#love not having to use my braincells deciding on colors and shit

[yrdnzz]

kainess comm i finished 2 months ago !!! this is a scene from amselei’s kainess fic, “what we deserve.”

comms are closed at the moment but i will be doing sketches in return for donations for supporting those in palestine, more information on that here :]

[blackghostm2o]

Collecting PotO adaptions like Pokemon cards, lmao.

I’ve watched the 1943 Phantom of the Opera. Obvious spoilers. YAPPING ALLERT!!!

I really liked the design of the mask, ngl I’ve watched the movie just because of that. It is pretty simple but I like the “cat” eyes and the pastel blue (pale blue??? Idk) color (il celeste).

Here Erik (Erique Claudin) doesn’t have a deformity at first, he is just a violinist who fell in disgrace after being fired by the directors because he couldn’t play as good as he used to.

While watching I was “Damn this Erik is like a twitch streamer simp.” And you will obviously say: “Well? Every Erik is a simp.” Yes, I cannot deny that, but here he uses all his money to pay a teacher for Christine (who btw has a different surname) like your average Twitch simp lmfao. At least “more canonic” Eriks teach her themselves (and their behaviour is a bit more excusable because of their appearance and how they were forced to live).

So how does he become the Phantom? They throw some acid at his face. Basically he wanted to publish a concerto to get some money, went to this dude, but he was like: “Tf are you talking about? I’ve not received it.” Then Erique listens to a part of it being played tells him that he is a thief and fucking kills him.

The scene of the acid got me a bit shocked, the woman that was there threw it to him AFTER THE DUDE WAS KILLED, not while the 2 men were fighting. You’ve got those 2 looking at each other for a second and she just throws it, my goodness. He obviously runs away while in agony and uses some SEWER WATER to appease the pain.

He is pretty ruthless here: killed that publisher, killed La Carlotta (has another name) and her maid, kills an actor to take his place and there’s the chandelier kill count which is unknown (how tf he cut that chain that fast is a mystery). Unfortunately the killings are usually off screen (probably because it was the 40’s idk)

Can we talk how there are 3 PEOPLE interested in Christine???? Omfg. There’s Raoul (here is the inspector, but he suck at his job), Erique (obviously) and a third random dude who is a singer (Anatole Garron)… Like damn. Idk if she is just so clueless or actually knows about it and wants to use them for her gain (like Goldoni’s Mirandolina for example). I like The dynamic between Raoul and Anatole it is hilarious, they have one braincell together. Also that ending??? Gay couple (probably not because it was 1943, but I don’t really give a fuck, Raoul x Anatole is real in my heart!)

Erik’s character has been done dirty, the elements that make you feel pity for him and make you love him are absolutely absent. The part at the lair is shit, the relationship between him and Christine is shit, no pathos! No drama! WHERE IS THE FUCKING SASSY AND ALSO PATHETIC MAN THAT IS ON THE ORIGINAL NOVEL???? His ending IS SO FUCKING ANTICLIMACTIC!!!! IT IS SO SHIT THAT I’M MAD.

This movie is okish, not really good. Don’t like what they did to my boy Erik. Love Raoul and Anatole together. Christine decided to get that bag, lol.

Love that mask omg (one of the few good things in this movie)

Bye :)

[pencilofawesomeness]

Hello!

*Taps fingers together* I come to bug you regarding the Secret Santa exchange!

I saw your character prompts and decided to try and mix all three. I wanted to ask if there was any Laxus + Cobra brotp, or Cobra + Thunder Legion friendship headcanons you'd want to see added?

If not headcanons, then anything in particularly you would like to see regarding the five of them?

Hahahah hello there, mystery person~

Oooo you bring to the table a tantalizingly interesting prospect. I do have waaaaaay too many thoughts, and many of them are admittedly steeped in my own AU because I accidentally sold my soul to it (as authors do) so by all means, do not feel encumbered by my thoughts/ideas. Treat them as a buffet to pick and choose and take inspo from, because unfortunately you just gave me license to ramble :D

(and this is going to be rambley; too tired to make this cohesive beyond bullet points)

(I love these idiots very much)

—Laxus and Erik brotp is so real to me, fam. It's the "hey we got a lacrima bestowed upon us, whoo" bonding, for one, but beyond that, the sort of....quiet mutual understanding of what it is like to have a "father" figure who is just treating them like a weapon, making them *stronger*, with a faux sort of affection. Beyond the trauma, though, they are both deadpan assholes and I love that for them. If Erik (and this is the htryds coloring) spends a good deal of time having the braincell, then with Laxus he can channel the little-shit-little-brother energy and bully him a bit, and Laxus can be grouchy back and know that Erik can parse through the emotions and figure out what's genuine or not without him figuring out how to put in the effort.

—Also, depending on the setting, they both have the tendency to pull the ~too good for you~ bad boy vibes as a defense mechanism, which makes it utterly unusable on each other, which is fun. Mostly, though, Laxus and Erik have the ability to enjoy a mutual quietness, so to speak; not trying to prove anything, but just leaning back and being normal young adults (with a little salt on the side) and doing whatever. That said, Erik is a bit too much of a dark mirror of how things could have been worse for Laxus, if Ivan was more involved, and this leads to Laxus winning the "big brother instinct" award of the two, which is an experience Erik is not used to but....does not necessarily hate.

—This is a fun headcanon that I haven't had the chance to incorporate into my series yet, but they have fun little music debates. Laxus got Erik into the magic of using music to calm the overstimulation, but they have wildly different tastes. Laxus loves rock and roll and metal, and Erik turned to liking types of bluegrass and straight up classical music. They meet in the middle at alt-rock. They are both always trying to win each other over on certain songs or genres. It works surprisingly often but it's part of the fun to swear undying rivalry to the other's favorite.

—For more Cobra-specific vibes (aka the canon edgemaster), I can see them being a bit more competitive with each other. Which quickly doesn't work when they have completely different specialties, but an effort is made.

—Also something I haven't had the chance to capitalize on outside of the scenarios in my head, but Bickslow and Erik definitely have a fun "we perceive you but we don't care" vibe that I love. Your secrets are obvious but not their business. Sometimes they people watch together for the fun of it, because all of the thoughts they *do* have regarding the things they know have got to go somewhere.

—Evergreen, being the queen of gossip, really really wants in on this. They tease her for it though, and purposely dangle that tea on a string. (Though sometimes Ever *does* get in on it, mostly when it comes to roasting anyone who was particularly rude or annoying, or the silly speculation at the expense of friends, like figuring out what job Nab will eventually go on or what animal Bisca will adopt next.)

—On this same note, Bickslow and Evergreen both have insufferable little sibling energy amongst the Thunder Legion squad, nevermind that Bickslow is the second oldest. Mostly it's just really fun to tease the more serious ones.

—Though Ever and Bickslow are also the most keenly aware of what it is like to be feared. Truly feared. Having eye magic that isn't quite controllable (as a kid, especially) will grant that experience. It is their unspoken agreement never ever to speak of this, of course.

—On an individual note, it is worth it now to bring up that I am an avid fan (read: it's canon to me and sometimes I forget it's not real canon) of the theory that Bickslow was one of the kids experimented on by the Bureau of Magical Development. He's got that unhinged flavor that comes from straight-up trauma, and it does add more context to his otherwise creepy magic. I also hc that the babies are all deceased test subjects, and that is why they have stuck with him all this time. (I am very passionate about the babies as characters, unfortunately, and my little mini series I'm doing for them on tumblr is proof. I am soooo normal.)

—Another theory I love, and that I have somewhat brandished into my own spin, is that Freed is half demon. He sees this as an awful thing, raised by his human parent (mother, in my case), without any real context for demon culture other than the fear of it, so that's why he's super edgy and has locked all of his demon traits away into a single form he swear never to uses unless things are ~Dire~ or whatnot. It's really not that bad though lol.

—The fact that Erik will Know Freed's secrets bother him immensely. Freed is, unfortunately, *just* a smidge too dense to realize that Bickslow has also known all along, just because Bickslow is strangely very good at keeping things to himself, whereas Erik's magic is more obvious. In my au, Laxus knows too, and is literally just waiting for Freed to admit it, because it's not that big of a deal, really.

—Laxus is also the only one who (at first) knows about Bickslow's past, among the team. Mostly because of some variant of Laxus having seen/met him when it was all raw. Depending on the au flavor, this either is what gives the chaotic dude and the stoic dude a sort of mutual respect (closer to canon) or makes them the og best friends (htryds style). In the latter case, they are each other's impulse control and/or voice of reason, which is probably unfortunate because they're not great at it. This is why Bickslow has doodled drawings on half of Laxus's furniture and why Laxus gets away with avoiding his problems a little longer than he should.

—Freed is simultaneously the most responsible and the most edgy and ergo reckless of the crew. Everyone agrees he's got to value his safety just a little bit more. He's also the only one who consistently remembers the schedule/to-do-list.

—Erik shares the "living itinerary, doesn't have executive disfunction problems" braincell with Freed, and in the right conditions, they work very well together. Bonding over the experience of herding cats, that is their teammates.

—Not a headcanon but I want to whack all of them with sticks. The Sad Boi Stick, the Whump Stick... All flavors. Getting the ones who never fess up to their trauma a good thwack makes the trauma spill out, and I enjoy the possibilities that entails. Put them in Situations. >:D

—I do also appreciate them being silly-goofy, too, of course. No need to be angry all of the time, in some of their cases. (They all need affection so bad. The hurt/comfort allure of it all. Just sit down and admit they need it, etc etc.) Something that is conveniently done after a good physical and emotional thwacking— *gets dragged away forcefully*

[runawaymarbles]

an incomplete list of things that really happen in Moby Dick, an absolutely wild book that I have just finished after four months

Note: events are in the order that I think of them and not the order in which they occur in the book:

Ishmael goes to an inn and they say “there are no beds but if you want to share with this cannibal that’s cool.” Ishmael shares with the cannibal, whose name is Queequeg, and after establishing that he is not going to get eaten, seems to fall madly in love with him.

Quote: "How it is I know not; but there is no place like a bed for confidential disclosures between friends. Man and wife, they say, there open the very bottom of their souls to each other; and some old couples often lie and chat over old times till nearly morning. Thus, then, in our hearts’ honeymoon, lay I and Queequeg—a cosy, loving pair."

Quote: “He pressed his forehead against mine, clasped me round the waist, and said that henceforth we were married; meaning, in his country’s phrase, that we were bosom friends; he would gladly die for me, if need should be.”

Fellas is it gay to kiss a man's nose, cuddle in bed with him, compare yourselves to honeymooners, declare love after 24 hours, and then declare you’re married repeatedly throughout the book?

Backing up a bit, it’s apparently taken for granted the Pacific Islanders are cannibals? But Ishmael also does not seem to have a problem with this, and at some point straight up defends cannibalism (at one point going on a “we’re all cannibals because MEAT IS MURDER” tangent, which is a bit rich for a dude whose day job is killing whales.)

He regularly refers the Polynesian characters as savages, but then will occasionally remind us that he thinks all people are savages, singling out Achilles and, for some reason, German painter Albrecht Durer.

(Occasionally Queequeg will be like “wow Christians are weirdos” and Ishmael will be like “oh shit... he’s right. Why are we such weirdos.”)

At one point while they’re still on land, Ishmael becomes convinced that Queequeg has killed himself, because he’s locked himself in their room. The landlady tells someone to get a sign made that says “no suicides permitted here, and no smoking in the parlor;” because, quote, “might as well kill both birds at once.”

It turns out that Queequeg has not killed himself, he is just squatting with a statue of his god held over his head and refuses to move a muscle until sundown. This is how Herman Melville thinks Ramadan is practiced.

Sidebar: Melville seemed under the impression that Ramadan was a Polynesian thing?

Ishamel drags capitalism at every opportunity

and if there isn’t an opportunity, he makes one

“Paying for things sucks but getting paid is the best even though money is terrible and people who chase money are all going to hell”

On one of the ships they run into, one of the sailors has declared that he is the Archangel Gabriel, and basically recruited most of the crew into a cult. This is never mentioned again.

Instead, Melville gives us entire chapters on: whale heads, whale tales, why whaling is a noble calling actually, rope, etc.

At one point Ishmael flat-out says that if you don’t respect whaling he will fight you 

There is an entire chapter about the color white, in which he lists other white things he thinks are scary. They include: great white sharks, polar bears, albatrosses, the Andes mountains, and albinos.

There is also an entire chapter about whale penis. At one point, if I read that chapter correctly, a dude makes the whale penis into a suit? Or possibly climbs into it? It’s all very euphemistic at that point.

After they kill a whale, they have to do something known as “squeezing sperm.” (He’s referring to parts of the sperm whale, not actual sperm." Ishmael REALLY LIKES squeezing sperm, and goes on about how how sometimes, when squeezing sperm, he accidentally squeezes the hands of his fellows by accident, because they are also squeezing sperm, and Ishmael really likes that and wishes they could hold hands more.

“Would that I could keep squeezing that sperm for ever!” - Ishmael, chapter 94.

He admits that sure, maybe over-whaling could lead to fewer whales, but whales are so big and have been here such a long time that there can’t be any risk of them ever being endangered: look at Elephants! Elephants are doing fine!

The previous chapter did not age well.

There is a dude named Peleg with very strong @dril vibes who, when accused of being a little off his rocker, declares “say that again to me, and start my soul-bolts, but I’ll—I’ll—yes, I’ll swallow a live goat with all his hair and horns on.”

At one point Ishmael’s boat almost gets run over by the ship, and he’s like “is that normal???” and everyone is like “yep” and Ishmael is like “cool if anyone is looking for me I’ll be writing my will” and goes and does that. Which is hilarious because he established in the first chapter that he does not own Anything.

Ishmael is so invested in measuring whales that he tattoos’ whales dimensions onto his arm because he doesn’t have anywhere else to write it down

He’s also really offended that pirates are more famous than whalers.

Queequeg gets a fever and has the carpenter build him a coffin, but then he gets better so they turn his coffin into a buoy. This buoy is the reason Ishmael is the only one not to go down with the ship, so in a way, Queequeg did die to save him. Huh.

Captain Ahab decides that what he needs to kill Moby Dick is a Special Harpoon. He has the blacksmith make one. They are still on their wooden ship at this time and, despite over-explaining every other detail, Melville does not seem to clarify how they did this without burning the ship down.

Ahab also decides he needs to temper it in blood, and asks the harpooners if they’ll contribute some, and they’re like “yeah, whatever, man.”

(The harpooners are all POC who write off all shenanigans as Weird White People Shit, and seem to be the only ones with the braincells.)

The other character with one brain cell is Starbuck, the first mate, who really wants to go home to his wife Mary, and his son, “boy.” I am not convinced he knows his son’s name.

Ahab makes himself a nest on the mast so he can look for Moby Dick and a bird steals his hat

Some out of context quotes:

“Hark! The infernal orgies!”

“Long usage had, for this Stubb, converted the jaws of death into an easy chair.”

“Stubb knows him best of all, and Stubb always says he’s queer; says nothing but that one sufficient little word queer; he’s queer, says Stubb; he’s queer-- queer, queer; and keeps dinning it into Mr. Starbuck all the time-- queer-- sir-- queer, queer, very queer.”

“Alas! Dough-boy!”

[sweetlullabyebye]

Decided to make a list of all the k-dramas I've seen (I'll probably forget a few of them) with a note, because why not?

