#loved this bit bc it’s one of the first portions to give us insight on his reflections

[dearmyloveleys]

aw man reading this portion in the first bit of mdzs in the og text, giving it my own translation and feeling bittersweet:

[WWX]

“魏无羡提起湿淋淋的手掌，就着溪水，一点一点抹去这不知是在嘲笑谁的粉饰。

并非无法承受。毕竟当初做出选择时，就已无比清楚，今后将面对的是什么道路。只记住云梦江氏教给他的东西，记住那一句家训——“明知不可而为之”。

只是自以为心若顽石，却终究人非草木。”

Wei Wuxian raised a wet palm by the stream. Bit by bit, he wiped away the powder makeup, its deriding laughter he wasn’t sure was directed at whom.

It was not that he couldn’t bear it. After all, when he made the decision back then, there was nothing clearer, about what the path he’d face thereafter would be like. He only remembered the things that Yunmeng Jiang Sect taught him, remembered that one line of the Sect motto — “Turn what you know is impossible into a possibility.”/“Attempt it even when you know it’s impossible.”

It was only that he thought the heart was like stone, but at the end of it all, people still were not plants and trees.

[funarisjournal]

Here's a thought: How about a chapter or a scene in a chapter that kinda gives us a further peek into that time Kasuga finally escaped her toxic situation? Not only would it give us a little insight to her at the time, but also a look into the trials and tribulations that a single, young, barely adult woman would have to go through to live on her own. Like...Nagumo seems to be doing fine in both versions of the story (manga doesn't go into it, really, but in the drama, it's implied she's got some help during her unemployment time, even if her family was pushing with the food deliveries at times), but Kasuga basically ran away. Stealthily, but she did. We know she took advantage of her graduating and moving onto college to pick a place far away from them. We know she got a hand-me-down car from other relatives, so she probably talked to them about where she was going. Probably some interesting half-truth talks going around, eh? But like...has she always had the one apartment? Or did she start out with one that her family helped with (bc college)? She probably tried to find a job asap because she would need to support herself. The less ties back to her family, the better.

And obviously, she cut those ties via ghosting at some point, just from the sounds of the convo she was having with her dad in vol 3, anyway. A different cutting-off than what she decided to do there. There would have to be some struggling for a bit, I'm sure (financially, I mean).

Kasuga is written in a way that, at first, she really had to think smart in order to survive. She is free but she's not entirely free, yet. She probably pushed those thoughts further back as the years went on, but they were probably always there in the background. And then it all came back when those damn calls started happening.

But oops. I guess I kinda digressed a bit there. Point is, I want to see the initial journey to freedom from Kasuga. Bonus thought: to lighten up the mood - the first time she realized she had CHOICES in meals. She could make her OWN portions. Or even BUY her own portions. Poor girl's starving for love food, she's definitely going to go to town that first time she realizes she can do that now.

[queen-scribbles]

The Long-Burning Torch

For the @shepherds-of-haven​ Shepherds Summer event, the Ryn/Red muses latched onto 20′s Detective AU and would not let go. I’ve gone so deep down this rabbit hole there’s gonna be chapters, but the first piece works as a standalone. (title might change along the way, again bc chapters)

----

There were, in Xaeryn’s experience, two types of people who made use of her services. Both were driven by desperation, both tended to hit her doorstep late in the day. There were the belligerent ones, incensed they had to stoop to hiring her, a Mage, to solve their problem. From them she had to pull the pertinent facts of their case one begrudging sentences at a time. And there were the frantic ones, who had exhausted every other route and she was their last chance. Details poured so freely from them she had to pick through it to find what was actually relevant to the case.

The young man standing before her now, at the start of her day, appeared to fit neither of those groups. He’d knocked and entered without awaiting an invitation, seeming unperturbed by the eyebrow she arched at his arrival.

“May I help you?” Xaeryn asked, leaning forward to rest folded hands on her desk.

He shifted to fold his own hands over the head of a walking stick she’d wager he didn’t actually need and smiled dryly. “If your reputation is anything to go by, Miss Shrike, I certainly expect so.”

She gestured to the chairs in front of the desk. “Let’s find out, Mr...?”

“Riel Syndran,” he said, passing her a business card as he took the offered seat.

The card was hardly necessary, and Xaeryn set it on the desk with only a passing glance. “You run Whitestone Couriers, don’t you?”

There was the faintest twitch on the left side of his jaw. “The company is a guild venture.”

“And I wouldn’t be much of a snooper if I couldn’t figure out who truly ran a company as vital to the city of Haven as Whitestone Couriers, Mr. Syndran.”

He gave her a sharp smile. “Very good. I knew coming to you first was the right call, Miss Shrike.”

“Flattered as I am by your confidence” --and she was; she was typically the last resort, being first was something of a novelty-- “why don’t you tell me what or who you need found, and we can discover if said confidence is warranted.”

“I’m certain it is,” Syndran said, his gaze briefly dropping to the Shrike Investigations placard on the edge of her desk. “But you are correct. To business.”

And business, as he explained it, ran thus: Whitestone Couriers had been contracted to transport a collection of artefacts, originally from all parts of Blest, from their previous temporary home at the Conte-by-the-Sea museum to Haven’s Hall of History and Culture.

”How well-known was your being contracted?” Xaeryn interjected.

“It was something of a secret,” Syndran replied, flicking invisible dust off his sleeve. “Some of the pieces are quite valuable, so it was largely in hopes of avoiding theft.”

Hopes that had proven vain. They’d had an uneventful journey--blessed with good weather, even--made it through city customs upon arriving at Haven (checked everything after making it through and found nothing amiss), and proceeded to the museum. Upon unpacking the artefacts, however, it was discovered one was missing.

(Of course.)

The missing piece--an obsidian and bronze pendent thought to belong to a ruler in the Jalis desert pre-Autarchy--had limited monetary value, especially compared to some of the other items in the collection. (Those, of course, had been more closely watched.) Its worth was largely historical and religious.

“Enchantments?”

“None so far as we know.”

“I’ll look into it for you,” Xaeryn said with a nod. She loved mind-twisters like this. “I’ll need to talk to your people, as well as the museum staff, so it would be helpful if you let them know I’m coming. Otherwise my kind” --a twitch of her fingers set energy dancing above them briefly-- “aren’t usually given the time of day.”

“Of course. I shall do so.” Syndran stood and bowed. “I thank you for taking my case, Miss Shrike, and look forward to your success.”

“Two things, Mr. Syndran,” she spoke up as he turned toward the door. She waited until he paused and looked back to continue. “I will, of course, endeavor to find this relic on my own, but should I require an expert’s... knowledge of its history, say, is outside help acceptable?”

