#losingababy

[spoiledwifey]

Suddenly it hits me. All at once.

I felt really tired. Like the world had drained me for everything that I had. 😔

Afraid that I will never find the happiness I had. 💔

[thedisruptivegallery]

So, we had been together for 7 happy years, dating for 3 and married for 4 when he decided he wanted a baby. I had 3 daughters from before we were married and wasn't quite in the same place he was.

I guess I felt that if that was something he wanted we should have talked about it before then. I had just turned 34. But after talking and hearing how badly he wanted us to have a baby together, I finally agreed.

I loved him. I loved him more than a couple years of dirty diapers and sleepless nights.

After a few months of trying I went to the Dr. At which time I was told that I had precancerous cells and that it was a stage below cancer CIN2 stage. They wanted to do a procedure that would be removing part of my cervix. At the time, I was more concerned with making sure I had a viable pregnancy and giving him the baby he wanted, that I went against the Drs. Advisement, got pregnant anyway, and postponed the surgery.

The baby was due March 3rd 2013.

During my pregnancy, which was my fourth, and being 34 yrs old, I felt I was gaining weight too quickly and so we purchsed an above ground pool so I could get some exercise. I had the toughest time getting the ph to balance out, one day it would be fine then the next, green. (There's a reason this is relevent and it will become clear later.)

So one day I'm sitting at home and my husband is there with me and I start having some cramping and some spotting. I immediately get concerned. I ask him to call the dr's office for me as I lie on the couch. He speaks to a nurse who gives him criteria before saying I'm probably fine and that I dont need to go to the hospital. But I know something isn't right. The cramping gets worse and I tell him I'd like to go anyways.

When we get there they put me in a wheelchair and do to the overflow of patients from a bus accident that has happened we are placed in this tiny side waiting area in the hospital hallway next to a couple, the man had injured his ankle. As we are waiting I am still cramping and i start to feel like fluid is coming out and I begin to freak out. I tell my husband to go tell the nurse what's happening and he acts as though he doesn't want to bother them, he tells me they know we are here and we should just wait. But as I am waiting I begin to feel what feels like contractions and have a sense that something is moving down. I am trying with all I have to keep it from coming out. Still not sure what's happening completely,

(I dont think I could let myself believe I was losing this baby)

When I finally call the nurse over myself I am crying and explaining, she then tells me that because I am 1 day shy of being 14 weeks that it's not considered a fetus and that means it has a low priority. I am shocked.

They finally get me in the room for the sonogram, the room is dark and the technician has the monitor in a way I can't see it but my husband can. They do what they do and she says she will give the Dr the information. I ask her if she can tell us anything and she apologizes and says she can't. Once she leaves I ask my husband, "did you see anything?" He said he couldn't make heads or tails of the image on the screen. And after having 3 children prior to this, I asked him, did you see a tiny flashing light on the screen? Knowing if he had, it was the heartbeat, and everything would be ok. And then he said "no." And I absolutely lost it. I'm sure that everyone on that side of the hospital could hear me screaming and crying.

After that things moved very quickly. They took me out of that room and moved me to another exam room where a Dr came in and said that he wanted to do a check. As I lie on the table I hear him say. I see something, I think I can get it. And he asks me to push. Hearing him ask me those words send me into another sobbing fit to which he tells me I have to stop crying because he doesn't know if he is hurting me. Like anything he could do could possibly compare to what was happening. After several good pushes he asks the nurse for a tiny silver tray and I look away. I couldn't bear to see the tiny person that I was unable to carry to term.

He informed us that I would have to stay the night and be induced because the placenta would need to be delivered. My husband started getting his things and left me to go get a bag of our stuff from the house. I was alone. And In shock.

Everything was so surreal. A nurse came in and asked me to sign a paper that they said would basically ok them to do tests to find out what happened. I signed the paper. I didn't know at the time that what I really signed was a paper giving them the consent to toss my baby into a hazardous waste bin.

We werent given anything at all, no urn, no tiny casket, nothing to show that I had just lost a part of me.

That night my husband said to me that he was worried about me. Worried that this will make me withdrawl and push him away and he doesn't want that. That night he slept on the hospital bed curled up with me.

When I was getting ready to leave, a nurse came in and handed me a teddy bear. She said that they like to give something to the mothers who leave without their babies. I remember being silently furious.

A fucking tedding bear? That's what I'm leaving this hosptial with?! That's supposed to what? Make up for the fact that I lost my baby!? Pure disgust.

Once I got home I was sufficiently depressed. Didn't want to move off the couch for weeks.

I still wanted to go on the trip with my two youngest daughters and my husband, but for some strange reason he seemed against the idea. Saying it wasn't a good time and he was really needed at work. After some convincing we ended up going.

We had also decided we were going to try for another baby again as soon as it was ok.

For my follow up appt at the Dr's. office we were sitting in the waiting room surrounded by what seemed at the time an endless sea of preganant women. I'm not sure they take into consideration what affect that has on a woman who had just lost her baby but I had told my husband, I couldn't be in there and walked outside of the office and loitered around in front of the office until my husband came out and told me they would seat us in a separate waiting area. When we asked why it had happened, the Dr. Said it was an infection in the uterus. It took me a while for it to hit,

but it must have been the pool.

