#made me daydream of a world where he could be asian

[aperture-of-bullshit]

My toxic trait really and truly is that I can’t for the life of me except blonde percy. Like taking an originally blonde character and making them Not Blonde? Prefect mwah continue please. The opposite? Dear god get it away

[pycobutterpie]

#samweek2024 Day 1 Sam Winchester x my hobby (writing supernatural fics and roleplays), set in his world, regarding the books of Carver Edlund Triggers: none Words: 1600

Glancing at the clock, I sighed. I had been sitting in the library for two hours and didn't know where to begin or where to end. On the left were books about Indian culture and customs, on the right about rituals and deities of the South Asian country. Not that I ever wanted to travel there. It was all research. A glance at my Discord channel told me that Minnie was still waiting for my response in our previous chapter of the written Supernatural RPG. My chat buddy had already planned our story with India. And there were two stories running through my head again. I bit my lower lip and tried to decide which one to write now. Either the research for the new chapter, where Dean and his family are being hunted by a demon in India, or the current story, where Dean's daughter had learned to teleport and had simply showed up in her cousin's kindergarten.

Carver Edlund would be proud of us, I was sure of it. One can always make a crazy story even crazier, and that's what we had done. But who deserved a happy family more than Sam and Dean from Supernatural. Nobody, right? They had been through so much that a little fluff was only appropriate. We hadn't made it that easy for them either. Thinking about how Sam's heart is gong to be broken…

With a sadistic smile on my lips, I was about to start my post about Sam's son when a huge guy appeared on the other side of the small desk and took my light. “Hi,” the brunette said quietly, balancing a stack of old books on both arms. The tendons of his forearms were taut, his muscles well defined. “Hi,” I said shyly, quickly looking back at my screen, because guys like that didn't usually talk to me. He cleared his throat briefly, but his shadow didn't disappear. Why was he still standing there? I looked at his face again, which looked a little questioning. That handsome face… “Um,” he snapped me out of my thoughts, “can you make room for me? Otherwise it's already full.”

I winced briefly, because I shouldn't be daydreaming so much. Instead, I jumped up, the chair crashing into the shelf behind me.

"Sure, sorry!" I hurriedly pushed my books to one side, which took up most of the space on his side of the table. “No problem,” he said with a gentle smile, lowering his tomes onto the table. They looked a little dusty and weren't even labeled on the spine. I would imagine old spellbooks in a magical library would look like this. Oh, that was an idea! I straightened up my chair and went straight to the chat with Minnie and wrote in the 'Ideas' channel:

@ Y/N: “Maybe there's some kind of magical library in hell where Alex and Cassy cantry out all sorts of things as soon as they can read?” I grinned and immediately felt the inspiration to finish the text Sam's about little son again.

I just managed to send my text before my computer went PLING. My friend had replied in the ideas channel.

@ Minnie: “Wow, that sounds great^^ Maybe they'll get caught too. Or they'll tear up one of Bobby's important books.”

I had to laugh a little.

@ Y/N: “No way, he made copies of all of them.” PLING @ Minnie: “Then Crowley’s books.”

Before I could answer, I felt an annoyed look from across the table. The young man had pressed the fingers of his left hand to his forehead to hold his head, while the light from his own laptop setting off his sharp cheekbones. "You should turn off the sound," he said, looking pretty good even when annoyed. Inwardly, I had long since made the comparison to Sam, the way I imagined him and the way Edlund had described him. Muscular, masculine, but also a few soft features and incredibly velvety flowing hair. I thought guys like that only existed in books. Suddenly, his laptop emitted an urgent beep and the light on the gentleman's face disappeared. “Oh no, please don't…” he cursed under his breath and hitting a few keys in vain.

As I was waiting for Minnie to post anyway, I ventured a conversation: “And you should charge your laptop. Do you need it urgently?” “Hm… Deadline,” he said, chewing on his lower lip. I wondered if he often worked under time pressure. His eyes flew over my laptop and my books. “Are you studying too?” I had to smile. “No, not anymore. This is more of a hobby. I'm Y/N, by the way. What's your subject? Magic?” Now he had to laugh as well. “Sometimes it seems that way to me, but no. Law. And I'm Sam, nice to meet you.” My forehead felt like it was frozen in a wrinkle. The guy's name was the same as the one in the story of all stories and he studied law in the same way? Especially since his books didn't look like they came from the legal department at all. More like… My imagination was too vivid, far too vivid. It was just a story. There were no monsters and therefore no hunters. And the name was completely random. Thousands of people were called Sam. How about Sam Witwicky? Just to name one character… But still… It was worth a try. I could already imagine what his search history would look like. Determined, I slid my laptop over to him and gave him a trusting smile. “If you don't delete anything, you can use mine. I should look in the books anyway. I haven't made much progress yet.” “Really,” Sam asked. “You know you should never give your electronics to strangers.” I wouldn't put it past him that his little eyes had looked so desperate earlier, like a puppy that had its toy taken away. Instead, I leaned back and pulled the book of the Indian gods towards you. “No, it's okay, I'll have your fingerprints and my sister is with the FBI.” A lie, but never mind. The real Sam always gave the FBI a wide berth, unless he was impersonating them. “Okay… thanks then,” he said and pulled my laptop towards him.

We were absorbed in our work for a while until my laptop made a few sounds again. Minnie had replied! And her text was more than 2000 characters long, otherwise it would have been just one pling. My eyes widened a little and my fingers tingled to read what she had written from the perspective of Dean's gifted daughter. Or from Sam's, or probably both in one post. After all, I had ended my part of the story earlier with a phone call from the kindergarten teacher to Sam. But the Sam in front of me made no move to return the laptop. Instead, he stared at it, quite fascinated, and then happily started typing again. I just stared at him for a few moments, but he didn't seem to notice. Instead, it soon plinged again. Minnie was notoriously quick with her lyrics. But surely Sam wouldn't dare? His fingers stopped and he grinned at the screen again. “Hey!”, I said to him and pulled my laptop back towards me.

Sam flinched, startled, and raised his hands: “I didn't do anything.” With a frown, I looked at the open window on the screen. Of course it was Discord and Minnie's latest post wasn't even about the story. Just a real life conversation. “You chatted with her?” I looked reproachfully at Sam, who was staring out of the window at the end of the hallway. “Sam, you don't have to ignore me, I can see that.” I quickly skimmed over the brief chat between the two of them. “You're giving her tips on what Sam would do? Are you a roleplayer too?” My curiosity clearly outweighed my annoyance that he had been snooping through my chat. “A what? No, sorry. I was just reading the text. And I thought Sam wouldn't give his son to a stranger in a nursery after all.” Oh, so he was a fan too. I gave him my sweetest smile, because you never meet other Supernatural fans in real life. “It's really cool that you love Supernatural too. One would think you are a LARPer for Sam. And do you also write fanfiction?”

Sam tilted his head slightly. “No, I just had a quick look at the books. My brother has…” He stopped the sentence so abruptly that I felt like he was biting his tongue. I rested my chin on the palm of my hand with satisfaction and grinned broadly at him. “So I've been writing the story for a while now. We let Sam and Dean become fathers almost simultaneously and involuntarily. That's really good stuff. Sam's girlfriend is not only in the FBI but also a monster without him knowing it. Suits him, doesn't it?” I looked directly at the Sam across from me as he swallowed and turned a little paler. “I… No, I don't think so. I have to go now.” By then he had already stood up, gathered his things without looking at me again, and stalked off. Was he offended? Sam was certainly his favorite character. And what we did to him in the story was pretty intense. But sometimes you stepped on other fans' toes. But there were be others who were just as excited about the ideas as you were. ------------------ (It would be really fun to read this story from Sam's point of view :D If anyone fancies it, feel free to tag me in the results). Written for #samweek2024 by @seasononesam and @suncaptor <3 You can find the topics of the individual days here.

[aion-rsa]

Mortal Kombat and the Man Who Gave Sub-Zero a Soul

https://ift.tt/3rEA11N

Mortal Kombat’s Joe Taslim (aka Sub-Zero) is one of the hottest martial artists on screen right now. It’s been a decade since his breakout film The Raid took the world by storm, and Taslim has consistently delivered high-octane action with dashing panache ever since. As movie martial arts masters go, few others are on Taslim’s level. While most action stars have some martial arts training in their bag of tricks, Taslim is more invested than most.

Prior to The Raid, Taslim was a professional Judo athlete and a member of Indonesia’s National Judo team from 1997 to 2009. He won gold medals at the Southeast Asia Judo Championships and the Indonesian National Games. No other actor can boast a competitive record like this. What’s more, Taslim is also trained in Wushu and Taekwondo, and he picked up Pencak Silat for The Raid, so his combative range goes far beyond Judo throws and falls.

The Raid was a game-changer for the martial arts genre. It placed Indonesia firmly on the map when it comes to action films, delivering relentlessly unflinching action and intensely complex fight choreography, held together with a threadbare plot. If martial arts movies are compared to porn films, The Raid was hardcore. The film spawned a sequel which picked up the action right where it left off in the original. In addition to Taslim, the franchise also introduced a stable of Indonesian action stars to Hollywood including Iko Uwais (Mile 22 and the upcoming Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins) and Yayan Ruhian (Star Wars: The Force Awakens, John Wick: Chapter 3).

Taslim moved on to Hollywood too. Two years after The Raid, he landed the role of Jah in Fast & Furious 6, followed by an appearance in Star Trek Beyond. But he never abandoned his country and continued to deliver films made in Indonesia specifically for that market. Most notable was The Night Comes For Us, which reunited Taslim with Uwais. Although an Indonesian production, The Night Comes For Us gained worldwide exposure after it was picked up by Netflix. He also starred as the villain in the South Korean film, The Swordsman, and became more recognizable to Western audiences audiences by playing the conflicted Tong hitman Li Yong in the Bruce Lee inspired series, Warrior.

Now Taslim is at the forefront of another predominantly Asian cast for the new Hollywood feature film, Mortal Kombat. And he is donning yet another villain mask as Sub-Zero.

“Sub-Zero is just an amazingly powerful, iconic character,” says director Simon McQuoid. McQuoid’s film explores the inbuilt rivalry between Sub-Zero and Scorpion coming out of the original video games. The connection between Sub-Zero (real name: Bi-Han) and Scorpion delves deep into Mortal Kombat lore, and within the film, McQuoid says this is symbolized by a bloody kunai (ninja ring dagger) which plays a critical role throughout the film.

“Blood is such a [vital] ingredient in Mortal Kombat,” explains McQuoid, “but we wanted to make it feel more than just blood splurts. We wanted it to have a blood line and lineage meaning to blood as well. We liked the idea that we could tell an emotional version of that blood story.” Just like the fighting game, Mortal Kombat is evenly split between good guys and bad guys, but ultimately Sub-Zero becomes the standout villain in the film.

“Once we got Joe,” beams McQuoid, “then we knew he was going to be a pretty kick-ass character because Joe’s so fantastic.”

Den of Geek had a video chat with Joe Taslim while he was home in Indonesia.

Den of Geek: Was the Mortal Kombat video game popular in Indonesia?

Yeah, I think it was 1995 when the first one released. I was actually not in the capital. I was born on the small island in South Sumatra, in Palembang, that’s my home city. So, I remember when the game came out and people talked about the game because it’s unusual because it was so violent. And it’s still violent now. So it was popular until now. But unfortunately, MK11 got banned because Indonesia is very sensitive of the violence level in that game where it’s just like funny now. The censorship here is like, “Oh, this is too much for Indonesia, so probably not.” So a lot of people played the game by downloading it. They know how to do it.

Did you play?

I played MK11, MKXL, yeah.

What challenged you the most about taking on Sub-Zero?

Well, the fans know Sub-Zero is badass, kick-ass, so much swagger, and a lot of attitude. But as an actor, the challenge for me to be in his shoes is to give him more soul, to give more heart, to make this character live. The fight is a visual. People enjoy the fight. But to bring people to feel inside the fight is something else, it means that you got to give more. You got to give the intention. You got to give a story, without delivering any lines, that people can see. Is he losing? Or does he know he’s going to die? Or is he very confident?

Jet Li did an amazing job in his movies to deliver those attitudes—the story of the fight. So I learned from him and I learned from The Raid, The Night Comes for Us, and I just bring everything to Mortal Kombat. There’s a lot of stories in that final fight. You can see the character is just dynamic—what he’s feeling, the way he fights, he’s just getting slower and slower. He’s just catching his breath.

So that’s the most important thing in fights, in my opinion. Because a lot of people think a fight scene needs to be badass, kick-ass. That’s number two. But number one is you got to be inside the shoes and know what’s going on inside this character first. Then when you visualize the fight, it makes sense.

How was it working with the mask?

Ooh. Well, it took me a while to adapt because it’s a heavy costume. And the mask, kind of like, well I have the mask. [Taslim holds up his Sub-Zero mask]

Ooh.

Well, the awkward thing about the mask, because when you move, the mask doesn’t move because it was a solid mask. So it was quite technical. If I have to move really fast, sometimes my face moves with like a delay. You see the mask kind of follow in slow-mo. We did a lot with this—put a lot of straps here just to make when I move really fast, so the mask could follow. A lot of technical stuff happened in the process, but yeah, it was a fun journey to just discover the best look, the best fit for the mask, the costume for me to be able to fight the best.

How was your experience fighting with all those special effects?

I think this is my first [movie] that involved the supernatural. The superpower stuff in previous movies, it was like a man versus a man or a man versus five men. But in this one, a lot of imagination is involved for sure. I’m glad I’m a gamer myself. I played a lot. I’m used to being a daydreamer. I’m still daydreaming until now. I have this mind that I like to have fun with. So during the shooting [when] it’s involving something they’re going to add in post, they ask me just to imagine, which I love imagining things.

I had so much fun just imagining the sword and creating the icicle—the ice sword—because it wasn’t there. Everything is in post. So I was just like, “Sure, believe that it’s there. It’s there.” You don’t see it, but I know it’s there. When the camera captured that moment, and if I believe in it, then I think everybody’s going to believe in it as well.

Read more

Movies

Mortal Kombat: The Challenges of Making the Movie Reboot

By Gene Ching

Movies

Mortal Kombat: Why the Movie Created New Main Character Cole Young

By Gene Ching

I really loved your role in The Swordsman. And I got to be honest with you, because I’ve been following you, and I was surprised that I didn’t recognize you for quite a long time in this film.

Really?

It wasn’t until I recognized your eyebrows. You’re playing a lot of villains now. Do you like playing villains?

I was a good guy in The Raid and The Night Comes for Us, but yeah. Playing villains is interesting. Because as an actor, you know when you play a villain role, almost there’s no limitation because there’s no rules. [There’s no] you cannot do this, you cannot do that, because you’re the protagonist. “You have to speak this way because you cannot be evil when you speak—you’ve got to be polite.”

When you play a villain, there’s so much freedom. In The Swordsman, I remember I had so much freedom. And the director, he was just like, “What do you think about the role?” I say, “I don’t want to sound like this. I’m going to change my voice.” I’m going to do that because he’s a nomad and he’s from Qing dynasty. He’s Manchurian, and their language is like almost from the throat. I want to deliver that. I want people to see that genetically, when people speak through the throat, they’re going to sound different. 

So all those freedoms that you have as an actor, and the director gave you the freedom to do those stuff, it’s a blessing. Because it’s just so easy for the director to just say “no,” and now you’re in trouble. And you’re just a puppet. “Do this, go there from there. And don’t smile. Don’t do anything.” That’s the nightmare for an actor to work in that condition.

How was it for Mortal Kombat? Were you given a lot of leeway with Sub-Zero?

A lot! Simon [McQuoid], he’s amazing. With almost everything, we’re on the same page. I came up to him almost every morning because we stayed in the same hotel, and he’s actually on the same floor with me. So before, I bothered him a lot. And I know he was busy. I need to ask something. I want to do this. I want to do that. I want to have this layer of him when he’s doing this, he’s doing that. So he was like, “Do that. I love it. It’s brilliant. We’re on the same page.” So it reached the point, I think half of the movie, he just looked at me, I just looked at him. Sometimes we just looked at each other, and we understand we’re on the same page. It was a beautiful relationship with him.

Do you feel that you captured Sub-Zero in a way that you wanted to represent him? Was he a character that you played when you played the game?

Probably different because in a game, people probably like more Kuai Liang, the brother. I think the Mortal Kombat 11, it’s more about Kuai Liang [the original Sub-Zero’s brother], and Bi-Han’s already a new cyborg. But I’m happy with what I saw. I’m happy that this anti-hero character, even though it’s a very thin layer here and there, but I gave it on screen. I gave [a lot to] Bi-Han/Sub-Zero. And probably people don’t know, but there are a lot of layers that I gave to this character. People need to see the pain of him. In the beginning of the fight, when he’s inside the house, for me, I look at this boy and it reminds me of my brother, Kuai Liang. That’s why I smile at him.

And then I just realized that my destiny for this family is to wipe them all. So those small thin layers here and there that I gave in this character, it’s there. They didn’t cut it. Everything is there. I’m so happy that I know when people watch it the second time, they will probably pick up a little bit of that here and there. 

I remember Jax—Mehcad [Brooks]—said “You’re a bad guy. You killed a boy. But somehow I feel you. Somehow, I feel so weird, but I feel empathy for your character.” And then I was like, “Okay, that’s it. That’s the goal. That’s what I wanted to do.” Because Sub-Zero/Bi-Han is a dark character. But tragic things happened to him when he was a kid. He got abducted. It’s by force, to become an assassin, to be part of Lin Kuei assassins, because he didn’t choose that path.

It was destiny [that chose to put him on] that path. And then for him, well, while a lot of people probably look for the light, he is just the kind of person to say, “It’s too late. I’m just going to be who I am.”

Mortal Kombat premieres in theaters and on HBO Max on April 23, 2021

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The post Mortal Kombat and the Man Who Gave Sub-Zero a Soul appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3aqWgCG

[thomaslightwoodenthusiast]

hello all!

as many of you know, i mentioned that i was working on a thomastair fic. well, recently i gained the confidence to finish the chapter and i finally have! i’m going to upload it here first to get some opinions, and after that it will all be going on wattpad. if you like what you read and don’t use wattpad, please let me know! without further ado, here it is;

ethereal - thomastair, ch1

Thomas Lightwood did not enjoy parties. However, he was attending this one. One of his best friends, James Herondale, was celebrating his engagement to his long term girlfriend, Cordelia Carstairs. Thomas was happy for them; of course he was. But deep down, he wanted something like what they had. A love so strong, so beautiful.

He would never comfortably get it.

"You ready then, Matthew?"

Matthew was bubbly as usual. Something about him felt slightly...off, though.

"Of course! Yes. I can't wait!"

Thomas grabbed his cousin Christopher and the three left. James was already at the Devil's Tavern with Cordelia and Anna, Thomas's other cousin. Anna had given Cordelia a dress -surprising, as Anna herself never wore them.

The celebration was to be small; The Merry Thieves, Cordelia, Anna, Tessa & Will, and Sona, Cordelia's mother. Elias Carstairs was not going to be there, as he was still 'unwell'. As for Alastair, Cordelia's permanently MIA brother, he was still not going to be there. He never was. Cordelia had been sad; she loved her brother and would have loved him to come. But there was something 'odd' about him. She'd explained it in short once before:

"I do have a brother -Alastair. I love him dearly. But none of you will ever meet him- at least it's highly unlikely. He has sworn off ever socialising with anyone other than family."

"Why?" Christopher had asked, with genuine curiosity.

"He hasn't told me exactly what it is. Until a few years ago we were close, but now he just shuts everyone out. He's always been terrified of emotions. Acting like love is a weakness. I want him to meet someone, to fall in love and be happy, but any time I ask him if he's met anyone he just replies with 'To love is to destroy'. It's like his mantra or something."

"He isn't possessed is he?" asked Matthew.

"Of course not you idiot! But he might as well be. All I know is, whatever this damn curse is I don't have it."

Thomas had become fascinated. He played around with the theory that Alastair was one of those ethereals he'd always heard about. He knew the stories, and to be honest had always wanted to meet one. None of the other Merry Thieves believed in them, so Thomas usually kept quiet.

"Guys! You're here!"

The trio of boys were immediately absorbed into hugs.

"Wouldn't want to miss it. Congrats!"

"Thank you," said Cordelia, blushing.

"Your dress is...beautiful. Where did you get it?" asked Matthew.

"Me. I gave her it," Anna responded, with a smirk. "I have them lying about my apartment. Never would wear any, but I like to keep them in case," she ended with a wink.

"ATTENTION, ATTENTION, I DEMAND YOUR ATTENTION," came a loud voice from the other end of the room. Thomas sighed and smiled when he saw who the voice belonged to.

