#luckily literally nobody cares about tumblr (or knows it still exists) and i can just yell into the void

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

This is totally cool, lol! That's why I tagged you, I like different perspectives 🥰 and I adore lesbian Jenny

I've been thinking a lot about Jenny's character and sexuality lately since I'm in the middle of rewatching the show. I totally agree that she's attracted to women and most times she pursues guys it's mainly to increase social status and not because of genuine interest. Nate always felt different to me, though. Like, the two times she really pursues him is in season 2, when she's being homeschooled and trying to make it as a designer, and the end of season 3, which is after the whole Damien drama and she's just looking for someone who cares about her and respects her (I know you said once that it doesn't even feel romantic here, which I also agree with, poor girl just needs a connection). I do really see how it can be interrupted as comphet, though. Like she feels like she's supposed to be attracted to Nate because who wouldn't be?

I think the reason why I lean the other way is probably just projection. Jenny's been my favourite GG character since I first watched the show when I was 12, partly because I relate a lot to her, and since I'm bisexual... Add that plus the fact that I totally have had a crush on Nate and of course I'm gonna ship them. I've been relating to Jenny even more this time around cause I dropped out of school this year, so her season 2 arc really hit close to me. So this made my jenate feelings come back tenfold and also made me that much madder at Rufus, lol. I just wanted to go through the screen and shake his shoulders like "There are other paths than the one you want your daughter to have, not everyone has to go through life like society expects you to let your daughter carve out her own unconventional path you fucking idiot!" Luckily my parents have been way more supportive.

Mainly I just see Jenny as bi with a strong lean towards women, but I like to think about lesbian Jenny, too. It wouldn't exactly be the first time I had contradicting headcanons.

I don't know I just think it's really cool that different people can have such different interpretations of the same character. I think that's what's so interesting about fiction, to see how we view things differently depending on how we view and relate to things based on our own experiences. Tumblr can be so focused on hating people who disagree with you, but I like following people with different opinions, it helps me understand people better.

Yeah, I'm glad you tagged me!! back in November, some anons were mean to me about shipping Jenate (me??? who literally does not even - anyway) and ever since then I've been trying extra to ensure that Jenate shippers feel welcome on my blog - you may already know this, because I've brought it up before, but I'm saying it here to let you know that every time you tag me in your Jenate edits I get so happy that you're sharing something you're so passionate about with me!! I'm also a big believer of like........ making the content you want to see (a big part of why I even learnt to gif is because nobody was giffing Dan & Nate, and I was like...... that's the content I need, so if it's not already existing, I'm gonna make it happen!) so regardless of my feelings it's always so cool to see the way you conceptualise JN + their feelings re: each other, and your choice of scenes + lyrics (??? I'm not actually familiar with where you got the words for your edits, they're likely songs I haven't heard, haha) is just so interesting & good!

OH my full Jenny & Nate feelings are a lot more complicated than just comphet on Jenny's part. I feel like..... neither of them was romantically/sexually into each other? and that is kind of the appeal to me? I've always interpreted Nate's interest in Jenny during the s2 arc as sort of like - everything in his life is so unstable and undetermined, and here is Jenny who is so clear on who she is and what she wants, and he admires and respects that, and he wants to be there for her and support her, so when she kisses him he just sort of lets her take their dynamic wherever she wants to? that is very much the vibe I got. You already know how I feel about lesbian Jenny, I mean, you quoted my meta right back at me :'))

but I DO agree with you that Nate is different from the other guys to Jenny. JN have this really specific kind of honesty to them - well, when Jenny wasn't spiralling and trying to get power and acting out, and when the writers actually cared? I still think that NJ had the potential to be a SOLID dynamic but the writers made it sorta unhealthy on the show :(( - but I've spoken abt moments like in seventeen candles and the empire strikes jack before, where they're both able to be emotionally vulnerable around each other in ways we don't see them be with anyone else. I've even compared that to what I like about Derena, whom everyone knows I ship in every possible way, haha. But there's something about characters who trust each other and allow themselves to be honest with each other in ways that they wouldn't otherwise EVER be - especially with characters like Jenny & Nate who have spent so long trying to seem fine and okay even when they're really not.

I honestly really like the idea of queerplatonic Jenate - they're life partners, they're each other's rock, they're each other's person - but it's not romantic OR sexual - and for Nate & Jenny, whose adolescence has involved navigating other people sexualising them so much + not having the best track record with romantic relationships - for them, I feel being qpps gets REALLY interesting, because you get all the perks of a relationship without the romantic/sexual obligations? (obligations isn't the best word, but i don't know what else to use here? LOL) and that's something i love to explore.

I feel like book Jenny was bi! The way she gushed about Nate, whom she canonically had a crush on, and the way she gushed about Serena were EXACTLY the same. Also YES I love multiple headcanons always, it's a lot of fun seeing people explore that!!! I know people who have aroace readings of Jenny, or aro lesbian / ace lesbian readings of her, and I find that really cool, too!