I'M NOT A ROBOT: 4/10. First drama I ever watched, which is why it gets a higher note than 2/10. Never managed to finish it.

PINOCCHIO: 7/10, really liked it on the first watch, impossible to get through afterwards. Main lead was charming until I realised he wasn't that charming.

W: 6/10. I loved the idea and plot and drawings, but I got very lost towards the end. The main couple had potential but then what.

GOBLIN: 5/10. Never was able to finish it. Age gap made me uncomfy. The only reason I pushed through for a while was the side couple.

EXTRAORDINARY YOU: 9/10. Favorite drama, except for the last episode, and the fact that every male character except for Haru and Donghwa was pretty much despicable. I do recommend watching to see the mess the extras are up to (most scenes have the extras being so damn amazing). The main couple was cute.

MY ID IS GANGNAM BEAUTY: 9,5/10, has a very special place in my heart. It had important subjects and finally a female lead that feels more or less realistic. Also nasty misoginistic guys get knocked out or shamed so that's a plus.

LAWLESS LAWYERS: 10/10. Can do no wrong in my mind. It's fun, it has action, it has drama, it's nice -I probably idealize it thanks to it being the first drama I ever finished-.

MY NAME: 10/10. Yes. Exactly. Everything about it is a work of art. Strong subjects but it's handled well, in my opinion, and having a female lead in such an action-filled serie was so fucking good.

STRONG WOMAN DO BONG SOON: 8/10, very fun to watch (even with the dark parts). The main couple is cute, and even if some of the humor makes me go "eh?", most of it is nice.

WEIGHTLIFTING FAIRY: 8/10, way funnier and better than I expected, and I love the friendships in it, very light hearted overall.

OH MY VENUS: 0/10. Trash.

THE LEGEND OF THE BLUE SEA: 6/10, it almost got me screaming out of frustration. It's fun but also CAN SHE PLEASE USE HER BRAINCELLS FOR ONCE?

MY LOVE FROM THE STARS: 8/10, I keep going back to it. Comfort show so I am VERY biased. I do like to deny the last episode existed and live in a comfortable state of denial.

DESCENDANTS OF THE SUN: 6/10. Got stuck halfway, ended up watching the chinese counterpart instead.

LOVERS OF THE RED SKY: 9/10. It looked stunning, the storyline was addicting, I would sell my soul for the main lead.

HEALER: 8/10, better than I expected.

ZOMBIE DETECTIVE: 9,5/10, mindless fun, easy to watch.

RUGAL: 7/10, not bad.

LOVE WITH FLAWS: 3/10. Only watched for some representation. The main couple gave me headaches, I hated everyone except for a total of three characters. Not worth it.

WHEN THE CAMELLIA BLOOMS: 8/10, I don't really get the mystery part but the romance was cute and I really liked the main dude.

ITAEWON CLASS: 8/10, finally some representation! Plot was kind of messy but the women in it were badass and I liked the overall show.

WHERE STARS LAND: 5/10. Meh.

I REMEMBER YOU: 4/10, only watched for the brothers.

LET'S FIGHT GHOST: 8/10, fun to watch, light hearted, overall nice. The main couple was great to see interract and all.

ARE YOU HUMAN: 2/10, the relationship felt creepy.

HOTEL DEL LUNA: 9/10, this drama took my heart and smashed it like a piñata.

ANGEL'S LAST MISSION: LOVE: 6/10, I don't remember much from it, so it was quite forgettable.

THIRTY BUT SEVENTEEN: 8/10. Actually pretty good? The survivor's guilt in it was interesting to see, and I love found families. Some things did make me a bit uncomfortable (since you know... she still feels like she's seventeen).

WHERE YOUR EYES LINGER: 4/10. Not even fun to watch, honestly. Mention of the classic "who's the bottom" and shit like that made me want to disappear from existence.

K2: 7/10. Lots of Snow White references.

COLOR RUSH: 5/10. They had a light hearted (more or less) start and then... it went super angsty all of a sudden? Wtf?

DEVILISH CHARM: 5/10. Forgettable. Lol.

WATCHER: 9/10, interesting characters and plot, kept me captivated the whole time.

UNCONTROLLABLY FOND: 0/10. No.

GRACEFUL FAMILY: 4/10. Yes... but no.

JUST BETWEEN LOVERS: 9,5/10, very sweet, very comfortable in a way? It deals with trauma and family and relationships in such a way, it's pretty much an unforgettable drama for me. Loved it, loved the couple, loved the characters.

SELL YOUR HAUNTED HOUSE: 4/10. I forgot to care after the second episode.

TELL ME WHAT YOU SAW: 8/10, captivating, very much one of the mystery cops series where you know what it's going to be before you watch it, but still keeps you interested.

LIVE ON: 9/10, better than expected, sweet relationship.

THE GIRL WHO SAW SMELLS: 7/10. Never finished it. Plot made me confused and for what.

MY FELLOW CITIZENS: 4/10. Eh.

MEMORIST: 8/10. Once I got into it, it was very fun to watch.

KILL IT: 10/10, all time favorite, I really liked the vibe, the themes, the characters, the twists.

A PIECE OF YOUR MIND: 5/10. Really liked it at first (the main lead is freaking awesome) but then got more and more uncomfortable as it went.

THE TALE OF NODKU: 6/10. I remember it more fondly than it actually was.

HOMETOWN CHA-CHA: 5/10. I don't even know whether I liked it or not.

BEAUTY INSIDE: 7/10, I guess the message is good? I didn't get so attached to the romance, but it was okay to watch. And it introduced me to Lee Da Hee, so that's pretty nice.

EXTRAORDINARY ATTORNEY WOO: 8/10, likeable characters!

VINCENZO: 7/10, some of the moments were very fun to watch and some... meh. Way more brutal than I expected.

100 DAYS MY PRINCE: 4/10. Nearly unwatchable. The showrunners saw "hate at first sight" and ran with it.

SEARCH WWW: 7/10, main couple was so boring I skipped most of their scenes. Only watch for women supporting women and secondary couple.

CHOCOLATE: 3/10. Bo-ring.

EXTRACURRICULAR: 5/10, it felt like a fever dream.

BUSINESS PROPOSAL: 5/10. Not as fun as I was told it'd be. Cliché defying? Yeah right.

STRANGERS FROM HELL: 8/10. I like to forget it exists. I'm still scared of this drama after more than two years.

(There are more k-dramas but

1. I'm tired

2. I don't remember all of them)

[pianostarinwonderland]

Reasons why I love Azul Ashengrotto because I’m a dirty rag for him 😔😔😔

🤡 Stealing this from @cursedtwst because I need to give Azul some keysmash 🤡🐙

Okay genuinely, I really don’t know why I stan Azul, like legit, idk if it’s just me but I go through my daily life asking myself “Why the FUCK do I stan Azul like ????? This man has made me salty as shit for 1/3 of 2020 by not coming home AND by having a limited SSR RIGHT AFTER his dorm SSR that looks so so good and has duo with Jack, who was my tutorial pull”

But Azul just has to ✨✨💞💞breathe✨✨💞💞 and I go shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

And then proceed to not breathe for the next ten minutes

NO I’M KIDDING I KNOW HOW TO BREATHE I CAN STILL BREATHE

Narrator voice and she says this as she proceeds to stop breathing the moment she tried to capture the following images

PLEASE I AM WEAK FOR AZUL’S SMIRK

AZUL STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP

LIKE EVERY FUCKING TIME I SEE HIS CHIBI SMIRKING I MENTALLY RETURN TO MY ROOTS AS AN APE

NO PLEASE LEGIT, MY HEART JUST GOES AWAWAWAWAWA BECAUSE LIKE HE’S SO HOT WHEN HE SMIRKS AND ALSO I GET SOOSSOSOSOSO GIDDY WHEN HE SMIRKS DURING LESSONS BECAUSE THAT MEANS HE GETS PERFECT AND I JUST GO

“YES AZUL YOU ARE PERFECT YOU DESERVE THAT FUCKING PERFECT”

AND OKAY ONE DAY, I WAS JUST DOING TESTS AND LIKE LILIA IN CURRENT GRASS TEST IS JUST CLENCHES FIST

Then I think I was taking too long to decide on a move or I was doing something

THEN AT THE CORNER OF MY EYE

I SEE AZUL SMIRKING (as seen in the left pic) AND I JUST

WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

YOU KNOW, I HAD TO USE UP AP WHICH I RESERVE FOR ALCHEMY JUST TO CAPTURE AZUL’S PERFECT EXPRESSION ON THE RIGHT (perfect as in the perfect in lessons or just Azul looking perfect in general? Ehhh why not both heehoo)

Okay, but do you know what’s hotter than chibi smirks?

PLEASE EJECT ME IN AMONG US I CONFESS TO BEING THE IMPOSTER

JUST LET ME FLOAT IN SPACE AS I CONTEMPLATE MY LIFE CHOICES THAT ARE ABOUT MY UNHEALTHY ADDICTION TO AZUL’S SMIRK

MY HEART LITERALLY GOES DOKI DOKI EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME I SEE AZUL SMIRK LIKE THIS

LET ME BE LEGIT HERE, I GET SO MUCH OF AZUL’S SMIRKS IN ALCHEMY AND THAT COMPRISES 75% OF THE REASONS WHY I DO ALCHEMY WITH HIM ALL THE DAMN TIME

LISTEN, HE’S ABSOLUTELY FUCKING GORGEOUS WHEN HE SMIRKS LIKE THAT LIKE

BANGS HEAD ON WALL

HHHHHHHHHHAHAHHDHSJJDKEJJDKKE

YOU KNOW MY DISCORD SERVER FRIENDS LIKE TO BULLY ME WITH THIS ONE AZUL SMIRK EMOTE WE HAVE AND EVENTUALLY I JUST GO “nope not gonna say anything abt that nope nope not gonna tell them it’s gonna do things to me because anyway he looks high in that one emote and it’s gonna lead me to bulli anyway so”

SOBS HARD

PLEASE IF AZUL LOOKS AT ME LIKE THAT, MY LEGS WILL ABANDON ME AND MY LAST BRAINCELL WILL SHUT DOWN AND I’LL JUST BE A MESS ON THE GROUND AND I WILL BE A LEGITIMATE DIRTY RAG

Ahfksjfksk fuck I can’t type do you know how many times I have to redo some words

You think the smirk saga isn’t done yet? Well : )

SAY HELLO TO MY ALL TIME FAVORITE CARD IN THIS FUCKING GAME

EXCUSE ME AZUL THAT LOOK IS NOT LEGAL

NOT LEGAL AT ALL

HARD SOBBING

THAT CARD HAS CAUSED ME SALT AND GRIEF FOR 1/3 OF 2020 OKAY

I HAD WANTED THAT CARD BACK WHEN I STILL DID NOT STAN AZUL BECAUSE HE DUOS WITH RIDDLE AND I THOUGHT HEY I GOT RIDDLE AND FLOYD SO EASILY MAYBE AZUL WILL COME HOME

Spongebob narrator voice 81 pulls later

WITH THAT GAZE ALONE AND THAT OP ASS POWER HIS CARD HAS, HE NEARLY BROUGHT MY WILL TO NOT SPEND DOWN, CRUSHED IT LIKE IT WAS NOTHING, AND IF IT WASN’T FOR QUARANTINE, I WOULD HAVE OPENED MY DAMN WALLET

Like everything about that card is just????? So perfect?????? Like, I love love LOVE THE COLORS IN THERE LIKE THOSE SHADES OF BLUE???? MMMMMMMMMMMM AND ALSO THE GOLDEN GLOW FROM THE CONTRACT THAT MAKES IT STAND OUT?? YES

AND THEN AZUL JUST LOOKS AT YOU LIKE THAT WITH THAT BEAUTIFUL SMIRK AND

HIS GROOVY IS ALSO REALLY GOOD, LIKE LOOK AT THAT POWER AND AUTHORITY HE HAS JUST WALKING INTO THE ROOM

But tbh I super love his initial so much that when I look through my friends who have Azul dorm as their support and see some of them using the groovy pic I internally go “whyyyyy”

BUT OKAY YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME I SEE WRITING BLOGS USE AZUL DORM INITIAL AS THEIR CHARA BANNER FOR AZUL, I FUCKING COMBUST

LIKE I AM JUST PEACEFULLY READING AND SCROLLING THEN I SEE AZUL DORM AND GO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああ

AND YO AZUL DORM IS LIKE?? SO GOOD??? EVER SINCE I GOT HIM, MY TEST SCORES FUCKING INCREASED

I DID NOT THINK SS WOULD BE POSSIBLE BECAUSE MY CARDS ARE JUST 🤡🤡🤡 BUT IN ALL ELEMENTS, I AM LESS THAN 200 POINTS AWAY FROM SS AND I’M LOWKEY SALTY ABOUT THAT BUT ALSO SO HAPPY ABOUT IT

AND MY WATER AND FIRE SCORE INCREASED TOO LIKE NOW I’M AT 10K FOR THEM WHEN MY HIGHEST WOULD BE LIKE 8K-9K AND JUST AAAAAAAAA THANK YOU SO MUCH AZUL 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I want lv100 dorm Azul,,,,,,,, literally have a friend in game who has lv100 Azul and I went 👁👄👁

Sup hi I’m totally not sobbing over the fact I don’t have beans Azul

Okay but, if you were following me or knew me back in April-May, you probably would know that I was simping for Jade ish??

Like, when beans day came, I was SO relieved that Jade was the event SR and was like F for Azul stans

5 months later and I’m 🤡🤡🤡

BECAUSE OKAY

I WASN’T PLANNING ON PULLING IN BEANS DAY AT ALL SINCE I JUST WANTED JADE

BUT A FRIEND DID THREE SOLOS AND GOT AZUL SO I WAS LIKE “huh why don’t I try”

Big mistake

I got Jack but no Azul :((((((

And I told myself k stop it you don’t need beans Azul in your life

But my braincell really went “but his duo is Jack and you have Jack SSR and Riddle duos with Azul don’t you want don’t you don’t you :))))))))”

And I ten rolled hours before the event ended and ended up with nothing

Then when Kalim PU came I was salty that I didn’t throw my ten roll key at him and have a chance at getting a better card :)

But enough about my gacha salt, we’re simping here

Ahem so

OKAY THAT GROOVY ART LITERALLY MADE MY EYES GO 👁👄👁

THAT SMIRK IS SO HOT and I WILL SAY IT AGAIN

ALSO THE WAY HIS JACKET FLIES FROM THE FORCE OF HIS MOVEMENTS JUST 😳😳😳😳

Honestly, I’m so sad I don’t have his story :((( his expressions look sososooso good there and like, he gets dissed for having shit PE grades and I live for that AKJDJKAJF

Bringing this back because hOOOOOOOOOT DAAAAAAAAAAMN

I JUST NEED LESS THAN ONE SECOND TO LOOK AT THIS AND I’M ALREADY FLOATING IN SPACE FROM BEING EJECTED IN AMONG US

Sobs and floods NRC in tears

Okay and honestly, I just want to say I feel like the universe has been counting on me to fall for Azul from the start

AND THIS LITERALLY DATES BACK TO WHEN I WAS A CHILD OKAY

So when I was a kid, I was addicted to the word ‘azure’ LIKE I KEPT SAYING THAT WORD TO MYSELF WHEN I WAS ALONE BECAUSE I LOVE THE WAY IT LOOKS I LOVE THE WAY IT SOUNDS

AND THEN HERE COMES AZUL WHOSE NAME IN JAPANESE IS PRONOUNCED AS AZURU AND I JUST

God I love Azul’s name so much, like every time I type out his full name, I go 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

And then okay, if you have been here like at the very very start of this blog or have been stalking all my posts until you reached the end or knew me for a long ass time, I was a Riddle stan

But I was going through receipts in one Discord server while trying to find this old Azul art and those receipts dated back to when Twst was released on March 18 and my friend was screaming about Azul

AND I SAW MYSELF SCREAMING WITH HER AND I WAS LIKE “HOLY SHIT WAS I ALREADY ATTRACTED TO AZUL BACK THEN EVEN AS A RIDDLE STAN??????”