Of course it was Magnus Bane.

"NOW THAT THE BOYS ARE HERE, I BELIEVE WE MAY BEGIN THE PARTY!" he said, ringing a bell.

"Why does he have a bell?" whispered Thomas.

"Seriously. You looked at him and the first question you asked was about a bell?" Anna replied.

She had a point. Magnus was well known for his outlandish and elaborate dress sense, and today was no exclusion. Somehow, he managed to look incredible no matter what he wore. Which in today's scenario, was a dark purple velvet jacket, some (leather?) trousers, a pair of extremely glittery boots, and a satin shirt of baby blue.

Matthew stared at him. "I can't tell whether I want to be him or be with him. I-"

"Adore him, we know. Why don't you go talk to him?" Thomas proposed.

"Absolutely not. I am not going to risk embarrassing myself, especially after the river incident with James that one time. I believe I will mingle with the ladies instead," Matthew concluded, approaching Sona. She began laughing.

"Christopher you haven't spoken a word. You okay?" asked Anna.

Christopher looked shocked someone had even spoken to him.

Even though Anna was his sister.

"I'm fine. You know I don't really like parties though. Too many people," he said, nervously laughing.

"You can stay about with me if you want?"

"No! You love partying. I don't want to be a hindrance-"

"Hindrance! Chris you're my brother! I can sacrifice one party for your sake. And besides," Anna cleared her throat, "I know all the girls here. No one interesting or single."

Christopher shrugged. He and Anna started talking to each other. Out of the corner of his eye, Thomas could see Cordelia glancing towards the opposite end of the room, and almost immediately darting towards it. Had she seen something?

Someone?

➿➿➿➿➿

Alastair Carstairs did not like hurting his sister. Unfortunately, he felt like he had. So that was why he went to the Devil's Tavern. He'd snuck inside through the back room, and was standing to the side, hoping to go unnoticed.

Alastair loved his sister. He was so fiercely protective of her -had been ever since childhood. So when that fateful night occurred four years ago, it had been hard for him to come around to.

Alastair thought about what had happened. Why his life was so different now. He was so scared and confused at the time -just fifteen years old. A man had come knocking at their family home door, asking for him. Sona was terrified -who was this randomer to come to her door and demand to see her son? But Alastair had woken up and had agreed to speak with him. He was tall, very very tall, Asian, and...beautiful. So beautiful. He didn't look too much older than Alastair himself, which was odd.

But the beauty.

It struck you in the face.

It was indescribable.

Alastair had recalled feeling unnaturally comfortable with this man, like he was a brother or some other male relative. He told Alastair that he was special; that there was something slightly different about him. He told him of the 'ethereals' -a community of people all across the world. They were a beautiful people. Not majorly different to normal people, but nowhere near the same. They had an immediate attractiveness that made them literally impossible to resist regardless of a person's feelings towards them. This, however, proved bad at times, and often ethereal relationships did not work out. They loved with their entire soul; if this love was not returned, their loved one was, well, it was awful really. Ethereals could have relationships with each other and they could even be with normal people if they wished. However, that was not recommended nor respected by other ethereals.

Alastair faintly recalled the man telling him how he felt about that rule/idea.

It was clear he did not like it.

But he assured Alastair that he was okay, and that he was there for him. One thing Alastair thought was unfortunate was that he couldn't remember his name- it was a unique one anyway.

As if thought became reality, Alastair returned from his daydream to see that the man he'd met all those years ago was here. At his sister's party? Odd. He thought he would've seen him again at least once if they were friends. He thought about talking to him, but he still wanted to stay unnoticed.

You can't always get what you want, though.

"Alastair?!? My brother?!"

Cordelia was standing right in front of him.

———————

Cordelia threw her arms around her brother, hugging him tight. "Why did you come?"

He gave her a glare, but couldn't help but smile. "I felt truly awful. I thought I would upset you, and so I snuck my way here. I still wish to remain unseen by the others, however."

Cordelia's smile faded a little. "Couldn't you meet them? Just introduce yourself? Please. Just once?"

"No. I am not quite sure they would like me anyways," he said, tailing off a little.

"Alastair. What are you afraid of?" Cordelia inquired.

For a moment he was silent.

"That man, the Asian one, he's the man who came to our house."

"Magnus Bane?"

"Yes, him. I wish I could ask him questions."

Because lord knows how many I have.

"I can bring him over if you like?" The younger girl offered.

"No," said Alastair, shaking his head. "I don't want to make anyone suspicious."

"Daisy? Where'd you go?"

"Oh, I am so sorry. That's James. I have to go. But thank you, Alastair. Thank you for coming. And hey; loosen up a little, alright?"

Alastair only smiled in response.

————————

Thomas was still standing chatting with Christopher and Anna, although he hadn't entirely been paying attention to the conversation. He was watching Cordelia. He could definitely see her talking to someone, but whoever she was talking to was extremely well hidden. Then he heard James call out for her, and she turned and dashed off, returning to him with a smile. He tried his best to see if he could make out a person, but it was virtually impossible.

"What's got you staring off into the distance? A pretty girl?" joked Anna.

Blood rushed to his face immediately. Thomas wished to tell Anna the truth; that he did not care for pretty girls. That he cared more about pretty boys. Anna was his cousin; and not only did he know she would support him she was also, for lack of a better word, the other way inclined.

But something was stopping him, and he wasn't quite sure what.

"I was joking, by the way, in case that's why you haven't replied," she said, raising an eyebrow.

"I- yes. I mean not as in yes I was looking at a pretty girl, I mean- actually I'm not quite sure. I'm too tired."

That was partially true, however Thomas wanted an excuse to investigate Cordelia's secret friend.

Christopher looked delighted. "If you're tired, we could leave together?"

"Oh my! Christopher, mine own brother dear, do not sound so excited to be out of my presence!"

Christopher panicked. "I didn't mean it like that!"

"I know you didn't kid. It's fine. You two leave, we'll see you tomorrow."

Thomas and Christopher left, waving to Anna. Once outside, Thomas turned to Christopher.

"Hey, there's one last thing I want to do before going back. Do you want to wait here for me, or do you wish to walk home alone?"

Christopher shrugged. "I can stay here and read."

"Are you sure? It's quite cold."

"I'll stay here for as long as I can, but if I begin to think you are taking too long I shall vacate the area and make my advances toward home and a warm bed."

Thomas laughed. He adored his family; and Christopher was no exception. He may seem odd to others, what with his obsession with science and lack of social skills, but Thomas didn't care. He and the Merry Thieves would stand up for him even if it meant losing their legs.

Thomas gave him a reassuring smile and snuck back inside the Tavern.  This time, he decided to sneak in via the back in case anyone saw him entering and re-engaged him in conversation.

He certainly did not expect his chest to collide with someone's head.

"Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't know that anyone- hey!"

The boy he'd collided with shoved his way past Thomas angrily. He was significantly shorter than him, but to be fair so were the majority of people. Curious, and to be honest- slightly offended, he followed him.

He called out to him, only to be met with an intense glare and for the boy to continue walking away. 

Thomas got a glimpse of his face. It wasn't much, but the glare lasted long enough for Thomas to figure out who it was. He looked incredibly similar to his sister, save that he had pitch black hair compared to her ruby red. He called out again, this time using the boy's name.

"Alastair!"

Alastair's head snapped back to face Thomas again, like a deer caught in headlights. Thomas approached him. "Hey! You're Alastair, aren't you? Cordelia's big brother?"

Alastair spoke for the first time. "I do not see why that is of any worth to you. Also, your chest collided with my head, and now it hurts."

"I'm sorry! I didn't think anyone would be there. I just wanted to-"

"I have no reason to be concerned with what you are about to say, so if you may allow me I shall be on my way. I have places to go and things to do and talking to a stranger is not one of them."

“Alright, no need to be rude. I'm only trying to be friendly-"

"With all due respect I don't care."

Thomas was getting frustrated. "Listen, Alastair. Your sister told us that you aren't a people person and I get that, but being unnecessarily rude is not the way to go. You could at least pretend to care about your sister-"

"You have no right to talk about me like that. You know nothing about me. I do care. I care a lot more than you think. Now, I will be taking my leave."

As Alastair turned to leave, Thomas still called out to him. "But aren't you curious who I am? Don't you at least want to know my name?"

"I know your name. I do actually talk to my sister, you know."

"Then why are you never here for her? Why do you never bother to make an effort to talk to her friends or to get to know any of us? I think you're-"

Alastair was seething. "Thomas Lightwood, I suggest you stop talking and leave me alone. You have no idea what you're speaking of and I intend to keep it that way."

Thomas changed the mood of the conversation, and spoke softly. "What are you afraid of? Why are you so scared to talk to people? Are you afraid of falling in love? Is that it?"

Alastair opened his mouth to make another snarky reply, but instead he bit his tongue.

"I'm cursed, okay?! I have this thing, this burden that was put on me when I was just fifteen. It makes me weird, and I hate it. I hate everything. All I wanted was a normal life and a normal life I did not get. Goodbye, Thomas. Enjoy the rest of your night."

In his mind, that was an answer to the question Thomas had been thinking about for  several years now.

“You’re not weird. You aren’t cursed either.”

“What do you mean?”

Thomas paused, and Alastair turned to walk away.

"Ethereal," he whispered. 

If Alastair was surprised Thomas had said that it did not show.

"I don't know what you think you know about me, Mr. Lightwood, but what I do know is that it's best I never see you again."

Thomas felt a small pain in his chest as Alastair finally started walking away. He was so curious about him. 

And still offended. He started walking back to Christopher.

"Oh and Thomas?"

"Yes?"

"If any single one of you even thinks about hurting my sister, you'll have a spear through your neck."

Thomas raised his eyebrows. 

Spears were an odd weapon choice, especially to have lying about the house.

[wa-sabi]

PARASITE: My analysis (spoilers)

There’s so much to unpack in Parasite I don’t know where to start from. I have to say this was a magnificent thriller with that hint of horror that in my opinion really added to this film (and only Asian directors can so skillfully slide in without trashing the story by doing so). I don’t think I’ve ever been hanging on my seat as long as I did with Parasite.   There are three narrative layers, one for each family: the Park’s, the Kim family  and finally housemaid Moongwang and her husband. There is most certainly a descending social hierarchy between these people, explicitly portrayed  by the location of their respective houses: while the Park’s live in a luxurious mansion flooded by light, the Kim’s share a semi basement enlighten by a narrow window at the street levels that not so occasionally becomes a toilet to drunk passersby and finally the housemaid hiding away her husband from loansharks in the underground bunker of Park’s house, where there is no light, no fresh air. I won’t recap the story since I assume you’ve watched it already, but I will focus on the dynamics among these groups of people instead and the symbolism this film is so rich of.  I’ve found this movie incredibly dynamic as the director for two hours keeps taking us up and down a flight of stairs: we follow Mrs Park up to her kids rooms, and then we’re going down again to the living room; the housemaid takes us to the basement and then up again. As the movie gets to its core we go even lower through the asphyxiating corridors of the bunker and then out and away from its moldy walls. Beyond the blatant metaphor of stairs standing for a social ladder these people climb on and fall from, it was such a great device to create dynamism and tension in the story, which is set almost entirely in that single house.  If we were to consider Parasite a play, then the Park’s house would be the stage, with the peculiarity of their owners being completely unaware of what unfolds around them and beneath their feet. They live in a blissful state and differently from anyone else around them, their concerns are minor. In a couple of scenes we find Mrs Park asleep and because of this condition, this sort of narcoleptic state, she becomes the emblem of the class she belongs to: around her is poverty, hunger, deception and violence, yet she is blind to it all and the moment  it is all revealed before her eyes at the birthday party, she cannot stand the horror of the reality she ignored and she collapses unconscious. This is the undying reality of this world: so much misery is consuming this society yet those in a position of power and privilege more or less consciously ignore the existence of it.

So the real action takes place away from the Park’s eyes and even though this movie is a rollercoaster, the real climax is reached upon the discovery of the bunker. The Kim family is drinking together, watching the rain fall down as they daydream about their future: a moment of genuine happiness that is disrupted shortly after upon the arrival of the previous housemaid. To me this was the highest point of the movie and truly unexpected. The story moves into a different dimension and if up to that moment we have watched the poor slowly creep into the rich house through lies and deception, as we are visually taken underground to the bunker we switch from the parasite/host narrative to the parasite/parasite battle. It’s the beginning of a bloody conflict, the Kim’s on one hand, the maid and her husband on the other, fighting for the place of a slave.

There is a significative piece of dialogue that takes place between Moongwang (the maid) and Choongsok (Mrs Kim), right before the rest of Kim’s family accidentally reveal themselves, so making it clear to Moongwang what happened up to that moment: Moongwang asks Choongsok help, calling her “a sister in need” as she begs her to keep the secret and bring food to her husband, but Choongsok immediately refuses to identify with her, dismissing the title of sister in need and threatening to call the police as she stands in a position of power over Moongwang and her husband, even if only for so long. In that moment we can see how Mrs Kim is not willing to abandon what she considers her position of privilege in order to sympathize with the couple who shares with her more than she would like to admit. She shows no understanding for who happens to be lower than her (even if just by little): her only concern is to protect what she unrightfully gained. And in the lack of solidarity of fraternity we see the rich/poor juxtaposition being reproduced among the lowest classes. It only takes a bit of power for the one who holds it to abuse it on those below. It’s the survival of the fittest that knows no mercy.

The reason why I really enjoyed Parasite is the complexity or it, it is intense and holds a lot of meaning. It doesn’t simply come down to anti capitalism, because if it’s true that it shows us humans turning savages in their desperate quest for money and comfort, engaged in a constant conflict induced by a hierarchical structured society, it also portrays the fixity of that structure. Aspiring to reach the top of that pyramid, believing to fit among those staying at the top, is mere fantasy. And when Mr. Kim and his son Kiwoo realize that for themselves there’s no turning back to the tragedy. Starting from Mr Kim, it’s because of a smell, his smell, the smell of the corpse, that finally he stabs Mr. Park. For the ceo that smell crosses the line as it is the only thing giving away Kim Kitaek’s background. The Park believe him (just like everyone else in the family) to be an experienced driver, a professional in high demand, yet the only thing that brings them closer to the reality of that semi basement he lives in is too much for them and causes a great nuisance. Because that smell isn’t the sign of a poor hygiene but the symbol of his social status. And that status, the reality he comes from, will be stuck with him forever even if he was to sit on the highest throne of the world. If Kitaek strives to better his condition, right when he believes to have elevated himself, his smell clings onto him reminding him where is it that he really belongs to. It is impossible for him to become different.

Moving over to Kiwoo, by the end we see him in Dahye’s room, standing absorbed in thought by the window and asking her “Do I really fit here?” and few minutes after he is collecting the rock from his backpack and going downstairs most certainly go get rid of the maid and her husband, the only obstacle to his family ascending. But tragicomically enough, his chosen weapon ends up crushing his own head. I would say that stone is among the main actors of this movie. When he receives it from Min together with the tutoring opportunity, it becomes for him a sort of prophecy, awakening in him an ambition, a sense of hope. Perhaps the hope to climb the mountain that rock comes from. In the end he actually goes on top of that mountain, finally leaving the rock in the river, maybe hinting at the fact than rather than wealth it brought him misfortune. But until that moment that rock sticks with him all the time, just like his helpless sense of hope: at their lowest, on the night of the flood, he sleeps holding it over his chest. But ultimately that hope deceives him and his family more cruelly than they deceived anyone before.

There is no happy handing for them: his sister dies, his father disappears, it’s just him and his mother left exactly where everything began. The same house, a new host and Kitaek being the new parasite, the story repeats itself unchanged.  Now it’s at the ending that the director becomes the most cruel. We’re made believe that despite everything Kiwoo could really save his family from the despair they lived their whole life, I believed it, you believed it, everyone believed it, only for our imagination to be crushed on the sight of Kiwoo in the semi basement, daydreaming about a better future when he will free his father. Personally I take it as an open ending: what condemned the Kim family to their tragic ending was probably the lack of morality they acted with. I want to believe that Kiwoo will get a second chance in life, hopeful that he will use this opportunity righteously. Being honest, just like being nice, is easy when you’re rich, but it takes courage when there’s no reason or reward for it.

[marril96]

The Distance Between Us

Chapter 20: On Thin Ice

Pairing: Rowena x reader

Summary: Suspicions arise and some truths come to light.

Editor: @miss-moon-guardian

*****

If the frozen, slippery roads and pathways didn't kill you, you were sure the midterm would.

As if it wasn't enough that you had to keep track of months' worth of Math lessons — the traffic had made three separate attempts on your life on your way to school, though thankfully (or, rather, unfortunately. If you were dead, you wouldn't have to do the midterm) you'd managed to avert each by grabbing walls or radom poles to keep yourself on your feet.

Winter was a bitch.

Today of all days.

It was clear to you from the moment you'd opened your eyes that it would be a horrible, horrible day.

The frozen ground and your various close encounters with it were proof enough.

What confirmed it, though, was walking into your Math classroom and noticing the seat you'd counted on being occupied was empty.

Rowena wasn't there.

Seconds ticked by, the clock that hung above the board clicking with each one.

She wasn't coming.

Even as Ms. Hanscum wrote down presences and absences and handed out papers while going over instructions, she never showed up.

Was she sick again?

Had she slipped and fell on her way to school like you almost did?

Had she gotten hurt?

Rowena was a lot of things, but she loved her studies. She wouldn't ditch, especially not on such an important day. Whatever the reason for her absence was, it had to be serious.

You looked back to her seat longingly, eyes falling upon the empty chair. You thought she would be there — daydreamed about it — with that smug, satisfied smile on her face. That she would look at you, give you that smile she always gave you when she tutored you, the one of encouragement, of praise, that said, "You can do it" without a single word spoken aloud, and you would believe it because she was Rowena MacLeod and she'd never let you down before.

Dean caught your glance. He put on a big, goofy grin and held up his thumbs. You returned the gesture.

It was something.

He wasn't Rowena, but it was something.

Any shred of support was most welcome.

There was rumbling in the classroom, murmurs of voices whispering nervously. Friends encouraging friends. Groans and moans and privately-exchanged complaints. Then Ms. Hanscum announced the midterm was to start and everyone fell silent as if under a spell.

You scanned the paper with your eyes, heart beating wildly. The problems looked familiar, some of them strangely easy; Rowena had prepared you well. You instantly went to work. The sooner you got it over with, the better.

There were plenty of things you didn't know, numbers and formulas that confused you, but by the time the bell rang, you'd managed to complete the exam. Your nerves were going off like electric sparks the entire time, heart jumping with each number you wrote down.

You could do it, you kept telling yourself. You knew these lessons, had gone over them countless times with Rowena.

You could pass the damn midterm.

Your heart raced as you handed the paper over to Ms. Hanscum and exited the classroom. What if you didn't pass? What if all you thought you knew was wrong? What if—

No.

You weren't going to do this to yourself.

You'd studied, and while there was a lot of stuff you didn't know, a considerable amount you did.

You would get a D, at the very least.

You would pass.

You hurried to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on your face, washing away the concern that ate at you like acid. You were being silly. It was just an exam. A pretty important one, but still, it was just a piece of paper. One year from now, you would barely remember what was on it.

Christmas holidays were nearing; one more day and you were free.

Fuck the midterm.

You could worry about it in January.

That's right — it was future you's problem.

You found your friends in the cafeteria, occupying a small table. Sam was nibbling on a salad, while Meg, Castiel, and Dean seemed to be competing on who could eat their hamburger the fastest.

Meg was winning.

Crowley was sipping on his thermos. You took a sit next to him and grabbed the it, taking a small gulp — and instantly regretted it.

You slammed the thermos on the table and started coughing, the bitter taste burning at your throat. "Whiskey with coffee? Seriously?"

He just smirked. "I'm a genius."

"You're an idiot."

"You're bringing alcohol to school?" Sam asked, outraged.

Crowley shot him an amused look. "I'm sorry, does it offend your delicate sensibilities?"

"You can't do that!"

"I did." He took a long swig and licked his lips.

Your face twisted with disgust. "You're gross."

"Can't believe I'm saying this, but assface is onto something here," Meg said through a mouthful of her hamburger.

Crowley gestured to her. "You heard the lady."

Sam rolled his eyes, then sighed. "How'd the midterm go?"

"Okay, I guess," you said honestly. "I think I'll pass."

"Me, too!" Dean beamed. He took a large bite, swallowed it, then said, "Sam stayed up all night tutoring me!"

Sam shot him his signature bitchface. "Which I wouldn't have had to do if someone studied on time."