I also definitely get you about relating to Jenny a lot, and feeling that kind of connection. It's similar to how I feel about Dan, and .... explains a lot of my contradicting dair views, actually. A few years ago I had a seriously intense crush on a girl who was... a lot like Blair, in many ways. I spent a ridiculous amount of time writing poetry about her, etc etc, but I never actually acted on it. If she'd fabricated schemes that involved us kissing, though..... I don't know. I don't think I would've denied it if I'd felt like I actually had a chance. I think we just had a case of bad timing, & I like to think in another universe, maybe we were actually together for a bit. I'm glad that your parents are supportive of you and better than Rufus! <3

I think that's what's so interesting about fiction, to see how we view things differently depending on how we view and relate to things based on our own experiences <- THIS exactly! this is a big part of why that "proship" is in my bio. like this is exactly what it means to me and how I conceptualise & understand it!!! Like you, I also like engaging with people who have different understandings and opinions of the characters -> it definitely helps you make new friends you would otherwise not meet by staying in your bubble, & from a fandom point of view, it also helps you develop a more nuanced understanding of a character. Some of the best written Jenny Humphrey I've read was in Jenate fics - and I've had people who don't even ship Blenny tell me they liked the way I wrote Jenny in my post canon blennyfic, so... idk. it's loving Jenny hours - each and every single iteration of Jenny!!!

[catflowerqueen]

Number 2 of your prompts, please!

I’ll assume that this was in response to the first set. If it wasn’t, just let me know and I can talk about #2 from the second set in another post.

2. Grovyle’s new family situation

This one is probably one of the more subject to change, since I’m still figuring out the logistics of things, and one that is going to require a fair amount of build-up.

One of the biggest issues facing the denizens of the changed future is the fact that what essentially happened is that the new reality and the old, alternate reality got smashed together and aren’t quite clicking the way they should. Dialga managed to do a lot in terms of physical rebuilding and fixing things, but due to the nature of the event and the fact that the “higher power/tier” that he alluded to during the special episode had never done something like this before and only really had a basic idea of how to actually accomplish what they were trying to, he couldn’t get everything. So part of what Grovyle and the others do as part of the New Planetary Investigation Squad is to go and… well, investigate, and help out where they can.

But as I said, that is just the physical aspect. And only a part of it.

Something that will eventually get brought up in story (hopefully) is how powerful Relatia really is, and the way she utilizes those powers. A large part of what she does is simply to make sure that time and space are flowing smoothly with no unresolved paradoxes or issues, which is something that was briefly touched upon in the epilogue, and sometimes this necessitates going back through time. As one could imagine, and given the very premise of why Dusknoir was trying to stop Grovyle from changing the future, making big changes in the past can and will often have extremely detrimental consequences on the future if one doesn’t know what they are doing. This is also a big factor in why the celebi species has to be so careful about what they do, and why they are biologically drawn to spend most of their time on a linear path, in the time period they actually come from originally.

It is entirely possible, and, indeed, has actually happened, that Relatia must go into the past and alter the future somehow. Typically the changes are small and people do not really notice, outside of feelings of deja vu. Sometimes this results in her splitting timelines apart and isolating some in special spacial pockets that cannot be interacted with. But when she can’t do that and the changes are too large… you get a situation like what would have happened to the denizens of the dark future had the being Dialga alluded to not intervened. In a case like this, Relatia would do her best to keep everything as similar as possible–engineer situations which would still allow peoples’ ancestors to meet so that they could still be born, working with fellow Pantheon members to ensure natural disasters and whatnot happen when they should so that certain things happen, etc., but that doesn’t mean that she can preserve everything, which is… kind of the point, really, since the entire idea was to change things. But she makes sure that no one remembers the alternate path so that they won’t feel any pain about alternate events which can never happen now. Also so they don’t get confused by all the things that are now different.

Unless, of course, she decides to isolate people from the time stream while she makes the changes before dropping them back in. In which case they would remember everything that happened in the other timeline and, typically, also have memories of the new one they’ve been added into. Which can lead to some confusing situations at times, since it means that they would basically have double memories. 

The thing is, Relatia generally only goes for this route when she gets so incensed at someone that she wants to punish them for something. She can get very, very wrathful at times, and if she wants to mess with the timeline and make it fray and break apart or take unnatural paths, she totally can. You were a ruler in the original timeline, who had everything you ever wanted at your fingertips? Too bad, Relatia is mad at you and now you are a penniless nobody with all the memories of things that you can now never have again because your situation has changed, and you’re the only one who knows it. Oh, and the love of your life who, tragically, died young in an accident? Well, they might be alive now because of the changed circumstances… but they now have no clue who you are, and your attempts to tell them the “truth” just make you come off as a crazy person. Oh, and somehow, in some unexplained way the children you had with the love of your life in the old timeline still exist, and, yes, those really are your kids, a DNA test could probably prove it, even though–again–you and the love of your life never met in this life… but they don’t know who you are either. You do have some vague memories now of donating your genetic material, however…

So you can see how something like this would be a devastating punishment.