HAVE I BEEN BLIND THIS WHOLE TIME????

LITERALLY THE ONLY PIECE OF EVIDENCE THAT SHOWED I WAS STILL A RIDDLE STAN THEN WAS ME GOING “ok if this is Azul already, what more of Riddle” BUT OTHERWISE, I WAS HOLDS HEAD THE ENTIRE TIME I SAW THOSE RECEIPTS

,,, holy fuck this is long I am so sorry,,,,,,

This isn’t even all my thoughts for Azul,,,,,,, aha haha ahahahhahahhahahahahhahahahhahahahahhahahahhahahhaahahhaha hah hah... fml

[whimsywit]

HAI BABES-

I'm immediately going to jump in cause hehe I'm a sucker for matchups.

Can I have a Truffle for Fairy tail (male) please?

Appearance and style:

I'm a female, 5'1ft and 110lbs (154 cm and 50 - 52Kg). I have short black hair and dark brown eyes. I'm also baby faced which can be annoying at times. I'm slight on the chubby side as well but a lot of people tell me I have an avarage body. My body type is rectangle. I'm in between pale and light brown skinned and my skin is littered with moles and scars. I'm a pure Filipino and I have prescription glasses but I can see fine without them. I've often been called a "soft girl" but I really don't have a certain styles. My clothes are often t-shirts, off-shoulders, (of multiple color and style) and any type jeans. But skinny jeans are my favorite! Hoodies and jackets are a must in winter season. Cause my skin is quite temperature sensitive.

Personality:

I'm often described as a chaotic motherly type of person. But really, it depends per person. I love to tease others but it's not often. And I won't tease them if they are sensitive or short tempered. I can be loud and obnoxious at times but I prefer to stay quiet. But with people I'm very close with, I'm just naturally loud. I can also be such a flirt if I wanted too but I only reserve those skills when needed. It's kinda rusty now but I think I still got it! My patience is very long and I don't get annoyed easily. Though push the right buttons, it won't be pretty.

Affection, teasing, and words are my love language. I tend to get just a tad bit grumpy when I don't get affection. I'm a really observant person, so I'm able to pick up emotional cues, habits, and body language. Though it's does take me a while to get the hang of it. I use that to check on people I care about. I try to act tough and strong so I would be a role model, since I'm the oldest child. I also tend to suppress my emotions and even fake them just so no one would be burden of me. I do share them if I trust you enough. I have the habit of subconsciously changing how I act depending on the people I'm with. I can changed from tye baby of the group to the mature mother to the trouble maker and to the quiet child. It usually depends with the group of people I hang out with.

Flaws and strengths:

I can be really insecure and really clingy. My insecurities are usually my body and my abilities. Not only that, I can also be moody, especially on that time of the month. I overthink things a lot. I sometimes even wonder if my friends actually are my friends or they are just tolerating/pity me. Some say I have trust issues (but honestly I don't think I have trust issues I just overthink things). I'm not afraid of material things or the supernatural. I'm afraid of being judged and left alone or abandoned. I also have a slight fear of falling, both literally and metaphorically. I hate the feeling the loneliness.

But I do give good advice, that's what alot of people tell me. My optimism and energy almost always lifts the mood up. I'm great with talking to people. May it be comforting them, persuading, I can do that. I'm also quite good at reading people. Especially if they are close to me and I've been through things alot with them.

Significant other:

Whenever I like someone, it usually ain't obvious to anyone else, since I'm known to be clingy. But, I would be in TOTAL denial of my own feelings and theirs. It takes me about a month or so to realize my feelings WITH help. My closest friend always has to tell me that I like the guy before I would actually realize it for myself. However, towards them, it seems as if I'm normal. But whenever they are gone, my fan girl self comes out and I'll squeal.

In terms of WHAT I want in a significant other. One of the things that is needed is that they don't mind me being clingy. They should also be willing to put up with me in general. As I can be moody and an overthinker, they just have to be able to either deal or tolerate it. However, in terms of their personality, I don't really mind how they would act. As long as they are morally good. Possessive? Sure just don't go over board. Protective? Same as the last one, no over board. I know that relationships aren't perfect so whatever flaws they have. I don't care. Being mean for no reason, not open minded, inconsiderate all the time, are an immediate turn off though.

Random facts:

I usually listen to pop or ballad but I like almostvall types of music. Songs like IDK you yet by Alexander23 or This is gospel by Panic at the disco are some of my favorite. My star sign is Cancer but I don't really believe it but I love learning about it. I'm an INFP-T (The dreamer) and my Hogwarts house is Ravenclaw! I love learning and doing new things. Science is my favorite subject, specifically Biology/Zoology. I sing and write stories as a hobby.

Thanks! 💕💕 If you need any info please don't hesitate to ask me :DD

HAIIII TYSM okay so this one took a bit of thought since you could work well with a lot of people! But I eventually decided you’d mesh best with...

Natsu Dragneel!

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Yep, the big fireball of power himself :D but really he’s the opposite of intimidating, and ngl you’re gonna have to end up playing mother to him a lot, but when you’re in your loud and chaotic moods you’re the b a n e of the whole guild and an unstoppable force of mischief!

Some of the things that’ll put you on his radar are your optimism and your ability to act strong even when you’re struggling, both of which he’d deeply admire, but he also thinks all your little marks are cool as hell! He calls them your own personal dragon scales >:D

You want someone with good morals? This slayers got the strongest moral compass around. Able to handle your clinginess? He’s already super affectionate maybe to the point of forgetting personal space is a thing so there’s no worry there! Plus he’s got his own temper, so he wouldn’t judge you for being moody, and though he might come off as close-minded sometimes, he’s really just hard-headed. Once you explain something to him he’s on board with anything and everything!

Though, with you being oblivious when it comes to love and him being oblivious..... period, it’d take a while for your relationship to start up, and likely some extra intervention from your friends too. But once y’all are together, trust, you’re practically inseparable.

Natsu thinks you’re the cutest thing around, yea he’d have a bad habit of teasing you for your size, but he’d make up for it with his constant blind protectiveness, and the way he’d pick you up and carry you around all the time uwu. It’s actually a really good balance, since you overthink and he doesn’t think enough (have fun with the braincell custody), but he simplifies things for you so you don’t get too caught up in your doubts, and you make him more conscious of others by example. (also just.... you getting cold in the winter and him warming you up or EVEN WRAPPING HIS SCARF AROUND YOU gosh... good stuff sorcerer weekly eats yalls shit up)

Honestly it’s a bit of an odd pair with you two being so different, but Natsu’s always going to support you, whether it’s relieving you of your insecurities or helping you with your science stuff whenever he can (he won’t get it but boy will he help)! And one thing’s for sure, his loyalty is like no other, so you never have to worry about him leaving you alone.

[lizzibennet]

Honestly, I *DO* like episodes 7, 8, and 9. BUT I would have LOVED if they did everything they did AS PLANNED, and then added the alternatives film (the versions we got) as a bonus. Honestly I hate ROS because Rey is related to HIM. Lbh, NOBODY would have sex with p*alpatine

the problem with episodes 7-9 is that each is a standalone film. that is not a problem in itself since every other star wars trilogy movies could technically be watched as a standalone and with a little context you’d be fine, since they tell an overarching story with three more or less independent characters. episodes 7-9 do not tell an overarching story, they are each chapters to a different telling of rey’s story. ep 7 tells the story of rey nobody, who is both the narrative foil and the in-world counterpart of one of the strongest force users alive, and that’s honestly already a really good premise, buuuuut if we’re going to have a trilogy then that main conflict should be resolved either in the second movie or at the very least in the first half or so of the third because things! need! to! happen! for! a reason! except that they don’t because at the climax of the second film kylo tells rey she’s a nobody, and apparently that changes nothing within her resolve which..... fine, let’s push it and say she’s going to deal with that in the third movie, whatever, but we get to it and actually she’s palpatine’s granddaughter so actually she’s all the jedi which. UGH. the point I’m trying to make is that she is a completely linear character being thrown in three different takes of her story, and I hate to say this because I LOVE her, but after the second movie I totally got it when people said she was a mary sue because her faith in the force and the jedi and her kindness and blahblah NEVER really waivers (except when she gets angry at luke which. saves everyone! how fuckin convenient!) and you could come out and say “lori, if we think like that luke skywalker is also a mary sue”, which, again, don’t get me wrong because he is literally my son but he IS. and in the 80’s that is FINE cause it’s the story we needed - a story about this starry (heh) eyed guy whose unwaivering faith in people and The Magic Around Him™️ may seem a little misguided at first but ends up saving everyone, but that was 40 years ago. and maybe it was silly of me to expect a nuanced take on The Human Specificity Of Empathy from a star wars movie but you know what, I don’t think it was since gareth edwards paved the way with rogue one that is the epitome of analysis of what it really means to be good or bad and I’m not going to rant about how rogue one is the best star wars movie today BUT it set the tone for a less us-vs-them view of the world which was VERY exciting and in line with what I think the 2010-20’s really wants from its heroes in general. so if we want to follow the narrative beats of the first trilogy or at least the first movie (no way of knowing where jj abrams would’ve gone in ep 8) I think that’s fine so as long as you make it your own, and imo jj abrams was, and then rian johnson was like nope lol, and jj abrams tried to fix the narrative 180 rian johnson tried to do, and like. episode 8 is a very fun movie to watch as a star wars fan but narratively it does not make any fuckin sense. I thought so then and now with ep 9 out I think so even more. rian johnson is a very creative guy, he had some REALLY interesting ideas, but WHY give him the creative liberty to do so in the MIDDLEEEEE of the trilogy??? WHY!?!?!? give him a star wars story film! he would KILL it! or you know wait a couple years so the director of the first movie who actually knows what the fuck he’s doing can direct the second, but noooooo the damned fucking mouse wants to wipe his ass with $100 bills so we cannot possibly wait. cohesive storytelling? we don’t give a shit about that in the house of le mouse.

that all to say, there is nothing Fundamentally wrong narratively with either of the three movies. they’re fun to watch. even ep 8, possibly my least fav of the bunch, was a fun experience in cinemas. it’s star wars and disney - they know how to make a blockbuster. the thing is that as a trilogy they simply do not make any sense. if you analyze each movie individually all three seem to have different core themes: ep 7’s is “nobodies are people too actually”, 8 is “maybe space fascists aren’t so bad, actually (also luke is here hey luke)”, and 9 is “I take that back, nobodies aren’t a people actually”. it’s satisfying to watch as a casual spectator who goes to the movies, seems some space gays with one braincell between the three of them and is like coolio and then goes home, but it’s not satisfying to watch as someone even the littlest bit invested in the story because there is no cohesive roundup of everything. the original trilogy was like is luke an idiot for being nice? is vader actually redeemable? is han deserving of trust despite being a space nerf herder? and sometimes u were like what’s happenin!!!! but in the end all your questions are answered quite satisfactorily. luke was right, han is sexy, vader was redeemable. in the prequels: how does anakin skywalker become darth vader? how do he and obi juan become the enemies we see in the death star? what happens to padme? and while the sequels are a beautiful mess that I love they do answer the questions they put out when episode 1 begins, so you know, imagine liking the sequels and hating the prequels when the PREQUELS make more sense, the PREQUELSSSS. anywhomst, point is: the sequels are like here is finn. finn is the first stormtrooper we see the face of! he defects! also the first stormtrooper we se defect. the other defector we know is bodhi from r1, who is very sympathetic despite being imperial, and clearly we’re supposed to feel empathy for finn. finn survives! finn finds rey! go finn I love u! and then. WHAT happens to finn? what furthers his character development into a full fledged person when he starts out with not even a name? where’s his anger? where’s his OBVIOUS narrative direction that should be “ex stormtrooper who shows imperials that fascism is bad actually”? nope, goes almost unmentioned from then on. and again, I love finn, he is literally baby, but he also froze after ep 7 because rian johnson decided to fuck shit up and also because disney is racist. poe? the do-good soldier who is supposed to be the Believer™️? actually he is the only one who was any semblance of a coherent role in ep 8... which is promptly retconned when jj abrams makes him a fucking spice runner in ep 9 lol. who is rey? and they’re like she’s a nobody and that’s why she’s spesh, wait no she is a nobody but she’s spesh because space fascist has the hots for her, oh, no, wait, she’s spesh because PALPATINE. what was the theme of this trilogy? what was the thesis? what questions did they set out to answer and did they answer them at all, never mind well? and it’s unclear, obviously, because three movies with three clearly different views behind them won’t magically make narrative sense just because you are trying to piece them together. they’re not pieces at all, they are three independent takes on the stars and the wars. enjoyable as little snacky treats, not as a three meal course. (also I’m not even going to TOUCH on how what was already a narrative mess was made worse by disney’s NONSTOP fanservice. sw sequels and game of thrones last season are the cautionary tales of why fanservice sucks and while a good, intelligent if cliche or predictable story is always better than a Shocking™️ one that doesn’t make any sense. but if I start on that I will LITERALLY not shut up SO AHEM CONTINUE @LIZZIBENNET)

ALL that to say: I agree w/ u and I LOVE your idea of each movie being an alternative version of the story. honestly, that would make more sense than what we have right now off the bat lol. can you imagine ep 7 being the rose colored version of the story via the heroes’ lenses, and then ep 8 being the “actually space fascism is good if ur kylo ren” version of the story, and then, ep 9 is what actually happened... told by rey nobody, who dances the line between the good and bad until there’s not a line anymore. CHEF’S FUCKIN KISS obviously much more risqué than disney would ever go for, but genius! much better than trying to make us care about these conflicts that they make up in the first 15 mins of each movie. ur mad because episode 7 follows the beats of 4? here’s three movies on why you were wrong when you judged it all true and therefore Bad. HUHU I love that

also the galaxy is a vast place... I am sure there are emperor fuckers out there

[fencesandfrogs]

cloudtail’s daughter au

so i decided to do a full write-up of this au instead of doing a second post to cover books 4-6 and then everything will be self-contained.

the essence of this au is pretty simple: dovewing does not, imo, fulfill the prophecy by being the granddaughter of firestar’s nephew, because that’s at least 3 “kin” away from him. so while i think she’d actually have to be princess’ daughter to fit, i’ll let her be firestar’s grandniece and call that “close enough” because it’s better.

anyway, there’s no real reason for this to change anything, but i think given who cloudtail and brightheart are, and how close dovewing and ivypool are to whitewing, it would probably change quite a few things.

