#love: power of another world (KOS‑MOS)

[tritemagicalsatire]

"The Scapegoat and The Villain"

A Tarot Reading by Ares

---A past collective reading from Sept. 19, 2024, posted at 3:22 pm---

Pic: Reversed Death Arcana from Persona 4 (a game screenshot)

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"One has denied of His voice, but not His actions to justify His way of faith."

- a line from my own poem, must gatekeep HAHAHA!!

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Good morning, madlang folks! 🥳

Maaaring late na ako sa balita, pero, how are you noong Lunar Eclipse in Pisces event? Lawit na ba ang mga dila sa kapaguran? Jonks! We must rest in peace sa katahimikan at kadiliman upang tayo'y magpahinga at manahimik sa ating mga kama in this bed weather season. The Lunar Eclipse in Pisces reminds us na matulog muna kung kinakailangan at susunod na yang mga gawain na yan. Even reflecting things can be tiring, make sure you are in a right state of mind to think about it. The world will wait, your health comes first muna. Batugan mode base sa POV ng burnout society, joke! 😉

Ingat sa s4kit, mga folks! Except sa problemang pag-ibig dahil love is everywhere and love is in the air (inutot ni Cupid), yikes charotski! Labyu! 🤘

Ito na, let's begin!

Since follower din ako ng Tarot Radio PH, something has made me thinking dun sa isa sa mga live na collective reading na noong isang araw ko lang pinakinggan. Something made me think of another own quotings in my writings na pwede maging topic for today's reading and at the same time, a poem pero tinatago ko muna for myself because I need to make it longer for a reason that me and myself is the only audience for that poem. A shadow work poem, in particular. Just a line will suffice pangdagdag info sa araw na ito. Hehe...

The scapegoat and the villain, both the madmans of the Uni-verse of collective hooman multiverse for me. Ang isang scapegoat na ubod ng self-sacrificial to the point of k1lling themselves "wisely" (because they justify it with "inhumane" respect to that principle, and with great optimism pa nga kung minsan kaya nagagawa nilang sumunod dito like it's some kind of duty to do so) while the villain presents themselves as an "incarnate of evil" or "Satan himself in human form" basta mga sumasalungat sa batas ng nakararami because they feel sh1t sa kasusunod sa layaw ng lipunan and they feel suffocated from it, like, they had enough from it. Both rely in their ways of thinking about faith and how they are so sure of it talaga to the point of forgetting their own humanity. Parehong may victim complex at may kanya-kanyang pamamaraan ng pagbubulakbol at pagpapasensyoso sa pinanghahawakang prinsipyo.

Stagnancy rises hangga't wala ring nakontrang matinong rationale sa isang prinsipyong matagal nang hinubog ng panahon at hindi natinag sa bawat sitwasyon. Matigas na makunat pa. Nako! That sometimes even the authorities and with their utmost power and tools na pwedeng magamit in every possible way can't help them kahit anong hila sa kanila palayo sa kanilang nakapako nilang kinasasadlakan.

Most of the unbalanced principles na meron sila ay nanggagaling sa kanilang unhealed wounds na hindi pa tukoy kung saan nanggagaling basta mostly nyan ay nasa nakaraan titingnan at nagmamanifest hanggang kasalukuyang panahon.

If there is one near you, or are you one, gaano kahaba ang pasensya mo sa mga katulad nila o katulad mo? At ano ang gagawin mo kung papaano mo sila panghahawakan? 🥱

Here... Susubukan kong bigyan ng emphasis ang point of views ng dalawang panig na ito and how they manifest in their own ways base sa interpretations ko, but still, ang complexity nyan ay syempre nakadepende sa bawat individual. Take what resonates and alisin ang hindi.

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The Scapegoat:

(8 of spades reversed, 9 of hearts upright)

Tell me why you did it

Every dream falling apart

Tell me why you did it

After the promise

Still aching, still aching

Oh, baby, I need your love

-Heartbeat, Heartbreak (Persona 4 OST)

Seeking refuge, and personal freedom by means of restricting oneself sa pagsalo ng pwetmalung bad karma ng iba and ang malupit pa rito ay sila mismo ang napag-iinitan, as if one lives for it while they d1e alone and gradually dahil sa totoo lang ay despite their God-given gifts (kahit ang pagpapasensya sa mga katulad ng ganito ay quite a feat naman talaga) on doing something ay wala man lang "sukli" sa kanilang kabutihan and yet, their so-called "nature" tells them to do it kahit naaagrabyado na sila o dehado na sila from their own limitations. Kung sumama man ang loob, wala rin sila magawa — o sabihin nating iniisip nila na wala silang magagawa dahil they subjected themselves to it out of love na alipin ng damdamin lang without basis ng logic or out of spite as if one is nasa isang hostage situation. Feeling or thinking na laging "walang choice".

Guilt tripping and gaslighting ang may malaking factors kung bakit nagmamanifest kay Scapegoat ang ganung klaseng mindset. Kahit degradation can give attention din naman talaga sa mga katulad nila, parang pagdila lang ng breadcrumbs sa lapag tapos inaamag pa masabi lang na "ok lang, panglaman tiyan din yan!" tapos hyping sa paligid na "sige dig in! Basta nakakain!".

Nako! Lalong pinagmukhang timang. Tapos ang tyaga-tyaga pang makisalamuha! 🙄😆

Tapos ito pa, paulit-ulit pa sa pag-asang may magbabago pa roon sa other party pero sige ang lapit dahil akala may mawawala. Welp, for your safety mga Scapegoat folks, better avoid or detach paunti-unti or stop na talaga sa mga taong mahilig mang-akusa at mambaliktad (tapos nan4nakit pa) nang walang sapat na basis para maging safe, secured, and sane ka pa.

Hays... There is freedom more than being free sa pagiging Scapegoat because you "chose" it and may "freedom to choose" naman, mga folks! Hindi porket may kalayaan ay tinatake advantage na ng mga oppressors (maski of the Self) ang magago sa buong lifetime. Wala ka sa BDSM set-up hoy! Make sure you know your rights as an individual person. 🤦🏼‍♂️😆

Pagsawaan mo na yang kadena na yan, lubid naman! Tapos sunod, goma naman. HAHA!!👌🤣

Charot...

A question... Mawawalan ba ng saysay ang buhay kung walang ipeplease na ibang tao na wala naman talagang essence sa life natin? Bakit hindi natin subukan ang ating mga sarili na bigyang halaga starting this day? Bakit ba? Paladesisyon ako eh. Ayusin mo buhay mo hoy! 😆🙄

Just one try... not once, but when it happens kapag umiral ang resentment dulot ng kasasalo sa bigat ng ibang tao. Baka sakali lang, try lang. Pagaanin din ang sariling buhay nang may tamang balanse at naaangkop. 😉

A quote to ponder:

"I am a cage, in search of a bird."

- Franz Kafka

-----

The Villain:

(8 of hearts reversed, 5 of clubs reversed)

Turning misery into meaningfulness

Changing day after day

Your affection, your affection, taking pride from fear

Past will tell you when to make yourself a hero

-Your Affection (Persona 4 OST)

A villain to many, a hero to some...

Why is that?

I'm gonna get myself cancelled sa ganireng wikaan, lols. We think of a villain as certified a-hole characters na hindi deserve mabuhay, maski kumain at uminom kung papalarin ang self-righteous selves natin just to freaking t0rtur3 them HAHAHA!!

Reclusion, repulsion, revenge... mga sawa na sa sariling kahinaan ang mga ganitong tao.

Eh, mabuhay ba naman sa oppressive household or lipunan na umaabot sa punto na ang lala na ng amats ng mga ganito na kailangan na nilang ilabas ang pagkabarumbado't pusong bato nila like you know, atleast they are being hero to themselves kahit minsan. There are times that others follow because of the confidence they have for themselves. People like certainty din talaga in the midst of unpredictable but certain kind of vi0lence. Sabik na sabik sa pagbabago, like they need to do it with utmost respect sa kanilang nature na may dapat mabago sa kanilang current shituation as per their personal POV. Hearts in so much self-indulgence along with mindless and reprehensible hedonistic anarchism may lead to reckless actions that will cause unfavorable situations and sudden change of course sa life na kung saan ay hindi na mismo macontrol ng Villain ang mga nangyayari sa kanyang buhay due to those "unfavorable" SHITuations na gumulo at patuloy na gumugulo sa kanyang "pagkavillain" dahil sa maikling sabi ay ang pangit ng kanyang pag-uugali at pag-iisip kasi, yung tipong ang mga self-righteous peeps ay mapapasabi ng "buti nga!". Charots. Masyadong pangkupal ang labas HAHAHA!

Hindi... ganito, ganito...

Kahit gaano pa sila "kasama" sa "moralist society standards", they don't deserve kung ano mang pangbabaldado ng pananaw na ininstill din nila sa sarili nila na nagmumula sa lipunang tinarantado at ginutom ang kanilang sikmura.

Plakda! Plakda! Ang barado't matigas na sistema sa mga katulad nilang nakatikim ng paghihingalo pamulat sa mundo ng kabilang parte ng moralidad at sosyedad 'pagkat ang mundo ay hindi lamang sa kanila naikot dahil bawat taong makasalamuha ay lubhang mga inosente at nangangapa lamang sa buhay na walang kasiguraduhan.

Nawa'y hindi na maulit ang malungkot na genre ng buhay na ito, bagkus, kaawaan ang kasamaang nanaig sa pusong pinuno ng pagkamasalimuot kahit sa totoo lang ay imposible ito dahil sa pagbabalanse ni Universe sa bagay-bagay. All we can do is to take it as a lesson if may ibang tao na naging ganito sa atin kung nasa Villain era sila, simply detach and motivate yourself to be a Villain of them naman, but with a twist of goodness and righteousness for the both of you and mas pabor syempre sa sarili dahil alam na ang tama sa hindi, not just feeling but by thinking kung ano ang talagang kasalanan na sumasalungat at prinsipyong sablay at wala sa hulog kaya wala rin sa tamang ayos. Wasak ang equilibrium ng individualism at collectivism, ayun naging individualism vs. collectivism.

Clash between two worlds na hindi naman necessary dahil wala naman talagang lalaban at walang kalaban in the first place kung hindi ang mga sarili tapos ang pangit ng delivery ng mga personal demands sa life. 🤣😅

Misunderstood parehong panig kung tutuusin tapos self-righteous world is ang lala ng mga binabatong interpretations. Ay jusmiyo yawa!! XD

Basta may moral grounding ka pa sa buhay ay kaaawaan mo na lang ang mga tulad nilang hindi nakawala sa sistemang gusto nila sila lang ang pakikinggan at susundin. Kung ikaw man ay pending malalang Villain ng masa, mag-isip isip ka na dahil malalang pagsasabotahe ang gagawin mo sa sarili mo dahil magiging katulad ka na ng bagay na kinamumuhian mo. Sige konti pa, destruction occurs and war will follow. Ano gusto mo? Ikaw ang magpapasimula o sila? Kaya mo bang dungisan ang mukha mo kung ikaw man ang magpapasimuno? Sana maayos pang maihatid ang pakikiaklas patungong kalayaang deserve mo, make it a peaceful kind of war. No need for bloodsh3d, sana ano? If may manipulation malala, need ng mga professional na mamamagitan like some mental health therapist or a spiritual counselor kumporme sa personal beliefs for some objective kind of knowledge — an unbiased one. 😅🤣

Ang tanong, sino ang totoong Villain sa inyo? Ikaw na pending bida sa sarili mong buhay (you must reclaim your power) o yung feeling bida at talagang bida-bidang other party na kinamumuhian mo. Good luck investigating that matter. Patulong kayo sa iba (at sana sa iba't ibang prinsipyo para mapag-isipan maigi) if needed para sa balanseng moral grounding while doing the deed. Hehe... 😉🥱

A quote to ponder:

"Being against evil doesn't make you good. Tonight I was against it and then I was evil myself. I could feel it coming just like a tide... I just want to destroy them."

- Ernest Hemingway

[iviarellereads]

The Eye of the World, Chapter 16 - The Wisdom

(THIS PROJECT IS SPOILER FREE! No spoilers past the chapter you click on. Curious what I'm doing here? Read this post! For the link index and a primer on The Wheel of Time, read this one! Like what you see? Send me a Ko-Fi.)

(Leaves and vine icon)(1) In which attraction is definitely in the air.

The young men enter the inn, and Min draws Rand aside to tell him that the woman that's just arrived is part of "it", what's to happen to all of them, and they're in more danger now that she's here.(2) Rand tells her it's impossible. Thom and Mat get impatient to go see Nynaeve and get this over with, so he leaves Min with a promise that Nynaeve means no harm to them.(3)

They enter the room where Nynaeve and Moiraine are sitting in chilly silence, Nyn tugging at her braid in frustration. Rand walks right in and takes a seat halfway between them, and the rest follow suit slowly. Lan and Moiraine are curious how Nynaeve found them. To this she replies that she can track as well as any man in the Two Rivers, and she followed their trail, though there was nowhere for them to go except Baerlon. Lan compliments her, saying few can track a trail he's taken pains to cover. She gets embarrassed and hides in her cup of wine.(4)

Moiraine asks Nynaeve to answer some of her questions, and Nyn asks why she should answer any questions or keep any of their secrets. Thom points out that the Whitecloaks would swarm the inn like angry bees if they knew what Mo was, and take the young folks with her for questioning.(5) Nyn points out that's just one more reason for the kids to come home with her. She doesn't believe a word of their story that the Trollocs are chasing the boys. There's some uproar as each in turn asks what their guardians thought of their leaving, and Nyn reiterates that they're all worried about the kids.