But in a case like the Dark Future… would that still be the case? Yes, things would be a lot different than you remember… but wasn’t that the entire point of what the Planetary Investigation Team wanted to do? And you fully agreed to nonexistence in the hopes of fixing the problem, but now you get to live! And, sure, sometimes it gets a little confusing when you have memories both of growing up in a dark world and one filled with light… and the memories of the dark world often aren’t the nicest—in fact, some of them are downright cruel, and you were often a jerk, and yet… isn’t it good to have them both? They prove that you survived a terrible ordeal and still came out fine on the other side, and now you don’t have to be a jerk to survive any more. You can just… heal. And you aren’t alone in this either—everyone who was still alive at the time that the future was saved is in the exact same boat as you. And, hey, with all the skills you gained, you can totally help the ones around you who do not remember the ordeal you went through–because they were either dead at the time or circumstances made it so that they were never born in the first place—survive all these weird paradoxes and anomalies that have now cropped up. …As well as help them move the giant piles of rubble and crumbling buildings that Dialga couldn’t get to for whatever reason.

So that’s what essentially happened here—rather than everyone disappear into non-existence, those that were alive at the time of the future being saved were re-integrated into the new timeline in the same manner as how Relatia does it when exacting punishments. Of course, given how wonky that entire situation was, things get complicated when it comes to establishing ancestry. Some pokemon who got together in the dark future would not have in the fixed one, so not everyone would get doubled memories since they literally would not have existed in any form without the intervention. And some people are obviously going to have an easier time integrating those memories than others, not to mention that there a bunch of people who will only remember the fixed future, so there is definitely going to be an adjustment period for that, and some things/people might never get reconciled fully—luckily everyone pretty much knows what/why this all is happening, because the Partner (Paula) did as promised and spread the story around, so people are going to catch on pretty quick to what is going on when people start freaking out and shouting about how surprised they are to still be alive when seconds ago they were very calmly eating their lunch or whatever. (Don’t ask me exactly how many generations have passed. I don’t really know at this time, and am trying to be intentionally vague about it).

So then, getting back to your initial request… Grovyle’s problem is that he now has a living, biological family… that remembers nothing about the dark future, since his parents and grandparents both died when he was still a child—and an only child, at that. In this life his father is still dead—a tragic accident during a routine exploration/rescue mission years ago—but his mother had retired from that life so that she could raise him and his little sister—who did not exist in the dark future. This causes a lot of friction, since he now has trouble relating to them, and reconciling the mother he once had to the one he has now. Don’t get him wrong—he’s extremely grateful that they are alive, and that they exist, but… it’s hard, when the formative memories that resonate with him most strongly now are those from the dark future.

Luckily for him, according to his memories from the fixed future (which eventually catch up to him… probably the next day? Once the group on the Pinnacle descends and gets the chance to rest and re-group with the sableye gang) he had already more or less left home in order to follow in his father’s footsteps as… a member of the Planetary Investigation Team? Who work under Dialga? Huh. Well, okay then. So basically as far as that goes, he and the others just decide to continue on their way and just make the new base which I’ve already posted on my tumblr… uh… quite a while ago.

It was admittedly a shock for his family when they finally figured out that he wasn’t just a normal grovyle, but THE Grovyle from the famous Paula’s story, but they’re taking things in stride. And I’m still deciding whether or not one of his new-ish female family members is named Laura (for… reasons—which in this case are actually personal and related to the original Laura, and not just because of the way the name spiked in popularity after the story got told. Not that the spike was necessarily that large to begin with, mind you, given all the strange naming conventions that pokemon in this world can have—some do give their kids personal names, some just stick with species names).

The thing about the memories, though… for some reason there seems to be a strange omission when it comes to the fate of a certain human turned treecko… which does get resolved later, but for quite a while it is very unclear what actually happened to her, and most assume that she died at the time the future was saved. The whole situation is both sad and weird, and it will be quite a while before it gets cleared up to anyone in the future—Dialga included, oddly enough. Chalk another one up to the person performing this miracle being new to this and mostly winging it—a familiarization with the concept and minimal basics, if you will.

But it ends up not really being enough of a problem that Relatia will need to come and smooth things out once she finally regained access to the world, so at least there’s that.

And roughly a third of the issues probably come from other weird things that will happen in the past/present with Paula, Laura, and the others over the course of the World’s Treasure, so there’s that, too.

Wow, this ended up really long… why can’t it be this easy to write the essays that I have to do for school?

[missmonkeymode]

My story with google + since its ending soon

So, first things first. How did I get on google plus in the first place? Honestly I'm not fully sure, I think it was a mix of youtube being glued onto google plus, my brother using it, and maybe being lonely I don't fully know. I remember the first thing I did, it was basically add a bunch of pokemon stuff to my feed and follow my brother. Nothing much really happened then, but the more important part is what happened a little bit later, like a couple of months after I made the account. I found a group of people who roleplayed warrior cats. I know, warrior cats. I was intrigued by the thought of roleplaying, since it was like a joint story (in my eyes at least). I immediately joined and made my first oc ever. Her name was Ivy, she's a young cat who hated everything and everyone and was weirdly strong. I made her design in a dolldevine thing. Funny thing though, I didn't even read one book about warrior cats before I joined the group.

