#lost my dad and now i'm going into debt so that i can pay for the house that he left me

[pharaohcarterkane]

.

[sadceline]

THE ENHYPEN HOST || 1

|| Reverse harem || ft. TXT, Minggyu (Seventeen) & BTS

PAIRING: FEM OC X ENHYPEN

WARNINGS: foul language, explicit content, group sex, humiliation, sex in public, threesome, foursoome, rough sex, red flags, immoral acts, unprotected sex, morbid jealousy, comedy, parody, possessiveness, violent quarrels, arguments, betrayals, lies, femdom sometimes.

GENTRE: +18, reverse harem, comedy, enemy to lovers, friends to lovers

SUMMARY: You moved to Seoul to start over after a bad experience, and everything seems to be going well, you even manage to work for HYBE. You discover, however, that you owe them almost a billion won, money you don't have and don't know how to recover: but don't worry because Hybe itself offers you a solution.

Your body in exchange for paying off your debt.

Do you accept?

Okay, follow me for a moment!

A little context is needed to understand the dire situation in witch I find myself.

I'm a graphic designer, I was born in Campania, Italy, but I moved very early to Bologna, still in Italy but in another region, with mom and dad who are now little more than acquaintances to me, where I spent my existence until my 22nd birthday, when I moreover found out that my idiot boyfriend was cheating on me, with his cousin.

I didn't have time to feel bad about it, because I was pretty disgusted in general. However, it wasn't that I was in love with him, I simply found myself a bit lost - with the only known relatives inhabitants of small remote little cities in the Campania hinterland, who haven't seen me in at least ten years, and a failed career as an advertising graphic designer.

Unable to maintain the hectic pace of business, not to mention the harassment and constant mansplaining I was suffering, I retreated into freelancing. By being able to manage my schedule, I could also manage me, and think about the future.

For several months I contemplated going to Spain but then one of the few friends I had left at the time, after hosting me in her house for some strange reason in Sorrento (in Campania!), always kept secret from her, proposed me to leave with her for Seoul.

It was the fashion of the moment, I had heard about it, but I was too focused on self-pity to be interested in such frivolities - as a matter of fact, while we had been planning the trip for months, I got a little obsessed myself.

She likes BTS, for me too overblown, too famous. I used to focus more on the up-and-comers, there was one band in particular, it consisted of one guy who was better looking than the other, however, not being a kpop senior yet I sometimes confused them, I couldn't even pronounce their name.

So you can imagine my excitement when, just two months after moving to Seoul, I was contacted by a Hybe agent who, after looking at my portfolio found on a website, said he was pleasantly impressed and would like something in my style, for the cover of ENYPHEN's next album, that's how he pronounced it!

After I heard him say those words over the phone I was silent, not because I was thinking about it - of course I was speechless.

It had to be some scam, it had to be! There can be no such coincidence in real life.

The man emailed me his calling card, so I could look up the information on the Internet, and a place to meet.

At Hybe's headquarters.

Are you kidding me? Ester said thus. "Do you think I would let you go alone? What if he is a maniac?"

I didn't speak Korean at the time, but I knew English pretty well, so, yes, I was able to get the job, but in the end, for some reason, my illustration was used for the SIDE B of the album, completely different, official but not primary concept version. I was quite hurt at first, but then I realized that it was already absurd to be able to work with them, I really had no complaints.

Of course, we never met either BTS or ENHYPEN, although once I went alone (I couldn't always go with Ester), I saw Beomgyu from TXT who I have a very heavy crush on, although he always gave me very strange vibes. I obviously didn't even get close to him and looked at him from a distance, however, he was in a hurry anyway, so it's not certain that he would stop.

Okay, let's move on!

After the collaboration was over, I pocketed good money, we ate takeout for at least two weeks in a row, we went in clubs all the time, while every now and then I had flashbacks of my ex-boyfriend, for whom I had begun to feel a strange empathy, as if he were mentally ill. It wasn't the cousin thing as the fact that he had no need to look for a lover - we pretty much did it all the time! It was one of the few things I did well and fucking gladly!

But maybe, I wasn't good enough?

Months passed, Ester taught me Korean, which she had taught herself, and while she was having fun with a lot of guys, I had entered a new state of paralysis. After working with Hybe I expected many requests, many contacts, would come, but instead nothing. Small jobs for small activities with small monetary and psychological rewards.

I didn't do the same as Ester not because I was demure - that adjective was never a part of me - as much as because I still couldn't understand let alone speak Korean, and not everyone knew English, so sometimes it happened that I felt uncomfortable, out of place. I managed to use the time of work paralysis to engage in study, I had to have a social life too! Independently of Ester!

Eventually I decided that for ten hours a day Ester and I could communicate only in Korean, she agreed without thinking and began the experiment. After three months I was able to speak Korean almost fluently, to the point that sometimes we did not even return to speaking Italian.

I was ready to embark on enterprising and exciting multi-ethnic relationships, socializing, and trying to understand South Korea better!

I discovered that it was a terrible place.

Not so much from the foreigner's point of view, but for the Koreans themselves, all very rigid with each other and with themselves, always competing, but also misogynistic, macho, not to mention the jokes about foreign women I heard! Terrible.

Tired of South Korea, after only a year, I talked to Ester about going back-it came out as a hypothetical, after all, I was going to do what she wanted anyway. I didn't want to be alone, and she seemed happy to live with me.

She convinced me to stay a little longer, she wanted to introduce me to her official boyfriend, a good one, really, not interested exclusively in sex! Yes, they are all like that, I had experienced it myself.

Just before I could meet him, however, the two broke up. Sad for Ester who looked devastated, but underneath happy, maybe to be able to go back to Sorrento, to breathe clean air, I consoled her for a whole night, we stayed up drinking and laughing, or crying.

Before I went to bed, in the early hours of dawn, I looked at my cell phone as usual and noticed that Hybe had texted me, again!

Sleep disappeared, I went back to Ester, who had fallen asleep on the floor in the living room, and woke her up to tell her the fantastic news, fuck, I was so excited! Who was I going to work for this time? TXT? BTS? Seventeen?

Copyright violation: that was the subject line, and oddly enough, the entire email was written completely and exclusively in Korean. I was being sued on behalf of Hybe for infringing the copyright of a Pakistan artist who had in turn sued Hybe, because of my design, and won!

What great news! I had gotten incredibly good at Korean.

"Ama, are you okay? Oh, Ama? You look pale!" Ester had said, grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me.

"Hybe wants compensation of eight hundred million won," I had said, under my breath, incredulously, "that's like five hundred thousand euros."

"But you don't have it!"

"I know I don't have it."

"Then you can't give it to them, sue them!"

Yes, it would have been nice and easy but I had no idea how the law worked in Korea, and anyway I couldn't sue them because the contract I had signed had exactly one copyright clause in it. If I had in any way caused damage to the agency's image, through copyright infringement, I would have been called upon to compensate them one billion won, which however had been generously raised to eight hundred million, to make it easier for me, understand?

