#love gays talking about aliens in awe and terror like

[tothesolarium]

Staying focused is so hard. I wanna polish up the story to help me figure out the way into the next few chapters but then I get like- a third or a chapter edited and wanna go back to drawing fhdhdh

[raziroo]

Cotton Candy

Pairing: Lotor x gn!reader

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: Saying "Shit" twice

Word count: 2,076 (yay) (also, I edited this, I still need to update the word count)

Author’s Note: I'm crap at writing dialogues, and this is my first time writing for a gay couple. I'm so sorry if it seems forced or unnatural or shitty. Don't be afraid to call me out.

Story Moodboard!

It’s with a grunt of effort that I manage to lift the carton containing the cotton-candy-maker.

‘Here, dad,’ I say as my dad takes the box from my hands. ‘That’s all?’

‘Yep, that’s all of it. We’ll conquer this carnival with our delicious cotton candy,’ I nod, doing jazz hands while saying the last part. Dad chuckles. I grin.

‘Hey, Honey!’ I turn back, squinting to spot where my other dad is in the crowd of bustling people. Where, where…? Yep, there he is – in his embarrassingly brilliant sunshine yellow and bottle green striped shirt and hot pink trousers, a sharp contrast to his natural bright red hair. Don’t say that it can’t look that bright; you’ll never know just how blindingly bright bottle green can really be until you see the shirt my dad’s wearing. And trust me, he usually dresses in simpler tones; such bland tones that you’d be surprised to know he was capable of wearing colourful hues as well. It’s only that he’s very passionate about his job, and so whenever we set up a booth in fetes such as the current one, he never misses to match the shop logo.

‘Hul-lo, father dearest, how seems to go your day?’

‘Oh, quite lovely, if I do say so.’

‘Well, that’s simply charming –’

‘Alright, enough,’ my other, not redhead dad snaps with an exasperated sort of smile on his visage. You see, my not redhead, a.k.a. brown-haired dad happens to be British. And that means that me and dad would rather paint our teeth blue than to not tease him. ‘You both need to shut it and start helping me with the decorations, now. You know I’m trash at all that.’

‘Aw, now don’t get discouraged,’ I say, patting dad on the back. ‘After all, not everyone can be as blessed as me, can they?’

‘Hey, why don’t you go look around for a bit? You’ve been helping out since before I have.’

‘Yeah, he’s right, pet. You should.’

I huff, rubbing my palms on the fabric of my jeans. ‘You guys sure? I’m not tired, if that’s what you’re worried about.’

‘We’re not worried, we’re just saying you should also get a look, you know? There’s a lot of surprising booths this time around. I mean, there are aliens participating too, so…’

‘Hmm,’ I play with my bottom lip a little, then, ‘yeah, okay. I’ll be back in like, an hour? Forty five minutes? Sound okay?’

‘Sounds great.’

‘Bye, then.’ And with that, I turn on the heels of my Converse, wandering about the pretty stalls and eager children and kissy couples and aliens with curious features.

It really feels bizarre, just how astonishingly fast mankind has accepted the existence of aliens. It seems simultaneously ages and just a day before when conspiracy theorists raged all around the world, presenting baseless theories and concepts as to why and how the three-man squad on the Kerberos mission disappeared. Then came the Galra, bringing along with them global terror – because alien life, intelligent alien life existed and humanity remained oblivious all these millennia, and now they were actually attacking us. It could’ve been, perhaps even was, in some other dimension, the end of Earth. But then a defender appeared; Voltron appeared in all its glory, bringing along with it proof that however much these purple aliens claim that humans are scum of the universe, humans were, in the grand scheme of things, the ones that saved the universe too.

It feels even more puzzling to actually be on a first-name basis with the leader of Voltron; that’s right, I’m personally acquainted with Keith Kogane. It was around six months after him leaving the Garrison did I come across him. He’d been loitering around the neighbourhood, had ended up in a fistfight with some other kids, and along with that a split lip and bruised cheek. I’d been watching. When the fight ended, I (somehow) persuaded him to come along so that I could at the very least provide him with a band-aid.

Long story short, we’d bonded over how our moms were no-shows and how dads were the best and we became surprisingly close friends; the only difference was that after the death of his old man, he lived alone. I’d been adopted by my two current fathers. I told him about how when they’d initially adopted me, I was excruciatingly shy. I wouldn’t even come out of my room except meals. It was only when I came to know that they knew how to make candy floss had I timidly approached them if I could have some, because previously I’d always been grossed out at the thought of having to eat that. I’d overheard this group of kids saying that cotton candy was actually just dyed granny hair, so that’s where that came from.

I love cotton candy now. So much so, that even at the age of twenty-six, I will pout if someone takes some of mine without my permission. As if I’d ever allow them to.

Speaking of Keith, I haven’t seen him in years. We lost all contact when he turned eighteen, and then he went off into space, and even when he came back, I didn’t get a chance to meet him. I bear no ill will, though. He must have formed some close relationships. Our past friendship is comparatively much more trivial.

I spot a booth selling grilled corn. I instantly head there.

As I’m about join the crowd of humans and aliens who also want corn, a familiar call of my name leads me to pull a three sixty.

Lo and behold. Keith Kogane.

Despite him having obviously grown a lot, the face was still the same. I’m sure that, if he gets a split lip and bruise on his cheek right now, he won’t look all that different.

There’s a questioning hesitance on his features; he’s probably wondering if he’s got the right person. My pleasantly surprised smile and raised eyebrows assure him. As I step away from the grilled corn stall, I notice a motley crowd behind him; some are purple, some are holding Voltron plushies, and some look way too curious to be in a carnival. The introduction is going to be fun.

‘Keith! You're gonna live a hundred years - I was just thinking about you. But anyways, it’s – it’s great to see you,’ I say with a little giggle. ‘Though I am kind of surprised you actually approached me. The sixteen-year-old you would never.’

He smiles awkwardly in return. ‘Y – yeah… I, just… oh God, this is – I’m sorry,’ he says, his inner turmoil evident.

‘It’s all good. I know you’re shit at small talk, so… like, introduce me? Maybe?’

He nods rapidly, brows furrowed. ‘Yeah, um,’ he turns to the people behind him, telling them my name, how we met, the whole affair. I give them a wave. Most of them greet me back.

‘And, this is Shiro and Curtis,’ he points to the tall, white-haired yet young man, holding hands with a tanner guy, ‘Lance, Pidge and Hunk,’ he points to a lanky, bright-smiled guy, a buffer, kind-seeming person, and a short chestnut-haired woman who, despite wearing baggy jeans and a baggier tee, looks somehow better dressed than me. ‘Then that’s Allura, Coran, and Romelle, they’re Alteans,’ a woman with enchanting beauty and a regal aura surrounding her, a redhead who’s significantly older than the rest with an impressive moustache, and a youthful appearing girl with a big grin, ‘and Lotor, he’s Galran. The Galran Emperor, in fact.’ Lotor is a tall, lilac-skinned man with aristocratic features who shares the same cheek markings as the Alteans. Oh, and he’s unfairly gorgeous, his hair a luscious mane of white which I just know will be soft. It’s hard not to stare. You remember how I said Allura looked like royalty? Yeah, the way this man carries himself, he has the aura and visage of a God. Even in a white tee-shirt and jeans he looks way better than should be legal.

I rip my eyes away.

‘So…are Noah and Oliver here too? I’d love to see them. I mean, I never did get to thank them to permit a possible criminal to sleep in their house.’

I laugh. ‘Never mind that, but we actually sit up a stall here. I could, you know, maybe even get you guys something to eat.’

‘Free? Please don’t.’

‘It’s nothing, really, just… I don’t know, accept it as a small thank you present for not letting the planet go to shit.’

A bit of thinking. Even after a nod from Shiro, it was Lance who said yes. Good ol’ Keith.

When we reach the stall, my British dad is the only one we find there. He looks up, about to say something to me, when he notices Keith.

‘Dad. You remember Keith?’

‘Your possible criminal friend who turned out to be the saviour of the universe Keith?’

‘That Keith. He wanted to see you.’

‘Oh? Well then,’ he dusts his hands, stands up, and greets Keith. Both of them engage in a conversation.

‘You guys wanna try something?’

‘What do you got?’ asks Pidge.

‘What do we got? Um, we got chocolates, candy, marshmallows, jellybeans, tortilla chips, ice cream, popcorn – butter, cheese, caramel, peri peri – Lays, like, a lot of Lays, and the good old cotton candy. What d’you want?’

So, after providing the humans with two Cream n’ Onion Lays, a pack of tortilla chips, a double scoop of butterscotch and chocolate, a small tub of popcorn, and three cotton candy sticks, I turned to the aliens.

‘I’m assuming you guys aren’t familiar with a lot of this stuff, so you could either pick whatever looks to be good, ask your friends, or I could recommend something. What’ll it be?’

Romelle was the one who asked, ‘What’s ice cream like?’

‘It’s sweet. It’s cold. And it’s like… heaven in mouth.’

‘Ooh. I want an ice cream. The… pink one?’

‘That’s strawberry. You can eat it in a cone, or in a cup.

‘What’s the difference?’

‘Well, the cup you can’t eat. The cone is like a crispy biscuit,’ judging by her face, she didn’t know what biscuit was. ‘I’ll just give you a cone. It’s all on the house, so no worries if you don’t like it.’

I watched eagerly as she licked the ice cream. An unreadable look crossed her face. Then – ‘This is almost as good as Hunk’s cookies!’

‘Really?’ Coran asked, twirling his moustache. ‘Well, then…’ he squinted to read the names of the various flavours. ‘I would like “cookies and cream”. Yes.’ A cone of cookies n’ cream was served.

‘Allura?’

‘Do you have something that isn’t sweet?’ That was a plot twist. I’d have taken her as someone who appreciated sweeter foods.

‘We do. You want spicy?’

‘…Sure.’ Peri Peri popcorn was given and enjoyed.

And last… ‘Lotor. What would you like to have?’

It takes me a lot of will to not laugh at Lotor’s way too analytical expression. ‘What would you recommend?’

‘Me?’

‘Yes.’

‘Out of all this stuff, candy floss is my favourite.’

‘Candy floss… the item that looks simultaneously like a cloud and an old woman’s hair?’

‘Yeah.’

‘I would like a helping of candy floss, then.’

As I hand Lotor a stick of cotton candy, I wait with anticipation for his reaction.

‘How am I supposed to eat this?’

It takes me a moment to process that. ‘Uh, you just… pinch a little of the stuff in between your fingers, then eat it. Or you could just, um, go in directly, which I’m thinking isn’t really your style.’

He narrows his eyes, but follows my instructions nonetheless. Only a second after putting the stuff in his mouth, Lotor purrs.

Everyone around him, being me, Coran and Romelle (Allura’s off telling Lance how great Earth food is), looks with wide eyes and raised eyebrows. Lotor appears as if he’s just died inside. The berry-shaded blush on his face is adorable, though.

'I didn't, like, poison you or something, right?'

'No. It's that... I would never in my lifetimes have expected something so tooth-rottingly sweet to be this delicious.'

'So you're okay?'

‘Yes. In fact, I quite like… this cotton candy.’

I grin.

[popculturebuffet]

Ducktales Shadow Into Light (Lena Restrospective) Finale!: Lena In Season 3! (Commission for WeirdKev27)

Hello all you happy people and welcome to the FINAL part of my look at the life and times of Lena Sabrewing. It’s been a long and satsifying journey through the character’s rich arc and some of Ducktales 2017′s best episodes. Lena started as a tourtured but complacient teen willing to do bloody awful evil things if it meant her freedom, who through the power of love and friendship realized what she was doing wrong, that she loved Webby and turned on Magica... and after a brief stint of this going horribly wrong a magica simply just bodyjacked her, she sacrificed herself for Webby he story seemingly done. Of course it wasn’t, Disney woudln’t let them kill a teenager... fully grown lion men horrifcally decaying indiana jones style yeah, of course it’s disney, but killing a teen is where they draw the line. Point is Lena was merley trapped in the shadow realm with a bunch of those guys Yugi beat and with the help of everyone’s faviorte stoic hummingbird, freed Lena. Lena found new family in Violet.. but also found dying is easy but living is harder and had to wrestle with both her fears of turning out like Magica and Magica herself who naturally was gaslighting her to try and get the last scraps of her power back. We also took a detour or two to see where she came from: looking at both Minima De Spell and her rivalry with a 34 year pretending to be a small child, and Magica’s Shadow whose like Lena except almost nothing like Lena. We also took a look at her one comic apperance which was never released here for some reason and was incredibly disapointing. 

So yeah i’ts been one long, fun ride filled with gay subtext, launchpad’s spider sense, giant legs, movie refrences from warriors to jaws to nightmare on elm street 3: the dream warriors, toddlers who look and probably are 34, launchpad apparently huffing enough paint to damage his brain as that’s the only way to explain the terror of the terrafirmains subplot and gay subtext. I’ve enjoyed every step of the way so before I take the last one of those steps, i’d like to thank all of ya for reading this. I’ve gained at least 10 if not more followers off this series alone and I appricate all of you. I’d also like to thank Kev for directly comissioning this, keeping me in work and in x-men comics since 2020. 

As you can probably guess by the title.. this one’s a bit different. This is a combination of two things: The first is that i already reviewed “The Phantom and the Sorceress” when I was reviewing each episode of Season 3 as it came out.  My thoughts have not changed  at all so I felt redoing that review would be redudant and a waste of Kev’s money. The same goes for Split Sword, which has the extra issue of  being a three story episode with only one of the parts starring the focus of this retrospective. The second is while she shows up about the same amount as season 2, her apperances in season 3 outside of her Christmas Cameo are all more substaial outside of her two starring roles. Both COTHJSW and The Last Adventure shed some more light on our faviorite shadow and feel like natural evolutions of her character so it felt wrong to just flat out ignore them. 

So rather than do a full review of the episodes i’m just going to go into Lena’s apperances for Season 3. This way I can cover Phantom again without fully repeating myself, and fully track the last steps Lena takes as the series closes out in a fresh and hopefully enjoyable way. So join me under the cut for one last step into the shadows as we finish bringing Lena into the light. 

Challenge of the Senior Junior Woodchucks!

Challenge was one of the very first Ducktales I ever talked about on here, alongside Quack Pack, so it’s quite a trip returning to it a year later, even if i’ts just my memories of it. It’s also an excellent episode, with a great and engaging main plot and a “it’s just kind of there” subplot. 

It’s also one of the only three episodes to focus on Violet, and one of only two that focuses just on her and not on Lena in any way. It is a shame: While I love Lena as a character, I wouldn’t of just spent several weeks talking about her if I wasn’t getting paid for this retrospective or not, Violet is equally intriguing and so i’ll be taking a second out to talk about her as I really HAVEN’T gone into her character this retrospective and given how important she is to Lena and to all of us, most Lena fans like Violet just as much and vice versa. I’ll still be talking about Lena in this episode, obviously, but I feel her sister from two misters deserves some time in the spotlight too as the show only gave her three episodes, and one was more focused on Webby and Lena by design and the other we’ll get to. 

Violet is an excellent character. She speaks well and with little emotion but that’s just how she is and she’s never called out for it or insulted, something I like. Likewise she dosen’t judge others, never really batting an eye at the rest of the groups own quirks and at most being freaked out by leg huey a bit. She’s just a kind, curious, intellgent young lady. 

And this episode shows that off: We get to see her in the spotlight of her own, every bit the Woodchuck Huey is and more, but still supporting and encouring him, seeing their contest as a friendly one and putting no stakes into it as she’s failed before, she can fail again. What matters is she get back up and keep going. Her “razzing” is also just downright adorable, and nicely shows off her and Lena’s new dynamic: they’ve gone from friends to siblings, something really not shown off last time and something that wason’t confirmed on screen till now but it just works naturally, the cool and collected but chaotic underneath that lena just plays perfectly off the uttelry calm and deadpan violet. It’s a natural, perfect dynamic that they clearly had mapped out from the beggining and simply had to build up to that. 

Her genuine shock at Huey’s betryal... hurts the heart, as she genuinely thinks it’s her fault and not just my boy having a panic attack and doing something questionable. But it also shows her character.. when givne the same opprunity and no guilt for it, he struck first.. she dosen’t. She saves him because it’s the right thing to do and shows Huey she really is the bettter woodchuck.. but htere’s no shame in it. It’s okay to fail, what matters is you keep trying. And as a result despite giving Huey the opporunity to win with her.. he turns it down. She gets a deserved win, celebrating with her family and just wearing the most adorable smile. She also just has.. buckets of chemistry with Huey. I mean it was apparent to me with the whole Library Scene in Nightmare but god damn do they ramp it up with this one. They just contrast each other perfectly here, the handshake is adorable and he clings to her.. while also being hilarious “I naturlaly defer to authority!”. I will take this ship to my grave, and fully support it... that being said if you ship Huey/Boyd or all three togehter, go for it man. I do the latter sometimes. Your good. You didn’t need me to tell that but sometimes shipping discorse can get downright ugly so rather than make it a war between two ships, I just wanted to offer an olive branch for once you know? Same with Weblena. I obviously adore that ship but if you have a non-boys ship with her, tha’ts cool too. Ship what you want to.. i’m just doing me through this retrospective. 

