#ltierally scared the shit out of me????

[5280ft]

not me finding one of my own patbri posts from some rando on pinterest like 4 or 5 years after it was postedhifjgkkgof

[deoidesign]

I was scrolling and saw your art and it made me really happy because I realized you made time and time again!!!

It’s literally one of my favorite things I’ve ever read, so cool!!!

This is so sweet, thank you for sharing!

It's sort of "illusion breaking" so to speak, to think of my art being both out there in a way that someone could happen upon it, and then further that someone may happen upon it twice, and finally that on doing so they find it recognizable...

I always think of myself and my work as something that sort of sits behind the curtain. The idea that it might take up space in this way is unreal!

This is the kind of thing that means more than you could imagine.

So thank you!

[npdlangley]

gonna be honest and say i feel so inferior and ugly in comparison to them. i like them somuch but also they hurt me so nmuch. i literally had like. an episode over if theyd leave me or not zll over their shitty girlfriend.!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i dont know how to act around them i get so anxious before i go i know mny mom notices and she even COMMENTED on it . i wish i didnttt do that ^_^_^ i wish icouold have normal friendships but nooo i have an insane attachment to them that may or not be because of a disorder . but it hnk theyd hate me if i told them how obsessed i am.

i already told one of my irl friensd i think i had npd and well. i dont think they trust me or even believed me. maybe they think im those kind of self dx disordered wannabes or fkaing or something. i trustted uu but they probaly dont undertsand and icant be open abt it w any one of my irl sbesides like. one of them. so i like cannot risk telling the friend im obsessed w ^_^_^ he already knows that i said i suspected having bpd or npd or somethinggg. starts pacing

having an insane attachment to one of ur friends is hard work but someone has to do it

[rockintapper]

i say stuff about rh characters part 2two

becuase. teehee

the fir1st one, the t3hird one

rhds tiem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!readmore jumpscare

yuka: wair i already d

that frog doll from the tutorial: I give!

note: the jumperrrr

widget: oh its you. yknow your older brother /gn akai mono likes to piss people off sometimes /silly

conductor: jj rpcker questions why you dont move and im glad i can answer her with "he does in megamix"

chorus kids: hi elleon the screaming screamers. theyre ltierally so sikly. but Watch Out

robots (fillbots): the snall one reminds me of coxmo. yall know cozmo? the lil guy and he had cubs that he plays with. and you cn like. and he. cost 200 dolar. the snall rovoNow i feel nostalgic

pop singer (erina): shhehehjdubdmyedrjguexrguderjugdexkvguuggxrwguvvjgkzhdvjgwxd

monkey (fan club): boy stop staring at me your judgemental ass lyour fuckin We're the best fanclSHUT yo stupid ass up fuckin banana lookin headasss i suppose you should jump off a cli

paddler: scare the shit out of me /half sily

blastronaut and shoot-'em-up radio lady: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

inturders: l + ratio + get blasted

captain blue bird: when i heard this lil shit go "STRETCH OUT YOUR NECK" the firsttime i was like WA IT THAT REMINDS ME OF SOMETHIGNG,,, WHHWHAHAYTFAFYA

the blue birds: ok actually. the enitre minigame takes me all the way back to the we are number one rh remix imm so df. s SADDACGFHEVVHG /POS

moai kids: doo-womp womp

moai bird: wait i though you were called seagullx

love lizards: Wonderful cnaracters, HHHHHHORIBBLE minigame. that is all. unles you uh. i mean. listen. leans c,oser to you. what if you flicked for each shake.

stomp farI HHEHDHHHHHJBJFXHEHBSDXJHB. GRABS HIM SHAKES HIM SHAKES HIM SHAKES HIM SHAKES HIM SHAKES HIM IT WAS OOONNNEEE MOOOOOOLLLEEEEEEEE OOOOONENEEEEEE MOOOOOLLLLLEEEEEEE

oh god the vegetables again: ok!

moles: pats your head. i know. hes very mean to you guys. i mean. like. i misse dlike One of oyu and stomp farmer gave me A GOD FORSAKEN ok. i know its not his fault its the games. judgement system. but the way he

tj snapper: me and the bad bitch i pulled by being autistic

tj snapper's girlfriend: me and the goofy guy i pulled by being autistic

the dazzles: stop staring at me im trting my best,,

munchy monk: i call him munchy in my head. he smiles SOOO WIDE in the battle of the bands audience hes so goofy i lov

dj yellow: SCRATCHO

dj blue: i. the lips. the lips. what have the done to you. its gonna be okay. i sure as hell am not drawing you with those big ass lips. hily s

taiko rally squad: DON DOKODOKODON DOKODOKODON kinda unfair how in the try again and ok screens this guy Loses. but in the superb screen BOTH SIDES WIN. PARTICIPATION TROPHY-ASS SHIT

research scientists of love lab: bi4bi. and if youre willing, bi4bi4bi.