His nose wrinkled briefly. “If you must. But as few others as possible, and only those you trust to keep it in strictest confidence.”

“Understood.”

“And the second thing, Miss Shrike?”

She smiled. “One third estimated payment is due upfront.”

“Oh, obviously.” He returned the smile and pulled out his checkbook.

----

She made some good progress between that afternoon and the next day. Interviews with the caravan guards and those responsible for the artefact collection gave insight to their procedures--which were indeed top-notch; it was impressive someone had managed to find a weakness--and how long the pieces were out of their sight coming through city customs.

“Don’t see why that matters,” the pink-haired courier who’d been in charge of the caravan commented. “We checked them all when we got through; made sure everything was still there. Standard procedure.”

“When you say you checked, is this a thorough examination or just a glance to make sure it’s still there?” Xaeryn asked, glancing at the notepad balanced on her knee.

“There’s no fine-tooth comb involved,” came the somewhat tart and harried reply, “but we do look to confirm it’s there and undamaged so nothing undeserved can later be blamed on us. The company has a sterling reputation for a reason, Miss Shrike, and the guild would very much like to keep it that way.”

“Hence your boss coming to me instead of the police.” Xaeryn tapped her pen against her chin and skimmed over her notes. “I think I have everything I need, Miss Aerin. Thank you for your time.”

Aerin gave a sharp nod. “Of course. Anything to get this cleared up and the artefact found as quickly as possible.” She flicked a worried glance toward the notebook as Xaeryn slipped it in her handbag. “How much did you write down? A lot of our procedures are trade secrets; if someone should see...”

Xaeryn laughed and withdrew the notepad again, flipping it open to show the other woman the symbols that filled the pages. “Never fear, your secrets are safe with me. An added bonus of my own shorthand; no one else can read my notes.”

“Smart.” A brief hesitation. “No one? You’re sure?”

“Well, perhaps the friend who helped develop it initially, but I’ve tweaked it since then.” She flipped the pad closed and stowed it in her bag. “I think it would take a little work even for him. We worked it out to take faster notes in class, but taking faster notes also come in handy in my line of work.”

Aerin relaxed and nodded again. “I’m sure it does. Thank you for the reassurance, Miss Shrike.”

“Of course. Have a good day.”

“You as well.”

With the last of the days’ intended interviews behind her, Xaeryn headed back to her office. Now to review what she’d learned from all the sources together. She was confident she had plenty to give herself at least a couple leads worth pursuing, even if there wasn’t enough for a scry.

---

It took a day and a half of running herself off her feet for Xaeryn to burn through the leads she’d found without much to show for it. She’d been unable to track down the specific guard who checked that portion of the shipment, but his supervisor assured her such an important collection would have been treated with utmost care, seeming miffed at the insinuation otherwise. None of the drivers or other courier employees had noticed anything unusual once they passed through customs, no interruptions or suspicious folks in the streets.

Even scrying had fizzled out without so much as a vague semblance of where it might be.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Xaeryn dug her fingers into her short hair and glowered at the photographs of the pendent Mr. Syndran had given her. It was so small. So easily concealed. And so simple it would hardly draw attention unless you knew what it was.

She’d been forced to grudgingly admit her minimal progress to Mr. Syndran when he called for an update and it had her in a foul mood. This sort of baloney was not how she kept the lights on. It was time for a new tack.

If she couldn’t (yet) trace where the pendent vanished from, perhaps it would work better to learn more about it; figure where it might be going and get a solid enough knowledge of it she could successfully scry its location. Who would want it badly enough for the hassle of stealing from Whitestone Couriers to be worth their while? Looking into the pendent’s history and provenance seemed the next logical course. Just because Mr. Syndran had told her it was on loan to the collection from the “proper” owners did not mean said owners had told him everything, or indeed, that they’d told the truth. She needed an expert and knew just where to find one.

It had been long enough since her time at Solhadur Academy Xaeryn actually had to look up the telephone number before calling. As she listened to the line ringing, she wondered absently how much of a gentle scolding Headmaster Tevanti would give her for her first contact in more than a decade being to ask for something rather than merely catching up. She’d always been the type not to bother people unless she had to. That was, after all, what she preferred. And her self-reliance had carried her through quite a bit. But she was aware most people would differ from her on that point; Tevanti especially was fond of jawing, so he would surely have words for her long silence.

She let it go to ten rings before giving up. Revelation came with a glance at the clock; it was late enough there was likely no one around to answer. No matter. She could drive out tomorrow. The Academy was in Capra, that wasn’t terribly far. (Not for business, anyway.) Headmaster Tevanti wouldn’t mind one of his favorite students dropping in for an hour or so to discuss a relic from one of his favorite historical periods. She’d even engage in small talk, if he wanted.

Xaeryn smiled to herself and locked both the photographs and her notepad in one of the desk drawers. If that was her plan for tomorrow, she should turn in early, make sure she was well-rested. Time for a trip down memory lane.

---

The morning was uneventful, aside from the troublesome discovery she’d left her office unlocked all night. She was normally more attentive than that, even being on a higher floor. But nothing was disturbed or missing, so Xaeryn shrugged it off and got on with her day.

If she selected her wardrobe with a more critical eye than usual, well, she wanted to look professional. Headmaster Tevanti had been a wonderful mentor, and she wanted to show how far his encouragements about using her bright mind and sharp eye had carried her.

(She wondered, briefly, as she pulled on the royal blue skirt and its matching blouse, accented in deep golden-yellow, if she would see any other familiar faces. But she shook off the warmth of the thought; they’d all scattered to the winds after graduation. Getting to see Tevanti would be enough.)

Satisfied with her ensemble, and needing to fill some time before she left, Xaeryn sat at her desk with her notepad and transcribed everything she knew about the missing pendent(not much), along with questions to ask. She picked out the best of the photographs from Mr. Syndran, just in case, and sighed as she looked at the clock. She’d still be a tad early for it to be polite, especially just dropping in out of the blue, if she left now.

So I’ll drive at a leisurely pace, she argued to herself. Take my time. Allowing a buffer in case there’s trouble along the way is only wise. God in heaven, she wished she could figure why she had worse jitters about this than some dates she’d gone on. “Oh, this is ridiculous,” she muttered to the empty office.

She locked the remaining photographs back in her desk, slipped the chosen one and her notepad in her handbag. After a moment’s internal debate, she slipped one of her stiletto knives down in her boot as well. Solhadur was far from dangerous, but it was prudent to have some measure of protection when traveling alone. She grabbed a hat on her way out the door--which she made certain to lock this time--and had it securely on her head by the time she reached the car.