Now back to Lena. Her apperance in this episode is really heartwarming and really nice after all the shit she’s been through. This is the first episode she’s in where NOTHING bad happens to her. No really, every apperance, even her two cameos had her suffer in some way. She spent the entire first season grappling with Magica, and her season 2 apperances trapped in a shadow dimension and nearly loosing her girlfriend to her own jealously, horrifically stalked by her abuser using her own self doubt against her, attacked by a literal tempest in a tea pot and captured by aliens. The girl has not gone one friggin onscreen break since the series started and probably not many off it either. 

Here? She just gets to cheer her little sister, proudly celebrating both her and her new dads. She gets to teach her sister to trash talk, even if that ends up backfiring a bit but she meant well. And she gets to celebrate with her family when her little sister wins. It’s all small stuff.. but it’s all things she’s NEVER had. A sibling to be proud of and support. Dads to sit with and go places with. A family to celebrate things with. This is all pretty normal stuff, but not something everyone gets to have and something Lena NEVER had even remotely. But now she’ll ALWAYS have that. A supportive loving family to give her a place to belong, and to support in turn. After a nightmarish 14-15 years of existance, she’s FINALLY allowed to just be happy without having to fight a giant monster first. 

She’s finally made it, she’s hoped and she’s waited, for the first time in her life she dosen’t feel alone. Her hearts started to heal, to know this is real, this is how it feels.. to have a home. Yes I haven’t given up on that song. And if you think this is the last time i’m going to quote a song you clearly didn’t read the review I did of the next episode. 

The Phantom and the Sorceress:

Season 3′s primary focus outside of the FOWL plot was tying up loose ends. Pretty much every major recurring episode outside of Fethry got an episode tying up their character arc and of course Lena was no exception.

You’d think with Magica no longer a threat to her and having fully accepted she’s a good person now, and having found a place to belong that Lena was done.  But while she accepted her past, that she’s not magica, and that she deserves to be happy.. she never accepted Magic as part of her despite being made of it and that’s what this episode ties up as well as the mystery of the blue aura that surronded her magic at times. 

The episode starts with Lena’s amulet, which she has back now which is the only part of this episode I don’t like as they don’t really explain why she’d take it back from Violet. But her magic keeps goofing up and making Sleepovers dangerous, and gets Scrooge grousing about how magic is bad.. only to naturally backpedal when an angry Webby points out Lena is magic. He does amend things and genuinely apologize for it, having not meant her at all and not even thinking of her as part of his hatred of the stuff. It also shows why Lena likely didn’t take him up on his offer.. with her self loathing still going she probably thought he was just pitting her and would always resent her.. when really he just geninely did not care despite his overwhelming hate of magic. It worked out granted, she found a better fit for her family wise.

But Lena hates it too.. and while she hasn’t fully brought it up before it makes perfect sense: We saw how she viewed it as dangerous and not worth the risk to bring her back in Friendship Hates Magic and Magic has brought her nothing but pain, nearly killing her on several occasions, allowing magica to fuck with her head  or directly control her and general putting the one person she cares about more than anyone in harms way. She hates what she is.. because it’s brought her nothing but pain and misery. She has ever reason to resent it..

Yet this episode is about forcing her to accept it.... to realize that Magic is part of who she is, and that it’s not inherently good or bad, it’s all about the intent of who uses it. Her last two uses of it were not made with any malice and in fact using it to pull her friends into her dreams allowed her to break free of Magica. 

And it’s perfectly done by giving her a new enemy, something I REALLY wish tehy’d done with Fenton at some point, but get why it took this long with Lena: The Phantom Blot. The Phantom Blot, like many characters in this series is HEAVILY redone: he keeps the iconic look and threat level but instead of being an operatic supervillian, he’s an anti-villian with a link to magic he never really had before. He works with FOWL sure but it’s likely because unlike the rest of FOWL he actually agrees with Bradford’s goal for a less chaotic world and his desire to wipe out magic is perfectly in line with that. 

He’s also given a backstory that perfectly parallels him with Lena: Both were created by Magica in a way and horribly abused by her: Lena mentally and phsycially, and Blot by having to suffer under her rule after he took over her family and then barely survivie as she wiped out his villiage, his family and his normal life swearing vengance on her. LIke Lena magica didn’t care about him or see him as a threat, figuring like most people who swore eteneral vengance on her he’d get swatted down like a gnat once and never return. INstead he returned again and again and again for decades, learning each time getting stronger and wiping out more magic along the way. He went from what was probably a good normal person to a vengeful vigliante dedicated to wiping out magic good or bad because he can’t concieve that it isn’t ALL bad. He’s easily what Lena could’ve become if , ironically enough she hadn’t encountered him, seeing the end result of hating something just for what it is as it tried to murder her. That hating and resenting Magic would just lead her to become as hollow and vengful as the blot, having a good cause to start.. but slowly loosing yourself to hate and anger. Letting the person who ruined your life still control it simply by focusing all your energy on hating them and people like them. 

It also gives us an interesting and painful teamup as with the boys and Scrogoe stuck in another dimension, there’s only one person they can turn to deal with Magic: Magica herself, whose resulted to depression eating pizza and the most she can do as a threat is eat the garlic Violet was wearing in case of vampires (”There now your susceptible to vampires!” is easily the best joke of the episode, from how Magica eats the garlic in one bite to her manical laugh to Violet just being annoyed rather than terrified or anything). Magica only agrees because they have a common enemy and if he sucks up her magic amulet, that’s the end of any magic she has left. 

It’s also here we learn the reason for the blue and purple color coding: Duckworld magic is indeed color coded.. but rather than be based ont he emotions used or anything.. it’s based on the user. The purple is Magica, and as we later learn Poe’s, magic, and thus Lena borrowing it via the amulet. The Blue is HER magic. Tapping into her emotions and her own inante power. It’s a nice twist I didn’t see coming but makes absolute sense in hindsight: Every time she’s triggered it.. it’s been when she’s been using her own emotions and been doing thigns for her own good, and not for anyone elses. It also explains why the Magica powers aren’t working for her or stable: their not HERS to control and thus are fighting her. 

So she trains to use her own using the time honorted traditions of montages and having your sibling shoot things at you out of a magical amulet. She grows in her talent and power and herself, even if she learns from the person she hates more and comes to accept magic.. in time to fight the Blot who misguidedly thinks harming her will show Magica the pain he felt.. even though as we learn later that ship already sailed and we already knew she cares nothing for Lena. 

But as he drains her amulet... she focuses on what she cares about... and if we didn’t already ahvea  MOUNTAIN of subtext for webby and lena her “frienddship” montage has maybe one or two shots of her sister.. and about 80 of webby. Seriously they.. they weren’t even hiding it at this poitn outside of the finale, which we’ll get to. 

And so she takes hold of her magic, no longer need the amulet to channel it and taking on her super mode! Which was highly contreversal at the time.  BUt I get why. As a transformation, ala dragon ball, and a superhero type costume it works, giving her a power and grandeur not seen before and showing she’s using all of it, giving weight to when it only shows up in the finale when she needs it most and likely would’ve given it weight any other time it showed up. But it wasn’t clear if this was her permenant look now and Frank’s response to it was to say he wanted to dress everyone up in that outfit , at the same size Lena has it, including launchpad wearing it like a cape. Which while hilarious and it was, was also blatant trolling as her return in Split Sword showed it wasn’t her default form, and they could relax. But as a form showing the apex of her power, character development and confidence, it works and has all the drama i’d expect from a form like this, reflecting the blot’s power back onto him and overloading the gauntlet and facing down Magica easily. 

It’s the perfect way to cap things off... Lena finally acccepts herslef as she is fully: she’s not evil and neither is magic.. magic is a part of her and her power is not something to hate.. but to embrace. To use to protect the world from people LIKE Magica who would misue their power to harm others or the blot who belivie her power is inherently evil. This is a lena freed from the chains of self hatred, fully accepted. It turns her story into a wonderful, beautiful story of escaping abuse and accepting yourself as who you are, that no matter what you are or where you come from, you are beautiful, you are good and you can do good. And as she flies off with her sister and girlfriend, she’s finally, fully, truly at peace with who she was who she is now and flies into the future.. and to free her girlfirends dad from another dimension. Nothing is holding her back now, no one can push her around, she’s who she wants to be, she’s the master of her, and the thoughts enough to lift her off of the ground. She and Webby are independent together and they are flying. And yes i’m linking the song again. 

But even with her character Arc Wrapped she still could support others in their own growth. Case in point:

The Split Sword of Swanstantine!

This was the vingette episode, with a pair of the kids, one from Team Magic the other from the Duck Boys, going after a piece. And while Violet’s segment is neat it dosent’ really expand on her enough for me to go into it like I did with Challenge, so i’ll only be covering the cold open and Lena and Huey’s segment. Given these two are some of my faviorites, Lena hasn’t really gotten to have any meaningful interactoins with anyone besides Webby, Violet and Magica (And scrooge but for like.. two minutes), and this bit is really creative and intresting I loved it. It also has Steelbeak so I got a nice Jason Mantzokus fix on top of that despite him barely getting to speak in this one.. and really all season. Season 3 REALLY wasted Steelbeak, only using him three times and just ignoring the whole idea of him growing more compitent with time. Maybe Frank’s saving that for darkwing duck if he gets to do that I dunno. At least Invincible and Close Enough are using the man properly so I got that. 

THe setup to the episode as a whole is comedic gold: Scrooge has taken the kids to Monocrow to find the split sword, one of the missing mysteries before FOWl.. only to then realizze in one of the best jokes of the season, after HOURS of plane travel probably that Violet and Lena had also come along having slept over and thus spending the episode in their sleep clothes. As Violet puts it in LIebe’s best delivery of the series “You said eveyrone get on the plane so we got on the plane”. So, fricking relatable. Scrooge’s awkard “Do you.. like history?” is also great, David is a treasure, as if he’s just now realizing he really dosen’t know Webby’s closest friend and girlfriend and is scrambling for some common ground so he can stop talking. 1/2′s good enough and we’re off. 

Lena and Huey’s plot, the final one of the three, likewise has a simple setup: Huey finds the sword piece.. and also Steelbeak, whose ready to punch  him some children. Lena freezes time as she can do that but can’t delay the inveitble, just give them time to plan. 

And this is a nice showcase for Huey and a nice chance for Lena to be snarky as Huey wants to try anything and everything he can do that dosen’t involve fighting as he hates it and Lena endulges him as he gets tossed around, playing on her phone while he tries dumb scheme after dumb scheme from prtending to be his dad, to his inner child, to construction to offering him a snack, to “what sword piece” while hodling the sword blade twice his side behind his back.

Lena eventually calls him on it: He can’t keep avoiding this and there’s some reason he dosen’t want to fight. The reason turns out to be he bruce bannered himself and thus has a split personality for all his agression and primal rage, the duke of making a mess,  Huey’s version fo the McDuck family anger he’s buried away and is ashamed of, hating his  more impuslive emotions due to his desire for control. 

As for how Lena impacts this.. it’s her own acceptance of the part of her she hated, her magic, that gives her the clarity to help Huey, helping him realize like her this shit isn’t healthy and to make peace with the Duke instead of fighting him and locking him away. The result is a perfect combo: a huey with all the power and strength of a mcduck, but the nuance and tactics Huey normally has to beat Steelbeak easily. Lena is impressed, a friendship is forged and we see how far sh’es come: from hating herself.. to helping others stop doing it before it gets worse. 

How Santa Stole Christmas!

All we really learn here is that she and Violet share a room and a king sized bed.. but we got that cheek smooch and I had to mention that so there you go. 

The Last Adventure!:

Like most of the main cast Lena gets a decent note to go out on, if a bit wobbly. The wobblyiness comes from two sources. The first is just a nitpick of mine; We don’t get to see the climax of her fight with the Blot alongside Manny. No really. The Blot got two spotlight episodes, his own sidekick/wife/amy sedaris, and was built up as one of FOWL’s biggest threats.. and his defeat isn’t even shown on screen for some damn reason. I feel they just ran out of time but given how important Lena and Manny were series wide and how awesome the keith david reveal was, it’s a cop out

Speaking of Cop Outs we can’t talk about this episode without talknig about the elephant in the room: Lena saying Webby “already has two sisters”, seemingly shooting down any posiblity of Weblena. I do not see it that way but do feel the two could’ve phrased it better and we could’ve gotten SOME Weblena by the end instead of none to offset this. I feel Lena’s motivations, esecpailly given the context were purely to try and placate Webby to keep her from investigating the twins further and endangering herself, not realizing how badly this wouldn’t work as Lena’s never cared about where she comes from and her past is all pain and abuse before Webby, while Webby had this gnawing at her her whole life. I do think the last episode was the WORST POSSIBLE place to put this, as it comes off as queerbaiting evne though I don’t think that was the intent. So yeah this line sucks and was poorly conveyed. 

Everything else though is thankfully excellent: Her raging frekaout at June feels warranted, as June is literally trying to cut Webby out of her life and was purposffully trying to galight webby as we find out. Her and Violet’s reason for going is also just pure awesome, pure heartwarming and pure badass, both angrily and simply proclaming when stating why their going on the final attack no fowl “It’s Webby”. Webby helped Lena become a better person and lnvoes her more than anyone else and vice versa and Webby gave Violet Friends, a sister and a life of her own. Nothings going to stop them and Scrogoe wisely backed down on that one before they strangled him. 

Her final scene is the best though: Not only do she and Violet give May and June friendship braclets but despite the earlier hostlitlity... Lena helps them with not a second though. She now understands them, gets that their like her: a being made by an evil dickhead who saw them as a tool to use and not a person and was willing to kill them the moment they were no longer useful. She too was once lost, sad and felt alone..but Webby pulled her out of that and now she’s going to be there for these two, these alterante versions of the love of her life, to give them the same support and encourages them they’ll find their home. And sure enough my boy comes by not a second later to adopt both of them. In an instnat they’ve gone from alone with only webby like Lena was.. to having a family of their own and loyal friends to stay by their sid.e 

And so Lena ends the series charing off into the wild blue with her sister and her newfound friends, the future all ahead of her, the past finally put to bed, and herself finally at peace, in love with Webby.. and with herself at long last. 

This retrospective was a wonderful time. I throughly enjoyed going through Lena’s history and being more and more impressed how much I’d missed and how it was even BETTER the second time around. This arc is Ducktales at it’s best and Lena is the finest thing they acomplished. This is easily Kimiko Glenn’s best role and really let her show off her range. Hopefully this isn’t the last we’ll see of this wonderful lesbian shadow, but as it stands with peace, love and self worth found, it’s still a good place to leave her. If she ever returns i’ll of course pick this up again, and free of charge but for now I enjoyed the ride and throughly enjoyed this retrospective. T

Thank you all so much for reading. If you liked this retrospective, please stick around. My next comissioned story arc is covering the various crossovers Lilo and Stitch did, but after that in three weeks return here for Season 2. All three arcs, All done intermidtley. Buckle up. 

Until then follow for more, and join my patreon. My next stretch goal is monthly reviews of darkwing duck and reviews of the super ducktales mini series, and after finsihing this post i’m going to throw in some extra non-duck ones! 25 is being changed up from covering Tailspin every month, to covering a Danny Phantom episode every month, and the beloved special ultimate enemy. So check that out. I may throw in some more on both 20 and 25 so stay posted. And just for joining at the 2 dollar tier you get acess to my discord server and get to pick one of the shorts for my varoius shortstaculars I do. Next one up is goofy’s birthday with Donalds in june so join now! 

ANd if you just have one speciifc episode I haven’t covered you’d like me to, those are 5 bucks a pop on commission and available via my ask box, direct messages on here or discord at technicolormuk#6550 and until the next rainbow i’ts been a pleasure

[themesozoicsperm]

Another 5 underrated Halloweeny cartoons

Last year I make post like this about 5 very obscure spooky cartoons that needed more love. This time Im gonna talk about some cartoons that are quite known but could also be more popular. As I said last year, if like me, you wanna watch every cartoon in existence, here are some 5 underrated cartoon series to watch in halloween.