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. Reach Mexico? Return to Italy? Apply for a loan? And would they grant it to me? Ester advised me to talk to them directly and look for a reasonable solution, offered to accompany me, but when we arranged to meet, they told me to show up alone, or with my lawyer, although this was not necessary because we would talk about it cordially.

I knew Korean quite well now, and inside Hybe practically everyone spoke English. I'll go alone.

I met the CEO himself, a man with round glasses and a kind, smiling, serene face, Park Jiwon. He told me to make myself comfortable and congratulated me for going without a lawyer, since what he was going to propose was best heard only by me.

"Changing the illustration from SIDE A to SIDE B, that was your greatest good fortune, wasn't it?" He had said, smiling in that gentle way that was now chilling.

"I am deeply sorry Mr. Park, I have never seen-"

"I know you can't pay - he had politely interrupted me, getting up from his desk and motioning his secretary to leave. - I'm here to offer you something beneficial, in which you'll always be safe and won't have to worry about, however, it's up to you to decide whether you'd rather return the money or not."

It's called the Jyp method.

Are you curious? This is a funny story.

Korean idols, whether male or female, are people of extreme beauty. It's unthinkable that they won't touch or let anyone touch them for years on end, but that's exactly what the fans want - who feel they are in complete control of their bodies.

Creepy, I realize, but it is quite normal in some parts of Asia.

So how can these poor boys "let off steam"?

The males are given a girl to live with them, together they can have as much fun as they want but within the limits of the host's safety and preferences.

For females it is a bit different but he still wanted to explain it to me, in fact for them multiple partners are needed and these partners do not live with them, but they can make appointments, as if they were gigolos working only for them.

The reason why this is used is because of scandals, any outside relationship cannot really be monitored by the agency. If girls and boys do not need to look for a stable partner and can simply take out their sexual desires on someone, the risk of scandal decreases significantly and their popularity is safe, as are the earnings on them.

In contrast to male guests, female guests tend to be a bit more problematic, which is why only one is usually chosen.

He makes it clear up front that it is forbidden to have relationships with idols, both parties must behave respectfully, and for any complaints from the guest, the agency will take appropriate action, so it is a completely safe situation, understand?

It is called the Jyp method because it was the CEO of the music label of the same name who invented it.

What do you care, you should do it! That's what I thought too, I mean - the band in question was really Enyphen! That way you won't have to pay for it anymore and you'll be hanging out with a lot of pretty boys! That's what you're thinking, it's obvious, really - I thought it first.

Yet to say yes, just offhand, I didn't feel like it.

Mr. Park told me to think about it calmly, giving me two days.

I talked to Ester about it; she did not give me any advice.

She just told me to read the contract well, this time, in case I wanted to accept it, but still she would not judge me, and then I could present them to her - even though I still knew nothing about how the matter was going to unfold.

Clearly I agreed, it was obvious, wasn't it? Otherwise we wouldn't be here.

NEXT CHAPTER:

[mindrell]

So I watched first two episodes of the Amazon Prime series they made of the yakuza series and I have some thoughts;

I feel like lot of people already had not so great expectations of it upon learning how it differs from the source material (can you really blame them when it comes to the adaptions based on videogames though?), I actually like it so far, but I can't but wonder if this was necessary?

Like I haven't watched many Yakuza movies so I can't comment on how unique or interesting of the plot is compared to your usual Japanese gangster movies, but like I wish we could get something else for a change. Don't get me wrong, I love Kiryu and his story, how it starts and his relationship with Nishkiyama, Haruka and the Yakuza itself but if you're making a series based on the games' characters, why not choose the ones we didn't get to see that much? I would love to see how Kazama got where he is or Sera, hell, show me young Kazama and Kashiwagi, how he got his scar and their struggles with climbing up the ladder! Even the people who played the games wouldn't be familiar with the story, it would he brand new and so both new comers and already existing fans could dive into it.

That been said I do really like how Nishki and Kiryu become Yakuza to pay off the debt, Kazama seems like a better dad figure here since he seems like he's actually trying to shield them from joining the organisation. It's been a while since I played Yakuza 0 but from what I remember he kinda resists but let's them in the family anyway like... did you try ?? Girlypop wtf they are dumb young people, ofcourse they are going to glamourise that sort of thing.

In the first episode I feel like I could barely see what was going on in the heist scene but other than that I think the sets are really cool, lots of blood and punching sounds very cool. 👍 The fight after Kiryu gets out of the prison seems but rehearsed (so nice of them to wait for Kiryu to finish beating up their friend before they attack lol) but then again I'm not fight choreographer so, maybe it was actually good and I just don't understand it lol

I really like the idea of Yumi and Miho joining them in Kamurocho, since my biggest gripe in the games were that we are kinda just told that Yumi is Kiryus true love but we never see girlie do anything. I'm sorry it's hard to care for her because we never get to see their relationship properly, I don't know this girl??? They are in love with her I guess cool. So I hope we get to see them in the upcoming episodes 🙏

I also liked them having their little messy home together, it really feels like it's their little taste of freedom before things go south for them.

I wish they had casted someone properly smelly looking middle aged man to play Date, he kinda got yassified imo.

When they mentioned Majima and Taiga I just went "!!!", I would love seeing Saejima somewhere else than just prison. But I wonder how it will affect Majima as a character, since one thing that made him truly tragic is that he had lost everything... But obviously if Taiga is here, then how did things end up going in this version of the story? Now I'm realising I didnt look properly whether Majima has two eyes in the Amazon Prime series but if he doesn't, how would he lose his other eye in this version..?

I like that they didn't just delete Haruka. I hope they handle her well.

I feel like I'm forgetting something I wanted to mention but this is a lot of text already so, if you read this all: I'm very glad and im going to give you big smoochie, we are holding hands now yay ❤

[disdaidal]

Love going to my old hometown to see some relatives, just to find out my uncle's drinking again (he always does but it's worse now), and that he's out of money, in a lot of debt, and the taxi he drives is broken, and he hasn't eaten for days.

Not to mention my 87-year-old grandma is the guarantee in his loan(s), and he hasn't paid his installments in a while, so there's that too. Needless to say, my grandma was worried sick, and so I agreed drive us there last evening to see if he's even alive anymore because he hadn't answered texts or phone calls.

He opened the door for us. He was groggy/drunk/hangoverish and smelled like old booze. He hasn't shaved in a while. His place was a mess and obviously smelled bad. When we suggested that we buy him some food, he said there's no point because his fridge and freezer were broken.

So my grandma opened them and... there was nothing but loads of rotten food there. It smelled like a corpse. There was mold on the walls of the fridge, and the freezer boxes were full of water and rotten stuff. Some brown liquid had flown out onto the floor as well and ruined the carpet. And my grandma was just standing there and cleaning and emptying that stuff like no biggie whereas I stood a couple of meters away and tried not to hurl every ten seconds.

There was also a lot of different shit in the kitchen, like opened jars, old food boxes, milk cartons, rotten fruit—even unfinished food from 2-3 days ago according to him, which tells me that not only he hasn't been able to store food properly; he really hasn't fucking eaten either. At least one sandwich was just lying there, and he'd probably taken a bite or two of it and then just let it waste there.

