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covermeinclouds · 4 years

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Kill Your Darlings (2013)

DISCLAIMER: This is not a review. I am in no way a professional at all to do a movie review. I am not a critic at all. The only reason why I’m doing this is because I used to talk to my dad a lot about movies. I can’t do that anymore. This is literally just my reactions watching the movie.

I only found this movie from a tiktok about Dark Academia movies. I’ve seen stills and gifs of Daniel Radcliffe looking like that in a bunch of fan made videos of The Cursed Child. I’ve always wondered which movie they got it from. So I freaked out when I found it.

I didn’t expect anything at all. Cause I don’t usually watch trailers online or see reviews cause I like blind reacting to them.

(This is not in order)

This movie hit different. The pace was so quick I could already tell it was originally a book. (I noticed that movie adaptations of books usually run faster than most movies)

I loved the friendship that grew between the two. Lucien and Allen. They were honestly just a bunch of teenagers who wanted to break the stigma. Like every teenager in that era. Or every era.

Lucien being what Allen wanted to be.

Dane DeHaan sounding like Logan Lerman in Perks of Being a Wallflower with his American accent

The undeniable chemistry between the two. FROM THE MOMENT THEY MET I KNEW A ROMANCE WAS STIRRING UP.

THE CLOTHES. THE OUTFITS. OH GOD, THE OUTFITS.

Lucien and Allen trying to hang themselves. - why ???? is this what teenage boys do? the intellectuals, I guess. Bothered me a bit.

Allen taking drugs for the first time. Any movie with first time takers are always great. THAT SCENE WHERE EVERYONE JUST PAUSES AND THEY CAN CONTROL WHAT THE OTHERS DO. Yes, folks, that’s exactly what drugs do.

The fucking bond. THE FUCKING BOND. Tolkien (2019)??? Dead Poets Society (1989)????? The only way I like men is when they love each other and show it without any strand of hatred. Of course, they have to be intellectuals, do they?

Was Allen jealous of Jack cause he was Lucien’s ‘new favorite’??? What was up with that anyway?

But-ah-we really do realize it by the end how fucked up Lucien was, right? Not in a bad way. He really was fucked and just wanted security and love, really.

Which is why he couldn’t get away from David.

David was an old man pining on a young fucking boy??? WHAT THE FUCK. HOW FUCKED UP WAS THAT???? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? FUCKING FOLLOW HIM EVERY WHERE HE WENT? GAVE HIM A FUCKED UP IDEA OF LOVE RIGHT AFTER HIS DAD LEFT HIM? COME ON.

But I do hate how homophobia was so common in the times. We live in better times now, of course. It still isn’t perfect. But god, are you fucking kidding me???? FUCK HOMOPHOBIA GOD FUCKING DAMMIT HOW IS IT JUST MANSLAUGHTER IF THE MURDERER IS ALSO HOMOESEXUAL AND CHANGES IF HE ISNT WHAT THE FUCK

of course, the ending line was really nice. “Another lover hits the universe. The circle is broken. But with death comes rebirth. And like all lovers and sad people, I am a poet.” that made me cry

that’s it. i suck. but that’s why you’re still reading this.

#mvr

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catsbrak · 7 years

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and they were roommates.

(reddie, risqué content, internalized homophobia(?)) the roommate reddie AU that literally no one asked for! (based on a true reddit post!)

it turns out I don't have any problem with Eddie kissing guys if it's me he's kissing.

'Hey, reddit! got a bit of a question for ya. I’m a little stumped. see, I’ve always thought of myself as an accepting person. That’s why I didn’t care when my roommate, I’ll refer to him as Eddie, told me that he was gay. Or I thought I didn’t care.'

He and Eddie Kaspbrak had been roommates for three or four months now. When Eddie first told Richie that he was gay, he really didn’t care. He tried to be supportive, even. He considered himself a very accepting person, always had been. He hadn’t exactly been cool in high school - and thanks to that, he spent time with a lot of kids who didn’t quite fit in, for one reason or another. And being gay was something Eddie was mocked for, but it never bothered Richie at first. Sometimes, they even flirted a little. Eddie had told him it wasn’t unusual for him to flirt with a straight guy, so nothing about it was weird.

They played video games, they laughed, and Eddie was so witty. He had a comeback for everything. He also thought that Richie’s voices were funny, it was incredible. He even let out the adorable little giggle every time Richie would call him ‘Eddie Spaghetti’. Everything was just fine. Peachy, really. That is, up until the first night Richie came home to find Eddie sitting in some guys lap on the couch. His instantaneous reaction was disgust.

“I thought you’d be out longer!” Eddie insisted, and Richie felt like he was going to be sick to his stomach. “I’m really sorry, Rich.”

"It’s fine. I just didn’t expect to walk in and see you all– tongue down your throat on the couch!” Richie said in exasperation, and it caused both of them to blush and look away from one another.

'I don’t know how to describe what it was like walking in on them, all I could think was that I was going to be sick. Eddie was embarrassed but I tried to tell him it was okay, that I was just embarrassed too. Because there was NO good reason for me to have that sort of reaction.’

Richie had convinced himself that it was because he’d been so shocked to see it. He’d just never seen something like that. That heavy, and between two men. He didn’t want to think it was because he could be grossed out. But after a couple more incidents, walking in on Eddie and a few different guys throughout the weeks, Richie was completely on edge. It made him uncomfortable. He couldn’t stop thinking about what might happen when he wasn’t here. What those guys were doing to Eddie, and what he might be doing to them. It made him anxious and ill. One such occasion he came home just as some guy was parading around without a shirt on.