[4k words. 15 minute read. proper section headers.]

this is a big summary so i’m sure i’ll forget things, i’ve already had to add in the events caused by the dovewing/tigerheart romance/conflict that carries through the first three books, and that cloudtail being an atheist has a major effect on ivypaw. i know i wrote a detailed summary of the first arc, where i didn’t forget any of that, but nothing exists for the second arc. anyway this au is tagged cloudtail’s daughter and apparently i have a lot to say about it so i’m sure if you click on the tag you can find info about it. assuming this isn’t the first thing i post. which it might be.

section one: things that don’t happen

so i don’t want this to be a po3 rewrite, which means i’m going to take a moment to explicitly discuss what doesn’t change.

first, po3 stays pretty much exactly the same. i want jayfeather to be a warrior too. i also want him to be dovewing’s brother. but the au where brightheart gives birth to dovekit, anxiety child, and jaykit, blind, and feels like a failure despite the fact that its not like her half-blindness is genetic, is not this au. that is another au.

anyway, hollyleaf does keep herself more together, because she needs to be alive for some family drama. she’s in background character hell (BGCH) for a while, though, especially the first book.

she still goes to the tunnels, mind, she just comes out sooner.

but otherwise, despite my personal tastes, i’m not changing po3 very much.

section two: brightheart’s litters

okay so cloudtail and brightheart have four children, i believe, and my choice is either to replace whitewing, or to replace the others. now, i don’t particularly care for either of these options, but i’d rather they have their second litter younger, so we’re replacing amber/dew/snow. this still lets you have old queen drama, but not so much that you’re like “brightheart how on god’s green earth did you have 3 children with no issues”

instead, she’ll have dovekit and ivykit at about the same time whitewing had them.

now, for complicated cat genetic reasons, cloudtail could have been a black cat. now, here me out: what i mean is, if he wasn’t white, he could be black. basically, white is a masking color in cats, it goes on top of whatever pattern they would have displayed. both he and brightheart would have to inherit one dilute gene (princess was not dilute, so she had to carry it), and then either dovewing or brightheart are tortie, and that’s the best i can do for keeping dovewing grey.

i, personally, lean towards tortie brightheart, because i always pictured her that way, but i have seen some pretty cute tortie dovewing.

ivykit inherits red from her mother, and is tortie either way, because tortie ivypool is cute.

in fact, i’ve been tinkering with the idea that ivykit and dovekit have kind of mirrored grey and cream spots. not, like, perfectly mirrored, because that’s not how tortoiseshell/calico (they would technically be calico, since they have white) works, but close enough to be cute.

section three: arc one (summary)

these books are going to have six protagonists (dovekit, lionblaze, cinderheart, hollyleaf, jayfeather, ivypool, in that order) with a secondary character who gets less chapters but the most important b-plot (ivykit, hollyleaf, lionblaze, jayfeather, cinderheart, dovewing).

arc one focuses on “two braincells” i.e., dovewing, lionblaze, and cinderheart (sorry bb, ur not like the other two, but i’m putting you somewhere) and the main theme is dovepaw learning to manage her power. it’s a tug and pull between dovewing: glass canon, and dovewing: can’t do shit.

cinderheart and lionblaze also have a romance going on, which irritates ivypaw, who has a bit of a catalyst with the dark forest in the middle/end of the arc (like in the original). we only get this through external perspecives, though, because when this happens, lionblaze is in the secondary position.

one of the ways to fix this book series is to decouple it from ivy and dove, much as i love them. both the beavers and the dark forest make up a b-plot in this arc, while the quest for the third prophecy cat, as well as growing tensions between clans, take center stage, and lionblaze and cinderheart work in the second and third book to give us the adult perspective of the tension that dovekit and ivykit can’t in the first book.

mostly, this is fairly low stakes. part of that is because characters are having stakes appropriate for them, rather than smeared around in a book. (looking @ u, flametail buddy). so dovekit/paw spends her first book worried about apprentice things and doesn’t get to narrate again until the end of the series.

section four: book one — growing shadows

i think the fourth apprentice is a stupid name, okay?

so book one is dovekit and ivykit, for pretty obvious reasons.

although actually i’m pushing off the beavers in this to book two or three. i’m not 100% sure where i want that, yet.

so anyway, dovekit is born and wow is she anxiety child. (i call dovewing anxiety child a lot, because, well, she is? i feel like it’s sort of implicit in the books and i’m making it explicity.) anyway, she’s in sensory overload like 100% of the time. see, she was born late, and so she didn’t have her powers kick in over time like lionblaze and jayfeather. nope. she got the adult version right away.

so she spends a lot of time hiding with cloudtail because he’s big and fluffy and not complicated to look at. cloudtail and brightheart are understandibly pretty worried about her, because no one really knows what to do about it. she’s skittish and distractable and extremely sensitive. she hates going out in the rain, hates bright sun, etc.

(side note: dovekit’s powers extend to pretty much all her senses. she can see, hear, and smell much farther than she should, and she can taste and feel much more strongly than an other cat.)

ivykit doesn’t feel unloved, but she does know her sister is getting more attention, and that always kind of hurts, even if you’re understanding.

cloudtail and brightheart work to try to help dovekit get on her feet, but they’re not super successful. she learns to cope enough to be able to function as a kit, but she’s always kind of a strange, quiet kit. she doesn’t know how to talk about seeing too much because she doesn’t realize its too much.

dove is given to cinderheart, because lionblaze is a terrible mentor for small anxiety child, and ivy is given to lionblaze. this will also create drama later, just wait.

so the main plot of this book is keyed into dovepaw learning to hunt. the stakes are pretty low, honestly. they’re mounting around dovepaw and ivypaw, but the girls are too young to properly understand everything.

dovepaw is initially successful hunting due to some luck and being good at spotting prey, but she can’t replicate it. ivypaw only trains with her a bit at first, and she sees this success, and feels like her parents’ attention on dovepaw made dovepaw better than her.

this gets ivypaw into the dark forest. this is the b-plot: ivypaw training, realizing she made a mistake, and not knowing how to get out. plus, she doesn’t have to mind her sister. (ivypaw is raised by an atheist, so while she’s smart enough to eventually work out that these cats are evil, she doesn’t have a sunshine and rainbows view of starclan. that’s the only way i can justify her not being smart enough to nope the fuck out of there, even if she is really young and really angry.)

in clan life, ivypaw knows she needs to look out for dovepaw. she doesn’t mind, but she gets to experience a life without that in the dark forest.

dovepaw does mind how everyone treats her like she’s made of glass. she sees cinderheart talking to brightheart and jayfeather and firestar and feels like everyone thinks she’s useless. so she decides to go out on her own and prove she can function.

dovepaw starts sneaking out at night and she finds the tunnels. her senses dampened, she panicks, running deeper and deeper, getting lost. fallen leaves will find her, and help get her strength up and then get her out. kind of like with hollyleaf, who is out of the caves by now.

ivypaw sees everyone searching for dovepaw and starts to feel guilty about wanting more attention, and the fact that part of why she wants dovepaw back is so people pay attention to ivypaw again. she also feels responsible for this.

cinderheart is distraught, because she really did care about dovepaw, and it’s been three days, her scent tracked to the tunnels but it was raining and no one has seen her since, so she’s probably dead.

ivypaw, grieving, refuses to accept that dovepaw is dead and she hunts outside the tunnel mouth until she thinks she hears something.

dove and ivy reunite and return to the clan. ivypaw’s convictions that dovepaw needs to be protected are strengthened, and dovepaw knows she failed in her goal. everyone is happy to see them.

we get some fretting about how washed out everything is, how the rain didn’t even stick because the soil is so dry. that’s a cue to the drought, which will be a bigger deal next book.

section five: book two — fading echoes

honestly i’m not attached to book titles, but this works here too.

so this book is split between lionblaze and hollyleaf. i’m pretty sure hollyleaf is out of the caves by now, but i haven’t decided if she’s rejoined the clans. she feels strongly for fallen leaves: they’re listed as mates on the warrior cats wiki, and if hollyleaf and jayfeather are both going to have ancient dead ghost mates, she’s at least going to visit hers. her end goal is to get him to starclan so they can be together after her death.

anyway, this is beavers book. i don’t have a ton to say about it because it’s pretty much the same, except hollyleaf goes with dovepaw and cinderheart and she’s our pov as dovepaw falls for tigerheart because (and this is my understanding of her logic in the books to begin with): “big fluffy tom is safe fluffy tom.”

lionblaze feels the disconnect between him and ivypaw, but he can’t help that cinderheart is away. ivypaw is clearly preoccupied, but he can’t tell with what. his larger conflict is in finding the third cat.

this isn’t a filler book, per say. the tree falls and that happens, and lionblaze gets thrown into rebuilding camp. ivypaw feels doubly abandoned. lionblaze tries to win her affection, but he doesn’t know how.

beaver crew gets back. dovepaw has stars in her eyes. ivypaw is close to passing her warrior assessment, but lionblaze can tell she’s holding back because she doesn’t want to leave dovepaw. dovepaw can hunt by now, but she can’t really split her attention.

she’s scared of going into battle.

after a border skirmish where dovepaw just freezes, ideas of her being a medicine cat are raised.

ivypaw sees tigerheart in the dark forest, and she goes all bluefur being like “snowfur ur bf has rabies” on dovepaw, who is not happy with this. ivypaw pushes dovepaw to be a medicine cat because of this. the sisters are squabbling and barely talking.

book ends.

section six: book three — distant whispers

again not 100% sold on the names.

so this is cinderheart’s book, and she’s going to figure this out, because dovepaw and ivypaw are falling apart, and dovepaw deserves to be a warrior. so she convinces firestar to let her and lionblaze take ivypaw and dovepaw to the mountains. she believes, well, i’m not sure i haven’t worked that part out.

anyway, they go.

the tribe is like “yeah the world sure is a big place with a lot to look at. that’s why only half of us look.” (i know that’s not exactly how cave guard’s work but close enough.)

cinderheart is like “hm. what if, dovepaw, just a thought, what if you just, you know, avoid battles? i know it’s part of clan life but judging by the two souls crammed into my body, i’d say there’s been very few major conflicts over this and, reasonably, you should be able to avoid being chosen for battle control.”

dovepaw says, “but cinderheart, i’m a main character! unless i’m being punished or taught a lesson about duty, i’ll be automatically registered for every battle patrol until i die!”

cindheart says, “you’re right, i’m so sorry. hey ivypaw, [whoops yeah ivy and lion are here too sorry i forgot to mention that] what if you two learn to work as a team.”

dovepaw says, “i don’t want to work with her.”

ivypaw says, “that’s a great idea.”

because dovepaw talks very quietly (she forgets not everyone can hear as well as her), ivypaw wins.

they spend at least a month in the tribe, maybe longer, i’m not sure. eventually, they decide to go back. dovepaw is never happy in the tribe, it’s way too loud all the time, but she does manage to sort out her hunting issues, and so fighting is left.

so there’s still a big push for dovepaw to consider maybe being a medicine cat.

but that is not this au. this is the jaywing/dovefeather au where they basically switch roles. there’s a really good fic where dovepaw goes to riverclan for a while that i love and anyway this au is a as-close-as-possible to canon au for me to rectify my issues with dovewing in canon (nominally, i don’t have any, but i think her character was displayed…curiously, and i’m mad about the prophecy.)

ivypaw is team medicine cat. cinderheart and lionblaze are struggling. cinderheart eventually teaches dovepaw an extension of the techniques of the tribe, and they work out that dovepaw can kind of, track the cats she’s with to anchor herself in battle. this means dovepaw no longer is tied to ivypaw for her success, and so they both become warriors.

while they’re still in the tribe, ivypaw has time away from the dark forest and lionblaze finally puts two and two together, and that basically makes up the b-plot for the back half of the book, lionblaze trying to get ivypaw to admit what’s going on and then trying to help her.

dovewing’s senses begin to return but since they come back slowly she’s able to manage them. so she quickly excels in hunting.

ivypool cottons on to the dark forest breeding loyalty between its members, not to their original clans, and realizes that this is going to threaten all four of the clans.

end book with a bang, end first arc. we will now turn to the actually-have-more-than-two-braincells crew (sorry cinderheart, you don’t deserve to be in this group, but your prefix doesn’t end in -y, so you can’t be with jay/holly/ivy in the brainy crew.)

section seven: arc 2 (summary)

so this arc is when the main conflict (dark forest battle) becomes obvious. dovewing’s problems have been sorted out, so she’s pushed into BGCH for a little bit while the smart adults sort things out.

book three ends with ivypool realizing the dark forest isn’t a personal problem, but a clan-group (like, all of the clans together? not sure how to call it) sized problem. ivypool, jayfeather, and hollyleaf together manage to sort out a lot of the dark forest’s eventual plan, and they try to sort out a way to solve it. then the battle happens. that’s basically the summary?

in here, the clans start working together way sooner and the prophecy comes out way faster.

section eight: book 4 — the forgotten character

alright, hollyleaf is liberated from BGCH. actual title is still the forgotten warrior.

hollyleaf and ivypool start to bond, and hollyleaf is convinced all the clans need to know about what’s up.

ivypool disagrees, and they talk about it like rational people.

hollyleaf and fallen leaves are still cute.

jayfeather has his timetravel thing in this book so he can do flametail’s job in the next book. he gets to talk to hollyleaf and fallen leaves about it.

i don’t think i’d mess with jayfeather and briarlight’s relationship in this au, because i think it’s sweet in canon as is, but you know i have thoughts about half moon and briarlight. anyway, jayfeather gets his book next, this is about hollyleaf.

fallen leaves helps hollyleaf learn to control, idk, spirit dream travel? jayfeather helps with this too. hollyleaf has to share extra hard with jayfeather because she took up a disproportionate amount of time in lionblaze’s book.

so anyway, hollyleaf is learning to travel into the dark forest. similar to the way dark forest cats leave it? but in reverse. this is the main plot.

like the second book, it’s not really filler, so much as lower stakes, and like the second book, i don’t have a ton to say about it because the plot is self evident. unfortunately, hollyleaf has the two “chill” books. sorry bb.

anyway, this is building into jayfeather going all angry old man yells at sky at starclan next book, so the biggest conflict in this book is hollyleaf realizing she can just, leave. she can go back in time the way jayfeather did, but on purpose, save fallen leaves, and they can be alive.

i mean, that wouldn’t actually work, not the least because i’m not keen on hollyleaf being a reincarnation, espcially in the reincarnation-lite universe, but also because she can’t save fallen leaves, then he wouldn’t be a sharpclaw, not really, and like a whole host of other issues but anyway

at the end of power of three, hollyleaf runs away from her problems. this book is about her standing up to defend them.

i don’t know if she explicitly breaks up with fallen leaves, but they have a falling out that won’t get resolved until after the great battle. this is a mutual/not mutual thing where they both know that fallen leaves is stopping hollyleaf from fully committing to helping her clans now, but they love each other.

relationship conflict that isn’t forbidden romance.

speaking of, ivypool getting close to hollyleaf means that the two of them start to reconnect with their siblings. hollyleaf’s actions alienated her from jayfeather and lionblaze and she kind of just was sad and apologetic but they didn’t want to forgive her.

(sorry hollybush, says jayfeather,

that’s not my name, says hollyleaf,

oh, says jayfeather, guess i forget. well anyway, i have a new sister now. her name is dovewing.

dovewing?, says hollyleaf. but you don’t like her.

it’s okay, says jayfeather, she never tore my family to shreds and then abandoned me to deal with the fallout.)

