#loooong hair that i would tuck into you to try and pretend my hair was short

[andiv3r]

Wearing a beanie againnn... ouuu that brought back memories

[lngstoryshrt]

& it burns like a gin and i like it

Pairing: steve rogers x reader

Words: 4216

Warnings: swearing, smut, drinking, mentions of grief

Summary: post-endgame, grief induced arguing and making up

A/N: this is a prompt i did for @starksparker ‘s summer writing challenge! my prompt was “is that my shirt?”. it’s the first thing i’ve posted here and the first thing i’ve written in a loooong time so be gentle please! i want to write more so if anyone has any requests please feel free. (:

It was a funny thing, grief. 

It manifested in different ways for everyone. Peter had taken the weight of the world on his shoulders, Atlas holding up a crumbling sky. Steve had taken over as leader of the Avengers, trying to rebuild a world that had been at the mercy of their enemies. Scott had gone back to his family. Thor had run off to space. And you were doing your best to find the bottom of a bottle. 

You didn’t give a shit anymore. Didn’t care for support groups, didn’t care for holding hands and singing kumbaya and being so fucking happy to be so fucking lucky to still be alive. Your sister was dead - or, the closest thing you’d had to a sister was dead, her blood nothing but a splatter on some fucking stone on some planet you didn’t know existed. The person responsible for plucking you off the street and giving you a home and a team was dead, too - Tony Stark had given everything to save the world from Thanos, and now all you had left was survivor’s guilt and a job you didn’t give a shit about anymore. Or so you told yourself.

Whisky in hand you dropped onto the couch in Steve’s apartment - if such a word could even be used for it. It was massive, bought with the money Tony had left behind for the Avengers. The compound had too many shitty memories, and rather than rebuild they had left it for nature to reclaim and moved themselves back to Manhattan. The penthouse apartment they resided in now was big, and empty, and filled with ghosts. Ghosts that followed them wherever they went. 

“You can’t have whisky for dinner again.” Your eyes rolled automatically, hand twisting the top of the bottle off and bringing it to your lips as you flicked your gaze to the source of judgement. Steve was looking back at you, shoulders tense, back straight, arms crossed over his chest. The bags under his eyes had bags of their own, dark purple maring the normally perfect face that was an ever constant presence in your life. 

You knew he was trying to help - knew that his words were born out of concern, but the fire in you burned stronger than your empathy and you sneered. “I can do whatever the fuck I want, Rogers. We aren’t on mission and you’re not my daddy. I don’t have to do what you tell me.” You watched the muscles in his jaw work, biting down on the warmth that burned through your stomach seeing it. You had eyes - you might hate him right now, but you hadn’t always, and the times that you hadn’t hated him you had spent fantasizing about making him come undone beneath you. 

One hand rubbing over his jaw he took a breath through his nose, centering himself before he looked back at you. He knew you were grieving. Knew that you were struggling with the loss of your best friend and mentor, so he had been trying to give you the space that you needed. But weeks of watching you lose yourself in whiskey and strangers had put him at the edge of his limit. You were going to kill yourself if you didn’t get it together and he wasn’t going to sit around and wait for it to happen. He had lived through enough of it. Crossing the room and snatching the bottle out of your hand he took a step back, screwing the cap back onto it as he looked at you. 

Red filtered across your vision, hands curled into fists as you stood. “You’re such a self-righteous piece of shit, Rogers.” The venom in your voice could kill, your feet carrying you a step forward as you continued to speak, mouth moving of its own accord. “Thinking you’re better than the rest of us, walking around here like you own the place. You don’t say shit about Parker working constantly, running around the city. You didn’t say shit about Thor running away from all of his problems. You - you haven’t even grieved. Do you just not give a shit about Tony and Natasha? Are you just glad that you can be in charge of the Avengers now that they’re out of the picture? Is that what you wanted?” 

The words were a low blow - you knew that the second that they left your mouth, and you couldn’t even blame them on the liquor you’d only taken a sip of. The muscles in his jaw tightened, aggravation flashing across his face. He had been willing to be understanding and supportive, but he had reached his limits. He had loved Natasha and Tony more than anything - he had spent the past few weeks doing everything he could to honor their memory and not fall to pieces every time he thought about their sacrifices and how he hadn’t been able to get Natasha back when he’d returned the stone. 

Slamming the whisky bottle onto the table so hard that it cracked, he moved forward until he stood directly in front of you, forcing you to tip your head back to look at him. Tears were swimming in your vision - you couldn’t fucking stand that you cried every time you got mad - but you blinked them away rapidly, the furious rise and fall of your chest mimicking his. “You get to be angry, but you do not get to insinuate that I am not grieving.” His voice was sharp, angry. You had never heard him like that. “Not all of us have the luxury of drinking ourselves into oblivion every night and falling into bed with the first person we come across.” 

He had the responsibility of running the Avengers Initiative - of trying to rebuild the world that they had saved but left broken, and cracked. He felt responsible, and he couldn’t rest until he knew that he had done everything he could to help as many people as was possible. You - you hadn’t done anything since the funerals. No help, no rebuilding. You had joined the Avengers to do good in the world and make up for your past wrongs, but then you’d lost the only family you had, and you couldn’t care to help a world that had robbed you like that. 

