#lovelifewhatever

[kebun-ceri]

Dear myself,

I'm sorry that everyday you have to wake up in the same body and the same brain that gives you worse decisions and constantly lead your life into a mess. I am sorry that you always get dragged into wrong priorities. I am sorry that everyday your life is hell cause you make it so. I am sorry that your life could be better if you're not bad at making decision. I am sorry that you can't blame anyone for not being able to achieve your goals, your dream uni, your life plan, because you're the one ruined them. I am sorry that you have nothing to look forward to anymore. I am sorry that you will probably not being able to see your loved ones in the near future. I am sorry that probably this year you will stuck in the same circumstances. I am sorry that everything sucks. I am sorry for everything. I hope I can give you positive words but nothing matters anyore.

I am sorry. But please don't give up. I know you feel like dying but please...at least survive this.

[kebun-ceri]

My adult life will be spent more effectively on important things if I dont have to spend most of the time given to figure out how I suppose to act and behave, which supposedly learnt during my younger days and if my parents had a better parenting system.

[kebun-ceri]

Bonjour.

Hey. How’s everybody doing? It’s been a while and I gotta say that I’ve been missing this platform so much. Too much actually.

Today,  gather you folks my (probably) non-existent followers here to announce that I am.................not having a baby. LOL. Yea, that picture attached above? I just had a sonogram because I’m getting excessive bleeding apart from my menstruation. That sucks. 

So, just like any other health problems that I suffered usually, it derives from two things: stress and lack of exercise.

To my defense, UM WHO ON EARTH HAVE TIME FOR TIME FOR EXERCISING IN THIS FAST PACE WORLD? Everyone but me, probably. I just....of all the things I can give up to make room for my acclaimed packed schedules, it just had to be exercise. I don’t know why I have to be so hesitant about investing my time to exercise. It has been decided unilaterally by me that it’s just not my thing, and yet most of my health issues derived from that. My bad.

The second thing, which didn’t catch me off guard, is the stress. I mean, the majority of my problems are probably derived from that. Well, who wouldn’t with the current situation of my life right now. As much as I want to be grateful and positive, it is a mess. 

I’ve been working at the law firm that i am in currently for a year now. And I can tell you, I am stressed out. It might not the busiest law firm on the block, but it has pressure just as much. And to me, it’s not worth it. Not when you’re just a junior level but being trusted to handle a big project which you or anyone else involved are lack of experiences to that. Not when you handle a project which the counterpart themselves are not cooperative and you are left confused over every single thing. Not when you are given a task, which you have no experience at all, and your work considered a presentable piece and you were blamed when it’s not. I can list down the whole things that went wrong with what I consider as my occupation. I don’t blame the institution for being a newly established firm, everybody has to start somewehere anyway. But the confusing system and the unclear command are what make it seems irrelevant. I am tired. First few months were okay, but after a year it exhausts me. I blame how greedy I was for being employed just because my other friends already did. This is what I always feared of: not enjoying what I am doing. And now it happens. Not all the blames shall be credited to the said firm. My lack of passion in doing my job has also playing the biggest role to that. I am thinking of resigning and even told my mom about that. But the fear of being unemployed has haunted me ever since I decided to do so. But staying there also not the best option. In short, either way I’m screwed.

The family situation is also not really in the best condition. Well, it usually isn’t anyway. My parents are not the people who will got my back immediately before being a judgemntal people. Yes, as much as i am grateful to have them, they’re not the best people to live with. If I bound to some kind of problems, difficulties, or failure in my life, they’re the ones who will put the blame on me instead of asking, “what happened?”. They will be accusing me of a long list of why I encountered problems like, “This is because you missed praying”, “This is because you hang out too much.”, “This is because you are this or that...”. Some are make sense, some are irrelevant. Like today, when the doctor gave me verdict that my bleeding was caused by stress and PROBABLY lack of exercise, you know what my mom said (yes, this is not interrogative sentence). “It’s because you sleep all the time.” How did I sleeping all the time when I work from 8-5 and yes I took time to sleep more on the weekend because I got lack of sleep on weekdays? And for a woman who had experienced a kid with autism sympton, doesn’t she aware that depression leads a person to get more sleep? She doesn’t even questioning on why I feel stressed. Oh, she really doesn’t have to when being in the family itself is the cause of my stress. Not to mention, when  explained to my dad that the probability I always failed to get employed by big companies were due to my personal quality resulted from psychological tests. And he said, “Keep trying!”. Yes, and what if I got fired afterwards? What if they found something wrong with me? WHAT IF I WAS A PSYCHO? Ya Allah...how am i going to resign after this?

