#love like consumption. killing me but making other people think im alive

[rockwgooglyeyes]

Really, what CURE highlights is Ivan's sense of self- or lack thereof.

"you can break me apart"

"to quiet my fears, I'll drown in you"

"consume me, yes, me"

Maybe this is why, overall, I think Ivan wrote the lyrics more than I believe Till did. While we know Till to be a producer and lyricist, the content of the lyrics themselves are really what put that final nail in the coffin for me. I don't really believe that Till would have a desire for Mizi to hurt him, even in a romantic way. His affection for her seems far more pure than that, something where violence and injury are absent, something happy and bright where there are no worries. Mizi might be Till's reason to believe in the world and the future, as she shows him a possibility of goodness and happiness, but she doesn't seem to distract him from his own fears. In fact, his admiration of her from afar is a behavior that's an extension of his fears and insecurities, stemming from his superiority complex where people don't like him, it's because he's better than them and they know it. But not only that, adding onto that superiority complex, Till has a fear of vulnerability (or he just doesn't want to be perceived as weak) due to his traumas and I don't think that he would want Mizi to "break him apart." Then again I might be splitting hairs and I might be wrong. These are just my thoughts at the moment

Back to Ivan, though. He's . . . *sighs* his sense of self worth is pretty much nonexistent. He thinks very poorly of himself, he's part of the crowd who call him a freak and a pervert and a monster. He believes himself to be something wretched and broken, in need of fixing and yet, unfixable. He's just as afraid of vulnerability as Till is, ironically, but it's for a different reason- Ivan is afraid of laying it all bare and having someone confirm his suspicions that there's something irrevocably wrong with him. He's not insecure in the same way Till is, because he believes wholeheartedly that he's fucked up and that he's unlovable and that's how he got here. It's not Till who *needs* to love him back, or anything like that, it's Ivan that's the problem.

That's why "consume me" and "you can break me apart" and "to quiet my fears, I'll drown in you" are so utterly Ivan. Ivan would be happy to be consumed by someone he loved because that way, he's useful. He's sustaining them. He would be happy to be broken apart by someone he loves because that way, they can get their anger out on someone without any consequences, because he doesn't mind, he's happy to be the meat on their chopping block. He will use a person he loves as a distraction from his own doubts and fears because, hey, he already knows what's wrong with him but there are so many wonderful people around him, who he can help support. His problems aren't what's important because he doesn't have problems, not real ones, anyways. He can't compare to any of his friends, he has a guardian who doesn't actively physically abuse him, and he's famous. What more could he ask for?

Also I think the "sick of these nights to come" is in reference to the possibility of Ivan winning and being forced to live in a world without Till, a comparatively quiet universe. Anyayws. starred crossed doomed yaoi my belvoed. if anyone calls them toxic i will have questions because i want to know your reasoning and if i can dispute it because maybe im wrong!

[macabremoons]

When looking across vampire fiction, what traits do you personally find essential to good vampire vibes? What can't be taken away without it no longer being a vampire (in your mind, regardless of the actual lore)? Could a vampire survive on human food? Could vampirism not be transmissible? Could every vampire walk in the sun?

BOY, OH BOY I FUCKING LOVE THIS QUESTION!

I would call myself a vampire traditionalist, but that doesn't mean I don't think people can have fun with it! I think the main thing is that every change or alteration of vampiric rules should serve to support the underlying themes of vampirism in the media.

What's a good example of this? Funny enough? Twilight. Everyone makes fun of the vampires sparkling, but there's a ton of weird shit in vampire canon. People thought that it "ruined the dangerousness of vampires" but Twilight has the theme that vampires are beautiful because that's how they get to kill people. Edward is a diamond encrusted monster. This also goes to show that the themes don't have to be super deep they just have to BE THERE.

The best thing about this method of sticking to a theme is even if the vampires don't end up COMPLETELY feeling like vampires, you have a justification. I know this one anime where they had a lot of original vampire lore, and while if done differently I'd scorn it, I think it was nice! Not refreshing--I detest the idea that the concepts of vampires have gotten stale because the idea is timeless, pun intended--but an enjoyable and creative take on the idea.

I personally like the idea that vampires CAN eat food it just does nothing for them. I've seen media where eating normal food makes them sick and personally I don't enjoy it. Vampires being able to safely drink things is a good compromise, and I love the idea of vampires still drinking wine.