Rand speaks up to say that none of this changes anything. They need to keep going on. Nyn is about to tell him off, when Mo says that her use of the Power gives her protection. None of them can be hurt by a Myrddraal near her, and Lan can sense Trollocs a quarter mile away.

Mo asks Egwene to take everyone else and leave. They go out into the hall, Lan relaxing against the door once the rest move far enough away not to overhear. Thom keeps going to perform, and the youngins settle quietly.

When Nyn opens the door, some time later, Lan goes in past her, and she glares at Rand, who realizes the others have all slipped off while he was lost in thought. Nyn sees Rand, and she seems to accept that they think they need to leave, though she still hopes to convince them to come home.

Nyn says Rand has grown when he asks why she's there, and not someone else. She's as important to the town as the mayor. She tells him that the town was split on what to do about them, and she could see that it would be at least another day before they came to any decision. She knew somehow that it couldn't wait that long, so she came herself.(6)

Rand asks what Mo said in the room, and Nyn says more of the same, and she wanted to know if the boys were all born in Emond's Field, or if any was born away. Rand laughs nervously and says he hopes she assured Mo they were all born in the town. Nyn hesitates only a little before saying yes, of course. Rand realizes that if Nyn knows, then Tam's fever mumbling was true. He tells her what he heard from Tam, and she says that Tam left when he was Rand's age, and came back with a wife and a child, and Kari al'Thor looked at Rand with all the love any parent ever had for a child.(7)

Rand asks what Nyn is going to do next, and she says she's going to have a bath, and see about the rest.

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(1) A leaf, like woodcraft and tracking and Nynaeve's herbal remedies. (2) Oho, so Nynaeve was introduced as she was for a reason. What part do you think she has to play, besides the protective older sibling? (3) Clearly Nynaeve hasn't taken quite the precautions Lan and Moiraine did on her way north, she certainly wasn't likely to have done something like bribe Hightower, the ferryman, so that he wouldn't tell anyone where she'd gone. Make no wonder that Min's visions say they're in more danger with Nynaeve caught up to them: her goals didn't involve staying hidden, they only involved taking her kids home. (4) Nyn's not the only one a little flustered. Lan is quite shocked she could find anything to follow. And he paid her and her late father a compliment, unmitigated by criticism. (5) Since when does Thom defend Moiraine and her reputation? He's been her biggest critic on this trip so far, but here he is, defending her and her Warder and far too vehemently to be just for the sake of the kids. One of my favourite theories is how Ali on the Wheel Takes podcast has shipped Thom and Moiraine since Mo's "Master Bard" comment back in Emond's Field, it's subtle but there are pieces there to see if you put on 'shipper glasses for a minute. (6) So Mo waltzes into town and calls Nyn a child, hitting the pressure point she's already got sore from being in a position of authority so young for several years and looking young besides. Then Mo and the boys and Egg, Nyn's own apprentice, disappear in the night, and you might see here how Nyn is very much in the line of Terry Pratchett's witches as a Wisdom, since she protects what's hers, dangit. If the councils were gonna take too long, she was gonna take it upon herself to do the right thing and drag those troublesome youngsters back herself. Make no wonder why she's angry at Mo, but also look how soft she is with Rand after! (7) Blood isn't all that makes family. It's one factor that can contribute. Whether or not Rand was adopted, it makes no difference to how he was and is loved by his dad. I love how the story makes absolutely no question or ambiguity out of this.

[fff777]

I just learned about the Save One, Drop One game so I'm going to try it out! Here's the video for the Exo edition.

I made some choices I did not expect I would make. I actually think the toughest decisions are between two songs I don't care for lol. The only time I really struggled between two songs I really liked was #60 .

Cream Soda vs. Lotto

Artificial Love vs. The Eve

Private Party vs. Ooh La La La

Butterfly Effect vs. White Noise

Candy (Baekhyun) vs. Bambi (Baekhyun)

Love Shot vs. Tempo

Hurt vs. Baby Don't Cry

Paradise vs. Touch It

Blooming Days (CBX) vs. Hey Mama! (CBX)

One and Only vs. What If..

Monster vs. Obsession

Oasis vs. Runaway

Trauma vs. CInderella

She's Dreaming vs. Fall

Jekyll vs. Going Crazy

Rover (Kai) vs. Mmmh (Kai)

Black Pearl vs. Machine

Unfair vs. The First Snow

Forever vs. Sign

Stronger vs. Lights Out

Call Me Baby vs. Love Me Right

Hear Me Out vs. Boomerang

Gravity vs. Baby You Are

El Dorado vs. Diamond

Promise vs. Cosmic Railway

Mama vs. History

Trouble vs. Damage

Chill vs. Cloud 9

Beautiful vs. Baby

Rose (D.O.) vs. Beautiful Goodbye (Chen)

Electric Kiss vs. Coming Over

Love Fool vs. Tender Love

Can't Bring Me Down vs. Transformer

Been Through vs. Let Me In

Non Stop vs. Heaven

What a Life (SC) vs. 1 Billion Views (SC)

Ya Ya Ya vs. Regret It

Smile on my face vs. Walk on memories

Power vs. Don't Fight the Feeling

Exodus vs. Lady Luck

Stay vs. With You

Ko Ko Bop vs. Growl

Love Again (Baekhyun) vs. Cry For Love (Baekhyun)

24/7 vs. Sweet Lies

Universe vs. Sing For You

Brand New (Xiumin) vs. Hurdle (Suho)

No Makeup vs. Groove

Playboy vs. Thunder

Bad Dream vs. They Never Know

Lightsaber vs. Overdose

Beautiful (Baekhyun) vs. Stay With Me (Chanyeol, Punch)

What U Do? vs. Another Day

For Life vs. Miracles in December

Ka-Ching! (CBX) vs. Horololo (CBX)

Don't Go vs. Lucky

Monodrama (Lay) vs. Curtain (Suho)

Lovin' You Mo vs. Into My World

Peaches (Kai) vs. UN Village (Baekhyun)

Lucky One vs. Dancing King (feat. Yoo Jaesuk)

Just as Usual vs. Day After Day

We Young (SC) vs. Young (Baekhyun, Loco)

[benefits1986]

Kids or No Kids?

My dad seems to have his high hopes again. Kinikilig pa rin daw pala ako sa lalaki. I told him that it was just a basketball game and that it's purely transactional. I gave in to his banat this time around. Happy ako e and getting better na rin though pagod and brain fog pa rin. I asked, "Dad, seryoso bang iniisip mong may chance na mag-anak ako. 37 na ako." He replied, "Oo naman. Nanay ko nga 45 'yung bunso e. Ikaw pa ba? Saka puwede pa 'yan." I followed up with, "So, kung bibigyan kita ng apo, lalaki ba o babae?" Dad immediately whacked me saying, "Lalaki at babae." DAFUDGE. Hahahahaha. Okay. Bukas na bukas din, magpapabuntis na ako since wala naman akong porblema sa pagiging runaway single parent. Sana lang kamukha ko kasi ako ang nagpasan ng daigdig. Honestly, parang 'yun ang mas practical route. Parang mas sustainable kasi sanay naman akong gumapang sa lusak at umiyak-tawa sa complications ng life and beyond. Get laid. Get a baby. Raise a baby. Hustle. Breakdown. Bawi. Laban. Repeat. CHZ. Puwede rin naman patanggal ko na uterus ko bukas na bukas din. Para tapos na. Or puwedeng matupad wish ko na mag-menopause na for realzzzz. Ang tagal. Inip na inip na ako. LOL. My soul sister and have been talking about our quest to a NO KID adult life. She's happily married while I'm trying to give love another good chance (SHEMAYYYY. Nakakatakot.) Ako, nasa part na feeling ko talaga hindi ko kayang umire as in baka mamatay ako as an overthinker. Siya naman andun na sa after ng ire. Sabi ko mas advanced pa siya sa akin so I guess that's progress. :D LELS.

As we're in our "heal the inner children" era along with countless millennials and Gen X (kahit ayaw nilang aminin na may issues sila sa inner child nila) so, pasok na sa CHILD or CHILDREN 'yun 'di ba? Alagaan muna namin at pastulin. LELS.

And so, we're on a mega deduction and inductive reasoning like our Philo 101 class about why we choose not to have kids. Syempre, enter our favorite... because women take the larger shit pile kahit na super okay pa nung partner mo. Motherhood is not for all even though it is a rudimentary part of the social fiber. Not to dim the light of fatherhood ha. We're not as crass as before. LOL. I told you, I am trying. CHZ. Pero, now, moms usually need and want a life on top of unpaid work aka the shit show called career. HAHAHAHA. While it's actually ideal to have a mom inside a house to build a healthy, happy and humble home, it's but a rarity these days na may babaeng ultimate dream ang maging housewife. Even typing it is ugh. I remember cringing every time I write "housewife" sa occupation ng nanay ko. Hindi ko talaga nilalagay na N/A or none kasi I feel that being a housewife is a career path on its own; unpaid, horrid and self-shitting. 'Di ba? Parang any work lang din siya, but wait... ang KPI ng nanay walang kapantay. Society and its state, one kid at a time. So, motherhood success metrics don't compare to ANY job in the market; kahit 6 or 7 figures pa net annual income mo. Tabi.

Naniniwala akong dapat sa era na 'to or in my next lifetime, iba na dapat ang thinking and doing ng madlang people. Making a home should be a two-way street. Ayaw natin ng one-way in every sense of the word. Haha. Raising kids should be a collaborative session 24/7. Supposing co-parenting or may partner ka etong scenarios na 'to. Parenting must not be a nod to social constructs. It must be a constant choice and an everyday hustle. Kids must not be retirement plans, in the same manner that they should not be an instrument of parents with shit shows that they dress to the nines.

Ergo, ekis. LOL. Kasi ako, gusto ko na lang 'yung chill lang ako for once in my life naman as pilit na bidang-kontrabida po sa family matters and even my other worlds, na feeling ko may auto-immune dogshow na tayo sa ating system pero wala akong pake kasi I will fucking power through to make mother dragon proud and me, too. Too much cortisol levels na po nasynthesize ng ating system plus overthinker po tayo, opo. Gusto ko na lang maging let it be mom if and only if matripan ko mag-pivot. Ganun lang. Ayoko ng maging captain ball, timon, tambuli and all the shebang. LOL. Hindi naman ako magiging pabigat, definitely. Pero hindi ko rin sure because saltik is real. Kung may technology na 'yung sperm donor ko aka partner or whatever you call it ang magkaroon ng labor as in the contractions, I will reconsider. Para medyo hindi naman ako lang ang bibira sa labor session. Labo 'di ba? Sana may dystopian reality na 'yung ganun, soon. CHZ. Since we're already in the topic, when I came this content piece back when it was trending ages ago, huy. Eto na nga. Syempre, branded content and consumerism na naman po as a sweet ad game, pero what's not bound by consumption? Next time ko na 'to expound. Marami akong hugot dito. When I watched this alam mo 'yung okay... gets ko 'yung gusto mo maging parent because... pero 'wag mo akong idamay. Mula noon hanggang ngayon, ganun pa rin. Well, pinanood ko ulit just now and medyo may character arc development naman. Siguro if may window na maging mutant na okay 'yung anak ko, why not? LOL. Eto na naman po tayo. So, I am the tita of the bayan, zooming in and out in the lives of my kiddos. LOL. Will update that bit as well bilang lolollolloll ang mga Gen Z at Gen Alpha kiddos ko. Aba.

However, hindi ako anti-children ha. Kailangan natin ng bahagdan ng lipunan na naniniwala sa miracle of life, sa children are the future. Ganern.

[stitchedhart]

Always Be My Little Girl

July 24, 2023. Andrea Vanessa, you are there and i am here – you at 14, me the mother of a 14-year-old girl! While im sure you are thinking, "four more years and i will be an adult." Omo! thats way to fast to think about it yet! 😂

Seeing that you made it through thirteen, you can now walk the hallowed halls of teendom at fourteen. Enjoy this year, and be sure to get the most of it before hitting another lap around the sun, yeah?!

Here's some of the truths i know that you should hold close to your heart!

Choose your path wisely. There will be many. This is your life, your journey. Follow the route you think its best for you (ill be on bay though, if you happen to get lost along the journey)

Make lots of friends and surround yourself with people who inspire, understand, love you and make you feel good about being you!

Have confidence in yourself. Power, strength, ability, and value are guaranteed by a positive sense of oneself. You'll be able to accomplish your objectives and chase your wildest desires without any worry.

Take care of your body. It is the only one you have. Do not abuse it. Give your body the proper fitness and nutrition that will fuel you for success. And remember, no matter the shape or size, you are perfect the way you are.

Live your life with purpose and give purpose to your life.Do not hold grudges for too long, nakakapangit yown😆 Also, always practice kindness in maximum. If some people are not kind to you, just "kill" them...kill them with kindness.😁

Don’t be afraid to disagree with people, not everyone will think the same as you.

Continue to love yourself as you are – no matter what. Even if it goes against the grain. Be you. Be proud of who you are. Don’t falter with the wind. Don’t start liking a specific book because everyone else is reading it. Dont watch a movie just because everyone watches it. Stick to your guns, but learn how to listen. Embrace the things that you love most.

Love your people. Appreciate them and help them the best way you can. Most of all, love God above all else!

Live your life the way you want it to be..write your own story edit it if you must, but dont plagiarize mine or anybody else's.