He wouldn't even let us finish cleaning (we took a few garbage bags out though) because 'he's tired' and 'he wants to go to sleep'. We still offered to buy him some food, but he refused. So I finally grabbed the small box of fish soup that grandma had made earlier and handed it to him, so he could eat something, and at least that he accepted.

But I couldn't properly sleep last night because I kept thinking about the whole situation. So when I talked on the phone with my mum today, we agreed that I contact local social welfare and explain his situation. I tried calling them first and making it sound urgent, but they asked me to fill out an online form. So I did and explained the problem as well as I could (plus his possible physical and mental ailments), and left both our contact details there.

I hope they can reach him, and that he'll accept help (I don't think he will though) because if not, then they can't do much about it, unfortunately. The self-determination laws in this country are quite firm, so if it's a grown-up refusing help, then sorry🤷‍♀️ :/

My grandma's trying to contact her older son (his brother) and persuade him to buy him a new fridge, at least. Even if he does, the old fridge still needs to be emptied and cleaned up before that, and I really hope she's not planning to do it alone 🙄😑.

I could cry and bitch about how utterly mad and done I'm with all kinds of alcoholics (I lost my dad to it 9 years ago, for example). But mostly, I feel for my grandma. She doesn't deserve this. She shouldn't have to worry about her grown-up son at that age, let alone worrying about paying his debts when her own retirement allowance isn't that great either. 😑

Either way, if he's not accepting help, it's gonna take me all willpower not to go behind his door and smack some sense into him. I don't want to give up on him just yet, but I also know that if this doesn't lead anywhere, I may have to. And it's making me somewhat anxious right now.

Well... at least it's a beautiful day outside today. Maybe I'll just go out and get some fresh air for a while.

[color-coded-bear]

DSMP Hotel Del Luna AU

Hotel Del Luna is a K Drama that I'm very fond of, so of course I made a DSMP AU with it. I had even planned a fic for it that I never actually got around to writing.

There exists a hotel that caters only to ghosts and spirits, unseen to the human eye. Of course, that doesn't mean the living don't stumble upon it.

Ranboo comes across a hotel in some less than desirable circumstances (spoiler alert: he almost dies), and strikes a deal with the hotel owner, Wilbur, in order to keep living.

The deal? When he's old enough, Ranboo will return to the hotel and become the hotel manager; the only position in the hotel taken by a living person.

When Ranboo finally returns to the hotel to take the position of hotel manager, meets the ghostly staff;

Quackity, Techno, Niki, and Tubbo

Although he learns that ghosts arent the only ones occupying the hotel;

There's Philza, the Grim Reaper/Angel of Death, who helps deliver spirits to the otherside when their time comes.

And there's Bad, Dream, Sapnap, and George. Deities, who- well actually, Ranboo isn't entirely sure what they do.

Ok, incomplete fic outline time:

At the Doorstep (A Deal is Made): Ranboo comes across a hotel in less than desirable circumstances (spoiler alert: he almost dies) and strikes a deal with the hotel owner.

This isn’t Goodbye: The old hotel manager, Karl, has died, and it’s time for him to move on. A deity comes to see him off. (a lil bit of Karlnap, as a treat)

I Can’t Believe You’re Working With Dead People and You Didn’t Tell Me: Tommy notices that Ranboo is acting off about his new job, and decided he's gonna trail him and find out why (Tommy learns about the hotel and decides he wants to help)

Too Far Gone: A ghost escapes the hotel seeking revenge and becomes an evil spirit. A deity steps in. (Dream kills an evil spirit oOoo)

Title TBD: Ranboo and Tubbo bond over helping a (ghost?) child named Michael

Title TBD: While hanging out with Wilbur outside the hotel, Ranboo and Tommy run into some acquaintances/friends. Normally this would be chill, but Wilbur is acting weird now

Title TBD: Ranboo and Tommy learn about reincarnation, and suddenly, a lot of Wilbur's weird behavior is starting to make sense

So Long and Goodnight: Tommy and Ranboo really didn't plan on telling their dad (Sam) about the hotel, but that changes when a familiar face appears at the hotel (AKA breaking my own heart with some AwesamPonk)

Title TBD: After a particularly nasty disagreement between Tommy and Wilbur, it's revealed that Tommy is the reincarnation of Wilbur's little brother, who he lost before getting the hotel

When you reach the top there's nowhere else to go but: The story of two brothers in search of a home (aka Wilbur backstory)

Lily White and Poppy Red: Wilbur's change of heart

Title TBD: Tubbo finishes his business and finally moves on +Tubbo backstory

Title TBD: Techno finishes his business and finally moves on +Techno backstory

Title TBD: Quackity finishes his business and finally moves on +Quackity backstory

Title TBD: Niki finishes her business and finally moves on +Niki backstory

Title TBD: With Wilbur's change of heart, he can finally relinquish ownership of the hotel and move on. And so it's time for Tommy and Ranboo to say goodbye

I had two ideas for an epilogue:

The glimpse at who would be the hotel's next owner (probably a Hermit). It would be an open ended epilogue though, because I had no plans to write any sort of sequel.

A glimpse of a future where they're all reincarnated together

(Both were unlikely to happen to be honest)

A prologue I couldn't decide if I wanted to write or not;

A Debt to Pay: Wilbur meets a deity, and receives a hotel for his sins.

The reason the Techno, Tubbo, Niki, and Quackity-centric stories were so vague is because I never actually figured out their backstories and their reasons for not moving on.

I had also wanted to add more chapters between the ones listed above, to space out all the serious plot stuff. Although to be honest,, I never actually thought about what they would be about.

[littlemoon320]

It's Been a While...

Not sure if anyone even reads my posts, nor does it matter, but I feel like this will help me to kind of type everything out. And I am totally just going to be rambling about random shit that has happened in my life lately, so pay no attention to me or my ADHD brain LOL!

Not sure if I ever made a post about it over the past 2 years...but I'm a mom now! She will be a year old on June 18th...God how fast time has gone. She is a chunky ball of sunshine and is legit the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know a lot of mothers say this, because for a lot of us, it's true. Children completely change your entire life and she did exactly that. She saved me. Such a cliché thing to say, but it's true.

In 2019 my grandpa passed away and I went through the most traumatic breakup I've ever dealt with in my life. Then in 2020, my dad passed away and I went through another soul crushing breakup. Also dealt with a lot of SA and loss of a lot of "friendships", none of which were my fault, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. If anything, it hurts more because I did all I could for these people and still got hurt. All I knew was loss for the longest time. Then in October of 2022, my whole world was flipped right side up. Even though her father & I are not together anymore, I'll always be thankful for him for at least giving her to me. That's about the only good thing he did for me. As shitty as that sounds.

She is the most beautiful little soul too! Never cries, unless she's hurt or is fighting sleep in her crib. Sleeps through the whole night. Is always smiling and laughing. LOVES Miss Rachel, rightfully so. Is so sweet with our family pets. And is my shadow, which I love. I'll be washing dishes or just be doing my own thing...then all of the sudden I feel her tap my leg or hug my leg to get my attention. I'll pick her up, she'll hug me and then wants back down and just goes back to playing with her toys. It's like she knows when I'm in my head and wants to remind me that she's there and loves me. And I've never known unconditional love until her...so the fullness I feel from her is insane.