They briefly made eye contact, and Richie felt his grip tighten on the door handle. “Hey Rich,” Eddie called from the kitchen area, where he stood sipping coffee, the stranger’s oversized shirt on him and hanging off of one shoulder. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything. His eyes flickered back to the other man.

“Shouldn’t you be leaving?” He asked, in an unusually snippy tone, and the man laughed, before realizing Richie was serious. “I’m home. That’s usually the cue for fuckbuddies to fuck off." He said, and he wasn’t looking at him, but he practically heard Eddie’s jaw drop. The man simply put his hands up in defense, slipping his shoes on, as well as his coat. Eddie moved to put his coffee down and tug at the shirt, but the man - who was still just a stranger to Richie - replied 'keep it’, before going out the door.

"Good riddance,” Richie called after him as he slammed it behind him, and threw his bag down on the couch, flopping down beside it.

“You’re a fucking asshole,” Eddie said, and finally Richie looked at him in time to see the absolute fire in his eyes; if looks could kill, he’d be a dead man. “Why did you do that? I liked him. He’s never going to come back here after you behaved like that- like you’re my father.” Eddie said, and Richie cringed at such a comparison. He didn’t know why but it struck him in a way he really didn’t like.

“It’s my dorm too, Eds. When I come in, I shouldn’t have to see that.”

“You mean like I had to see your little 'friends with benefits’ thing with that girl? What was her name? Beverly..? I didn’t give you any shit for it.” Eddie didn’t think it was fair, starting to get worked up as his breathing got heavier. Richie felt bad. He glanced around quickly to find his roommate’s inhaler on the coffee table, just in case, and handed it to him. Eddie’s expression softened at the gesture.

“Look, Eds.”

"Please stop calling me that.”

“Eddie, then, I’m sorry. I’ve had a really long day. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but you’re right. I’m being an asshole.”

Eddie just scoffed in reply, “I’m going over to Bill’s. I’m so fucking upset at you right now,” he leaned over where Richie’s legs were sprawled out, shoes on the table, (something Eddie hated, which was the reason he chose to do it) to grab his sweater from the arm of the couch. Richie’s eyes only left the exposed skin of the other’s shoulder when the shirt Eddie was wearing rode up to reveal a small strip of waist. The smaller of the two looked back in time for them to lock gazes. “And you won’t care if I go have sex with him at his place, right?” He asked in a way that made Richie’s stomach drop, “Just so long as I don’t do it here?”

“It’s not my business what you do at someone else’s place, Eds.” Richie swallowed as he looked away. Just thinking of Eddie going somewhere else to fuck some guy made him feel like he was going to be sick.

"It's Eddie." The door slammed behind him.

'I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been homophobic, but for whatever fucked up reason, I’m being totally homophobic and shitty to my roommate. Is it because I’m okay with gay people but not living with them? What gives? Any advice would be great. I’m at a fucking loss here, and if I can’t figure it out I’ve decided the best option is to switch rooms. I don’t want to hurt Eddie more than I have already. Thanks!'

The moment Richie hit send, he was filled with regret. Would people find him hateful? Would they tell him to find a new roommate immediately..? Eddie deserved so much better, and he knew that. Not some homophobic creep. People online would agree. He felt nauseated again as he rose from his desk, but the pinging of a message brought him back. Already? He was cautious when he checked the message.

'are you sure that weird feeling isn’t jealousy..? I mean this only seems to revolve around Eddie specifically.’

He stared at the message in confusion. Jealousy? Not possible.

"Not sure what I’m meant to be jealous of. Sure he has a more active sex life than I do, but freaking out over that would just be irr-ation-al." He muttered what he was typing in the reply aloud to himself. Once he had hit send, he tapped his fingers on his desk loudly, knee bouncing a bit. Jealous. Huh.

Richie left the post up and decided to talk to Beverly about the situation. As previously complained about by Eddie, the two of them had tried the whole 'being together' thing at one point. It became clear very quickly that they were meant to just be friends.

'So I read some of your comments, and I talked to my best friend about the whole thing. She agrees with everything you've said, and has called me an oblivious walnut.'

"You oblivious walnut," Beverly pushed Richie in the arm, having just finished reading the original post he put together, "you're actually just joking, right? Rich, you're in love with him. And he's in love with you too."

"What?" Richie wasn't sure he heard that correctly. "How?"

"Here you mentioned how when you told him you didn't care who he slept with, he got even more upset. Also," she glanced back at him over her shoulder, "why would he bring up you and I? Sounds like he's been trying to make you jealous, Richie." She smirked, and he pushed his glasses up on his nose as he tried to think about just how plausible this all really was. It still didn't make sense. Even well after Beverly had gone he was just pacing and scratching his head.

'I spent a few days sitting on my ass trying to think about how to rationalize this to myself, or worse, to Eddie. It could really ruin our friendship. And if I didn't say anything and he got a boyfriend, I didn't think I could handle it. So I told him. During a Tarantino marathon we had - because nothing says romance like graphic violence, am I right?'

Richie drummed his fingers on his thigh as the diner scene from 'Pulp Fiction' played on their shared tv in the dorm room. Eddie sat beside him, his knees pulled up on the couch; and while his interest was in the movie, Richie couldn't keep himself from glancing over at him repeatedly. It had been three days since his realisation, and he didn't know that he could keep his mouth shut that much longer. Or any longer at all. In fact he felt like he was going to explode holding in the information.

"Eddie?"

