#loved this bit bc it’s one of the first portions to give us insight on his reflections

[dearmyloveleys]

aw man reading this portion in the first bit of mdzs in the og text, giving it my own translation and feeling bittersweet:

[WWX]

“魏无羡提起湿淋淋的手掌，就着溪水，一点一点抹去这不知是在嘲笑谁的粉饰。

并非无法承受。毕竟当初做出选择时，就已无比清楚，今后将面对的是什么道路。只记住云梦江氏教给他的东西，记住那一句家训——“明知不可而为之”。

只是自以为心若顽石，却终究人非草木。”

Wei Wuxian raised a wet palm by the stream. Bit by bit, he wiped away the powder makeup, its deriding laughter he wasn’t sure was directed at whom.

It was not that he couldn’t bear it. After all, when he made the decision back then, there was nothing clearer, about what the path he’d face thereafter would be like. He only remembered the things that Yunmeng Jiang Sect taught him, remembered that one line of the Sect motto — “Turn what you know is impossible into a possibility.”/“Attempt it even when you know it’s impossible.”

It was only that he thought the heart was like stone, but at the end of it all, people still were not plants and trees.

[funarisjournal]

Here's a thought: How about a chapter or a scene in a chapter that kinda gives us a further peek into that time Kasuga finally escaped her toxic situation? Not only would it give us a little insight to her at the time, but also a look into the trials and tribulations that a single, young, barely adult woman would have to go through to live on her own. Like...Nagumo seems to be doing fine in both versions of the story (manga doesn't go into it, really, but in the drama, it's implied she's got some help during her unemployment time, even if her family was pushing with the food deliveries at times), but Kasuga basically ran away. Stealthily, but she did. We know she took advantage of her graduating and moving onto college to pick a place far away from them. We know she got a hand-me-down car from other relatives, so she probably talked to them about where she was going. Probably some interesting half-truth talks going around, eh? But like...has she always had the one apartment? Or did she start out with one that her family helped with (bc college)? She probably tried to find a job asap because she would need to support herself. The less ties back to her family, the better.

And obviously, she cut those ties via ghosting at some point, just from the sounds of the convo she was having with her dad in vol 3, anyway. A different cutting-off than what she decided to do there. There would have to be some struggling for a bit, I'm sure (financially, I mean).

Kasuga is written in a way that, at first, she really had to think smart in order to survive. She is free but she's not entirely free, yet. She probably pushed those thoughts further back as the years went on, but they were probably always there in the background. And then it all came back when those damn calls started happening.

But oops. I guess I kinda digressed a bit there. Point is, I want to see the initial journey to freedom from Kasuga. Bonus thought: to lighten up the mood - the first time she realized she had CHOICES in meals. She could make her OWN portions. Or even BUY her own portions. Poor girl's starving for love food, she's definitely going to go to town that first time she realizes she can do that now.

[chthonicpdx]

the winding road to Hekate

alright i’m just gonna post about this bc life is WILD right now. 

so, like, 13 (?) years ago, i was Going Through Some Shit, and i ended up bawling my eyes out on the laundry room floor of my college dorm, begging any god who could hear me for help (PTSD is rough, man.)

in response, i heard - for the first time - a steady, clear voice in my head say: “I will get you through this.” 

(i still get chills, just thinking about it.)

so, having been raised Very Christian, and still running with that crowd, i immediately assumed this was The Holy Spirit speaking to me (in my defense, the xtian God speaks to ppl in the bible in a *lot* stranger ways, so it seemed logical at the time.) 

but anyhow, i’d never been exposed to anything *but* Christianity/monotheism. really. i had no idea there were living polytheistic religions in the world (i was sheltered, man. long story. and i was young.) 

so anyway, i’m 19, and i hear this Voice, and immediately like, throw myself harder into xtian church stuff. i keep living life too - i go to class, i go to therapy, i go to church. i keep journaling and reading the bible and spending LOTS of time in nature. and i keep hearing this Voice.

all the while, hearing this Voice makes me want to sing and dance and talk back; makes me want to make art, and spin in circles in the grass, and learn and grow and know. and it makes me softer, and kinder, and more open. it helps me make friends with my demons. it helps me heal.