That was technically the first time I had internet friends. I remember thinking that everyone was like, cool older teenagers but I found out recently that the closest friend I had was literally 2 years older than me  so who would've thought. Eventually, the community got more and more inactive, and we just stopped. We stopped roleplaying with each other, and I think I was the only one who stuck with google plus from that group weirdly. This lasted until like, mid 2015 I wanna say? I dont't fully remember, but it doesn't fully matter, just by 2015 we split up.

So mid 2015 to early 2016 I literally remember nothing from them except liking minecraft youtubers (VAGUELY THO). All I do remember is getting kicked from this one group for breaking the rules once, but screw them right? I was messing around on youtube, and I found Jacksepticeyes playthrough of undertale in February of 2016. I fell in love with undertale. To be honest, I think that was one of the most intense hyper fixation I've ever had oopsie. I started following anything related to Undertale, including rp blogs since I knew what they were. Then I found someone who roleplayed Ink Sans.

Now about 7th grade me: I wasn't at the best place if I'm honest. I didn't have any friends, mostly what I did was read since I didn't have a phone at the time, I was extremely antisocial, and all I remember is like, the only time I had fun at school was watching the theatre kids dick around in theatre class even though I was too timid to actually say hi.

7th grade me was a different person than now me, even though I still have some traits from older me. But hey we ain't here to hear kit talk about how she thinks her life changed and junk we here about g+ baybee

So when I found this Ink Sans roleplayer, I checked out their blog since I was really into undertale aus and Ink Sans was new to me. I immediately followed after I saw their content. I was in awe, this person was a great rper, was everything 7th grade me wished to be (funny, confident, friendly, all that good jazz), and they liked undertale. I started commenting on their post, and we became friends. I remember becoming friends with them, and befriending their friends. I still know who they are to this day, and I still follow them even if we're not really friends anymore. Eventually the Ink Sans rper made a group where their friends hung out, and you can imagine how shocked and excited I was. Who'd like plain old Kit, all she does is read. But nevertheless, I dedicated the good chunk of 2016 in that group.

Overtime, I learned everyones name and stopped referring to them as their character. Ink Sans's mun's name was Uki, a Gaster Sans became Izzy, a Flowey became a Cy, etc etc. Everyone was older than me, I was the youngest in the group. I remember good things about that place, but one thing I don't remember is how horny e veryone was besides me. Lowkey I think because of skeleporn that they posted that I use to get fluseterd when thinking of sans f. So people were chilling on the server, then Uki got into homestuck. SHe got the others into homestuck, and I believe I was the last one to get into it (mostly because of my brother lol). So we all were posting about homestuck, and as a joke, Uki invited as many Eridan rpers to the server (since she had a crush on eridan lol) and eventually a dude named Myth joined. I'm a mutual to him on tumblr now so thats poppin. Myth is a good friend but he wasn't the quietest person. Eventually because of how rowdy it got, Uki's mom found out about the server and banned her from social media.

Everyone was devastated after that, especially her boyfriend Cy, and that launched the group into a weird limbo where we'd talk to each other and still be friends outside of the group, but not actually be active in the group. Officially it died in summer of 2016, but if I had to say when it died, I would say late winter after Uki left it died. 2016 came and went, and now its 2017 with a good chunk of friends still being into homestuck, so we decided to start roleplaying together as homestuck ocs. That's when things get weird and take a turn towards the sour.

So Izzy, the person who was gaster, started dating this papyrus roleplayer, who we called pap. Myth Introduced us to some more people and then yeah. OH WAIT I FORGOT TO MENTION LOGAN AND LGBT! So this group was the first time I figured out that the lgbt community existed, and Logan was a Pansexual gal who had a lot of drama irl but overall was pretty chill. BACK TO THE STORY!

So everyone had an oc, and everyone was at various places in their roleplaying life. Some people they were great at it, some people didn't start rping until the group started, some people were rusty at it but has some expirence (that twas me).  Because of this group I opened up MSPaint and actually figured out how it worked and start using it. It was fun but some people were..... unsavory to be kind. What I'm going to say in the spoilers contains tw of being sexually gross and suicide.

Around spring Izzy and Pap's relationship started getting shakey, and Izzy wanted to break up with Pap. At the time I had no idea what happened, but apparently Pap threatened Izzy with suicide if she did break up with him.  Izzy told Logan about it, and Logan told everyone to unfollow him. I didn't since I didn't know what was happening, but Pap was shunned from the group and I have no idea what they're doing today. It was a good thing to, his character were gross. Again, I didn't realize it at the time but like, his homestuck characters were fucking WILD. If I remember correctly (and i do) one of his characters tried to hump other characters and yeah that was bad. I made my character punch him and was bout to rip off his troll dick so yeah I did register that that was bad, but I didn't realize the gravity of it. Also another one of his characters kidnapped another character and had them as a sex slave maybe? yeah so good riddance to him.

Tl;DR Pap was gross and bad, so he's gone.