"I was busy," his brother replied, shrugging.

"Doing what? Reading Busty Asian Beauties?"

"Watching them. No one reads magazines anymore, Sam. Keep up."

"Yeah, Sam. Keep up," you snarked, earning you a bitchface as well. You turned to Crowley. "Where's your sister? She wasn't in Math."

An amused grin spread across his face. Too amused for your liking.

What had he done now?

"She slipped on ice last night. Fell right on her face." He laughed as if it was the funniest thing in the world. "You should've seen her. She looks like she wrestled a bear."

"W-what?"

Your voice broke as the word slipped from your mouth before you could stop it. Your heart stopped, froze in place. A chill, bitter, unsettling, slithered down your spine like thousands of insects creeping underneath your skin as unease, discomfort, washed over you, drenched you whole like a bitter downpour.

"Yes. Returning from her pimp's dwelling." Crowley smirked, then shrugged. "Maybe she had a rough date."

Oh, god.

"I'll sort it out with Lucifer," Rowena had said — promised, vowed — yesterday.

She'd meant it; you could see it in her eyes, the determination, the anger at his treatment of you. The rage that he'd gone after you on her behalf. Tried to tear you away from her.

She would take care if the issue.

And, if he threw another tantrum about it, he wasn't the boy for her.

Her words.

You'd clung to them since they first fell from her mouth. Went to sleep with them roiling in your head, an endless echo. Allowed a sliver of hope to light up inside you.

It was a hopeless kind of hope, one of a desperate, lovestruck teenager, but it was hope nonetheless.

What if she hadn't fallen?

What if Lucifer had hurt her?

Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.

"She's fine," Crowley said, noticing the sudden shift on your face. "Don't worry, kitten. As much as it saddens me, she'll live."

"I know," you said, feigning nonchalance. Badly. "I just…"

He rolled his eyes. "The claws are in good."

Your response was a middle finger raised high and proud.

He was right — Rowena had dug the claws in and clung to you for dear life.

And you held her to you, hoping — wishing — with all you had that she never let go.

*****

You waited until later that afternoon before heading to the MacLeods' residence. You needed to see Rowena, needed to talk to her alone, and you couldn't do that with Crowley slinking about. So you went over when you were sure he would be out; the boy was as predictable as he was annoying. With Ms. MacLeod at work and little Gavin playing in his room, oblivious to their troubles, you and Rowena basically had the house to yourselves.

If only you'd come over under better circumstances.

Maybe you were overreacting. Maybe she really had fallen.

But, with Lucifer the way he was yesterday, and her eagerness to confront him, you couldn't be sure.

You wouldn't put anything past the bastard.

The ground was still frozen, a new layer starting to form with the nightfall, air chilly enough to freeze the blood in your veins. Despite that, slowly but carefully you managed to make your way to the MacLeods' house.

You ran the bell, and the familiar voice shouted in that usual, annoyed tone, "Alright, alright! I'm coming!"

Your heart swelled with warmth. Injured or not, she was still the same Rowena you knew and loved.

She opened the door, and as your eyes landed on her, a loud, startled gasp broke free before you could try to stop it.

A bruise spread all over her left cheek, a deep, rich purple, as if someone had smeared a crayon over her skin. Her right cheek was red, raw; the color barely stood out, but you could tell it was more than a flush.

"Damn," you uttered.

"Aye. Damn," she repeated sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "Mind getting in? It's quite cold outside."

"Yeah, no shit."

You hung your coat on the hanger, then followed her to her room. She was limping, painfully so; she tried to walk normally, tried to hide it, but her body refused to cooperate. Her lips were a firm line, shut tight. Teeth no doubt gritted to hold back pained hisses and yelps.

"So," she said, sitting down on the bed with a relieved sigh, "what brings you here?"

"Crowley told me you got hurt."

"Aye. Slipped on ice yesterday. Fell on my face." She chuckled. "Bloody lucky, aren't I?"

Right.

"Must've hurt," you said.

"Like a bitch."

The smile on her mouth was nervous. Deceitful. Fake, but not enough to fool you. She pulled her turtleneck further up to her chin and wrapped her arms around her chest as if she were cold, despite the room being fairly warm. The muscles in her legs were taut, tense, imprinted perfectly on her skin-tight leggings.

Those weren't the clothes she usually wore at home.

They weren't the clothes she wore anywhere.

Was she trying to hide something? More bruises, perhaps? Possibly worse than the one on her face — the one she couldn't hide.

If she were trying to keep warm, she wouldn't have gone barefoot. She would have turned the heat up and wrapped herself up in a blanket.

Your heart raced as the realization settled in.

Before it was just a suspicion, but now you knew.

She was lying.

Whatever had happened, it was far from what she'd claimed.

Mustering up the courage, you said, "How about you tell me what really happened?"

Rowena gulped. Something dark, fearful, flickered on her face, but she quickly smoothed it out. "What do you mean?"

"Come on, Rowena. I'm not stupid. You didn't slip and fall."

"Are you calling me a liar?"

Well… yes.

Wasn't the first time.

You sighed. Sucked in a deep breath. "Did… did Lucifer hurt you?"

"What?" Her eyes were wide at the suggestion, bewildered. She turned her head. "Why would you ask that?"

You were right.

A lump formed in your throat, painful to swallow.

Good god, you were right.

"Because he's a psychopath."

She said nothing to that. Gave in to the silence. As if she hadn't heard a word you'd said.

You tried again, "Did he do this to you?"

"No," she said in an absent, distant tone. An automatic response. A lie, a blatant one.

"Rowena—"

"He did nothing to me!" she snapped, turning back to look at you. Her eyes were filled with tears, the bitter liquid sliding down her cheeks like a downpour.

You flinched at the outburst as if struck.

Regret flashed over Rowena's face, hung over it like a painting.

She didn't mean to snap; you knew she didn't. She was a lot of things, but she was never mean to you. Never rude, cruel.

She'd lashed out.

Like an animal chased into a corner, scared and hurt, she reacted. She followed her instinct and went for the defensive.

As she'd done many times in the past.

As she'd learned.

Who knew how many times she'd had to do this? How many times she'd had to lie to cover up what Lucifer had done for fiction was easier — less painful, less complicated — than truth?

No one wanted to be a victim.

Least of all Rowena MacLeod.

The girl you knew was a fighter, a survivor. Admitting to the abuse would tarnish that image. How could she be this strong, tough girl who took no shit from anyone, the girl who ruled the school with an iron fist, if she let her boyfriend push her around? How could she uphold her reputation if she allowed him to use her as his punching bag?

A pang of pain shot through your heart. Ripped at it like talons digging in, tearing it apart, shattering it into thousands of pieces.

It was wrong.

This — all of this — was so, so wrong.

Rowena hadn't done anything wrong.

She didn't deserve to look so dejected, so ashamed. So vulnerable that it hurt, physically hurt to keep your eyes on her.

"Whatever happened, it's not your fault," you said in your softest, gentlest tone. "You didn't do anything wrong."

She gulped. Curled her fingers into the bed cover, tight against the fabric, knuckles white as bone. "I know," she said in a small voice, barely audible even in the silence of the house.

Good.

That was good.

It wasn't much, but at least she wasn't blaming herself.

Slowly, carefully, you took a seat next to her on the bed. She had no objections, made no attempts to get away.

Another good thing.

You had her trust.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"I…" Tears prickled at her eyes, staining them red as blood. A few slid down her cheek; she wiped them away with her sleeve, only for more to pour in their place. "We had a fight."

"You and Lucifer?"

"Aye."

You figured as much.

With a nod, you prompted, "Was is about what happened in the bathroom?"

She gave a nod on her own, a small one, barely noticeable.

"I'm sorry," you said.

She looked at you as if you'd suddenly grown a second head. "You haven't done anything."

True.

You haven't.

The reasonable part of you knew that.

But you couldn't shake the guilt that roared within you, turned your stomach around like a storm.

Lucifer wanted you gone. He wanted you out of Rowena's life, and she wouldn't let you go. She wouldn't give you up, no matter how many tantrums he threw.

So he hurt her.

He hit her.

He beat her.

Your teeth clenched tightly as realization settled in, made itself at home.

Lucifer beat Rowena.

Because of you.

Tears brimmed up in your eyes; you held them back, willed them to wait. Rowena was hurt. The last thing she needed was to see you cry.

After all, this wasn't about you.

You were the cause, the heart of the conflict, but Rowena was the victim.

She was the one who bore the bruises, the pain both physical and emotional.

All because she wouldn't give you up.

Your heart ached for her, longed for her, loved her so much every beat hurt.

She'd changed.

She wasn't the mean girl anymore. Wasn't the stereotype you hated, loathed, wanted to avoid at all costs.

You doubted she ever was.

She'd always been the girl in front of you, the soft, sweet, vulnerable thing who loved and cared and hurt just like everyone else. She'd simply hid it behind a facade — a bad one, if you dare say so, for, thinking it through, she'd never actually been cruel. She'd never hurt anyone on her own. Never bullied for the fun of it. Her friends were always at the center of it. She may have pointed and laughed along, but, as despicable as it was, she'd never landed the first blow.

"I know," you said. "I just… I'm sorry."

Rowena nodded.

"How bad is it?"

She stiffened.

Shit.

Whatever he'd done, it had to have been horrible.

"Can I see?"

"You shouldn't," she said in a small, small voice. Wounded. Broken. Shattered into millions of pieces.

The bastard would pay for doing this to her. You swore it on your life.

"It's okay." You laid a hand on her shoulder, your touch soft, gentle. Her eyes were on yours, fat tears trailing down, your own ones following suit. "You can show me." Your hand slid up and down her arm, caressing her. Comforting her. Letting her know that she was safe, that you were here, and nothing like this would ever happen again. "It's okay."

Rowena sighed. Her eyes closed for a moment, and she sucked in a deep breath. A few moments passed by in silence, uncomfortable, deafening. Then her shaky hand slithered up to her neck and she pulled her shirt down; not much, but enough to show skin, tender and bruised, raw and purple.

Jesus!

You barely suppressed a gasp.

Various shades of purple were sprawled over her neck, light and dark fading into one another. A few particularly dark, circular spots stood out. Richer than the others, deeper in color.

Fingers.

The bastard had left imprints of his fingers on her like grim tattoos, reminders of what he'd done.

His brands.

Not permanent, but lasting enough to make her relive the pain every time she looked in the mirror, to make her flash back to the awful moments when he choked her, squeezed her neck until she was gasping for breath.

Eyes turning sideways, avoiding yours, Rowena pulled up her sleeves and, finally, exposed her stomach.

This time you did gasp, loudly.

Her forearms and stomach were a mess of bruises, almost every inch of her skin covered in hues of purple.

"Oh, god!"

It slipped out before you could try to stop it.

The images seared into your brain, into the depth of your soul.

Purple everywhere.

So much of it.

It had to have hurt.

Good god, the girl must have been in unimaginable pain.

You let the tears fall freely, no strength left to contain them.

This was wrong. So very, very wrong.

The bastard didn't get to do this, didn't get to make her into his punching bag and get away with it.

Something had to be done.

"You should go to the police," you said, mind already conjuring up images of him in chains, trapped in a dark, lone cell, alone and miserable.

Rowena pulled her shirt back over her injuries. "No." Her response was firm, decisive. She'd already made up her mind.

And you'd made up yours. "He has to pay for what he did to you."

"I'm not reporting him."

You stared, incredulous. Baffled. "Why?"

Who was this person?

It certainly wasn't the Rowena you knew.

The girl you knew was strong. She knew her worth and didn't let anyone treat her like shit. She stood her ground. Fought back. Made her voice heard no matter who wanted to silence it.

Why was she covering for Lucifer?

What was it about that boy that made him worth her pain, her dignity?

"I don't want to," she said nonchalantly, as if she were talking about the weather.

You looked at her as if she'd just confessed to murdering your entire family. "What? Why?"

She gave you a quick glance, then got to her feet and, on wobbly legs, limped over to the window. Far away from you. Back turned in your direction.

You stood up right after she did. "Rowena?"

"I told you I'm not reporting him," she said coldly. "Drop it."

"You know damn well I can't do that."

She may have been okay with Lucifer being a neanderthal, but you weren't.

She stiffened. In a softer, calmed voice, she said, "Y/N, please."

She sounded so broken, so shattered.

A pang of pain shot through your heart.

She wasn't okay with it.

She wanted Lucifer to pay, too, but she couldn't do it. Something was holding her back.

"He can't do this to you," you told her. "It's wrong."

She gave a bitter chuckle. "Lots of things are wrong in life, dear. We can't fix them all."

"No, but we can fix this."

She shook her head. "We can't. I'm far too gone. There is no coming back."

"There's always a way back."

"Not for me. I can't."

"Why?"

"Because…" She sucked in a breath. Took a moment to compose herself. "There are things about me that you don't know."

Plenty of them, you were sure. Still… "Whatever it is you did, or think you did, you don't deserve this."

"I don't, but… there is a price for everything."

"This is too high a price," you argued.

"Maybe so," she conceded, "but I have to pay it. I can't lose everything." She finally faced you, face red with dripping tears. "I can't go back to the bottom."

You frowned, confused. "What are you talking about?"

"It's just a few more months. Then I'm free. I can handle it for a few more months."

"Handle what? Lucifer?" Your eyes widened in horror. "You're going back to him?"

Hurt flashed over her face as she replied, "What other choice do I have?"

"You have plenty of choices!"

None of which involved going back to that monster.

Why was she refusing help?

Why was she doing this to herself?

"You don't understand, Y/N."

"Then explain it to me!" you demanded, voice breaking. "Please. Tell me why."

"I'm doing what's best for me."

No.

No, she wasn't.

"I don't expect you to understand. I just… I want you to respect my choice."

"I can't do that."

She gave a sad smile. "I know. At least pretend? It will be best for the both of us."

"I can't do that, either," you whispered. "I…"

I love you.

The words caught in your throat, too tight, too constricted to let them out.

You couldn't tell her.

Couldn't lay such a burden on her.

Not here, not now.

Instead, you said, "I'm your friend."

And with that, you left.

You cried all the way back home and up until you laid down to sleep.

The images of what Lucifer had done, the sea of purple, kept flashing in your mind.

Lucifer hadn't just hit her — he'd beat her senselessly, cruelly, so hard she could barely walk. He'd choked her to the point of leaving imprints of his fingers.

Next time he got mad, he could kill her.

He would kill her.

Rowena may have been okay with that, but you weren't. You would never be okay with him abusing her. Would never respect her choice to take it, to live with it, no matter how hard she wanted you to.

You cared about her — loved her — too much for that.

But what could you do?

You couldn't go to the police on her behalf. Couldn't go to the teachers, let alone the Principal.

You were helpless.

Completely and utterly helpless.

Or…

Maybe not.

An idea suddenly popped up in your mind.

It was far from perfect, bound to end up in a mess, but it would do something.

Most likely not much, but you weren't in a position to choose.

Maybe all hope wasn't lost after all.

With those thoughts of possibilities, of various outcomes, after almost the entirety of the night twisting and turning with grim images in your head, you drifted off to a short, blissful sleep.

You dreamed of Rowena in your arms, safe and sound and happy.

You couldn't make it reality, but you could certainly try.

*****

Tags: @werewolfbarbie @oswinthestrange @songofthecagedmoose @apurdyfulmind @getthesalt-sam @metallihca @salembitchtrials @jay-eris @hellsmother @elizabeth-effie @victoriasagittariablack @rowenaswife @wonderifshelikesroses @xfireandsin @liddell-alien @hotdiggitydammit @lae-lae @darkhumorsblog @gaysnakess @angel7376 @cherrypierowena @ruthieconnells @evil-regal-vampiress @collectorofsecretsandsouls @angel-e-v-a @tasyahilker @a-queen-and-her-throne @carryon-doctor-lock

[beihonglin]

anyway i met bei honglin and he’s an actual angel and we don’t deserve him: a recap

also this is more than 5k words so like ! prepare yourselves!

fhdjjd okay so in april honglin’s hyh brought up his birthday party in his gc and I was like :——) that’s when spring sem ends I could actually make it

 fast forward through a lot of encouraging by summer miss @91percentchaoze​ (sobs I rly owe summer my life) and a lot of anxiety about flights and a lot of other stresses in between

and June 2nd I’m in shanghai with mirthe miss @honglinsmacaroni​ and meggi and summer ie three of the cutest people in the world!!!

when we get to banana there were already other fans there waiting at the event space and the hyh was giving out seat numbers and stuff

so meggi was 10, summer was 11, mirthe was 14 and I was 15

and we started giving out the slogans and stuff we printed until the staff chased us out so they could set up

and so we were chilling first in Starbucks w the other fans fhdjjfjf they’re rly so cute I was finally able to put faces to weibo handles & they finally realised they were talking to someone who’s actually shit at speaking Chinese lmao

then when it got to 2 o’clock we moved outside near the entrance of the event space (since the event space was supposed to be open to us at 2)

but they got the time wrong and we ended up only being able to go in at nearly 3

which isn’t important anyway bc !!! we saw tangram walking in !!!

okay so we saw this white blob coming out from the main banana building and walking towards one of the side buildings and we were like

whomst

and it wAS JINGZUO JSDKAHFKJDH

and summer or mirthe waved at him and he was like bitch wtf and squinted

like ??? who the heckity is waving at me but then eventually he connected the dots and was like o yah fans so he waved back fhdchdkhcjdjf

and he just walked on what a king ??????

summer was right I was surprisingly more chill than I thought I would be fhdjfjfjjf I thought I would cry but I didn’t

so we waited around a bit longer, got suntans and sunburns and slightly dehydrated

and then honglin walks out

my god y’all he’s a whole goddamn angel he’s not real I’m telling you he’s unreal

I KNOW I said the last time that yanjun is rly unphotogenic and all the photos don’t do him justice but leT ME TELL YOU

THE ENTIRE BANANA FAMILY IS LIKE THIS THEYRE UNREAL

THEYRE ALL BANANA PEELS IN HUMAN SUITS THEIR VISUALS ARE ??? NOT HUMAN

but yah at first I was like o he’s gonna go through the back exit to the event space he’s not gonna come this way

AND THEN HE CAME THIS WAY

fhdjfjfj i didn’t take a video but if I did u would probs hear me go “o shit he’s coming” fhdjfjfj

and mirthe was like I’M GONNA TELL HIM UR WEIBO HANDLE I’M GONNA TELL HIM YOU’RE ASTROFIREWORKS and I was like NO so then we had a little back and forth for a while tHAT HONGLIN SAW FBDJHFJF

I don’t rmb a lot of it bc I was mainly in shock that he was in front of me so I was mostly like :——) heckie!

but he went through the front entrance and the moment he made it inside I lost my shit fbdjfjjff

mirthe sent a picture of me just kneeling at the entrance contemplating my entire life to the group chat fhdjfhdj apparently I said that I wanted to go home fhdjfjfjjf

and then zhixie and jingzuo came out soBS

ZHIXIE IS SO BEAUTIFUL IRL U DONT UNDERSTAND HIS CHEEKBONES ARE INSANE

also he had black hair again and the cuTEST HAT ON and we promptly lost our shit

Jingzuo,,,,, in a plain white shirt and blue jeans and converse,,,, someone PLEASE stop him

but they went in and we cried

and waited outside bc ruotian and chaoze still hadn’t gone in but then someone came to tell us chaoze was off filming for his show so he wasn’t coming & somehow ruotian had alr made it into the building without us noticing so eventually we all went in

and the chairs were so comfortable o my god they swivelled and they were like super squishy I love chairs

and then the best two hours of my tgm stan life started :—(

my god the moment honglin stepped on stage my entire heart melted he rly looked so good sobs

you’re completely right I’m dedicating an entire portion to his visuals

his eyes :—-( are so sparkly my god

and when he smiles his eyesmile???? he gets those rly deep wrinkles around his eyes and they’re actually beautiful????? ;;;;

he Radiates joy like i know i say this so often but their debut song??? radiant??? written For him,,,

also when he smiles it’s so warm like you find yourself smiling along bc he rly and genuinely means it and is happy and your heart just warms up bc he’s happy and i just

man i l*ve him

okay so the first segment zhixie was like “what do y’all love about beibei”

and everyone was yelling different things like “he’s so handsome” and “so talented” and “his vocals” and someone also yelled “he can eat a lot” and zhixie was like ??? bro whAt

also someone said “he spoils his fans a lot” and my god y’all it’s so so true but more in that at the very end of this recap