I don’t know what phase in my life I am going through right now, but it’s tough man. They said, do not search for happiness. Make one. And I did. But it didn’t last long. Deep down I always know that the only source of happiness is God, but He also capable of turn everything upside down. So I don’t know what to do. When I’m happy, I also afraid it will be taken away. When I’m sad, I work so hard looking for happiness. It’s an endless cycle and it drained me out. 

Well, I feel bad for sharing such negative writing because it spreads negative vibe too. But writing has always been my kind of stress reliever and I couldn’t stop ask myself why did I stop doing so these past year. In addition, with the smaller friends circle and having almost nobody to talk to except Allah SWT, I guess this is a good way to start over again. So, thank you tumblr for always being my space.

And for whoever out there who experience the same problems as I do, I hope you find strength. Adios.

[kebun-ceri]

i know it’s not wise questioning my fortune and luck in life.

but.

sometimes i wonder, how do people receive such a great fortune and luck in life while i, instead of not being the one who has the privilege to receive them, being the very least fortunate and lucky if i may say. by the term least, i mean it was very unfortunate and clearly unlucky. 

today, i found out a girl had her chance to pose with my and her bias in such cutie way (they’re making a heart sign together). while me, on the other hand getting the very edge position and not even had any members behind me. life is that cruel and i always wonder why the gap is so so so wide. as much as i avoid to say this, this is unfair. so unfair.

i have always been taught and understand that whatever happens in life it’s what meant to be. it is what God allows. 

but as a human being, can i, in the middle of any other unfortunate events and misery that i’m going through, at least be genuinely happy about something without having to feel weighed or uneasy? can i at least getting the luck and happiness like what others get? can i at least having myself and my bias taking picture side by side because i probably won’t have the energy to support them, not to mention to follow them around and attending all their schedules? can i at least have a good memory to be kept for the sake of the future with my bias? so in case i won’t be supporting him again, i know that i always have something i can keep in mind. eventhough i know like the back of my hand that he won’t remember a thing about me. 

this post probably look so desperate but that’s just how it is. just tell my future self, who i hope her life is a lot better than what i had today, that you used to be in this phase. so in love and so desperate for your bias. and i hope she will only giggle or laughing, because it’s been in the past and she doesn’t need to do this anymore.

Tiara in the future: i hope your life is so much better than this in any way. this is ridiculous. so ridiculous i wish it’ll get over soon. i hope you’re happy in the future, because that’s what really matters.

[kebun-ceri]

How does it feels like to have your parents divorce?

A frightening question for a family of course. But don't they questioned it for at least once at some point, do they? As for mine, it's been circulated for several times in the span of 20 years. My family, as ugly as it sounds, is a dysfunctional one if i may say. I just found out quite recent, only few years ago, when I compared mine to others and i was like, "there's something wrong with this family". There's never been a normal communication, and the amount of secrets being kept makes me anxious. Also, i just realized that both my parents were never present emotionally as parents to me. It was as if they're just acting as one, without really functioned so. By the amount of how my mother hurts, and how verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive my father is, I thought maybe separation is better rather than seeing them hurt themselves or even more hurt me and my brother. We always tried to just put it aside but turns out the wounds stack themselves and we're just waiting until they burst like a time bomb. But when the question resurfaces, I realized, I don't think i can cope with that. I am devastated. As bad as they seem, my parents are the only thing that I have. I don't have anyone else but them. And it hurts so much more thinking about that. It's just not about being taken away from your comfort zone, or even financial things. They matter but not what pain me the most. I am afraid of the incompleteness, the void that cannot be filled with money or anything, the loss of someone that not actually gone, only left. I don't know if i can cope with that, not to mention the aftermath of that. I don't know... I've seen plenty of living proof that you can actually survive the disaster of divorce. My ex, dozens of my friends, my cousin, they made it through. They didn't break down, they live happily. They even live better. And i think to myself, "sure i can make it too". But on the second thought, can i really? I know, i know i probably sound like a bad kid for talking bad about my own family but i don't know anyone or anywhere else to talk. I am feeling lonely. I don't know if anyone read this but i am in dire need of your pray. For better or worse, please send your prayer. Thank you in advance.

[kebun-ceri]

"The Realms of Day and Night. Two different worlds coming from two different poles."