So like, late 2017, the rp group went inactive and some people I still know and talk to. A guy called Muff that joined later is still a good friend of mine. But that split up, and each person just stopped using google+ all together. All that really stayed was Myth, Izzy, and Muff. Logan had something happened with an ex and now deleted her account. I don't know what happened to her, all that she's safe. Cy just slowly moved to a new site, and we didn't stay in contact. 2018 rolled in, and I decided to be more out there and like, try to actually do things irl so that's where I changed from middle school Kit to Kit right now. I still used google+, I found some more friends whom are way better than some of the people who I interreacted with in 2017. Nothing eventful happened that year, but it was an amazing year nevertheless. Now early summer 2018 happened and i found jojo's bizarre adventure, and to my surprise some of my newer friends liked jojo! So we bonded over that, somehow passed them while reading/watching it, and life is going good. Then the announcement thhat google+ is ending happened.

Everyone, and when I say everyone I mean everyone, freaked out. A little bit about google+ culture is that you can literally become friends with everyone no matter follower count or post, it was a great place to make friends. Everyone was in a tizy about how they were going to keep their friends since nobody wanted to lose them. Another thing about google+ culture is how terrible the site is. To anyone here who's familiar with tumblr, imagine the tumblr staff but they dont fix bugs and don't care much about the site, and that's honestly the google+ staff. So everyone jokes about how the site is bad, there was a meme that was created to poke fun at the bugs (it was gold stars), and everyone said "when will this god forsaken site ended". Literally at first nobody knew if the announcement was real or not thats how much people joked about the end of google plus.

According to an article, the original end date was going to be in August. This was announced early this year, so people had time to plug other social media and things like that. But, that wasn't the fate of google+. Somehow someone leaked information about some users, so the google+ team decided to end it earlier. Tomorrow google plus won't be google plus, it'll be google business. Luckily I got peoples twitter and tumblr and all that jazz but.... damn. Who would've thought that google plus would end. None of us certainly did.

[fhujami]

The moment when you found your old blog texts from the late 2014-early 2015, and you realize that the texts are like you could have wrote them today.

That after 3 years, you still feel the same, you still feel all those shitty feelings you had wrote down back then. That when you tried to get help on spring 2015, the doctor talked with you almost hour and half, and told that “You are just bored and you need something nice to do into your every day life, you have people around you who you can talk to when you feel little sad.”

And that was how you kept going for the next years. Keep going as a “bored person”, thinking that nothing was wrong with me, that I just needed something to do. Three years I kept going with that thought.

And maybe because I got work this year, I got something to do five days a week, maybe that is why I realized that ’wait, i still feel like shit, maybe I am not bored after all?’

Because I have been suffocated my feelings and thoughts for the last three years, thinking that I’m just bored, I can’t describe my feelings and thoughts anymore. Because I’m so used to the feelings that I can’t tell how it feels because it just is.

That is why I’m going to print those old text from three years back, and take them to my next appointment and let the nurse to read them and say to her; “This is how I feel. This is how I still feel after three fucking years. And actually I feel more bad than this.”

Luckily on this thursday, the doctor wrote me medicine, so maybe they did believed that I’m not alright.

Even when we talked, they kept saying how ’your basics are good.’

That I have a apartment, I have job, I have friends and family.

And to be honest, that made me feel like okay, if my basics are good, does that mean I can’t be depressed?

They even asked me do I make food my own at home, or do I clean my apartment. When I told that yes I cook myself atleast once a week to got something lunch to work, and I clean my apartment sometimes. They asked is there garbage on my floor or is there a room to move there. And when I told that no, mostly what is on my floor is my clothes when I just throw them to floor when I take them of. They said “well that’s not worrying then neither.”

And it made me think; do i need to live in the middle of literal shit so I can be depressed? Do I need to lay in bed not able to clean, cook or go to shower so I have right to be depressed? I know that in some cases people are not be able to get up from bed in the morning or take the shower or eat or clean.

But you know what? I wouldn’t got up from bed in the morning if I won’t have to.

I have to go to work. I have to got up from bed every week from monday to friday.

And every weekend or my free days, I have to get up from bed, because I need to go to coffee to my granny’s place, so she does not wonder where I am.

But sometimes, when I have went to that coffee to my granny and I got back home, I go back to sleep. And when I wake up I go there again to drink evening coffee and when I got back home, I go back to sleep.

I have kept my mask front of my face.evee since I remember, more in these years with ‘bored’ stamp on my forehead. I still keep that mask front of my face, I may keep it fpr a long time, maybe until the end.

Or maybe when I learn to describe my feelings, maybe I finally learn to take that mask away from my face and show people how I really feel.

And I have a feeling that they don’t care. Because now nowbody cares even I keep the mask and pretend to be happy, why would they care if I took the mask away and reveal the real me?

Those people who I have told about my depression, no-one, nobody haven’t ask me, not even once, how I’ve been doing. Nobody. Not once.

They don’t care. Nobody cares. And I keep wondering what I have done wrong that nobody cares about me? Am I really just a shitty person that does not deserve anything?Am I just some person who exist to people when they need me?

But even my fucking basics are good and the fact I got up from bed every single morning, does not change the fact that I feel totally shit.