(read more under the cut. cw for mentions of homo/transphobia in christianity)

i spent the next decade heavily involved in the xtian church, to the point where it was my entire life. it was all i knew. it was my family and my home (and, somehow, i never really noticed that the Voice in my head was a lot softer, and a lot kinder, than so many of the voices of those who sat next to me in the pews.)

at any rate, the church was my home. my everything. then i came out. 

and that was that. 

i’m bi and nonbinary, and coming out caused a royal shitstorm. i lost nearly everyone - including my birth family. i had built my whole world on a foundation of sand, and the sea came to knock over my castles. 

but the Voice? the Voice was still there. and that should have been my first clue. 

the Voice whispered to me that if i trusted in a loving god, shouldn’t i be honest with myself about my sexuality? if i believe i was created, shouldn’t i trust my creator enough not to throw me away? even when everyone else did?

it was enough to keep me going, and keep me questioning. it was a lot of hard work, but i kept asking myself hard questions; i kept praying. and i figured out important things about myself - about who and how i love, and about who i am. and that Mattered. 

but still. the xtian church doors were officially closed to me, and my family was done. so i walked from them away too. and - since i never even considered that there were truly other gods out there - i stopped listening for the Voice as well. 

* * * * *

fast forward to now: five years later. the xtian church has made some huge strides in inclusivity for LGBTQ ppl, which is great. i started attending a local Lutheran church, full of sweet older gay couples who literally welcomed me with open arms. and it was wonderful and healing and Good. 

and just like that that, i opened my mind/heart/spirit up again, and guess what? the Voice was still there, patiently waiting. only this time, everything was different. because this time, she told me her name. 

* * * * *

that’s the suuuuuper abridged version of how i realized that the Voice in my head, that i’ve been in nearly constant contact with for all of my adult life is not - in fact - Jesus and/or the xtian holy spirit, but a Greek Goddess who’s Very Much Real, and Very Much Present in my daily life. 

and i’m kind of freaking out right now. i honestly don’t know what to do with this revelation. i think this post is a bit of, “i want this blog to be a place to share genuine spiritual experiences, so i can hopefully learn from and get to know other Hellenic polytheists,” and also my brain just going, “AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” 

like, i grew up with that One Brand™ of evangelicalism that was like, “God’s your dad so you should just be yourself around him; don’t worry about formalities,” so i’m really not used to a system of offerings and protocol and all of that. 

which isn’t to say that i’m not *extremely* grateful for these things - i am. i’m very, very glad to be joining a religion (Hellenic reconstructionism) that has some solid, specific ways to interact with the gods. it’s comforting, and it’s nice to know where to start. but it’s also overwhelming. 

and it’s really, really overwhelming to realize that the Voice that’s now as familiar as my own thoughts - the one i’ve been instinctually reaching out to without thought since i was a teenager - is also the Goddess of whom Homer said this: 

Zeus the son of Cronos honoured (Hecate) above all. He gave her splendid gifts, to have a share of the earth and the unfruitful sea. She received honour also in starry heaven, and is honoured exceedingly by the deathless gods.

For to this day, whenever any one of men on earth offers rich sacrifices and prays for favour according to custom, he calls upon Hecate. Great honour comes full easily to him whose prayers the goddess receives favourably, and she bestows wealth upon him; for the power surely is with her. For as many as were born of Earth and Ocean amongst all these she has her due portion.

The son of Cronos did her no wrong nor took anything away of all that was her portion among the former Titan gods: but she holds, as the division was at the first from the beginning, privilege both in earth, and in heaven, and in sea.