I couldn’t even say anything rip bc my entire brain was set in English and I was like ???? my god i wrote an entire post about the reasons I l*ve him but my mind is blankity blank

but then he was like well beibei’s great at pick up lines

so he did pick up lines based on scenarios zhixie gave fhdjfjfand most of them were old tsk

but he made up this rly cute one that went like 看花开不如看着你发呆 ‘people like looking at flowers bloom, but i’d rather look at you daydreaming’ and i UWUED SO HARD

and I didn’t realise this until meggi pointed it out after but when they put the scenarios on screen, they used a gender neutral “TA” instead of the gendered 她/他 ;;;;;

then they did this segment where honglin was supposed to go against three fans and do a tongue twister in the shortest time and in order of time they got to choose foods under cloches

honglin did so badly fhdjfjfj he got last place but idk if he did it on purpose so his fans could win

one fan got wasabi disguised as ice cream and zhixie was like EAT IT and honglin was like DONT

and he offered to eat the wasabi for her I’m sobbing he rly is so sweet

but zhixie was like NO SHE HAS TO EAT IT and everyone laughed bc he was so adamant fhdjfjfj i love zhixie with my entire soul

and thEN honglin goes okay y’all know how I posted that picture last night

(this picture)

my god I died when he posted it bc

1) I love that shirt what an expensive look

2) he was baking ;A;

and he made a half-baked cheesecake s o b s

he was like: “since i’m always posting vlogs and y’all always watch me eat I thought I’d make food for y’all this time” and I WEPT

and he was like oh give me a theme and i’ll decorate the cake around that theme

so they pulled out the box again and he picked random numbers

and they called out 4 and 15 and 27 to go on stage and I was like

wow I wonder who they are omg

and suddenly summer’s in my ear going MY GOD 15 IT’S YOU

me:

me: what

zhixie: STOP DREAMING IT’S YOU

me: WHAT

hdsflgkjhdfkhgjdsfgkhksfgkdjhdfgkjhsdgjh

and the entire time i was mouthing to mirf and meggi like I CAN’T SPEAK CHINESE I’M GOING TO GO UP AND FORGET THAT I’M BILINGUAL I’M GOING TO BE BYELINGUAL I’M

and they were mouthing back sPEAK ENGLISH and i was like oK

and then it was my turn and i was shaking so so so hard ????

like i’m so so so bad in front of crowds i’ve shaken my way through every marketing presentation ever bc i hATE public speaking and now i have to go up in front of two angels?????

mirf and meggi were like THAT’S ASTROFIREWORKS and i didn’t realise until i checked the group chat after that zhixie said yAY KJDHSKSJAHKJA

and summer was like SHE FLEW IN FROM NEW YORK kjdshfkahdgjfhagjd

and zhixie was like wait do u speak chinese

and i blANKED OUT I WAS LIKE YES BUT FAM NO

but he only took the yes and was like ok thaNK GOD I DONT HAVE TO TRANSLATE

inside i was like fAM WHO THE HECKITY DO U THINK TRANSLATES YOUR VIDEOS I CAN DO IT FOR U KASJDHFLSKJDHKH but outside i was just ah yes :—)

and zhixie and honglin said something about english but my mind was blank all i could do was stare at honglin like

y’all

i know i said he was unreal but

up close

he’s literally ??? a whole angel like ????????????? his eyes sparkle so much when he laughs my heart STOPPED

and when they asked me to step closer i was like

actually i can translate for u i’m-

and zhixie was like NO THERE’S NO NEED like akdsfhkjkjdshJKASDHK OK

then honglin asked what theme i wanted and i was likE FAM IDK I’VE BEEN BLANKING THE ENTIRE TIME STARING AT YOU

so i was like okay i know u rly like one piece so something maybe one piece related

and he was like fam that’s difficult sadjkfhalsKJSDHLKJASD

but the moment i opened my mouth

zhixie: ARE YOU SINGAPOREAN OR MALAYSIAN

me: uh i’m singapor-

honglin: uwu i can hear it

me: about to die

zhixie (in english): ur accent !

and god yall my entire heart burst into flames like

i’ve said it before here but i’ve spent quite a bit of time being ashamed of my accent bc when i first got to america nobody could understand my singaporean accent and everyone kept asking me to repeat myself and eventually i was like ok u know what it’s better if i just shut up and not talk

and so the reason why i’m so so so proud of zhangjing (and jj) is bc there finally is ?? some south east asian representation and there are even people complimenting his accent and calling it cute and it ?? finally felt like i shouldn’t be embarrassed about the way i speak??

zhixie: when i heard you i was like eh? it’s almost like i heard you zhangjing

and i

Cried

and then zhixie turned to meggi and mirthe and were like yall come from beijing?

like fam what

and meggi was like no we come from belgium

zhixie: malaysian? you?

about ten people correcting him: belgium

zhixie, again: malaysian?

kajsdhflasjdkhfkj

and then zhixie said some other words but yall i was

just watching honglin

his hands are so so so so beautiful like his fingers are rly nice and

his nose ??? work of art

also his hands looked so soft like :—(

he was just bent over the cake and he :—( rly truly a goddamn angel

summer took photos of me that i’m never releasing ever sakdfhaksjdhfds i look so COMPLETELY WHIPPED FOR HIM LIKE

and at one point he started plucking cherries and one stalk fell on the floor and i was like o no so i went forward to pick it up and he

looked up

and said ‘oh it’s okay’ and smiled and

my heart stopped i think i left my soul on stage

O SHIT OKAY AND THEN ZHIXIE WALKED OVER AND WAS LIKE

CAN I ASK WHAT YOU’RE THINKING U LOOK LIKE YOU’RE LOSING UR MIND

AND I WAS LIKE FAM U DONT UNDERSTAND I A M

and i was like ‘idk i’m just ?? very shookt’

and zhixie was like what??? shy????

me: 很惊讶 (very shocked)

zhixie: shy? ? ??

me, thinking: fam this is how i feel when i translate yall captionless vlogs

zhixie (in eng): is this ur first time seeing honglin?

me: my first time seeing you also !!!!!

zhixie, suddenly shy: ah okay thank u

UWU!!!

and then honglin was done and looked up and i might have died inside again

AND HE WALKED OVER AND I WAS LIKE FAM NO DONT IF YOU COME CLOSER I’M LITERALLY GOING TO DI E??????

and he was like ‘oh this is zoro’

the sane part of me: oh wait ur favourite character is zoro???

bc liTERALLY TWO DAYS BEFORE HE POSTED ABOUT SANJI AND SO MY SISTER AND I WERE LIKE OH HE PROBS LIKES SANJI

BUT HE

LIKES ZORO

(my sister, afterwards: wtf i feel lied to)

but he was so heckin close to me like fam my heart

stopped

honglin: i hope u like it uwu

me: heck !

honglin: take one bite!

me: HECKITYHECK

zhixie (in eng): i wanna see ur facial expression

aND THEN THEY WERE BOTH LOOKGIN AT ME LIKE FUCABJS,BCD

FUCINADJCNSAKJDKJ

honglin: is it okay? ;;

me: FUCIJNSKCSADJ YES TAKE MY HEART TAKE MY SOUL

and i finally FINALLY FUNIAJKNSSK FINALLY GOT OFF THE GODDAMN STAGE

zhixie: WHERE’S HER APPLAUSE

anD EITHER RUOTIAN OR JINGZUO UPSTAIRS STARTED CLAPPING AGAINST THEIR MIC LIKE ASDFAHKSDHFAKSJD SHUT UP

 AND I WANTED TO DIE I WALKED ITNO A CARDBOARD CUTOUT RIGHT AFTER BC I WAS SO SHOOK

and honglin was like be careful! there’s a cardboard cutout right there! bc he’s a whoLE ANGEL

but also like GKASCKASHDHFAJDSHLFKJ PLS STOP LOOKIGN AT ME PLEAS E MY HEART IS WEAK I’M

my god

collapsed into summer’s arms right after thank god for summer !!!

okay then the next segment zhixie was like o yall know honglin’s position in the group is main vocal so next he can sing something for yall

honglin: actually i prepared an entire song for yall but music copyright means that i can’t sing it w a backing track

bc if he sings w a copyrighted backing track or if he sings more than half the song the livestream video would have to be taken down or something??

but it didn’t matter bc the moment he opened his mouth my entire heart STOPPED like

if he stabbed me in the stomach it would have hurt less his voice is so so sososos ososososososoosososo beautiful ????

and he sang without a backing track to like ????

i’m telling yall he’s a whole angel like he’s not real

and then honglin was like oh i also prepared another song but bc i now see there are overseas fans here i’m gonna sing an english song

and he sang when i was your man by bruno mars and when he hit the high note i think i ascended into the afterlife

about the 46 minute mark here i RLY AND TRULY RECOMMEND LISTENING TO IT SOBS HE SOUNDS LIKE THE PERFECT ANGEL HE IS

AND ZHIXIE HARMONISED AT THE BACK LIKE AHHHHH THAT’S MY BABE MAIN VOCAL TAGTEAM RIGHT THERE

and then zhixie asked if there was any other song we wanted and i was immediately like JJ!!

i’ve been ??? pleading for a jj cover forEVER ND HE

FINALLY PULLED THROUGH

honglin: i’m going to do Those Were The Days bc like the song says (那些你很冒险的梦 我陪你去疯 - all those adventurous dreams, i’ll chase them with you), i’ve been chasing my dream and yall have been here with me every step of the way

and i think the moment he said it i DIED like ???? jj is one of my favourite singers and nearly all my faves have covered his songs at least once, astro included???

and everyone who knows me knows i love jj like nini miss @tanqram​ has literally made a tangram singing jj compilation that i watch religiously ??? and this is one of my fave jj songs?????

and the moment he opened his mouth like ???? i KNOW i said that i died the last two times he sang but

firstly he sounds so much like jj?????

and secondly everything was ???? perfect??????

like i judge jj covers hard bc i’ve listened to the originals so many times everything is ingrained and the moment something is off i cringe but

yall

honglin’s perfect honglin is Actually Perfect

ALSO HE SOUNDS SO MUCH LIKE JJ LIKE HE RLY WASN’T LYING IN HIS IP INTRODUCTION

and afterwards honglin was like lol jj said before that whenever he sings high notes he starts sweating and immediately jingzuo (???) was like TAKE OFF UR CLOTHES LKAJDHSFKASJDHFK

jingzuo chaotic good!!!

also i didn’t know until afterwards when the fantakens were out but ruotian was eating chicken wings and slurping noodles the whole time upstairs aksjdflhaksdjfhaksj why is didi line chaos

and then zhixie was like yall know what other things beibei is good at?

like fam he’s good at everything we rly can’t

also someone in the back was like he’S GREAT AT DOING THE SPLITS and honglin’S FACE AJSDFHKSJDHF

but it was languages and so zhixie was like we’re gonna make him say i love u in many different languages

and i could FEEL marta miss @honeyforzhixie​ going ????? isn’t that ur thing zhixie jsdgflasjdhf

and so they started discussing languages and zhixie was like o i know u can speak a little japanese bc i know u memorised the entire one piece theme song

and i SCREAMED INSIDE bc we literally juST TALKED ABOUT IT THAT MORNING WHEN WE VIDEO CALLED NINI nkfhakjsdhf we were like uwu we hope he sings a jj song but then we were like o lol what if he ended up singing the one piece theme song instead bc we bet he knew the whoLE THING AND HE DOES KNOW IT AJSDFHLAK

but then zhixie made honglin imitate maotong and say ‘i love u’ the way maotong would and my heart ached a little i miss my baby boy so much ??

but JINGZUO CHAOTIC GOOD JSDHLAKJ ‘could u imitate chaoze too’ jaskdlfhkjd

and so he did a couple different versions like Japanese (he and jingzuo screamed lines from one piece at each other ajdkhflksd) and korean (he took a line out of some korean drama?????)

and someone suggested french (was it mirf?????) and i lAUGHED rip his french vlog sorry honglin i swear i love u !!

and then they were like ok time to play his fan video

okay listen i have to preface this by saying that when i got the brief from the hyh she told me ‘it’s best if we make him cry!’ and i was like ok! sure!

turns out it made ME cry i stressed out over the video for two entire weeks sobs the moment my finals were over i locked myself into nyu’s computer lab until moving out day but still couldn’t finish it so i had to work on it on the plane ride home too sobs my roommate connie miss @ynajun​ saw the worst of it bc every time i came home from the lab i’d stress about it ???

but my god it was worth ??? everything ????

he ?????? cried??????

and like on one hand i’m happy that i managed to fulfil the brief but also i feel bad bc he cried but also mostly i laughed bc he’s such a sweet emotional bub

BUT ALSO BC HE CRIED MEGGI GOT TO OFFER HIM HER TISSUES!!!!!!!!

like we specially bought tissues before we left for banana bc we were like we’re gonna need them bc we’re gonna cry

BUT IT TURNS OUT HONGLIN NEEDED HTEM MORE AJSDKFHLASJDHFKAJ

zhixie: he cries every year during his birthday

zhixie: but also even when it’s not his birthday he cries he cried at my birthday too

and afterwards in chaoze’s birthday post he called honglin a crybaby too UWUWUWUWU

tangent but on his birthday when he came into the group chat he thanked us again for the video and i Died

okay this next part is purely speculation bc i honestly might just be overinflating myself and he might have done this purely coincidentally but when he thanked us for his video he looked at me and i ?????

when the video was playing nini and marta were yelling in the gc that they knew the video was done by me bc i overuse cc particle world on after effects jasdhlfksjdh but in that moment i briefly entertained the thought that he was familiar enough with my edits to know that the only idiot who keeps using cc particle world was me ??

but also as i said purely speculation and probably coincidence so

anyway you can watch it here 

and then they played the birthday video messages from fans and i think i died from embarrassment let’s Not talk about it

but also i only realised it after they pointed it out in the gc but apparently zhixie and honglin were both singing along to the jj backing track i added to my video ajsdfhlaksjd

my god another tangent but on his birthday when he came into the group chat we were talking about the videos we recorded

and hh (one of honglin’s og fans she’s a whole angel too I love her !!!!) was like my gOD i rly am so unphotogenic (when she filmed her video she put a ‘FAT’ over her face sobs but like mood) and i was like yah same lol i had to record myself like ten times in times square bc i looked so bad in all the takes

and honglin was like HH WHY DID U CENSOR UR FACE UR CLEARLY SO CUTE and we collectively died for her uwu !!!!

then honglin rePLIED ME SAYING ‘OH BUT TIMES SQUARE HAS SUCH A GOOD VIBE’ and i died for the nth time ??? and then he followed up by saying ‘i rly want to go to times square i’ve gone to america a lot of times when i was younger but i’ve only ever been to the west coast’ jksadhlfkjshekj pls come i’ll bring u around east coast best coast

but back to the point he was like ‘i’ve said it before during ip (and he did!!! during the fanfan episode where he was talking to the rubbish bin he rly has said it before!!!!) but i rly try my best to remember every single person’s face and all my fan’s weibo IDs’ and my heART MELTED HE

and then it was his ending ment!!

he said something that rly threw my heart off a cliff he said that he’s so grateful for the hyh and fans for listening to him and donating to charities in his name instead of buying him extravagant gifts bc when he makes it big, if he makes it big, the thing he wants to do the most is to donate to children who come from a less privileged family background bc he knows what it’s like coming from a single parent family and ;n;

then they showed wishes from other idols!!!!!

there was wang ziyi, zhou rui, the twins my ip hEART

LISTEN I ??? when zuo qibo showed up my SWIN HEART EXPLODED I ??? MISS ??? MY SWIN ANGELS ????

AND THEN RUIBIN SHOWED UP IN ALL HIS UNKEMPT AND UNSHAVEN AND RAMBLING GLORY AND MY PRINCERUIBIN HEART WEPT I THINK I HELD SUMMER’S ARM SO HARD SHE GOT BRUISES AJKSDHFKSJD I’M SO SORRY SUMMER I LOVE U

and then cHAOZE APPEARED !!!! and everyone immediately melted he’s the softest leader alive i love my baby!!

and honglin was about to say something but ruOTIAN

ruotian showed up w a cake w sparklers???????? like fam???????

and eventually we had to say goodbye :—(

but honglin was like o i rly and truly thought that there would be lesser people at this birthday than there was last year and my heart ??? broke ????

bc the room they were in last year alr was so small and there were rly little roses but he ??? genuinely thought he had so little fans that he wouldn’t even fill up the room ;;;;;;;; bc there rly are v little active roses both on weibo like there are less than ten of us who actively post in his chaohua and at tgm events like they’re mostly lrt/jjz fans and there’s usually only one rose ;;;;

but listen honglin our entire gc would die for you we will never stop loving u until every last one of us is found dead in a ditch

and then we’ll love u into the next life

also after he said goodbye he was like sike!

he kept singing behind the cardboard cutouts and peeking around them to say hi again

at some point I poked my head over and went PLS COME TO NEW YORK and he said something back that I alas couldn’t hear rip

and then he started singing along to jj again sobs

but eventually at some point they left via the back door and I was like GOTTA GO THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT I’VE BEEN TRAINING FOR sobs going to the airport for yanjun and wenjun and jeffrey and ziyi and kunkun rly was to prepare me for one thing and one thing only and it was to practise getting good non-shaky fantakens without dying???

jingzuo rly truly looked AMAZING he rly rocks the white tee blue jeans and converse look jingzuo stans stay winning!!!

and honglin ;;;;;;; was holding my banner ;;;;;;;;

and he looked directly into my camera a couple times sobs and he shot hearts too I rly ???? Editing the photos made me cry so many times fbdjhfjf every time I got to those photos I lose my mind

ALSO ONLY AFTER EDITING THE PHOTOS I REALISED RUOTIAN WAS JUDGING ME SO HARD GHDJFJ my eyes were glued to honglin the entire time but looking at the photos again ruotian looked so unamused fhcjfhfbfhbf

speaking of ruotian my gOD editing photos with him in it is a nightmare y’all he’s either blinking or looks like he’s about to sneeze in nearly every picture fhdjfjfj summer and I generally make it a rule not to blur other members’ faces out of our fantakens but ruOTIAN RLY TESTING ME

but we made it to the banana lobby and I didn’t want to follow them and their fansites in so I stopped walking and honglin turned back to wave at me ;;;;;;;;;;;;;; and i think i died again

and so I went back to the event space where summer and mirthe and meggi were waiting and sat down and blanked out sobs

but it diDNT END THERE FHDJFJJF FOR SOME REASON HONGLIN DECIDED TO WALK OUT AGAIN A BIT AFTER

so mirthe and I were like omg gotta blAST so we speedwalked over

and he :—-( saw and shot signs at my camera again fhdjfjfjjf I ???

and then it was Actually Over god I was a shell of a person after that

still am tbh I’m not sure how I survived sorting through our 2000+ fantakens fhdjfjfj

but I’m so spoiled y’all I’m really truly so spoiled by him :—(

like I said earlier he rly spoils his fans so much????

that night he posted on Instagram and immediately summer and meggi and mirthe and I commented and he replied all four of us ;n;

earlier on in spring semester there was a third party event that Tangram was invited to but the organiser was a MESS and tgm wasn’t treated very well??? but honglin was worried that the fans who travelled to the event and didn’t get to see them were upset so he came into the group chat to console them ;;;;;

and I was talking to another fan and she said that even during other events he kept turning around to wave at the fans and acknowledge them and it’s ;;;;;; as someone who has ?? waited in the rain / stood for hours waiting for idols something as simple as a nod or a smile rly warms u up and makes the wind and cold worth it ;;;; and he makes sure to do it all the time ;;;;;;;;;

on his birthday !! his birthday !! when he was in Taiwan and should be resting and enjoying time w his mum and not thinking about us !!!! he still came into the group chat for an hour and talked to us ;;;;;;

and he named all his sort of more well known fans’ IDs, even the ones who weren’t online and sending messages at the time ;;;;; like he rly wasn’t lying when he said he remembers us ;;;;

also fhdjfjfjjf god I’m so spoiled he replied me so many times ?? like there was the times sq thing and the east coast thing ???

and when he said he was training for the next archery competition I was like “o are u shooting recurve or compound this time?” and he was like “o idk if I shot recurve or compound but it’s the one I shot the last time” and I fhdjfjfjfhfb

tangential but 1) my god y’all his form is beautiful my archery heart: exploded

2) his rhotics are so beautiful too my phonology heart: also exploded

also when he was about to leave the gc I was like “huh but u just got here, why are you leaving?” and he sent another voice message “astrofireworks, why are you becoming shameless too, when did I just get here, I’ve clearly been here for a long time already” fhdjfjdjfn fhdjjd

also my GOD He was reading some IDs and summer and lyla were like what about @astrofireworks and I was like fchjfbhjdf y’all it’s ok he’s alr said it in another voice message two months ago in the gc I’m alr so spoiled I ???? rly shouldn’t ask anything else of him or he’s going to hate me

but then he

sent

a whole

nine second message

“hey astrofireworks, I hope one day I can go to New York and maybe... I’ll meet you there, okay?”

and I ??,?? Sobbed

ndjdbfjvcchhxhdhfh

and then Connie went to send him off at the airport in Taiwan the next day and ????? 