Protect your heart and mental health.

I know, most of this will mean nothing to you..maybe just a long birthday post. Read it again in about 10 or 20 years, then it will mean a lot!

I love the time we spend together when im on vacation. Those moments when you are so clingy kahit na sobrang init..😂 I love your words of wisdom na minsan para kang 25 years old kung magsalita (may kasama pang roll eyes lol). I love that you like doing things with me, sumusunod ka sa mga gusto ko kahit minsan labag sa loob mo., dahil wala kang choice kasi ako ang Mama 😅 And im proud na ako ang Mama mo at ikaw ang bunso ko.

Although we may not always see eye to eye, you will always have my support in all that you do. I believe in you, and I look forward to seeing where this journey will take you. So keep reaching for those stars because someday, I know you will get there because you deserve everything that comes your way.

HAPPY 14th BIRTHDAY, my Vani! 🥰 You will always be my little girl. If this world ever becomes too much for you, my arms will always be here to embrace you.

May you fly your blue sky with grace, confidence and hope as you find your place in this beautiful and crazy world!

Loving you now and always.

Mumma❤️

[fzzr]

Spring 2023 Anime Wrapup

Original Post:

This sure was a season. I finished 14 full-length series, plus some OVAs and carryovers. Undisputed show of the season Oshi no Ko and underrated hit Dead Mount Death Play lead the pack, but there's a range of other content between hate-watchable and actually good as well.

New Stuff:

Oshi no Ko (My Star) - Holy shit. I don't want to say much to avoid spoilers, but it was a 10/10 candidate from episode one and still might end up there on rewatch. For now 9/10, you MUST watch this. There will be a post forthcoming when I process it for a while.

Isekai de Cheat Skill wo Te ni Shita Ore wa, Genjitsu Sekai wo mo Musou Suru: Level Up wa Jinsei wo Kaeta (I Got a Cheat Skill in Another World and Became Unrivaled in The Real World, Too) - They put the entire power fantasy in the title for your convenience. It's not a great message that all you need to do to become popular is inherit a bunch of money and literally magically change your entire body, but here we are. The power fantasy is truly stratospheric - for example, he accidentally seduces a model and is proposed to by a princess in the space of one episode. The "animation" (or lack thereof) doesn't give the at best mediocre plot the support it needs, alas. A very generous 6/10.

Jigokuraku (Hell's Paradise) - Samurai Suicide Squad with a hearty helping of EDGE and a surprising amount of heart. The action was good, even though it sometimes felt like they ran out of time to make things truly excellent. 8/10.

Kanojo ga Koushaku-tei ni Itta Riyuu (The Reason Why Raeliana Ended up at the Duke's Mansion) - Another villainess anime, this time with the twist being that she becomes a villainess on purpose in order to save her own life. Most of the time the plot foreknowledge twist was used to undermine typical shoujo tropes rather than heighten them. Between that and the nothing ending, I found it oddly muted. 7/10.

Kimi wa Houkago Insomnia (Insomniacs After School) - I didn't finish this yet, because I don't think I'm ready for the emotional punches it's setting up. Not dropped, just not done.

Skip to Loafer (Skip and Loafer) - A country-girl-in-the-big-city shoujo story, in which our protagonist good-natures her way through a whole stable of stock high school antagonists. I like that given only twelve episodes to work with they didn't speedrun to parts where relationships happen, and instead let the story take its time. This is the first time since Hyouka I've really liked something with this sort of sedate pace. Looking forward to more! 8/10.

Tengoku Daimakyou (Heavenly Delusion) - A trip through the post-apocalypse featuring spooky monsters, bioethics failures, and a mix of hope and despair at how people face life after the end. Worth a watch, but be aware there's some extreme content. 8/10

Yamada-kun to Lv999 no Koi wo Suru (Loving Yamada at Lv999) - Shoujo for gamers! Unlike Raeliana above this shoujo with a twist did it for me. For personal reasons I appreciated the respect paid to online relationships. Convincing characters and relationships plus distinct and consistent art make this a very honorable 8/10.

Otonari ni Ginga (A Galaxy Next Door) - A guy touches an alien princess funny and they're married now. Yes, another one. This time, she's his manga assistant. Very light and fluffy, despite the subtheme of family alienation. 7/10, though at the high end for myself.

Dead Mount Death Play - Reverse Isekai! With a name like that you'd expect some serious edge, and there is some. Surprisingly though the themes are very wholesome. This was the biggest surprise of the season. I didn't watch it in the first round of shows, but when I looked at it out of curiosity it blew me away. 9/10, you should really watch this.

Tonikaku Kawaii - This is a sequel, but I hadn't watched the previous season, so it's new to me. I added it later in the season mostly out of curiosity. It turned out to be another entry in the impossibly perfect significant other microgenre, like The Angel Next Door Spoils Me Rotten. As with Angel Next Door, the point is that you should be an actual good person. This time it's about the rewards of getting married as soon as possible, and here are step-by-step instructions. There's a subtle-but-not-subtle supernatural undercurrent that becomes increasingly obvious in season 2, as well. 7/10.

Sequels:

Birdie Wing: Golf Girls' Story Season 2 - What can you say about a show that introduces multiple dangerous forbidden techniques in the middle of a tournament arc... of golf? Anyway here's lesbians doing more wacky special moves. If you're into weird sports anime you're sure to be into this. 8/10.

Dr. Stone: New World - There was a lot more yadda yadda this time, so it fell a bit flat. The less they show Senku's work coming up with things the more they feel like instant win buttons instead of things they worked for. I had hoped the cast size constraint in the second half of the season would have let them go back to spending time on inventions, but alas no. 7/10.

Kimetsu no Yaiba: Katanakaji no Sato-hen (Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba Swordsmith Village Arc) - Yep, it was more Demon Slayer. I'm pleased that Demon Slayer has mostly maintained its quality, in contrast with My Hero Academia which fell off a bit in the middle there. 8/10.

Kidou Senshi Gundam: Suisei no Majo Season 2 (Mobile Suit Gundam: The Witch from Mercury Season 2) - The robots (and lesbians) are cool, but I don't see how it's possible to miss the "war (and unfettered capitalism) is bad" message. It's also a new take on Revolutionary Girl Utena, which I've been meaning to re-watch and write about for some time. No excuse now, I suppose. 8/10.

Uma Musume: Pretty Derby - Road to the Top - I forgot to put this on the first list because it's a four episode ONA that hadn't started airing yet. As one of the weird sports anime I actually enjoy, of course I was up for even just a small arc of it. 8/10.

Carryovers:

Kubo-san wa Mob wo Yurusanai (Kubo Won't Let Me Be Invisible) - Finally a bulli anime I can enjoy, thanks to it not actually being bulli for very long. In the end this was a sort of nothing-in-particular show, falling somewhere in the fuzzy area around impossibly perfect SO and teasing anime. As expected it's almost all frosting and no cake, but I did enjoy my time with it. 7/10.

Itai no wa Iya nano de Bougyoryoku ni Kyokufuri Shitai to Omoimasu. 2 (BOFURI: I Don't Want to Get Hurt, so I'll Max Out My Defense. Season 2) - This fell off a bit, and I think I know why. It suffered from the same thing as later Dog Days seasons, where it used its expansive cast by shuffling who hangs out with who. This provides less novelty than the original concept of "what will they get up to now" did, and it also necessarily slows things to a crawl as we need to see more perspectives on every event as a result. Still, the characters remain fun and the game is as busted as ever. 7/10.

Dropped:

Kaminaki Sekai no Kamisama Katsudou - Garbage. A fetish fest with godawful CGI. Rancid vibes. You'll never know where it's going. You may have trouble looking away. I did eventually, though. Dropped at episode 10. 6/10.

Isekai One Turn Kill Neesan: Ane Douhan no Isekai Seikatsu Hajimemashita (My One-Hit Kill Sister) - Lots of Rule D edging. The quality isn't the most consistent, the tropes are basic, and little of value is to be found here. When it's good, it's actually kinda good. Unfortunately it got boring. Dropped at episode 10. 6/10.

Edomae Elf (Otaku Elf) - Elf in real world! Wooo! A nice comfy show. Not much happens, but it's cute enough. Got boring in the end though. Dropped at episode 10. 7/10.

My Home Hero - It's hard to think of anything recently that used tension and suspense to this degree. That said, the every-episode cliffhangers eventually got exhausting and turned me off and I stopped keeping up. 7/10 not for me.

[moved-to-void-kissed]

Here is my post for the fourth day of September! ..I don't have a caption for these renders, I'm afraid, but they basically sum up my entire selfship dynamic with KOS-MOS in one go - KOS-MOS is being ultra-powerful and amazing and awesome and gorgeous, and my self-insert Calanthe is very in love with her because of this. Even in such dangerous places as the Land of Morytha (hence why the lighting here is so.. green).

Tag list: @catake | @masterofmasters | @wazzuppy | @cherry-bomb-ships | @call–me–home | @xenobabble | @beeon | @coralward | @sanderswife | @pandapup | @altamont498 | @mercuryships | @lemonloven (to be tagged in what I make, please see this post!)

Comments on and reblogs of my work are always okay, and appreciated, but are by no means required!~

[seyruhfaye]

November 10

Did you know that on November 13, the world celebrates World Kindness Day? World Kindness Day is an international holiday that was formed in 1998, to promote kindness throughout the world and is observed annually on November 13 as part of the World Kindness Movement. Sa ngayon, may mga bansang nag-ccelebrate nito, tulad ng United States, Canada, Japan, Australia and the U.A.E. World Kindness Day presents us with the opportunity to reflect upon one of the most important and unifying human principles. On a day devoted to the positive potential of both large and small acts of kindness, try to promote and diffuse this crucial quality that brings people of every kind together.

Nung Nakita ko ito, napaisip lang ako. Hindi ba bilang tao we are “hardwired” to be kind? And as a Christian, hindi ba sya something automatic sa atin. Jesus Christ himself modeled kindness, and he made sure that early Christians were able to embody this vistue as well.

In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he has this to say about kindness:

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)

While in another letter to the Colossians, he wrote:

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience (Colossians 3:12)

This means that being kind to others is your own way of following in God’s footsteps. It’s an expression of your love for God. It’s how we tell Him that we are choosing Him in as much as He chose us.

Proverbs 11:17 also tells us that a man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself. Indeed, kindness not only makes others happy. It uplifts your spirit too.

By nature, or by biology, human beings are meant or made to be kind to one another. Ito ay dahil we are actually made to rely on one another. Among most mammals, tayo ang may pinakamatagal na gestational period. Human babies spend a long time relying on their mothers, compared to other species. Other creatures rely on support for a brief time before becoming self-reliant. We are powerless at birth and depend on our caregivers to provide for our needs. Therefore, kindness is sewn into the framework of our DNA. We are literally wired for kindness.

In the dictionary, kindness is defined as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.

In the Bible, kindness extends from just being nice. Ngayon mag-reflect tayo sa mga verses na nagsisilbing example sa atin ng kindness.

What Does It Mean To Be Kind?

1.       Kindness Involves Making a Choice

What makes someone truly kind is because they keep choosing to be kind. This is what distinguishes someone who wants to be “kind” from a person who wants to be “nice”. Kindness means choosing what is right, and fighting for it. No matter how unpopular their opinion is. Sabi nga sa Galatians 6:10 “So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.” Kaya kung mayroong pagkakataon para maging mabuti, kailangan naten gawin ito. Mahirap man, pero kailangan piliin naten lagi ang magmahal, at piliin naten maging mabuti.

2.       Kindness is love

Love is kind, and kindness is love. And love is not just an emotion. It involves an action. Ang pagmamahal ay higit lang sa salita di ba?

In 1 John 3:18 “Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.” We share love with others through kind acts such as a smile, a nice word, an unexpected deed, or a planned surprise. When we offer these acts to others, we pass along hope; we promote peace; we show the power of kindness. That’s because kindness is a chain reaction. It’s a wave that keeps rolling, and all it needs is one person to start it. One small kind act can cause a ripple effect that impacts an entire community. If we are all focused on being kind, we are creating a movement of change. Alam mo yung quote na "be the change you wish the see in the world"? That quote isn't just about change, and it isn't only about one person being able to change their world. It's bigger; it about a movement that can be started from one person acting with intention.

3.       Kindness is not always enough, we also need social action

Sabi nga sa Jeremiah 22:3 – “Thus says the Lord: Do justice and righteousness, and deliver from the hand of the oppressor him who has been robbed. And do no wrong or violence to the resident alien, the fatherless, and the widow, nor shed innocent blood in this place.“

A single, random act that you didn’t think much about can potentially change the world. Pero mas maraming magagawa, kung mas marami tayong kumikilos. Social action, defined as “activity on the part of an interested group directed toward some particular institutional change,” generally involves a group of people who work together to bring about institutional change so that society advances and people experience improved safety, freedom and equity. Institutional or systemic change can take place in a school, a community or society as a whole. Kindness can set a foundation for social action because it fosters empathy in young people and motivates them to help others.

Para magkaroon ng pagbabago, kailangan naten maintindihan ang pinagmumulan ng problema. Halimbawa, some of us are passionate about the problem of homelessness, the tendency might be to have young people volunteer at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen or read aloud to children who are homeless. These are wonderful activities that will promote empathy and a sense of connection on a human level. But if we want to consider to transform the problem of homelessness, we need to help them understand the economic and social roots of the problem and consider ways to advocate for affordable housing and improved economic conditions for all people, especially those living in poverty.