the three synchrettes: alley-oop!

dolphins: oh cool dolphins :)

ecto: omg hiiiii helloo litle guyyy i wuv youuu ^_^ kises your snall tiny forehead

booboo: FUCK you FUCK you FUCK you FU

spooky: honestly? i fw him

dog ninja: i wanna cook soup wjf youbyoure soawesome and cool and i lpve you hii doggyyy hi dogy. dohyynkkgunnbuyrctib

mister eagle: thanks for telling me to cut the fruits. i was gonna do that anyway but like. shoutout to you man. props

the frogettes: jj rocker really likes you huh. cant get enough young love rock and roll even

space kicker: hi radar AAGHHHH THE SPACE!!! KI IEKR AAHH ITS HIM INAHIUIBSSYSBIYFIBYDS /VPOS

stepswitcher: love these thangs. i have several of my own thangs. the one i (mc) adore most is the purple thang. his name is mo

JJ ROCLEKEKRKMJ &*;*;&;&$-$×<;^<^<^$ UBGDEBGSCXUGBUSDXGBBHG my eif ei lvoe her so so sp sososososoos muuch foreverrr aheehee giggle. kicks my feet twirls my hair. i think i hauve covid

STUDENT ROKCKONOUCRFUIBCFEJHBGCERBGUSXD MY CHILD HE HAS EVERY DISEASE

airboarder: yeeeeaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHHH LETS GO

seals: wait. whatd you do with the dolphins. where are they. say somethign . Where are thr DOLPH

smiling coin: do i know you

thr cnaract3rs from tunnel the endless game: ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i gues. but like. do you really ned a cowbell to keep driving? i mean. just record yourself playing a cowbell and like play it on the radio. just do that. why am i holding a cowbell anc playing the cowbel for YOU. do it yourselfIs she even listening to. m

glass tappers: ths Glass Tappers J SWEWR EVERY TIME I READ THR WORD "TAPPERS"

the thing from rhythmove dungeon: youre. okay. i guess. i only played your endless game once. uh it 's fine. i mean.

clodhopper pickens: youre so full of glee,, id be happy too if my business card made music,,

slot monster: tjen scdrunkly. scdunkyl. scrunkly. sc

octo-pop: WAHAHHA THE. MSUIC SO FAST

beat machine: i barely messed around with this one. it's fine . wish the crowd wasnt so judgemental thogu

beatbag I dont know this one

kappa dj: ive seen you on davidmismol thumbnails and thats basically it lel

okaye wow owwowow owowowo WOWWOWWOW

[cassyapper]

OKAY IVE ACTUALLY PLAYED TWO SESSIONS SINCE MY LAST POST SO IM GONNA COMBINE THEM HERE SORRY FOR THE LENGTH BUT,,IVE COME SO FAR I DONT WANNA STOP NOW

this is gonna be very messy cause i WILL be jumping back and forth as things come back to mind so uhh pls enjoy this absolute ramble <3

anyway. i continued playing omori and boy do i have some Thoughts

so first session; i went through the pyre(something i forgot the full name sob) forest/sprout mole village/sweetheart’s castle in one go and let me TELL YOU. DOING THAT WAS FUCKING INSANE I WENT NUTS holy shit.

so anyway.

pyre forest!!!! the lil race against the big spider coming after u for disturbing the smaller spiders mechanic was very fun i had a lot of fun figuring out the best routes to take. i know normally mechanics like that lead to ppl getting frustrated cause u have to keep retrying but i had a lot of fun!!!! sum annoyance but good natured type, th kind that just makes u try harder u know? i just enjoyed it JKFN;FN; candles in the foggy forest....now That is an aesthetic

the rare bear scared the fuckin shit out of me i remember it didn’t attack me straight away so i was like “aw (:” but then when i press x on him it takes me to a BATTLE SCREEN AND SUDDEN THAT MF IS TERRIFYING I WAS LIKE WHWHWHWHWKJDNJ. very funny i honestly wished i recorded my reaction

also omori is afraid of drowning...................................i am breathing heavily. i think whatever happened to mari is related to at least one of the things omori is scared of. so either heights, spiders, or drowning it seems. spiders doesnt seem super likely as a contributor to her death, and while falling from a height is more realistic, such a senseless way of dying doesnt seem to rlly fit ? with the vibe i get from the kiddos in the real world. which makes me think maybe drowning/otherwise suffocating is how she died...but we’ll see. also due to the forgotten library part, we know omori explicitly feared spiders/drowning before mari died so it’s also probable im jus talking out my ass here but still,,,,thoughts

also this motherfucker?