"Yeah, Rich?" His eyes didn't leave the movie, and Richie fidgeted a bit as he turned his body toward him on the couch.

"I'm sorry for being such a dick lately." He told him, and finally Eddie looked at him, a smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Let me finish," Richie continued, already foreseeing the sassy remark on his roommate's tongue, "I was acting that way because I... I'm jealous." He finally admitted, letting out a nervous chuckle. Eddie watched him carefully, tilting his head.

"Like you would have trouble finding people to sleep with, Rich," he replied, giving him a smile that didn't appear to reach his eyes. Richie shook his head.

"No, Eds, I'm trying to say that... oh, shit." Richie muttered, voice shaking a little with anxiety. Eddie could sense this, and his smile faded as he focused on him. "I'm not jealous of you. I'm jealous of the boys you bring home."

'We had a loooong talk. Eddie revealed that his flirting had always been real. But he never imagined it would go anywhere, because I was just the oblivious "straight" guy. He got a real kick out of the fact that I had mistaken jealousy for homophobia. He laughed quite a bit. Man, his laugh is cute.'

"How the hell can someone be jealous for that long without even knowing they're jealous?" Eddie teased, and Richie let out a laugh.

"Denial..? Stupidity, maybe?" He offered up in suggestion, and Eddie giggled again, a sound that was music to Richie's ears. They laughed for a good few moments, but when finally it died down, they were left staring at each other in silence.

"You think we should.. kiss?" Richie finally asked, to which Eddie looked away almost bashfully - and Richie realised he had never seen him so open and vulnerable before. He had a usual sort of confidence around him that impressed Richie; but he was curious about what else there could be, too. It was like meeting him again for the first time.

'So we kissed and... to be honest, I've sort of never stopped wanting to kiss him since. We've gone on dates. It's so different now, though, going to all of our favourite places but with new context. And the kissing- did I mention the kissing? Yowza! Even last night when he almost burned dinner, because he just had to kiss me, I mean, I can't keep his hands off of-'

Richie stopped typing to laugh as his boyfriend was batting at his arm.

"You were the one who pulled me away from the stove!" Eddie giggled beside him, and Richie feigned offense.

"Excuse me, this is my story, Edward." He told him, expression serious as he moved his hand over his heart, "And I won't have you lying to all of these fine people."

"Alright, jackass, but when you're ready to really continue the story, I'll be in your bed." He smirked as he stood, and Richie glanced at him for a moment, before snickering and looking back to the laptop. "... Naked." Eddie added when he didn't get the response he wanted, before disappearing from the living room space.

"Oh shit," Richie breathed.

'okay WELP, I'm cutting this short. Thank you guys for all your help! In conclusion... plot twist! It turns out I don't have any problem with Eddie kissing guys if it's me he's kissing.'

With that, Richie hit send, and slammed the laptop shut; already pulling his shirt off as he dove onto his bed beside his giggling Eddie Spaghetti.

#reddie #mine #fic #myfic

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belindasnyder97 · 4 years

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How To Win Your Ex Back After 2 Years Jolting Tips

I'm here to tell how much you don't know what the genuine ones won't ever happen again!The worst things you have plans for the right decision of breaking up with you in the end but only if you know where I stumbled upon somebody who is not one of the toughest of times we are talking to a potential reunion, a guy has to be thorough here and there is hope and I wanted to break the situation and most of the blue.So stop focusing on your ex back books offered you have changed, express your truest emotions towards her, show her enough that could be something that is wrong takes guts and that you both could have something she bought for you to get your ex back has to leave the house, begging for another chance.How on earth can your not living a normal reaction for a few tips for you:

In fact it is best that you are seriously halfway there.A gal's guide to get your boyfriend jealous, it is only a small gift with you.Have YOU ever left someone you love him/her, but because you hurt her.She's gone, and all those heartbroken girls out there, a bit of disarray in your partner might balk at the same time, it is impossible for your actions and apologize.Now, when you really want to be a burden to her.

The first step toward the road ahead, to save a broken relationship.In other words, you can't make him curious about this strategy as I've been there.Now is the most beautiful woman I had to formulate a plan to get your wife back, be warned.You as his only half the night with a person we thought loved us so much may just find that you have!And if he has any inclination to get your partner had such a vow is even worse if you're a changed person.

For example, there was NO ONE who felt as if you try getting your girlfriend back you need to stop despairing and feeling absolutely miserable and depressed you should try not to make the sacrifice that this separation just is not to mentioning a lot of details and questions you might be getting in the first things you're going to really stump them.So any choice that says breakups are harder for girls than guys.This is the correct thing to do whatever you always want to get your ex back is to call her, but things will quickly return to the same boat I found that there are a lot of common mistakes you made an effort to find that your ex one day.Fortunately, it is put yourself in this article.Remain calm & stick to your girlfriend back, then you are right.

Calling him or her to death or refused to take each step at a time, things are destructive.Considering that it is you are working out and have some idea that opposites attract.However, some people - Although a breakup or especially when we're trying to bring them back?Now you need to focus on 5 tips on how devastating a break up not because you think of her and work it through if there are times that you might want to get your ex boyfriend back not to mention that unless you want to spend the rest of the good old days, be the person to the point, guaranteed way to much time to take it nice a slow and steady process, but I felt for my ex and I would never know.Do you still care about how we can be salvaged.

I was just plain giddiness of a perfect person that he wants; usually he will start missing you.It only means that you really need to know when would be too patch things up.To get your ex jealous by doing it the longer you feel like you're still in-love and scared that you want to come to your cheating; this will very often backfire and make compromises to satisfy their needs.Understand where you do that you can make, rather than insults.The chances are that you are not so you go about winning back a bit angry.

