#losing her home and the future she shouldve had

[elenaesmoved]

what shatters you?

sorrow.

this world takes and takes, and you cannot understand why … your heart cracks with each loss, and now, you fear it is only held together with fraying strings. perhaps you consider how simpler it would be not to care. but, would your soul allow you to?

tagged by: @gunchamber <3 tagging: @salvatoraes, @forbaes, @hybr2d, @wiredsmile, @timewound, @magizat, @lorestold ( caroline ), @azrahel, @sk8grl, @appleyed, @rosewiltd and anyone else who'd like to!

[musicoftheheart]

i am not in a Positive Mood atm and so i will be picking a bone with disney because there is one song that has frustrated me since the day i heard it and i vow here and now that one day i will rewrite it and that song is My Once Upon A Time from descendants 3

for context, the song comes right after all of mal's closest friends and her fiance have just been turned to stone. unless she can find a way to turn them back, they are - for all intents and purposes - dead, essentially. and, as she says in the song, its her fault. i dont 100% agree with that, but its not the bit i want to pick at

no, what id like to rant about is the fact that the whole song - the whole song - is her talking about how she needs to fix it because its not how she wants to be remembered. what?! im sorry, her friends have been turned to stone and shes concerned about whether she'll be portrayed as a hero in history books? what the fuck.

allow me to point to a song that achieved exactly what mouat shouldve: the next right thing, from frozen 2. in this song, anna learns her sister is dead, because olaf (who's life relies on elsa) dies in her arms. anna's song shows how she picks herself back up, not for herself but because she has people relying on her who need her. because its the right thing to do. not because she wants to be seen as a saviour, but because she wants to save the lives of everyone still in danger. shes already lost her sister, she doesnt want to lose her kingdom, her people, too.

tnrt in frozen 2 was an impactful and emotional moment. mouat in d3 showed mal brushing off the fact her friends were gone and instead focused on her reputation. and i get it - i get that the whole point of the descendants trilogy was that you get to write your own story, and that nobody is wholly good or bad, and that youre in control of your own decisions and whether they help or hurt - but this should be a moment of pure emotion for mal as she recognises how her own actions have led to the loss of her friends, but that she has to carry on if she ever wants a chance to save them; to save everyone. it should not be focused on her being good for the sake of reputation

and, to add to this, im fully aware that throughout the three movies, we see how mal values other people's perception of her, especially so at the start of d2, and then again at the start of d3 both as her role as future queen, and when she doesnt tell her isle friends that it was her call to keep the barrier closed. shes afraid of how theyll see her, yes, but we had the character growth during d2 where mal became more confident about not fitting with the perfect princess look (represented by her transformation into the dragon, and continued use of such magic despite it coming from her evil mother, as well as her dress changing from auradonion colours to her signature purple), so any insecurities there shouldve been wrapped up. and her lies in d3 were, ultimately, for the good of everyone, and only temporary. the barrier had to stay closed until they could figure out a way for it to be safe for everyone. if she had let them bring down the barrier too soon and a villain had caused chaos, then that would ruin the chances of the barrier ever coming down forever. and if she had told her friends - specifically evie - that it was her call, then she knew that evie would convince her to change her mind. but changing her mind at that point was not for the greater good, therefore she lied. as much as a small amount of it was for her reputation among her friends, it was also for the good of auradon and the isle

therefore i refuse to believe that muoat shouldve been focused wholly on her reputation. we know mal cares so much about her friends and about ben, so why didnt the song dive into that? why were we not looking at her guilt, or her determination to carry on so that she could save her loved ones and her home? why, instead, did we focus so hard on the way she wants to be remembered for her heroics and good deeds?

i also understand that mal may be compartmentalising to an extent, by ignoring her own grief for her friends and instead focusing her attention elsewhere to keep herself going. she very clearly does have insecurities about her decisions and her role in auradon, so it would make sense to distract herself with that rather than letting herself break down over her friends. if this was what they intended, though, i think it was poorly done. at least, i certainly wouldnt have brushed past it quite so nonchalantly. mal hardly seemed to care that her friends had been turned to stone after the first - what - two lines of the song? and even then all she says is that she deserves it. she deserves it?? like it had just been a shove in the playground or something, and not an attack on her loved ones - one that, remember, could very well result in her losing them forever

quite literally, her only lines in the song about losing her friends are: "here you are alone and you deserve it // your friends have turned to stone and thats on you" and that is it. everything else is about her story being written, or about serving a cause, or her reputation not being linked to her parents'

i really do not like this song. i havent watched d3 for over a year, so i do apologise if ive missed/forgotten important context, but from everything i remember and listening to the song itself, i do not believe it does the moment justice. i want to rewrite it one day, ive no idea if i ever will or how, but i dont like it the way it is.

[witchcraft-in-wonderland]

Strangers Au: Order of Terra (Pt.1)

-------------------------

Magic was. . . A tricky business, like trying to take down a lion with nothing more than your bare hands. The slightest mistake and you'd be sent home in a wooden box.

Larion had been attuned with magic since a very young age, so he held no apprehension in terms of wielding it.

