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jadequeen88 · 4 years

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Smart Girls Make Fast Learners

NSFW 18+ ONLY. MINORS WILL BE BLOCKED!

My contribution to the BNHarem’s monthly collab. The theme was SEx work. ⛓This piece is a first real deep dive into darker themes and was actually really, really exciting to write. 🖤 A massive thanks to my dear friend @libiraki for beta reading this.

TW: yandere behavior, toxic relationship, degradation, non-con, dub-con, degradation/praise kinks, mind break, oral (M and F receiving), over stim, loss of virginity, mentions of physical violence.

DISCLAIMER: I do not condone this type of relationship. This is a work of fiction and if this happens IRL please get out of the relationship!

There is a very specific type of dread that occurs when you discover that the person you built your world around has been lying to you. Tamaki Amajiki was experiencing this brand of betrayal for the first time in his twenty-one years on a rainy Tuesday in October in the dim lighting of your dorm room. His grip tightened around the open laptop as he stared at glimpses of flesh in the thumbnails of the many, many videos posted to the site. Previous live streams with thousands of views. He gulped down the bile in his throat as he scrolled through the videos. His shock and disgust morphed into a pure rage as he counted up the live streams that you’d had since first kissing him. 12. There had been twelve. Three times a week for the past four weeks.

Those big doe eyes that looked into his eyes as you tentatively licked the tip of his cock for the first time… mere hours later they were rolling in the back of your head as you got off for strangers on the internet. He couldn’t take it. You were his first… everything… he knew that you hadn’t been innocent in your past. The way your tongue expertly wound around his when you first kissed him amongst your plush pillows and goose-down comforter reminded him of the fact. The low violet LED lighting of your bedroom made him feel like the two of you were in your own ethereal world. He could forgive you for not waiting for him as he’d waited for you.

For the past four years, he kept to the shadows. He was there when the football player from freshman year cheated on you with one of your terrible friends (and when it happened the second, third, fourth time). He was there to binge your favorite shows with you (“*insert current guy you were fucking* just doesn’t get it, he’s not into it. I’m so glad I’ve got you to watch it with!”) He bit back the heartache that would wash over him when you’d pet him and coo over him… you didn’t see him as a man. He wanted to bend you over and prove he could fuck your brains out. He KNOWS he’d be perfect for you. But he never rejected the attention. He smiled and accepted whatever crumbs fell from your table. Whether it be helping you study or letting you complain about your shitty friends or your shitty jock boyfriends or your shitty parents… He gave and gave and gave… until that one day, 35 days ago to be exact, a shift in the tide occurred.

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“So why don’t you have a girlfriend, Tama-kun?”

“Wh-wha?”

Tamaki dropped the pencil he’d been using and before he could bend to get it himself, your hand was on his thigh and he was putty in your grasp. You giggled and cooed over him like you always did, but this time you did it while assaulting his mouth and neck with your skilled tongue. This time, for the first time, you made Tamaki feel like a man. Like YOUR man.

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Over the next few weeks, Tamaki had become quite skilled in pleasing a woman. It only took a little guidance to have him sucking at your clit with just the right amount of pressure. He learned on his own how to couple that with his long, delicate fingers twisting and pumping in and out of your slick hole. You’d cling to his silky hair, pulling him closer as a constant stream of praise tumbled from your lips:

“No one has ever made me feel this good.”

“Your fingers are perfect Tama-kun”.

“I love your mouth on me so much, baby.”

The first time you came on his face, Tamaki knew there was a god because he’d found heaven between your thighs.

But that was gone now… ripped away with one mouse click on the night he was going to finally give you his virginity. He had held on to it like it was a treasure. A treasure he’d present to you one day wrapped up in life-long devotion and worship... But Tamaki wasn’t in heaven anymore. He wasn’t going to worship you tonight. For the first time since laying eyes on you, Tamaki wanted to hurt you.

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You turned the shower off and dried yourself. Wiping the condensation from the mirror, you couldn’t help but smile at your reflection. You felt like this was going to be the first time giving your body to someone. Tonight was a redo. You were wiping the slate clean. Your first time would no longer be underneath the football captain in the passenger seat of his truck, left feeling sore and unsatisfied. It was going to be with the guy you should have noticed long ago. It would be soft and slow… passionate and filled with sweet words and caresses… limbs tangled in soft sheets that smell like lavender and vanilla.

You applied your lotion and moisturized your face. The red lace adorning your body was arranged perfectly, accentuating the soft swell of your hips and chest. With one last glance in the mirror and adjustment of your bra, you opened the door to the cool air of your dorm room…

...And saw Tamaki looking murderous.

His eyes slowly left the screen to meet your gaze. His tear-stained face had never looked this harsh. His normally sweet eyes were narrowed and red from crying. The sweet lips you’d licked and sucked with such tenderness were hard and cold as they pulled upward in a grimace.

The only thing he said before rising from the bed and setting aside your laptop was your camgirl username. Then he was on you before you could draw a breath to explain.

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Tamaki always thought he liked you best on top of him showering him with kisses and threading your fingers through his hair, but he had to admit… having your arms tied to a bed frame with the silky sash of your bathrobe cutting into your skin was doing things to him. When you sniffled, face stained with tears and snot, his dick twitched in his boxers. The whines you were choking back behind the silky red panties stuffed down your throat sent chills up his spine. You had to learn the hard way not to spit them out after a harsh slap echoed against your skin when you fought back the first time.

Tamaki stood back to survey the mess of skin, spit, and tears for a moment. You were a blank canvas for him to mark up with his rage and lust. You tried to hide away your bare pussy by clenching your thighs together. It only spurred him on.

“Do you have any clue what you’ve done?” he hovered over you, sleek muscles rippling over your own soft body, “I waited, and waited, and WAITED,” he bit down on the side of your exposed neck and you screamed behind the silky gag, trying your best not to expel it from your mouth and receive more punishment.

“I want to give you everything, Y/N,” he licks over the bite, almost apologetically, “I don’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want it to happen like this… FUCK, why?! Why did you ruin this?” his long fingers dug into your cheeks as he forced you to meet his fiery gaze. You couldn’t help whimpering and sniffling back more clear runny snot. You were so humiliated at how disheveled and disgusting you must look. His head ducked into the soft spot between your neck and shoulder and you felt him sob.

Despite the abuse he’d inflicted upon you in the last ten minutes, you nuzzled your cheek into the top of his head in an attempt to comfort him. And he let you… he hated himself for it and he hated you for making this all so hard for him.

“No… no, no, no,” he rose from the bed to set up your ring-light and laptop, ice running through your veins at the sight. Your mind couldn’t accept what was about to happen.

“I’m... I’m not letting you get away with this,” he shook his head and pulled at his hair as he finished setting everything up, “If you’re insisting on being a slut, you’ll be MY slut. And everyone will know…” he jerked your ankle to force you flat on your back.

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Maybe if he’d let the gag out of your mouth, you’d be able to tell him this was just a job to you. That it was clinical… that he was the only one who had ever been able to get you off, that his face was the only one you’d come on… that you needed the money since your parents had disowned you…

But you only laid there, accepting whatever he was going to dish out. You knew he was hurt. You weren’t stupid. You overlooked him while knowing how he felt about you. It took years of horrible one-night stands and countless frat parties pretending that whatever guy you’d picked that night was interesting for you to come to your senses. You hated yourself for being so blind for so long… You adored Tamaki, truly. And you hated yourself for all the times you’d hurt him… so you swallowed your fear and tried to prepare yourself for whatever came next.

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Any soft parts of Tamaki that you’d grown to love were gone, hardened by heartache and desperation. After angling the laptop to get the perfect shot, he started the live stream countdown. Subscribers started trickling in, commenting on how this was a pleasant surprise since it wasn’t one of your regularly scheduled streams. You shut your eyes to pretend this wasn’t real.

Without fanfare or warning, Tamaki ripped apart your thighs, exposing your bare slit. A raw shrill was pulled from your lungs, your back arching from the sting of an abrupt slap. Neurons fired off in your brain… were you in pain? Was it pleasure?

“Since my girlfriend likes to keep secrets from me, I can’t trust what comes out of her whore mouth,” he emphasized his point by stuffing his fingers past your lips, pushing the soaked silk further into your throat, “So she’s going to keep this gag right here until I can fuck the truth out of her,” he trailed his fingers along your reddened folds. Were you getting wet? Horror and shame blossomed in your chest. The fact that you were growing aroused wasn’t lost on Tamaki. His foreign, sadistic grin was back… aimed directly into your soul.

“So that’s what you like, huh?” His nails bit into your thighs leaving tiny crescents behind, “I’ve been too nice? Too soft?” He pushed your thighs impossibly wide, the stretch causing you to moan. He hovered over your core, onyx orbs blown wide with a mix of hate and lust. Tamaki looked like the devil himself and you wondered just how fucked up you were for wanting his punishment.

He opened his mouth and lolled out his tongue, never severing the desperate gaze you both shared, his intertwined with hunger, yours with fear. You’d never noticed how long and thick his tongue was and couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel caressing every ridge and crevice of your inner walls. He flattened the warm, wet muscle and pressed it along your slit. As he slowly slid it closer and closer to your burning clit, you whimpered and bucked your hips chasing the pleasure you knew he was capable of giving… but this was not your sweet boy and he wasn’t doing any of this for your pleasure.