There are certain changes that I will not tolerate. I once read a book where vampires didn't bite people. That's fucking stupid. The-- The whole goddamn point of vampires is that they bite people. Take that away, and what the fuck are they? Fucking??? pale elves???

The sun thing is actually so interesting to me because originally vampires were just weakened by the sun, not killed by it. That's why things like Edward sparkling doesn't bother me.

Another important thing is to keep the themes of consumption and to keep the gothic elements. "What if I want to write modern vampires?" Go ahead, you just have to be careful. Think of all the vampire media that used them in a highschool setting. It IS vampires, but doesn't it feel cheap? Where's all the concern about getting eaten alive? Where's the FLAVOR? Again Twilight is an exception. Say what you want about Twilight, but Stephanie wrote Twilight genuinely. She didn't write it because she thought it'd make money, nor did she do it because it was trendy. Bitch just liked vampires, and because of that Twilight works SOOO much better than media it inspired.

The theme of consumption is so important though. Is blood drinking a metaphor for addiction, sin, lust? Is it akin to love? Do people devour each other like kisses??? Vampires were the OG tumblr post about cannibalism.

Vampirism not being transmittable... is. quirky. I guess then they would just be a species? But that takes away so much from their canon. One of the pillars of their lore is they are something once human, no more. Something so twisted, yet so similar to the idea of humanity. Vampires mirror us, at the price of never mirroring themselves.

I love going into the idea that vampires think themselves better than humans but you can SEE it in their eyes that they were human once. Their entire idea of life and power and greatness is formed by their human existence. They can't run away from it. It's like hating your inner child. OH SHITTT IM GONNA SMACK GRIMOIRE WITH THAT SO TRUE ME

Anyway thanks for this question!

[snailcare]

okay you know what?? im about to

GO OFF

i simply dont understand how people can justify the infliction of pain on any animal or insect. i am not saying this as an invitation to debate with people, im just feeling very PASSIONATE right now about how much life and individuality is in every creature. animals have personalities. they are so good. they are literally the most pure thing on earth. they are incapable of being evil, they just do what they are supposed to do. even if you have been scratched by a cat or spat on by an alpaca or devoured by a lion, they were probably just trying to protect themselves or play or communicate with you.

every living thing is an individual, even down to the littlest creatures, like snails. i have been lucky to get to know lots of snails the past year, and i can gladly say that each snail is unique. my snail rocco loves to climb more than any snail i have ever met. my snail luca loves to be pet right on his skin. my snail gordon will only eat vegetables that are green. three of my snails always end up asleep next to each other, even when i try to separate them. these dudes are so special.... and the reality is that they would be considered nothing but a disgusting pest to most people.

snailkeeping has opened my eyes to the little lives of animals and insects everywhere. they are part of this earth and it is in their nature to be loved, have families, make friends, eat, and feel safe. im told constantly that animals arent as smart as humans, so i shouldnt care about them. i dont think this is a fair argument, because we are just different from animals! they have different brains! just because they cant speak english or do calculus doesnt mean they arent smart or worth being alive. first of all, animals ARE smart. the complexities of beehives alone should be enough proof of that. but more importantly, animals feel things. when i come home from a long day of school and work, my kitten juno is so excited to see me. he runs to the door, purrs, and flops on the ground to show me his tummy. when i sleep in past 8am, he cries and cries until i get up, just because he wants me to be awake so he can hang out with me. yes, snails are different. but when they stick their heads up to look at me and are content to crawl around my fingers for hours, i cant help but feel like this is their way of being friends with me.

animals don’t deserve to die. in some cases, it is unavoidable. but i am so happy to share with you that the consumption of animals and animal products is completely unnecessary. humans can flourish on a plant based vegan diet. it is a small and simple change we can make to change the entire lives of animals. it feels so pure and good to know that your body is not a graveyard for animals. not to mention its incredible for your health.

i have looked into the eyes of animals on their way to slaughter. i have watched footage of a mother cow crying and looking for her baby who was born only to keep his mother lactating for milk production and then be killed for veal. i have also seen the sheer joy of factory farm animals seeing sunlight for the first time. i have seen pigs become the most loyal pets. i have seen how rescued animals can flourish once they are given safety and freedom. i want to extend an invitation to everyone to be more aware of the life around you, to opt for eating plants rather than the flesh of animals or the products of their misery, to avoid stepping on insects when possible, and to take an hour or two to just show affection for and spend time with your pets.

