#looking back now i do appreciate the carrie reference and the honest portrayal of how rough and unglamorous teenagehood can be

[grapeszn]

just remembered being 18 and having an embarrassing crush on this actress. it was feb 2020. pandemic had just begun. lockdown was imminent. and for some reason in the midst of all this my brain decides to hyperfixate on this girl that looks like she jumped straight out of the 80s

[mystiika]

peter pettigrew’s animagus form is a rat but what often goes unnoticed is that rats have more positive traits than they do negative & although he did turn on his best friend and ‘rat’ on him as the saying goes, there is so much more to him that comes from having a rat as his spirit animal/animal totem. sorry to burst your bubble jk but a rat animagus is actually pretty dope so smd.

any who, below the cut is a rather in depth explanation including quotes from a variety of sources & a few words to tie each quote with my personal portrayal of peter. it is long but it’s also more interesting that you might give it credit for.

when someone has a rat as their animal totem, the idea is that they are very happy & easy going. & although honest & frank, they are highly co-operative in group activities & are easy to get along with. it’s usually pretty obvious from the looks of them how they are feeling but even so, retain self-control. foresight is also popularly mentioned along with knowing how to use it successfully & beneficially. being cunning, shrewd & unafraid to defend themselves in any situation are characteristics as well as enjoying a challenge, being wise in the advice they give & often teach those around them to appreciate what is there. ( source )

to fit in with the other marauders he’d have to have been a social person. easy going people find other easy going people just as peter found james, sirius & remus. constructing & carrying out elaborate pranks is proof of how well he can work with others. each time he was mentioned in the series, he was also accompanied by adjectives that described his emotions. foresight I’ll get into later but as for cunning & shewd, it would only make sense. no one wants to be best friends with an idiot & someone who wasn’t clever to at least some degree wouldn’t have been able to make the quick retorted puns he had. being unafraid to defend themselves is where my opinion of peter differs. at least in my mind, his bravery depends entirely on the situation. if he were being attacked, it would be only natural to fight back as a natural survival instinct. however, if he were to be bullied to his academic intelligence, he would most definitely falter but in the end he would try to look unaffected. this in of itself shows bravery, but in no way shows his readiness to defend himself. make sense? enjoyment of challenges is also dependent on the challenges as well as whether or not he is able to succeed in them. in the end, peter just wants to prove himself as capable & would enjoy overcoming a challenge of intelligence to show that he is in fact, somewhat clever. when it comes to advice giving, it is also depended on the situation but considering how watchful he is and how easily he notices things, he tends to have a better understanding of the situation than others might. this in no way relates to his ability to talk to women, for that, he is most definitely not the one to talk to. finally, there is being appreciative of what is around them. peter is most definitely resourceful & I have already said & i quote ❝ as a child, his mother always told him to appreciate the little things in life because those are often the most fragile & the quickest to disappear. ❞ this is of course my personal headcanon but like I said at the top of this post, this is all about my portrayal.

some more associations for rat ( and from the same source as the information above ) &  i’ve bolded the ones i associate most with peter:

abundant reproduction

strength

adaptability

ability to live unseen

success drive

resourcefulness

stealth

letting go

defense

intelligence

symbol of fertility & wealth

foresight

❝ the rat has a bad image in most western countries.  We see it as something to be feared or reviled and if you see a rat in your back garden you immediately start thinking of how to get rid of it.  Yet many other countries see the rat as something completely different and in the orient it is seen as part of their astrological parade and something to be respected .❞

( quote source was spiritualliving360.com talking about rat as an animal totem but the website has since gone down )

generally speaking, there’s a good side to everything & i cannot stress enough that bad decisions do not make a bad person. yes peter did awful things but he also had reasons for doing them & at the time of making said bad decisions, & saw no other way ( though whether or not that was true is up for debate ).

❝ the rat will also show you lessons about foresight. ever heard of the phrase ❛ rats leaving a sinking ship❜?  they leave because they can see what is coming & will always choose the path that leads to survival.  mix this with the rat’s natural cunning & you will have the perfect blend for survival in all realms .❞ ( source: spiritualliving360 )

now is when I’ll get into foresight. Peter is a survivor. This is proven time and time again. He, like the rat, can adapt to an abundance of situations where others might not be able to. Staying alive and well is a basic instinct and is why the human race has done as well as it has. He can tell when there is a bad situation approaching and comes up with his best chance at surviving it.

❝ on the negative side the rat totem can bring restless & nervousness of completely new situations. they also bring the urge to horde material wealth because they fear to have to little. ❞ ( source: spiritualliving360 )

don’t restless & nervous sound like fitting adjectives for peter? he doesn’t like new situations because he doesn’t know how to deal with them. sure, he’s resourceful & can come up with the best way out of a given situation but that doesn’t mean he won’t be agitated during it. additionally, Peter fears that he isn’t enough and so, he sometimes tries to compensate with material gain.