Nowadays, I was surprised by my own self of how different my point of view, my priorities, and my idealism in life have changed. They went upside down,180 degrees, you name it. 3 years ago, my conservative state of mind only wanted one thing and one thing only: getting married at young age, and ditches my job for family. Such a developing-country-woman mind,doesn't it? Now,i ditch all those thoughts because I wanna extend the my career period for, you know, self satisfaction. Well, to be honest, in the span of 3 years i understand that marriage isn't only an appropriation between man and woman, families, and understanding. It's more complicated than that. I don't even know where to begin, from the fear of having my freedom confiscated until the fear of incapability of taking care my future kids. I don't denote these things bilndly, I evaluated them throughout various experiences, including mine. My family, if a mess is inappropriate to describe it, isn't something that I aspire to have in the future. And that's why i keep thinking that marriage is probably not, if not never, my number one priority. So i alter it into something else. But i'm not gonna lie, i wanna get married. I always envy those people who get to marry because they're finally not alone anymore. They have found their significant others. It's something that i've always wanted to have. Significant other. A soulmate, a partner, a best friend. Frankly, 2016 has almost been a lonely year for me. I don't know, every aspects of my life this year speaks loneliness. I'm fine with loneliness, but it'd be great to have someone to come home to or having someone to cuddle at night when I'm scared. But, everytime i think about it reality hits me. I realized marriage is not always sunshine and rainbows, that's why it scares me too. Maybe it's not an easy journey for me. Maybe it's longer than i thought. But i'm not giving up to find that poor guy who has to spend the rest of my life with my fuss and my love. I always pray to Allah that he has the strength to do so.

[kebun-ceri]

Love Lost

so, i just got-- no, i just found a news today. about my long lost 8-years crush. he’s getting married next month. when i found out about that, my heart died a little inside. i don’t know whether it’s because of the fact that he’s getting married or the fact that i am nowhere to equal his plan. 

i am broken heart.

there’s no reason to not being broken-hearted. i’ve devoted my feelings for him for more or less 8 years, and if i may say it’s not just a simple crush i have generated. my old foolish self would believe it was true love and we’ll be together in the end. now that i reminisence how tacky and stupid the concept of me so devoted to him, i can only giggles. there were days when i pray in the middle of the night that i will end up with him and be together until death do us apart, or when i played a scenario inside my head in where we’re finally married, have cute little children and live happily ever after. well, not that i’m losing hope but i’ve given up that wishes like four years ago when my realistic and sober self finally took over and said, “well, this isn’t going anywhere”, and i’ll be happier if that person would be someone that Allah has kept for me. i like surprises anyway. 

so when this news happens, i am a bit relieved.

knowing that it won’t be him giving me hopes on anyone better than him. anyone that Allah has paired me up in the lauhul mahfudz. a partner for life. and a best friend.

speaking of partner for life, well i’m that person who always believe that life is full of surprises. his soon-to-be-wife is a person whom i’ve known for years. she’s not a friend, but she’s a friend of my friends so she’s not practically a stranger to me. same goes with me to her, i suppose? who would’ve thought that she’s going to end up with her? no one, but Allah i’m sure. i was so sure that he’s going to end up with my cousin, despite of my confidence in the past that he’s going to end up with me. the reason was because him and my cousin have been a best friend for like a decade or so. they have vowed to each other if they didn’t find anyone until the expected marriage age, they’ll get married to themselves. and i always believe that he has generated feelings on her because my cousin used to told me that he almost confessed to her. well, maybe this is the reason why he didn’t confess at the time. and i’m so relieve that they don’t end up with each other, because that would be a mess for everytime i see them together it will be a reminder of how foolish and stupid a person can be when they fall in love, including me. 

anyway, in order to congratulate him i’ll type sort of a letter for him. here we go:

Hey,Fit. i heard you’re getting married. well, congratulation in advance. i hope evrerything goes well for you and her. i am happy for you, eventhough it stings a little. i know i have never become someone who is enough for you. i know, eventhough i usually denied it. but, don’t worry. it doesn’t matter to me anymore. i hope she takes care of you, and you take a good care of her too. have a blessed marriage. you deserve her.

[kebun-ceri]

This marked as a year.