(jayfeather and hollyleaf always seemed closer to me than lionblaze and either of them, until hollyleaf’s whole event. anyway he remains petty about everything and lionblaze stands by him because, well, he’s not wrong, also dovewing is important to cinderheart so he feels like he should be on her side on this which means jayfeather’s side. even though cinderheart is friends with hollyleaf look i said lionblaze is a loveable dumbass already, didn’t i?)

so anyway hollyleaf is sad and ivypool sees that and is like “hm maybe i shouldn’t be a petty bitch for no reason” and this is fine until after this series is over when dovewing and tigerheart are like “bitch we gon b together”

dovewing’s emotions get jayfeather to, well, not go back on his actions, but recognize hollyleaf is the most effective person to work with. because lionblaze and dovewing are just. so dumb.

and yeah this book ends with things feeling almost hopeful.

section nine: book 5 — sign of the moon

i cannot overstate how little i care about the titles of these books.

anyway, jayfeather and cinderheart.

i don’t have a ton of thoughts about this one. jayfeather reunites starclan, cinderheart helps convince ivypool and dovewing to work together. this is the book where clans find out about the propechy but not the dark forest that is for next book

they know something is coming, but everyone agrees not to give ivypool away yet. they like her, you know, alive.

anyway, i don’t have much to say because it’s pretty obvious what happens, because this is just a bunch of events from other books crammed into this book, now, and they’ve been written and i don’t see the need to make many changes.

cinderheart and lionblaze have kit drama, maybe? cinderheart counsels dovewing about tigerheart, maybe? my point is it’s not super important.

the book ends with the two warriors to every camp. and dovewing, jayfeather, and lionblaze, are going to get split up.

this is my biggest change so far imo because it’s the most plot relevant.

dovewing is going to shadowclan with ivypool. jayfeather is going to windclan with…i’m not sure yet? i don’t want him going to riverclan because leafpool has ties to riverclan and, well, i want jayfeather to get a chance to stand on his own. and lionblaze goes to riverclan, with either cinderheart or hollyleaf.

jayfeather is super grumbly about this, but admits that it’s important as a show of unity, and also, he’s pretty functional in wind clan? like they’re all playing to their strengths.

jayfeather learns to navigate pretty quickly, dovewing appreciates quiet and also not being that-strange-cat who everyone is super careful around, and lionblaze is big and gregarious and enjoys riverclan being chill and friendly. so yeah, people get a chance to chill and be happy.

ivypool is in position to be angsty next book.

end book.

section ten: book 6 — the last hope

despite my claim that the biggest change is sending the three to different clans, i don’t have a lot to say about it.

basically, well, okay

first, we see ivypool and dovewing again. reminder that last time we were in one of their heads, they were apprentices. in book one.

dovewing couldn’t even hunt last time we had her pov.

so there’s a few chapters to some characterization that happens. dovewing is no longer anxiety child. she’s somewhat shy, she’s soft spoken, but she’s not skittish. you can’t surprise her. and she’s intense. she’ll just stare at you with wide eyes if you come talk to her until you say something she wants to respond to.

ivypool sees why dovewing and tigerheart are good together. she’s still not supportive, but, like, he understands her. he doesn’t treat her like she’s fragile, but he also is kind and forgiving and soft to her.

plus he’s a total simp for dovewing. that helps.

anyway, ivypool gets along fairly well in shadowclan. i don’t have ton of thoughts about this.

ivypool, hollyleaf/cinderheart, and jayfeather’s companion, as well as half of the other cats away on missions, are acting as messengers between their host clans and their home clans. that’s how ivypool gets to find out about info. they meet on the island every morning. or something.

anyway, this bit is where i most hate the set up of this with two pov per book hard cap because it’d be cool to see into everyone else’s head but that’s for novellas and side stories.

the battle happens.

everything sucks. dovewing has basically committed to tigerheart, but bramblestar’s storm messes with the timeline.

and that’s pretty much it.

section eleven: what’s next?

so i swore i wasn’t starting new fic and then i thought of this and now i do want to write it so, maybe?

the most important thing is:

tl/dr: the reason dovewing shouldn’t have been a prophecy cat is because she’s not the kin of firestar’s kin.

[krizaland]

You know what? I love that random pilot from the movie. So despite not knowing his name, I'm going to use my dumbass energy and ask if you've got any relationship hcs for him?

Ooh! I love him too! He was the only one with enough courage and braincells to try to talk some sense into the Tallest!

Note: The pilot doesn’t have an official name. So I named him Skad.

By some miracle, Skad had somehow managed to survive the Florpus. However, the Florpus had left him stranded on Urth!

Needless to say, Skad was petrified! Being on the same planet as Zim aside, Skad was trained a pilot not an Invader! He had no idea how to adapt to life on another planet!

Anxious and alone, Skad frantically searched for shelter. He desperately tried to avoid drawing attention to himself. He didn’t want to even think about what the inhabitants of this terrible planet would do to him if he got caught!

Just when he thought he had found the perfect shelter the door swung open.

“HOLY SHIT! AN ALIEN!”

All of the color drained from Skad’s face. He had been caught by one of the inhabitants! This was it! He was going to die deserted on a foreign planet!

Skad took a deep breath and decided to brace himself for his inevitable doom.  

The moment he turned the face the source of the voice, Skad felt his PAK spark.

“Sorry! Didn’t mean to scare you!” You squeaked as you slowly put your hands in front of your face.

Skad tried to speak but all that came out was gibberish.  Never had he seen such a beautiful creature! Your eyes twinkled with stardust! And your voice! What a lovely sound!

“Ah geez, you don’t speak English do you?” Your face fell a bit as you rubbed the back of your head.

Skad shook away his infatuation and cleared his throat.

“Fear not, Urthinod! I am perfectly capable of understanding and speaking your language!”

“Oh! Sorry for assuming!”

“It’s quite alright. I take it this planet doesn’t get many foreign visitors?” Skad laughed nervously as he tried to sound professional.

“Nope! I mean, people have claimed to have seen an alien but there’s never been any actual proof. Like, I know this really creepy paranormal guy who keeps claiming that one of my classmates is an alien.” You replied casually.

“Creepy paranormal guy?” Skad parroted as he tilted his head to the side.

“Yeah, I think his name is Dib or something. He goes to my skool and he’s always screaming about exposing aliens and dissecting them. But that’s not what makes him creepy though.” You groaned.

“I’m sorry, how is wanting to dissect aliens not creepy?!” Skad gasped as he hugged himself protectively.

“Oh wanting to dissect aliens are definitely creepy but trust me, that’s only the tip of the iceberg with that guy. Speaking of which, we should probably continue this back inside. If Dib finds out that there’s another real alien running around, it’s not gonna end well for you.” You explained as you gestured for Skad to follow you into your house.

Skad reluctantly agreed and followed you inside.

“Alright, we need to be quiet because my parents are sleeping.” You whispered as you crept through the halls.

“My, this home is much more… primitive then I was expecting.” Skad muttered as he observed his surroundings.

“Heh. I guess things are a bit more advanced where you’re from.” You giggled as you led Skad to your room.

“Well, I am from planet Irk. We have the finest technology in the universe.” Skad boasted.

“Really? That’s awesome.” You gently opened your bedroom door and motioned for Skad to enter.

“Indeed. It’s really a shame how behind most of the universe is.” Skad playfully shook his head.

“So what brought you to Urth anyway?” You asked as you pulled up your desk chair and gestured for him to sit.

“Um, Well…It’s quite a long story…” Skad murmured as he slowly sat down.

“It’s cool if you don’t want to talk about it.” You reassured as you plopped onto your bed.

“Oh no! It’s not that! It’s just a long story! I simply don’t want to waste your time with my babbling.” Skad explained as he straightened up a bit.

“You’re not wasting my time at all! I’ve actually always wanted to meet an alien! Tell me everything! As long as you’re comfortable with that, of course.” You gushed as you pressed your hands up against your cheeks.

“Well, since you insist…”

Skad took in a deep breath as he begun to explain everything.  He told you all about his life as one of The Massive’s pilots.  He couldn’t believe that you were actually listening to his entire story! Not only were you listening but you were even asking questions!  

For the first time in his life, Skad felt respected. It was a glorious feeling!  Skad never wanted the feeling to end! He went into more and more detail of his life and even bragged about a few of his slightly exaggerated achievements.

However, all good things must come to an end. Skad soon had no choice but to talk about the dreaded Florpus.  

He felt a twinge of bitterness bubble up as he remembered how stubborn the Tallest were. Had they listened to him none of this would’ve happened!

“So, that’s how I ended up on your planet….” Skad sighed as he hung his head.

“Oh, Skad…”

“You needn’t pity me, Y/N is it?”

“That’s right.” You nodded.

“We Irkens are highly trained! My survival skills are the best in my class! I can assure you, I will be just fine. I’m certain I could just….um…” Skad trailed off as his mind searched for the right words to say.

“You could always stay here with me.”

‘Y/N, I mean no disrespect but I cannot stay on this foreign planet! Not without supplies anyway.” Skad huffed as he folded his arms.

“Ok, well how about you just stay until you can find some supplies?”

“Well… I guess I don’t really have a choice do I?” Skad sighed as he buried his face in his hands.

“Hey, it’s gonna be alright. I promise..” You reassured softly.

“How could you be so sure?”

“Because…. you’re amazing! I know you can get through anything!” You giggled.

“Wait…Do you really think I’m amazing?” Skad’s ruby eyes lit up.

“Of course I do! You managed to survive a deadly multiverse-destroying wormhole! How is that not amazing?!” You cheered as you pointed to the ceiling.

“Well, I’d consider it more lucky than amazing b-but I’m very flattered by your words, Y/N.” Skad stuttered as he rubbed the back of his head.

You let out a yawn and stretched out your arms.

“Alright, I’ve got Skool tomorrow, so I gotta get some sleep. We can talk more in the morning if you want.”

“Sleep? You humans still require that?” Skad blinked in surprise.

“Yeah- Wait, what do you mean still? Don’t Irkens sleep too?” You asked as you raised a brow.

“We Irkens haven’t required sleep for over thousands of years. Our PAKs are equipped with special charging cells that provide us with a constant stream of energy. Therefore, sleep is obsolete to us.” Skad explained as he gestured to his PAK.

“Oh damn! That’s crazy! So you guys don’t get tired? Like at all?!” You asked as your eyes widened a bit.

“Well that’s not entirely true…” Skad muttered as his antennas drooped a bit.

“Eh? I thought your PAKs provided a constant stream of energy or whatever?”

“W-Well it’s true that we Irkens don’t require sleep but we can still get tired if we get overworked. Or when we have to deal with frustrating individuals….” Skad’s voice tapered into a soft mutter as he spoke.

“What was that?”

“N-Nothing! P-Perhaps it would be best for you to get some sleep now! We can talk more in the morning!” Skad spluttered as he waved his hands in front of his face.

“Ok then…I guess I’ll get ready for bed.”

And with that, you dug out your favorite Pjs.

“Why are you pulling out different clothes? I fail to see what’s wrong with what you’re currently wearing/”

“Oh! Well, it’s not comfortable for me to sleep in what I’m wearing now, so I’m going to change into something that is comfortable to sleep in.” You explained as you gestured to your Pjs.

“Oh I see…..W-Wait what?!” Skad’s face flushed as his mind processed what you just said.

“Well you see, we humans don’t like to be uncomfortable when we sleep so-”

“Oh that part I’m fine with! It’s the…changing part that startled me!” Skad spluttered as a few beads of pink sweat dripped down his face.

You couldn’t help but burst out laughing at Skad’s reaction.

“W-What’s so funny?!”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just… I’m not gonna change in front of you! I’m gonna go to the bathroom to change.” You explained playfully.

“O-Oh right! Of course!” Skad let out a nervous chuckle.

And with that, you headed to the bathroom, changed into your Pjs and brushed your teeth.

While you brushed your teeth, Skad let out a dreamy sigh.

“That human sure is something….Perhaps staying here won’t be so bad after all.”

Skad rested his head in his hands as he let out a soft chirp.

ZAP!

Skad’s PAK sparked a bit.

Skad’s eyes widened in shock! That wasn’t supposed to happen.

Skad begun to panic! If anyone found out about his PAK sparking, he would no doubt be deactivated!

It was then Skad’s mind came to a realization:

Most of his people, including the Tallest, have no doubt been swallowed by the Florpus.

Therefore, no one else would even be alive, let alone be able to find out about his sparking PAK.

Skad let out a sigh of relief as he wiped away a few beads of sweat off his forehead.

“Alright! I’m back!”

The sound of your cheerful voice woke Skad from his thoughts.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” You giggled as you plopped onto your bed.

“No! No! You’re fine! I was just um… Well sleep well. Would you like me to shut the lights off?” Skad offered.

“Oh, don’t worry, I can take care of that-”

“Really, it wouldn’t be any trouble for me.” Skad insisted.

“Well if you insist.” You yawned as you begun to crawl into bed.

And with that, Skad turned off the lights as you got cozy in bed.

“Good night, Skad.” You whispered.

“Good Night, Y/N.” Skad replied as he watched you fall into a deep sleep.

Skad stifled a chirp as he watched you sleep.

Yup, he was definitely going to like his new life on Urth.

[tempestuous-cosplay]

Flower Asks

Alisons: Sexuality?

Demi-romantic poly-pansexual.

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

They Them non-binary 

Amaryllis: Birthday?

July 20!!!!! Gunna be 25

Anemone: Favorite flower?

Can’t choose. But its something blue, purple, or red. I really like Hydrangeas and Narcissus flowers.  

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

Brooklyn 99, Avatar the Last Airbender, MeatEater

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

Depends on whats needed. 

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

ah, man, i don’t fuckin know. Probably the line “Change IS nature, dad, the part we can influence. And it all starts when we decide.” from ratatouille 

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

Water, milk, then sprite. Unless we talkin booze, tequilla.

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

ABSOLUTELY 

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

Yup. Would love to have that again one day, but not now. 

Baneberries: Favorite song?

Under My Skin by Jukebox the Ghost at the moment, but consistantly its Pierre by Rynn Weaver. 

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

Better than some but has its issues. 

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

I have 5 closest friends whom i LOVE and talk to with any regularity. 

Begonia: Favorite color?

PURPLE

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

DRAGON

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

I like being awake in the morning bc then it feels like i have so much time to do stuff, but my sleep schedule always shifts to being a night owl.

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

a Kite or a hawk for all that fancy flying.

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A veterinarian, a puppeteer, or the next david attenborough. 

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

I eventually want ONE, just one, of my own when I’m living with a community who will help me raise them. But really, i think too many people are having children who just should not be parents. 

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

Being in love again bc the last times its happened I got traumatized.

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

I always used to say i would never get tattoos and now i have one and plans for more. Ain’t gunna stop till im covered.

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

I would travel up to my friend @b-oredzoi and spent the day with her. She ain’t got a choice. 

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

Single but with some FWB situations goin on.

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

anywhere outside continental US. Im not picky. Top choices Kyoto Japan, the french countryside, p much anywhere in africa.

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

when im tripping on acid or when my friends are hugging me real tight. 

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

YEAH, got one on my thigh. 

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  

YUP, lobes and one cartilage 

California Poppy: Height?  

5′4 and hating every second of it. Wish i was taller. 

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

100%

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

skill boxers stolen from an ex-friend and a shirt that im not 100% sure is mine??? but I’ve had it for a year and wear it all the time soooooooooooo. Mine now

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

I used to sleep with the closet light on until i was, like..... 14? 15?

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

myyyyy mom prolly.

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

my pal Eli

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

something swoopy and pretty. Or the one thats just emojis. 

Columbine: Are you tired?

always

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

getting top surgery and corona being over. 