[messthatuwanted]

Do you have opinions about Liability? Bc it’s my heart and I trust you to give it the love it deserves

oh honey i have many opinions. first of all “says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm” stings so bad. How could you ever say to someone? How could you ever make someone feel that way? I wanna fight this man.  My favorite part of the song is “says it was poooooiiiiiison” because her VOICE!!!! Literally sounds like poison!!! I feel like Lorde held me down against my will and injected poison into my bloodstream with her voice as the needle and then left me there to die while she carried on with the song like nothing happened. Smh can you believe her? The nerve? The whole song actually has such a specific Lorde effect that no other singer in the entire world could have done the song like she did. Like if she had decided to give this masterpiece away for someone else to sing, the meaning wouldn’t even be the same. Anyway, “so I guess I’ll go home into the arms of the girl that I love” HAD MY GAY ASS SO EXCITED but that excitement was quickly killed when I realized the girl is herself. However it’s still a beautiful and powerful message that a lot of people need to hear. THEY say ‘you’re a little much for me you’re a liability’ but she also describes HERSELF as “so hard to please/a forest fire” and it shows that even though she’s hurt by the opinion of others, she doesn’t entirely disagree with them and that’s a bitter pill to swallow. It takes strength to find beauty in that but she did because even with her being a “liability”, her self love is the only one she hasn’t screwed up. This such a complex emotion. You know the song is amazing when I’ve been gay baited and I still stan. If you have ever had a relationship with someone that feels like you have to walk on eggshells all the time, that’s exactly what the tone, melody, and spacing of “I do my best to meet her demands, play at romance, we slow dance…” sounds like. it’s so fragile!!! It’s amazing how she was able to capture that feeling and put it into sound. It’s like I visualize her on a tightrope trying not fall every time I hear that line. But usually that feeling is in relationships with other people. But she’s talking about herself. She’s her own liability I’m so sad THIS SONG IS SO SAD WHO ALLOWED THIS TO BE FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION WITHOUT A WARNING???? “So they pull back, make other plans. I understand. I’m a liability. Get you wild, make you LEAVE" SHUT UP???? LEAVE ME ALONE PERHAPS????

I’m a little much for eh-eh-ananana-eh-eh-veryone…. CHILLS! EVERYWHERE!! this is such a nice touch I’m obsessedThe second verse….oh my god. This verse is honestly too sad to even talk about but since you insisted on opening my wounds with this ask, let’s get into it. "truth is, I am a toy that people enjoy til all of the tricks don’t work anymore. And then they are booorrrred of me” THATS SO FUCKING SAD I HATE IT I HATE EVERYTHING WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE HUMANS SO TERRIBLE TO EACH OTHERI KNOW THAT IT’S EXCITING!RUNNING THROUGH THE NIGHT BUT!EVERY PERFECT SUMMER’S!EATING ME ALIVEUNTIL YOUREgone.

THE DELIVERY! THE TEMPO! THE CHANGE OF TONE!! GOD!!! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE TO FEEL THE PAIN OF THOSE WORDS IM A DECENT PERSON I RECYCLE I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS the entire verse is almost asking people to remember that she’s a human being. Almost. But not asking because she’s been through this enough to think it’s hopeless to ask. She accepts that this is how it’s always gonna be. She understands!!! She’s a liability. I hate this goddamit I’m crying 

And did you notice the parallel with Hard Feelings? “Every perfect summer’s eating me alive” / “it’s time to let go of this endless summer afternoon” it gives a different perspective to the nostalgia in Hard Feelings where she looks back at the summer as perfect and great. But in Liability these perfect summers are eating her alive because she knows it’s gonna end anyway. So maybe she was never fully present enjoying every moment anyway? Because her fears of being a liability got in the way? I personally think this parallel speaks to how nostalgia romanticizes things and makes the past seem better than it was. But ANYWAYwhen Lorde closes the song with “They’re all gonna watch me disappear into the sun” she took me with her. This song launches my ass into the sun every time it plays. I have been robbed of every emotion I ever had. As robbed as Melodrama was for album of the year. A fucking masterpiece.

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence