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basic-otaku · 3 years ago

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My thoughts on Xue Yang's character (based on the drama and novel)

Xue Yang is a character I didn’t fully understand until I finished The Untamed. I looked back on him with a bit of pity but little understanding. It wasn’t until I listened to his character song that I truly began to dissect his character. Reading those lyrics completely flipped my perspective on him, and I went back to watch the Yi City arc again. I was shocked by how much I had missed. Xue Yang has since become one of my favorite characters of the series. I’ve spent so much time thinking about him and his motives that I finally decided to write down my thoughts. This analysis comes mostly from what I perceived, so it may differ from other people’s opinions. You are free to disagree with me.

Let’s start with what we know: Xue Yang was a street kid with a hard childhood. We know he was abandoned at a young age, but we don’t know how young. However, he must have been old enough to survive, so he couldn’t have been younger than four when he started fending for himself. We don’t know who his parents are because he doesn’t remember them, nor does he remember anyone else who had potentially taken care of him. His parents could be dead for all we know, or they could have dumped him somewhere when they no longer wanted to take care of him. It’s all up to speculation. He also has a very high pain tolerance, probably due to constant beatings as a child.

When you’re all alone in the world, you have to learn to put yourself first. There’s no one to care for you, so only you can care for yourself. I believe that Xue Yang wasn’t always a bad person because no one is inherently evil. However, because he was alone, there was no one to nurture him and teach him right from wrong. When all you experience is violence and hatred, that becomes your response to similar situations; you don’t expect kindness or want to give it in return.

One of Xue Yang’s flaws as a child was his naivety — he was much too quick to trust. That’s how he got himself into such a bad situation. He was eager to have something he was never able to have (candy), so he immediately trusted that shopkeeper when he said he could have some as a reward for running an errand. What he got in return wasn’t candy, but a brutal beating and a severed pinky. If Xue Yang had still had any faith left in humanity, this is the point where it would have left him. The remaining childhood innocence in him was gone. This brings me to an interesting piece of dialogue. In Yi City, when Xue Yang confronts Song Lan and tells him what he’s been up to, Song Lan curses at him, calling him an animal. Xue Yang laughs at him and says, “I quit using those words when I was seven.” And what happened to Xue Yang’s finger? “One finger was ground into battered flesh on the spot. The child was seven.” Even Xue Yang himself knows that moment was when everything changed, and he still carries the resentment with him now.

Back to the cart incident. This event scarred him for life and was the primary reason he became a sociopath. Now he’s bent on revenge. He was powerless as a child; just another street rat who shouldn’t be treated like a human being nor spared any pity. So, when he realizes he can do the same to those that hurt him, he takes it much further. When he was old enough and strong enough, he exacts his revenge. He wanted to make the Chang Clan feel his pain — not only for the finger he had lost but for his whole miserable life up to that point. If no one deigned to understand him, then he’d make them understand in the only way he knew how. With violence.

Xue Yang was only fifteen or sixteen when he slaughtered the Chang Clan, killing more than fifty people. This is where he meets Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan. From the first moment, Xue Yang hates Xiao Xingchen. He’s so righteous, so full of light. He thinks he makes the world better just by doing a little good. What a hypocrite. Where was he when he was needed? Where was he when Xue Yang was a seven-year-old boy left crying in the streets after having his finger ground to a pulp? No, nobody can be that good.

When Xue Yang is captured by Wei Wuxian and the others, Xiao Xingchen takes him back to Qinghe to be apprehended, and Xue Yang vows to get his revenge on Xiao Xingchen for it. It isn’t long after he escapes from Qinghe that Xue Yang slaughters Baixue Temple, blinding Song Lan in the process. According to Xue Yang’s logic, hurting Xiao Xingchen’s friend is just as bad as hurting Xiao Xingchen himself. This is what causes the rift between Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan. Without this incident, Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen may never have met again.