“You’re an asshole.” You spit the words out but they fell flat, tears pushing at your eyes, the pressure building in your sinuses. “I can’t fucking stand you. I want nothing to do with you.” It was a lie - you wanted everything to do with him. Steve had been your rock in the months that you had spent adjusting to being in the compound. He had been there every time you’d woken up, screaming in the middle of the night. He’d been there to bandage your hands or massage a knot out of your shoulders when you trained too hard. He’d been there after Stark’s first party, when pretending you were fine had ended up in one too many whisky sours and you puking your guts up in the first floor bathroom. He’d held your hair for hours before tucking you into bed. 

If you were going to tell the truth, you had always held a softer spot for Steve than the rest of the Avengers. You had helped search for Bucky, had believed him with the Accords. Had chosen to go with him to Wakanda when Bucky couldn’t trust his own mind. You had been there to distract him in the aftermath, had helped him grieve when you’d lost against Thanos and he’d had his best friend stolen from him once again. You would do it all over again, if you had the chance. But right now, you hated him and everything that he stood for. 

He would be lying if he said that the words didn’t sting. There was a part of him that desperately wanted to believe that you didn’t mean them in any way. He had been taking care of you for years - had let you take care of him in the times where he’d pretended that he didn’t need a single thing. You had known, though, that he was lying. That he did need someone. Losing Bucky so many times...it had been hell on Earth. And you had always been there, pressing water into his hand or a plate of warm food, forcing him to take care of himself when he ran himself ragged taking care of the rest of the team. 

He had thought that the feelings he felt for you, unacknowledged though they were, were the same feelings that you felt for him. He had thought that the softness in your eyes when you looked at him meant the same thing that it did when he looked at you in the mornings, hair a mess and eyeliner smudged under your eyes. 

He remembered the exact moment that he’d first realized what he felt for you. You’d had one too many at Stark’s party, trying to burn away the pain he could see in your eyes. He’d followed you to the bathroom when you’d bolted, had held your hair out of your face as you’d lost the contents of your stomach. He’d sat on the cold tile floor with your head in his lap for hours, wave after wave of nausea hitting you until there was nothing left. He’d tucked you into bed after that, and with your mascara rimming your eyes and your body curled in on itself under the blankets he had realized he cared for you far more than he’d thought. That the way he felt about you was different than the way he felt about the rest of the team. 

Jaw clenching, he took a step backwards, putting space between the two of you. Guilt seeped through your chest, and you looked down, eyes burning again, but this time with regret. I’m sorry. The words hovered on the tip of your tongue but you couldn’t say it, teeth latching onto your bottom lip when it trembled. “You can leave at any time. No one’s forcing you to stay here.”

The words hurt - you hoped to God he didn’t mean them, but you weren’t even sure you believed in higher powers anymore, not after all that you’d seen. You couldn’t blame him for saying what he had, not when you deserved that and more for the things that you’d said to him. “You’d like that wouldn’t you?” Your guard was back up, venom lacing your words as you glanced up at him through wet lashes. “Anyone who gets in the way of the perfect Captain America isn’t worth shit.” 

He lunged forward, hand wrapping around your throat, forcing your gaze to stay on him. You didn’t shy away, didn’t fight him, didn’t move in the slightest. Your breath came out faster, not because you were scared of him, but because of the warmth burning through your veins. A flush spread across your cheeks as you shifted your weight to press your legs together, trying to alleviate the tension between your thighs. 

Your gaze dropped to his lips and you heard him swallow, the sound loud in the quiet of the room. His eyes roved across your face, taking note of where your gaze was before mimicking it, dropping to lips that still had teeth marks from where you’d bitten on it a few minutes before. 

“Don’t be a coward.” You whispered, eyes flicking back up to his, challenge written in every syllable. You wanted this - you needed this. His eyes locked onto yours, fire burning behind cerulean blue before his lips were on yours. It was hard - all tongue and teeth as he pressed against you. You responded in kind, pushing against him, standing on your tiptoes to get closer. Your hands clawed at his back, pulling him closer against you as his hand slid to the back of your neck, thumb against your pulse. 

There was a part of him that felt wrong about this - being goaded into acting the way that he was now, but as his fingers involuntarily tightened against your neck and you moaned, that thought flitted out of his mind. He’d be lying if he said that this was the first time that he had ever imagined what that sounded like, and nothing could have prepared him for the sound of the real thing. It was echoing in his brain, coupled with the sweet taste of you as he kept pressing forward until your legs hit the edge of the couch and you collapsed onto the cushions. 

The weight on him on top of you, pressed between your thighs, had you groaning, the sound muffled against his lips. Your heart was hammering in your chest, the sound reverberating in his ears as he ground his hips against you, cock pressing against his pants, against you, as you moaned in his ear. “Jesus, fuck, Steve.”

He had been waiting for so long to hear you make a noise like that, his hips faltering as he pressed his forehead against yours. “You keep making noises like that and this isn’t gonna last.” His voice was low, gruff, chest heaving as he pulled back to look at you. With your hair mussed and your lips swollen and chapped he thought that he’d never seen anyone who looked more half goddess half hell. 

“We should move anyway. Peter’s gonna be home any second and he doesn’t need to see your face between my thighs - fuck.” His hips rutting against yours shattered your concentration, cutting your sentence off with a weak gasp that left your cheeks flushing. 

Sparing half a moment to stare at you, Steve shifted off of the couch and slung you over his shoulder, throwing the door to his room open and pressing it shut with your body, ensuring that you pressed against every inch of his body on the way down.

There were a thousand things that should be said, a million different words that had gone unsaid for years. The way that you felt about him, the way that you would have given absolutely anything to absolve him of the pain the blip had caused. What you knew, though, was that there had been too many things that you had said in the past few months that couldn’t be absolved by your tongue in his mouth. You had pushed too far - and this was the breaking point. Something you had wanted for years that would never become anything more.