❝ holding onto everything & being the pack rat is their way of feeling secure in an insecure world. fortunately rats adapt well to environmental changes & can survive on just about anything. they hold the teachings of resourcefulness. their fear of not being provided for can be healed by participating in supportive group activities, meditation & prayer. ❞ ( source )

now, the first bit doesn’t need any explanation but I’d really like to zero in on that second part. ❝ their fear of not being provided for can be healed by participating in supportive group activities, meditation & prayer. ❞ peter is afraid of so many things & being a part of such a tight knit group as the marauders, has helped him so much. had he been taken away from his only support at hogwarts ( seeing as most every one thought he was a foolish dimwit — teachers included ), who knows how much worse off he’d have been. i hate to say it & I apologise if this is upsetting or triggering to anyone but i personally feel that he would have only been able to take so much cruelty & attacks to his mental health before he would have gone into a state of depression & possibly become suicidal. he already doesn’t think he’s good enough & that’s within the confines of a supporting friendship.

❝ they do hoard, but they are generous with their stash to other rats in need, often bringing bits of food to sick or weakened rats in their clan. they also are pack animals & very affectionate, taking care to groom each other’s fur & teeth. they are amazing problem solvers, also. in fact, i would say that this is their dominant trait. ❞ ( source )

now, this is my personal opinion but i’d like to think he always did anything & everything within his power to help james, sirius & remus with anything he could. he wanted to be helpful, he wanted to feel needed & like he had a purpose. he cared very much for them & the same held true for them. being amazing problem solvers i also stand by one hundred percent. i think this goes hand in hand with being resourceful & most definitely came in handy when planning pranks. when a problem arose with their plans, peter would come up with a solution in no time flat.

❝ rats are very social creatures. ❞ ( no source because this is written everywhere )

again, i don’t think this needs much of an explanation. peter depends on his three best friends more than anyone else in the entire world. he is desperate for their approval & affections & if he were denied this, i’m not sure how badly it would effect him but i can say with conviction that the end result would be disastrous.

❝ there are many common misconceptions when it comes to the rat. generally they are thought of as dirty creatures that carry disease. this is an unfair characterisation. rats are extremely cleanly, & while they do occasionally carry disease, it is very rare. ❞ ( source was spiracanada.com which has since gone down )

this is less about peter and more about how I feel jkr took him & made him 2 dimensional. through out the series, peter is mainly referred to as wormtail while everyone else is referred to by their names, either first or last. & i don’t mean in dialogue, i mean in narration. there is no, peter pettigrew: the marauder, the friend, the trusted member of the order. there is only wormtail, the betrayer, the murderer, & the fool. subconsciously, when we see ❛ wormtail ❜, we think of his animagus form, the rat. we think of the negative connotation: the disgusting creature associated with disease, uncleanliness, & the expression ❛ to rat on someone ❜. it’s what voldemort called him & surely a name as vile as that belongs to a man deserving of one.

WRONG! it started off as a simple nickname between friends, remember? a joke about how his animagus tail looks like a worm. that’s it. it was just the result of a group of fifteen year old boys goofing around & doing illegal things. in their minds it was never meant to be cruel or disgusting, it was teasing, friendly, & a name for a good friend that would break the law just to help put another friend at ease. so often we think of a rat with a negative connotation & the entire point of this post is to remind you that the negative connotation isn’t the only one out there & is certainly far less truthful.

❝ a rat totem will surround himself with a group of loyal & devoted friends. with them he shares the finer things in life & will often go to great ends to keep them happy & comfortable. any that he ( or she ) perceives to be outside his social circle, he could care less about. further to this, he will destroy fine things rather than see them go to the enjoyment of those outside his circle. he would rather throw out a plate of fine food than give it to someone he doesn't know. it paints a selfish picture of the rat totem, but this is not quite accurate. it’s not selfishness per se, but purposeful wastefulness & destruction. it is a show of wealth & importance that you can afford to waste & destroy so many fine things. one might think that a rat totem could only be this way if he or she were wealthy. This is not true, though, as the rat totem is truly adaptable. he or she will always find something that can be considered exquisite even in the grimmest of circumstances. in love, the rat totem will likely pick his mates from within his circle of friends. this can be good & bad. it is good as he or she is generally friends first, & this makes for a stable base for a relationship. it is bad, as … when he tires of one relationship, he will move on to the next… & the next will most likely be from the same circle of friends. this behaviour tends to destroy groups of friends in much the same way a rat totem destroys fine things. its no big deal for the rat totem as he can always gain a newer circle of friends, but those left in the wake often feel in tatters when the rat totem uses them this way …. careers that are social & involve the rats’s inate sense of finding valuable things are good…. also careers that involved their gifts for jumping, climbing, swimming, & stealth are good. they would make excellent reconnaissance soldiers in wartime, they would make fine spies, & superb thieves as well. ❞ ( source: spiracanada )

tbh i don’t think this bit needs any explaining except the bit about picking mates from within their circle. now, peter’s circle didn’t end at the other marauders. being their best friend, he was constantly grouped with their other friends; all of these people were part of his circle of friends. popular fanon choices seem to be lily evans, marlene mckinnon, mary macdonald, the prewetts, a couple of other’s that i won’t bother naming. i’ve also been developing the idea that peter is actually demisexual. what this means is physical attraction is only present when a strong emotional bond has been formed. the concept fits in rather perfectly with canon, fanon, & my personal perceptions in this case. his lack of enthusiasm for pursuing girls at the school can be partially explained, leaving all of the girl chasing & charming to james & sirius & remus to some small extent. the idea also supports peter & any of the other marauders in a romantic relationship if that floats your boat.