Also, because she is an only child, the goddess receives not less honour, but much more still, for Zeus honours her. Whom she will she greatly aids and advances: she sits by worshipful kings in judgement, and in the assembly whom she will is distinguished among the people. And when men arm themselves for the battle that destroys men, then the goddess is at hand to give victory and grant glory readily to whom she will. [x]

so like. Internal screaming. very much internal screaming. 

i am overwhelmed and grateful and so very, very found. and i wouldn’t have it any other way. but this is certainly the strangest spiritual experience i've ever had - and that includes first hearing a foreign voice in my head while i was sobbing on a laundry room floor. 

so anyway...that’s a long winded way of saying hey what’s up, i’m Winter, i belong to Hecate (and damn that feels good to write) and i’d love to get to know ya’ll. if anyone has similar experiences to share (or any sort of insight on what the HECK is going on for me right now) i welcome comments/responses! 

otherwise, this was my way of organizing my thoughts via tumblr ramble. thanks for reading, loves ❤ 

(ps ask me sometime how Hades started this all. i blame @chironomy​)

[girlreportsmoved]

MY JUSTICE LEAGUE REVIEW.

okay, so as many of you know, i did get to see justice league the day it came out last weekend ! a bunch of people have been asking me to post my review, i’ve been incredibly busy which is why this did not post sooner. a bunch of spoilers below, you have been warned. 

so OVERALL, i really did like it....sort of.  i actually liked the length, it was much easier to process & observe then say, the avengers, but we got so m u c h cut, not even just from lois but like.....barry saving iris, vicTOR STONE, i m e a n ...... srsly. like they could have done it ! better ! within the runtime ! if they had just cut out whedons bullshit quips & barry falling into diana boobs! but anyways, more on that later. the score was so so good, esp the opening song i c ried but honestly danny elfman wasnt the best. i wouldve preferred junkiexl, bc at least he wouldve paid homage 2 zimmers score (im v bitter.)

i LOVED the opening montage. snyder all the way i mean, i s t an one(1) caucasian man. also lmao im referring to the gotham city scene, NOT the superman video clip bc a. cgi & b. like what purpose does it even serve if the camera doesnt immediately pan 2 lois after he answers that question lmao. but the batman cinematography over gotham was on p o int. honestly the way they designated each portion of the introduction to a specific superhero - like the coloring, the backstory, everything - i really liked the seperate sections each for aquaman, the flash, cyborg, etc. idk wonderbat was un nessacary in the dceu but i dislike b/en affle/ck so lmao. steve joke was NOT cool tho. 

okay but i LOVE ezra millers’ barry allen. i would die for him im not even JOKING he was so GOOD and stole the show honestly. God bless they couldnt have picked a better actor tbh. i really wished we could have gotten more of cyborg’s insight/backstory but my man ray fisher fucking shined. aquaman strutting down the docks to icky thump while downing a bottle of whiskey is my aesthetic....thats Hawt. again, more backstory (mera was in for like 2 minutes i mean what the fuck)

 but yeah. i wont talk much about batfleck bc a. no character development he was just there lmao and b. i dont like him ( i love comics bruce wayne ok just not gross ass sexual harasser b*n affl*ck playing him).  i love alfred tho. obviously nothing can been the nolanverse alfred but this ones pretty damn good, they both do a good job of knowing lois is both the key AND the big guns, hats off 2 u BOTH. bruce felt so guilty tho i mean whyy bro some of it i think was just so diana could comfort him which was....uh ok. i like the gadgets !! also him adopting barry allen. i miss the batfamily!! also ‘whats ur superpower’ ‘im rich’ well goddamN. wonder woman was underused. i mean she can obviously hold her own in a fight against supes longer then that, if not beating him like r u KIDDING me. but ya my girl kicked ass

moving on, steppenwolf couldve used more backstory/screentime. i didnt...rlly...get...his motives aside from him being chaos personified or whatever. not the best villian but he couldve been tbh with the story he had. my AMAZONS slayed. the motherbox thing was explained so quickly, the connections between worlds was v clear like damn the mcu could never (i love marvel dont get it twisted tho.)  i loved the themes of unity and everything but it needed more woman. i know this sounds arbitrary but...lmao so far, no male-centred dceu film has passed the bechtel test. wonder woman is the ONLY one. fucking ridiculous.  not even a two minutes conversation with lois empathizing with her pain like goddamn.