He slung his arm over your lower stomach and growled into your drenched lips. You were pinned down, helpless against his torturous tongue. Fresh tears pricked at your eyes as you remembered how he’d let you pet him and buck into his face, how sweetly he’d ease you into a gentle release. Not this time… it was all teeth and sharp sucks, his tongue forcing you open violently. You were being shoved over a cliff and despite the horror and violence of what was happening to you. You were approaching an orgasmic state at record speed. Tamaki caught on and doubled down. The arm that wasn’t pinning you into the mattress pulled your leg down straight, your knee in a death grip. The new angle made the sensations even more intense. His face pressed harder into your core and you noticed that at some point, he’d started weeping, small sobs vibrating against your skin. The overwhelming mix of emotions and the vigor in which he was eating you shoved you over the edge.

He kept going along at the same speed with the same determination through your orgasm until it became painful. You pushed past it as best you could, allowing him to sob into your over-sensitive skin until he had his fill. As the pain started intermingling with pleasure, your legs shook and the gag couldn’t hold your screams back any longer. You released against his tongue once more, both of you sobbing. He laid against your thigh for what felt like an eternity before he lifted himself to lay on top of you, his hip bones digging into your soft thighs. You could feel the bulge through the thin material of his boxer briefs. Your hips rose to meet it, a pleading gesture filled with the desire to comfort and please him. Your eagerness encourages his mercy, there’s a meek cry that leaves your lips when the damp silk slips from between your teeth.

“Please baby… I’m so, so sorry I didn’t tell you…” your voice was as weak as a kitten’s cry and Tamaki couldn’t deny it made his heart (his dick) clench.

“Say it…” his lips were close enough to kiss, but you resisted… fearful of what he’d do if you did.

“Say what, Tama?” your eyes were wide with concern and confusion. You were desperate to please him.

He turned your face to the camera that you’d forgotten was there and the gravity of the situation crashed around you again. New tears leaked from your stinging eyes as Tamaki whispered into your ear.

“Say that you’re a lying whore…”

“I..I’m a lying whore…”

The last syllable broke as your abused throat grew accustomed to speaking again. He rewarded you with a soft kiss to your cheek and your eyes closed at the tender gesture. The familiar pain in your chest welled to the surface causing even more tears to escape.

“And tell everyone that you’re my own personal slut”

You repeated the phrase to the audience behind the screen and he hummed with approval, trailing one finger along your wet cheek.

“Good girl…” the praise sent shivers through your wrecked body.

“And tell them from now on, your boyfriend will be the only one making you come… that they only get to see you be HIS slut.”

You noticed the chat going absolutely haywire at your announcement. Before Tamaki shut your laptop, you realized you’d made three times as much as you’d ever made before and a twisted sense of accomplishment filled your cloudy mind.

“Please,” your voice came out in a croak, “Please untie me. I wanna make it up to you,” his clothed bulge was burning into your core and you could tell he was close to breaking.

“Please let me make you feel good. I’m so, so sorry,” the clench of your thighs around his waist made him whimper.

He reluctantly pulled away to sit on the foot of the bed. The way he curled in on himself hugging his knees made him appear so small, so fragile… a complete change from the man who’d just manhandled you into restraints.

“You’re a liar…” you almost didn’t hear the whisper, his face buried into his knees.

“Please!” you were losing feeling in your hands and all you wanted was to be free to comfort him.

His eyes met yours and it was your Tamaki again... Your sweet boy… the snarling, green beast that threatened to devour you was sleeping now after it reached its fill of violence. He crawled over your body and released your restraint. Before you even regained feeling in your hands, you wrapped your arms around him. You littered his collarbone with sweet kisses and apologetic sobs. He began to melt into your affectionate gestures and you wrapped your legs around his waist pulling him impossibly close. Wet lips met and your tongues fought against each other for dominance. Hips began to roll against each other, increasing pressure until you both gasped.

The violence was gone, but this was still not a gentle coupling like you’d been planning. Tamaki pulled away and freed his straining cock from his boxers. The skin-to-skin contact made your eyes roll back into your skull. You felt his long fingers grasp your throat, squeezing to remind you just how powerful they were. You shuddered in response, arching upward into his touch, chasing that high his dominance was giving you.

With one swift motion, Tamaki speared you onto his cock. With the minimal prep he’d given you, the stretch was agonizing. This was by far the largest cock you’d ever taken and it stole your breath from your aching lungs. You moaned earning a visceral reaction from the boy on top of you.

Tamaki stayed as still as he could. He refused to come so soon… not when he’d waited so long for this. He tightened his grip on your throat and tentatively rocked his hips into yours. It didn’t take long for it to progress into the most frantic love-making you’d ever experienced.

There was no other way to describe it, he was hate fucking you… biting and sucking your chest until blood bloomed under your skin… hammering into your sore, sticky cunt with total abandon… he was using you like a toy, taking out all his frustrations on your body.

It was ecstasy.

When his hips stuttered as he met his release, the spasms of his tip against your gummy walls sent you into a painful orgasm. You were spent and it seemed like he was too. Your fingers twitched over the crown of his head, wanting to run your fingers through his hair but too scared to initiate any contact with him. As if he could read your mind, he grabbed your hand and placed it on his head. You sighed and began carding through the tangles, gently undoing them. You felt a stream of tears running down your chest as you worked your fingers through his strands. Lifting his face gently, you met his teary gaze with your own.

“Don’t…” he drew in a shuddering breath, “ever lie to me like that again…” the monster behind his eyes stirred quietly, a malicious glint in his eye, before shifting back into your gentle boyfriend.

“Never, I swear to you, baby…” he lets you lift his chin gently to meet your lips. His eyes close and he sighs into your kiss. His muscles relax and when his eyes open again, his warm, adoring expression falls over your face. The hand that wanted to choke the life out of your eyes minutes ago now caresses your jaw tenderly,

“I trust you…” his lips turn up into a grin that’s just a little too wide, “Because you’re a smart girl, aren’t you?” his top lip brushed against your still trembling bottom lip…

“Y-yes…”

You were fucked. This whole situation was fucked up and you weren’t blind to the fact. But as Tamaki nuzzled into your neck placing soft kisses and whispering praises into your skin, you let yourself bask in the gentleness of the moment…

Because you were a smart girl and smart girls learn their lessons quickly...

#bnha #bnha smut #yandere tamaki #tamaki amajiki x reader #tamaki x y/n #tamaki amajiki #tw:dubcon #tw: noncon #tw: injury #tw: toxic relationship #tw: dark themes

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padme-parker · 4 years

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no regrets [AU!Anakin Skywalker x Reader]

Summary: You leave Anakin, only a letter in your place.

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: some swear words I think, angst, mentions of cancer, some fluff if you look hard enough, this is pretty fucking cliche btw!

A/N: so I was listening to Lewis Capaldi’s discography and that shit was so sad. Like all of his songs are so fucking sad that it inspired me to write this. Mainly the songs: “Forever”, “Fade.”, “Before You Go.” and “Headspace.” (I highly suggest listening to his songs while ur reading!) along with a handful of songs I was listening to while writing this. Also this is my first time uploading my writing so forgive me if it's all over the place. I was just excited to write this lol.

The thumping of the bass made his ears ring, that’s the first thing Anakin noticed when he got home. He was totally and completely shitfaced, drunk out of his mind. The next thing he noticed was the deafening silence. Sure, it was midnight but he knew how much of a night owl you were. He also knew how much you loved to paint at night, a slight breeze from the open window, and music quietly playing in the background. Loud enough just to be heard by the two of you, quiet enough so he could hear the stroke of your brush against the canvas. Oftentimes he would come up behind you, lightly grasping your hips and began to sway along to the music. And some nights he would just sit back and watch you. However tonight wasn’t one of those nights. Tonight would be different, and the next night, and the night after that. Anakin walked towards the bedroom, careful not to wake you just in case you were asleep. When he walked into the room, his eyes immediately searched for you, but landed upon emptiness, that’s when it caught his attention. The last thing he noticed was the envelope placed upon his pillow.

Grasping the envelope, Anakin took out its content. It was a letter, just for his eyes.

Dear Anakin,

By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. Believe me, I wish I could’ve done this in person but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As I write this letter, you’ll be out celebrating with Obi Wan and Padme. Enjoying life, that’s what you should be doing. And I know it must be shitty to come home to this, but I just couldn’t leave while you were still here. There were so many things I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t. But you deserve to know this.

The truth is, I don’t love you anymore, Anakin. I’m not sure when I fell out of love with you, but the one thing I knew was that I couldn’t stay and drag you down with me. Sometimes I wonder how we got here, how I got us here. Then I remembered why, him. In the past six months I met someone else. At first we were just friends. But there was something between us, a connection. The second I laid eyes on him, I knew that he was the one I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Yet, there you were. Anakin, you were- and still are my world, but he’s my whole fucking universe. Without him I feel like I’d cease to exist. Each day, the more I fell in love with him, the more I fell out of love with you. Until one day, I came to my senses and realized what the hell I was doing. All those days I spent with him, coming home late at night, you never questioned me. Stars Anakin, I’m so sorry I took advantage of your trust. I never thought we’d end up like this. I never thought this would happen.