Coneflower: Dream job?

philanthropist actor/ director. 

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

ambivert. 

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

We did this with balsom fir. anyway, yes i have been!!

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

depending on who they are, as far as they needed me to. I don’t THINK i would kill anyone, but there are a few people i would willingly die for. 

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

A green and purple dragon named Puff, who i still have. He’s always either in my bed or on a shelf in my room. 

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Cancer

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

Didn’t die. Helped stop my grans house from burning down. 

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

so far its getting my associates degree. Either that or dragging myself out of a horrible depressive, self destructive spiral in 2018-2019, getting the help i needed, and doing better for myself and those around me.

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?  

figure out why and wither resolve it or dump the partner.

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

my dad prolly. 

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

Crafty stuff. and animal trivia. 

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

organizing anything, remembering dates, statistics. 

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

Got okayed for top surgery

got surprise money!

Got a sentimental piece of art from my grandparents (at long last.)

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

p solid. Helped my dad with some yard stuff, made a yummy dinner, saw most of the supplies i need for a new project shipped. 

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

mmmmmmm not really, but im getting there.

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

Graduate, move out, get a good, fulfilling job. Travel some more. 

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

The friends who stuck around

my plushie collection

my tarot collection

my print collections from cons

finally having a queen sized bed

books

my pets (wow, almost forgot about them)

my fursuit making skills

my hair

my gently rising self esteem 

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?  

petting soft things, reading, watching Ghibli movies. 

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

all them love languages bro. Every single one. I tailor my affection to the individual and what love language they receive most.   Mostly, I cook for people.

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

We’ve done this one too!

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

Its a nice balmy 72 degrees with a nice breeze. The sun is shinning with some clouds here and there. I go to the zoo with some friends/ a friend and we just share random facts about our favorite animals. we get some cute plushies at the gift shop and then go to a wonderful meal, either greek or korean bbq or Pho and we go back to someones house to watch movies and vibe, sleepy, warm, and content. 

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?

read, craft, organize my room, draw, garden, swim.  

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

I dont have a singular “Best friend”. I do have my Inner circle tho!

Laura- we met my freshman year of collage, first day and we click INSTANTLY. She’s my soulmate and I would go to hell and back for her (RIP to Orphius, but im different)

Bly- we met, like, back in 2014/2015 at house parties but didn’t really start getting SUPER close like we are now until, like, 2017/18/19 ish. Really the only person I actively talk to every single day, my mood twin. We share a braincell. 

Syd- we met at, like, Momocon 2014? 2015?? something like that???? bc we roomed together. We started getting close in 2016 by bonding over fursuit stuff. My go to roadtrip partner. I kinda owe my current joy for life to her bc she helped me through my hell time in 2018 but kicking my ass and teaching me how to make fursuits. 

Eli- we met at Dragon-Con through a mutual friend in 2014, but didn’t really get close until may of 2019. Now we’re p much partners in everything but title bc we just don’t have romantic feelings for eachother. We share a therapist and hang out at least 3 times a month.

Shane: We’ve been friends since, like, 2010 but started getting close in 2017 when they helped me get a job. Then we just,,, stuck around. They kick my ass to get out of the house and do stuff, or did before corona 

Sammi : Friends since 2010 when we were in highschool together. Our friendship was super rocky until we were in different schools and smoothed out as we aged and matured. They are the reason i got into conventions  and cosplay as a whole, so they have only themselves to blame for how I am now. 

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

Eli and laura. 

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

my inner circle is, like, 6 people, but friends as a whole like.... idk.... 20?

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

“Your gender vibe, is, like, primordial. Its a perfect blend of masculine, feminin and things that are just indescribable.”

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

I hate myself, to be perfectly honest. But Im trying my best to be a good person and a good friend, so I don’t have to like me, as long as the people who matter do. 

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

I love my hair. Also how much better at communication i’ve gotten. 

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself? 

my adhd and the social symptoms of that.  

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

i liked swinging and listening to the sounds of shoes on carpet. Good stim time.

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

I never really had a best friend for more than 2 years. They would always move away, So i don’t really have a solid “best friend as a kid.” Why yes, I do have abandonment issues. 

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

How my last relationship ended. I pulled some STUUUUUUUPID shit and never got to own up to it or hold the other person accountable for the harm they did to me. It was just overall horrible and never got any type of closure. Likely never will. But it be that way sometimes. 

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

My grandfather died last week and i feel........ almost nothing bc I honestly really did not like the man. He was horrible to me growing up and horrible to my mother while my grandmother was sick and dying. But he did a number of good things too. But I feel guilty for not mourning him more. 

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

I chose Sawyer bc when I was younger, I was very good at wriggling my way out of work and my mom and aunts would call me “Tom Sawyer”. I also just like Mark Twain and the name Sawyer in general. Feels good

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

In the suberbs of atlanta in a nice house on the Chattahoochee river. I’m actually still living there while I finish school. 

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

Rosey wall paper and gross maroon carpet until 7th grade, when we painted it all blue and put in blue carpet. It was, and is, very VERY blue. Im gunna be painting 2 walls different colors soon.

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

Miserable, tbh. A lot of shit happened when i was 16 that left me with a lot of trauma and issues that I didn’t really have the maturity or energy to deal with while in highschool on top of being queer and dealing with that. So it was a lot of fighting with parents, self loathing, and struggling in school. It had its beautiful wonderful moments that I love with all my heart, but for the most part it was just kinda rough. 

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

Georgia born and raised. She tries her best and is a wonderful mother, but we clashed a lot growing up bc she’s fairly neurotic and likes everything to be precise and orderly and perfect and im... ADHD so sometimes close enough is all you’re going to get. Growing up, i couldn’t communicate what was going on with me or happening in my head very well at all, and it caused a lot of tension. 

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

Hes from Bogota colombia and im almost a carbon copy of him. That means our issues with ADHD have a happen of blowing up at eachother. He’s horrible and constructive communication, but overall is sweet and funny and very very clever. My relationships with both of them are p okay nowadays with a few spats here and there that I will deal with when I don’t live with them anymore. 

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

I never met my paternal grandparents. My maternal grandfather died when I was 6 and i hardly remember him.

My maternal step grandfather was.... not a good man but he was interesting and incredibly smart and fairly liberal. So there was that at least. But, to be honest, I hated the guy.

My maternal grandmother was one of my favorite humans in the world. She spent her whole life a highschool science teacher. She was funny, witty, elegant, a fairly talented cook who always encouraged me in everything I tried. Im still dealing with some emotional stuff regarding her passing, but Im just always so glad i got to spend as much time with her as I did. 

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

haha shit. Maybe my 21? A bunch of friends and i went and hung out at a park then got hammered at my house after. 

Peony: What was your first job?

Working at the summer camp i went to as a kid. Debating going back if I ever can. 

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

I want my future partner to be a friend where things just, grew and blossomed. 

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

Emotional? I try to be constructive and communicative about who or what caused it and doing something productive to help deal with it.

Physical, i just ignore it until it goes away. 

Pink: Where is home?

Wherever Im going to sleep that night. 

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

When my ex broke up with me, I would have cut all ties all together instead of try the whole “we can stay friends” bullshit. I would have just “I don’t hate you, but If we aren’t going to be together, I can’t be friends with you until I’ve had some time to heal.”

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

nope

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

I’ve made my fortune and when I say things people listen, but I can also run away to my beautiful little homestead with my queer friends and wife and all our animals and children living together in a wonder queer commune. I get to travel twice a year and i never have to worry about money. 

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

hmmmm. No idea.

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

can’t pick one person.

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

wind chimes probably.

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

oh man, too many to choose. I’ve lived a wonderful life so far. 

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

Too many to choose. THe night I got dumped, my grandmothers funeral, my friends funeral, some others that I don’t wanna talk about due to triggers. bleah

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

I want..... soup dumplings. 

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

Depends. really intense or personal feelings involving my depression or emotions is almost impossible to talk about. But my feeligns about films and stuff i have 0 issues talking about. 

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

Laura

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

idk, like 7 hours?

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

School

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

im.... technically self employed/ unemployed. I want a job tho. 

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

My killstar hoodie. 

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

Disaster gay.

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

A tarot deck

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

Corona virus. and money. 

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

The entire Heros Of Olymus series The lightning thief and Sea of monsters The trials of Apollo The last unicorn.

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

ideally living with friends and one year away from graduation.

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

*sweats* yea

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

im a witch

[aussie-roadkill]

AAAAAA

Courtney Alister

Personal

* 1)      Age?

26

* 2)      Gender?

Nonbinary (they/she)

* 3)      Romantic/Sexual Orientation?

girls

* 4)      Height?

5’9”

* 5)      Race?

White, German descent

* 6)      What do they look like? (i.e, hair color, eye color, etc).

Pale white skin with some freckles if you look hard enough, thin face, long pitch black curly hair, light blue eyes, several tattoos, mostly on their arms, thin, b-booty, usually wearing black, white or dark shades of purple and blue

* 7)      Any disabilities?

Visually impaired? Not “big” they just need glasses- and the good ol depression and possibly adhd??? Not decided- characters are in a constant state of editing and that’s ok!

* 8)      Is there a meaning to their name?

Nah

* 9)      What makes them, them? 

No fucks given attitude, not commonly outspoken but when they do open their mouth they let you know what they think. Will tear down and vandalise propaganda posters

* 10)   What do they want to be when they grow up/what do they want to do with their lives?

Yes and no? They didn’t really have any aspirations until later in their teenage years. They were always musically inclined and enjoyed the art but didn’t seriously consider a career for some time. (They’re in a band)

 Family

* 11)   Do they have parents? What are they like and how do they act with their child(ren)?

Yeah, neither of their parents really wanted them, so their mother left and they were stuck with their less than kind father, who had no patience for their dig-the-heels-in attitude. Needless to say they didn’t have a good or healthy relationship with each other.

* 12)   Do they have siblings? How do they interact with them? If not, do they wish they had siblings?

No siblings, though they would have gladly accepted a younger sister

* 13)   Extended family? Do they see them often?

Not really, their father was a bit rejected and never bothered with keeping in touch.

* 14)   Do they like where they live? (Is it a safe place?)

Currently, yes. With their father- no.

* 15)   Where do they live? Are they wealthy? Poor? Middle-Class?

Not exactly decided? America somewhere. Middle-Class.

* 16)   Do they have a lot of expectations/pressure on them from family to do great?

They did before ditching them

* 17)   Do they have pets?

Yes! Three bunnies, named Gengar, Clefairy and Jigglypuff

* 18)   Who do they look up to the most/are the closest to in their family?

Their grandparents, simply because they’re the only nice family members they know

* 19) Is there anything special about their family?

Not really

* 20)   Do they wish they lived in a different family/household?

When they were there, yeah

 Friends

* 21)   Best Friend(s)?

Good friends with their bandmate Jordan Brooke

* 22)   Who was their first friend?

 A girl in pre-school, no name as of yet

* 23)   What is their friend group like?

Just a gang of fools with an average of three braincells

* 24)   Do they have a love/hate relationship with any of them?

nope

* 25)   Do they consider any of their friends to be like siblings?

Yes, all of them, friends are family

* 26)   Have they ever hurt a friend or lost one?

In the past, likely

* 27)   Do they have a crush on any of their friends?

No

* 28)   Do they share classes with good friends?

Social classes yes? They’re not in education anymore but when they were they had a few friends, their group was very on-and-off

* 29)   Whom do they go to the most when they need a shoulder to cry on?

They don’t really do that much, but it would likely be Sebastian

* 30)   What would this person do without their friends in their lives?

Hang out alone in their house (as usual) jamin’ out, just not in a Band

 School

* 31)   What grade are they in? If they aren’t in school, how come?

They’re an adult

* 32)   Do/Did they like their teachers? Was there a good one? Bad one?

They had a few over the years they liked, but was on the bad kid list for most of them

* 33)   Do/Did they listen to their teachers or are/were they goofing off a lot?

Goofing usually, mainly due to an inability to concentrate and not having glasses so being unable to read the boards and such, but tried not to disrupt the students who were interested

* 34)   Are/Were they a good student grade wise?

In early years, yes, but at year 4 it started going downhill

* 35)   Do/Did they need extra help?

They needed it but never got it with most teachers

* 36)   What is/was their school like?

A standard public school, shitty at accommodating neurodivergent students of any kind

* 37)   Do/Did they have bullies in school?

A bit, they got digged at a bit but by the teens they gave no shits and punched people

* 38)   Have they ever gotten into a fight at school?

Hahah yeah a lot, people would hassle them for being a “guy” with long hair and dressing feminine-ish and they’d throw hands

* 39)   Have they ever done something stupid/embarrassing at school?

Probably but they don’t remember it

* 40)   How far do they plan to go with school? If they dropped out, do they want to go back?

They were really just staying at school by obligation, didn’t plan on dropping out but didn’t care about getting through “successfully”

 Other

* 41)   Are they dating anyone? Do they want to date? Are they married? Divorced? 

That depend on my good friend Morgan :eyes emoji: (if yes it’s her character Jazz uwu)

* 42)   What is their favorite hobby? Do they keep it a secret?

Any form of making music. It’s difficult to keep it a secret as a musical artist

* 43)   If they could have one thing in life, what would it be?

Trans rights

* 44)   Do they work? If so, what is it? If not, are they looking for one or even want one?

Yes, in a band and takes on any job opportunity they can handle

* 45)   Do they use social media?

Yeah mostly twitter for cryptic shitposting

* 46)   Have they ever been in the hospital?

Yes, dumb accidents as a teenager, and… depression reasons

* 47)   Do they believe in the supernatural, that there is more than the eye can see?

Somewhat- well, yes, they just don’t know what that something is

* 48)   What do they do when they get angry, stressed, or upset?

Play the drums really loudly

* 49)   Would they consider themselves as a good person, bad person, or morally grey?

A good person truly, but accepts that world peace won’t be obtained by punching capitalists

* 50)   Does this OC have any part of you in them? (I.e, personality traits, similar background, etc)

Yeah- all my ocs do- They’re my concentration of anger towards abusers, how I would like to think I’d handle being in that situation- and the unapologetic bluntness I hold deep inside me

@kcuppossibilites bitch do it sorry you know I love you mwah

here’s a blank

[sweetheartjeongguk]

rosy cheeks

pairing: namjoon x reader

genre: fluff, a sliver of angst, parents au 

rating: pg-13 (cursing)

warning(s): mentions of sex, language, namjoon gets his feelings hurt a little bit

word count: 2.4k+

summary: a tale in which two newly-wed 24 year olds tackle parenthood. 

a/n: i just wanted to post a cute little story for namjoon’s birthday! hope you enjoy, sorry if it’s a little short! 

masterlist

If you told your 13-year-old self that you were going to marry your middle school sweetheart and get knocked up less than 2 months after the wedding, you’d probably run out screaming about some crazy lady spewing nonsense about the nerdy kid that sits at the “nerd” table during lunch and stole your cheeseburger.

Truth be told, the 13-year-old you was an asshole so maybe it would have served you right to smack you headfirst with a major glimpse of your future.

But there’s no doubt in your mind that you wouldn’t have believed that you wouldn’t have married Namjoon. After all, he was your first love and after declaring his love for you (of course, after your little cheeseburger debacle) through numerous hand-written letters and personal songs sung just for you, you know that he’ll be your last.

