#love my evil wife and my shark girlfriend

[itsmewillful]

I will Always Find You

Main Masterlist

Character Masterlist:

(Vox x fem!reader)

Word Count: 5782 (i got too carried away)

Outline: You, the wife of the infamous media overlord Vox, falls from Heaven and you find yourself in a chaotic new world. You meet the Hazbin Hotel crew, but most of all, you met him. Your long lost love.

Warning(s): Canon typical violence, language, etcetera.

A/N: Heyy guys, I totally was not gone for an entire year. . .but, I'm done with High School now so I will probably start posting a little bit more often. . .*no promises though. my memory is absolute garbage*

Also, why am I obsessed with a TV?

Story below the cut:

Heaven.

The place all virtuous and 'perfect' people ascend to after living the life every good person is meant.

You don't even know how you got here. You always thought that you would go to Hell. (Not to put it lightly) Perhaps it was because you were widowed at a rather young age. Perhaps it was because you were murdered by your late husband's arch rival. Or maybe, it was a bit of all.

Your life on earth wasn't bad per se. In fact, you had a very happy life. You got married at the fruitful age of 20, to your best friend, and lived in a very comfortable home. Your husband, Vincent Holland, was a big-time news reporter in your hometown.

But, why was it in Heaven that almost all your memories regarding Vincent were blurry? As if someone with significant power was preventing you from reminiscing on your past life?

You could barely remember his face; his award winning smile. His sapphire blue eyes, and his dark hair.

You hated this.

You couldn't even remember how long ago you died.

Hell, you couldn't even remember how you died. Just that you were murdered one day and your body was left to rot in a random alley.

A hand waving in front of your face interrupted your sad train of thoughts, and your attention immediately shifted back to your friend. Or acquaintance, you weren't exactly sure where your friendship status lay.

"You alright there, partner?"

You sighed slowly and nodded your head in affirmation. You weren't sure if you were doing it to convince them that you were okay, or yourself.

"I'm alright, Kai, just a bit tired ," you mumbled pathetically. Kai was a very beautiful shark-like angel. You met them some time ago and instantly clicked with one another. But, Kai was one of those people that had a tendency of gossiping with their girlfriend Molly. And you were never comfortable sharing anything beyond your life in Heaven.

Which was a pity because you were sure if you shared it, you wouldn't feel so fucking stressed out.

The shark angel let out a small laugh and gently patted your head.

"Sure, sure. Whatever you say m'lady. You know if there's anything bothering you, you could always talk to me or Molly, right?"

You again nodded your head, even though you probably would never take up the offer.

"Hey you guys! How are you both doing?"

Speak of the devil and he shalt appear.

"Hey Molly! I see you're finally off of work?"

"Yup! And I brought a treat for you both!" Molly said in a sing-song tone of voice. Kai smiled with a nearly evil-like grin and made grabby hands at their girlfriend.

"Gimme, I can smell the baked goods!"

You chuckled at Kai's antics and stood up from the chair you were sitting in. Kai raised a brow at you and you motioned with your hand that you were going to get another drink. You picked up your now empty whisky bottle and began to head over to the bar where you and Kai find yourselves frequently whenever you both have had a long day at work.

The bartender, Mr Smiles (as Molly so lovingly named him) greeted you with a very drunken smirk when you arrived at your favourite destination.

"Hello there, Mrs. Holland. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

You rolled your eyes and sat down on one of the barstools, placing your cup down and sliding it over to the bartender.

"Another, please." you said simply. Mr. Smiles blinked at you before grabbing your cup and pouring more of the golden liquid into it.

"The 'Another' for the lady." he said cheekily, to which you giggled. You snatched the cup up from the table and practically downed the strong liquid and forced back a gag when it burned your throat. The bartender chuckled at your silliness and leaned over the bar so you could hear each other better over the loud chatter of the Cloud Nine bar. (You and Kai always found the name of the bar to be hilarious)

"So, you never drink this much unless you have something to spill. Need to talk about something sweetheart?" he asked with a patient tone of voice.

You sighed dramatically and leaned back against your chair, deep in thought.

"I just. . ." you trailed off in thought before sighing again in annoyance at your capability of explaining your biggest problem.

"You just?" he tried to urge you to continue, but was rudely interrupted when a flock of angels came bursting into the room.

"His Holiness, Archangel Michael needs to discuss important matters in Town Square. Everyone present is required to make an audience immediately."

Murmurs began to fill the room in confusion of the sudden announcement. You raised your brow at the bartender, quietly asking him if he knew what all the commotion was about. He shrugged before continuing on with putting the remaining glasses away.

"Hey, partner, we need to head out to Town Square." Kai said, putting a webbed hand onto your shoulder. You nodded and stood up, following close behind your two buddies. Molly, like always, had a small hop to her step as if she was always happy and excited about things. Her partner smiled at her giddiness and soon began to also skip along with her.

Oh, how much you missed being able to have someone to be close with. And once again, your thoughts began to turn back to your late husband, Vincent.

You missed him so much.

And you were fully aware that your beloved Vincent was in Hell. The place you were also sure to go to when you kicked the bucket. But alas, here you are, in the city of silver and gold.

You stopped abruptly when you reached Town Square and noticed how big of a crowd was already there. Thousands of angels and souls alike, all stood cramped up around a huge balcony that belonged to Archangel Palace.

The chatter began to quiet down when the all-loved Archangel Michael stepped up to the balcony and waved to the crowd to silence their speech.

Kai bent over to you and whispered about how interesting things were going to get. You didn't respond, but instead gasped when a photo got projected onto the side of one of the Palace's huge spires. It was a really bloody scene: demonic-like creatures were sprawled all over the ground, torn to shreds from what you could tell. What made you feel faint, however, was the carcuses of angels. What the fuck were angels doing in Hell?

It seemed that a lot of other people were questioning the same exact thing, and Michael, once again announced order from the crowd and the only sound remaining were the hushed whispers.

"It has come to my knowledge that a secret organisation has been founded without my permission. Adam, the first man, and Sera, have been discovered sending down angels every year to kill them." He stopped mid explanation and waved his hand over to an angel that stood close to him. A scroll was placed into Michael's hands, and he unscrolled it and began to read whatever was written onto it.

"According to the words of Sera: Hell has become too overpopulated, and a risk of war could arise. Exterminations have been a necessity, and is, therefore required to keep balance between Good, and Evil." Michael immediately crumpled up the scroll, and threw it back at the poor angel that was beside him to catch.

"This is all tyranny, of course. Me and the Council did not agree to such lunacy, which is why, we are going to have a public vote as to whether or not Sera should be ex-communicated from Heaven."

A loud gasp came from the crowd.

Especially from Molly, who also seemed to begin to tear up.

"That means she'll be thrown to Hell!" she choked back a sob in surprise. Kai patted their girlfriends back to try and sooth her large and soft heart.

You, however, were enraged from the idea of angels going down and killing people. Your beloved Vincent was down there. What if he was killed?!

And like always, your spiral of thoughts was interrupted when Michael began to speak again.

"Just to be absolutely clear, this is never to be discussed with anyone ever again. After the vote is casted, anyone caught discussing this topic will immediately be casted from Paradise, and into the pits of Hell for treachery. I cannot be clear enough."

Murmurs filled the Square as everyone agreed to Michael's proposal.

"Great! Well, everyone better head off to vote now! Have a great day everyone." And like that, he vanished in a cloud of golden smoke.

You didn't realise your jaw was hanging open until Kai mentioned that you looked like a venus-fly trap waiting for a bug to land in your mouth. You clamped it shut instantly and glared at them.

"Chill! It was just supposed to be a joke!" They huffed in faux offence. Molly giggled at her partner's antics, and gently rubbed her fingers in between Kai's fins that decorated their body.

"Calm down, love. We need to head to a voting booth so we can cast votes. I know what I'm voting for."

"Yeah, I can't believe such a thing was happening behind our backs! Who knows how long it has been going on?"

Molly sighed and rubbed her fuzzy face for comfort.

"I don't know, but I hope it wasn't for too long. I believe some of my family is down there."

"Yikes, that's tough. I'm sorry for that." Kai said with sympathy laced in their voice.

You blinked back tears that were forming in your eyes. You would not cry over the possibility that your Vincent was double-dead.

You were strong.

+++

You sighed heavily when you arrived at your small apartment later that evening.

"What a rotten day," you mumbled to yourself. As if on command, your pet land-shark Vark came running into the foyer. You smiled instantly and picked up the little creature and began to pet him between his eyes.

You and Vincent loved sharks. It was a shared passion you both had that made you best friends instantly. When you first got married, you both always joked of getting a shark and naming it Vark.

Well, you had the shark, just not Vincent.

You were thinking about him again, and it was making you feel bad once more.

Why couldn't you remember some things? Who or what was making you forget?

You placed Vark back onto the ground, who of course, whined with the lack of affection from your part. You stepped over the land-shark and headed over to your balcony, that had a perfect view of the Embassy of Heaven. The place you go to whenever you have questions regarding the after-life and anything else.

Maybe there you would find answers.

With a new destination in mind, you grabbed Vark's leash and hooked him up to it. Vark began to wag his tail (well, his fin) in excitement about where you would be taking him. You smiled again at your pet's adorable-ness and began to head back outside once more.

The streets of Heaven were very peaceful. Just about no soul was out and about. It made sense since it was rather late. Around eleven o'clock actually.

Soon, the golden pillars of the Embassy came into view, and you let out a sigh when you realised it was still open. You approached the heavy double doors and swallowed back a scream when they opened up automatically. Vark found it hilarious however, when you just about died a second time from a mini heart attack.

You huffed at your shark and headed inside the golden-themed building and found that it was practically empty. I mean-duh it was empty, it was basically in the middle of the night.

A Cherub, from the looks of it, approached you and gave you a rather judgmental look over.

"Honey, I'm sorry to say this but no pets are allowed." the Cherub said with an irritating tone of voice.

You stared at the flying goat-creature and rolled your eyes.

"Vark, is a service pet. I am afraid you can't throw him out." you lied with a fake smile. One thing that Vincent taught you to do well, was fake things. You were especially good at putting on a fake show. One of the things that, once again, surprised you that Heaven looked over.

Wasn't lying a big sin?

The Cherub interrupted your thoughts when she cleared her throat rather obnoxiously.

"Alright honey. Whatever you say. To what do I owe the pleasure of assisting you with this evening?"

"Oh, well. . .I am not so sure how to explain it." you answered truthfully; slightly cringing at your lack of effort of just telling her.

The Cherub pulled out a clipboard from thin air you assumed (since she most certainly wasn't holding one earlier) and began to scribble something onto it.

"Well, Mr. Heart will be able to assist you with whatever, 'complicated' issue you have got going on." She handed you a piece of paper that had practically illegible handwriting on it, and pointed to a corridor that led to a couple of office rooms.

"Hope you find what you need, honey. Good night." and like that, she sauntered off to what you assumed to be her office. What a weird person, you thought with a click of your tongue.

You began your tread to Mr. Heart's office, and stopped when you reached the door. You lifted your hand to knock but stopped when the door was flung open and a rather energetic angel stepped out of the room.

"Hey there! You must be one of the 'poor souls' Chili sent to me! Come on in!" he moved aside and held a hand out for you to shake, to which he practically tore off yours when he shook it rather rigorously.

"The name is Heart! What's yours m'lady?"

You mumbled your name back and he let out a very loud laugh.

"Why, Mrs. Holland! Quite the pleasure to be meeting you!" 

You nodded your head and held back a gasp when he pulled you by the hand into the office.

"So, tell me what has troubled you enough to venture here so late in the night?"

You opened your mouth to begin speaking, but clamped it down when you couldn't find the right words to say. Damn it, you were nervous. You couldn't, however, pinpoint if it was from the very very close proximity of the Angel, or the lack of knowledge of how to explain your memories being jumbled up.

You could begin by telling the angel to take a few hundred steps back.

"Sorry, but um, could you step back a bit?" You asked with a shaky breath. The Angel smiled with pearly white teeth, but didn't seem to move an inch.

"I can't hear you clearly if I am too far back. It is best if I stay here." He said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. (or Heaven)

You nodded, even though you doubt that was the truth. You mentally noted to never come back here again once you're down getting some answers.

"So, I have a question." You began.

"Everyone that comes here has questions. But I can't exactly be sure that your question is legal to answer or not."

Your eyes widened in curiosity. Some questions could be illegal to ask? Flashbacks from today's event clouded your thoughts, but you immediately shook them away. A traitor is how you would be viewed if you discussed with anyone about today. And you would be quite foolish to bring it up with an official member of the Council.

"So, you were saying, Mrs. Holland?"

"Why am I not able to remember some things about my life on Earth?" You may as well pull off the bandage and stop dancing around the bush in fear of being judged. Your worries worsened when the Angel's eyes seemed to darken a little.

"Whatever do you mean, darling? What memories?"

"That is the whole point! I know that I can't remember some things! I just don't know what." frustration was very clear in your voice at this point.

Mr. Heart laughed wholeheartedly as if your 'situation' was the funniest thing anyone has ever told him.

"Well my dear, no need to get all fierce with me! I only want to assist you. And it seems that you are treading on very dangerous waters. I would watch out if I were you."

You swear your eyes became fire. How dare he act as if your troubles were something scandalous! Vark began to lick your leg as an attempt to calm you down, which worked for a moment until the 'ever lovable' Mr. Heart reached a hand out and began to rub your shoulders as if he had any right to touch you.

Vark, being the wonderful pet he is, noticed this and bit his leg. The angel howled in pain and kicked your beloved baby and he began to wail in pain. At this point, all you saw was red as you lunged onto the man and began to beat him up with what some people would call a 'mother's fiery.'

Some raised voices from outside of the office eventually joined the chaos of the room, and you were dragged off the very-much battered up Mr. Heart. Well, Mr. Heartless to you.

"Mrs. Holland! How dare you strike a Seraphim! That is considered treachery to the Hierarchy of the Council!" the same Cherub from earlier screeched at you in a high-pitched tone.

"Well I'll be damned! He touched me without consent and kicked my pet! I was defending myself-"

"You lie! One sin after another! How could you!?" you felt yourself being picked up from two service angels, and being dragged to another room, your shark following you right behind.

"Where are you taking me?" You shouted, attempting to pull off the two angels that were holding you roughly.

"We're not taking you anywhere. You are going to be sent somewhere." the Cherub said with a malicious tone of voice. You bit back a sob when the words processed in your head.

