#mainly bc professors are beginning to check

[gatorinator]

Someone just asked me “am I going to hell if I used chatGPT to do my religion homework” and my response was “all things are created by God.”

[troglobite]

lkjaslkdfj

my plan was to do all my game planning and then take a shower before dinner

i ate dinner at 11 pm and i worked for 6-7 hours before that doing fucking game planning

which involved

writing around the base knowledge of 2 professors at the fictional university that i had directed a player towards for conversations about complex questions about interplanar issues and a patient at the clinic her character works at--all so that she could ask them any questions on the topic and i would have a good idea of their answers, viewpoints, and responses

rereading my own notes from: a 3 page nat 20 investigation check into a public records office for a player from like 3 months ago, conversation notes and prep for like 3 different NPCs a player spoke with from previous sessions, worldbuilding information including the global-since-the-beginning-of-time timeline to fact check myself about some details, the world knowledge doc i gave to one player to make sure the information i was crafting for tomorrow aligned--and i'm sure more.

attempting to research the hierarchical (or non-hierarchical) structures of various irl world religions, finding it utterly futile, and ultimately resorting to attempting to craft religious formations out of thin air and some word association for some of the 24 extant deities in my world, all in case any players want or need to speak w someone from those faiths

trying to find more information about fair pricing for items in the game and making a mental note about which prices i'm going to change/scale because common, uncommon, rare, etc. are just not good signifiers of price

oh right i also had to reread my notes from a previous session where i built an entire holiday festival for them with a shitload of booths and shops they never even went to--including a series of like 12 trivia questions about the world for a trivia game they could've played but didn't, which i had spent hours writing on the off-chance it came up and to help them get more engaged w the world at large. i reread it for the bits of trivia i had to fact check myself, and ALSO bc there were shops in there they never visited. and i had to have at least one shop for them to visit.

they asked for "armor upgrades" and the only specific i was given by one player was the most overpowered underpriced set of armor from the most obscure fucking source book that i immediately had to say no to, and then i got no other specifics, so i just have to be prepared to figure out an enchantment and various issues w it at the fucking table

i created 2 NPCs who are students at the school w them who are entirely different people but are known for doing discounted work enchanting and making armor and weapons, which, given their current funds of like 1.5k gold, is really their only option. (i still included the official store i made for the festival, because the player who didn't tell me anything she wanted until THIS FUCKING AFTERNOON just said "armor" and nothing else i'm going to scream, have fun finding out how fucking expensive everything is)

creating a timeline for the aftermath at the major library and the 7 campus's archives (mainly just the central one) to figure out its status right now, since it had innumerable volumes and manuscripts stolen in the attack on the festival that happened in-game during a session. this basically resulted in me making things chaotic and having to figure out what sections are missing a lot of texts and which aren't.

creating a timeline and current status of the aftermath of the attacks on government officials and civil servants that also happened at that attack on the festival--which involved figuring shit out for like 6 different fucking cities and summarizing newspaper blurbs on the off-chance anyone asks about that shit in-game.

coming up w multiple sections of this GIANT library that would exist in this fictional world, then figuring out which texts from those sections were stolen, and then figuring out which ones were left that fit the "false god sightings" research "question" i was given by my player literally this fucking afternoon even though she knew she wanted to do this FOR OVER A FUCKING MONTH AND COULD'VE TOLD ME ANY OF THE 7 TIMES I ASKED HER ABOUT IT.

writing summaries and overviews of multiple texts in these sections, and making sure i have my bases covered in case she asks particular specific questions. praying and begging and pleading that she doesn't ask anything too far out of left field where i can't just say "sorry you don't find anything bc the librarians and archivists are all busy right now and that section is basically empty"

making notes for a possible conversation for that player w her aasimar celestial partner/guide.

all of that alone for that one player amounted to over 1800 words written. just for her.

scrambling to come up w some quick things for the fifth player in case she shows up completely fucking unannounced

finishing planning the ENTIRE CITY that they're going to go to

developing and fleshing out (as much as i could) the NPC who's going to be their point person on this mission

developing and fleshing out the very beginning of their mission so that they can be given some information but not all of it, because i'm going to end the session at a particular moment to give myself at least 2 more weeks before i have to have the entire in-game class trip fully planned out

making an entire playlist for this new city

things i did not manage to do

shower

make a list of the important things we need to discuss in my Checkpoint/Check-in Conversation that i'm going to make everyone have tomorrow before the game begins

also this does not included mentally preparing to instead start at 12 and not 1 because one player hates two of the other players so much that she refuses to roleplay in front of them until she gets back in the swing of things.

she was going to just not roleplay things that i have had planned for like three fucking months and that are NARRATIVELY IMPORTANT BECAUSE THEY ALL ASKED FOR A FUCKING OVERARCHING CAMPAIGN PLOT AND A NOT A MONSTER OF THE WEEK STYLE CAMPAIGN

but when i PRESSED and was like this actually HAS to happen in roleplay, so just come early, please

that's happening instead

so now i've shifted up my timeline

except that my health has been in shambles. i'm not going to bother getting into the stupid fucking details of it all.

so today i woke up, ate some food, Nearly Fucking Perished, and then had to nap it off. by the time i was able to get up and start working, it was like 4. i was working until 11. at which point i finally ate dinner and we watched the last two episodes of season one of big door prize (which btw is REALLY good, highly recommend, it's v interesting).

and now it's 2:30

i'm too tired to shower right now

which means i have to get up even earlier than i normally would, bc showering for me is like an hour long process bc again my body is FUCKING STUPID.

and this isn't even counting the like 3 hours??? or more? i did of gameplanning yesterday

and i couldn't do anything earlier this week

bc only two players had confirmed they could make it to the game on sunday/tomorrow EVEN THOUGH EVERYBODY HAD AGREED TO THAT DATE AND TIME PREVIOUSLY

and on top of that i spent monday cleaning for eight hours straight to the detriment of my physical fucking health so i need two full days to recover

and then, i had done like an hour of brainstorming a week ago or something to have an outline of the class session

bc that was all i could

bc even though i asked everyone three fucking times to tell me what they wanted to accomplish in the game (bc the format is odd! they're in miss frizzle's class which meets once a week! they're at a school! this is not a traditional campaign format w a party system that travels together all the time! there is downtime! they can DO THINGS!!! APART FROM EACH OTHER!!!) and to tell me what they wanted to buy

nobody told me anything until like wednesday this week

1 player and i had already talked about it at the beginning of may bc we were SUPPOSED to have a session on the 20th that she couldn't be at. she is, so far, the only responsible player--and yet, still waffles around her boundaries and comfort in a way that makes me Insane--and is the one i'm like 'yes i would co-dm with you, that sounds awesome' and i genuinely think it would be.

so i had 2-3 days to prepare this entire game session

and it's still not really done

and things are STILL up in the air

and i'm just like. shaking with anxiety tremors right now.

i love the city i built for this upcoming class trip of theirs.

i love the idea i've made for their trip and the encounters and everything, even though basically nothing is fully fleshed out (except for the city's structure and like, the Context for the trip)

i love making a rich world that, hopefully, feels tangible and fun and interesting

i'm excited abt the overarching plot they specifically asked me to make

but i am so fucking tired of doing work I AM NOT BEING PAID FOR to the detriment of my own health for people who will not fucking communicate with me

the player who didn't tell me anything she wanted to do until THIS AFTERNOON when i EXPLICITLY asked for information NO LATER THAN FRIDAY NIGHT? and then her information was "armor" and "i want to research false god sightings" which necessitated the library shit the book shit and the city government officials shit.

she APPARENTLY--despite saying 2 weeks ago that she would be "free all day" to play--was going to HAVE TO FUCKING WORK tomorrow and DIDN'T TELL ME THIS. AT ANY POINT. IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS.

AND TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT SHE ENDED UP NOT HAVING TO WORK

WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU NOT TELL ME THAT?!?!?!

and now i have to fucking write a list of everything that i need to cover and ask them and to clarify about the fucking game and all this shit

bc the sheer amount of disrespect--or rather, the COMPLETE LACK of consideration for me and my time and my work on this--

is fucking killing me.

i volunteered to do this bc we all agreed it would be fun

we had a session zero to cover all of this kind of shit

and it's just. like. wow. okay. so that didn't mean fucking anything.

and we have to talk about player boundaries as well.

bc even though LITERALLY ALL OF THEM ENTHUSIASTICALLY AGREED TO PC AND NPC ROMANCE POTENTIAL

one player has entered a possible romance (that began w what the PC was a one night stand) and one particular player (the one who apparently was possibly gonna have to work/couldn't make it to the game and didn't tell me anything she wanted until less than 24 hours before the fucking game) made a whole fucking fuss about how "gross" it was to hear us "be so explicit" about the sex

she's a lesbian who gleefully makes pussy jokes all the fucking time

but two queer men in the game (the player is not a man, but her character is) have sex and we make vague jokes about it and that apparently is too gross for her.

i tried addressing it in the moment when it happened

i literally sent them a 4 question form for the session zero (which btw they didn't fucking fill out until the last fucking minute)

one of those questions was about things they absolutely 100% did not want described in detail or included in the game

you know what wasn't on there?

sex jokes and vague descriptions about characters and their sex lives

what the FUCK is the point of a session zero if you don't say what might actually bother you?

also what the FUCK is wrong with you that you would LOUDLY INTERRUPT SOMEONE ELSE'S RP FUN to proclaim that you find it gross?

also i'm not even touching on some other stuff that has been driving me nuts w other players.

these are my friends and v few of them are fucking acting like it.

time to go make a list of the shit that i need to cover tomorrow.

really wish i wasn't feeling the energy of the angry public school teacher who's past their fucking limit.

[guardianofjunmyeon]

Black Flowers (One-shot)

Pairing: Baekhyun x Reader

Genre: Angst

Description: Baekhyun sees black flowers when he hallucinates. You happen to show up at his mental hospital and look a lot like a girl he once liked in his Chemistry class.

Warning(s): Schizophrenia, Mental illness mentions

A/N: This was a Jongdae fic at first (I like writing Jongdae okay) and I changed it to Baek bc i wrote IGY and didn’t want sad Jongdae with happy Jongdae. So here is sad Baek. This isn’t even romantic, it’s actually just kind of fucked up with slight 2nd person tbh.

They say that you can tell that you’re dreaming or hallucinating when you’re able to pick out the one detail that just isn’t right. The one detail that is abnormal to your everyday life. Some people hear voices of loved ones who’ve died. Others see people casually walking in the street with shoeless feet.

For Baekhyun, it’s black flowers.

He doesn’t always see them, because they’re quite good at hiding themselves during the hallucinations, but when he sees them he knows that what he thinks is real is not.

The first time he had a hallucination he was in his Chemistry class. Everything was going fine until he saw birds flying into the classroom window and nearly breaking the glass entirely. He fell out of his seat and screamed outright, but no one else seemed to see the birds at all.

The black flowers found themselves on his professor’s desk.

He tried to explain to his friends what happened, but they assumed that he was just being his usual joking self. It took him a full 2 weeks to convince them that he wasn’t joking around this time.                                                

The rumors began to spread that Baekhyun was crazy.

Needless to say, after that incident people began to look at him differently and his 2nd year of university sucked.

The second time wasn’t long after the first. He was in the library studying when he saw a huge tarantula crawling up the arm of the girl next to him. He tried to subtly inch away from the beast slowly making its way up the girl’s body, but the girl didn’t seem bothered by it in the least.