I’m going to make sure that they do understand how I feel, how I have been feeling for years, and that I don’t know how to describe my feelings, atleast not just yet, because I have suffocated them and think all these years that I’m just bored.

But now I finally know that I’m not fucking alright, and I want to deal all these feelings what I have locked deep inside me, and to finally understand why I feel like shit, what had cause these and how to deal them by my own.

This is going to be long and hard journey, but I’m going to make sure that I will someday be the person I always wanted to be.

Genuinely happy.

Yes, I wrote here on Tumblr sometimes very personal stuff from my live. I know not many peopleread my posts, or cares a shit or anything, but if there happens to be someone who got offended or annoyed that I talk really personal here, feel free to unfollow.

I do wrote things down when I feel like, because that way I try to describe my feelings, because in that way they have been wrote down and it’s easier to read them later than try to explain them in that moment.

And from the last words, I want to thank my friend I found here on tumblr, you know who you are and you know how much you mean to me, without you I maybe wouldn’t realize that I’m not alright and that I really need help. Thank you sweety, I love you my angel E❤️

[survivor-all-stars-blog]

EP 1: “Have Fun and Go Far” - Jessy [ PART III ]

you bet your ass it took everything in my power not to give into temptation and take an idol clue. And then I tried to convince someone else to take it... I literally mentioned it to Ricardo, Jake, Steffen, Lydia, Alex, Kait... Nobody wants the damn thing. Everyone is so paranoid it's crazy. And everyone thinks people are going to take stuff. But I really can't afford to go to tribal yet... I mentioned before that it's all about relationships, and I need more time to build my army before going into battle.

I knew Lydia was going to be in the game before it started, and I'll admit I was a little worried. After Animal Crossing, I didn't leave a very good impression of myself and she felt the same way. So of course, we ended up on the same tribe. But I saw this as an opportunity to make things right, not just for the sake of the game, and I feel super blessed to have her on my team. We talked through any problems we had and I think she's probably the coolest person on this cast. We click well, and the two of us plus Steffen have made an alliance which I think was on all of our minds. I really do feel like I can trust them for now, but I know they're obviously both social threats and cutthroat players and there's no way in hell we'll be in the final three :')

I really did luck out with my initial tribe though, because Jake is someone else who I have a skeleton of a former relationship with and now we have a chance to flesh it out. I've given him my trust and he's given me his in return, as far as I can tell. I know he's a paranoid player, and I want to make him feel safe. But at the same time, just like Steffen and Lydia he's a really good person and a good friend.

Ricardo was instantly the odd man out on our tribe, since he couldn't be on call and I don't think the others know him as well. I saw this as something I could definitely use to my advantage, so I worked hard to make bonds with him and get him on my side before the others could. No doubt Steffen's been all up in his DMs by now but.... Ricardo did tell me he trusted me the most so ????????? :~) I think it's true.

At least on my original tribe, losing immunity would do way more harm for good. I'm in well with Jake, Ricardo, Lydia and Steffen and I don't want to see any of them go yet. So while I'd love to have taken one of those clues, I couldn't do it. It didn't make sense. 

I know I said before that I came into this game wanting to prove myself. I want to make big moves, I want to be cutthroat, I want to have a 'resume' for the end of this game. I don't want to get to the end and lose. I need to win this. But I look at people like Steffen and Lydia and Jake, and how close they've all gotten, and I know how much it means to them and how much they have to prove too. But Lydia said she's trying to have a new attitude, where she doesn't focus so much on not losing and I think that's important too. There's more to this game than winning.

But for now, I'm on a track to the end with 24 obstacles in my way and I'm not afraid to cut them out

I like this twist because it means MORE LIFE :~) I was thinking it would be some sort of redemption thing but to know it's two totally different games I'm shook.

My new tribe I think has left me in an alright position. Alex was someone else who thought I hated him before this because he left the mole hosting and I voted him out first in Lost City, but our connection with Trevor helped and I approached him and I think we worked everything out.

Jenn is a queen, an icon, my mom, and I know her and Kait are close so I don't think she would want to cut me out yet. She's danger, though.

Logan I can't quite read, but I kind of approached it as "oh look we're both from ol*mpics and we're both jenna's friends hahahaha and we're on a tribe with jenn too how funny wow a coincedence!!! :~)"

So we'll see how it goes with them.

Emma is the only person on this new tribe I'm really worried about. We've always been on opposite sides in games past and she didn't really respond earlier but oh well! Can't be friends with all of them !!!!!

Me: I should be good and not selfish and not take any items. Me to me: go for the idol clue.

See, I was expecting to have to deal with 23 of the biggest egos in Tumblr Survivor and Ruthie, and I was ready for that.  I was sizing up my tribe, and I was ready to handle that.

And then we get this second game and everything has gone to everloving SHIT

WHY MUST WE SUFFER

THIS IS SO MUCH HARDER!

Ahem.  Anyway.  Some actual discussion of strategy.