1) The Real Ghostbusters

This one was actually one of the most popular things back in the day, and to this day you may find some remains of its once huge fandom lurking on the Internet, but the idea of this post is to make new people interested in it, specially young ones.

As you may know, most 80s cartoons were practically long commercials for selling toys and this was no exception, HOWEVER, the execution here was so great you easily forget it. Sure it was quite cheesy at times and the script got worst past the first couple seasons (this because some of the best writers quit after some pretty terrible and misogynist decisions the producers made), but trust me, the main reason to watch this is because it was WACKY as hell. Some scenes really catch you off guard, you don’t expect a lot of things to happen, either because the writers were master minds... or they just didn’t care and wrote the first thing that came to their minds.

And then, there is also the ghost designs. Just look at those things in the image above! What the hell are those supposed to be? the ghost of aliens? They dont look like death people at all! There are so many good ideas in this show that are incredibly inspiring, specially if you like to design creatures like me. And the animation for its time was pretty cool too!

I would also recomend the sequel show, Extreme Ghostbusters, which was a pretty good follow-up and also counts with wacky creatures designed by the amazing Fil Barlow!

2) Aaahh!!! Real Monsters

Another one that was pretty popular back in the day, basically Nickelodeon’s gold mine along Rugrats and Ren & Stimpy. This one also had a lot of incredible monster designs so full of personality and an incredible voice cast that goes from Charlie Adler to Tim Curry himself. At least for me this show seriously did better work recreating “monsters as a kid would imagine” than Monsters Inc or Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends.

The Gromble specially steals the show with its Dr. Frank-N-Furter-like personality, every single of his lines could be your seniour quote. Really so much thought in these creatures, making multiple gags about their appearances or abilities, rather than just being randomly designed monsters.

Is kinda sad that modern shows wouldn’t try an artstyle like this, specially because people nowadays would label it as “too ugly”.

3) Garakuta or Mr. Stain on Junk Alley

A pretty obscure one! Shall have probaly saved it for another list? Anyway, a lot of you may know Popee the Perfomer, a creepy cartoon by Ryuji Masuda that usually makes into “topz 10 mast disturbenz car2ns lol”, and it was indeed pretty unsettling. But before that one Mr Masuda make other interesting cgi projects that really deserve some recognition too.

One of those was Garakuta (also know as Mr Stain on Junk Alley), and used to air on Adult Swim (at least where I live >:( ). It consisted in short 10-minute episodes about a hobbo living an alley full of garbage as well as a lot of creepy crawlers. It may wasn’t really “halloweeny” or “spooky”, but at least half of the episodes revolved around scary stuff and creatures, but somehow always fnishing in a funny gag or almost ghilbi-like tear jerking ending. The uncanny 2000s cgi just adds to the creepy factor, aswell as being a silent show with no dialogue at all adds to the “classic fairy tale” feel.

I do actually consider this one an anime since is totally japanese ^^.

4) Making Fiends

Oh god! one of the saddest ones! And not because of the show itself but because of the story of its production. Basically, this one started as a series of internet shorts by Amy Winfrey on early 2000s, you know, the time for internet stuff like this (ie: Salad Fingers). Nickelodeon noticed it was kinda popular so decided to buy the rights to young and inexperienced Amy and make a full series. It sadly didn’t do well enough, and as is law on Nick: if its not a inmediate sucess... them cancel it and replace it for more crappy sitcoms or moar Spongebob. Poor Amy was left alone with no work and not being able to make more Making Fiends on Internet since the rights didn’t belonged to her anymore.

The premise is basically what the title or theme song tells you: a Mandy-like girl called Vendetta has a whole city scared under her control, she has the ability to make creatures that follow her orders and like to terrorize the citizens, but then another girl called Charlotte came, with a totally opposite personality to Vendetta she tries to be everybody’s friend, and of course, worlds collide! Unlike other shows of this kind, Charlotte doesn’t try to make Vendetta a “good” person, she is just being herself while Vendetta is also being herself, 2 different queens wanting to rule their world in 2 different ways.

At least the show kinda generated a little cult following with time!

5) Warau Salesman

I already talked about one anime here so lets talk about another! Literally meaning “The Laughing Salesman”, this show got a little more popular this year after some review on youtube came sometime ago. However, IT CAN BE MORE POPULAR RIGHT!???

As practically every other show on the list, this one is also episodic, which is kinda weird for an anime, isn’t it? It just doesn’t tell a continuous story, is more like... gotta quote that one review... The Twilight Zone, every episode we know about some random person who wants something in life, till sometime its complaints are heard by this humble gentleman called Moguro Fukuzou, who promises to solve all his/her problems free of charge!!! Just... do exactly what he says, really...

We really never know what’s the deal with this guy, the main attraction, the show itself, is he a demon? just a horrible person? what are his ambitions? is he actually evil or just like to do awful pranks?

This show actually actually got a decent remake recently! but didn’t do good since an anime that is not about school teenagers with superpowers is not profitable these days.

PS: this is one of those anime that I would actually consider “adult” since most of its episodes revolve the adult working life, alcoholism, money, taxes and how hard the life of the average japanese businessman is.

Let’s finish with a bonus of some specials mentions that also deserve a watch, may talk about some of these shows in the future!

Martin Mystery, The Drac Pac, Gravedale High, Mr Meaty (mostly gross and unsettling than spooky), Monster Farm, Toonsylvania, Hilda, Victor and Valentino, The Funky Phantom, Legend Quest, Creepy Crawlies (1987), Gegege no Kitaro and of course YOUR SUGGESTION HERE and the Moomins, yeah THE MOOMINS, because 1) is not really underrated, became pretty popular again this year after the new series premiered and 2) While most tumble talks about how the 90s show was pretty cute and how gay Snufka and Moo-man were and all that...

the show itself wasn’t always cute...

[ask-anyone-from-the-tick]

Bellow the cut are my spoilery thoughts after watching season 2 of the Tick

I’m kind of glad Dot turned out to have a super power because being the only hero with no powers is sort of Arthur’s whole thing. I also like that she didn’t outshine Overkill and just step over him, but still looks up to him a bit and appreciates his approval. They feel like equals, and he’s still an awkward turtle socially.

THEY WERE SO CUDDLY AND AWKWARD ON THE COUCH, Overkill is def the kind of guy who can’t move if there’s a pet on his lap. He’s so soft I can’t...

I LOVE that we get to see more of Joan and her relationship to her family, she’s awesome and I love and support her. She’s just doing her best, and I hope those lobster babies come to visit.

Superian and Larry’s relationship continues to baffle me just a bit. Larry seems to just be a willing servant to cater to his whims I guess. I kinda hoped they were more buddy buddy than that. Apparently it makes Superian feel better to toss him way up and catch him lawl

The way Hobbs reacted when Tick broke the arm wrestling machine thing makes me wonder if Tick is actually the strongest superhero in the world, maybe second only to Superian ??? Or at least the strongest ever registered with AEGIS.

I really, REALLY like Sage. He’s fantastic. He’s also really attractive, is it just me? DAT VOICE THO. [take me on a wild nipple ride! jk omg I’m sorry]

That twin woman who was impressed with Arthur’s nerdy organization came off as REALLY OBVIOUSLY flirting with him, and his reaction was to just shrug it off like he wasn’t in to her, even though she was gorgeous, and Tick immediately picked up on it that she was flirting and got DEFENSIVE AS HELL like she was taking Arthur away and I just-- that’s pretty gay guys. That’s really... wow. And then she comes back and continues to hit on Arthur and he never once acts like he’s in to her, I don’t... I don’t know what to say but if Arthur suddenly starts pining over her in season 3 out of no where I’m gonna kms [not because he’s not gay but because it’s pretty clear he’s not interested in this woman. Don’t establish this and then force romance after we’ve seen there’s none.] Also when Arthur was picking out fancy clothes Tick had REALLY specific fashion descriptions and opinions on what looked good on him. He was like enjoying Arthur modeling clothes ajdlfdjas

Someone needs to draw Overkill being lovingly rescued by dolphins STAT

I honestly, unironically, think Edgelord’s entire look is cool and he’s very handsome. I think he looks like if Johnny Depp and Adam Driver had a baby.

SUPERIAN FEARS THE TUMBLRS. We’re his kryptonite. 

Dangerboat... plane... whatever he is, kinda deserved a little more attention toward the last half of the season. The episode centered around him was the most emotional and it brought everyone together more, I really dug that. It made me cry. ALSO WE STAN MICHAEL, HE WAS TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD. I’m so proud of Arthur for seeing Dangerboat more as a person and making an effort to connect to him as a friend. <3 good job Arthur-- at the same time--

I HATE they way Arthur acted like Dot has a specific thing she should or shouldn’t be that was out of character. It’s like the writers wanted the female character to undergo some sort of oppression to rise up against, some form of misogyny from her male family member that she had to point out. You shouldn’t have to tear down a good character because he’s male, to make the female look good. If misogyny was gonna come out of Arthur, let it come out another way other than “this isn’t want you’re supposed to do” like mother fucker, she’s been taking care of you your whole life, she’s done martial arts training, she’s a paramedic, she is way more qualified than you. He’s the last person to talk that way to anyone and it’s pissing me the fuck off. He’s the one struggling with mental illness and no phyical ability to fight anyone, it makes no sense.

Arthur’s actor Griffin Newman, he just does such a fantastic job. The whole undercover scene was so perfectly on pitch, like... just the right level of second hand embarrassment and pride came outta me. He was so close to  blowing it because he’s an anxious person by nature, but he pulled it off and came off more as just an awkward criminal with tons of money that was just believably nerdy. I loved it, it was so funny. Please give him all the awards. And that scene where Tick is on one side of Lint, way too close to her, and Arthur is on the other, and they just work her forking nerves was so hysterical. I died. I think they need to play up that comedic chemistry more often because Tick and Arthur bounce off each other really well when they’re not busy trying to solve serious problems. 

Ok so the whole human furniture thing caught my eye immediately. The pose we are first introduced to is an infamaously disturbing pose by a real life serial killer who ate people and posed their bodies in weird positions and used them for sex and I forget what else. Anyway I tried to brush that off as coincidence, but then later on Dot and Overkill go to where they think this Duke guy’s lair is, and his house looks exactly like John Podesta’s house that had a statue of that EXACT same serial killer’s victim in that pose, and podesta’s walls were covered in creepy pedo art of little girls and drowning women. And the walls of Duke’s lair were covered in creepy human furniture art. I mean there are all kinds of parodies this season that are in your face, but I don’t think anyone who didn’t follow pizzagate carefully would catch this one.

Speaking of parodies OMFG I lost it when Superian reenacted that Superman scene where he’s like “Can you read my mind?” as he’s dragging the screaming guy across the night sky. 

Ugh, I’m so sad that Tick and Arthur don’t get to keep those precious baby lobsters, and where did they get all the cute toys?? I wanna think Joan picked those up for them. Kawaii lobster voice: “Joaaan!” Tick is such a good dad...  A family can be a giant Tick man, a moth boy, a hobo, a mimaw, and a bunch of singing lobsters. "SHE'S THE MOTHER OF OUR CHILDREN!" Tick drinks respect woman lobster mom juice.

I think I don’t know what to make of the reverse Green Goblin twist going on with Ms. Lint. The creepy voice is telling her to become a hero I guess, but not really? I think the joke is we think it’s telling her to be a hero, but really it’s teaching her to be a  better villain LMAO

I’m glad kevin has a power and he was welcomed to come help even before said power was revealed.-- woah wait where tf is Karamozov?? I gotta tweet his actor he loves this show and he wasn’t in this season ???

I don’t blame Dot for being upset they want to defrost The Terror, but at the same time due process is a thing. I don’t know how that would work in a society full of super powers though. Because the moment you defrost him he’s going to find a way to escape. He’s the oldest, and the worst super villain of all time. This is why I’m ok with the death penalty and killing villains lol

I was expecting Walter to be some sort of MK Ultra sleeper agent, but the plot twist was, that’s what Overkill would become I guess. And Lobstercules. OH BTW I think she’s voiced by the same actress who played Captain Liberty in the old Tick sitcom! “Walter isn’t Walter? My feet don’t feel so good.” Aw Tick

Ty Rathbone drinks respect mothers juice.

Acting agent commander doctor agent Hobbs, honestly I suspected he was the main villain like the moment he was headed toward Lobstercules because something about the lighting and the camera work seemed to telegraph that.

I bet the reason Ty Rathbone feeds his black hole heart monster mice, is because it requires frequent blood sacrifice and that's the smallest sacrifice he can think of that he can quickly just put in there and placate it and go on with his day. I don’t know if he’ll be season 3′s villain or if it’s the aliens that just came back to reclaim Superian. 

Which btw, I called that shit from season 1 episode 1. Superian showed up crash landing inside Big Bismuth which is the only thing that could trap him. He was a prisoner, probably because he did some bad shit, and he told Arthur he helps humanity because he just wants to be a good person. Like he wasn’t one before and now he wants to try to be one.

I want to talk about these, nearly involuntary dance parties Overkill rewards himself with... but I uh... I still can’t compute that that’s actual canon. That that’s a thing Overkill and Dangerboat enjoy together and he... he can’t seem to control himself when the music plays... And also that Dot AND Overkill both know how to floss dance... I just... wow...

Oh and that hug with Overkill made me an emotional mess, he just... he really needed that, thank you Dot.

This concludes my rant and ramble.

[mallowmarshstan]

Early Blooms and Late Blooms

A little one-shot (possibly) of the puberty headcanon I had (and so did another Tumblr user have an au similar ! :D ) 

Craig starts puberty early and before everyone else in the class. Craig faces the difficulties of puberty with Tweek by his side. Tweek, on the other hand, is a late bloomer.

It was the September of 6th Grade when everyone noticed a change in Craig. His face had been speckled in pimples, his hair under his hat became greasy, an onion-y odor seemed to follow him around, and his already tall height shot up even more. Craig’s parents had already sat him down and gave him the talk of the birds and the bees.

Laura Tucker looked at her eldest child sitting on their couch. “Well, Craig, you’re of that age now where changes happen.” “What kind of changes, Mom?” Craig asked flatly, he had already taken notice of everything going on with his body. Obviously. It was his body.

Laura shifted uncomfortably and sighed. She knew having a son would mean she’d have to give him the talk. She just never expected it to be so soon it felt like. She imagined her son sitting on the couch as the same little boy who begged for a guinea pig for his 6th birthday. 

“You know, Craig, with your body and the changes you’re experiencing…..Thomas, YOU tell him! You’re the man!” Laura glared at her tall husband.

“Why the hell should I tell him?! YOUR mom was the nurse!” Thomas Tucker’s eyebrows furrowed. The topic of puberty being a touchy subject for everyone.

The Tuckers began to argue and flip each other off. Craig quietly went upstairs to avoid his parent’s screaming match. It was normal for them to argue and yell but probably not normal for other families. At least that’s what Craig thought. He knew Kenny’s parents would beat the shit out of each other. The Tucker’s fighting never got that bad though. 

Laura yelled up the stairs after her only son. “Craig!! From now on if Tweek spends the night he’ll have to sleep on the floor!! I don’t want any funny business, Mister!”

Funny business?

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Days at school was a living hell for Craig. The other boys teased him and the girls avoided him like the plague even though he was gay. Everyone knew that.  Craig was in a committed relationship with Tweek Tweak. Craig didn’t give a fuck what people thought of him. It was a natural thing for the body to do at a certain age. And if anyone didn’t like it they could fuck off. Especially Stan and those assholes.  

Tweek didn’t mind his boyfriend’s change because, for the most part, Craig was still the same Craig.  He was still the same monotone nasally voice black haired beauty he loved. Craig still was there to calm Tweek down when he got too freaked out or when he got too angry at something. At lunch, Tweek still sat next to Craig. Craig’s friends, Clyde, Token, Jimmy, and Jason ignored him until he invested in some deodorant. They hoped it was soon. So, they sat at another table. Tweek figured if Craig could handle his panic attacks and coffee breath, he himself could handle Craig’s body odor. It was awful though. Tweek could not deny that.

Tweek sat next to his boyfriend and looked at him adoringly. “Craig? Can I -NGH- ask you something? Jesus, don’t be mad!”

“Yes, Tweek?” Craig looked up from his bag of chips.

“Are aliens laying eggs in your face? And that’s what those red blotches are?” Tweek scooted away from Craig just a bit.

Craig rolled his eyes and glared at the twitching blonde and said nasally. Aliens in his face? He wondered what went on inside Tweek’s head.

“No, Tweek. Aliens are not laying eggs in my face. They’re called pimples. It’s normal for puberty. You’ll get them too.”