They were going to send you to Hell

You eventually approached a door that read 'Employees Only' and met a room that had an arch that took up the entire floor.

The portal to Hell. The place they were going to toss you into for something utterly stupid. How hypocritical of them. Heaven, the place of love and peace? My ass!

The Cherub flew over to a panel on the side of the wall, and loud sirens were heard throughout the room. Hell, you bet the entire 'cloud kingdom' could hear the loud blaring the room was making.

A red coloured portal began to appear on the ground within the structure of the arch. You gulped and felt tears begin to dwell in your eyes.

This was it.

Good-bye Heaven. Good-bye Kai and Molly.

You could hear Vark wailing from the loud noises and you attempted at twisting around to look at him. Your last attempt at begging for your shark's mercy was cut off when you were tossed into the portal.

You fell for a moment.

Then everything went dark.

+++

What awoke you from your 'dreamless sleep' was the feeling of something wet being dragged across your face. You moaned in pain when everything came crashing down on you. Literally.

Your back hurts, your head hurts, hell, even your face hurts.

You opened your eyes and noticed your beloved land-shark was on top of you, licking your face. You didn't feel anything but pure joy at that moment when you realised your shark wasn't going to be left all alone up in Heaven.

"My baby! I thought I wouldn't see you again!" you cried aloud and clutched the shark tightly against your chest. Vark seemed to love the attention and began to get all giddy from your loving embrace.

You pulled away from him after a few minutes, and began to observe the scenery around you. You appeared to be in some sort of alleyway, noting that there was garbage and other things that you didn't care to find out what it was exactly. You stood up slowly, and nearly fell back to the ground when you felt your knees shake.

Damn, you fell hard.

(Not as hard as you fell for Vincent though)

Vark noticed that you were in pain, and began to lick you again as a way of comforting you. You smiled softly and patted his smooth head in reassurance that you would be alright. Vark got the memo, and jumped from your arms. You attempted to stand again, and lent against the wall for support.

"Vark, I need you to do me a small favour." You said with a small voice. Vark wagged his fin and his tongue poked out of his mouth in anticipation for what your next words would be.

"Can you go up ahead and see if there is anyone that can help me? I don't think I'm going to be able to get around."

Vark tilted his head to the side in slight confusion to your words, to which you sighed heavily.

"I'm hurt Vark. I need help." You said a bit more simply. Vark recognised the phrase from when you trained him years ago, and immediately ran around the corner of the alleyway in search of some suitable help.

Who are you kidding? This is Hell. Why would anyone want to help? You sighed and placed your fingers on the bridge of your nose to attempt to relieve some stress that was building up.

What a rotten day.

+++

Minutes turned into hours, and you began to grow weary that something had happened to Vark. That is until you heard the familiar pat pat of Vark's fins.

You looked up from the corner you were hiding in, and noticed a very tall demoness was approaching you with Vark and-was that Molly?

"Oh my gosh! Are you alright?!" The demoness exclaimed with pure worry in her tone. You smiled weakly and shook your head.

"No, I-I'm sorry if I'm a bit of an inconvenience. You see, I was kinda kicked out of Heaven? And I'm injured from falling. . ." You babbled on. Maybe you hit your head harder than you thought.

The demoness held a sympathetic gaze in her eyes, and she looked over to her companion who was observing you as if you were an anomaly.

"Wait, you're from Heaven?"

You nodded your head, and the fellow seemed to get all smiley. Why? Who knows.

"That's crazy toots! Ya know, my sister is up there, I wonder if you eveh got to meet 'er."

You shrugged nonchalantly.

"I didn't meet much folk up there. I'm not much for socialising."

The spider-like dude nodded his head in understanding.

"'Tis fine, we are all different. Anyway, the name is Angel Dust, and this is her majesty Charlie." He pointed to himself then waved one of his other arms to the blonde demoness, who you now know as Charlie.

She was beaming with complete and utter joy. Why do they both smile so much when they are in the fiery pits of inferno?

"You need to come back with us and tell us EVERYTHING! You could be so helpful for my hotel!" Charlie began, but then immediately stopped once she noticed you were very much lost.

"I'm so sorry for being so direct with you! I'm Charlie, as Angel said. I should've asked if you wanted our help first. I mean, of course you want my help! I mean, do you?" She awkwardly trailed off when she noticed that you were staring at her as if she had grown another head.

Hotel? What does she mean by that?

"What she is trying to ask is if you needed a place to stay?" Angel asked, brushing his hands through his hair (was it hair?) and smoothing it over. His hair (it was definitely not hair but you didn't know what else to call it.) reminded you of Molly, and your heart ached at the thought of Kai and Molly going to your apartment and not finding you there.

You felt tears welled up in your eyes, but you tried hard to not look like you were about to burst into a puddle of sadness and utter hopelessness.

Charlie noticed this, however, and she crouched down to your height and engulfed you with the warmest hug you've ever received in a long time. You felt the dam break, and immediately you began to sob. At this point, you don't even know what you are crying over.

Maybe it's for everything that has happened over the past-decade?

Decades?

You were not entirely sure at this point honestly.

You both eventually entangled each other from the hug, and she offered you a hand to help you up. You took it gratefully, and stood up slowly to prevent yourself from falling back over. Charlie smiled at you softly, to which you grinned back.

"Alright now, are we headin’' back to the Hotel?" Angel asked with a hint of impatience in his voice. Charlie nodded her head, but looked back at you to make sure that is what you wanted. You properly smiled that time, and they both took the answer as 'yes'.

+++

The hotel was nothing like how you imagined. You learned on the trip there that the hotel was a place where sinners dwelled to try and redeem themselves to earn salvation.

That was the most wholesome thing you thought you would ever hear in Hell. There's hope for you yet.

You were currently in the lounge of the hotel, where a lot of 'group activities' took place on a daily basis. You and Vark were on top of a very comfortable couch that was tucked away in a corner. You were honestly so comfy, that you felt yourself dozing off. Until you heard a voice that made you want to rip your ears off.

"Why, hello! I didn't know our beloved Charlie had once again found another unfortunate soul to try out her silly project!"

The man's voice sounded muffled, almost as if he was speaking through some sort of antique microphone from ages ago. You made eye-contact with the looming figure, and noticed he reassembled a deer in a strange and unique way.

Who the Hell was this man? And why is he so-red?

As if he could read your mind, he shoved his hand in your face to shake and practically announced to the hotel who he was.

"The name is Alastor! Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel!" You smile you returned was weak but you still shook his hand, and sighed when you realised he wasn't about to break your hand like the other guy. Mr. Heart or whatever his name was.

That stupid prick. You were mad at him again.

"No need to frown, dear! Smile some more! You're never fully dressed without one!"

This Alastor was starting to get on your nerves. And he seemed to be a staff member of the place, which only meant you would be seeing him a lot. That is if you stayed. Also, his own smile was slightly unnerving. . .not to mention kind of creepy.

"Alastor! Leave the poor girl alone." you heard Charlie call from another part of the lounge. Alastor rolled his eyes before he turned hot on his heels to argue back that he was simply 'introducing' himself.

Whatever, you didn't really care.

You stood up from the couch, Vark following closely, and began to sneak away from the chaos of the Hotel. You eventually found yourself on the sidewalks of the busy street of some part of town.

One thing you noted was how many bright neon lights decorated the sides of buildings and billboards. Vark seemed to be lost in the flashing colours and noises of the advertisements playing on TV's.

There were so many TV's. Which triggered a long lost memory that you never remembered from your time in Heaven.

It was a year or so after you and Vincent got married. He had just landed a job as a news reporter for a small company that was local to your hometown. You were aware that he loved all the new technology that was being released too quickly to follow up on. But you never expected him to one day bring back an extremely expensive TV for your living room.

"Vincent! What on Earth did you get this time?"

He rolled his eyes and rolled a portable box TV into the kitchen for you to examine.

"I got us a TV. It's especially for you so you can watch me when I'm on the afternoon news." He said with a cheeky smile. You chuckled at his antics and headed over to him to give him a hug.

"You're such an attention seeker, and you're also adorable."

He only laughed at that, and hugged you back just as tightly as you.

"Only for you doll, only for you."

The memory faded, and it left you standing idiotically in the middle of the sidewalk. That was new, and not to mention, so heartwarming.

You missed Vincent. A lot. And you were aware you kept thinking about him. Must be because your memories are no longer blocked.

Vark began to bark at an advertisement when you noticed a man with a TV for a head appeared on one of the TV's close to you. He was talking about some sort of security system, but you didn't care. What you did care about was how familiar his grin was to you.

That wasn't a coincidence, was it?

Vark distracted you from your thoughts when he began to run away when the scent of seafood wafted through the air. You out called after him and began to spring after the shark.

How does an animal run so fast with fins?

You once again got lost in your thoughts and didn't notice that you and your runaway shark were headed towards a huge crowd that was forming in front of a building nearby. Vark, being so small, ran in between the demons of all sizes and continued on his way. You were about to do the same until you ran into someone and knocked yourself and the stranger down.

"Woah! Careful where you're running off to!"

"I am so sorry!" You squealed when you realised that you had unintentionally caused a scene. You had landed completely on top of a random person; in front of a huge crowd; and it was the same man with the TV head.

Ah, what luck you had. Your thoughts were cut off when the TV headed man began to look you up and down, which made you very...uncomfortable? But his gaze felt familiar, as if instinct was telling you you knew this strange man.

"I feel like I've seen you before, do I know you?" He began, but you cut him off when you scrambled to your feet when you noticed Vark returned to you with some fish in his mouth. Or what you assumed was fish.

"Vark! You are in so much trouble!" You announced, bending over to pick up the mischievous land-shark that has caused oh-so-many problems with you today.

You heard people around you murmur, to which you raised your brow to, but decided to ignore. You turned back around to again apologise to the man you so rudely knocked over, but found him staring at you as if you had hung the stars in the sky.

What was his deal?

You heard him mumble your name, which definitely made you jump a bit.

"What was that?"

He rushed over to you instantly and immediately grabbed your arm and pulled you into the building the crowd was forming around, completely ignoring all the commotion that began to arise outside.

You both eventually reached a secluded corridor, and you found yourself standing in close proximity with the man.

Who even is he? And what the fuck gave him the right to drag you around like a doll?

He called your name again, and you felt his hands gently cup your cheeks. You met his artificial gaze, and you all but gasped when it all finally clicked.

Vincent Holland. Your long lost and beloved husband.

"V-Vincent?" You stammered, completely bewildered that you had somehow found him in a city with millions of people. Maybe luck was truly on your side finally.

"H-how?" You started, but got cut off when a pair of digital lips met yours in a sweet kiss. Your eyes widened in shock: you were kissing a TV. But this was also your husband. (Who had a screen for a head somehow…)

You closed your eyes and wrapped your arms around his neck and deepened the kiss, humming softly when he began to bite and suck at your lips. You pulled away, however, when Vark began to cry from the lack of your attention.

"Vark! Stop it!" you scolded him. Vincent chuckled at the interaction to which you raised a brow.

"What's so funny?"

"Oh nothing. I also have a land-shark named Vark." he stated as if it were the most obvious thing. Your eyes widened in disbelief.

"Are you being serious?"

"Yes, doll. I got him as soon as I found out you could have one. And I named him Vark because, well, we always joked about it."

You smiled so sweetly at this. You and Vincent coincidently having a pet shark and naming them the same was just too heartwarming to you. You pulled him back into another kiss, to which Vincent welcomed whole-heartedly.

You pulled away after a minute when your lungs burned for air, and noticed Vincent was staring at you adoringly.

"What is it?" You asked.

"I thought I would never see you again. You don't know how much I've missed you. I looked for you everywhere as soon as I was able to to it safely. Even though it didn't happen as fast as I wanted, I knew I would always find you." he whispered. He kissed your head gently, which you leaned into slightly.

You felt your heart ache a little, when you realised that he probably didn't get to live in an oblivious bliss to your absence. A perk of living in Heaven, you supposed, was the lack of memory of anything that could make you wish the fiery pits of Inferno.

"Me too Vincent, me too. I'm so glad that I found you again." you placed your forehead against his (screen), and shared a loving embrace.

You and your beloved Vincent, was once again, united. 

i finally looked over it, and part one of the prologue is up. if there is any mistakes i didnt catch, feel free to let me know!

also, i love vark. he carries this story ngl.

But I still will because this story felt very. . .rushed. even though it's so DAMN LONG HOLY SHIT.

-will

[insufferableprotagonistpoll]

Round 1

Propaganda why Oscar is insufferable:

"“I want to be famous!” Ok, what for? “Whatever means I don’t have to work.”"

"Selfish, shallow, vain, materialistic, reckless, irresponsible, etc. Doesn't even have an aesthetically pleasing design, he's horrible to look at (like every other character in the movie tbf) so bro has literally 0 redeeming qualities. That one shrimp with the ridiculous sob story should have been the protag instead"

"His entire personality revolves around being shallow and selfish, to the point he sees no issue with lying for his own material gain, in the process shamelessly screwing over his best friend/future girlfriend -- she gave him her grandmother's valuable precious pearl to pay off his debts and get out of trouble, because she cares about him, and instead he fucking gambled it all on a horse race on impulse because he overheard some rando saying the race was rigged and guaranteed to win (surprise, it wasn't). Never really faces appropriate consequences for any of his actions. Gets an undeserved happy ending to top it all off, when really he deserves to suffer a little and learn a lesson.

Also has one of the ugliest anthro-animal designs I've ever seen so he's insufferable to even LOOK at, jesus christ."

Propaganda why Brambleclaw is insufferable:

"(Limiting my critiques to the books he is a point-of-view in, but you should know there's so much more besides this lmao.) He and his brother Hawkfrost train in Cat Hell with the ghost of their dead supervillain father every night, and he knows it's wrong, but he lies to his love interest Squirrelflight and everyone else about it, even directly acknowledging multiple times that he can't let Squirrelflight find out because she wouldn't want to be close with him if she knew. Despite that, the narrative never calls out how wrong that is, and he never comes clean about it. In fact, he gaslights Squirrelflight in the most literal sense of the term: she correctly suspects Hawkfrost is evil based on his actions, and Brambleclaw, despite knowing Hawkfrost is indeed evil, accuses her of hating him just based on his parentage (you know, the same evil parent he spends every night secretly chumming it up with) making her out to be unreasonable even though he KNOWS she's right. Hawkfrost eventually semi-kills Squirrelflight's father, and Brambleclaw kills Hawkfrost in retaliation, but he STILL does not apologize for his own actions or admit his own involvement, let alone face consequences, EVER. The narrative actually REWARDS him with the exact same position of power he had been wanting for several books and colluding with Hawkfrost and Evil Dad to get. This is only made worse later on when Brambleclaw spends a whole book stewing over how Squirrelflight lied to him (about something objectively less bad, that their children were secretly adopted rather than biologically theirs, which she was still punished for severely) and flirting with another female character who was introduced exclusively for that book to make Squirrelflight jealous. Said character leaves forever at the end of the book and Brambleclaw gets back together with Squirrelflight and says he forgives her... still no mention of how he screwed her over far worse and never admitted to it, let alone apologized for it. Fuck this guy, if he were a human he'd probably make Facebook boomer memes about marriage being a ball-and-chain and women being crazy nags."

"Brambleclaw is $h!tty towards his girlfriend Squirrelflight because she believes that his half-brother, Hawkfrost, isn’t a good cat even though she’s right about that and Brambleclaw went against his character development of wanting to be nothing like his murderous father, Tigerstar, by training with him along with his half-brother in kitty cat hell."

"He's rude and whiny, his first book as a protagonist has him trying to train the she-cat that would become his wife in fighting and he just doesn't have a single nice thing to say about her. He's the narratives specialest little boy and from what ive seen almost everyone in the WC fandom hates that guy."

"basically the authors forgot everything that was previously established about him except for "his father was the previous bad guy", so he goes from "i will never be like my father" to "maybe the racist fascist dictator who abandoned half his kids wasn't so bad after all". and then there's his relationship with Squirrelflight, which i'm sure other submitters have gone in detail about..."

[violet-is-under-ur-bed1]

intro -_-

INTRODUCTION!!!! :3

Hello!!! I'm Z but I go by other names like violet, Vicky, V, Oli, or axel! :3. My pronouns are they/them!!

I'm lesbian, demigirl, and aroace -_- and extremely sleep deprived!!

THINGS I < 3!!

•Mcr, ptv, sws, p!atd, cobra starship, underoath, all time low, we the kings, s3rl, the academy is.., cute is what we aim for (+ more)

•creepypasta (hyperfixation)

•ouran host club

•mlp 2010!!

•animal jam

•msp / Webkinz

• bugs

•invader zim

•ryan ross (me)

•Patrick stump

•pete wentz

•vic fuen(tits)

•tony perry

•gerard way (my girlfriend💗💗💗)

•ray toro (me)

•mikey way and frank iero (my wife's)

• resident evil games !! :P

•scott pilgrim

•wattpad, reddit, ao3, tumblr addict

•twilight / vampire diaries

•skeleanimals

•weird mustache obsession

•random 2000s enthusiast

•sharks

•toki doki

• Twilight & Fluttershy (+ pinkie pie) luver

• batman

•pokemon

•i shit myself so hard whenever I see smut (no hate to people who read smut💗)

•monster high

•a literal fashionista

•Comics! (I luv DC)

•My littlest pet shop

•i love head cannons 💗💗 (there so funny for no reason?!??)

•Im pretty quiet in general but when you get to know me I literally won't shut up

•i love horror movies (sci-fi, but not originals idk how to feel abt them yet)

• leon, carlos, claire, and Chris are my fav characters!

• i love video games (all i talk about)

• micheal cera

YOUTUBERS

•Kurtis Conner

•nickisnotgreen

•drew gooden

•Jarvis Johnson

•RAVON and LARRAY

•courtreezy

•izzzyzzz

•film cooper

•Chad Chad

•Sinjin drowning

•Jake Webber

•Johnnie Guilbert

•funkyfrogbait

•vereena

•dorisxchi

•slushynoobz

•flamingo

•Jordan Adika

•Martin

•Jenny Nicholson

DNI!😡😡💪💪🔥💯‼️

•Dream smp (dream pls dont touch me)

•pedos (🔞DONT TOUCH ME IM A MINOR🔞)

•Pro Shippers (some of you are okay but half of you ship minors and adults togethe and incest?!? EWW!!!)

Socials!!! :D

•reddit: nyancathybrid

•discord: i_am_the_2nd_kurtis_fan6743

•wattpad: Nyancat1234355445

•tiktok: violetmustdiex_x | alt: fartpro230

•roblox: Rottonfinger

•spacehey: https://spacehey.com/profile?id= 1903654

urm.. anygay..

Q/A common questions!!

*"What's your favorite color?"* turquoise (Nuh uh)

*"What's your favorite drink and food?"* blood im a vampire

*"what is your favorite band?"* mcr😈😈🍆🙏💯‼️

*"What is your favorite type of flower?*" daises

*"If you could marry anyone you want, who would it be?"* urm no I have my pookies (clarie redfield and nina the killer)

*"What is your hair color?"* brown but I would like to dye it black and turquoise (nuh uh)

[zalisok]

TUA Season 4 Episode 3

Time for episode 3. Spoilers ahead, and let's go!

HUGE SQUID

what. is that. "what the fuck" is right, miss reporter lady

omg REGGIE

"once you get to the top, it's always a sex cult" DIEGO

allison and klaus :(

klaus go OFF

ray walked out??????? why would ray walk out???

:((((((((klaus:(((((((((allison

oh and klaus left. is it side plot time?

ben your hand oh no

talk to dAd (various annoyed sounds)

oh they're splitting up. that's never good.

liTtLe gReEk gUy

diego and lila :(((( they really, really have to communicate

NO MORE BABY SHARK

jesus christ ben's arm looks like a volcano eruption they did not hold back on the gore this season did they

why is there a llama???????????

JEAN AND GENE (we'll let you decide which one of us is dominant and which one of us is recessive) why did that actually make me laugh my sense of humor is broken

jennifer what's happening? what happened between ben and jennifer??

alpaca milk

wanda

wait did i miss something or how did five, lila and diego know how to get to jean and gene's house? did they track their car via the phone call five made?

so five can only blink to the subway?

five and lila sheninigans let's go (this is not going to end well...)

klaus?....klaus?...klaus what are you doing...?

klaus and claire :((oh no:(

yes diego flaunt those recon skills

oh shit the apocalypse

there are two fives now. a ten. and five doesn't seem affected by the apocalpyse at all?

the split screens woah

who is sy?? how does he know so much??

do jennifer and ben have a telepathic connection now?? what is that volcano liquid thing???

so jene and gene are professors (physics professors? or philosophy of physics professors? either way), and they want to restore the true timeline and bring about "The Cleanse"? their main grudge was that their reputations were being dragged through the mud, but what would bringing about "the cleanse" do to help that? (and what is the cLEANSE?)

squid???? what is it with tua and locking people up in places with their central trauma?

family newsletter??

aw viktor. truly daddy issues!daddyissues!

"the last time you talked to dad he murdered you" she's not wrong, luther

???why are the people so...nice???

viktor's theme playing????

what is happening???

"it's kind of a love-hate thing for me" aww :(

i love how everyone's so confused because...i am too??

oh klaus is LEVITATING

"i thought you were dead, but turns out you can float" sums it up quite well

oh my god klaus ????

REGINALD REGINALD REGINALD

"guess we know who wears the monocle in this relationship" ALLISON

i love how reginald and his wife? girlfriend? partner? are so loving and allison's like "????"

they don't know how ben died...

their memories? are missing?

"that said, it does sound like something i might do" why is he so evil...but somehow unintentionally funny

but doesn't sparrow ben remember jennifer? isn't this ben sparrow ben? or did the reset also mess with his memories??

ough the tentacles are helping ben walk

jean and gene's dancing is so delightful

oh ben's pissed

the change in tone was a bit unsettling

i don't trust reginald. the machine is kind of cool though.

viktor...not a good idea...don't do it....

"i'm sorry i lied about book club" aw

wait what???lila??

ok the machine is kind of scary.

what does that MEAN

i am so confused. but intrigued. (i've said that many times but it still holds true) need to watch the next episode.

[monstermaster13]

Transformation Hot Takes:

- Stereotypical toon tfs, not my thing, but actual cartoon character tfs, yes please.

- Mascot tfs into a generic mascot you just made up instead of existing ones..okay, but I prefer actual existing mascot character tfs, and by that mean I don't mean acting like mascots are sentient beings, that being sad...Pepsiman and The Noid should NEVER be used for TFs ever again because who wants to be those characters.

- Am I the only one who thinks that otaku/fat nerd transformations are offensive? I have an OC who is an overweight character and he very much thinks that the stereotypes associated with nerds and with overweight characters are offensive when it comes to transformations like this. Yeah, make as many whiny social media posts about me as you want, I just don't think a were-otaku who is fat and is bad at sex despite being so horny all the time is a good werecreature to have. Look, not all nerds are fat. And since when were nerds bad in the love-making department? I mean Sheldon Cooper has a girlfriend, Egon Spengler got himself a wife and has a daughter and two grandkids, and Ray got banged by a ghost, in a dream but still...he got to make out with a ghost. And if the AoE every turns people into bad cosplayers of husbandos for the were-otaku to lust over or into toys to be put into the 'love ooze' jar, no thank you.

- Why are suiting tfs even a thing, it's not a transformation, it's just sticking some person in a suit?

- Drones are disgusting and creepy in my opinion. Look I have nothing against robot tfs except when it's one that fetishes turning someone into a robot, nobody had their sexual awakening to Vera Webster in Superman III, so why act like it's hot to be a robot?

- I don't mind dark tfs but I really don't like animal transformations where the victim is unable to talk or think like a human. Also seeing good characters get corrupted is always going to make me feel uncomfortable.

- Bears make for a boring transformation subject. I mean in actuality all bears just eat and sleep, it is no different than being a house-cat or a sloth. I mean you might as well go for a sloth. But if you want an animal that sleeps a lot, you could have just gotten a koala instead since koalas are rarely used.

- The only inanimate transformations that i'd ever deem acceptable are living versions of Spirit Halloween, Transworld and Gemmy animatronics.

- Bimbofication is not my thing and never was.

- Transfurs and protogens are overrated, there I said it.

- Real person transformations are not evil/terrible/bad.

- Why is the kangaroo the go to marsupial transformation when the koala, bandicoot and wombat are right there?

- I don't mind character tfs into a character the artist/writer likes...however, I could do without the needlessly grim and dark tfs that try to emulate David Cronenberg especially if it's just a humanoid character they are turning into and could do without mind change.

- There are fish species besides sharks. Sharks are not as scary/badass as the media depicts them, try some tetras, or a blobfish, or an anglerfish, or even a piranha, or a stargazer.

- No matter how much creepy body horror you put into it...a clown tf is just a tf into another human being, stop treating them like a species. And also shouldn't be a thing.

- I have nothing against weight gain in transformations as long as it makes sense for a character/form to be that size, the person is happy, and if it's not overly fetishistic, often it falls into the fat fetishism category and it is treated like it's 'aspirational' to be overweight when it's actually not, stop objectifying overweight people and patronizing them, they aren't your object of desire. You know, when I do my Aykroyd transformations it's a joke in the stories that the were-aykroyd form is appealing to both men and women, and my characters is sometimes attracted to his were-aykroyd form, and it isn't because he's thicc in that form, it's because his charm is increased in that form, heck the dum dum were-aykroyd tfs are PARODIES of those fat fetish weight gain stories because dum dum were-aykroyds are considered a JOKE species of were-aykroyd in his main universe.

- Horror movie character transformations are rare and should be done more often.

- Cow transformations get a bad reputation because of the flatulence and fecal matter aspects that somehow always get shoved in.

[deafsignifcantother]

masterlist

these all have a deaf s/o

requests will forever be open plz request

tag "no dialogue" is for other peoples stories that i reblog which are not deaf s/o but can be read as so

other tag is "if music be the food of love" for the hazbin series

♥ = over 500 notes

✯ = my favorites

slashers

brahms: watching the leaves fall with brahms heelshire | 900

brahms: brahms heelshire's new deaf caregiver | 600

billy lenz: billy lenz spending his first valentines day with his deaf girlfriend | 1k

billy lenz: billy lenz falling for his deaf victim | 600

billy lenz headcanons: billy lenz learning words in asl | 300

billy lenz: winning you a teddy bear | 300

✯ asa: how asa communicates with his deaf s/o | 600

asa headcanons: relationship headcanons with asa emory | 500

✯ asa: fruit fly | 1.4k

✯ asa: me and my husband | 1.9k

vincent: vincent sinclair making you teach him asl | 800

vincent: vincent sinclair deciding not to kill you because you are deaf | 900

bo headcanons: trying to communicate with bo | 500

✯ bo: my name is mud | 1k

bo: taking care of bo sinclair | 800

bo x male reader: wife | 1.5k

michael: michael myers admiring you from afar | 400

✯ michael: prompt: picnic | 900

art the clown: too many puppies | 1.2k

billy, asa, vincent, bo, brahms headcanons: hearing your voice for the first time

billy, brahms, michael x male s/o: first kiss with random slashers

♥ bo, vincent, brahms, michael, billy, asa headcanons: random slashers hearing you laugh so hard you wheeze

billy, asa, vincent, and bo headcanons: headcanons with random slashers and a deaf victim

asa: is that enough? (nsfw) | 4.3k

.

marvel

loki: loki meeting a deaf person for the first time | 1.4k

tom hiddleston: what it would be like working with tom hiddleston on set while being deaf | 1k

.

dc

king shark: the mortician and the shark | 400

king shark: rescue mission | 700

king shark: precisely the same | 500

robert dubois: how much you mean to me | 600

joker: no one is to blame | 3.1k

joker: ifhy | 1.3k

.

labyrinth

♥ jareth: being stuck in a castle with jareth for eternity | 800

♥ jareth: what does it take | 1.3k

.

monsters

krampus: in the rain | 800

.

stranger things

eddie: evil woman | 2.1k

eddie: tutoring | 1.3k

eddie: too quiet to be without you | 1.3k

eddie: what it takes to be yours, too | 1.6k

eddie: scream bloody gore | 500

.

hazbin hotel

in case religion makes you uncomfortable: i am actively catholic and it comes out in some of the hazbin fics. i also write most of my hazbin fics either high or drunk but i state that in the notes

valentino: when he's more gentle (nsfw) | 2.5k

✯ alastor: new awlins library | 1.1k

♥ the v's: what they'd do when they see someone taking their s/o hearing aid

alastor: the newest guest | 1.7k

lucifer: the baby | 1.6k

alastor: stardom | 2.8k

alastor: you're gonna need somebody on your bond | 3k

vox: duplicity (nsfw) | 4.2k

angel dust, platonic: sanctum | 2.2k

alastor just being weird | 600

zestial: respect and terror | 4.8k

vox: hound dog | 1.9k

alastor: my husband and i | 1.6k

zestial: candelight | 1.1k

annoying alastor | 600

alastor: if music be the food of love: ♥️✯ chapter one, 2.1k | chapter two, 2.8k | chapter three, 2.4k | chapter four, 2.9k | chapter five, 4.3k | chapter six, 5.8k | chapter seven, 3.3k | chapter eight, 3.7k | chapter nine, 4.1k | chapter ten, 3.3k | chapter eleven, 3.2k | small tidbit (11.5), 600 | chapter twelve, 3.1k

[tsuki-sennin]

Becoming the greatest superhero of all time, Momotani Jirou! Don Dragoku! And Tsubasa focus! This is gonna be a great one, I can tell.