“You gonna fuck me, Rogers, or should I go down the hall and look for Buc-“ His lips crashed against yours, tongue sliding between your teeth, fighting against yours. 

You were so lost in the kiss you didn’t notice his hands at your shirt until he tore it off you, buttons flying across the room as the cold are greeted your bare breasts. The gasp that tore out of you shifted into a high pitched groan when his lips slid down to your neck, nipping hard enough to leave a mark before his tongue trailed down to your chest. 

Alternating between sucking and biting, his fingers dipped under the fabric of your leggings, pulling your underwear down with them. He dropped to his knees, eyes on you the entire time. You raised an eyebrow in challenge, chest heaving as he leaned forward to nose against your thigh. Holding still, you watched him, thinking about all of the times that you had imagined what it would be like to see Steve Rogers on his knees for you. Blonde hair mussed, hands on your thighs holding you up.

Reality was better than anything you could’ve imagined.

Leaning forward, he nosed along your thigh, breathing in deeply. Your breath shook but you didn’t move, though everything in your body told you to move forward and make him move where you wanted him most. He took his time, pressing his lips to your thighs, nipping at the skin above your hip bone, trailing his tongue across the length of your hip. Your breath was coming faster and faster, self-control faltering as you jerked your hips forward, fisting your hands in his hair. “Steve-“

“Beg.” His voice was dry, almost cruel as he flicked his gaze upwards towards you, tongue darting out to tease where you wanted it most, flicking over your clit but withdrawing just as quickly. Your head fell back against the wall, a resounding thud echoing through the room as you scrunched your eyes shut. Everything in you told you to do it, but your pride said otherwise, fighting against begging him for what you want. 

Tugging on his hair to vent your frustration you groaned, one that practically ended in a scream as he leaned forward to bite against your thigh, sucking a mark into the skin as you shifted. “Fuck - goddammit I can’t stand you.”

He chuckled, sliding fingers between your lips, gathering the wetness that was pooling there to tease at your entrance for half a second before pulling away. Taking a deep breath you whined, sliding one hand to grasp at his jaw, forcing him to look up at you.

“Please. Please do something. Make me cum until I don’t know my name. Make me fucking forget, please just fucking do. It.” He leaned forward immediately, hands tightening on your hips to keep you where he wanted you, mouth ravaging you. You groaned, fingers tightening in his hair, your eyes falling shut. This was heaven, this was a blissful oblivion you had never known existed. This was more than you could have ever hoped for, more than you had ever thought possible, his fingers sliding into you as his lips wrapped around your clit, sucking until you saw stars, orgasm crashing over you harder than you thought possible. Your legs gave out, Steve’s hands all that kept you standing. 

It wasn’t until he resurfaced with a shit eating grin that you realized how much noise you were making. Shoving him backwards, you kept going until he collapsed onto the bed in a heap. Your hands went to his belt, undoing it and ripping it through the loops before throwing it across the room. The shattering of glass as it hit a lamp barely registered in your ears as you unbuttoned his jeans, leaning down to lick at the strip of bare skin showing between his jeans and his shirt.

The noise that he made - a whimper that filled the room went straight to your core, your hands moving faster. Tugging his jeans and boxers down your hand immediately wrapped around his length, marveling at the size. “Just get up here.” His voice cracked as he sat up, pulling you into his lap. You slid your hands under his shirt, lifting it up and over his head before colliding your lips with his. It was softer - slower, his hands gliding over your sides before he moved you onto the bed, body pressing you into the mattress. You could feel every inch of him against you, his cock pressing against your thigh. 

All of a sudden you felt like you couldn’t breathe - the weight of what was happening crashing over you like a thousand waves at once. You had thought about this a thousand times - imagine what it would be like to have the great Steve Rogers fuck you until you didn’t know your name. But when he looked at you, fire gone from his eyes and replaced with a gentleness you weren’t prepared for, your heart shattered in your chest. 

You regretted every barb you had thrown his way, ever mean word you had said against him in the months that you had been grieving. Pulling his mouth down to yours you tried to convey those emotions, you tried to show how much this meant with just your lips pressed against his. 

“Are you sure?” He asked you, lips hovering against yours. His eyes shone bright, blue overwhelming you until it was all you could see. 

“Yes.” You whispered, voice cracking with the weight of the word as you slid your hand down his back, pulling him into you as he jerked his hips forward, sliding into you with a groan. A whimper fell from your lips, goading him into kissing you with everything he had.

He kept it slow, ensuring you felt every inch of him sliding in and out of you, breath rushing out of you with whimpers and groans, your nails leaving marks down his entire back. You couldn’t pull him close enough, couldn’t get enough of his body pressed against you. He was swallowing you whole, dragging you down into depths you never wanted to come back from.

His hand sliding between your bodies and circling your clit was all it took for your orgasm to crash over you again, a cry leaving you muffled by his mouth hovering against yours. He swallowed the sounds you made like they were nectar from the Gods, the sounds and the feeling of you tightening around him pushing him over the edge. 

You felt him cum, his teeth latching onto your shoulder, a groan pressed into your skin. The weight of his body on yours was the most comforting thing you had ever felt, your nails lightly trailing against the back of his neck. This was the calm after the storm, the anger drained out of you by the sight of a mussy-haired Steve Rogers looking at you through sated eyes. Pressing a kiss to your lips he shifted, wrapping himself around you from behind and nosing the skin behind your ear. 