A few years have likely passed while Xue Yang was working for Jin Guangyao. He is probably closer to eighteen or nineteen when Jin Guangyao injures him and throws him out, which is how Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing find him. Xiao Xingchen doesn’t hesitate in bringing Xue Yang back to Yi City with him and A-Qing and caring for his wounds. Xue Yang wakes up pained and disoriented, but he immediately tries to back away when he realizes who is tending to him. He doesn’t know Xiao Xingchen is unaware of his identity, and probably thinks that Xiao Xingchen is getting ready to take him to face justice or something. But Xiao Xingchen insists that he doesn’t need to know who Xue Yang is and that he’s only doing what’s right. Xue Yang is clearly shocked by this admission. He truly cannot comprehend kindness, and this is the first time he’s ever experienced it.

This is also the first time we get to see his genuine smile. It’s shocked and incredulous, like he can’t believe this is happening, but it’s there. Throughout the series, Xue Yang’s snarky words and sly smirk are a token of his character, but now we know they are just a mask he uses to hide the small, broken child inside of him. If no one can see the hurt he hides, then no one can hurt him further. But with just one kind gesture, Xiao Xingchen was able to bring out the young boy who just wanted love and comfort.

This kindness is such a foreign concept to Xue Yang that he doesn’t think it’s genuine for a long time. But as the years pass, Xue Yang comes to realize that Xiao Xingchen isn’t a threat. This is something he scoffs at. Xiao Xingchen is ridiculously naïve; so stupid. If he knew who he was living with, who he was eating with, he wouldn’t act like this. He would treat Xue Yang the same way everyone else had. So, Xue Yang decides to trick Xiao Xingchen into murdering innocent people for revenge. Xue Yang can’t wait for Xiao Xingchen to find out what Xue Yang has made him do because it’ll break him. What this revenge is for is up to interpretation. Maybe he’s still angry about being captured and sent to Qinghe. Maybe he’s angry at the world for treating him so badly. Maybe Xue Yang wants to show Xiao Xingchen that his worldview is stupid and that there are no good or pure people in the world. I choose to believe that it’s the last one.

At least, this is his motivation at first — he slowly loses the will to harm Xiao Xingchen. This brings me to another interesting point. In episode three, Xue Yang says he doesn’t fear death, he fears boredom. But isn’t this domestic life he’s living with Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing considered boring by his standards? I think the boredom he speaks of is really the fear of being alone and having nothing at all. Now he’s happy, however reluctantly he’s willing to admit it. He wouldn’t have put up with A-Qing’s petulant behavior if he didn’t enjoy the time they spent together. Although they didn’t get along at first, Xue Yang protects A-Qing and takes care of her like an annoying older brother. He teases her, sure, but he also cuts her apple slices in the shape of rabbits and gives her advice on how to scare away the people who bully her (even though killing them isn’t great advice). Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing were the family he never had. Now he would do anything to preserve the life he is living.

After about a year, Xue Yang’s plan stopped being about revenge. I’m not completely sure how he justified this change of heart, but I like to think he told himself he was still biding his time and that he’d get back to it eventually (even if he had stopped thinking about hurting Xiao Xingchen). Based on what A-Qing told Song Lan when he arrived at Yi City, Xue Yang hadn’t taken Xiao Xingchen out on one of those night hunts in a long time. And most of the people that Xue Yang made Xiao Xingchen kill were the merchants that made fun of his blindness and cheated him with bad vegetables and high prices. It was a messed-up way to get revenge for Xiao Xingchen. Xue Yang hates being looked down on, so shouldn’t Xiao Xingchen feel the same way?