Tweek’s jaw dropped a little. “Puberty?! I thought we weren’t supposed to get that until later on?!”

“I must have started early,”, Craig shrugged, “By the way, my parents said that when we have our sleepovers we can’t sleep together. You have to sleep on the floor. But, I’ll take the floor. You can take the bed.”

“Why can’t we sleep together anymore?! Did I do something wrong? OH GOD!” Tweek’s hand reached for his hair to pull at.

Craig caught his boyfriend’s hand in time and held it. Craig knew exactly why his parents told him not to sleep in bed with Tweek. His body had started going through strange changes. Craig blushed at the thought of what had happened a few times at night and how he woke up with sticky sheets. Instead of answering Tweek’s question and going through a big awkward explanation, Craig simply shrugged.

Lunch was silent after that, except for the strange noises Tweek made. Craig was used to it though. When he first met Tweek it annoyed him but he quickly found them endearing.  Craig kept looking over at his boyfriend and couldn’t for the life of him find anything sexually appealing about him. He was cute and adorable but not sexy. Tweek was attractive but Craig had no desire to try anything more than just hugs and kisses with his boyfriend. Tweek and Craig had watched porn together a few times but it was weird and they both agreed they could never do what the men on the screen did. That was before Craig started puberty and even now that he had started puberty he still couldn’t imagine Tweek that way. It was already weird that Tweek only came up to his shoulder now. Craig had always been tall but now this was just ridiculous.

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On Fridays, Tweek and Craig had sleepovers at the Tucker’s. Their sleepovers crept into Saturdays and almost Sunday nights. Tweek’s parents were too tired from the busy week at the coffee shoppe to host a sleepover.  It was always the Tucker house where they had their sleepovers. The Tweaks creeped Craig out and he just knew something was off about Richard Tweak. Craig just couldn’t put his finger on it.  Plus, Craig hated coffee and that’s what the Tweak’s drank with every meal. How Tweek’s kidneys hadn’t shut down yet baffled Craig.

Tweek sat in Craig’s room and looked into Stripe the guinea pig’s cage. This was Stripe #8.  Tweek’s blonde freshly wet hair from the shower flatly sat on Tweek’s head. It was similar to when South Park went through their metrosexual phase and Craig had to hold Tweek down to gel his hair down. Craig and Tweek used to sneak and take showers together to save on the hot water but since Craig started puberty that was a real no-no. Back then it was different. Craig missed those days.  Tweek was curious about what Craig’s body looked like now but was too freaked out by it all to suggest a shared shower.

Craig came up behind his boyfriend silently from his own shower and gently placed his hand on Tweek’s shoulder. “Isn’t she beautiful?”

Craig’s voice cracked.

“WHAT THE FUCK!!,” Tweek threw his arms in the hair and shook uncontrollably, not realizing that it was his lovely boyfriend behind him and not a robber.

Craig quickly spun the computer chair around so Tweek could face him. He had known better than to sneak up behind his boyfriend. “Babe, calm down. It’s me. My voice cracked.  It’s still me. Calm down.”

Tweek’s greenish hazel eyes were wide with terror and one twitched, he was breathing heavily and his face was white as a ghost. Craig held his boyfriend close to his chest and gently rocked the smaller boy’s body. Tweek slowly stopped twitching and relaxed in his boyfriend’s arms.

“That scared me.”

“I know.”

------------------------------------------

Later that night Craig had set up pillows and blankets on the floor of his bed. He insisted Tweek take the bed. Craig honestly didn’t want to sleep on the floor but he didn’t want Tweek to wake up with a puddle of stickiness on his lower back. Not only would that be awkward and embarrassing but Craig was certain Tweek would freak out and claim that he was probed in the night and an alien left fluid on him. Something along those lines. Craig never knew that odd thing Tweek would come up with next. Craig got onto the floor and looked up at his bed with the space sheets, the Red Racer ones were in the wash. Thank you, puberty.

Tweek finally spoke. “Craig? Please, can we cuddle? My room has a night light and yours’ doesn't. And it’s scary and what if-”

“No, Tweek. You’ll be fucking fine. Goodnight,” Craig cut his boyfriend off. His hormones had made him very easily annoyed and with a certain twitchy paranoid blonde around him always, he was like a firework ready to explode sometimes. He didn’t want to be harsh to Tweek but it was already bad enough he was sleeping on the floor. He was exhausted from school. He just wanted to go to bed. With or without Tweek at his side. Craig knew he could be stubborn and now was one of those times. 

The rest of the night Craig was kept awake with the sniffles and whimpers of his favorite blonde.

-----------------------------------------------------

“What do you mean you’re not going to spend the night again?” Craig asked as he watched Tweek pack up his clothes into his backpack. Tweek was still in his pajamas but had pulled on his sneakers.

Tweek whirled around and looked up at Craig. “You made me cry last night! And you didn’t even care! -NGH- You asshole!”

“You’re being a child. Just stay and eat breakfast and see what happen!,” Craig frowned and reached for Tweek’s backpack.

The blonde jerked away from his boyfriend and walked to the door. “Just because you’re a puberty monster doesn’t mean I’m a fucking child, CRAIG.”

Craig rolled his eyes and followed Tweek, “Babe… I’m sorry and I love you.”

“I love you too,” Tweek stopped in his tracks and smiled a little. Those three words were all he needed to hear to ease his frustration.

----------------------------------------------

That night after watching movies and eating pizza, Craig and Tweek sat in Craig’s room. It was odd because things were still strained between them.  The Tuckers didn’t drink coffee in their house and that made for an irritable and cranky Tweek. Normally Tweek could bring a few thermoses of coffee with him but this time he forgot.

“I’m tired,” Tweek finally said with a yawn.

Craig stood up, “Yeah, me too.”, He looked down at his favorite person in the world and smiled a little. He did miss cuddling with Tweek last night. Tweek was like a human hot blanket and Craig got cold easily.

“Well...goodnight then,” Tweek got into the bed and much to his surprise Craig followed him.

Craig wrapped his arms around Tweek. “Goodnight, honey. Don’t tell my parents.”

“BUT I THOUGHT!!” The coffee-addicted Tweek shot up and gripped the sheets.

Craig pressed his lips to Tweek’s to hush him up and slowly pulled away with a shhh. Tweek stayed quiet and nodded. Kisses always made Tweek silent.

“It’ll be okay. Just don’t tell my parents,” Craig assured Tweek. Although, he was unsure of his own words.

Tweek nodded and curled himself close to Craig’s body and gently stroked his black-haired boyfriend’s side until he fell asleep. Craig held his precious yet feisty Tweek close and looked at his face loving and slowly fell asleep.

Much to Craig’s surprise, Tweek thankfully didn’t wake up to alien probing liquid on his lower back.

--------------------------------------

Months passed and sure enough, the other boys in the class started puberty.  The classrooms smelled like petting zoos and onions. The only person who seemed to be left behind in the puberty was dear Tweek. Even Butters surpassed Tweek. The girls got breasts and each became moody one a month. The boys had deep voices that cracked and sometimes put books over their laps in the middle of class. The other students would knock Tweek down in the halls. Tweek was naturally tiny but now he was an easy target. He wanted to stand up for himself but he figured it wasn’t any use. Craig defended him though, like a good boyfriend.  Tweek knew Craig was easily annoyed by him so Tweek tried to keep his paranoia to himself. It didn’t work. Craig still had his monotone nasal voice but just a few octaves deeper. Tweek didn’t understand why he hadn’t started puberty. He was almost 14 and nothing had happened. He longed for pimples and body hair growth. Craig had awkwardly told him about the weird dreams and waking up with puddles of stickiness on his sheets. It was an odd subject but Tweek wanted to know everything about it. And just because Tweek was his favorite person, Craig told Tweek everything about his wet dreams.

The other boys in school would brag about how many times a week they would masturbate. The biggest asshole of the class, Eric Cartman, would sometimes pop his pimples in the direction of his frenemy Kyle and had the goop hit him.

“You fucking asshole, Cartman!” Kyle yelled.

Tweek looked around the classroom to take in everyone’s different bodies. There was Craig who shot up to 6′0 and seemed to be growing every day. He shaved regularly so he had a fresh face but still had pimples. Clyde had gained weight and stood at about 5′8, he had a few acne blemishes from his food choices but his father got him Accutane.  Wendy was stunning. She was slim but kept her dark hair short. She had zero pimples but refused to shave her body hair as a statement. Her boyfriend, Stan, was grossed out by the idea at first but stayed with her. Stan, himself, was covered in leg and arm hair and a weak mustache on his upper lip which his dad would joke that he must have been hit with dirt. Kyle had zero pimples, much like Wendy, and seemed to be short compared to his friends. His body hair was red and everyone called him fire-crotch. Eric Cartman was a whopping 280 and about only 5′7. His face was covered in acne and he was trying to grow a neckbeard. He smelled like Cheeto dust and ham farts. Kenny was long and lanky and stole razors from the pharmacy to shave his body and face. Token’s voice had deepened and it was smooth. Nearly every girl crushed on him. He was tall, dark and handsome. Jimmy, as well, was handsome. With only a scattering of acne on his forehead. His stuttering voice was cracked regularly. Bebe was one word: thicc. Then there was Butters. Butters was still as sweet and naive as he had always been, just 6 foot tall.  Tweek ignored most of the girls and their physical accomplishments because they didn’t interest him. Only Wendy and Bebe did. Wendy was a friend of his and Bebe was his cousin. Tweek seemed to be a kitten in a group of lions. 

--------------------------------

“You’re just a late bloomer, honey,” Mrs.Tweak would say as she poured coffee into her son’s mug, not realizing that the coffee had stunted her son’s growth.

“Don’t worry about it, babe. You’ll go through puberty eventually. Remember what Mulan’s dad said to her? The late blossoms bloom the most beautiful or something? That’s gonna be you,” Craig would say monotone as he gently ruffled his boyfriend’s hair, unsure of what to do with Tweek without it being awkward and uncomfortable for the both of them.

“You know, son, I was a late bloomer myself. Late, like the pansy flower who, with proper care, will bloom late into the year. The pansy beautiful and soft like out mild blends here at Tweak coffee. Coffee that is gentle like the cool breeze on an autumn day,” Richard Tweek would say leaned against the kitchen counter as he drank his mug. Comparing the situation to a pansy flower did not help at all.

------------------------------------------------------

It was frustrating for Tweek to walk in the hallways holding Craig’s hand and all the other kids being at least a head taller than him. It was also frustrating that he came up to almost everyone’s shoulders and the general armpit area. After gym class really fucking sucked.

“Hey, babe? Is that a zit?” Craig leaned down with a smile to examine Tweek’s face, “Holy shit! It is!”

Tweek brightened up and smiled, exposing a few gapped teeth. “OhmyGod! Craig! A pimple? Does that mean?”

“Babe, I think you’re about to start puberty!” Craig put his hands on his boyfriend’s face and felt around for more.

Sure enough, Tweek started puberty soon after and Craig and Tweek faced the awkward struggles of puberty together.

----

also did you notice I really suck at punctuating dialogue? 

[tube-thoughts-blog]

Vol. 10

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Killer Couples: Toybox Killings *An interstate prostitute escapes from a Truth or Consequences, New Mexico "rape dungeon" after being held hostage by a near retirement park ranger party animal and his much younger but still nearing middle aged yet still a white trash party girl at heart lover and willing accomplice. Oxygen network thrives on this kind of investigative murder porn, but gives mixed signals when the show's main sponsor is Oxygen's previews for a feel good family sitcom featuring Damon Wayans.* either zero or 2 stars

Breaking Greenville: You Are Now Safe *An orange tanned, obnoxious news anchor goes weird on the air and starts having a midlife crisis while talking inappropriately to the viewers about his pending divorce. The same guy brings together his news crew, in his small apt, to give them facial masks and it gets surreal looking at newspeople being reality tv stars buying for fifteen minutes of fame with these strange painted faces. Then, a nerdy meteorologist gives an awkward report from a tornado bunker, followed by a spunky morning reporter trying her hardest to be serious for a story of a church burning. A news veteran, with a walrus mustache, gives the spunky reporter advice, while inhaling a chocolate covered donut, to cover more stories about happy topics like food.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Crossballs, the debate show: Plastic Surgery, Nip-pocalypse *Put a bag over your head, if you must, but don't put a butterfly tattoo on your ankle.* close to 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: Season 1 Episode 12 *"There's nothing like being part of the team. That feeling that you're just an insignificant part of a much larger scheme." All for one and one for all. You can't handle the truth or pull the sword from the stone. "Human flesh is the ultimate fun food."* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Look Around You: Ghosts *They're there in their room.* close to 3 stars

Hippies: Muddy Hippies *Pitching a tent with the socialist state, landing in doo doo, and selling out to the bank.* 2 1/2 stars

The Gong Show with Dave Attell: Season 1 Episode 4 *The original Gong Show had acts more absurd and interesting than 20 something hipster nerd that's kind of good at yo yo or stripper catholic school chick lesbo act that's entertaining only at bachelor and frat parties.* running from 1 to close to 2 stars

=== Ghosts Adventures, Aftershocks with Zak Bagans: Zozo

*D-bag Zak puts on a sports jacket over his muscle shirt to give some former haunted people, from the show, a bit of paranormal therapy, Dr. Phil style.

The poor sap on this episode gets hammered with accusations that his conjuring of a demon via a oujia board (available at toy stores and gag gift shops in malls nationwide) led to his ex-wife having an affair with the nasty spirit and to her current stay in jail.

You can't make this stuff up. Oh, wait... you can, and they did, and it's as laughable to watch as it sounds.

Also, and I'm not making this up, there's some kind of contention, that needed to be explained by host and guest, about said lady's crotch odor actually not being her fault and instead was a sulfur smell from the pits of hell.

No kidding.*

1 star

-----------------------------------------

---- 12:01 Beyond --- Episode #5 --- Love Is Sex Misspelled ---------

*RKO cartoon - Cupid Gets His Man: An all out Cherub amorous assault on an old maid and an old bachelor.* 2 stars

*Old school, praise-filled promo for the cult classic Dr. Caligari 1989.* 3 stars

*Mr. Lobo sends one out to the lovers who like to "cop a feel."* 2 1/2 stars

*"Eavesdrop on America's darkest secrets." Intimate Secrets "Adults only. $2.00 per minute. Classic sleazy 900 number phone service.* 3 stars

*Ninja the Mission Force - "N" Is For Ninja: "Keep your money in your shoe." and your heart off your pajama sleeve.* close to 3 stars

*Super retro anti-drug cartoon circa late 60s or early 70s from Hanna Barbera.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures Serials - The Crimson Ghost in Chapt. 5 'Flaming Death': Collision course on a collision course.* 2 stars

*Ballroom Dance Floor (interesting music video inspired by the Great Gatsby.* 2 1/2 stars

*Grindhouse trailer showing an "Oath of Green Blood."* 2 1/2 stars

*Mr. Lobo romances a potted plant.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

*A big costume heart shows up and sings to Mr. Lobo and his potted lady.* 2 1/2 stars

*Tom Sizemore in "Bad Love": Tom is Lenny -a lowlife, jealous, pathetic, controlling, abusive, mostly terrible lover/boyfriend to this short-haired city chick, who could do much better but is too dumb to try, in a saxophone and soft piano filled skid row setting softcore sex in the mid 90s romance flick.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Videotape advertisement for satellite signal descrambler to have "American eXXXtasy" available to all those using a video cipher 2 for only a few hundred bucks. Get all the porn you want, same as an average schmoe in a trucker hat and a plaid shirt.* 3 stars

*A colorized King Kong goes car shopping for a Volkswagen to haul his captive sweetie around in a 1960s or early 70s car advertisement.* close to 3 stars

*Mr. Lobo can't get any privacy or satisfaction from the invasive Heart mascot, a cloud of poisonous urinal cake gas, or a post-apocalyptic plant lady mishap.* 2 stars

*Classic TNT Monstervision theme song, sung by Joe Bob Briggs, intro video where Joe Bob can't get any love from the hot, white trash bimbo TNT "Mail Girl."* 3 stars

*"Red Nightmare": Jack Webb stands on suburban street corners, staring into windows, abducting family men, who won't get in line and act like a good American, sending them to Soviet society where their freedoms are stripped away. Jack Webb is too ignorant to see the irony of his own thoughts and actions.* 1 star

*Superman in "Jungle Drums": "Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!" Superman saves Lois from stereotype African savages who are trying to sacrifice her for not spilling top U.S. Navy ship location secrets to the savages' Nazi overlords." 3 stars

*"Women fear being raped, but it's double the fear if it's in outerspace and by aliens." in this grindhouse quality trailer for "Insemenoid."* 3 stars

*Colorful, quirky, scale model filled XXX outerspace adventure with horny space women, Harry Potter look-a-like with his Hogwarts professor sidekick, and overtly gay alien ship's computer voice. "Spaced Out." a grindhouse style trailer.* 3 stars

*"Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders" another retro trailer.* 3 stars

*Mr. Lobo is the last man on earth, left to his own devices -licking telephone receivers.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Zero stars for the annoying voice over lady who complained during everyone of her intros. Was an enhancement the first few episodes of 1201, but for this episode it was a real detraction. Not sure if it was part of the act, or if it was a legitimate show of feelings. Either way, it sucked. Get rid of it, and her, if necessary.*

===========================================================

VH1 sneak preview "Hot Grits" *Another insipid reality mess featuring "good looking" people, this time the cast being overprivileged 20 somethings from the southern United States (A number of other cable networks have similar shows. So, it's already a tired premise.) and VH1 really is daring its idiotic viewers to "hate watch" the awful people and antics on this steaming vomit, served in a bowl, excuse for a tv show.* zero stars

Red Letter Media presents Best of the Worst: Blood Debts, The Tomb, and Undefeatable *Generic Charles Bronson with a tiny cannon and a wife named simply "his wife" in the movie's credits, then a Indiana Jones rip off that has nearly zero action... limited stars' screentime... and phone filled exposition, followed finally by a mom jeans karate lady in a universe where everyone knows karate and an eyeball ripping out serial rapist is on the loose.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

American Horror Story - Asylum: Continuum *Communal state of delusion.* 3 stars

Crossballs, the debate show: Hellphones versus Interthreat *Electronic etiquette.* close to 3 stars

Forensic Files: Bitter Potion *Poisoned by Pie. Scratch that. Poisoned by Coca-Cola. Better yet, poisoned by a member of MENSA. A real 'Walter White type' chemist / former meth cook.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Fatal Lisa *"Getting it on (on the hood of a Dodge Viper, which is true love)" with a genie who won't take no for an answer.* 3 stars

Wizards and Warriors: Night of Terror *For the night is long and filled with spiders.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: The Prometheus Parabola *John Wayne and Arcane have a tech-war shootout showdown.* either 1 or 3 stars

Viper: Firehawk *"Beware the Bandersnatch" Urban assault and compromising situations of a vehicular nature.* either 1 1/2 stars or close to 3 stars

Spicy City: Manos Hands *Redbeans, bongo musica, and bruja? brewha?* close to 3 stars

X Files: Darkness Falls *Pitch black.* 3 stars

Crossballs, the debate show: Mother Earth Bitch *Throwing a live chicken, wearing a jet pack, into the air is not pollution.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Forensic Files: Fatal Fungus *Mold takes hold in the ghetto.* 2 1/2 stars

Gargoyles: Reawakening *Castle and community.* close to 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Gatorbait *Passive aggressive "Prelude to oblivion."* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Robocop the series: Trouble In Delta City *Strange side effects. Tame violence and hokey characters are just fine when the satire is funny and biting.* close to 3 stars

The Gong Show with Dave Attell: Season 1 episode 5 *This show is so far removed from the spirit of the original Gong Show that it reminds one of a skanky Hard Rock Cafe amateur talent night. Adam Sandler's production company "Happy Madison" is in charge of the show, so that says something about the quality and the reason why this episode featured two unworthy, obnoxious female friends of his who were also "actresses" in one of his terrible movies (Something something Zohan).* 1 1/2 stars

Everything Is Terrible -----------------

*Family Easter Hell!: "Because he lives, we can face tomorrow. Now, here's an egg." A decorated egg.* 3 stars

*Christ Or Die: Too busy to hear about salvation? Think it's nonsense? Boom, comically horrible death without redemption.* 3 stars

*Jesus Has A Big Dick!: #BOING!# "That's right!" Gitty up, little doggie.* 3 stars

----------------------------

VH1 Classic --- Pop Up Video --- Episode 3

*Meredith Brooks - "Bitch": A female dog was the first earth creature to orbit in outerspace.* 3 stars with pop ups 2 1/2 stars without pop ups

*Gin Blossoms - "Allison Road": According the the U.S. Census Bureau, you are watching television right now.* 3 plus stars with pop ups 3 stars without pop ups

*Madonna - "Take A Bow": Madonna wanted to get knocked up by Dennis Rodman. True fact. And true that she is as pretentious as this gorgeous 90s artsy music video.* 3 plus stars with pop ups 3 stars without pop ups

*Milli Vanilli - "Girl You Know It's True": The only thing true about Milli Vanilli was they were both lip syncing.* 3 plus stars with pop ups 3 stars (guilty pleasure) without pop ups

*Bobby McFerrin - "Don't Worry, Be Happy": "Happiness is a psychiatric disorder."* 3 plus stars with pop ups 3 stars without pop ups

----------------------------------------------

Look Around You: Sulphur *"9 hundred billion, billion, billion, billion matches."* 3 stars

Twitch City: People Who Fight Too Much *"Alleged spontaneous nature of..." dynamics.* 3 stars

Crossballs, the debate show: Voting, Electile Dysfunction *Don't "Rock the Vote!" More people coupon than vote. Voting should be fun like the lottery or the Pepsi Challenge.* 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: season 1 episode 13 *"Doomed souls wander the earth, unfit for either Heaven or Hell." Special guest Howie Mandell, and a Jeffersons reunion.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Bad Dudes Versus Dragon Ninja" (A Data East arcade game) *In 2015, Islamic terrorists are beheading innocents, Hillary is once again running for the highest office in the land, and a moron lands a gyrocopter on the lawn of the capitol building. In the 1980s, we had a president named "Ronnie" and he was kidnapped by ninjas.* close to 3 stars

"Shaq Fu" (*Brought to us by PEPSI and ego*) *Shaq wanders into an Oriental antiques shop, the kind that would sell a Mogwai to a stupid Westerner. The little old man sends him to retrieve a golden child from an ancient realm where Shaq ventures across what looks like the map from Super Mario World for the SNES and there he beats up voodoo women, cat women, and stereotype Universal style monsters.* 2 stars

Hippies: Disgusting Hippies *Young punks think Simon Pegg's hippie newsletter editor character is a cunt.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Killer Party *"Did you just turn my parents into teenage party animals!?!"* 3 stars

The Greatest American Hero: Reseda Rose *First off, it's crummy being an 80s kid with a flakey parent who won't spend her weekend with a kid at the zoo, 'cause she's too busy with her acting in commercials career. Then The Greatest American Hero breaks Superman's privacy rule by using his x-ray vision powers to peak through walls at a cocktail waitress hogtied by Russian undercover spies.* close to 3 stars

The Gong Show with Dave Attell: Season 1 Episode 6 *More b list celebrities flirting with Las Vegas "rawker" looking skanks and trying way too hard to be edgy talent/comedy routines.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Bob and Margaret: The Dental Convention *Oral hypnotism. Bob's "matter of fact" attitude charms the masses and puts off his smarmy, new age dental clinic dental school classmate at a dental convention in Frankfurt, Germany.* close to 3 stars

Flinch (Vertigo - DC Comics) ------

*Mostly White: Women lose their small child during the insipid panic surrounding a big department store's Christmas rush. Reminds one of a more bleak Storm of the Century by Stephen King.* close to 3 stars

*The Harvester: Surgery of harvesting a deadbeat's organs goes through, even with the moral dilemma of the supposed braindead deadbeat not being dead.* 2 1/2 stars

*Sitter!: A neurotic slacker gets stuck babysitting his thug friend's wrapped in plastic dead stripper girlfriend's body that he shows up at his apartment with.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-----------------------------------

--- The Ben Stiller Show: Unaired Sketches

*An absurd and kooky wrestling characters battle royale. Ben dresses up like a deformed Ron Perlman and along with Bob Odenkirk and Andy Dick predicts the sad, pathetic lives of what would become "furries" in a mascot competition.

'Hard Edition,' a Hard Copy tabloid tv show parody keeps catching a horny, teenage Andy Dick whacking off to nudey magazines.

Three's Company era Don Knotts portrayed by Andy Dick joins a spandex wearing and lasso swinging Ben Stiller infomercial workout expert and his dominatrix.

Bob Odenkirk is a creepy, conspiracy theorist sitting on a bench in a park rambling about cancer, Dick Clark, Elvis, adult diaper cartels, tainted peanut butter assassinations.*

(I can see why some of these didn't make the cut, but still funny.)

3 stars

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Crossballs, the debate show: Sex Battle USA *A flamboyant pansexual Matt Besser character gets bitchy with a conservative reverend who believes the sexes should act their sex. A feminist has to explain the 1964 Civil Rights act allowed for women's rights not to be sexually exploited in the workplace. Ha. A business consultant thinks that the WNBA should dress their ladies like the Lingerie Football League so that they'll stop be unsuccessful in the ratings and attendance. A crazy inventor presents a robot vagina for the workplace.* close to 3 stars

Battletoads in Battlemaniacs (SNES) *So we've got an evil sorceress Latoya Jackson look-a-like, a turkey behind a computer terminal, and a jacked up toad zipping its way through hordes of pig-beasts wearing amateur wrestling singlets and viking helmets, raccoons with magnets, moles on checker board pieces all through fast flying obstacles and platform puzzle levels, like one where the toad has to hang on for a ride on the back of two tropical snakes through the holes of their tunnel nest. A rare gem alongside Donkey Kong Country and Rayman.* close to 3 stars

Death Rattle #18 (Kitchen Sink Comix) -------

*Bulto the Cow Camp, Thirty Years Later....: Historical and allegorical tales of ancient deposits of precious minerals sought by 19th century men of manifest destiny with gold and silver twinkling in their beady eyes.* 3 stars

*The Old Wisconsin That I Knew: Musings of an early 20th century bigot thinking back on when he and the white man could exploit and show unpunished cruelty to the red man out in the frontier of Wisconsin. Thanks to nature's natural ways, a cruel fate meets the old bastard in the most bleak and darkly poetic way possible, spilling his guts before his eyes and leaving his bones to be drenched by pounding rains and dried by the menacing sun.* 3 stars

*Small Acts of Revenge: A loner, whose overbearing parents still haunt him from the grave, tries to escape reality into the grotesque world of Tales from the Crypt style comics. That is when he's not being haunted by the gruesome visages of the victims of his wrongfully applied revenge.* close to 3 stars

*When I Grow Up: Kids playing make believe, on a suburban lawn, see a shooting star. A somber girl makes a wish, and strangely they begin aging and acting out the drama of their teenage through adulthood to middle age and death life sorrows.* close to 3 stars

----------------------------------

The Angry Video Game Nerd: Atari Porn *In the early days of videogames, designers were happy just to be able to pixelate  penises, humping, and ejaculating. It was that immature. Take history's tragic a-hole, General Custer, and have him dodging arrows so that he can poke a naked Indian chick tied to a cactus. Have a guy jerking off on top of a building with willing naked bimbos below to catch his falling semen. How bout a topless witch squirting milk to men with their goobers poking out of their pants? Or even a juvenile fantasy of a poorly pixelated naked chick stalking a neighborhood and breaking into houses to hump men in their sleep?* 1 star for the shitty games 3 stars for Nerd enduring the absurdity of it all

Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City (Electronic Arts for Super Nintendo) *When Michael Jordan was the most exciting athlete in the world, he was careful about how he had his image used. He'd play Larry Bird in a ridiculous game of h-o-r-s-e for a Big Mac or Pepsi, and he'd sell overpriced sneakers in an arthouse commercial co-starring and directed by Spike Lee, but you couldn't live out your dreams of being like Mike in basketball videogames like the awesome arcade dunkfest NBA JAM. No. At the time, you could play this game and bounce a basketball around a haunted, flooded, bat infested house / dungeon to platform hop and rescue Michael Jordan's NBA All Star team-mates.* 1 1/2 stars

Look Around You: Music *Don't play the forbidden notes.* 2 1/2 stars

Obscurus Lupa Presents: Pocket Ninja *If you were an 80s or early 90s kid, you were a martial arts spazz. You watched Ninja Turtles, you watched 3 Ninjas (barf), Surf Ninjas (laughs). and you were a threat to kick another kid or adult in the nuts while stupidly attempting karate. This one, Pocket Ninja, is a relic of its time. It's a cheap and direct to video IMDB bottom 100 "movie" featuring poor editing, awful slapstick in place of entertaining chop sockey, bad acting 90s brats, and a lot of taking itself not serious at all while thinking it's funny when it's not.* 2 1/2 stars for Obscurus Lupa's review and 1 star for the movie clips

=== Dead Rising *2006* (All story cutscenes in movie form)

*I'm not here to discuss the sandbox gameplay.

The cutscenes play like any other zombie outbreak flick, and nicely, with the usual mad science government conspiracy gone wrong.

This time with a theme of Americans' insatiable lust for red blooded meat and the abuse of the third world to get it.

Like with their Resident Evil series, Capcom nails the ambiance of a survival horror story with the crawling up on your shoulder sounds and music cues, and the mall setting is a nice homage to Dawn of the Dead.

Expect over the top acting performances from the CGI created stars and voice actors.

But unfortunately like more recent Capcom survival horror games it strays off the path with too big of a narrative scope and not knowing when to stop and what genre to stay in

(zombie wasps, Oriental stereotype psychopath butchers and grocery store managers gone mad, and an ending involving a military jeep battle with a tank commanded by the type of military a-hole like in Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket).

Other than that it fits in nicely with the zombie revival craze of the 2000s.*

2 1/2 stars

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Xenophage, Alien Bloodsport (Story Mode) *A "faces of meth" David Duchovny look-a-like, in a Canadian tuxedo, along with a Gillian Anderson look-a-like, both get abducted by the United Federation of Planets & Hokey Outer Space Martial Arts Tournaments. Nick (Duchovny) is midly disturbed by this. Think Mortal Kombat meets Celebrity Deathmatch levels of uncanny valley faces on the two humans. Of course, these two everyday Joe and Jane pair can hurl energy blasts from the palms of their hands, as requirement by all fighting games. The lizard / insect alien creature designs are at least visually interesting and deserve to belong in a better mid-90s sci fi PC game.* 1 star

River City Ransom (NES) *This game lives up to its name. You pretty much walk along the streets, by a river, in a nice Japanese (posing for American, I guess?) city, getting hit in the back of the head by "student" thugs, with street gang weapons, as you try to rescue your girlfriend from a high ranking crime lord named Slick. Sounds like the plot for many other 80s beat 'em ups / karate movies, and it is. Charming little title with the bite sized NES and cute little Japanese flare, including a bad side of town called "Generic Guy Territory" or something along those lines. And don't worry about the enemies, because our hero has a superfast kick attack that would make Street Fighter's Chun Li's loins quiver.* 2 1/2 stars

"No Exit" (Amiga) *A 2D fighter that looks like it pre-dates both Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat. More like Mortal Kombat, though, and a possible influence (?) on the series. It contains small character sprites but they can perform special moves like turning into killer fish and screaming banshee faces. There's even a hilarious finishing move sequence where the loser walks around headless, with the head floating just there, before they collapse into a  pool of blood and electric sparks. The backgrounds are dark and gothic with demonic statues and menacing trees with faces, again like Mortal Kombat. Also there's an intro screen / possible box art with a regular Joe street fighting man set against a dark and gritty cityscape with the 'Satanic-goat-horned' image of what must be the main villain against the background, and that's just pure exploitation goodness for ya.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything Is Terrible: 2 Minute Super Soul Brother *"Doing it" in the name of science (?), money (?), bulletproof skin, mad science midgets, and big tittied blonde women.* 3 stars

Mortal Kombat: Defenders of Stupidity *Kombat krazy white chick special operative in gymnastics attire, untrustorthy ninjas of all kinds of variety, bumbling super computer wizard Native American stereotypes, and a black dude with bionic arms who calls a Thunder God the unflattering insult name of "girlfriend."* 3 stars

Eternal Champions (Sega Genesis) *A 1920s gangster, who knows kung fu, is teleported to a mystical martial arts tournament after his death. Fight against trident wielding mer-men, prehistoric brutes, neo ninja chicks, and cyborg dudes in a colorful Street Fighter 2 clone.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Red Letter Media presents Best of the Worst ---------

*Ghetto Blaster: An urban warfare expert returns to his home city and finds it full of crime. After the convenience store robbery death of his dad and the brutal burning to death of his old black man friend (and his alley cat), the guy decides to take action. Pulling off mildly harmful clown pranks on the goofy acting gang bullies around town.* either 1 star or 2 stars

*Terror In Beverly Hills: "Terrorists have kidnapped the President's daughter and are holding her hostage in the old bean factory." (PfffHAA!) Cue keyboard cat-lady and Frank (totally not Sylvester) Stallone.* either 1 star or between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

*Killing American Style: Elephant Man look-a-like Robert Zadar and his gang of escaped convicts and sex perverts pull off a violent / half assed home invasion "thriller" at the home of a Rico Suave look-a-like and Steven Segal martial arts expert.* either zero stars (uncomfortable family murder / rape), 1 star, or 2 stars

Red Letter Media agrees that Terror In Beverly Hills is Best of the Worst

-----------------------------------------------------

Natsume and Milton Bradley present "Abadox" *Imagine Metroid for the NES, only with monsters ripped from the minds of H.R. Giger and Clive Barker.* 3 stars

"Guardians of the Hood" (Atari Arcade) 1992 *Some Jersey Shore rejects battle their way through a poorly digitized bad side of town filled with hookers and gangbangers and flashing perverts. Cheered on by a haggard looking gym owner similar to Mickey from Rocky. And unconvincingly menaced by a lipstick wearing model in "guy drag." In a tacky twist ending (to go along with the tacky rest of the game), the "Big Boss" (the model) takes off her old school gangster disguise and has a final fight with our steroid muscled and orange tan heroes while she wears dominatrix attire.* 1star

Everything Is Terrible: 3 Minute Bulletproof *Gary Busey invents and overuses the catchphrase "butthorn." Whatever that means.* 3 stars

"Kakuto Chojin" (X-BOX) *In the early 2000s, industrial techno noise & nu-metal guitar riffs were a grating chorus to America's bleeding eardrums, and the same "xtremez" who enjoyed this were likely to take Fight Club literally. This game represents the kind of turn of Y2K, gritty, urban fist to face revivals supposedly going on in back alleys and parking garages across cities nationwide. Gritty, but pretty in the same way Ninja Gaiden could be on the X-Box hardware. And featuring a nice presentation effect of having the camera do a 360 degree slow motion pan around each KO. The most memorable thing about the game is the controversy around one character's Muslim extremist dialogue in the game. This lead to it being pretty much dead on arrival in the American videogame climate of the early days after 9/11.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

"JoJo's Bizarre Adventure" (Dreamcast) *Over the top manga presentation style with characters drawn in the same way mannequins' faces are both appealing and appalling. Each fighter fights alongside a spirit / avatar being / creature. It's like the Monty Python cartoon, but creepier, cousin to all the other highly animated 2D Japanese fighting games of the 90s. Funniest moment, that I witnessed, being when a steam-roller gets dropped on a pug sized dog character and the opponent begins pounding the steam-roller, with his fists, as the dog whimpers beneath.* 2 1/2 stars

"Dark Edge" Sega 1992 (Arcade) *Set in a sprite art pixelated and nifty cyberpunk dystopia. Battle it out as leather clad ninja chicks on hoverboards, mech dudes with missiles and flying torpedo dive attacks, biological monsters, another guy in a monkey-fighting-style inspired mech suit, and a final boss that's a techno ghoul nightmare like out of Frank Miller's Ronin. Fighters can move around each other giving the illusion of early 3D gameplay, and featuring the upbeat style of 90s Japanese video game music and bad "Engrish" phrases like "Wound One" instead of round one.* close to 2 1/2 stars

"Strider" Capcom (Arcade) *"All sons of old gods die!" Pretty dramatic, eh? Well, if Emperor Palpatine made a deal with space pirates, Amazon women, and robotic commies you wouldn't need no Jedi, Wonder Woman, Captain America, or Flash Gordon to save the day. Just take one arcade token and about 15 minutes and let a wall climbing ninja do what the galactic rebels couldn't do in a trilogy of movies.* close to 3 stars

Everything Is Terrible: 3 Minute Netforce *'So dated that it's funny' fearmongering about the dangers of global e-terror during the early days of the internet.* 3 stars

---- Virtual Pro Wrestling 2 (Nintendo 64)

*The world of pro wrestling is a niche part of entertainment culture.

Fans watch it for a variety of reasons:

kids who enjoy the heroic action, adults (who never grew up) for a more nostalgic reason, fandom fans who admire the celebrity surrounding the hunky dudes and buxom babes of the sport (er... sports-entertainment), and the internet wrestling community who dissect the current product and the past eras of the product and consider it an artform with varying degrees of level of quality of product and performance.

Well, you can't get more niche than a Japanese version of pro wrestling and a pro wrestling game that was made in the late 90s.

The popular AKI "No Mercy" wrestling engine featuring a legendary wrestler and anime character "Tiger Mask Number 2" and portrayed by a legendary Japanese wrestler (Misawa) who tragically died while performing his "art."

In this game, it's made weirder by the fact the game features a crowd of cardboard cut out Japanese wrestling fans.

Yeah, pro wrestling is niche, and weird, but it's fun, just like this wrestling game featuring great action and a great game engine that's had a lasting appeal of fun gameplay to play or watch for close to two decades.*

3 stars

============================================================

"Buriki One" (SNK) 1999 *Remember that scene in the movie "Lost In Translation" where Bill Murray couldn't get the tone right for his Japanese whiskey commercial? That's sort of what this game is like and that weird period of time when combat sports mayhem was trying to figure out just how to go about what would eventually become mixed martial arts like the UFC. Different styles of throwdown meet here, on the mat, including everything from karate to pro wrestling to low impact elderly ancient Chinese exercise technique (jk). It's interesting, but it works about as well and is almost as boring as the first time these different styles of sport met when boxing clashed with karate in the infamous Ali versus Inoki fight where one challenger, afraid of the other's fists, chose to lie on the ring floor and kick at the other like a scared rabbit.* either 1/2 a star or close to 2 1/2 stars

"3 Count Bout" (SNK) *Superficial and on the surface is a stigma when it comes to video game graphics. As soon as developers could make 3D and fans could get their hands on it, we entered into a trying time. Blocky and often ugly characters replaced sprite animation because it was the new thing. Dreary attempts at 3D environments were as fun to look at as getting about an inch away from a dirty, grey concrete wall and cracking your skull against it. Things have improved from those early days of 3D graphic experimentation, but at the time, I would have rathered stuck with something like this game. An early 1990s arcade button smasher featuring colorful kabuki ninjas throwing big bad Mad Max movie inspired bruisers around & into electrified deathtraps in a cheesy, and dated, --beat'em up-- 'eye candy' grappler.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

---- "Real Bout Fatal Fury Special" --Level 7 Ultra Hard-- (SNK Arcade)

*Playing as a Jacki Chan inspired Hong Kong super-cop wielding a set of nunchaku through a series of scantly clad karate babes, little old sensei who morphs into huge muscle bound badass, and dance fighting dudes from the Caribbean.

Finally beating the purple haired Euro-dictator-themed final boss, one would think that an arcade battler would be done munching one's quarters.

But think again. During the celebrating credits, the music changes to a wind instrumental samurai movie sounding theme and one is transported through a  series of sliding open doors featuring beautiful classic Japanese artwork of feudal warriors.

It stops at a martial arts badass with his back turned towards the camera and standing amidst huge samurai warrior oni statues in a menacingly eerie flame lit dojo.

It's secret final boss, by the name of Geese Howard, who looks like a handsome American corp executive or presidential candidate and is ripped with muscles and decked out in kung fu threads.

The screen reads the bold words "Nightmare," as he precedes to backfist you in the mush and charge up monster truck tire sized energy blasts to pummel and embarass you with and make you feel like a loser, even though you beat the game.

It's cheap, you feel like a klutz, but it's pure unadulterated martial arts tournament cliche movie/game exploitation goodness to the last clud to the floor in agonizing defeat.*

3 stars

=========================================================

"Ninja Master's" (SNK/ADK) 1996 *From an artistic eye viewpoint, feudal Japan was one moody place. In this setting, one might witness a lone swordsman standing in a rainstorm with a flash of lightning to reveal ninja assassins creeping up on him, or a samurai sword clash in front of a desolate and overgrown farm overran by crows, then maybe another bloody encounter on a lone pier watched over by a willow tree above other trees in the newly flooded river with mountains in the distance, an honorable duel to the death might come in a cave filled with bats, and moonlit temples often played host to battles with evil samurai overlords like the dreaded Nobunaga and his sentient, burning blade.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Weaponlord" (Namco for the SNES) *Long before Namco mastered weapon based combat games with the Soul Calibur series, they jumped in on the Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat 2D fighter action. What it boils down to is stone aged brutes bashing other stone aged brutes, Viking women, and demonic brutes in the skull with swords, axes, and huge rocks tied to huge clubs with leather. Featuring  an artistic style similar to a Frank Frazetta drawing -thanks to comic arist Simon Bisley who is famous for his dark fantasy artwork in Judge Dredd & Lobo. Eyecandy for fans of 1980s heavy metal album covers, sword and sorcery flicks of the same era, and readers of Conan the Barbarian pulps and comics.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

---"Sexy fights and brutal deaths in" **The Black Heart** (indie) *An indie (Mugen, a form of online fighting game mashup creator and sharing service) 2D fighting game with over the top super moves similar to Marvel vs. Capcom. However, darker than Capcom's own horror based fighter Darkstalkers. Inspired by the more bloody Silent Hill, Hellraiser, and the Japanese ghost genre of The Ring. It does feature a few comical characters like a twig man who smokes pot and wears a green suit like another silly horror villain in Warwick Davis's Leprechaun. Also there's a sexy "fan service" spider-lady who looks like something out of a Tim Burton stop motion movie.* 2 1/2 stars

"Abobo's Big Adventure" (New Grounds & I-Mockery) *The alternate history imagined tale of a random baddie from the arcade and NES classic "Double Dragon." The bald, mean faced, and lovingly dumb, newly protagonist murders his way through tons of classic NES game characters. It's a tribute / parody with a very morbidly entertaining sense of humor.* 3 stars

"Martial Masters" 2001 *Playing like a brightly colored cousin to Capcom or SNK fighters, but featuring a setting and cast from China of old. Gorgeously pastoral with scenes of old men sweeping the floors of temples as cranes pose gently near about, a monkey boy and his actual monkey friends dancing around, and children sitting in a meadow playing with and feeding a panda that's rolling to and fro for their amusement, along with the typical market scenes of the genre. For fans, like myself, of Shaw Brothers kung fu movies and modern fare like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.* close to 3 stars

Everything is Terrible: 3 Minute Unborn 2 *Overly dramatic bad horror movie about a killer baby that's such a horrible looking prop that it's even harder to take seriously than it already would be. Ends with mom having had enough and elbowing monster baby in the face, several hard times, before blowing herself and junior (and even more unbelievably the house) up with the old homemade explosive device in the microwave trick.* either 1 star or 3 stars

Dave's Nostalgia Trip: "Big Bang Pro Wrestling" (SNK) Neo Geo Pocket Color --2000-- *For a handheld wrestling game this has a nice presentation. The crowd is lively, the tunes have a headbobbing gentleness that's not so grating, and the action packs a bang (even if the game is bite sized). Any pro wrestling game where you can pull off a top rope moonsault has an instant fun factor.* close to 3 stars

Weird Science: Sex Ed *"You don't understand the meaning of the words funky cold medina, shoop a doop, zoom uh zoom zoom in the boom boom."* 2 1/2 stars

Manimal: High Stakes *Wild horses couldn't chase as much tail as Manimal.* either 1 star or close to 3 stars

Ed the Happy Clown: Issue 6 of 9 (Drawn & Quarterly Publications) *A micro-dimension has been discovered when the tiny head of another dimension's Earth's president Ronald Reagan appears as the penis head of a loser named Ed. Tiny pygmie savages, of the city, want to worship it as a penis god. And a tv show/government agency of science wants to investigate this other dimension, but they turn against the whole idea, rather violently, when they discover the only way to again contact this other dimension is to put the other dimension's Ron Reagan into a dimensional gateway that also happens to be the anus of a dead man. It's not the necrophillia that they have a problem with, it's the homosexuality.* 3 stars

"Burn: Cycle" (Phillips Compact Disc Interactive) --1994-- *"Sol Cutter has something on his mind... ...in two hours it's going to explode!" You kind of know what to expect from a dated full motion videogame when you hear something like that as a tag line. This one has all the cliches of the cyberpunk 90s genre: cityscape right out of BladeRunner only with poor 90s cgi, flying cars, high tech espionage plot, sinister new-age cult, cyber addiction, hipster nite club with neo-jazz music, and a main character who narrates his broken down in the gutter life like a noir tragic figure. It's like Johnny Mneumonic (sp?) with an "Everybody betray me!" Tommy Wiseau level of bad acting, yet dull.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Super Star Wars --SNES-- (Lucas Arts) *Storywise, it's the even more juvenile imagined parts of Episode 4 turned into a run and gun sidescroller. But in reality, it's set in a galaxy far, far away. A very long time ago before the edited special editions and prequels killed most of the magic of the series. And before Disney dug up the holy corpse to cash in on it. It's Luke blasting first and asking questions never, pulling an Annie Starkiller and wasting countless lives of Jawas, Sandpeople, and Stormtroopers. He hadn't really got a handle on the whole more peaceful side of the force yet. You can get Chewbacca (for a more whimsical approach) or Han (for a more morally ambiguous path). Still, it feels rather repetitive and very Duke Nuke'em instead of Jedi Knight or loveable space rascals.* 2 stars

"Mace: The Dark Age" (N64) *Some would say this 3D brawler wants badly to be either Killer Instinct or Mortal Kombat. Especially with a voice announcer who demands "Execution!" after the final round. But you can't totally dislike a game that puts a dwarf in a steampunk powered war-mech built out of ale barrels and carrying a Thor hammer and spiked mace as weapons.* close to 2 1/2 stars

The Gong Show with Dave Attell: Season 1 Episode 7 *It all feels a little too rehearsed. Everyone of the contestants has an edgy or alt-2000s carnival act. Where are the true weirdos and not these phonies?* 2 stars

Spicy City: Tears of a Clone *One in a million girl with a one in a million genetic code. But not anymore, and hardly worth the trouble. Still, you kind of feel for her.* 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn, the series: Self Contained *Owed a soul and a crossing over.* close to 3 stars

Farscape: Family Ties *A cross between the lunar landing and Return of the Jedi, only more bleak.* 3 stars

Attack On Titan: Episode 1 *Taking the tired concept of refuge from a horde of cannibalistic humanoids (zombies) and turning it on its head. This time instead of thousands of zombies clawing outside a wall or a building, it's giant, mindless humanoid cannibals clawing outside a giant wall. The people inside are shaken from their sense of comfort when one is big enough to bring even the huge walls down for the first time in a 100 years or something. Made even more entertaining by the grandiose over the top anime style acting and voice performances. Also, this show reminds me of SouthPark, for some reason (maybe the kids?), and that's definitely a good thing.* 3 stars

Everything Is Terrible: 3 Minute Death Drug *Angel Dust makes Miami Vice's Phil Michael Thomas go crazy and destroy a supermarket.* either 1 star or 3 stars

"Nasty Hero" circa 1980s or officially 1987 via 'The Private Movie Company Inc.' (ooh fancy) *A real Neandertal is released from the slammer after being framed for a crime he didn't commit. Now he's out for ridiculous action movie revenge. He always wears a dirty wife beater or mechanic's shirt (hence the name Nasty Hero, I guess). He'll have to take down the blackmarket sports car ring of obnoxious yuppies out to make his life a living hell. The main douchebag is even after his old flame Yolanda (*snickers*). Set in the "So 80s it hurts!" time period in the thousand flushes blue toilet bowl of America that is known as Florida. And featuring a ton of bad movie cliches and homo-erotic moments. Still, the cheese and action goes down easy.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Heart She Holler: Fear Is Dog Spelled Bassackwards *Perversion of the conversion. Regular folk, n-word, chicken dinner.* 2 1/2 stars

Kung Fu, the series: The Soul is the Warrior *A rose grows beyond the wall.* 3 stars

--- "Daraku Tenshi, The Fallen Angels" (Psikyo) 1998

*Usually fighting games don't have a uniting theme when it comes to stages.

If they can animate it, then they'll fight anywhere from the jungle to outerspace.

Even if it doesn't make any sense.

Here is not the case. The setting being a decade after a major cataclysm leaves a west coast city, with an obvious Asian influence, in the climate of a cesspool and never recovering from the disaster.

It makes sense then that a dirty karate master, who is followed around by flies, would fight in a dingy back alley near the trash dumpsters in which he'd fight cats for his supper.

Or a somber, rainy graveyard which would be filled with victims of the earthquake.

The criminal element, like crazed kung fu dudes in leather jackets and hired gunmen, would go for the little bit of human blood left in encounters in dingy bars that are in disrepair and haven't seen a patron in years.

Fat, mutated freaks would fly into fight in tire filled junkyards with the rubble of the never cleaned away destroyed city as the backdrop skyline.

It really has a beautiful art style.*

3 stars

====================================================

"Mortal Kombat versus DC Universe" (Warner Bros.) --2008-- *Most modern videogames play like movies, but they often find a hard time defining whatever generic protagonist is the lead. The lead usually designed by committee to fit the bland tastes of a mass audience. Fighting games and superhero comics don't have the problem of generic characters. They're usually bold. This game plays like a movie and has an ensemble of really bold characters. But these two "universes" don't mesh together out of a "Gee, what if?" concept put down on paper. I applaud the cinematic effort, which the MK team would improve on somewhat in the sequel/reboot (Mortal Kombat 2011). Still here, it's awkward and filled with unintentionally funny moments and dialogue (a lot of it laughed at by The Joker who almost seems in on how ridiculous it all is). either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

---- "Samurai Showdown" II thru V-Special (SNK)

*In my early teens, during the 90s, I was an Mortal Kombat fan.

I wish I would have had better taste. The gore and juvenile humor and dark fantasy appealed to my angst ridden desires.

At my local arcade, no one crowded around the Street Fighter machine. Even the Marvel versus Capcom series didn't appeal to me, though a few years earlier, I was a big fan of the X-Men cartoon.

Nope, me and the neighborhood kids craved blood, guts, farts, glimpses of titties, gangster rap, Beavis & Butthead, Summer blockbuster movies, alt-rawk.

In my early 20s, I started appreciating Samurai movies on cable, and in my later 20s, I began reading Lone Wolf & Cub samurai manga.

During the 16 bit 2-D fighting game craze, I wish I had been sopisticated enough to have taken notice to this highly artistic, and yet still bloody and fun, take on Samurai and a fighting game.

It does a lot of what made Mortal Kombat appealing to my teen tastes, but with a master stroke that has the lasting effect of standing the test of time as true art and not mindless "junkfood" fun that really has more of a nostalgia appreciation value (like Mortal Kombat).

3 stars

=================================================================

--- Jason Vorhees special guest character in "Mortal Kombat X" --2015--

*My generation had a lot of movie boogeyman.

They were so much in our young, collective conscious that they were almost urban legends seemingly lurking in the woods at the end of the street.

Kids, today, could care less. When, the internet "nerd culture" began reporting on this horror icon coming to a fighting videogame, the comments sections below the articles read something like this, "Laaame, LOL, who'z this f@g, no one wants thhis hockey face lozer INOURGAME!!!!"

To that I say, this guy invented "fatalities," kid.

He was figuring out ways to dismember long before there was even a Mortal Kombat or the outrage of a fatality in a videogame.

More than that, you were probably not even alive or were in diapers when Mortal Kombat was originally popular.

Jason even had a videogame that was terrible, but still gave my generation, including me, nightmares.

I remember, to get nostalgic again, the first time I saw it. It was at my weird next door neighbors.

The dad had an artificial leg and beat his kids and made them go to bed before dark.

But for some reason he was nice to any kid not his. Even weirder he had an NES that seemed to be more his than his kids.

He showed me, and another neighbor kid (not his), the Friday the 13th NES game, and seeing a hockey mask wearing purple-boogeyman stalk victims in 8-bit had me eyeing the door to escape not just the creepy one-legged neighbor but this pixelated killer.

Cheers to Jason's return to videogames and to the collective conscious of dumb, videogame playing youth everywhere.

Even if they don't appreciate it.*

2 1/2 stars

=================================================================

"Tattoo Assassins" (Data East) 1995 *This "game" strived for infamy, and fell into obscurity, never being released. Out of shame, I'm sure. Surprisingly, Back to the Future screenwriter Bob Gale came up with some ideas for it. It almost shows in a tongue in cheek way. It all seems like a big joke parodying the 90's over the top media in the same way almost that Oliver Stone's Natural Born Killers did. Except this is more Looney Tunes than anything with racial stereotypes and absurdity out the wazoo. With characters based off the likes of tabloid trash like Tonya Harding and boasting to have thousands of supermoves like turning an opponent into a famous painting, farting random objects from one's anus, and comic nudity. There's also some nonsense about magical tattoos that thought tattoos wouldn't be tacky enough so they're the cause of the supermoves and are animated like they were created using Microsoft paint by a special needs person. Also, the game's mascot is a sad-faced eastern looking religious figure in an adult diaper.* 1 star (so bad it's almost good)

=== Wrestling Society X (MTV)

*For a brief moment, in the 90s, pro-wrestling was "edgy."

As absurd as that sounds. "The Rock" & "Stone Cold" were household names, much to the disappontment of concerned parents groups and tabloid hysteria news.

Pro-wrestling's punk rock moment all seems ridiculous now in retrospect.

The WWE went back to a family friendly product in order to sell t-shirts and toys.

So, who was to satisfy the wrestling dreams of backyard idiots who were jumping off of grandma's house onto a pillow filled with rocks?

MTV stepped in with its timeless formula of stupidity for the youth.

They aired, again briefly, an "underground" wrestling tv show filled with constant explosions, constant loud music, and constant shouting....

Goth kids, pregnant teens, musclehead niteclub douches, rednecks amped up on Mountain Dew, and wiggers across America, in the mid-2000s, rejoiced...

well, maybe not rejoiced.

More like they barely took notice with all their attention disorders, or skateboard trick injury videos taking place, and myspace photo sessions in the bathroom mirror.*

zero stars

============================================================

"Bad Street Brawler" -NES- (Mattel Inc. & Beam Software) --1989-- *"Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you!" Trouble, I guess, means a metrosexual "badass" with a yellow flat-top hairdo, black sunglasses with the yellow city lights  reflecting in them, a yellow tanktop, wearing only yellow underwear (no pants), and cute knee high yellow boots. Hello Yellow! Most of his attacks look like danceclub moves and he spends a lot of time fondling enemies and dogs.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

"Dead Man Calling" --Junji Ito-- (Manga) *The ghoulish projection of a death row inmate haunts the family of his victims. Seeking forgiveness. A nightmarish meditation on grief and revenge.* close to 3 stars

Forensic Files: The Blood Trail *A failing farmer, in the quiet English countryside, stages a bizarre seies of crimes, around his property, including blowing up his wife in a homemade carbombing, putting a severed sheep's head and threatening note on his own fence, and poorly attempting to make it look like his "deranged" neighbor visited one evening and tried to kill him with a boxcutter, forcing him to shoot the neighbor in "self defense" with a shotgun.* 2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmare: Freddy Something ----------------

*A jobless yuppie, with an extreme fear of the dark, goes nuts working in the sewers for the eccentric old guy from Gremlins.* 2 1/2 stars

*A lowlife owner, of a 1980s videostore, gets "Scrooged" by a self-help Billy Ocean wannabe that the lowlife ripped off in his typical jerk fashion.* 2 1/2 stars

--------------------------------

Forever Knight: Dance by the Light of the Moon *A black-hearted seductress tries to manipulate our reformed from evil detective, much like she does with every other poor male.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

----- Croooow Plays: Way of the Warrior (3DO)

*Video-blogs used to play videogames for a blogger's web audience are called "Let's plays."

Let's get that out of the way.

I personally prefer video reviewers like SpoonyExperiment, AngryVideoGameNerd, ObscurasLupa, and so on.

The reviewers take the time to find something' interesting about the game or movie to actually critique and even write jokes, scenarios, pick out certain clips from what they're reviewing, and put it all into a usually enjoyable package.

"Let's play" bloggers seem to have a level of vanity where they think they can just sit down and roll the camera and do it "on the fly."

It hardly ever works, and is often annoying, frustrating, and dull.

They struggle to play the game and find something interesting to talk about it, other than their ineptitude or frustration, and their random attempts at humor are painfully bad.

One "let's play" celebrity named PewdiePie has hit stardom with his awful brand of yelling unfunny nonsense while playing a game live, unedited garbage and SouthPark took notice satirizing it and him.

It's almost as bad as when during the 90s hack videogame programmers took the cheap digitized graphics craze to its overkill by hiring their handful of what I'm guessing were party friends or the local community theater rejects to be physical "actors" as horribly over the top generic stereotype characters in shitty disc format vidja lames.

Our let's player, Croooow, struggles to "let's play" and also entertain in his "let's play" video.*

zero stars for the game

and 1/2 a star for Croooow

===========================================================

Forensic Files: Charred Remains *A male stripper cremates a former playboy playmate over a cocaine sharing night gone wrong.* 2 stars (zero for the exploitation of the cremated remains)

American Horror Story - Coven: Protect the Coven *Fried green blood fetishes.* 3 stars minus 1 star for the Twilight romance feel good ending

[obsessivesarcasticgayliving]

Don’t tell me no!

tw: homophobia, xenophobia, neo-nazi talk at the end (spoiler they get punched)

Alex Danvers has a history of making what some would call risky and/or incredibly dangerous situations.  A long history in fact.

For instance, all throughout high school she spent many days sitting outside the principal’s office. For what? Well for fighting of course. She couldn’t figure out what her parents expected of her, or rather her mom anyway. Eliza told her, ordered her to take care of and protect Kara.  So, what exactly was she supposed to do? Sit back and watch another popular douchebag or bitch try and hit her sister and then wince in pain. After all, her parents had pounded into her the importance of keeping Kara’s identity and abilities a secret. So, she did what she had to. She would walk up to the person terrorizing her sister grab their arm and push them back.  She may have learned advanced survival and defensive skills through DEO training but that wasn’t the first time she’d learned to defend herself.  She always heard Kara in the background shouting Alex no, stop. You’re gonna get in trouble. But she didn’t care. It was her job to protect Kara. If she got in trouble for doing that, well then at least she got to release some of her pent-up anger.

There were many other instances of these back and forth “Alex no/Alex yes” arguments. Sometimes they were between her head and heart. Like when she met Maggie.  The first thing she remembered feeling was the biggest desire to just be near Maggie. She wanted to talk to her as much as possible, learn as much about her as possible. She thought it was just because Maggie was a badass detective who loved motorcycles and aliens. So, when Maggie suggested that she was into girls, it was a shock to her system to say the least.  This exchange along with the conversations that followed involving Alex admitting that yeah, ok, yeah maybe she was slightly, a little bit, into girls. This admission took her to Kara. To whom she talked. And talked. And talked. Kara was 100% eager and ready to listen to everything Alex had to say. But when she heard Alex talking herself out of her new found sexual identity, she knew she had to put a stop to it.  Kara had to make sure that Alex stopped putting her life on hold. And she told her just that.

“Alex stop, listen to yourself. Just last week you came to me and told me what you were feeling-how you were feeling- about Maggie. You told me that you thought you liked her as more than just a friend. And, yes, it took me some time to understand what you were saying. But Alex, please don’t talk yourself out of how you’re feeling. You are the most amazing sister and you deserve to be happy and you deserve to love whomever you love. And if that’s Maggie great, she seems really nice. If it ends up being someone who’s not Maggie but still a girl that’s great too. Heck if it ends up being a guy that’s fine.  I just want you to be happy. So right now, all I want you to do is stop, think, and answer this question: what will make you happy? Because, if being with Maggie or any girl will make you happy then that’s who you should be with. It’s ok to let yourself be happy. And if anyone ever says anything negative about you for being with a girl, well then, I’ll just have to fling them into the sun.”

Alex stood staring at her sister, tears pooling in her eyes. Any words she could think of died before they left her lips. She wasn’t used to people fighting for her happiness, no matter how hard Kara tried. She wasn’t used to people telling her, yes, she can do something and the world won’t end because she does.

Then there are the times when she acts without thinking. Like when she decided to run in front of a bullet headed straight for Kara. Normally, she would merely cringe as the bullet bounced off her sister and fell to the ground. This time, however, Kara solar flared the day before. Alex couldn’t let Kara feel the pain of getting shot. She couldn’t stand there and watch a bullet rip through her sister’s skin.  Without thinking, she ran forward shoving Kara out of the way. Just as the bullet tore through the skin on her arm she heard Kara shouting her name. Alex winced but looked up from the ground and into Kara’s eyes.

Alex heard J’onn and Maggie take down the shooter but she returned her attention back to Kara. “Kara are you ok? Are you hurt?” Alex rushed out.

Kara starred at her sister mouth agape. She reached forward, pressing her hands steadily against the whole in Alex’s lower stomach.  Her eyes meet Alex’s again, the tears she’d been holding back spilling down her cheeks.  “Am I ok? Alex, you’re the one that got shot. You pushed me out of the way. Why’d you do that? You shouldn’t have done that.” Alex was losing more blood than either she or Kara realized. That fact was made abundantly clear, however, when Alex lost consciousness and was rushed to the DEO med bay for emergency surgery.

Kara was sitting up watching her when she woke up. She was groggy and her side hurt but she didn’t care. Kara was alive, unharmed, and sitting by her side.  Alex could tell that Kara was none too happy with her by the look on her face when she realized Alex was awake.   

Kara didn’t say anything for a while. She just sat there watching her sister breath, making sure Alex was truly alive.  Finally, she voiced the words that had been sitting in her mind since Alex pushed her out of the way. “Just because you’re my big sister and it’s always been your job to protect me, doesn’t mean that your life isn’t important too. It is Alex. And I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say that Eliza would never forgive you if something happened to me and that you’re trained to take a bullet while I’m used to seeing them bounce off of me. Well, shitake mushrooms to that. I need you alive just as much as you need me. So, you need to start taking better care of yourself and your body. And you need to start listening to people when they say you shouldn’t do something.”

So, when Alex and Kara were out getting lunch one day and they ran into a homophobic, anti-alien, anti-anything except white people (especially white males), Alex was baffled. She did her best to ignore the man and what he was saying. She tried to ignore the fact that he thought someone should kill Supergirl and the rest of the aliens on earth. She tried to ignore the comments he made about how gay marriage should be illegal and that all of the homosexuals on earth should be killed. She tried her very best to ignore the incredibly rude man. What she couldn’t ignore, however, was how he repeatedly hit the ass of his server as she walked past him.  After the third time he slapped the waitresses ass, Alex was seething. The fourth time, found Alex standing so fast her chair fell to the ground. The fourth time found Alex making her way to the rude man. The fourth time found Alex grabbing the man’s right arm, forcing it behind his back and slamming his head into the table. The fourth time found Alex, whispering into the man’s ear about manners when he’s out in public. Whispering that touching anybody, male or female without their consent is inappropriate and illegal. Telling him that she was so happy that she was in love with a woman who was one hundred times the person he could ever hope to be. Making sure that he understood that the aliens that lived on earth had just as many rights as he did and that he should be thankful for them because they are doing the jobs no one else wants to do and they are being paid shit for it.

Alex drove home the point by pushing his head into the table a little harder and then releasing him and heading back to Kara. Alex heard him mumble under his breath and she flipped back around. She asked him to repeat what he’d said to her face so he did.

“I called you a dyke bitch. Hitler should have wiped your kind out along with the Jews” He seethed.  The next thing Alex knew, the man was lying unconscious on the ground and her hand was aching. Kara was by her side in a second guiding her out of the restaurant.

“Why didn’t you tell me not to do that,” Alex asked flexing her hand.

“Because he deserved it Alex. Heck he deserved so much more than what you did to him.”

Alex was in awe, it was one of her first experiences where no one, including herself, was there to tell her that she shouldn’t do something.    

[altrightanalysis]

Why You Should Never Befriend Racists

So you fell into a coma in 2012 waiting for Nibiru to hit the Earth. Now you're just waking up, and somehow found your way to Tumblr. 

Congratulations: welcome to 2017 hell. You're probably wondering what happened - were the Mayans speaking in metaphor? Was the "end-of-all-time" a code word for the advent of backwards, right-winged fever?

I don't know. Maybe so: actually, that would explain a lot. All I can say is this: the first black president was finishing up his 8th year in the White House, all the most objective news sources in America said Hillary Clinton would be next, and the progress-train was chugging along nicely. Then like a bolt of lightning, Trump happened.

That's right. Donald. Fucking. Trump. 45th president of the United States, and he won by nearly half the popular vote.

So he just finished signing the "Ban Brown People, Because They're Brown" act, and now that half the country decided to sign up for the KKK, you're probably wondering what to do. Well I'm gonna tell you - hunker down and join the fight! You've got several good options, and one really awful option which you shouldn't take for any reason whatsoever. Let's dive in:

1. I like to call this one "racist island". First things first: make sure you're in a blue state, where racist germs haven't managed to turn everyone into Nazi scum. Secondly, carry around signs asking your state to leave the union. Throw in a piece of paper for good measure, collect some signatures, and maybe even start an online petition demanding that your state peel itself off the red-white-and-blue bubblegum so good, enlightened, non-trump-voting people can get away from the barbaric racist horde.