He kept his mouth closed and stared at the pen in her hand topped with a black flower eraser. He blinked and the next thing he knew, both the spider and the eraser were gone.

Baekhyun kept this to himself.

For the rest of the year he would see things on and off, and more often than not, he would see some kind of black flower somewhere and then he could snap himself out of it. He just had to find the black flowers.

The visions would come to him at the worst times. While he was in the middle of taking his test, he would see his arm falling off. When he was driving his car, the roads would break apart and fire would erupt from the streets (he tries not to drive thanks to the car accident he got into after that one). If he managed to go on a date, their faces would contort into something gruesome and he’d begun to question whether or not his hallucinations were reality and what he once thought was real was just…one long dream or figment of his imagination.

He was beginning to think that he was genuinely in hell.

At that point, Baekhyun checked himself into a mental hospital.

He couldn’t trust his friends, and although he tried convince them, his family wouldn’t believe what he was saying. Telling everyone that he was taking a year off to travel, Baekhyun went to the one place he could think of where his delusions would be taken seriously.

The first day there he had way too many discussions with doctors for him to even keep up with. They all asked the same questions.

What do you think is wrong?

What are your symptoms?

When did it start?

How often do you get these “visions”?

Do you feel as though they are a threat to your safety?

Although he felt as though they were going to use all of the information against him, he answered as truthfully as he could because he wants to get better, and no one else was going to help him.

He was admitted a few hours after that.

“Byun Baekhyun.” Hearing his name, he looked up. He sees the nurse who comes in to deliver meds to all the other patients with the straight face that he always wears. For someone who is meant to be helping others, nurse Oh never seems very happy. Baekhyun raises his hand, not getting up from his spot near the window.

He knows the nurse hates when he has to do more work than the minimum, and watching the tall boy scowl in annoyance is just enough to entertain him for the day.

He’s handed a paper cup with 3 different pills. One to stop the visions and two to help fight the side effects of the first. They make him tired, and they only work half the time, but he knows that it’s better than nothing. He swallows down the large pills and opens his mouth for the nurse to see that he’s taken them like a non-problematic patient would.

With a grunt, nurse Oh leaves to hand out medication to the others.

It’s been maybe a few months since he got here, he isn’t sure. The routine is so strict that everyday feels the same and he can’t distinguish between the meal he ate yesterday and the meal he ate a week ago.

He gets called into his group session and listens in silence to everyone talk around him. The therapist facilitates the conversations, and Baekhyun tries his hardest to avoid speaking more than necessary. He doesn’t get the point of the sessions. They only make him feel more trapped here. He wonders if the doctors even plan on letting any of them go.

He’s seen plenty of people come in, in the months that he’s been here but he hasn’t seen a single person leave.

“Baekhyun?” he looks for the source of his name. The therapist looks at him from his spot lounged in his seat.

“Yes Mr. Kim?” the therapist sighs exasperatedly while the others in the circle laughs quietly.

“I told you to call me Minseok, Baekhyun,” he says with a tired smile. Baekhyun sets his lips in a line before nodding understandingly.

“Alright Mr. Kim.” The other patients chuckle even louder. Baekhyun fights off his winning grin. He thrives on laughter and stirring up issues. Since the hallucinations started he hadn’t been able to get the reactions he wants out of those at his university.

That’s one of the good things about this center.

His name is called and he grabs the cup with his daily pills from the nurse. He grabs his blanket tightly in his hand and wraps it around his shoulders before perching himself in front of the TV in the common room.

A rerun of some old show is playing, and he only half pays attention to it. His focus is interrupted by the girl sitting on the ground next to one of the windows. She’s got her legs crossed and she’s hunched over scribbling furiously on a page that looks a lot like a children’s coloring book, mumbling angrily under her breath.

He’s never seen her here before.

Her name is called out and she snaps up from her spot to look for who called her, Baekhyun quickly averts his eyes when she looks in his direction. He isn’t sure why he’s afraid to make eye contact with her. It wouldn’t be the weirdest thing that she’d encounter in this place.

One of the nicer nurses is the one she gets her medicine from, nurse Kim but everyone calls him by his name. Jongin. He wonders what must be her issue to be given the nicest of the staff assigned to her.

He tries to tune back in to the television, but finds it all too hard to not ease drop. He keeps his eyes on the TV but tunes into the conversation with his ears.

He hears Jongin say something about her schedule and her group therapy session. She asks what that is. Jongin explains it simply and he can almost hear the smile in his voice. He welcomes her the facility and then there is silence. Baekhyun strains to listen for more of the conversation and frowns annoyed.

“Were you listening in to my conversation?” startled, Baekhyun jumps away from the girl who had managed to sneak up to him.

“Wha- What? Of course not? What kind of person do you think I am?” he asks incredulously.

She tsks and looks at the television. “You were leaning so far towards us that you almost fell off the couch. Not to mention the TV is off and yet you’re focused on it as if you’re watching the news.” Baekhyun opens his mouth to rebut, but when he realizes that he has accidentally turned the television off when he started to lean in their direction, the words die on his tongue.

He settles for a weak, “Sorry.”

She settles on the cushion next to him silently. Swallowing nervously, Baekhyun turns the television back on. “So, what are you in here for?” she asks not even after 3 seconds of mutual silence with the TV on.

“Schizophrenia. Mainly with visual processing abnormalities,” he says as simply as if he was asked his name. He looks at her. “And you?”

“Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and occasional Minor Depressive Disorder,” she replies. She smiles too happily for her words. “Nothing major,” she adds. She snorts out a light laugh at her joke and focuses back on the television after having gotten the information she wanted from him.

He laughs awkwardly beside her and faces the TV as well. “So, what’s your name?”

“What?”

“Your name? You know, the thing people typically call you.”

“Oh, uh Baekhyun.”

“Nice to meet you Baekhyun,” she offers him a genuine smile. Before he can ask, she gives him her name.

And that’s how you and Baekhyun met.

Weeks passed and the two of you get closer and people in the hospital dwindling. You promised that you could help him escape, and he promised to believe you. You’d both seen various patients beginning to disappear with each day and it was setting you both on edge.

Baekhyun hadn’t figured out the pattern yet. He just knew that it was always Dr. Zhang that would come and meet the person, and then at some point they’d go to the back room and never come back. He didn’t know what happened back there, but he knew it wasn’t good. The only way out is through the front door. He’d snuck in and seen the map of the building when Minseok had left his office door open, so he knows.

When Dr. Zhang came to see him for the first time, he knew that he was doomed. No much was said. Dr. Zhang introduced himself with a dimpled smile and an air of fabricated aloofness. Once the doctor was gone, Baekhyun immediately ran to find you.

In whispered voices the two of you began to speculate the reasoning behind the unexplained disappearances. None of the staff seemed to care, and when either of you brought up the name of one of the missing patients, it was as if no one had ever heard of them. You both knew that there was a Park Chanyeol in the building 3 days ago.

It was then that you brought up escape once again. “I promise I know how to get us out of here.”

“You’re bullshitting me aren’t you?”

“I wouldn’t dare.” Your words were steady, and although Baekhyun was hesitant to believe them he believed in you. He knew it was slightly fucked, having a crush in a mental hospital. He was labeled crazy himself, there was no way he should be having gross romantic, and at times not-so-pure thoughts about another “crazy” person.

That didn’t mean he tried too hard to stop himself. It’s hard not falling for the one person that reminds you of normalcy. The one other person who makes you remember that you weren’t always here and labeled a lunatic by others. It’s even harder to not fall for the one other person around who was able to make him smile and dream of life outside of the hospital again.

He had begun to accept his fate as a permanent resident in the god forsaken place.