literally fucking terrifying. IT’S BODY IS MADE OF SUCC’D SPROUT MOLES...i still have no idea what exactly it was doing to them but jesus h christ!!!! evil and fucked up. do not feel bad for curbstomping it

sprout mole village!!!! very cute, im v excited to send that one dude his brother’s care package. i like how, when theyre not lost, sprout moles can be real endearing lil guys,,,theyre not my fav lil enemies but (:

also for some reason omori is the first game ive played where i really care about getting achievements ? so i literally did the back and forth on my save file just to get all the season sprout mole achievements JKDJFJ;. i ended up sticking w spring tho before moving on for real cause spring is my fav season irl (:

also i felt SO BAD for cutting down that one sprout mole’s chistmas tree he was just trying to celebrate but i wanted to see that present and coincidentally becoming a christmas ruiner was an achievement so all’s fair in love and war i suppose

ALSO. th fuckin plant monster thing under the scientist sprout mole’s room. major little shop of horror vibes from the design, absolutely adored it!!!!! originally i did  just cut the wire holding the piano over it, ending it in one go, but i was very curious abt it so i reloaded a save file to actually fight it and

i know it only spread that gas to make the kiddos happy cause being happy reduces attack i think ? it decreases attack/defense but seeing the kiddos smile so much was nice (:

however

omori...sunny....son boy.........u good ?

and now. sweetheart

the way the sprout moles completely adore and depend on sweetheart gives me such awful evil vibes and combined with such a luxurious background was fucking incredible

sweetheart herself, speaking of. bitch (sorta affectionately, certainly not derogatory)

i talked to every sprout mole in the audience before taking my seat and i literally dont know why. even when i picked up the pattern of where the unique dialogue could be found (usually the sprout moles farthest right) i still talked to all of them......just in case ? i have no idea. i dont know why i did that. i feel it’s important that i note it tho

LMAO SO WHEN SPROUT MOLE MIKE DID THE MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR YE OLD SPROUT MOLE

I LITERALLY FELT SO FUCKING BAD LMAO I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD NO!!!!!! I DID THAT!!! I KILLED HIM!!! OH MY GOD!!! I WONDER HOW AWKWARD OMORI KEL HERO AND AUBREY FELT IN THE AUDIENCE HOLY SHIT THEY HAD FRONT ROW SEATS TO SPROUT MOLE MIKE’S MOURNING!!! MY GOD FJKFN;;

also sprout mole mike describing 3′7″ inches as ”towering” was the FUNNIEST shit i have ever seen. also i have to wonder, since sweetheart made up the whole show of sweetheart’s quest for hearts in the first place, if she was seriously down to marry a sprout mole if one suited her fancy. jus v funny to me honestly. SPEAKING of sweetheart’s dating patterns I NOTICED THOSE FEM SKELETONS IN THE DUNGEON!!!!! BI SWEETHEART!!!! SHE’S JUST AS DOWN FOR GIRLS AS SHE IS BOYS

i know TECHNICALLY not everyone is in the dungeon for failing to be a good enough suitor but STILL...COME ON. THIS WAS BEFORE WE KNEW THAT. SWEETHEART BI I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

anyway

when the lights when out and lightning struck the third contestant, i knew Immediately something was gonna go down. and when the mustache sprout mole was like “oh yes!! u!! in the striped pjs!! u absolute beast ur perfect!!!” i KNEW hero had just been selected as the replacement i was goign completely fucking nuts i was like OH MY GODNFNG; HIS HEART IS ALREADY TAKEN BY MARI!!!!!!! STOP

i ended up taking so many screenshots during this part cause i was going feral so here take a glance just cause i love, uh, hero

OUR HERO IN SHINING ARMOR DJLBH;KFJB

also GOD FUCKING DAMMIT IM SHORTER THAN HERO

hero shaking on the stage when he was introduced...oh my HEART....IM SO FOND FOR THIS BOY WTF!!!!! DKJDN;N

this is not really NEWS to me since it’s implied hero is tall but like come ON..... sorry just every time i find out a character is explicitly taller than me i need to huff about it, moving on,

HERO FUCKS

sorry i just have so many screenshorts during this aprt cause i was going fucking crazy but

literally terrifying! sweetheart bathes in that shit!! christ!