He would take this one moment, if this was all he had. He would cling to one night with you and make his peace with it in the morning. But right now, there was nothing that could make him let you go. Sinking into the warmth of his embrace, you gave into the exhausting pulling at your bones, drifting into the first peaceful sleep you’d had in months.

The morning came quickly, your eyes adjusting to the dim early light, trying to make sense of the foreign room and the weight of the arm wrapped around you. Turning, you saw Steve - sound asleep and snoring just barely, his face the most relaxed you’d ever seen it. Sliding out from under his arm you watched him for a moment. 

What you did next would determine everything. You could pretend the night hadn’t happened and go back to hiding in a never ending cycle of grief and hatred. Or you could lean into what was happening, apologize for your wrongs and desperately hope that together you could get through anything. 

Snagging Steve’s shirt from the floor you slipped it over your head and padded into the kitchen, spotting Peter’s bookbag and Bucky’s boots by the door. It was a dysfunctional family - a little traumatized, a little dented. But still standing. 

Spooning coffee grounds into the filter of the coffee maker you whipped together the simplest breakfast you could think of - pancakes. It only took a few minutes to make yours and Steve’s breakfast, setting the rest on a plate in the oven and leaving a note for the rest of the apartment’s inhabitants before you grabbed your breakfast tray and snuck back into the bedroom.

As the door clicked back into place Steve woke, rubbing sleep from his eyes and turning to find you, catching sight of you standing with breakfast clutched in your hands. “Is that my shirt?” His voice was gruff, inquisitive but with a tone of hopefulness in his voice as you stepped closer, maneuvering the tray carefully as you clambered onto Steve’s lap, straddling him and setting the tray into place.

“Apology pancakes.” You told him, tucking a strand of hair behind your hair and picking up your coffee cup, the warmth seeping into your fingertips. “I’ve been a bitch the last few months. I’ve said...so many awful things that you don’t deserve. And last night, I - I went way too far.” The words were spoken into the reflection of your coffee, anxiety setting your heart rate accelerating. 

His face fell slightly, heart sinking as he tried to regain composure. He had hoped that last night had been a breaking point for the dam of emotions between you - that you could be together, that you could fight to make things work together instead of separately. 

Running a finger over the rim of the cup you looked up at him, finally, chewing over your next words. “I have...wanted and waited for you for a very long time. And though last night started...not how I would have expected I still wanted it. I still want - this. If - if that’s something that you want, I -“

Your words were cut off by his lips colliding with yours, a hand sliding into the tangled locks of your hair. You relaxed instantly, a hand leaving your coffee cup to run over the stubble on his cheek. Forehead leaning against yours he breathed slowly, processing the words with a grin slowly sliding over his lips. 

“I’ve wanted you from the first time you told Tony to pull the stick out of his ass.” 

[akaluan]

Help me, Aka-ya, relieve me from this bone numbing boredom. Give me something, /anything/ than sitting down here while doing nothing. I am in a seminar but the speaker keeps getting off tangent and not talk about what they supposed to present.

Ouch, that is ABSOLUTELY the worst, I’m sorry.

Hmmm...  Well then! How about this DE scrap that I’ve been sitting on for a loooong while?

Kaito paused in the entrance to the living area and stared in confusion at Ukitake and Kyōraku, who were both seated at the dining table across from Urahara. Warily, he caught his father’s eye and then glanced over at the two Captains, wondering if the man wanted him to leave them be or not.

Why, he wondered, were these two Captains /here/? Had his part in Aizen’s death come to light? Had they discovered his lies? Or come to talk to his father, trying to convince the man to let them take him back to Soul Society where he ‘belonged’? He had bankai, after all, and had proven himself capable during the invasion… Kaito wouldn’t put conscription past Seireitei, especially in the aftermath of Aizen’s mess.

Urahara gestured, and Kaito moved to settle at his father’s side, wary gaze still fixed on the two Captains seated in his father’s shoten.

“Kurotsuchi Mayuri was found dead a few days ago,” Urahara informed him, as soon as Kaito was seated.

“Pardon..?” Kaito struggled to comprehend his father’s words. Kurotsuchi… that monster was dead? The very idea was surreal, an unbelievable piece of information that just /had/ to be a lie; Kurotsuchi, die? When he had done so much to keep himself alive? “He’s… dead?” The hand nearest to Urahara slid over and gripped at his father’s leg tightly, trying to ground himself as he let the shock filter through him.

Ukitake was frowning darkly at Urahara, as if disapproving of the way Urahara had revealed that information. “You didn’t need to be so blunt about it, Urahara-san.”

Urahara shrugged nonchalantly, and beckoned for Tsukabishi to bring in another cup for tea. “My son’s strong.”

“Maa, your son looks like he’s about to faint,” Kyōraku said, unreadable gaze moving between the two of them.

Kaito breathed out, shaking his head sharply and withdrawing his hand from Urahara’s leg to accept the cup of tea from Tsukabishi. “Thank you,” he told the other. He took a sip, set the cup down delicately, then gathered himself properly and fixed the two Captains with a stare. “I prefer to hear such information plainly. There is no point in attempting to soften a blow when dragging it out only makes it worse.”

The unreadable looks he was getting from the two Captains were confusing, so Kaito just shrugged and turned his attention back to his father. They hadn’t spent too much time in his company, since it had only been in the last two days of their stay in Soul Society that the two Captains had managed to corner him into training with them; why did they think they understood how he should react to certain things?