So, I have pre-existing positive relationships with Matt, Owen and Ruthie, and luckily, I'm on one tribe with Matt and one with Owen, so that's good.  I can work that, hopefully, especially because nobody knows Owen and I know each other.  So I'm sort of leveraging those relationships because on a 5-man tribe, 3 is the minimum you need, so that's #goals

I have formed my first new relationship with Gage, because we both are attempting to give the minimum amount of fucks in this game, so that's a second ally in Game A's tribe.  I feel pretty okay about this tribe because I've talked to them more than the mountain tribe.

On Makalu, Owen says he thinks Jenn and Logan might be a pair, so a potential tribal will either put Emma on the outs or as a swing.  So my goal for the next 12 hours or so is to talk to Jenn, Logan and Emma and just sort of see where they're at, cause I haven't talked to any of them much.

For the challenge, I sacrificed everything but the Idol clue.  I don't expect that everyone is gonna sacrifice everything cause we're greedy all stars, but I don't care about most of it except the Idol Clue.  I want my grubby little hands on an Idol already!

jenn spoiled two seasons of survivor I'm voting her out 

Ok so, time for my first confessional ever of TS allstars. This is so wild to be a part of the game and I'm so happy and ecstatic that I was chosen!! And not even as a replacement I'm screaming!!! I'm really giving my 100% to this game, like the first day I was messaging as many people as I possibly could, trying to do as much socialization as possible, and it seemed to go relatively well. I made a close bond with Nick Wentworth and we like made a kind of pact thing which is awesome!! I'm worried he thinks I'm fake or is just faking the allegiance for some reason but I'm happy with us working together either way, and if he is uncertain of me hopefully I can give him reason not to be over time. 

HNG RIP I JUST LOWKEY REALIZED JULES IS A HOST AND I JUST MESSAGED HER TRYING TO ESTABLISH A BOND #SOCIALGAME

Other than that I've tried to speak to almost everyone in the game at least once and everyone on my tribes a few times and hope that that can pull through in keeping me safe for a while. Upon the reveal of the twist I actually wasn't that upset with it tbh, because thinking about it, it gives me more chances to survive in the game!! Like I basically have two chances now which is awesome. Not only that, but I'm sure it'll increase some dramaaaaa, like I expect to see some fights if one person is eliminated in one game and is still alive in the other hahaha. Like a lot of strategy can come from this tbh. Just hope the strategy doesn't come to bite me!!

This challenge is definitely super frustrating for me though. Like I want shit. I want an idol. I want an oasis. But am I really going to risk exposing myself the first immunity challenge of the entire game??? AM I? I might. IDK!! Like who knows there could be some way for me to mist things into seeming like it wasn't me you know, but to do that you'd need many people to take things to create plausible deniability, and that may not happen. UGH! Ok I've decided, I'm just not going to take anything and HOPE that some random for some reason trusts me with an idol clue if they take one. Here we go!!

im scared that im not in an alliance yet but im starting to get close to some people i just want to get higher than 22nd lmao 

As were awaiting results here, since some people are painfully slow and cannot seem to write or spell the words "I give up all the items", the paranoia is starting to set it. My game A tribe is fine and dandy, but game B is causing a whole lotta hurt to my head already. Logan and I had the awkward "I want to work with you, you're safe with me, I won't vote for you" talk yesterday which was nice, just to get it over with and to more so confirm that they felt the same way I did about working together. I know they have a good social game, but I sort of trust them. I say sort of because let's face it, you cannot trust anyone in this game, least of all a collection of conniving, sneaky and scheming players like this one. They're snakes - MJ shook - so trust is all relative. Anyways, I told them that I was paranoid already about Owen not saying he was giving everything up in the Malaku tribe chat and they agreed, but that was just me venting. I've talked to Owen some more today, so hopefully we're getting somewhere. I've also talked to Alex today, and from what I gathered in that conversation he didn't take anything in the challenge either, or if he hadn't submitted yet, I hope I convinced him not to take anything (either that or I made myself a target to him but saying whoever took stuff would paint a target on their own back). I'm trying to branch out my social game, so I sparked back up my conversation with Steven, Steffen and reached out to Wes. All solid people it seems, for now. 

Back to the real juicy content of this confessional though, Kait calls me last night (sidenote: this was really good in my opinion, because I know were friends but her telling me game stuff that she wouldn't have to regularly displays a show of trust! Nice!) and tells me that Simon was upfront in her tribe chat about taking the idol clue and the oasis. That seems like more items than I've heard from anyone else, so it's very possible that that sends her game A tribe to tribal council. That would also potentially send MJ's game B tribe to tribal council, which is a messy tribe in my opinion, so I'm hoping he's alright there. He said he wants to try and work with JC and Nick because he and Simon don't see eye to eye or something. If he works with JC that's good for me, because I think I'm on good terms with both of them. Kait then explains that she talked to Matt about getting the idol clue from Simon, and they both believe that Simon will give the clue to Matt and Matt will give the clue to Kait, although she told Matt to give it to me as well to "foster some trust in our relationship". That's scary, just because now it's real that people know Kait and I are close? Like it was obvious and Matt has been around the Malaysia chat for almost a year now so he already knows it's just nerve wracking in an actual game situation. Yeah hi, I'm Jenn and I'm a nervous mess. Kait and I agreed that they could just try to be pulling a fast one and not give us the real clue, so we need #receipts, but also first clues are next to impossible so really some extra help might be nice. 

