth-ed out townspeople end up killing themselves. The end was a little loose. I won’t spoil the last two pages, because that was really the best part of the whole damn book. 

It was a mess. I don’t recommend it. If I wasn’t participating in this challenge, I would have just chucked the book, and moved onto something else. But here we are!! You’re welcome, constant readers! 

Total Wisconsin Mentions: 16

Total Dark Tower References: 22

Book Grade: D-

Rebecca’s Definitive Ranking of Stephen King Books

The Talisman: A+

Misery: A+

Different Seasons: A+

It: A+

The Shining: A-

The Stand: A-

The Drawing of the Three: A-

Skeleton Crew: B+

The Dead Zone: B+

‘Salem’s Lot: B+

Carrie: B+

Creepshow: B+

Cycle of the Werewolf: B-

Danse Macabre: B-

The Running Man: C+

Thinner: C+

The Eyes of the Dragon: C+

The Long Walk: C+

The Gunslinger: C+

Pet Sematary: C+

Firestarter: C+

Rage: C

Cujo: C-

Nightshift: C-

Roadwork: D

Christine: D

The Tommyknockers: D-

Next up is a lovely palate cleanser of a book: Nightmares in the Sky. I flipped through it while on a boring compliance call yesterday, and it was the perfect brain break. If I had a coffee table, I’d put this beautiful book on it. Stay tuned for that review in about an hour...

Until next time, Long Days & Pleasant Nights,

Rebecca