“They were curious if I knew anything about it, since Kurotsuchi was my Lieutenant for a short while, before I was exiled.” The shrug Urahara gave was all wry amusement and general disinterest; that of man who had let go and moved on with his life a long time ago and saw no point in revisiting it. “I’ve told them what I know, which is very little. I haven’t been in Soul Society since my exile. In fact, I /couldn’t/ be in Soul Society until very recently, so…”

“Your exile was lifted—”

“Two days ago,” Urahara cut Ukitake off with a dark frown. “I have the letter from the Soutaicho to prove it. So unless you’re going to follow that up with exactly how I could get around a seal that kept me out for a century…”

“No, no, please, Urahara-san, forgive me for sounding accusing,” Ukitake said softly, inclining his head slightly in apology. “No, we believe we know the culprit, we just wanted to know if you could shed some light on potential reasons.”

Kaito scoffed and pointedly occupied himself with his tea in order to keep himself from growling out reason after reason why that monster deserved death. No, that wouldn’t earn him any points, especially when he was starting to suspect that his father had more to do with the monster’s death than the man was willing to speak of.

(That fact should terrify him.)

(All he could feel was a possessive flare of warmth at the mere /idea/ that Urahara might have killed Kurotsuchi /for him/.)

“Kaito-kun..?” Kyōraku asked, leaning forward a bit and giving him a puzzled look. “I promise that nothing either of you tell us will reach the ears of anyone beyond us.”

Kaito narrowed his eyes at Kyōraku, weighing the man’s words against the potential cost of speaking. At his side, Urahara was relaxed and confident, and that let Kaito relax a bit as well. Really, there was something that he could tell that at least Unohana already knew and would point at a reason for him to dislike the now dead Captain. “Have you investigated his research notes yet? I suggest you do so.” Kaito’s gaze flickered towards Urahara for a moment, then back to Kyōraku. “I also suggest you keep something soothing on hand while doing so, however.”

Kyōraku sat back, grimacing and rubbing at his forehead briefly. “I was afraid you’d say that. Alright then. Thank you both for your time, and I’m sorry we barged in so suddenly.”

He and Ukitake rose from their seats and turned to go, though Ukitake paused at the doorway and gave Kaito a warm smile. “Thank you, Kaito-kun. And please, remember that our offer for training remains open. Just get in touch with me whenever you wish.”

“I will keep that in mind,” Kaito told Ukitake cautiously, being sure not to actually promise anything. The training… hadn’t been bad, if he was being honest. The two Captains knew so /much/, with their centuries of life and experience with dual blades, and Kyōraku had even given him a few tips on getting his reiatsu under control properly. Urahara knew restraint as an Onmitsukido member, but that restraint needed solid foundations to work from, and the way Urahara knew how to teach it wasn’t quite how Kaito could understand. He just didn’t have the Shihoin upbringing that Urahara had acquired as a child, and while Yoruichi /was/ teaching him too, it was slow going.

When he could no longer sense the two Captains, Kaito let out a relieved breath and slumped slightly, tension draining out of him to be replaced with doubt and worry.

“Kaito?” Urahara asked worriedly, as he gently reached out and tugged lightly at Kaito’s sleeve, a wordless invitation for a hug if Kaito wanted one. When Kaito almost toppled into his lap, Urahara caught his son and pulled the other into a more comfortable position. “Are you alright?”

“You killed him.”

Urahara froze for a moment, then warily nodded his head in agreement. “I did.”

Kaito fiddled with the charm bracelet on his wrist, listening to the light sound of metal on metal as the charms clicked together. “Does that make me a monster?”

“I— pardon?” Kisuke’s words were choked off, and there was a look a pure confusion on his face as he stared down at his son. “Why would you think /you/ were the monster, Kaito?”

“Because it makes me happy,” Kaito admitted softly, looking away from his father and focusing only on the bracelet the man had given him before the invasion. “Because the thought of you killing him for /me/ makes me /pleased/. That’s… that’s not normal. That’s not how a person is supposed to react.”

“Oh, son,” Urahara murmured, pulling Kaito closer to him and tucking his son’s head under his chin. He slid a hand through Kaito’s hair soothingly. “You are /not/ a monster. You are a young man faced with the knowledge that your tormentor is dead and will no longer be able to do you harm.”

“Still not right,” Kaito muttered into his father’s neck. “Not supposed to be happy at someone’s death. Especially not at someone’s murder.”

“You can’t help your feelings,” Urahara told him firmly. “After everything you went through because of him, after everything you told me he’s done… do you honestly believe there was any other way to handle this situation?”

“No.”

“It bothers you more that it /doesn’t/ bother you, doesn’t it?”

Kaito nodded, then sighed and gave in, letting his eyes close as he relaxed into the hug. And… if he thought about it in more abstract terms — about Kurotsuchi being a danger, about all the souls the monster had already tortured into a second death — he felt /better/ about it. Kurotsuchi /had/ been a danger, which was true, and he /had/ needed to be dealt with eventually, Kaito suspected.

But none of that changed the fact that Urahara /hadn’t/ killed Kurotsuchi for any of those reasons. His father had killed Kurotsuchi because the monster was a direct threat to Kaito himself and for no other reason, and to pretend otherwise was to lie to himself. But… he also couldn’t blame Urahara for that, could he.

He hadn’t asked for his father to do so. Hadn’t told his father to kill the other. This action… this wasn’t /on/ him, was it.

Urahara had made his choice on his own.

(And now he need never fear that monster again…)

[cottagecori]

hey look it's your turn. ALL OF THEM.

I’M ACTUALLY GONNA DO IT THOUGH (under a read more bc it’s loooong)

jasmine; what mythical creature do you wish actually existed?