We should teach, model and promote kindness as much and as often as we can. But we also need to teach and empower young people to engage in social action: that is the only way we can ultimately change societal inequities and bring about a truly just society.

Being kind has, in some cases, become synonymous with not making it about race/social justice. Kindness has been reduced to being polite or not engaging with discomfort, even if that discomfort is experienced by our fellow people. If we don’t name and label the issues and inequalities that are happening, our culture and the educational system have no hope of ending the injustices that happen in our schools, in our communities, and across our nation.

 Ang pagiging mabuti ang simula, hindi ito ang dulo. It is a step in the process; it is not the final product. Kindness is integral to understanding and unpacking things like disability, ableism, racism, and racial prejudice, but it does not inherently solve or stop ableism, racism, homophobia, transphobia, anti-fatness, or xenophobia. Policy, action, empathy, disruption of norms, and visibility will take us beyond kindness.

Kindness without justice is an empty gesture. Let the two motivate and inspire each other and always be connected.

 Let kindness be the spiritual push that moves us into justice as purposeful action.

[dexterortega]

10 FILIPINO UNCOMMON WORDS 1. Sulatraniko - A means or system for transmitting messages electronically (as between computers on a network)

Halimbawa: Pinadalhan ko ng sulatroniko ang kompanyang gusto kong pasukan. 2. Salipapaw - A powered heavier-than-air aircraft with fixed wings from which it derives most of its lift. Halimbawa: Namangha ako sa laki nung unang beses kong makita ang mga salipapaw sa paliparan 3. Panginain - A computer program used for accessing sites or information on a network (such as the World Wide Web). Halimbawa: Sinubukan kong buksan ang panginain ng aking kapatid upang tingnang kasaysayan ngunit wala akong nakita. 4. Lantay - Free from moral or guilt. Halimbawa: Naaalala ko pa noon nung isang lantay na bata pa lamang ako, miss ko na ang mga araw na iyon.

5. Marilag - Having an attractive quality that gives pleasure to those who experience it or think about it. Halimbawa: Isang marilag na tungkos ang binigay sa isang binibini noong araw nang mga puso. 6. Awangan - Unlimited extent of time, space, or quantity. Halimbawa: Hindi magbabago at awanggan ang pagmamahal ko sa’yong pagkatao. 7. Panghiso - A brush for cleaning the teeth. Halimbawa: Bumili si Immaneg ng soft-bristled na panghiso 8. Dumatal - Reach a place at the end of a journey or a stage in a journey. Halimbawa: Dumatal na ang in-order mong pagkainsa Mcdonalds. 9. Kalantare -  Is a social and sometimes sexual activity involving verbal or written communication as well as body language by one person to another, either to suggest interest in a deeper relationship with the other person, or if done playfully, for amusement. Halimbawa: Akala mo true love na, yun pala kalantare ka lang niya. 10. Baro - Is manufactured fiber and textile material worn on the body. Halimbawa: Nagpalit siya ng kanyang baro dahil basang basa siya ng pawis.

[jojo-reader-hell]

Can I have a female reader traveling with the Crusaders that has a siren stand which she has to sing to activate? She’s extremely shy about her voice and doesn’t like other people listening to her despite her being a good singer (basically a tsundere). Maybe she says something along the lines of “Cover your ears or I’m going to leave you assholes to die!” Before she sings because she would absolutely die of embarrassment.

As promised here’s the one with the Moana reference!

...

“If, if you make fun… fun of mu-me… I’ll kuk, k-kick YOUR ASS!”

They promised.

Scout’s honor.

I won’t say anything.

Hurry up and fix him.

Just shut up and do it.

So many creative ways of telling you to activate your Stand to help save the poor big French BINCH bleeding out in front of you.

Such a nice change of pace from the typical mockery, but as of right now that’s a story for another time. Right now, Polnareff was going to bleed out and die if you didn’t at least try to help him. As everyone else panicked around you, you had to hold down Jean Pierre to stop him from thrashing around injuring himself further. Your grip is like iron, even though the stutter makes you look weak you’re anything but. His gaze his fixated on you as his chest heaves, and for a minute you can’t help but think how handsome he looks, underneath you like that all vulnerable.

“Mmn… Jus-Just hold still. I’ll do… t… I’ll take care of it.”

She’s ready. Eager. Chomping at the bit. In your insecurity with words and actions, Queen of Cups seems as though she was born ready for this job. Mr. Abdul had said your Stand was bursting with all of your untapped potential, it was just a matter of owning it. Since you joined on this valiant crusade

You closed your eyes, felt that familiar tingle in your fingertips, traveling up your arms out through the crown of your head, wet curls draping over your shoulders as cold scales traced over your hands.

It’s her, in all her royal glory, vestments covering her hair and face but leaving space for the intense oceanic blue of her eyes to show through and smile down at you.

The love, the intensity she holds, is calming. In her cold embrace, the tang of the salt sea prevalent when you inhaled, you felt the words pour confidently from your mouth, the thumping of your heart beat in your ears as powerful as any drum.

As you open your mouth, her eyes begin to water.

“Tatou o tagata folau e vala'auina. E le atua o le sami tele e o mai, Ia ava'e le lu'itau e lelei… Tapenapena!”

“Aue, aue!”

“Nuku I mua. Te manulele e tataki e.”

“Aue, aue!”

“Te fenua, te malie, nae ko hakilia mo kaiga e.”

Her voice never wavers once, and neither does yours. In this language of song you are fluent, feeling the energy of your words knitting the ripped flesh back together was exhilarating! You could even feel the Frenchman below you regain strength enough to struggle under your iron grip. But you continued the magic chant until your Stand’s magic couldn’t work any longer. The adrenaline still stayed even after she knew her job was done. It never got old. Especially when you felt the icy tears of your Stand drip thickly down her cheeks and dribble down onto any angry red wound that needed healing. It took a long time to come out of the trance. The only thing that seemed to draw you back down to earth was Polnareff, reaching up and touching your cheek softly.

“I’m all better now…” he murmured.

You turned down to look at him, breath hitching in your throat when you noticed that starry eyed look he had. His cheeks were pink again, the lightest smattering of freckles across his face visible as he patted your cheek.

Looking up, you noticed a similar dusting of red across everyone else’s features, Mr. Abdul’s face stoic, but his hand on your shoulder told a different story. There was true pride in his eyes, affection as he patted your head, and it made you feel more valued than anything else in the world.

[saiyef]

Decided to make this post because I got tagged to say what I was reading. They’re all mixed bag that will range from ‘trash’ to ‘okay’ to ‘amazing’. I’ll bold series that are my absolute favourites.

Manga I was recently rereading:

The Love Doctor

Tensei Kizoku no Isekai Boukenroku ~Jichou wo Shiranai Kamigami no Shito~

Mahou Shoujo Gakuen no Suketto Kyoushi

Still Sick

Fluttering Feelings

Ihoujin, Dungeon ni Moguru

Manga I’ve recently read or are currently reading:

Mushoku Tensei

In Another World With My Smartphone

Liar Satsuki Can See Death

I Gave Birth To A Murderer's Child

The Hidden Dungeon Only I Can Enter

Kemono Jihen

Beelzebub

Dorei Tensei: Sono Dorei, Saikyou no Moto Ouji ni Tsuki

Isekai Cheat Magic Swordsman

Isekai Kenja no Tensei Musou ~Geemu no Chishiki de Isekai Saikyou~

Kanchigai no Atelier Meister

I Was Invited to Join the Country as an Otherworldly Warrior but I Refused and Decided to Start as a Soldier

I Was Dismissed from the Hero’s Party Because They Don’t Need My Training Skills, so I Strengthened My [Fief] Which I Got as a Replacement for My Retirement Money.

Kajiya de Hajimeru Isekai Slow Life

The Church in Front of the Devil’s Castle

Kage no Eiyuu no Nichijou-tan

Lv2 kara Cheat datta Moto Yuusha Kouho no Mattari Isekai Life

The Irregular of the Royal Academy of Magic ~The Strongest Sorcerer From the Slums is Unrivaled in the School of Royals ~

Tada Shiawasena Isekai Kazoku Seikatsu

Shoki Skill Ga Benri Sugite Isekai Seikatsu ga Tanoshisugiru!

Dream Life: Yume no Isekai Seikatsu

Her Royal Highness Seems to Be Angry

Level 0 no Maou-sama, Isekai de Boukensha wo Hajimemasu

The Struggle of Being Reincarnated as the Marquess's Daughter: I'll Deal with What’s Coming to Me!

Story of a "Unemployed" Champion and a Princess Who Together Find Their Happiness

Tantei wa Mou, Shindeiru

Ongoing manga I really like (off the top of my head):

The Monster Duchess and Contract Princess

Maid kara Haha ni Narimashita

Villainess Level 99 ~I may be the Hidden Boss but I'm not the Demon Lord~

Kaguya-sama: Love is War

Oshi no Ko

The Cuckoo’s Fiancee

Are You Really Getting Married?

My New Wife is Forcing Herself to Smile

Tensei Shitara Slime Datta Ken

The Ancient Magus Bride

Kusuriya no Hitorigoto

Tate no Yuusha no Nariagari

Berserk

Goblin Slayer

Goblin Slayer Year One

Hataraku Maou-sama!

Honzuki no Gekokujou

A Capable Maid

A Stepmother's Märchen

This Girl is a Little Wild

Doukyonin wa Hiza, Tokidoki, Atama no Ue.

Ossan Boukensha Kane no Zenkou

I'm a Middle-Aged Man Who Got My Adventurer License Revoked, but I'm Enjoying a Carefree Lifestyle Because I Have an Adorable Daughter Now,

Boukensha ni Naritai to Miyako ni Deteitta Musume ga S Rank ni Natteta

Isekai Yururi Kikou: Raising Children While Being an Adventurer

The Swordsman Called the Countless Swords' Sorcerer

May I Please Ask for One Final Thing?

Princess Bibliophile

Yuukyuu no Gusha Asley no, Kenja no Susume

One Piece

My Hero Academia

Black Clover

Phantom Seer

Ayakashi Triangle

SAKAMOTO DAYS

Dungeon Sherpa: Meikyuu Michisaki Annainin

Emergency! How to Deal With Love

Seamstress Girl

Magic Artisan Dahliya Won’t Hang Her Head

I was Told to Relinquish My Fiancé to My Little Sister, and the Greatest Dragon Took a Liking to Me and Unbelievably Took Over the Kingdom

Maseki Gurume: Mamono no Chikara o Tabeta Ore wa Saikyou!

Is It Odd That I Became an Adventurer Even If I Graduated From the Witchcraft Institute?

Jui-san No Oshigoto In Isekai

The 31st Consort

The Emperor Hopes for the Court Lady as His Bride

For Certain Reasons, The Villainess Noble Lady Will Live Her Post-Engagement Annulment Life Freely

The Earl's Daughter was Suddenly Employed as the Crown Prince's Fiancée

Nidome no Jinsei wo Isekai de

I Swear I Won’t Bother You Again!

Ai to Ao no Kyoukai

Hazure Skill "Kage ga Usui" o Motsu Guild Shokuin ga, Jitsuha Densetsu no Ansatsusha

The King of Cave Will Live a Paradise Life

Isekai De Te Ni Ireta Seisan Skill Wa Saikyou Datta You Desu

My Lord The Wolf Queen

Kage no Jitsuryokusha ni Naritakute

Futago No Ane Ga Miko Toshite Hikitorarete, Watashi Wa Suterareta Kedo Tabun Watashi Ga Miko De Aru

Saijaku Tamer wa Gomi Hiroi no Tabi o Hajimemashita

Tenohira Kaitaku Mura De Isekai Kenkokuki: Fueteku Yome-Tachi To Nonbiri Mujintou Life

Genjitsushugi Yuusha no Oukoku Saikenki

Shoukan sareta Kenja wa Isekai wo Yuku

The Undead Lord of the Palace of Darkness

Tensei Kizoku no Isekai Boukenroku ~Jichou wo Shiranai Kamigami no Shito~

Isekai Kenkokuki

Reincarnated as an Aristocrat with an Appraisal Skill

Please Don't Call Me Queen!

Yakudatazu Skill ni Jinsei o Sosogikomi 25-nen, Imasara Saikyou no Boukentan Midori Kashi no Akira

The Old Man Who Got a Second Round in Another World

I Came to Another World as a Jack of All Trades and a Master of None to Journey While Relying on Quickness

Shin no Jitsuryoku wa Girigiri Made Kakushite Iyou to Omou

Samayoeru Tensei-sha-tachi no Relive Game

Clearing an Isekai with the Zero-Believers Goddess

Imiko to Yobareta Shoukanshi

Party kara Tsuihou Sareta Sono Chiyushi, Jitsu wa Saikyou Nitsuki

Gakuen Babysitters

Niehime to Kemono no Ou

Yondome wa Iya na Shizokusei Majutsushi

Milady Just Wants To Relax

Assassin de aru ore no Sutetasu ga Yuusha yori mo Akiraka ni Tsuyoi Nodaga

The Reincarnated 「Sword Saint」 Wants to Take it Easy

The Holy Grail of Eris

Saikyou Juzoku Tensei: Cheat Majutsushi no Slow Life

Heartwarming Meals with Mother Fenrir

Mofumofu to Isekai Slow Life o Mezashimasu!