I've spent majority of my life thinking the only way people would like me was if I was doing something for them. Whether it was favors, financial help, a place to stay, sexual favors, etc...my worth was based on OTHER PEOPLE for so long. I lost myself. And now I'm so full of love that sometimes I don't know what to do with it. For the first time in my life, I'm okay with being completely single. Not talking to anyone, seeing anyone, sleeping with anyone. The thought of being romantic with a man makes me physically sick, which I'm sure I can thank trauma for that one as well. But I also just don't want anything or anyone taking my time away from her or from better our life together. We just moved into a new home and are finally all settled, I've paid off my debts and have actually been able to catch up on all my bills, I have a fridge full of food and there isn't a single thing that she needs that I don't have or am able to provide for her on my own. Which is an amazing feeling.

I struggled for so long...it's nice to be able to take a deep breath and realize just how truly blessed I am. And all because of you, my sweet Lydia. Thank you for healing me without even knowing it. I love you so much my sweet girl. <3

[catsnuggler]

I rarely hung out with friends outside of school or church activities as a child, including my teenage years. Between not having a phone; financial dependence; not having a license; and my dad's oft-displayed displeasure, and often anger, at failing in some way or another, by being off with friends instead of being at home to help out with something, I felt incredibly discouraged from having a real social life.

I'm an adult, I have a phone, I have a license, but I need steady work, I need my own car, and frankly, I need to be out, so I won't be depended upon by my brother and father so much. Even now, I still don't hang out with friends - what friends? I knew them in school and community college, lost contact with them before I ever got a phone, don't have disposable income, and still live with my dad, with whom I just don't feel safe to be my real self.

Not to mention I feel that hanging out with friends incurs a debt to play host to them at some point; as that isn't a debt I can pay, as I have little money, my dad's house is decrepit, and socially unhealthy, I have rarely hung out with friends for that reason, as well.

There's only one person in my area, who isn't in my family, but is a friend of mine... it's the older sister of one of my exes.

I've been alone for so long. I can't fucking take it. I need actual work that won't let me go after a week, I need to gtfo and be free of my dad finally - I'm almost 26. I just didn't expect what came my way to last so fucking long. I expected somebody would have hired my dad. I expected my brother would have gotten better. I expected I wouldn't have to be depended on forever for errands. I expected... well, hoped, at least, that I'd finally be hired when the world wasn't about to fall in on my head at any moment, and actually hold down that job for a good long while. And I didn't expect the virus to hit, to hit so hard, to persist so long, to turn my father from an abusive but vaguely-social-democratic man, to being all but a reactionary conspiracy theorist who hates trans people more and more cos his pal Dimmy Jore says so, and I just can't take a joke if I don't throw trans people under the bus.

I feel so alone, and I wish my partner could live together, away from her mom and my dad, and finally make friends like we've both wanted to for so, so long.

[brokenmelodies07]

"You are my sunshine"

Summary - To Jeno, Haechan was his entire world. Whenever Jeno was struggling, it was Haechan that saved him. But now, when it's Heachan that needs saving, Jeno is helpless.

Warnings - a little bit of gun activity and violence at the end

Author's Note - thank you to @remiilurai for helping me with the fic!

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray," a sweet voice sang, filling the dark and dusty room with a sense of warmth.

"Yo, Jeno! Where are you, dude?"

"Go away. I'm not in the mood to talk now, Haechan."

"Oh, come on. You love me, you need me, you miss me."

"No, I don't. Get lost, man."

"Fine. Then, I love you."

"A horrible decision, really."

The boy with the chocolate brown hair, who Jeno dearly called Hyuck, walked in the dark, to the corner of the room, to find a lump of blankets.

"Found you!" Haechan cried, jumping on the lump, receiving a shout and a kick to the legs.

"You know you can't escape me, right?"

"I'm a trained killer, Hyuck. I think I can escape you if wanted to."

Jeno was tired. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and even spiritually, even though he didn't believe in God. He's always thought, if we believe in a good God, then why is there so much evil in the world? But now was not the time for deep philosophical thinking. He needed to cut off Haechan. He didn't want to, but he needed to. For his own safety.

He loved him. He loved him to bits. It was Haechan that brought light into his life. It was him that saved Jeno from himself. Haechan, for him, was his angel.

"Hey, sunshine. You're awfully quiet."

That snapped Jeno out of his thoughts.

"Huh? What?"

"You blanked out there for a second, Jen. I almost hit you with a pillow."

"Yeah, sorry about that, was just thinking about something."

"Hey, you're my bestie, you're my little ball of sunshine, you can count on this bad boy for anything, bro."

"Call me that again and you won't feel the sun on your skin again, Haechan."

No sooner did the words leave his mouth, Haechan jumped on him and proceeded to hug him and tickle him. God, did he love this idiot.

Jeno met Haechan when he was 9. After being hit for bringing home a stray cat, Jeno had run away with his new little friend and bumped straight into Haechan. Being his extroverted self, Haechan introduced himself, asked Jeno his name and then took him to his home. Haechan's home was Jeno's true home. It was his safe space. That day Jeno left his cat there and went back every day with the excuse of having to take care of the cat.

Haechan was always there for him. Haechan stayed. He never left Jeno, no matter his ups or downs. He was consistent, in his friendship, love and support. Haechan was his rock, his anchor, he was as Haechan called himself his 'platonic soulmate'.

Being a part of a gang was not Jeno's idea. It was his Dad's. His Dad who bet his son to work as a killer when he had nothing else to bet on. His Dad who made it impossible for Jeno to pay off the debts without continuing to be a killer. In Jeno's gloomy and misty life, Haechan was a ray of sunshine and of hope. Haechan was Jeno's family. The only family that mattered to him. To Jeno, DNA doesn't make family, love does, trust does and support does.

Haechan had saved Jeno multiple times. He saved Jeno from addiction, from killing himself, from his anger, from his sadness, from everything that was him.

Now, it was Jeno's turn to save him.

"Jenoooooo. Jenooo. Jeno!"

"What?"

"Nothing, you just zoned out there for a second again."

"Don't you have something useful to go instead of annoying me, Hyuck?"

"Nah, man. Annoying you is useful. It makes you wanna kill me and you know me, I like that kinda attention."

"Don't say that, you don't know what you're talking about."

"Well, anyways, I actually do have some work to attend to, gotta go annoy Renjun into giving me the notes from yesterday's class. I won't be sleeping over for the next two days, by the way, Mom's scared I'm gonna fail my exams, but because I know that you can't live without me, I'll try sneaking out! Bye, Jen! See you!"

"Goodbye, Hyuck"

This was it. Haechan wouldn't be over for two nights. He could leave town. He could make Haechan safe. This was it.

In the next 12 hours, Jeno packed all his belongings, cut all his relations and sold his apartment. Jeno had just finished one of the biggest jobs he had ever taken. He knew that they would come for him, for his family and the only family he cared for was Haechan. So he had to distance himself from Haechan, for his own safety. He should, he must.