is blood good for ur skin? i imagine, so long as like...gore isnt in it and it’s solely blood it cant be BAD necessarily......but good ? regardless very fucked up. besides the fact that well, uh, BLOOD, blood is also sticky as hell. ur telling me sweetheart willinglhy bathed in that shit? disgusting. at least thin it out

anyway I HAD SO MUCH FUN DOING THE PUZZLES AT SWEETHEART’S CASTLE....FROM THE DUNGEONS TO THE KITCHENS TO THE BALLROOM TO THE LIBRARY TO THE GARDENS JUST EVERYTHING!!!! IT WAS SO FUN I ENJOYED FIGURING IT OUT SO MUCH IT WAS LITERALLY DELIGHTFUL...I LOVE THIS GAME SO MUCH THE GAMEPLAY IS SO FUCKING EPIC I LITERALLY HAVE SO MUJCH FUN.......OH MY GOD I JUST. INCREIDBLE!!!! FUCK

also the lil sir maximus bit.........i honestly felt really awful over having to kill them ): i think i even tried running once but it wouldnt let me...it hurt man ): they were just a family....

um but anyway,

i think it was rlly sweet how aubrey protested to the wedding cause she was worried abt sweetheart,,,like i cant rlly explain it idk how to put it into words,,like sweetheart is clearly not mentally well and having an episode, and aubrey being the only one to say “hey what ur doing is self-destructive and isolating” just mmmh. she cares a lot,,,and *i* care aubrey

also sweetheart’s battle theme fucking SLAPPED...SO GODDAMN HARD IM STILL QUAKING OVER IT....FUCKING BANGER YO!!!!!! INCREDIBLE

ah but alas

BASIL........I NOTICED THAT IT WAS HIS GHOST/SHADOW DURING THE EXIT FROM OTHERWORLD AS WELL BUT JUST FUCK

im so worried about basil ):

and it being so obvious that none of the others can see...........them asking omori if he’s okay.....oh my god. i go nuts

and then...the forgotten library part

i literally cried, again, oh my fucking god

these kids loved each other so much they ADORED the time they spent with each other and im QUAKING to know WHAT HAPPENED TO MARI......HOW DID THE FALLOUT GO. I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW

i know there are multiple endings to this game and on god i am not QUITTING until i get the happiest ending there is for these kids im literally a goddamn fuckign mess oh my god

MARI SHWOING UP IN THE LIBRARY AT ONE POINT AND LEADING OMORI...........IM LTIERALLY GOIGN INSANE OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HE LOVED HIS SISTER SO MUCH HE’S SO CLEARLY LOST WITHOUT HER I CANT FUCKING DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW

GOD

okay sorry i just. ive said ti before but the grief in this game is so real and palpable and it aches, it aches so bad. also the white egret orchids in the library...i see u

but regardless.... session two real world electric boogaloo

LOVE that kel is like “so i need to run errands but u wanna come with me right? of course u do!” like fuck i rlly do. kel is just so delightful i would literally do anything to spend time with him

ALSO i noticed u can just refuse to open the door both times kel’s knocked now and it makes me wonder....if u could choose to ignore kel ? and then venture out urself or just ? i wonder what would even happen if u chose to not open the door. im CERTAINLY not doing it myself at the very least not this playthrough but i am curious...i bet that’s how u get a bad ending, by not talking w kel

but anyway....

aubrey and her gang not saying anything in the pizza parlor........i jus think abt that is all

ALSO!! pet rocks!!!!!!!!! LOVE this lil thing it’s so cute. jus rock paper scissors it babey

speaking of lil bits, love all the mini quests in the real world...it’s just rlly fun and builds up this cute lil town........it also makes me think that whatever happened to mari cant have been anything except an accident, bc no one comments on what a tragedy it was to omori. like if it was murder, there’s no way such a horrific situation wouldnt engulf the town for a bit and sweep over it for weeks at least, but that just doesnt seem to have happened. this is def me reading too into it tho;; point is neighbors nice (: also i got the seashell necklace and i go apeshit

ALSO......THE FUCKING...........CHURCH. I VISITED WITH KEL ON A COMPLETE WHIM CAUSE I WAS CURIOUS IF THE PASTOR WOULD TALK MORE ABT AUBREY BUT NO. INSTEAD HE TALKS ABT THE WEIRD VIBE FORM THE GRAVEYARD HE’S GETTING!!! AND THE DUDE WHO CHILLS IN THE GRAVEYARD SAYS SHIT ABT THE SPIRITS GETTING READY FOR SOMEONE TO JOIN THEM!!!! BITCH WAHT THE FUCK