But now that he was an adult, he wanted to do something. The only magic he'd done up to that point seemed trivial at most, he wanted something. . . More.

"Hey nerd whatcha looking at!" Larion jumped slightly as he heard the voice of one of his very limited amounts of friends.

"Nothing, Remona," said Larion, smiling slightly.

"What're all these necklaces for?" Remona said, walking over to a set of eight necklaces on Larion's desk.

"And why should I tell you dear duchess?" Larion replied, smirking.

"Because if you do I'll give you a little kiss on the cheek," Remona said with a grin.

Larion stood still for a moment, blush creeping up on his face.

"Alright, I'm working on giving them different abilities to form a guard for the kingdom," Larion said with a grin.

"Oooohhhh! Magic jewelry! That's certainly gonna go well!" Remona said, expression still stuck on a manic grin.

"I have a plan to keep them out of the hands of those who may misuse them, which now that I think about it, you may be able to help with. . ." Larion said, voice quieting toward the end of the sentence.

"Oh could I?" Remona said, tilting her head so that the wild curls that made up her mane fell to the side.

"Theres one person in particular that can never come into possession of these objects, least of all the necklace of the spider, that one should be saved for emergencies only, not even I would dare to touch it," Larion replied.

"Its Romulus isnt it?" Remona said, rolling her eyes and letting out a small huff.

"My apologies for bringing him up so suddenly, but as he is very arrogant and power-hungry, I'll need someone to assist me in keeping the necklaces from him," Larion said as he clasped the necklace shaped as a unicorn around his neck.

"Ooohhh! Does that mean I get one!" Said Remona with a grin.

"Perhaps it would be for the best, I suppose you could pick one, just keep away from the spider and wolf," Larion said. Remona reached out quickly to snatch an octopus necklace form the table.

"So what'd they do?" Remona said as she twisted the necklace in her palm.

"Mine allows me to control stars, as well as communicate across all language barriers," Larion replied.

"Oooooohhh! Does that mean you can talk to the rat that lives in my hair!" Remona said excitedly, earning a bewildered look from Larion.

"I'm joking specs! Geez!" Remona said, giggling.

"Oh- of course-" Larion replied, blushing.

"So what's mine do?" Remona asked.

"Control oceans and sea creatures," Larion said, flinching as Remona emitted a loud shriek of what he hoped was excitement.

"Oh this is gonna be so cool! We can fight crime like superheroes and stuff! Crime couple!!!" Remona said, placing a kiss on Larion's forehead.

"Oh- well uh- there is- one other person I've already invited- another Uhm- mage- to- well-" Larion had wanted to explain the plans he had with another mage, but his train of thought seemed to have stopped.

"Oh so it's a group effort!" Remona said, looking over to the necklaces again "I guess I shouldve figured that out sooner-" she said with a laugh.

The two were interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Remington, welcome!" Larion said, moving out of the way for the mage.

"Sorry I'm late babes, very important visitor from across the sea," said Remington, walking over to the table.

"Oh? Care to share with us?" Larion said quizzically as he walked over to the necklace table.

"Lady Viviana, daughter of some very famous witches, kinda fidgety, wears a lot of hoods," said Remington.

"Oh yes I've heard about her, perhaps I should invite her to join us?" Larion said.

"Oh she isnt magic, probably wouldnt care," Remington said with a shrug, picking up a fox necklace from the table.

"Ah, the fox necklace, power of sleep and disease," Larion said.

"Nah babes I just like it cuz its gray," said Remington, earning a laugh from Remona.

"Well if we're just color coding then why did I bother giving them individual abilities?-" Larion said, confused.

"Wait a minute! Lari it's perfect! If everythings color-coded that makes it so much easier!" Remona said excitedly.

"You- have a point Remona-" Larion said, holding a hand to his chin as he began to think.

The Order grew fairly quickly, as did the relationships within it, Larion and Remona got married fairly quickly to Jamillan, the fourth member. Remington and Larion had agreed to allow Remington's spouse, Emalei, to join under the order, and lastly was a baker named Pamela, wife of Lady Viviana, who's interest was primarily to protect her from a rising threat.

The threat in question, future king Romulus.

"Viviana hasnt been out in days because of him. . . He's threatened to lose down the bakery on multiple occasions, says it's because of health code violations, but I know the truth," Pamela said, voice sharp for someone so soft-looking.

"He tried to poison my wine when he came over! Only Jamillan is allowed to do that!" Remona said, draping herself across the aforementioned snakes lap.

They'd talked for a while, until the conversation was interrupted by a scream from outside.

"VIVIANA!" Pamela was the first to rush outside, only to witness Viviana locked in a fight with none other than Romulus himself, on horseback no less. And on Romulus' neck, the wolf necklace.

The order tried to chase after him, but it was no use, it was much to difficult to chase a horse on foot.

So instead they tried to formulate a plan and storm the castle.

And they would have been successful, had it not been for what awaited them in the throne room.

The King and Queen lay on their thrones, limp, slits in their necks, and Romulus lay across one of the two center chair.

And in the second chair, hands clutching the sides with such force her knuckles were turning white, eyes ablaze with a purple fire, and tied around her neck, the spider necklace.

