#made myself a lil miserable thinkin abt how i wish i had friends to give gifts to irl and money to buy those gifts with lmao :(

[princesscedar]

[sonikkublue]

goin on here to rant so most my ppl dont see, im not that active here anyways so who cares, i sure dont. my year has dragged me to my lowest point till ive become sucidal again. i dont like thinkin abt it but its there

i want to quit. i want to quit friends, i want to quit art, i want to quit everything. everything. including my au. i want to drop dead off the internet and prob go kill myself or reflect or smth. idk, one of those is better than the other, but again i dont know. everything is always hurting and ive been so numb to everything since this year has started, its only gotten worse. my friends arent makin this any better either

im done bein used, im done getting manipulated, im done seeing ppl favor one another right in front of me, im done w/ ppl not listenin to me when i try expressin smth im struggling w/, even if it wasnt much or none at all. i dont even vent a lot or at all. why?? cuz no one ever fucking listens, gets mad at me while i try talkin, pushes my issue away w/ another topic immediately. they my friends act more excited towards the other everyone else gettin smth meanwhile i get lil to none. i recognize im not gettin appreciated as everyone else in my friend group, like they're uninterested in me anymore. that they dont care. ive tried bein positive, i cannot. my friends have offered and offered and offered for me to talk to them if im ever bothered- "u can always talk to us if smth wrong" or smth like that...ok?? last time i broke down in call, one of my friends was playin cookie run to distract themselves, so they werent even fully listening...another time i just got flat out ignored, my issue got pushed aside by another art topic, "damn". NO ONE FUCKING CARES. i already know the cycle. too many times ive lived thru it and im only enabling it by gettin vulnerable. at this point, i cant trust my own friends cuz its so hard too believe them when they keep doin the same thing to me over and over. they're trying to prove smth to me to make me think they care. i dont fucking believe it cuz no one has ever shown care back for me, regardless of how much i give to them. theres that word again. i give so fucking much, and i hate myself for bein this way. most of the time i wish my au didnt blow up cuz its put so much pressure on me like the new friends that came and left in my life, me realizing i have to maintain an audience... idk, maybe im a lost cause. i cant do any of this anymore. i want to die. i dont like thinkin it, but i want too. theres so much stress, so much unbearable stress and anger. and no one will fucking care. ive been hurt by my own friends too many times. i dont say anything cuz its just gonna happen all over again, no how many times i *try* and bring it up to them, they will not fucking listen. no one ever fucking listens to me. i didnt like makin friends from the beginning, ive loved bein alone from the start, but everything happens naturally...unfortunately

i give and give and give and i get absolutely nothing back. im all used up.

idk everything fucking sucks rn. i didnt have to worry abt all of this when i was a smaller acc and i had myself. thats all i needed. now im just miserable. im depressed, sucidal thoughts are everyday, i cry to myself everyday and night cuz of it, im stuck living w/ this thing i made out of my pure "imagination" and that same thing almost made me kill myself one time, ive almost killed myself twice a couple months back- one in my parents bathroom and almost sneakin out of my window to wander away from home.

one day im goin to leave, and im not gonna say a word