While I was pregnant I had bought $1 scratch off and won $500. Part of me to this day wonders if that if I hadn't won, that I wouldn't have lost the baby. Like it was in some way for the universe to balance things back out. With the 500$ we had booked a trip to Savannah, GA, with the reasoning that it would be our last trip we would be able to afford to take for a while with a new baby.

After that we began trying again and on the day I was to take my pregnancy test to find out if it had worked, my husband decided he was going to stay out all night. No phone call, no responding to texts, nothing.

[melkennett]

So as a lot of my friend know this month is 21 years since my son Jack was born silent.... Jacks ashes are in this little forever friends box that was given to me by my mum and the plan is that when I go my husband will have Jack buried with me.... Until then though I have bought a necklace from T W Memorial gifts which I can put a piece of his ashes in and carry with me always x x https://www.facebook.com/TWmemorialgifts-102806091426706/ #borntoosoon #bornsleepingbutstillborn #bornsleeping #babyloss #losingababy (at Hastings, East Sussex) https://www.instagram.com/p/CDd8i_cHKVr/?igshid=1fj8se2o8rw89

[charlilouise-blog]

https://www.charlilouiseblog.co.uk/blog/its-only-been-two-weeks. New blog post now live #blog #blogging #blogger #miscarriage #miscarriageawareness #anxiety #depression #metime #coping #grief #pregnancyloss #losingababy #sayinggoodbye #backtonormal #gettingthroughit

[purplewonderlandbydee-blog]

Not Goodbye, See You Later

Today is about saying goodbye, but I have searched the deepest parts of my soul to find the right words to say goodbye with and I keep coming back to one thought…how can I say goodbye when I never even got the chance to say hello. To lose a child is something in which no words can quite describe. With today’s generation, there are so many people who would disagree with me that you were my baby. They say things like “clump of cells” or “it’s just a fetus” but I know in my eyes and more importantly in my heart, you were mine. In Jeremiah 1:5 the Bible tells us that “Before I formed you in your mother’s womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart.” So any doubts were washed away with this one verse. As your mother, my heart aches for the times we never were able to have…from the first time I would have held you, to your first steps, your first words, your first day of school, none of the things will we ever have the opportunity to create these memories. But nevertheless dear sweet child, you will always be in my mind and the memories of loving you will never cease to exist. All of your family was so excited to meet you, to love you. You would’ve been your dad’s first born child; he was so thrilled to have you on the way. The day came to soon that God decided to take you home. I’ll never forget this day. Looking at the sonogram and hearing the nurse say “there is no longer a heartbeat” was like a knife in my heart. How could this be true? I wanted to scream and yell at God and ask him why he took you, didn’t he know I needed you more? Didn’t he know that you were supposed to live? Didn’t he know that I wanted to hold you in my arms? Didn’t he know? Didn’t he know? Who was I kidding, He is God, of course He knew. And this is where I found my peace to let you go. He did know. He saw things that I could not see nor understand, he had a reason for taking you, even if I didn’t understand it. The verse that came to my mind was Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” And this is what I had to do. Trust Him. I could have given you a really good life here. I would have loved you, played with you, held you when you cried, taught you things but it is nothing in the comparison to what Jesus can give to you in Heaven. You will never know hurt or heartache; you will only know love. And although I will always wish I could have had time with you, as your mom, you can rest in the arms of Jesus for eternity. So, this was never really about goodbye, was it? It was just a simple “See you later.”

[ourchocolatecollectiontastemaker]

Am I a parent even after a miscarriage? A question I often ask myself is, am I even a parent? I never gave birth so what does that mean? My answer is yes, you are a parent. You may never be able to see them crawl, take their first step, or know what their first word would be. You are still a parent. You conceived a child in your womb, you peed on a stick, hoping it would show two lines or it would be positive. Your heart raced when you went to tell your partner. Would they be happy? Scared? Were they prepared for the news? You scheduled your first appointment, you told your friends, you were so happy and excited. You found out your due date and started your prenatal vitamins. You are a parent. You have started worrying about your baby. You have started planning for your babies future. You are a parent. Then you go to your next appointment and the doctor says something isn't right. They want to run more tests just to make sure everything is okay. You go home, and you start bleeding. They tell you not to worry that it's normal to bleed. You worry anyway. It's your baby. The test results come back and that's when they tell you. You have had a miscarriage. Your heart sinks into your stomach and you feel like you can't breathe. You go home and cry yourself to sleep. You wake up in the morning and just for a moment, you forget. You forget that you lost your baby, you forgot that you will never get to meet your baby. How do you go on? How do you live your life knowing that you have lost a child? You are a parent. Don't let anyone tell you differently. 

[avila0624]

I just need this pain to go away. Idk if I'm more in physical pain than I am emotional pain. Everything hurts. My body hurts my soul hurts. I'm having all the pains of what a mother feels after she gives birth. Except I have no baby by my side. How is everything suppose to be ok? How am I suppose to not be sad? I didn't plan on being pregnant but when I found out it was the most happiest day of my life. It was suppose to be perfect my due date was on my grandmas birthday June 10, 2013... I just don't know where to go from this. I want to leave somewhere far where no one knows about me.

[foralwaysjen-blog]

My Guardian Angel, it's almost been 2 weeks since I've lost you & it still doesn't seem to get any better.