I even cut up a peach for this occasion! How lovely! ...can dogs even eat peaches? I mean, they probably can, but you'd likely have to prepare them in a weird way.

Spoilers, I guess...

-Natsumiho rejection.

-Oh wow, she just straight up vanished.

-OH GOD A JUMPER

-Sononi!

-"Oh, you're their pet dog?"

-"I see..."

-...yeah, she's got a point there.

-:)

-I never could've guessed that this edgy character would have such strong feelings about the power of love.

-A Kana-chan, huh?

-Ohhhhh, he's a Hitotsu-ki!

-Fill his dark soul with liiiiiiiiiiiiight, Tsubasa-san!

-Kanako is Kanagone.

-Yare yare daze...

-Everybody's got love problems, man!

-Dewicious :)

-Ohhhhhh, my man dipped.

-Yeah, you're in the doghouse Makoto.

-...n-no offense, Tsubasa-san.

-I know a guy.

-He monster.

-...oh

-So that's where the Revice budget went <3

-"Oh goddammit, it's you."

-"D o g"

-"I'll beat you up! Or my name isn't Don Goku!"

-"Get a new girlfriend!"

-Oh, you douchebag, you stopped her that quick.

-"Natsumiho!"

-Man, I'm absolutely obsessed with these idiots and their love lives.

-Is this how the moms watching Jetman felt first hand?

-"Wife Guy! It's me, Fugitive Guy!"

-What made you think that was a good look, man?

-HE'S STILL GOING

-Oh my god, he sees his wife everywhere.

-...oh god traffic.

-Whew, that was close. Tsuyoshi almost became Traffic Safety again.

-Ah, he's a theater kid. That explains a whole lot.

-OH GOD CRANE

-THEY ATE THE BIRDS

-Ohhhhhhhhh, that's the Juuto's boss, huh?

-Oh god, he didn't hold out for the whole year, did he?

-That's not good.

-"OH GOD I HAVE TO TELL MY WIFE I LOVE HER"

-Man, that fuckin' pigeon in the background, it's so based.

-Wow, you're a bad boyfriend, man.

-"Kana-chan's the only one for me", yeah I'm sure.

-He free!

-He's really fucking up again.

-Put an end to this charade!

-OH GOD TSUBASA

-OHHHHH THAT'S NOT GOOD

-Run, run, run, run, run, run.

-Go run, man!

-...oh

-Oh, that's creepy.

-Sonoza, I'm already crying. ...not for the reason you think.

-Dog fightin'!

-I see

-Ewwwwww, dog!

-OHHHH SHE'S A HITOTSUKI TOO

-...is that a bird? ...Choujin-ki? In the love triangle episode? With a guy involved in love triangles and a bird ranger?!

-Inoue has gone too far this time!

-Oh my god, Shinichi and Haruka were carrying Tarou.

-...how'd they do that?

-Oh thank god, Tsuyoshi's here.

-Go, bird man! ...or don't, I have fun either way.

-Oh god, Jirou.

-Don Dragoku! Nin-Nin!

-Avataaaaar Change!

-Here's hoping Jirou doesn't have Burai become an ill omen.

-"What the FUCK are you talking about, Dragon Boy?!"

-Robooootaro!

-We did it!

-Lovely weather for the festival!

-Evil Big Bird Lady

-"Goddammit,I'm hiding."

-Oh good, they'e infatuated once again.

-Awaken?

-Murasame?

-Ohhhhhhhh, that's Don Murasame! It's a shark!

-W

-What's with all the toy weapons

-Sonoi!?

-Oh man, Inoue's really got me by the balls, huh?

-Well, tune in next week when I go insane. ...probably for real this time.

[jacobseedvaas35]

Befriended

(Chapter 7: Veterans Centre)

Word Count: 1339

Starting from this chapter we will be starting to welcome a lot of familiar Resistance members. In this chapter we have Eli Palmer, Nick Rye and Wheaty. Also special mentions to Sharks Boshaw and Hurk Jr. as well as John and Joseph Seed

Jacob stood in front of the closed gate of his old Veterans Centre, examining every inch of it. He had missed this place. It was like his home but now this dearest place was going to keep the girl he loves, safe from those evil people that want to hurt her.

Jacob looked back at the Sheriff and smirked, "Thanks Sheriff".

"You're welcome Jacob. Let's go and have a look around. See what needs fixing" the Sheriff said, taking the keys out and unlocking the gates.

"I'm certain the cages are going to need some fixing up and I'll have to go up to check my office out" Jacob said walking through the gates.

"We are going to need a lot of security around here"

"Where are we going to get those security from? There were only peggies around here" Jacob said.

"Jacob, all those people that you hurt, want to help you. Nick Rye, Sharky Boshaw, Hurk Jr, Jerome and even Eli Palmer" Sheriff Whitehorse suggested a few names. "We can get them to take turns to keep an eye on the prisoners, when you're not around. Even Pratt and I will do it too".

"I don't know Sheriff. All those people you've mention, they've gone through so much because of me"

"The past stays in the past Jacob Seed" a voice came from behind.

Jacob turned around and saw Eli, Nick and Wheaty, standing at the entrance of the courtyard, with friendly smiles on their faces.

"So, who are we after?" Eli asked, approaching the sheriff and Jacob.

"My girlfriends ex-fiancé and her parents. They've hurt her a lot in the past and I'm 100% certain they've come back for more" Jacob explained.

"The ex-fiancé came a while back and he has already physically abused my Deputy. If it wasn't for Jacob, he could have killed her" the Sheriff added.

"So we have an abusive ex to deal with? What's the plan?" Nick asked.

"I want to put him and her parents through hell. Teach them a lesson and show that Isabella isn't alone anymore. They came to Hope County thinking they'll get away with it again but not on my watch. It's time someone did something about this" Jacob explained to the four men. "No lady should ever go through something like this. As for her parents, I'm going to make them realise that money doesn't bring happiness".

"What do you have planned for them?" The Sheriff asked.

"From What Bella has told me, her parents were happy for her to get beaten up because at the end of the day, they were getting money from the guy. I'm going to show them that money doesn't bring happiness. I'm going to make Bella the happiest girl on this planet, just to prove to them that she is happier without them and Mark" Jacob explained. "They've lost their daughter and don't have any idea about it. But they'll learn once they start missing out on Isabella's happy days".

"Make them feel guilty?" Eli asked. "I like the plan. What about the ex-fiancé?".

"Well Bella did say she was beaten up by this guy, day and night. I'm going to do the same thing to him" Jacob said, a smirk forming on his face. "I'm going to put him through the same exact pain, he put Bella through. See how he likes it when the tides turn".

"We get to help with the beating up too? Right?" Nick asked. "I've got a wife and kid. I wouldn't let anyone hurt them like that".

"And by the sounds of things, you really love this girl" Eli added.

"She's my whole life. I don't want to lose her or even see her live with fear. I want these people to be afraid of Isabella now" Jacob said and turned around to look at the huge building.

"Well don't you worry Jacob. You've got the whole Hope County behind you and Isabella. We will help you both" Eli said, putting a hand on Jacob's shoulder. "It'll be like the good old times. The only difference is, this time we are on your side pal".

Jacob turned around and looked at Eli, he put his hand on his shoulder and nodded. "Thanks....pal".

“Let's get cleaning" the Sheriff said and all the men followed him into the courtyard.

-

Meanwhile, Isabella was left at home with Deputy Hudson and Deputy Pratt, while Jacob was out. She had no idea where Jacob was but she trusted him. She also knew the Sheriff was with him but they were up to something and Bella was curious to know.

"So the Sheriff hasn't told you both anything?" Bella asked the two Deputies?.

"Not a single thing" Pratt said and looked at Hudson.

"I'm going to call Jacob. He said he would be home before dinner. It's almost 7pm and he hasn't come" Bella said, grabbing her phone and walking into the bedroom.

"Hello" Jacob answered.

"Jacob! Where are you? Do you realise what the time is?"

"Bella calm down. I'm on my way home now" Jacob said, calming her down.

"Can you hurry up please. I need you here"

"I'm ten minutes away. Is Hudson and Pratt still with you?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah but they are getting very tired. That's why you need to come home so these people can go home and get some rest"

"Ten minutes. I promise".

“Okay. See you soon"

"Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you"

Bella smiled and blushed at the same time. "I love you too Jacob".

-

Like Jacob promised, ten minutes after the phone call, he and sheriff arrived home. Isabella opened the door and ran straight into Jacob's arms.

"God, you took your time" Bella said against his chest. She turned her head, putting her ear against his chest and listening to his heart beats but something in the distance frightened her. She started shaking in Jacob's embrace and pulled away from him. Tears already flowing out of her eyes.

"Bella? What's wrong?" Jacob became worried almost immediately.

"It's him" she whispered. "It's Mark. He's over there watching us".

Sheriff Whitehorse, Jacob and the two Deputies all looked in the direction of where Isabella was staring and sure enough, there he was watching all of them behind a tree.

"Hudson, Bella get inside right now" the Sheriff ordered and the two girls complied.

Jacob didn't waste any time and started running towards Mark. The moment he saw Jacob coming, Mark turned around and started running himself. Deputy Pratt and the Sheriff weren't too far off from Jacob.

As the men chased Mark down the street, Bella was back at home having a panic attack. Hudson rushed through the house, looking for something that could help Bella breath. Eventually she found a brown paper bag and rushed back next to Isabella.

"Here Rook. This will help you breath" she said and handed the paper bag over.

Bella immediately started using the bag, until her breathing was back under control. A few breaths later, Bella was able to calm her breathing down but this time, started to cry hysterically.

"He's going to kill me. I know it"

"No he won't Bella. Jacob will kill him first" Hudson said, hugging her friend. "I'm going to call John. He should be here". Hudson took her phone out and dialled her husband's number. "John".

"Dear, where are you?" John asked.

"John, you need to come to Jacob's house right now. It's really bad here and Jacob could do with some support from his baby brother" Hudson suggested.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" John asked.

"Isabella's ex-fiancé is causing really bad problems for Bella. She's terrified. We just saw him spying on us. Jacob, the sheriff and Pratt are chasing him down right now. Bella's having a panic attack. I need you John".

"I've just jumped in the car. Don't leave the house. Lock the doors until Jacob comes back. Do you hear me?"

"Yes. Please hurry John".

[amplesalty]

Christmas 2019: Day 4 - A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (2011)

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Four rounds of sliders!

So, turns out I had the title of this movie wrong, it’s not just A Harold & Kumar Christmas, it’s a 3D Christmas! Which also answers the question of where we go from the second movie, apparently out goes all that racism and in comes just so, so many shots of things flying at the camera.

It’s 2011 by this point, have we not left all this in the past? Hell, they were doing this in House of Wax when I watched that last year and that was back in the 50’s. To their credit, they do poke fun at the whole 3D thing at times, like near the start Harold’s assistant brings in a big ass TV meant as a present for Harold’s father in law. Harold questions if the whole 3D thing hasn’t jumped the shark by now but his assistant disagrees, exclaiming that it’s going to be ‘amazing’ as he points down the camera for emphasis. Harold just dryly asks who he’s looking at.

Harold has been moving up in the world it seems, now a very successful businessman on Wall Street. Unfortunately this comes during the whole ‘Occupy Wallstreet’ movement and the streets outside his office is lined with protesters wanting to eat the rich. Perhaps with a side of eggs which they throw at him by way of the camera lens.

Like a good soldier though, his assistant steps into the line of fire and takes a barrage of eggs to the face. RIP in peace. They have this whole musical sting whilst it’s happening, I feel like this has to be referencing something but I’m not sure what, war movies aren’t my thing.

Harold’s father in law by the way is played by non other than Danny Trejo, which is a rather scary thought. Trying to impress the father in law is bad enough without factoring that into the equation. He’s predisposed to disliking Harold as well given that his mother was killed by a bunch of Korean street thugs when she came over to America.

We learn that in his youth, Mr Perez dreamed of celebrating Christmas with a Christmas tree but would never get his wish. It was only upon reaching America that his mother promised they would have one every year, only for his life to be cut short. That’s why he holds this season and Christmas trees in particular in such high esteem. We also learn that apparently he was born with his moustache, which honestly wouldn’t surprise me with Danny Trejo. Also, someone being viciously murdered by street thugs seems a bit dark for this franchise.

Speaking of facial hair, Kumar is still a layabout bum who got kicked out of medical school for failing a drugs test. I do dig the beard though. Vanessa has left him though and he lives in filth with a neighbor who rents out his bathroom to let homeless people take a shit. So yeah, little bit of a mismatch on how our two heroes lives panned out over the last 7 years. I’m digging the beard though, but he promptly shaves it off under the pretense of trying to finally mature somewhat when he finds out Vanessa is pregnant.

Although, he is a little distracted during this revelation by the unfolding scenes of A Christmas Story and Flick getting his tongue stuck to the flagpole. Clearly an Xbox man as well, seemingly playing some Crackdown and Gears of War recently. This isn’t like that time I kept seeing It’s A Wonderful Life everywhere, is it? I’m not going to start having A Christmas Story pop up in all these movies, am I?