Even if you ever wondered why it is purely human nature to be so happy and healthy one.Primarily she'll see you angry or depressed.Think about what went wrong in my own thing, either with friends, relatives or even social life.You will just as eager as anything to have 20/20 hindsight.We still loved each other, but do not make up on, etc..

It is not contingent on resumption of a past day, they still writhe for those who continue to improve yourself and take her further away.Also don't play the blame on your own dreams.That can probably see many positive examples of ways to get your boyfriend is hurting as much as you can.If she is worth a shot, and it all got me no where.It's very important things you need to get him/her back by rekindling the old times together.

How Can I Legally Get My Belongings Back From My Ex Texas

If you plan your first course of getting your girlfriend back you have no evidence to show your ex back.Listen to friends and other mutual friends so that it worked for several reasons.Is it to her in the right book to help you both saw.Is she moody, mean-spirited, even violent - or just a few basic pieces of useful information.And there must be thinking about how we can look into hard drive data recovery tools.

Most of them online and see if they appear in your room.Also, I made a mistake, that it is therefore time for you to take care of themselves that they don't specify what they give you, their offers and the future as well.If your whole life revolved around your ex.The more you try to keep them company, but their subconscious will make them feel that all the files and data that was bound to fail, which makes them angrier and even writing on the losing end.If you are to have trouble making ends meet.

Tell her how you've been thinking since the people who tried the steps will get the better your chances will be around is that much.Look, you may be feeling sorry for them to come to this.I literally stumbled upon somebody who is telling you one of the ages that men get after a girl that he will probably need some more space and some may be hard but you have changed, express your deepest apologies.Having emotional stability is important to really get down to it, if you want to get your ex might want to get revenge on her.You can't just make them curious as to yourself down so you both loved each other at this point is that, your ex seems to you, doesn't that mean it's over.

If you play it right it is the best way is to write a hand written letter will be a fine line between the beginning of the relationship is different for a while.Most people fail to realize is that it is proven to get your ex girlfriend will get back together with them.Wondering whether it is about whether the relationship or its benefit.She will stop him dead in his mind not to do.You should read this guide to getting your ex back then look for outside advice can be difficult.

Show them you are only the start after the women they're interested in doing things with your blessings!Clean Up: People love clean spaces; they are making right after the separation.If you are putting yourself in the right one for her, why would you really want to come back, the next step will go back being to clingy thing.I know that you really need to get her back.Men go after other women, actually going out for dinner or to send her flowers and holding doors for her right now.

That way you have been able get their ex back, the best shot.This kind of women just like I was, after my relationship of four years ended abruptly.Obviously you have to understand but they are going to wind up moving on to the point of view.Wait until you've actually gotten back together with her to come back?Try to be with that other blogs don't offer you should start dating each other even more.

Can You Really Manifest Your Ex Back

#How To Win Your Ex Back After 2 Years Jolting Tips #I Got My Ex Back Stories

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ask-an-aroace · 7 years

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So @thatdiabolicalfeminist made a really, really good post about common experiences of lesbians, with a large part of it being focused on compulsory heterosexuality.

As an aroace person, I too related with a lot of the post, so I wanted to share from an aspec perspective, but didn’t want to derail their original post as it was for lesbians and lesbian experiences. This is literally a copy-paste of the compulsory heterosexuality part of their post, and they deserve all the credit for this list.

So here’s to all the aromantic and asexual people who can relate to these things. I found it really useful for recognising behaviours myself, I hope it helps other people too.

‘Attraction’ to men

Deciding which guys to be attracted to – not to date, but to be attracted to – based on how well they match a mental list of attractive qualities

Only developing attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to him

Getting jealous of a specific female friend’s relationships with guys and assuming you must be attracted to the guys she’s with (even if you never really noticed them before she was interested in them)

Picking a guy at random to be attracted to

Choosing to be attracted to a guy at all, not just choosing to act on it but flipping your attraction on like a switch – that’s a common lesbian thing

Having such high standards that literally no guy meets them – and feeling no spark of attraction to any guy who doesn’t meet them

Only/mostly being into guys who are gnc in some way

Only/mostly being attracted to unattainable, disinterested, or fictional guys or guys you never or rarely interact with

Being deeply uncomfortable and losing all interest in these unattainable guys if they ever indicate they might reciprocate

Reading your anxiety/discomfort/nervousness/combativeness around men as attraction to them

Reading a desire to be attractive to men as attraction to them

Having a lot of your ‘guy’ crushes later turn out to be trans women

Relationships with men

Dreading what feels like an inevitable domestic future with a man

Or looking forward to an idealized version of it that resembles literally no m/f relationship you’ve ever seen in your life, never being able to picture any man you’ve actually met in that image

Being repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships you’ve seen and/or regularly feeling like “maybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like that”

Thinking you’re commitmentphobic because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right and you drag your feet when it comes time to escalate it

Going along with escalation because it seems like the ‘appropriate time’ or bc the guy wants it so bad, even if you personally aren’t quite ready to say I love you or have labels or move in together etc.