Lady Viviana, or as Romulus thought of her, a weapon to be used against the order.

Larion wasnt sure what happened next, only that one second it was dark,and the next second hands that he wasnt moving were closed around Romulus' throat, and each of his friends leaving for different parts of the castle, their movements oddly robotic.

----------------------------------------------

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[tskumoyuuma]

ok .... so .. I watched endgame ... and I honestly dont kno how to feel. dont get me wrong, it was a good movie but there was so much stuff that's honestly giving me a headache rn. I'm gonna try to say my thoughts below but its prob gonna be disjointed so be warned n yea massive spoilers below obviously

ok stuff I liked included the massive battle scene at the end I cheered the shit out of that it was the best part of the movie hands down. jokes wer fairly well except for one major thing I'll get into. i also Loved sam getting the shield i screamed when that happened. i also think they did tony good like his death felt natural to me n fit w his character n at least he got to be really happy for five years n got to reunite w peter before he went n like hey he saved the universe too which i was scared was gonna go to steve which i would Not have liked. n yea that's.. p much it for stuff I really liked. most other scenes I was like meh or ?????

ok now shit I have Major issues w ......

1) ok let me get this out of the way now .... time travel always fucks w things. u can never use time travel unless u specifically planned for it since the beginning n even then u gotta be Very careful cause timeline shit is fragile. the whole "we gotta put the time stones back so the timelines dont get fucked EVEN THO BOTH GAMORA AND THANOS R NO LONGER IN THE PAST ANYMORE ??????" I'm sorry but I cant just let that go that's too much to ignore n the fact that steve went back n is still in that exact timeline means that the gamora thanos missing thing applies to that timeline too which would make no sense for infinity war n guardians of the galaxy. its is The biggest peeve I have n I really cant look past that. anyway moving on

2) speaking of the jokes, I Hated what they did to thor. his entire thing was a fat joke. they made him depressed n fat n purposefully ugly w that body prosthetic n played it for a joke. even his supposedly emotional scenes wer drowned out by jokes, n I hated it n was uncomfortable n i am so sad about what theyv done to him especially after ragnarok also fuck u even more u get TWO hammers whatevr

3) speaking of hammers WHY was steve able to pick up thors hammer now ??? like i get it looked cool but what exactly changed from age of ultron to now that had steve become worthy of picking up the hammer cause in my opinion he did nothing to warrant this (uh oh my anti steve side is showing)

4) i really think they shouldve either killed steve or didnt have him show up after going back w the stones cause one it would fix the time thing since hes the one thing thats proving that the whole film is one timeline n two it just i think would feel a lot better. like bucky obviously knew what steve was gonna do he wasnt surprised at all so when steve goes in n doesnt come back out have bucky hand sam the shield n a letter explaining why he didnt come back n that hes entrusting the cap name to same now. i kno it wouldnt have the same idk emotional satisfaction or whatever of having steve himself hand the shield over but i mean i didnt feel that i only felt joy for sam getting this title so i wouldv preferred it the other way just my thoughts on that

5) the whole natasha n clint fighting to see who jumps off the cliff for the soul stone scene was honestly ... really funny to me. like they were throwing things n physically fighting to get the chance to kill themselves n i was holding back laughter i really thought they were both gonna go over n whoops guess wer not getting the soul stone cause no ones left to grab it enfskkds plus i felt nothing when natasha died like it obviously shouldv been her cause she has no one (yea yea except the avengers or whatever blah blah) while clint has an entire family to save so yea not surprised there. (also small thing cause its mostly just me but did really no one kno the requirements for the soul stone ? like u kno gamora died there n thanos got the stone n u couldnt piece the pieces together enough to plan for this ?? whatever like i said its a small thing mostly me moving on)

6) i also think they should have killed more people than they did like going from infinity war to these two deaths felt strange especially w the big ass battle AND the building getting exploded like im sorry but the fact that NO ONE died from those missiles is just sonfjknsdjknfskjd nah

7) ALSO back to the stones thing HOW would steve put the soul stone back. HOW. n like he would have to go back to where they got it which is where red skull is. RED. SKULL. UR TELLING ME WE COULD HAVE SEEN THIS INTERACTION IT WOULD HAVE BEEN GOLD. its like they even though this whole bring the stones back plan was bullshit n couldnt find a way to actually do it so they didnt show it at all n was like “nah nah its fine its fine shh look steves old now” (but i guess it wouldnt even matter anyway cause after 2014 thanos is just gone from the timeline forever i guess)

8) also merged bruce hulk is real weird to me n i dont like it that much. his overall character was fine but the whole combined hulk n bruce thing was too much of a jump for me n one of the main pulls of bruces character is his dynamic w hulk so getting rid of that completely to just have ... one big strong smart green guy just made me lose interest in him real quick. plus he looks like shrek n i hate it. 

