#low and no empathy is associated most with autism personality disorders & trauma

[samgirlie-gn]

No/Low-Empathy Sam - A Character Study

I don't know if I consider this a real headcanon - it's more theoretical, really. I'm personally low-empathy and wrote this to project/cope.

(1.3k words)

Sam knew from a young age that he was different, even if he didn’t understand how or why. Even as a young child he didn’t cry at sad moments in Disney movies – when Mufasa died and Dean was trying his hardest to hide his tears and save face, Sam wasn’t feeling much of anything. When a classmate cried, he didn’t feel pangs of sympathy – he just froze up, not sure what to say or do. What does one say to someone who lost a loved one? Is he supposed to care about some kid’s parents’ divorce? He once got angry and pushed another kid, and when the boy skinned his knee and cried he just felt… nothing. He felt something when a teacher came over to check on the boy: fear of being sent to the Principal’s office. Fear of consequences – reason enough to not do it again.

When his father came home in bad shape, mourning a difficult hunt and lives lost, Dean always seemed to know what to say and do. Luckily, less was expected from Sam as the younger son, but when Dean wasn’t around to help he tended to avoid their father. He didn’t know how to help carry the weight of the man’s burdens. He could never quite relate to the drive that pushed him to avenge his wife’s death – Sam felt nothing towards his mother. He never knew her, was too young to have memories of her, so why would he mourn? How could he really relate to his father’s feelings?

When Dean was hurt, Sam felt worry about him until he could confirm his brother would survive. He made sure that the injury wasn’t severe as he patched Dean up with young hands that shouldn’t be so accustomed to the task. Sam knew he loved his brother, more than he knew anything, but even Dean’s sorrow on the anniversary of their mother’s death wasn’t enough to make Sam cry. Dean saw nothing wrong; as far as he was concerned, Sam was perfect. He saw the best in him with something approximating an unconditional mother’s love.

But Sam feared himself. Feared that he wasn’t normal, that he was evil, that one day he would do something impulsive and destructive and feel no grief for it. To teachers, he was a “good kid” – a little quiet, but conscientious and well-mannered. But no matter how much praise a teacher heaped on, he couldn’t brush off the feeling that something was very wrong with him.

He’d learned a sense of right and wrong from Dad's teachings and Dean’s example; Dean, despite his macho façade, had greater feelings of empathy than Sam did. If Sam was gifted with one thing it was a fundamental desire to be good, to be the hero and not the villain. That desire kept him within the constraints of a carefully constructed morality. He flagellated himself with his own shame until his outside behavior hardly matched his inside.

As he aged, he learned. He watched the way people addressed others’ feelings, in movies and in real life. He learned how to express sympathy, how to lay on the pathos until those around him viewed him as perfectly kind and empathetic. And he felt like an imposter, a liar, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. His ability to act only made him more conscious of what was missing on a deeper level, that implicit care and empathy people seemed to have for others. If someone’s crisis was similar to something he’d experienced in the past, he could call upon his own memories: what would have made him feel better when it happened to him? But it was still an intellectual exercise more than anything else.

Jess was the first and only person he broke down and told.

“I don’t… feel things, for other people. I mean I’m capable of love, I think—no, I know I am. But when other people are upset I’m just… not. I don’t know how to deal with other people’s feelings. Sometimes I just feel… empty. I think something’s wrong with me. I can’t fix it, I can’t make myself feel what I’m supposed to feel and I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I’m scared that I’m evil, deep down. It's like something in me is missing.”

Jess was encouraging.

“Sam, you’re one of the kindest people I know. You’re so sweet to me when I’m upset, whether you ‘get it’ or not. Isn’t that what matters? How you treat people? Even if you’re a little different, you’re a good guy, Sam. I promise.”

It really didn’t make him feel any better.

When Jess died, Sam began to understand much better how that kind of loss felt for other people. Or rather, he knew how it felt for him and then could extrapolate it to victims’ families. His ability to “fake it” made him a better hunter; Dean even began to view him as the one who was better at handling grieving people, often letting him take the lead in that department. But with every bit of false care and sentiment he directed at others, Sam felt a sour taste in his mouth. He wished more than anything that any of it was real.

When he found out about the demon blood that tainted him as a child, Sam began to suspect that he’d finally found the reason why he was the way he was. There was just a bit of Demon inside of him, just a bit of unfeeling and cold calculation. He couldn’t confirm this really, but it seemed unlikely that it wasn’t related. He wondered what kind of person he would have been had Azazel not interfered. Maybe he wouldn’t have spent his entire life feeling like something was deeply wrong with him.