Another World Munchkin -Conquering the Dungeon as the Strongest and the Fastest with Only 1 HP-

The Reincarnated Inferior Magic Swordsman

Assassin’s Pride

Even Though I'm a Former Noble and a Single Mother, My Daughters Are Too Cute and Working as an Adventurer Isn't Too Much of a Hassle

Ankoku Kishi No Ore Desu Ga Saikyou No Seikishi Wo Mezashimasu

Slave of Black Knight

The Executed Sage is Reincarnated as a Lich and Starts an All-Out War

Tenkuu no Shiro o Moratta no de Isekai de Tanoshiku Asobitai

I’m just a human but I was raised by the Four Heavenly Kings of the Demon King’s Army. The Demon King’s daughter loved me and bestowed me the authority to rule over all attributes.

Ani no Yome to Kurashite Imasu

A Workplace Where You Can't Help But Smile

Hana ni Arashi

Koushin Koinu ni Koibumi wo

Can’t Defy The Lonely Girl

Adachi to Shimamura

Crescent Moon and Doughnuts

Bocchi Kaibutsu to Moumoku Shoujo

Bai Lijin Among Mortals

Whispering You a Love Song

Kami eshi JK to OL fujoshi

Dear, My Teacher

Useless Princesses

Your True Color

Nettaigyo Wa Yuki Ni Kogareru

Even if it was Just Once, I Regret it

A Monster Wants to Eat Me

Kimi ga Shinu made Koi wo shitai

APPROXIMATE

Beast of Blue Obsidian

Nito no Taidana Isekai Shoukougun: Saijaku Shoku "Healer" nano ni Saikyou wa Cheat desu ka?

Isekai Meikyuu no Saishinbu o Mezasou

Your SSS-rank Afterlife is Confirmed, Virtuous Old Man

The Strongest Wizard Becomes a Countryside Guardsman After Taking an Arrow to the Knee

Eiyuu Kyoushitsu

Saikyou Yuusha wa Oharai Hako: Maou ni nattara zutto Ore no Musou Return

Level 1 no Saikyou kenja ~Noroi de sai kakyuu mahou shika tsukaenaikedo, kami no kanchigai de mugen no maryoku o te ni ire saikyou ni~

Isekai de Shippai Shinai 100 no Houhou

People Looked Down on Me for Having a Crummy Job but it really isn't all that bad?

I Shaved. Then I Brought a High School Girl Home.

The Two of Them are Pretty Much Like This

That Inferior Knight, Lv. 999

The World's Best Assassin, Reincarnated In A Different World As An Aristocrat

Makui no Risu

Easy Amnesia

A Sword Master Childhood Friend Power Harassed Me Harshly, So I Broke Off Our Relationship And Make A Fresh Start At The Frontier As A Magic Swordsman.

A Dyad of Revenge

Fiancée Be Chosen by the Ring

Hard-Boiled Cop and Dolphin

i tell c

WITCH WATCH

The Elusive Samurai

Maou Toubatsu Shita Ato, Medachitakunai node Guild Master ni Natta

Moon Flower Country's Strange Doctor

Ore wa Mada, Honki o Dashite Inai  

Noble Reincarnation

Maken no Daydreamer

Hagure Seirei Ino Shinsatsu Kiroku ~ Seijo Kishi-dan to Iyashi no Kamiwaza ~

[iknikblackstonevarrick]

Red Lightning (Part 3)

(Part 1) (Part 2)

---

Lucretia looked through the bars at her friend with grim contemplation.

She had disarmed Lup and moved her from the floor to the thin mattress provided inside her cell, and was now simply waiting for her to wake up, and considering what she would do when she did.

Giving her a similar position to Davenport was out of the question. Redacted or not, the boys would notice the woman’s striking similarity to Taako. She could find something for her in the bowels of the facility, out of sight of the Reclaimers, but even then, the risk-

“Hey?”

Lucretia jumped and struck her staff on the ground in surprise. Lup had risen to her elbows while still prone on the bed, and was looking at Lucretia with decreasing grogginess.

“Are you- in charge here?” she asked, swinging her legs over the side of the bed, “Cause whatever I did to get in here- okay, I was /definitely/ framed, first of all, and also like super drunk. Like I don’t even remember anything that happened…” she looked to the side, “Basically ever, right now? I must have partied /real/ hard last night but anyways, the point is I’m innocent and also I don’t think you can legally keep me here without telling me what I’m in for.”

Lup was about a foot in front of the bars now, holding her hands out in front of her where she’d been gesturing. Lucretia stared at her.

“You can talk,” she got out flatly.

Lup blinked at her, then snorted. “I- Yeah??” She looked around herself. “Why- Was I that out of it whenever- whatever happened?”

Lucretia stood there, marveling at how she could have taken so much from their Captain unintentionally whilst not inflicting the same on her friend when she intentionally tried to erase her existence. It was a relief, obviously- she hadn’t wanted to reduce Lup to the sound of her own name, but she had expected it, accepted it as a necessity, and planned around it. Now-

She checked the lock on her cell to make sure she hadn’t left it open in her indecision. There would be no moving her from this spot now that she still had her wits about her. As much as it pained Lucretia, she could not allow her friend to roam free if there was any possibility she might resume interfering with her mission.

“What’s happening?” she asked, looking worriedly at Lucretia’s hand as she secured the padlock and then tapped her staff to the ground, reinforcing the magical barriers around the cell as well. “You- you have to tell me what you think I did.”

Lucretia looked levelly into her eyes. “You have done something- horrible. Unspeakable. Even if you… didn’t mean for it to be. What’s done is still done. And you will remain here until- Until I decide those crimes have been repented for.”

Lup opened her mouth to argue. Then, before she could, Lucretia saw some unknown thought enter her eyes, and then some of the light dimmed from them.

She waited, watching the grim, zoned-out look on her friend’s face for only a moment longer before she turned on heel and exited into the elevator.

*

“Taako?”

Lup blinked, turning to the source of the voice- a halfling man, poking his small head through the bars of the cell next to hers to get a look.

“Nope,” she said flatly.

“Oh, sorry,” the halfling said. “I could have sworn he has that skirt.” He tilted his head. “And that face?”

She sighed. “It’s Lup,” she introduced herself curtly, hoping it would change the subject. She didn’t know who this ‘Taako’ person was, but getting mistaken for a man was one of the few things that could make today worse.

“Oooohh, sorry sorry sorry, cool cool cool,” the halfling man said, nodding. “My name’s Robbie, but my old roommates called me Pringles.”

“Why?” she asked.

Pringles tugged on his shirt collar. “I have a deficiency.”

Lup pursed her lips and let her head fall back onto the stiff pillow. She didn’t know how long she’d been in the pokey, but it couldn’t have been too long, because everything in the room seemed brand new and unused.

“So what’re you in for, Pringles?” she asked.

“Uuh,” he drawled, “Espionage, I guess? Except I didn’t do it, like, intentionally. Maybe an accessory to espionage? A vessel?”

“Huh,” she said. “So you like, accidentally let in a spy?”

“I… guess it was something like that,” he said. “I don’t actually remember most of it. What about you?”

Lup stared at the gray-blue ceiling of her cell.

“I think I killed someone,” she said, still not looking at her cellmate.

“Oh,” Pringles answered, sounding unimpressed. “Well, that’s kinda like, the adventuring MO. Not your fault you ran amok of someone with arrest powers.”

She didn’t even catch his comment about the moon. She continued staring hard at the silvery blue of her cell.

“I think I killed someone I loved.”

Pringles blinked a few times. Then most of his face was no longer visible, it seemed like he’d changed the stance he was standing at.

“Oh,” was all he said. It was a long few moments before she heard him pad quietly over to the bed of his cell and hop on with a creak.

*

Lup had the same dream every night.

No matter what she did, how she ate, when she slept, however many of her limited options she explored, it was always the same. If she tried trancing, the memory would still play through her head relentlessly, almost more real than if she just went to sleep. If it weren’t for the companionship of her odd but chill jail-mate, she might think she was living the same day over again.

She knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that it was a memory. The only memory she had of anywhere outside this cell. Anywhere /outside/ at all. She wouldn’t know what the sky looked like, blinding blue with puffy white clouds and streaming golden light, without this memory.

She doesn't know why, but she’d expected it to look different.

*

You were in the sky. The clouds around you were close enough to touch, and the green below you was so, so distant. You could only see it over the silver rails of this- ship. You were on a ship, a boat, by the looks of it. Why was it in the sky?

Every time, before you had the chance to wonder this any further, you locked eyes with the figure sitting on the railing. No, you realized. He wasn’t sitting. He was bent over it at an odd angle, half of him dangling off the edge like he’d just been blown to that point by force.

He was wearing glasses. They were cracked.

You had no idea who this man was, but when you felt his gaze, saw his weathered human face, looked over his faded old blue jeans, you felt like you were home. You felt safe, and loved, and warm.

That warmth boiled over into the heat of panic when you noticed the blood pouring from this man’s stomach. Suddenly it felt like the world was burning around you, and you wanted to go to him, but you couldn’t. Your body felt frozen, your mind felt like it was full of cotton. No. Of static.

You met the man’s gaze again because that’s all you could do. You felt your knees going weak.

The man smiled at you with love and sorrow and-

He fell. He fell all the way over the railing, and you felt yourself moving, felt something warm and wet on your cheek-

And you wake up, gasping, and touch the tears streaming down your face. Every morning. You call it morning because you do not go back to sleep after this, but the fantasy fluorescent lights of your cell have not yet come up.

Every morning, without reprieve, as you lower your hand from your tear-streaked face, you see the smallest strokes of red lightning glowing between your fingers in the darkness.

***

“Where is she?”

Barry Bluejeans looked down at his three best friends in their red nullsuits. He had come here to warn them- to use the cosmoscope this kid had created, to try to explain with visuals instead of words and see if that could get through to them.

But there were only three of them. For whatever reason, Lup hadn’t come along on this mission. At first, he’d assumed she was a part of the party they said they’d been separated from, but now they were reunited, and still no Lup.

He probably should have waited to ask. There was probably a fine explanation- maybe Lucretia had wanted to keep a reclaimer in reserve for if this place went up in crystal? Sure, that made enough sense. He almost moved on to another question, but his nonexistent stomach dropped when he got his answer.

“Who?”

“Taako-” he’d be furrowing his brow if he could. It was immediately apparent to him that this wasn’t a goof. He knew Taako well enough for that.

“Taako, your-” dread was welling up in him. “Your sister. Your sister, Lup, Taako, where is she?”

“Oof,” Taako tilted his head. “Don’t got one of those, buddy. You must have the wrong T-a-a-ko.”

“No,” he said. He floated closer, and Taako raised-

The umbrella. He had Lup’s Umbrastaff with him.

“You have to know,” he said, and he could feel necrotic energy arcing off of him like electricity. “You have to know where- you have to know who she is. She only erases people when they’re-”

And suddenly, his energy calmed. He floated placidly in front of Taako, wide-eyed and weapon drawn.

He felt relieved. And then guilty for it. If Lucretia had erased her, that meant she was dead. But that also meant she was out here somewhere as a lich. Memories intact. Finally.

He melted away from the crystal laboratory and resumed time as he reappeared in his cave. He pulled out a drawer to his desk and filled up an old scrying bowl he used to use to keep tabs on everyone when he didn’t feel safe enough to go outside.

When the image in the bowl came into view, there was no phantasmal, resplendent figure of light and magic. Instead, there was a living mortal figure lying on a bed, sleeping restlessly, what he recognized as energy from her lich form arcing out through her hands in response to whatever Emotion was enveloping her dream.

“Oh,” he said aloud. Not disappointed. Determined.

Zooming out, he could see the bars of a cell, and even further, the outline of the floating headquarters of the Bureau of Balance. He shut the drawer and turned towards the map he had laid out on the desk itself.

The body cooking in his pod wasn't quite done yet. That was fine. He’d prefer not to burn it now, anyways. He’d find his own way up to the Bureau again, holy symbol be damned.

[keyofjetwolf]

Pitch Me your thing!

HELLO HELLO MY SUNBEAMS. For most every category, there was an impressive turn-out for pitches, so I thought we’d utilize the weirdness of this year’s GIFTENING to give something new a try. The popular vote winner for each category will happen on the first day, but on the second, the winner will be chosen from YOUR PITCHES. Mostly those pitches will be to me. The exception is in Miscellaneous, where you’ll be pitching to my family, because what I want to do and what is most entertaining isn’t necessarily the same thing.

So! How will we do this thing? GLAD YOU ASKED. I’ll link you to a form in a minute with space for one pitch. Once you fill it out, you’ll be asked if you want to do another. There’s no limit to the number of pitches you can send in! But remember that if you submit multiple entries for the same category, you’ll basically be competing against yourself.

NOW WE’VE GOT SOME RULES FOR DOING THIS (which I mostly stole from Holligay, because I have no creativity this year). Please read them carefully! I’ll toss pitches that break any of these, and I’d rather your hard work not go to waste.

Pitch Me is open for your submissions from RIGHT NOW (22 December) through the very last day of this hellyear (31 December) at 11:59pm MT.

The thing you pitch must have come from what was nominated for THE GIFTENING 2020. (Full list of those nominations in every category below the cut on this post.)

Entries must be unsigned! I’m looking to chose based on the pitch alone, regardless of who submitted it.

The pitch itself must be 100 words or less. HAVE PITY ON ME I CAN ONLY CONSUME SO MUCH.

If you’d like to get some help, ideas, feedback, all that good stuff, the Discord is a FANTASTIC resource I encourage you to use.