Nevertheless, the time they spent in Yi City was probably the only time Xue Yang had been happy in his entire life. Xiao Xingchen was so in tune with what Xue Yang needed that Xue Yang came to care for him deeply. Whether those feelings were romantic or platonic in nature is up to the viewer, but I believe Xue Yang had fallen in love with Xiao Xingchen in the only sick and twisted way he could. Xiao Xingchen understood him more than anyone ever had, going so far as to listen to his idle ramblings and bring him a piece of candy every day after hearing that he had loved sweets as a child but could never have any. He managed to tame the savage beast in Xue Yang’s heart with only his presence and basic human decency. Xue Yang’s bloodlust was satiated as long as he had Xiao Xingchen to take care of him. At this point, I don’t think he would ever actually kill Xiao Xingchen. He had stopped wanting to hurt him a long time ago. A-Qing? Sure. She’s expendable, but Xiao Xingchen is irreplaceable. Even if Xue Yang reluctantly came to care about her, it wasn’t the same kind of bond. She had never shown him the same kindness that Xiao Xingchen had. He wouldn’t hesitate to hurt her if she betrayed him, but she was important to Xiao Xingchen, which meant he couldn’t do her any harm if he didn’t want to disrupt their happy life.

If Song Lan hadn’t found them, how long would Xue Yang have stayed? I don’t even think he knew. He just knew that he didn’t want to leave anymore. Xiao Xingchen gave him too much for him to want that. The viewer can easily see the happiness in his eyes when he looks at Xiao Xingchen. Xue Yang acts like a kid around him — playing games, joking around, making him laugh with childish remarks. Even in the quiet moments, he’s happy. This was especially noticeable in the campfire scene. It wasn’t shown in the original drama, but in the special edition, Xue Yang smiled at Xiao Xingchen from across the fire, and the look in his eyes as he gazed at his daozhang was so tender that it honestly caught me off guard. It seemed to catch Xue Yang off guard too because he caught himself, and the smile slowly fell. It’s like he realized what he’s doing and remembered that this should be about revenge.

Where in the past, Xue Yang hated Xiao Xingchen for his righteousness, he now loves him for his naivety. Without it, Xue Yang knows that Xiao Xingchen would be disgusted with himself. There would be no more laughs, no more games, and no more smiles. Then Xue Yang would lose the one person who didn’t treat him like dirt. So, when Song Lan finds them, Xue Yang immediately perceives it as a threat to their domestic life. He knows how important Song Lan is to Xiao Xingchen, and there’s no doubt in his mind that Xiao Xingchen won’t hesitate to leave with Song Lan when he discovers Xue Yang’s identity.

Furthermore, Xue Yang resents Song Lan for taking Xiao Xingchen’s eyes (even though it was voluntary on Xiao Xingchen’s part and was essentially Xue Yang’s fault). His logic tells him that having Xiao Xingchen kill Song Lan would be the perfect way for Xiao Xingchen to get his revenge. What Xue Yang doesn’t understand is that not everyone thinks about things in the context of revenge. I don’t believe Xiao Xingchen ever truly regretted giving up his sight. But Xue Yang can’t comprehend how someone could be that selfless.

This is where it all falls apart. A-Qing sees what happened to Song Lan, and she runs to Xiao Xingchen and tells him everything. When Xiao Xingchen comes back to confront him, Xue Yang spills it all. There’s nothing left for him to lose. His mask falls again, and he basically bares his soul to Xiao Xingchen. This is probably the first time he’s told the story about his finger, and I think he genuinely thought Xiao Xingchen was going to understand him; that if he knew what Xue Yang went through, he’d sympathize with him and justify his action (thereby justifying his feelings). Instead of that, however, Xiao Xingchen calls him disgusting, and it flips a switch inside of Xue Yang. How can Xiao Xingchen call him disgusting when he’s killed people too?

I think one of the reasons Xue Yang led Xiao Xingchen to kill those people was to bring Xiao Xingchen down to his level. Xue Yang doesn’t think that anyone can be as good as Xiao Xingchen claimed to be, so he had to taint his perfect record. Maybe if he killed people, Xiao Xingchen would understand him. Xue Yang thought that when Xiao Xingchen found out, he’d stay with him. Now he’s not the same righteous person he used to be, so how could he be good enough to travel the world with Song Lan? No, he should stay with Xue Yang instead and live a happy life together.

So, when Xiao Xingchen calls him disgusting, Xue Yang was probably confused and upset, which made him instinctively put his mask back up. Being vulnerable only hurt him again, so he’s back to harsh words and smirks, telling Xiao Xingchen that this is why he’s always hated him and that all of this was fun. Fun in every sense of the word: the killing and the happiness.