I’m not gonna say much because it’s rly conno’s story to tell and I’m not sure how much I’m allowed to say outside the gc but he rly spoils his fans so so so so much ????

anyway bei honglin rly and truly is the sweetest boy on earth we rly don’t deserve him ;;;;; this first week of June truly has been the best week of my cpop stan life and i ????? love mister bei honglin with my entire heart and soul ;;;;;;;;;;;;

[umccall71]

Snacktime

Book: The Royal Romance

Characters: king Liam x (mc) Lady Sexy

Rating:NSFW

Word count:2759

Disclaimer: All characters used are sole property of Pixelberry. I am simply borrowing them for entertainment purposes.

It had 4 weeks since the king had advised his queen of plans for the Asian Expo in Shanghai, it had also been 4 weeks since Sexy informed Liam of the change of plans. He was given instructions to the letter of how things would go down.King Liam could never deny his Queen. He succumbed to her not so subtle suggestion of changing the location and guest expectations.Sexy was definitely a force to be reckoned with behind her beauty. Liam could never explain how he always came around to her thinking, in spite of what he had laid out. He found it amusing that he could stand shoulder to shoulder with the most formidable leaders in the world, but he was no match for Queen Sexy.

Liam and Sexy had an appointment for her postpartum checkup before the craziness of the delegates arrival began.The couple shared a leisurely stroll down the stairs and met Bastien by the SUV heading to the doctors office.

“Are you ready to be released from physician session care my love?”,he asked a little too eagerly. You see,Liam had been waiting…. right along with his Queen for this big day. He had gotten acquainted with his royal member for the last 10 weeks. He caught himself daydreaming about what he would do once they could reconnect.

Sexy smirked knowing all too well what was on her stallion of a husband’s mind.”I take it you have plans once the doc releases me, I get it.”Sexy’s hand started leisurely moving up his muscular thigh, playfully looking away from him to avoid his gaze.She heard Liam take a deep, bothered breath.As quickly as her hand moved up, she removed it again.

“Perfect timing considering we’re here.”Liam composes himself and walked side by side with the queen.

After about 45 minutes and a clean bill of health later, they returned back to the palace.walking back into the royal apartments, Liam slid his arms around his queens waist kissing her on her neck, earlobe, and shoulder.

“Liam, what time does the delegation begin to arrive?Slow down tiger, we have to focus on the business at hand.” She giggles and removed herself from his grasp.

“Arrivals begin at 6:00 pm, drinks and hors d’oeuvres at 6:30, we are announced at 7, followed by dinner dessert, and out of these clothes by 9pm.”

“Damn, you smell so good, I can taste you already baby.” He releases a frustrated sigh and a deep groan wanting to skip the night.

“You know it’s bad form my king to skip your own party.” Sexy slips her arms around his neck and leans in to place her forehead on his forehead.”

“If you keep to business and avoid whoretalk, you can reach the promise land tonight…. my king.”

She placed a quick peck on his lips and separated, knowing left to his devices, she wouldn’t make it of this apartment for hours.If Sexy knew anything, it was that her king was insatiable and would not leave her unsatisfied.Sexy caught a brief shiver down her spine thinking of the numerous ways he would make her cry out his name.The twins, would definitely learn daddy’s name tonight.

Sexy bit her lower lip trying to move past the thoughts racing through her mind.

“What time will the nanny arrive to care for the twins?, she asked as if going through a mental checklist.

“4:30, leaving us plenty of time to get dressed and make our way down to the ballroom.”Liam adjusted his jacket.”speaking of getting ready, I have a little accessory I would like you to wear this evening.” He flashed a devilish, knowing grin before retreating to their chambers and returned.

“Liam, what are those?”her brow quirked up wondering what he had in mind for tonight. He presented a pair of black, lace, French cut thong underwear wired with a vibrating device.

He ghost his hands down her curves and landed on her private chest between her thighs. He inhaled as he pressed his face to her hair, “right there my Queen.”

She smirks and narrows her eyes , lowers her voice,”you have been busy my king.”

“Not being able to make love to my sexy wife has been torture.This has always been the highlight of my day.”liam locks eyes with his queen staring, hungrily in the mirror of the hall.

“I’m game if you are, my king.”she chuckled,”so who operates the remote control?”

“Why I do of course my love… I need to prime you for what’s to come.”he growled out,”but in the mean time, I need to assure the staff have all the rooms prepared for the delegates.”

“You’ve confirmed that Mr. Lee won’t bringing any surprises ?she stared at him momentarily before parting ways.

“No surprises, other than when to expect those sensations that will drive you to the brink of ecstasy.”Sexy gasp and clutched her chest at the thought l, anticipation building .

Liam and Sexy breezed through afternoon, prepared for the event, and seemed more playful than in months.The evening harkened back to pre- Hana disrespect days, days when they could sneak off to have a private moment at these balls.Liam watched as his Queen dressed in a vintage, peek a boo lace long sleeve fitted bodice contoured at her waist with a silhouette hugging satin mermaid gown.

“You are stunning my Queen, I’m not sure I’m ready to share you with the room.This evening is going to be harder than I thought.” He let out a wicked laugh. Her elongated neck was accentuated by her hair pinned up and swept to the side cascading brown curls framing her face. Her make up was flawless, and those lips, he wanted to bite and suck on her full lips painted with red lipstick. Liam couldn’t keep his eyes off of her mouth.

Sexy knew how this was incredibly hard for liam ,this would be fun taunting him, teasing him as the night drew on.”If your a good boy, mama will share some of her snacks.” She smiled seductively before taking his arm and making the familiar path down to the ballroom where there were announced to the delegates.

One by one the delegates lined up being greeted by the king and Queen, made their way through the procession. After 6 delegates, they came face to face with Xinghai Lee.He bowed and paid his respects to the royal couple.

“You look lovely this evening, your majesty”, he meekly spoke with a smile.

“Why thank you Mr Lee, how kind of you to say so.”,she nodded politely.

“My wife, Lorelei sends her apologies not being able to make the trip this time. It appears that she had a conflicting engagement.”

“So you came alone?,I hope you still enjoy your visit and find it to be productive to all involved.”Liam took comfort in getting confirmation that Hana has not decided to push the envelope and his wife’s patience.He could see the masterful relaxing of Sexy’s back. He felt horribly that she had to focus on this at all when they had such an incredible bond and sex life. It had felt like there was a ghost in their bedroom, lurking behind the slightest statement. Tonight, he would enjoy watching his queen at work dazzling the delegates and the room.

After drinks, the group sat down to dinner where Sexy would get the first taste of the vibrations in her underwear positioned slightly above her clitoris, which Liam affectionately referred to as her”pearl”. She quickly tried to adjust to the sensation while looking on watching him indulge in conversation with President of China. She saw the subtle glance and smirk as he maneuvered the remote to create just the right amount of pressure. After about a minute, he stopped and Sexy breathed out trying not to let on the feeling of heat coursing through her core.

Dinner wrapped up and Liam led Sexy to the center of the dance floor setting the program starting with a tango. The sensual music filled the room as Liam pulled his Queen to his torso firmly, guiding her slender frame in the sexual steps. As she dropped to the floor extending her leg, she felt the vibration against her pearl as Liam locked eyes with her. She couldn’t escape the lust blown haze in his eyes. Liam pulled up and felt her leg wrap around his calf, she trembled trying to keep it together. Once again the feeling stopped, but she felt the edging as she was so close to reaching a climax.

Sexy felt a flutter in her lace undies when she whispered,”you are taking too much pleasure in this awkward moment, my king.”Liam smiled down at her, grazing his hands down her back landing on her ass.The Royal couple heard the music crescendo before ending.

The room erupted in applause as the royal couple exited the floor.Liam began winding down and gave his closing remarks. The switch was engaged once again and Sexy felt as if she couldn’t contain herself, she graciously made her way out to the balcony, avoiding the wandering eyes of the palace guests.Queen Sexy devoured a glass of champagne trying to quell the sexual tension and desire that was unbelievably hot. Liam turned the remote off as he made his way to collect his queen to return to their quarters.Liam rubbed the curve of her lower back as they moved through the halls.

“Are you okay my queen, you seem a little flushed.”he smirked as she swatted his hand off of her back.

“Your hilarious Liam, I’m glad I can serve as amusement for you tonight. You knew exactly what you were doing to me.”

“My love, I warned you what was to come, consider that an appetizer. The way I wanted you, there is no way you were not going to let me have every.inch.of. You.” Liam places kisses on her in between words before opening the door to their quarters.

The couple released the nanny for the evening and kissed the twins goodnight.Liam intertwined his fingers with Sexy’s as they made their way to the royal chambers.No sooner than the doors closed to the room, his lips crashed against her as he pushed back to the door.

“Mmm… Liam,”she moaned against his lips. Feeling his warm breath against her face was intoxicating.Sexy got lost in feeling him making a path down her neck, her collarbone,the soft spot behind her ear, and back to her lips.

“Sexy….I will never get enough of you.” He felt his pulse racing here in this moment with the love of his wife.

She felt his fingers undoing the delicate buttons on the side of her dress.”Damn baby, why is this still on you, there is too much fabric between this beautiful body and me .”Liam finally impatiently removed the dress from her shoulders and it pooled to the floor.

Like a magnet his lips made their way to the barely bra and tugged at her nipple with his teeth.Sexy could not believe this was happening, it seemed like a lifetime since this man took her to the edge of ecstasy and passion. Liam used his hand to pop her clasp from the bra before tossing it aside.The sensation of the sucking, flicking, nibbling, and sensual bites were becoming unbearable.King Liam’s blue eyes honed in on her brown eyes as he descended down her chest, her stomach, and licked from hip to hip her band of her panties.

“I recall there being talk of sharing your snacks, if I was a good boy.Daddy is hungry and ready for a snack.” He groaned as he slid her panties down her legs and she stepped out of them one leg at a time.Liam kneaded her thighs and calfs as he removed her fuck me heels.

Her king looked up , but then before she knew what was happening, hoisted her in the air against the door. He positioned her legs over his shoulders and gripped her ass as his mouth found her center. “My God Sexy… do you know how long I’ve waited to taste you again?”She felt his tongue seeking her slit, moving in a glorious motion from the back to the front before his lips wrapped around her pearl, sucking her in deeply.

“God Liam, you feel so damn good… please , don’t stop” Sexy couldn’t catch her breath as heat from his mouth and the thrill of being open to him took over, he felt her thighs start to tense and shake.

Sexy felt his tongue dancing in a figure eight around her clit as her climax was moments away.

“Cum for me Sexy… daddy needs to taste your sweetness.I know there baby, let it go” Feeling the vibration of his words against her sensitive nub, sent her over the edge. He watched her belly rapidly moving in and out as she came for him.

“Liam, fuck, that feels amazing!” She screamed out his name as she exploded.

King Liam slid her body slowly to the floor and took her lips tasting her again. He smiled before kissing and walking her backwards to their bed. Sexy’s body moved to the center of the bed as she leaned back on her elbows with her eyes filled with wanting… she missed her king.Liam made quick work discarding his clothing leaving in a heap on the floor, joining her gown. Her eyes stretched watching his long, thick member grace the sexual stage.

“Someone wants to come say hello to his Queen.”,he shoots her a crooked grin while making his way up the massive bed and separating her thighs.”would you mind if we come to joined you, his mouth found hers again, she gleefully nodded yes.

Without further delay, Liam grazed her entrance with the tip of his manhood.”Baby, you are so wet for me already .” He closed his eyes momentarily while he moved against her slowly at first allowing her to adjust to the welcomed intrusion. She craved this man day and night, she felt him deep inside as her vagina molded to him . The way Liam filled her was amazing, they moved in perfect sync together, Liam’s hands gripping her hips as he pulled her to him , driving home the pleasure at hitting her spot, just right. Sexy’s hops bucked against Liam watching what being inside of her , did to her king. They both increased their pace feeling each other edging toward a overdue climax. He felt her fluttering around him, she felt his member pulsing inside .The Only sounds were their bodies meeting as one , and the heavy breathing building to an explosion.

“I want you come with me my Queen.” No sooner than he muttered those worse, her body gave way to a cataclysmic orgasm, she only saw the smile on his face and then the white behind her lids, she yelled out,Liam, Liam, fuck!”. Liam shot his essence all over her inner walls panting out,”Damn you feel so fucking good. He collapsed beside her and pulled her close as they waited for the breath to return to normal.

After several moments,Liam rose from the bed and made his way to the bathroom, she could hear the water running for a bath.

“Come my Queen.”he took her hand and walked tiredly to sink into a blissful, fragrant bath. Liam climbed in first and opened his thighs to accommodate her tiny frame. He placed a kiss to the top of her head and enveloped her body in his arms.

“I love you my Queen.” He whispered.

“ I love you too my king, do see how your rewarded when you just indulge your Queen?” She chuckled.

Liam grins as he holds her tighter, “ Are you ready for round 2 Sexy?”

“Are you sure you want the twins to learn your name by mama screaming out?, at this rate, you’ll have me knocked up again in no time.” They both let out a laugh and kissed.

“My love , if I had my way, I would fill every room of this palace with children, I love the sight of you pregnant.”

Sexy shoots him an alarming look… “ let’s take this one step at a time my king.”

[silkhalo]

AIR STREAM PT.1

Genre: FLUFF ☁️

Warnings: language

Pairing: reader & taehyung

Summary: you & your boyfriend tae decide to go on a romantic trip to malibu for the weekend. you hope it’ll be secluded enough for privacy- will you get your wish?

Authors Note: um need to start by saying @kmelanin was 100% my motivation to try writing a fanfic i love her stories they’re so good. please be gentle w me i tried 😭 but also any constructive criticism is super valuable to me. this is part one of a four part series so if you like this there’s more 💓 also picture below isn’t mine (credit: http://todayshines.com/malibu-dream-airstream/)

I’d always ask myself if it’s normal to have butterflies this far into a relationship. Who knows how long I’d been staring out the car window just daydreaming and spacing out. The butterfly thing was just one of the many questions I’d asked myself. I’d also ask how I got so lucky. Would any sasaengs find us? Did I pack warm enough clothes?

I was sitting in the passenger seat of Taehyung’s jeep, I should specify that it was a rental and I should also specify that he had just gotten his international driver’s license so I was a little on edge having him drive since I was normally the one driving. He’d been on tour for the last few months (North America and Europe) and he finally had a short break before he started the Asian leg of the tour, starting with Japan.

We’d had so many brainstorming sessions on kakao and FaceTime about where we should go on a road trip. Both of us love traveling and both of us missed each other like crazy. We’d contemplated backpacking Spain and Italy, renting an RV for a try down route 66 and thought about how scenic a drive through Ireland would be. However, dating a member of the world’s biggest boy band has some disadvantages, such as BigHit agreeing to give us a little vacation but a road trip was absolutely out of the question. It took so much finessing to even let us drive on our own. Luckily, seeing as how I so idiotically quit my job because my boss was the world’s biggest asshole, I had just enough time to find secluded vacation spots. By just enough time I mean when I wasn’t binging Netflix shows, I was looking for dope places Tae and I could go that was company approved. That sounds... much creepier than it is. The goal was to be able to give BigHit a location that was peaceful, scenic, and private for Tae and I but also safe enough for BigHit to know we wouldn’t be mobbed or stabbed.

“Babe?” Tae said looking at me while he reached over and gripped my thigh. I must’ve really looked spacey, he actually looked worried. I put my hand on top of his and looked at him with a smile “Shouldn’t you be used to my daydreaming by now? I recall you saying that’s one of the things you love about me.” He laughed loudly- my favorite sound in the world. “Yes, it’s coming back to me now” Tae said with a hint of sarcasm. He loved my daydreaming and I loved that I could be a complete smartass and he’d think it’s hilarious. That’s probably what happens when you spend your whole adult life and teenage years with friends like Yoongi and Jin.

“GPS says we’ll be there in 10 minutes” he said still gripping my thigh. I’m sorry, but one hand gripping a steering wheel and one hand gripping my thigh was the sexiest sight. His hands were just so veiny and perfect. He had well groomed nails with silver rings on both his pointer and ring fingers. He was dressed down since the drive was 4 hours from the car rental place to our cute little destination. It was as close to a road trip as we could get.

Tae reached to the back seat and handed his backpack to me.

“Babe what is in here!?” I said picking up the backpack dramatically “Please tell me you’re not secretly plotting to run off together!?”

“Would that be the worst thing in the world?” he said as he grabbed my hand and kissed it. There goes those damn butterflies again. “I just remembered I bought more disposable cameras, grab one and take some pictures. You know how much I love capturing memories together”

Disposable cameras was definitely a plural. Looks like he’d ordered at least 10 disposable cameras for this trip. They were kind of becoming our thing, it was cute. We’d either stop at a Walgreens when he’s in the US (visiting me or working) to buy one or we’d order some online. I couldn’t help but smile looking at his backpack. It was filled with all my favorite snacks, hand warmers, the scarf I bought him for a random I love you gift, vitamin c tablets, the cameras, of course, and herbal drinks. Clearly he didn’t want either of us to get sick on this trip so we could enjoy it to the fullest. He’s the most gentle baby ever.

“I’m going to roll down the window for a minute for clearer shots, is that okay with you babe?” Seeing how he put hand warmers, vitamin c tablets, and herbal drinks in the backpack to keep us healthy, I wanted him to recognize that I was being mindful too. The weather in California wasn’t cold by any means but it was definitely cool and with the breeze being more cool than warm, I guess we could get sick. “Oh, a proper photographer now?” He said smirking. “Ugh stop!” I said while I rolled my window down. The sun was going to be setting soon and it was golden hour. Tae always said when he recognizes it’s golden hour he thinks of me because he’s absolutely convinced my skin is made of gold. The orange sky made his tan look so regal along with his defined jaw and cheekbones. His eyes looked so dark and mysterious. My heart always felt so warm when I looked at him as if all the sky during the golden hour was being absorbed into my chest. His features made him look like a prince. Every time I see him I catch myself just staring at him with what I assume is a look of pure and absolute thirst but who knows.

I took a bunch pictures of the Malibu scenery we were driving through. Orange skies, sparkling ocean, mountains that almost looked fake, luscious greenery- I felt like we were in a movie. There’s no way this beauty could be real. Then I turned my attention to the star. I took a few candid, off guard pictures of Tae. He just looked so cute focusing on the road.

“Hey!” I said quickly to get his attention. He did exactly what I wanted and looked at me quickly. Ugh the cutest. He was so used to me always taking pictures of him that he just chuckled and looked back at the road. I took more pictures of him driving, his hand on my lap, selfies of me, out the window shots, and as many basic bitch pictures as you could think of. I used up every shot in that camera. Nine more to go.

The rest of the ride was spent talking about any and everything, eating snacks and listening to the jazz playing softly in the background. He absolutely loved jazz music and it had gotten to a point where jazz music just calmed me down. I even would have it playing every time I took a shower because it immediately made me think of Tae.

We finally made our way to the airstream that was the big vacation spot. I know, it’s kind of weird getting a trailer for a romantic getaway but hear me out. I’m completely ready to be judged but I thought of this place because I’d seen it on Kourtney Kardashian’s Instagram awhile ago and always wanted to go. It was secluded, romantic, and overall, perfect for us. It’s literally on the cliffs in Malibu, almost like you’re on top of the world. You could see mountains and the ocean from here along with beaches and forests. Every direction you looked was the most surreal landscape you could imagine. I couldn’t even handle it.

I took the backpack and our grocery bags (all in one trip because what other way is there to carry groceries) and Tae carried our other bags into the airstream. It was pretty much just one big trailer. One room had a bed, kitchen appliances, and a bookshelf with a bathroom attached. It would feel very claustrophobic had it not been for one of the walls of the airstream doubling as a sliding glass door so you could see the beauty that was California from the comfort of the bed.

I jumped on the bed to access the comfort and audibly gasped, it was so comfortable. I laid on my back and held my arms up with a pout, a clear signal that my bratty ass wanted Tae to come lay on top of me. He knew me too well and without a word, laid in my arms but not before giving me a quick round of kisses all over my face.

“These next three days are going to be magical.” he said whispering into my ear.

He was right. We had yummy food to cook (I was most excited for s’mores, very adult of me, I know), hiking gear, constellation charts for stargazing, swimsuits for late night swims, and each other. Oh, and I brought lingerie because, you know, very adult of me.