Today, a year ago, I was having a post graduation euphoria because I just finished law school the day before, 10th December 2014. I thought that was the end….or the beginning of my new journey. Turns out it’s not. A year later, which is today, I have myself contemplating on what I’m going to do with my life. Where I’m going to go. What I want to become. How my life will end up. I am clueless. Totally clueless. I don’t have a projection of how my future will become. I can say that I am desperate. But, I won’t say that I’m hopeless. Because, I’m not. Because, all I ever know and all I ever sure is that Allah will showing me the right path for me, sooner or later. I don’t know what it is, but I know it’s the best for me because He chose it. So, here I am. Waiting for that day, believing each and every day it will come and try not losing hope. Wallahualam bi sawab…

[kebun-ceri]

Blue Moon

WToday, on 31st July 2015, there’s a rare event in the sky which called Blue Moon. The moon itself isn’t colored blue as the name is. It’s called like that because of the rare occurrence of the second full moon this July. But the hype was enough to get me off my bed, went to the street and looked up to the sky.

At the time, I just realized something. That was probably my first time looking up to the night sky since...I don’t know...ages? And it was beautiful.

I used to watching the night sky a lot when I was a kid. When I lived at my old grandparents’ house to be specific. Their house was pretty huge and spacious. They have quite huge open spaces, that’s why I could easily watching the night sky with my uncle back then. It was fun, a bit terrifying, and peaceful. But, since I moved from there, I barely watching the night sky anymore. Not in purpose at least. Whereas, I always claimed myself as a space fetish. But it’s such a shame that a person who claimed herself loving space barely look up to the sky.

One day, when I have kids, I’d take them to watch the night sky just like what my uncle did when I was a kid. Either by doing it through a camping or just simply watching it in our own lawn.

perhaps, you should ask yourself too. When was the last time you look up to the sky at night and realize how beautiful the moon is?

[kebun-ceri]

Happiness

“고민은 Blow Up 꿀꿀한 기분 Change up 힘을 내려고 이제 Wind up 한 방에 멋진 일이 가득 Straight up 난 매일 더 Style up 기분 up 되는 일에 집중 내가 행복하게 사는 비결을 좀 말해볼까.” - Happiness (Red Velvet)

Man, to be honest I don’t even know what those lyrics mean. Well, I know a bit since I was just read the english version of it. However, this song is kind of representing my life lately. Why? Here’s the story.

So, lately I’ve been contaminated by K-Pop. Well, we all know how contagious that fever called K-Pop with the complication of hallyu stars. All the people around me will normally asking this, “How do you end up liking K-Pop?”, usually with cringe and a look of confusion in their eyes. And I always answer, “I don’t even know” while laughing also crying. Frankly, I had no idea…at all. If it was because my colleagues are toxic my mind with K-Pop, well I know I have such persistence over the years for I surrounded by friends who are Korean die hard fans and I know I was never fell for that so easily. If it’s because a jinx that I used to mock it, well maybe a bit. I never hated K-Pop so hard because I know and I have my favorites for years, eventhough I never publicly claimed myself for liking their music. I am an on-off VIP, means I like Bigbang for YEARS (I like them since 2009, I guess that quite lasts). I also biased on Choi Siwon of Super Junior since senior year of high school. In term of K-Drama, I’ve been a fan for it since junior high school. Goong or Princess Hours will always be my favorite drama and I tell you this, Kim Jeong Hoon was my very first oppa omoooo. The bottom line is, Korean entertainment was never a strange stuff to me. I’ve been trying to associate my life with it for so long, eventhough it’s not as hardcore as nowadays. If it’s because the boys, well……WHO DOESN’T FALL FOR THOSE FACE??? I mean, I realize sometimes in life you need a pinch of those pretty boys with their aegyo or them telling us how much they love us, though we all know that’s never true like the back of our hands. Not to mention how good their voices are (uhm, excuse me but frankly the only K-Pop singer who I found has the best quality of voice is only Do Kyungsoo. Period.) and how crazily contagious their dances are. Oh yeah, to me their dances are important for I am that person who likes to impersonate a dance move juseyo. But, if I had to answer the question truthfully and seriously, well, I still don’t know. Objectively, I still find them tacky. There I said it. Their music aren’t really on the best quality to make people go awe. Their dance moves are great, but who needs dancing everytime? Like, aren’t they panting or something. And their system of training and recruitment, OH, the worst. And I actually hate their dramas. Uh. No.

So, why do I end up liking them?