Xiao Xingchen finding out that he killed Song Lan was the last straw. Xue Yang is still laughing as Xiao Xingchen slits his own throat. It takes a moment for the realization to set in, but as it does, the smile falls from Xue Yang’s lips, and his hands begin to shake. This is the third time his mask has fallen. His eyes begin to well with tears, but he tries to keep up his act, saying that dead ones are easier to control, but the only one he’s acting for is himself.

The next scene is the one that really solidified Xue Yang’s feelings for me. He cleans the blood from Xiao Xingchen’s skin with the same care that Xiao Xingchen had shown him when he first found Xue Yang in that ditch. Xue Yang clearly thinks that Xiao Xingchen is going to come back and that the ritual will work, that he staves off his tears and sets out food for both of them. He considers eating his candy but then decides he should wait until Xiao Xingchen comes back. If he’s back, then Xue Yang is sure to get another piece.

When he realizes that the ritual isn’t working and Xiao Xingchen isn’t coming back, he breaks down. The tantrum he throws is so full of rage and anguish that it really shows the depth of his feelings for Xiao Xingchen. Again, he goes back to acting, trying to guilt Xiao Xingchen’s dead body into coming back to life by telling him all the terrible things he’ll do to Song Lan and A-Qing if he doesn’t reawaken. Obviously, Xiao Xingchen can’t hear him, and Xue Yang knows this, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. He finally dissolves into tears, screaming and crying over Xiao Xingchen’s corpse. This may have been the first time he’s cried since he lost his finger. Crying is for innocent, naïve children, and it doesn’t help anybody. But now Xue Yang has had a taste of pure sweetness and doesn’t want to go back to the bitter life he has known, so he finally lets himself weep for all the things he could have had.

Xue Yang spent the next seven years trying to bring Xiao Xingchen back to life with no success. We don’t know much about his activities after Yi City, but we have gotten information through rumors that Shuanghua was being used to kill innocents. It seems like Xue Yang wanted to keep a part of Xiao Xingchen with him. He even continued his sick revenge plot after Xiao Xingchen’s death by gouging out the eyes of and killing the remains of the Chang Clan, including their leader, Chang Ping, by lingchi. Xue Yang doesn’t blame himself in the slightest; he just thinks that Xiao Xingchen’s death was an unfortunate consequence of the situation. He will put the blame on anyone and everyone other than himself. Thus, instead of performing lingchi on himself like Wei Wuxian suggested, he takes out his anger on the remains of the Chang Clan.

Everything Xue Yang does in the present is tied to Xiao Xingchen, yet he still can’t bring him back. So, when he heard that the Yiling Patriarch had suddenly come back to life, Xue Yang knew it was his last chance. The sword ghost/ghost arm is what led Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji to Yi City. It was pointing to its murderer. I’m sure Xue Yang could have avoided a confrontation if he wanted, but this was intentional. As for the juniors, I have a feeling that Xue Yang was behind the cat corpses that led them to meet up with Wei Wuxian. This is still unclear though because Xue Yang doesn’t have a real reason to get them involved. The only person he needs is Wei Wuxian.

Xue Yang has tried everything at this point. So, when Wei Wuxian finds him in Yi City, pretending to be Xiao Xingchen, he is completely desperate. I do wonder if that is something he has done more than once. Did he often go around dressed as Xiao Xingchen? Was he playing with the life they had in Yi City? Pretending he was still there? Or was it a one-time thing to trick Wei Wuxian into dropping his guard? I also wonder how often he used his own sword because only after Lan Zhan took Shuanghua from him did he pull out Jiangzai. That could be because he was acting as Xiao Xingchen, but we can’t be sure. However, that isn’t the point. Right now, Wei Wuxian was Xue Yang’s only option because the Yiling Patriarch surely knew things he didn’t. Xue Yang had lived with Xiao Xingchen’s corpse for those seven years, keeping him in pristine condition. I’m pretty sure the only way Xue Yang could have done this was by giving him spiritual energy every day, which would be incredibly draining. I don’t think Xue Yang had an exceptionally strong golden core to begin with either. He is primarily a demonic cultivator, which means he doesn’t use his golden core often. It must have taken most of his strength to keep Xiao Xingchen’s body in such good condition. But anything for daozhang, right? Xue Yang needed Xiao Xingchen’s body to be perfect when he returned. He also put aside his pride and used Song Lan for protection all those years. He kept the one person he continued to hate with a burning passion around him for so long.

When Wei Wuxian tells Xue Yang he can’t bring Xiao Xingchen back to life because his soul is too broken, Xue Yang refuses to believe it. It’s been seven years already; he can’t give up now. Deep down, I believe Xue Yang knows Xiao Xingchen wouldn’t want anything to do with him even if he did come back, but he can’t figure out why. Because nothing was his fault, of course.

Something Wei Wuxian said really struck me as I went back to rewatch episode 39. Before the fight, Wei Wuxian turns to Xue Yang and says, “you disgust him to the core, yet you still want to pull him back to play this stupid game.” Xue Yang responds with “I want nothing of the kind.” And he’s being honest. He doesn’t want a stupid game — he wants something real. He wants a life where Xiao Xingchen knows his identity and stays with him in spite of it. He just wants one person to accept him as he is, but that will never, nor could ever, happen —not with all the crimes he has committed.

When Lan Wangji cut off his arm, leaving Xue Yang bleeding on the ground, I think he knew it was over. There was nothing left for him now. He was never getting Xiao Xingchen back. He never had him in the first place, not in any way that counted. So he laughs, blood spilling from his lips, to cover up the tears he wishes he could cry.

He’s ready when Song Lan stabs him, dying with a smile on his face as he gazes at the last piece of candy Xiao Xingchen had ever given him. It’s blackened and inedible, yet Xue Yang held on to it for so long; it was a reminder of his daozhang and of why he was fighting so hard. Like his character song said, he was “too determined to let go.”

It’s kind of sad that even in death, he was never respected by anyone other than Xiao Xingchen, and all of that was built on a lie. He didn’t even get a proper burial, although I suppose he kind of deserved it. Xue Yang is the character I pity the most in this series. He isn’t a good person, nowhere near it, and he deserved the end he got, but I wish things could have been different. What hurts is that it just as easily could have been Wei Wuxian. If Xue Yang had been taken in as a child; if he’d had his own Jiang Fengmian, his own Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli, he could have been happier. Maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe he would have met Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan and started a sect with them. Realistically, he and Xiao Xingchen would never be lovers because Xiao Xingchen was so strongly connected to Song Lan, but I think they could have been friends.

However, one question I still have is did Xue Yang fall in love with Xiao Xingchen because of how he treated him or because of the person Xiao Xingchen really was? If they had met under different circumstances (and if Xue Yang had had a support system when he was young), would Xue Yang have still fallen in love with him? I guess that’s up to the viewer to decide.

Ultimately, Xue Yang is still a sociopath who can’t understand empathy or feel remorse, so I don’t think he regretted any of his crimes. However, I do believe that Xue Yang regretted the consequences of his actions in Yi City. He didn’t want Xiao Xingchen to die, but his actions were what caused his death. It’s more of a dissatisfaction with where things ended up than feeling guilty for his death. Although I don’t think Xue Yang felt remorseful, that doesn’t mean he wasn’t grieving, nor does it mean his feelings for Xiao Xingchen weren’t as genuine as they could have been.

I don’t know where Xue Yang or Xiao Xingchen will end up now, but I hope they’ll both be happy in their next lives. The same goes for A-Qing and Song Lan (when he finally meets his true end). There are so many things that contributed to Xue Yang’s unstable mind, but I think the moral of the story is that it pays to be kind. If just one person had taken pity on him as a child — had shown him that there was good in the world — I wonder what kind of person he would have become.

I already know how cruel fate is

Not looking, not asking, not grieving, not hating

Waiting to relive my life just for a single person

Ups and downs in life

I would leave no regrets

I tried searching in the darkness of night

When I am trapped in the past

I still hope that a flicker of light will appear in my heart

The legend of this lonely city

Who came here before?

And gifted to me my karma

I am waiting for this karma to liberate spirits, liberate souls, and liberate me

Even though I am already too determined to let go

If I get rid of these inner demons

Would you forgive me?

Gaining freedom from destiny, starting all over again

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miu-paras · 5 years ago

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Lvl. 5 ⋮ Red // Chapter 1

April 13th, 2019. 3:00 AM. ♪ - Sidewalks and Skeletons / Memory

Evening. On the 21st hour of Sandis Munvar.

The meeting was meant to be private, instructed to take place in the undercroft of the Aedonnoe estate. It was also not something the Grand Minister had planned for their day; Kalar received word earlier of a discovery made in Sen by Eshta kar Ulmervis, a brilliant mulverri inventor and newest member of Kalar’s advisory council. They and a few of their apprentices left Essa many months ago to explore the uninhabited island. Upon their return, a transmission was made to the Minister, urging them to call a meeting. “It is of the utmost urgency,” they said, made evident by their wording and tone.

The meeting was of no trouble to Kalar, who felt more than comfortable leaving their eldest child Rael to run their council and tend to any administrative duties in their stead, a task they felt wary of entrusting to their other children. And if the results of Eshta’s excavation was truly of this much importance, it would be in Kalar’s best interest to give it priority over their other responsibilities for the time being.

Kalar reached the undercroft, albeit several minutes later than Eshta requested. The inventor looked visibly nervous, their pacing and nail biting only ceased by the Minister’s entrance. There was silence for a while, broken as the inventor and their apprentices bow and say their respects.

“Minist—Grand Minister Kalar…” Eshta begins, rising slowly from their forward arching position to meet the Minister’s eyes, who acknowledges them with a small nod of their head. They were far more astonishing up close. They stood nearly as tall as any Mobarri, body lean and muscled and decorated in bands. They were left unhidden due to the more revealing nature of their evening gown (more revealing than their normal wear, at least), and their hair had been drawn back in elegant braids to expose the ones on their face and neck, the 27th of them etched from one temple to the next, its V-shape worn like a crown on their head. A softer look for the usually hard and professional Kalar, but it suited them. It gave them a presence both regal and intimidating, a partnership that fit them quite nicely.

A quick glance around the room and Eshta noticed that Kalar came alone. Perhaps this left them unnerved. Maybe they believed Kalar did not take them seriously, that they viewed this meeting as a waste of their time and would do away with them immediately after. It wouldn’t be the first time they’ve done this. Many nobles of smaller houses have come to Kalar throwing their money and support at the Minister’s feet in hopes they would overlook some of the nobles’… less than legal activities and past transactions. They were, instead, met with swift and unwavering justice.

This, of course, would not be the case for Eshta. Kalar had a sincere amount of trust in their abilities that they did not have for most. Whatever they’d found in their time on Sen, the Minister would not involve anyone else. Kalar alone wanted to know first.

Eshta straightens, clearing their throat as they collect themselves, “F-forgive me for m-my sudden request, but I…. I needed to see you about this…”

Carefully, though with shaking hands, the two apprentices that accompanied Eshta pulled a small case from their satchel, its shell made of pure Ulterian steel. Kalar raises their brow to this, yet continued to watch as the mulverri slowly approached the box. They undid every latch carefully, hands now shaking themselves, and occasionally glanced towards Kalar, perhaps to check whether they were bored or intrigued. Fortunately for them, Kalar’s expression remained interested, and even a little cautious.

The box is held before the Minister, and the lid is carefully lifted. And from it, a bright, blinding light is unleashed, enough that Kalar has to squint and look away. But as their eyes adjust, they take in the sight. And, slowly, their jaw fell agape.

There before them, was an unbelievable discovery. One of insurmountable eminence. It was the [MEMORY REDACTED]

A single tear fell from Kalar’s eyes. I remember because the drop landed against the metal surface of my medallion form. They reached out at some point to grab the [MEMORY REDACTED] before their wrist is held in place by the mulverri, warning them of its danger.

“We do not fully understand it yet,” they stated, “We’ll need to run some… some tests to s-see if [MEMORY REDACTED]

They are all bent on their knees, the now closed metal case held closely against Kalar’s chest, enough that I can hear the low, yet powerful rumbling of the [MEMORY REDACTED]. Kalar spoke softly, in almost a whisper, singing a prayer to the acient Gods. To Umer and Amur. To Aedon. Something Kalar hadn’t done since they were a child. Something they’d never done in the time we were linked.

Kalar spoke clearly and fully after some time. “We need to [MEMORY REDACTED]

The mulverri is protesting. They are more shaken than before, voice raised and waving about as they… they warn us of [MEMORY REDACTED]

“The damned thing itself is [MEMORY REDACTED]

“To go against me is to betray the Empire. And that is not in the best interest of you, or Iannis,” A threat. Offered gently, but still made with serious intent, nonetheless. Kalar was serious, more unremitting in their stance than they’d ever been for any cause.

What they wanted… it was of absolute—

[MEMORY REDACTED]

I am trying…

[MEMORY REDACTED]

They exist in fragments now… teetering away from me…

[MEMORY REDACTED]

A waste…

[MEMORY REDACTED]

Kalar leaves. The mulverri stays. They look ill, burdened with consequence. With duty.

Kalar retreats into silence and solitude. Their heart races. A hand covers their mouth to smother.... their… crying? Or laughter…?

Kalar is—

[MEMORY REDACTED]

Kalar is gone.

[MEMORY REDACTED]

Miu.

[MEMORY REDACTED]

Miu.

[MEMORY REDACTED]

[ Wake up. ]

Sleeping has become somewhat of a difficult practice these days.

It’s mostly because I hardly get any sleep anymore, and because in the rare occasions that I do, I’m transported into a dreamscape unlike any I’ve visited. I’m always left unsure how to feel about them. They feel far less like dreams, and more like… memories. Ones that are not my own. And each one ends the same way, fragmented and tearing apart from the inside out. Then I’m pushed away, and I wake up.

The first few were tame: I’m walking on a beach, white locks falling past my shoulders, rose-colored sand pressed between my toes. It’s warm. It’s light. It feels… familiar. Comforting. I turn to face ruins, carvings and monuments that tell stories of a past I do not know, statues that honor people of a history I can’t remember. I turn the opposite way, and I see society, bustling and alive as ever. I feel… pride swelling within me. I can’t fully explain why I do, but the feeling is there. I move towards that city. My arm stretches out to it. But once I am close, I’m torn away from it, from the dream, all over again.

The next time I sleep, it’s another dream. Maybe a different beach, or a different scene altogether. There are sights familiar to me, some unfamiliar. But the feeling is always the same. The pride is always there. That comfort I feel is always there. I cannot name the places or the people I see, but somehow, in the back of my mind I know that… I’m at home.

This one, however, was vastly different from the rest. What made it so different was that I was aware this time: aware that it was purely a memory. And I could hear—I could feel—Red’s presence there.

Red…

They haven’t spoken to me in two months. Not since we’ve been back.

I could tell it was because something was bothering them. No doubt the deeply disturbing scene we were met with before escaping. My family… my mother’s family… all gone. All lying at my feet. All staring back at me.

No. Nuh-uh. I shake my head, pushing the feeling, the imagery, away from my mind. I won’t go back into that dark place. I’m home now. I’m safe. We’re safe. Maybe we’re a little more broken then when we left, but… we’re okay now. We can heal. People can heal, even from the worst that life can throw at us…

…Right?

[ Miu... ]

Their voice again. It yanks me away from my thoughts, and I straighten, my back pulled away from the bed post.