THERE’S NOF UCKING WAY THIS ISNT ABOUT BASIL. THERE IS NO!!! WAY!!!! I SWEAR ON GOD IF BASIL DIES I WILL LOSE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ESP CAUSE THERE IS LITERALLY NO OTHER WAY HE COULD DIE EXCEPT SUICIDE THAT’S WHAT IT HAS BEEN IMPLYING OVER AND OVER I GO NUTS I GO APESHIT NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK

OKAY SORRY I JUST. HHHHHHHHHHH

baby has acquired baby

kel’s family is rlly cute,,,,v heartwarming. i trust them

i do worry abt like...the stark difference between recognizing kel’s accomplishments and hero’s...i just idk. i just keep thinking abt that bit in kel’s story abt hero’s depression when his parents focused on hero and ignored him, and i just. kel’s family is good People but i worry if kel has a good support system...i jus........): i am watching

ahh THE BASIL MISSING PART MADE MY HEART LITERALLY FUCKING DROP..I WAS SO FUCKING PANICKED I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD THIS IS IT BASIL IS DEAD

THANKFULLY HE WASNT BUT HOLY GOD HOW THAT WHOLE SITUATION PANNED OUT MADE ME GO NUTS!!!!!!! BASIL...AUBREY...HER GANG.......FUCK OH M YOGD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

THANK G O D I SNOOPED AROUND KEL’S HOUSE BEFORE LEAVING I WOULD HAVE H A T E D TO FIGHT THEM ALL AT ONCE IM GLAD I WAS ABLE TO JUST PEPPER SPRAY THEM JESUS CHRIST

oh my god kim like asking for aubrey all concerned before deciding to trust her and leaving.....kim i diagnose u with lesbain

the whole fucking. basil almost drowning scene. i seriously feel like ive changed like as a person over it. i am thinking . i am thinking. i am only evee thinking about mari and how omori just loved her so much and how the thought of her gave him strength. th pic of her ghost holding omori’s hand in the water made me cry

MMMM BUT. HERO!!!

I DIE I DIE I DIE HE’S SO PRETTY FUCK ALSO HIM PICKING UP BASIL WOOOOOOOO THIS IS WHAT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT YEAHHHHHHHH

god i feel so bad about leaving aubrey tho. shes so clearly not okay and she so clearly did not mean to push basil in and oh my GOD I JUST...PLEASE....PLEASE CAN WE JUST TLAK TO HER I NEED TO TLAK TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO FUCK

the ghosts of omori and aubrey on the swings made me cry out like i had been physically assaulted

AHH BUT THEN TAKING BASIL HOME AND WHILE HE’S IN HIS BED HE JUST SAYS “oh sunny...there’s not way out of this...is there?” I LITERALLY GO BUCKWILD APESHIT INSANE STUPDI!!!!!! BASIL YOURE PUTTING UP A LOT OF ALARMING FLAGS HERE!!! PLEASE DO NOT FUCKING DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK. CHRIST. HELL. SHIT. THIS GAME IS DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY

GOD

oh my god but the day ending with hero and kel sleeping over at omori’s house...im kdnd im jkdim im not uhm okay THEY BUILT A BLANKET FORT PLEASE..I LOVE THEM

goddd hero going into the piano room....playing sum........and then asking omori abt the song he and mari used to play on violin...and then THE TITLE SCREEN MUSIC STARTS PLAYING....HI. HI HELLO HI YOU CANT FUCKIGN DO THAT HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOUFBJFGJNGN;EJNE; IM GOIGN NUTS

also the name omori comes from the piano.............interesting...i wonder why sunny likes being called omori in the dreamscape...

god but omori not having a srs hallucination cause he’s w his friends and he feels safe...im gonna sob

However. i did glance into the bathroom mirror. AND INSTEAD OF THE EYE MF IT’S A DISTORTED AS HELL GHOST MARI???IM SO FUCKIGN SCARED. IM SO SCARED. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK? CREEPY AS HELL!!!

ohh my god this GAME

so finally i ended up in whitespace again. do NOT like that omori is completely alone in the world!!! what the FUCK!!!!!!!! I AM SO SCARED AT ALL TIMES. im literally about to go play sum more tho after dinner so i will see what happens. god i jsut......this game is so fucking good it has me by the balls dude. SO glad i decided to play it bruh

anyway thanks for reading all of this if u did, it’s an absolute monster ik and ur a real one

[khtron]

It’s literally the worst watching bh and esp the that’s too much man ep bc ltierally literally literalllyyyy s*r*h l*nn my comfort character

Like obvi I’m not a kinnie bc No, and god forbid I make similarities between their relationship to one of my own, but the whole. Almost everything. Is so much

The way they enable each other, the way they’re not good for each other the way their relationship is them relapsing and doing bad things together which leads to her demise, it fucks me up SO much, s*r*h l*nn reminds me so much of sm*res, so much of them and their inserts w/o the alc*h*l and dr*gs but all the trauma and relapses and her state of mind after all of it, it’s so. Upsetting.

