#love connor pining without even realizing it <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[dark1k]

Quick 50 word drabble for RK1K Month week 2, malfunction/error! Please enjoy!

•••

"I don't get obsessed with Markus," Connor interjected sharply, somewhat distracted; half his mind already wondering what Markus was getting up to in his absence. "Why does everyone think that?" Connor noticed his LED swivel yellow for a few beats after saying such, convincing himself it was simply an error.

[ygreczed-3]

The Red Guard and the Snow Angel

Hank and Connor’s kiss

Hank and Connor fighting

Hank and Connor having good time with Sumo

Connor’s “I’m not going anywhere”

Gavin and Nines : interface

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6

They eventually find something in one of the books : Kamski is known to live in a castle, with 7 beautiful angels to serve him. No one knows how to get to Kamski's castle, since the pike is guarded by the darkness war spirit (actually Kamski being the powerful magician he is, sealed the war spirit to the castle, condemning it to the protection of the whole rock he lives on).

On their first attempt getting to the castle, Hank gets injured, and they're forced to retreat to Nestlepeek

Connor stays near Hank as he recovers, and can't help but touch him with noticeable loving attention. Nines sees him but just decides to say nothing, knowing he's too emotionally compromised with Gavin to give his brother a lesson. Gavin is totally oblivious to that, he's just very bad at hiding his concern for Hank (yes ! he is low-key worried for his human comrade).

X

Nines somehow gets to talk calmly with Nines, for the first time since the street fight.

Nines : I just don't understand. You've always been so ambitious, always training to be more powerful, why don't you use this aspiration to channel the power source and thus use it? It doesn't make sense. Gavin : It's… It's just too fucking much to process okay ? This war spirit is in me, I can feel its thirst for blood and violence all day long, and I know I can't control him because I…

Gavin just stops before he can say he's too confused with his own priorities now to have a defined goal he can use to canalize the spirit's energy. He used to know what he wanted to do with his power, but now, he feels a latent part of him wants to use it to protect his partners, Hank, and the two snowy idiots. He's still not ready to admit it outloud and thus, the spirit having no specific goal to unleash its violence, is in fact uncontrollable. 

Nines, who is a bit more honest with himself than our favorite rat, already knows he cares for Gavin more than he should in regard to his given mission, and just feels so useless when Gavin refuses to talk to him. At this point Nines only wants to help him. He looks quietly at Gavin's nape, where the seal of the war spirit is still noticeable and forms a delicate golden scar. The Golem feels a little contradictory about this scar, one part of him being satisfied and proud of the mark he was able to let on Gavin's body, and the other part of him feeling guilty for it.

Nines : I'm sorry for this. You didn't ask for it and now you have to deal with… a war spirit and unwanted killing desires. I sometimes forget you're only human, it's not in your nature to use magic. Gavin : … It's okay. Let's just… stop talking about the spirit, deal ?

Nines remains carefully silent when Gavin offers his hand in a casual manly shake. He knows humans culturally use handshakes to settle an arrangement, and decides to ignore the deep and intimate meaning of this specific gesture in his own culture. Their hands meet, as Nines' skin unwittingly turns white at the contact, but the golem doesn't pay much attention since a human can't interface anyway. Gavin's smug expression shows he's  about to say something but his grin fades away as Nines realizes their mistake : in a flash, he can feel Gavin's doubts about his unsaid desire to protect Nines despite his hatred for golems. Nines isn't sure what passed through the contact and doesn't have a clue on what impression Gavin had about his inner thoughts, or if he even felt or saw something. The human is the first to break the contact. He looks shocked, as he meets Nines' eyes and for a moment, none of them can speak. 

Gavin : The hell was that ?!

Nines is confused too : … I didn't know it would… interfaces only happen between magic creatures… Maybe… the spirit allows you to connect with me.

Gavin : What the… You read my thoughts ? Nines : It's not… mind reading. I caught a diffuse… "impression".  Gavin : … Shit.

Gavin looks suddenly so betrayed. He looks down and sideways, taking a few steps away, hands on his neck as if he was trying to hide his head between his arms. When Nines tries to get closer, he almost jumps away.

Gavin : Don't- Fuck it, don't… touch me. Nines : I'm sorry, I didn't mean to probe you. Gavin : What exactly did you… hear or whatever? Nines : … I think… I have an answer for why you can't use the spirit's violent spree. Gavin : Fuck you, that was private ! Did you search for it you fucking asshole ? Nines : Like I said, I didn't mean to interface with you ! You too must have seen something from me so stop being a child. Gavin : I didn't-

Nines waits patiently for the end of the sentence but it never comes, as some realization seems to dawn on the human warrior.

Gavin : That nice fluttering in the stomach, when we held hands, actually it was you ?

And for once, Nines is the one to remain silent, his face even but internally too embarrassed to answer the question. No wonder this sensation passed through the connection. For the few seconds their hands touched, Nines was, in a Golem way, experiencing a gesture akin to a kiss, of course he was kind of "emotionally impacted".

Nines : … As I said… let's not embarrass ourselves any further.

And at that exact moment, Gavin realizes that Nines likes him… more than a partner, more than a friend.

X

In their room, Connor is holding Hank's hand. 

Hank : So, what should we do ? Connor : I didn't think about it yet. I wanted to be here when you wake up. Hank : ...I still have three days of bed rest at the very least… Are you sure you want to lose all this time when we're so close to the goal ? I mean, we already went through the desert, you don't need me anymore. Connor : Of course I need you, Hank. Hank : Ahaha… It's nice to go easy on me like this but you don't have to- Connor : You have to trust me, when I say I need you. It's not because I think you can help me go faster or even because I think you can help me cross a specific territory. I just… need you because you mean something to me.

Hank stays quiet but tightens his hand around Connor's, looking down right at them, his large, calloused fingers embracing the golem's white and slender ones. A long and deep look into Connor's golden brown eyes tells him there is more into this already meaningful gesture than he might think.

Connor breaks the eye-contact, and Hank realizes how intense the moment was : Connor's eyes inexplicably make him feel comfortable, as if he was floating in a warm air bubble, and he instantly misses the feeling when Connor stops mirroring his gaze to look down at their hands.

Connor : You know… There is this ultimate quest upon us, something we have to achieve to save our people… And this goal governed us like it was the only thing that mattered… Maybe I'm being a selfish brat, but Hank you're so important to me, I don't want you to be injured or killed in all this. Hank : You're important to me too, Connor.  (And then Hank laughs, giving in to his stupid and unwanted feelings.) Actually, you probably couldn't even understand how much you mean to me.

When Connor meets his gaze with a puzzled expression on his face, Hank decides he has to tell him. If anything, Connor could still change his mind and keep going without him, and then Hank will be able to finally move on. He's too fucking old to pine for a pretty boy, and if it's gotta be painful then he wants it the sooner the better.

Hank : I… recently started to develop… indecent feelings… Connor, purposely obtuse: "Indecent" ? Hank : I mean... in a… hum… romantic way. Come on kid, don't make me say it. Connor : Why would "romantic" be "indecent" ? Hank : Dunno, I'm old and pathetic, you're young and cute, sounds indecent to me. Connor : Hank… I love you too. Hank : ...You, huh... Sorry what ? Connor : I mean every single word in this sentence, Hank, I really do. Hank : … Oh. 

Connor chuckles at Hank's blank expression, as his poor brain processes the information with unprecedented difficulty. And as Hank starts moving again, his brows frowning and his mouth forming an "o" like he was gonna say "why ?!", Connor just leans towards him and brushes his beard with his lips before meeting his mouth, softly.

And god, they love it. Hank leans forward to deepen the kiss, Connor catches his beard, his fingers following the edges of his chiseled jaw until they reach his neck and nestle around it.

And it's a weird sensation to Hank because he used to know what was hot passion and what was tenderness, and at this very moment, he could feel both in Connor's grip, burning fire and smooth touches at the same time. That's it, love, love everywhere.

They separate because the older man needs to breathe and hopefully, Connor remembered it because Hank was just gonna kiss him until he falls unconscious. 

Hank : Am I dead ? Connor : You're thankfully alive and safe, but you need rest. Stay calm. Hank : I can't  believe it… i'm… almost scared of falling asleep and realize you're gone when I wake up. Connor smiles smugly at this : he takes Hank's hand in his own, kisses the palm softly, his deep dark eyes locked on Hank's.  Connor : Sleep tight. I'm not going anywhere.

X

So, as soon as Hank can walk again, the party goes back to Kamski's peek.

Hank : I feel better but I admit that I don't think I'm able to fight anything right now. Maybe we can find another way ? Gavin : Humans and Golems can't beat a war spirit. But, huh… a war spirit could do. Nines : … Is that you you're talking about? Gavin : 'Know another war spirit around here ? Nines : But you… you can't control it… I mean, you're obviously facing a dilemma with your own motivations right now. I don't think you should endanger yourself in this state… Hank : What dilemma ? Gavin : Not your business. It's fine, I just need… I just need to meditate a little bit more. Connor : We don't need much more than a distraction just a moment until we reach the castle. There we'll activate the seal and it should stunt the spirit for some time. Nines : I'm not letting him go alone. Gavin : Still don't trust me, snow man ? Nines : I'm concerned for your well being. I wanna help. Hank : Well then we can do that. Nines and Gavin take care of the spirit and Connor, we get to the castle as fast as we can. You're good ? Connor : … Yeah, that sounds good. I just need to talk with Nines. In private.

Hank and Gavin just look at each other, surprised, but then they leave the brothers for their serious talk.

X

Connor : What was that ? "I'm concerned for you well being" ? Gavin is right, only a war spirit can compete with a war spirit… even if we wanted to, we couldn't help. Nines : Gavin can't control his spirit. I saw it when we interfaced, he truly can't, no matter how much he meditates, as long as he will have this dilemma, he can't make it. Connor : Wait what ?! Interfaced ? How ? Nines : Guess the spirit makes him sensible to magic connections. Connor : What's the deal ? Why can't he control it yet ? He's strong enough, and for what I know, ambitious enough, so it's only a matter of… Nines : He's confused. He grew fond of us, and he knows we're basically enemies. We're all being reckless, he's the only one to keep this truth in mind; if we can't reach Kamski, or if he refuses to help us, we'll have to go back to the war we left, go back to kill each other. He can't resign himself to accept his attachment to us if we're going to be his enemies again. Connor : … Do you think he can make it ? Against the darkness war spirit ? Nines : I don't. That's why he needs me there. If the thunder spirit takes control of his body, I'll be there to hit the seal in his neck. Connor : Oh Nines… You love him, don't  you? Nines : … We're selfish and weak, Con. This mission… our whole kind is waiting for us to succeed. And we're threatening this long awaited deliverance because we fell for humans…  Connor : ...That's why we can't fail. I understand you're worried but maybe… Maybe that's the reason why Gavin wants to try : he knows we can't fail now.

X

In the final act, Gavin and Nines get ready to fight with the war spirit, while Hank and Connor plan on reaching the castle as fast as they can, and find Kamski.

Gavin and Nines are hiding near the war spirit.

Nines : … Are you ready ? Gavin : I don't really have a choice there.

Gavin breathes deeply and steadily, to focus and calm down before entering the arena.

Nines : I'll be flying right behind you, okay ? It's factually stronger than me, so I have to maintain minimal distance with it, but I'll be ready to hit your seal when you need  me to, and help you run away if you're in a bad state.  Gavin scoffs : Thanks Snowman, I feel so confident right now, with you believing in me like this. Nines : … Sorry I just… worry. Gavin : Look, I was right, at that time, I couldn't do it and I was totally right. But today I… I'll do it. And I want to prove it to you. 

In front of Nines' incredulous stare, Gavin offers his hand : Nines narrows his eyes as he detects static electricity all around his fingers, as if his spirit was already eager to fight.

Nines : … Do you know what it means to us, Golems ? Interfacing with someone ? Gavin : Enlighten me, snow man. Nines : ...I'll tell you if we survive this fight. Gavin : Huh… fair enough. Now, take my hand, I'll show you.

Nines gulps nervously and reaches for Gavin's hand, his own fingers turning white as he gets closer to the human's warm skin.

And he can feel everything. It's a lot less blurry and chaotic than the first time, as somehow Nines' first sensation is Gavin's serenity about sharing his deep feelings. He catches a volatile thought that flies through the human mind, saying in a flippant tone "we might die, no need to get embarrassed", and smiles at it. Interfacing with Gavin is very special for some reason : Nines had interfaced with other Golems before but it was never so vibrant, so intense. "Maybe that's because we're about to die" he feels, and for a moment he wonders if that comes from him or from Gavin. Nines feels like Gavin is an extension of himself at that very moment. Suddenly, the realization he's gonna fight against a gigantic, ancient war spirit dawns on him. He feels scared, sure but somehow, confident as well. He can do it. He will do it now, because if he fails, he'd give up on his people in Detroit, his friends Hank and (surprisingly) Connor. He would give up on Nines and he's not ready to. He used to fear that he was making friends with an enemy… That they'd have to separate at some point, and go back to where they belonged, Detroit and Jericho. But if Gavin fails now, Detroit and Jericho are doomed. He used to fear that death was preying upon him… now he fears that his team could die. That Nines could…

If he fails now, Nines and he will be dead, and that is much more scary than befriending a Golem.

Nines frowns as he feels Gavin's hand twitching in his, as if he was about to draw it back. He wants to stay connected, he wants to melt into Gavin's mind, because he feels so scared right now.

All he can catch is a glimpse of something that sounds like "I have found some higher purpose in life than my own existence", before Gavin breaks the contact.

When Nines opens his eyes again, they're wet and his breath is short. Gavin too, seems a bit shaken up by the interface.

Nines wonders what exactly the human saw/felt/heard from him and feels very self conscious for a floating second. He wants to kiss the human, he can feel it in his vein, the fire of love rushing, burning his cold body. Gavin must have felt it through the interface… and somehow, Nines wonders if he knows. He doesn't seem shocked or… disgusted. 

Gavin : You okay ? Nines : Yeah… I'm ready to go.

Gavin exhales sharply : Alright, let's do this.

Nines : I've got your back. Everything will be alright.

So they get out of their hiding spot and as Nines takes off, Gavin summons the thunder spirit.

X

We then follow Hank and Connor, who are climbing up the rocky column at the top of which Kamski established his castle. Actually, Hank climbs it and Connor flies around to help him find the safe grips. 

They're constantly attacked by monsters with long members (parts of the war spirit), and can't fight them all back. They decide to run forward, and they finally reach a huge grid in a tunnel : Connor can pass between two bars, but Hank can't. Behind them, the monsters are getting closer.

Hank : Run before they catch us up ! Connor : Wait, there must be a way for you- Hank : I'm sure there must be, Connor, but we won't find the solution in the next few minutes we have. You have to keep going without me. Connor : What are you gonna do ? They're gonna outnumber you, and… and you're still healing from the last injury--- Hank : You have to find Kamski ! He must know how to stop those monsters, and the war spirit out there. He can help us ! Connor : … Yeah, right.

Connor puts his hands on the floor and ice columns grow up from the ground, keeping Hank in a safe space. When the man looks back at Connor with tenderness and gratitude, Connor kisses him through the bars.

Connor : The ice won't last long but it can buy you some time… Hank I… I love you. Don't let me down. Hank : I swear. Now, run, and don't look back.

Connor nods and starts running to the castle, as the monsters start to attack ferociously the ice cage Connor created. Hank knows it's not gonna last much longer, and that he'll have to fight. He prays to be able to see Connor again.

[kiseiakhun]

What are your feelings on Kyle/Jason/Wally. I kinda think it might happen if Kyle had a crush on both. Accidentally tells Wally. Teasing. Jason finding out. Jason and Wally overdramaticly flirting. Dick finds out and Kyle dying from the close proximity of both Jason/Wally Wally/Jason Jason/Kyle Wally/Kyle. And then Flirting/Showing off intensifying. Although I don't really know much about Wally or Kyle. ❤

RUBS HANDS TOGETHER

Hello? This is the greatest ask anyone’s ever sent me. Kyle is a lovey-dovey dumbass who falls in love after two seconds of knowing someone, so like. It’s real. It’s very real. He and Wally would’ve had their thing first? Because of their whole enemies to lovers arc in JL, except - because of that whole dynamic where they started off ragging on each other, I feel like they both would’ve been oblivious to their feelings. Add in a healthy dose of compulsory heterosexuality from Kyle, and yeah... the adults of the League have probably been waiting years for that ship to sail, except the babies just keep being oblivious dunderheads.

(Wally realized in his teen years that he’s not strictly heterosexual, because being on a team with Dick Grayson when you’re male tends to draw out any bent inclinations very, very quickly. It’s just. Kyle is the snot-nosed rookie too big for his britches. He’s a baby? He’s an infant. Wally is not attracted to an infant, wtf.)

And then Kyle goes off on his journey of self-discovery with Donna and Jason. Well, journey of self-discovery for him, because Jason’s ass and body and his devil-may-care tough guy attitude is the culmination of Kyle’s bisexual crisis. Seriously, countdown is basically Kyle going “ugh, that stupid hot sexy asshole is so hot and sexy around Donna, there’s no way she can resist him. Why is he attractive? He needs to stop. I’m going to fight him because he’s TOO HOT.” It’s incredible. If the writers weren’t cowards, countdown would’ve ended with them being in a triad.

Donna’s probably the one who points out that mayhaps... Kyle’s constant mooning over Jason might mean something different... and Kyle’s like wtf, no. And then he actually thinks about it, because Kyle’s one of maybe two (2) men in the dcu who has a semblance of emotional intelligence (idk who the other one is, but I’m sure he’s out there) (edit: it’s Connor. Connor Hawke. Connor is the other man. I was going to say Clark but Clark keeps going to extremes whenever he or his are threatened and. like. he tries, bless his heart, but there’s still a lot of repression going on with him) and he’s like wait. Fuck. Well what do I do with this information!! It’s not like Jason is into guys!!!

To which Donna just looks at him like, how are you so smart yet so stupid at the same time. She remembers how baby Jason mooned over Roy and Dick as much as he mooned over her. She Remembers.

(Also, lbr, Donna’s very experienced by now at dealing with dumb boys in denial about their non-het leanings. See previous statements about being on a team with Dick Grayson. She saw all of it, man. She’s seen so much.)

Cue Kyle, sitting bolt upright in bed after they’ve just wound down for the night and just saying, “Oh my god, Wally.”

And Donna’s just like, yup.

And Jason’s just like ? wtf is that asshole up to now. Whatever, idc, blissfully unaware of Kyle’s bi panic.

Anyway. The world is saved, and they get back to their Earth, and Kyle manages to put it aside because Everything Happens So Much. He’s the Green fking Lantern, okay, he doesn’t have time to deal with sexuality crises, except. Except. It won’t leave him alone?

Like, in his downtime he hangs out with Wally a lot since they’re friends, and oh yes, hello raging crush that he can no longer pretend isn’t a thing, because once Kyle acknowledges his attraction? That is it, man, there’s no turning back from that point. And ik that in canon, Jason threw a snitfit and left Kyle and Donna in the middle of their happy fun space adventure fieldtrip, but let’s say he didn’t have a sudden ooc personality turn because of writer mandate, and he stayed with Kyle and Donna until the end of their journey, and they stayed in touch.

And Kyle realizes, to his horror, that Jason is charming, and funny, and not bad on the eyes, and fuuuuck. This isn’t really helping his stupid dumb crush. Stupid dumb crushes. Goddamn.

(Sometimes Jason even joins him in his Space Adventures because of his new team. More specifically, Kori and her shiny new spaceship that can sustain humans in space conditions, and he is not jealous, shut up, Roy.)

(Roy caught on pretty quickly, because he’s much more empathetic and in tune with other peoples emotions than he pretends to be 90% of the time. Unfortunately, he only uses his powers for chaos.)

Ofc, Wally would start getting curious about Jason eventually because suddenly this kid is fucking everywhere? Dick’s calling on him for intel in the middle of a firefight, and he’s ragging on Roy’s atrocious dress sense, and he’s joking with Donna and Kyle’s giving him the same shit that he used to give to Wally, excuse me. Wasn’t he a villain or something? The last time Wally paid attention to him, he was sawing heads off in Gotham, and now Wally can’t seem to turn without tripping over him. When the fuck did that even happen?

(I’m not sure if Wally ever met Robin!Jason. Hm. Were Jason’s guest-appearances on the team during when Wally was pulling one of his stints of... I don’t WANT to be a hero, I want to be a NORMAL BOY who goes to COLLEGE, even though I literally re-created the Flash’s lab accident down to the letter just so I can have his powers and be a hero and save the world? ... ykw, we don’t acknowledge that era of Wally. This was back when he was a meninist incel or something. Ick.)

... and damn, Wally really can trip over him now, huh. Because he sure did grow up big, and strong, and rugged, and haha fuck now Dick is starting to glare at him, too, and not just at Roy, abort, abort.

...... Wally does attempt to subtly ask Roy, later, if there’s any truth to the statements about him and Jason and Kori that Roy says to Dick to get him all riled up. I say “attempt to” because Wally is bad at subtlety. It’s part of why he and Kyle get along so well. Roy realizes what he’s asking and he about has an apoplexy because Wally? Wally? Now there’s a surprise contender he did not expect, tossing his hat into the ring.

But also. Also... hot.

Roy and Kori are watching all of this while munching popcorn like damn, this is better than TV. Because Kyle’s having his crisis, his Love crisis, and Wally’s having his oh my god why do I find my best friend’s little brother hot crisis, and Jason is just happily oblivious to all of this, because he’s too busy angsting over his dad not loving him enough and dismantling trafficking rings and being the big, bad scourge of Gotham to notice Kyle pining after him like a lovelorn puppy, and Wally eyeing him appreciatively like he hasn’t eaten in a whole hour and Jason is a tender piece of marbled steak roasted on both sides to perfection. He does notice the way Kyle and Wally look at each other, though, because he’s only observant when it comes to the positive emotions of other people. And he is not stepping in the middle of that, tyvm, because from what Roy’s told him the two of them have a looooong history and he does not want to get caught in the middle of that crossfire.

Roy and Kori are both like, what makes you think it’s going to get messy, anyway? And Jason, whose real world examples of functioning relationships are 1. Willis and Catherine Todd, 2. Bruce and Selina, 3. Bruce and Talia, 4. Dick and all his exes, 5. Roy and all of his not-exes because he doesn’t date but people keep falling in love with him anyway and he panics and ghosts them because he is Roy William Commitment Issues Harper, 6. Kori and whatever the fuck she’s got going on with Dick and like, an ex? back on Tamaran? who she might still be married to?? what the fuck, 7. Kyle and Donna and their messy breakup(s)(?) (Jason doesn’t ask, because he Does Not Want To Know) (he’s too busy repressing to realize it’s half because of jealousy), is just like, that’s just how things go.

And Roy and Kori, both having mentally run through all of those ^ options while Jason was thinking of a response, are just like. ... yeah, alright, that’s fair enough.

God, every single relationship in DC is a mess.

Where was I even going with this?

Oh, right. Basically, Kyle is pining like a lovelorn idiot, Wally doesn’t know what the fuck he’s feeling and it’s making him confused, and Jason is ignoring his feelings because maybe if he just represses them hard enough, they won’t spill over and punch him in the face. Honestly, I see Wally making the first move, because his inadequacy issues don’t run as deep as Jason and Kyle’s do, and Kyle’s just like :D and Jason’s like, what the fuck. What the fuck? Because it literally blindsides him, even though it’s stupidly, painfully obvious to everyone else around him.

Either that, or Roy gets sick enough of watching their lovelorn pining, and employs Dick’s help to lock them all in a closet, naked, and fuck it out.

(Dick doesn’t actually disapprove of Jason sleeping with his friends, he just needs to get over his mental block of still seeing Jason as a baby)

Anyway. They’re all a whole-ass mess.

[randomfandomimagine]

End Of The Year Faves

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 8 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome work!

I was tagged by @myriadimagines and @musicallisto, thank you, lovelies!

10. Zack Fair (FFVII) gif imagine

I really love this one because it’s like the definition of short and sweet. It’s adorable, warm and I think I got Zack’s characterization pretty well and I often reread it when I need a smile. I just love my boy Zack and how this little thing turned out.

9. Connor (DBH) prompt (”I shouldn’t be in love with you”)

The reason I love this one it’s because I wrote it as one of my favorite things to write: a character study. I tried to express Connor’s struggle as he develops feelings for the reader and how conflicted he would be to have fallen in love with someone, having developed such a human thing as feelings. One of the many reasons why I love Connor is because of his arc in the game, because of how guilty he feels for becoming deviant despite being the very android that hunts them, it just gets to me. I’m just really glad that I could explore that in this prompt and that I managed to show it properly as well as make this more angsty, since my specialty is usually fluff.

8. Yennefer (Witcher) prompt (”I shouldn’t be in love with you” “Are you jealous?” “I’m so scared”)

This is the only Yennefer request I’ve ever gotten (besides one for a dating would include that I had already written), and I had so much fun writing it! Yennefer has appeared in my Witcher writings a lot, but never as a main character and never as a love interest, so that’s why this was so cool! I think she’s a very interesting character, so I really enjoyed getting the chance to explore her personality. I love how it turned out because I think it’s the perfect balance between her being sly and also being loving and showing her feelings for the reader. 

7. Too Nice (John Ambrose McClaren, TATBILB ficlet)

John Ambrose is another character I really like writing for. What can I say? I fell in love with him and it was great to write something for him. This is somewhere between love and almost hate, with a lot of misunderstandings and complex feelings that ultimately lead to a happy fluffy ending. He’s just the sweetest and it was curious to write his reactions to someone who doesn’t always respond well to his kindness, even if because it flusters them.

6. Special (Howl Pendragon, HMC ficlet)

And yet another character I love. It was a bit hard settling on just one version of the character, because I love both the movie and book versions, so I tried to make it a little bit of both... even if this Howl is more suave and charming like in the movie rather than the absolute endearing disaster that book Howl is. Still, I always have fun getting other characters involved with the reader and their love interest, so I loved adding Calcifer and Marko to the mix. As well as the cute interactions Howl and reader have, I love the ending in which he hints at the fact that the reader unlocked something in his heart that he didn’t think was possible.

5. Kind (Jesse Pinkman, Breaking Bad ficlet)

I don’t often get to write about Jesse, so this was awesome! Peekaboo was one of my favorite episodes and it was amazing to get to explore it. While it’s not perfect, I really like how the connection between Jesse and reader turned out, how kind (:D) he is and patient and respectful, and I think I also poured a lot of emotion to the reader with that background.

4. Separated (Zuko, ATLA ficlet)

By this point, it’s obvious that I’m more proud of ficlets (because they’re longer and take more planning and more time and effort) and about characters I love because I think the passion I have for them is more obvious. I wrote this one right when I was watching ATLA because I loved (and still love) Zuko so much. It’s sort of a character study as well (it’s established that I adore writing them) and I’m so glad that I had the idea of getting Iroh involved because he’s awesome. This ficlet just has a lot of pining and repressed emotions that come out in the end and I love it.

3. Weight On His Shoulders (PS4 Peter Parker ficlet)

This one if pretty recent, as I wrote it after beating the game myself. This game is just awesome, and this is my favorite representation of Peter ever. He’s cute, charming, nerdy, loving, kind, a bit awkward and just everything that Peter and Spidey should be (at least for me). I wanted to represent both his personas in this one, and I like the balance I achieved with it as well as the emotions, the pining, the secret identity and in the end the understanding of the reader. The part with Spidey saving reader is great and I’m very happy with how reader is prepared to confront him about it once they learn he’s Spiderman only to change their mind when they see how much it’s weighing on him so they decide to relax with him for a bit.

2. Reunion (Cloud Strife, FFVII ficlet)

I’ve written a lot of things for this fandom this year because I was super inspired after beating the remake with my brother, I loved it (honorable mentions to Heal My Heart and Stars In Your Eyes, two other ficlets that I wrote and I’m very proud of). Cloud has always been one of my favorite characters, and in this one I got to examine a side of him I usually don’t. Not only does this ficlet include Zack Fair (another one of my favorite characters) but it also goes along with an idea I had been thinking about for a long time of a female reader pretending to be a boy to get into SOLDIER and becoming friends with them, but it also shows Cloud as the meeker and shy boy he is in Crisis Core. It was so cool to write about him back then and after once he had joined AVALANCHE. His relationship with the reader was also bittersweet because of their past and it’s just so complex and emotional that I love it, especially their reunion at the end.

1. Soul of a Warrior (Jaskier x Nissa, The Witcher Fanfiction Series). This was a big project, as series always are. I spent several months planning and plotting the story and even more months writing it, and also revising it once it was finished before posting it. I put so much effort, love and time into this series that it absolutely had to be number one. Soul of a Warrior is probably the thing I’m most proud of (that I have written) in 2020. 

As most of you know (my mutuals definitely do, as they have gifted me amazing things with him), Jaskier is probably the character I fangirled the hardest about this year. I wrote many things for him (the ficlet What Would You Do Without Me? deserves another honorable mention because it’s probably my favorite thing I’ve written this year along with the series) and working on each of them has brought me so much serotonin. Jaskier is just such an amazing character, loving and compassionate but cheeky and selfish while at the same time being charming, optimistic, bubbly, extroverted and a huge flirt. So many layers!

But back to the series... Soul of a Warrior had one of the best faceclaims I’ve found, the sweetest friendship between my OC Nissa and Geralt and the slowest of burns romances with Jaskier. Him and Nissa are very similar in some aspects, so much so that they’re both too blind to realize the other’s feelings (idiots to lovers, am I right?) but they care so much about one another. The three of them were strangers, but they become family (found family, another one for the fandom bingo!) and I’m the proudest of how real and organic their relationship feels. Not to mention that their dynamic was super fun to write because Geralt is the only one that knows they’re in love and is so fed up and exasperated with their obliviousness. As well as this, I think I managed to mix action, emotion and depth really well. My secondary OCs feel more alive than others before them, Nissa was pretty complex and coherent and had a true voice of her own, and their part on the story feels important. There are tense moments, cute ones, sad ones, tragic ones... a little bit of everything. I think this one as a lot more angst and whump because I was in a bit of a dark place when I wrote it, but it still has hope and light in it, which I really love. The series also has a lot more violence than what I’m used to, but it was interesting to get out of my comfort zone a bit. 

Overall, not only do I think it’s fun to read, compelling, funny and emotional all at once, I’m just very proud that I managed to write something a little different from what I usually do and feel like I did it well. I put a big part of me in this series and for that reason Soul of a Warrior will always have a special place in my heart 💜

That it’s, sorry if I ranted a bit! I tag anyone who wants to do this!! 

[fictionalplagueproductions]

If The World Was Ending

Part 2 - It Didn’t Scare Me

Part 1    Part 2    Part 3

Story Summary:  Gavin is on the hunt for his missing android when the U.S. Government announces the end of the world. The end of his world. A world without his precious Nines.

Chapter Summary: Connor has managed to escape the clutches of android genocide, but Gavin isn't sure if the same can be said for Nines.

Pairing: Reed900 (Gavin Reed x RK900)

Rating: Explicit

Notes:

Based on the song “If the World Was Ending” by JP Saxe and Julia Michaels.

Short Three-Part Story (so I can channel this desire to make Reed900 come alive)

The progress of Gavin’s relationship with Nines was practically nonexistent. Between a man who refused to admit to his faults and an android built without social protocols, it was near impossible to get anything to happen. Not to mention, android prejudice was becoming a real threat for androids and their sympathizers.

Jim Crow laws had nothing on the division that androids were undergoing now, being collected and forced into the entire state of Michigan, that is. The government called it a “remedial period” in order to adjust to android integration and develop the proper rights specific to robotic sentients. Humans were allowed to stay if they elected to; some left, most begrudgingly stayed due to the inconvenience of moving.

There had been a few brave souls to come out about their relationships with the opposing species during this time. Gavin and Nines weren’t one of them. Rather, Gavin had not been. Although fresh into deviation, Nines was willfully blind to the hatred that people inflicted upon androids (despite the illegality of it). He had been prepared to tell the entire precinct the day they first kissed but didn’t per Gavin’s request.

He wasn’t ready.

Setting aside political excuses, Gavin was his own relationship inhibitor. Commencing these romantic interests with Nines was refuting the false exterior he had displayed for so long. Coming out to the world would create problems he was dead set on carrying with him to the grave. He had upkept a heterosexual reputation for so long, he wasn’t sure how to be anything else around his family and coworkers without embarrassing himself by mocking silly stereotypes. It didn’t help that Gavin was notorious for being against androids – what insults would he be subject to if they all knew?

As anyone might guess, there was hardly a “honeymoon phase” for the private couple. What they considered “dates” would have been any ordinary lunch break or sleepover for the typical person. It’s not that they didn’t enjoy the time they spent together, but it was always anti-climactic and never much contributed to the progression of their relationship.

For several months, doubt stacked against them.

It became second nature to squabble with one another when they crossed paths merely to maintain utmost confidentiality. They had both agreed the effectiveness of this plan; it was the safest preventative measure to anyone discovering the truth. And besides, the feelings of hate for each other would always subside by the end of the day. As soon as the pair stepped into Gavin’s rust-bucket-on-wheels, Nines’ attitude melted like nothing offensive had transpired from his mouth in the last twelve hours.

Gavin could forget for a while. Especially when Nines stared at him in that special way… that pleading, merciful stare which signified he was about to kiss him. Yes, he could forget entirely.

Until one day he couldn’t: a day in which he had found himself lying on Hank Anderson’s living room sofa.

“You don’t have to sit all the way over there, you know? They’ll be out of town for the entire weekend,” Nines had said. “I have their GPS locations, too, in case any plans have been changed.”

Gavin believed his android. That’s not why he distanced himself. “I know,” he mumbled, slaving his eyes to the television.

Nines was silent for several minutes. “I don’t want to do this anymore,” came his contingent response.

The heartbeat indicating Gavin’s pressing existence quickened under the flatline of words. He was sure Nines could and had picked up on it. “Do what?” he snapped back, though his misleading disruptive tone did not match the building fear within him.

“I don’t want to keep pretending.” The android pierced him with a sharp glare. “I don’t like hating you. I was programmed to be emotionless in spite of personifying assimilations. Do you know how difficult it is to override such programs and to express emotions anyway? To feel emotions? Wasting my energy on an action that I have no desire to perform is exhaustive and it confuses my ability to love you.”

Gavin sputtered, “Did you just say ‘lo-’.”

“Please Gavin,” interrupted Nines. He was undeniably aggravated. “It’s put distance between us. I know I have little knowledge and experiences with ‘dating’, but I know that it’s typical to have a common goal of becoming familiar with a chosen partner and sharing such feelings with one another. As far as we’re concerned, we’ve hardly done anything of the sort. I mean, look at you, you’re sitting all the way over there…” Despite the stolidity in his demeanors, his voice cracked for the very first time Gavin had ever witnessed. “…and I want you over here.”

Gavin was no sympathy-cryer, but it was becoming apparent how little credit he gave Nines. He swallowed the building tears down to speak. “I…uh…I didn’t know you were feeling all of this.”

Nines scowled. “I may not be well-versed in the ways of acting the part of ‘boyfriend’, but I thought it was an obvious concept that lovers should want to enjoy their time with each other. I had hoped that this weekend we might have the opportunity to overcome some barriers, that you might be able to tell me you’re ready. I….I… never thought I would be the one stupidly pining over an emotional skin-sack to make some sort of romantic gesture.” He was raising his voice now. “I felt closer to you when you actually hated me before any of this.”

Gavin sunk into the cushions, absorbing the uncertainty his android was exuding all of a sudden. How had he not realized? Nines had always appeared so self-assured about everything. How was he supposed to have realized? His voice relinquished an untrying defeat, “I-I’m sorry. Fuck, I don’t know what to do. I’ve always been so terrible…”

“At relationships or in general?” asked Nines, though his facial expression did not indicate a cynical undertone.

“Both,” he heaved. “Nines?”

“Hm?”

Gavin shifted uncomfortably under the burden of his thoughts. “Do you…ahem…uh, love me?”

“Of course, I do.” The android rolled his eyes as if the answer was an obvious one. “What’s this all been about if not for love?”

A growing pause erupted between them, then was broken by the anguished man. “H-How long?”

Nines, all of a sudden, seemed to comprehend the weight of his words and moved his lips apprehensively before speaking their contents.  “Some time ago, I suppose. It wasn’t a concept I understood well until Connor pressed me to study and indulge in human culture. For a long time, until then, you were just Detective Reed. And then…”

He slowed to a stop, now staring through Gavin as if recalling the memory. His menacing ring spun red and Gavin half-expected for the android to blow a gasket at the bunched skin forming along his forehead.  “…You told me to ‘go fuck myself’ for the one-hundred-and-twentieth time after I had informed you that patching my wounds with bandages and alcohol was futile. Your profane terms, I then realized, came from an endearing place… I found myself considering your actions, thereafter, studying you more than I typically would another human. It eventually led to my affections for you. Why do you ask?”

Gavin, himself, remembered that alarming day like it had happened just yesterday. It was the day he, too, realized he had grown to not regret the android’s presence. “The bullet didn’t hit a biocomponent, Detective Reed,” Nines had groaned. In that moment, the simulated pain erupting from his partner’s movements embodied that of a true human. It was more than convincing, so much so that Gavin was still very much convinced to this day that he was, in fact, human.

“That-That is a big word, Nines. It’s…not just ‘like’. It’s a complicated word.” He couldn’t bring himself to say it again. It was a word that burned his tongue every time it bugged up his throat; a humiliating form of gutting your innards and displaying them to the world.

His android considered this for a moment. “Love is described in several different ways, existing dependently on the perception of a person and what they value in another. I value your stubborn loyalty, Gavin, and the way you stupidly care for my wellbeing.” Another pause. “Do you love me, Gavin?”

That damned word roared through Gavin’s head, stirring in disbelief that someone had the ability to say it so confidently; and to have someone so perfect say it to him… Could he say it back? Could he even push the syllable through his lips? As bitter as it tasted, his response was not a matter of knowing the answer, but rather recognizing the consequences that accompanied his candor.

Could he say it?

“Yeah,” he exhaled, then corrected with a stronger “yes.” An immediate blush flushed from his ears to his toes. What an idiot, he had thought to himself immediately. Somehow, the admittance attracted more humility.

Nines smiled but made haste in his following words: “I’ve been an obedient android for most of my short life,” he spoke rigidly. “Now, I have to demand of you that things change if our relationship is to advance into more intimate parameters. You may have some time to figure out how you desire to go about it, but I require it to be within the next thirty days.” Regardless of his human’s wandering eyes, Nines coerced them to land safely on his own. “I love you, Gavin,” he said firmly, lulling into a softer tone. “I love you and I want more than this silly scheme you’re trying to conduct.”

“It’s not that eas-” Gavin tried, quickly cut off by his partner.

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear a single word you say when you’re sitting all the way over there!”

The android smirked, knowing his partner was fully aware of his keen hearing abilities. Bullheadedly, Gavin remained glued to his spot. “Okay,” hummed Nines, shifting onto all fours and crawling overtop of his human’s sprawled body. He slipped a palm underneath the awaiting man’s chin and flickered a glance to his lips. “You know I always get my way, why do you beset me to this tactic every time?”

Gavin turned away, forcing himself not to fall for the android’s seductive touch.

“That’s never worked either.” Nines fixed the man’s gaze back onto him with a gentle press against his cheek. “Gavin? I’m not asking. I may be android, but my deviancy is as untame as your own human chaos. And you’re not alone. I will help you through this.”

Gavin bit at his lip, still attempting to avoid eye contact but ultimately unable to resist the reflective pools pouring infirmity into him. “All right,” he breathed. “I-I’ll do it.”

It was the right answer. Nines had never been the greatest at reading into signs, but he was sure now – without the aid of dubious internet forums – that he should kiss this man that he loved. And he reminded this man that he loved him as he planted his lips gently onto his taut skin. Afterwards, Nines leaned back, gazing at his boyfriend expectantly. “I love you, too,” said he finally, cracking a genuine smile for possibly the first time in days.

Clearly satisfied, Nines hooked around Gavin’s jawline and dove down to meet him hungrily, asking now for a more invigorating stimulation. He shivered when fingers snaked through his synthetic locks, returning the intimate gesture.

Making out was about as far as they had ever gone. Keeping things a secret on top of their natural boundaries made for uneventful cock-blocks. But after everything that had ensued, Gavin was ready to take it to the next level.

Everyone would know about them by the end of the week, anyway; he would tell them all. Nines, the “socially inept” android wanted to be his boyfriend publicly. How could Gavin say no to such requests when his partner had already overcome a great feat himself? It was his turn, now.

Shit, Nines loved him.

From below, he slipped a clutching hand beneath the android’s indigo turtleneck and sunk fingernails into plastic skin that felt so real. Nines copied the action from on top of him. They were mostly motionless save for their conjoined mouths, and the lack of bodily movement didn’t concern Gavin at first. But when his android let a grunt slip, there was no restraining the leg that mounted over Nines’ ass and the upward thrust that grew Gavin to the vastness of his length. He wasn’t sure if Nines knew how to properly reciprocate, though Gavin was more than happy to continue to oblige in the repetitive movements.

The body became stiff above him and it fell in response. Not quite what he was expecting.

Nines then dropped into dead weight altogether, halting Gavin’s accelerating speed. “I don’t know what you want.”

“What do you mean?” asked Gavin. He thought it had been more than obvious what he was trying to segue into. After the bathroom incident, Gavin had ignorantly assumed all androids were capable of “doing it”. Had he been wrong? “Can you not-?”

“I can perform sexual actions, if that’s what you mean. It’s just, I’m not yet equipped.”

“Oh.” His wonder did not end there, curious as to how the part would attach and what was in place of the regular male form. Gavin imagined a bare Ken Doll, nakedly plastic in all its glory, sporting a mere bulge with no real appendage to put on display. The fickle state his android appeared to be in, however, told him tonight wasn’t the night to pry about such curiosities. “That’s okay, I was feeling tired anyways. Let’s just finish this movie.”

The android hesitated before sliding off of him and positioning himself along the edge of the couch, allowing himself to be encompassed by Gavin’s smaller yet protective frame. Although Gavin had hoped for more after exchanging such heavy vows, having his boyfriend back in his arms was satisfying enough. He fastened himself tightly around Nines like he would dissipate into thin air and rested a chin neatly over his blue LED.

Moments passed, then it flickered red. “Gavin? I’m still aroused, you know? After all, endorphins – human and android – aren’t produced in the genitalia.”

“What’re you trying to say?”

“I’m saying,” continued Nines with a growing devious grin, “that just because one of us doesn’t have the part, doesn’t mean we can’t still have a pleasing night.” The android looked over his shoulder at his human, feeling a lump beginning to swell against his backside.

Gavin felt his breath go hot as Nines shifted to face him, his expression spoiled with desire.

They had sex for the very first time on Hank Anderson’s couch.

A week later, Gavin was regretting the memory. Not because it wasn’t a pleasant one – in fact, it was so pleasant that, despite the harrowing circumstances, a warmth built in his groin when Connor invited him to take a seat in the exact spot that Nines had been bent over for him. But the feeling did not last long, soon replaced by a pang of melancholy.

Where was Nines now and why wasn’t he with Connor?

“I thought you knew?” asked the RK800. “He was with you last night when they broke the news…” He sat across from Gavin on the love seat.

“W-What? No he wasn’t-.”

Connor dismissed him with a wave of his hand. “Nines isn’t that sneaky. Even in my stasis, I could hear him fumbling with the doorknob. ‘Faster, stronger, and more resilient’, sure, but not a single drop of stealth thirium in him,” he snickered as a side-note. “He also hates lying, so he had a shaky alibi at best when I questioned his whereabouts. I was able to eventually put two-and-two together when your bickering increased excessively, assisted by no considerable motive.” Through a heavy frown, the older android managed to yank a line into the end where his lips met and grinned at the reddening man. “Did I crack the case, Detective?”

Gavin moaned, “I didn’t come here to play games. Look, even if all that were true – which I’m not saying it is – I just want to know where he is.” Desperation edged into his voice. “O-Or to know that he’s safe.”

“I wish I could say that he is. He…He left a few hours ago.”

“What?” Gavin nearly jumped out of his seat. “Where did he go? It’s not safe for him out there right now!”

“I know that. He chose to leave on his own accord. We share many qualities, but while hiding out here, he came to this strange conclusion that androids weren’t meant to coexist with humans. He thinks androids are the reason the country has become divided.” After every word that fell from Connor’s mouth, Gavin’s hope strained like a game of Jenga; a slow removal, piece-by-piece, that would inevitably lead to a thundering tumble. “He said it was for the best that everything was happening the way it was…”

“Spit it out already, Tin Can. Where’d he go?”

Connor choked on his final sentence, somehow appearing shocked by the words ghosting in his throat. “Nines turned himself into the nearest camp.”

In all his years of detective work, Gavin would never have suspected an android such as Nines to act as a martyr for his entire race. No, scratch that; this wasn’t a martyr. How could that be so if Nines was against his own kind?

“Why didn’t you stop him?” Gavin entered into a growl, targeting Connor now. The android seemed torn up about it as much as he was, but his was the only face he could put forth blame.

“I tried, Gavin, but you know Nines as well as I do, if not better. When his mind is made up…well, I guess you guys really made quite the match.”

“Yeah…” was all he could manage in response. Images of a Nines stripped of all of his human clothing and skin pulsed afront the detective’s own eyes. Fear rung his heart like a punching bag. It was enough to cause him to lose his breath, enticing a sharp black movement across his sights, and suddenly the world was but a dream.

He woke up to Connor placing ice cubes over his wrists and speaking to him softly. “Nines loved you, you know? It was obvious to both Hank and I. Hank wasn’t too thrilled about it…but Nines seemed much happier for a long time after we figured it out. And really… how can we be mad when you showed him what makes deviation so remarkable? What makes… being human so remarkable?”

Gavin shot up from the floor, pushing the android’s helping hands out of the way. “Iye needta go find ‘im.” The older RK did not follow him out the door – he couldn’t have stopped him, anyway.

Nines was out there somewhere.

He wasn’t dead yet.

Gavin could feel it.

Even when he traversed the local camps that had already been put up in the last ten hours without any sign of the broad android, Gavin pushed on.

He pushed on, assuring himself that Nines was still present in this world.

Nines was here.

He had to be.

He had to be, didn’t he? After all, androids were built to endure for much longer than the fragile human life. It was humans that grew determinately, breaking back down into simple compounds and returning to the earth after just a few decades. Nines was supposed to watch him grow old.

No, Nines was not supposed to be the one to die.

Nines deserved to live more than any one of them, android or human.

It wasn’t supposed to be him.

It wasn’t supposed to be him.

When, finally, the sun was set far beyond its mantle, Gavin had to call it a night. And furthermore, painfully accept the mortality of his partner, of his boyfriend.

It wasn’t a fair conclusion. Androids were sentenced to death because the U.S. government couldn’t handle the thought of losing another source of enslavement. As selfish as Gavin was to journey only to save his android, his mind had developed change over just a few short months. It was hard to deny their sentience, since denying it would have meant that Gavin was falling for a toaster.

No, it was unfair and there was nothing he could do.

Nines was gone. The one good thing that had entered his life was gone.

And there was nothing he could do.

Anger boiled through his fingertips as he went to climb out of his car.

There was nothing he could do.

Gavin tossed his backpack onto the concrete ledge to retrieve later and faced the open car door. He clenched a fist around the handle and slammed it shut. Then he opened it again, shoving the damned metal with two hands now back into place. He did this several times, hastening his pace until he was sure the metal had forged a new crater.

Nines was gone.

Gavin thumped his head against the roof and angled an arm around himself protectively. That’s when the sobbing commenced. A few hot tears first burned in his sockets procured from the heat of the moment, then subsequently melted into a downpour of bitter release. Saltwater oozed past his cheeks, mingling with the slimy discharge that leaked from his nose, and adhering further down to the drool that he lacked even the simplest of strength to swallow.

With each internal repetition of his own mantra, he slammed his head harder into the rusted metal:

“He’s gone.”

Thump.

“He’s gone.”

Thump.

And there was nothing he could do.

Nothing.

Not a single goddamn thing.

Time was a mere subjective entity to the broken man. It wasn’t until the chilling air exhausted his exoskeleton of numbness that he realized his tears ducts were emptied and his feet ached for cushion. Gavin drudged up the staircase to his apartment, stumbling over every step and dragging his pack by the tips of two fingers. It reminded him of all the times he had needed Nines’ assistance through his drunken stupors. His now lost ability to climb during these muddled states came as a surprise to Gavin; he had become more dependent on the android than expected.

Eventually, Gavin achieved his minor plight, falling against his apartment door and gripping the handle for balance. It took several heaves to catch his breath and a few extra beats in between for courage before he could bind the lock with its respective key; a distinguishable challenge on its own through the bubble beginning to well from his bottom eyelids. When the door swung open, Gavin could do nothing more than to stumble inside and accept the turmoil his heart revved within him.

As he went to kick the door shut, however, a movement startled his quakes into stillness and he called out into the darkness. “Who’s there?”

Heavy stepping erupted from his room and Gavin was quick to reach for his concealed carry. Slowly, the light above him crawled along the body of a man with hands raised in surrender. A red circular blink raised high among the shadow identified him before the light could touch his face.

“Gavin,” lamented a voice, just above a whisper. Bright grey eyes reflected under the aged fluorescence, glimmering wistfully at him.

The bubbles swishing in Gavin’s sights finally popped, spilling over and singing his raw skin. His hands separated from each other and the gun went slack at his side, him ogling the floor while doing so – refusing to believe the illusion set in front of him. Then, without any preamble, he recoiled his arm and tossed the firearm recklessly into the wall beside of Nines.

The android did not move.

“You fuck-fucking shithead!”

[connorandersons-blog]

Family Reunion

Rating: mature

Ship: Connor/Gavin

Word count: 2,095

Chapter: 5/5

Summary: Gavin is going to a family reunion, but he doesn't have a date. Of course, he has to ask the android he's been pining for. What could possibly go wrong?

Tags: Trans Gavin, fake/pretend Relationship, mutual pining, bi Connor, ace Connor, gay Gavin, Ken Doll Android Anatomy, Sharing a bed, first kiss

THIS WILL HAVE NSFW CONTENT

-------------------

The morning came too soon. Gavin got up, and Connor followed along, both staying silent. He knew this would be the perfect time to talk, but doubt gnawed at his wires.

When they got back, Kamski was already up but Chloe wasn't, so Connor offered to make the food for the humans.

Gavin didn't stay in the kitchen, instead, moving around the house and making sure it was ready.

Everyone was up and about by nine, and Shona had Connor, Kas, Chloe, and Dylan put the tent up. Apparently, they used to do it without the tent but it had rained on too many reunions, and it helped with any wind or bugs.

The four of them got the massive tent set up in no time and started dragging the tables and chairs out.

Connor hadn't realized just how many people were coming over until Kas mentioned that they never had enough chairs.

Then the people started coming in. Some had flown in that morning while it only took a few minutes for the others to get there. It was interesting to see how many different cultures there were in one family.

At some point, Gavin had found his way over to Connor and started pointing out family members he remembered.

It was sweet, but he could just have easily scanned them for their names along with other information he wouldn't need.

Some people didn't seem to mind Connor, some were excited to meet him and others outright avoided him. At least it seemed like no one wanted to start a fight.

It was around three when everyone had arrived and Connor was impressed. He smiled at the ones that greeted him with smiles. One older lady had even kissed him in greeting. He took it in stride and just chuckled.

There was music in the back and food set up. There was also a separate table for android food and drinks. Connor was surprised for a second before looking around and scanning everyone.

There were more androids than he expected. At least 3% of the people there had brought an android with them. Some were partners, others just friends and a few had children.

Gavin got pulled into a few dances by his younger relatives, and when he went to sit he was pestered with questions. A young girl came up and Gavin sat her on his lap while she talked about who knows what. Then once she was apparently done talking she scooted off and ran back to wherever she came from.

"You're good with kids," Connor said after watching for a while.

Gavin snorted and shook his head. "These guys are pests, but I love them."

He'd never seen Gavin smile so much before and Connor was instantly glad he had agreed to come. Even if he had made things awkward it was worth it to see Gavin so openly happy.

Connor even got some attention and not just from the young children. A few adults and teens would stop by to talk. Some asked about the revolution while others just wanted to get to know Connor.

A few people made speeches, and there was even one proposal. Apparently, that happened every year, and every year it was always a yes from whoever was getting asked.

Gavin made snarky comments throughout the speeches and pointed out others and told stories about them. He could see the way his eyes lit up when he thought of another fond memory.

Soon it was getting dark and the parents either left to put their children down or did so then came back. Then the adult party started. Connor had noticed that anyone 17 and up could stay, but only people 21 and up were allowed alcoholic drinks.

Gavin had made a snarky comment about Connor's age and not being allowed to drink. Connor just rolled his eyes and took the glass Kamski had handed him.

Presumably, it wouldn't be able to get him actually drunk, but it would simulate the feeling of being 'buzzed'.

So, Connor drank it and after a bit, he started feeling the effects. His posture became slightly slumped and he leaned somewhat onto Gavin. Not for support, but just for the physical contact.

"Connor, hey, you good? He didn't overheat your systems did he?" Gavin asked after Connor had come up behind him and wrapped his arms around his middle.

He rested his head on Gavin's shoulder and shook his head. The two swayed like that to the music until Gavin turned around.

He hooked his arms around Connor's waist and rested his own head on Connor's shoulder. They stayed pressed together, swaying to the music. Neither of them was focused on the world around them so they didn't notice Kamski taking a few pictures.

He somehow had gotten Hank's, Markus's and North's phone numbers and sent them the images.

It was after one in the morning when the party was effectively dead. Only a few people were left chatting while the others had gone into the house to sleep.

"Connor, can we talk?" Gavin asked, pulling away. Connor felt himself stiffen before nodding. He leads them out of the tent and to the lake.

They both sat on the pier and looked out at the still water. It was a very clear night so he could see the reflection of the moon on the water.

"So… about the kiss," Gavin said, turning his body just slightly towards Connor. "I'm not sorry about it. I know you said you were sorry, but I'm not. I… fuck this is harder than I thought." Gavin sighed and pulled his hand through his hair.

Connor wasn't sure what to say. He didn't want to assume Gavin's meaning and end up making things worse between them. He couldn't interface with him either because Gavin wasn't an android.

"Fuck it. Look, Connor, I like you. Like, I like you romantically, and sexually. You're fucking perfect and this whole time I've been fucking screaming in my head. I could have easily found someone else to bring, but I wanted you to come. I wanted this to be real, and I wanted to date you. Even if it was pretending and for only a few days." Gavin's voice had gotten progressively louder.

Connor stared at him in shock. Then he slowly reached over and cupped Gavin's cheek. He moved in slowly, slowly enough so that if Gavin wanted to pull away, he could.

Then their lips met again and they both seemed to sag in relief. The kiss was slow, but Connor could feel the want radiating from Gavin. He kissed him slowly though.

Gavin had to pull back for air and when he did he was smiling, pressing kisses all over Connor's face. Connor giggled and pulled him into a hug.

"Thank you, for inviting me and everything else."

Gavin hummed then slowly pulled away to kiss him more. Neither of them was sure how long they stayed there but soon Gavin was yawning and his eyes turned heavy.

"Fuck, sorry. I swear you aren't boring me." Gavin sighed, resting his head on Connor's, his eyes closed.

"I don't mind. You should get some sleep. I can drive tomorrow if you want." Then he pulled away and stood. Gavin made a small whine and went to stand too, but Connor quickly picked him up. Gavin let out a soft squeak and grabbed onto Connor's rumpled shirt.

Connor smiled and kissed him again before carrying him all the way back to the house and to their room.

This time when Gavin started to change he didn't look away. He openly watched as Gavin shed his clothes. When Gavin caught him he raised one eyebrow before walking over and straddling him on the bed.

Then they started kissing again, and this time it was hot and quick, both of them gasping for air. Connor left marks down Gavin's neck that they'd have to hide in the morning.

"Fuck, Connor, wait," Gavin panted pulling back just enough to talk. Connor sucked one more hickey before pulling away.

"I just need to know. Do you want this? Don't say yes because I do. I need to know that you're comfortable with this and give complete consent." Gavin's stare was intense but that just made even more warmth flood Connor.

"Yes, I very much want this." With that, he went back to kissing and licking down Gavin's chest. They'd have to be quiet, even with the walls being thick.

It didn't take too long after that for both of them to be undressed, Gavin now on his back. He propped himself up on his elbow as he trailed a hand down Connor's chest.

"You're so beautiful," he mumbled, leaning up to kiss him again. Connor whined when Gavin's hand finally reached his smooth crotch.

"Con, babe, you gotta tell me how to do this. What do you like?" Gavin asked, sighing when Connor attacked his neck again.

That did make him pause and a deep blush form on his cheeks. "I… I don't know."

Gavin smirked and started to rub him, making Connor squirm and whine softly. He tried varying pressures with each stroke. "This good?" Gavin asked.

Connor nodded quickly, rocking his hips into Gavin's hand. They both jolted when a panel opened and Gavin's hand went in.

"Fuck, shit, Connor are you ok? What should I do?" Gavin asked, not moving an inch. If he broke his boyfriend (were they even dating now) during sex he'd never hear the end of it.

"I… could you move your fingers around?" Connor’s voice was a whisper. Gavin's eyes widened to the size of saucers before he nodded.

Connor had to grip Gavin's shoulders when he started moving his hand. "Does this feel good?" Gavin asked, finding a wire and rubbing his finger along it.

Connor let out a strangled moan and nodded his head, pushing down against the hand. He then remembered himself and reached his own hand down to stroke Gavin.

They both were trying to keep quiet with their moans of the other's name. "Fuck, Connor I'm going to come soon," Gavin sighed out.

Connor nodded and bit gently at Gavin's neck before pulling his head up so he could kiss Gavin on the lips. "Me too, just… pull a wire out and plug it back in."

Gavin nodded and did as told, grinning into the kiss when Connor's whole body shuddered.

It didn't take either of them much longer until they were curled up together, Connor pressing soft kisses onto Gavin's face.

Gavin just pulled Connor closer and let his eyes fall closed. Both of them slept better than they had in a very long time.

Epilogue

The drive home was far different than the drive there had been. Connor had taken the wheel this time and they talked the whole way.

It also took much longer because they had to stop a few times just so Connor could fully pay attention to Gavin.

Once home they weren't exactly sure what to do. Going back to Hank's meant that they probably wouldn’t have any more alone time. Of course, Connor wanted to see Hank, but he also wanted to spend more time with his boyfriend.

They decided that they'd go to Gavin's and have lunch, then be back to Hank's by dinner. That plan didn't exactly work out as they got to Hank's well past nine pm.

Hank took one look at them and sighed, "when did this happen?"

"Last night," Connor replied with a smile. Hank nodded and pulled his phone out, looking through it before calling someone.

"Hey, yeah they're back. You owe me ten bucks. Yep, last night. And they were late getting back, so that means Chris owes me ten too."

Connor and Gavin glanced at each other before breaking into laughter. Hank rolled his eyes at the two as he figured out how much he owed and much he'd gain from the apparent betting pool.

The two were the talk of the office for months. Connor didn't mind, because the next year he was invited again, but this time they were officially together. Three years down the road Connor invited Hank to come with and even made his own special speech. It wasn't as special though, as the moment late into that night on the pier, Connor getting on one knee with a ring. It didn't surprise anyone when Gavin pulled out his own box with tears in his eyes as he said yes.

[01010010-posts]

— watering my feelings for you.

requests: omg... flower shop au.... sending ur rk a new flower for his desk every week... sending him big beautiful arrangements on special occaisions... yes

Hello sweetie💕 I absolutely ADORE your writing 💕💕💕 it's so innocent?? And precious?? Like you! Like thank you for always brightening up my dash with your amazing self! If it's alright I had a little request? The boys with a super gentle s/o who looooves plants? Like they love to garden and talks to their sprouts, encouraging them to grow. Maybe the boys can help analyze the soil so they grow happier? If not it's okay!! Have a lovely day darling ✨💕

hello this was supposed to come out yesterday but i realized that maybe at 4:20am you should go to bed instead well at least re-reading it today doesn’t make it as bad as i thought these asks were so soft

Connor:

• he just wanted some flowers to put on Hank’s table as celebration after a big case • he didn’t expect you at all • not one manual about humans prepared him for this • is it– is it the arrangement? is it that? • no it’s def you, only you • gosh you’re even more beautiful than the way you organized the flowers • what,,,, what should he do,,,, • of fucking course he’s going to panic and stutter • he just wanted to ask for your number • yet he managed to make a fool of himself and sadly go home with the bouquet in hand • he still doesn’t know but he perfectly succeeded in his attempt at wooing you • and now he’s sitting on a chair, ruffling his own hair at the embarrassing moment replaying in his head • he believes that, by now, you’re vivaciously gossiping about ‘how freaky that android was this morning’ with your colleagues and boy does his heart shrinks • but in the end he can’t help returning to your shop after a week • he’s lucky he doesn’t need rest bc he surely wouldn’t have been able to sleep the whole time • yes he doesn’t actually need more flowers but • are you– are you blushing?? what?? even if he was a complete mess the other day?? • rA9 maybe?? he still has a chance?? maybe?? • fucking please write your number on the business card it’s painful to watch u 2 dorks 

RK900:

• why would he needs flowers? • he doesn’t • but, despite this, he’s here, faking window shopping • ‘faking’ as ‘it’s obvious I’m in love with the part-timer but I’m an awkward boy and I don’t know how to approach humans so I’m trying to look at flowers’ • why does this has to be so complicated • “may i help you?” • no no no no you can’t please ahh go away • “no” • and,,,, he exits the shop like this never happened • i’m not gonna lie you’re a bit taken aback, not only by him being so handsome but also you’ve never heard such a firm ‘no’ in your life • too bad you can’t see his face so blue because you just talked to him • but he doesn’t give up • after an hour he’s back at the shop • honestly you both know the situation is weird at this point • “actually, I think you might help me” • “oh! perfect! were you searching for something in particular or?” • “yes. I was.” • “.... okay. any examples?” • “I’m in need of bouquet for a date and I was wondering what were your favourites flowers” 

RK800-60:

• he is an habitué • you don’t know how or why he always shows during weekends • he just does • most of the time he buys flowers or tiny cacti • his room is full of them, he really doesn’t know where to put the next ones, please help him, he has already gifted half of his collection to all the people he knows and either he gets to know more people or you understand that he’s trying to flirt with you • so you think he’s really passionate about plants • and god are you happy!! • finally someone nice that you can talk about plants for days on end! • well he doesn’t dislike them but his hardware might explode if you keed feeding him info about gardening • fortunately a co-worker asks him out and he’s like,,,, “what no, of course I like [name]” • and fucking months mutual pining melts down like wax • he’s so glad he can stop buying plants he was going to water them with his tears • WHAT DO YOU MEAN you’re mad about the plants yes he took care of them don’t worry • LISTEN it was a necessary move no you don’t understand he made it for you ok • YES HE WATERED THEM EVERY DAY DON’T WORRY BABY THEY’RE FINE • what,,,, why do you want them back,,,, why should they stay at your apartment along with this things– • OH • you meant that • he’s totally fine with that 

Bonus — Connor / RK900 / RK800-60:

• as someone who doesn’t particularly like parties you’re truly glad that one of the perks of your job as a florist is going to the place, do your thing, setting the flowers in pretty positions and going back home to read a book or watch some tv  • the sole con, really, is when the broad guy that usually drives the truck for big events dumps you at the last minute • i mean fuck? since it’s a DPD gathering there should be at least a strong police officer helping you unloading the ornaments, right? • by all means; no • it’s too early, not even one guest has arrived yet • so you’re there, kinda struggling with your plastic green boots in the mud, heaps of heavy plants on your hands • until you hear “I told you we were early!” “stop complaining, of course we came early, not only is bad etiquette to arrive late but I also couldn’t bear the sight of you putting more hair gel” • it’s a soft bicker in the distance, and you’re so focused on the hilarious interaction that you don’t notice an android getting near you, a wide smile “do you need any help with that?” • he’s,,,, fucking cute help • but halfway through opening your mouth two other heads pop next to his, all slightly similar • three cuties in a row now,,,, it’s your lucky day heck • and since they’re so robust they all help you with placing things!! • gosh is this a dream? can you like, hire them or something? • “thanks a bunch, without you it would’ve taken me hours!” • “don’t worry, we were glad to assist with the preparations!” • “speak for yourself, Connor, I want to be paid!” • “what, c’mon 60, we don’t actually need money” • “though I agree with him, we do require some sort of payment for the work done” • “RK900, love, please, can’t we just do something without expecting anything in return?” • “no no, it’s alright, you did contribute so it’s natural of me to pay you– but if money is not what you want, well, i can offer some flowers, perhaps?” • do androids even like flowers? • “a date!” 60 chirps behind a nodding RK900 “yes, that might be appropriate” • what,,,, what does this mean • a date?? really?? beautiful boys asking you on a date??? wait,,,, which one of those three • you stifle a nervous laugh “so three dates? like taking turns? shame i can’t date all of you at once, huh” • welp would you look at their faces! okay you said something strange but it was a joke no need to be so– • “as a matter of fact, we meant that” Connor tries, tentatively, blushing a little at the thought • “that what” you really don’t get it do u moron • “a date with the three of us. at once” RK900 is fucking serious • what have you gotten yourself into • the date it’s nice, tho, you take them to a botanical garden and gosh do you have fun • you gift them 3 cute ass different tiny plants and they all put it on their desk • they also take from you the habit of talking to flowers, which is pretty heartwarming to be fair • no they don’t feel stupid in the slightest you said it makes the sprouts grow stronger and happier so they will do it they want you to be proud of them • Connor and 60 don’t tell you but they have a compilation of videos about RK900 watering and saying cute things to the pot as if it were you • wholesome androids tbh • please insist on making them wash their hands and mouth because you never know when they could get the sudden urge to verify that is it indeed topsoil • you only forgive them because they tell you what’s the best soil around judging by the chemical composition 

[jbuffyangel]

Timeless 2x11 Reaction: “The Miracle of Christmas Part 1 and 2″

And thus Timeless is officially over. How did the writers fair with the series finale aka The Timeless movie? Pretty freakin’ fantastic.

Let’s dig in...

It’s been several months between Timeless’ Season 2 finale and their series finale tonight, so the writers wisely include a “Previously on Timeless.” We flashback to all their adventures while Unhappy Future Lucy (who looks a little scary if I’m being honest) narrates. It helps because I seriously forgot her mother is dead. (They kill Susanna Thompson on every damn show!)

The beginning is a little jarring because storylines I expected to happen in a season or two are all happening RIGHT NOW. My brain needs time to downshift, but I eventually adjust.

First things first - dealing with the third point in the love triangle, Garcia Flynn. Timeless isn’t interested in drawing out the shipper war because Wyatt and Lucy are kind of a mess. They require some screen time so they are fixed in a realistic manner. 

Scary Future Lucy gives Present Day Lucy and Wyatt her diary. Spoiler alert: Lucy hooks up with Flynn. Spoiler alert: They break up sometime down the road because she is really in love with Wyatt. They play out Lucy and Flynn’s entire relationship in under 3 minutes. I’m not joking when I say they breeze through three to four seasons worth of triangle.

I love Goran Visnjic, and while I adore Lucy and Wyatt, I was never opposed to Lucy and Flynn. I mean yeah he’s a murderer. That’s a real negative, but it’s friggin Goran Visnic. Have you seen this guy? He’s so hot. Where Dr. Luca goes so goes my nation.

Kidding aside, the writers convey the depth of Lucy and Flynn’s relationship with just a few lines, which is an impressive writing achievement. I love how Flynn is all “I can’t believe you date me because I tried to kill you a bunch of times.” HAHAHA. Classic. And true! Ah the joy of television romance. But it ain’t gonna be you Flynn, so mosey along big fella. 

Jessica is not pregnant. UGH. I HATED THIS STORYLINE SO MUCH. 

I appreciate the writers giving it a fast and hard death, but this is one of the ways I think Season 2 went wrong. Timeless is a show that defied the typical television tropes and that’s what made it so interesting in Season 1.  However, I think their Season 2 renewal, and desire to snare more viewers, created a “throw everything, but the kitchen sink” mentality. 

They used every romance trope they could think of in Season 2 to see what would stick. It was just... not good. I don’t blame Timeless anymore than I do any other show that does this (and it’s pretty much all of them). It was just disappointing to see the show move in this direction, when previously they’d been so good at avoiding those kinds of storylines.

Flynn sacrifices himself by going back to 2012 to kill Jessica, so Rufus never dies. REDEMPTION ARC BITCHES!!! YESSSS!! 

Seriously, he is so bad ass. Flynn puts a couple bullets in Jessica (plus one extra to be sure) after a ninja knockdown fight. He knows the effects of traveling to his own timeline will kill him... or something. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Then he watches 2012 Flynn with his beautiful and living family through a window before he dies. 

Flynn leaves a goodbye letter for Lucy that pretty much says he loves her, but he knows she loves Wyatt and he wants her to be happy. So yes, GARCIA FLYNN sacrifices himself for Rufus, ensures Lucy and Wyatt find the happy ending they deserve even though he is in love with Lucy, helps stop Rittenhouse and save the world. I AM SO EMO ABOUT MY BOY RIGHT NOW!

As for Lucy and Wyatt, they tiptoe around each other for most of the two hours. Wyatt thinks she ends up with Flynn and Lucy doesn’t want to be second choice. They are the only two who remember the Jessica history. Dear God, can we all forget too? Everyone is pretty much, “Why aren’t y’all together because y’all were together before and it was perfection?” So meta.

Wyatt almost dies in an explosion while delivering a baby during the fall of North Korea. Yes, you read that correctly. WYATT LOGAN IS HERE TO SAVE NATIONS AND DELIVER BABIES!

Lucy realizes she almost lost Wyatt and they are wasting time worrying about the past. 

This part of the finale feels really predictable to me. There’s no way they are killing off Wyatt, especially after Flynn dies. Lyatt is endgame, so the two characters dancing around it for so long feels like prolonging the inevitable.

“After that explosion I thought you were dead. And for a moment I saw my whole life without you and my world ended Wyatt.”

But damn though, what a speech Lucy gives him. 

Honestly, it is slightly annoying she did most of the talking because Wyatt is the one who screwed up. At least he offers up a “I wanted to pick you Lucy, but I felt I owed Jessica because she was my baby mama” explanation. Of course, we all knew this. 

Lucy accepts Wyatt’s “I am a big pine tree” explanation because facts. Things really get cooking with some Lyatt mistletoe kissing. 

Source:  sisterzelda

Ah, a time honored holiday trope I will never grow tired of. Then they have sex

BUT CUT AWAY TOO SOON! Boo NBC!

Rufus is alive, but doesn’t remember being dead. Jiya remembers Rufus being dead, but he doesn’t remember Jiya living in Chinatown for three years in the 1800s. I think. 

Jiya is concerned she’s no longer the woman Rufus fell in love with (re: see three years of trauma). I argue Rufus fell in love with a bad ass and Jiya is still most certainly one. It is frustrating how quickly they had to go through her physical and emotional trauma from Chinatown. Ugh, this is some seriously important drama that could have been a multiple season deep dive. Stupid cancellation.

Rufus and Jiya realize they are still perfect for each other, because they are perfect for each other. They start a company together and become billionaires saving the world. Jiya’s hair color is extremely pretty in the final scenes too. I feel this is very important detail to include. I heart them. 

Source:  katie-mcgraths

Lucy and Wyatt discuss how they don’t want to become scary Lucy and Wyatt from the future and THEY DON’T BECAUSE OF FLYNN. They get married, Wyatt works for Agent Christopher on special projects, and Lucy is a tenured history professor who focuses on important historical women. BECAUSE THERE AIN’T NO TIME FOR THE MEN! That’s right fellas. Drink your tea and wait your turn.

Unfortunately, Lucy is not able to get her sister Amy back. She gives an poignant speech about grief and loss, which could be the show’s mission statement. This is how you write a series finale:

"Everybody loses someone they love. And no matter how badly they want to they can't get them back. In spite of that they find a way to go on. That's everyone's history." 

What connects all of time is our humanity. We are born. We live. We love. We suffer grief, pain and loss. We find joy. We endure. This is the thread century after century. In the end, we aren’t so different after all. 

THEN LUCY AND WYATT GET MARRIED 

Source: @splitscreen

AND HAVE TWIN GIRLS NAMED FLYNN AND AMY. 

Source: @splitscreen​

ALERT!!!!!!!!!! MULTIPLES CONCEIVED! IT IS THE DREAM! EVERYTHING IS AMAZING!!!! 

The final scene is 2023 Lucy, Wyatt and Rufus traveling to 2014 to tell Garcia Flynn about the time machine. Lucy tells Flynn he doesn’t lose his humanity even though he never gets his family back. He is the hero the team and the world needs in the end. It connects the beginning and end of Timeless so seamlessly. This was probably always going to be the bookend. I just wish we had a few more seasons in between it.

They hint at a future time machine being invented by a young girl Rufus took an interest in at the science fair. The morality of the time machine is debated between Agent Christopher and Connor. She wants to destroy it, but Connor argues they need to keep it so they can stop others from abusing its power. You can’t un-invent something. Someone sooner or later will create the same technology Connor and Rufus did. They have a responsibility to make sure time travel is not abused and another Rittenhouse does not rise. So, the time machine is kept, covered, guarded and waiting.

Do I think we’ll see a resurrected Timeless about this girl and her time machine? No. I don’t. This is the last stop on the Timeless train and, while it was a wonderful ride, it is over. Actors are released from contracts. Writers, producers, crew, etc have all moved on to other gigs. It’s a freaking miracle they even made the movie. (Apropos episode title).

Timeless approached the series finale the correct way, which is what’s important to me. They didn’t leave a bunch of loose ends. The world was saved and I saw all our beloved characters living their happy lives in peace. I need to know these characters are going to be okay, so I can say goodbye. 

Thank you Timeless for the insightful way you approached history, your cast of wonderful characters, humor and unflinching honesty. I look forward to the streaming deal so I can rewatch again and again.

Source:  yasmin-khan

Stray Thoughts

The finale is one EPIC Lucy speech after another. My girl runs this show.

Nobody was dressed appropriately for a North Korea winter. 

It looked like the mother threw her newborn into Wyatt’s arms as her son came running to her. LOL Nice catch, soldier.

"I've loved you since the Alamo." Girl is that ever right. 

Don't mock. Saint Christopher is for REAL. He has helped me out of many jams.

Hahaha. Wyatt said m'am. That's how you know it's the end.

[haroldslovekitten]

Sign of the Times - Pink Series pt. 5

Hello lovelies! So sorry this is a day late! And I know people are freaking out about Harry’s first solo tour right now! I’m in the same boat - ie. so fucking in love with this man! But please, read this when you get the chance - I had a lot of fun with it! Enjoy, my loves! And always, “Treat people with kindness” :)

Word Count: ~5k

.xx -M

These last two months have been what Harry thinks of as the hardest two months of his life. Sure, he’s gone without speaking to you for long breaks before, but never because he’d hurt you, never because you didn’t want to talk to him, always because you couldn’t, were too busy, or he was off touring the world as an international popstar. So, this wallowing at home all alone knowing that the last thing you’d want was to hear from him was absolutely brutal. He’d tried to distract himself by hanging out with Grimmy, even went up to Holmes Chapel to visit family, but not even his mother’s cooking and Gemma’s constant teasing could take away the pain he was feeling. 

He knew he’d fucked up, and he also knew there was nothing he could do about it at this point. He’d pushed too far, felt too much, as he was prone to do though he’d never tell anyone that. And now he was stuck, watching reruns of Friends, and hating himself for feeling like for the first time in his life, he felt somewhat similar to Ross, who is the last person on the show he’d want to be compared to. But here he was, pining, feeling sorry for himself, full of anger and self-hate, but wanting nothing more to be curled up by your side like a puppy, wrapped in your arms and your love forever. He’s never felt this pathetic before, and he can’t stand it, he really fucking can’t. So, as he sits there watching Ross make the mistake of taking another woman to bed even as he’s trying to win Rachel’s heart, he gets an idea. Admittedly, it’s a terrible idea and he’d never even think of doing this if he wasn’t drunk and heartbroken. But with resolve, he picks himself up, and heads to the bathroom to shower and get ready to go out on the prowl, and find someone to assuage his pain, at least for the night. He knows that there’s a party happening at a friend of a friend’s and makes his way there.

The rest of the night is a blur, mostly, and he tries not to think too hard as he dances with a random stranger, her body feeling strange and uncomfortable as she grinds on him and does everything in her capabilities to seduce him. Little does she know that her efforts are really just putting him off, reminding him, even in his drunken stupor, just how unlike you she is. You’d never rub up against him this way, at least not as anything but a joke. You’d never beg and plead for him to want you, because you don’t need him to, and you (at this point he’s sure) know that he already wants you. You’d never get slobberingly drunk as he and this girl are doing, and be out in public making a spectacle of yourself. You just aren’t that type of person and he loves that about you. He loves the way you don’t feel the need to draw attention to yourself, how content you are in your own being, and how happy you are to be calm and at the sidelines. Your presence is calming to him, and humbling. Your simplicity is one of the many things that draws him to you, and well, this girl screams complexity, and not the kind of complexity that will have the two of them up till the wee hours of the morning having intense and stimulating discussions.

When he finally can’t take anymore, he does something that he’s far from proud of, but he’s never been a fan of confrontation, especially not in public. He leans down, kissing the blond stranger (who he’ll later find out is actually a model - of-fucking-course) on the cheek and murmuring that he’s going to get them more to drink. She nods excitedly and continues dancing, thrilled to have caught him in her snare. Quickly, Harry rushes towards the back of the club his friend rented out and calls his driver, knowing he’s just around the corner. It’s not 2 minutes later that Harry is safely in the back seat of his own car, breathing in and out and thanking his lucky stars he hadn’t made even more of a mess out of tonight.

When he arrives home, he heads straight to bed, not even bothering to check his phone or fully undress. At this point, he just wants to sleep for as long as possible and forget about the constant ache in his gut. That night, he sleeps soundly, not realizing that what he’d missed by not checking his phone was a very important text from you.

So, when he wakes the next morning, head aching and legs feeling strange after having been wrapped in tight jeans all night, he’s shocked to find a text message from you sitting on his home screen.

Hey, H. Miss you...still mad, but I want to see you. Can you hang out tomorrow?

He rereads your words over and over again, his brain slightly slow at processing the meaning of your text. You’re still mad, of course you’re still mad, he’d acted like a total dick, but you miss him and you want to see him...today? He messages back as quickly as his fingers will type.

Y/N, I miss you too. I’m so fucking sorry for what a prick I’ve been. Yes, I’m free today. When do you want to meet?

His breathing is erratic and pained as he waits for your response. He was honestly beginning to think you’d never contact him, that he’d have to get used to life without you, forever. He thought that he’d have to learn to stop loving you, to stop pining, and to finally move on. Now, with this text message, his hopes were repaired, though really, deep down he knew he should still learn to stop loving you, he really should move on, but maybe he won’t have to.

How’s 12 sound? We can get lunch near the park and have a picnic? It’s nice out today.

He checked the clock, it was only 10, he had plenty of time to get dressed and meet you at Regent’s park which had become both of your favorites recently. He tried to ignore the voice badgering him from the back of the head claiming that you only suggested a picnic so that you wouldn’t have to be in a private place with him, that you couldn’t stand the thought of being completely alone with him. He pushed the thought away and cheered up considerably.

Perfect. See you soon x

Two hours later, he was dressed, sobered up (thanks to the smoothie he’d made), and waiting for you outside the gate you usually entered through. Sure, some people were paying him odd looks obviously knowing who he was, but he didn’t care, he was going to see you soon.

He hadn’t been standing there more than 3 minutes when you arrived, pretty yellow sundress hugging your figure and a somewhat sad smile gracing your face.

“Hey, H,” you say quietly, still unsure how this reunion is going to go.

“Hey,” he breathes, as if he’s releasing all the tension he’d built up in his heart over the past two months. “Thanks for seeing me, Y/N, I’m so sorry for being an idiot. I don’t even know how to make sense of what I did, but I’m so sorry that I did it,” he finishes.

“I don’t know why you did it either, but I’m willing to forgive you. Life kinda sucks without you around,” you say sheepishly, running your hands through your hair nervously.

“I could say the same about you, love,” Harry laughs, much of his nerves now being put at ease.

“Do you want to grab some sushi and sit on the hill?” you ask, motioning down the road to the Wasabi restaurant that you like to frequent, though the sushi isn’t top quality - it’s super convenient.

Harry simply nods, ecstatic that you want to spend time with him. You walk down the street quietly, neither of you really making conversation, feeling slightly awkward after the very intentional distance put between the two of you. Harry can’t stand the silence, knowing that it’s anything but comfortable for either of you. It hurts knowing the discomfort is all his fault.

“I’m really sorry if I messed things up between you and Connor…” he trails off, not looking you in the eye.

“No, we’re good, it wasn’t that big of a deal, I was just shocked at your actions is all…”

“I know. So was I. I think I was just being protective. Got used to having you around, you know? Don’t want to lose you,” he says, the words completely true and heartfelt, though there’s more he could tell you.

“I know, and you won’t” you say, smiling at him now and it feels like a physical weight has been lifted from his chest.

“So how are things going? Well I hope?” he asks, these words much less truthful than the ones he’d just said.

“Well, yes and no,” you laugh nervously. Usually telling Harry about your relationship problems would be second nature, but it still feels awkward and strange talking to him about Connor.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. We can talk about whatever you want,” he says quickly, trying to ensure that you don’t feel pressured in the slightest.

“No, I want to talk about it. I need to, just in a little, okay? Once we’re settled?” you ask, obviously nervous.

Harry guesses what you have to say must mean a lot to you if you want to sit down and really take the conversation seriously. He mentally checks himself, reminding himself to not be an asshole, to treat you as a friend and nothing more, and even if he feels as if his heart is breaking with every word you say about Connor, to act completely happy and enthusiastic about the two of you. Once you’ve bought some sushi and made your way to Primrose Hill, the two of you sit down together, much farther apart than you would have two months ago and Harry realizes that though he’s making progress in coming back into your life, it’s not going to be all easy or even quick.

“So, talk to me, love,” he smiles reassuringly before taking a bite of his lunch.

“Ok, so we’ve been together for two months and it’s been great...ish,” you say, cringing at the end.

“What’s made it not so great?” Harry asks, his instincts as your friend overpowering his instincts as your would-be lover.

“Well, when he comes over and we sleep together, he never really cuddles or anything, and then he rushes off in the morning. It’s like he’s afraid to commit and I know it’s only been two months, but I really thought he liked me, you know?” you ask, your insecurities evident in your voice.

“Does he just generally stay over on nights when he has to work early?” Harry asks, giving Connor the benefit of the doubt.

“No...I wish. It’s always on weekends usually and I know he doesn’t have work in the morning because we work together. That’s another thing - he doesn’t really spend time with me at work, never shows me any affection in public or anything. Like, we have fun and enjoy each other’s company and the sex is fantastic, but I feel like he’s being intentionally distant,” you continue, frustrated.

Harry works to contain his anger - he can’t stand the thought of you being treated any less well than you deserve. But he knows that’s not his place right now, so he just scoots closer to you, finally feeling as if the friendship is mending.

“Have you tried talking to him about it? Asked him why he rushes off? Why he doesn’t pay you attention at work?” Harry asks.

“No, god no! That would make me seem clingy and desperate for his attention and we all know that’s a relationship killer!” you laugh, leaning in towards him until your sides are pressed together comfortably.

“Who told you that?” he laughs, knocking his body into yours as he teases, “Cosmo or summat?”

You giggle at that because yes, that’s exactly where you’d gained that information even as a fully grown woman and you weren’t exactly proud to admit it, but you knew Harry wouldn’t judge you.

“But it’s true, isn’t it?” you protest. “I mean, guys hate it when girls get clingy and needy for attention and then rather than give the women what they need, they ditch her. I don’t want that to happen,” you say, your smile fading slightly at the prospect of Connor just up and leaving. You hadn’t been together long, but he was such perfection, you knew you’d do anything to keep him with you.

“Listen, love, I hate to break it to you, but only boys get scared off by that kind of thing. Men who can handle a relationship, and who are mature and willing to communicate honestly and be supportive partners are not afraid of clinginess, as long as it’s not obsessive. A good partner, man or woman, will know that satisfying their partner’s needs is vital to the health of a relationship and they won’t shy away from that, at least not if they care,” he advises, taking his time to carefully choose his words (since speaking without thinking had gotten him in so much trouble before) and  trying to make it subtly clear that Connor either isn’t relationship material or doesn’t want you badly enough to be.

You just nod your head and process everything that he’s said. Though you don’t look angry, you don’t look entirely convinced either.

“Do you really think that’s true? I feel like pretty much all the guys our age are terrified of any sort of neediness or commitment. If a relationship isn’t easy or no-strings attached, then they want nothing to do with it. I don’t know how to live like that,” you whine, knowing that your voice is beginning to sound shrill and emotional, but you’re just so frustrated.

“Stop your crying, love. It’s really just a sign of the times nowadays...With online dating and hookup culture, a lot of people aren’t interested in the commitment, you’re right. So don’t start feeling all this self-pity or feeling as if you have to settle - it’s going to be hard, but not impossible. I don’t think that means that you should forgo commitment and affection just because it’s hard to find. As ‘perfect’ as Connor may be,” Harry says, doing air quotes around perfect, “he doesn’t seem capable of giving you what you want and need, and I don’t like to see you settling…” he trails off, shaking his head as he puts another piece of sushi in his mouth.

“How is being with a handsome, successful, talented, kind, interesting and fun man settling!?” you ask, completely taken by surprise. There are a lot of things you thought you were doing in a relationship with Connor - choosing responsibly namely - but settling was not one of them.

“He’s amazing, I’m not settling for him, he’s just afraid of commitment, like 99% of people our age - it’s not settling,” you continue, convincing yourself.

“Y/N,” Harry sighs, frustrated, “I know you. I know what you want and what you need and it’s definitely not a non-committal guy who is stingy with his attention and affection. You want the romance, the fairy-tale and it’s not fair to deprive yourself of that just because Connor is an impressive dude.”

“But Harry, I like him so fucking much!” you continue, knowing that Harry is probably right but refusing to believe it. “We’ve got to be able to make it work, right?”

“Only if he’s as invested in the relationship as you are and it doesn’t sound like he is,” Harry shrugs, placing a hand on your thigh in an attempt to comfort you.

Without second thought you grab his hand and squeeze it, the contact and reassurance that he will be here for you no matter what is intensely comforting.

“So, what’s going on with you lately?” you ask, trying to change the subject and brighten your thoughts.

“Not too terribly much if I’m honest, just writing a bit, went and saw the family a while ago. Been missing you a lot though,” he nods, not looking you in the eye.

“Yeah, I’ve missed you too. I’m glad we could do this, H, I really am.”

“Me too. I’m thinking of auditioning for a film and wanted to talk to you about it,” he says somewhat sheepishly.

“Oh gosh, I don’t even care what movie it is, you should definitely do it!” you reply, obviously excited for him. “You’d be so good, I know it! And if you ever wanted to practice lines, I’d totally help you. What movie is it by the way?”

“It’s actually a Christopher Nolan film - a historical thriller or something. Think it’d be fun, and different.”

“Harry, my god, if you get the part do you promise to let me meet Christopher Nolan? Like just once? I just need to tell him how amazing he is, oh my god,” you say somewhat frantic now.

“Well that’s assuming I’ll be any good. You’re awfully excited,” he teases, but smiles down on you having missed this playful happy you  for so long.

“Well duh! You’re going to venture into my area of expertise! We can have so much fun talking about it. Maybe you can be in one of my films someday,” you say, eyes lighting up at the prospect of actually working with Harry.

“I’d love to do that, whether or not I get this part, love,” he says and you can’t contain your excitement.

You’d never realized that Harry was really interested in venturing into the film world, thinking he was completely content with music. But if he wanted to do this, you could actually be of some help to him and spend even more time together and it’d be great. You spend the next while telling him about all the characters you’ve dreamt up and how perfect he’d be to play like 90% of them. He can’t help but be flattered and equally as excited about his impending career adventure and the prospect of spending countless hours with you.

“I really hope I get the part, I’ll let you know when I get a script and have you help me, if you’d like,” he says almost shyly.

“Yes yes yes!” you say, bouncing on the blanket slightly. “I might have to ask a favor in return, though,” you say, a mischievous smile pulling at your lips.

“Oh? And what’s that?”

“Well actually, I might need you to do me this favor no matter what...So, I don’t know if you remember, but Alice is getting married in a few weeks…” you trail off hoping he’d fill in the blanks.

“And you want me to sing at the wedding?” he asks, laughing.

“Well no, I want you to be my date,” you mumble.

Harry’s breath catches in his throat and his mouth goes dry. He knows you probably mean nothing by it, but that sounds like both the worst and best thing he could possibly do in his current situation.

“What about Connor?” he asks, his voice tight.

“Well, I asked him, but he made up excuses. Really it’s because that’s too serious for him, but he claims it’s work or plans with friends or something. He obviously doesn’t want to go and I mean, I get it, we’ve only been together for two months and family functions like that are intense,” you finish, looking at him with big hopeful eyes.

“Y/N,” he whines, obviously frustrated with you. “Why are you dating him? Honestly, I’m just trying to be a good friend. If he were worthy of you, he would jump at the chance to go to the wedding,” he finishes, staring at you accusatorily.

“I know, I know. But he doesn’t...maybe he would eventually but the timing just doesn’t match up. He needs more time to commit and the wedding is too soon. So will you come with me?”

“Obviously,” he says, shaking his head and trying to hide a small smile.

Though he’s terribly excited to go to the wedding with you, not only because he’ll get to spend time with you all dressed up and happy and excited, but also because he hasn’t seen your family for ages and misses them almost as much as he’d missed you, he’s still slightly dreading it. The things about it that will make it so great: the family, you dressed up, the dancing, the drinking, the inevitable shows of affection will all be equally as torturous as they are fantastic. He knows in his heart of hearts that going to this wedding will not help get rid of his feelings for you, nor will it make you love him back because you’re so obviously taken with Connor. He knows that he is only digging his hole deeper and deeper - further from contentment and peace - and further in love with you. He can’t help the feelings of bittersweet anticipation of the night to come, and though he agrees happily, he fears that he’ll have yet another outburst of love for you that will be much harder to hide and disregard than his last.

“Harry, thank you so much. I know it’s kind of weird since I have a boyfriend and everyone will probably ask about him and all that, but honestly, I think I’d rather go with you. Everyone will be so excited to see you, and we can have so much fun, just like old times,” you say, smiling brightly.

“I can’t wait, love,” he agrees. “So when and where is it?”

“Well, it’s actually back in the states. Is that okay? It’s going to be quite a trip, I know, but it’ll be like a little vacation or something!” you say enthusiastically.

“Yeah, that’s totally fine, love, I’ve been meaning to go back there soon anyway. When is it?”

“It’s in three weeks. I know it’s super late notice, I guess I just really thought I’d be able to convince Connor to come and you might not want to.”

“That’s fine, I’ll make some calls, yeah?” he asks, wanting to do everything he can do to make this easy and good for you - he wants you to enjoy spending time with him as much as he does with you.

“You really don’t have to do that, Harry, I’ve been saving up, we can just buy some last minute tickets or something,” you say dismissively, never one to take advantage of Harry and his wealth or connections.

“Come on, you’re the one who said to make it like a little vacation! So let’s do that! I’ll get a plane and a place to stay and we’ll go all out!” he says, knowing that he really shouldn’t treat this as a romantic getaway but can’t really help himself.

“Are you sure, H?”

“Absolutely,” he says sternly.

You simply nod and continue eating your lunch, content with the sunshine on your face, Harry by your side and the view of the London skyline all around you. Harry’s a bit more conflicted as he sits beside you doing everything he can to keep himself from holding your hand or trying to kiss you. His mind is reeling with all the possibilities of the next few weeks - the wedding would provide so much opportunity - opportunity to push Connor from your mind, to make you see how much you actually want to be with Harry, to prove to you that he’s the one you’ve been waiting for all these years. And yet, these ideas reek with the possibility of ruining your friendship forever. He wishes that he could just tell you, tell you how he feels and that he understands that you might not feel the same, but he needed to get this off his chest. But as close as the two of you are, your friendship is on rocky grounds. You two really don’t talk enough - you talk about everything really, from work to school to friends and romantic partners, but never about feelings towards each other. He’s sure, absolutely positive, that you’ve had a thing for him before, that you wanted him almost as badly as he currently wants you, and you had to suffer and push it all away because he was so busy and unavailable. And now, your feelings are gone and his are here in full force, but he’s incapable of communicating that to you, and honestly you’d be incapable of hearing it, at least without making a silly decision and possibly ruining everything. Real emotions have never been either of your strong suits and there’s no reason you’d start now.

We never learn, we’ve been here before.

Why are we always stuck and running from

the bullets? The bullets.

No matter what Harry wishes were true, the truth is that the two of you are constantly shifting back and forth between miscommunications and ‘almost’ chances of being together. And instead of capitalizing on your wish-washy feelings for each other, one or the other of you will make a mess out of it, say something stupid and cruel, and send you both back to square one. Something tells Harry though, as he’s sitting here admiring the city with you, that this time, he won’t be able to contain his feelings much longer. That he’s going to say something to you that is either going to make him the happiest man in the world or ruin him.

We don’t talk enough.

We should open up.

Before it’s all too much.

Will we ever learn? We’ve been here before.

It’s just what we know.

Harry’s tired of it, tired of the confusion and the pain and having to restrain himself. He knows that he’s going to break at the wedding, he just knows it, but he doesn’t know how or when or if he even wants to end this game and find out the truth. It might just hurt too much.

We gotta get away from here.

We gotta get away from here.

Stop your crying, baby.

It’ll be alright.

They told me that the end is near.

We gotta get away from here.

As the two of you sit in silence, Harry’s mind continues to wander, up and away. He imagines the 12 hour plane ride from London to your small west coast town. He imagines being there with you next to him, looking down on the world as if none of it matters and it’s just the two of you. He imagines a world in which the two of you are together and content - that’s the kind of world he could happily live in. In that moment he makes a pact with himself to tell you everything at the wedding. The thoughts of the potential benefits of laying everything out on the table are too enticing to ignore. Having recovered from your last fight well enough, Harry thinks that maybe, even if you don’t feel the same way, time will fix the wounds that telling you would inflict. The rejection, the loss of you, it would all be impossible to bear, but eventually he might be alright. And if it goes well, the rest of his life could be made - this could be the key to his happiness, and hopefully yours as well, and he’s at the end of his rope - he can’t hold back any longer. He nods to himself as he makes this personal resolution, eyes drinking you in while yours are closed enjoying the warmth of the day. His days with you like this may be numbered and he’s sure as hell going to enjoy them.

Just stop your crying,

Have the time of your life.

Breaking through the atmosphere,

And things are pretty good from here.

Remember everything will be alright.

We can meet again somewhere.

Somewhere far away from here.

“What you thinking about?” you ask abruptly, shaking him from his daydreams of a perfect life with you by his side.

“Oh nothing, really, just how fun the wedding will be!” he says, not entirely lying.

“I really can’t wait, H! It’s going to be so much fun seeing Alice get married, and spending all that time with you, it’ll be perfect - just what I need. I need to get away from here for a while and I’m so glad I get to bring you with me,” you smile, leaning your head on his shoulder and taking in the view.

He leans down, pressing a chaste kiss to your forehead before resting his head upon yours and already rehearsing exactly what he’s going to say to you in a few weeks time. He’s piecing together all the best ways to tell you he loves you. He reminisces on the way you’ve always been there for him the past couple of years, the way he’s completely himself when he’s around you. He’s thought about admitting that Sweet Creature is really written about you, not Gemma. He’s convinced that he should make a big elaborate plan to confess his feelings, because sometimes he’s just a big and elaborate guy. But he knows you like simplicity, and intimacy, and honest and open communication no matter how difficult that is, and he reins himself in, knowing he has the time to plan all this out perfectly, to win your heart the way he always should have. Only time will tell if his plan will work, or if ultimately, life will get the better of him.

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 7 “It's a Hot Mess Express “ - Scott

People are so hard to work with. I get they don't like this challenge truly I do but I just wish they wouldn't keep shutting down every idea I had. It's... annoying. I get that I'm also the problem here. Because if an entire room full of people is saying you're wrong then you're probably wrong but still. I dislike being shut down. I've just been feeling kind of isolated since my name was written down. Even in my own alliance it seems like everyone thinks less of me for being paranoid. It doesn't help that I'm not entirely pop culture savvy so a lot of their convos I'm a bit out of the loop on. Part of me wonders if it's cause I'm in a male dominated environment? I don't think they are sexist but I do think that I'm being unintentionally ignored. Like throughout the duration of this confessional I have submitted 6 ideas/comments to the group and they've either been left in the dust or dismissed. That has to mean something right? Is it my personality? Did I come on too strong with my enthusiasm? Do they think I'm bossy? Socializing doesn't exactly come naturally to me. If anyone had met me 4 years ago you'd probably be in the know. You know that ability where you can pick up what people imply, whether through body language or through hidden meanings. I don't. I literally was born with out that ability and it has done whatever the opposite of wonders are for my life. At first I thought it was fine, I thought hey no big, everything is good, people like me eventually. But then I played Malaysia... A lot of great things came out of that game, a lot of good friendships and memories but in a way it sort of haunts me. When the confessionals came out, for the first time ever I saw what people thought about me. Sure they liked me eventually but they also disliked me. Like really really didn't like me at all. It was my first real interaction with people outside of the treatment school I went to, it was my first real interaction with the rest of the world and people hated my guts. Don't get me wrong I always suspected I was disliked but... to see their actual written thoughts on paper was hard. Of course as they got to know me they started to like me but I couldn't forget that it wasn't always like that. That at one point they looked at me or their screen or whatever and saw a pest. And that's my biggest fear, that I'm the problem. That no matter where I go people see me and are filled with dread or disgust. That people are always wishing me some from of ill because I'm bad at conversation or sort of creepy. Well at least they came to their own conclusions now, maybe they pulled their heads out of their asses or because it wasn't me they were actually able to function. God this spiraled, I only wanted to complain about how shitty my tribe was being not go on this full blown existential rant. Fuck me am I right? I'm not sure what this is going to contribute to the game. There is no hashtag big moves or fun comments but like I already typed this up so I'm not going to delete it like a pussy. 

Ok now we can talk whew. UMMMM not Connor fucking up Duncan's perfect record! Now that I'm over the shock, thank you Connor because I'm 95% sure that obsession is the reason Duncan did the most to make sure Devon voted me instead of him back on Thoth https://giphy.com/gifs/mamovie-stalking-octavia-spencer-eavesdropping-j5uEVYERR0ncYlJ36e Really pleased with how the game is shaping up tbh, assuming I don't lose another music video challenge hahaha. I would LOVE a final 3 with me, Ali, and Devon but I know that's a long way off so I'm just focusing on the here and now. My biggest concern is protecting Ali. Essentially Duncan hit me up to work with him, TJ, and Jordan and I was very much like lol not sure about that. Mainly because Jordan and I don't have a strong relationship? And Duncan was like yeah but he wants to get to know you better and I'm like https://giphy.com/gifs/week-wtf-moments-QjIz1AqkGTszK If that's the case, that needs to come from Jordan and then it's between me and Jordan. Why someone else is interceding on Jordan's behalf is very dicey to me but I'm not that surprised because that continues to be a theme with Duncan: getting me to fit into plans that best suit him. Y'all know DAMN well Jordan Pines don't wanna go to the end with me and the feeling is mutual. But I HAVE to make it work with Jordan or Duncan will get pissy. He literally was like ok well who are you close with and I felt a serious feeling in my gut to not mention Ali. So I said oh I talk to Adam a lot but I wouldn't say I trust Adam. So after telling Ali all of this lmao, we decided I needed to go back to Duncan and say yes because it would keep me in the know and keep both of us safe. Also it allows me to keep an eye on Jordan and Duncan at the same time so we truly stan. And the gag is I'm not scared of Jordan Pines and I welcome the challenge of getting him out so love yall for letting me in through the front door hahaha My new issue is just timing. We'll be ok if we win this next challenge but if not, I could see that alliance targeting Ali. Obviously I have a plan and will put the vote on someone else but I really want to prolong turning on that group for as long as I can. I don't wanna spook TJ and I know killing Jordan will leave me with a pissed Duncan and I really don't need that based on how seriously he's playing. So I'm hoping I can finesse somehow? Maybe one of them gets idoled out at merge and then a blindside on the other won't be as messy. But yeah I keep feeling like the walls are closing in, in terms of allies, and I'm working HARD to make sure I have an exit strategy at all times haha cause fuck these men I'm trying to win again. I "love everyone" which means I have no problem voting out anyone

So let me just make sure i got this right, connor tried to get people to vote for me, they all told me, he "planned" with me to go for liam, then....he votes for duncan and he goes home unanimously? little did he realize when he went around and gave a feeble attempt at rallying people to vote for me, i had already rallied everyone to go for him and made sure everyone knew he was a liar and couldnt be trusted, you know im a firm believer in loose lips sink ships and i absolutely used my big mouth as my weapon to sink his ship. Even if there turns out to be some majority alliance that did this all without me then well...i guess that's another story but im still taking my hard earned credit because either way i got what i wanted one way or another so im here for it, sorry gal! i now find myself in a position i hope i can make some moves with, duncan already just made a vague to comment to me about how "it only takes 4 now" which he's right, and he mentioned autumn, himself, me, and ali. Which, that's a 4 I would love to go forward with for the time being, i like to think ive had good genuine talks with them 3 in particular, and now we can start get together maybe lock something in and if we make it to a merge or even another swap we at least have something to work with with each other, but we'll see, we gotta focus on immunity first now, id love to win just to for sure see any of the other people who lied to me go home oop so while i may be feeling ok now i just have to remember to simmer down and play smart and make the right connections with the right people i need and saying the right things to whomever needs to hear it, because that's what i do best in these type of games to stay alive, i feel like my intuition has been leading me ok so far this game so im just gonna keep basing my decisions off that and charging forward PERIOD and ill damn sure do it with or without the help of the tomb because a bitch can not get in ive tried over and OVER at this point im back to pounding on the door of it just hoping if im annoying enough yall will let me in!

i'll do a proper game confessional later but me and dan are both judges for the svalbard music video challenge and its so sad that we cant talk... its like... this could be us working on a music video if things were different kjlsdfa its missing dan and jake hours

Whew! Sorry about that what happened was I ran out of anxiety meds a few days and that rant was the commutation of being with out sanity pills for three days! Everything is fine! I am fine! People are fine! I am sorry to the future Thoth 2.0 tribe, you are all great, I just get very spirally when I am without some sort of stabilizing force! Sorry to the hosts for using this as a diary this is not a diary this is survivor... Anyway this time I have some more constructive things to add! Okay so things are fine. Dan and I continue to bond, though he had to call me out on being bad at communication in order for our relationship to progress. I get it was like a check point or whatever and frankly I appreciated it. Like I said in my rant yesterday I have massive paranoia when comes to interacting with people and whether they like me or not, so constructive feedback while annoying is always helpful. Plus through research I found that he values a good social game so the fact that he's reaching out and telling me what I'm doing wrong is probably a sign that I'm not a lost cause :D. It turns out we have a few mutual friends our lord and savior John Coffey and also Sarah,... Lynn to be specific there are like a shit ton of Sara(h)s so should probably clarify lol. I want to work with him. I know he's in the majority alliance with the brawn tribe, which also contains Jakey and Jordan. Considering the fact that the beauties are slowly but surely getting eliminated, their favor would be helpful to me and mine. However, I know for sure that one of them wrote my name down. Honestly probably both of them. I know I keep harping on this fact but I just really really don't like the idea of looking like an idiot by aligning with someone who wanted me dead or wanted to fuck with me. If we do lose this challenge we are going to have to figure out who to keep or who to eliminate, I feel like it should be between those two. Mostly because I'm not exactly comfortable with a brawn majority. Like I know how people are saying tribe lines don't matter and while they don't, advantages do. And what more advantageous than being in a majority alliance? If we get rid of a brawn that would make it 4 brains- 4 beauty - 5 brawn. Which seems a bit more fair lol. Also RIP Connor remember how I said he was a threat? Welp I guess this is why they don't ask me for cast assessments :/ and also cause I was dead for like several years.

absolutely nothing has happened in fact i was kinda in a ~mood~ today so i feel like my social game took a big L because i didnt feel like talking to anyone and i was busy so i kept being that bitch to responding once an hour ..... but in other news i finally accessed the tomb, and once i started using more than one brain cell at a time i was able to get in and it was actually about 10x easier than i was making it out to be im not sure WHY i was struggling so much but of course, to no surprise i finally get in and the pedestal is empty AGAIN. Now there's not only at least 1 idol from the last time i went in the tomb gone, but there's possibly a second too, if not an advantage that can easily be played against me. At this point all i can do is try and recover a little bit, tomorrow ill have to just try more with my conversations and hopefully one of the people i can somewhat trust is the person who has whatever was in their time time around but probably not, it's never that easy

okay so i have a video confessional from earlier uploading which is kind of a recap of the last two rounds BUTTT!! liam just finished editing our video and i love it!! he did so good and our tribe all tried our best... im just hoping the other tribe didn't go bananas all out, because if they didn't we should hopefully win... i really wanna win immunity because otherwise i feel like adam is gonna be the vote and i dont want that anymore KJASDFA. i would just be sad because idk who the alternative would even be.... so basically we better win immunity KJLSADFA

Me: Alright everyone, make sure you film horizontally!!! Devon: Fuck you

Honestly!!! I take back what i said about Kendall. I feel like we’re making some strides to work together??? Or she’s playing me? I’m hoping to stir a Devon vote this round because I think he threw the vote on Kendall to piss me off, but who knows. I wanna talk to Jakey and see what he thinks about a me/him/augusto/Amir alliance to get through this vote? Idk I trust him but who knows!!!! Maybe everyone is lying to me??? 

okay... i know i said god is a woman and her name is autumn but its time for the remix. god is a woman and her name is alyssa's mum because alyssa's mum just rescued us from defeat in that challenge JKASDF the judges were kinda unnecessarily harsh but we move on. basically for the other tribe's tribal, i hope jake/dan/devon live... hopefully another scary old school person goes but tbh who knows what is going to happen?! im just so happy to have made f13, i said i'd come 14th in my intro so we love surpassing my own expectations

the immunity challenge went well, we won, which is good because i just didnt feel like going to tribal council because im honestly unsure what the hell is going on, i wanted to feel good about the connor vote because obviously that was my plan from the start however he just made it a little too easy by not talking to a lot of people allegedly, up until right before the vote, i dont think there'd be an easy vote next time we go to tribal, unless ... it's me... am i the easy vote?? i wanna really think im not but its just always too quiet to me when we dont go to tribal there's also lots of talk and speculation about a possible merge at 13, but me and my vivid imagination aka paranoia think maybe another swap of some sort could still happen even if for just another round or 2, i never knew with you sneaky hosts!! also i know we won in the challenge but we wouldve won in the challenge by even more if liam used more footage of my video i sent in i feel like i got no screentime!!! but of course i kept my big mouth shut for once because there's no i in team so ill try not to throw too much of a diva fit but listen... i tried to give yall a DEATH DROP, and i pulled a wig ruveal by snatching off my hat, and i was giving you a whole tik tok dance i made myself..... but there was no way i was doing more than beyonce's part so he didnt have much to work with so touche .... the full version i made will just be deleted scenes for myself ill reflect on when im more mature and think to myself "what the fuck was i doing?" 

So not to my surprise, we end up losing the challenge AGAIN!! I've just accepted that I really don't have any luck in this game. I was really hoping that we'd just win every challenge until the merge because I'm over going to tribal and voting people out. I feel like going to the amount of tribal councils that I have has left a huge target on my back. But at the same time, I'm playing the game more than other are. Maybe I have that going for me, who knows. Anyways, the Thots alliance is deciding on either Devon or Dan for this vote. I basically told them I was good with either, even though I would perfer to keep Devon so that I at least have more of an opportunity to rebuild our relationship. I've made it very clear that if the group as a whole wanted to do Devon that I'd write his name down to prove that I trust this group moving forward. So we decide to go with Dan for this vote, and this doesn't really sit well with Jakey. I'm not surprised by that, since I know he's wanted Kendall out for awhile now. But he is really adamant that he doesn't want Dan to go. Which I get, he thinks that Dan would trust him moving forward. When it comes to Dan though, his social game lacks so much that it's like "I don't even know if I can trust him moving forward". And I think the fact that Jakey more so wants to target Kendall this round instead of Dan is a strong sign for me. I'm pretty positive he has an idol since the brain one has been found and he's lied to me about clues before. So this has me thinking, maybe it's a good time to get Jakey out this round? Thinking about it numbers wise for the future, we don't really need Jakey's vote for a majority this round since the four beauties and myself makes 4, and if we bring in Devon that's 5. Plus, I don't even think that Jakey's under the impression that he would... get voted out this round. He seems offly confident that he's staying, just that Dan's going. But I like to think he'd let Dan be a sinking ship and go.. Idk I'm gonna try to pitch this to Amir and see what he thinks. I kind of tried to hint around it to Augusto that Jakey wasn't cool with it, but Augusto kind of turned a blind eye at that. And I don't trust Kendall with my thoughts since she's very blunt... so I wouldn't be surprised if she leaked my plans. Similarly to what Devon did when I voted him out last week. I'm hoping that Amir will see where I'm coming from and that he might be open to that concept. For all I know, I could be voted out this round. And honestly, that'd be the smart move for them to make because my perception in the game so far has been pretty spot on. I think my self awareness this time around has been an asset for me, so I'm hoping that I can get by this vote and hopefully enter the merge soon. 

Coming back into the game, I knew I needed to open up a bit and start to Slither earlier than I would imagine. After throwing a vote onto Kendall, I broke down any chance between the Beauty and Brawn working together to knock out myself and Scott. I haven't told anyone about my vote, and don't plan to. Going into this vote, Dan should be the obvious choice. OG Brawn hasn't suffered any additional losses in numbers, and I'm just too close with Augusto/Amir/Kendall to consider flipping. In preparation of tonight NOT being a swap, I established an alliance with Amir and Augusto. They are a duo in every sense, but attaching myself to them sets up the opportunity to at least CONSIDER voting out Scott next round. It would have to be between him and Scott. 

All I got to say is oof… I genuinely thought I was on vacation after the last round like I’ve been SO bad about talking to people or at least that’s how I felt cause I was operating at 60% instead of the 110% I do when I socialize. That being said, I have my goals that I want to stick to and see happen. Dan needs to leave this tribal so I can get Jakey out next even if Dan leaving makes me really sad. Dan leaving takes a number away from the Brawn and a number away from Jakey, who I am able to get out by keeping Devon and having him/Kendall/myself/Amir vote for him if we happen to lose again. The alliance of me/Kendall/Amir/Jakey/Scott went on call last night and it was deadass an hour and a half long call where everyone was like “idk who should go but I’m fine with whatever” although… that certainly wasn’t the case. I, personally, made points that were pro-Devon such as Devon not having any clear allies to reunite with at merge and things like that and EVENTUALLY at the last 5 minutes of the call, we decided that Dan leaving is the better option. Scott and I even discussed a Brawn having to go before we even did the call so yeah. One thing I could tell though? Jakey was not having it. I understand his frustration but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I voted out AJ to prove that I am not here to play by tribal lines and you said you would do the same but here we are… Amir called me last night telling me about how Jakey was trying to strong arm him into voting Devon out because Jakey didn’t want to do Dan… like sir, I’m? I’m very happy that Amir came to me and confided in me to kinda spill out his emotions like that makes me <3 but it also made me wanna pop off at Jakey because I don’t like those approaches in games hgfjdks even if I do really like Jakey, I was just ugh gjfdks. That aside, I feel like I am doing good about getting information and building friendships out here like I’m DEADASS is almost every single alliance on the tribes I’ve been a part of and while I don’t get tons of info from direct sources (ie. Jakey), I get the information from close allies (ie. Amir) which in a way can be even better? That being said, I’ve been way too good at forming friendships that every vote makes me feel really bad? With Dan for example, I adore that man like even if he isn’t the most talkative he’s just amazing. But does Dan benefit my game as much as Devon? Not really, even if Dan wanted to align. I’m sticking to my promise of doing what I have to do and be a little bit more cutthroat than I usually am because I do genuinely want to win this game and I’ll do what it takes to get there. Honestly, I’d be SHOOK if we do not merge next round or the round after ghfjdksm but I’m just trying to plan ahead and look at my connections. My Thoth connections are Amir > Kendall > Devon > Scott > Jakey whereas my Hathor connections are Autumn > Duncan > Adam (?) > TJ > Jordan > Liam M > Ali. If we do merge, making a secret thing with Autumn would be KEY just to have another person in my corner but also I need to connect with a Brawn to be good with them yknow? It’ll definitely be interesting and I can see the merge being messier than a taco bell bathroom BUT I’m hyped at the same time?

How is it already Day 16? There seems to be something seriously wrong with that. Anywho, I've let myself take a quick step back on the social game these last few days. I think I've put in the work to cement a couple strong groups here and can put myself in a good spot, but now I can avoid being the person that probably would be seen as a huge threat in the near future. Once merge hits (which I'm hoping is this next round), I'm going to have to go back to bringing that social game to a 9 (10 is where the Alyssa threat level begins), but right now I'm hopefully putting myself in a good place. In the event we don't have a merge and have one more vote on Hathor, I really think I need to make a move on Ali. I realize I keep saying this and I'm going to feel awful when he sees this all, but he is such a HUGE threat, and I can't let him skate by to where there's no room to stop him. I made that mistake last time in letting the person I knew would win get too far without me being able to stop them. Not this time. Ain't no fucking way.

This may very well be my last confessional lmao. I’m just feeling very paranoid about this vote and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone votes for me except for Jakey. Or if he even flips to the majority against me. And honestly! I’ve come to terms with it. I really tried my best in the game and I can’t be mad about how I performed in this game specifically. I understand I’m a threat in these games and if people are worried about me end game, quite frankly they should be. I know that I’ve played Tumblr Survivor one too many times and should have quit while I was ahead. I know I’ve talked about working with Kendall and killing Devon, but honestly idk who is voting where. I think I’m going to try to just go with what I think is majority (against Kendall) and just hope to god I’m not going anywhere. I hate having this defeatist attitude, but if I get voted out I’m going to have zero hard feelings and take it in stride. I guess I’m just not cut out to win tumblr survivor ❤️

Our video was so iconic, SHOUT OUT TO ALYSSA'S MOM!!! I should really be making sure im fortifying the bonds i've made but im really just happy to be on break and not have tribal. I've only been to tribal once within a 7 day time span instead of the 4 times in 7 days the brains endured before. I will say i was positively shook to get the vote from connor, but i never thought i could play a perfect game anyways lol. I'm hoping to god that dan or jakey go, i dont want the brawns over here to have other options than autumn and i come merge. Im surprised at myself because im starting to really want to stick with all these people come a merge, i suppose we'll see how it goes and how my attitude changes moving forward. 

Sooooooo I actually felt kind of bad about voting for Dan until he was throwing my name out :/ I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm kind of nervous now. Like Jakey told me this and he did the same thing to AJ. Also I haven't heard anything from Scott yet... that's sketchy right? Ugh I swear if I'm voted out then Alyssa's mom, I will meet you in the Denny's Parking lot for a fight. I'm not afraid to throw hands at the elderly, ask Drew. 

We love when men listen to me an in turn we win immunity! This is now the second time that's happened lmao cause I sure did make everyone commit to a time block so we didn't play ourselves in the endurance challenge and I sure did suggest Telephone as the song choice so wooooo Not a lot has happened and I don't have a lot of time to talk to begin with but I have a strong feeling we are not merging tonight lmao. Tbh I look forward to another day on Hathor it's very chill over here, all things considered. Also I need a couple chill challenges the next two rounds cause ya girl is moving, graduating, and leading an underground movement all at the same time so don't set me up with a crazy time-consuming challenge lol

I feel vindicated. Starting off in this game, I was not doing so well gameplay wise. Flash forward, I've been a big contributor physically, and socially too! I've got big plans, and I will carry this tribe again if I have to!

(may've already submitted this but i'm worried i submitted it for day 18?)

Also...

ok let me just start by saying: im in an emotionally FRAGILE state at the moment writing this right after the winners at war finale.....SPOILERS IF YOU HAVENT SEEN BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT....NATALIE AND WINCHELE ROBBED, as inspired as i am by my aries sistren natalie and think she should've won, im even more upset for my fellow beauty sister michele because lowkey? i absolutely LOVE the way michele plays, because in my own head at least i like to think i at least play slightly similar, i like to lay low and just adapt to where i see i can fit the best, anywho thats all ill say on that, back to THIS game dan being voted out last round, was kinda meh, i had the tiniest conversation with him during one world and he did end up giving me some tea about the brawns, but i couldve easily tried working with him later on against the beauties, PLUS him leaving means that none of those false beauties left, which is bad for me because i want them all gone oop and ive worked hard over here trying to make sure everyone knows they are threats even if theyre not working together, they went against me and lied to me, which means i cant trust them or work with them, which means i need to make sure no one else does either it's very nice though duncan has approached me and asked who i was comfortable with incase we did go to tribal and he said him and jordan pines were pretty close and honestly jordan is the only one ive been on a call with this whole game which is fine because anyone who knows me knows i dont care for calls much in this game and that usually hurts me so im hoping its not hurting me this time but truly, im not sure people are approaching me way more with information and plans then they ever have so im hoping thats a good sign, espcially with duncan saying he basically wanted me to be in the know with him, i think i can trust him as of now going foward and i hope the same about jordan pines, because first of all i love his energy and him as a person my fellow stoner crackhead, and second of all let's be real i definitely want to use him as a shield later on cmon the guy has a season named after him, forget denise being the queen slayer, i want to be the king tamer also in good with ali and autumn i think?? i personally enjoy my short little convos i have with them frequently so i just hope we're on the same page, but idk the little voice in the back of my head is telling me it all seems too good to be true almost like a perfect illusion and maybe duncan is tricking me trying to talk to me about "keeping this tribe strong", so i guess we'll have to wait until the next time we go to a tribal together to find out so yeah in conclusion, sorry to dan, and plot twist of the century im rooting for jakey to not be voted out the other tribe? even though im still convinced he could be making me his number 1 target especially if he gets in kahoots with kendall, but im hoping i played them against each other enough during the one world so that didnt happen 

What do ya know....another tribal council. After only being exempt from one tribal, this has become somewhat of a routine. I am extremely confident in the numbers this round. I'm under the belief that everyone will be writing down Jake's name, and Jake will likely be writing down my/Kendall's name. Still, I believe there is a worry about idols. I would hate to be idoled out by Jake after everything I have worked towards...I can't afford to throw my vote on Kendall or Scott with the merge coming up so soon, because it fractures my game going into a potential merge...Somewhat of a "all or nothing" bet tonight.

Me @ the brawns who have been on this tribe: https://media.giphy.com/media/szPZ2NXIGCMcE/giphy.gif

So a couple new developments: 1. Jordan offered me a final two which I'm sooooo excited to see how that's going to turn out. I've really connected with Jordan this game (which admittedly I didn't think would happen before this game), but he's been the person I've confided in the most out here. So I really think this is going to be the start of something amazing. 2. With this F2 deal, Jordan told me that Amir/Jakey knew each other outside of this game. This is bad for me both because Jakey is supposed to be my other guy with Jordan, but also Amir is the person I'd want to target come merge (which should be next round). I have zero connection to him, he's proven to be good at comps, he's won this game before, and he doesn't add into my plan of having numbers on every side. So now I'm in a spot where I think I'll probably have to make a move against potentially my closest / other closest ally in this game. Being safe right before the potential merge feels amazing and opens a lot of opportunities, but is extremely scary knowing who is going to merge. Hopefully come to merge, I have a chance at the merge idol to avoid anyone else having the chance at getting it, because I need some added knowledge in this game.

I am so fucking pissed at Devon. WHY ARE YOU ON THE BRAINS IF YOU HAVE NO BRAIN CELLS!!!!!!! dsfjkaafkjdaldjfjadksjads Great now I get to die!

I don't know why Jakey wants to kill me. I am not a threat. Like at all? Most of the strategies I come up with are bad and I am barely social? Sure I guess I can win like a challenge or two but not enough to be physical? I mean I'm trying to kill him but like... honestly he started it 2 rounds ago. I am a paper tiger worse I am a paper giraffe. Sure I'm tall but basically harmless and only sort of evil. At least I remember why I hated him so much. I don't hate him NOW, I'm 22 years old I have better things to do then hate some guy for trying to win a game. But I am annoyed and inconvenienced by this. Maybe a little hurt too because the only reason I can think to get voted out is because my personality sucks so much that he doesn't see a future where we can work together. Which is fair I guess? But I can't be that awful right? God this game is a constant existential crisis... Also I think people are annoyed with me for being paranoid and shit. Oh I'm sorry people who's name isn't getting written down, I'm sorry I'm not more pleasant while I'm in fear for my metaphorical life. 

It’s a MESS ITS A FUCKING MESS SCOTTIE WANTS DAN OUT DAN WANTS DEVON JAKEY WANTS DEVON DEFON WANTS DAN AUGUSTO AND KENDALL WANT JAKEY AMIR WANTS NOT JAKEY OR AUGUSTO OR KENDALL I literally don’t have number in this game and I’m going to get fucked on at the merge 

Okay so Augusto basically told him that his name was an option for this vote or the next one and Kendall told him that the brawns are bringing up his name and said that he was the throw away vote So now my gut is telling me dan did it and jakey was in on it But I don’t care, if that’s the case Everyone on this tribe wants a brawn out, EVERYONE I just have to make sure it’s not jakey Because Augusto and Kendall want jakey now and I refuse it Rn it seems they r okay doing dan It seems everyone is cool doing dan So I’m happy with that

Jakey is fucking strong arming me r u joking Ndbdjdjsns Jakey talked to scottie And got scottie to want devon So now they’re gonna try and call the alliance tmmrw and change to vote back to devon over dan And if Augusto and Kendall don’t want to Jakey wants to pull brain and brawn to vote kendall like sir I’m literally getting strong armed, and he can’t see why people want dan out I could make a move rn But should I even I probably shouldn’t If they try to get kendall I will flip it on him 

don’t know what to do I’m pleading so hard with jakey rn like hey it’s not good for me to go into merge with 6 brawn 4 beauty (dysfunctional) and 3 brain (dysfunctional) And I said I want to do dan is that okay like jakey u need to choose a side, brawns, or this tribe And he goes If u decide to do dan Then I’m gonna unite dan and Scott and Devon and vote kendall So if that’s the case, I’m sending u home theres no way around it then

Throw back to last night when I hung up on jakey to call Augusto and told jakey that I was taking a shower but literally I was gone for an hour and needed an excuse fast so I told him i shaved my ass call that strategic ass shaking 

Okay so this tribal. Everyone on my tribe thinks jakey is evil and he’s just going to go back to the brawn tribe, which is like, wtf, he literally voted in minority on purpose and gave us leverage on him. Like he literally has put himself on the line multiple times. He ratted out the brawn majority over and over. Like jakey is not loyal to the brawns on the other side at all. The people on this tribe don’t give a shit and my opinion isn’t being heard at all, Kendall won’t budge and Augusto won’t budge, and Scott wants to keep devon. Can I just say scott is a rat, he is playing every single person. Jakey trusted him soooo much . Anyway, everyone wants jakey out for literallt no reason and jakey trusts me 100% and jakey is the best way to get info from the brawns on the other side. Anyway, KDJDKSN KDNDKD we are getting dirty. Jakey has an idol. And I told him he was the vote and I made it sound like it’s all Scott’s decision cuz I’m really tight with Kendall and Augusto, so now, jakey wants to idol out Scott Basically, it’s time for a cluster fuck and it’s time for chaos So at merge jakey and I will play from Opposite sides

so jakey fking tried to flip the vote and he blew up the 5 person alliance to devon and hes fucking up my game so much nkwejfnkew god maybe i will try and get him out at merge even tho i love him, i basically had to ccreate this narrative that jakey thinks that me jakey scott and devon are voting kendall but jakey is actually voting out scott jesus christ thi round gave me a migraine i have a case of the lie-abetes

I- there's nothing else to say hahaha the boys don't even talk game. So when I know something y'all will know something

People are paranoid as hell about a merge. What is there to be paranoid about, honestly? I've just tried to come into this game and have a good time and I think I've achieved that. No one is really looking at me as a threat right now, and there's still plenty of time left to play.

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which i will upload but adam just woke me up to the fact that we might be merging tonight?! which is so exciting and kinda crazy.... and the days line up with montenegro for us to be merging... at merge i think all my "laying low" can finally be for something and i can transition the bonds i've been making into making stuff happen. i've also been hosting a game during these quarantine times and i've realised people that do too much making SUCH deep bonds during the early stages become the people the jury is mad at in the endgame. i feel like im the middle ground, people feel close to me (and I would like to think I've come across as likable) without everyone thinking im their soul sister closest ally. at merge i think my "close" people who i can somewhat rely on are: autumn, jake, dan(?), jordan(?) and adam? like i have a core of people with various connections, which gives me some cover. its just about then feeling out the rest and seeing who i can trust amongst the rest... particularly the unknowns of augusto/kendall/scott/amir (assuming they are all at merge). like that is going to be the most important part of the merge stage for me, is figuring out which of them i can trust (and i do think dan and/or jake's opinions can help with this, because brainstorming with autumn helped me figuring out this hathor swap tribe).

i'm excited for merge... i do think i have early juror written all over me but i am also very excited. its time to emerge from the shadows and stumble my way into the light

live fast die young merge boots do it well. i literally am a clown, i got excited by my guess going so well and now i literally am a target the size of the sun exclusively because of my own actions what was i thinking KJASDFA honestly at this point? i embrace it, i push the 'im a shield' narrative and i trot on my little trotters to being mayor of ponderosa. this season i chopped of my own head so will not be the winner and the king, but hopefully i can be a kingmaker? also if me winning the tiebreak sends jake home i literally will be so unspeakably frustrated with myself i will literally... scream. HE PROBS HATES ME. i'm praying he lives i will feel so bad if he doesnt KLASDF

i literally... can not believe i am so stupid my lack of braincells really boggles my mind

So I was really hoping that we would win this challenge today because I like everyone on this tribe. But of course with my luck in this game, we lose AGAIN. And it's a shame because I like the Thots Alliance and i feel bad voting out Devon. I know he's someone who trusts me and although I don't 100% trust him, I know that he's someone I can depend on. Plus he makes a really good goat at the end, so it'll make winning more of an obstacle for me without him there. To my surprise however, Kendall and Augusto approach me with the idea of voting out Jakey. I really like Jakey and I practically see him as my #1 here, so voting him out would be difficult for me to do as well. We've discussed the idol together, he gave me his CBS all access account info to watch the finale, and hes one of the very few smart people in this game. So on a personal level, this is a hard decision to make. However, from a game perspective, it might be the right call. Jakey's setting himself up to be a swing vote at the merge, and the fact that he campaigned for Dan to stay and was adamant on not voting him out shows that. When it comes to Devon and I, I would prefer to not vote Devon out but if I needed to in order to show that I trust an alliance moving forward I would. So the fact that Jakey doesn't see it like that is alarming to me. In addition to that, I know that Jakey has lied to me multiple times in this game. He purposefully gave me the wrong idol clue for one of the matches, and when I called him out on it he bluffed it up. On top of that, I know for a fact that he voted for Kendall during the AJ vote. And the fact that he's trying to play it off on Devon goes to show the lengths he would go to make sure he controls everything. And on top of that, he wants us all to tell Devon straight up that he's going. Like... did he not learn from my story when I tried to do that? It can't happen. From a game perspective, voting out Jakey is the more logical choice to make. He can navigate better in a group of people and is aware of whats going on. Devon on the other hand, doesn't even know where the idol is or how to look for it. Devon is someone who you can take into a merge and know what he's going to do. Jakey is more unpredictable. And I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to rally up troops to blindside me when that time came. From a personal perspective, I prefer that Devon goes just because of the lack of trust between us and the fact that I don't ever see myself fully trusting him. Sadly I have to lose this battle in order to win the war at the end. So I'm going to vote Jakey out tonight and really hope that it doesn't come to bite me in the but or that he doesn't play his idol (i know he has one, its obvious with how paranoid he's been)

Guess I’m gonna cry because we lost… by a tiebreaker… it was sad. I feel especially awful because had I not made the mistake of repeating a name on my list during my 8th guess, we could’ve very well have won… but no one needs to know that! It just blows because going into a potential merge in a 7-5 scenario is NOT it. Plus like, their only vote was a unanimous vote for Connor which like… love Connor, but a rock could vote Connor out. I wanted to see tension, I wanted to see idols played, I wanted to see hands thrown, I wanted to see lines drawn, and I wanted to see messiness but all I ended up seeing? Disappointment. I hate it here deadass (‘:

Aside from being kinda sad we lost, I do feel super secure. Last round, I wanted Dan to leave to get rid of Brawn numbers and have the best chance to get Jakey out and now I have that! I know Amir is on the fence but I know Kendall and Devon would be all for it (Scott is as well, but I didn’t really know how much he’d be about it until this round) so it needs to happen. While I adore Jakey as a person and we’ve connected a lot, our strategic games don’t align at all since he doesn’t tell me much of anything? Most of his info goes to Amir or Scott and I’m being selfish here but I want all the tea (‘: plus him playing double agent with the Brawns at merge is not what I need if we’re going into the merge with not enough numbers. Not only that but Adam is a wildcard in terms of if he’ll work with me or not but Jakey being there with us makes it so Adam wouldn’t want to so there’s that. Girl… i sound like a whole ass gamebot wtf ghfdjnms

It’s so weird like I am extremely proud of the game I am playing but I still feel inadequate as a player? I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others because I’m ME but my two closest allies (Kendall, Amir) are playing so much better? Amir is able to get all the tea in the world and form those important game connections which I don’t feel like I can yknow? With Kendall, she is just so bold (and beautiful) with her gameplay in a way I could never like she doesn’t mind being the secondary target, she talks to everyone and talks game with everyone, and stuff like that. So in a way, I’m probably not a major threat to people because those two icons are here BUT I also don’t know if that’ll make me seen like a non-factor… that’s just how I feel going into merge and it’s kinda mehhh idk ;-;

MERGE IS COMING. TOnight actually, people are speculating, but im the only one with the certainty that its tonight and im feeling wonderful. I think if I play my cards right Im gonna have a lot of options come merge. God pending Kendall does not die tonight (hopefully her beauties keep her alive) im gonna suggest we secret pair beware this shit and tsart working from opposite sides to keep each other safe. That will allow me to pick of people Im not working with, while hopefully ensure that people im not with who are with her will be detered from targeting me. Thats my plan but who knows what the true dynamics of merge will be. Ive been playing quiet so far but im about to become the star of teh show, my ego just cant take it.

i really feel like by getting a five i got jake voted out and i want to scream i literally am gonna be out for blood if he goes

[sextonsharpwinhalstead]

Ships: Could They? Would They? Should They? Part 2

So, the last time I did this I said that the sky was the limit and I meant it! (LOL) Also there are a few ships that I know are rare (my beloved rare-pairs) that weren’t even hinted at; as well as some obvious ageism issues and exclusion of cast members so here we are with Part 2. Also, I’ve taken liberties of developing each one with bits and pieces of canon and fanon.

*Side Note*

I don’t expect this to be as popular as the other; mostly because these characters aren’t as popular in the Tumblr Fandom.

April Sexton/ Natalie Manning

Ship Name: Mexton

Why They work: Both Nat and April have a great balance of hard work, drive, and compassion for their patients. They are both strong, inspirational, and have been disappointed or heartbroken in different ways by the men they have let into their love lives. April’s nurturing side would be great with Owen, and Natalie could step up in a stronger personality role for April who is often backed into a corner or allows herself to be taken advantage of. Dates would consist of breakfast in bed, gushy text messages, and Natalie serenading April with her violin.

Why They Won’t: The show was really awful about using their friendship to boost Natalie’s needs and if we went off of that then Natalie would be horribly not-supportive when April is going through hard times. April is a catholic Afro-Latina and from a pretty strict upbringing, being out wouldn’t be easy in those worlds. Also, I honestly think if April were to get into a femme relationship with anyone it’d be with Sarah.

Natalie Manning/ Sarah Reese

Ship Name: Meese

Why They Work: The episode when Natalie and Ethan removed a prototype from the little body-hackers stomach opened the nerdy-world of a young Natalie Manning we as an audience were not privy to before. But that girl still exists within in her and it would probably be a draw for nerdy Sarah. I could see them on dates to the Smithsonian, playing the crossword over breakfast in the morning, and playfully arguing over peer-reviewed medical journals. They’d borrow each other’s scrubs and Natalie would quiz Sarah on her boards; and missed questions would mean Sarah would be doing the laundry. Sarah would be in awe of seeing a classically trained violinist whose back-up was being a doctor and Natalie would easily bond with the prissier parts of Sarah’s personality. However…

Why They Won’t: Canonically, Sarah made it clear that she does not want children and Owen (although rarely seen or spoken about since season 1) is very much a part of Natalie’s’ life; it’s a deal breaker folks.

Sharon Goodwin/ Daniel Charles

Ship Name: Choodwin

Why They Work: Meticulous, wise, funny, and successful these two have always put their careers first (even to the detriment of their personal lives). When they talk you are for sure there is a story accompanied with their advice/musings. I could see late night coffee dates where they slowly disclose little surprising pieces of their history, maybe Sharon worked as a casino showgirl to pay for school and Daniel performed his own experiments with psychedelic medicine made popular in the 60’s (on himself). They have a friendship that slowly turns into something more and they don’t feel the need to label it; they just let it be. This is the mature, relationship goals, we all want and the peace that healthy drama-free love actually is.

Why They Won’t: There is a reason Daniel has been married 3 times and none of it seems good. Also, even though the show hasn’t mentioned much of her, Daniel has another daughter (aside from Robin) who Sharon would need to warm up to. Also, if we take into context the age of his daughter; we should ask ourselves how long it’s been since his last divorce and if he is even in a position to date again; Sharon too. I would hate to see some of his baggage and demons hurt Sharon when she’s had her heart broken not once (Bert) but twice (losing her first love to parasites) on the show. In all honesty I could live my entire life not seeing her cry again.

Will Halstead and Sarah Reese

Ship Name: Ralstead

Why They Work: Smarty pants. Everyone on this show is brilliant and has to be especially to be doctors, but there is smart-nerdy side to Will that seeps out in all kinds of episodes; he geeks out over medicine a lot. We have seen Sarah develop into someone who is way more confident in her abilities and willing to challenge the rules a bit more than she was in season one. They could meet on these overlapping personality quirks and interests. There would be dates where they traded off into nerd-world and then into classic fun.

Why They Won’t: Sarah is a lot more progressive socially than Will. I could see her being offended on a regular basis with some of his not so subtle sexist ways. Also, the show hasn’t stated yet but I can see Will being into more traditional life-steps: house, marriage, kids. We know Sarah doesn’t want kids and I wouldn’t be shocked if we found out she wasn’t into marriage either.

 Jeff Clarke/ Ethan Choi

Ship Name: Cloi

Why They Work: Bros’ that think they’re bros and then end up in bed together. They would’ve been bonding over their past lives in the military, swapping war stories, and trying to one-up the other in crazy hi-jinks from the past. I could see this ship beginning as the two of them going out and picking up women, having beers, and playing games but then eventually leading to quieter activities like staying in; instead. One thing would lead to another and they would wind up in bed together. I could see them being each other’s “first” in that regard.

 Why They Won’t: Machismo and homophobia would be the main stumbling blocks for this ship, one or both of them would not want to make the relationship public and it wouldn’t seem like a problem, but could you see how hard that would be in episodes like Monday Mourning? Or Cold Front? I think it would stress the little ship and it’d crack.

Will Halstead/Ethan Choi

Ship Name: Chalstead

Why They Work: Smart, hardworking, and both Chief Resident (although at separate times) these two could work. However, I could see this being another “secret relationship” but not because of homophobia but purely for professionalism. They are both incredibly focused at work and no one would even know they were together unless told. But at night and on the weekends the two can be found in bed reading medical journals, summing up the weird stories of the ED, and trying different restaurants.

Why They Won’t: Although both professional; Will is still the attending and higher on the totem pole. Even if they could be professional they are both still a bit egotistical and the fights would spill over into their home. Also, the rigid professionalism would begin to take a toll. I mean who doesn’t love a quick peck on the cheek from your partner or spouse before starting work?

Maggie Lockwood/ Will Halstead

Ship Name: Lockstead or Halwood (honestly, they have so many possibilities)

Why They Work: There are all kinds of ships that happen naturally on Med and Maggie and Will are one of them. They have a great friendship and on some ways canonically she is his only friend. A supportive friendship is always a great basis for a romantic one. This ship would be one where we watch as Will pines over Natalie and even dates Nina all while not realizing that the one person he doesn’t have to hide anything from is Maggie. He realizes out of the entire staff he is the only one that has met her family and she constantly looks out for him. In other words, the person you love has been in front of your face the entire time. She is feisty and not push over, something he definitely needs, and he has just enough confidence to take a powerful personality like hers on.

Why They Won’t: The nonsense Will has displayed with his treatment of Natalie and Nina. His behavior with Jennifer Baker; all of it would be a turn-off to Maggie. She is a charge nurse who understand order within the chaos but order none the less and that mess in season one with Will would’ve turned her off; also no one wants to be second pick…let alone third.

Maggie Lockwood/Sharon Goodwin

Ship Name: Goodlock or WinWood (a ton of name possibilities here too)

Why They Work: Maggie always has everyone’s back and none more than Sharon’s after Bert leaves. I could see Maggie bringing Sharon food, making sure she took care of herself, and sitting with her at night so she wouldn’t have to eat alone. They would reminisce about the old days of nursing together and Sharon would push Maggie to pursue more within that field. And although Maggie has expressed attractiveness to men like Connor and Jeff, women; in particular, make comments all the time on the attractiveness of both sexes without any romantic interest. In other words, the show has never clearly stated that Maggie is straight. Hanging out could lead to co-habitation, and then maybe more.

Why They Won’t: I could honestly see Sharon being into Maggie but then running from her feelings because it’s not what she’s used to. Also, this show has done NOTHING with Maggie as far as her interests go, she is work, work, work and so is Sharon; so, when would they have time to truly nourish this new avenue?

Jeff Clarke/ Sarah Reese

Ship Name: Cleese

Why They Work: This is the “It gets better” “Let me show you the ropes” ship. Sarah and Jeff could bond over the indecision they both have had in their careers. Jeff being military, then a fireman, and now a doctor. Sarah in the field but confused about which discipline to go into, emergency medicine, pathology, and then psych. She’d be shocked that he was flirting with her (just replace Noah in that “I watch you” scene and that’s how she would be). He’d be in awe of how smart she is. There would be a few dates and some really hot hook-ups…

Why They Won’t: …Before they realize there just isn’t a future there. He is a bit older and is still trying to get his footing and she is focused on being the best in psych. They would care for one another but would probably realize there isn’t enough common ground to sustain a relationship. They’d part ways amicably. (Also this is actually the rarest of ships as I don’t think these two even shared a scene together! photo courtesy of ChildofLoki)

Jeff Clarke/ April Sexton

Ship Name: Clexton

Why They Work: They both have heroic personalities. They are the type to go above and beyond to do the right thing in helping people and that compassion would be there but for each other. April helping Jeff dress his wounds after he is accidentally shot etc. Before White Butterflies, when we as an audience realized Jeff’s sole purpose on the show was to show Natalie’s ability to move on, I thought it would be a lot more fitting or realistic if he had been on the roof with April and almost kissed her. He always came across soft, and kind around her. He was the only one to implicitly express condolences to her about her miscarriage and then ask her how she was holding up. It was just that easy and no one else could do it. I could see him taking her for a drink and then they would hang out a little more and then….

Why They Won’t: But there is still only one resident spot and it went to Noah. How juicy the story-line could’ve been if they had decided to put Jeff and April together and then there would be tension about who got the residency, their break-up would be inevitable because Jeff (being the admirable person he is) wouldn’t want April to feel conflicted. He’d try and get the Hawaii residency and it would be this really sad ending to a “what could’ve been” ship.

Connor Rhodes/ David Downey

Ship Name: Dhodes

Why They Work: Connor respects brilliance and Downey was just that; brilliant, but also adventurous, wise, fun, and caring. His talent was renowned and that was what Connor would hope to be one day. Connor was not unlike Leah Bardovi in his wide-eyed admiration of David Downey. I think David saw a lot of himself in Connor as well as limitless amounts of potential. But often there were times when he looked at him that made me go…hmmm. It’s easy to cast Downey as the father-relationship Connor never had but it would also be a bit sexist of us to believe that men too can and do fall in love with other men because of “daddy issues.”

Why They Won’t: Cancer. Downey would still be sick and he probably wouldn’t want to begin a relationship knowing how heartbroken Connor would be that he couldn’t fulfill it (think “Me Before You” levels of unconsummated love). The scene when he emptied his ashes in the ocean would be even more serenely heart wrenching.

Sarah Reese/ Daniel Charles

Ship Name: Cheese

Why They Work: Could you imagine?! This would really be an illicit affair; Sarah sleeping with her mentor?! They’d be sneaking around and we’d be wondering why? How? All I could say is that the line would probably begin to be crossed after the Monday Mourning episode. Sarah being one of the few people to show concern for him, maybe she checks on him at home and vice versa for him. Seeing the other out of the work profession and opening new avenues for conversation could happen. Sarah doesn’t seem like the type to care about marriage and kids and that would work for Daniel because he doesn’t seem interested in doing either again.

Why They Won’t: Let’s be real…eww lol. Aside from the obvious father daughter vibes, this ship has platonic written all over it. I would hate to think the show would cross that line and put them together. Also, Daniel would be risking a lot of his integrity starting a relationship with a subordinate and the messy psych dynamic would be…well messy.

[machihunnicutt]

Cherry Flavor

(Or read on ao3.)

"Hey, do you um...need a ride?" Connor looked up at the nervous, messy haired boy with a cast on his arm. He took a long sip of his cherry slushee and realized he'd reached the bottom of the cup. He slurped up the last of the artificial syrup and sighed.

"You're Evan Hansen aren't you?" He said, evading the question. He'd seen him gawking at his sister during jazz band concerts.

"And you're Connor Murphy," he replied. "It's late."

Connor was sitting on the curb, shivering in his thin hoodie. In hindsight he probably should have gotten a hot chocolate but he liked the way the cherry stained his mouth.

"Thanks Captain Obvious," he sneered.

Evan seemed to shrink from him. "So you don't need a ride or...?"

"Can we just go for a drive Hansen? I'm still kinda high and my parents are pissed off enough as it is."

"I...um, sure," he said. Connor got up.

"Do you want a slushee? I'll buy you one."

"No thanks, I'm good." Connor could still see him blush in the dark. Evan Hansen was kind of cute when he was nervous.

Evan's car had a little pine tree air freshener hanging from the mirror and his cup holders were full of loose change. There wasn't enough room for his legs but he didn't bother leaning the seat back.

"Where do you want to go?

"Where do you go when you need to get away Hansen?"

"Well I don't usually take off in the middle of the night so..."

"C'mon Hansen there's gotta be some place."

"Okay fine. I've never been there at night but there is this one spot."

"Lead the way," he said, leaning forward to turn up the volume on the radio. He looked over at Evan, whose eyes were focused nervously on the road ahead. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Are you sure you want to do that?"

"Yeah," he said, chewing on the straw from the slushee. "I do. Can you keep a secret Evan Hansen?"

"Um...yeah, I think so."

Connor shrugged. Good enough. It was better to get it off his chest here than in front of Zoe or his parents. "I'm gay. I'm like really gay." He laughed. He'd never said it out loud before. Evan didn't say anything.

"You want me to get out of your car now?" He asked, half joking half nervous.

"Of course not!" Evan exclaimed. "I wouldn't...I'm not..."

"Relax Hansen it's fine."

"I um...I'm glad you felt comfortable telling me and uh..."

"This isn't some after school special Hansen it's not a big deal," he said. "Where are we?"

"It's uh, a forest I come to sometimes. I climbed trees a lot before." He held up his arm in explanation.

Connor nodded. "Alright then. Wanna lay in the grass?"

Evan Hansen had a nice smile, so nice in fact it almost made the shitty evening better. The reason he was stoned at the 7-11 a mile and a half from his house at 10 pm on a Wednesday night was because his house was suffocating him. Now, in the open air with this dork next to him it felt like things might be okay after all.

They lied down in the grass, damp and earthy smelling, and looked up at the stars. "So what were you doing at the 7-11 that late anyway Hansen?

Beside him Evan shifted anxiously. "My mom never says it cause she's too nice but I know I'm a handful sometimes. I was giving her a break."

Connor snorted. "You're a handful? Next to me you're a goddamn angel."

"I don't know about that..."

Connor laughed too loudly. "I'm a royal fuck up anyone could tell you that."

"Connor..."

"Hey, do you have any secrets Hansen? You could tell me now that you know I want to kiss dudes." He realized, afterward, that his phrasing gave away that he hadn't yet kissed a dude. Connor Murphy hadn't kissed anyone but he didn't want Evan to know that.

"I don't know." Connor tilted his head to look at him and found Evan looking back. "Sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to stare or anything."

"You don't have to apologize so much Hansen," he said gently. It was probably the wrong thing to say but at least he tried to say it the right way.

"I, uh...when I broke my arm I told everyone I fell out of a tree. But I...um, I didn't fall exactly."

"What happened?" The night was startlingly quiet. Evan's voice was a whisper. Connor's mouth still tasted like sugar drowned cherries.

"I let go. I thought if I fell from high enough I would..."

"Hansen," he cut him off. "That's..." He groped for a word. "Rough."

"Don't tell anyone."

"I wouldn't." Connor tugged up his shirtsleeves and held his wrists close to Evan's face so he could see the scars in the dark. "I get it. I've been there." The day he woke up in the hospital had felt like the worst day of his life. He couldn't even kill himself without fucking something up.

"I'd be sad if you were gone," Evan muttered and something in Connor's chest tightened.

"Yeah well I'd be sad if you were gone too dork." He'd never talked to Evan Hansen like this. He barely knew the guy. He'd never talked to anyone like this. The ground felt especially solid beneath him.

"Hey, so you think we could maybe uh...ex-exchange emails?" It must've taken courage to talk when every sentence came out stuttered and shaking. Connor thought Evan was brave to keep asking scary questions with a voice like that. If he were in his shoes he might just shut his mouth entirely.

"Yeah, we can do that."

***

Evan was better on paper than he was in person. In person when he talked he felt like his mouth was full of cotton balls or toothpaste and everyone was looking disapprovingly at the inexplicable obstructions. On paper it felt less like his thoughts bled and tripped and stumbled their way to others. Writing Connor Murphy was surprisingly easy. Connor was kind of nice in private. The night he'd gotten his email he couldn't take his eyes off his slushee red mouth. When he took him home Connor thanked him. Evan was used to being the one who thanked other people, though most of the time thank you came out like I'm sorry. It was something he was working on.

Dear Connor Murphy,

I think you're underestimating the negative attention you'll get if you sit with me at lunch. I'm sort of the lowest of the low and not a scary, cool way like you are (not that you're the lowest of the low) but in a stupid loser way.

If you're really serious about what you said I can take you on a nature walk. It might be boring. Let's watch movies this weekend. Unless you're busy. Or you don't want to hang out with me. But if you do we could make cookies. Let me know.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Evan Hansen,

I hate to say I told you so (oh who am I kidding I love to say I told you so) but you've sat with me at lunch for three days and absolutely nothing bad has happened (unless you count the time I made you laugh so hard milk came out of your nose and I'm really sorry about that. I didn't realize I was so fucking hilarious. Go figure.)

Of course I'm serious about the tour Hansen. I need some of your forest expertise ASAP. How else am I gonna impress the eligible bachelors? I am more than down for movies and cookies as long as you let me buy the ingredients. My parents aren't loaded for nothing loser.

See you at school.

Sincerely,

Me

He was about 85% sure that Connor Murphy was his friend. Evan hadn't had a friend before so he thought that percentage stayed in a safe range. Connor still sat with him at lunch, though most of the time he just took a few apathetic bites of an apple and spent the rest of the time painting his nails or coaxing the details of the morning out of Evan. He emailed him at least 3 times a week and they hung out on the weekends unless Connor was having one of his bad days and then Evan would just give him his space. He'd even consulted Google about whether or not the symptoms he'd described constituted a friendship. Symptoms: like his interaction with Connor Murphy was some sort of disease. It wasn't. He was sure about that one.

"Okay Hansen I'm going to ask you something and you've gotta promise to tell me the truth okay?"

Evan felt his palms sweat. This variety of question was nerve-wracking. "O-okay."

Connor took another sip of his slushee. Stopping by the 7-11 had become a habit of theirs. Connor always got his bright red styrofoam pit of chemical ice and Evan opted for a plastic sleeve of sunflower seeds. Sugar didn't do well in his system.

"Do you have a thing for my sister?"

Evan's face went as red as Connor's slushee stained tongue. "Why would you ask me that?"

"It's okay if you do," he muttered, looking like he was lying. "I wouldn't be mad or anything."

"I did," he said. Freshman year she'd helped him up when he tripped over his own feet in the hallway and he'd been caught by how pretty the indigo in her hair was. "I don't anymore." The other thing Evan had found a lot of when he was googling his relationship with Connor were Buzzfeed quizzes about whether or not you were in love with your best friend. As a rule Evan trusted Buzzfeed quizzes. Buzzfeed had correctly predicted how old he was, what region of the U.S he lived in, and his greatest fear based on his breakfast and favorite desert. Buzzfeed was legit.

"Okay," Connor said, nodding. He pulled a hairband out of his pocket and put up his hair up. Evan liked it when he did that. Then he could see his face better. He looked more open and friendly when his hair was up. He wished other people could see Connor with his hair up. "Okay cool."

Sometimes Connor would come over and they'd sit on Evan's bed while Evan worked on homework. Connor mostly lounged. One time he fell asleep on Evan's shoulder. He tried not to move. Connor's hair was soft on his cheek and his expression was unguarded. He was kind of embarrassed when he woke up, blushing and wiping the drool from his cheek.

"Sorry," he'd muttered.

"No need to be," he replied. "You look like you needed the sleep." Sometimes Connor looked like he didn't take care of himself. He didn't eat enough or sleep enough. Sometimes he messaged him really late at night.

"What, you don't like my eye bags?" He said tauntingly.

"I like your eye bags just fine Con."

Connor grinned. "So we're doing nicknames now Hansen?"

"Oh." Panic. "I um, if that's not okay I won't..."

"C'mon Hansen you're my best friend why wouldn't it be okay?"

"I'm your best friend?" He replied, gaping at him.

"And I'm yours right? Don't tell me Kleinman beat me to it?"

"You're my best friend Connor."

"Good."

Dear Evan Hansen,

You know prom is coming up. Zoe wants me to help her go dress shopping. I'm trying to do better with her. Are you going to go? To prom I mean? It's kind of dumb but you know...anyway.

I told her...what I told you. I'm not going to tell my parents but telling her is something.

Have a good day Hansen.

Sincerely,

Me

***

It was stupid to have a crush on your best friend, especially your almost definitely straight, formally infatuated with your sister, obnoxiously cute best friend.

"What do you think of this one?" Zoe twirled in the light green gown he'd given her to try on. It looked good. Most everything looked good on Zoe.

"I like the other one better."

"He's into you doofus," she said after the 15th time he checked his email on his phone. "Just ask him."

"I can't do that!" He shot back. "What if he says no?" He'd thought about it. He really had. But Connor Murphy was a coward.

"Think about how cute he'd be in a suit. I bet he'd wear a blue tie."

"Shut up Zoe. He's probably straight. He had a thing for you for fuck's sake."

"Connor." She put her hands on her hips. "You don't see the way he looks at you because you're too busy fawning over him. He likes you."

Connor looked down at his hands. He'd chipped off most of his nail polish waiting for Evan to email him back. "I fuck a lot of things up Zo. I'm finally doing something right and I don't want it all to go to shit."

"Connor, you're doing well. You really are. I think you should go for it."

He shrugged. "Shit, he emailed back."

Dear Connor Murphy,

I don't think anyone wants to go to prom with me. You maybe, but not me. Send me a picture of the dress Zoe picks. I bet it'll be beautiful!

Let me know if you want to go for a 7-11 run.

Sincerely,

Me

"That's shorter than the emails he usually sends do you think something's wrong?"

"Ask him out loser," Zoe said. "Just ask him out."

***

It was a routine outing. Connor got an extra large slushee and seemed to be chugging it like there was no tomorrow. Evan was worried he was going to get sick.

"Are you okay?" Connor looked over at him like a deer in the headlights.

"I'm fine," he said too quickly. "I just...uh, could you take me to the forest again? Like we did that one time."

"Sure," he said. "Just don't get cherry puke on my dashboard." Connor stopped his aggressive slurping.

"Sorry Hansen."

The grass was soft and damp. He lied down anyway, shoulder pressed close to Connor's.

"Can I tell you another secret Hansen?"

"Sure Con."

He laughed. "Not fair. You know I love it when you call me that."

"Go ahead, really. I won't tell anyone."

"Okay." He rolled over to look at Evan, hair falling into his eyes. His mouth was still very red. "I want to go to prom."

"Oh," he said. He didn't really want to hear about whatever guy Connor had a thing for. He really didn't.

"There's this guy I like."

"Oh," he repeated dumbly.

"He might be straight but I'm hopeful. He's really sweet and nice to talk to and good at keeping secrets. He's got really pretty eyes and the nicest smile and he's kind of a dork but..."

Evan sat up. He didn't want to hear anymore about Connor's mystery man. His face was burning. Why was he so pissed off? Were those Buzzfeed quizzes right?

Do you get a warm and fuzzy feeling when you spend time with your friend?

Do you get jealous when your friend talks about their crushes?

Do you find yourself daydreaming about your friend?

"Well I'm sure you've got a shot. You'd have to be an idiot to turn you down Connor Murphy."

"Hansen." He looked at him. Connor's face was expectant. "I'm talking about you. I like you."

"Me?" It might've been Evan's imagination but he thought Connor was leaning in. "You want to go to prom with me?"

"If you'll have me."

"Of course I will. I like you a lot Con. I knew Buzzfeed wouldn't lie to me."

Connor laughed. God he had a nice laugh. "I don't know exactly what that means but I think it's good." Now he was definitely leaning in.

"Evan?" God it was nice when Connor said his name.

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to kiss you now if that's okay?"

"It's okay."

Kissing Connor Murphy tasted like cherry and felt like finding a twenty on the sidewalk. Connor put his hand on the back of Evan's neck and pulled him in closer. Evan had always been nervous about kissing. He was scared he'd mess it up and get laughed at, provided that he ever got the chance to kiss anyone. But kissing Connor Murphy was easy. Kissing Connor Murphy felt right.

"So you chug slushees when you're nervous huh?"

"Shut it Hansen."

***

Connor didn't know how to tie a tie so he let his mom do it for him. She was happy he was going and, to quote her "getting involved in something productive." She didn't know he was going with Evan but that was okay, baby steps.

He had his hair pulled back and a bouquet for Evan. It was probably too much. They were sunflowers, his favorites, and he felt exceedingly dumb.

Evan did wear a blue tie. He looked nice. He looked nervous but he looked nice. "I got you flowers," Connor said, holding out the bouquet uselessly. Evan smiled when he took them, which made Connor feel less nervous and more happy to be there picking him up. "Zoe and Alana are in the car. We should probably go."

"Okay," he said. "You look good." Connor didn't think his outfit was anything to write home about. He had a purple tie with nails painted to match and a suit he'd found at the back of his closet that almost didn't fit him. Zoe was definitely the sharper dresser of the Murphy siblings tonight.

"Thanks," he said anyway.

"I'm glad we're doing this."

"Me too."

Zoe and Alana had nothing but nice things to say about Evan in his suit and tie. He blushed and muttered compliments in return. Zoe had glittery eyeshadow and long, mascara-ed lashes, and looked radiant in her green dress. Alana, in orange, was tethered to her side the same way Evan was to him.

It was crowded when they got to the high school. Evan didn't like crowds so Connor took the liberty of holding onto his hand as they made their way over the dance floor and to the punch table. Zoe and Alana were dancing already.

"If you told me last year that I'd be at prom right now I would've said you were crazy," Connor said, not mentioning what they both knew. A year ago he didn't think he'd be alive to see his senior prom.

"Do you want to dance?" Evan asked. They were playing the first of no doubt many slow songs of the evening and Evan pulled him gently in the direction of the swaying bodies. Connor Murphy couldn't really dance. He didn't have much rhythm and he used to step on Zoe's feet when they were forced to dance together at family wedding receptions. He really didn't want to step on Evan's feet.

"I'm not a good dancer Hansen," he says, but allowed himself to be pulled.

"I'll help you," Evan said, looking more self-assured than he'd ever seen him. He put his hand on Connor's waist and shrunk the gap between them. Overhead the lights tilted and twirled pink and purple and gold into Evan's hair. He hadn't paid attention to the prom theme but now he thought it should be the way Evan Hansen's eyed swam and glowed in the cascading colors. Connor apologized when he stepped on Evan's foot but he waved him off. "You're doing fine." Evan leaned his head on his chest. He wondered if he could hear his heart beating through the fabric of his shirt. Knowing Evan, if he could he probably wouldn't say anything about how fast it was drumming in his chest.

When the night was drawing to a close Evan leaned in and muttered something in his ear. "Hey, do you want to go for a 7-11 run?"

They told Zoe and Alana, who had promised to pick them up on the way home, and walked, hand in hand to the dingy convenience store in the poor lighting.

Connor bought them two cherry slushees and they sat on the same curb that began it all and drank them.

"You know I was scared to talk to you that first time. I thought you might beat me up for looking at you the wrong way."

"I get that a lot Hansen," he grinned.

"But my therapist wanted me to practice putting myself out there and taking steps toward getting what I want."

"What did you want that night?" He looked over at him. Evan had his knees pulled to his chest and was chewing absently on the slushee straw. It was an odd picture: two boys in suits looking lost but feeling found.

"A friend," he said. "I always wanted a friend like you. You're a really good friend Connor Murphy."

"So are you Evan Hansen."

"Although I don't think most friends kiss."

"Do you not like the kissing?"

"N-no, I like the kissing. Especially when you're mouth's all red like that."

"Yeah?" He quirked up an eyebrow. "Are you asking for a kiss Evan?"

"No," Evan leaned in. Connor wondered how this dork could surprise him. It was better when Evan was the one kissing him. He took his face in his hands and Connor nearly swooned.

"I didn't like cherry before you."

Connor grinned. He thought he might never stop.

[whatamidoinggg]

Pining Tree Bros Pt. 3 (Connor Lives Au)

-Zoe leaves Connor and is like “Go get him tiger!” With a smirk and leaves -And Connor is like "what the fucking does that mean WHERE ARE YOU GOING" -Jared dropped off Evan a couple minutes beforehand (Jared and Zoe know what's up and they be schemin') -Connor goes to the feild, annoyed and confused but then he sees Evan -And Evan sees him and they are both equally shocked -At first Connor is like "maybe I should just go run and hide I can't handle this" -But then Evan gives him this sheepish little smile when he sees him -and Evan says his name, like Connor is his saving grace, and Evan realizes how much he missed him -Evan doesn’t even realize how much Connor is affected by him just in that moment -because from Connor’s viewpoint, Evan is glowing around the edges from the sunlight behind him, smiling and saying his name like a fucking angel and Connor is w e a k So Connor finds himself walking over to him and he's sure his cheeks are red -Evan apologizes for avoiding him and Connor is a little confused and upset about it but accepts his apology, but only if Evan will tell him what was wrong -Evan starts fidgeting and he takes a huge breath and says that he thought it’d be better that way -Connor is like “that’s fucking ridiculous Evan, do you know how miserable I was without you???” -And Evan is kinda teary eyed and he looks at the ground and says “I screwed up Connor.” “What do you mean?” “I fell for you. I am really, horribly in love with you and at first I thought I could ignore it but I can’t and now I’ve screwed everything up, I’m sorry-” -Tears are rolling down his cheeks silently and he’s waiting for Connor to be disgusted with him -But all Connor does is walk up to him and brush away the tears from his cheeks, looking at him with a soft expression - “Evan, you’re so blind.” Connor sighs but he knows he's the same. -Connor hugs him and let's Evan calm down, holding him close and letting Evan cling to his holding and bury his face in his shoulder -this tree nerd actually thought it was possible that Connor didn’t like him back and would hate him -When really, Connor always felt like he could never be with Evan because he wasn’t good enough -Evan was so /good/ and Connor just..wasn’t -But maybe they’re both blind, he realizes -Because he’s in love with Evan Hansen and Evan Hansen loves him -Evan stops crying and Connor tilts his chin up with an arm still around his waist -"I love you too." -And Connor kisses him, soft and warm -"If I had known this would be your reaction, I would have confessed sooner", Evan smiles slightly -They are going to be the best boyfriends, Connor is so fucking ready to hold his hand and cuddle and make sure everyone know that Evan Hansen is his -Evan is really super happy, cheeks flushed and he can't stop smiling at Connor -(and Jared and Zoe are definitely filming them from behind a tree)

[ramajmedia]

Angel: 5 Best Couples (And 5 Worst) | ScreenRant

Spinning out of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel ran on The WB from 1999-2004. The series aired for five seasons before being unceremoniously canceled. Angel followed the titular vampire with a soul (David Boreanaz) as he moved on from both Sunnydale and Buffy, setting up shop as a paranormal private investigator in Los Angeles. Aided by his ever-expanding rag-tag group of companions, Angel began to “help the helpless”.

Although Buffy and Angel are a love story for the ages and the slayer did appear multiple times on the spinoff series, that romance really belongs on a Buffy the Vampire Slayer list. Let's look back at the romances that were central to Angel.

10 Worst - Cordelia and Angel

This has nothing to do with the beautiful friendship built up between these two over the course of several seasons. That was a vital component of the series, one that was ruined when the writers decided to give them romantic feelings towards one another.

RELATED: Angel: 10 Storylines That Were Never Resolved

Charisma Carpenter and Boreanaz had plenty of chemistry as friends, but putting Cordelia and Angel together in this way always felt awkward. It also undermines the intelligence of the audience to assume that we can’t appreciate a layered and complex friendship between a man and a woman. Carpenter’s real-life pregnancy inadvertently wound up throwing a wrench in those gears anyway, but these two were always better as friends.

9 Best - Fred and Wesley

Fred and Gunn may have been adorable, but Wesley and Fred were Angel's best couple. Fans watched the former watcher pine silently for Fred, even as she was looking everywhere but at him. When the sparks finally started flying between these two, it was just as perfect as viewers knew it would be. However, in typical Joss Whedon fashion, they got together just in time for one of them to die.

Fred and Wesley understood each other in a way that no one else really understood either of them. Even after Fred’s tragic death, Amy Acker remained on the show as the ancient being responsible for her demise. Illyria fell for Wes and though he could never return her affections, their dynamic was one of the best aspects of season 5's final episodes.

8 Worst - Cordelia and Connor

This abomination never should’ve happened. It’s no one’s fault that Carpenter got pregnant during season 4 and the writers had to scramble to write around it. However, this poor narrative decision was obviously someone’s mistake. It’s not only gross because Cordy held Connor as baby, but also, there were no sparks between Vincent Kartheiser and Carpenter.

RELATED: Angel Characters Sorted Into Their Hogwarts Houses

In the end, this was just another way to keep Angel and Cordelia apart. Yes, we know that it wasn’t really Cordy at the wheel here, meaning this romance was kind of between Jasmine and Connor. Either way, this relationship was just icky and wasted the arcs of both characters.

7 Best - Darla and Angelus

This relationship was introduced in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but it was Angel that really expanded on it. These two really did have an epic romance that spanned literal centuries. Angelus and Darla may not have been quite as much fun as Spike and Dru, but fans loved seeing them together.

Angel was never truly in love with Darla the way that the demon trapped inside him was, but the season 2 arc in which he struggled in vain to save her was one of the show’s best stories. Also, there’s no denying the chemistry between Julie Benz and David Boreanaz.

6 Worst - Cordelia and Groo

This relationship started out really sweet but it probably should’ve stayed in Pylea. Cordelia lived out her very own fairytale romance but it was once her prince came looking for her that the trouble really began. The Groosalugg, better known as Groo, worshipped the ground Cordy walked on and even traversed dimensions to get to her.

RELATED: Angel: 5 Best Episodes (And 5 Worst)

They were happy for a few precious episodes but Cordelia quickly threw him aside in favor of being there for Angel. To be fair, the vampire had a lot going on. Viewers never really got invested in this relationship, because by this point it had become apparent that the writers were intent on shoehorning in a romance between Angel and Cordelia. So, it was kind of hard to root for this couple.

5 Best - Wesley and Lilah

We know that this relationship could not be even remotely construed as healthy, but it was so much fun to watch it unfold. Wesley really got the best character arc out of everyone on Angel and a lot of those exciting developments began during this romance. Aside from that, Stephanie Romanov and Alexis Denisoff were perfect in their scenes together.

Obviously, Lilah and Wesley were never the endgame here. However, she proved a lifeline for him when he’d lost everything. Lilah was always a great villain, but her relationship with Wes was the one thing that actually humanized her. Their time together may have been a tangled web of lies, but their feelings for each other were certainly real.

4 Worst - Angel and Nina

This is about wasted potential more than anything else. Due to Angel’s cancellation, fans never got to see how this relationship would play out. The fact that Nina was a werewolf did help her to better understand the monster within Angel.

RELATED: Angel: 10 Times The Show Broke Our Hearts

This romance does get points for one thing though: proving that Angel could have sex without losing his soul. The entire series had held fast to the ridiculous notion that the vampire couldn’t be intimate with anyone on account of his tortured soul. This idea diminished his love for Buffy and also assumed that “perfect happiness” was possible to attain with anyone. It’s great that Angel finally got a fling, but this was no epic love story.

3 Best - Fred and Gunn

Fred and Wesley may be Angel’s OTP, but Fred and Gunn were absolutely adorable. When Fred joined up with Angel Investigations, everyone assumed she’d go for Wesley, but it was Charles Gunn that quickly stole her heart. Their courtship was so sweet and the relationship between them was actually one of the healthiest ever seen on the show.

The problem was that Fred and Gunn simply couldn’t weather the storms that came their way. Things got hard and they crumbled under the pressure, which was fine since it left Fred to pursue a romance with Wesley. Even though they didn’t last, these two were still a great couple.

2 Worst - Lindsey and Eve

No one was ever supposed to root for these two, but the Buffyverse has proven on more than one occasion that fans can fall in love with villainous couples too. Bringing Lindsey back in season 5 was a great plot twist and Eve was a fine character on her own. Together though, there was little to love here.

Lindsey and Eve were fine and all, but certainly one of the show’s weaker pairings. Ultimately, they were cooler characters apart than they were together. To be fair, their romance was never a focal point of the series, though previous Big Bads definitely outshone them.

1 Best - Cordelia and Doyle

Doyle’s death was a total shock to viewers. The show wasn’t even halfway through season 1 when the half-demon sacrificed himself in an undeniably heroic moment. Because of this, we’ll never really know what a real romance between Cordy and Doyle would've looked like. That doesn't mean we can't dream.

There was undeniable onscreen heat between Carpenter and the late Glenn Quinn, and fans were rooting for them to become a couple from the start. Doyle was into Cordy since the day they met and who could blame him? Unfortunately, it took her a while to warm up to the idea. Once again, this is a Joss Whedon show, so once Cordy finally realized that she could have feelings for Doyle, it was too late.

NEXT: Buffy The Vampire Slayer: 5 Best Friendships (& 5 Worst)

source https://screenrant.com/angel-best-and-worst-couples/

[ris-kan]

No One Can Know

Chapter Four

When Saturday rolls around I remember that I'm supposed to hang out with Mitch. I guess I should bring Connor too. Maybe I can ask him if we can go without Kat!