You deserve to be happy. But we both know that’s not something I can give you. You deserve to be able to move on without ever having to see me again. That’s why I’ve decided to leave. Not just move out of the apartment, or town, but move out of state altogether. Please don’t come looking for me.

I want you to know that none of this is your fault. Anakin, I love you so much, but we’re just not meant to be. You were my epic love, not my soulmate. But remember, you’re still someone who had a huge impact on my life. I don’t think I could ever forget you, nor do I think that I want to. I know that even on my deathbed, I’ll be thinking of you.

Forever Yours,

Y/N

P.S. take the time you need Anakin, but don’t get hung up on me. There are people out there who love you, you just don’t see it yet.

He let out a sharp breath, dropping the letter, and began to sob. For the next hour, all he could do was cry. He struggled to breathe, he couldn’t believe what he was reading. What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? Was I not enough? He wanted to scream, but chose not to, sparing his neighbors from hearing his sorrows. Anakin was spiraling, he was heaving now. Struggling to breathe he crawled out of his room and into the living room. Your painting materials still left in the corner, easel propped up, and miscellaneous pieces of art scattered across his home.

Anakin couldn’t escape from you, you were unknowingly ripping the air out of his lungs. Everywhere he looked, he was reminded of you. It was ironic really, how was he supposed to move on if he had to see everything that reminded him of you.

A couple of years passed since you disappeared from Anakin’s life. He had moved on but deep down inside he never really did recover. He was sad at first, but then became angry. How could you use him like this? But of course, like you promised, there were people there for him. Obi Wan and Padme had always been there for him, especially Padme. She was the first one to check up on him when he wasn’t returning their calls. The first to get him to stop crying, the first to cheer him up, the first to get him to go out again, and the first person to say “I love you.” since you’d left. Anakin had felt like he was betraying you, he had fallen in love with someone who wasn’t you, but then he remembered what you did and said. He had the right to move on with someone else.

When Anakin felt like he was ready, six month after your breakup, he asked Padme to be his girlfriend. A year and a half later, he asked her to spend the rest of her life with him. Nine months later, they welcomed their twins into the world.

Both Obi Wan and Padme had been there by his side, along with Dean. He met Dean at the bar, both of them looking like shit. It started with a simple nod, then their small group of three now had four people. Dean became close to Obi Wan and Padme too, helping Anakin to return to his life before you left. It was going well until today.

Anakin moved out of his old apartment a long time ago. He donated most of your belongings and sold your paintings. Except for one. It was a painting that the two of you had created together. A minimal black outline of your silhouettes from your favorite photo together. Simple, but it had meaning to it. The picture itself was taken at a party, a drink in your hand while Anakins was thrown over your shoulder. You were smiling at the camera, drink aimed towards it. However, Anakin was looking at you, a big goofy smile on his face. If there was one memory of you he wanted to keep, it was that one. So instead of selling the painting, he kept it. Obviously he didn’t hang it up, instead he kept in it buried deep inside his closet. Only taking it out whenever he really missed you.

Even though he kept the painting, every aspect of you was completely erased. It’s like you never existed to him. Instead of lining the halls with pictures of the two of you, they were filled with pictures of Anakin and Padme. A small polaroid of them on their first date. A picture at the bar of Anakin, Padme, Obi Wan, and Dean. A bunch of wedding pictures. And finally, pictures of his family. He’d memorized every corner of his new home, never wanting to forget about it because he knew at any given moment, his life could be ripped from his fingers. Everything had been ingrained into his memory, from the toys scattered across the floor to the pristine kitchen. Where Padme was currently making dinner, “Hey Ani, you’ve got some mail, I put it on the table.” He walked towards the table and picked up the envelope, he could recognize your handwriting. Anakin felt like the world was playing a sick joke on him, after all these years, why would you write back now?

“Hey Padme, I’m gonna go change real quick.” He didn’t wait for Padme’s reply before he ran off to his closet, he knew he needed to be alone when he read its contents. Locking the door, he ripped open the envelope and took out your letter.

Anakin,

I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from, but you deserve to know the truth. The real reason as to why I left. By the time you read this, I’ll be dead. Remember how I told you that I had met someone new? That was a lie. In those six month, I was at multiple doctors' offices getting tested. I knew something was wrong with me but none of the doctors could tell me why. Until one was able to. I had stage 3 ovarian cancer, the chances of me surviving were low. That’s why I left.

Anakin’s eyes went wide, the paper shaking in his hands. “Cancer… she has..” he whispered to himself, he could feel the tears starting to roll down his face. All this time, he hated her for something she never did.

I knew how much you wanted to have a family, and it was something I wanted to give you. But when I found out that I couldn’t do that, I knew you’d be crushed. This was something we both had dreamed of. It was easier for me to make up a lie. I wouldn’t allow myself to put the both of us through this pain. You shouldn’t have to bear my burdens. I wasn’t going to let you waste your life away trying to take care of me. So I hid the truth from you and left like a coward. Understand that I needed you to hate me, Anakin. That you wouldn’t come looking for me or just expect me to come back one day. Even though I did want to come back, I had to hold myself back. I knew you were going to move on eventually.

Do you remember the guy I was talking about? The one who I was so “madly in love with” that I left you? Yeah, well his name is Dean, He’s one of the nurses who was taking care of me during those six months, and for the past couple years he’s been my eyes. Anakin, I never fell out of love with you. Even as I lay on my deathbed, you’re all I can think about.

Dean says that you’ve moved on and married Padme. I’m going to be honest, at first I was shocked and a little sad. But then I remembered why I did this in the first place. Anakin, I’ve seen the way she looks at you. Even when we were still together I could tell how much love she had for you. She didn’t act on her feelings because I was still there, which I’m grateful for. But once I left, she saw the opportunity to comfort you, so she did. You looked at me like I was your whole world, but Padme, she looks at you like your her whole damn universe. Truth is, you weren’t my world, you’re my fucking universe Anakin, even if you don’t know it. You weren’t just my epic love, to me, you were my soulmate. But you and Padme? The two of you are soulmates, made for eachother. Dean has shown me pictures of the two of you. I’ve never seen you so happy, even when we were together. I know she brings out a side of you that I was never able to.

There was a point where I was getting better and I wanted to come back. To apologize and maybe try again, but Dean advised against doing so. At that moment in time, you had just proposed to Padme. Who was I to come back into your life just to take away your happiness? So I watched from afar. I watched as you went on with your life and completely forgot about me. And I did it with a smile on my face, because you were happy. Anakin, simply knowing that you were happy and content with your life made me happy, even if I wasn’t the cause of it. For a while, I was better. Then it got worse, my cancer got more aggressive. From there, I was condemned in my own home.

As the months went on, I got more sick and closer to death. After your wedding, Dean came over to my place and showed me videos of you and Padme. I couldn’t help but let out a few tears, you were getting everything you wanted. I really wish I could’ve been there to see you, Ani, but I wouldn’t want to ruin your wedding. I was so ecstatic for you when I’d heard that you were having a child! Twins nonetheless, you must’ve been radiating joy. I really am happy for you Anakin. I only wanted the best for you.

Do you remember the night on the rooftop? You cooked dinner for us on our two year anniversary. It was the most romantic thing anyone had done for me. Do you also remember what we promised to each other? “No regrets.” As simple as it was, I broke our promise, Ani. I regret not telling you. I regret leaving you. I regret ever hurting you. Anakin, I am deeply sorry for any pain I’ve caused you. But if I hadn’t left, you wouldn’t be where you are right now. Do you regret not looking for me?

Anakin stopped reading for a second to think, did he regret how things played out? He wiped his tears before continuing,

Don’t get me wrong, I would’ve loved to stay with you, Anakin, but I couldn’t let myself. I hope the universe will continue giving you what you want, because you deserve it, Ani. You deserve to be happy.

Forever Yours,

Y/N Y/L/N

P.S. somewhere across the stars and galaxies, I’ll be watching over you. I’ll always be with you.

Anakin dropped to the floor, the letter along with him. Muffled sobs could be heard on the other side of the door, but Padme was too preoccupied to hear. Why didn’t I go after her? Why didn’t I try harder? Why didn’t I notice? He asked himself. The truth was that Anakin did regret not going after you, he regretted not trying to get closure from you. Because he knew that if he had gone after you, you would’ve told him the truth. He knew you would tell him the truth because he knew that you couldn’t look him in the eyes and lie to him. That’s why you left, only leaving a letter behind. And he knew if you told him the truth, he would have forgiven you. He would’ve spent the rest of his life, right next to you. Making sure you were alright. Anakin knew he would’ve taken you back in a heartbeat, because he still loves you. Even after you falsely broke his heart and left him, his love for you outweighed the hate he felt.

He got up somberly walking towards the hidden painting. He took it into his hands along with another object. He sat back down, now clutching the memory to his chest. His heart felt heavy, but nothing felt heavier than the small black velvet box resting upon his grasp.

“No regrets, huh?”

(A/N): Okay so I know that the goodbye letter is all over the place, but if I was writing a letter to someone I love, my thoughts wouldn’t be able to process properly. So forgive me if some of it seemed random, I’m still new to this stuff. I also feel like this is very cliche but when I heard Forever, my mind was immediately like “omg this song is good inspo for a sad fic.” I also feel like I should’ve added more flashbacks but I’m not sure where they would’ve been placed.... anyways I hope you enjoyed it :)

#anakin skywalker #anakin skywalker x reader #anakin skywalker imagine #anakin skywalker angst #anakin skywalker x reader angst #au!anakin #au!anakin skywalker #star wars

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indiavolojones · 4 years

Text

also a long... long time ago someone asked me for an artist!mc wanting to draw satan. I still 100% want to do it, but here’s a little placeholder in the meantime!!