Jeno moved five cities, just to be safe. He believed that the more far he moved, the more safe Haechan would be. And he knew that Hacehan wouldn't look for him. He had done this a lot of times. Haechan was pretty used to this by now. Sure, Jeno had never moved five cities before, but these people were some of the worst and Haechan needed to be safe. It was his duty to protect him after all that Haechan did for him. He just had to wait for a month and then he could take Haechan away, to a new place, to live as normal people, to get a house, a job, to have a regular order at the coffee shop, to have neighbours, to find love, to raise a family, all by Haechan at his side. The city had moved to was perfect for that. He had rented a cabin by the river, in the outskirts of the city, for the month. It was this beautiful place with a garden and a swing and everything. He could already imagine leading a perfect life there.

Jeno took an entire day setting up the cabin. As soon as he finished up, he hit the hay for that well deserved sleep. For the next day, Jeno had planned a few things, like going to the coffeeshop and introducing himself, buying flowers for the house and plants and tools for the garden. He was ready to finally relax.

Drinking his freshly rewed coffee, Jeno strolled up the hill to his cabin, stopping here and there, to pick wild flowers. On reaching the cabin, he stopped to find his keys, but stopped upon hearing a creak from inside. It's an old cabin, Jeno thought, the floorwork must be acting up.

No sooner had he stepped into the cabin, his vision went black.

After a few minutes, which for Jeno felt like hours, he woke up, with a pounding headache and blood fallind down his face. He panicked. His anxiety rose. He tensed. There's no way. They couldn't have found him so fast. He was so careful, so, so careful. Then, how?

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the Prince, himself"

Jeno knew that voice. All those horrible memories flooded back. He wanted to run, run from this man who made him into the monster that he was today. He wanted to be as far from his father as possible.

"Well, son? Nothing to tell your dear old father after all these year?"

"Get lost again, will you?" Jeno spat.

"Hmm. Not the response I expected, but maybe this may encourage you a bit. Bring him!"

There was a shuffle. Two men entered. One wore all black, but the other. The other had converse with the sun drawn on them. No, he didn't know about Haechan. How could he? No, God, plase, no. No.

"Haechan, was it, kid?"

"Not your freaking business, Grandpa. Jen, who is this clown? He's been talking shit for hours."

Jeno couldn't muster up his courage to face Haechan. He knew what was coming. He couldn't find his voice.

"It's, it's him, Hyuck, it's him"

"Hyuck? Really? God, you're just like your mother, so emotional, so full of feelings."

"Please don't hurt him, I'll do anything, please, just please, leave him alone."

"Oh, Jeno, you should have thought about the consequences of killing my business partner, then. Do you know how much I lost? Because of your foolishness? Your greed for money? I told you to join my gang so many times, yet you didn't and now here we are."

"Jen, what's he talking about?"

"Oh, it's nothing you need to worry about, kid. It's father son business. Now, Jeno, I'm going t show you the consequences for your actions. Your stupidity already killed your mother, now you friend, too. Now that he'll be gone, too. Why don't you come work for me. Maybe, I'll even pay you back for all the debts. What say, huh?"

"Not a chance, you filthy piece of shit! You think you can just waltz back into his life and make him do your bidding, well, I've got news for you"

"Agh, you've got quit mouth on you kid, I don't like it. Do it."

As soon as the door was closed behind Jeno's dad, the man on Haechan's left pulled out a gun, shooting Haechan in the stomach, right where it should kill him.

"NOOOOOOOO! PLEASE, GOD, NO, NOT HIM, PLEASE! HYUCK! HUCK!"

The man threw the gun to the side, and untied Jeno, making him run to his friend, taking him in his arms.

"Boss wants an answer in 10"

The two men closed the doors behind them. Jeno couldn't see straight. It was his fault. All his fault, Haechan was injured, he couldn't help him. It was all him. It was always him.

"Hey, Jen" croaked Haechan, trying to sit himself up straight.

"Hyuck, I'm sorry. It's my fault. I'm sorry. I'm sorry"

"Yo, I love you, man. I've always loved you and I will always love you, okay? You're my little ball of sunshine, you're my best friend, man"

"Yeah, I love you, too"

"Finally! I've been waiting for years for you to say that. Now be a good friend and sing me a song, Jen"

"Huck, no, I'm sorry, this is because of me. I shouldn't have talked to you. I should've moved more far. It's my fault you're like this."

"Hey, you and I both know that it isn't your fault, my time's over, that's all. Now, sing me a song, I don't want to die like this, it's not a very good story to tell, sing me our song, Jen, one last time"

Jeno couldn't, but he wanted to, he wanted to sing that song, that song that he so closely associated with Haechan. He wanted to sing it for the last time.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away"

Jeno sang, he sang his heart out, he sang for his friend, for the only person who loved him.

"The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you in my arms

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

So I hung my head and cried"

Haechan had a smile on his face. His eyes were closing, but he still hummed to the song. Jeno took the gun in his hands. The humming stopped. He put the gun to his chest, right where the heart should be.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away"

[timeoverload]

I had to leave work around 10:30 this morning. I tried so hard to keep moving but I couldn't do it. I can't stand for very long and it's hard to keep my balance. Last night my sock was blood stained when I took my shoes off even though I don't have any visible wounds so I'm not sure where that's coming from. It happened again today even though I wasn't on my feet as long. My leg won't stop vibrating. I felt so guilty leaving. The pressure on my bladder is worse today and I had to keep rushing to the bathroom. Sorry for sharing that information but it's really uncomfortable. I know I don't have a UTI because I took a test when I got home.

I am going to the spine specialist in the morning and I'm going to try to get in for an injection on Friday. I don't know how the hell I'm going to pay for it. They won't schedule me any more appointments if any of my bills go to collections so I need to get on top of it right away. I don't want to get my injection alone!!! I want someone there to take care of me!! :'( I hope I don't get a spinal headache this time.

I knew something bad was going to happen. I'm so tired of going through this alone. My dad is the only person that has actually been there to help me. I wish I didn't have to ask him to help me all the time. He already has so many other things to worry about. I haven't been able to drive anywhere for weeks due to the snow either. I have a lot of errands to run but I don't expect him to drive me everywhere.

I'm also feeling pissed off at the world because I have to go through all of this without anything to relieve my pain or stop my muscle spasms. I am so uncomfortable!! I wish I lived in Colorado or something... I want to run away sometimes but I know I couldn't do it financially. It's not fair!!! I don't really drink anymore either and it's been over a month since I had a beer. I can't remember the last time I got drunk.