----

Despite her efforts to make it a leisurely drive out to Capra, and weather that was perfect for that goal, Xaeryn still found herself standing in the entrance hall of Solhadur Academy at an earlier hour than would usually be considered polite for impromptu business meetings. She debated walking the grounds for a while, revisiting some memories from her time here, but decided simply apologizing for her early arrival was the better course of action.

With a final steadying breath and running one hand down her blouse and skirt to chase away wrinkles, Xaeryn headed for the reception desk. She smiled at the young woman behind it. “Good morning.”

The receptionist blinked, seeming mildly taken aback by how far up she had to look to meet her visitor’s eyes. “Morning, miss. Office hours don’t start until ten-”

“Oh, I’m not a student here,” Xaeryn said with a laugh. “At least, not anymore. And I do apologize for the early appearance, the drive out went much faster than anticipated.”

A brow twitched at that. “And what is it that brings you to Solhadur, miss...?”

“I’m doing research on a selection of artefacts and haven’t been able to turn up much on one.” It was barely a lie; she had read a bit on the other exhibition pieces, even if the pendent was the only one she needed to go deeper. “It’s from a period I know is of particular interest to the headmaster, so I was hoping to speak to him for a while, see if he could help.”

The receptionist pursed her lips. “Former student, you say?”

Xaeryn nodded. “If he’s busy first thing, I don’t mind waiting.”

““No, actually, being early is smart,” the receptionist said with a light laugh. “His hours are more full at the later end of things. This would be the best opportunity if you want some of his time.” She glanced over Xaeryn once more, then nodded. “You can go up. Third door--”

“On the left. I remember,” Xaeryn finished. “Thank you.”

“You might actually beat him there,” the receptionist laughed. “He isn’t always punctual.”

“I remember that, too,” Xaeryn returned with a grin. “Like I said, I don’t mind waiting. It’ll be good to see him again, few more minutes won’t hurt.” She toyed with one of her earrings as she headed up the stairs, steps lingering and heavy with nostalgia.

It was almost exactly as she remembered. A few portraits replaced or rearranged, new photographs from after she left. New name placards outside the doors she passed. The headmaster’s office door was closed, and a light inquiring rap of her knuckles brought no response.

Looks like she was right, Xaeryn thought with a smile, leaning against the chair outside the office to wait. Her gaze drifted to the high ceiling, following the details of familiar carvings to the scenes painted on the ceiling itself. Slightly faded from what she remembered, but that was to be expected after a decade--

“Xaeryn?!” The voice, still familiar even after years apart, sounded like he’d seen a ghost.

Her heart lurched in her chest and she’d spun around before the impulse to do so had even fully registered, his name tumbling from her lips unprompted in return. “Red?!”

He crossed the remaining distance between them in just a few strides(God, he’d gotten taller, how was that even possible?), barely remembered to set the books he carried on the chair before wrapping her in a hug.

Xaeryn didn’t even flinch, and only just managed to keep her grip on her handbag as she hugged him back. He still smelled of old books and ink and sunshine and she smiled at the memories it stirred.

Liefred Antiqua, her seatmate in any classes they shared and best friend regardless of how many they didn’t for the entirely of her time at Solhadur. Friendly, charming, and just as fond of books as he was people. (The nights they’d spent pressed shoulder to shoulder reading in the library were still among her favorite memories.) Between his warm nature and classic good looks, he’d had half the student body swooning  after him, and yet despite the sharp contrast to Xaeryn’s more reserved and self-reliant bent, they’d still spent most of their time together. Their friendship was the strongest of the few she’d formed at Solhadur, and Xaeryn valued it immensely.

(Too much to risk on anything like admitting when the sight of his smile sent something that was definitely not friendship fluttering in her chest. It was just a crush, it would go away.)

( And then it didn’t.)

They’d both had plans to travel after graduation, and she couldn’t count on all her fingers combined the number of times she’d almost suggested they do it together. But in this one thing, she never could quite summon the nerve. And before she knew it, her departure date had arrived and they were hugging farewell, and come with me wouldn’t unstick from her throat. After a few months’ silence stretched between them--both traveling and unsure where the other might be, obviously--she’d resigned herself to their paths never crossing again, much as the thought hurt.

And yet here he was.

All the memories flew through her mind in the few seconds their hug lasted, and had a lump starting in her throat by the time they parted.

“Wonderful as it is to see you,” Red began as he stepped back to reclaim his books and run a glance over her, “what are you doing here?”

Xaeryn cleared her throat as she returned the apprising glance with one of her own. He still looked practically the same. A few inches taller, shoulders a bit more broad, and an attempt had been made to tame his bright red hair. It had only achieved partial success, and combined with the warm glint in his green eyes, he still was the same Red she knew. (The same Red she’d been more than a little in love with, even if she’d never dared the risk of admitting it.)

“I’m doing research,” she said, reaching up to tug the back brim of her hat as she glanced at the office door. “Into some artefacts. I wanted to ask Headmaster Tevanti about one in particular that’s being difficult.”

Red grimaced and fumbled his books. “Did you not hear, Xaer?” His voice went soft on the nickname, despite them being alone. Voices did carry in these halls, as they very well knew. “Tevanti died.”

She blinked, shock and sorrow curling in her chest. “Wh- How? When?”

“Not long after you left, actually,” he said, raking his free hand through his hair and tousling it out of respectability. “You know he’d been having problems with his heart. It gave out a few months after you left.” His brow furrowed. “I’m surprised you weren’t told when you set an appointment.”

“I didn’t so much set an appointment as show up looking to talk,” Xaeryn admitted with a soft, wry snort. “And I did simply say the headmaster when speaking to the receptionist.” She cocked her head. “Who would that be, now?”

Red smiled sheepishly, half-bit his lower lip. “Me, actually.” He shifted the books to one arm and opened the office door. Slightly nonplussed by two such major revelations in a row, Xaeryn was silent as she followed him in.

“I thought you wanted to travel,” was the first thought to pop in her head and then out her mouth as she looked around the office. It was spacious, lined with jam-packed bookshelves(He must be in heaven), and in a state of... corralled disarray that was so very Red it made her smile despite the news about Tevanti.

“I did,” Red replied, setting the books on his desk. “And I got to, at least a bit.” He tucked a handful of papers inside an open tome occupying one of the chairs, flipped the book closed, and set it on a side table so he could offer her a seat.  “I’d already left when he passed, so Professor Rumi and some others kept things going until I got back.” Rather than sit in the chair behind the desk, he shuffled a small stack of books onto the floor and sat in the one next to Xaeryn’s as he continued. “He’d... wanted me as his successor, Xaeryn.”