[gaysianthirdspace]

Follower Friday: souffle-soul

Follower Fridays is a series of profiles highlighting members of Gaysian Third Space to showcase the diversity of gaysians in the Community. This week’s featured member is @souffle-soul

Who are you?

Hi! I’m Matt, and I use he/him/his. I’m 20 years old, Chinese-American, and so very gay (getting gayer every day). I think of myself as a jack of all trades; my hobbies include acapella, dance, makeup, nail painting, plushie making, cooking, baking, and more! I love trying new things, and I always try my best to be good at what I do.

Where are you from?

I was born and raised in San Jose, California. I’m also temporarily based in New Jersey for school, but I’m planning on returning to the west coast after graduation; I’d like to end up close to the rest of my family, and the allure of good Asian food is also quite difficult to resist.

What do you do?

I’m currently studying Electrical Engineering at Princeton University. On campus, I’m active in an acapella group (VTone) and two dance groups (Triple 8 and Koko Pops), and I believe those all have videos public on Youtube, so you can check those out if you want. I’m also an LGBT peer educator on campus. Over the summer I’m a software engineer intern at Facebook, so I’m back in the bay for the next few months. Looking forward to eating lots of good food and reconnecting with my friends!

What are you passionate about?

I would probably have to say that I’m really passionate about music. The exhilaration that I feel when jamming out to a great tune is indescribable, and when I get really busy, I like to take some time to relax by belting my favorite songs or dancing in an empty dance studio. I’m also particularly passionate about deconstructing and destroying norms of toxic masculinity. I think that toxic masculinity is to some extent at the root of both sexism and anti-LGBTQ sentiment, and furthermore is also harmful to cishet men. At the moment, opposing toxic masculinity for me is expressing non-traditionally-masculine attributes and interests in everyday life, whether it be nails, makeup, or body language, which has made me much happier as a person. Though I’m not sure if things will improve in the short-term, I’m optimistic that over my lifetime our culture may become less strict about gendered expectations.

What is your dream job (real or fantasy)?

When I was young, I wanted to be a marine biologist, because I absolutely love all marine animals (especially the weird ones). I’d browse articles on Wikipedia, and daydream about scuba diving every day or exploring tide pools along the coast. Now that I’m older, I’ve realized that I maybe don’t want to spend my days seasick, but a little part of me still thinks I could’ve made it work.

If you could change the world with one idea, what would it be?

I’d probably want to remind people that a little empathy can go a long way. There may be plenty of people who you can’t see eye to eye with, but I think that it’s still important to have empathy, to be forgiving where forgiveness is earned, and to understand that people have had different experiences than you have. This is not to say that you should keep people who negatively impact your life or livelihood as acquaintances (you probably shouldn’t), but rather that you do not need to believe that someone lacks basic humanity in order to justifiably disagree with them.

[viandnyl]

#001-Jerome Thomas

Jerome Thomas Singer/Track maker

Based in London

Genre:Soul/Jazz/R&B

Instagram:@jeromethomasfoe

Q: Can you describe the city the you live in and also based in.

London has different cultures and so it’s like where you find all kinds of cultures mixed in together.

Q:What kind of culture is common there?

 I can’t think of anything particular but the black culture is always influential. You will find all kinds of cultures in London. Asian East Asian is also all kind of there.

Q:What kind of music if popular now in London?

Thats kind of a hard question for me to answer because I don’t really listen to popular music. I stick to music I like and what is popular over there I don’t now.

Q:What made you start playing music?

So music was playing in the house all the time and I would sing along to songs and I picked it up on the way and it kind of stuck to me naturally developed my talent by just listening to my favorite artists really.

Q:So was your parents also doing music?

No. Well My uncle he used to rap.

Q: So do you think he’s your mentor? Or do you have otherspecial mentor?

I don’t really have a mentor.

Q: Why do you think so?

There just hasn’t been anybody and I work private anyways so there’s not many people who would get that close to me to be a mentor.

Q:When you want to quit music and stop how do you deal with those negative thoughts?

I like to work alone so it’s just me kinda in the studio and I’ll play the song and I will freestyle the first idea and pick the parts I like.

Q:What kind of music are you creating now?

I’m doing a little bit of everything right now but it’s all based soul. Soul is the core.

Q:So your making music everyday?

I’m doing music pretty much everyday not making music everyday.

Q:Was there anything challenging making music lately?

 I’m always push myself to be not making the same thing as before or at least try to elevate it. Working on beats on I wouldn’t usually work with just to test if the vocals will sound like something I’ve never made before so I’m constantly trying to try myself to make new types of songs.

Q:Where do you get your inspiration for your music?

Life experience like stuff that goes on in my life and my friends life. I try to draw inspiration from that.

S. Experience for example like with friends or going somewhere?

A. Like love and relationships and mental health and just life experience. So I draw inspiration from what’s been going on and what is going on.

Q:What kind of music are you interested in recently.

At the moment it’s soul, jazz, funk.

Q:How do you usually listen to music? Like in the car room headphones..

 I use my headphones when I go out but it’s mostly on big speakers like in the house and in the studio.

Q: What is your speaker brand?

A. I don’t own them but Bose.

Q:Do you have any favorite fashion brand.

 I wish I did but I don’t know the names of the brands I just like cloth that look good on my body. I’m not to focused on brands so I tend to work with independent brands there is like a brand called cherished? And there’s also a brand I’m working with called beartold? I’m doing a shoot for a magazine and this brand is providing the cloth for the shoot so yhea there independent. There’s also a brand called cheefah and this is Fred.

Q:what is your personality that hasn’t changed from your childhood?

That’s a good question. I’m still pretty much in my own world like I’m a daydreamer.

Q:What kind of things did you imagine when you were a child?

Well I didn’t have any siblings growing up so I grow up as the only child so I was used to playing by myself and be creative and learning have to have fun by myself. So I don’t really need people around me to enjoy things.

Q:Do you have any social issues you pay to attention recently. It could be world wide things or smaller community stories.

Well I think that for the black community we still have a long way to be treated as equals in this society so that’s the most important thing for me.

Q:Do you have any plans of any new releases?

We’re trying to get a new release out this year. The next ep out.

【RECOMMENDED TUNES】

Tamera - Wickedest I just love the mood it puts me in, it’s a nice mix of rnb and Afrobeats

Radiant children - Mind Control I’ve been trying to tell myself positive affirmations to help with my self confidence and inner dialogue, this song is basically a mantra

Alex Isley - Still Care Speaks to the situation I’ve been going through for the past year and a half

Morgan lorelle - photographer 

Ramario Chevoy - stylist Christopher 

cargill - editor

*This interview was conducted on VI/NYL #001, which published on Sep.28th, 2021. *All photos are courtesy of the artists.

■VI/NYL

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[helpingmehelpmyself]

Things I Used to Enjoy- March 29, 2021

Gosh, I have so many things going through my head. I miss the days I was able to daydream, read fanfiction, and watch television. I remember the day would go by and I would question where the time went. But it felt like self care to me then and I enjoyed it. Now it feels like a useless distraction that no longer serves its purpose. 

I want to enjoy the things I used to enjoy. I love fanfiction (particularly, Teen Wolf sterek fanfiction. I can also ship steter, starrish, and stackson. I believe they can all compliment Stiles well). I would squeel while reading and get excited every time I found a new fanfiction that fits my criteria. Sometimes I have good days in which I can read fanfiction and fall into the story.

I used to love daydreaming. My imagination is basically a fanfiction with ten or so fandoms running around with some cannon and non-cannon storylines. I liked falling asleep to my daydreams or staring at the wall while I daydreamed. I considered writing my daydreams down and turning them into a fanfiction for Ao3, but part of it feels personal. This is a world I have written and rewritten so many times since I was... 16, maybe? It’s easier to rewrite or follow through a storyline in my head than it is to write it down and focus on details that I never really focused on before. If your curious, my daydream fanfictions include the following fandoms: Teen Wolf, Scandal, Glee, Twilight, The Gentlemen, and Crazy Rich Asians. Occasionally, Beyonce’s Homecoming special and other things will make an appearance. I include most characters from these programs and create some OC’s in my head that have nothing to do with the other fandoms. Sometimes I’ll pluck someone from another place, like Carrie from Sex & The City but combine her with Isabel from Glee and mix up her storyline, or create a character with the appearance of a famous actor, like the original Mr. Fantastic actor.

I loved music. I could listen to music all day and enjoy myself. Sometimes it was the soundtrack to my imagination or I’d have some of my characters sing the songs I was listening to. I would listen to the same songs on repeat and create scenes with them and sometimes I’ll be able to add new music to the mix. If I wanted to listen to an album, I’d sit/lay down in my room and focus on nothing but the album. If there was an artist I liked and wanted to explore more of, I would go through their entire Spotify history and listen to every song at least once. I’d add it to my Liked Songs playlist because I am crap at creating playlists (minus the Boudoir playlist I made last year for my photoshoot, but that’s another story). Almost every song I have ever liked is on my Liked Songs. I think I have over a thousand songs on there, which is pretty decent. I kind of know where every song is located when it’s organized by Recently Added. Minus screamo, heavy metal, gangsta rap, underground music or electronic music, I listened to a little of everything. I loved Glee, Hamilton, Meg the Stalion, Kendrick Lamarr, the Civil Wars, early Taylor Swift, American Authors, Secondhand Serenade, G-Eazy, Mulatto, Into the Heights, Moana, Victorious, I could go on. Every song plays a part of my history and I love expanding it.

I can’t really do those things the same anymore and I wish I could. Writing fanfiction sounds like it could be a possibility for me because most of my life, I wanted to be a writer or be an editor. The fear of financial security made me switch to a business major and it didn’t make things any easier I find. I guess more approving nods from other adults about my choice in degree was a plus.

I can’t focus on my own daydreams anymore. It used to give me so much joy but it also reflected my emotions: horny, sad, in love, etc. The fact that I was able to create worlds that don’t exist to anyone but me made me happy. Sometimes when I wanted to be closer to God, I’d even deepen the relationship of some of my characters with God. 

Music doesn’t sound the same anymore. I can’t focus to the point of slipping into happiness often.

I did have a good day the day before yesterday. I decided that maybe listening to the song that always lifted my spirits in the past, whether they needed lifting or not, would help. My song is “Do You Believe in Magic” by Aly & AJ. I don’t know what it is about that song but when I first heard it on Disney Channel when I was little for the movie, Now You See It. Something about that song was and still is special. I was able to sing horribly to the song. I was watching Freaky Friday that day and remembered how much Ultimate by Lindsey Lohan rocked. I was able to listen to that song and daydream a totally new scenario for my mental fanfiction characters. There was so much happiness and positivity in the scene.

That same day, when night fell, I felt so sad I made myself sick and was gagging in the toilet. I convinced myself not to make myself throw up because I don’t want that to become a habit. I don’t want to mentally make myself sick and think that throwing up every time will fix me. I felt like shit for hours later, but I was glad that I didn’t throw up. I knew I was in a bad enough position that I needed company. 2/3 of my best friends and one of their boyfriends showed up at my place, late at night and stayed with me for hours. We’d talk about the issues that were plaguing my mind and about 2 of them moving into a new apartment together. 

I went back and forth from lying in the bathroom and lying in my bed. I don’t know why but whenever I was sick growing up, laying on the bathroom floor made me feel better. I know it is unsanitary and gross, but you get to a point that you don’t care. The bathroom has always felt safe for me. I still remember the first time I did it. My mom, brother, and I lived in an apartment about 20-30 minutes away from where we live now. I was getting ready for school one day and I guess I didn’t feel good. I laid down on the bathroom floor and that’s how my mom found me. She knew that this little 5 or 6 year old that never complained about school wasn’t faking anything. I think after that point, my mom became pretty trusting of me whenever I said I can’t go to school. Whether I was physically sick or needed a mental health day, she let it happen. I didn’t practice this often until I was junior high and high school, but it helped knowing my mom would let me take care of myself however I saw fit. I think she also didn’t want to have to keep taking off of work to pick me up from school.

The issues that brought me to tears were my boyfriend, the love of my life. I have only dated one boy before him. That was back in high school and I liked that I had a boyfriend more than I actually liked my boyfriend. We had been friends for years and were in speech and debate together. I asked him to my prom and, due to a misunderstanding, he never replied. When we realized the misunderstanding, he asked me to his prom (We went to two different schools) which was fun. It was at a country club, his parents had dinner catered to their house for us (very successful accountants) and we got some cute pictures from that night. I found myself bored with the relationship and knew ending it wouldn’t affect my quality of life within that moment. So I did. Now he is happily out as gay with his partner of 3 years and starting Harvard Law in the fall. I kind of like that fact and it made it easier to be friends with him on Facebook and Instagram again.

But back to my current boyfriend, the boy I didn’t think that I would fall for. To make our love story short (I’ll probably go into more in another post), we met on Tinder 2.5 years ago when the guy I was talking to/dating previously decided to go back to his toxic/abusive ex-girlfriend. I was talking to my soon-to-be boyfriend and another guy at the time and my boyfriend was the one that lasted. I remember that I would message every Tinder match with “Aye” because everyone wants the other person to start the conversation or else there won’t be a conversation. He responded with “I love your smile. It’s so positive” and that was my downward spiral. We’re pretty good at communication and we are a good match for each other. We both come from mostly different backgrounds, racially and socially. Sometimes there are things about me he’ll never understand, but making strong friends with people who weren’t racially the same as me kind of prepared me for that. 

Anyways, he wants to be a doctor of osteopathic medicine (still don’t know what that is) and go to med school for it a year after our undergrad. I don’t plan on starting grad school right now because I am not fully sure what I want to do with my career just yet. I’m not going to put myself in more debt or spend more time in school without a reason. Anyways, not many medical schools in our state offer the certification he’d need so he’s even looking at schools out of state. I have always wanted to go with him and support him through it while I start my career, but as that time draws closer, I find myself unsure of myself.

I need a lot of attention and am very sociable. I know when he goes to med school, he won’t be able to give me as much attention and he can’t really be faulted for that. It probably won’t get any easier once he does his residency and beyond. Despite being sociable, I have created a support network of my family and friends (we’ve been together for like 10 years). It’s to a point that I can socialize with other people with the idea that they are going to be acquaintances or somewhat distant friends. I usually know what kind of friend I want people to be before or during meeting them. But my dependency on my support network is so... strong that it kind of messed up a very big job opportunity for me a few years ago. I am afraid of having to make new connections again once we move away. Regardless if he choses a school in our state or not, we’d have to move. I don’t want him to be my only social connection, but am also afraid of making new ones. 

I made a list of all the things that scared me with possible solutions in which moving away with him was on it. I wrote that I would try to connect with coworkers (I can’t imagine and kind of don’t want to be best friends with a coworker. You never know when play ends and work begins) and neighbors. I don’t even talk to my neighbors now. I thought I could bake my famous browned butter salted chocolate chip cookies and share them with people, hoping that it would be the start of something. I’ve picked up random conversations with random people before so hopefully I can still do that (I stopped the whole “don’t talk to strangers” thing when I was like 19). 

These solutions made sense to me and I hoped that by writing it down, I could move on with my life. That wasn’t the case. I became so focused on would by current boyfriend be able to meet my needs in the future and whether I’d be strong enough to let him go if it was impossible. I found myself loving him more than I loved myself and make decisions on bettering myself for him. Covid Vaccine? For him. Finding a good job? For him. I don’t want to love someone else more than I love myself. I don’t want these decisions to be based on another person. I want to chose what is right for me for me and not someone else.  

I wasn’t this way before my boyfriend. I actually avoided being in a relationship for a few years because I didn’t think I’d enter one for the right reason. Usually, I put myself and my happiness first. When I decided I was ready to care for another person, my boyfriend wasn’t the first guy I chose. I didn’t know he’d become the love of my life. I didn’t know that we’d want the same exact thing from our relationship and have active, open communication about or wants and needs from the other person. I craved his attention, always wanted to be around him, and didn’t even stop talking about him our first year together. I am better now, but he still finds way into my conversations because he’s what makes me happy. 

I’m not upset that I love him. I wouldn’t take that back. I just wish that I was enough for myself again in which I could make decisions for me and stand by them. I want to create the life I want and I want him a part of it. But if that’s not God’s Plan, can I let go of him? In all honesty, I’d rather be miserable with him with occasional happiness than miserable without him. Maybe that’s too strong of a statement so don’t take that at full face value.

I want to be able to figure this out while we are still together, but mentally I keep thinking I have a time frame to “fix myself”. At the same time, I know I don’t because I know mental health doesn’t work that way. I have the ability to take the time I need to take care of myself again which I am grateful for. It’s like having an adult and child in my mind. The child is crying all of my fears and anxieties while the adult is trying to calm them down with reasoning. I am thankful that I am at least this aware of my mental state. I can understand when something is anxiety or depression, name it, and although I am stuck with it, I try not to fall too deep in it.  

I still have hope things will get better and I won’t always feel this way. Hope and faith is all I have some days and that’s okay. I am one day closer to being the me I want to be.

[apples-and-bananas]

India

It was just another one of those generic days I had in my life, but it’s my favorite part of the day so I drift off to sleep and forget all that’s happening with the world for a while. It hasn’t been long, but I was suddenly awake and oddly in a vast forest, my anxiousness is driving me crazy by now, I’m frantic and I don’t know what to do, but before I can even attempt something, my arms are growing feather out of the blue, and my lips are turning into a beak, and I’m covered with more feathers and the next thing I know I’m flying. As I was wandering I got caught in a trap, I was caged. Another bird came whom it’s the first time I saw but strangely very familiar. He was encouraging me to get out but a voice inside is dictating me that says I should tell him to come to me instead. But, he also does not want to compromise. He faced me saying things I haven’t heard before, if I was in my human form I would probably swoon but the bird that I am right now is just so persistent with her belief that I can’t even meddle with her decisions. So as I watch the bird flew away from my sight, into the vast sky, there’s this unconscious feeling as if my heart is getting stabbed. I am hurt, I want to do something to ease the pain, but I’m in no control. I was just about to catch myself and allow myself to breathe, but I was panting this time, and tears were still streaming down my face. I think to myself, “How much caffeine did I took today because I’m definitely going crazy.” I’m alone, but I feel enslaved. It’s like my heart is somewhere else, waiting to be picked up by someone I can call my own. I stretched my arms and realized that, I may be back in human form, but not in my body, this woman is basically a goddess with these long arms and legs. As I sat there, staring at my reflection, admiring all the physical features that this woman has, someone called out, “Sita!” The automatic head turn that I made proved to me that it’s this woman’s name. There stood a man with equal goddess feature as she has, I may be delusional right now, but I can guarantee he’s coming my way (running even), and before I could even do or say anything I am enveloped in his strong arms. The warmth is so welcoming as if I’m home, the cozy feeling makes me dreamy and I would definitely trade anything in exchange for this hug. He looked at my face while saying something I didn’t understand, but it made my heart flutter with joy and content. The interesting part is I responded with the same language. We smiled at each other and can’t bear to have the distance between us anymore so he cupped my face, caressed my cheek and slowly closing the space that’s separating us, he’s about to kiss me when… I was all of the sudden awake and conscious.

China

It’s been a week since that odd dream occurred, which is also very detailed and feels so true that it’s hard to fathom whether it was a dream or did it really happen in real life. As much as I would not like to admit to myself, there’s this huge part of me that just wants to experience it all over again. I am a daydreamer, so imagining things would be easy if I’m conscious, but sadly, I don’t have any control over my real dreams, those that occur in the deepest depth of my slumber. Strange as it is, I kind of feel bothered this day as if something’s bound to happen, and then there it is. As I was drifting off to sleep there was an instant snap of enlightenment, and as I get to sleep longer and deeper, I opened my eyes again to be greeted by an old man who has a warm presence, smile that make you respect him, and eyes that make you trust him. My premonition was right, something’s happening indeed, and it’s not that overwhelming this time, it’s just oddly familiar. I smiled back at him and ask him where we are and he said, “Impossible as it may, only you can tell where we really are.” You know that typical voice of wise old people? His voice is like that, it’s a carbon copy of those stereotypical voices. Cliché as it is, he really sound and look like an Asian God right now, and I don’t mean it in a racist type of way it’s just that I feel like I can be vulnerable around him without worrying that he may judge me or reprimand me because he understands that I am not flawless, that I’m just perfectly flawed like anybody else. Just like that, as if reading my mind, he told me, “I know that life can get pretty rough, fatal even. It’s not an easy path, many have attempted to fulfill their shortcomings only to be flooded by tons of criticisms and hatred which leaves them doubtful of themselves, but always remember, being aware of one’s self is the power that nobody can destroy because if you know your capabilities and weaknesses, that will be the time that acceptance will come to your way and makes you a better individual, not for others, but for yourself.” I feel like I’m being thrown with first-hand kind of lectures from experiences right now, but regardless of that, every word that he said is actually true, and I am honestly considering it because it seems worthy. I shoot my shot again of clarifying my current situation by asking him who he is and he responded with, “They call me Confucius.” Just like that I was awake again, without even having the chance to reply to him and ask, “SO YOU’RE THE CONFUCIUS!?”