DRAGONS DRAGONS DRAGONS DRAGONS DRAGONS 

lavender; soundcloud or vinyls?

Vinyls!!! I wish I owned some but we don’t have a functional record player in my house (we have a broken one that my dad keeps telling me he’s going to fix but never does which is fine i’m fine)

primrose; what book does everyone right now need to read?

I have two. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AKA MY FAVORITE BOOK OF ALL TIME and Night by Elie Wiesel because it is just so power and eye-opening 

lunar mist; do you like wearing other people’s shirts/jackets?

YES YES YES I AM WEARING MY DAD’S OLD HOODIE RN BECAUSE IT’S SOFT AND GIANT OTHER PEOPLE’S CLOTHES ARE THE BEST. When i have a relationship, I will steal my so’s stuff all the time so yeah

bird of paradise; what was the best thing that happened to you this month?

I started a vlog and it’s actually really nice to do

gardenia; what’s a promise you’ve recently made to yourself?

to stop pretending like i’m okay and admit when i’m hurt

lion’s fairytale; would you rather be the sky, the ocean or the forests?

Oh god oH GOD THAT’S SO HARD 

Probably the forest because it can be a million different things. It can be a getaway, a mystery, a familiar place. it embodies the feeling of seeing an old friend after a long time and i love it.

whirling butterflies; would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

i’ve never kissed anyone so

marmalade skies; do you plan your outfits?

only when i have to be formal the rest of the time that shirt that’s on my floor works great

apricot drift; how do you feel right now?

numb

everlasting daisy; what’s the last dream you remember having?

i was in boston with you, rose, and my irl friends and we had this giant apartment overlooking the commons and i went to college at emerson and it was nice until there was a murder (bc i was watching scream) and i woke up so yeah i have strange dreams

queen’s cup; what are you craving right now?

french toast with strawberries

lavender dream; turn ons/offs?

maybe another time ;)

water lilly; when was the last time you cried? why?

uh Monday. I have intense family problems that i can’t talk to anyone irl about and then my dad got really mad at me. 

lily of the valley; did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize?

no. 

winterberry; do you bite or lick your ice cream?

both depending on where it’s from 

honey perfume; favorite movie ever?

DO NOT MAKE ME CHOOSE

desert rose; do you like yourself?

does anyone really?

snapdragon; have you ever met or seen in person a celebrity?

I saw Corbyn Besson at my mall once but that’s it

night owl; how many countries have you visited?

I’VE NEVER BEEN OUTSIDE OF THE US AND IT SUCKS

heliotrope; have you ever been in a castle?

^^

creams and sky; what’s the craziest/bravest thing you’ve done?

asked someone out?

lantana; what’s on your mind right now?

the fact that i overslept for a mock exam so now i’m kinda stressed out about how the actual exam will go

pumpkin patch; what’s your zodiac sign?

gemini!

tulip; name 5 facts about yourself.

i can play 4 instruments and am learning a fifth, i like cats more than most people (depending on the people), i love sour candy, i’m addicted to makeup, and i’m not a huge fan of coffee

daphne; do you believe in karma?

to a certain extent

queen of the meadow; ever been in love?

thought i was, not so sure anymore

wisteria; whom do you admire and why?

my friends. they’ve gone through some tough shit and have come out even stronger.

angel’s face; what was your favorite bedtime story as a child?

too many tamales

remember me; did you make someone laugh today?

i have no clue because it is 11 am

iris; do you believe in ghosts?

yes

lilac; if you could go back in time which time period would you visit?

could i change skin color too, bc otherwise i don’t have a lot of options (probably the 90s)

caramel kisses; would you want to live forever? why/why not?

no, because i feel like if you live forever there is more a chance for you to not live at all (thanks tuck everlasting for the lesson)

primula; what makes you sad?

way too many things

rain lily; was today typical? why/why not?

nope it’s a saturday and i’m emotional

queen anne’s lace; who do you trust the most?

mak, rose, carolyn, linh, my irl friend group, sammie, brenna, caroline

lady’s slipper; what did you have for breakfast today?

dried mago slices (i know i’m sorry, i’m making waffles now)

forget me not; do you have any regrets looking back in your life?

oh god so many

lunaria; what’s your favorite fictional universe?

anywhere with magic and dragons so i can go visit my friends easily

violet; favorite tv show?

The Office

sunflower; share a favorite quote.

I use this one a lot 

“Nothing is worth more than laughter. It is strength to laugh, to abandon oneself, to be light” ~Frida Kahlo 

snowdrop; what does your ideal day look like?

Walking around the woods, taking cute pictures in fields of flowers, sunny day, starry night, cheesy romcoms played off a projector, good food, better friends

tiger lily; do you have any hobbies?

i write music, it’s hard

peony; share a small random book passage that means something to you.

i can’t think of one off the top of my head unfortunately

tea rose; what’s something you always wanted to do but were too scared?

open mic nights

honeysuckle; do you usually date people your age or older/younger?

older idk why i’ve just always been attracted to older people

sweet pea; who means the world to you? why?

my friends because they’ve stuck by me even though i’m fucked up in my personal life and in my head

love in the mist; best books you’ve ever read?

Pride and Prejudice, Night, Ender’s Game, Fangirl, The House on Mango Street, Harry Potter

foxglove; who is your favorite cartoon character?

Phineas, Ferb, and Perry the Platypus

magnolia; coffee or tea?

tea duh

crown imperial; would you rather be extremely rich or extremely loved?

extremely loved

snowflake; are you a dog or a cat person?