Sam never knew for sure why he was so good at fighting the pull towards evil, better than Ava and the other Special Children. But if he had to guess, he’d suspect that fighting his nature for his entire childhood gave him a lot of skill and practice for denying his darker impulses. That bit of coldness inside of him was fully overcome by the ever-present need to feel just a little less evil, just a little less broken. And he had Dean’s example to follow – a man who didn’t always do right, but always tried.

When Sam regained his soul and had to contend with memories of being soul-less, he was most disturbed by the similarities between himself and that self. Of course, with his soul he helped people, made choices out of an intellectual construction of morality. Being soul-less took away the love he had, for Dean and close loved ones, but when dealing with strangers things weren’t so different. He didn’t lose empathy – he just lost the desire to fake having it, unless he absolutely had to for a case. He got a little worse at pretending, as he found "better" things to put his time and energy toward.

Fundamentally, Sam developed a Complex – he believed more than anything that if he ever forgave himself, if he ever felt positive feelings towards himself, he might lose the shame that drove him to be good. Without his constant self-flagellation he might become not so different from his soul-less self. And that was something he could never, ever risk. This was his burden, a weight he could never put down. Eventually, in a twisted sort of way he accepted it. This was him whether he liked it or not. All he could do was pretend to be something else, and maybe Jess was right – by doing that he was showing some backwards, convoluted version of Goodness.

[autistic--rory-blog]

writing autistic characters

a lot of people ask me about writing autistic characters and specifically nonverbal ones so heres some tips

avoid functioning labels. high/low functioning are harmful labels and are used to silence autistics. high functioning is used to say that “you arent autistic enough to have a say” and low functioning is used to say that “you cant think for yourself”

aspergers is the same as autism. it is usually used as another way to say “high functioning” but autism is autism. some people do identify with the asperger/aspie label more then autism and thats ok as long as they arent using it for aspie supremacy stuff (thinking aspies are better then the “other” autistics or using that label to not be associated with autistic people)

being nonverbal and stimming are not the only traits. there is a massive range of traits autistic people can have. look at atypical traits for good long lists that arent just the stereotypical traits

not everyone is a savant or is really good at maths. i honestly dont know any autistic savants and i only know a few people who are exremely good at maths. there are a lot of autistic people who were considered “gifted” at school and if you want to look into that research twice exceptional. but i also know a lot of autistic people who arent good at school at all

we do not “suffer” from autism. yes there are some autistic traits that suck but that doesnt mean we suffer from it. “autistic person” is most commonly prefered but some do prefer “person with autism” or not have a preference

autistic people are born autistic. we do not “develop” autism at any age. we are born that way but might not show it obviously until later on. diagnosis doesnt change who we are either. were still the same person just with a label for things now

not understanding anything. this is one that is commonly applied to nonverbal people but we really do understand what your saying even if we dont always show it. 

lack of feelings/emotions. another one commonly applied to nonverbal people but can also be used for verbal ones. we all have feelings but it can be hard to show them. it can also be hard to identify which emotion you are feeling (alexithymia)

autism is not a illness. autism is a developmental disability or neurodevelopmental disorder

avoid mental ages. this is one that almost every noverbal person has had as a label. it is extremely ableist and not good. someone does not have the mind of an “x” year old. they are the age they are but with a developmental disorder or intellectual disability (or both) or whatever else

avoid aba unless it is specifically said that its a bad thing. aba  is abuse and torture and causes massive amounts of trauma. it is not a good thing

stimming and infodumping is a good thing. stimming is our way to regulate our emotions and help our sensory issues (but it can have no reason and thats fine) and without it we can have destructive behaviours. infodumping is a good part of having special interests (another good thing) and treating it as a bad thing is not good

being nonverbal isnt a bad thing. it took me a long time to accept that i am nonverbal so you can have internal badness or whatever but other people should not see being nonverbal as a bad thing (whether temporarily or not)

young white nonverbal people are not the only autistics. literally anyone can be autistic. that means people from every culture from every race from every gender from every sexuality from every age

nonverbal people dont communicate. even if people dont use aac they still communicate with their behaviours. and there are so many forms of aac as well that a lot of nonverbal people do end up communicating with one but if they dont then thats fine to

we all have no empathy. almost all of the autistic people i know have really high empathy even though i have almost none. also adding on to this were not all rude and mean to everyone like some media shows. ive never met any autistic person like that (but unfortunately they do exist) so please dont write that because it just pushes the stereotype further