“That makes sense.” The words were out  before she could weigh them, spurred by the disbelief in his hesitation. “You’re brilliant, charming, and have a history with the school.” Her face warmed in the wake of being so candid, and Xaeryn glanced over at the large painting of Tevanti that hung on the wall between two bookshelves. He knew what he was doing. “You’re a logical choice.”

Red laughed warmly. “High praise from the smartest student in our class.”

“But far from the most charming,” she countered with a wry smile.

The warmth of his gaze didn’t abate. “I’ve always appreciated your-”

“Bluntness?”

“Straight-forwardness,” Red substituted, and was smiling when she looked his way. “An ability to cut to the heart of the subject is an invaluable skill.”

Xaeryn gave a faint shake of her head. “As is your kindness. But speaking of the heart of the matter...”

“Ah, right. You came here for a reason.” He pushed his unbuttoned shirtsleeves up toward his elbows. “I can’t promise to know as much as Tevanti would have, but I’ll certainly do my best to help.”

“Actually...” She snapped open her handbag to pull out the photograph and her notepad. “You’ve done a lot of research on pre-Autarchy history, so you might be able to help more than you think.” She set the photograph on the desk and Red cocked his head to look at it.

“Solimer’s torch...” he murmured, turning the photograph for a better look as his gaze gained that focus of a niche interest being whetted. (Which, for Red, meant she was about to hear everything he knew about the pendent’s history in too much detail to called a summary, and Xaeryn found herself leaning forward slightly in anticipation.) He glanced up at her. “Isn’t this one of the pieces in that exhibit about to open in Haven?”

She nodded. “That’s why I’m researching it.” She bit her lip but barely hesitated on the gamble of her next words. ‘Those you trust’, Mr. Syndran had said, and there was no one she trusted more than Liefred Antiqua. “It was stolen, and I was hired to find.”

His head came up, derailed from the growing ramble on the pendent’s history.  “Oh?”

“I’m a detective,” Xaeryn said, playing with one of her earrings. She laughed softly. “Scrying does give a considerable leg up to finding things. Or people. But that only works when--”

“You know enough about them,” Red nodded. “So this visit is for business, rather than personal.”

“Mostly, yes,” she conceded, resting one hand on his knee. I didn’t know you’d be here.  “But I was more than willing to chat with Tevanti” --there was a pang in her chest--”which most definitely extends to you as well, Headmaster Antiqua.”

His neck and ears went faintly pink as he laughed. “Surely we don’t need to be quite so formal, Detective Shrike?”

“Just ‘Miss’,” she returned with a laugh of her own, withdrawing her hand to instead fiddle with her notepad. “I work for myself, not the cops.” There might’ve been a little pride in her voice at the words, but it was well-earned.

“I thought you wanted to travel,” Red said, turning her own remark back on her.

“And travel I did,” Xaeryn said lightly. “For quite a while, even. But a girl does need a job eventually, and I’ve always loved a good mystery.”

“Or even a bad one,” he teased. “All kidding aside, Miss Shrike, I’m sure you’re a brilliant investigator.”

She smiled, chuckling at the playful glint in his eye even as her ears warmed at the praise. “Thank you. And on that note, what can you tell me about the pendent?”

“Right, right. You’re here on business.” Amusement lingered in Red’s eyes even as he turned back to the photograph. His sleeves started to slide and he shoved them back up again. Xaeryn very deliberately kept her focus on the photograph, not his arms--or hands--as he tapped one finger at the center of the obsidian pendent. “This was a protection...  charm, I suppose you’d call it, worn by the head of the Solimer tribe ages ago. Literal ages. Without refreshing my memory, all I can tell you is they were one of the few tribes whose wanderings regularly took them through the heart of the Jalis desert, and yet they always fared better on those journeys than the other tribes, which was credited to this pendent.”

“So it is magical?” Xaeryn leaned closer to look over the piece again, not that a photograph could do it full justice. This was a familiar position; the two of them bent over a shared project, and she hadn’t realized how much she missed it until that moment.

“Possibly?” Red shifted and his shoulder bumped hers. “ The story goes that on their first attempt to journey through, they saw a light, like a torch, keeping pace with them. It only showed up at night, and seemed far enough away from their caravan the chief felt it was too dangerous to let anyone go after it to see what it was. Their wariness at its presence, however, kept them vigilant enough they were able to see and fend off any wild animals that came after them, and it did nothing except travel their same path, so they let it be. 

“A couple weeks into their journey, as their supplies were starting to run low, the chieftain’s wife was out hunting and strayed far enough in search of food that the sun started setting while she was out. As the skies grew dim she could see the Torch, much larger than they usually did from the caravan, though it was floating away. Seized by good old-fashioned curiosity” --he paused to wink at her and Xaeryn bit back a smile-- “she followed the light rather than work her way back to camp. She kept after it long enough night had nearly fallen when it crested a ridge and disappeared. She hastened after it, and when she made it over the ridge, found herself standing by a waterspring the likes of which they’d never seen. When she looked around for the light she’d followed, there was no sign of it, save a black rock that lay at her feet. There were no other rocks anywhere nearby, so she decided this must be what had caused the torch-like light her tribe had seen. 

“She carried it with her when she returned to the tribe with news of water, and the Solimer took it as a sign of the gods’ favor. The chieftain had it bound in bronze” --he traced a finger along the lines of the coiled setting-- “to be worn as a way to hold that favor. It was passed from leader to leader and from all accounts they had far better luck surviving the desert than the other tribes for a long time.”

“Was that not likely just them knowing better how to handle themselves? If they traveled those portions of the desert more frequently, of course they were better prepared.”

“Maybe.” Red shrugged. “We have no firsthand written records from any of these tribes, just legends and history relayed orally. And a lot of the second-hand ones were... lost when the Autarchy came to power. From the way the stories run, after generation of favor from the pendent, it was lost when the Solimer were defeated in a skirmish over resources with another tribe. Their next several trips went so poorly it cost over half their number, and they wound up assimilated into other tribes within the next couple decades just to survive.”

“Sad,” Xaeryn murmured, though she wondered if the pendent’s loss had become a self-fulfilling prophecy if they believed in it that strongly. “And what happened to the pendent after that?”

“That’s all I know off the top of my head,” Red said sheepishly as he sat back, running a hand through his hair. “Anything more I’d have to research. To refresh my memory.”

“Oh, that’s all? Tsk, tsk, Liefred, you’re slipping,” she teased, then snorted a wry chuckle. “Of course, it’s more than I had.” She showed him the scant lines on a single page of her small notepad.

Red smiled at the sight of the shorthand and let the playful ribbing slide as he ran a finger over the page. “You tweaked it.”

“A bit, to make it jive better with detective work.” Xaeryn tucked the pad back in her handbag. She’d been so caught up listening to him talk she’d not taken a single note. “I’m certain you could work it out with a little time.”

“Oh, time-” Red’s gaze flew to the clock at the same moment there was a knock and muffled “Headmaster?” at the door. “Damn. Forgot I have a meeting.” He smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck. “Tribulations of being in charge. Just a minute!” he called toward the door, then, to Xaeryn, “I can look into this more in my free time, if you’d like.”

What free time? she almost asked, looking at the stacks of books and papers everywhere. But she swallowed that in favor of, “That would be lovely, thank you so much.”

“Any specific information you need?” Red asked as they stood.

“Anything you can find is welcome, but specifically.... What happened to the pendent after the Solimer lost it, who would have claim of ownership, if ownership is contested... anything like that. I want to find it, but part of that may very well lie in figuring out who would have most reason to steal it in the first place.” Xaeryn pulled out a business card and handed it to him. “So I don’t wind up nagging you,” she laughed. “You can call when you find something. The telephone’s in my office, but I live adjacent, so I’ll always hear it.”

Red nodded and slipped the card in his pocket. “I’ll try not to take too long.”

“Much appreciated. Also...” She grimaced slightly. “This is something of a secret; the Couriers don’t want it being common knowledge.”

“Understandable,” he said as they started toward the door. “Oh, don’t you need this?” He reached back for the photograph and held it out to her.

“Yes, thanks.” Xaeryn smiled and tried not to let the flutter in her chest when their fingers brushed as she took it gain purchase. She slipped the photograph back in her handbag as Red opened the door. Given the student waiting in the hall, she was the picture of professionalism--aside from the twinkle in her eye--as she nodded farewell. “Thank you for your time, Headmaster.”

Several things flashed through Red’s eyes, the brief desire to strangle her, a loud burst of laughter, an eyeroll, but he settled on a warm smile, wide enough his dimples just started to show. “Happy to help, Miss Shrike.”

She was still fighting a grin as she turned to descend the stairs, heart practically singing with warmth. Of all the lovely surprises... Regardless of whether she succeeded or failed, this case was already among the most worthwhile she’d ever taken, simply for bringing him back into her life.

[chthonicpdx]

the winding road to Hekate

alright i’m just gonna post about this bc life is WILD right now. 

so, like, 13 (?) years ago, i was Going Through Some Shit, and i ended up bawling my eyes out on the laundry room floor of my college dorm, begging any god who could hear me for help (PTSD is rough, man.)

in response, i heard - for the first time - a steady, clear voice in my head say: “I will get you through this.” 

(i still get chills, just thinking about it.)

so, having been raised Very Christian, and still running with that crowd, i immediately assumed this was The Holy Spirit speaking to me (in my defense, the xtian God speaks to ppl in the bible in a *lot* stranger ways, so it seemed logical at the time.) 

but anyhow, i’d never been exposed to anything *but* Christianity/monotheism. really. i had no idea there were living polytheistic religions in the world (i was sheltered, man. long story. and i was young.) 

so anyway, i’m 19, and i hear this Voice, and immediately like, throw myself harder into xtian church stuff. i keep living life too - i go to class, i go to therapy, i go to church. i keep journaling and reading the bible and spending LOTS of time in nature. and i keep hearing this Voice.

all the while, hearing this Voice makes me want to sing and dance and talk back; makes me want to make art, and spin in circles in the grass, and learn and grow and know. and it makes me softer, and kinder, and more open. it helps me make friends with my demons. it helps me heal.

(read more under the cut. cw for mentions of homo/transphobia in christianity)

i spent the next decade heavily involved in the xtian church, to the point where it was my entire life. it was all i knew. it was my family and my home (and, somehow, i never really noticed that the Voice in my head was a lot softer, and a lot kinder, than so many of the voices of those who sat next to me in the pews.)

at any rate, the church was my home. my everything. then i came out. 

and that was that. 

i’m bi and nonbinary, and coming out caused a royal shitstorm. i lost nearly everyone - including my birth family. i had built my whole world on a foundation of sand, and the sea came to knock over my castles. 

but the Voice? the Voice was still there. and that should have been my first clue. 

the Voice whispered to me that if i trusted in a loving god, shouldn’t i be honest with myself about my sexuality? if i believe i was created, shouldn’t i trust my creator enough not to throw me away? even when everyone else did?

it was enough to keep me going, and keep me questioning. it was a lot of hard work, but i kept asking myself hard questions; i kept praying. and i figured out important things about myself - about who and how i love, and about who i am. and that Mattered. 

but still. the xtian church doors were officially closed to me, and my family was done. so i walked from them away too. and - since i never even considered that there were truly other gods out there - i stopped listening for the Voice as well. 

* * * * *

fast forward to now: five years later. the xtian church has made some huge strides in inclusivity for LGBTQ ppl, which is great. i started attending a local Lutheran church, full of sweet older gay couples who literally welcomed me with open arms. and it was wonderful and healing and Good. 

and just like that that, i opened my mind/heart/spirit up again, and guess what? the Voice was still there, patiently waiting. only this time, everything was different. because this time, she told me her name. 

* * * * *

that’s the suuuuuper abridged version of how i realized that the Voice in my head, that i’ve been in nearly constant contact with for all of my adult life is not - in fact - Jesus and/or the xtian holy spirit, but a Greek Goddess who’s Very Much Real, and Very Much Present in my daily life. 

and i’m kind of freaking out right now. i honestly don’t know what to do with this revelation. i think this post is a bit of, “i want this blog to be a place to share genuine spiritual experiences, so i can hopefully learn from and get to know other Hellenic polytheists,” and also my brain just going, “AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” 

like, i grew up with that One Brand™ of evangelicalism that was like, “God’s your dad so you should just be yourself around him; don’t worry about formalities,” so i’m really not used to a system of offerings and protocol and all of that. 

which isn’t to say that i’m not *extremely* grateful for these things - i am. i’m very, very glad to be joining a religion (Hellenic reconstructionism) that has some solid, specific ways to interact with the gods. it’s comforting, and it’s nice to know where to start. but it’s also overwhelming. 

and it’s really, really overwhelming to realize that the Voice that’s now as familiar as my own thoughts - the one i’ve been instinctually reaching out to without thought since i was a teenager - is also the Goddess of whom Homer said this: 

Zeus the son of Cronos honoured (Hecate) above all. He gave her splendid gifts, to have a share of the earth and the unfruitful sea. She received honour also in starry heaven, and is honoured exceedingly by the deathless gods.

For to this day, whenever any one of men on earth offers rich sacrifices and prays for favour according to custom, he calls upon Hecate. Great honour comes full easily to him whose prayers the goddess receives favourably, and she bestows wealth upon him; for the power surely is with her. For as many as were born of Earth and Ocean amongst all these she has her due portion.

The son of Cronos did her no wrong nor took anything away of all that was her portion among the former Titan gods: but she holds, as the division was at the first from the beginning, privilege both in earth, and in heaven, and in sea.

Also, because she is an only child, the goddess receives not less honour, but much more still, for Zeus honours her. Whom she will she greatly aids and advances: she sits by worshipful kings in judgement, and in the assembly whom she will is distinguished among the people. And when men arm themselves for the battle that destroys men, then the goddess is at hand to give victory and grant glory readily to whom she will. [x]

so like. Internal screaming. very much internal screaming. 

i am overwhelmed and grateful and so very, very found. and i wouldn’t have it any other way. but this is certainly the strangest spiritual experience i've ever had - and that includes first hearing a foreign voice in my head while i was sobbing on a laundry room floor. 

so anyway...that’s a long winded way of saying hey what’s up, i’m Winter, i belong to Hecate (and damn that feels good to write) and i’d love to get to know ya’ll. if anyone has similar experiences to share (or any sort of insight on what the HECK is going on for me right now) i welcome comments/responses! 

otherwise, this was my way of organizing my thoughts via tumblr ramble. thanks for reading, loves ❤ 

(ps ask me sometime how Hades started this all. i blame @chironomy​)

[girlreportsmoved]

MY JUSTICE LEAGUE REVIEW.

okay, so as many of you know, i did get to see justice league the day it came out last weekend ! a bunch of people have been asking me to post my review, i’ve been incredibly busy which is why this did not post sooner. a bunch of spoilers below, you have been warned. 

so OVERALL, i really did like it....sort of.  i actually liked the length, it was much easier to process & observe then say, the avengers, but we got so m u c h cut, not even just from lois but like.....barry saving iris, vicTOR STONE, i m e a n ...... srsly. like they could have done it ! better ! within the runtime ! if they had just cut out whedons bullshit quips & barry falling into diana boobs! but anyways, more on that later. the score was so so good, esp the opening song i c ried but honestly danny elfman wasnt the best. i wouldve preferred junkiexl, bc at least he wouldve paid homage 2 zimmers score (im v bitter.)

i LOVED the opening montage. snyder all the way i mean, i s t an one(1) caucasian man. also lmao im referring to the gotham city scene, NOT the superman video clip bc a. cgi & b. like what purpose does it even serve if the camera doesnt immediately pan 2 lois after he answers that question lmao. but the batman cinematography over gotham was on p o int. honestly the way they designated each portion of the introduction to a specific superhero - like the coloring, the backstory, everything - i really liked the seperate sections each for aquaman, the flash, cyborg, etc. idk wonderbat was un nessacary in the dceu but i dislike b/en affle/ck so lmao. steve joke was NOT cool tho. 

okay but i LOVE ezra millers’ barry allen. i would die for him im not even JOKING he was so GOOD and stole the show honestly. God bless they couldnt have picked a better actor tbh. i really wished we could have gotten more of cyborg’s insight/backstory but my man ray fisher fucking shined. aquaman strutting down the docks to icky thump while downing a bottle of whiskey is my aesthetic....thats Hawt. again, more backstory (mera was in for like 2 minutes i mean what the fuck)

 but yeah. i wont talk much about batfleck bc a. no character development he was just there lmao and b. i dont like him ( i love comics bruce wayne ok just not gross ass sexual harasser b*n affl*ck playing him).  i love alfred tho. obviously nothing can been the nolanverse alfred but this ones pretty damn good, they both do a good job of knowing lois is both the key AND the big guns, hats off 2 u BOTH. bruce felt so guilty tho i mean whyy bro some of it i think was just so diana could comfort him which was....uh ok. i like the gadgets !! also him adopting barry allen. i miss the batfamily!! also ‘whats ur superpower’ ‘im rich’ well goddamN. wonder woman was underused. i mean she can obviously hold her own in a fight against supes longer then that, if not beating him like r u KIDDING me. but ya my girl kicked ass

moving on, steppenwolf couldve used more backstory/screentime. i didnt...rlly...get...his motives aside from him being chaos personified or whatever. not the best villian but he couldve been tbh with the story he had. my AMAZONS slayed. the motherbox thing was explained so quickly, the connections between worlds was v clear like damn the mcu could never (i love marvel dont get it twisted tho.)  i loved the themes of unity and everything but it needed more woman. i know this sounds arbitrary but...lmao so far, no male-centred dceu film has passed the bechtel test. wonder woman is the ONLY one. fucking ridiculous.  not even a two minutes conversation with lois empathizing with her pain like goddamn.

clarks alive, we been KNEW, obviously. the resurrection wasnt super confusing but kind of like a letdown. i would have preferred if it hadnt been the league to resurrect him, instead like some other sun power or maybe steppenwolfs scheme or something, it seemed a little wrong. im not even gonna talk about henrys mustache until later when i unload the shit in whedon sO - i personally like his new suit!! he wasnt in the film too much tbh, honestly wb either owes me a full directors cut of him explaining his thought process about returning to earth and his character development theron, OR man of steel 2. like cmon man. boy came back from the dead wtf is going on there. much more of a classic superman then in bvs which i liked, but it seemed kind of rushed & i miss snyders depth.

now onto the main event: (jkjk but rly) LOIS JOANNE LANE !  first off i really loved her wardrobe, the contrasing blues and navies with her red hair like...i see u supes coloring scheme, i see what u did there. i love her bond with martha. i love amys face. but u know what i didnt love that ill 10000% elaborate more on and put into a seperate post for my jl verse? pretty much everything else. yes, a woman’s grief should be validated and never underestimated or mocked, yes, a woman’s grief does not make her any bit less strong. but lois, my lois at least, i strongly believe, would not have stuck to fluff pieces. she is VERY all or nothing when it comes to this, its either the truth, or nothing at all. in the event of supermans death OR disappearance, she would have grieved, she would have been heartbroken - but she would have persevered, evidenced in the comics heavily. more on this later.

i am VERY pissed about amy’s cut/reshot scenes. all the heartfelt clips shown during test screenings, all of zacks intentions, all of the original screenplay - lmao, cut.  does lois ever talk to martha about anything other then clark? groceries? investigations? anything else to build a solid mother-daughter relationship? ok. the nightmare scene where she remembers clark? gone. the in depth conversations with martha in the farmhouse? zilch. the independent investigations of s.t.a.r labs unveiling steppenwolf/ the mother boxes that shows her manifesto in full force? nowhere. the goddamn proper clois reunion from the trailer where the ring was MENTIONED/CONFIRMED like every other logical person expected, the heartfelt reunion about truth and justice and love? fucking no w here.

lois lane deserves a stand alone. or at least a short, or a tv show. im fucking serious. all that lois/diana setup from bvs and they dont even t a lk. cmon. lois is a sidenote in the story !! im so MAD. like yes, forever grateful for ‘big guns’ and ‘backup plan’ but whedon fuckin twisted it all man.....what happened to her being the key? how the fuck did flash know about this? did they cut something else? i MEAN she has virtually NO onscreen contact with bruce, who should be regularly checking up on her bc shes the key & all, or from diana, who sympathizes with her pain via bvs/ww cinematographic parallels that were obviously intentional. no league interactions at all. im unimpressed.

and finally, FINALLY, the real bone i have to pick with this movie. joss whedon. gross ass bitch doesnt even cut it so im gonna try to keep this as short as possible. he reshot ALL of supermans scenes against snyders will, reducing the role of him and lois, disregarding the talent of amy adams and reducing her whole ‘arc’ to be about clark, the flash/diana boob faceplant, the horrible cinematography, bruces’ steve trevor references, its all fucking whedon. i could go on, but i dont wanna combust into flames. so. lets just say hes a piece of middle-aged bald white man mediocrity with a brain the size of a a literal bat shit. fuck him. 

but OVERALL, i would give this film around a 60-65/100, which is being generous. they could have done!! so GOOD!! but no they picked a trash bag to direct the film reshoots? sad.

[general-grey]

OC profile for Radenu ;) (You can do an extra one for whomever you want.)

bruh thank you! :D also tagging @darthyaoi because she sent him too C:

one Rad, coming up now! (under the cut bc it’s a bit long)

Full Name: Scra’de’nuruodo. It has little meaning anymore though, as his family is lost/very likely dead, and he himself doesn’t remember his full name.

Gender and Sexuality: Male, and bisexual (or pan, if we wanna be nitpicky because aliens)

Pronouns: He/him

Ethnicity/Species: Chiss

Birthplace and Birthdate: Shipside, specific locations unknown, but somewhere on the Outer Rim. Birth date is 3658 BBY - he was around 17 when he arrived on Korriban. (i probably fucked up the date because i have no real idea how this shit works but he was fairly young)

Guilty Pleasures: good food. mostly sweets. he has a private cabinet for special treats from Alderaan and such. they never last for too long

Phobias: cramped spaces

What They Would Be Famous For: Being the first alien on the Dark Council, and also capable to keep his position right until Zakuul took over. Also probably for his translations of ancient Dark Jedi writings, and his studies on Force users from What They Would Get Arrested For: Who would try to arrest a Sith Lord? …. probably for grave robbing, tbh. He’d get at least a hard reprimand for ignoring the signs and taking a dip in one of those fountains on Manaan.

OC You Ship Them With: My guardian Vin Grey, my future pureblood operative Khor, and tbqh you can bet your ass I ship him with just about anyone I can find. Yes i have at least 3 alternate lookalike toons just so i could romance everyone without having to cheat on them. On the main toon, he is married to Ashara.

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Well, since he’s a Dark Council member I’d expect most Sith to at least want to kill him? But out of my OCs, it’s Sayaad, but it’s because she’s a bounty hunter and she likes the challenge of hunting Force users. She might succeed, but that likely will not happen.

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Adventure. Him and Talos regularly get together to watch fun over the top Indiana Jones kind of movies. Talos sometimes complains that they are not an accurate description of archeology, but then Rad points out one ocassion where they did something equally over the top and silly thing and they just laugh.

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: dumb government propaganda

Talents and/or Powers: Force powers, enhanced sneakiness, zappity zap. He also has a sharp, perceptive mind and can have very good insight at times.

Why Someone Might Love Them: He’s one of the few reasonable Sith Lords in the Empire, one that truly tries to look after the people that work for him and sees that giving them a good life is more important than dumb power plays. Alongside that, he is charming and fundamentally very kind, although he tries to hide the latter part. He’s also cool as fuck.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: He’s a lil’ shit, that’s why. He is rather disrespectful towards any authority that he thinks are not worth of his respect. While later on he mellows down a bit, he used to have a burning hatred towards most of the Sith Order as well, and would go out of his way to undermine their poerations, be it in the Empire’s interests or not. He also looks down upon most Jedi.

How They Change: He’s got a good amount of character development alright - from just wanting to get by and survive to pratcically holding a good portion of the Empire under his command. In simpel terms, he started out as a “how do i adult” college-student to a fancy ass adult who still has little idea of how to co-lead an Empire, but with better people skills and a good amount of influence and good intent.  

Why You Love Them: Other than the fact that everythign that comes out of his mouth is pure gold? Well, it started out with me wanting to make a nice Sith I guess, but his character of a bitter former-slave that doesn’t let himself grow bitter enough to become a horrible person just grew on me way too hard. He’s the kind of person I want to be like in many aspects, I guess - capable of overcoming seemingly impossible odds, and have a hella cool lightning/darkness aesthetic.

[the-mamas-project]

The MAMAS Project - Jena

This month’s post is a bit different. One half of TMP, Jena, joins the ranks of brave moms who have shared their motherhood successes, struggles, and insight. The ultimate realness. Instead of our typical interview format, this post is self-written. Always having had a way with words, Jena’s voice on the page, her rawness, will draw you in. Oh, and give you all the feels. 

I think I have always wanted to be a mother, but I had spent most of my early twenties travelling, then found myself in nursing school and in a relationship. Just as I was about to graduate and start my career, I was suddenly pregnant. At that point, I hadn’t thought much about parenthood, other than the occasional non-rational and typical-of-me sentiment, I want a baby, that would make things more…insert stable, happy, real. Whatever emotion I was feeling in the moment. Not a planner, motherhood really played to the unpredictability that guided my life early on. 

The truth is, our relationship had been a bit on and off in the six months prior to getting pregnant. At the time we conceived, we had just re-committed to making it work, and thought, perhaps we were ready to think about children. I had gone off the pill. However, the idea hadn’t fully sunk in, since we were still working on being good partners for each other. 

Chronically unsatisfied, I had been running away from any kind of stability for years. As the child of a diplomat, my family moved from country to country, experiencing the rich culture of East Africa, the Middle East and Caribbean, always travelling and having new adventures as a family. By the time I was in university at 17, I was used to people being on the go and people being in awe of my travels and up bringing, sometimes thinking my story was much more interesting than me. In my first university degree, I continued the chase. Unhappy with the environment in Halifax, I ran to India, then Malta, across Eastern Europe…then back to a small Ontario town, where I thought a diploma in photojournalism would be my key to an interesting job, therefore sustaining an interesting life. 