IS THAT EVEN A QUESTION 

bell flower; what is your biggest addiction?

listening to sad music when i’m sad

cosmos; do you ever think about the galaxy?

god it’s so fascinating i think about it probably more than i should

moonflower; what’s your favorite color?

yellow/teal

freesia; do you have a good relationship with your parents and siblings? why/why not?

Parents: complicated. Siblings: Fuck Yeah

sundrop; are you a morning or a night person?

Night but i’m trying to trick myself into being a morning person

poppy; have you ever dealt with a mental illness?

still dealing with depression

clover; how would your friends describe you?

loud, annoying, barely funny, takes no shit (i’m paraphrasing of course)

dandelion; do you consider yourself and extrovert or an introvert?

none of the above. i’m a lil bit of both? 

lilly; what’s something you love watching/reading but you are too embarrassed to admit you do?

I’m not really embarrassed about the stuff i watch

anemone; describe yourself in 3 words.

Emotional, Wannabe, Broadway?

lotus; best memory as a child?

baking things with my dad while my mom blasted music throughout the house and cleaned

angelonia; what is your eye and hair color?

Brown, Black respectively 

dahlia; do you like crystals?

yeah!

buttercup; if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?

guns wouldn’t fucking exist

baby’s breath; what’s your hogwarts house?

R A V E N C L A W BITCHES

calendula; biggest pet peeve?

people who think they don’t have to be kind to working people or leave a giant mess for them to clean up because “it’s their job”

blanker flower; would you rather go to a cocktail party with your best friends or stay home and read a book/watch a movie with your pet?

i love my friends but give me a rom com and a cat and i’m set for life

blazing star; share a secret.

you wish ;)

carnation; would you rather live longer or happier?

happier 100%

petunia; who’s story is your biggest inspiration in life? why?

Frida Kahlo. A badass bitch who did so much and never let her injury get the best of her. also Emma Gonzales 

bluebell; do you wear glasses?

yuup

nymphea; forest or river?

forest

orchid; do you like exercise?

FUCK NO

pansy; do you like poetry?

i write my own ♥

morning glory; any special talent that you have?

songwriting? singing? playing flute? idk man

i’m so sorry if you actually got this far

[birthright-magic]

July 21st (Packers Tank, Express Shorts, Bow Flops)

This was a memorable day, for sure. It was the day things started to change, mentally and spiritually, for me. We had breakfast at the hotel, then checked out so we could get going to Har Herzl - the memorial cemetery. It was deeply moving, and I honestly tried not to get weepy, but I did. The soldiers shared their stories in broken English, holding back tears, talking about friends they’d lost and tragedies they’d experienced. It was very intense and made me think that maybe I am not doing enough with my life (and fucking Jacob had the audacity to share a story about how 9/11 personally effected him.... UGH). We were here for a while and heard a few interesting stories and saw interesting graves and memorials. After this, we got on the bus to go back to the Old City. Elishay sat next to me on the ride and said he was tired, that he was going to put his head on the seat in front of him. I was like “uhh, you can lay on my shoulder” and he did, and it was sweet. He eventually got hold of my hand and played with it super gently and it’s not like I was turned on, but it was so gentle and unexpected that I definitely felt something. Neither of us made a big deal, but we got to the Old City and went separate ways. I pretty much wanted to be alone and explore all the quarters by myself. As soon as we walked in, some white guy was like “Go Pack Go!” and I noticed he was wearing a Badgers shirt! (I was wearing my hat and tank top so I looked like a huge fan, heehee.) I walked alone for a while, then somehow ended up walking with Aaron - he was sweet but just not interested in me at all, and a little awkward to be honest. We were walking in the Arabic quarter and I was getting a lot of attention from the vendors - I’m sure that made Aaron uncomfortable but I clearly loved it and just ignored it. I ate a nasty ass bagel with avocado and hung with Crystal most of this time. She let me hit her cool strawberry weed Juul and I bought jewelry for Corrie in this little shop where I got RIPPPPPED the fuck off. We had a tour of the underground tunnels of the Kotel, which was not that interesting and everyone in the group was complaining about it and sounding like typical disrespectful Americans. I tried to keep my mouth shut and find something interesting or memorable to hold on to but... the only thing was that silly video about how the wall was built back in the day. After this, we got dressed conservatively - in my long beige dress - for more time at the wall. This time I had way more time and space by myself at the wall - to touch, silently pray, and reflect on my life and my blessings and my wishes. I wrote a note to tuck inside the cracks and was glad that I had little to ask for and so much to be grateful for. After we left the wall, we went to go check in to our new hotel! It was right outside Tel Aviv and sat literally on the Mediterranean Ocean! I believe we ate dinner here, and the sun was setting absolutely perfectly indescribably beautifully on the ocean, and we had a perfect view. I sat with Illana, Sukey, Aaron, Nir and Elishay. Elishay asked to sit next to meee! I offered to do Sukey’s makeup for the night our in Tel Aviv. After dinner we started getting ready, I was wearing like whatever and first went to take care of Sukey. It was the first time we really connected and it was like mehhhhh. She had a weird vibe but I had fun doing her makeup and testing my skills. Illana was there with Greenberg doing her makeup (which ended up SUCKING and Illana said she wished I’d done her makeup that night, haha). Sukey looked CAKED and had her titties out and it was nice that she felt all cute and people complimented her look and she told them I did it 😊. So I got myself tarted up, put on my wine bodysuit, floral denim skirt and bow flops. Straightened the hair as much as I could and wore my heart hoop earrings and put on lashes and lipstick and posed for pictures with friends in the lobby before we left! Okay get ready, cause this is going to be the long and detailed part of this post. 😈 We got to Tel Aviv and walked in the street to this little strip of bars. Mind you, it was a Sunday night and it was still pretty boppin’! We started off all together at the busiest bar we saw. We went inside and found it difficult to get service. I hung with Raven for the first time (she was wearing THE cutest top and that’s how the vibe started) and she was trying to order shots, so I waited with her and had a shot with her. We took a snapchat together! I think I had one more shot here, then somehow wandered off with Molly and Alex. These girls were the SHIT - they hung with me all over town. We walked up and down the strip, checking out different bars, popping into interesting ones and having tequila shots for 10 shekels a pop wherever we went. I think at some point I must have made it obvious that I wanted to walk around alone (to hit my pen maybe? Who knows why drunk Hailey does anything...) So I told em I’d meet them later? I think I’m mixing this part up but I’ll fix it later. I was walking near the other bar, and Elishay came up to me. We were talking and walking together for a while I think, and he eventually asked me “Are you dipsy?” I couldn’t help but laugh and pretend I had no idea what he was saying. I was like “dipsy?” And he said, “you know like a dipsy?” Hahahaha I’m dying just thinking about it. But I said yes, I was dipsy. We must have been alone on the back streets because I remember him pulling me closer to him by my waist and kissing me. Uhhh, he was literally the best kisser I’ve ever met. He touched me, but not too much, used good tongue, moved his head, didn’t bump teeth, made the tiniest noises of appreciation, moved kinda fast, stroked my hair, cupped my ass, pulled me close to him... wow. And this was just the first time. We pulled apart at some point and I told him I NEEEEEDED more weed. I told him to ask people for carts and this was my favorite part of the night. We walked down these little back streets, me giggling next to him as he showed my empty cart to people on the street and asked in Hebrew where he could get one. Most people just started at him or said no... haha. My favoirte was one group of girls who looked at him and said “ew” - HAHA. We stopped on a darkly lit corner and I can’t remember who leaned in this time, but we kissed again, a little hotter, a little heavier this time. He pulled back and said “you’re really good, you know?” That was a massive ego boost... I haven’t made out with anyone like that in a loooong time. Not even Morgan likes to kiss that much, so. Anyway, at some point Dakota joined us... he was third wheeling it so hard, and Elishay and I were kind of playfully figuring out how to get rid of him. I think Elishay told him that there were some people at the other bar waiting for him - and he went over and E said “good, he left us” and kissed me again. I’m sure I was definitely making some kind of noise and I’m pretty proud I didn’t do anything too slutty. I really thought his beard would bother me, but it really didn’t. We sat down on a bench near the bar we sent Dakota to, and we kissed one more time there - God it was so good. I had not been touched or kissed like that in.... um. Literally ever. We eventually got up cause I said I wanted another shot, and I think I ran into Molly and Alex again. Molly was like “uhhhh Hailey what happened to you?” and she told me my lipstick was all messed up - so I told them and they were like EEEE!! And yeah, we went walking and bar hopping again. We went to the tree bar, where I talked to some man who was sitting alone at the at the bar. No one has ever smiled that big at me. I love being drunk enough to be super cute and friendly, but not drunk enough that I act stupid and annoying. I had this perfect cute buzz going, and the guy at the bar loved me and so did the bartender. We remembered we liked tree bar, then went on to the next one. I can’t really remember the order of these places but there was one place we went where there were three girls behind the bar. We came in, they looked at us, we walked to the bar and they ignored us. We walked out pretty quick. I think the next place was the Mexican style place. There was another guy sitting alone at the bar that seemed interested in us - we chatted for a while, cheersed with him, then ran to the bathroom. The bathrooms were the CREEPIEST thing I had ever seen. Mine had a giant pink panther statue in it, was totally dark, and had creepy classical music playing it it. I initially ran out of it, like, almost unable to go in and shut the door, but the girls were peeing and I had to piss so.... I ended up taking a selfie with the pink panther statue thing. After this, we said bye to the guy at the bar (I think there was a mega cute guy in the back bar of this restaurant...) and went down the street to this convenience store - don’t know why. We had fun in the perfume section (we all sprayed ourselves with Moschino!) and went down the street to the fountain where we took cute pictures and talked about Elishay a little more. After this, we passed by these cute guys who were drinking wine in the park and had their cute dog with them. I was pretty sure they were grilling me... couldn’t be sure. We stopped in some bar where we literally waited FOREVER for service, and the guy was a giant dickhead and I can’t remember why... we were being cute and sweet - no idea why he had an attitude, but. Oh well. We shot it and left, vowing never to return. We walked past those guys with the dog again and I told the girls we should go say hi. I lead the way and said hi to the dog, talked to the guys (about birthright? I think?) and then were on our way back again. I think the night was over at this point, and we walked back to the bus. We drove back to the hotel and all went our separate ways -  I went with Lily, Anna, Crystal and Laurie to smoke a J together, then went walking on the beach! I dipped my toes in the Mediterranean, danced around, played with the girls, spied on Lior talking to Ayelet, watched as Elishay hung around waiting for me and ended up talking to Aaron in the hopes that he had some bud or wanted to hook up or something. We talked for a looong time - I don’t know why, I think I honestly expected him to smoke me up somehow. Elishay was texting me, telling me he went to the hotel and then Molly texted me telling me he was hanging out on the 3rd floor. Eventually, Aaron and I walked inside at about 3am and he told me bluntly that there would be no smoking. WOMP. I think I went to bed right after this... how could I have slept!?