H&K are reuinited for the first time in two years when a package turns up at Kumar’s apartment addressed to Harold, which turns out to be a massive joint. Kumar lights up, only for Harold to play narc and throw it out of the window. Miraciously though, it curves around and flies back in a different window, lighting up Mr Perez’s Christmas tree and nearly burning down the whole house. This only reinforces what a negative influence on Harold’s life Kumar is and it looks like our duo are going their separate ways again. But, this does give us our impetuous for another hour and a half of whacky shenanigans because if Harold doesn’t fix that tree, there’s a good chance Mr Perez might kill him.

So we get the odd foursome of Harold and his new white bread bestie, Todd (and his daughter) and Kumar and his neighbor, Adrian, out on the lookout for a tree. This does lead to perhaps the most racially driven portion of the movie as they head to a tree lot run by two African-American guys trying to do this ‘good cop, bad cop’ thing, the Fat Albert looking guy playing nice and the other wondering what a pair of honkey, cracker, white ass fools are doing coming up in their turf.

Turns out Mr Perez isn’t the only one out to kill Harold though, as the tree search takes them to a party by way of Adrian who has a hookup waiting for him that he met online. She’s a virgin because apparently all the guys at school are scared to go anywhere near her. Adrian realizes that’s because her dad is notorious Ukranian mobster Sergei Katsov. At first I thought this was Chris Meloni making his third outing in the series but no, it’s actually Elias Koteas who was Casey Jones in the Ninja Turtles movies.

After Adrian goes soft upon finding out this information, Mary will settle for anyone at this point and goes to start blowing Harold right in the middle of the party. An inopportune time then for Daddy to come home and find what looks like an Eiffel Tower situation going on.

Even after they barely escape though, the nightmare is far from over as they start tripping and think they’re in the middle of a multi storey evil snowman attack. And, this all takes place in claymation. This is a really awesome scene, the design of the snowman is great and the level of destruction going on is amazing.

I could do without Kumar showing off his clay cock though, I only dread to think how much worse this is in 3D with him waving it about in your face.

Luckily, old buddies Rosenberg and Goldstein are there to shake them out of their bad trip and take them to White Castle to relax. Man, they have a much easier time getting their this time. They’ve clearly learnt from their past experiences. Along with the whole 3D into the camera gimmick, the racism angle has been replaced somewhat with religion, notably here with a whole speech about how Goldstein’s wife had him convert to Christianity and him just going in on those ‘dirty Jew bastards’.

That and the use of his son as a distraction so Harold & Kumar can go steal a tree from a church. ‘Pillow fight in the altar boys room, last one there is a rotten egg!’. Going in on the Catholics as well, I see.

And of course, the big one, the main man JC. Apparently Heaven is like a nightclub and we get the story of how NPH was ushered in the front door following his altercation at the whore house. Only, Jesus didn’t take kindly to NPH macking on his ladies so put in a word to the big man upstairs to send NPH back down to Earth. I mean, it’s not 100% to the letter but I’ll take this as I fucking called it.

The third part of the trifecta of racism replacements in this movie is metaness. There’s a good example here how they call out NPH coming out of the closet in real life, only to reveal that NPH is as big of a poon hound as he’s ever been and this is all just a trick to get the ladies. David Burtka? He’s not his husband, he’s just his dealer!

There’s a couple of other moments like someone referring to Harold as ‘Sulu’ or Adrian saying he lied to Mary and said he was Robert Pattison’s acting coach and that Kumar worked in the White House.

NPH is starring in some big festive stage show and sweet talks one of the dancers back to his dressing room, suggesting she strip down so that he can give her a massage. Hey, it’s cool, we’re all girlfriends here, right? Now just give him a minute so he can squirt some of his special lotion on your back...

He hooks up H&K with a tree from the set but before they can head home, the gangsters catch up with them take them to a secluded part of town for an execution.

But as they make their escape, Harold finds his dick has become stuck to the pole they were tied to. Okay, firstly, between this and Office Chrstimas Party, I’ve seen just about enough dicks to last me til the end of the season. Secondly, maybe this is God’s way of reminding me that I have some unfinished business with A Christmas Story. Sure there was the original and that sequel no one asked for but there is another...

And just in case you forget this is a Christmas movie, Harold inadvertently shoots Santa out of the sky and Kumar has to perform impromptu surgery, because he always does. Santa being played by Richard Riehle who was in Grounded for Life and, relevant to this blog, Chillerama and the Rob Zombie Halloween II. Turns out he was the one who sent Harold the massive joint so that the two of them could reconcile. I never knew Santa cared so much about the friendship of two potheads. I don’t know if he’s a good fit for Santa though, a little too gruff and mean. Doesn’t have the heart of say, an Edmund Gwenn. That could have been an alternate way to do this actually, have a totally sacherine by the numbers Santa that gets corrupted by H&K when they get him to smoke with them, he’s on too much of a bad trip to deliver the toys like normal so it’s up to them to save the day.

I think I would have to put this above the sequel but behind the original in terms of quality. As one note and as fleeting an appearance as he is, the Ukranian gangster somehow feels more of a threat than the entire US government in the second film. Keeping this adventure local again makes it feel much more grounded and there’s just a more light hearted atmosphere to the whole thing when you don’t have that massively racist and oppressive tone pressing down on it.

[littleredroseonthevalley]

An Opera on Separation - Chapter 17

Prologue | Ch. 1 | Ch. 2 | Ch. 3 | Ch. 4 | Ch. 5 | Ch. 6 | Ch. 7 | Ch. 8 | Ch. 9 | Ch. 10 | Ch. 11 | Ch. 12 | Ch. 13 | Ch. 14 | Ch. 15 | Ch. 16 | CH. 17 | Ch. 18 | 

Summary: Lois’ presence disturbs the spirits at the Sterling residence. Some keep their cool, some lose their temper, and all are faced with their own dilemmas.

Rating: T - Content not suitable for children.  Suitable for teens, 13 years and older, with minor suggestive adult themes.

Words: 1467

Notes: Back we are, two weeks later. It’s been hard finding a spot for this on my schedule. I never thought I’d be out of days to post stuff, and not out of stuff to post.

Also, my many thanks to @onesuntowngirl for her nice comment she left on my private chat. Thank you!

Don’t forget to reblog and to comment! Preeeeetty please.

Fear and Loathing

“Mother!” Nathan exclaims.

Standing by the doorway, Lois Sterling smirks, dangerously. “I am back.”

He rolls his eyes. “That I can see. What I wonder is why are you here and not dazzling crowds and bullying students in Sorbonne.”

“If you’re really interested…”

“I am really not.” He interrupted.

“If you’re really interested,” She continues, forcefully. “My post-doctorate program has come to its end, and I’ll be returning to Yale for the second term. There’s no direct flight between Paris and New Haven, so I thought it would be nice to see how my only son is faring before I head to Connecticut.”

“If only I could believe that.” The blond man sighs. “What do you want, mother?”

The eldest smirks. “Since you insist in going straight to business, very well. I came to pick up my jewellery. I kept here quite a collection and I’d like to take them with me. After all, every well-informed citizen in the western world now know you can get grabby, can’t you, Nathan?”

“There we go.” He grumbles. “I was starting to worry, I was pretty sure that would be the first thing out of your mouth.”

“I tried to give a more tasteful lead, out of consideration.” She responded.

“Of course, how stupid of me.” He growled back.

“I assure you, Mrs Sterling,” Emily saw fit to intervene. “That we have gathered everything that belonged to you and had Mr Goldstein deposit at your safe.”

“Oh, Emily, you’re here.” Lois says, monotone. “I did not notice, it always seems you blend with the wallpaper.”

The redhead retreats, but the blond comes to her defence: “Mother, you are at our house. Say what you want about me, but you will treat Emily with respect. She is, after all, doing much more for me as my ex-wife than you ever did as my progenitor.”

The tense standstill between Nathan, Emily and Lois was only broken by the arrival and consequential, and almost obligatory, sardonic comment of Queenie Harper-Rhodes.

“Lois Sterling. It’s been nineteen years if it’s been a day.” She smirked. “Still using a broomstick as a spine, I see.”

The woman smiled, resembling a hungry shark. “Soraya Harper. Still a tactless freeloader, I see.”

“Better off as a freeloader than as a frigid shrew. I know you hate all men, but women these days have options.” Queenie shots her a smile of superiority.

“I prefer self-respect, thank you very much.” Lois sneers and turns back to Nathan. “So, what do you intend to do?”

“About what?”

“About your judgement, of course!” She exclaims, as if it was obvious. “Are you going to flee the country? Tamper with evidence? Intimidate witnesses?”

“I am not doing such thing!” He exclaims, revolted.

She rolls her eyes. “Please, Nathan, respect my intelligence. The one thing you despise is to take responsibility for your actions. And you certainly isn’t innocent in this whole thing. You’re not competent enough to pull off a meteoric ascension like you did.”

He narrows his eyes. “I prefer not to discuss my legal strategies with the likes of you.”

“So there is a strategy, huh? I wonder what it is.” Then a thought races through her mind and understanding flashes on her blue eyes. “Unless… Oh, you’re really pathetic. Out of everything you ever did, the one thing I approved of was your divorce. But this girl waves a bone in front of you and suddenly back you are, waiting on her hand and foot.

“And I really cannot understand why.” Lois gets closer, like a panther closing down on prey. “Out of all your girlfriends, and you had your share, poor Emily here is nothing special. She’s not pretty, she’s not smart and she’s not ambitious. She dress like a granny, speaks like an annoying Santa’s elf, and has absolutely no personality. She’s just… flat. Flat Emily.”

“Lois?” Queenie calls her name.

“Yes?” She responds, with an evil smile.

Before she could say anything else, Queenie slapped her face, hard enough for the skin contact resonate throughout the apartment.

“This is my daughter you’re speaking about, so I’d hold my tongue if I were you.” The woman threatens, anger barely contained.

“I…”

Still not letting her speak, Queenie slaps her again, the force bucking Lois to her knees.

“I’ll tell you what she has.” Queenie holds Lois up. “She’s not so bitter to the point she has to blame her son for every setback her miserable life ever had. She doesn’t need the approval of a heartless, faceless academia to prove her self-worth. And she has a family that will rip off to the last of your teeth if you ever open your damned mouth to speak ill of her again.”

Queenie throws Lois in the ground and kicks her stomach for good measure.

“It’s better if you leave, mother. Now.” Nathan says, sneering and looking down at the woman. “You got what you came for.”

Emily was at Zig’s apartment, finishing her gruesome tale about the going-ons at Park Avenue that evening. Them both were laid on his bed, the man’s arm around her shoulders, trying to bring consolation through physical contact.

“So what happened after your mom hit Mrs. Sterling?” He asks, containing his frustration at the aristocratic family.

“I admonished my mom, of course. She shouldn’t have slapped Mrs. Sterling, regardless of what she said.” The woman responds, her worry about the consequences seeping through her voice. “She got angry, understandably, and left.”

Zig might have thought of many things to say, but none of them were fitting for the emotional state of the young woman, so he preferred to simply be comforting and say: “You had a rough night, huh?”

“Very.” She agrees and hides her face on his shoulder. “Thanks for letting me stay here, by the way. I didn’t want to stay there alone with Nathan.”

“Don’t mention it, Em.” He wrapped a hand on her waist, for support.

They stayed like this for a few silent moments until Emily asks, with a muffled voice: “Hey, Zig?”

“Yeah?”

The woman emerged from their position. “Do you think I’m flat? I mean, do I have a boring personality?”

“No!” He denies, but his voice wavers.

“Don’t lie!” She accuses, slightly hurt.

Feeling painted to a corner, Zig sighed and confessed: “I love you, Emily. Just like you are. And because I love you is why I worry about you. It’s not that you’re boring, but you could be more assertive. So that people like Nathan and his hag of a mother can’t walk all over you.”

Emily looked at her boyfriend and considered what she has been told. She opens her mouth to speak, but the man interrupts her: “I know that you think you owe Nathan, and I respect that. I don’t understand, but I respect that. I don’t want to fight you over that again, especially since we just got back together.

“But I worry about you, I worry that someday you might be taken for a fool, just because you’re so darn soft-hearted. That Nathan convinces you to do something terrible, something you cannot come back from, just so he can escape his trial.”

The redhead hugs the man tightly, resting her face on his toned chest. The warmth from her cheeks over his heart calmed his shallow breathing, the anxiety of knowing bad things are to come.

“I love you, too, you know?” She said. “And I know I can be… trusting, but I don’t think Nathan will be doing anything, at least not against me. But, either way, I have my eye on him, and I won’t be letting him go away with making me an accessory. Don’t worry about me.”

“Easier said than done.” The Latino grumbles, and the woman kisses his cheek.

“Come on, let’s sleep.” She said, smirking. “It’s late, and we both had too much of an exciting evening.”

“Fine, bossypants.”

They kissed one last time, covered themselves and turned off the light.

Still on that same evening, Queenie sat on a bar, twirling an olive on a martini, thinking about life.

“Have you been waiting long?” A deep voice comes from behind her.

She smirks and faces the man. “Yes. But I don’t mind.”

“Not that you could. It’s not like we scheduled anything.” He counters, with a smirk of his own.

“That would be a lousy stake out.” They chuckle, and she continues: “How are you, Nathan?”

“Same as always, same as always.” He responds, a slight grimace on his face. He, then, motions for the barkeep for a drink. “How did you know I’d be here?”

“Wherever Lois go, you’ll surely be trailing shortly behind.” The woman answers, twirling her tousled hair, faux-innocently. “Let’s dive into business, shall we?”

“Whatever the lady wants.”

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An Opera on Separation - Masterlist

Taglist: @alicars; @boneandfur; @cora-nova; @choicesfannatalie; @emerald-bijou; @kennaxval; @liamxs-world; @lizeboredom; @mfackenthal; @moodygrip; @mrsdrakewalkerblog; @radiantrosemary; @topsyturvy-dream

[stickers-on-a-laptop]

ep 30: if this was a kamen rider, gay shit would definitely start escalating

ep 30

jello

GO AUNTIE

i was expecting a tazer been reading too many ace attorney fics

the beef stroganoff oh noes

haruka: well shit

yes shinichi we have figured that out by now

WE KNOW THIS GUYS YOU KNOW THIS WHY ARE WE SAYING IT OUT LOUD

they just were talking about this out loud in the cafe and that's why we get this why were you guys not in the secret piano room you dumb dumbs

i think kaito should be affected by the glasses somehow. just saying

LET HER ATTACK TAROU

shinichi is my fave his FACE

i had to pause cause my mom was talking to me. accidental horror in the getting sucked in anoni

"down i say" SHINICHI FJDSAIOFJSIOFJSDAIOFJSAIOFJSAIOJIOFD

talk to yamato of the zyouhgers he knows how to kill unkillable kaijin

oh they LEANING into the "what is actual family for a sentai team" huh i feel like i discussed this with my friend of how many sentai actually had like family shown

MAH WIFE

his phone case fjdsaiofadsoifdjsiofjio

how'd you send that list can you do that?? airdrop??

tarou's face of "he's got proper manners" lmaooooooooooooooooooo

"no fuck you i won't be impressed" slaps tarou shinichi likes to pretend he's not a bit evil but he is

treating your hostages with respect

so rough she's having the worst time poor auntie

the ikemen hostage experience

tsuyoshi going through it

FJDSIOFJSDAIOFJDSAIOFJFIODSAJFIOSAFJIOSAJIO OH NO NOT THE EX

chill my guy she's probably giving directions

DUMBASS

just……….falls over BUT THE CAR STOPS FOR ONCE

HARUKA'S FACE

girlfriend what is this defense mechanism

dude. chill.

inoue PLEASE we don't need all the stupid heteronormative tropes i am BEGGING you

what are we doing to his hair oh no

back to the ikemen hostage experience

this IS the ooo house right god toei loves this set lmao

not quite a hostage situation but definitely worse than her aunt's

haruka: so imma die right???

dramatique

TSUYOSHI IN THE BACK WITH THE CURLERS

what do you want with purple shark

LOVE that shinichi is like ALARMED that haruka might actually do damage with the napkin holder

tarou: i will sit here calmly

kaito has balls of steel

spicy life

terrible flirting

meanwhile, tsubasa

THIS DUDE IS SO OUT OF THE LOOP

shinichi just facing the wrong way

SHINICHI JUST ON THE GROUND SHOOTING

tsubasa: okay i told them i am off the hook now

OH NO

she's a crane juuto IS THERE A HIERARCHY HERE????

OH MY FUCKING GOD

so who is the copy then?? miho or natsumi?

the cranes weave stories. this will be important later just watch.

we haven't seen the penguins yet have we

haruka ain't askin questions

GIRLBOSSING 101

the manga kept mr purple shark contained that is actually amazing

DUDE EXPLAIN

YEAH THEY MIGHT RUN IF YOU DON'T FUCKING EXPLAIN MY GUY

okay they both see the same woman at the same time shit's gonna start going down soon

tsubasa going through it

OH YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

wife guy vs wife guy FIGHT

DONBROS LIVEBLOG, AS COPY/PASTED FROM MY DISCORD

i did this like i was talking to my friend, so this is the "being friends with stickers' when she's watching something" experience

i think i'll put more thoughts in the tags, but don't count on it for every ep lmao

ep 1

21 years ago is 2001 sounds fake to me

wait i've seen this man--kao dake sensei

not even 20 seconds in and i get interrupted ;-;

moses, peach style (yes i know that's the story of mamotaro it's just that i'm jewish)

oh okay even the logo is rainbow for this one

dabbing in the year of our lord 2022

i have not seen miss silver girl anywhere ever who is that

five way back to back? oh this is going to be AWESOME

hello miss haruka i see TONS on you

fangire?

a kamen rider?

hello mr blue guy that gets shipped with the red

oi no nails on the chalkboard

a BOYFRIEND???

sorry mr boyfriend i do not remember you in zettai bl at all

she becomes a hero because of a spam ad nice

ATTACK OF THE KILLER SUNGLASSES

isn't this colorful??

hello kaito but i think without the adhd

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

gun!

cubes like zyuohger

okay mr red

bonds again? this IS zyuohger, go meet yamato

this guy is yamato 2.0

isn't that lily/the fourze teacher?

why translate mama as mommy what is the point of that

MORE CUBES AGAIN

i'm guessing this is the fourze school?

hell yeah ask and you shall receive

pfffffffffffffft thinking that mr blue man would be tarou

i like that this chooses when you're gonna fight

FJDSIOFJSIOFJDSIOAJOIA HE JUST KICKS HER OUT OF THE WAY

glasses and then glasses

mom i am watching donbrothers not thinking about how the trains and busses work in this damn country

pink dude

man cgi battles just annoy me like i am SURE i'll like this series but damn cgi battles are for the crossover movies and that's IT

FJDSIOFJSDIOFJDSIOAFJDSIOAFAIO I WANT DANCING LADIES TO ANNOUNCE MY PRESENCE AS I'M ON A MOTORCYCLE

"this one? no. no thanks"

kamen rider sentai

oh the first battle of these two let's go

reverse storm trooper aim

toei this is so much rainbow

man i have to remember zenkaiger gears? good thing i watched it

if you do a zenaki gattai and put "yo" imma "yo ho hoi"

kamen rider kick

is there no dancing song at the end AGAIN???

[curriebelle]

I deeply want to know the stories behind all those jokes, especially the last one.

Oh m god let’s see what I can do o o o….Tonight on “Don’t Explain the Joke, Currie!”

My first D&D campaign - the one with Byron the goofball bard - was full of dads. Two PCs had surprise dads, two PCs WERE surprise dads, and one had an quasi-evil non-surprise relevant dad. Byron had like four dads. We had a non-binary changeling in the group who was both a mom AND a dad. It got fuckin real with the dads. And we also ate Dad’s cookies every session so - brought to u by dads

“HERO TIME” is Byron’s catchphrase and “BYRON NO” is his girlfriend/wife Narila’s frequent response to it, delivered in a delightful scottish accent. :P I forgot that those two later had red-headed wolf babies which was kind of another meme. WHEN WILL WE GET OUR RED-HEADED WOLF BABIES, DM??

“We don’t roll dice we leave it up to chance!” was a wonderful nonsensical quote from another player in that campaign, who didn’t realize how paradoxical that was until we all pointed it out. I’ve completely forgotten the context but we never let her forget that one :P

The next three were from my campaign with the Master’s students at mlab. Our heavily anime-inspired anti-hero warlock got charmed by a dryad - a dryad that one of the other players almost immediately incinerated. Cue a heartbroken scream of TREE WAIFU NOOO!!! That same group also tried to break into a palace by climbing over a wall iN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY, and then when I said “a bunch of guards are coming. u dipshits”. The rogue turned around with “WELCOME TO THE GRAND SHOW!” and a nat 20 deception check. Then they put on a pretty believable carnival performance and got away with their break-in SO THAT WENT WELL. And Sharkules (pronounced like Hercules, but with sharks) was just…beautiful. He was a gnome paladin with I think three different negative skill modifiers, including intelligence. He was incredibly heroic and did the dumbest things all the time, and he stole a blue chicken and named it Chickules, and rode around on a giant cat and….we just…we all loved Sharkules.

Canadian DND was from a one-shot I did with my family, @mischief7manager and @impossibletruths this spring. Those two tumblrites are from Amurrica, and I’m Canadian. Mischief had an alchemy jug, but I didn’t know how it worked b/c all the measurements were in gallons, so they thought that was funny, but I think they got even more of a kick out of the fact that my mom and sister were watching hockey while we played and I periodically stopped them to check the score.

ANNNNNND the last one was from that first campaign, featuring Byron the Bard putting his greatest talent (his incredible indisputable sexiness, signified by the kind of stupidly high Diplomacy skill you can only get in 4th edition) to use. We were dungeon-crawling and came across a Yuan-Ti snake lady. We weren’t too tired but we were a little banged up, so I started wondering aloud if we should make some kind of a deal to get past her. I suggested that perhaps I could maybe…..exchange some favours, which everybody (including my in-game father, my in-game girlfriend, and my out-of-game girlfriend at the time) encouraged. Thus it was agreed, Byron Must Fuck the Snake. And snake lady was totally dtf, because Byron was inexplicably attractive despite being a total dipshit, but just as she was about to smooch Byron everyone noticed that she was, in fact, a vampire snake lady and I’m pretty sure Narila then punched the snake lady so hard she flew ten feet and then we decided we would murder her instead. 

Byron was basically a very dumb golden retriever, touching or poking or eating or saving things he wasn’t supposed to, making friends with things he REALLY shouldn’t, and the only reason he didn’t die like a thousand times over is because the rest of the party (no less than nine anti-heroes of varying grittiness) basically adopted him.

[analogscum]

SCUM IN THE AISLES #2 (House by the Cemetery)

Sometimes, in order to seek out the weirdest discarded slices of celluloid trash that cinema has to offer, one must leave the confines of their crappy apartment, and go to an actual movie theater. This is a column recounting my excursions into the b-movie wilds. This is Scum in the Aisles!

“Wow, you guys don’t look like Lucio Fulci fans at all.”

This is how programmer and film writer David Savage sarcastically sized up the nearly sold out crowd this past Tuesday night at the Drafthouse. It was Terror Tuesday, and the witching hour of 9:30pm was upon us. We had assembled on this evening to catch a 35mm screening of Fulci’s 1981 classic, House by the Cemetery. Our minds were steeled for the mind-bending, stylized gory supernatural chicanery we were about to witness, but we couldn’t help but laugh at Savage’s astute joke. Fulci’s films tend to attract, shall we say, a certain type: long hair, t-shirts emblazoned with either classic heavy metal or horror artwork, denim jackets or vests adorned with buttons and patches, skateboard sneakers. Needless to say, we fit the type, myself included.

Odds are, if you’re reading this website regularly, you already know who Lucio Fulci is. But just in case, here are the bare essentials: Fulci was an Italian filmmaker who spent the first decade of his career as an art critic before moving on to screenwriting and finally directing. His early efforts were mainly bawdy comedies and pulpy action thrillers, along with the occasional Spaghetti western. In 1969, he made his first giallo picture, A Lizard in a Woman’s Skin. Giallo, the subgenre kicked off by Mario Bava’s 1964 film Blood and Black Lace, combined elements of murder mysteries, slashers, and supernatural horror, presenting them with sumptuous visuals, swanky metropolitan settings, and a heaping helping of sex and gore. Fulci would make his name as a filmmaker with his work in this genre, beginning with his Italian breakthrough, 1972’s Don’t Torture a Duckling, and culminating in his international breakthrough, 1979’s Zombi 2. If you’ve ever seen the clip of an underwater zombie engaging in slow-mo fisticuffs with a shark, that was Fulci’s doing. The next year, Fulci set off to make his most ambitious work yet, the Gates of Hell Trilogy, which was comprised of 1980’s City of the Living Dead, 1981’s The Beyond, and today’s subject, 1981’s House by the Cemetery. Though they all have different plots and share no recurring characters, these films are united by the fact that they are the most probing look into Fulci’s obsessions: gothic horror, weird fiction, Grand Guignol violence, anti-Catholic sentiments, and the general malaise of knowing that life is governed by chaos, and evil wins the day much more often than good does.

Savage did an excellent job of setting up Fulci’s mindset as such before the film ran, and even though I had seen it multiple times before, this new appraisal allowed me to see the film with a whole new set of eyes. House by the Cemetery concerns a historian named Norman Boyle (Paolo Malco, who often played nebbish intellectual types in Fulci’s films) who moves from New York City to “Boston” (though the exterior house and town scenes were actually shot in upstate Massachusetts and Connecticut, while the interiors were filmed in Rome) alongside his wife Lucy (Katherine MacColl, another Fulci regular), and their young son, Bob (Giovanni Frezza), in order to finish a research project began by a colleague who went insane, killing his girlfriend and then himself. Jeez, the state of academics these days. The family resides in a spooky old Victorian mansion (you’ll never guess what’s nearby) that once belonged to a mad scientist named Doctor Freudstein (LULZ). Oh, and Bob keeps talking to the ghost of a little girl, Mae (Silvia Collatina), who warns him not to go to the house in the vaguest terms possible. Why are these omen spirits always so coy?

So from there we’re treated to the type of bloody otherworldly madness that Fulci fans know and love. We get the classic “stabbed in the back of the head so that the knife pokes through the mouth” trick, a mannequin decapitation, fireplace poker stabbings, various throat slittings, an amazing, super long sequence involving a bat that just refuses to die, and of course the climactic revelation that Doctor Freudstein (LULZ) is still alive, and using dead bodies strewn about the basement to prolong his life…somehow, despite the fact that he looks like a turkey drumstick stuffed into a Civil War uniform. That don’t much sound like living to me.

Fulci was never shy about borrowing from whatever mainstream film was popular at the time, and here we get plenty of influence from The Shining: a family relocating to a haunted location, a boy who communes with spirits, and an ending that involves good ol’ dad busting a door down with an axe. The main difference here is that we want little Danny Torrence to survive his ordeal at the Overlook Hotel, whereas Bob in this movie is an annoying little prick, and the audience laughed every time he spoke, because his voice is impossibly whiny. And while the main baddie (please don’t make me type his name again) is obviously an homage to a certain Mary Shelley classic, as Savage pointed out, the vibe of the film actually has much more in common with H.P. Lovecraft. Fulci was a diehard Lovecraft aficionado, and the film’s creepy New England setting, characters driven mad by unknown, unseen forces, and obsession with…re-animating…the dead (saaaaaay, there’s a boffo idea for a horror picture!) are all deeply Lovecraftian motifs.

Overall, House by the Cemetery is something of an outlier in the Gates of Hell trilogy. It is not as sprawling or otherworldly as City of the Living Dead or The Beyond, and it has a more somber, autumnal vibe to match its setting. Even the kills, while as bloody as anything else in Fulci’s cannon, somehow feel more restrained, at least when compared to the jaw-dropping set pieces in the previous two installments of the trilogy. Still, House by the Cemetery is an essential piece of the puzzle, a look back to a time when Fulci was at the height of his creative powers, and the only thing holding him back was the limits of his dark, twisted imagination. Kudos to the folks at the Drafthouse for seeing that his visions live on to this day.

[lolsexonthebeach]

My girlfriend wanted me to do these and also I really wanted to do these

1. Coffee or tea?

Usually coffee, but I won’t say no to green tea. Like, ever.

2. Black and white or color?

Used to be black and white but I’m starting to like colors again. Oh my god, I sound like a really cringy goth kid.

3. Drawings or paintings?

Drawings. I loved whenever my girlfriend would sketch things on our coffee dates.

4. Dresses or skirts?

Dresses. Love love love when @organiclavender wears dresses :)

5. Books or movies?

Honestly, books more recently. I haven’t seen a good movie in awhile.

6. Pepsi or Coke?

Pepsi, I drank enough coke as a child to make a 500lb McDonald’s frequenter gasp.