Japan

By this time, I’m already thinking that I may just be a delusional and obsessed literary freak, but who can blame me? I am just so eager to play a role that I even forgot my responsibilities in real life. I’m just so tired of everything, and I honestly would like a break that would set me free from any inhibitions that I have for myself. But, that would be too much to ask right? However, I’ve been reading about lucid dreaming lately and I would like to try it. I’ve been thinking about a scene of going to Japan and as soon as I set foot there, it would become the land that history books describe it to be, and I would be in a classic and traditional Japanese community. All of a sudden, the place was swarmed with many people, the ones peaceful streets were now full of people. The strange thing is, people seem to not notice me and I didn’t know what was happening until they continuously get pass through me, and an absurd thing came to my mind, that maybe I’m a ghost because that’s how movies describe them to be right? They are not seen by the naked eye. So, to test my theory, I blew on one person’s ear and he looked at his shoulder to see if someone’s there, but he still doesn’t see me because he just shrugged it off as if it’s just a strong wind. I traveled aimlessly and can’t interact with a single alive soul because I’m apparently a ghost. I came across this one village that seemed gloomy and has an unusual number of young villagers without old people. However, I saw this one man who looks bothered, and with curiosity, I followed him to his home and there I found out why. He was hiding her old mother in her house although I’m still not sure why he’s doing that, but I could tell that his love for his mother is overwhelming that he could take any consequences that may happen just to keep her by his side. Even if I’m just a soul in this particular place, I can still feel the surge of empathy for the both of them because I have a weak spot for circumstances that involves parents and their sacrifices. I was about to do something when I was teleported in this hot place that looks like a volcano which seems ready to erupt anytime. I see this terrible site of people suffering from their own sins, unable to quench their thirst because of their own pride, and drowning from their own desires. I am a terrible person, but I feel like I don’t deserve to be here. I am now questioning myself because this may not be a dream anymore, maybe I’m really meant to be damned either dead or alive, but I feel this human emotion within me, the need to escape and leave this place. A man was climbing through a thin rope and the others followed, I just stood there frozen and hesitant of doing anything. The man leading seem to look furious and you can see the eagerness in his eyes, he cut the rope and everybody else fell, soon enough, he is also falling. I was sucked in a brighter yet calmer environment, no screams and crying were heard in the background, the air smells nice, and then a voice spoke and said, “Greediness is why we fail, patience create a decision that changes our fate. I woke up and said, “Being clueless is much different from being patient.”

Egypt

I stumbled upon pieces of writing yesterday which were blatantly dull yet oddly enchanting, I wouldn’t be surprised if I would be inside this thing any minute now because I’m bound to sleep, and just as quickly, I am in a sort of desert location with a strange Egyptian type of music playing in the background. My game is way too strong with these dreams now, and I’m not going to lie, I’m really growing fond of it. Desert as it is, the place looks deserted, I don’t see people, and all I see are tall pyramids and endless grains of sand. As if somebody heard my unspoken thoughts, people started appearing in lines, carrying things, entering the pyramids. I don’t know why I’m even wondering how things go for my dreams because basically, it is controlled by my own thoughts so it would be connected somehow, so I should stop being shocked how events would turn out just as I question them. I followed these people inside an enclosed place with tombs and there were bodies in the shelves which are already wrapped. I saw bodies, dead bodies lying on the ground. I’m the only one who stood there and found this situation very mortifyingly new to me, but the people were acting as if it’s just a normal thing they do. They were doing some rituals and started plastering the body with I don’t know what that material is but it seems like I’m witnessing the process of mummification, and since I can’t handle the reek of unpleasant smell anymore, I went out and was greeted by a strong swoop of wind with sand that just slaps and sticks on your face. My eyes were caught by engraved drawings that you typically see in history books that tells about Egypt. There were texts too, but nothing that I could understand until I saw two English words, and it says, “Wake up.” I touched it and I was sucked in reality, my alarms going off and I am incredibly late. Wonderful.

Israel

If anything of the things I say really do matter, I think I would explain that religion is a necessary fiction that humanity needs to stay humane and not rip and eat each other’s head off. But, the thing is, I’m not the most religious person in the world, however that does not disqualify or invalidate me from having opinions regarding this matter, and the only point I’m trying to prove here is that, people created this system in order to preserve sanity because it unites us. Having faith to whomever divine entity is present surely empowers us, but wait until everyone realizes the fact that we’re not patronizing these Gods and Goddesses, instead, we’re patronizing ourselves because the only reason why we keep coming back and holding on to this prospect is because it makes us feel positive emotions that supposedly inspires us to be a better person, if not, what may be the greatest reason there is.

It’s 3 in the morning, and I just finished my essay regarding religion and trust me if I say it’s much more exhausting that it should be because I need to choose my words carefully in order to make a point and at the same time be responsible on not offending anybody (including my professor who will check and read it and is obviously pious.) Now, I’ve been having a hunch about having a dream about this, so I got up and drank a glass of water and went under my covers, and my fingers acted upon themselves and did the sign of the cross, well habits never dies I guess even if I’m the least faithful person I know. I have arrived at my dream’s destination and as I thought, I was in the Jewish community. As I was going down to the stairs an old woman approached me and said, “My dear, isn’t it time that I try to find a husband for you, and get you happily married again? The man I’m thinking of is Boaz!” The mention of his name made my heart warm, but not warm enough to make me marry him, however, a voice in my head keep on saying things about God’s will and everything which is incredibly absurd I just can’t take much of it anymore. This Boaz came to me and ask me who I was and said I was Ruth and without further control of my speech, I uttered, “Make me your wife according to God’s law, for you are my close relative.” I don’t know what I would make about myself anymore, I’m throwing myself to this man, whom I barely know, but I felt helpless about the situation because I cannot fight over the will of God. The closest relative to my dead husband is supposedly buying the land and I am really shocked with the next thing that Boaz said, “Your purchase of the land from Naomi requires your marriage to Ruth, so that she can have children to carry on her husband’s name and to inherit the land.” I am really powerless as a woman, I felt sorry for the woman who had to go through such thing, they are sold with a piece of land or whatever property, it’s miserable. I struggled to detach myself from that dream, so I slapped my face really hard, and when I woke up I said, “Woman, when will you be free?”

Iran

Remember when I said religion unites us? Well, it has its contradiction when we believe in different things and Gods per se, but don’t get me wrong, I think we really do have a choice on the things that we want to believe in, it’s just a matter of acceptance that not everyone is like you, that not everyone believe the things you believe in and thinks the way you do, we just have to respect that. But, who are we kidding? People don’t just give up without a fight, see where we are right now, divided because of our different faiths, but we call ourselves faithful, how ironic. I have read Omar Khayyam’s Rubaiyat, and it incredibly made so much sense, I was just wondering how the world would be if we just appreciate each other like this, see, I’m Christian but I find sensible things to this literary piece because I can see what he’s talking about, the problem is that we’re so prideful of ourselves that we don’t even want to back down, we don’t know how to accept our flaws and we don’t want to be criticized. I am here in the library having a debate with my thoughts and just thinking of possibilities that better decisions would make. We all know how mood in the library can get and I’m really sleepy right now, so I took a nap, and we all know what’s next. I am in a market and I am definitely sure I’m in an Islamic country (I’m quite stereotypical). I entered a stall and a man was sitting there, he asked me to sit, so I did. He was lecturing me about the Qur’an and I don’t know why I suddenly had the urge to say, “Oh I’m sorry, I’m Christian, you can’t convince me to believe THIS.” I swear I could just smack my head right then and there, but he just smiled at me and said, “I never ask or persuade you to convert my child, I was just sharing what I believe in and hope you would do the same in return, so we could understand each other better. I am aware of my flaws, and I know I can sound provoking sometimes, but I understand you, I hope I can get the same in return.” I look really stupid right now, and all I could say is sorry and he replied with, “Forgiveness is easy if it’s meant by the heart, and I forgive you, now it’s time to forgive yourself.” I just stared at him until I gained consciousness, damn, I’m really dumb as a rock.

Saudi Arabia

I am really exhausted right now, this week has been really hectic, partnered by my procrastination, and well everything is just a plain mess. I slept without even taking a shower because I am that tired, only to find myself in a desert once again. There’s this little girl who is as bright as a sunshine and you can see it from a far distance. When she was finally alone, I approached her and she immediately greeted me with a huge smile on her face and even hugged me, stranger-danger isn’t a thing with this girl apparently. She asked me where I’m from, but I don’t know what to say, and there’s this silly voice in my head saying I should ask her that instead because she’s basically in my dreams, so I just answered with, “I came from a very far place.” She’s now giggling and asking me to tell stories of the place I am from, so I’m just wondering whether or not to tell her about phones and other weird stuff we have right now. I was in the middle of telling her about Dory finding her parents when I was cut-off as a man came to tell that this great sheik Ben Nedi will visit their tribe the next day. I was with this little girl the whole time now I found out that her name is Zuleika, and I sat with her as she was crying and told me that she had no gift to give the great man who would come the next day. We were both shocked when a fairy came out from the well and told her that her gift for Ben Nedi will arrive tomorrow, so she should stop crying. We were both anticipating and when we went back to that area, a tall tree grew which was straight and bare except the top, where it carried a tuft of branching leaves and a cluster of brownish fruit. Ben Nedi exclaimed that it is the greatest gift of all, and I guess this was kind of a legend for palm dates.

Africa

Colorism, racism and everything in its context is just so childish in my opinion. We are all different in so many aspects and finding it absurd makes you look idiotic, no lies. The reason why I’m saying this is because I saw a video of a crusty white man mocking a beautiful man who had dark chocolate skin calling him ugly because of his color. Some people are just so stupid and immature who don’t even know their places, I mean we’re all human beings the last time I checked, so why are you so pressed about someone’s color? I was just about to rant and tweet things, but an old man with big beautiful afro curls and dark skin approached me and ask if I could accompany him finding a place and since I know where that is I said okay. I gladly accepted because why not, I really have a soft heart for older people. While we were walking he asked me why did I agreed so easily without even a moment of hesitation, and I replied with, “Because you need my help.” And I smiled at him while he smiled in return. He asked me a question again but this time it is more skeptical, he said, “Weren’t you bothered of the color of my skin? You see, I had quite a lot of rejections and such because of this.” And I said, “Black, white, or brown, everybody looks the same to me, not that I’m colorblind, but my point is, everyone needs to be treated fairly, no dominating over the other everyone should be the same.” And then lastly he said, “You are a very kind individual, now, wake up and be the person I met here. Bless you.” I looked up and I see the library, well I guess I have slept again, this just explains how I love being asleep.

[gapimnydiaries]

Diary Entry #19

Dear Diary,

As summer and Pride approach in Seattle, the sun makes me feel more social and happy. At the same time, I am anxious for what else awaits me in life. When I came out in December of 2014, I wasn’t sure what I would find by downloading my first app, Jack’d. I have been out for 3 years and there is still so much out there I have to experience. During times like these, I can’t help but reflect on life.

Perhaps I was an exception, but I never felt that there was a lack of Asian male roles models in my life. I never had to look to media because my father was my male role model. While he was not the most educated man, he somehow had a confidence that didn’t come solely from his physical prowess as a Taekwondo master. He let his actions speak for themselves and his self-assurance was always something I wanted to emulate.

Growing up I was constantly told by many that I looked identical to my father. As much as I hated it, I was a timid person who was discouraged easily. I never had confidence like my parents, but in some small way I hoped that one day I could be as respectable as them. I wanted to be like my parents and wished I could be someone with some worth. Maybe I could inherit my parents’ characteristics.

It was roughly during middle school when I discovered my sexuality. I was curious why I didn’t have the same urges as my peers. Many of my classmates began ‘dating’ and expressed interests towards each other. Out of paranoia I kept myself at a distance from others. It wasn’t uncommon for me to be targeted because of my meekness. When I learned this part of myself that was ‘different’ I repressed myself further.

I was lonely at school, but I wasn’t as depressed because I had my family. Even if school life wasn’t perfect I tolerated it till my father was diagnosed with cancer on my 12th birthday. Seeing the man who was in my eyes a symbol of strength and respect reduced to vomiting his meals, I felt only insecurity and anxiety. I resorted to food to find some kind of comfort. My mother tried her best to support both my father and me. Till this day I am not sure how she managed so well.

After facing betrayal from family and church after my father’s passing, my trust in humanity disappeared. Teachers and students made fun of my Korean/Asian heritage or my weight. Some of my family tried to gain money from my widowed mother. Being ridiculed at school by students and teachers and then coming home to an emptier household, I lost interest in life.

Looking to church for guidance, I desperately searched for answers. I tried to find comfort from a place that preached about kindred love and spiritual fulfillment. Yet all I found in return was hypocrisy and backstabbing. Many didn’t practice what they preach. Students who supposedly valued Christianity skipped out on bible study. Adults used their faith as a scapegoat for their actions. People who I entrusted personal thoughts with, spread them around as common gossip. I was afraid that people would find about my sexuality and use it against my mother and me.

I lost the rest of my self-esteem after believing in the Church’s stance on homosexuality. I wanted to change my attraction, but I knew I couldn’t. I felt that my life was pointless and that I would be doomed to an afterlife of only misery. For the longest time, I was not truly existing.

◆◆◆

At some point, I decided to go into the world of ‘dating’ apps. Looking back on it I had no real reason beyond curiosity. It was a decision I made on a whim.

When I came out I was invited to come to a house party. I had just downloaded the app and I had no real exposure to the world. At first it was kind of intimidating to be surrounded by so many gay Asians. I was in a new setting that I thought didn’t exist. Despite my awkwardness, I was meeting up with them quite frequently each weekend. Yet each time I found myself slowly integrating with wonderful company. Before I had trouble making genuine connections with others. Maybe it was because I wasn’t truly honest with myself and thought people couldn’t accept the real me.

I am not sure what it was about me that they approved of, but they gradually helped me learn more about myself and the world. Before I always doubted that others would want to spend time or get to know me. Yet these new friends had something genuine about them. For the first time, I was having fun but also more open with who I was to others. Instead of merely existing, I was looking forward to new events and adventures.

I used to stay at home alone drowning all my time on the Internet for distraction. Be it my anxiety or inferiority complex, I couldn’t bring myself to be more expressive around others. Yet here I was enjoying the company of good people-each person having something about them truly admirable, be it in career success, morals, the way they carry themselves or genuineness. I was privileged to be in the company of such great people. I may not know everything that they have endured, but they couldn’t have had lives without challenges. Yet here they were as stronger individuals with not only great personalities but also an appreciation for life that was infectious.

I felt myself becoming uplifted and enjoying the moment being around them. I began taking better care of myself along with an improved mentality. I was eating healthier, exercising and more importantly sharing great moments with good people. Slowly but surely my self-esteem and wonder for life was coming back. What seemed like an impossibility before, was now gradually becoming habitual. I began making genuine friendships that I know will be lifelong and enriching. I felt a worth in myself that I hadn’t felt since my childhood. For the first time I felt attractive.

Even though my mother had a hard time accepting I was gay, she saw a change in me that she hadn’t seen before. Now she humorously asks me about my dating life occasionally. As strange as it is, I’m fortunate that I have a supportive mother, even though our relationship is like a cliché straight woman and gay male friendship. I was blinded by own cynical view and assumed I would lose my family if I came out. Yet now they see a different side to me that allowed us to reconnect with each other.

It was then I learned that people truly can surprise you. Nothing is ever absolute. I was almost at a point of abandoning humanity as a melancholy misanthrope. Yes, there are tendencies and suspicions that some people will not respect you for whatever reason. There are also good people and you never know how much a person can surprise you. There may be a lot of pain along the way, but finding those few good moments make it worth the journey.

Pride does mean accepting and loving an aspect of myself that I struggled with before. More importantly, it celebrates all the moments that led me to where I am now. I used to wish for things to be different. I wanted to be what I considered ‘normal’ and I daydreamed about an easier life.

However, I would not be the person I am today without all those moments. I wouldn’t have been able to meet the good people in my life who helped me become a different person. I cannot change what I have experienced nor can I erase the people that have hurt me. However, I can change how I let those events mold me.

I have a choice to be better because of or in spite of what life gives me. And I choose to take pride in my life. In that sense, I’m starting to build my own confidence like my parents. It might not be the same as theirs, but it is my own. I’m proud of it, just like how I’m proud of being a gay Korean.

Eric Yom

--

This diary entry marks the launch of GAPIMNY's three-month arc of programming that focuses on Navigating Our Cultural Identities. This arc of programming aims to enhance our pride in our cultural identities while resisting ideologies that negatively affect our communities. Please subscribe to our weekly newsletter for details on upcoming events.

[tanuki-kimono]

Japanese folk tales #42 - Inky Mane

Find my tales tagged here or visit my blog for both english and french versions.

Wish me to cover a special youkai or subject? Contact me, I’ll try to accommodate ^^❤️

Once upon a time, there was a quiet temple who stood tall upon serene hills and golden paddies. Well loved by local farmers, its monks were simple people, quite pious and hard to the task.

Among them, lived a boy named Hachiro. It was a very small child, always daydreaming, who had been given to the temple by his poor parents.

As every young boy, Hachiro had little interest for daily prayers,boring lectures and long meditations. In fact, he had only one true passion: he loved to paint.

Under his nimble fingers, ink would cloud over white paper, turning into misty mountains and joyful streams, delicate birds and cheeky butterflies.

A far-away look in his eyes, Hachiro would often doze during sutra recitations, dreaming of all the fantastic beasts and far away lands he could sketch. Seniors monks were men far more down to earth and they would scold:

– Pay attention Hachiro! Or we will take away your brushes!

One day though, the boy fell asleep for good in the prayer room. The head monk sighted and roughly roused him:

– Enough is enough, I now forbid you to paint. Hand me your brushes! I’ll keep them with me until you are able to fulfill your chores.

Hachiro started to cry but the old monk was unwavering. And all was said and done.

Late that night, the child opened wide eyes: the most perfect pictures had crossed his mind and his fingers ached to set it down on paper.

Hachiro turned and turned on his futon but the picture refused to left his head: he had to paint it. Quiet as a mouse, he got up and crossed the sleeping temple.

In the study, Hachiro lighted a lamp, and took a sheet of paper and an inkstone. The only thing left to find was a brush. The boy sighted, missing his dearly. Suddenly, he had an idea.

Silent as a shadow, he went to the garden and took a straight stick. Then, with a sharp knife, he cut some of his hair. In moments, his skilfull hands turned those into a makeshift brush.

The boy smiled brightly: now he would be able to paint. He sat before the paper sheet and let his mind ran free. His hand seemed to move with its own will, ink flowing over the paper in supple lines.

Layers after layers, a prancing foal appeared. The young animal bounced on light hooves, its inky mane carried invisible wind billowing madly around its head.

Hachiro was overjoyed: this painting was by far the best he had ever made.

Dawn was nearly here. Down the corridor, monks were starting the awaken. Hastily, the boy tidied up his supply.

– The head monk will be so furious if he finds out I’ve disobeyed!

Pacing, the boy finally decided to tuck the painted foal in his kimono. And he went on with his day as if nothing had happened.

Yet, later on in the afternoon, a booming voice disturbed the tranquil temple grounds. Standing in the courtyard, stood a troubled farmer, all cold sweat and trembling legs. Falling on his knees, he cried:

– Revered monks, something strange happened to the fields! Our rice ears were ripe and gold, ready to give us a beautiful harvest. But this morning, we’ve found them all wrecked!

Surprised, the monks all rose as one man and soon, the whole temple was out by the paddies, inspecting the spoiled crops. One grunted:

– This was not made by a man but a beast. We cannot let such a thing roams free. Whatever it is we have to catch it!

Nodding, farmers and monks quickly built hunting huts out in the fields, hidden under fresh herbs and straw. And the watch began. The afternoon sun set and the moon rose lazily in the sky. Nothing moved but the silvery ears of rice gently dancing in the wind.

Suddenly, one hunter shushed his companions: in the distance, a soft thundering sound could be heard. Holding their breaths, the men all crouched down, ready to pounce.