HERE IS YOUR PITCH SUBMISSION LINK

And, as promised, below the cut you’ll find the list of all the nominees in every category you guys sent in this year. IT’S A LONG LIST HAVE FUN WITH THAT

Anime

A Place Further Than The Universe/Sora Yori mo Toi Basho Ace Attorney (Gyakuten Saiban) Action Heroine Cheer Fruits Aggretsuko Aho Girl Air Master Akuma No Riddle Alien Nine Angel Beats! Angelic Layer Appare-Ranman Aria Aria the Animation Arrietty/ The Secret World of Arrietty (Ghibli film) Ascendance of a Bookworm Azumamga Daioh Baccano! Beastars Black Cat Blood + (the series) Bloom Into You Blue Drop/Tenshitachino Gikyoku Bodacious Space Pirates (starting right where you left off) BOFURI: I Don't Want to Get Hurt, so I'll Max Out My Defense Boku no hero academia Bubblegum Crisis Card Captor Sakura: Clear Card Cardcaptor Sakura Castlevania the Animated Series Cells at Work Chaos; Head Chihayafuru Code Geass cowboy Bebop Cyborg 009 Death Note Death Parade Deca-Dence Demon Girl Next Door Demon Slayer (Kimetsu no Yaiba) Diebuster: Aim For the Top 2 Dog Days dorohedoro Dot Hack//SIGN Dr. Stone Elfen Lied Erased (Boku Dake Ga Inai Machi) Escaflowne Excel Saga Fantastic Children Fate/Zero Flip Flappers Fresh Precure Fruits Basket 2019 Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood Ga rei Zero GaoGaiGar gekkan shoujo nozaki-kun Ghost in the Shell: Standalone Complex Ghost Stories (dubbed) Girls' Last Tour Great Pretender Hoseki no Kuni/ Land of the Lustrous House of Five Leaves/ Saraiya Goyou Inari konkon koi iroha Interviews with Monster Girls Inuyasha Isekai Izakaya "Nobu" Jellyfish Princess/ Kuragehime JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Part 4: Diamond is Unbreakable Kaguya-sama Love Is War Kaleido Star Kannazuki no Miko Keep Your Hands Off Eizouken! Kemono Friends Kiki's Delivery Service Kimi ni Todoke: From Me To You Kino's Journey/Kino no Tabi (2003) Land of the Lustrous (Houseki no Kuni) Little Witch Academia Lord El-Melloi II's Case Files EP0 {"A Grave Keeper") Love is Hard for an Otaku Love Live! Sunshine!! lupin the 3rd part 4 Madoka: The Rebellion Movie Magic knight rayearth Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha March Comes in Like a Lion Mardock Scramble Master of Martial Hearts Mawaru Penguindrum Megalobox Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid Mob Psycho 100 Mobile Suit Gundam (1979) Monster Mushishi My Bride is a Mermaid (Seto No Hanayome) My Love Story!!! My Neighbor Totoro My Next Life As A Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom My Roommate is a Cat NANA Naruto Natsume’s Book of Friends Neon Genesis Evangelion (hateblog) New Cutey Honey Nichijou Ōban Star-Racers One Piece Ouran High school Host club Outlaw Star Paranoia Agent Perfect Blue Please Save My Earth Pop Team Epic Pretty Cure Fresh Princess Jellyfish/ Kuragehime Princess Mononoke Princess Principal Princess Tutu Project A-Ko promised neverland (/yakusoku no neverland) Psycho-Pass Ranma 1/2 Re: Cutie Honey Re:Creators Read or Die (OAV) Red Garden relife Revolutionalry Girl Utena Rose of Versailles Ruroni Kenshin Sailor Moon Sailor Moon (viz dub) Samurai Champloo (english dub) Sarazanmai School Days School-Live! Scum's Wish Senki Zesshou Symphogear (listed as just "Symphogear" on Crunchyroll.) Serei no Moribito (Guardian of the Spirit) Shin Sekai Yori (From The New World) Shirobako Shoujo Kageki Revue Starlight Showa Genroku Rakugo Shinju Sleepy Princess in the Demon Castle Smile Pretty Cure (Japanese original)/ Glitter Force (english adaptation) Snow White with the Red Hair Sound Euphonium Strawberry Panic (yuri) Sweetness and Lightning The Devil is a Part-timer The Devil Lady The disasterous life of saiki k (saiki kusuo no Sai Nan) The End of Evangelion (movie) the Promised Neverland The Twelve Kingdoms Tiger & Bunny Tokimeki Tonight ToraDora Tsubasa Chronicle Umineko When They Cry Valkyrie Drive: Mermaid Vinland Saga Violet Evergarden Whispered Words (Sasameki Koto) With a Dog AND a Cat, Every Day is Fun Yona of the Dawn Yu Yu Hakusho Yugioh Duel Monster Yuki Yuna is a Hero Yuri Kuma Arashi Yuri On Ice!!! Zoids: Chaotic Century Zombie Land Saga

Non-Anime Animated

Adventure Time Amphibia Animainiacs (Original) Animaniacs (Reboot) Archie's Weird Mysteries As Told By Ginger Barbie Life in The Dreamhouse Batman the Animated Series Big Guy and Rusty the Boy Robot Big Mouth Bob's Burgers Bojack Horseman Bravest Warriors Captain N: the Game Master Carmen Sandiego (1994) Carmen Sandiego (2019) Castlevania (Netflix) Cats Don't Dance Coco Courage the Cowardly Dog Craig of the Creek Cyber Six Daria Darkwing Duck Dragon Booster Dragons: Riders of Berk DuckTales (2017) Exo-Squad Fern Gully Fillmore! Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends Futurama Gargoyles Glitch Techs Godzilla: The Animated Series Green Lantern the Animated Series Hedgehog in the Fog (Ёжик в тумане) Hey Arnold Hilda Infinity Train Iron Giant JEM Kim Possible Kipo and the Age of the Wonderbeasts Legend of Zelda animated series (1989) Legion of Super-Heroes Liberty Kids Magical Girl Friendship Squad Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart The Legend of Korra Moominvalley Motorcity My Little Pony (Classic, NOT FiM) My Little Pony: Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks Onyx Equinox Over the Garden Wall Over the Moon (2020 film) Owl House Primal Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure Redwall Rise of the TMNT Roco's Modern Life Rugrats RWBY Samurai Jack Seis Manos She-Ra (1985) She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018) Sonic Boom Spartakus and the Sun Beneath the Sea Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse Star vs. the Forces of Evil Strange Magic Super Mario Brothers Super Show Superman: The Animated Series Teen Titans The 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo The Animals of Farthing Wood The Dragon Prince The Hollow The Legend of Tarzan (TV series) The Magic School Bus (1994) The Mysterious Cities of Gold The Pirate Fairy (Disney Fairies) The Powerpuff Girls (1998) The Real Ghostbusters Thundercats (1985) Thundercats (2011) Transformers: Prime Tuca and Bertie Twelve Forever Undone Venture Bros Wakko's Wish Wakfu Wander Over Yonder We Bare Bears (TV) Winx Club Wreck-It Ralph (2012) X-Men Evolution X-Men: The Animated Series Xiaolin Showdown

Live Action

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea 28 Days Later 3rd Rock from the Sun A Series of Unfortunate Events American Horror Story: Asylum Babysitter's Club (2020) Batman (the old Adam West version) Better Call Saul Black Mirror Blackbeard's Ghost (Peter Ustinov) Boston Legal Boy Meets World Boys Over Flowers Bromance (Taiwanese tv series) Brooklyn 99 Buffy the Vampire Slayer Cadfael Cagney and Lacey Charmed (2018) Chopped Cleopatra 2525 Cloak and Dagger Clue (1985) Community Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance Dead Like Me Dead To Me Deadwood Death Note (Netflix) Derry Girls Dimension 20 - The Unsleeping City Doctor Who (New) Doom Patrol Dracula's Daughter (1936) Escape to the Chateau Farscape Fingersmith Galavant Godzilla (2014) Gokushufudo (2020 Japanese TV drama) Golden Girls Good Omens H20: Just Add Water (somewhere in seasons 1-2) Happy New Year Harley Quinn movie Hateblog a REALLY STRAIGHT soap opera. Haunting of Bly Manor His Dark Materials (HBO series) Holes Hot Fuzz House Inception Inside No. 9 Iron Chef America Joan of Arcadia Julie and the Phantoms Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle Kamen Rider Build Kamen Rider Ex-Aid Kamen Rider Fourze Killing Eve Knives Out Letterkenny Leverage Little Women (2019) Lucifer Matlock Majisuka Gakuen MASH Merlin Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol Money Talks (1997 film) Motherland: Fort Salem Murder She Wrote Mythbusters Nailed It! Never Have I Ever Once Upon a Time Orphan Black Pen 15 PGSM Pi (1998) Picnic at Hanging Rock (2018) Pride and Prejudice: A New Musical Puppy Bowl Pushing Daisies Rome (hateblog) Russian Doll Sabrina Sense8 Sera Myu: Un Nouveau Voyage Shameless Sierra Burgess Smallville So Weird Star Trek: TOS (or their films) Star Trek: The Next Generation Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Star Trek: Voyager Stargate Atlantis Suckerpunch Supernatural (out of context speedrun the last three episodes) Sweetheart Switched at Birth Tall Girl Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles The Addams Family (1964) The Big Flower Fight The Booth at the End The Bride With White Hair The Crown The Fresh Prince of Bel Air The Good Place The Kissing Booth The L Word The Librarians The Magicians The Muppet Show The Pregnancy Pact The Room The Steve Harvey Show The Stranded The Untamed The Witcher The Wolfman (1941) Torchwood Twilight Zone (original) Twin Peaks Ultraman Nexus Umbrella Academy Van Helsing Warehouse 13 Warrior Nun What We Do In The Shadows (tv show) Will & Grace Wynonna Earp X-Men 2: X-Men United Xena: Warrior Princess

Miscellaneous

Alpha Flight #41-62 Anime music dance party, the logistics of which are to be determined! Ask Hot Pocket and/or Mina-pup AskSharknado: Giftening Edition Attempt to make French macaroons Commentary on old Goggles Critical Role Crowdsourced: A Black Mirror-style day where Jetty has to ask what her choices are of the audience for everything! I give you a menu, you decide what she has for dinner? What does she wear? Does she walk on the track or do the eliptical? Does she go to a movie with Doc or play a video game with Mike? Can be done alongside other stuff. Doodle Day Dramatic readings of fan fiction! Drunk History (or whatever your favorite subject would be) with Jet Wolf! Drunk Sailor Moon Exorcising Closet Ghost Fic Prompts Day Figuarts Day! (Not specifically freeing anyone, just various fun poses and such) Guess the plot of a show based on its opening Her Shim-Cheong (manhwa) House of X/Powers of X Hubby's Choice IDW Jem comics liveblog Intros Only (watch show openings, give commentary, guess what show is about, etc.) Jackbox Games Jet Wolf paints along with Bob Ross Jet and Doc go to Heaven/Hell, respectively: Jet gets to write reams of words about the awesomeness of Rei Hino and Doc has to read all of them and say ONLY NICE THINGS. Jet does Tiktok dances Jet Liveblogs Holligay: A Nature Documentary Jet Ranks Sailor Moon Image Songs Jet Reads Goosebumps Jet Reads Legion of Super-Heroes Jet redesigns the Wolf and Gay offices! Jet shows off her knitting Jet Wolf attempts to recreate scenes from Sailor Moon with Mina and Hot Pocket and/or whatever is in the house Jet Wolf reacts to Sailor Moon tiktoks (in blog form) Jet Wolf reads Love and Rockets. Jet Wolf reads the Jem comics by IDW Jet Wolf reviews her old top 100 Sailor Moon moments list Jet Wolf talks about Archie Comics Jet Wolf talks about each cel she owns and why they are so awesome. Jet Wolf writes Poetry Jet Wolf's Top 5's Jet, Hubby and/or family play board games Jetty Rants and Raves Jet Wolf tries to crack the Gravity Falls Codes Kiwi Blitz on Hiveworks Let's Play on Webtoon Liveblog: Favorite X-Men comic book arcs Livestream Pathfinder one-shot LOONA (Collection of music videos with an ongoing story/universe about GIRLS who are FRIENDS and SAVE THE UNIVERSE) Lore Olympus on Webtoon Mike regales us with "the story of your love" while you get increasingly embarrassed Mina and Hot Pocket day - liveblog like a nature documentary Mister Tsukino Does His Taxes and the Household Budget (Sailor Moon fan comic by Shadowjack) Nancy Drew: Ghost Dogs of Moon Lake Not So Shoujo Love Story on Webtoon Pitch Mishaps for Untitled Senshi Game (it is a lovely day in Juuban, and you are a Horrible Minako.) Pitching hubby's favorite media at (readers/holligay/jill/momigay) Playing with dolls (because how could 3 women not have any dolls between them) Re-Take By Studio Kimigabuchi (All Ages Version) Real or Fake Anime (people submit descriptions of anime you guess if it is an anime that actually exists or not) Reviewing succulents Scavenger hunt! Not entirely sure how it would work, maybe folks could send in asks for you to show things like your favorite Rei Hino object, or the thing that's been with you the longest, etc. sewing/knitting/baking tutorial Share or rant about a Roman history topic Sleepless Domain on Hiveworks Talking to Docholligay 2: Doc Harder (basically you talking to Doc's future womb evictee while still in there and telling them stuff like say the greatness of Rei Hino) The Monster Duchess and Contract Princess (manhwa) The Polar Bear Plunge--I take Jetty to our finest Lake Elmo in January, and she jumps in! Note: THIS IS NOT DANGEROUS, WORRYWARTS. I'll bring a life preserver, I've done it before, and I would do it with her if I weren't pregnant. The Senshi Helpline--The Senshi, taking your advice questions, here and now! The World of Moral Reversal Virtual knitting/crafting circle! Let us craft and chat with you! What-If #24 Gwen Stacy Lived Worm the web serial Write an explanation for a drawing we send you! Yuri Hell's Kitchen

[lelenoir]

pairing: best friend!xiao dejun x reader

contents: angst, fluff if u squint, time travelling, character deaths, deal with the devil, highschool au, demon!hendery

word count: 3.1k

prompt:

"magkahawak ang ating kamay,

at walang kamalay malay,

na tinuruan mo ang puso ko,

na umibig ng tunay"

note: thank you to @jenoir for reading the first horrible draft of this fic 💕

last installment of anthology: the series

It was during prom when Xiaojun gathered up enough courage to tell you about how he felt. He could still remember that day oh so vividly, he could almost feel the weight and warmth of your arms perched on his shoulders and wrapped around his neck. He could smell the scent of your hair just by his chin as you lay your head on his chest, bodies swaying to the beat of an unfamiliar love song. It was moments like these where he couldn't believe he had outlived such a phenomenon. He felt his heart pound in his chest, a rapid pace at such a loud volume. He wondered how you didn't hear it. If you did, then he was glad you never told him.