Hmm…this morning I lurked on my Path. Tracking back my life back then. Thinking how cool I was listening to those kind of alternative musics and indie movies. I realized I was so into electronic music back then, always listening to, not far from, Disclosure, AlunaGeorge, etc. Having those playlist that no one gives a love, frown or smile. Back then, I deemed that as indie seal approval. The least people give reaction to that, the indier it will be. I am that kind of person, and still do, who doesn’t like to have a common things with anyone. Especially for clothes. I guess that affects my taste in music, movies, and also places to hangout. Looking back to my posts made me smirk a bit. Those are really cool, with some lyrics to bait someone on my friend list. But the thing is, I wasn’t happy. It was all cool but I was not happy. Having something you like with no one to share is lonely. Liking Bombay Bicycle Club but not knowing where to buy their official merchandise nearest or being Frengers with no one I can go to their concert with. Cool but unhappy. Not to mention how I liked filling up my brain with overthinking thoughts and angst. Perhaps I thought I was happy. Just perhaps.

But since I liked K-pop, things turn out differently. Like, a huge difference. I am happy. I am gladly saying that. It’s a sincere and honest happiness. I don’t know why but everything about K-Pop is entertaining me nowadays. Well, yes there were some complex and mixed up emotions because somehow when you sign up for this you also sign up for emotional attachment which is really confusing. But hey, I never had drama in my life for too long. I know it sounds wrong, I guess Allah SWT sending me happiness through K-Pop…..which is also a trial for not loving someone too hard or, as you know, you’ll eventually get hurt. I know it’s not a true form of happiness but I’m happy. I’m happy to have PCY as my imaginary boyfriend. I’m happy that I have a list of songs I gladly sing at the karaoke eventhough I’m not really recite them. I’m happy that I can cry over D.O.’s injury and how everyday I fall in love with different boys as I pleased (Jin, you’re next). I’m happy that I can make my own ff for Channie and shower him with poets and made up stories and sweet words. I’m happy because they made me careless enough to my ex and not fussed about whether he keeps coming back or not. Truthfully, it doesn’t matter anymore because perhaps that’s the best for us. We keep coming back and forth and holding on each other for too long without having a destination to be reached. I’m so happy until I gained weight for 7kg. I'm happy that now I have something I can share with 400.000 girls all around the world, knowing that I have list of friend whom I'd like to take with me whenever EXO held a concert in my country, or when I bumped into Kim Soohyun picture in Tours Le Jours. Well happiness isn’t always last forever, and I hope this is just a phase. Oh I do hope so. I hope one day, few years later, I will looking back to my fangirl-phase moment and thinking to myself of how I could drown myself into that dark pit. I hope one day I look back to myself and thinking how silly I was rooting for those boys and how happy I am that time.

But today, I’m happy with this. Oh-so happy.

[kebun-ceri]

J: Hai, SH!

T: ...

J: Aku nggak tau nama kamu, jadi aku panggil SH aja. Kamu udah SH kan? Oh iya, nama kamu siapa?

T: Tiara. Kamu?

J: *his name* Kamu mantannya X, kan?

T: Siapa tuh, X?

J: Alah, bohong banget...

T: *leaves immediately*

This was the shittiest conversation I had today. Perhaps, one of the shittiest in my life. How come a person begin a conversation with new people by associating them with their past, not to mention their ex(es)? These kind of people are the worst. They are those who cannot move on, not the associated person, nor the said person. To those who starts conversation with other person like this, go fuck yourself. I understand that they have nothing in common but the person who happens to be both your ex and his friend. But, how worst their public speaking can be until they came up with the most sentiment thing for the other party? Yes perhaps you don't give a damn anymore about your past. But, that doesn't justify their awful act on making us reminiscing our past even for a second. It's like asking how much salary you make per month or asking your GPA as a conversation starter. It's awful. And this kind of person is dead to me.

To those who ever did this, i'm telling you... You've never been in their shoes, you never knew how much pain they have endure, you never knew how much struggle they have made to erase that certain person until you came up with his name. Don't do that. It's inappropriate.

I apologize for this temper tantrum. I just feel the need to remind everyone about this. This might not important but I'm just trying to remind every each one of you that you still have a heart, not only to pumps blood, but also to have sympathy to others. This world has been cruel enough to be ruled by heartless people. Let's make it less awful, even for a person, by getting your lips ridden by brain and heart. Not by uncivilized behavior. I'm not some kind of behavioral/public relation expert, but let's just be honest, being kind is not some kind of rocket science. It's easy if you use your heart.