Like obviously. Not like that. But being a bad influence to someone when you’re the older one who’s supposed to be responsible and you just keep fucking up so much and you end up ruining your friendship bc for a long ass time a big part of that friendship is just enabling bad habits and allowing yourself to partake in htings You know are bad or wrong bc that’s how the friendship works, and like god. Her first ep, that’s ltierally exactly what I’m scared of if I ever approached on anything thatt there would be shitty backlash and like, GOD, even the fact that they didn’t talk for yearssssss and she was still going through somuch shit like, when they disappeaered bc of Binch like.

I’m not a bad person I know I’m not but it’s so scary bc it feels like every fuckng day I’m fighting to not be apiece of shit or stupid and I feel so stupid, I feel like it shouldn’t be this hard to be good or normal, acting normal is so hard this is derailing, but like god the amt of talking to myself I’ve been doing to keep it together bc I feel like I can’t Break is killing me but I feel like I dont get a turn to crash bc no one can handle me, but I’ve been doing it alone for a while and like... I’m fine but idk, if I don’t get a chance soon, I’m gonan end up hurting people just bc I can’t be normal, but for now I can be, it feels hard to be when I’m alone and I’m going through it so much but then I’m faced with talking to other people bc I have to (or ykno, Want To in the case of my partners) it goes perfectly or smoothly and its like what’s my fucking deal why am I scared of lashing out when I havent been at all when I COULD, but I dont.

Anyway yeah I feel scared of this so I’m rewatching bh as one does, bc I need to remember I’m not that bad and I was but I’m not anymore and I’m trying and eveyrone knows that I just, idk, it’s complicated and even tho I’m literally not a kinniie at all I just care abt s*r*h l*nn so mcuh, I am goin through it

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sleepstates]

parent venting i guess ?? (tw for medical talk, mentioned death of a grandparent, and abuse - maybe also fatshaming?)

so we moved recently, and krem n i are staying in the new house by ourselves (with our 3 cats and now two of the dogs- and also a gecko) but my mom is VERY insistent that like. this is her house? even though we're paying half the rent (krem is, at least >< i don't have money atm but i'm working on it slowly but surely)

but also my parents... will not do simple things around the house? my mom walked around this weekend and pointed out a few little "chore" things, or talked to me about habits we have that annoy her (like... putting things on shelves? she's on a weird kick about being in a '''minimalist''' lifestyle now but i KNOW she's lying bc i KNOW how cluttered she has ALWAYS been)- but she... wouldn't do anything about it?

and like. they didn't... eat here? the whole time they were out here they only ate out. and only bought NEW snacks/drinks, not using the stuff we already had. which also just doesn't make sense to me? if you're going to fight so hard about this being your house, why aren't you... using it?? they slept here but it really feels more like they treat it like they're staying with a guest?

which- my mom YELLED at me and krem about. like SHOUTED at us about last time they were out here. so we've been more conscious about this being "her" house, and i did what i could to not talk about how we do stuff here while they were out here- but they also spent 80% of their time NOT at the house? so i don't understand what the point of them even sleeping here is tbh

also it was my grandpa's funeral service yesterday so if i didn't already have mixed feelings about father's day........ yikes. it was great though i talked to my aunt for a while about how he used to physically abuse us (she's only like a decade older than me at most so we grew up in the same house for a while)- and she also validated my trauma about my mother's abuse of me too ><><><><

the worst part is i'm mad at my mom but she has surgery in 8 days so also i'm so worried and i just want her to be okay but literally she's so far away and i won't be able to help her through her healing process and i KNOW she's SO BAD about listening to doctors (she goes to work on broken feet, and also breaks her foot bones VERY often) but she's getting a surgery to get like... idk its a band around your stomach to make you thinner or something- but they're gonna have her on a SUPER strict diet, starting with all liquids, and i'm so scared she's not gonna go with it and do the full like 6 weeks of transitioning back into normal food lskdfjhngsdkfjns

but then also i'm mad bc she was like "yeah i'm gonna lose a bunch of weight so ill just give you all my clothes since you're fatter" like thank you for just. casually shaming me lsldkjfnhgsldkjfn i know i'm not "thin" but i'm ltierally healthy like my body is a brick i don't think i COULD get thinner than i am, other than like, my thighs getting smaller or maybe my tits shrinking (please)

anyways i'm medicated right now so my brain is going fast and i just.... bababababaab i wish that my parents were better to me. my mom specifically like my dad is FINE i like him he just gets mad with her when she's being a piece of shit