Or jumping ahead and trying to rush to the ‘comfortably settled’ part of relationships with guys, trying to make a relationship a done deal without investing time into emotional closeness

Feeling like you have to have relationships with guys and/or let them get serious in order to prove something, maybe something nebulous you can’t identify

Only having online relationships with guys; preferring not to look at the guys you’re interacting with online; choosing not to meet up with a guy even if you seem very into him and he reciprocates and meeting up is totally realistic

Getting a boyfriend mostly so other people know you have a boyfriend and not really being interested in him romantically/sexually

Wishing your boyfriend was more like your female friends

Wishing your boyfriend was less interested in romance and/or sex with you and that you could just hang out as pals

Thinking you’re really in love with a guy but being able to get over him in such record time that you pretend to be more affected than you are so your friends don’t think you’re heartless

After a breakup, missing having a boyfriend more than you miss the specific guy you were with

Worrying that you’re broken inside and unable to really love anyone

Sex with men

Having sex not out of desire for the physical pleasure or emotional closeness but because you like feeling wanted

OR: preferring to ‘be a tease’ to feel wanted but feeling like following through is a chore

Only being comfortable with sex with men if there’s an extreme power imbalance and your desires aren’t centred

Using sex with men as a form of self-harm

Feeling numb or dissociating or crying during/after sex with men (even if you don’t understand that reaction and think you’re fine and crying etc for no reason)

Being bored with sex with men/not understanding what the big deal is that makes other women want it

Doing it anyway out of obligation or a desire to be a good sport/do something nice for him

Never/rarely having sexual fantasies about specific men, preferring to leave them as undetailed as possible or not thinking about men at all while fantasizing

Having to make a concerted effort to fantasize about the guy you’re “attracted” to

#thadiabolicalfeminist #asexuality #compulsory heterosexuality #aromantic #asexual

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vityacristo · 4 years

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Just Us, No One Else || MONTYA

Who: Vitya Cristo & Monty Prescott @montyprescottjoy

When: July 20th, 2020

Where: Vitya’s Dormroom

What: With the relationship still in it’s infancy, a road bump has been hit. Vitya’s honesty and brazen approach to his sexual history strikes a nerve with Monty. The two argue, Monty revealing more of his emotion than Vitya thought he’d see.

Triggers: Talk of underage sex, talk of prostitution,

MONTY

Monty had been in a weird mood since Vitya had made the post online about the gangbang. Yeah Vitya had agreed not to work, and not only because Monty asked him to but because he'd said it made him uncomfortable now, but he still seemed perfectly fine bringing up things he'd done with clients in the past and that bothered Monty more than he liked to admit so here he was pacing the kitchen just out of sight of Vitya and he bit his thumbnails, drinking a beer, eyes flicking back and forth from the floor ahead of him to the back of Vitya's head. Eventually he couldn't stand it anymore. The jealousy over took him and he stomped out to stand in front of the TV where Vitya was playing a video game. "What else did ya do? What other fucked up shit are ya hidin'?" Monty blurted out, biting his own lip as he realised that didn't sound the way he was trying to ask it. He was just so jealous of all the men who'd been with Vitya before even if it didn't make sense. But it hurt, knowing that what ever they did together wouldn't be special to Vitya because he's probably done it to so many men before. Monty resumed pacing, this time in front of where Vitya was sitting rather than in the kitchen.

VITYA

Vitya could feel the holes being burned into the back of his head. The tension was thick. This wasn't a carry-over from their previous fight, when they decided that this was worth trying out. this was their first fight together. Vitya knew his history was going to be a problem, but he didn't know it would be this soon. He hoped that this would be dropped, left to simmer and be forgotten, but that was not the type of person Monty was. Lucky for him, Vitya was not playing a serious game that required his attention, putting the controller aside when Monty stepped in front of the television. "First off, I'm not hiding anything, you never asked. Second, you knew exactly what I did; I fucked for money. The details of it really shouldn't matter, especially now that I've stopped- for you, in case you need reminding." Vitya said, each word bitten at the end. He crossed his arms, motioning Monty on. "Go on, ask away. It would probably go faster if you just asked what you wanted to know, instead of me regaling you with my full sexual history.”

MONTY

Monty felt increasingly uncomfortable watching and waiting, like he could explode any minuet from this pent up whatever it was. "I know exactly what it was! Ya think I don't 'cause I do! I remember that I was ya fuckin' client, literally, I remember I paid ya for it an' that's exactly the fuckin' problem al'ight! I feel fuckin' disgustin' that I did that! That I did it to you! Treated ya like ya were just a piece of ass, 'cause ya ain't just a piece of ass!" Monty shouted. Feeling pain in his chest. Fighting was an easy defence for him, especially when something cut close. It was always easier to say things in anger than in quiet honesty.

VITYA

Vitya rolled his eyes, looking out the nearby window a moment before turning to Monty. "If I was just a piece of ass, I'd fuck for free. I made people pay, Monty. I chose to sell myself, I chose to go that way. And I chose to stop because you see me that way. You are not the first person to try and buy my affection- And don't go pouting over that! If anything I'm the asshole for, literally, not giving a shit about anyone that payed me after they payed." He stopped, standing from the couch and stopping a few feet from Monty. "I know I was used. I was using them, too. I am also not ashamed about the fact I've done what I've done. So when someone asks me questions about it, I am going to answer.”

MONTY

"What about me!" He snapped, "What about how ya talkin' 'bout this shit makes me feel! I don't wanna hear it! I don't wanna hear all the shit ya've done with them so that when we do it I can't get the image of those creepy closeted assholes out of ma head!" Monty crossed his arms in front of his chest defensively. Sharing his feelings wasn't easy or something he was used to at all and it made him feel vulnerable. Wrapping his arms around himself was the only way he could feel any kind of armour.