Satan intensely examines the framed work in front of him--you think that it might be some kind of… statement on fertility? There’s definitely a feminine figure in the garish swathes of puke green. Maybe. Could also be a peanut. If you squint and tilt your head, it kind of looks like an animal?

You’ve never had an eye for this sort of thing, only agreeing to come because Satan had invited you.

hope u guys don’t mind i completely veered off the request path.. but here’s something short!!

1.3kish words, gen, satan/gender neutral!mc

~~~

“Mammon would be furious if he knew he missed you like this,” he grins, bowing and holding his hand out.

The outfit is… fancier than anything you’ve ever really worn in front of the brothers. It’s perfectly tailored to your body thanks to Asmo, the vest cinched at your waist like one of Lucifer’s. It accentuates the slight curve of your waist, enticingly settling at the small of your back.

Your brows raise at the outstretched hand, before rolling your eyes and snorting at the gesture. Satan looks like he expects you to playfully bat his hand away with some flustered complaint. To his surprise, you take his hand, and lace your fingers with his.

Satan’s eyes widening is a sweet reward in itself.

The art exhibit Satan takes you to is far fancier than Satan had led you to believe, so with each passing devil appraising you, you’re glad you let Asmo guide you into his closet for an outfit upgrade.

Satan is dressed in a casual sports jacket and fitted slacks, but his natural good looks and the undeniable power radiating off him would have made him a knockout even if he was wearing a tracksuit. (Maybe. That actually sounds hilarious.)

You fiddle with the hem of the vest, at the quintessential, billowy-sleeved Asmo shirt he’d paired with it. You look like you belong in a fantasy novel as a princely character, but perhaps that’s what Asmo intended. If you had any doubts about how different your outfits are, the worries are blown out of the water by the sheer chaos of Devildom “high fashion”.

Besides, Satan seems to like it, if his constant gentle touches mean anything.

By comparison to the eccentric shades of Devildom fashion (some more... daring than others...), the art itself is nothing exciting. Once you’ve sipped enough champagne to calm your nerves, you realize that the art is actually...

Terrible.

You’ve seen some god-awful art up in the human realm, but it’s almost comforting to know that there are also snobby devil artists with bad technique and signatures as big as their egos. But… Satan likes it? You think.

You’re not quite sure, honestly, and you don’t want to offend him by saying anything negative. He stares at every framed work with an intensity that would burn through the canvas if looks could kill. Sometimes it’s a few seconds, sometimes several minutes, but Satan will nod once he’s finished appraising the canvas, and then move on to the next one.

Almost without fail, he will place his hand on your waist or the small of your back and lead you to another… suspect… painting.

Satan intensely examines the framed work in front of him --you think that it might be some kind of… statement on fertility? There’s definitely a feminine figure in the garish swathes of puke green. Maybe. Could also be a peanut. If you squint and tilt your head, it kind of looks like an animal? You’ve never had an eye for this sort of thing, only agreeing to come because Satan had invited you.

“This isn’t your kind of date,” Satan states, and you jump, looking at him with cinched brows.

“I never said that--” Satan rolls his eyes.

“You’ve spent more time looking at me than at the art.”

You’re a work of art is the infantile comeback that comes to mind, but you don’t have the strength to be so bold or cheesy. Crossing your arms sheepishly, you look anywhere but at him.

“I… You seemed interested, and I didn’t want to tell you no?” You admit, and Satan sighs, like he’s not sure what he’s going to do with you. “Did you…” You fumble over the words, “Did you like this one?”

Satan blinks as he looks at you, his head tilted. Huffing with amusement at what he finds in your expression, he shakes his head. He looks back at the painting and squints at it.

“Honestly, no. It’s gaudy, the technique is terrible, and I’m sure the artist was drunk the entire time. There’s Demonus stains in the corner here.” he groans, pointing at the out-of-the-ordinary purple splotches that don’t match any of the other materials used. You can’t help the glee that fills your chest at Satan admitting that he also thinks these works are absurd--there’s relief as well.

You’re not sure if you’d be able to stand another hour of this.

“Why would anyone buy this?” You ask, and Satan looks at you helplessly.

“I have no idea. Art is subjective, but most modern art makes me furious,” Satan says, shoulders shrugging, “Sometimes I try to stop and really, really look at the piece. Usually that works. I suppose if I bend over backwards, I can start to maybe piece together whatever asinine meaning the artist intended.”

“What if you end up still hating it?” you question. Satan huffs.

“Then I buy it,” Satan’s gaze shifts to look at you from the corner of his eyes, and he can’t help his wicked smirk, “And I use it for kindling.”

“What?” you ask, eyebrows cinched together. Satan holds his hands up noncommittally, and you shake your head with a fond, disbelieving laugh, “You’re terrible.”

“You think so? Let’s just get on with the second part of our date. I think you’ll enjoy it much more,” Satan hums, and before you have a chance to ask, he’s looking out into the crowd.

“Malphas!” Satan calls, and waves a hand over at a timid looking demon in an older suit.

The demon, Malphas, shuffles over with a toothy smile--it was far too easy for Satan to get his attention in this crowd. Was the demon waiting for Satan to call him over? He shakes hands with Satan, grabbing the brother by the forearm in an enthusiastic greeting.

“Satan! I’m glad you could make it,” he rasps, a row of sharp, tiny teeth in the demon’s mouth bared in what you think is a smile.

“No, thank you for the invite.” Satan is charming--you’ve always thought so, but to watch him interact with anyone not you or his own family is an interesting change of pace. Malphas seems to be tripping over himself to gain Satan’s approval, even as his beady black eyes flicker between the two of you. Satan gestures at you with one hand, placing the other hand on the small of your back.

You flush at the contact.

“Malphas, this is our human exchange student,” Satan says your name, and you extend a hand out to him. Malphas blinks down at your hand, as if it will burn him, and you realize that with how little you know of demons.

Even if you forget when you’re amidst the brothers, there are quite a few devils who are hesitant about Diavolo’s integration ideals. You trust that Satan would never let you come to any harm from them, though. Malphas coughs, but then he’s bringing a small, clawed hand up to yours. His skin is clammy, and a strange texture, but you both manage the handshake under Satan’s careful watch.

At the civilized shaking of your hands, Satan beams, “Malphas is the gallery owner. He invites me to shows for up-and-coming artists, and I attend when I can.” The brothers often comment on Satan’s popularity, with varying reactions of disbelief and envy, but getting to live it is a whole other experience in itself.

"Listen, Malphas," Satan points at the painting in front of you, "I'd like to buy this painting." Satan winks at you from the corner of his eyes, and you glance at the demon to see if he noticed Satan's wink. Malphas, however, only wrings his hands together and lets out a pleased growl, nodding his head. "Bill it to my account."

"Excellent choice, my lord," he chirps, almost like a bird, "I will get this prepared for you immediately!"

Malphas skitters off, leaving Satan smiling at you and you staring at him in utter confusion. The hand on the small of your back slides to your waist, and Satan’s holding you close to his side--the mere concept of Satan buying this shitty painting is still enough of a distraction that you don’t immediately burst into flames at it. The opulence of this gallery opening also screams expensive. Satan hadn’t even asked for the price? You have so many questions.

"But this… is awful?" You ask, trying to picture where the hell Satan would hang this. Its bright colors don't match the interior of his bedroom at all; if Satan were to hang this, you'd never be able to not see it.

Another mischievous quirk of his lips, and realization dawns on your face.

Oh.

Satan has an interesting definition of fun.

Something about the ingredients inside the paint used on Devildom works causes a spectacular chemical reaction. You wonder how many poor portraits have fallen prey to Satan’s sadism--but remembering the work itself, you’re not particularly bothered.

Ashes and paint dirty the sleeves of Asmo’s shirt and you worry about getting the stains out, but then Satan’s sidling up behind you... and you’re sure Asmo will forgive you if you compliment him enough! Probably!

Satan’s height allows him to rest his chin on your shoulder as you both stare into the makeshift bonfire, his arms wrapped loosely around your center.

“I thought you were joking,” you snort as the bright red smoke billows up into the Devildom sky.

Satan’s hot puff of laughter tickles the hair by your ear.

#writing #ch: satan #pr: satan/mc #satan/mc #obey me satan #STILL STRUGGLIN W HIM BUT I TRY!! OK!!!

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rulers-of-night · 6 years

Text

Finding My Way To You

Chapter 11 has arrived! yes it took longer than i hoped but it’s here now and waiting for you to read it. Some cute Feysand things happen in this chapter

Feyre is in a toxic and pretty shitty relationship with her boyfriend Tamlin. The same boyfriend couldn’t be bothered dropping her home one night from a party she was dragged to and ended up having to walk home. Feyre pissed off and cold wonders home at some ridiculous time in the morning when the people she meets are less than pleasant. Faced with a potential rapist Feyre runs to a house, hoping anyone will give her safety. I wonder who lets her in? Who does she meet?

Chapter 1 . Chapter 2 Chapter 3 . Chapter 4 . Chapter 5 . Chapter 6 .Chapter 7 . Chapter 8 . Chapter 9 . Chapter 10 . Chapter 11 . Chapter 12 . Chapter 13 . Chapter 14 .

The sound of him breathing and the shaft of warm buttery sunlight on my face awoke me from my deep slumber.