EDIT: 9) I ALMOST FORGOT n this also might be answered in far from home but the people who were dusted missed the whole five years right ?? wer still five years in the future from infinity war right ???? so how the fuck is far from home gonna go. r they just gonna be like uhhh no yea all the major student characters from homecoming wer dusted n thats why theyr all still in high school in this movie too n even if they do that what about all their classmates n shit who werent dusted ?? n the fact that prob the majority of the grade r people who were really five years younger than them but r now kinda the same age is fucking wild n i Need them to address this. honestly dont like that the time leap was so big i get they needed that time but also i think a year wouldv had the same affect while keeping the missed time of the dusted people at a low, two years tops would have been good for me but not five whole years. of course if they handle this well in future marvel movies then ill be fine but rn im skeptical 

listen ... i think as a plain just watching for entertainment movie, endgame is good. i enjoyed it as i was watching, but as soon as u even start thinking about the shit that happens in here it all just falls apart honestly. maybe im just running off my anger for the timeline shit n later i might come to appreciate the stuff i actually liked more, but these r my thoughts as of about four hours after watching it.

[godaime-obito]

My fill for @kakaobiweek2019 day 6:soulmates! Went for more angst this time. Available on ao3 and under the cut.

Obito’s always been a dreamer. Since he first found out what the hokage was he’s spent hours and hours of his life just imagining it. Being inaugurated to the sound of a cheering crowd, his clansmen all there, and even the clan head himself comes up to tell Obito how proud he is, that he always knew he could do it. When he learned about soulmates he started imagining that too. He’s not sure what they’re like, but he knows they’re perfect and it will be romantic, and, and… Well, he’s not sure, but it’ll be great.

Rin feels the same way about soulmates. Part of what makes them such perfect best friends is how much they have in common. They’re both hopeless romantics, both a bit too cheery, both stubborn, and they both get angry pretty easy, even if Rin’s way better at hiding it. Obito knows it would be easy to love Rin. He might already be love with her if it weren’t for their soulmates. The only way to tell who is your soulmate is by getting a scar. What if he gets a scar or Rin does, and the other doesn’t share it the way a soulmate would? He couldn’t handle the heartbreak, even though she really is the best, and it would be so easy to love her.

Soulmates and becoming hokage have drifted a bit from the forefront of his mind, since waking up in this cave. But, with Madara gone off somewhere deeper in the cave and Zetsu busy, Obito can finally think. He doesn’t have a mirror or anything to look at himself in, but he’s felt along his scars, especially on his face, and there’s one that doesn’t fit. A scar that cuts down over his empty left eye, right where Kakashi was hurt the last time Obito saw him. He’s certain none of the rocks hit him there, that it isn’t his scar, and the thought that his soulmate has been Kakashi all along has been buzzing around his head since he realized.

A new dream for him to imagine. To get him through being stuck here in this dark, awful, cave. He’s going to get out of this cave, and he’s going to get back to Konoha. When he reaches the gate, they’re waiting for him. Minato-sensei, Kushina-neechan, Rin, and Kakashi. Kakshi has a scar down his left eye, and Obito’s scar all over his right side. And it’s romantic, and it’s perfect, and the clan isn’t even upset he gave his eye away, because he gave it to his soulmate. It’s great. Everything will be great when he gets out, which he will. After all, Madara said he could leave when he was better.

Drip. Drip. He’s trying to picture it, but there’s water somewhere in this cave. He hadn’t noticed at first, but now that it’s quiet the sound is glaring. He wants it to stop, to get out of here, to never here another drip. If he ever hears a leaking faucet when he gets back he may go insane.

Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, Obito doesn’t have long to contemplate the dripping sound before Guruguru returns from wherever he’s been. Suddenly, there’s word on Rin and Kakashi, and he’s out of the cave. He leaves his new hand behind and runs, his teammates need him, he needs his teammates. He’s not sure how he manages to run so far so fast even encased in Guruguru, but Rin and Kakashi come into sight soon.

It’s not soon enough. What is happening? Why? Why would Kakashi? Obito should have left that cave sooner, he should’ve been faster. He should make these Kiri nin pay. He loses it a bit. That may be an understatement. He doesn’t really remember what happens next, or killing the shinobi. But he doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter. What matters anymore?

Drip. Drip. Blood is still falling somewhere nearby from the Kiri nin. There’s so much blood already on the ground he’s surprised to hear there’s still more to fall. Obito doesn’t want to lay Rin down in it, but he can’t hold her forever. Kakashi is already laying in it. The blood has flowed around and under him where he lays facedown. Obito’s indifference breaks, and he’s angry, furious like he’s never been before, and Kakashi was the one to put his hand through Rin. But…Kakashi still might be his soulmate, maybe there’s a reason, maybe everything isn’t lost.

Obito walks with Rin in his arms until there’s finally no more blood under his feet, and then puts here down gently. He positions her with care, and then slowly turns back to look at Kakashi. He walks toward him with trepidation, and every step feels like he’s walking on the bottom of the sea. Miles of water pressing down on him. He doesn’t know what outcome would be better anymore: Kakashi not having his scars, or having them. Obito kneels down by him, and flips him over with the same gentleness he just showed Rin.

It’s the same. The scar down his left eye, the swirling scars all over his right side. Obito pulls down his mask to be certain, and his bottom lip is bisected in the same place he can feel a scar cutting through his own lip. The blood is still dripping, the cave is still dripping, and Madara is waiting for him there. Kakashi is his soulmate, and Rin is dead. He killed her, but Obito can’t let go of him. Can’t let go of his soulmate. Madara’s talk of a perfect world echoes through his head, resounding besides the dripping. It’s not too late. He’ll pick up Kakashi, and he’ll take him back to Madara, and the three of them can create a better world together. Then Rin, Minato-sensei, and Kushina-neechan can great the two of them when they finally come home. And everything will be great.

Kakashi wakes up in an unfamiliar place. He can already tell this isn’t the hospital or Konoha at all. He does his best to listen and deduce what’s going on before anyone realizes he’s awake. It’s cold and quiet. He’s lying on a cot. Something is dripping in the distance, and closer than that someone is breathing. At this point he doesn’t have much to lose by just peaking a little with his uncovered eye to try and see who they are.

“Obito!” he yells, jerking up, all intent to remain silent abandoned at the sight of his teammates battered face. “Where have you been? Where are we now?” he asks.

Disconcertingly Obito just seems to stare at him in reply, as if he’s considering what to say or how much to admit. Kakashi had hoped at times, staring at Obito’s name at the memorial stone, that maybe all the scars on his right were from the rocks, were Obito’s. For that to be true, for the scars to be his, for them to be soulmates, he’d have to still be alive, and it had seemed impossible. A distant dream. But despite the unpleasant scenery, despite everything else, this must be Obito.

“Obito?”

“What happened Kakashi? Why?”

“Obito, I,” Kakashi stutters. Oh god, he must have seen. Rin, she’s dead, and he let her down, let Obito down. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. The sanbi, it was, it was in her. She, just, jumped in front of me. I didn’t mean to. I swear I would never. I…”

“Stop,” Obito cuts off his rambling attempt at an apology, an explanation. The blank look he’s giving Kakashi doesn’t shift. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault Kakashi,” he adds. Obito’s expression finally gentles, and he reaches his hand to Kakashi’s uncovered face, where he must have pulled down his mask while he was still asleep. He traces over their scars tenderly.

“It…isn’t?”

“All this time I’ve been here they’ve been telling me how worthless this world is, how much better we can do. I understand now that they’re right. I love you. You’re my soulmate, and I know we wouldn’t do that to Rin. This world killed her.”

Kakashi isn’t sure who ‘they’ is. His relief at being forgiven by Obito and the joy at his proclamation of love battle in his mind with his confusion at what’s going on and his worry. He wants to say something, do something, leave, but he doesn’t want to ever look away from Obito again. So instead he just stares silently and reaches his hand up to Obito’s face, mirroring the tender caressing of their scars.

Obito smiles at him, and if it wasn’t for something unsettling deep in his eye it would look just like his grins from before. “Kakashi won’t you stay with me? Won’t you reach for the perfect world together with me?” he pleads softly. He finally removes his hand from the scars, and steps back, extending both hands towards Kakashi in offering.

He isn’t sure what’s happening, what the perfect world is, or how Obito wants to reach it, but… A perfect world seems nice, after the day, week, year, life, Kakashi’s been having. Besides, he’s never leaving Obito behind again. “Of course,” he agrees. He grasps Obito’s hands, and he pulls him up off the cot and towards the darkened end of the cave, towards their future.

[mynarcissticex]

How it all begun... part of chapter 1.

Chapter 1 - The Megalomanical man.

I️ remember the first time I️ looked at him with admiration, the first of many butterflies. I realise that was just my defense mechanisms telling me he’s toxic...

I️ remember the first time our lips touched each other’s like he was the only man in the world for me.

I️ remember the first time we expressed our love for each other, and how perfectly in sync we were as we said it.

I️ remember the first time I️ met his mum and how nice she was until she started enabling her son.

I️ remember so many great firsts during the lovebombing stage, but went onto less and less great memories and the abuse just got worse as time went on.

but what I️ don’t remember is The first lie.

The first sign of him cheating the countless times and red flags I missed From the start because I knew then But I chose to ignore them,

The first time he verbally attacked me a month into dating when I told him I was previously sexually abused and he kicked off and degraded me rather than understanding and left me in a hotel room crying inconsolably.

The first time he would stand over me and talk down to me.

The first time he started ramping up his verbal abuse.

When he begun sexually abusing me which I had no idea back then. the first time he forced anal sex onto me in our suite on my 30th birthday, the first time he tried shoving his manhood down my throat, when he pulled my hair hard during sex, slapped me round the face during sex, Spanked me until my arse was red roar and told me not to be a “pussy” about it so I complied to keep the peace trying to satisfy him but he would still complain I wasn’t good enough in bed but looking back he wasn’t and I was blamed for it, each of his ex’s I know and have spoken to all said he was shit in bed and they was right, he treated us like meat not humans. He was extremely rough and hard there was no compassion and mutual connection he withheld sex, always was on his terms, he never made me orgasm I had to pretend in the fear of upsetting him as of course he asked me how many times did I orgasm and sometimes I’d say 8 I mean He really believed that and he would feel so damn superior and smirk and do this grin of I’m so “godlike” it was cringe to say the least.

He was The first person who made me feel inferior whilst wanting me to make him feel superior.

The first time he told me I’ll kill you and disguised it as an joke Or the first time he said he would/shouldve.

The first public fight where’d I️’d whisper begging him to stop to not start a scene as he followed me up the road laughing and smirking at me and belittling me late at night on the street as I threatened to leave and go home.

The first scene he made outside a hotel whilst we were smoking because his mood swings were always so insidious and I asked him why he always had to ruin What was meant to be quality time together.

The first time he broke my Expensive and some of my sentimental possessions because I called him out for being nasty to me for no reason.

The first time I realised his love was all a lie in year 3 when his mask slipped and he told me he was “incapable of loving” “I never loved you” and he was right and I failed to listen.

The first time I️ begged him to stay with me over the woman he left me for.

All the times he gave me the silent treatment as punishment for his wrongdoings.

The breaks we had and me keep fighting for him when I should of left

The times he would use pity stories to prevent me from leaving him.

The guilt tripping.

The taking me for granted from the offset making me pay for everything, food, clothing, when I was struggling financially.

The first time he told me I️ wasn’t good enough fit enough and I was an ugly fat bitch.

The first hole in the wall I️ had to patch or the first electronics I️ had to replace that he smashed up.

The first time I️ lied for him to protect everyone from the truth......etc.

When he just came back to me to manipulate me out of a motorbike and all the money he could get his grubby little paws on, in total about £80k of my inheritance was wasted on changing my life around for him.

I spent the last 6 years of my life only seeing what I️ wanted to see, despite living the abuse and toxicity. I️ painted the most beautiful picture of him to everyone whilst living the horror.

Never once did I️ label myself in another domestic Abuse relationship. I thought abuse was only ever physical...

For every first, there was countless seconds, thirds and so on. I️ didn’t see him as an abuser at first just an immature crazy guy who lacked experience and maybe needed to grow with time, I️ saw him as my partner, someone I️ needed and someone who needed me. I️ thought I️ could fix him.

That he just needed someone there for him to truly care for him. I️ blurred out those memories every time and continued with the picture of our future. I️ thought if no one knew, it wasn’t a big deal. It was just one of those relationship problems we work on together But he never wanted to because he was only banging me for the cash all along.

For five years I️ tried to help create a better version of a “man”, or at least better than what he started out as. A better image. I stood by his side through every battle imaginable financial & emotional abuse, sexual abuse, pure misogyny countless cheating with now what I believe to be women/transgenders, pathological lying, manipulation, and the list Just could go on. I️ tried to love him every second of those five years.

My love was deeper for him than it was for myself. I️ only saw what I️ wanted to see then whilst battling another nightmare that nobody knew about, Just to lose everything I suffered for but for what? He proved in the end that he never loved me when he discarded me twice in 2019 in the most unceremonious ways... no remorse no empathy just left me in the grave he dug for me...

That’s a question I’m still trying to find an answer for. Towards the end of it all, I️ finally for once in those five years had a feeling of safety, maybe I thought he was the one to save me not destroy me, That maybe there was going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Just to learn he was probably still cheating on me during our time living together, as he gives me reassurance about the same woman I️ was worried about. Still the same person he was from the start, but I️ kept convincing myself that he would be different After all I sacrificed for him. The sense of safety was just because he got better at playing me. But I finally saw the Megalomanical man whilst we lived together his disorders were so crystal clear...

People don’t understand why people stay in domestic Abusive relationships. That’s because there is no understanding. It’s deeper than the surface, unconditional love is a horrible thing. Love should be conditional. Otherwise you could find yourself like me. 6 years ago I would say it could never be me not again I already suffered at the hands of 2 narcissists on different spectrums beforehand. I’ve defended and tried to help others leave abuse in the past. It’s not something comprehendible until you find yourself living it, and even still than it doesn’t make sense. It’s like you’re blind to you’re own life. Never again will I️ ignore a red flag, think I️ can change a man or love someone more than myself.

Everyday for the last 7 months post discard I have recognized the reality that I spent five years covering up. I️ want to heal, but in order to heal one must hurt. I️ wanted to skip that process, not acknowledge all that truly happened the past five years and only look at the good. I️ won’t do that to myself anymore. The good was only there because of me, because I️ put my everything in and never once did he deserve an ounce of my love.

I’ve kissed this man with a face of tears he caused, I’ve reassured my love for him after he’s hurt me. I’ve been his friend to fight his own demons, despite the amount of hurt it caused me inside. I’ve set aside my own feelings to always care for his. I’ve helped build every part of him while he continued to destroy each part of me. I’ve begged and pleaded for him and watched him be with another woman whilst my heart was breaking to pieces, when it should of been a blessing that he did leave me that time and I should of never of taken him back, trauma bonded or not.

The feelings I had never made sense. I would love this man even after I was terrified of him. I would love this man, but still hide away drinking myself to death every time I felt I knew an argument was coming. I would love this man, but I never trusted him. He showed why I should never trust him. He showed me why I should be afraid of him. He showed me so many things, except a reason to stay... but I still did. This was a man I️ would’ve gave my last breathe for, but chances are he’d be the one taking it from me.