clarks alive, we been KNEW, obviously. the resurrection wasnt super confusing but kind of like a letdown. i would have preferred if it hadnt been the league to resurrect him, instead like some other sun power or maybe steppenwolfs scheme or something, it seemed a little wrong. im not even gonna talk about henrys mustache until later when i unload the shit in whedon sO - i personally like his new suit!! he wasnt in the film too much tbh, honestly wb either owes me a full directors cut of him explaining his thought process about returning to earth and his character development theron, OR man of steel 2. like cmon man. boy came back from the dead wtf is going on there. much more of a classic superman then in bvs which i liked, but it seemed kind of rushed & i miss snyders depth.

now onto the main event: (jkjk but rly) LOIS JOANNE LANE !  first off i really loved her wardrobe, the contrasing blues and navies with her red hair like...i see u supes coloring scheme, i see what u did there. i love her bond with martha. i love amys face. but u know what i didnt love that ill 10000% elaborate more on and put into a seperate post for my jl verse? pretty much everything else. yes, a woman’s grief should be validated and never underestimated or mocked, yes, a woman’s grief does not make her any bit less strong. but lois, my lois at least, i strongly believe, would not have stuck to fluff pieces. she is VERY all or nothing when it comes to this, its either the truth, or nothing at all. in the event of supermans death OR disappearance, she would have grieved, she would have been heartbroken - but she would have persevered, evidenced in the comics heavily. more on this later.

i am VERY pissed about amy’s cut/reshot scenes. all the heartfelt clips shown during test screenings, all of zacks intentions, all of the original screenplay - lmao, cut.  does lois ever talk to martha about anything other then clark? groceries? investigations? anything else to build a solid mother-daughter relationship? ok. the nightmare scene where she remembers clark? gone. the in depth conversations with martha in the farmhouse? zilch. the independent investigations of s.t.a.r labs unveiling steppenwolf/ the mother boxes that shows her manifesto in full force? nowhere. the goddamn proper clois reunion from the trailer where the ring was MENTIONED/CONFIRMED like every other logical person expected, the heartfelt reunion about truth and justice and love? fucking no w here.

lois lane deserves a stand alone. or at least a short, or a tv show. im fucking serious. all that lois/diana setup from bvs and they dont even t a lk. cmon. lois is a sidenote in the story !! im so MAD. like yes, forever grateful for ‘big guns’ and ‘backup plan’ but whedon fuckin twisted it all man.....what happened to her being the key? how the fuck did flash know about this? did they cut something else? i MEAN she has virtually NO onscreen contact with bruce, who should be regularly checking up on her bc shes the key & all, or from diana, who sympathizes with her pain via bvs/ww cinematographic parallels that were obviously intentional. no league interactions at all. im unimpressed.

and finally, FINALLY, the real bone i have to pick with this movie. joss whedon. gross ass bitch doesnt even cut it so im gonna try to keep this as short as possible. he reshot ALL of supermans scenes against snyders will, reducing the role of him and lois, disregarding the talent of amy adams and reducing her whole ‘arc’ to be about clark, the flash/diana boob faceplant, the horrible cinematography, bruces’ steve trevor references, its all fucking whedon. i could go on, but i dont wanna combust into flames. so. lets just say hes a piece of middle-aged bald white man mediocrity with a brain the size of a a literal bat shit. fuck him. 

but OVERALL, i would give this film around a 60-65/100, which is being generous. they could have done!! so GOOD!! but no they picked a trash bag to direct the film reshoots? sad.