I examined my room through groggy eyes and found everything messed up. Our clothes were thrown everywhere, my bedside lamp was on the floor and the duvet was half on Tamlin, half hanging off the bed.

Had last night really been that rough? The memories I recalled from last night were all intense – heavy breathing and loud moaning. It was amazingly pleasurable but didn’t have the same relief it usually did. It felt as if something was missing. Like a piece had broken between us and now we didn’t quite fit together – like we used to.

I sighed as I manoeuvred my way out of Tamlin’s firm grip – even when sleeping he couldn’t let me breathe. The spot between my legs was tender and sore as I sat on the edge of bed and grabbed the first piece of clothing I put my hand on – Tamlin’s oversized green shirt. On my way out I saw not one, not two but three condom wrappers on the floor.

Great!

Why was it that every time we had a fight we resolved it by sex? We never actually talked about our issues. The sex was great, but it really wasn’t a healthy way of resolving anything. I’d have to talk to Tamlin about it when he woke up though I would doubt he would think anything was the matter between us. He was so caught up in the old us that he forgot to see that we had changed – that I wasn’t the same girl I used to be.

I surveyed my messy living space, there was paint and paper and random sketches everywhere, there was also bits of charcoal on the floor, half crushed. And a stack of canvases piled in the corner. Why was my life so messy? I loved the mess sometimes, but it was moments like these when I felt like my life was falling apart that mess freaked me out.

Tamlin’s sleeping form haunted me from the next room, he’d be pissed if I woke him up and even more pissed to wake up and find that I wasn’t safely wrapped in his arms, ready for morning round of tumbling in the sheets.

I looked to the clock sitting against the wall on the kitchen counter, 8:30. Uni campus would have opened an hour ago, and I really needed to get my paintings evaluated by my professor to make sure I was on the right track, especially because I hadn’t been on campus for a few weeks. Could I leave Tamlin alone in my house? I didn’t really have a choice, I needed a new scene and to get out of the house before Tam woke up. It was a necessity that I got out of the house before I went crazy. I was struggling to breathe.

Before I could talk myself out of this or wait for Tam to wake up, I snuck into my room and fetched some leggings, a wool jumper and my old converse (that were falling apart bit by bit). I tied my hair into a bun at the top of my head and as quietly as possible collected up my art supplies and stacked my three canvases in the car. I quickly scratched a note to Tamlin, letting him know where I’d gone and left it on the pillow beside him. I felt slightly guilty for deciding to go to uni, he’d probably planned on spending all of Sunday together and I’d just messed up his plans.

As I left my bedroom I stopped to survey his naked muscular chest. It was gorgeous. His muscular planes were rendered even more magnificent by the delicate sunlight. His blond hair appeared magical in the warm soft glow of morning and his face was ethereal in its beauty. For all of Tam’s faults he sure was handsome. How did someone like him end up with someone like me? I looked at my emerald engagement ring and sighed shakily.

Then I left him asleep and drove off to the Uni campus, relieved to see the tall oak trees lining the entrance of Velaris University, the leaves vibrant reds, oranges and yellows.

The windows of my car were down, and I breathed in the cool morning air, allowing it to cleanse me and calm me. It was refreshing. Uplifting. Revitalising. I parked my car near the art building and carried my equipment into my favourite art studio. Velaris had an extraordinary art program, obviously not as good the Rainbow Art School but that was fine by me.

The Uni had invested in a number of advanced art studios equipping each with amazing tools ranging from paint to clay and all of the above. But the studio that I loved the most wasn’t necessarily the largest or cleanest, it was one of the few old studios still left after the huge renovation.

It was slightly overcrowded with easels and tables but had the best view and lighting. The studio overlooked the massive oval and ancient stone water fountain and had these towering windows to let in all the natural light. Many of the other students didn’t come here, not knowing what a tressure it was. I lined up each of my canvases on easels and set them next to each other, surveying them in the natural light. They seemed to all connect together, as if telling one story. I loved them and thought they were amazing I just need to make sure Mrs. Suriel, my art professor, felt the same. She was quirky and a complete gossip – always keeping her ears open. She seemed to be all knowing and I was constantly intrigued by the sheer amount of knowledge she crammed into her brain. Mrs. Suriel was definitely my favourite person here. I had never been great at making friends so during my entire time at uni I’d been a bit of a loner, only knowing a few other students and that was only because we had completed a few group projects which had been absolute torture – I didn’t like working with others when it came to art. It just felt wrong and I had a certain way of painting that the others hadn’t really agreed with. It was frustrating.

As I reached for my pencil to begin sketching the Illyrian form onto a scrap piece of paper just to make sure I had his form absolutely perfect before transferring it onto the canvas my phone buzzed from my back pocket.

Have you missed me yet? The phone screen flashed, an unknown number next to it.

I started texting back before my mind could register what I was doing.

Who is this? I shot back.

Only your most favourite person in the entire world

Well that solved the mystery – it was Rhys. I’d been lost in ridiculous fantasy’s wondering when I was either going to bump into him again or he was going to text me. It was ridiculous, I didn’t really know him, not when you thought about it. But, Cauldron, there was something about him that made my heart melt.

How could I forget about my most favourite person in the entire world? I texted back.

I am offended you didn’t know it was me and will expect you to be on your hands and knees begging for my forgiveness

I’m sure you would love me on my hands and knees

On the contrary I wouldn’t want you any less than my equal

My cheeks heated at the last text. Damn, he was such a flirt and the worrying thing was that I secretly loved it.

When I didn’t reply Rhys sent me another text.

How are you anyways?

I’m fine, why?

Just making sure that everything’s alright

Cassian told you about my breakdown, didn’t he? I knew Cassian had probably informed him on what happened on Friday. My heart broke at the idea that Rhys, who didn’t really know me either, was worried about me. I couldn’t remember the last time Tamlin had asked me if I was okay.

Yeah and I just wanted to make sure you are okay

I’m pretty good actually. I texted back, though that felt like a lie. I didn’t feel pretty good I just felt fine – if fine was a feeling.

That’s great to hear. What are you doing today? Rhys asked.

I had planned on spending the day painting and waiting for Tamlin to eventually call me or rock up at the campus pissed because I left him that morning, but I had needed to get out. That house was too messy, too wrong and I didn’t know if it was because Tam had spent the night and I felt dirty about giving up on our fight, letting out bodies do all the talking. However, the idea of hanging out with Rhys today filled me with excitement and joy – an emotion I hadn’t felt regularly these past few days.

I’m at Uni painting, though would you like to do something later? I asked, feeling bold and brave for being so direct with him.

I would love to do something with you today Feyre, how about I pick you up at noon and we can go out for a nice lunch or we could even go for a walk. Just as friends of course, I do remember that you are engaged :)

I would love to hang out with you Rhys. I texted back before turning my phone off, squealing like a little school girl. I was engaged to Tamlin and yet felt warm and giddy at the idea of seeing Rhys.

Cauldron save me, I was in some deep shit.

. . .

I was sketching the Illyrian form onto the canvas, struggling with his face as I didn’t have a model to copy from, when Mrs. Suriel waltzed into the room, humming a merry tune.

“Oh Feyre, how are you? It’s been a few weeks,” she exclaimed.

“Great thank you, I have my third painting half completed,” I said, excited to show her my work and yet equally nervous. I hoped she would like them.

“Oh, Feyre these are marvellous,” she said coming around the easels to view them. “How did you come up with the last one,” she asked.

“I had some inspiration from another artist,” I said, cheeks turning red.

“Well, whoever that artist was, they must have been fantastic!”

“She was,” I whispered before turning back and continued to sketch the Illyrian form, immersing myself in the strong form.

“Who are you painting?”

“I’m painting an Illyrian, but I’m having difficulty with the face,” I disclosed. I needed a model for this painting desperately. His face had to be strong and harsh. At first interpretation he’d look terrifying, wrath incarnate; but if you looked close enough you would see the beauty of his face. The wings flared not to hurt but to carry from danger. You would see that he loved more than any other and he dreamed of a better world.

“Well you better find someone soon; the paintings are due in just over a week.” Fuck. “Also, Feyre, a little birdie told me that you got engaged.”

“How did you find out about that?” Clear shock ran through my voice. I knew Mrs. Suriel knew everything – that’s what she was renowned for – but seriously. “I have my sources. Let me see the ring,” she demanded as I stuck out my left hand. “Tamlin’s your fiancé?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said though I couldn’t fight my cringe at the mention of Tamlin and fiancé in the same sentence.

“Looks like you aren’t all that happy that you are to be married to him. If it’s any consolation, I never liked him. I think he’s too controlling and cocky, but that’s just me.”

“You’re telling me. He can be a real ass sometimes,” I joked, but we both knew I wasn’t joking.