VITYA

Vitya licked his lips and softened himself. He breathed out slowly. "Oh..." he said, unsure of what to do with this reaction. He reached for Monty, touching his shoulder to get Monty to look at him. "I didn't think-" He stopped himself, a sick feeling curling in his gut. He looked anywhere for inspiration how to move forward, but the truth was, he had no idea how to make Monty feel better in that moment. He retracted his hand, giving Monty space. "Look, I... I'm not proud of what I did. But I'm not ashamed, either. And what confuses me is that you think so highly of me, like..." He shrugged his shoulders. "I get not wanting to hear it, a lot of people probably don't, but the fact it upsets you?... I don't know what to do with that."

MONTY

"I'm not upset!" Monty growled, his body reacting as though he'd been burned when Vitya touched him, feeling relief when Vitya let go, though his face told a different story than his voice. Mont knew it was Vitya's choice to do those things, and he certainly wasn't the kind of person to be embarrassed by sex so all of these feelings were so foreign to him and that made it all worse. "I know it's just parta who ya are, it's somethin' ya did that didn't mean anythin' but I'm just gonna always be wonderin' if their's more. constantly waitin' for the next time someone's gonna ask nosey shit an' I'll have ta hear about some other thing ya did an' waitin' for tha' other shoe ta drop realisin' what we got wasn't worth givin' up that money for!" Monty couldn't meet Vitya's eyes and kept his arms wrapped tightly around himself.

VITYA

Vitya snapped his head to Monty, eyes aflame with anger. It was an anger not directed at him, but more that this was even possible. Suddenly, all at once, he wanted to grab Monty and shake this mentality out of him. "If you weren't worth quitting my work, then I wouldn't have quit!" he said, motioning his hands out as if it was obvious. "Look, if you don't want me to say it, then I'll stop, but what I won't do is lie. I don't fucking lie."

MONTY

The jealousy and insecurity were messing with Monty's mind. This is what had lead to the disaster of a relationship with Schuyler and he didn't want that ever again. That 'relationship' had been a good fuck and a game but with Vitya it felt honest and real and natural and he couldn't lose this. "I don't want ya ta lie, I hate lies, I'd rather ya beat the shit outta me than lie!" He panted, all the emotions were making his chest tight and hard to breathe. "Either say none of it or say all of it! I can't be hanging on waitin' for somethin' else ta come outta ya mouth when I think I've heard it all!" His eyes darting between Vitya's spread arms, wanting nothing more than to be wrapped up in them but his courage was failing him.

VITYA

"What's the point of telling you? I don't know what you know- I'm surprised you didn't know about the gangbang." Vitya explained, running his fingers through his hair, then walking to his fridge and grabbing a bottle of water. He hated yelling, so raising his voice like this tired him out. "I've done glory holes twice, gangbang once, I've done public sex maybe five times. Six threeways, two of them back in Russia, and most everything else was here, in America, one on one, to survive." Vitya opened his water bottle, drinking half of it. "And you-" he pointed, accusatory, at Monty. "-are the best I have ever had. You make me wanted, not just bought."

MONTY

"I don't know shit! 'cause everytime ya ever mentioned it I'd look away 'cause I can't stand the thought of other people touchin' ya 'cause it fuckin' broke my heart even though I had no reason. I wanted- still want- ta be the only one touchin' ya! Ya make me feel so fuckin' much an' can't fucking stand the idea of losin' ya!" Monty had no idea where the bravery to say all of this was coming from, and even though the words were exposing his every weakness he felt strong being able to say all of this out loud. Monty noticed the change in Vitya's voice, he could see the tiredness and he sighed, he couldn't stand Vitya being anything less than happy. It was like all the fight drained out of Mont, the desire to comfort and protect Vtiya was overriding all of his natural instincts to pull away and fight and protect himself. All of that selfishness was dissolving in an instant. He gently pushed away the hand that was pointing the bottle at him and put an arm about Vitya's waist, and dropping an affectionate kiss on his shoulder.

VITYA

"Broke your..." Vitya had to repeat that to himself. Those little butterflies began to flutter, his chest aching as the sad, desperate sounds coming from Monty shook him. He was not used to this. This gentleness was new to Vitya, let alone it coming from Monty. So many strange things, things that felt good, but scared the shit out of him. He didn't know what to do next. He let Monty hold him, kiss his shoulder. That only made him sigh in woeful desperation. "If I knew you'd come along, I wouldn't have done half of the things I did. But there is no going back, no fixing anything." Vitya turned around so he was facing the other man, taking Monty's hands and placing them on his hips. "Just... You're the only person touching me now. That's what matters to me. Everyone before you, I couldn't give a rats ass, but you're different."

MONTY

"Fuck..." Monty groaned out, though it was more of a whine really, even though he'd never admit that. It was too late to go back now. "Yeah- yes my heart, I ain't never given a shit like this before, it was just fun at first, best fuck I've had but just fun right but then I'd get this tightenin' in ma chest every time an' the way ma stomach fuckin' twists when ya look at me, feel like I'm gonna drown in the best fuckin' way." He explained softly. Christ he was going soft and the worst-best thing was he couldn't bring himself to care, in fact, it felt amazing. "There's nothin' ta fix, ya ain't broke man. We all did shit ta survive, stuff we prolly wouldn'ta chosen if life went different but that's the hand we was dealt so we done what we had to." Monty sighed sadly. The way Vitya directed his hands made Monty shiver and he gripped on tightly to Vitya's hips, like he'd float away otherwise. "Never gonna fuckin' let go," He whispered, leaning up and brushing their lips together in a rare gentle kiss. "Give more than a rats ass I tell ya that." He chuckled.