[dorianpavus]

boy........... therapy rehash / emotional mess beneath the cut

so before i go to therapy i usually take 10 minutes to just like.... introspect, think about my week, think about the themes, think about what i need to talk about, that sort of stuff

and today i was like, ok there’s a couple things i’d like to mention, but it’s been a pretty ok week and i’m not sure what we’re gonna end up talking about. and then i realized that yesterday (when i had worked/run errands/gone to get dinner + drinks with a friend/played ffxiv with my 2 brothers) felt like...... the first Full day i’d had in a long, long, long time.

and that made me start crying in the car while i was driving there, but i wiped away my tears and didn’t get the chance to think much more on it.

and then........ boy.... just. i’m just like. still emotionally reeling.

so at therapy i talked about work for a while, and my shoulder, and then i started talking about this past week in general, and how i’ve been really proud of myself. i Big Girl Cleaned my room, and it feels breatheable now. i’ve hung out with friends twice in 7 days!!! i stopped drinking soda except when i’m out 2 eat, and i’ve cut back on espresso, and i started drinking a lot more water and forcing myself to prioritize myself and prioritize SLEEP (even when i don’t want to) and ....

i’ve been starting to feel like i have a lot more energy, and that’s making my mood increase dramatically. and all those are things i was aware of and they’ve been really encouraging for me.

but then i started talking about my day yesterday. and when i went to tell her that it felt like a full day, i just started crying. and i had no idea why. and i was like “ahh i’m sorry i have no idea why i’m doing this!!!” 

and she was like, no, this is good. whenever clients of mine start crying when they don’t expect to, when they’re talking about something that seems innocuous, i like to sit in that moment, feel it, and think about why that’s coming up.

so we did, and.......... boy. just. what a session lol

i said how good it felt to spend time with my friends and brothers. but not just that, but that... i’ve felt like i’ve been stronger the past two weeks than i have been all year. (oh my god i’m ltierally crying again wt f god)

and that it felt like... i had been offered choices. and i kept getting scared, or tired, and choosing the easy choice. do i want to drive and go hang out with my friends or stay in? do i want to go for a walk or stay in? do i want to do literally anything or continue to do nothing at all?

and i kept not having the energy or strength to make other choices. but the past few weeks, i feel like i have. i feel like, not that it’s been “easy” to make myself do everything, but i’ve done it. and they’ve felt like choices, and i’ve made the right ones finally. and i said, “i feel like i’ve been braver.” 

and she looked at me and was like, you know what? i feel like you have too. and she listed a bunch of stories that i’d told her the past few weeks, and brought up so many instances of my being brave and standing up for myself or others and having hard conversations with my parents and my boss and like... it really sunk in, and i felt brave

and i told her that... well. soooooo i haven’t even talked about it on here (which is funny cause that one ask meme thing was like “tell us a secret” and i didn’t even think to say this, because i have mentioned it before but that was a loooooooong time ago and most ppl i think figured it was uh... resolved....)

but i didn’t technically graduate. well, not technically. i didn’t graduate. i walked in the ceremony, but i had an incomplete from one of my classes, because i couldn’t write my final paper. every time i tried to, i panicked and i felt like dying, and that scared me so i stopped thinking about it. and time passed. and more time passed. and now it’s been a year. 

and it’s a secret that’s been weighing so heavily on me it’s felt like it’s suffocating me. if my parents found out i think they’d kick me out. just thinking about the paper makes my brain go, “uh better kys cause that’s Too Much.” and i hate feeling like that. but i hate that i haven’t graduated too, because it means i can’t apply for jobs because i don’t have a fucking degree!!!!! which is why i’m stuck at home, which only makes me worse!!!! for ONE FUCKING TERM PAPER!!!!

and i kept making progress, like i went from avoiding thinking about it completely since i was a fucking mess to starting to think about it more (which caused my anxiety to skyrocket but was an important step in Dealing With Shit), and every time i thought i was gonna get close to doing something about it (emailing my professor to see if he’ll still accept it, for one) i would get scared. it was like one step forward, two steps back.