7. Chinese or Italian?

This is a very evil question. I guess Chinese, I feel like it’s easier to find a hole-in-the-wall place serving bomb Chinese than it is to find a decent Italian restaurant that sells something other than Spaghetti and one meatball.

8. Early bird or night owl?

Is it possible to be both? Kinda like waking up early now, but I love midnight silence.

9. Chocolate or vanilla?

That’s racist.

10. Introvert or extrovert?

I am an introvert that pretends to be extroverted so he can pet people’s cats and play their musical instruments

11. Hugs or kisses?

Kisses. Always kisses.

12. Hunting or fishing?

This is probably a typical answer, but I really don’t like the idea of murdering something helpless for fun (Even though I fucking love guns lmao). Fishing is probably not much less cruel, but it’s so relaxing, man. 

13. Winter or summer?

Well, summer rhymes with bummer. 

Nah. Love the cold.

14. Spring or fall?

Fall. Such a spooky season.

15. Rural or urban?

It really depends on where lol. I love getting lost in the woods, but there’s no Wi-Fi out there lmao

16. PC or Mac?

Macs are literally overpriced Linux computers that take everything good about Linux and throw it the fuck away.

17. Tan or pale?

Pale <3

18. Cake or pie?

I will eat the FUCK out of some pecan pie.

19. Ice cream or yogurt?

I’m not an annoying hipster that lies about enjoying fermented milk so iced cream for me

20. Ketchup or mustard?

Ketchup, but mustard is growing on me lately. Like, go get some spicy brown mustard from Walmart and put that shit on a sandwich with pepper jack and roast beef and tell me there’s not a God.

21. Sweet pickles or dill pickles?

Sweet pickles are the 2nd most disgusting thing I’ve ever put in my mouth. The first is my brother’s penis. What was weirder was finding out that he wasn’t really my brother.

22. Comedy or mystery?

I feel like most comedies these days are different iterations of “WEIRD SEX SCENES AND AFFAIRS AND ALSO HERE’S SOME BOOBS” so mystery

23. Boots or sandals?

Well, if Doc Marten made some flippy flops... Nah, boots.

24. Silver or gold?

Silver. Looks way classier to me for some reason.

25. Pop or Rock?

DEATH METAL

26. Dancing or singing?

I can’t do either, I’m a white boy.

27. Checkers or chess?

My girlfriend will attest to the fact that I used to literally stay awake for hours playing chess on my phone

28. Board games or video games?

I love the videa.

29. Wine or beer?

I am answering this question with a hangover. Please die.

30. Freckles or dimples?

Both will equally melt my heart.

31. Honey mustard or BBQ sauce?

I live in Texas, so BBQ sawz

32. Body weight exercises or lifting weights?

Weights. I notice better results doing shit with dumbbells and stuff than I do just doing pushups and shit.

33. Baseball or basketball?

I refer you to the answer of question 26.

34. Crossword puzzles or sudokus?

Do I look like a 40 year old wife that likes to disturb her husband’s peace in the morning

35. Facial hair or clean shaven?

I assume this is asking about on other people, but facial hair if I’m trying to go to a bar and I don’t feel like getting carded, clean shaven if I want some love from @organiclavender

36. Crushed ice or cubed ice?

Ice^3

37. Skiing or snowboarding?

Snowboarding. 

38. Smile or game face?

I usually try to smile but apparently I have resting bitch face a lot

39. Bracelet or necklace?

I’ll rock both, yo.

40. Fruit or vegetables?

Both, my girlfriend has been forcing me to eat healthier and omg I’m actually starting to like things that aren’t baked in an asbestos lined oven with ingredients grown from failed cloning experiments and formaldehyde

41. Sausage or bacon?

Bausage.

42. Scrambled or fried?

This is a tough one. As long as there’s a shit ton of cheese somewhere in there, I’ll eat either.

43. Dark chocolate or white chocolate?

Darkolate.

44. Tattoos or piercings?

Have both, want more of both. I seriously miss my nose ring.

45. Antique or brand new?

Antique, but my girlfriend is scared of old things because she won’t stop watching Paranormal Survivor.

46. Dress up or dress down?

I have no idea what this means. I clearly am not the target demographic of this questionnaire.

47. Cowboys or aliens?

I was going to say both, but then I remembered it’s that kind of thinking that made Cowboys and Aliens with Daniel CRAYGE happen.

48. Cats or dogs?

I love woofers but I absolutely adore cats.

49. Pancakes or waffles?

Fucking WAFFLES.

50. Bond or Bourne?

I’ve been a Bond fan since I was old enough to be sentient

51. Sci-Fi or fantasy?

Both. Massive Sci-Fi fan but I love anything to do with fantasy things.

52. Numbers or letters?

Symbols!

53. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings?

LORD OF THE POTTER

54. Fair or theme park?

I love fairs. There’s always a hint of “holy shit I might die” that just adds to the rickety experience of riding a roller coaster set up in literally a day.

55. Money or fame?

Money. I’d much rather buy people shit than sign autographs.

56. Washing dishes or doing laundry?

Neither. Shit is so lame. Hate both equally.

57. Snakes or sharks?

Sneks r cool

58. Orange juice or apple juice?

Apple Juice. I’ve been craving some since I woke up.

59. Sunrise or sunset?

Sunset.

60. Slacker or over-achiever?

I have bursts of both, which likely means I have some kind of serious mental disorder

:D

61. Pen or pencil?

Pens. There’s a weird quality to ink that I’ve always loved.

62. Peanut butter or jelly?

I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who ate straight jelly lmao

63. Grammys or Oscars?

Do I look like a bored, lonely housewife?

64. Detailed or abstract?

Both. Absolutely both.

65. Multiple choice questions or essay questions?

When I didn’t entirely hate school, I loved essay questions. Multiple choice is now my favorite.

66. Adventurous or cautious?

Literally both.

67. Saver or spender?

I’m both lol. Sometimes I won’t spend a dime and then other times I’ll buy some fucking copper silverware on amazon because “It looks cool”.

68. Glasses or contacts?

Depends on the person. I think my girlfriend looks adorable in hers, I can’t seem to have them without shattering them.

69. Laptop or desktop?

Desktop.

70. Classic or modern?

Classic.

71. Personal chef or personal fitness trainer?

I would literally kill for someone to get me off of my ass and into a gym more often.

72. Internet or cell phone?

I feel like those two are synonymous now.

73. Call or text?

If it’s my girlfriend, call. If it’s literally anyone else, text.

74. Curly hair or straight hair?

I think girls with curly hair are the absolute cutest thing ever.

75. Shower in the morning or shower in the evening?

Evening showers make me happy.

76. Spicy or mild?

I will forever shovel spicy things in my mouth until my stomach screams at me and I need to throw up on the poor waitress asking me if I’m okay.

77. Marvel or DC?

I am weirdly not into comics.

78. Paying a mortgage or paying rent?

Dude, if I could afford a house in any possible way, there’s no way in hell I would ever live in an apartment again.

79. Sky dive or bungee jump?

I really wanna sky dive. Loved bungee jumping.

80. Oreos or Chips Ahoy?

WHAT IF THEY MADE BOTH 

81. Jello or pudding?

Pudding

82. Truth or dare?

You’re not even trying anymore.

83. Roller coaster or Ferris wheel?

Roller coaster!

84. Leather or denim?

I rock both yo.

85. Stripes or solids?

SOLIDS

86. Bagels or muffins?

Bagels, omfg. I’m like craving a garlic and poppy seed bagel right now. Wiff some creme chez.

87. Whole wheat or white?

My girlfriend hates me so I’m not allowed to eat white bread anymore.

88. Beads or pearls?

ANAL BEADS

89. Hardwood or carpet?

Hardwood. I finally moved into an apartment with wood floors and omg it’s so nice. Only thing that sucks is when it’s cold you mos def need socks.

90. Bright colors or neutral tones?

Neutral. I like colors too, I’m just a weird goth boy.

91. Be older than you are or younger than you are?

Older, with a job that doesn’t suck. I wanna be out of college.

92. Raisins or nuts?

Raisins are gross. I love cashews tho

93. Picnic or nice restaurant?

Nice restaurant. One of my favorite dates with my girlfriend is finding cool nice places to grab some food at :)

94. Black leather or brown leather?

Black ‘till I die.

95. Long hair or short hair?

Both. I’m not picky :)

96. “Ready, aim, fire” or “Ready, fire, aim”?

I’m imaging the second choice is what half of the dudes at the range I used to go to into Austin took.

97. Fiction or non-fiction?

Fiction. Non-Fiction is boring.

98. Smoking or non-smoking?

I’m not allowed to smoke anymore.

:’(

99. Think before you talk or talk before you think?

I definitely do both.

100. Asking questions or answering questions?

Both yo!

[ragincagein4life]

USS Indianapolis

I haven’t posted a Ragin’ Cagein’ review in months; a grave offense on par with Nicy Poo’s hair (wig? spray paint?) in our next film: USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage.  You probably haven’t heard of this movie because Cagey Kins churns out blockbusters (we’ll use that term very loosely) like he needs to pay back the IRS after bankruptcy…oh wait.  Before pressing play, I decided to do a little research on the old Goog to see what pops up.  It currently has 5.1/10 stars on IMDB, which is actually pretty good for our resident screamer.  But then I saw the review on Rotten Tomatoes…9%...me thinks we found a winner.  If you haven’t had the pleasure of watching this tasty treat, here is the trailer:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExSDMWJhm_Q

Before diving in (pun intended…too soon?) here’s a little background on the event this movie attempts to recreate on screen, courtesy of Wikipedia:

Her sinking led to the greatest single loss of life at sea in the history of the U.S. Navy. On 30 July 1945, after a high-speed trip to deliver parts for Little Boy, the first atomic bomb used in combat, to the United States air base at Tinian, the ship was torpedoed by the Imperial Japanese Navy submarine I-58 while on her way to the Philippines, sinking in 12 minutes. Of 1,196 crewmen aboard, approximately 300 went down with the ship. The remaining 900 faced exposure, dehydration, saltwater poisoning, and shark attacks while floating with few lifeboats and almost no food or water. The Navy learned of the sinking when survivors were spotted four days later by the crew of a PV-1 Ventura on routine patrol. Only 317 survived.

U.S.S Indianapolis

Needless to say, this was and still is an incredibly tragic moment in U.S. history that should be treated with respect.  So why was Nic Cage chosen to star in this film?  Great question.  And why I am choosing to review this movie in my snarky voice?  Because it’s my duty as an American! (No it’s not). 

I’ll be honest, I’m already pretty excited to watch this movie because it’s been several months since my last Cage experience and the opening credits is like a desert oasis when I saw this…

A FILM BY

MARIO VAN PEEBLES

Jesus take the wheel.  Or should I say helm?  Anyway, on with the show! 

“There will always be war until we kill our own species.”   

With writing like that, I’m shocked this wasn’t a shoe in for an Oscar Meyer hotdog.  Alas, the graphics are horrendous!  It looks like a computer game played on Windows 95.  Already this plot is tough to follow, one minute NC is writing a letter to his wife (I assume), the next we’re following two young seaman on their romantic interludes (unfortunately isn’t not with each other).  Then we switch to a Japanese submarine where of course all the lighting is red (EVIL!) and they’re sacrificing themselves when it doesn’t even seem necessary.  New characters are introduced in practically every scene with “subtle” foreshadowing about sharks, specifically, their rows of sharp teeth and that humans are at the bottom of the food chain when swimming in the ocean.  

Wait, is that Tom Sizemore?  He’s actually looking pretty good (thank you Dr. Drew and Celebrity Rehab) and I’m glad to see he’s still making war movies...even if they star a melted candle in a wig (seriously though, what is going on with Nic Cage’s face??  His complexion looks gray).  

One of the more flattering shots I could find.

And the glorious writing just keeps coming.  “This isn’t a minstrel show..this is the UNITED STATES NAVY.”  Another cutting line from a naval officer.  Seaman are notorious for dicking around at minstrel shows.

Quick side note. I Googled “minstrel shows” and this was the first image that came up:

Apparently this form of entertainment originated in the 19th century and was performed by white people in black face.  Later on, especially after the Civil War, these shows were performed by actual black people.  Did Steve Bannon write this movie?  Maybe NC Skat Cat’s gray bloat-face pays homage to the human trash pile who also served in the Navy:

Fun fact, you’ll find the picture on the left in the dictionary under “Melanoma” 

Well, the Japanese torpedoes finally hit and the U.S.S Indianapolis melts into lackadaisical chaos.  You might be thinking, “But Katie, doesn’t that phrase contradict itself?”  You are correct, however, the actors in this movie make it an art form on par with Method Acting.  It’s a delightful combination of screaming yet jogging, shrieking orders while lazily jumping off the ship.  Is it time for the sharks to arrive?  

Well, the ship is gone, the men are drifting in the water and I wish the sharks would hurry up so I don’t have to listen to this horrendous dialogue.  I’ll be honest, I was zoning out until random people were pulled under.  Oh, and Tom Sizemore’s character is begging for morphine...how appropriate.  The best part of the water scenes is NC rowing his raft with a comically small ore as seen at the beginning of this delightfully dubbed clip: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MoXLSU_s84 

This movie is abysmal.  Each scene lasts a couple of minutes that either depict ridiculous shark attack scenes or late night confessionals by the survivors about their love lives or the afterlife. 

“Do you think it’s luck who lives and who dies? “It was his time.”

Oh. Was it?

But in all seriousness, this event is considered the worst Naval disaster in our nation’s history where hundreds of men lost their lives in terrifying ways.  They were stranded for four days in shark infested waters while their distress calls went unanswered.  So, yeah...kind of a big deal and not surprisingly, this movie and the characters don’t do it justice...at all.   I think the most fitting line of movie was spoken one of the rescuing soldier:

“This is a class A clusterfuck.” 

Indeed.  I need a pallet cleanser (or an enema for my eyes).

So the men are rescued and there’s still about 30 minutes left in the movie and what comes next feels like it should be a different film altogether.  There’s a lot going on:

-One character, nicknamed ‘Bama’ (gross), marries his best friend’s pregnant girlfriend after he dies at sea.

-Some of the surviving soldiers get together to throw a party the night before the trial.  “What trial?” you might ask...