Your state now gets to be totally self-sufficient. It will be awesome. Best of all, you can build a giant wall to keep out the racists, and leave them to cannibalize each-other in their homogeneous, privileged hell-hole. You don't need the rest of America; if a lot of people disagree with you, you get to leave. That's how democracy works.

2. Flood newspapers like the New York Times with angry op-eds denouncing racism, and point out that Trump voters hate Muslims, Jews, gays, hipsters, transgenders, Hindus, Jains, Syrian Christians, and everyone else who obviously can’t be white. This step can be a little tricky, because big newspapers are really unbiased, and they represent both political sides fairly because they have a diverse audience from across the political spectrum, so it’s frankly a toss-up on whether you’ll get published in the first place or be ravenously gobbled up by people who already agree with you. 

But if you do this enough, your message will reach the right people at their heart: racists will read your op-ed in droves, and see for themselves the primitive cavemen that they actually are.

3. De-escalate rabid islamophobia and mass conspiracy theories about media bias by subtly changing the language of news reports so they mask the identity of minority perpetrators. Covering for Islamic terrorism is a great way to raise public support for Islam, and Islamic immigrants. Addressing the issue head-on, talking like there's an issue in the first place, or suggesting alternatives to Trump's Brown People Ban will only (say it with me now) escalate the hate!

It's worth pointing out just how important this step is. Apparently drawing inspiration from Obama's notorious Christian concentration camps, Trump is currently building concentration camps for Muslims. You gotta keep that from happening - steer clear of implicating Muslims, and racists won't bother to sniff out the sources, read the article, and they especially won't automatically believe Muslims were responsible with or without this tactic.

4. Punch Nazis in the damn face. You heard me right: sock those suckers right in the gob. Violence is always the answer for people who have dangerous and cancerous opinions. Innocent bystanders don't get hurt in riots against racist speakers, and anyways, punching Nazis is an American tradition, much like apple pie and date-rape.

Whatever you do, don't let the fools speak. The unwashed, brainless masses will absorb racist opinions like a filthy sponge. Scientific studies have also shown that a sound biff in the melon resets defective, racist neurons, soundly persuading your audience that you are right and they are wrong without any conversation or debate.

5. Befriend racists, and pretend they're just normal people with screwy minds. Listen to what they say, and try to show them why you're concerned.

Now this is the worst option by far, and it's very dangerous. First of all, talking to racists will probably turn you into a racist. Secondly, befriending racists won't change anyone.

People in this country talk to each other already.

We do not have a problem with extreme language.

We don't use strawmen and hyperbole to refer to our political opponents.

We aren't alienating anyone, or isolating ourselves to thought bubbles, thereby creating the very thing we want to destroy.

(Please for the love of Abraham Lincoln riding a bald eagle: befriend racists.)

[lopezdorothy70-blog]

2 Years After Isaiah Rider Medically Kidnapped: “They Destroyed Our Whole World”

Michelle and Isaiah Rider are happy to be together, but the trauma of his medical kidnapping is something they still battle. There was unimaginable damage done caused by Child Protective Services. Photo source.

by Health Impact News/MedicalKidnap.com Staff

It has been almost 2 years since Isaiah Rider was released from Illinois DCFS custody after being medically kidnapped. Like many families who are reunited after the trauma of dealing with Child Protective Services, Isaiah and his mother, warrior-advocate Michelle Rider, largely withdrew from social media and the public eye. The horrors they had experienced took a toll and they have needed time to heal.

They are still in the healing process, and even now it is difficult for them to talk about their experiences.

They recently shared their story with a reporter from KWIR, a publication whose audience is largely LGBT.

In the final segment of the 4 part series entitled, “Mother and son look back on two years demolished by DCFS,” Michelle Rider says that she wants their story to be told as a warning for parents. Reporter Gretchen Rachel Hammond writes:

Although not LGBT themselves, Michelle and Isaiah fear for both gay and straight couples who take a child to a hospital like Lurie for help and suddenly find themselves catapulted into a hell they could never have imagined.

In the opening of the series, Hammond makes this statement:

As an increasing number of LGBT couples choose to adopt, the story of one of the most disturbing and bizarre cases of DCFS removing a child after hospital doctors claim Medical Child Abuse serves as a warning.

As the audience of Health Impact News knows, Isaiah Rider's story, as horrific and disturbing as it is, is not rare. Medical Kidnappings and accusations of Medical Child Abuse occur regularly all over the country. We have covered hundreds of such stories.

The public, however, may not be aware that the LGBT community contributes to the demand for children to adopt. The Rider article series by KWIR serves as a cautionary tale that the children offered up for adoption to LGBT couples, and to anyone else seeking to adopt, are not always “poor abused children in need of a forever home.”

Adoptive and foster parents are not always told the truth about the children who are placed with them. Far more often than not, the children were taken from families who love them, who never abused them, and who have been falsely accused of hurting their children. Social worker whistleblowers have told us that they are encouraged to seize children who are “adoptable.” That often means children who from loving homes, while children who are truly abused are considered “damaged goods” who are “unadoptable.”

See:

Arizona Judge: Child Removed from Home Illegally – Only Reason Was Child Was “Adoptable”

Adults wishing to adopt children increase the demand, whether they are LGBT couples unable to conceive on their own, infertile couples, couples with good intentions who want to help children, Christian and religious families seeking to care for “the needy and the orphan,” or even pedophiles. No matter the motive, whether good or bad, each serves to create the demand for children.

As that demand increases, more children are being taken from innocent families in order to supply the commodities (children) to meet the demand. It is simple economics.

The Isaiah Rider Story

Almost 2 years after Isaiah was reunited with his mother, they have shared their story with KWIR.

Excerpts:

In March last year, Michelle Rider and her then 19-year-old son Isaiah made the trip from their home in Kansas City, Missouri to the islands of Fiji. There, they drank from mineral waters of Natadradave Village. Fiji was still recovering from a tropical cyclone and it was rumored that the water, which flowed from the lush, surrounding mountains, could heal.

Michelle and Isaiah thought it was well worth a try but not in the hope of a miracle that would cure an excruciating medical condition with which Isaiah had been living since he was a child.

Michelle and Isaiah Rider in Fiji. Photo source.

They needed to heal as a mother and son who, one Spring day in 2014, were needlessly ripped away from each other by the State of Illinois.

For the over two years which followed, Michelle and Isaiah were helpless as the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) engaged in an inexplicable vendetta to keep them apart employing measures which crossed both State lines and those of the downright bizarre.

Health Impact News began covering the story of his medical kidnapping even before the Medical Kidnap division of the website was created:

Chicago Children's Hospital Takes Custody of 16-Year-Old Away from Parent Who Sought Second Opinion

MedicalKidnap.com was established in October 2014. On October 29, 2014, we published comprehensive coverage of the Riders' story on our website:

Fight Rages for Teenager Isaiah Rider's Freedom – His Mother Commits “Cardinal Sin” Of Questioning Doctors

Michelle and Isaiah Rider – Photo from Team Isaiah Facebook Page.

In part 2, Michelle Rider described to KWIR the awful day when her son was medically kidnapped by social workers and Lurie Children's Hospital in Chicago, Illinois:

“I had a gut feeling that someone was wrong,” she said. “I was walked into a small room. There were people staring at me. I heard someone say 'we've got the mom.' A doctor and a social worker who I'd never seen before told me 'we're sorry about your brother, but we are taking your son for 48 hours.' I asked them 'for what?' They said “for medical child abuse.'”

Michelle recalled that Lurie's staff then demanded that she stop crying so they could escort her out of the facility without alarming any other parents.

KWIR explains the concept of Medical Child Abuse and how that term is being used to destroy innocent families:

The definitions of abuse and neglect span some 140 pages of a DCFS procedures document.

In one section, defined alongside “violent acts towards a child such as smothering, strangling, pushing or shoving,” the term Medical Child Abuse can be found as Factitious Disorder by Proxy or Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome “a form of child harm that is characterized by a parent/caregiver who intentionally and persistently lies, fakes, and/or produces illness in the child and repeatedly presents the child for medical assessment/treatment.”

Doctors are given extraordinary latitude when it comes to accusing a parent of Munchausen by Proxy and Medical Child Abuse. Once a case is started with a call to a DCFS hotline, an investigator from the agency has 48 hours to reach a determination. A full investigation must be concluded within 60 days.

Since Munchausen by Proxy is a mental health condition defined as “the production of or feigning of psychological symptoms in another person” one would assume that a clinical diagnosis by a psychologist would be necessary before such an accusation is made against a parent.

Yet, there are reports of multiple Munchausen cases nationwide in which no psychologist was involved before a call was made to a Child Protective Services hotline.

In fact, so wide-ranging and absolute is a medical provider's power to separate a child from a parent and so liberal is their ability to use Munchausen by Proxy as a reason, that it has given rise to the term “medical kidnapping.”

Stories in which parents have found themselves “terrorized by doctors” and ultimately separated from their children by a State's Child Protective Services for arguing with a doctor's diagnosis, objecting to a treatment plan or vaccination on religious grounds or otherwise, asking for a transfer to another hospital, deciding on the home birth of a child rather than at a hospital, using natural medicines or bringing a transgender child in for treatment have been brought to light across the country.

“I didn't know doctors could take your child if you didn't agree with them,” Michelle said. “They were not able to provide the care my son needed so, instead of doing that, they just removed me because, in their eyes, I was the problem.”

In a case in which a member of a hospital's medical staff alleges Medical Child Abuse, rarely is a determination made in favor of the parents over the doctors even after an extended and prohibitively expensive legal battle. Meanwhile, a child is hauled away from a loving home and placed into a totally alien environment; be it foster care or, worse, a group home which borders on juvenile detention.

See:

Are New Pediatric “Child Abuse Specialists” Causing an Increase in Medical Kidnappings?

Doctors from Boston to Seattle to Arizona now use the term “Medical Child Abuse,” which was coined by a husband and wife team who wrote a textbook on the concept. The couple teach other Child Abuse Specialists and social workers how to use the allegation to take children and get parents out of the picture. More information on these doctors is included here:

California Christian Homeschool Family Torn Apart as Children are Medically Kidnapped, Forced into Public School, and Mother is Forced out of Family Home

“Like Watching ISIS Kidnap My Child”

Michelle Rider describes Isaiah's kidnapping in terms of terrorism in her interview with KWIR:

After he was released from Lurie Children's Hospital, Isaiah was placed in a smaller medical facility and finally a foster home. Michelle asserted the home was located on the South Side of Chicago-an area of the city which has become infamous nationwide for its heightened levels of gang violence and weekly murder rate.

“It was like watching ISIS kidnap my child,” she said. “They wait until you are at your most vulnerable. There's no warning. All any parent wants is for their child to get well. You trust that a doctor agrees with you. Then they say they are taking your child away and you can't do a thing about it because they have the total backing of the State.”

Isaiah in the hospital. Photo from Team Isaiah Facebook page.

After leaving his loving, safe home, Isaiah suffered horrible things in Child Protective custody that no child should ever experience. Although he reported the crimes committed against him to social workers, they were reportedly swept under the rug, ignored by those charged with his care.

See:

Missouri Teen Medically Kidnapped Was Raped and Sodomized While in Illinois Foster Care

Army of Advocates Instrumental in Isaiah's Return

Even after Isaiah turned 18, Illinois DCFS was determined to stay in his life, even going so far as to threaten to arrest him if he moved out on his own. His case was not closed until 2 months before his 19th birthday.

See:

Medically Kidnapped Teen Isaiah Rider Finally Free from Child Protective Services but Ruined Lives Remain

Michelle Rider told KWIR in part 4 that “an army of advocates” played a crucial role in their lives:

Michelle acknowledged that they might never have seen that day without the help of an army of advocates.

“There were so many people who were behind us; who were praying for Isaiah and me,” Michelle said. “I believe that's how we made it through. There were horrible things that happened but there were so many wonderful people who took the time to read the facts and came to our aid.”

Michelle and Isaiah – reunited. Photo source.

Picking up the Pieces

KWIR reports:

Their joy was tempered as a new battle to pick up the pieces of a pair of lives DCFS had systematically devastated began.

“This changed mom and I,” Isaiah said. “I don't talk about it. I know she doesn't because it hurts her. I don't even talk about it with my girlfriend. I bury it.”

“They destroyed our whole world,” Michelle said. “I was so angry at everything that had happened to my son while he was in DCFS custody. All that time, the judge knew about all of it and did nothing. They harmed him mentally, physically, emotionally all in the name of protection. They wanted to win at any cost. If I allow myself to think about their winning I get sad and depressed. I thought that we lived in the land of the free. I believed in the government. It changed everything that I thought was real. I felt cheated.”

Isaiah, who once dreamed of helping people through a medical career, has been robbed of his belief in healthcare providers.

“I never knew human beings could act this way; so selfishly, so without care for another person until this happened,” Isaiah said. “I don't trust doctors. I don't know if they have my best interests at heart. I don't even like seeing doctors unless I really have to. I get anxiety before I see a doctor. It's really bad. I'm 20 now and I don't know if I want to have my own children. If they had the same medical issues as m, [sic] I would be scared for that child. It sucks because I'm so scared that what happened to me will happen to him or her.”

… “Agencies like DCFS should do more research before they tear families apart,” Isaiah said. “You can't imagine the cruelty and what this does to a child.”

Michelle says that the trip that she and her son took to get away to the Fiji islands helped:

“I did experience healing in that river,” she said. “I was able to release a lot of the things I was carrying around that were making me physically ill. It's a work in progress and it will take time. I feel like we were innocent and received a life sentence. In return, I will spend the rest of my life making sure people, they can't do this to anyone else.”

So will her son. He says:

“I just don't want to see it happen to anyone else,” Isaiah agreed. “If my speaking out stops that from happening to even one family, then it's worth it.”

Michelle and Isaiah in Fiji. They hope that, by telling their story, they can keep this horror from happening to another family. Photo source.

A Family Devastated – for Money

Their story of medical kidnapping is over, but the impact of the experience has forever changed them. Doctors, social workers, and courts have done unimaginable damage to this family, as well as to thousands of others.

At what cost did Child “Protective” Services seek to get involved with their family? Is state protection of children who might be at risk worth the untold trauma that they put the Riders and thousands of other families through?

At what point do we, as a society say, “Enough is enough”?

It is clear to Michelle Rider and her son that this was never about Isaiah's best interests, and that it has always been about the money.

Looking back, both mother and son feel that DCFS had only one thing in mind.

“Money,” Michelle said. “This is an industry and they used my son to benefit it.”

“It's just a cash grab,” Isaiah said. “I believe that DCFS is corrupt and is all about money. My foster parent was supposed to give me an allowance. She told me how much she was getting but I found out later on, it was much more than that.”

See:

Child Kidnapping and Trafficking: A Lucrative U.S. Business Funded by Taxpayers Called “Foster Care”

A child like Isaiah with a rare medical condition can literally be worth millions of dollars to the pharmaceutical industry. Children who are wards of the state, in other words, those in foster care, can legally be used as medical lab rats, entered into medical research or drug testing – without their parents' knowledge or consent.

See:

Medical Kidnapping in the U.S. – Kidnapping Children for Drug Trials

Comment on this article at MedicalKidnap.com.

See our other coverage of the Isaiah Rider Story:

17 Year Old Boy Breaks Silence on Medical Kidnapping: Reports Hospital Drugged Him at Time of Custody Dispute

Isaiah Rider Is Suffering Horrible Pain But Not Getting Help [Video]

Medical Kidnap: 17 Year Old Isaiah Rider Taken Captive Against His Will

Isaiah Rider Being Forced to Leave Home Town and Return to Chicago Against His Will

Verdict – Missouri Resident Isaiah Rider To Remain Ward of the State of Illinois

Medically Kidnapped Isaiah Rider: “Don't Underestimate Me”

Illinois Stops Teen from Going to Mayo Clinic – “Legalized Terrorism” Claims Distraught Mom

EX-CPS Investigator Uses Illinois Gov Facebook to Attack Mom of Medically Kidnapped Teen Isaiah Rider

Isaiah Rider Speaks out on Robert Scott Bell Show – Wants to go to Mayo Clinic for Pain but Held Hostage

Medical Terrorism: KC Teen Isaiah Rider Will Remain in Illinois Custody After He Turns 18

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See: Medical Kidnapping: A Threat to Every Family in America Today

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