What I am articulating, is that I have always had this insatiable desire to be on a new adventure, to create a life as interesting as my childhood had been. 

Without detailing the millions of paths I started and stopped in my early twenties, I eventually moved to BC to find some answers. A worshipper of serendipity, I thought the signs would eventually be clear. 

My husband and I met the year I moved to Vancouver. I made the move from Kits to Commercial drive in search of a new start in the city. When I walked into his restaurant looking for a job as a waitress, I locked eyes with him as he descended the back stairs of the restaurant in his soccer uniform and was immediately attracted to him. I remember the moment vividly. I even remember the green and white striped v-neck sweater I was wearing, I kept it for years. 

Shortly after I was hired, I told him over the bar late one night, I think we are going to be really good friends for a long time. We fell for each other quickly and had an end of summer romance that came to an abrupt halt in the fall. We were on and off for the first five months, but by Christmas, after a trip to Argentina and Uruguay together, I was ready to move in above the restaurant, and the more serious portion of our relationship started. The next four years, I would break the relationship off twice, searching for something different. Stuck in the mundane cycle of full time school, I thought ending my relationship would give me the change I needed. I would look for things wrong with my partner, rather than try to focus on what I was unhappy with about myself. It was after one of my Christmas meltdowns, that we found ourselves pregnant. 

We were excited and I knew having Nico was the right decision. It gave us a new zeal and commitment, as we bought a house and attempted to prepare for something you can never prepare totally for: parenthood. 

Want to know how to feel the most lonely you’ve ever felt? Become a new parent before all your friends do, move to a city where none of your friends live, and go on maternity leave, 4 months after starting a new job that you love. As you can imagine, the collision of all these things, on top of my chronic un-satisfaction with the present, led to me feeling trapped. 

Don’t get me wrong, I loved being a mom and my child was perfect to me. I now know how lucky I am to be able to conceive a healthy child without difficulty, but I was in a deep and dark mourning for the person I had been and the life I once had.

Motherhood itself is a crazy change. It is the death of your ability to be totally selfish. The death of your free will to make choices that only impact yourself. You now must keep another human being alive, love it, teach and try to keep yourself in good condition to do so. It’s the biggest challenge and I don’t know anyone who has met it with 100% precision. And the biggest joke of all, is even though you know you will never be perfect at it, you will still always hold guilt over your head when you make a mistake or do something you regret. Your expectations of yourself will be kicked in the face on the daily.

I did find my swing with Nico, although, I still hadn’t let go of the deep sense I had inside, that I was missing out. That while motherhood was awesome, there was so much living going around me and excitement in the lives of my non-parent friends, and I was being held back. The ultimate fomo (fear of missing out). We did a ton of activities, we made new friends. And when friends of mine started having babies, the loneliness started to subside. But I ached to get back to working, to have a purpose separate from motherhood. I hadn’t been prepared to be a mother, and letting go of what I thought I would be doing (travelling to foreign countries to nurse), was hard. 

When I got back to work, time went into fast-forward.  Things were great. We got married, and were pregnant again before we knew it. But this time I was prepared. I had friends with babies, I knew what to expect. I knew it would be hard, harder even. But I knew that time had already gone too fast, and that I only had one chance to give number two everything I had. 

Luca arrived healthy, Nico transitioned and so did I. I think I loved harder the second time, and gave Luca more moments than I was able to give Nico. I rocked Luca to sleep every night, not getting frustrated as often. I still rock him to sleep. I let Nico grow up too fast in my mind. By the age of one I remember looking at Nico and thinking he was a toddler, when the same time rolled around for Luca, I remember thinking, he’s such a baby! Since Luca, I think I have embraced and accepted motherhood more, I wholeheartedly know I am where I need to be. I know others want to be where I am and I struggle knowing they have difficulty bearing children, and I don’t take that for granted. But the struggle of raising children is still real. Because its hard, it is so hard. There are days when I just want to run away, I would even take a prison cell, if it meant I could sleep and not have to answer to a million other needs before my own. The days where I am full-time disciplining, and I think my kids hate me, and I hate myself…the pain is deep. But it is also temporary, because the next day can be divine. It’s never boring, but sometimes, I just want to feel the ache of boredom, a feeling that used to haunt me and make me feel unaccomplished. 

And this late fall, I had a bit of a mental collapse. I hadn’t been sleeping, maybe 5 hours a night, and never more than 2 hours at a time. I was working nights and days, and lots. I was carting my kids to activities, but not enjoying them because I had a million other commitments that I had put on my plate. This is typical of me, in my quest to stay interesting/interested, I will commit to more than I can handle and then it backfires in my face. I had no love to give, and the guilt was eating me away. It eventually corroded my immune system too, and I was hit with a bad flu. 

I think I am on the other side of the mental and physical drain. And the answer wasn’t what I thought it would be. I have historically found my worth in activity, adventure and achievement. But forced to shut down, I found peace in the mundane, the non-adventure. Watching too much TV with my kids when they were also sick. Letting the house get messy. Letting the lists pile up. But, feeling present. Not living in the midst of the next adventure, but in the bliss of today. I think this is me admitting that I have felt ashamed to be, just a mom. I have wanted to hold more than just this title, yet, it’s when I can juggle being just a mom well, that I feel best. Not when I am spreading myself so thin that I the guilt of being half present erodes my being. 

When we interview mothers, we always ask, do you have any regrets? More often than not, the answer is, no, this path got me to here. I get that, but I do have regrets. I regret not being more present, not just in motherhood, but in so many junctures in my life. My husband says, stop living for next week, enjoy what you’re doing today. He knows best, that in the heat of the moment I am usually planning my next steps, not living in the current footprint. I also regret not knowing, that while I was pining to be seen as a person beyond a mother, that being a mother made me great, made me dynamic and made me strong. 

After all is said and done, (although, god knows I will have more breakdowns, bad weeks, days and years), motherhood took a very fragile, self-conscious me and made me feel worth, depth and strength I had never known. It’s all reflected in how beautiful my kids are and how much they love me. It made me the person that looked at myself in December and said, something is wrong, you’re not happy, and that’s ok. You don’t have to run or change your life, your life is good still.

Now, at this very moment, I am on a beautiful vacation with my little family, and while we have learned that travelling with kids is not easy, I believe the memories are worth every bit of hardship. And perhaps in a way that I hadn’t expected, I am fulfilling my need for change and wanderlust through the tiny and wide-eyed little boys that go almost everywhere with me. 

Written by Jena 

Edited by Sarah

Photographed by Jena (+ her amazing husband Corrado)