So, he listened to your plan. One involving the air ducts and distractions like the ones in the movies. He listened, and knew it was…well, crazy.

But he was desperate.

And you wanted to help.

The plan was to be put in action right before dawn. That way you both could get away and have time to gather distance before the sun was fully in the sky.

You left, and Baekhyun was left to his thoughts in his room. If he got out, where would he go? Would his family just take him back? Would the hospital come looking for him? Would he start to hallucinate again?

Could he convince you to stay with him?

Sleep came easily. It was waking up that was problematic. His mind had come to life, but he couldn’t get his body to follow its command. Through his closed lids he knew there were bright lights. He could hear the voices of people around him. Their words foreign to his ears. Until he could pick out 3 that sent a chill down his spine.

Lobotomy.

Serum.

Powers.

“He’s awake,” he hears a male voice say monotonously. “Tighten the restraints.”

His eyes struggled to open and when they finally peeled apart he was blinded by white light and masked faces. His eyes adjusted and he squinted trying to recognize the faces around him. He pulled against the thick belts around his wrist and legs, only realizing there was no way to get out on his own when he felt the restraint around his neck.

Tears sprang to his eyes as panic filled his veins like poison.

“He won’t take the surgery if he’s panicked, give me a minute with him.” You. That was your voice.

“10 minutes,” another male voice says. “This may be your procedure, but we’re still on a schedule.”

“I know Yixing.” Footsteps and mumbling fades as bodies leave the room. You untighten the restraint at his neck and his hands. “Look Baekhyun-”

“Your procedure? You’re a doctor?”

“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you. You wouldn’t have…been as open with me if you’d know about what I do,” you explain softly. The first tear rolls down his face, slow and fat. Full of betrayal. He’d trusted you. Told you about himself. Told you things he hadn’t dared told his closest friends back home.

But it made sense. The way you were treated in the hospital. You were given liberties the others didn’t have. They were subtle, but they were there. You only talked to him, and he never once actually saw you go to any group sessions.

But it made sense. You were a doctor.

You were a doctor and you chose to dissect him. And he fell for it.“Why?”

“Why what Baekhyun?”

“Why me?”

You were quiet before answering, and the silence only led to a wave of hysteria hitting him. Tears flowed faster and he wanted to scream, but he couldn’t get the actions to come to the surface. “You’re special…your…your schizophrenia is special. Rare. If explored and unleashed properly then you could do great things.

“I do like you Baekhyun. Really. I...” you glance at the door and let out a heavy sigh. “I shouldn’t do this, but I want to give you a chance.” You make quick work of untying the rest of his restraints and removing all of the equipment attached to his body. Baekhyun lies in confusion as you hastily unplug things. “If you manage to get away then they won’t be able to bring you back legally. I’ll say you escaped. Just, hurry while there’s a bit of time. Don’t ask questions, I’m doing you a favor because I want to give you a chance. That’s it.”

He sits up on the metal table with furrowed brows. His clothes gone, nothing but an indecent hospital gown across his body. You motion to the opposite door of where the doctors vanished; he jumps down from the table. “Go,” you whisper nervously. Hesitant steps and an even more hesitant mind, he leaves the room. You smile at him, and he is almost tempted to stay.

But he doesn’t want to be a science experiment.

Metal doors in a dark hallway lead to a thick door at its narrow end. It takes all his energy to push it open, but he’s welcomed with sunlight as it creaks wide.

His steps quicken to a sprint, and Baekhyun runs towards the woods full of excited relief.

They say that you can tell that you’re dreaming or hallucinating when you’re able to pick out the one detail that just isn’t right. The one detail that is abnormal to your everyday life. Some people hear voices of loved ones who’ve died. Others see people casually walking in the street with shoeless feet.

For Baekhyun, it’s black flowers.

As he runs through the brush of the forest in escape, he fails to miss the trail of blackened flowers behind him. The mental fabrication staring the girl in his old chemistry class fades, along with the rest of the world around him.