The intent of this book isn’t to just expose him but rather expose the truth behind every cute post or picture I️ splatted for years. For me to acknowledge the truth and the reality. To shed light on domestic violence and how easily it can go unnoticed. Even by the person living it. And for me most of all, to stop protecting my abuser when he chose to be that way and stay that way despite the help I wanted to get him.

I️ am ready to start a new chapter of my life, the only way to do that was to stop skipping over the lines of the last one.

[razzledazzlefoshazzle]

1-200?

200:

My crush’s name is: Cassie

199:

I was born in: 1998, Australia, NSW

198:

I am really: I am really annoyed that you wanna know so much about me anon y u do dis

197:

My cellphone company is: Optus

196:

My eye color is: Brown

195:

My shoe size is: 11 Australia Mens

194:

My ring size is: i dont know

193:

My height is: 181cm or 5′10″ i tihnk

192:

I am allergic to: NOTHING I AM UNSTOPPABLE

191:

My 1st car was: No Car

190:

My 1st job was: I was an assistant at some guys authentic pizza shop. He was an asshole and i shouldve killed him before quitting.

189:

Last book you read: Ready Player One

188:

My bed is: My bed is my one true love and warm machine luv u bb

187:

My pet:  I have 2 dogs they’re fluffy love muffins called Pepsi (boy) Bella (Girl) ill post photos of them later!

186:

My best friend:

@schotts-fired

at this point i have as many memes with Kat as i do my real life best friend.

185:

My favorite shampoo is: Really nice smelling ones.

184:

Xbox or ps3: PS3

183:

Piggy banks are: Piggy banks are dumb i have a golden pineapple for my spare change.

182:

In my pockets:  earphones.

181:

On my calendar: every friday i do stuff but thats it

180:

Marriage is: cool

179:

Spongebob can: produce good memes

178:

My mom: Isnt nice i probably wont talk to her once i move out.

177:

The last three songs I bought were?Buying? Songs?

176:

Last YouTube video watched: Masculinity by Mr Sark

175:

How many cousins do you have? at least 3

174:

Do you have any siblings? 3 Brothers and a Sister ive seen twice

173:

Are your parents divorced? Yes

172:

Are you taller than your mom? Hell yeah shes a goblin at like 150cm.

171:

Do you play an instrument? No

170:

What did you do yesterday? I slept, watched movies, complained about the internet being down.

[ I Believe In ]

169:

Love at first sight: Not unless its a dog

168:

Luck: No but if someone does something better than me they’re lucky >:(

167:

Fate: No

166:

Yourself: No

165:

Aliens: I wish they would fix everything

164:

Heaven: Questioning my religious beliefs lately

163:

Hell: ^

162:

God: ^

161:

Horoscopes: No but they’re funny to read

160:

Soul mates: No.

159:

Ghosts: NOT BUT LIKE ALIENS I WANT THEM TO BE REAL GHOSTS PLEASE BE REAL.

158:

Gay Marriage: Yah its about as good as straight marriage

157:

War: its about as shit as i am

156:

Orbs: what are these?

155:

Magic: Refer to both ghosts and aliens.

[ This or That ]

154:

Hugs or Kisses: Hugs

153:

Drunk or High: Drunk

152:

Phone or Online: Online

151:

Red heads or Black haired: Red Heads

150:

Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes

149:

Hot or cold: Cold

148:

Summer or winter: Winter

147:

Autumn or Spring: Spring

146:

Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate

145:

Night or Day: Night

144:

Oranges or Apples: Apples

143:

Curly or Straight hair: Straight

142:

McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds

141:

White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: White Chocolate

140:

Mac or PC: PC

139:

Flip flops or high heals: High heals like healing in video games am i right?

138:

Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Sweet and Poor

137:

Coke or Pepsi: Coke

136:

Hillary or Obama: Obama

135:

Burried or cremated: Burried so i may rise again!

134:

Singing or Dancing: Dancing

133:

Coach or Chanel: What

132:

Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks:Who

131:

Small town or Big city: Big City

130:

Wal-Mart or Target: Target

129:

Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Adam Sandler

128:

Manicure or Pedicure: neither? 

127:

East Coast or West Coast: East coast cause western australia is a bunch of weirdos

126:

Your Birthday or Christmas: My birthday cause giving gifts is hard and spending time with people is easy.

125:

Chocolate or Flowers:Chocolate

124:

Disney or Six Flags: Disney

123:

Yankees or Red Sox: is that sports?

[ Here’s What I Think About ]

122:

War: War Never Changes

121:

George Bush: He definitely did sleep with that woman.

120:

Gay Marriage: Good again!

119:

The presidential election: Trump is a rollercoaster of emotion ranging from bad to worse. At least the memes are good!

118:

Abortion: Choice

117:

MySpace: Had some pretty good games on it

116:

Reality TV: awful

115:

Parents:  My parents? Out of the 4 ive had i like one of them.

114:

Back stabbers: What kind of question is this i hate them.

113:

Ebay: Dont use ebay really.

112:

Facebook: The thing i use so real life friends can contact me its trash.