❝ rats are social animals that are highly adaptable & expert survivalists. they drive for success maybe too hard or not hard enough, if restless with others it helps to become more adaptable to them & the situations. rat medicine will teach how to be resourceful in the midst of environmental & emotional changes. he will give strength & trust in the process of current changes & lend security in overcoming worldly ideals. have you accumulated too much mental & emotional baggage? rat will aid in examining what is not needed any longer and allow truth to come forth in the midst of worldly illusions. is it time to let go of thoughts, ideals, perceptions or people & places? rat medicine will instil self assurance & transform fear into abundance. there is much wisdom in how rat moves, watches & listens. ❞ ( source )

social & survivalists. considering how many times those two things have been mentioned in one way or another, i won’t relate it to peter again. now, the drive for success is very much so relevant & unspoken of. peter ( & this is getting back to my personal portrayal again ) suffers from undiagnosed dysgraphia. for what that means, i wrote up a headcanon over here. he’s constantly underestimated mentally and told he's unintelligent in one way or another but this doesn’t diminish his drive for success. oppositely so, it pushes him to work harder & harder academically in the hopes of proving everyone wrong.the same can be said of him wanting to become an animagus.

❝ it takes skill, practice, & patience for wizards & witches to become animagi. the process of becoming an animagus is long & arduous, & has the potential to backfire & cause the transformation to go horribly wrong. ❞ ( source )

say what you will about peter pettigrew but he is nothing short of ambitious. he used skills that most did not know he possessed & became an animagus which apparently only very powerful witches & wizards can do. forgive me on the lack of source but i can’t remember where i heard that particular line from. regardless, it seems fitting, no?

❝ …and there have only been seven animagi this century… ❞ ~ hermione in PoA p. 257

it is not easy to complete this task for fully grown witches & wizards let alone 3 thirteen year olds boys. this is sort of sidetracking but it’s my personal headcanon that sirius & james both completed their transformations in their fourth year & it was peter alone that finished in his fifth year.

❝ ‘it took them the best part of three years to work out how to do it. your father & sirius here were the cleverest students in the school, & lucky they were, because the ministry keeps a close watch on those attempting to do it. peter needed all the help he could get from james & sirius. finally, in our fifth year, they managed it. they could each turn into a different animal at will.’ ❞ ~remus in PoA p. 259

although he struggled & required enormous amounts of help from the other two, he did manage it successfully. as a fifteen year old boy, he was able to become an animagus & did so solely for the purpose of helping one of his best friends. i think that says a lot about the type of person peter pettigrew really was.

anyway, i’ve finished now so if you actually read all that, good on you. keep on keeping on, friend, & i hope you become a proud member of the peter pettigrew defense brigade because he is so much more than what most people believe him to be. he’s more than just a hated plot device. he’s a person, not just a rat.

[gws201-blog]

Graduating High School.. Nine Months Pregnant?

20 Pop Culture Stereotypes We Must Debunk (Because    They’re Fucking Stupid)

1.   Race determines class

“White people were equated with richness and land” (Williams, pg. 431). Who’s to say you can’t be a person of color and also be loaded?! Sure, the Real Housewives have women of color who are ~loaded~, but the majority of shows depict non-white individuals and families as poor. Have you ever seen the TV show Everybody Hates Chris? The whole show is about a poor, African American family living in Brooklyn, NY—constantly worrying about money. Their father, Julius, is even so tight on money that he kept a picture of himself in his own wallet to keep as a reminder to not spend money. Shows like this may be hilarious, but continual negative portrayal of race and class hurts those who are included in the stereotype.

2.   Race determines education level

“Members of society are judged, and succeed or fail, measured against the characteristics that are held by those privileged (Wildman & Davis, pg. 111).” Why do we put less pressure on some people to go to college, and others are just assumed they’ll go, or maybe it’s assumed they’ll never even finish high school? How can we look at a 16-year-old black high school student and compare them to a white 16-year-old student, and think that we have enough information to label one of them as academically frivolous, and one as a failure?

3.   Race determines actions

Being white will never make you an angel, being a person of color will never make you dangerous. The media constantly portrays black people to carry guns, Middle Eastern people to be terrorists, and white people to be trashy, yet, more responsible with guns…? However, according to Chris Wilson with Time, mass shootings from the past 35 years were overwhelmingly white, male shooters. So why do we allow the media to make it look as if the white man is innocent in shows and movies, when in reality they’re the ones who are dangerous?  

4.   Race determines where you live

Similar to race determining your class, race also doesn’t dictate where someone lives. For example, in the show Shameless, a white family is actually living in the poor, “ghetto” area of town that they refer to as the South Side. However, back to Everybody Hates Chris as I mentioned prior, TV loves to show people of color living in shitty places as if it’s normal. We can’t let the world tell us you must live within constraint or restriction because of your skin; it’s 2018—love thy [literal] neighbor, dammit.

5.   Class determines your future, or lack-there-of

“Everyone knows that money brings privilege” (Wildman and Davis, pg. 111). Sure, it can. I won’t pretend that money doesn’t make it easier to afford things such as college. People act like student loans don’t exist, that grants don’t exist, FAFSA (even though they suck, but it’s whatever), loans, etc. do.not.exist.But these are excuses. Millions of students who are set up for failure because they can’t afford college or because their parent’s don’t have the money, but that doesn’t stop them.