Me: Hey Connor, doing anything tomorrow?

❤️Connor❤️: nope, wanna hang?

Me: yah, maybe without Kat?

❤️Connor❤️: Sure, it's been a while since we've been able to hang out alone

    I immediately feel a longing for time with just us two. To just hang out and talk about stuff. Ever since he got together with Kat, we haven't hung out much alone. I think of telling Mitch that I have family things, but figure I can just ask Connor again some other time.

Me: There's some kid down the street who just moved it. He seems cool and I told him he could hang with some of my friends b4 Monday

    ❤️Connor❤️: Yah, movies?

    Once again, I wish I hadn't told him Mitch exists. I really want to be alone in the dark of a theater with him, even if nothing happens. But too late, now Mitch is coming too. And with Connor being as irresistible as he is, Mitch will probably fall for him too.

Me: movies sound great! C u with Mitch at 2?

    ❤️Connor❤️: Mitch is the other kid?

    Me: Yep

    ❤️Connor❤️: 👌 C u guys then

     I really hope Mitch has a boyfriend or doesn't find Connor as adorable as I do. It's hard enough being a boy liking a boy, I don't need another boy liking him too. I figure I should text Mitch too to tell him our plans.

Me: Hey Mitch, it's Ray. My friend Connor and I were thinking movies tmr at 2. Is that ok?

    Mitch: Hey Ray! That sounds good! Just 3 people?

    Me: yep, his GF really sucks so she's not coming and the rest of our friends r busy.

    Mitch: k, that's fine by me! C u tmr then!

    Me: c u tmr

    Not knowing what else to do with the day, I decided to take my dog out for a walk through the woods. My mom is still sleeping, plus the dog he loves chasing squirrels.

    "Dax!" I whistle, and my huge German Shepard comes running up to my room. "Hi, buddy! Let's go run around, ok?" I go downstairs with him on my heels. I grab his leash, but he's already trying to open the door, so I just slip it into my pocket. I take a bag of treats and open the door as he goes sprinting out. We start to walk through the woods, me just following him as he barks at every sign of movement. Then, he suddenly takes off into the trees, barking super loudly.

    "Dax?! Where are you going?!" I yell after him while running in his direction. I see him run up to someone and I sprint towards him. "Daxon! What are you doing!" Then I see the person is Mitch, and I blush because since my huge dog just trampled him. "Oh, sorry..." I say. "Dax, if you keep doing that I'm going to put your leash on!" But he's not listening, he's more intrigued by the leaves on the ground.

    "Haha, it's fine. We used to have a Great Dane, so I'm used to big dogs." He scratches Dax's ears, and Dax licks his face. It makes Mitch giggle, which makes me smile. "Oh, by the way, you know how to get back from here, right?"

    "Oh my gosh, are you lost," I tease and he blushes. "Haha, yeah I can get us back." He smiles and starts to climb a tree. I'm about to follow him up when I remember Dax. "Dax!" He looks over at me. "Stay here, ok?" He sits on the ground and pushes around the leaves. I climb up the tree, much less gracefully than Mitch did. He laughs when I slide back down and watching watches me while I try to get back up to him.

    "How long have you lived here?" He asks.

    "6 years. I don't usually climb trees, that's why that was so bad." He helps to pull me up onto the branch he's sitting on, and we watch Dax bark at everything. I feel the silence building tension, so I decide to pull a trick on him. "Catch!" I yell as I let myself fall off the branch. Mitch screams and looks horrified, and I watch Dax run under me just before I hit the ground. I land on his back like I'm riding a horse, and give him a treat.

    "Oh my god dude, don't ever do that again!" Mitch yells down to me.

    "Wanna try?" I ask him. He looks over at Dax who's happily eating his treat and shakes his head.

    "I'll just climb down," he tells me as he makes his way to the ground. "Hey, want to race?" He looks eager, so I agree. "Here to the tree down there." He points to a big tree in the distance and Dax runs towards it. It makes him laugh at my silly dog. "Loser gets to buy the winner lunch!"

    "You're on! Ready, set, go!" We take off towards the tree. Even though we both are extremely determined to win, we smile goofily at each other the whole time. My shirt flies up as I run, but I don't bother to pull it back down like I would with Connor. I see Mitch look over at me, and he trips over a pine cone and falls. I slow down to help him, and he stands up like he's hurt. I start towards him and then he sprints off with a lead over me.

"Tricked you!" He taunts with a smile on his face. He gets to the tree just half a second before I do, both of us panting. "Hah, you owe me lunch!"

"Not fair! You cheated!" He bites his bottom lip, and it makes him look totally adorable.

"No one made a rule against that!" He smirks at me and it sends jitters through my body. I roll my eyes with a smile on my face.

    His calmness makes me feel like I could tell him. He's gay too so he would understand. Then I remember what happened last time. Plus, I just met this kid a few days ago! How could I trust him with my biggest secret?

    "What are you thinking about?" He asks. I realize I've been staring into space for a little too long...

    "Umm, nothing! Why would you think I'm thinking about anything?!" I answer quickly.

    "Sure. Tell me if you want to talk, ok?" He says this like he knows.

    "What would I talk about? There's nothing to talk about!" I feel like running off and hiding, but I remember Mitch doesn't know the way back.

    "Dude, I know you're gay." I get panicked when he says this. How could he know?! Is it that obvious?

    "What?"

    "I'm not going to judge you, it's ok. And I won't tell anyone, I swear. You can deny it all you want but..."

    "Umm, I've got to get going. I just remembered I have to do, umm, stuff." I start to run off with Dax following, thinking he can find his way out, or use a GPS or something.

    "Wait, Ray! Don't go! It's ok! I swear, it won't change anything!" He starts to run after me, and I run faster, wiping tears from my eyes before they form. But he's faster than I am and catches up to me soon he catches up to me. He puts his hand on my shoulder and turns me around. I look down and avoid eye contact so he won't see my tearing eyes.

    "Ray, it's ok. I'm here for you, man. Plus, you're my only way out of these woods." I twist out of his grasp and walk out slowly. He doesn't say anything for most of the way back, but when my teary eyes turn more into slow sobs he takes my hand and squeezes it. I don't pull away but I it makes me cry harder, so he stops and sits me down. As my eyes become waterfalls he puts his arms around me and lets me cry into his shoulder. We sit there until I start to calm down, and with Dax in my lap and Mitch by my side, I felt safer and more at home than I have since Dad left. Safer than I have in 6 years. And maybe safer than I will ever feel again.

[machihunnicutt]

Not Selfish

Chapter 2

(Or read on ao3.)

Evan read the Wikipedia page three times in his bed that night. He knew he needed to fall asleep but he couldn't. When Connor had talked about his polyamorous friend he hadn't made it sound weird or bad and neither did the Internet (for the most part at least.) And the more he thought about that the more he thought about kissing Jared and Connor and the more he thought about kissing them the hotter his face felt and harder it was to close his eyes. He got up to get some water, tiptoeing across the wood floor.

To his surprise the light in the kitchen was still on.

"Jared? What are you doing up it's almost 3 am."

Jared turned to look at him. His face was open in a way it wasn't usually and it took him a moment to clear the emotion from his features. "Hey Ev," he said sharply. "I'm uh...I'm making ramen and a microwave mug cake."

"Oh." Shitty microwave food at three in the morning meant Jared was upset. "Can I join you?" Evan took a seat at the kitchen table.

"Sure," Jared said, wiping his nose discreetly on the back of his hand. "Do you want some ramen and/or cake?"

"I could go for some cake." Jared flicked on the radio to the oldies station and the gentle hum of some 50s slow song filtered in. He put the mug between them and started in on his ramen.

"Are you okay? You're eating your sad food."

Jared blushed and spooned some more of the ramen into his mouth. "It's nothing. I just can't sleep."

"Me too," he muttered. "Hey um..." oh God why was he so nervous. "C-Connor mentioned his um...his p-polyamorous friend today. I d-didn't know that was a thing."

Jared raised an eyebrow but remained silent so he continued. "W-what do you uh what do you think about that?"

Jared cocked his head to one side in confusion. "What do I think about polyamory?"

"I'm s-sorry that's a dumb question I shouldn't have..."

"I think that it it makes you happy go for it. You being a general you not you specifically...not that I'm excluding you. You can do whatever you want."

Evan bit his lip. "Do you think you'd ever be into it?"

"Me?" Jared's eyes widened and Evan wanted to crawl under a rock. "Oh, c'mon Evan there's no way one guy would be interested in me, let alone two."

"That's not true."

"Evan you don't have to lie to me just because I look and feel like shit."

"So there is something wrong?"

Jared winced.

"And I'm not lying. And you don't look like shit. You n-never look like shit."

Jared looked down at his ramen again and stuffed another spoonful in his mouth. Evan tried a bite of the mug cake and tried to keep his heart from beating out of his chest. It was a stupid, reckless thing to ask but he was glad he'd asked it.

"Do you wanna talk about what's bothering you?"

Jared shook his head. "I'm sorry Ev I'm just being a baby." He ran a hand through his hair and Evan frowned.

"You know you can talk to me about anything right?"

"I know. Thanks Ev." Jared still looked sad. He hated that he was sad. The radio continued its melancholy sputtering of old love songs.

"Do you want to dance?"

"Dance?" Jared nearly choked on his ramen.

"W-we don't have to I j-just thought.."

"Fuck yeah Evan," he said quietly, almost a whisper, that didn't fit with the words.

Jared's hand was gentle on his waist. They swayed close together. Evan was nervous that his hand was sweaty but Jared hadn't said anything about it so they just kept swaying.

"Thanks Evan," Jared muttered, and he could feel his breath on his neck.

When the song ended and they broke apart Evan didn't step back right away. His eyes fell to Jared's lips like some lovestruck idiot.

"I should probably go to bed," he said softly.

"Right, me too."

"Goodnight Ev."

"Goodnight Jared." *** "I need you to put that down and then tell me what exactly you think you're doing."

Connor put down the bottle of glitter nail polish he'd stolen from Zoe's room and sighed exaggeratedly. "I painted them black like I usually do but something seemed wrong so I took the black off and tried green but then I forgot it wasn't dry and tried eating chips and messed them up. So I went for it a third time but I was kind of tired and distracted so now I have this." He held up his mangled nails: glitter on some, a mishmash of uncoordinated colors and smudges.

"I love you bro, but you only go nail crazy when there's something wrong. You took your meds this morning right?" Zoe asked, taking a seat across from him and reaching out to wipe the wet polish from his nails. "And don't take my glitter again this shit is expensive."

"Yeah I took my meds. And I'm fine. I just..." he trailed off. Zoe's worry sometimes made him feel guilty. Connor was used to feeling guilty (it was one of his few emotions that included anger, worthlessness, and pining.)

"It's just that I saw Hansen for the first time in a while yesterday."

She finished his nails and selected a deep indigo to redo them. "And that's bad because...?"

"It's not bad it's just that every time I've tried to get together with him before he has always had a date. Evan has a new date every week now."

"Our Evan?" She said, taken aback.

"Yeah...yesterday I remembered how much I missed him."

"And I assume you're also hella jealous?"

He scowled at her. "You could say that yeah but don't tell anyone."

She nodded sympathetically. "All these dates and he hasn't asked you out yet?"

Connor shrugged, eyes on the silver glitter she was now applying. His nails looked like tiny galaxies with glittering stars. "Maybe he just doesn't like me."

"Bullshit."

"He'll probably just ask Kleinman," he muttered.

She frowned. "Do you think Evan likes Jared?"

"It's more likely than him liking me." And Kleinman's not broken like I am, he didn't add. "In any case he's not dating either of us."

Zoe crossed her legs and pulled her hair into a ponytail at the top of her head. He thought she looked more authoritarian with her hair pulled out of her face. Maybe he did too. "You know I hit on a bunch of people before Alana and I started going out. I just wanted to make her jealous."

"I don't think he's doing that."

She sighed. "Look, obviously I don't know the whole situation but I do know you. And you always sell yourself short." He looked up at her. "It's not ridiculous for him to like you. You're very likable Con."

"Thanks," he muttered.

"You're very welcome. Do you want me to do your toes?"

From then on Connor spent more time at Evan and Jared's place, regardless of Evan's dates. When Evan wasn't around he just hung out with Jared. Which wasn't the worst thing in the world he soon realized. He'd actually started texting him more often too. And sometimes they got together for real, and not just to complain about being stuck without Evan.

"So when did you realize you had feelings for him?"

"Why so you can establish your right to call dibs?"

"Connor Murphy, he is a human being I can't call dibs on a human being I'm ashamed of you. Regardless I think we need to establish a timeline."

Connor laughed at the mock seriousness of Jared's expression. They were sitting at opposite sides of the couch, feet tangled together in the center cushion. Connor was doodling while Jared played some video game he hadn't caught the name of. After awhile he had paused it.

"Um...it was senior year. It's kind of stupid to say out loud because it was just this uh...this dumb little moment in high school. He knew I was having a bad day and he was giving me a ride so we could hang out at his place and he just pulled into the drive through at McDonalds and got me fries and ice cream and uh...I'd never really had someone who knew when I felt like shit and went out of their way to make me feel better. And when he handed me my fries and told me he was proud of me for getting through the day I just knew that I liked him."

Jared nodded slowly and Connor felt their feet tangle further, Connor barefoot with his toenails painted and Jared in his thick striped socks.

"How about you?" He asked when Jared didn't say anything.

Jared grinned. "Sophomore year. He climbed the tree in my back yard and when he got to the top he just laughed his head off like an idiot. I was on the ground still and I just remember looking up at him and thinking that I could look at him forever."

"Damn that's really gay."

Jared cackled. "Like you're one to talk." *** Okay so he'd be lying if he said he still didn't like Connor Murphy. He was growing on him: the way he took his coffee black next to Evan's mess of sugar and creamer, his eyes that looked intense even when he was tired or stoned, his soft stories about Evan and drive through fries and about the way loneliness ate at him sometimes. Only Connor didn't say the last thing lightly. Conversations about feelings happened when Evan was on a date and they both felt bitter and cracked open at their chests and knees and ankles. Connor would talk about the scars on his wrists and the lies his brain told him. Jared wasn't so forthcoming. He guessed, when he thought about it, he was used to bottling things up.

"I mean I don't tell my parents much. When I need to say something I know they don't want to hear I just lie."

"I guess I like pissing off my parents," he said. He was cooking a strange mess of eggs in one of Jared's frying pans. Connor Murphy tended to help himself in their kitchen. Although this time he was making food for the both of them. "That dude Evan's out with looks like he belongs in a fucking Wes Anderson movie."

"Yeah and you look like a Twilight extra but I don't say anything about it."

"You're so funny Kleinman," he replied in monotone. "Here, have some eggs a la Murphy." He put the mess of broken yolks and pepper speckled egg bits in front of him before dousing the mess in hot sauce.

"Thank you? I hope you're not trying to poison me Murphy."

Connor rolled his eyes and leaned his elbows on the counter. It was kind of late for eggs. It was nearly 10 and Evan wasn't back from his date yet. "I used to cook random food when I got really depressed. It was all shit and I usually burned something but it kept me from..." he trailed off, fingering the scars on his wrists. "I don't anymore because food's not cheap and my roommates would probably kill me if I set off the fire alarm."

"What do you do instead?" Jared asked, prodding at the eggs with his fork.

"I sound proofed my room so sometimes I just go in there and scream my head off. Or I talk to Evan. Or I bother you."

Jared looked up at him, meeting Connor's self-conscious gaze. "I kind of don't hate you Kleinman."

"Thanks. I don't hate you either." This felt like something. He didn't know what that something was but it seemed important. "And you aren't bothering me," he blurted before the moment was gone. "I don't make friends very easily and it's nice to have...God, I sound like Ev. I'm not trying to make a big deal out of it or anything. It's just nice not to be alone."

"Yeah," he said. "You don't have to eat the eggs just because we're bonding or whatever."

"Oh thank God." *** The more he saw them hang out together the more he thought he should stop being a coward and just ask. Ideally it would be a light, no pressure kind of inquiry, but every time he pictured himself doing it went more like "HI JARED HI CONNOR I LIKE BOTH OF YOU CAN WE ALL GO OUT TOGETHER?" Shouted incomprehensibly in the kitchen or living room or God forbid out in public.

He was having trouble sleeping again. When he wasn't worried about his sexuality he was worried about school. Finals were fast approaching and several of his professors had opted for group projects instead of exams. His groups tended to push all of the work on to him when they realized he was a good student and too quiet to protest. Evan was better at talking to people now but he was still nervous about confrontation. He was getting kind of weighted down and stuck between a rock and a hard place because he didn't want to upset his group members and he also didn't want to have a breakdown. He was walking home from the library and thinking about how much work he had to do and how lonely and weak he felt. It was getting cold. It might even snow tomorrow and his feet were freezing in his worn out boots. Maybe if he started crying his tears would freeze on his face.

"Jared?" When he opened the door he was wrapped up in warmth and the scent of tomato sauce and he could hear crackling from the kitchen. "I'm home. What are you doing...oh."

Jared and Connor were grinning and laughing at each other, both had aprons on and Connor had flour in his hair. "Hansen! You're home," Connor exclaimed when he noticed Evan standing there.

"You're here," Evan replied.

"Evan we're making homemade pasta," Jared explained as Evan stood numbly in the doorway. "We thought you could use a nice dinner but this idiot didn't bring a pasta maker and so it looks kinda fucked up but I think it'll cook alright."

"Are you okay?" Connor asked when Evan remained speechless. His happy expression from a moment earlier faded a bit and Evan felt guilty. He ruined everything didn't he? He was just a big, broken third wheel.

"I'm fine," he said, but his voice cracked pitifully.

"Oh Ev, what's wrong?" Jared put down the spatula he was holding and then Evan started sobbing. He'd tried to hold it in all day but now, seeing two of his favorite people doing something nice for him on a day that wanted to kick him when he was down, was more than he could handle.

Then Jared's arms were around him and he was shaking like a leaf and stuttering out apologies like he was in high school. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry this is so nice I ruin everything and I'm awful so..."

"You're not awful," Connor said. Jared pulled back and rubbed Evan's shoulders while he tried to calm his breathing."What happened Hansen?"

"Nothing," he choked. He suddenly felt hot and panicky. "It's nothing you guys I'm just a l-little overwhelmed s-sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Connor said.

"Hey," Jared said. He cupped Evan's face in his hands. "You know you can tell me anything too."

"I-I um..." he trailed off, blushing furiously, eyes still blurry from the tears. Connor cleared his throat and Jared quickly took his hands off Evan's face.

"Let's have pasta," Jared said and then backed up (into Connor accidentally which was awkward for a second and involved Connor's hands fumbling on Jared's arms.)

The rest of the night was better than breaking down in his kitchen. The pasta noodles were misshapen but surprisingly excellent. After they ate Jared put on The Office and the three of them curled up on the couch with Evan in the middle. Jared had the dorkiest laugh and Connor leaned his head on his shoulder in a way that grounded him. He liked them so much.

"Call me if you want to talk," Connor said when he walked him out. "I'm always here."

"What did I do to deserve you?"

Connor laughed. "I'm a mess and we both know it."

"I think you're great."

"You know you don't ruin anything right?"

Evan shrugged. It was cold and he hadn't bothered to put his coat back on. Connor was wearing the scarf he'd knitted him and his face was pink from the cold.

"You don't Hansen. You're my best friend."

"You're my best friend too."

Connor smiled. "See you Hansen. Tell Kleinman I said bye."

"Yeah...okay."

Evan went back inside and helped Jared clean up the dishes. "You guys seem c-close now."

"Yeah," he replied. "Murphy's not a total asshole."

"I liked the pasta."

"Well don't get used to it nerd." He wiped his hands on a dish towel. "Goodnight Ev."

"Night." He'd wanted to say more. He'd wanted to ask him, in a jealous and insecure way, if he liked Connor more than he was letting on.

Who was he kidding? Including him would be too much work. If they liked each other he'd be happy for them. He repeated this in his head so he wouldn't forget it.

Happy for them. Happy for them. Happy for them.

He didn't have time to worry about this. He had class and projects and strangers to date so his head didn't explode. If there was one thing Evan Hansen was good at it was evasion. *** Jared liked it when it snowed. He liked the way it blanketed the trees and turned to slush by the roadside. He liked walking in it with a cup of coffee in hand. Everything seemed stiller on nights when it snowed. It was like the night was holding its breath. Everything felt fresh and expectant and important.

He didn't expect to see Connor Murphy on his porch swing when he got home. It was late. He'd been doing some studying of his own away from the distractions of the house (which often included Connor Murphy.)

"What are you doing here? You must be fucking freezing."

Connor looked up from his hunched position. He had snow in his hair and eyelashes. He'd been crying or smoking it was hard to tell. "I was going to surprise him. But uh...after an hour I texted him to try to figure out where he was and..."

"Evan's on another date. He's got an endless supply of phone numbers apparently."

Connor laughed bitterly and tossed the bag of jolly ranchers he had in Jared's direction. "I got him his favorite," he croaked. "What the fuck am I still doing here Kleinman? Do you know?"

"Come inside. We can..."

"I don't want to come inside." He bared his teeth and spoke in a low growl.

Jared took off his scarf and wrapped it around Connor's bare neck. "Fine then. I'll stay out here with you until you do. He sat down. Connor was shaking. His hair covered his face and Jared could tell he was trying to hide his tears the same way Jared had that night at the party.

"I keep trying to tell myself that he's not worth all this. That I don't know...that he's a bad person or whatever but he's not. He's not seeing other people to hurt me or some shit. He just doesn't like me. He just...I just don't deserve someone like him." His voice sounded so broken that for a moment Jared hated Evan. He hated him even though Connor was right and he wasn't doing anything wrong.

"You do deserve someone like Evan."

"You don't have to lie to me Kleinman I'm not a fucking kid."

"You do!" He repeated and it was too loud and echoed in the icy streets, sound tangling with the amber glow from the street lamps. Connor looked up. Jared had realized they had the same weird eyes years ago but he didn't think he'd ever really looked at them. He didn't think he'd looked at the freckles on Connor's nose before either, or the mystery bruise on his right cheekbone he claimed he woke up with and didn't remember how he'd acquired. There was snot on his face and his eyes were red.

Jared had learned that Connor Murphy's default tended to be anger. He yelled. And his tears were more often angry than sad.

Connor drew in a long breath. The anger faded from his face into something more tired and vulnerable. "Why doesn't he like me?" He said.

Maybe they were more alike than he realized. Maybe Connor could understand him the way he understood Evan.

Jared leaned in fractionally, involuntarily and then stopped, rational part of his brain urging him to pause. You don't just do things. You think, you plan, you engineer your image so people can't see all the ways you fall short. For once the irrational and reckless and unconscious won. He leaned in the rest of the way and kissed him. He kissed Connor Murphy and he tasted like smoke and salt and felt impossibly warm.

What are you doing?

He drew back, apologies on his lips. "I shouldn't have done that. You're obviously in a bad place and it's fucked up to take advantage of..."

Connor cut him off by kissing him back, long and drawn out and hot and mutual and hungry in a way he didn't expect. Because it was just him. It wasn't someone kind and sweet like Evan or hot and edgy like Connor it was just him: not that nice or attractive or confident. It was just him and yet Connor's hands were on the back of his neck, pulling him closer. They broke apart for air.

A loud smacking sound pulled their eyes off of each other. Connor reacted first.

"Fuck! Hansen are you okay?" Evan was lying on his back in the driveway, facing away from them as if he'd been in the process of turning around to go back the way he'd come when he slipped.

Connor reacted first but Jared was the first to stand up. He could feel his heart in his throat. Beside him Connor was breathless, his lips very red even in the dark. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. He hated the snow. Shit like this only happened when it snowed.

He ran off the porch and into the driveway, more careful with his steps now. Evan still hadn't said anything. He was covering his face with his hands.

"Ev you're going to have to say something because you're scaring the shit out of me."

It was quiet in his head despite the fact that Connor was yelling something from the yard and a car was driving by. It was quiet and then Evan spoke and it wasn't anymore.

He uncovered his face and looked up at him with a horrified and supremely embarrassed expression. "I'm really sorry."