His arms laid comfortably around your waist, the contact burning his skin. In fact, he felt his whole body burn. Right there, under the dim lights of your school's gymnasium with the majority of the student population surrounding you. It almost felt surreal. The way your bodies stood close and just the sensation of having you with him. It was an insatiable feeling. A thirst that only you could quench.

"Y/n?" He spoke up. The call snapping you back to reality as you looked up at him, a hum ringing out of your throat as a response. He could feel his breath get snatched away at the sight of you. His eyes---an already dead giveaway on what he was about to do---looked at you with so much love. You didn't think you deserve them. "I---"

You pressed your palm abruptly on his lips, cutting him off. "Let's just dance, okay?" You see him nod his head as you retrieved your hand and put them on his waist, holding him even closer than before as your face returns to rest on his chest. His breath hitching a bit at the proximity but not having the intention of pulling away.

That was the moment Xiaojun knew what love was. It was the feeling of your arms around him, pulling him closer until he was only a breath away. It was the sound of your soft voice, humming along the unfamiliar song as if it was yours. It was the addictive smell of your vanilla scented hair that wafted through the air. And lastly, it was the way his arms fit perfectly around you like a puzzle piece. Perfectly cut to match his edges. At that moment, he knew where he belonged; by your side.

He felt content just at the thought that you weren't going anywhere. He lived knowing he was breathing the same air as you and seeing the same set of stars in the night sky. If you'd ask for the moon then he'd gladly give it to you no matter what. If you told him to count the stars then he'll stay up every night just to conquer the impossible feat. You could ask him the most difficult and strenuous of tasks and he'd gladly do them. All for you.

That night he drove you home, a mellow song in a different language played in the background as he maneuvered the car to your familiar subdivision. His hand lay loose on the clutch while the other held the steering wheel firmly, spinning it easily as his eyes remained fixed on the road and nothing else. All his courage seemed to dwindle away from him now as a comforting yet awkward silence filled the space.

It was in the instance he passed by the old park you used to go to when he felt your warm hand on his. He turned his attention to you for a moment, only to see you looking out the window and avoiding his gaze. He shifted his eyes back to the front as he clenched on the steering wheel a bit. A few seconds passed when he decided to gulp down his doubts and move his hands to intertwine with yours. He felt his breath get stuck in his throat as you returned the action, clutching on him like he does with you.

"Magkahawak ang ating kamay,

At walang kamalay-malay,"

A luxurious comfort he could never seem to get used to. The sudden boom of electrifying feelings sparking around him at your touch. Another turn and he realised you were so close to going home. The surge of euphoria leaving him before he could even dwell on it.

By the time he stopped infront of your front porch---his car jerked slightly as he turned the engine off, cutting the music midway---he felt a wave of small regret. The both of you now sitting in pure quietness. Your hands still held on to one another as if none of you wanted to let go. He didn't want to let you go. But the night was slowly fading away and you were running out of time.

The sigh that rang from your lips felt like it was echoing around the car as you finally turned to look at him. Eyes wide and filled with stars, Xiaojun wouldn't mind getting lost in them.

The small sad smile in your face confused him a bit but the feeling of your thumb drawing circles on his skin distracted him from ever questioning it. He let himself drown in the feeling. As long as it's you.

"Goodnight, Jun." You whispered.

"I-I'll see you tomorrow?"

You never answered his question, only smiling and planting a small kiss on his cheek before getting out of the car. Dazed, Xiaojun could only watch as you ran back to your house.

Your figure stopped as you reached the door and looked back to him. A small wave from both of you and you were gone. Swallowed by the red door of your family home.

He snapped himself back to reality, turning the key to let the car roar. He felt his cheeks grow flush as he noticed one house turn their light on at the loud sound but it was mostly because of what just happened. He turned the radio on, humming along the tune as he sped away. A hopeful glint present in his sharp eyes. The sheer feeling of happiness he was experiencing remaining to be uncontainable.

"La la la la, la la, la la, la la la…"

The next day, you were gone. The house he took you to the night before was now stripped out of every piece of furniture he was accustomed to. Not a single sign of being inhabited left as he peered through the window. When he asked a woman passing by, he was greeted with dreaded news.

"Oh them? They moved out last night."

That night, the news spoke of a fatal car crash. A drunk driver skidded across the road, pummeling towards a car occupied by a family of three. The anchorman told them only one casualty was resulted from this accident while the others involved only caught minor injuries. Your name was sprawled across the screen as the unlucky victim. Which, in turn, made Xiaojun's heart drop.

His eyes went wide in disbelief as his mother attempted to walk towards him to comfort him. The moment he felt her touch on his shoulders made him jolt up from his seat. Tears brimmed the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill as he shook his head in denial.

"Jun…" his mother started. But he couldn't take it. Couldn't take another moment in that house. That room where you used to snuggle up to him during your countless movie nights. Where you'd cry your eyes out to him. Or laugh your head off at some cheesy joke he said. That room where so many moments with you were made. Even the sweater he wore reminded him of you and how you used to steal it from him back then.

He couldn't take it. The idea of you never coming back. The thought of never seeing you again only filled his mind with remorse and pure regret. In response, His legs bolted himself away, far away from that dreadful house. He couldn't stand the sight of its walls when every time he does, he sees you.

The air felt colder than usual that night. He could remember it as if he was watching a movie. His legs gave out once he reached an unfamiliar clearing. His increasing heart beat distracted him from the pain for a moment as he panted for air. It wasn't long for the tears to come back. He could feel it brimming the sides of his temples. A few drops of sweat stinging his eyes a bit as he defeatedly knelt down on the dewy grass.

The sound of someone clearing their throat made him snap up. A man in a black suit stood in the middle of the forest. His eyes glowed gold and his skin was as pale as snow. Black veins stemmed down his neck to the exposed skin of his hands. The fingers sharpened and black as well.

"Xiao Dejun," the stranger called out. His voice was as smooth as honey, a huge contrast to his unusual and frightening appearance. "I am here to offer you a deal."

Xiaojun sniffed, pulling the sleeve of his clothes to wipe up the last of his tears. "W-what?"

"I am here to offer you a deal." The man repeated more firmly this time, stepping closer and granting Xiaojun the chance to see him fully. "A once in a lifetime opportunity, to bring back---" the stranger lifted his hand up as gold glowing dots appeared from his nails and, like magic, an outline of your face appeared. Xiaojun couldn't help but stare at the image, making the man smirk. "---what you've lost." With a wave of his hand, you were gone.

"What are you?"

"Just a friend who wants to help you. A simple wanderer of this world, just like you. Except, blessed with immeasurable power which I used to help hopeless mortals like you." He answered coolly, stepping closer to Xiaojun until he was merely circling him. "Of course, my kind has been known as many names: fallen angels, monsters, ghosts… demons."

Xiaojun felt his breath hitch. This didn't go unnoticed by the other.

"Although I prefer it if you called me Hendery, it has a nice ring to it. Still, don't misunderstand. Us demons aren't as bad as the movies portray. Don't get me wrong, we do provide our services to you mortals in exchange for something valuable of yours but---and this is one hard but---we only give it to the most desperate of souls. Kind of like yourself, Mr. Xiao." A dark and mischievous glint was present in his eyes as he stared down Xiaojun.

"Does this mean I can have her back?" He asked, voice timid but full of determination.

"Who? The dead girl? I'm afraid that settles a very big price to pay." Hendery answered, examining his nails as if to seem indifferent to the boy.

"I-I'll give you anything." He stuttered. A devilish smirk formed on Hendery's features as he lifted his gaze to the boy.

"You see, Mr. Xiao, a mortal soul is one of the G-man's many divine gifts. Most celestial beings even see it as the most precious. It's simply irreplaceable." He explained.

"So?"

"So?" He repeated it like it was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard. He exhaled in exaggeration, looking at Xiaojun like he was the dumbest creature he'd ever come across with. "The only thing that can replace a mortal soul is another mortal soul, you stupid fuck." Xiaojun rolled his eyes at his words. "Are you willing to sacrifice yourself for one girl?"

Xiaojun gulped. Is he? He thought back to all the times you've helped him. He remembered the day you first met. By the swings, in your old preschool's playground. He remembered the time he fractured his leg and you were the only one outside his family that came to visit. You drew flowers on his cast and he couldn't help but admire how pretty they were. That time you lost your dog and he was the first one you came to. That was the first time he saw you cry so much. His heart sunk inside his chest. He realised that day that he didn't like seeing you cry. At first he tried to convince himself that it was because of the unpleasant feeling in his chest of seeing someone cry but thinking about it now, it hurt him to see you get hurt. And lastly, that night. The warmth. The feeling. And just the sensation of being around you. He missed holding your hand. The moment felt like it happened years ago but the imprint, the ghost of your skin on his, felt so new and impressionable. He could still feel your lips on his cheek.

"Yes." He answered with conviction. "I am."

Impossibly, Hendery's smirk grew wider, eyes glowing brighter with it. "Then I guess we have a deal to settle. Tell me, Mr. Xiao, what is your wish?" He lifted his hand out to shake.

Xiaojun gulped, taking his cold hand with his. Hissing as he felt the demon's sharp nails digging into his skin, drawing a small trail of blood. "I want to save y/n from dying."

"And in exchange?"

Xiaojun took a deep breath, helping himself go through the wicked pain. "I give you my soul."

Hendery knelt down on the ground, his free hand drawing symbols on the dirt. Once he was finished, the grip he held on Xiaojun's hand loosened, allowing the blood to drop on what he drew.

Xiaojun watched as the symbols came alive right in front of his eyes. The stars and unfamiliar font swirling around him as both him and the demon were engulfed in a tornado of red flame.

The heat suffocating and the surroundings hurting his eyes the more he looked. A deafening screech was heard around him, followed by the sounds of car honks and a girl screaming. He heard the song playing again as a mixture of sounds invaded his brain.

"Sana noon pa man ay sinabi na sa iyo,

Kahit hindi na uso ay ito lang ang alam ko"

The singer's voice never faded from his head as he now heard the sound of his own.

"I-I'll see you tomorrow?" He opened his eyes to see you right in front of him. Your eyes glowed under the dim light of his car. Like the last time, you never answered him. Smiling once again before planting a kiss on his cheek. Only this time, he wasn't going to let the moment pass him by. His hand reached your wrist before you could even turn around. His breaths came in pants as he savored your presence. He could feel the tears gloss his eyes as he looked at you.

"Jun, are you okay?" God, how he missed the sound of his name on your lips. He snapped himself back to the present.

"I-I'm fine… I just missed you." He said, nodding along as the tears fell freely across his cheek.

You chuckled, "I haven't even left yet."

His hand went back to yours, intertwining them like how it once was. "Then stay."

"I can't." You replied, holding back the dam of emotions you've been carrying. The sigh you let out became shaky as he continued to stare. "I c-can't."

His eyes pleaded---begged you to stay just a little longer. "I love you."

That was all it took to make you break down your walls. The waters seeping through your well built barrier.

"Please." His voice was desperate. Both hands now grabbing on yours, pulling them to his chest. "Just for a little while."

You couldn't say no to him. You could never. But you had to. You had to and you know it. The clock was ticking and before you could say anything the car started.

"Jun?" You called out, watching helplessly as the car roared to life. The hand he held on you shifted the clutch to drive. "What are you doing?"

"Keeping you safe." He answered.

"No Jun, you don't understand---"

"No y/n! Don't go. Don't move away." He turned his body to face you, his hand maneuvering the wheel. "Stay."

You held his gaze longer than you intended to and you regretted it deeply as a truck suddenly hit Xiaojun's side of the car. The impact caused the car to spin around the air before crashing to the ground.

You coughed once the vehicle settled, your focus turning to Xiaojun who was groaning loudly in pain. You quickly crawled out of the car and to the side of your best friend. The window glass was already non-existent as you pulled him out of his seat. His hair stuck to the side of his bloody face while his eyes fought to stay awake.

"H-hey stay with me, Jun." You pleaded, cradling his head on your arms as you desperately kept him conscious. "I'm right here, okay? I-I'm not going anywhere anymore. Please just---just stay awake for me."

Even with dying he could still bring himself to smile softly at you. "A-as long as you're okay." He whispered. Voice already strained with death as he reached up to caress your cheek. "I love you."