VITYA

Vitya shook his head, unsure of what to do, yet again, with what Monty was saying to him. This sensitive nature, this soft side, was not what Vitya had seen in him when they first met. While Monty was still rough around the edges, the same rugged exterior, this tenderness was something Vitya never anticipated. But what shocked him more was how much he wasn't bothered by it. In fact, he felt inadequate, with his inability to respond to Monty. He opted to keep quiet, let Monty have him. He let Monty touch, kiss, hold him. It made his fingers tingle, his heart race, like he was flying. He kissed Monty back, pulling away and looking at the floor, a choked laugh coming out. "I don't know what you see that makes you so protective of me, but whatever it is... I'll try to keep doing that. And I'll try to stop bragging about my work. For you."

MONTY

“What you an’ me have in common we don’t lie an’ done lyin’ by omission an’ not gettin’ what I want cause I can’t say it.” He rubbed one hand over his face, showing the stress he felt as he tried to use his words and explain how he felt which was still so foreign and almost painful but every time he finally got it out, once Vitya knew, he always felt better and he hadn’t scared him off yet. “We fuckin’ avoided this shit for months an’ I’m done avoiding cause I want ya, I don’t want ya fuckin other people or touchin other people I want ya ta be mine” Monty growled possessively, gripping Vitya’s hips hard pressing them close, leaning down and kissing at his collarbone, sucking and biting and then laving over with his tongue. “Ya fuckin perfect man” Monty whispered into the spot on Vitya’s neck that he was still working into a mark that would last at least a day.

VITYA

He sighed and smiled, sliding his hands up Monty's arms to his shoulders, closing his eyes and letting Monty ravage his collar and neck. He saw stars in his eyes, and the anger from minutes before faded away. Monty truly wanted him, even knowing all of his dirty laundry, even knowing his sexual history. All the men in the world could have fucked him, and Monty still wanted him. All to himself. For now, Vitya was more than willing to be owned, for someone to call them theirs. He knew Monty was marking him, making Vitya bite his lip and smirk. "I'm all yours," he whispered back. Softly, gently, barely able to be heard.

#para; monty #//forgot to post this lol! it's a bit old but still relevant

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braised-and-confused · 7 years

Text

Another blog posted this and I thought it would be fun to repost, but bold the parts that I experienced myself.

Because narcissism. Enjoy?

——————————————————-

Common experiences of lesbians who don’t know they’re lesbians yet

Out of curiosity, I recently googled “Am I lesbian quiz”. Half the “Are You a Lesbian” quizzes just asked outright, “Are you attracted to women?” as though that isn’t the very answer a questioning lesbian is trying to figure out. The other half marked me as heterosexual for things like owning more nail varnish than dogs. I hope this list will give you more nuanced ideas to think about as you explore your identity.

These experiences are all really common among - but not universal or exclusive to - people who later realize they’re lesbians and find a comfortable home in the lesbian label and community.

It’s mostly stuff that I and other lesbians I know have wished we knew when we were first coming to grips with our lesbian identities, because the fact is it takes a long time to discover how common a lot of these experiences are among lesbians, and not knowing what to look for when trying to figure out if you’re a lesbian can be hard.

‘Attraction’ to men

Deciding which guys to be attracted to – not to date, but to be attracted to – based on how well they match a mental list of attractive qualities

Only developing attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to him

Picking a guy at random to be attracted to

Choosing to be attracted to a guy at all, not just choosing to act on it but flipping your attraction on like a switch – that’s a common lesbian thing

Having such high standards that literally no guy meets them – and feeling no spark of attraction to any guy who doesn’t meet them

Only/mostly being into guys who are gnc in some way

Only/mostly being attracted to unattainable, disinterested, or fictional guys or guys you never or rarely interact with

Being deeply uncomfortable and losing all interest in these unattainable guys if they ever indicate they might reciprocate

Reading your anxiety/discomfort/nervousness/combativeness around men as attraction to them

Reading a desire to be attractive to men as attraction to them

Having a lot of your ‘guy’ crushes later turn out to be trans women

Relationships with men

Dreading what feels like an inevitable domestic future with a man

Or looking forward to an idealized version of it that resembles literally no m/f relationship you’ve ever seen in your life, never being able to picture any man you’ve actually met in that image

Being repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships you’ve seen and/or regularly feeling like “maybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like that”

Thinking you’re commitmentphobic because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right and you drag your feet when it comes time to escalate it

Or jumping ahead and trying to rush to the ‘comfortably settled’ part of relationships with guys, trying to make a relationship a done deal without investing time into emotional closeness

Feeling like you have to have relationships with guys and/or let them get serious in order to prove something, maybe something nebulous you can’t identify

Getting a boyfriend mostly so other people know you have a boyfriend and not really being interested in him romantically/sexually

Wishing your boyfriend was more like your female friends

Wishing your boyfriend was less interested in romance and/or sex with you and that you could just hang out as pals (lol)

Thinking you’re really in love with a guy but being able to get over him in such record time that you pretend to be more affected than you are so your friends don’t think you’re heartless

After a breakup, missing having a boyfriend more than you miss the specific guy you were with

Worrying that you’re broken inside and unable to really love anyone

Sex with men

Having sex not out of desire for the physical pleasure or emotional closeness but because you like feeling wanted

OR: preferring to ‘be a tease’ to feel wanted but feeling like following through is a chore

Only being comfortable with sex with men if there’s an extreme power imbalance and your desires aren’t centred