like i’d come so close to emailing my professor a few weeks ago... only i didn’t. and my therapist was like, ok, i want you to take time and really think about what it is that you’re so afraid of. what stopped you from emailing him?

and it used to be that the physical act of writing the paper was what scared me. like words wouldn’t come to me. like i was afraid of letting him down/the paper not being good enough/etc. but with time it’s morphed into.... something else, i realized. and it occurred to me that i’m partially afraid of emailing him not only because i’m afraid to write the paper, but more so because i’m terrified of what comes next.

if i graduate.... i’ll have to look for a Serious Job. and maybe i’ll have to move. and maybe it will be horrible. and the whole idea of moving forward into some new vast stage of unknown in my life terrifies me. because what i want to do, what i’ve always wanted to do, was go au pair in france and then teach english there, if i could. that was the Dream Job, and it had been attainable until i had way more student loans than i’d expected and i couldn’t afford it. so now i need to find a decent paying job for a year or two so i can save up and hopefully do what i want.

and it’s that “decent paying job” that scares me. instead of thinking i’m not good enough for my professor now, it feels like i’m not good enough for a Real Job. i have no idea what to expect, i don’t think i’m qualified for literally anything, i just... i feel.......... worthless. and un-hireable. and like whatever path i choose to go down, i’ll be terrible at what i do and... what if it makes me miserable??? (that, as my therapist would say, is Catastrophizing i know i know but it’s something i worry about).

but that felt like a breakthrough. i hadn’t realized i was so afraid of it. i hadn’t realized that what i want more than anything is to be independent and move out and get a better job, but i’m so fucking TERRIFIED of getting a new job. one where i maybe won’t be the smartest kid in the room. one where my bosses don’t sing my praises all day long. that’s so stupid, so stupid, but i’m really scared of it. i feel like i’m inevitably gonna fail because it feels like everyone thinks i’m smarter or more talented than i actually am. i don’t know anything about anything like!!!!!

anyway, that was a big deal. but also..... i feel like... stronger, now. and braver than i’ve been in a really long time. some of my friends knew last year that i’d had an incomplete, but they all thought i had “resolved” that issue. but i told two of them this week that i still hadn’t graduated, and that was humiliating but.... good. and i didn’t think too much of it until my therapist was like “omg!!!!! katie!!!!!! that’s huge!!!!! you’ve been carrying around this secret so heavily i’m so proud of you!!!” and that just made me realize how right she was and i just cried harder. i had been carrying it, and it is a big deal.

and i think i’m going to email my professor tomorrow. not tonight. i’m giving myself tonight to be scared, but i’m setting a time tomorrow to send that email. and take that step forward. and that’s a even bigger deal for me. like, earth-shattering changes-everything kind of big deal.

(i’m like full sobbing now lol)

anyway i was like crying nonstop in therapy today as we talked about things. and how proud she was of me for being so brave, and how happy i was with myself, and how awake i felt, and i was realizing so much about myself and having these Grand Epiphanies 

and i’ve made my therapist tear up before because she genuinely cares which is part of what i love about her, but like, she full-on cried a little with me today and she was like “omg i never cry with clients ahhh” and it was very cute i feel like she is basically me but a therapist lol but it just made me cry more because i was so touched 

and she laughed a little and was like, “this feels like a video game! you know cause we always talk about them. it feels like you’re the heroine of a video game and you’re finally starting to be in the moment”

and god idk that made me cry even more

and like.. it was good crying. it was happy crying. it was crying that was coming from somewhere i didn’t know wanted or needed to cry. it felt like my soul had just been cleansed, like it had showered and washed away grime. like i was an egg that had been cracked open and could breathe

and i feel so light, and clean, and hopeful, and proud, and it’s just a really big deal right now i guess. (still crying)

i feel like i’m on the edge of something. and i wanna take that leap, not into darkness and depression but into... light. that’s what it feels like. and it feels really, really good.

anyway uhhh i’m a mess right now. in a good way. i gots ta go eat dinner and then i think i’m gonna go walk in the park. i used to love the park but i haven’t been in a while, and i’m really feeling a good ole lay down in the grass and listening to music and just let myself cry and feel good.

(also, i had to stop by the tailor right after my therapy appointment to do my second fitting for my bridesmaid alterations and LOL my makeup was super smeared and my eyes were glossy red and my face was all blotchy i could tell the tailor was concerned but she didn’t say anything it was very awkward lol anyway)

i don’t know how to punctuate this post lol. i guess i just wanna say.. 

i feel good today. and that feels really, really, really good.