A single foal had appeared from thin air. It was a graceful animal, with a coat soft as a cloud, hooves shining like the moon, and a mane dark as night. Light on its feet, the young horse pranced joyfully around, trampling the field. Then, it let a pleased neigh and started to graze.

Furious, all the hunters sprang like one:

– You won’t escape!

Surrounded, the night foal reared, ears down and eyes wild. And before anyone could touch it, it began to gallop, heading straight to the temple.

Chasing after it, the hunters ran as fast as they could but the animal did not stop at the gates, merely going through hard wood like a ghost.

Someone started to wail in fear while others cried in alarm:

– The beast is here!

The horse crossed the courtyard and jumped into the study, disrupting flabbergasted monks. Never stopping, its mane oily blue in the candlelight, it kept going on – straight to Hachiro’s room.

Having heard all the commotion, the boy had gotten up and could only gaped when the ethereal foal stopped right in front of him, its jet eyes glittering like stars. Under its skin, dark clouds seemed to swirl like ink into water.

No one dared to move. Finally, a stern voice broke the silence:

– Hachiro, is there anything you wish to tell us?

The small child bowed his head in shame as the head monk approached. Reluctantly, he reached into his kimono and handed him his makeshift brush and the painting. The paper was all white.

The old man sighed and turned to the spirit horse:

– You don’t belong here, go back to your world.

The foal danced on its hooves and without missing a beat, jumped into the the picture. Soon, it was all but black ink again.

Hachiro was sniffing, bravely doing his best to not tear up:

– I am sorry master, I didn’t think such a terrible thing would happen!

The head monk looked down at the fidgeting boy for a long moment. Then his wrinkled face cracked a smile:

– Your painting was so life-like that foal escaped. It is not a small talent you have. But for now, please only use real brushes ok? You put too much of yourself in that one!

And from this day on, Hachiro studied Art under the close patronage of the head monk. And they said that the dreaming young boy with nimble hands became of famous artist, creating masterpieces for many temples – and even the Emperor.

Notes:

The art style depicted today is called sumi-e in Japanese. This technique came to Japan from China where it was extensively used for painting surreal and imaginary landscapes.

The ink wash painting method usually doesn’t show the real appearance of a subject but stress its spirit. With flowing lines and misty ombré, sumi-e artists catch the quintessence of their subject, which gives their painting a great expressivity.

The artist giving soul to their creations is a popular motif all around the world. In fact, some Asian folk stories stress the importance of leaving out some detail of a painting, a tattoo etc. so the subject doesn’t escape (usually it’s the eye which is left blank).

[pictures sources: 1 / 2 / 3]

[thegiftbook]

The Gift

Blood dripping from his mouth, Raito, standing on his two feet points at his opponent across from him. His white bodysuit armor full of rips revealing bruised and bleeding skin. A helmet near Raito’s feet has been cracked in half. Raito’s black hair dripping from his sweat and his hazel eyes locked onto his opponent as he is determined to defeat this powerful enemy. His enemy appears to not even a scratch on him and laughing with confidence. “I may be down but I’ll never forfeit this fight! I rather die trying to defeat you!” Raito shouted out.

Then a mysterious voice shouts out from above, “you won’t have to do this alone!” Falling down from the sky a man appears wearing the same type of armor as Raito. As he makes his landing he stands next to Raito. The man gets into a fighting position ready to help out Raito!

“Hiro! I thought you were dead!” Raito exclaimed with excitement.

“We are heroes! When evil is around justice will be there to stop it! So until there is no longer villains like Vile, I can never die!” Hiro explained. Vile appears to be annoyed at the fact that Hiro wasn’t dead like he originally believed.

“You could have lived a normal life and continue to let me believed I had killed you. But now I’ll make sure you stay dead!” Vile said as begins to go into a fighting stance. He then starts to charge at both Raito and Hiro.

Raito and Hiro looked at each and nodded their head in agreement. “We will end this with one attack!” they both yelled. As they both begin to pull their right arm back they start to gather power into their fist. “Juuuuuuustice…..punish punch!!!” They shouted as they throw out their fist towards Vile. A blast of energy starts heading towards Vile and as the attack was about to land…….  

“Raito! You’re going to be late to school. Get up, you don’t want to start slacking off when you only have two weeks left of this semester,” said Raito’s father, drinking his own coffee to start the day. Upon hearing his father voice, Raito jumped up only to realize that entire fight was nothing more but a dream.

“I’m up I’m up!” He exclaimed as he rubs his eyes. He looks over to the wall next to him to stare at a poster with Hiro and Vile about to fight. This wasn’t the first time he has dreamt of fighting alongside his favorite fictional character Hiro, and always become slightly disappointed that none of it was real. Once Raito had fully woken up he gets out of bed and starts to get dress for the day. Realizing it was starting to get late he quickly ran down stairs with his newly combed hair becoming frizzy with all the energy he left when running around. “I’ll eat something at school!” He swung by the kitchen to see his mother sipping her tea and his father switching from bite of toast to swig of coffee back and forth like a pendulum. Raito stopped by his father and picked up his own piece of toast to hold him till he got to school. “Love you,” he said to his father with a one-armed hug. He turned to his mother, who was still waking up, and kissed her cheek. Still learning to speak Japanese he tried his best to say goodbye to his mother and to have a good day.  With the final goodbyes to his parents, Raito practically shot out the door and ran down the block. Normally Raito doesn’t like walking to school let alone running, but he had a weird feeling that something in his life will finally go right.

The real story starts off with Raito, an Asian American boy in his senior year of High School who dreams of being a manga artist. His passion for creating fantasy stories has existed ever since he was five when he first saw an action packed anime that left his little eyes sparkling. From that day forward he tried to fight, act, and be his childhood heroes he saw on his television shows and comic books. Thanks to his mother and relatives in Japan, he learned how to read and write in japanese to keep his heritage alive. But he still struggles being able to understand it when his mother and relative speak japanese to him. Funny how something as little as animation can change a whole person’s life in an instant.

Little does he know that he will end up in his own fantasy story. One full of action with different heros and villians with colorful costumes. However, the real world is vastly different from the worlds he’s read and watch. Life is unpredictable and one little choice that seems good can lead down a road of bad intentions. He will soon have to make a choice of continuing his moral ideals of what it means to be a superhero or become a villain in his own story.

While at school Raito always liked to daydream about living in a more exciting world. During lectures in class he would spend most of his time drawing his favorite characters from television shows or comic books. To improve his drawing he even took several art classes and that was where he would practice making his own characters. He was always a reserved guy when around people but this didn’t stop him from making friends at school but those friends he made were just that, friends at school. Outside of school Raito would lock himself up in his room, practicing on how to draw and practicing his japanese; his mother still has trouble speaking english so talking in japanese was easier to communicate with her. In all honesty he never really minded being by himself but he would get jealous of people spending time together outside of school. This type of jealous only grew when he found out his friends were spending time together without even considering inviting him. How he knew this is where things get more interesting. Ever since he turned sixteen his hearing somehow increased to the point where he can clearly hear people whispering that were several feet away from him. This turned into a problem because certain loud noises felt like people were shouting directly into his ear. He never thought twice about it and just figured he has sensitive ears when really he possessed a Gift….

As the bell rings for school to be over Raito can hear his friends making plans for what to do over the summer break before college starts up and of course they leave him out of it. Not wanting to make them invite him, Raito simply began walking home without saying goodbye. While walking he decided to take out a manga that he had in his backpack. The series is called I Am Hero which is Raito’s favorite series. His dreams usually revolve Raito teaming up with the main character Hiro. To him, Hiro is his role model; while most kids idolize sport stars or TV stars. Raito prefered fictional characters. Instead of going straight home he decided to stop by a comic store that was on the way. He was sort of a regular at the store and this particular store is very popular for local people to hangout at. Raito basically knew everyone that goes to that store and he even tried to make friends there. Making friends at the comic store never really stuck because besides their love for comics he never had anything else in common with the people at the store. He also can’t stand the smell in the store so he only really stayed in the store long enough to see if there were any new comics or mangas that peaked his interest.

Upon entering the store the manager greeted Raito and informed him that they just got the first volume to a new manga series. “You’re a big fan of that I Am Hero series right? We just got the sequel series We Are Hero,” the manager said to Raito.

Excited, Raito walks over to the shelves to quickly pick out the new manga. Upon seeing the cover and skimming through the pages he notices that they have a new main character. At the end of the original series Hiro ended up dying so Raito was very curious on how they were going to continue to series. “Huh, this new character reminds me a lot of a previous villain that Hiro had to defeat. Hopefully it’s just as good,” Raito said to himself. As Raito gets ready to leave he takes a quick look around to see who was here. That’s when he notices a new customer standing near a bookshelf of used comics. New customers were rare for the store and when the store did get new customer it was because they were shown by an existing customer. The new customer was wearing a tie dye shirt with harem pants that looked like the color of green moss, and had blond hair that was long enough to pass his shoulders. Definitely not someone you would imagine being at a comic store. Raito pays for his new manga and leaves the store and not wanting to wait to get home starts reading his new manga. While walking he could hear footsteps not too far away from him, it sounded as if it was following him. When he stops walking he hears the footsteps stopping and when he starts to walk again so do the footsteps. Getting a little freaked out he turns around to see nobody near him.

“So you are new the Gift of Sound,” said a voice. Raito quickly turns back around to see no one behind him. “You’re getting close,” the voice continued to say. At this point Raito started to feel terrified and was thinking that maybe this voice isn’t talking to him. After all he has had sensitive hearing for a while so maybe this was someone far away. Instead of trying to look around for the person talking he decided to keep walking back home. “You’re giving up already? I’ll give you a hint. Look up,” said the voice. Once again Raito freezes and realizing that this voice was talking to him decided to solve this mystery quickly. He quickly throws his head back to look up and to his surprise sees the same guy that was by the used comic book shelves. Only this time he was laying on his stomach and floating above Raito and smiling at him. “You found me! My name is Flight and it’s nice to officially meet you,” said Flight as he lowers himself down to stand next to Raito.

“How….how...how did you do that!” Raito shouted out.

“Oh that’s easy, I’m the Gift of Flight. I have the ability to fly and I’ve been wanting to meet you for a while but never had a good opportunity,” Flight said with a smile.

As Raito looks at Flight, his terrified expression slowly turns to excitement as he opens his mouth wide and widens his eyes. “If I’m a Gift and you’re a Gift and you possess superpowers then that means I must possess super powers too! I’m a Gift! I’m a Gift!” Raito says as he throws his arms up into the air with excitement and shouts out into the sky, “THIS IS SO AWESOME I’M A GIFT…..ummm what’s a Gift?” Ratio asked as he turns his head to face Flight.

It turns out that Flight has been following Raito around for about a week but Raito was always either at home or the comic store. Raito usually drives to school and occasionally would walk to school, like today, since it was only about a ten minute walk. Wanting to meet Raito without people around noticed that he would often stop by the comic store. Originally Flight was going to stop Raito before he got into his car to leave the store to introduce himself. But since Raito was walking home this led to the perfect opportunity to test Raito’s Gift. While Flight has been monitoring Raito, he noticed that Raito would often cover his ears as if there was loud music; even when no one was around him to make a sound. This led to Flight assuming that Raito was the Gift of Sound and to test his theory decided to mimic Raito’s movement. Flight was walking behind Raito and would stop walking whenever Raito stopped. The idea was to see if Raito could hear Flight following him which he was able to do. “So long story short you’re like me. A person who possess a Gift and has powers based on their Gift,” Flight said.

“So how did I ended up with these powers? Am I secretly an alien, did some magic being gave me these powers without me knowing, am I humanity's last hope! Why is it that my power is super hearing!?” Raito said excitingly.

“Wow, Calm down there buddy. It’s nothing like that…well the magic being is kind of closed to the truth. Your powers aren’t limited to only super hearing but instead the ability to manipulate all sound. I guess I should quickly answer your first question on what a Gift is. In all honesty I don’t even know what Gifts are exactly. All I know about them is this; Gifts are some type of divine beings that live inside of us,” Flight said has he pokes Raito’s chest. “There are a total of thirty Gifts and each Gift possess a different kind of power.”

“And I’m a chosen one to be the Gift of Sound!?”

“I wouldn’t go that far into saying you’re a ‘chosen one’ like in some fantasy story but if that helps you better understand the current situation...yah you’re a chosen one,” Flight said with a slight chuckle.

             As Flight looks into Ratio’s gleaming eyes he can feel Ratio’s immense passion of being told he was a Gift. It was like he just told a five-year-old that they had real superpowers. Raito unable to control his happiness starts rambling to himself about starting his own origin story in life and being the main character in a new manga story idea. But after a brief period of awkward silence as he rambled on to himself and Flight just standing next to him decided to ask another question. “You said there are only thirty Gifts and there are like six billion people that live around the world. How do you know I’m a Gift? I don’t see any markings on my body or anything,” Raito says and he checks out his arms and stomach for any marks.

Flight assures that there isn’t anything physical that Raito possesses that identifies himself as a Gift. Each Gift possesses powers based on their Gift but they also possesses special traits. Traits are bonuses each Gift possesses and these traits don’t always relate to their Gift. Flight doesn’t know why this is and they’re not always apparent. Sometimes Gifts never discover what their trait is. Flight’s trait is that he can sense Gifts within a fifteen mile radius. “It’s hard to explain but each Gift feels different, kind of like each Gift has their own unique scent. It helps me out a lot when determining if what I sense is a Gift I’ve meet already or if it’s someone new. Finding Gifts is sort of my job I guess you can say,” Flight explained. As it turns out, Flight travels around the world. Being able to fly comes in handy when it comes to looking for Gifts around the world. “Whenever I find a new Gift I report it to Soul. He’s the guy I sort of work for but he’s not really my boss. He’s more of a friend I can trust,” Flight said.   

“Man, how ironic that you have the ability to fly and your parents named you Flight,” Raito said scratching his head as he tries to understand everything.

“Flights not my real- I mean not the name I was born with. I used to be an orphan. My parents died when I was five,” Flight said softly as his lowers his eyes to look down slightly. Realizing the sudden change of the current mood Raito tried to apologize but Flight reassured that it was okay. There was no way for Raito to know his parents passed away and that it happened a long time ago. “Well my job here is done just one last thing to mention. You should never use your powers out in the opening. I only did it for a split second so you would know I was a Gift like you-” Flight began to say.

“Well of course! That’s superhero 101 because if people where to find out that would put my love ones in danger. Every time the super villain finds out the identity of the hero they always go after their family and friends. A hero must know when to use his powers and when not too!” Raito said as he cut off Flight from talking.

“That’s not exactly where I was going with this, there’s a man that goes by the name Time Keeper who wants to keep Gifts a secret. If he were to find out a Gift was using their powers out in the open he will send Gifts who work for him to take them out and everyone who were a witness to the display of the Gift’s power. He’s not someone you want to get mixed up with ok?”

“This Time Keeper sounds like a super villain,” Raito says as he thinks about super villains like Vile. “Well if I can’t use my powers out in the open then what can I do with them?”

“Generally most Gifts use their powers to help them earn some money. A Gift that goes by the name Morph uses her powers to be an actress, she only performs in plays though. She can change her appearance so it’s a great way for her to have the perfect appearance for any role she is given. The idea is to use your Gift in a way that doesn’t appear that you have powers. You’re the Gift of Sound so maybe be a singer or a musician!”

“I don’t know if I’ll be comfortable with using my powers for things like that. I should use these powers for good like maybe stopping criminals!”

“DON’T!” Flight yelled out to Raito. Realizing his outburst Flight went on to tell Raito to stay away from using his powers to stop crime. Despite being a Gift he still has a human body that’s fragile and one gunshot to the chest will still kill him. He has even experience first hand Gifts dying because they had a similar mindset as Raito. Not wanting to upset Flight anymore Raito agreed to not use his powers to stop criminals. With Flights task being over he handed Raito with a piece of paper with Flight’s number on it. As Flight leaves he tells Raito that if he ever needs help with anything to call him and he’ll do whatever he can to help. Wanting to take a little break before he goes off travelling again, Flight informed Raito that he is going to stay in town for a couple of weeks. The two walk their separate ways and as Raito makes his way back home he couldn’t help not smiling.

Raito has always dreamed about having superpowers and fighting like Hiro and just like a story in a comic book Raito has been given an opportunity to do just that. Even though he said he wouldn’t stop crime the idea of being a hero is still in Raito’s mind. To him this is everything and with fantasy starting to mix with reality, Raito is starting to become blind in his ambition to be a hero. The idea of being shot, beaten up, stabbed and all other dangers that can happen when playing hero didn’t even register with Raito. Once he made it home he quickly ran up to his room to stare at the poster in his room with Hiro and Vile fighting, “I’ll be just like you Hiro,” Raito said to himself. And what else would a nerd that finds out he has superpowers would do? Practice his hero poses of course! Fantasy and reality is about to become one of the same to Raito and so does the dangerous of living in a fantasy world.    

Raito a boy who wishes to create fantasy worlds is now about to enter one himself. But there is one more story we must visit. The story of a man that ever Gift fears, a Gift so powerful that his mere presence will make anyone beg for their life and his name is Leech. Unlike Raito, Leech has had his powers awaken at an early age. But his Gift didn’t reach true potential till he met Time Keeper, the man Flight warned Raito about. Leech’s Gift is the ability to steal other Gifts power by consuming their heart and as of now he contains six other Gifts. His relationship with Time Keeper is simple, when he want’s someone gone he calls for Leech to deal with the problem and Leech is very good at his job.

“Please man! I’ll double whatever Time Keeper is paying you! What’s so wrong about us running a side job? He makes so much money that losing a few thousands bucks is like cheap change!” A man said on his knees with tears coming down his eyes. Afraid to look up and face the man who was about to end his life. The man can hear a hysterical laugh above him. He then sees the foot belonging to the one laughing swing back and kicking him in the face knocking him back. “Please Leech don’t!” The man continues to shout out. Now on his back he can see Leech standing over him with his signature smile. Leech has been known to constantly smile, in fact he was once known as the Smiling Killer before being known as Leech. His smile has been known to be incredibly intimidating because no one can ever tell what he is thinking of or what his true emotion is. This has led people to believe that killing was like ecstasy for Leech and his smile is genuine because nothing gets him off more than seeing someone die before his hands. Above his smile is his mask that he never takes off, a cheshire cat mask that is grey with turquoise stripes. The bottom half of the mask was broken off but you would never notice because of his constant smile.

 “I don’t want your money, besides like you can double what Time Keeper pays me,” Leech says as he laughs. He then proceeds to sit on the man’s chest, grabs him by the hair and pulls it back so the man’s face is inches away from Leech’s face. “If I let you go then the next guy is going to ask for the same thing and then the next guy and well you get the point. Besides I have to make an example of scum who try and go behind Time Keeper, he knows all and sees all remember?” The man terrified to speak a word couldn’t break eye contact with the piercing eyes on the mask knowing that behind it are the eyes of his soon to be killer. All of a sudden he hears a finger snap and his body begins to feel hot. He then hears Leech asking him how long he thinks his body will survive after being set on fire. Leech lets go of the man’s hair so he can turn his head to see his body on fire. He struggles to get up but with Leech sitting on his chest he couldn’t. He yells out to Leech to stop but all he gets as a response is Leech’s laughter. Leech then turns his head to look at three men paralyzed by fear with their backs against the wall. “Now while he’s being burned alive what do you think I should do to you guys for helping this piece of shit sell drugs in areas that have been declared a no drug sell area,” he says as he gets up from the man he was sitting on.

“He made us do it! We’re innocent!” one of the men pleaded.

“You see I feel like you’re lying to me because if he made you, all you had to do was report it. I detest liars like you can’t believe,” Leech said as he walks over to the man who spoke up. Leech then proceeds to grab the man by the hair and begins to slam the man’s head into the wall, “because liars will say anything to get out of a situation they know they fucked up in!” Leech says as he continues to bash the man’s head into the wall only to stop once the skull was completely shattered by Leech’s inhuman strength. “As for you two, I’ll let you go under one condition, you never show your face to me ever again,” Leech said to the men, “considered it a second chance.” As the men ran out of the warehouse they can hear laughter coming from Leech. The men then proceeded feel a sharp pain in their chest as they flopped down onto the floor motionless shortly after. Unknown to them Leech sent an electric shockwave at the men that forced the heart to burst and die right where they stood, “like I would leave any survivors,” Leech said as he began to walk away. After a kill like this, Leech would call in the cleaners that worked for Time Keeper and the deaths will go unreported as if they never died or even existed.

 Life is not like a comic book and soon Raito will learn this lesson. The life of a Gift is to either use their power for wealth and fame or end up dead by the man who seems to control the lives of all Gifts, Time Keeper.