“But Feyre,” she said, the seriousness returning to her face. “If you need to talk about anything you know where to find me.”

“Thanks Mrs. Suriel,” I mumbled as she waltzed back out of the room. It was as if she had never been there in the first place.

#feyre #feysand #rhys #rhysand #the dream court #the night court #acotar #acomaf #acowar #acofas #reading #finding my way to you #feysand fanfiction #mor #cassian #azriel #sarah j maas #feyrhys

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elijahhudson · 6 years

Text

like to be you

faye & eli june 2nd

Eli has lived with Faye for a few weeks now, and they've loved it. The only thing was, now that the both of them had summer jobs, their schedules were beginning to clash and they weren't seeing each other as much as they would like to. The couple had a conversation about needing to spend some time together and decide to stay at home on Saturday night so Eli can make Faye a nice, romantic dinner. While she was at work, he got ingredients and flowers to surprise her with. He even timed everything out where when she got home from work, the food would be hot and ready on the table. But the timer on the oven was only two minutes away from going off and Eli still hadn't gotten a text from Faye saying she was on her way home.

Faye had decided that for the summer, she was going to work two jobs. She didn’t realize how much of an impact that would have on every other aspect of her life until she started to only see her boyfriend for a couple minutes before falling asleep each night. The girl had been so caught up in her schedule it was starting to confuse her and when she was asked to cover for two extra hours at the coffee shop, she didn’t even even realize that it was Saturday and she had plans with Eli for dinner. Finally she was clocking out and she shot a text to her boyfriend letting him know she was on her way home, not realizing she’s was two hours late. Her drive was short and within 15 minutes, she was entering her apartment and calling out to him, “Eli?”

Eli was getting anxious as he waited for Faye’s arrival. He kept moving the food in and out of the oven to keep it warm but after waiting an hour and fifteen minutes, he knew there was no point in continuing. Eli threw the flowers in the trash and put all the food in the fridge. He sat on the couch, arms folded over his chest as he waited for even longer. When she finally came home, his brows raised, “Wow, look who wasn’t abducted by aliens.”

Faye walked into the apartment further and grinned before furrowing her brow at him. She put her bag down on the counter as she started to undo the buttons on her work shirt, “I was at work, what’s that suppose to mean?” Faye put her shirt on top of her bag with her undershirt still on and moved over to him.

Eli frowns deeply at her, “You were supposed to be home two hours ago. For dinner.”

Faye furrows her brow as she sits down next to him and pulls her hair down, “No, we had dinner planned for Saturday.”

Eli motions around him, “It is Saturday!”

Faye raises her eyebrows and frowns, “Wait, it is?!” She sighs softly and rubs her forehead, “I honestly thought it was Friday!”

Eli shakes his head and purses his lips, "This was our one night of the week that we could actually spend together, and you forgot."

Faye scoots closer to him and pouts a little, “I know but I’ve been overwhelmed with work. I really forgot the day.”

Eli stands up and shakes his head, going into the kitchen.”

Faye frowns deeply as he gets up before getting up and following him, “Are you really that mad at me about this?”

Eli looks back at her, "Yeah, I am, Faye. I've been sitting here waiting for you like an idiot."

Faye runs her fingers through her hair and sighs, “I know and I’m sorry but it was a mistake.”

Eli shakes his head, "I guess our priorities are just different."

Faye frowns and shakes her head, “You know that’s not true.”

Eli purses his lips and raises his brows, "Do I? Because you're acting like this is no big deal."

Faye puts her hand on his arm, “I know it’s a big deal but I didn’t mean to. I’m really sorry.”

Eli pulls his arm back and frowns, “If I did this to you, you wouldn’t be instantly forgiving.”

Faye steps back and crosses her arms over her chest, “I don’t know what you want me to do.”

Eli shrugs, “I don’t know.”

Faye sighs softly and shakes her head, “Well...I’m going to shower then. I can’t do anything to make it up to you and you won’t listen to me.”

Eli waves her off and walks towards the second bedroom where his art supplies is, "Fine."

Faye frowns and turns away from him to go into the bathroom.

Eli grabs a clean canvas and starts to do a splatter painting to take out his frustration.

Faye sighs as she turns on the water and leans against the bathroom door, covering her face.

Eli keeps painting for a while before sighing heavily and sitting down on the floor.

Faye lets the bathroom fill up with steam before shaking her head and exiting the bathroom door, going to the spare bedroom, “Eli, I cant fight with you. Please, please, please forgive me.”

Eli looks up at her and frowns, "You forgot about me."

Faye kneels down in front of him, “I know, I’m so sorry. I should never forget about you, I was selfish with work.”

Eli sighs softly and looks down, "I put a lot of effort into tonight, Faye.. It was our one night to finally spend time together, so it just feels shitty."

Faye bites her lip and nods her head, “I know. I don’t know what to do.”

Eli lets out a deep breath and leans back against the wall.

Faye sits back on her legs and feels her eyes well up, “I’m so sorry.”

Eli nods a little, "It's okay."

Faye wipes under her eyes and shakes her head, “No, it’s not okay. I feel like I’m a terrible girlfriend. I’m always doing this to you.” She sniffs softly before standing back up, “You’re much more important to me than any work or school or anything but since the beginning all I’ve done is hurt you over and over and I don’t want to...maybe you deserve more. I’m sorry.” She shakes her head and goes to leave the room to return to the shower.

Eli frowns deeply and quickly follows her, "You're really gonna say that to me and just walk away?"

Faye turns around and throws her hands up a little, “What else can I do? It’s the truth. You’ve never done anything wrong to me. You have been nothing short of perfect and I fuck up all the time and I don’t know what else to do! I don’t know how to make this up to you and I can’t make you feel any better right now...I’m making you feel worse so yes I am walking away.” She turns again to continue to the bathroom.

Eli groans frustratedly, "God damn it, Faye, stop!" He gently grabs her wrist, "I said it was okay, so stop walking away from me!"

Faye lets him stop her as she frowns and shakes her head, “I don’t think it’s okay, Eli.” She looks at him, “You know I love you so much that it hurts? And seeing you so upset over something I did? I don’t want to keep doing that. I’m not trying to either but it keeps happening.”

Eli pulls her to him and sighs, "Okay, I was upset but you acting like you aren't good enough for me and walking away from me is what's making it worse. Just take a breath and listen to me for a second. We live together, Faye. I have invested myself completely in you, and our relationship so please don't say shit like that to me anymore."

Faye listens to him and takes a deep breath before gently biting down on her inner cheek to stop herself from getting more emotional, “Okay, I won’t.”

Eli holds her face in his hands and bends down so they're at eye level, "Hey.. Look at me.."

Faye looks up at him and feels her eyes well up slightly, “I’m sorry..I’ve made this about me now.”

Eli laughs a little and nods, "Kind of.. But it doesn't matter. I love you to the moon and back."

Faye groans and closes her eyes, “I love you too.”

Eli hugs her to him and lets out a soft breath.

Faye slides her hands up his back with a sigh, “I’m going to do better, I promise.”

Eli nods a little and kisses the top of her head, "Okay."

Faye closes her eyes against his chest, “How can I make up tonight for you? I’ll call out tomorrow?”

Eli shakes his head, "I don't want you to."

Faye grips his shirt gently, “I want to. I want to stay right here.”

Eli lets out a soft breath, "I don't want you to get in trouble or anything, Faye.."

Faye shakes her head, “I won’t. I’ll have someone to cover my shift. A couple people owe me.”

Eli nods a little, "Okay, babe. If it's what you want."

Faye looks up at him, “What do you want?”

Eli shrugs slightly, "I don't know.."

Faye leans up to kiss him gently, “Let me know when you do. I’m going to be here.”

Eli smiles a little at her and nods, "Thank you."

Faye sighs softly and pulls back, “Well, I still should take that shower. Wanna join?”

Eli nods his head, "Yeah, sure."

Faye smiles and holds her hand out for him.

Eli takes her hand and interlocks their fingers.

Faye squeezes his hand and leads him into the bathroom, turning to him and starting to push his shirt up.

Eli lifts his arms up and helps her get his shirt off.

Faye takes off his shirt and kisses his chest gently.

Eli kisses the top of her head softly.

Faye smiles softly and runs her nails along his chest, “I love you.”

Eli nods his head, "I love you, too."

Faye puts her hands on his cheeks, “Always, okay?”

Eli nods again as he looks down at her, "Okay."

Faye leans up and kisses him gently.

Eli returns the gentle kiss and rubs her waist.

Faye pulls back and starts to take off her own clothes.

Eli takes off his pants and boxers before getting into the shower.

Faye gets into the shower after him and puts her head under the water.

Eli leans back against the wall a little as he watches her.

Faye closes her eyes as she lets her hair soak under the water.

Eli lets out a soft breath and moves to be under the water with her.

Faye sighs softly as she scoots over to let him under the shower head.

Eli runs his fingers back through his hair and shuts his eyes as he tilts his head back.

Faye grabs shampoo and starts to lather it into her hair with a soft hum.

Eli watches her and then leans back against the wall again.

Faye looks up at him and smiled as she rinses her hair.

Eli grabs body wash and starts to wash himself.

Faye finishes her hair and starts to help him lather the soap on her chest with a grin.

Eli watches her for a moment and bites his lip.

Faye kisses his collarbone gently a few times as she continues to wash his body.

Eli looks down at her, "I don't want you to say awful things about yourself to get yourself out of trouble anymore."

Faye pulls back a little to look up at him and furrows her brow, “It wasn’t to get myself out of trouble.”

Eli lets out a soft breath, "You sure?"

Faye frowns and runs her thumb over his jaw, “I’m sure. I just..” She sighs softly, “Sometimes I do feel that way. I can’t help it, I’m sure it’s all in my mind and it has a lot to do with everything that happened when we first started off and how I feel.”

Eli sighs softly, "Okay, but you need to let the past shit go. I don't even think about that stuff anymore, and that's why I'm here, living with you, Faye."

Faye nods her head as she looks down, “I know that and I have but it’s hard. I don’t want to disappoint you.”

Eli gently holds her chin and tilts her head up so she looks at him, "I've forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself so you can move on and just be happy with me."

Faye nods her head as she looks up at him, “I am. I’m really happy with you and I promise I’ve let everything go. I just can’t help my insecurities sometimes especially when I hurt you.”

Eli drops his hand and frowns, "I don't know how to help when I'm telling you that I've forgiven you."

Faye nods her head, “I know you have and I’m not saying anything except I have my own insecurities about myself and all I can say is that I’m working on forgiving myself for things, does that make sense? I know you love me and I know you forgive me, but there’s this tiny voice in my head that makes me feel bad.” She sighed and shook her head, “I don’t know what else to do about that.”

Eli bites his lip, "Okay.."

Faye puts her hand on his chest over his heart, “I’m sorry. I’m trying and I just want to be the best person for you.”

Eli looks at her and tilts his head to the side, "I love you for the way you are."

Faye smiles at him and nods her head, “I know. You don’t understand how happy that makes me.”

Eli leans down and kisses her softly.

Faye returns the kiss gently as she slides her hand to his neck.

Eli pulls back a little and grins, "Hey, I don't have threesomes with just anybody, you know."

Faye laughs and leans her head against his chest and hugging him, “You make a valid point, Eli Hudson.”

Eli chuckles and gently squeezes her.

Faye kisses his chest gently, “I love you a lot.”

Eli kisses the top of her head, “I love you just as much.”

Faye squeezes him gently, “Want to finish up in here and get out?”

Eli nods and smiles, "Let's do that."

Faye pulls away from him to get back under the water and finish rinsing herself off.

Eli quickly shampoos his hair and then rinses it out.

Faye waits until they both are finished washing and rinsing everything before turning off the water then pulling the shower curtain back.

Eli grabs a towel and dries himself off before wrapping it around his waist and getting out.

Faye wraps a towel around herself before putting her hair up with another one, “So lets salvage this night, hm? What do you wanna do?”

Eli shrugs a little, "Dunno."

Faye moves her hands onto his shoulders and shrugs back, “Do you want to stay in or go out anywhere? We could even just go up on the roof of the building and sit by the pool. Maybe heat up dinner?”

Eli nods slightly, "The latter sounds nice."

Faye smiles with a nod as she kisses him quickly before pulling back to go get changed.

Eli follows her out of the bathroom and gets dressed

Faye quickly changes into comfy clothes and smiles at him, “Okay what did you make tonight?”

Eli runs the towel over his hair, "Chicken parm."

Faye smiles widely as she grins, “Mmm you spoil me.”

Eli laughs softly, "Hopefully you like it."

Faye nods her head with a takes his hand to lead him towards the kitchen, “I’m sureee I will!”

Eli follows her with a smile, "Well if you don't, you don't have to force yourself to eat it."

Faye gives him a look and shakes her head, “I eat anything, babe.”

Eli rolls his eyes, "You don't eat baaad stuff."

Faye laughs and pokes his arm gently, “It’s gonna be great. Let’s heat it up.”

Eli gets the food from the fridge and puts it in the microwave.

Faye hums softly and starts to pull out plates and silverware.

Eli leans against the counter as he waits for the food to heat up.

Faye puts everything out before smiling at him and leans up to kiss him gently.

Eli leans down to meet the kiss.

Faye pulls back slightly and nudges her nose against his.

Eli smiles at her, "Love you." The microwave goes off so he takes the food out.

Faye smiles back at him, “Love you.” She pulls away so he can grab the food.

Eli moves the food to the table and pulls out her chair for her.

Faye thanks him before sitting down and taking a forkful of her food, humming softly.

Eli sits down and smiles, "You like it?"

Faye nods her head as she chews, “Wow..I really like it! I’m very impressed, Eli Hudson!”

Eli raises his brows and smiles, "Good."

Faye smiles and takes another bite happily

Eli starts to eat and smiles to himself.

Faye reaches over and squeezes his leg, “What should we do tomorrow?”

Eli hums as he thinks, "Zoo?"

Faye raises her eyebrows with a smile, “That’s an amazing idea.”

Eli smiles at her, "Thank you."

Faye eats more of her food with a hum, “What’s your favorite thing at the zoo? Not favorite animal but what part do you think is the best to see?”

Eli smiles at her, "I love going to the arctic section."

Faye hums and raises her eyebrows, “Ooh like seals and penguins?”

Eli grins and nods, "And polar bears."

Faye giggles with a nod, “Definitely fun. I love penguins especially.”

Eli laughs and nods, "Me too."

Faye smiles as she takes another bite, “My favorite is the monkeys though. They are always entertaining.”

Eli nods and laughs, "One time, I saw a chimp steal a blanket from another chimp and they chased after him. I mean, those were apes but still entertaining."

Faye raises her eyebrows before giggling, “Oh that sounds amazing. Apes too, I think Gorillas and Chimps are always so funny.”

Eli nods and smiles, "Me too. I also like the Africa section."

Faye smiles as she takes another bite of her food, “I think elephants are my favorite animal in general.”

Eli smiles and nods, "They're so cute."

Faye grins with a nod, “And so smart.”

Eli smiles, "Did you see the video of the baby elephant playing with someone who was trying to garden?"

Faye raises her eyebrows and shakes her head, “No! I gotta see that.”

Eli laughs and pulls it up on his phone, turning it to her to show her.

Faye leans over to watch the video and watches it with a grin, “That is so cute oh my god!”

Eli grins and nods, "Right? I was dying watching it."

Faye giggles and shakes her head, “They are so funny I love them.”

Eli nods and smiles, "I'd love to go an Elephant sanctuary."

Faye reaches over and squeezes his leg, “Lets put it on a bucket list.”

Eli grins widely and nods, "Okay."

Faye smiles and kisses his cheek gently, “I wanna go backpacking through Europe. Imagine the summer after we graduate and we go together?”

Eli smiles brightly, "Living out of hostels, yeah? Sounds amazing."

Faye giggles with a nod, “I bet my parents could be convinced to help us pay for it too.”

Eli raises his brows, "Oh, I couldn't let them do that for me."

Faye shakes her head with a smile, “Not the whole thing but help. They did the whole backpacking thing and alwaaayyys rave about it.”

Eli laughs softly, "Your parents are something else."

Faye rolls her eyes with a laugh, “They are from Mars I swear.”

Eli chuckles, "It's refreshing to be around."

Faye raises her eyebrows and smiles, “They are embarrassing.”

Eli laughs and nods, "They're not boring though."

Faye shakes her head with a laugh, “You’re right, they definitely aren’t.”

Eli chuckles and grins at her.

Faye finishes up her food and hums, “Thank you for dinner. I’m sorry I wasn’t here earlier but I really appreciate it and you.”

Eli nods a little, "I forgive you."

Faye smiles as she nods her head, “Are you done eating? I’ll clean.”

Eli nods and smiles, "All done."

Faye takes their plates and stands as she goes into the kitchen to start washing their dishes.

Eli watches for a moment before putting away the leftovers.

Faye finishes up washing all the dishes before turning to him with a smile.

Eli looks over at her and holds his hand out towards her.

Faye takes his hand and pulls him closer to her.

Eli leans down and kisses her lips.

Faye smiles and returns the kiss, squeezing his hand.

Eli squeezes her hand back as he lets his lips linger on hers.

Faye pulls back just slightly and smiles, “I love you.”

Eli grins at her, "I love you too."

Faye wraps her arms around his middle and hugs him close.

Eli hugs her tight, kissing the top of her head.

Faye smiles against his chest as she closes her eyes, “This is my favorite place in the entire world.”

Eli smiles and rubs her back lovingly, "Right here?"

Faye nods her head with a soft hum, “Yep. Right here.”

Eli smiles and kisses her head a few more times.

Faye kisses his chest gently before pulling back with a smile.

Eli rubs her back, “Wanna hang out and watch a movie?”

Faye nods her head with a smile, “Yeah, lets curl up on the couch.”

Eli nods and pulls her to the couch,

Faye follows after him before plopping down on the couch and grabbing the tv remote.

Eli puts his arm around her shoulders as he leans back.

Faye leans into his side as she turns on the tv, “Netflix?”

Eli nods and shrugs, "Sure."

Faye puts on Netflix and starts to scroll through as she leans into his side.

Eli rubs her shoulder, "Put on whatever."

Faye nods her head as she searches until she finds an animal documentary, “To get us excited for tomorrow.”

Eli laughs and nods, "Perfect."

Faye grins and leans into his side with a happy sigh.

Eli kisses her temple and rubs her arm.

Faye closes her eyes briefly at his kiss as she drapes her arm across his middle.

Eli slides his hand down to her back and leans his cheek on her head.

Faye smiles as she watches the tv.

Eli laughs, "I used to watch the animal planet when I got home from school as a kid."

Faye glances up at him with a grin, “Yeah? What shows did you like?”

Eli smiles, "The america's funniest animals one with the clips."

Faye looks back at the tv with a smile, “You’re too cute. Now you can just look them up on Instagram.”

Eli nods his head, "Times are a lot different."

Faye nods her head a little, “I know. I’m torn between missing the simpler times and liking the technology.”

Eli chuckles and nods, "At least we're not the spoiled kids with both."

Faye nods her head with a smile, “You’re right.”