[general-grey]

OC profile for Radenu ;) (You can do an extra one for whomever you want.)

bruh thank you! :D also tagging @darthyaoi because she sent him too C:

one Rad, coming up now! (under the cut bc it’s a bit long)

Full Name: Scra’de’nuruodo. It has little meaning anymore though, as his family is lost/very likely dead, and he himself doesn’t remember his full name.

Gender and Sexuality: Male, and bisexual (or pan, if we wanna be nitpicky because aliens)

Pronouns: He/him

Ethnicity/Species: Chiss

Birthplace and Birthdate: Shipside, specific locations unknown, but somewhere on the Outer Rim. Birth date is 3658 BBY - he was around 17 when he arrived on Korriban. (i probably fucked up the date because i have no real idea how this shit works but he was fairly young)

Guilty Pleasures: good food. mostly sweets. he has a private cabinet for special treats from Alderaan and such. they never last for too long

Phobias: cramped spaces

What They Would Be Famous For: Being the first alien on the Dark Council, and also capable to keep his position right until Zakuul took over. Also probably for his translations of ancient Dark Jedi writings, and his studies on Force users from What They Would Get Arrested For: Who would try to arrest a Sith Lord? …. probably for grave robbing, tbh. He’d get at least a hard reprimand for ignoring the signs and taking a dip in one of those fountains on Manaan.

OC You Ship Them With: My guardian Vin Grey, my future pureblood operative Khor, and tbqh you can bet your ass I ship him with just about anyone I can find. Yes i have at least 3 alternate lookalike toons just so i could romance everyone without having to cheat on them. On the main toon, he is married to Ashara.

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Well, since he’s a Dark Council member I’d expect most Sith to at least want to kill him? But out of my OCs, it’s Sayaad, but it’s because she’s a bounty hunter and she likes the challenge of hunting Force users. She might succeed, but that likely will not happen.

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Adventure. Him and Talos regularly get together to watch fun over the top Indiana Jones kind of movies. Talos sometimes complains that they are not an accurate description of archeology, but then Rad points out one ocassion where they did something equally over the top and silly thing and they just laugh.

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: dumb government propaganda

Talents and/or Powers: Force powers, enhanced sneakiness, zappity zap. He also has a sharp, perceptive mind and can have very good insight at times.

Why Someone Might Love Them: He’s one of the few reasonable Sith Lords in the Empire, one that truly tries to look after the people that work for him and sees that giving them a good life is more important than dumb power plays. Alongside that, he is charming and fundamentally very kind, although he tries to hide the latter part. He’s also cool as fuck.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: He’s a lil’ shit, that’s why. He is rather disrespectful towards any authority that he thinks are not worth of his respect. While later on he mellows down a bit, he used to have a burning hatred towards most of the Sith Order as well, and would go out of his way to undermine their poerations, be it in the Empire’s interests or not. He also looks down upon most Jedi.

How They Change: He’s got a good amount of character development alright - from just wanting to get by and survive to pratcically holding a good portion of the Empire under his command. In simpel terms, he started out as a “how do i adult” college-student to a fancy ass adult who still has little idea of how to co-lead an Empire, but with better people skills and a good amount of influence and good intent.  

Why You Love Them: Other than the fact that everythign that comes out of his mouth is pure gold? Well, it started out with me wanting to make a nice Sith I guess, but his character of a bitter former-slave that doesn’t let himself grow bitter enough to become a horrible person just grew on me way too hard. He’s the kind of person I want to be like in many aspects, I guess - capable of overcoming seemingly impossible odds, and have a hella cool lightning/darkness aesthetic.

[the-mamas-project]

The MAMAS Project - Jena

This month’s post is a bit different. One half of TMP, Jena, joins the ranks of brave moms who have shared their motherhood successes, struggles, and insight. The ultimate realness. Instead of our typical interview format, this post is self-written. Always having had a way with words, Jena’s voice on the page, her rawness, will draw you in. Oh, and give you all the feels. 

I think I have always wanted to be a mother, but I had spent most of my early twenties travelling, then found myself in nursing school and in a relationship. Just as I was about to graduate and start my career, I was suddenly pregnant. At that point, I hadn’t thought much about parenthood, other than the occasional non-rational and typical-of-me sentiment, I want a baby, that would make things more…insert stable, happy, real. Whatever emotion I was feeling in the moment. Not a planner, motherhood really played to the unpredictability that guided my life early on. 

The truth is, our relationship had been a bit on and off in the six months prior to getting pregnant. At the time we conceived, we had just re-committed to making it work, and thought, perhaps we were ready to think about children. I had gone off the pill. However, the idea hadn’t fully sunk in, since we were still working on being good partners for each other. 

Chronically unsatisfied, I had been running away from any kind of stability for years. As the child of a diplomat, my family moved from country to country, experiencing the rich culture of East Africa, the Middle East and Caribbean, always travelling and having new adventures as a family. By the time I was in university at 17, I was used to people being on the go and people being in awe of my travels and up bringing, sometimes thinking my story was much more interesting than me. In my first university degree, I continued the chase. Unhappy with the environment in Halifax, I ran to India, then Malta, across Eastern Europe…then back to a small Ontario town, where I thought a diploma in photojournalism would be my key to an interesting job, therefore sustaining an interesting life. 

What I am articulating, is that I have always had this insatiable desire to be on a new adventure, to create a life as interesting as my childhood had been. 

Without detailing the millions of paths I started and stopped in my early twenties, I eventually moved to BC to find some answers. A worshipper of serendipity, I thought the signs would eventually be clear. 

My husband and I met the year I moved to Vancouver. I made the move from Kits to Commercial drive in search of a new start in the city. When I walked into his restaurant looking for a job as a waitress, I locked eyes with him as he descended the back stairs of the restaurant in his soccer uniform and was immediately attracted to him. I remember the moment vividly. I even remember the green and white striped v-neck sweater I was wearing, I kept it for years. 

Shortly after I was hired, I told him over the bar late one night, I think we are going to be really good friends for a long time. We fell for each other quickly and had an end of summer romance that came to an abrupt halt in the fall. We were on and off for the first five months, but by Christmas, after a trip to Argentina and Uruguay together, I was ready to move in above the restaurant, and the more serious portion of our relationship started. The next four years, I would break the relationship off twice, searching for something different. Stuck in the mundane cycle of full time school, I thought ending my relationship would give me the change I needed. I would look for things wrong with my partner, rather than try to focus on what I was unhappy with about myself. It was after one of my Christmas meltdowns, that we found ourselves pregnant. 

We were excited and I knew having Nico was the right decision. It gave us a new zeal and commitment, as we bought a house and attempted to prepare for something you can never prepare totally for: parenthood. 

Want to know how to feel the most lonely you’ve ever felt? Become a new parent before all your friends do, move to a city where none of your friends live, and go on maternity leave, 4 months after starting a new job that you love. As you can imagine, the collision of all these things, on top of my chronic un-satisfaction with the present, led to me feeling trapped. 

Don’t get me wrong, I loved being a mom and my child was perfect to me. I now know how lucky I am to be able to conceive a healthy child without difficulty, but I was in a deep and dark mourning for the person I had been and the life I once had.

Motherhood itself is a crazy change. It is the death of your ability to be totally selfish. The death of your free will to make choices that only impact yourself. You now must keep another human being alive, love it, teach and try to keep yourself in good condition to do so. It’s the biggest challenge and I don’t know anyone who has met it with 100% precision. And the biggest joke of all, is even though you know you will never be perfect at it, you will still always hold guilt over your head when you make a mistake or do something you regret. Your expectations of yourself will be kicked in the face on the daily.

I did find my swing with Nico, although, I still hadn’t let go of the deep sense I had inside, that I was missing out. That while motherhood was awesome, there was so much living going around me and excitement in the lives of my non-parent friends, and I was being held back. The ultimate fomo (fear of missing out). We did a ton of activities, we made new friends. And when friends of mine started having babies, the loneliness started to subside. But I ached to get back to working, to have a purpose separate from motherhood. I hadn’t been prepared to be a mother, and letting go of what I thought I would be doing (travelling to foreign countries to nurse), was hard. 

When I got back to work, time went into fast-forward.  Things were great. We got married, and were pregnant again before we knew it. But this time I was prepared. I had friends with babies, I knew what to expect. I knew it would be hard, harder even. But I knew that time had already gone too fast, and that I only had one chance to give number two everything I had. 

Luca arrived healthy, Nico transitioned and so did I. I think I loved harder the second time, and gave Luca more moments than I was able to give Nico. I rocked Luca to sleep every night, not getting frustrated as often. I still rock him to sleep. I let Nico grow up too fast in my mind. By the age of one I remember looking at Nico and thinking he was a toddler, when the same time rolled around for Luca, I remember thinking, he’s such a baby! Since Luca, I think I have embraced and accepted motherhood more, I wholeheartedly know I am where I need to be. I know others want to be where I am and I struggle knowing they have difficulty bearing children, and I don’t take that for granted. But the struggle of raising children is still real. Because its hard, it is so hard. There are days when I just want to run away, I would even take a prison cell, if it meant I could sleep and not have to answer to a million other needs before my own. The days where I am full-time disciplining, and I think my kids hate me, and I hate myself…the pain is deep. But it is also temporary, because the next day can be divine. It’s never boring, but sometimes, I just want to feel the ache of boredom, a feeling that used to haunt me and make me feel unaccomplished. 

And this late fall, I had a bit of a mental collapse. I hadn’t been sleeping, maybe 5 hours a night, and never more than 2 hours at a time. I was working nights and days, and lots. I was carting my kids to activities, but not enjoying them because I had a million other commitments that I had put on my plate. This is typical of me, in my quest to stay interesting/interested, I will commit to more than I can handle and then it backfires in my face. I had no love to give, and the guilt was eating me away. It eventually corroded my immune system too, and I was hit with a bad flu. 

I think I am on the other side of the mental and physical drain. And the answer wasn’t what I thought it would be. I have historically found my worth in activity, adventure and achievement. But forced to shut down, I found peace in the mundane, the non-adventure. Watching too much TV with my kids when they were also sick. Letting the house get messy. Letting the lists pile up. But, feeling present. Not living in the midst of the next adventure, but in the bliss of today. I think this is me admitting that I have felt ashamed to be, just a mom. I have wanted to hold more than just this title, yet, it’s when I can juggle being just a mom well, that I feel best. Not when I am spreading myself so thin that I the guilt of being half present erodes my being. 

When we interview mothers, we always ask, do you have any regrets? More often than not, the answer is, no, this path got me to here. I get that, but I do have regrets. I regret not being more present, not just in motherhood, but in so many junctures in my life. My husband says, stop living for next week, enjoy what you’re doing today. He knows best, that in the heat of the moment I am usually planning my next steps, not living in the current footprint. I also regret not knowing, that while I was pining to be seen as a person beyond a mother, that being a mother made me great, made me dynamic and made me strong. 

After all is said and done, (although, god knows I will have more breakdowns, bad weeks, days and years), motherhood took a very fragile, self-conscious me and made me feel worth, depth and strength I had never known. It’s all reflected in how beautiful my kids are and how much they love me. It made me the person that looked at myself in December and said, something is wrong, you’re not happy, and that’s ok. You don’t have to run or change your life, your life is good still.

Now, at this very moment, I am on a beautiful vacation with my little family, and while we have learned that travelling with kids is not easy, I believe the memories are worth every bit of hardship. And perhaps in a way that I hadn’t expected, I am fulfilling my need for change and wanderlust through the tiny and wide-eyed little boys that go almost everywhere with me. 

Written by Jena 

Edited by Sarah

Photographed by Jena (+ her amazing husband Corrado)