Finally, in my chat with Wes this afternoon he said that the advantages weren't enticing enough for him so he gave them all up. Glad to hear it since he's on Jimmy's game A tribe. If I can only get the same confirmation from JC, I'll be a little less worried on that front too.  

Dear Jessy,

I don’t like you. I don’t want you here. You are honestly the most annoying person in this game. We all know that the Hudson kiddos had an alliance. You weren’t making some huge move by “exposing” what literally every single person in the game already knew.

I don’t want to deal with you while you try to turn molehills into mountains. 

I feel like you try really hard to intimidate people into voting your way, but newsflash! The entire world isn’t concerned about how you want to play the game. In fact, I’m pretty sure that the only person who’s concerned about how you want to play is you.

Jessy has this habit of pretending that she’s both innocent and brilliant. Like, “oh, me? I certainly didn’t try to vote your entire alliance out and DID YOU KNOW that there’s a Hudson alliance?” Hush. Go to bed. 

I’ll side with you if I feel like it, and if it’ll help me. Same goes for literally everyone in this game. If you haven’t figured out that I’m willing to flip alliances faster than anyone here, then you obviously aren’t paying attention.

Sincerely, 

The guy that no one actually thinks is a threat

(which i’m a little salty about, not gonna lie)

WHEW! so im not going to tribal first, which makes me SOOO happy, and we barely even won in Game A, but we're still here.

Simon and alex seems to be the rats so im expecting them to be booted, possibly one of them booted in both games? from what i can infer this is what they took

Alex - Idol Clue Simon - Idol Clue, Oasis, Medium Advantage

simon seems like hes in some deep shit rn but.... that doesnt concern me so whatever!

Well.

So, ah...huh.

Apparently, these all stars? Not as, ah...not as greedy as I thought.

So, uh, yeah.  That's, well.

I mean, anybody with eyes can see what happened - Simon and I took items, our respective tribes lost, and now I'm gonna get voted out at least once, if not twice.  Which, well.  That's fun and good.

Like, I don't...I don't see how I get out of this?  Really?

little correction to my confessional:

simon took 65 points not 75, so he didnt take an advantage, but hes probs gonna be fine with that oasis.

:~) :~) :~) looks like we have a RAT, huh?

It's funny because... I literally told Alex to take a clue. 

[1/6/2017 9:44:31 PM] Owen (Myanmar Host): take an idol clue :') [1/6/2017 9:44:33 PM] Owen (Myanmar Host): lmao [1/6/2017 9:46:08 PM] Alex (Xalxe): Should I take it? [1/6/2017 9:46:13 PM] Alex (Xalxe): No I'm behaving [1/6/2017 9:46:22 PM] Owen (Myanmar Host): I want you to omg can you imagine how iconic [1/6/2017 9:46:45 PM] Owen (Myanmar Host): i'd scream [1/6/2017 9:47:01 PM] Alex (Xalxe): You're a terrible influence I'm not gonna [1/6/2017 9:47:07 PM] Owen (Myanmar Host): hahahaha damn [1/6/2017 9:47:10 PM] Owen (Myanmar Host): good choice

!??!?!?!? and his bitch ass said he wouldn't !!!! but then he DID i'm SHOOK why wouldn't he just tell me he was going to???? 

so now we've got a game of snakes and ladders on our hands because clearly he a snake and he got caught and I know Logan wants him out... But he was someone who I really wanted to work with and trust. I feel like I could have him on my side. Use the snake as a ladder to get to the top. Especially if the snake has a damn clue. But he's so shook that he got caught that I don't think he would believe anything, and I don't know how tf to convince Logan to keep him. 

The person I truly want to target is Emma??? And she's going to both tribals... So I have a couple of options. I can try to convince the other tribe to vote out Emma and then we vote out Emma and she's gone, since Simon/Alex aren't on her other tribe. Or I can convince Logan that Alex has the idol and that we have to shift to Emma.

so we'll see how this goes :') at least my tiebreaker plan saved my game a tribe tho whew and those are the tru loves of my life

Recorded this earlier but didn't send it oops.

So quick text update in addition:

Super bummed that we're going to tribal on a tiebreaker. We did everything right except get the tiebreaker right. If we were going to lose, I wish we'd have gotten some items out of it.

I hope I'm safe. Jack won't vote for me, and by tomorrow morning I hope to have Abbey and Emma in the same camp. I hope (?) Nick already is, but I really don't want to bother him. The timing sucks, but since he's going through some shit it feels borderline invasive to bombard him right now. And it would feel doubly as shitty to boot him. I think (?) the feeling is Emma right now but I'm really not sure. I haven't spoken with anyone in any depth except for Jack. We both agreed to gather info then touch base again. I think Emma would make sense, especially if we can get her other tribe to vote her out too... but is that too much of a risky play? Maybe. Especially with Alex and Simon around, who obviously took the stuff. So we'll see.

I just really don't want to be a first boot again. Please don't let me be that.