111:

Work: My experiences have been, less than pleasant.

110:

My Neighbors: I dont know any of my neighbours but they’re rude and dont reply to my hello’s.

109:

Gas Prices: i dont fucking know

108:

Designer Clothes: I dont care for clothes i wear tshirts and trackies all the time.

107:

College: No opinion on call egg.

106:

Sports: Fun to play boring to watch

105:

My family: i like my dad and my brothers

104:

The future: must be better than now?

[ Last time I ]

103:

Hugged someone: someone i wasnt related to like a month ago

102:

Last time you ate: literally always

101:

Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: last friday

100:

Cried in front of someone: fucking years ago i dont cry in front of people anymore

99:

Went to a movie theater: like a month ago

98:

Took a vacation: never

97:

Swam in a pool: 3 months ago

96:

Changed a diaper: never

95:

Got my nails done: a year ago

94:

Went to a wedding: also a year ago

93:

Broke a bone: never

92:

Got a peircing: never

91:

Broke the law: never

90:

Texted: couple hours ago

[ MISC ]

89:

Who makes you laugh the most: myself, anime

@schotts-fired

88:

Something I will really miss when I leave home is: the internet

87:

The last movie I saw: Taking of Pelham 123

86:

The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Finding my happiness again

85:

The thing im not looking forward to: my ex making social interactions awkward again

84:

People call me: Jack

83:

The most difficult thing to do is: get out of bed, finish breakfast

82:

I have gotten a speeding ticket: no

81:

My zodiac sign is: Sagittarius 

80:

The first person i talked to today was:

@whoneedsasociallife

79:

First time you had a crush: Primary School one of my Teachers

78:

The one person who i can’t hide things from: Nobody.

77:

Last time someone said something you were thinking: Constantly

76:

Right now I am talking to: Nobody

75:

What are you going to do when you grow up: Anything hopefully ill be happy

74:

I have/will get a job: Someday

73:

Tomorrow: Movies with dad, night with friends

72:

Today: nothing

71:

Next Summer: nothing

70:

Next Weekend: also nothing

69:

I have these pets: 2 diggity doggos

68:

The worst sound in the world: the sound my computer makes when it bluescreens while music it playing

67:

The person that makes me cry the most is: my ex

66:

People that make you happy: almost nobody

65:

Last time I cried: like 5 hours ago

64:

My friends are: trash shit garbage

63:

My computer is: absolute trash after so many issues im planning on getting a new one

62:

My School: sucked complete ass i was abused by a teacher

61:

My Car: doesnt exist

60:

I lose all respect for people who: no answer

59:

The movie I cried at was: anything that involves any form of friendship and love, or dogs dying

58:

Your hair color is: brown

57:

TV shows you watch: read my about

56:

Favorite web site: tumblr/youtube

55:

Your dream vacation: the fucking moon

54:

The worst pain I was ever in was: I had a cough last year that completely killed my voice and tore up my throat, coughed up blood

53:

How do you like your steak cooked: Well Done

52:

My room is: Clean and tidy af

51:

My favorite celebrity is: none

50:

Where would you like to be: in the future

49:

Do you want children: no

48:

Ever been in love: yes it fucking ruined me

47:

Who’s your best friend:

@schotts-fired

we already have more memes than my irl best friend

46:

More guy friends or girl friends: girl friends

45:

One thing that makes you feel great is: memes

44:

One person that you wish you could see right now: nobody tbh

43:

Do you have a 5 year plan: nope

42:

Have you made a list of things to do before you die: climb Mt. Everest, thats it

41:

Have you pre-named your children: nope

40:

Last person I got mad at: myself

39:

I would like to move to: a place with good internet

38:

I wish I was a professional: Twitch Streamer

[ My Favorites ]

37:

Candy: Red Licorice

36:

Vehicle: Shopping trolleys i guess

35:

President: Obama

34:

State visited: I dont travel

33:

Cellphone provider: Optus

32:

Athlete: None

31:

Actor: None

30:

Actress: None

29:

Singer: None

28:

Band: None

27:

Clothing store: None

26:

Grocery store:None

25:

TV show: Doctor Who

24:

Movie: Cant remember

23:

Website: Tumblr/Youtube

22:

Animal: Dogs

21:

Theme park: Wet n’ Wild

20:

Holiday: New Years

19:

Sport to watch: None

18:

Sport to play: None

17:

Magazine: None

16:

Book: Ready Player One

15:

Day of the week: Friday

14:

Beach: Nobbys Beach 

13:

Concert attended: None

12:

Thing to cook: Potato Bake

11:

Food: Pork Ribs

10:

Restaurant: Any place that sells pork ribs

9:

Radio station: None.

8:

Yankee candle scent: what

7:

Perfume: no

6:

Flower: any that can go in my hair like a hipster

5:

Color: Purple

4:

Talk show host: John Oliver

3:

Comedian: Louis C.K.

2:

Dog breed: Shiba Inu

1:

Did you answer all these truthfully? maybe i dont know myself

Fuck you anon you cant stop me im dedicated as heck and butts fight me.

:Update: I went and updated these cause my internet came back!