Eli shakes his head, "When I see eight year olds with smart phones..."

Faye wrinkles her nose and shakes her head, “That’s just crazy. What can they possible use it for? I hardly use mine! Only to talk to you and write little notes!”

Eli makes a face, "Snapchat!"

Faye laughs and looks up at him, “Oh like the little face thingys?”

Eli nods his head, "I think so. And to talk to each other."

Faye nods as she grins, “I had a phone I think when I was like 13 and I definitely texted boys a lot so.”

Eli chuckles, "I got my first phone at 13 too."

Faye turns to look up at him, “Did you ever have girlfriends in middle school?”

Eli raises his brows and laughs, "Um two. They didn't last long though."

Faye giggles and taps his jaw, “Heartbreaker?”

Eli rolls his eyes and laughs, "Far from it. They broke up with me after a month max."

Faye grins and shakes her head, “Aww, that’s rude. They didn’t know what they were missing!”

Eli chuckles, "I'm not sure if 13 year old me is as impressive as 19 year old me."

Faye leans up and kisses him quickly, “Their loss is my gain anyways.”

Eli nods his head and laughs, "I love you."

Faye smiles and lays her head back down, “I love you.”

Eli rubs her back and smiles. "Yeah, you better," he teases with a grin.

Faye taps his chest gently with a giggle, “I doooo. More than coffee and puppies.”

Eli playfully gasps, "That's a lot!"

Faye grins with a shrug, “Well, I do!”

Eli grins and kisses her softly.

Faye hums and returns the kiss softly.

Eli smiles widely against her lips and pulls back, “I love you just as much.”

Faye taps his jaw gently with a grin, “Oh yeah?”

Eli gives her a look playfully, “Obviously.”

Faye giggles and kisses him gently.

Eli smiles against her lips.

Faye pulls back slightly and kisses his nose.

Eli grins and laughs softly.

Faye smiles and kisses him again.

Eli returns the kiss and sighs happily.

Faye smiles and pulls back slightly, “Wanna get in bed and put this on our laptop?”

Eli nods his head and smiles, "That sounds like a great idea."

Faye stands up and grins, holding her hand out to him as she turns off the tv.

Eli gets up and smiles as he goes to their bedroom with her and he climbs into bed.

Faye gets in next to him and sets her laptop up with the show before curling up next to him.

Eli puts his arms around her and kisses her head.

Faye smiles and kisses him gently, “Thank you for forgiving me. And for dinner.”

Eli nods his head, "You're welcome for both."

Faye hums as she watches the documentary a little more before starting to drift off.

Eli gets tired and kisses Faye's ear as he notices her starting to fall asleep, "Night, baby.."

Faye yawns sleepily as she nuzzles into him, “Night...” She relaxes and drifts off to sleep with him.

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elle-stevens · 5 years

Text

The Break Up Blog - Day Six

I dreamt of X last night.

I’ve dreamt about her before, usually along the lines of us trying to find some alone time together in the middle of an enormous social event and getting interrupted by pesky family and friends.

This dream was different though.

I don’t quite recall the exact events, but I walked into a room where X was sitting. There were bunk beds in the room, so I assumed it was a bedroom of sorts. Judging by the drab and chipping turquoise paint on the walls, I’m guessing that this was supposed to be a room in X’s family home. I’ve been there twice before on two vacations when I visited her in her hometown.

So I walked into this room with someone else. I don’t know if it was a friend or a potential lover. But I saw the outline of X’s pale legs peeking out from underneath the bunk bed, so I knew she was sitting there. But I didn’t make any effort to look at her or acknowledge her. I said ‘hi’ to the room at large and told the person I was with that we needed to go. That part was a lie; I just didn’t want to see or be near X. That much I knew from the general atmosphere of the dream.

I woke up feeling miserable. I’ve only had dreams like that about people who have hurt me and who I’m either trying to move on from or get closer to. I never thought I would ever have that type of dream about X. In my dreams and in my reality, X was always the person I ran to. Even when I had the good parts of her, she left me wanting more, and that used to be a good thing. But the mere fact that I’m running away from X in both my life and my dreams is very telling.

That wasn’t a great start to the day. So I tried to remedy things by making pork fried rice from scratch. I’d seen a video on YouTube a year ago and thought that the technique looked simple enough. Both my parents taught me and my older sister, G, how to cook from a young age. My younger brother P is still a bit of a novice in the kitchen, but he’s a fast learner. I’m no expert chef, but I always enjoyed cooking with my parents in the mornings and the evenings. I like cooking when I’m happy and when I’m sad; it makes me feel at peace with the world.

So I went to the store with the intention of buying chives and a slice of lean pork. But then I changed my mind and bought thin strips of beef instead because I thought that would cook quicker and I wouldn’t have to worry about getting rid of the bones or the fat. So I boiled some sticky rice hours before and then started making the fried rice. But it turned out horribly and mushy too. It was either the rice or the fact that I didn’t stir-fry the mixture on a higher heat. But it was a complete waste of time and money, which depressed me even more. I made things up with myself by ordering real Chinese fried rice on a delivery app and went to lie down and rest for a bit.

Then I called one of my newest friends named D who I also met from my last Chinese class. When we first hung out together a few months back, I ended up telling her about X, how we met, and that I was going to visit X in the Philippines during my summer holidays. D got back to China a few days ago from her summer vacation and naturally asked me how things went with X. I ended up talking to D on the phone about everything that happened during my trip, about X lying about having a terminal illness and finally about us breaking up. D was very sweet to me and asked me more questions about my emotional affair with my friend L that apparently culminated in X using me for money to get rid of her debts. D told me about a similar experience she’d had with an emotional affair; she and her significant other have been together for nearly a decade. Unlike my emotional affair, her emotional affair did more with boosting her confidence and infusing positivity into her outlook on life.

I’m not exactly sure what my one-sided emotional affair with L accomplished a year ago. Initially, I thought it helped me to appreciate X more and solidify my love for her, regardless of the crappy circumstances we found ourselves in. Or maybe it finally made me see the irreversible cracks in mine and X’s relationship that would eventually break us apart a year later. In any case, it was still pretty shitty of X to use that as a justification for basically cat-fishing me, considering that she developed an emotional attachment to her friend J when we’d been dating for a year. I found a way to get over that and forgive her; did her punishment fit my crime?

Talking to D about X and talking to my friend and colleague C about work-related things definitely helped me to focus on other things. It’ll be hard to go to work on Tuesday and pretend with everyone that I’m fine. Maybe I should practise saying ‘I’m fine’ with a big smile on my face in front of the mirror a few times before I go to work. Then again, I’ve always hated looking at my reflection in mirrors. The truth and my own insecurities are always staring back at me and it’s hard to stare them down. Maybe I’ll just cuddle with Teddy the teddy-bear that my mom gave me for Easter 4 years ago and just maybe Teddy will say the words I want to hear.

I was gonna go swimming at my gym, but it’s almost 8pm and I’m feeling lazy. So I’ll rather eat dinner at home, watch TV and maybe do some more painting. C had a beautiful color by numbers canvas made for me with a drawing she made of my beloved dog Katie. Katie died a few months ago and I’m still missing my doggy a lot. Because it’s a really intricate series of numbers, I feel fairly certain that the overall look is going to be total crap, but painting is very therapeutic. Plus seeing Katie’s face gives me a tiny sliver of happiness that I didn’t realise I still had left inside of me. D told me to make some strategies for myself to help me get over my break-up with X. So far, I have just a few that seem to help: talk to other people; throw yourself into work or a favourite hobby. And my personal favourite: recall all of X’s ridiculous lies and idiosyncrasies and make fun of them and her with your closest friends and family getting in their licks too till you feel a little less sad and pathetic for missing her.

I guess I only feel better when I’m sufficiently distracted and have no time to think about X. I don’t know how I’ll sleep tonight; maybe turning on my air conditioner might help to make my bedroom feel less hot and sticky. I’m not even sure what’s going to happen tomorrow. At least the medicine I got yesterday seem to be helping me feel better physically.

I would love to take credit for making a break-up blog in the first place. Sadly, I got the idea from a movie that X put me onto called ‘How To Get Over A Break Up’ in which the heroine does exactly what I’m doing: writes a blog to help her get over her ex. The only difference is that her blog ends up getting a cult following. It would be nice if this blog got the same thing; even I enjoy the trappings of fame and potential fortune. But for now, it’s ok that this blog, albeit online, is still just for me. Sharing my passion for writing is what ultimately led me to X three years ago, and I’ll never regret that. But from now on, I’m going to try not to let a little interest and praise from someone else go to my head. That happened with X and it happened later with L and those are things I can never take back.

I have to start with being interested in myself and praising myself first before expecting it from others. I guess that was always the problem: not loving myself enough before letting other people into my world. Good thing I now have all the time in the world to rediscover myself and figure out what truly makes me happy.

#breakupblog

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