I feel like I will be trapped in this prison (my bedroom) forever. I feel like a feral animal locked in a cage. My mess keeps growing and maybe if I'm lucky it will eventually just suffocate me while I'm sleeping. How the fuck am I supposed to clean when I'm like this?? I have to keep ordering more clothes and I have probably spent thousands of dollars over the past year. I lost track. I don't want to keep doing that and I could have used that money to pay off a lot of my debt. I don't have a choice because I'm not going to wear dirty clothes. I haven't felt good enough to put the new mattress pad on my bed that I bought like 6 months ago and I couldn't get the old one off so I just ripped it in half so I have a space to sit. I don't have sheets on my bed and I just have to lay on blankets. There is so much stuff on my bed that I can't use the other side. How am I supposed to do anything?? I am pathetic. I don't think anyone realizes how bad it is or takes me seriously. I wish someone would put me out of my misery sometimes. I am not going to hurt myself but existing is pretty terrible right now.

I don't think I would be so nasty and angry if I wasn't in so much pain constantly. I don't think people understand that. I'm generally the sweetest person and I try to be kind to everyone but I know I haven't acted that way lately. I feel like I have been very mean and I'm getting worse so I'm sorry for that. No one knows what it's like until it happens to them. Literally anyone can become disabled at any time so don't take anything for granted.

I remember years ago I had a co-worker who had been working in sterile processing for 15 years and she was such a bitch to me all the time and was hard to be around. I was afraid of her. I understand now why she was like that... she was in a lot of pain too. I definitely have a lot more empathy for her now. I hope she is doing better now wherever she is. I've also taken care of a lot of sick people and I know that pain can bring out the worst in someone. People tend to lash out more often when they are desperate for relief because they get ignored otherwise.

My head is killing me because I am dehydrated since I keep having to go to the bathroom almost every hour. It's making me dizzy. I'm glad I don't have to go to work tomorrow because I would probably cry. I managed to take a shower when I got home but it didn't really help me feel better. I think I am going to sleep the rest of the day. I had breakfast but I don't feel like eating anything else today and I don't care about food now. I hate eating. I don't want to be awake anymore because it's depressing and I have no desire to do anything. I'm sorry for being such a downer but this is just how my life is and I don't think it's going to change any time soon.

Hopefully everyone else is having a much better day than I am... thank you for listening to me vent. 💖💖💖

[invisiblegarters]

Dangerous Romance Ep 9

Last week, Kang tried to make the soccer team and yay! He succeeded. Only it turned out dad was very likely buying his way in, which led to an argument and a slap. So now Kang and Sailom are running away together. Saifah was accused of stealing but did not, and then later Dad gave him the very watch he accused him of stealing as 'extra payment' for his services, and I'm sure there's nothing suspicious at all about that.

Kang. Kang no that is not what Sailom meant.

Rich kids. *rolls eyes*

Chimon really does make the best wtf faces though.

Kang stop flashing your money around good god man. He would deserve getting jumped.

Kang. Babe. When have you ever not been super rich you little weirdo? Please be serious.

And he does this on the regular? Kang. Buddy. Sweetie. Darling Dumbass.

I wonder if Sailom would actually be more relieved if Kang lost everything. You know the money thing is going to wind up being a problem at some point. The fact that he's entertaining this bullshit kind of gets to me, though. Simply because I can't see someone super poor not wincing at every wad of cash Kang throws away on nothing. But that might just be me.

Oh yay more flirting disguised as fighting with Nawa and Guy! I genuinely love this portion of the show. Just make out already you two.

Pffft Kang what did you expect?

Jeeze. It must be so nice to just be able to just sell an expensive bike like that. I guess Kang knows he can get a new one. He should have let Sailom haggle though. He definitely could have gotten 130,000 baht out of that guy.

Here are drinks kids. But we have to pause holding the can at just the right angle because they're the ones who are really paying for this shit (translation: I have gone from hating the product placement to enjoying it. I have hit rock bottom).

OH that was a face Sailom. Please explain that face.

Pfft of course Nawa and Guy are gonna be roommates. Did we think it would go any other way?

Wow Kang way to make it weird. LOL these two. I believe they are trying but I almost feel like there would be more sexual tension here if they just went the bromance route.

Aw, I say again I love the scholarship boys' friendship. They're so great.

They are both going to sneak off to bust up Kang and Sailom's little honeymoon aren't they? Pffft these two are so ridiculous.

Oh just go with him. I'm mostly watching for you two anyway. And Auto Apparently Not Appearing in This Episode.

And right when I say it, he calls. Auto this is why you are in fact my favorite. I do hope he shows up at some point.

Wow. So the shop owner is demanding more money for the bike than he bought it for. Who could have guessed this would happen (besides all of us)? Quit trying to sell it with the sad music, show, I'm not buying. And if he doesn't get the money, neither is Kang (badum tiss).

Ooooh will we really get a Saifah/Name pairing or are they just gonna tease us? Because I'd be into it, guys.

Um, maybe don't be a debt collector then, Name. Just a thought. Don't look at him like that Saifah he's still gonna come after you at the end of the month. This isn't Even Sun (and honestly thank every deity for that I don't think I could handle another Even Sun).

My problem with pool is that I can actually see the angles but I am still bad at it. I imagine snooker would be the same.

NO SAIFAH NO. I was suspicious of Dad but Saifah what the hell are you doing.

Be less loud when you're running away from people boys.

The face again! Sailom what. What is that face you are making.

Oh Saifah no.

Even if we didn't have the preview I'd have seen this coming. This show man.

Oh. Oh this is interesting. Kang getting a taste of his own shittiness in a very real way. Unfortunately there's actual danger here but seriously. I'm not even mad.

Huh I did not expect him to beg though.

Hey is this the first flashback today? Not bad, show.

Look, I get that I'm supposed to feel some kind of way about what just happened. But I don't. Guess I am still irritated by how bad the bullying got. Or maybe I'm just failing to connect with this show emotionally, because I'm not really feeling the daddy issues either.

Oh is that what the looks were for?

Hahahaha I am dying at how romantic they're trying to make this. I just can't. I'm sorry but they are not selling this to me. They're trying hard, I will give them that much. But nope.

I'm sorry.

I do enjoy Kang's cheesiness though. I have to admit. I like Chimon's hair wavy too, huh.

Still don't trust Dad.

[phyllitta]

Some of my truth

It was only a matter of time before liberals, democrats, progressives started to rip themselves apart clearing the way for more cracks in an already broken system.

I hate it here. I'm tired and sick

I'm a few months shy of 40 with 2 degrees and yet I have no idea what to do with life.

I've lost my motivation to write, read, or even sleep.

Do I know why?

World events, debt, constant wondering what the fuck is happening in this country and how that's going to effect my kids, our lives, my husband, his job...

You know:

Helping people with student debt while 1%'s and repubs/dems get their not needed ppp loans forgiven, tax breaks, money from lobbyists, shouldn't be an issue that breaks these groups apart.

Helping people with medical needs and Medicare shouldn't sound like our country would be taking a knife in the back.

Standing with the marginalized shouldn't be killing people.

The state of law enforcement and what is, once again, is on display for the world to see how regular people are charged by a different set of rules versus those with money. Doesn't matter the crime.

The Bible? The misguided teachings of Christianity, once again being used to kill people.

Really in 2023?

At 40 I saw way too fucken late that as a Mexican American, my vote, my voice, doesn't matter.

I wish I could go back.