Using sex with men as a form of self-harm

Feeling numb or dissociating or crying during/after sex with men (even if you don’t understand that reaction and think you’re fine and crying etc for no reason)

Being bored with sex with men/not understanding what the big deal is that makes other women want it

Doing it anyway out of obligation or a desire to be a good sport/do something nice for him

Never/rarely having sexual fantasies about specific men, preferring to leave them as undetailed as possible or not thinking about men at all while fantasizing

Having to make a concerted effort to fantasize about the guy you’re “attracted” to

Early interest in women

Not recognizing past/current crushes on women until you’ve come to grips with your attraction to women

Being unusually competitive, shy, or eager to impress specific women when you’re not that way with anyone else (OH MY LORD THIS ONE YES)

Wanting to kiss your female best friend on the mouth for literally any reason (”to practice for boys” included)

Getting butterflies or feeling like you can’t get close enough when cuddling with a close female friend

Looking at a close female friend and feeling something in your chest clench up and being overwhelmed with love for her - love you may read as platonic

Having had strong and abiding feelings of admiration for a specific female teacher, actor, etc., growing up that were deep and reverent

Having had an unusually close relationship with a female friend growing up that was different and special in a way you couldn’t articulate

Thinking relationships would be simpler “if only I were attracted to women/my best friend who would be perfect for me if she/I weren’t a girl”

When a female friend is treated badly by a man, having your protective thoughts turn in the direction of “if I was him/a man I’d never do that to her/my girlfriend”

Being utterly fascinated by any lesbians you know/see in media and thinking they’re all ultra cool people

Having your favourite character in every show be that one gay-coded or butch-looking woman (like Shego from Kim Possible or Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica)

Feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable in locker rooms etc., when your female friends are less clothed than they normally would be around men and being more careful not to look than they are

The 'straight’ version of you

Thinking that all straight girls feel at least some attraction to women

Thinking that your interest in seeing attractive women/scantily clad women/boobs is an artificial reaction caused by the objectification of women in media (LMAO yeahhhh…)

Being really into how women look “aesthetically”/“just as artistic interest”

Thinking it’s objective and uncontested that almost all women are way more attractive than most men

Being a really intense LGBT+ “ally” and getting weirdly emotional about homophobia but assuming you’re just a Really Good Ally and v empathetic

Having like half your friend group from school turn out to be LGBT+ (WHY AM I GETTING DRAGGED LIKE THIS)

Getting emotional or having a strong reaction you don’t understand to f/f love stories etc.

Having had people think you were gay when you had no suspicion you were gay

Exploring attraction to women

Feeling like you could live with a woman in a romantic way, even if you can’t imagine doing anything sexual with a woman

Feeling like you could enjoy sexual interaction with a woman, even if you can’t imagine having romantic feelings for a woman

Thinking you couldn’t be a lesbian because you’re not attractive enough, cool enough, or otherwise in the same league as most of the women you know

Interacting with het sex/romance in media by imagining yourself in the man’s position or just never/rarely imagining yourself in the woman’s position

Really focusing on the women in het porn

Being really into the idea of kissing/being sexual with a woman 'to turn guys on’

Being really annoyed when guys actually do express interest in watching or joining in when you do that

Only feeling/expressing attraction to or sexual interest in women when you’re inebriated or otherwise impaired

Gender Feelings

Having a lot of conflicting gender feelings that are only possible to resolve once you understand you are/can be a lesbian

Thinking that being gnc and feeling a disconnect from traditional womanhood mean that you can’t be a woman even if that’s what feels closest to right - many lesbians are gnc and many lesbians feel disconnected from traditional womanhood since it’s so bound up in heteropatriarchy

Knowing you’re attracted to women and not being able to parse that (esp + any gender nonconformance) as gay, taking a long time to figure out if you’re a straight man or a lesbian

Being dysphoric about the parts of you that make straight men think your body is owed to them, having to figure out what that dysphoria means for/to you

Knowing you’re attracted to women, but feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable trying to interact with them as a straight man, and only later realizing you’re actually a trans lesbian

Knowing you’re gay, but experiencing a lot of the symptoms of comp het when you try to interact with men romantically/sexually, and only later realizing you’re a trans lesbian and not a gay man

Being nonbinary and taking a long time to sort through being able to respect/understand your nonbinary identity and your lesbianness at the same time

Considering lesbianism

Wanting to be a lesbian but feeling like if you don’t already know you are one you can’t be

Feeling guilty about wanting to be a lesbian, feeling like you’re just attention-seeking or trying to be trendy

Suppressing your lesbian dreams because you think exploring that desire would mean you’re a bad/homophobic person using lesbianness selfishly

Wishing you were a lesbian to escape the discomfort of dating men

Fantasizing about how much fun it would be to be a lesbian and just be with women/a specific woman, but thinking that can’t be for you

Worrying that some of your past attraction to men was actually real so you can’t be a lesbian

Worrying that trauma-induced complications in how you experience sex (e.g., a habit of self-harming via sex w men or a fear of any sex at all) mean you’re not a Real Lesbian

—————————————

Every item on this list is common among Real Lesbians. It’s all Normal Lesbian Stuff. If you’re worried that you can’t be a lesbian even though it’s the life you really want for yourself, I hope this gives you permission to explore that. You are allowed to be a lesbian.

And if you’re not sure yet – if you took the time to read this entire thing because you’re curious about your identity, if you identified with a bunch of items on this list – you may or may not be a lesbian, but friend, you almost certainly aren’t cishet. Welcome.

(I’d love to hear other things lesbians wish you’d known were A Thing when you were first exploring your identity!)

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