[kebun-ceri]

Hello.

so, today i had this weird distraction. i look up to my Path timeline and bumped into my ex's post. my long-ago ex. my high school ex. my puppy-love-but-acted-as-if-it-lasts-forever ex. so,i bravely ask him by personal message the place he's in that time. then, i had this thing came up inside my head:

so far, i never lost touch with my exes. almost all of them. one of them still had unfinished business with me, that explains a lot of things going on. but i had this one ex. since we broke up, we promised to stay in touch. but actually never did. that bastard telling that bullshit, and now i wonder about him.

i end up searching for him through social medias where he's possibly exist. i found him on Path. i gasped. there's a strange feelings i had that time. i kinda miss him. not in a romantic way, but in a surprising way. it's just too bad that we had a relationship that didn't bring us to a better relation. it's just too bad that we lost in touch. it's just too bad that at the very last moment we could possibly see each other, we never spoke a word. always, when there's a moment like this, i always think to myself, "we should never meet at all". so we don't end up this poorly. the last time i met him is on 2010, which is 4 years ago. well we never really meet each other. we just passing by at each other. even when he's my boyfriend, we never really have a relationship thing. our relationship is a joke. and he's an asshole. but now i miss him. is it possible that in some way we met each other but never realize because we haven't seen each other for years, so we're just passing by at each other? that thought just got me so sad.

the last time i checked, he had a girlfriend. it surprisingly lasts for a while. he's a jerk when he's with me, and still a jerk after with me. he's the whole mistakes. he's a boy who deserve my girlfriends mocks. he's just so blah. but when we both got into different college, he had a girlfriend and they lasts. it was made me happy. Allah SWT always capable of making people change in just a blink. deep down in my heart, i wish they would settle down because i can't imagine how many other girls should bear a weight of broken heart caused by him. though, perhaps he's not that asshole anymore. but that relationship is also so long ago. i don't know how they are today. i wonder what he's up to right now...

just like what Ted Mosby said,"if you have somebody you want to keep around, you do something about it."

do not let them lost in touch. do not jeopardize your relationship.

[kebun-ceri]

a lover who was born as a fighter

i'm a lover, not a fighter. that is what i always believe. my purpose and only purpose is to love not to fight, because i'm such a bad fighter. turns out, Allah shows me otherwise. most of my life is a battle, and frankly i am a bad lover.

for example, these most times. i always wanted to settle down. it's true. sometimes, i'm thinking to myself that i just want to leave these whole shits about life and achievement and being a stay-home wife and mom instead. doesn't it feels nice to know that you'll never have to be alone again because you already have someone to stay by your side for the rest of your life? i'm not a bad housekeeper actually. i feel like i'm ready. and by the way my friends -at the precise age as i am- already settle down, i think to myself, "hey, if they can so do i". despite of their maturity, because i know some of them are not mature enough to live a marriage life. and some of them actually have a great capability to be more than just a wife/mom. if those who have great potency settle down that easily, then why me with all my average specs should wait any longer?

but then, Allah proves me otherwise as well. everytime i thought i was ready to get married, more challenges get in the way. somehow, those challenges build me up, adding more capability and experiences to me, upgrading my quality as a human being, and urging me to pursue more. sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's harder and almost impossible. however, surprisingly they're through. i survived. then, i know what Allah has destined to me. i was destined to live more. to have more to live. to have more than just settling down to a random guy. i was prepared to be more than i am today. i was intended for something big. bigger than what i achieved today. so, nowadays i live as something big is going to come. because it is coming. i live not just for settling down, but for something beyond my shallow mind. and somehow, at the corner of that big thing, there's a man waiting for me because he's meant for me and because he's worth it. so, i don't surrender. i move on. i have more to live and great responsibilities upon my shoulders. i have people who rely on me and i have no time to sobs about it. now, that i accept this destiny, it makes more sense now. i am a fighter, and a lover as well.

[kebun-ceri]

"I have the rest of my life to find out..." - Edward Bloom

[kebun-ceri]

this is the reason i've been figuring out lately

[kebun-ceri]

sometimes, i feel like i need someone whom as crazy as i am. someone who brave enough to step further. someone who brave enough to take a bold step even without any preparation. someone who is ready to challenge everything that come towards. someone who believe that ,eventhough this seem impossible, he will face it all because Allah always guide him. someone who is willing to hold my hand to face everything in the future and promise that we'll standing tall no matter what happen. someone who is willing to work together with me and help ourselves to get up whenever we fall. someone who is willing to climb with me from nothing into something.

yeah, as crazy as i am. then he will be my forever bestfriend. a friend for the rest of my life.