That’s why you approach the pregnancy situation with a light yet fluttery heart. The night the two of you had sex – you knew that you didn’t have a condom with you. Since you two of you are already married, it kind of seems like a no-brainer. Namjoon used to be a major stickler for condoms (even though you had to work a little bit harder since latex isn’t Little Namjoon’s most favorite thing in the world), but he seemed to forget all about that after you finally got hitched.

One night when you come home from work just before your husband, you decide to put together a cute little box filled with little candies and chocolates that you know Namjoon adores before adding the picture of the ultrasound underneath the mass of confectionery. Namjoon stares at you warily when you hand him the box, knowing full-well that his birthday wasn’t for a couple weeks and you (despite trying your best to act nonchalant) buy his gift the day of.

“You’re kind of scaring me, babe,” Namjoon says jokily, but there’s a hint of hesitation in his tone. “don’t tell me they’re divorce papers. I told you I’d fix the toilet when I get to it.”

“Babe, no, that’s not it.” You laugh but stop abruptly at the last bit of information. “Also, I’m holding you against that last part. This is why you don’t invite your drunk friends over because all they do is break things and forget to flush their shit down the toilet.”

“Alright, alright…” Namjoon waves a passive hand before going to open the box.

You bite your lip in anticipation as he rips open the cardboard and stares into the space filled with sugary goodness. His eyes light up in happiness at the little Ryan-themed candies and the rich chocolate he came to love when the two of you went abroad to Europe and spent the whole day eating authentic chocolate at a fancy ass store that practically ate up your savings.

“Honey, this is great! Thank you so much.” He leans over to kiss you sweetly. “My tummy and I will cherish them.”

“You’re missing something!” You point at the bottom. “It’s the most important thing in there!”

“What?” Namjoon chuckles in confusion. He digs around until he feels an edge of what feels like a photograph brush against his knuckles.

Your palms sweat as Namjoon pulls the photo out and puts it up to his face. There is a long period of silence where you can’t tell his expression – mainly because the man shoved the entire picture in his face. It isn’t until you see his shoulders shaking and little droplets drip from his jaw that you know.

“Aw, Joon…”  You pull Namjoon’s arm down to take in his tear-soaked face.

“Babe, we’re gonna be parents?” He chokes out, eyes trailing down towards your seemingly unnoticeable baby bump.

“Yes, honey…” You chuckle wetly. “We’re going to be parents.”

The next thing you know, you’re being body-slammed by Namjoon’s large frame, practically drowning in his tight embrace. His crying calms down for the most part, but you can feel his body twitch from the residual hiccups. You smile to yourself – in that moment, you know that you found the right one for you.

“Oh no…”

You tilt your head up from Namjoon’s chest to stare up at his worried expression.

“How are we going to pay for a child?”

Both of your eyes widen in realization.

Well, shit.

At most, your combined salaries make up a decent amount – not something that immediately pay for a trip to the Bahamas twice a year, but enough to get by each day.

Children are a different story. No matter how money you have, you’re still going to spend a fortune on that little bundle of so-called joy – more like soul-crushing, money-smuggling tiny adults.

Diapers run out in a blink of an eye. Formula costs an arm and a leg, especially if you want that good stuff that basically claims to make your baby into Einstein by the time he’s up and walking. Doctor appointments and babysitters are going to be a pain in your ass. You could always ask your parents for some help whenever the two of you are stuck at work, but you don’t want to become one of those parents that never see their kid.

All of the stress of parenthood suddenly comes crashing down, and you can’t help but fall with it.

Your mini breakdown happens four months in your pregnancy. The two of you are painting your child’s bathroom a pretty purple color, and you get a few strokes in until your thoughts eventually catch up with you.

“I can’t be a mother.” You cry, throwing your paintbrush down. “I’m going to fail miserably, and our child is going to hate me. You’re obviously going to be Father of the Year while I’m stuck here looking like a bloated clown.”

Namjoon looks up from his own painting at the sight of you babbling on and on about your incompetence, black tears falling down your cheeks. You look a little funny, but Namjoon knows better than to mess with a pregnant lady with makeup smeared on her face.

One wrong look, and it’s sleeping on the couch for two weeks. Namjoon didn’t want to endure that (again).

“Baby, look at me.” Namjoon puts down his brush to cup your face in his hands. His warmth heals the tiny worry in the center of your chest – but just barely. “You’re going to fail.”

“Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence, Kim.” You grumble heatedly. “Guess whose bed you’re not sleeping in tonight?”

“What I meant to say is…” Namjoon cuts your words off before you can ramble again, “you’re going to fail from time to time. That’s normal for parents to screw up – you’re not going to be perfect, and you shouldn’t make our child think that.”

“But…I just want to be good.”

Namjoon smiles weakly. “I know, honey. But life’s not that easy. The best that we can do is to teach him or her how to be loving and how to love. That’s all you need in life, after all.”

“How corny.” You snort, but the smile slowly but surely returns. “Also, it’s a he. I can feel it.”

“Liar.” Namjoon squints accusatorily. “I can sense it, and it’s a girl.”

“How can you sense it? I’m literally the one growing this thing like a sea monkey.”

“Please don’t refer to our child as a sea monkey. At least not in front of our parents.”

The months go by fast – a little too fast in your opinion. While you’re happy that you’ll be rid of the giant baby bump, you’re now in the stage of anxiety about actually giving birth. You take advice from any book or website that looks credible, but nothing can soothe the panic zipping through your veins. Advice from your mother and mother-in-law never helps – you’re sick of watching old baby videos and cooing about your future as a mother.

Sometimes, you just want to throw it all away and just think your own thoughts for once.

“Is giving birth even worth it anymore?” You sigh with a hand propped underneath your chin.

Your best friend Chaeyoung stares at you in disbelief. “What’s this Debbie Downer attitude, Mrs. Kim?”

“I don’t know, Chae…” You run your fingers through your hair in frustration. “I’m so ready to stop being pregnant, but my whole new life begins right after that and I’m…”

“Scared?” You nod sadly. “Honey, that’s okay. You’re allowed to be nervous, it’s part of life. If nobody was nervous, don’t you think a lot of reckless shit would be happening around here more often?”

“It’s just that…Namjoon’s so happy and excited, and I feel guilty because I don’t feel like that right now…” You feel a pang in your chest at the thought of Namjoon’s cheery grin flash behind your eyelids every time you blinked.

“You’re the one pregnant, of course you’d be feeling more anxious about it. Guys just have to stick their dick in you, and their job is done.” Chaeyoung shrugs her shoulders.

“You know, sometimes, I think I’m just going to go to Jisoo for my problems.”

“Jokes on you, Jisoo and I share one braincell.”

“Push!”

Namjoon watches in full-fledged panic as you struggle to push through the pain of delivery and birth your child. Your face strains with effort, and your erratic breathing makes it sound as if you’re two seconds away from passing out.

You glare darkly at your husband when you feel his hand awkwardly pet the side of your face.

“You’re doing great, sweetheart.” Namjoon chuckles nervously. “You got this.”

“Thanks, coach. I won’t let you down.” You grit your teeth as another wave of pain floods your body like a violent tsunami.

“First kid?” A nurse jokes, her eyes not leaving your crotch as she helps assist – now it’s even more awkward.

“Um, yeah…” Namjoon wipes away the sweat on his palms.

“And last.” You snarl through another push.

“Ha-ha…she doesn’t mean that.” Namjoon rubs at the back of his neck.

A tiny sting tugs at his heart at your words, but you’re quick to write it off as him mediating the awkward energy in the room. Namjoon’s been pretty vocal about having two, maybe even three kids. To hear the possibility of there never being another opportunity to give life to something the two of you created together…

It kind of hurt.

“You’ve been quiet.”

Namjoon looks up from the tiny human resting in his arms to glance back at you who he thought fell asleep half an hour ago. You’re laying back in the reclined bed with your cheek pressed against the soft pillow Namjoon grabbed from home for you. It’s the one thing that helps you sleep at night, and you’re silently grateful for the thoughtfulness of your husband.

Even in the heat of the moment, Namjoon still remembers what you need most.

“Oh…I’m just admiring our little sunshine…She’s beautiful just like her mother.”

You can sense there’s something he wasn’t telling you. “No offense, but I thought you’d be jumping for joy after finding out your prediction was right.”

“Oh, yeah, that.” Namjoon tries to laugh, but it feels too hollow. He doesn’t even try again.

“Babe, what’s wron—”

“Do you really not want to have another kid with me?” Namjoon winces as his voice cuts through the silence of the hospital room.

Thankfully, your daughter doesn’t wake up from her nap. If anything, she seems to snuggle further next to her father’s warmth.

“Honey…” The corners of his mouth dips into a pout.

“It’s really okay if you don’t want to…it’s your body.” Namjoon quickly adds. “I don’t want to be that guy that forces his wife to just be a baby-making machine and make her out as only being important for that because you’re so kickass in everything you do.”

You keep silent as he continues, albeit with a blossoming smile.

“It’s just that…I really enjoyed the things we did together for the baby. I liked painting the baby room with you and smearing paint all over your face. I liked going to the boring doctor appointments with you just to see your face light up when they show you our baby on the screen. I liked when you’d wear my hoodies and I can see your little bump underneath.”

Namjoon pauses with a sigh. “I guess…I just loved knowing that you’re mine and that we created this beautiful life together. It made me happy to do these things with you, and I…really want to keep doing it.”

Your heart thumps unevenly. Your eyes glisten with tears, but you don’t want to cry – not right now. Right now, you want to stare at your entire world in the form of a tall beanpole of a man and the tiniest dumpling with clear vision. You want to look into Namjoon’s eyes and see the light behind them that you fell in love with at the tender age of 12 in the lunchroom when he stole the last cheeseburger and you stomped on his foot when he laughed at you. You want to stare at your baby’s face and only see the future ahead of you – the future with you, her, and Namjoon together.

“Joon…” Namjoon still holds a dejected look. “I know what I said was harsh, and I’m really sorry about that. The pain of it was insane, and all I could think about was that I don’t want to feel like that ever again.”

You pick yourself back up in order to erase the seemingly permanent discomfort from your husband’s face. You don’t want him to think that you’re blaming him for the pain. “But looking at the two of you together…it made me remember that it’s all worth it in the end. Just as long as I can see you smile at the end of the day.”

In this moment, he reminds you of how grateful you are that your fate found itself tied up with the red string of Namjoon’s life. Anytime that you try to think of a life without him – whether it’s when the two of you are fighting or if he’s been gone on a business trip for a couple days and the days just feel a little bit too long – it feels like poison coursing through your body. It makes you sick to think of a life without Namjoon by your side. He’s been through it all – the good times and the bad. He’s selfless in that way – the perfect attribute for a father.

“Maybe another kid doesn’t sound half as bad…” Namjoon brightens up at your words. “Just not right now because my uterus may have exploded, and my tits are too sore.”

“Beautiful imagery, honey. You should be a poet.”

“You know what, I take that back. Try getting another kid out of me again, Kim Namjoon.”

Needless to say, your twin boys were born the following year.

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTER LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 9

oh goody!

well this is it. the Date Chapter. the chapter, in which, the Date happens. lowkey im so fucking hype for this stupid goddamn chapter AAAAAAAAAAAA this is when the sexy got kicked up about seven notches and i know its gonna be a fucking twenty from here on out so LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GO

“Is this your date, Ms. Fall?” he asked.

Cinder didn’t look away from Glynda. “Mhm.”

STRAIGHT OUT OF THE GODDAMN GATE WE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A SECOND TO EVEN GATHER OURSELVES JUST STRAIGHT UP HUH!!!!!!!!! ‘is this your date’ im legally dead

What the fuck.

already im fucking THRIVING im so glad this chapter’s mood got encapsulated within the first ten seconds and im definitely gonna have to re-read this chapter for the full unannotated experience OOOOOOOOOH MY GOD IM SO READY

Glynda’s thoughts ricocheted inside her head like coins left in a dryer. A part of her couldn’t understand what was happening and disengaged. The rest of her, grasping for purchase in all this, reasoned that going with Cinder was better than staying here confused, alone, and utterly displaced.

glynda ‘i aint ever had a gf before’ goodwitch at her PEAK right here. like GOD shes gone from ‘cinder’s trying to murder me’ to ‘cinder just plopped me right into a date’ like CINDER. CINDER YR CHANGING GEARS SO FAST. YOU DIDNT EVEN SEND FLOWERS OR ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

is it because shes a u-haul lesbian or

Higher, Glynda realized the dress itself was backless, revealing the black tattoo she’d seen so often before, perfectly centered between sharp shoulder blades.

this gay energy is BONKERS, quite frankly??????? where did cinder get her dress from? why does she have it? did she buy it just for this fuckery? or will she pull the ‘i just had a this lil number laying around’ line????????? does she wanna seduce glynda to death?????? was this PLANNED OR DID SHE JUST DECIDE SHE WANTED A DATE AND WTH LIFE REALLY IS SHORT ON REMNANT THESE DAYS?????????? cinder fall please explain your workings to the class

maybe Glynda wasn’t the only one who’d become adept at reading her opponent.

👏 when 👏 will 👏 they 👏 kiss 👏 already 👏👏👏👏

me: this is a slowburn also me: if u assholes dont give me this in the next ten seconds-

“Unarmed? As if you could be so helpless.”

cinder’s style of flirting is just. commentating on a person’s deadliness. that’s IT it’s the only TRICK SHE HAS and its working, is the thing,

im reading the description of the table and remembering the shitpost and oh my god i have to draw this???? hell IS real!!!!!! COULDNT YALL JUST TOSS EM IN A PLAIN BOX,

Cinder eyed her from her bastion of dark cushions,

cinder, ass-deep in cushions: this is peak cuddle territory come and join me

Cinder, for her part, seemed delighted Glynda had noticed. Touching the pendant more gently than Glynda might have ever thought her capable of, Cinder said,  “Yours? You didn’t seem to mind parting with it.”

im still deeply enjoying this powermove the novelty NEVER wears off (and at risk of light spoilers i do enjoy its place in this story 👀)

Cinder let the necklace drop, settling against the swell of her bust once more,

/lightly coughs 👀👀👀

im losing my MIND at how gay this bit is i physically cannot HANDLE IT and if they even describe the meal once im gonna pop off cause i am. SO HUNGRY RN. AAAAAAAAAAAA

Cinder indicated a dish of lamb and vegetables, served on a bed of rice and drizzled in some sort of sauce.

SRY THIS ISNT GAY BUT OH MY GOD IM SO HUNGRY I WANNA E A T I T THAT SOUNDS SO GOOD UGHGHGHGHGHGH WHY DID THIS CHAPTER HAVE TO BE TODAY OF ALL THE DAYS,

Glynda cleared her throat, working out: “The Grimm.”

like. GOD WE KNOW GLYNDA IS JUST SO FUNCTIONALLY BAD AT CONVERSATION BUT OF ALL THE THINGS glynda please just. just. stop thinking abt her sexy tattoos for a fifth of a second,

“You can control them.” A sedate blink. For all the world, Glynda might have just commented on the weather.

which is a faux pas for a date!!!!!!!!!!! at least tell her the DRESS IS SEXY WE ALL KNO WHATS WHAT YR THINKIN ABT

Glancing down as though it were being pointed out to her for the first time, Cinder shrugged and adjusted the end of the glove a little higher on her bicep. “And?” 

a quick aside im enjoying how like... visually expressive cinder is in this remaster! i can see her facial expressions and her motions really clearly in my mind’s eye which is a fun little boon if only because i have to redraw this nonsense hjsgdfjhfksgd but cinder’s got a Good Face this time around! A QUALITY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You should know by now, there’s something about you that’s simply irresistible to Grimm.”