Because no, I wouldn't of taken out a school loan that has more than doubled due to interest. I'm not saying I shouldn't pay it. That's not my argument. My argument is..at eightfuckenteen I couldn't get a car loan for 12 grand and 230 bucks a month, but that same year I was able to sign for a 20 thousand dollar school loan.

Did I understand what I was signing?

No. Because the idea of going to school was one of the few choices I had. School, menial job, or military.

Is that my fault, yes? Because I was easy prey and uneducated.

Then, I watch my parents struggle even though they've worked hard all their lives and now scraping by on retirement/security. My dad is 70 and yet can't afford to retire. But in that same note can't get his retirement/social fully if he still works part time?

Wtf? Social security? Something we pay into since we first start working.

Medicare? My mom can't afford tooth surgery although on insurance and social security.

GUNS...hey they're being used to kill children and minorities, and because Jim Bob fuckstick feels threatened he can go to fucken subway with more guns and ammo on him than a marine, but fuck it right. Second Amendment

And that's just a few..pfff...

I've voted red. I've voted blue till I was blue in the face for men and women promising, using our/my plight for their soapbox.

I'm fucken done with all this bullshit.

I needed my own soap box today. Of course this sounds so whiny and one sided but I'm so fed up. Insomnia, anxiety, depression aren't helping.

Maybe ignorance is bliss cause these fucktards with the loudest voices seem to be enjoying the good life.

[thecryptidprincess]

I got hella scammed.

This is a long ass thread so strap in, folks.

So, two weeks ago I was looking for apartments on every website possible to find a place to live in New Hampshire (so I could be closer to my boyfriend and find a better job and, y'know, eventually get a car so it would be easier to find a place to live together and all that jazz) so I found this neato little place on Craigslist. It was within my budget so I reached out to the person who posted it and they seemed legit. We have multiple email threads going back and forth discussing the apartment, and I was like cool I'm in. I signed the lease (it was an extremely legit looking lease), sent payments for rent and security via PayPal, and renter's insurance, and was supposed to go see the place yesterday on Sunday and get my keys and I thought I was all set.

Well, this is where the realization comes in. The person wasn't getting back to me after Friday, wasn't telling me what time to go view the apartment, so on a whim and a gut feeling I went over to where the apartment was. It was nice, but then a nice man came out of the building and was talking to me about why I was there. I told him why, but I didn't realize I gave the wrong street number when I was talking to him. He went to walk his dog and I checked the lease again and realized that man I was just talking to came out of the unit of the building I was supposed to be viewing. I'm feeling a lot of things at this moment. The man comes back and I tell him what I've discovered. Turns out, this guy I'm talking to is the ACTUAL LANDLORD of the building and he lives in that unit on the property. I'm upset. I'm almost on the verge of tears and he talks to me about what I should do. He's nice enough to give me a ride to the police department and I report the fraud. I'm crying in the police department, of course, but I have all the PayPal information as well as a Chime Bank account number with a name attached plus email on email on email of correspondence I've had with this supposed "manager" of the property. The police are now investigating the crime since the amount of money I sent makes this not a misdemeanor, but a fucking felony.

I get back on the train to get back home, and I'm feeling like I got hit by a truck. I lost my job, barely was working, I have more credit card debt because I can't even pay my credit card off and I have late medical bills, and now I'm scammed out of so much money that my dad helped with because he wants me out of my current apartment due to the abhorrent conditions and amount of rent I pay.

I went to the bank this morning to tell them of the fraud, HOWEVER, due to the way the payments were made there is limits to what the fraud department can do to get the money back.

I feel so lost. I feel so unmotivated. I've been kicked so many times while down these past month I can't even see a dim light at the end of the tunnel. I can't afford food. I can't afford to pay my bills. I've hit the lowest point of my life, and I don't know how to keep going. I'm feeling so many different emotions. Sadness, anger, shame, guilt, just...everything. I just wanted one thing to work out, and at this point, I don't know how to make things work anymore. It's been a shit time.

[maxthornes]

I'm angry and ranting about my (hopefully) soon to not be roommate of a cousin in here. Don't read if you don't want to be mad.

I'm so fucking tired of my roommate being so inconsiderate. It's only gotten worse since she got a boyfriend.

We have 1 AC unit, and she has it in her room with the door constantly closed, TV blaring at any given hour.

She knows weed gives me panic attacks, but is still blasting the whole house with smoke every day.

She goes to the food pantry with the car she's borrowing from a friend, while DoorDash ordering name brand stuff from Target while crying woe about money and how she HAS to go to the pantry, meanwhile stealing mine and my fiancé's food we have to beg to use the car to pick up. (Which is a """"secret"""" to her friend that her bf and I have been driving it, even though said boyfriend has a car, and they always seem to take the friend's car RIGHT AFTER my fiancé and I have put gas into it)

Even though I'm queer and so is my mother, the bitch still LOVES Chick-fil-A and is constantly trying to get me to try it, and talking about how much she LOVED working there (even though she was quietly fired for celebrating my mom's wedding to her wife)

I constantly have to watch out for her dog and cats so they don't piss and shit over everything I own, and SPEAKING of the animals, I can't remember the last time she bought litter or cat food, nor the last time she cleaned a litter box (the cats are no longer ALLOWED upstairs by her order, and the litter box that WAS in the laundry room up here has no litter in it, but sure has piss and shit in it 😒) there are several cats in this house, more than half of which are hers, but she doesn't care for them.

She BROKE my toilet and shower head, but swears up and down that she doesn't know what happened, melted all of my makeup, lets her food rot in the fridge before bemoaning how she has "nothing" while the only reason my fiancé and I have had ANYTHING TO START WITH is that he works for a decent grocery chain.

Oh!

And she has been on "leave" with her job for 8 months, 6 of which were unpaid leave, because she lied to her job about taking care of her actually disabled father, and they only allow so much time of that to be paid. She recently started working again, and she's EVEN WORSE NOW and practically flaunting the fact that she has money back in our faces.

She fucked off to her boyfriend's house 2 hours away leaving us with no transportation during INSANE rain storms WITH NO WATER AND ALL OF THE ANIMALS TO TAKE CARE OF, and when she was like "oh, my dad should have covered that, oopsies" and admitted he had no money for the OVER $400 BILL, I went into debt to my mother to get the bill paid, and it's a MIRACLE she had the money to pay it. The water went unpaid the entirety of the first 3 months we lived her.

She also RECENTLY shoved a $150 internet bill AND $200 backed electricity bill onto my fiancé because she "didn't have money".

She's loud, inconsiderate, a liar, a thief, and I CANNOT WAIT to get the fuck out of here.

Fiancé and I lost our car in an accident I was involved in a year and a half ago, and it left me with an essentially disabled spine, so I LEGITIMATELY haven't been able to work, but I also can't get assistance because I'm waiting on the lawsuit to finalize (I'm not at fault, it was an international company's employee who caused the crash, and I've got a decent enough lawyer that I can get back into physical therapy AND get a car from the settlement, hopefully) and I have been advised by my attorney to not seek disability until after the payment, otherwise it could cause issues with getting government assistance, which I qualify for.