You sobbed harder at his repeated confession. Your hand held on to the one he had on your cheek. "I love you too. So much."

He chuckled, the action making him wince. So this was it? He thought to himself, vision already blurry as he watched you cry. His breathing became erratic. He found it more difficult to breathe now as he tried to stay a bit longer until finally it was all too much.

Dying, for Xiaojun, wasn't like what he expected. He didn't see a big bright light. Nor did he have an out of body experience of his soul being pushed out of his being. His life didn't flash before his eyes. The last thing he ever saw was you but after that didn't see a thing. Instead, everything was dark. Really, really dark.

His hand fell from your cheek, laying limp beside him as his eyes slowly screwed shut. And that was the end for Xiao Dejun. It was always supposed to be.

"I told you to save him." You said against the cold wind. Out of thin air, Hendery appeared next to you.

"The boy made a more interesting offer. You shouldn't have stayed in the car with him." He replied, nonchalantly taking a cigarette off the pack in his pants and lighting them with his finger. He took a whiff of the stick before blowing it out. "Sorry, kid. A deal's a deal." He gripped your shoulders at what he assumed to be comforting before walking away.

The sound of the radio distorted but still recognizable as you held Xiaojun close, crying against him like you did the first time.

"La la la la, la la, la la, la la la…"

our hands held each other

without any of us realizing

that you've taught my heart

how to truly love

replay album?

[benefits1986]

DM Slides

There’s something about the chaos that keeps me up all night and lucky, too. 

After a DM to my OG marketing tatay, I got a reply. He told me he remembers me and asked coyly why nabuhay ako. Still thinking of a comeback because amidst the chaos of daily life, all I have in mind is the weekend spent with my OG marketing dad while catching up over Shakey’s pizza, mojos, chicken and of course, mugs of cold draft beer. For sure, tatawanan na naman ako nito plus his signature one liner na IKAW PA BA? Damnnn. I miss spaces like the space he curated for me. It’s safe enough to commit mistakes in the same manner that he demands nothing less than above average progress and delivery. Syempre, magiging mahabang usapan na naman kung bakit wala pa akong boyfriend or girlfriend. Tapos, tatawanan na naman ako dahil sa mga reasons why ko at ako na naman ang sisihin sa topic na ‘to. For sure ‘yan. Tanggapin ko na ba mga reto and recos niya para matapos na? :D Maging open-minded na lang ako maging housewife na possibly may kids from an XY na malinis ang papel sa previous relationship? LOL. Just before midnight, I got another super curious DM. What got me to skim is the part that says “empowered female leaders” plus a few more lines that make me hope that after the storm and the drought, there’s more to this life, mhie. Ako na lang bahala saan ba ako tutungo. Ako na lang bahala paano ko ma-marry ang realities and challenges. After all, I am really excited for a new chapter whenever, wherever. ;) All endings are fresh starts. All endings are dead ends, too. So, kapit lang, mhie. Kapit lang. All endings lead to detours after a long hike and bike. Minsan akala mo ‘yun na, pero ‘di pala. Tanong na lang talaga is how badly do you want that new chapter to unfold? How far will you go to make things happen while staying truest and kindest to yourself even when the burn and the bash come your way? Actually, this is a test of self-worth at its finest. :) Mhie, powered by Brene Brown na tayo ngayon because na-eat up na natin sina Godin and Greene. Na-max out na natin sila.  I also remember V and am reminded that life is but a dream, a dragon, and a choice. Gagi ka, V. Kung kelan naman kailangan kita, saka ka pa nagpunta sa Other Side. Then again, thank you, V. Your last choice on earth keeps me on my toes for better reasons, I guess. Kung andito ka, sasabihan mo lang ako ng RELAK and that I got this plus ‘wag ako masungit and maldita. HAHAHAHA.  Ungodly hours like this also reminds me of mother dragon’s wrath and warmth. She will most likely tell me to just keep at it. Period. May kasamang pinong kurot. :D Currently hanging on to mother dragon’s Beatles PL. Pota. Nasa ganung level na ako and funny how, I tap my foot and shake my head to mom’s daily sanity pill.  Mother dragon would probably tell me that like the moon, I come with my phases. And that, all things will happen. All things take time and effort. And that I need to stop na akapin ang mundo na naman. LOL. I can’t do all things even when I can do a number of things. Lagot. Palo sa pwet. I am downing this right at the spot where mom spent her last breath. I guess this is it. I guess this is the end and the start, too.  Taurus szn, you little shithead. Matapos ka na. Para focus na ako sa H2 ko. Also, fuck you and love you, Tito Taurus as your Bread fave plays right at this moment. Nasa This Is Beatles PL ako, bakit napunta ako sa PL mo? Alam ko namang mix ito pero marami namang kanta ang Beatles na dapat mauna muna, ‘di ba? Magkampihan pa kayo ng nanay kong Taurus with your smirks and harsh comments. Wala akong pake. Nae-excite ako sa mga susunod na kabanata and I will choose myself, first and foremost. Maiba naman.  Okay back to the world of the living. Sabi nga, mas matakot ka sa mga buhay kesa sa mga patay and zombies. The world of the living is the world waiting and wanting to die. Fight me if you can. Tara!  XOXO, B

[huhnicoles]

[090221] To the force behind our power...

“To die is to rest.”

I’ve never felt defeated until today. I felt so helpless, so hopeless, so defiant at the same time. 

Looking at your casket being wheeled in the church, I wanted to rebel so much. I want to rebel like you do when you know that you don’t like to do something. Your conviction is unbelievable and admirable at the same time. 

I couldn’t believe that you’re already gone. I always thought that you’d be with us longer—more than I’d ever live—if possible. 

We may not have the best relationship, but we had something unique; something that only the two of us share. 

Everyone knows that I am not your biological granddaughter nor we are blood related. Despite that, you loved me. You loved me when I was young and I could still remember it vividly. You were usually the one who’d go up on stage to pin me my ribbons. I remember being so thankful for that because it’s always a struggle to ask someone to pin me my ribbons. Thank you for saving me from the hassle and pain then. 

We only drifted when I grew up being a disciplinarian that Mommy is while you are the always indulging and tolerant grandma to all you grandchildren and great grandchildren. 

I wasn’t sorry to how I treated them because I know in my heart that it was the best for them. The world isn’t limited to people who will understand us in the family, so I tried my best to instill values and discipline to them that will be of use to them when they go past our hold. 

Lola, I believe I did a good job with how I established a relationship to your grandchildren and great grandchildren. The bonds we have now are precious and solid. I’ll continue to take good care of them; it may not be exactly how you would but I assure you that it will be for their goodness’s sake.

Our love-hate relationship continued through the years. We argue and disagree on a lot of things but I felt your love anyways in fleeting moments. I saw the way you loved me in glimpses that thankfully didn’t go unnoticed. 

When we argue and Mom would butt in about returning me to Mama and Papa, you’d immediately say, “Mamunot takon.” 

You dislike the idea of me being returned because, “Uja taran nagbahol, iuli pa nimo.”

‘Di ka naman wrong, La. Sa kwarto mo ako pinanganak, sa bahay at pamilya mo lumaki, at sa mga paniniwala at pag-uugali niyo natuto. 

I always appreciate your conviction whenever we’re in that situation. Thank you so much. 

I hope that you are aware of how much you’ve influenced me in more than 21 years of being with you physically and mentally. 😆 

Elementary pa lang ako, expressions mo na ang bukambibig ko. I know that I shouldn’t say some of those, but I couldn’t help it. It’s weird how it was natural. 

“Ay patay, buhu batuna.”

“Boras ni apay.”

‘Di ko alam ang meaning ng pangalawa because you refused to tell me, I think it was so bad, you’d rather keep it to yourself.

However, it’s already become natural for me to associate that expression in situations that it seem fitting, based on how and when I heard it from you. 

Heck, I even brought it to the city, never minding if no one understood me. What mattered to me is the expression of my emotions exactly how I was used to. It was perfect and comforting to curse, to rant, and to talk the way I was used to and I was unapologetically me wherever I went. 

That’s another thing that was your influence. You’re cool, yunno. I might disagree with some of your principles and beliefs but I learned that when I take it on another perspective, it’ll result to something that aligns to my own principles and beliefs. It’s not all bad. 

We have the rarest relationship in the family, I must say.

You are always vocal of how much you love each other while we’re both vocal about how much we hate each other. 😆 

Sabi nila, gahibla lang ang layo ng galit sa pagmamahal.

Guess that’s our love language. It’s unique, isn’t it? 

We’d bicker here and there then die for each other time after time. 🤣 

Hay, Lola.

Where are you now? 

I sensed you last night, was I right? Is that really you? 

I thought I knew loss when I lost Inang, but your loss is life-fucking-changing. 

God knows how I genuinely cared for you. I don’t care if no one else knows its extent, all that mattered to me is that I do. Despite our ramblings about each other, I did care for you. 

Well, maybe, I hoped that you felt it. 

I’ve heard countless of times how much of a bionic woman you are. I held unto that.

I always thought that you’re a constant in our life, refusing to believe that you’ll leave us one day. I refused to entertain the thoughts of our house being empty of you physical presence. I refused to believe that you’re slowly getting old, that we’re slowly losing you.

Despite your old age, I dodged all of Mommy’s observance and countered with my own possibility. Kasi nga ayaw ko, hindi ko kaya. You are my constant as much as Mommy is. 

I wasn’t prepared to be left, I refused to prepare. I’m sorry.

I used to reflect on my prayers and hopes and arrived to many conclusions. 

I could be selfish because I’m holding you back in my head. 

I may be toxically hopeful because I don’t want you to go.

Or maybe I was an ally on your pursuit of living longer and longer and longer.

Iniisip ko noon na hangga’t gusto mong mabuhay, kahit nahihirapan ka, ayos lang na panghawakan ka lagi. Nandito naman kami para umalalay, para tumulong, para mag-alaga. I’ll be an instrument to your pursuit of long life. 

Saka na lang ako nag-entertain ng thoughts na, “Okay lang na wala ka sa piling namin, at least nakapagpahinga ka na,” no’ng wala ka na. 

I know I’m selfish for refusing to let you go in your last days, when I saw you at your weakest. 

Kasi, La, naniniwala akong lalakas ka pa. Alam kong lalakas ka pa, if only you were able to eat. You’re the sharpest person I know even in your weakest state. Your will to live is stronger than mine, that’s why it’s kinda annoying that you don’t get to live longer than you really do. 

I’d give you some of my supposed sunsets if I could because I know that you’d like that.

In the days and nights of your wake, day and night, I was there with you because I want to; not just because I need to. 

Despite of being there, looking at you through the glass, I didn’t think that you’re gone. 

You’re there, alright. You’re there in a different part of the house, in different position, and different state, but never acknowledging that you’re actually dead.

God, it’s pathetic, right? What were you thinking then, La? 

Ginaisip siguro nimo na umang ko? Haha. 

Maiwan bay ko? Jaan gani. Pero tuwing naaalala nakon na patay don gid gani kaw, daw pirmi takon mapanawag sa imo kag mamangkot it, “Basi?”

Jaan takon.

Weird. Sorry, La. 

Kaya kaina kang ginbuol don nanda kaw sa balay, daw birahon tikaw. Haha. Mamunot bala kaw kato? Char. Ay ilam sa aton. Tonta takon, La. 😆 

I felt so defeated looking at your casket while listening to the homily. I mean, that’s another step to not-being-with-you. Itself inevitably closing in and I know that I can do nothing.

I experienced and felt things that I just hear, read, and watch from others before. I didn’t know how real those emotions and impulses were until today. 

I couldn’t believe that when we go back home from the cemetery, there’s no more you. Not even on the casket. God, it’s a 360-degree change. 

Mingaw taya La nga uwa kaw. Maiwan kami bay kaya? 

Gatuna kag gatapos among adlaw sa imo, maiwan kami kaya? 

I don’t mind serving you again. I don’t mind doing the things I didn’t expect to do again. I don’t mind those. 

If I have something I mind, it’s about our personal bickerings and as long as I can vent it out somewhere, I’m okay again. 

You made me experience things that taught me precious lessons and maybe, that’s exactly how I need to be so I could grow exactly how I’m fated to be. 

I guess, despite our relationship, we are perfectly what we need for each other to grow on different manners, something vital to both of us as individuals. 

Wow, La, perfect gali kita for each other. 😆 Well, that’s my reflection on our relationship. 

I wasn’t able to mourn with complete abandon because of my denial, being the source of strength to those who need it, and my pointless hope. 

La, I’ve never told you something, but I prayed countless of times about it. We were never vocal about our mushy sentiments, so it’s understandable. I’m utterly thankful for the family that you and Lolo Nito built. 

I am me mostly me because of this family; the family that drew strength from you. 

You are the Yggdrasil to our worlds. 

You said, “to die is to rest,” so I’ll hold on to that. I’d love to think that you’re already comfortable wherever you’re now. Wherever you’re heading, know that we find comfort in your memories. 

As the lyrics to your song goes:

“I will go far away where you can see me no more. Goodbye to you, I’m going to leave you now. 

Sad and sorrow is to leave you now, but my darling what shall I do. Sad and sorrow is to leave you now, goodbye my love.”

Sad and sorrow indeed. We’ll get to acceptance thought. We’ll pray for both of our sakes. 

Sabi mo, huwag kaming umiyak kasi magkikita pa naman tayo, ‘di ba? 

So, yeah, see you, La.

Palangga tikaw.