HERE COMES THE PLOT (and a single surviving line so far... this one sentence has survived all the world could throw at it... we stan)

Cinder straightened, and Glynda saw that this was what she’d been waiting for.

“It isn’t every day the great Glynda Goodwitch kneels before her adversary, is it?”

HELLO??????????????????????????? WHATS THIS WORDING????????? honestly tho for a second i thought she meant like. quite literally and i thought id missed some PROPER SHIT RIGHT THERE BUT YEAH WTH!!!!!!! C I N D E R

“You cheated. You can’t beat me on your own.”

yes glynda we gathered that yr a top

“Really, Glynda? Poison?” she sneered, something like offense simmering in her expression. “After all this?”

looks at the camera

anyway,

god im literally losing grasp of words to say because theres such a charged mood in this scene............. theyre brushing fingers............ trading jabs.......... im slurpin it up babey!!!!!!!! this rly is the BEST remaster of this whole scene it DESERVES this wordcount!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Beat you,” Cinder corrected. “And call it a point of pride.”

yes cinder we gathered yr a brat,

this dynamic is why this fic is so fuckign good when will winter have a swift return to add even more fuckery to this wild ride

Then, with a heavy-lidded look, Cinder found Glynda’s hand between them, the touch so sudden and daring that Glynda flinched. The fabric of those gloves was smooth against Glynda’s flesh, and for all that cruelty had marked every other instance of contact between them, Cinder was surprisingly gentle.

whomp there go my nuts

WHAT IS THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO MADE THE EXECUTIVE CHOICE TO ADD THIS LINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO???????????? im losing my BRAINCELLS

What she wasn’t ready for was for Cinder to guide her hand to her own throat and hold it there.

THERE IS IT THERE’S THE KINK IT’S BEEN SPOTTED

oh my GOD what even IS THIS WHO ADDED THIS SECTION WHO ALLOWED THIS TO COME TO P A S S WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS RN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO????????? HEWWO??????????

Now… Now Cinder interested her.

tbh how can i liveblog this? what commentary can i POSSIBLY add that we arent already all THINKING. we just launched into a level of hell so deep that lucifers gonna have to pull some goddamn tricks to follow us down here!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS THIS SCENE! THIS MOMENT! IM SCREAMING

Glynda mirrored the expression back at him, and finally, he coughed, not making strong eye contact with either of them. He set their plate before them and hurried out without so much as a check-in.

i just KNEW that was gonna happen JHGDSFGJHKSDF he was gonna walk in on SMTHNG but i didnt think itd be CINDER’S CHOKING KINK,

okay i took a break and ate my weight in roast chicken and we’re back babey

Almost nervously, her fingers carded through her own dark hair, and there, among the locks, Glynda spotted a glimpse of something white, structured and ridged.

AND I AM INSTANTLY KNOCKED BACK UPON MY ASS 👈W👈H😨A👈T👈

It was easier to ignore the rest of it—whatever it was.

glynda you are a fool and a moron im withering into DUST

On no level had she expected those to be Glynda’s words.

then what... did she expect... well probably -- and rightly so -- ‘bitch WHAT ARE THOSE’ TBH

wait sorry i have to jump back because i forgot customary fingerguns on the most brazen bit of Shit yet:

Cinder was occupying herself with something else: the head of a dragon, perched over the door and staring down at the two of them with red, glossy eyes.

👈👈👈😎👈👈👈

okay BACK TO THE FIC

Fangs snapped together around the word.

aka back to me horni

/chanting TEETH! TEETH! TE

okay but the reason i doubled back to catch that fingergun is because we’re getting ass-deep into plot now!!!!!!!!!!! WITCHES AND DRAGONS BABEY......... HERE’S WHAT OFFAL HUNT IS ALL ABT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant rly drop more fingerguns than that because any astute reader will start realising the dots im shouting abt and honestly half the fun of this fic is the ride so >:3c

“Funny. I was sure he would have told you.”

that blow was so low i think cinder hit the concrete with that one

oh god theyre gonna get to the bit and i-

“Is that what all of this has been about? You called me here to remind me that I'm autistic?”

/SCREAMS

The words were delivered firmly, calmly, but Cinder’s response was the opposite, sudden upheaval seizing her. Her expression opened in something akin to panic. “Wh—no? What? No! That's not what I—”

/SCREAMS

oh my GOD CINDER YOU HAVE FUCKED UP LEGENDARILY!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD SHE WAS FELL ASS-FIRST ONTO A LANDMINE OH MY GOD

offal hunt v1 cinder: im totally in control and im playing glynda every step of the way

offal hunt v2 cinder: OH JESUS OH FUCK OH NO THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT-

Cinder seemed genuinely stressed now, speaking quicker as though trying to bury the last sixty seconds.

i knew this remaster would have sections that would blow me away but this bit really took the fcuking cake DGHSJFSJHFDG holy SHIT this is AMAZING

It was difficult to tell in the low light, but if Glynda wasn't mistaken, there was a bright flush of embarrassment coloring Cinder’s cheeks.

this is SUCH prime content hey remember in one of the early liveblogs that cinder would descend into full dork? WELL THE DESCENT CAME EARLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /pops bottles

“Cinder.” There was a very real line of threat in Glynda’s tone. “Don’t.”

oh this whole scene just keeps getting better i am LOVING this dynamic now!!!!!!! before it was all pretty one-sided so having the conversation rock back and forth is 👌👌👌

That Witch soul of yours—it was designed to void out everything but the prey before you. To be numb to all human emotion. To focus on the hunt and nothing else.

finally the fruit of 50% of my fingerguns COMES TO LIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! PLOT PLOT PLOT

“This is bullshit.” Jabbing an accusing finger at Cinder, Glynda said, “You’re a liar. You’re a criminal!”

i LOVE glyndas pottymouth in this its such a good like... change from her being strict and formal and teachery and now shes full on gremlin huntress hell YES BABY!!!!!!!!!! GO OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“There’s all kinds of things I bet he never told you.” Cinder continued. “Did you know he was close to your predecessor? The Witch who came before you—they were inseparable.”

SRY IM LIKE STRUGGLIN TO COMMENTATE because so much of this like. speaking as an Old-Ass Reader this is like. a LOT! A LOT HAS CHANGED and yet,,,, stayed the same,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, yall kids WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL CHAPTER LIKE................ 15 FOR THIS SHIT (but like. chapter 15 was different because this chapter used to be like chapter 7? so now everythings moved along so chapter 15 doesnt sound that impressive but trust me it was a different fic back then)

When they fell away, burnt and ruined, she could see Cinder’s bare arms for the first time. The red lines drawn across her skin sloped down the entire length of her arms, circling her elbows, carved into her wrists. They ended right at her hands, ensuring any long-sleeved garment would hide them. Every covered inch of her was filled like a canvas, like abstract art.

lets pause the fight scene for glynda to be gay!!!!! god im. okay look i said this earlier but im so glad we have more cinder like this tbh. the first version was rly lacking w/ cinder content until late-game when the plot sorta. got itself going? but now we’re eye-deep in this content i LOVE cinder i love this WEIRDO who is a HUGE LOSER and IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Glynda could not dispel the fear that she had been telling the truth.

and after committing Some Amount In Damages, we’re at the end of the chapter!

okay so i really enjoyed this version SO MUCH MORE. everything abt it was polished and worked together so much better and it really needed the space to breathe in its own chapter. its been horny, gay, intense, hilarious, and way more in one chapter and its SO good this really is PEAK offal hunt!!!!!!!!!!!! good job diesel and kc but im still going to murder you both,

[pocket-lizart]

I posted 7,472 times in 2022

That's 7,289 more posts than 2021!

(I thinks that's a lie, no way I only posted ~200 times last year

EDIT: Ok nvm, I checked last years review and this is correct somehow????)

83 posts created (1%)

7,389 posts reblogged (99%)

(Lovely ratio 👌)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@fuckyeahfreeimmortal

@feyishven

@wizardpotions

@better-name

@batboi13

I tagged 1,182 of my posts in 2022

1. #not my art - 227 posts

2. #--- - 148 posts

(This tag I always use to separate my ramblings from the actual functional tags)

3. #our flag means death - 116 posts

4. #stobotnik - 116 posts

(Wtf ofmd and stobotnik are equal??? That's interesting considering I only was obsessed with ofmd for a few months at most, meanwhile the stobotnik brainrot already started last year and is still going on. Guess I just pass out and hit quick reblog whenever I see stobotnik, no braincells left for writing tags)

5. #rambling about pretty pretty art - 103 posts

6. #my own art - 42 posts

7. #rambling - 38 posts

8. #inktober - 29 posts

9. #agent stone - 24 posts

10. #yes - 22 posts

(Yes of course)

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#oh my fucking god jesus fucking christ oh my god fucking shit jesus fuck oh my fucking jesus fucking christ god in heaven holy fucking shi

(I think I was having a gay meltdown there)

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Van Helsing has so many doctor titles but clearly none of them are in Communications

448 notes - Posted September 13, 2022

#4

I couldn't find that post with the polycule chart anymore, so I decided to just make a new one to include Van Helsing

aaaand then I accidentally shape it like a dick.... I swear that wasn't intentional, I only noticed it when I was already done and I didn't want to redo the whole thing

updated version

479 notes - Posted September 2, 2022

#3

Shout out to that mom from Turning Red who heard her daughter screaming and trashing the bathroom and her immediate reaction was "Could that be the family curse which turns us into literal giant furry monsters?? Noo can't be! It's probably just periods no need to worry. In fact, no need to even bring up the whole curse thing, instead let me just grab my bazillion boxes of pads I hoard at all times"

679 notes - Posted March 17, 2022

#2

If the Master Emerald is a combination of multiple differently colored gems, why is it green? shouldn't it be more colorful?

(and I'm definitely not only saying this because I think all the Robotnik scenes should be upgraded to rainbow lightning)

See the full post

860 notes - Posted May 4, 2022

(Ahh yes, rainbow sonic edits my beloved)

My #1 post of 2022

They can't all be gay! It's the 80's, back then homophobia-WRONG!!

Actually homophobia was invented in 2022 by the Duffer Brothers

2,379 notes - Posted July 3, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[revenge-goth]

addiction: a life update

so im gonna post an update on my life. not that yall want it or will even read it but i really need this rn soo. also theres a lot im not gonna iclude bc i wanna talk about addiction. theres a lot to be said about gow i used sex as a coping mechanism, my relapses with self harm, and my journey w medications and mental illness. ill save that for another time. also huge trigger warning for addiction, rape, and suicide.

----------

i started drinking back around 2013 when i was 15. from there, i became a high functioning alcoholic for the next three years. i would always start my day drinking, always took tumblers w alcohol to school. no one really noticed until around my senior year when it really started to become more of a problem due to having been in a really sexually abusive relationship. i did it to cope with everything. i was scared about the future since i never thought i was going to make it past 17 and my 18th birthday was slowly approaching. i was scared about college and growing up and what i wanted to do with my life. i remember being really drunk when receiving my awards and scholarships at a school district function. i remember i found it funny that a fuck up like me was representing my high school and seen as a really successful student while i was masking my drunken state.

by the time i went to college i was blowing through cash for alcohol, i stole from bars, i stole from frat guys. i lied a lot. i did a lot of stupid shit.

during this though, my following on twitter was growing steadily. my drunken thoughts and actions became peoples entertainment and was sensationalized by those around me. people would recognize me as sandia goth in public, people wanted to party w me, people wanted to hang w me, people loved that version of me.

in 2017 i started abusing pills after being raped at a party. i was really drunk when it happened and i dont really remember it. that night is one of those regrets i have to carry with me for the rest of my life. at first i would abuse sleeping meds. later on i started to abuse the fuck outta my antipsychotics. eventually i was prescribed ativan, a benzodiazepine, and that was the beginning of my downward spiral. i was constantly downing pills with a bottle of vodka every night. i was always really careless. i had it in my head that maybe taking all those pills and drinking would eventually end up killing me and that one night i just wouldnt make it home. i dont remember a lot from that period in my life. i remember vague things like stading out on my dorms balcony while all the color around me was extremely saturated and everything was shiny. i remember waking up after a really bad bender in my own vomit. i remember how disappointed my sister was. i remember staring at the bathroom floor.

i hit rock bottom that december, i had tried to commit suicide multiple times in my life but this time i felt like it was a lot more real and a lot more final. it didnt happen though. i dont remember christmas and in my drunken state i lost the christmas present my sister was so excited about giving me. looking back at pictures you could tell that i wasnt there at all and that my family was taking notice.

in january 2018 i checked myself into an inpatient hospital to get sober. i was terrified. i showed up to the hospital intoxicated. they ask you a lot of questions when you come in and i remember talking about everything and just laughing about it. the assessor was really creeped out. they made me sleep it off in a waiting room before they let me into the unit.

it helped a lot and i met a lot of people i wont ever forget. it was kind of weird being the youngest there and group was rough. i remember staying in my room and not being able to go eat because my heartrate was at 52 and i felt actually dead. the withdrawal process was really difficult and staying off was even harder. the first thing i did when i was discharged was drink a whole lot, get high, and had my friends drive me across half of the valley going 90 on the freeway while blasting lcd soundsystem with the windows down at 3 am.

after that i decided that it was time to really stop. my parents had cleared out the liquor cabinet and moved me to a room downstairs with no lock where they could keep an eye on me. they found my stash and threw it out. i also started smoking a lot of fuckin cigarettes. i was sober for about 5 months.

i started drinking again but just socially. a healthy amount. i was good except for a few hiccups here and there until march 2019 when i was raped, again, at another party. i was sober this time which really fucked me up. i remember everything and still have nightmares about it. i started abusing medications again and smoking a lot of weed. i was high for about three weeks before i became suicidal and called the cops on myself so i could be hospitalized. i would end up being hospitalized for two weeks. when i got out i started snorting ambien (which is fuckin wack and i dont recommend). that landed me back in the hospital two weeks later. i would be hospitalized two more times before being stable enough to not have someone taking care of me 24/7.

and we come to now. last week i relapsed. i got really sick though bc the wine i drank was spolied. it really scared me though because i thought my braincells were dying because of all the pills i had snorted (i literally thought this) but it was just the wine. it kind of scared me back to my senses though that that path is not the fuckin way to go.

ive recently gotten back to the things i love: music and art. i reopened my tumblr acct, found my sketchbooks from high school and dug up my old music. doing all of this, including doing a lot of research on my old icon gerard way, watching life on the murder scene and crying because ive been there, and seeing frank iero live, has (as ridiculous as it may sound to most that someone you look up to can be a saving force) made me consider getting clean for 2020. for real this time.

sometimes i miss her. the sadia goth everyine loved and looked up to. i lost a lot of friends when i got sober and even more followers. thats not important in the grand scheme of things, it was an empty sense of validation for me. whats truly important is that im not her anymore. im me. addiction prone, mentally ill, over medicated, lonely, sad, artistic, gives no shits, emo trash, goth icon, uses way too many gerard way references, astrology loving, empathetic to a fault, me.

i know that this is something im going to struggle with for the rest of my life, but i really want to go forward knowing that im trying my hardest and giving it my best shot. this is possibly my hardest feat, my biggest challenge in life, but im trynna make it and ill sure as fuck never let it take me alive.

xoxo,

-sandia goth

(alondra)