Anyway, hopefully in a month I'm across town, and she realizes she's on her own with ALL of the bills and the mortgage she was confident she could take over from her dad 😒😒😒 I'm so fucking done, and this isn't even scratching the surface of all the shit, and I WILL NOT be forgiving her for scamming my fiancé and I for the last two and a half fucking years.

I hope they serve Starbucks in Hell, you absolutely cunt.

[1supernatural-trickster]

It's day 5 of having the nastiest stomach virus that didn't let me eat for 2 days, making me take a liquid IV. Also started shark week at the same time, & I gotta go to work in 5 hours. Can't sleep, got better today only to get worse & I fear I may have to skip work again. Afraid I'm getting on thin ice with my bosses cause my health has been declining so much over the past 2 years, & besides that, I'm still recovering from an open fracture that put me out of commission for 3 months, forcing me to stay at home, where I ended up being isolated to the point of my introversion/social anxiety shooting up once I reentered work/society.

I've already had several visits to doctors who say nothing's wrong. Now I'm seeing a specialist, but not till mid June. I even purchased a cancer policy with my life insurance this year, cause as optimistic as I try to be (honestly dunno how, with the unstable life I've had since I was born) because I want to be prepared just in case. No money for treatments, cause even at my age I don't have proper savings due to paying everything out of pocket (bills, surgeries, rent, schooling) cause giving my hard earned money from multiple jobs to my dad so he can pay off his debts, & having to drop out of college multiple times so my brother & I could support our parents in hard times. If it weren't for my brother, I don't know where I'd be. I finally finished schooling (for now), got started in the medical field of my dreams, & am working my way up in the field. Even with all the scholarships I received, I had to get a loan for the rest of my school pay since like I said, I didn't have any savings.

I've worked my ass off, fought off depression & insomnia for over a decade, almost lost twice, but damn it, I've kept going. I'm still here. Because even though I still think I'm nothing sometimes, I know there are people who love & support me, so I have to keep trying for them. But it's still so hard. Every time I start getting better, something goes against me in a way I can barely fight back or recover from. Life is pain, & brother, I'm not doin so hot.

[beaubambabey]

I literally feel like I can't breathe and I don't know what to do anymore. All I know is I feel like I want to die. Like, seriously genuinely die not the everyday suicidal jokey "lol my life sux" shit I do

My life is over its fucking over and I'm never gonna be able to get out of this situation unless I die

My dad lost his job at the start of the year. I agreed to try and find a higher paying job to help out. That didn't pan out. I tried to do two jobs. Hated every second I was at the other jobs. Quit them. Couldn't get the hours I had prior to searching for a new job back. Didn't know what to say to my boss because all that was in my head was my dad telling me how I needed to get a better job. At least I had a fucking job.

Both my parents have been disparaging the part time jobs I've worked while living with them. They complain about everything, from it being "too far away" (it's less than 10 miles away) to how much I get paid (minimum wage but it's increased. And is much higher than the national average even though the cost of living here is astronomical) to what I bring home (food I want to eat and store in the house/smells/attitude). I wouldn't be working these part time jobs if they'd helped me make college work better for me. Or, if my mom's story (casually dropped years ago, no way to get the truth out of her because I don't know if she's ever told the truth about anything) about how she could've put me on medication as a child, I would've actually gotten a college degree by now.

They say they're proud of me but it always feels superficial. My brother has a master's degree and a good job. I never moved out and have credit card debt.

They complain that I never show them my art, but then when I try to open myself up they either brush me off or completely change the subject.

I don't have a place in this house. I am seen but not heard. I'm a child and will always be a child but at least I'm making them money, huh.

When I was a child I wanted to dance. Not Indian dance, like my mom did. Jazz dance. Tap dance. I loved dancing, and it made me happy. My mom hated that she was paying money for something that wasn't helping me lose weight. Hated that she was paying for something that wouldnt make me into a tiny version of her. I quit dance to focus on acting, because at least I wouldn't need to be skinny and act, right? But then I quit acting to focus on school. I barely graduated high school, and most of it was because my dad screamed me through writing essays for school. "We loved you so much and wanted you to do everything" You didn't love me. You don't love me, you love the idea of me and abhor the creature you created and can't face this reality. To this day, I can't bring myself to write anything academic without self-harming.

If I wasnt going to act or dance, I thought fine art could be something. I drew, I honed my craft, I learned, I studied. It used to be something I was passionate about. I fucked up along the way. I can't let myself pretend that I finish things. I delude myself into thinking I can do so much that when reality hits and I'm suddenly locked in mental loops that leave me stuck I've already fucked up and let people down. I lost the passion for art during lockdown. Less because of circumstances, more because I fucked up and fucked over other people. The obligations to those people and righting those wrongs held me back from drawing, because I couldn't allow myself to move forward without finishing out those obligations. And yet, it took me so long to find the wherewithal to get it done that years had gone by. Being diagnosed with ADHD was too little too late. I should've either been given Ritalin as a child or euthanized.

I tried streaming again in the hopes it would motivate me to draw more. Hoping I could design some new stuff to put on my store. It did help, while it lasted. My internet was shit the entire time I tried, so I gave up since the only time I had the energy to stream was the same time my parents were watching shit on streaming services. I only learned a few days ago that we don't even have unlimited streaming bandwidth and everything I've been doing has just cost my family more money.

Maybe I shouldn't have taken a vacation. Maybe I should've just worked through the month. Maybe I never should have even thought about having fun. Maybe I should never have fun or give myself a break. Maybe that would work for them. Maybe they want to wring me out of every cent I make. If I can't afford to eat food that I actually want to eat then I'll eat less and get skinny. If I can't afford to do anything then I'll never leave. If I can't afford to leave then I'll keep making money for them.

I want to jump out of this fucking window that they never bothered putting a screen on. Maybe if they found my body in the dirt on the side of the house rotting in the freezing cold with the neighbor's lemons it would knock some sense into them. Nothing I've ever done or said ever has. To them, I'm just some little retard child they brought into the world and kept as proof that they're capable.

There is no joy or passion in my heart anymore. Everything is a desperate delusion to escape this hell I live in. I'm a burden to myself and others. I will never be free.

[solomons-poison]

.

This year has been so damn exhausting and it's only the second week of March ugh. I got some good and bad news recently so I'm just in such a whirlwind of stuff, I think I've just lost the ability to process legit emotions at this point. Or maybe I'm in shock idk

I'm getting a pay raise (was estimated in effect next month) and ended up getting an extra paycheck from my work today???? So I might finally be able to get my car checked out now that I actually have extra money not already marked down for debt or utilities. Thank God I only work in the pharmacy once a week and otherwise work from home, but my friend has been driving me to and picking me up from work and I felt so bad having her do that. Now hopefully I can have my independence back and she doesn't have to waste gas on me.

And now I've been told my mom is going to Korea for two months. Due to not having a car, I haven't gotten to see her much besides surprise visits anyway. But she's the only parent that speaks to me, my dad has been completely MIA, when I send him text messages he does not look at them whatsoever and even my mom has commented on it. I just feel like I'm floating in the wind sometimes and idk what to do anymore.