-Nic-y kins is on trial for not “zig zagging as an evasive maneuver” and “failing to abandon ship in a timely manner” (wait what?) aka you weren’t prepared for a possible attack by the Japanese and didn’t react appropriately.  Basically, the military fucked up big time and are trying to throw him under the bus.  As you can see, our military likes to repeat history.  

-OH SHIT!  During the trial the United States Military calls the Captain from the Japanese submarine that attacked the USS Indianapolis.  Slap in the face to Wig Master Cage.  But I think he lied on the stand to help Cage...blooming friendship on the horizon? 

-NOT GULTY...on one count but they found Cage guilty for not zig zagging.  What is going on in this movie.

-Okay I’ll admit, there’s a scene between NC and the Japanese Captain about forgiveness that I actually kind of liked.  

-I take that back because the movie ends with NC shooting himself in the head.  WHY?!

-The most powerful part of this movie is the ending credits.  Two veterans describe the experience of the shark attacks followed by actual footage of the rescue.  So basically the parts that Mario van Peebles had nothing to do with.  

I think it’s pretty clear how I feel about this movie.  Two hours of actors bumbling on screen, desperately trying to recreate and pay homage to a tragic moment and failing miserably.  I don’t recommend this movie to anyone, even if you’re under the influence of anything...weed, alcohol, paint thinner, etc.  That said, I give this movie 1/5 Ragin’ Cageins.

But not everyone feels the same way.  The following 9/10 star review is from scottwolf-26710 on IMBD:

I am wondering whether the people who posted bad reviews saw the same movie as I did, It was historically good , acting fair, story excellent CGI a little cheesy. But overall very entertaining. I studied this incident and knew an old sailor, who helped off load the bomb on Tinian. Maybe the movie didn't have enough sex and foul language for the people who gave it bad reviews.

You might be on to something old Scotty boy.  I would have enjoyed “U.S.S Indianapolis” so much more if there was a budding love story throughout.  Perhaps something like this:

After abandoning his ship, NC is brought to a raft by a shark who, unlike his brothers and sisters, doesn’t see humans as food.  Rather, he feels a strong connection towards them...maybe even love?  

NC is confused himself.  He should hate the sharks, after all, they’re killing his men!  But there’s something about that first shark, the one he believes saved him that night.  Or was it just a dream?  His mind tells him to remember his wife!  But his heart keeps remembering those beautiful, black shark eyes.  

Over the next four days, NC and the shark steal wanting glances and NC even hits the shark with his tiny ore to cover up his true feelings.  NC knows they can never be and the shark understands that if he truly loves this melting wax figure, he should let him go back to his wife.  

During one particularly lonely night, NC spots his savior in the water just below the raft.  The shark swims quietly to the surface- he knows he shouldn’t be here but the connection is too strong.  As the shark breaks the surface, NC simply says “It’s you.”  With that, the two begin a passionate affair lasting until daybreak.  

On the day of the rescue, the sea was extra salty with the lovers’ tears.  As NC sails away, he looks back one last time and says a silent goodbye to the creature who saved his life but stole his heart.  Just before the screen fades to black, he whispers, “In another life.” 

El Fin 

Potential movie poster?

With that dear readers, I end my review of this ghastly film.  Stay tuned for the next post and if you have any requests, please submit in the comments.

Peace, love and wigs xo 

[kyukurator-blog]

THE LAST POST

This is the last post of Follow The Thread. 

I say that with a mixture of sadness and relief.  Over the course of three years, Elma and I have researched, curated and written 152 posts, covering nearly 900 films, documentaries and TV shows.

We did it because we loved it.  Each week we’d unearth a complex web of threads connecting current titles to the massive online library that we are all blessed to have at our fingertips.  Some of the connections were obvious, some were obscure.  Some resonant, some just fun.  

The process was always delightful.  And, it was a tremendous amount of work.    

But what I’ll especially miss are all the juicy and culty titles we would discover – or, in some cases, re-discover – in the course of our detective work. 

So for this last post, I’ve pulled together a fast, long and extremely biased list of some of discoveries Elma and I have made over the last three years, stretching back to August 2014. 

Thanks for reading.  Arrivaderci!                                                                                                               *Each title is followed by the date of the post*

Afternoon Delight (2013) 5/18/17 Jill Soloway’s 2013 first film.  Kathryn Hahn is a frustrated LA Mom who opens up her home to a homeless young exotic dancer (Juno Temple).    

A Field in England (2013) 4/20/17 Hot UK team Ben Wheatley and wife Amy Jump’s low-budget, anti-romantic account of the 17th Century civil wars, complete with psychedelic mushrooms.

Belle du Jour (1967) 3/23/17 Luis Bunuel’s amoral anti-bourgeois meditation on erotic fulfilment starring 23-year-old Catherine Deneuve.

Welcome to The Rileys (2010) 3/9/17 Kristen Stewart and James Gandolfini in an unexpected fable of a bereaved father.

Orange Sunshine (2016) 1/12/17 Acclaimed doc maker William Kirkley tells the story of Brotherhood of Eternal Love, a mystical/altruistic band of surfer hippies out of Laguna Beach who manufactured and sold 100 million hits of LSD.  

The Jackie Show – Televised Tour of the White House (1962) 12/8/16 80 million people watched as the breathy, beautiful and slightly distant young First Lady showed off her White House restoration on live TV.   

Guy and Madeline on a Park Bench (2009) 12/1/16 Damien Chazelle’s Harvard Thesis film is a jazz musical warm-up for La La Land, scored by his  collaborator Justin Hurwitz. 

Margaret (2007/10) 11/17/16 Kenneth Lonergan’s uneasy maybe-masterpiece starring Anna Paquin (pre-True Blood) as a magnetically unlikeable New York teen trying to work out her place in the universe. 

Crystal Fairy and the Magical Cactus (2013) 11/3/16 Sebastian Silva’s story of a feckless American (Michael Cera) who sets off in search of psychedelic cactus.  He and Chilean friends are joined by spacey, free-spirited Crystal Fairy (Gaby Hoffman).  The trip becomes the trip.   

400 Blows (1959) 10/27/16 Autobiographical childhood film from 27-year-old critic Francois Truffaut that exploded him into the front ranks of the New Wave.  We’d never seen it before! 

Black Panthers: Vanguard of the Revolution (2015) 10/6/16 Scary black men with rifles on the steps of the California State House.  The amazing story told definitively in this PBS doc from Stanley Nelson. 

Open Your Eyes (1997) 8/25/16 Alejandro Amenabar’s mindbending Spanish language parable about a young man whose lust captures him in an endless loop of subjective reality was the basis for Vanilla Sky. 

Summer with Monika (1953) 8/11/16 This remarkable early Bergman film about adolescent lovers who escape on a summer idyll has been cited as an influence by both John Waters and Woody Allen.  

A Woman Named Golda (1982) 7/28/16 You wouldn’t know that Ingrid Bergman was dying of cancer when she made this surprising portrait of the grandmotherly and iron-willed Israeli Prime Minister.  Leonard Nimoy plays her husband, Judy Davis is the young Golda.

A Most Wanted Man (2014) 7/7/16 A stark, chilling spy movie from Dutch directory Anton Corbijn, with Seymour Phillip Hoffman starring in his last leading role. 

The Source (1999) 6/30/16 Chuck Workman’s definitive documentary on The Beats.  Focuses on Ginsberg, Kerouac and Burroughs, with Dennis Hopper, Johnny Depp and John Turturro reading their works.

The Blue Room (2014) 6/23/16 A distinctively French and exceptionally erotic thriller from director Mathieu Amalric, based on a novel by Georges Simenon. 

Black Death (2010) 6/16/16 From horror director Chris Smith, “Dark Ages Pulp” — a horror/fable about the evils of religion and belief, with plenty of gore and a liberal dash of the supernatural.  With Sean Bean, aka Edard Stark, and Carice von Houten (GOT’s Melisandre).

I Am Love (2009) 5/5/16 In the third of Tilda Swinton’s ongoing string of collaborations with Italian director Luca Guadigno (Biggest Splash), she plays the Russian-born matriarch of a haute bourgeois Italian family that has fallen on rocky times.

Better Off Ted (2009-2010) 4/7/16 A “brilliant but cancelled” ABC office sitcom that is a more-accurate-than-most mirror of contemporary corporate life.

L’Atalante (1932) 3/10/16 This was the last of seminal French director Jean Viggo’s four films.  He died in his wife’s arms a few days after the film’s disastrous release.  Now it’s beloved, the exceptionally simple story of a girl from a river town who impulsively marries a barge captain.  

Labyrinthe (1986) 1/14/16 15-year-old Jennifer Connelly is a girl on the brink of womanhood whose fantasies come alive.  David Bowie is Jareth, the Ogre King, tempter and torturer in a glam rock wig and notoriously form-fitting tights. Cult fantasy collaboration from George Lucas and Jim (Muppet) Henson.   

99 Homes (2015) 12/11/15 Michael Shannon is a real estate shark who teaches Andrew Garfield how to save his family home – by preying on others.  The start of our obsession with chameleon Shannon. 

The Great Beauty (2013) 12/3/15 Paolo Sorrentino’s Oscar winner about a famous journalist who blithely charms his way through the upper echelons of Roman culture – until, on his 65th birthday, his true love unexpectedly dies. 

What If (2014) 11/25/15 A frustratingly cliched romcom worth seeing for the singularly charming performance by post-Potter Daniel Radcliffe.  Also with Zoe Kazan, Adam Driver and Mackenzie Davis.    

Purple Noon (1960) 11/10/15 René Clément directs Alain Delon in this superior French version of Patricia Highsmith’s The Talented Mr. Ripley.  Recently remastered by Criterion, spoiled only by a wimped-out ending.

Animal Kingdom (2011) 9/24/15 Ben Mendelsohn plays a borerline psychopath in this Down Under reinvigoration of American gangster conventions.  Oscar nom for Jacki Weaver, career rebirth for Mendelsohn. 

Werner Von Braun: Missile to the Moon (2012) 9/3/15 Biography of the charismatic and photogenic ex-Nazi who led Germany’s V2 missile program, was forgiven, and became the face of the American lunar project in the 60’s.

The Maid (2009) 8/27/15 In this Chilean Sundance Grand Jury winner, a family retainer turns the tables when it looks like she’s going to be replaced by a younger woman.  Delicious evil star turn by famous actress Catalina Saavedra.

Mother (2009) 7/23/15 From Korean director Bong Joon-ho (Snowpiercer) – a devoted and deceptively innocuous mother stops at nothing to get her murderous son out of prison.

Freedom on My Mind (1994) 6/25/15 Oscar-nominated doc traces the violent, courageous and ultimately triumphant struggle for voter rights in 60’s Mississippi.  

Infinitely Polar Bear (2015) 6/18/15 Mark Ruffalo is in top form as a crazy but caring dad in this honest and winning first film by veteran producer Maya Forbes.

Dogtooth (2009) 6/11/15 A typically idiosyncratic festival favorite from Yorgos Lanthimos (The Lobster).  A father protects his teenage children from the world by confining them to the family estate. 

Control (2007) 6/4/15 This atypically moody rock n roll biopic about Ian Curtis, lead singer for Joy Division paints him as a doomed poet.  Impeccable performances by Sam Riley and Samantha Morton as his wife.  Black and white, directed by Joy Division photographer Anton Corbijn.   

Maggie (2015) 5/7/15 Arnold Schwarzenegger gives an surprisingly excellent, dialed-back performance as a father whose daughter is infected with a zombie virus and faces unbearable.  Post-apocalyptic, but not an action film.  

The Internet’s Own Boy: The Life of Aaron Schwartz (2014) 4/9/15 Digital-focused doc maker Brian Knappenberger hones on in programming prodigy Schwartz, who was instrumental in developing RSS, Creative Commons and Reddit, but was hounded to death after he successfully defeated the corporation-backed Stop Online Piracy Act.

Hustle & Flow (2004) 3/18/15 This Sundance breakout stars Terrence Howard and Taraji P. Henson as a pimp and his girlfriend trying to rap their way out of the ghetto, showing a lot of chemistry and foreshadowing Empire.

Claudine (1974) 2/19/15 In the heyday of Blaxploitation, Diahann Carroll got an Oscar nomination for this story of a single welfare mother who falls in love with a garbage man, played by James Earl Jones.  Music by Curtis Mayfield.

The Music of Chance (1993) 2/5/15 James Spader donned a black wig and moustache to play a hustling gambler.  But it’s not what you think.  The director is Peter Haas who went on to do Angels and Insects.  Mandy Patinkin, Charles Durning, Joel Grey. 

The Babadook (2014) 1/22/15 Mind-twisting Freudian study cloaked in a meticulously crafted horror film about a widowed mother and her troubled/troublesome 7-year-old, from first-time Aussie director Jennifer Kent.

Red Riding (2009) 1/15/15 A pre-breakout Andrew Garfield is outstanding in this unique UK TV project based on David Pearce’s serial killer novels.  Three novels, three films, three great directors, three years, three different looks (16mm; 35mm; digital) – all pulled together by screenwriter Tony Grisoni.  

Headhunters (1991) 11/20/14 From director Morten Tyldum (The Imitation Game) highest grossing Norwegian film ever.  A short and pathologically ambitious headhunter moonlights as an art thief to support his trophy wife.  Things go wrong.

Following (1998) 11/6/14 Great time to revisit Christopher Nolan’s first film.  A black and white low-budget creeper that interweaves three stories from three different time frames. 

Brothers of the Head (2006) 10/8/14 Remarkably authentic and intentionally unfunny mockumentary by the makers of LOST IN LA MANCHA follows a pair of conjoined twins who become punk rockers in 1970’s England.  

Ace in the Hole (1951) 9/25/14 Neglected and prescient film from Billy Wilder.  Kirk Douglas plays a corrupt, disgraced reporter who seizes an opportunity to go big when a smalltown man is trapped in a cave.  First time Wilder was writer, producer and director.

Stuck on You (2003) 9/18/14 Farrelly brothers cast Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear as conjoined twins who go to Hollywood.  Loaded with cameos – Cher, Nicholson, Leno, Streep.

The Devil’s Backbone (2001) 9/4/14 Early Guillermo de Toro evolving his signature mix of tenderness and phantasm.  Gothic horror set in an orphanage during the Spanish Civil War.    

Dark City (1998) 8/21/14 A man struggles with memories of his past, including a wife he cannot remember. Brilliant gothic labyrinth from Alex Proyas (The Crow; I, Robot).

THE LAST POST was originally published on FollowTheThread