6.   Class determines your likelihood to end up an addict

Face it—TV either depicts drug/alcohol addicts as either extremely poor, or extremely rich. No one ever seems to care about a middle-class addict. What’s worse though, assuming that being rich or poor increases your likelihood to be an addict, or by not paying as much attention to addicts who are neither of these classes. The rich have money to blow on, well, blow…. and the poor just somehow are expected to be more likely to hang out with the wrong crowd, try a drug once, and then do everything and anything they can in order to get money to keep on getting the drug—none of this is something that we should stereotype.

7.   Class determines the likelihood you’ll get pregnant at a young age

Your class and status don’t determine when you have sex and if you’re using protection, your decision to have sex without protection or situations of birth control failure are how you get pregnant at a young age (I’m leaving out situations of rape from this so I don’t write a novel). According to studies done by the US National Library of Medicine, socioeconomic status doesn’t determine the age you get pregnant at, but may determine to different pregnancy and birth complications due to lack of money to afford things such as healthcare, diapers, medicine, etc.

8.   Being feminine means you’re gay

“The new man is non-sexist, believes in gender equality and relates to women as human beings” (Milestone and Meyer, pg. 116). Apparently, the ‘new man’ is seen as a gay man to many. What even is femininity? A guy isn’t gay for wearing pink, giving a shit about how he looks, having female friends, or for his hobbies—I personally appreciate a man who takes care of his appearance, shows his feelings, ya know, showers and stuff. Kidding—I promise I have higher standards than a guy just showering. But anyways, what I’m trying to say is that none of these surface-level features give anyindication that a man is gay. And if he is, who even cares?!

9.   Being masculine means you’re a lesbian

*See #8*

Kidding, but really. Stop judging people based on how they look, dress, act, whatever. 

10.Gay people are promiscuous

First off, not your business. Second, you can just as easily say something dumb like that girls in sororities are sluts (trust me, I was in one and I got this comment a handful of times). I don’t even know how this stereotype came about, but I know that my gay friends joke about it al the time. If your gay friends make a joke about it, cool, it’s funny to talk about his “dick appointment”, but it’s different between a good friend making a statement, and you being an assumptive asshole.

11.Gay people have HIV aids

Every commercial I’ve ever seen on TV about medical treatment for HIV only show gay couples. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, gay and bisexual males are more susceptible to getting HIV because they tend to have anal sex, sometimes unprotected, which then puts them at serious risk. Sorry not sorry, but these commercials can’t just pretend straight couples don’t have unprotected anal sex. HIV doesn’t discriminate, so neither should we.

12.Gay people can’t have children

I don’t even know where to begin with this one. How do women who can’t conceive have children? Adoption, IVF, surrogate—there’s tons of options, and these are options for gay couples as well.

13.Gay people can’t be religious

There’s this notion that gay people must not believe in God because some people believe that homosexuality is a sin—even though God definitely says to love thy neighbor and that he loves all of his children, aka all of us. Shows such as Modern Familyare great examples of this. A gay couple, Cam and his husband Mitchell, attend church and even take their adopted daughter, Lily, with them. Sure they live in California where there’s more acceptance, but the fact that the show even displays this is great for ending this stereotype by showing it as normalized.  

14.Teen moms won’t graduate

I talk about Shamelessand Teen Moma lot, but hey, they’re perfect examples for a lot of these stereotypes. Shamelesssupports this stereotype by showing a 15 year old named Debbie who gets pregnant and drops out of high school. !!!BUT!!! Debbie eventually gets her GED and becomes a certified welder. Hell yeah. Teen Mom, which is a reality show, rarely shows teens graduating or getting any type of certification to better their education. Girls who are in similar situations may see this and be like “well shit, if they didn’t finish school and they’re fine, I’m not finishing either!”— then the girl and her baby daddy end up relying on their parents for everything. I graduated with a girl who was nine months pregnant, literally about to pop, and now she’s a young mom, yes, but she got to go on and attend college and is almost finished with her degree. By supporting pregnant teens and giving them the push they need, they can attempt to better their future and give their baby a great life (not that it won’t be great without education, but you know what I mean).

15.Teen pregnancy is easy & fun

If you’ve seen Teen Mom, you know that teen pregnancy isn’t easy. Yes, the show does glorify it sometimes by being like “oh, get pregnant at 16, you’ll get on TV!!!!” but they also show the raw, uncut scenes of the girls and couples hardcore struggling. Imagine missing class, missing prom, missing fun experiences you could be having with your friends when you’re not even twenty years old. Imagine the judgment by friends, family, and strangers because they assume you weren’t being careful. There’s a lot more to being a teen mom than being on TV and picking out cute baby clothes—don’t let TV and the media make you think you should get pregnant for fun.

16.Teen parents = unfit parents

I’ll be honest, this is a stereotype that I’ve believed for a long time. Teens are young, haven’t experienced life yet, aren’t fully educated, and aren’t always very mature—so why would they make good parents? Good question. Answer: no one is ever ~ready~ for their first kid. If you’ve never had children before, you’re in the same position as everybody else who has also never had kids. It doesn’t matter if you’ve babysat for years or if you have a college degree, having your first child isn’t something anyone can fully prepare for. You can have money, buy the best diapers, whatever, but you’ll still be learning how to care for the baby day by day no matter what age you are.

17.Trans people are confused

“you’re confused”

“it’s a phase”

“you’re just gay.”

-all quoted from a dumb ass, probably

For this, let’s go back to Linda Alcoff’s “The Problem Of Speaking For Others”. You don’t know how someone realized they weren’t the gender assigned to them at birth. You don’t know how they feel in their own skin every day. You don’t know the hardships and troubles and braveryit took for them to come to terms with being trans and be open about it to others. If you speak for them and try to say “oh, she’s confused” or “he’ll grow out of it”, all you’re doing is demeaning them, belittling them, and you’re lying to yourself and to them. Being trans isn’t easy. Support your trans friends or coworkers or whoever, and let them know that they’re always welcome in your life as they are.

18.Trans people are drag kings/queens

Similar to the last stereotype, being trans isn’t something you dress up in for fun and then change out of later. Anyone can dress in drag, not just transgender people. As Janet Mock discussed in Redefining Realness, drag can empower people and make them feel pretty and good about themselves. However, it doesn’t make you trans just because you partake in drag.

19.Trans people are predators

“Can you be guaranteed to find a public bathroom that is safe and equipped for you to use? (Taylor, pg. 296). Think about it—there’s a higher chance of a trans person being assaulted by someone because of who they are than a cisgender person being attacked in a bathroom by someone who’s trans. As much as I hate to get into this—I’ll be brief. No, trans people aren’t creeps. No, they’re not lying about their identity. No, they do not want to use the female restroom for ANY other reason aside from beingfemale.

20.Being who you are is easy

“We tend to forget the thousands of minute decisions that consciously construct the artificial world that has been created” (Smith, pg. 128). Though this quote is about movies, it’s true for real life. We make decisions every day that can drastically alter our lives. The thing is, we make these decisions in order to please others; we make choices that define us once we think about how it impacts others, what they’ll think, and what the worst-case scenario of these decisions may be. This is where it becomes difficult to be who you are. It’s hard to be yourself when you’re worried about what other people think more than you worry about yourself and your happiness. Put yourself first, worry about yourself, and make yourself proud—fuck everything else.

                                                Citations

Alcoff, Linda. “The Problem of Speaking for Others.” Cultural Critique, no. 20, 1991, p. 10.,       doi:10.2307/1354221.    

Bornstein, Kate, and Evin Taylor. Gender Outlaw: on Men, Women, and the Rest of Us. Vintage   Books, 2016.

“HIV and Gay and Bisexual Men Understanding HIV/AIDS.” National Institutes of Health, U.S.   Department of Health and Human Services, 5 Apr. 2018, aidsinfo.nih.gov/understanding-          hiv-aids/fact-sheets/25/81/hiv-and-gay-and-bisexual-men.

“Making Systems of Privilege Visible.” Making Systems of Privilege Visible, by Stephanie M Wildman and Adrienne D Davis, p. 111.  

Milestone, Katie, and Anneke Meyer. Gender and Popular Culture. Polity, 2012.

Min, Kim. Socioeconomic Status Can Affect Pregnancy Outcomes and Complications, Even With              A Universal Healthcare System. U.S. National Library of Medicine, National Institute of                 Health, 5 Jan. 2018, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5756361/.

Mock, Janet. Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & so Much More.       Simon & Schuster, 2015.

Smith, Greg M. “It's Just a Movie: A Teaching Essay for Introductory Media Classes.” Cinema Journal, vol. 41, no. 1, 2001, p. 128., doi:10.1353/cj.2001.0025.  

Williams, Claudette. Gal... You Come From Foreign. McGraw Hill, 2002.

Wilson, Chris. “Mass Shootings in the US: See 35 Years in One Chart.” Time, Time, 2 Oct.         2017, time.com/4965022/deadliest-mass-shooting-us-history/.

[nerdywriterlady]

Love In A Hopeless Place (A Tom Hiddleston Fanfiction)

Preface

I'll be perfectly honest, I'm a traditional novelist, and do have works completed, including a full novel as myself and a novella that's been published under a pen name. I've never written fan fiction, and never thought I would. So you might wonder, how I found myself here, penning this? I had an idea for a character, for a traditional story arc involving a British male, so I began consuming as many interviews with current British actors, ie David Tennent, Benedict Cumberbatch, Eddie Redmayne, Tom Hiddleston... to listen to speech, mannerisms, differences in terminology, etc. During what I'm affectionately referring to as a "Hiddle-binge" I came upon Tom's diary or blog of his trip with UNICEF to Guinea last January. Charities that involve children have always resonated deeply with me, from St. Jude's Children's Hospital who cared for my cousin who was diagnosed with cancer at 13 and again at 16, to Operation Smile who provide underpriviliged children with much needed cleft lip and palate surgeries as my nephew was born with both so their works are very near and dear to me. I've always known of UNICEF, I've never looked into what they do though. I had quickly developed an appreciation for Tom's works. I feel much of my own writing style and subjects have been greatly influenced by the classics that I began reading as far back as an eleven year old. So, it came as no great surprise that Tom's blog was extremely well written, and filled with enumerable passages that carried such weight to what they conveyed.

For example:

"One small ward - about the size of a single room in a two-star or three-star hotel in the UK - housed at least twenty children, some of whom I was told had slim chances of survival. Their arms and legs were indescribably thin, their cheeks tear-stained, their skin a harrowing, slate-grey. Most shocking to me was the speed and urgency of their breathing, asleep or awake, but it was uniformly unsettled and uneven. When you see a child struggling so hard simply to breathe, it makes your heart hurt..."

As I read along, and looked at the images taken along his trip, I started to see the scenes of a story playing out in my mind. It's just how I write. I've always been able to "see" the scenes and then manage to put them into words. I tried to continue focus on my original work in progress, but kept being haunted by my characters in Guinea floating in my mind as an accoustic version of Rhianna's "We Found Love (In A Hopeless Place)" echoed behind them. I've concluded that they're not going to leave me alone until I tell their story. I fought over whether to write it traditionally  or not. Tom's words are so profound at points that I feel the story would suffer without them. So I decided to fanfiction them. Putting Tom as one of the main characters. Which I suppose should lead me to a disclaimer of sorts...

DISCLAIMER: While the majority of what you're about to read is completely fiction, parts of it will be the direct quotes from Tom Hiddleston's field diary. I will strive to ensure they are marked someway as quotes and maintain their diary format. I do not know Tom, I don't own his words, none of the conversations that take place between Tom the character and the other characters in this work have ever taken place. What I hope is to entertain you with a love story on a few levels, and hopefully also spread some of the awareness that UNICEF needs and deserves.

I know that was a really long intro, but I felt there needed to be some explanation other than a tiny synopsis which will try to entice you to read the story. I don't know how long it will take to write, I'm not 100% sure where these characters are about to take me, but I thank you for reading and following along with the journey until the final stroke of the pen, as it were.

Use the following link to the story...

Love In A Hopeless Place on Wattpad

Synopsis:

Single mom, Nessa Keefe, has never left the States. Never even crossed the borders into Canada or Mexico. She shocks her family and friends when she volunteers her skills as a photographer to International relief charity, UNICEF, after watching commercials at Halloween on "Trick or Treat for UNICEF". In December, she received her first assignment. In January, she was going to Guinea. And not just Guinea, but she was going along to photo-document a celebrity's first field visit.

Actor Tom Hiddleston is world known now and world travelled thanks in part to the huge success he's had from his portrayal as fan beloved Loki in the Marvel movie series. He's about to embark on his first visit into the field with UNICEF as a Junior Ambassador. It's a trip that's going to carry with him forever, and he'll return home from Guinea, with a deeper love and appreciation for many things and people.

[hiddlesgirl]

SH 205: Dust and Shadows

This was quiet an emotional episode; there were some more great character interactions, three main story arcs that really worked and one heck of a contortionist. Two new characters are introduced, Aldertree is still a thorn in everyone’s side and the final scenes are tear worthy.

We begin with Alec shooting arrows on the roof of the institute; he is interrupted by Jace but quickly leaves. I love that Jace says ‘Same side, remember’ referring back to when they first met, he tries to offer Alec comfort and reassuring him that it wasn’t his fault; but it is clear he isn’t helping, if anything he is making Alec more agitated by trying to brush the issue aside. Alec is still feeling guilt from not being able to help Jace when he was with Valentine or when he was imprisoned in the City of Bones, now he is weighed down with guilt from killing Clary’s mother; his parabatai’s mother. All of the guilt is piling up on him; even more so because he must be feeling that he took away the chance for his parabatai to know his mother. Jace tries to reassure Alec that no one blames him which I am sure is true for most people; but Alec knows that even if Clary knows logically that it wasn’t his fault it was still his face, his body that carried out the action. My only issue with this scene is that when Alec jumps from the roof it looks weird (is that the right word?), it must be the rope/harness work but it just looks out of place, honestly it looks a little Spiderman; the same happened last week when Clary jumped behind Izzy. I think that once they get used to doing rope work they will be able to make it look more visually realistic.

Clary and Simon are spending some time together; we learn that Luke is missing and Clary wants to bring her mother back from the dead. Luke must be devastated at Jocelyn’s death and I am definitely worried that he has gone missing, with no contact to Clary or Simon. When Clary looked hopeful at bringing her mother back I just wanted to scream ‘NO’ at her; everyone knows, what’s dead should stay dead. However, I understand that she is in this new world where a lot of things are possible that she didn’t know about before so of course she is going to want to explore this. Also, she is not ready to accept and let go of her mother; which is a very realistic portrayal and reaction to death.

Clary and Simon go to Magnus to talk about the possibility of bringing Jocelyn back; Magnus emphatically tells them no, it is dark magic and that Simon shouldn’t encourage Clary to peruse this. When Clary asks if they were talking about Magnus’ mother he immediately answers that he wouldn’t bring her back; and then my heart literally breaks. Magnus tells them that when his mother realised what his cat eyes meant she took her life with the Kris (the odd looking dagger) that he took back from Camille. The agony on his face makes me clutch at my chest; the pain that he must feel, his mother couldn’t bare the reality of who he is so much that she took her life. I cannot imagine what that would do to someone; it is no wonder that he is so careful with letting people, most specifically those he cares about, from seeing his cat eyes. His own mother couldn’t accept him so he must get so scared about being rejected because of his heritage. Harry’s acting is absolutely fantastic as usual; seriously I cannot praise this man enough for his emotional acting in this show.

Also, the look of realisation on Simon’s face at what the dagger is; he handled it so carelessly in a previous episode and you can almost see the regret now that he knows its significance to Magnus.

I love Magnus’ explanation of grief; ‘Over time it gets easier, never easy, but easier’. I think it is very beautiful and true, you will never stop feeling pain from the loss of a loved one but with time it will get easier to cope with. I love that Magnus gives Clary one of his memories of her and her mother; he still feels a little guilty for stealing her memories, albeit at her mother’s request, and wants to give her something she can cherish. Magnus says that losing her mom isn’t something to make better with magic; you just cry your eyes out. I love this too because it is making the point that loss is not something you can make better, there is no quick fix and there is no shame in crying your eyes out. I just loved this entire scene; we get to know a little more about Magnus (heartbreaking though it was) and I loved how Magnus talked about grief in such a real way that I relate to.

Clary visits her mom’s body; she talks about all the things she might have done differently and I think it is a very real portray of the thought process that people go through when they lose someone. Wondering what they could have said or done that may have prevented it from happening. Jace comes in to check on her; Clary wishes that people who stop telling her it’s okay to grief and the she doesn’t feel much of anything. I love this because feeling numb is something I really relate and I think is a very realistic reaction to a sudden death; I cannot express enough how much I love how they are dealing with grief in the show. It is showing that it is an individual process and there is no right way to feel; it’s okay to cry but it is also okay to feel numb, there is no correct way to react.

I also love Jace in this scene; he wanted to get to know Jocelyn and for her to know him, he thought there would be time for them to do that. All his life the only mother he has known was Maryse, now just as he may get a chance to know his birth mom she is ripped away from him. He thought they would get more time; again another very realistic response, we all think we have all the time in the world but that isn’t always true. And when we do lose someone all we want is more time; more time to know them, more time to love them and more time to say the things we want to tell them.

Clary goes to visit a warlock called Iris Rouse that she found on the database; Iris proves that she can help Clary by bringing back a dead crow. Every bone in my body is screaming ‘NO’, Iris is definitely bad news. Also, she inadvertently insulted Magnus by saying that dark magic is term used by warlocks who are afraid of their own powers; no one insults my fav Magnus Bane. In return for bringing Jocelyn back she asks Clary for an unknown favour; never trust someone who asks for a favour.

Magnus finds Alec on his fire escape nursing his hand that he has injured presumably when firing his arrows on the institute rooftop. Alec asks Magnus about turning in Camille; I love this because although he may not like her he knows that she meant something to Magnus once and that it must have been difficult for him to turn her into the Clave. Magnus says that it was awful because of their history, he apologises if it’s weird for Alec to hear. Alec reassures him; I love this because Alec knows Magnus has a history and that he should have to apologise for it, I think that he also appreciates Magnus being honest with him. I also love that while it was also a diversion tactic Alec asked Magnus how he was feeling, many times before it has been so focused on other characters and no one took the time to ask Magnus is he was ok; not even after Ragnor died, which I really would have liked some sort of follow up to. Maybe they will do something for the one year anniversary of his death, just a quiet little Malec scene; I don’t know, wishful thinking maybe. I just felt that Magnus didn’t get the time or opportunity to grieve; and was a little annoyed that no one asked him how he was after his friend just died. Okay, back to the scene in hand.

Magnus spots the cuts on Alec hand and questions if he was too busy to use a healing rune, Alec says he’s fine but Magnus knows he isn’t. Magnus tells Alec that he wants the pain in his hand to take away the pain he is feeling emotionally, but that it doesn’t work that way. Again, another great moment because it acknowledges that emotional pain doesn’t disappear just because you want it to, and that inflicting physical pain won’t overpower it. Alec feels guilty for letting a demon in, he thinks that because of his training he should have been able to prevent it or fight it. Magnus tries to reassure him that it wasn’t his fault; Alec says that he doesn’t know what to say to Clary, he cannot face her because of what he did. He is swimming in guilt and doesn’t know what to do to make it better; he doesn’t know what to say to the person he has hurt the most. I adore Magnus’ next few lines; especially ‘you’ll blow up the very ground you stand on to make something right.’ Magnus knows that Alec will do whatever it takes to make right what he has done wrong, no matter the cost to himself. He is making Alec realise that he has the courage and the ability to atone for and make right what he did, even if it wasn’t his fault.

I just adore the whole scene because Alec knew Magnus would be a source of comfort and support; he knew he could talk to Magnus about what he is feeling. He could open up to him because he trusts Magnus. When everything else is upside down he can go to Magnus for help and support, Magnus has become his rock. After everything that has happened with Jace and with what Jace is going through Alec doesn’t feel comfortable opening up to him. After everything Magnus has done for him, helped him realise who he is, prevented him from entering a loveless marriage, saved his life and always been there to support him; Alec knows that when he is in emotional turmoil Magnus will be there to offer support, care and guidance.  The Malec scenes, and relationship, just keep getting better and better.

I love the training scene between Jace and Izzy; it’s dynamic, really well choreographed and has good dialogue. Jace has some witty lines and I love that we are getting more interaction between these too; Jace calls her ‘Iz’ too.

Izzy requests to be sent on the mission to the Iron Sisters, Aldertree insists on access her wound which is infected with demon venom. He gives her an ointment called Yin Fen; right now I have no idea what it is but from people’s reactions I can say that it is not good. Also, Izzy has an extreme almost euphoric reaction to it which is never a good thing; I am presuming it is some kind of drug. If it is something addictive (which I think it is given what I have seen) then Aldertree’s motive is probably to have Izzy under his control by being her supplier.

Alec tries to apologise to Clary, Clary asks him to go to Iris with her; he agrees to go. We all know that this is a stupid decision and if Alec was in his right mind he never would have let Clary go to this warlock; but he isn’t in his right mind. He wants to put right what he did in any way possible, especially if there is a way to bring Jocelyn back; he is driven by guilt. Also, it is better that he go with her than she go on her own.

The look on Alec’s face when Iris asks if he is Clary’s boyfriend kills me, it is hilarious and I laugh every time I watch it. Despite his willingness to help he still is dubious about Iris, asking about the blood oath and her warlock mark. I know that he probably shouldn’t have let Clary enter into a blood oath but in the end it is Clary’s decision.

Simon is back at home, his sister has taken his blood and he is hungry. His mom tries to question him about his behaviour; and he blurts out that he is a vampire. Simon is understandably relieved at being finally able to say the words to her, he wants to convince her he is telling the truth and for her to accept him. She is understandably worried for him. Poor Simon, you know that this isn’t going to end well.

Alec is talking to Madzie who is looking at his runes clearly curious; he also spots her gills which are her warlock mark. I love his reaction, simply saying ‘cool gills’ and smiling at her. She is extremely shy and presumably self conscious about her mark and I adore the small smile she has when Alec compliments them.

Clary calls off the spell when the crow goes crazy, breaking the window. Iris tells Clary that her favour will be Clary having a baby warlock for her; at the same time Alec finds baby warlocks on the second floor. It becomes clear that Iris has been using women to create warlock babies then wiping their memories. The whole situation is horrifying.

When Iris attacks Alec Madzie stop her from hurting him, speaking for the first time; I love this, it is obvious that Alec’s kindness has made an impression on Madzie. Iris and Madzie disappear through a portal and I am pretty sure we are going to see them again; I really hope we get some more interaction between Alec and Madzie.

Clary wakes up in the basement with a creepy ass demon. Oh my gosh did they get it right on the creepy scary front. If I remember correctly they used a contortionist, not CGI. That is a very talented person, the costume (and makeup?) was amazing and I have to say that it did haunt my nightmares a little.

Clary has a vision of a rune, she draws it sunlight shoots out of her hand and kills the demon; Jace, who saw it, says that they should keep this ability to themselves for now. I am very excited for this new development, I have heard a little about this ability via fics and tumblr, and I know people are very excited for this. I think Jace is right in telling her they should keep it quiet for now, it is obviously an extremely rare gift and they don’t know how the Clave, or anyone else, would react to it.

Simon’s mom calls a doctor about Simon; this is understandable, to any mundane he is going to seem crazy for what he said. Then she sees him feasting on a rat, which is admittedly disgusting. But I am anxious to see her reaction and the repercussions of this.

Izzy is using the Yin Fen again, she is again having the extreme reaction to it; it is clear that she is enjoying the affect it is having on her which definitely points to it being addictive. I think that it may be an interesting and complex storyline but I am worried for Izzy because I know that Yin Fen is something bad and it has caused a big reaction from book readers who know more about it. I am very worried for Izzy, I love her so much, and I really hope that this is something she will be able to come back from.

Then we have the Rite of Mourning; oh my gosh I am still crying. The visual of the room, the outfits, the lighting and the rose petals are absolutely beautiful. When Clary walks in she says to Jace that she doesn’t know if she can do it, he reassures her and tells her not to let go of him; they hold hands. I love this, he is there to support and comfort her; showing her that they will get through this together and that he is there for her to lean on if she needs to.

When Clary goes to say her mother’s name she breaks down, she is finally accepting that she is gone and allowing the grief and sadness to overwhelm her. Jace says her name instead, he is clearly upset too and Alec is crying also. This scene is wrecking me. Not only is Alec feeling his own grief and guilt he must be feeling Jace’s grief and regret through their parabatai bond; and vice versa. Kat, Dom and Matt’s acting in this scene is sensational; when they started crying, I started crying too. The emotion of the scene and the emotion they portrayed just captured me; the whole moment was so beautiful.

The moment the white dust ascends is so beautiful, I cannot put into words how beautiful I found it; the music fit the scene so wonderfully too. The entire Rite of Mourning was so incredibly beautiful; the wardrobe, lighting, set, CGI and the acting was just so fantastic.

The last scene is Luke lying on the forest floor, completely naked with blood on his hands and face; he mournfully looks to the sky. He is clearly destroyed from losing Jocelyn and has been shifting; I am anxious for the next episode to see more on how Luke is coping and how he will begin to go back to his life.

I think this may have been one of their best episodes; the dialogue, the pacing, the CGI and the way it is shot is only continuing to improve. We continue to have brilliant character interaction and development with interesting story points and twists. I have now cried two episodes in a row; they are so great at getting the emotion right and the actors are amazing and only getting better.