{ Red… Where have you… what have you— }

[ My apologies. ] They continued, [ Not only for disturbing your sleep, but… for my absence. It’s been… hard. ]

I knew what they meant. Seeing Kalar… it couldn’t have been easy for them. The connection we’ve had for almost a year doesn’t come close to perhaps the centuries they’d spent with my ancestor. It’s a bond I’d probably never be able to comprehend, even if I wanted to.

{ It’s okay. I’m just… glad you’re here now. } I smile to myself, genuine in my response. I missed Red. And hearing them now, knowing they’re okay and with me, was enough.

[ I am glad too. ] They said simply, and it’s silent between us for a moment. I was afraid they retreated again, afraid the next time I’d feel them was in another fractured dream. I’m almost tempted to call out to them, but the silence was broken once more.

[ I.. I am… trying to remember something. Something important. But… I have reason to believe these memories have been purged from my database. ]

{ I see… } I nodded slowly. { So… they are memories… my dreams? }

[ …Yes. ] They answered, [ They are Kalar’s memories. But, the closer I get to something, it all… ]

{ Falls apart? } I interrupted. { Yeah… I was getting that feeling too. }

[ I… I think… Kalar’s actions, the ones they have tried to erase from me… I think they may have led to their downfall. ]

Oh.

I was standing now, pacing around my room trying to process what Red was telling me. Kalar’s downfall was Urrali. The downfall of everything was Urrali. Which meant…

{ …You think Kalar caused Urrali somehow?? }

[ No. But I think what they found may have. ]

{ …How do you know? }

[ I don’t know. I simply… have a feeling. ]

{ You told me I should never rely on feelings. }

[ Well, a feeling is all I have, considering my mind is very splintered at the moment. ]

{ …Well… maybe we’re mistaken. Maybe Kalar was— }

[ I don’t know how to feel about Kalar anymore. ]

I was cut off. And taken aback. In all the time I’ve known Red, they’ve done nothing but sing Kalar’s praises. Kalar, the Scourger. Kalar, the greatest tsanagar to ever walk the face of Ulteria. Kalar, the grandparent who’s name I would never live up to. Grand Minister fucking Kalar.

And now Red was telling me they didn’t trust them anymore.

{ …What changed? }

[ You did. ]

I raised my brow { I did? }

[ You’ve changed my perspective on some things. ]

They are silent. I am silent. I didn’t know what to say, what to interject with. All I could do was process their words in hopes they would continue with their thoughts, explain themselves. Which they did.

[ I always used to think the source of Kalar’s greatness was in their power. Not merely their physical power, but their mental and political strength as well. They were cunning. Ambitious. Commanded the respect of their peers simply by entering a room. They were a great leader, and an even more exemplary tsanagar. Being linked to that mind… one with such creativity, focus and drive… I believed strongly that it was a bond all tsanista should strive towards. Because what mattered more than power? What should a tsanista desire more than to be utilized to our fullest potential? That was all I wanted. And no one, I mean no one, could fulfill that wish better than Kalar, the Scourger.

But… Kalar is gone. And in my time apart from them I’ve realized that something was… lacking. Not only in them, but amongst most Camerians. I believe they all felt the way I did: to respect power. To follow it. Tsanista were programmed with the same ideologies, same values, same desires. And yet still there is something… lacking… something I didn’t realize until I met you.

You are nothing like Kalar, that much is certain. You share their ambition, but only in things some would consider frivolous. You are powerful, but lack any form of control. You are jovial, yet hedonistic. Brave, yet impulsive. And above all else… you are compassionate. And I say this with earnest, because compassion is not a concept I have understood to its full extent until I crossed paths with you. This isn’t to say the Camerians were uncaring, certainly not, but I also wouldn’t say it was the trait that most defined them. But you… you were merely a child when you first met me. You did not understand what I was, or what power I possessed. But you still cared for me, held me close to your heart and wore me around your neck because of what I represented: family. Heritage. Things that were important to you, even at such a young age.

You are driven by your love for the people in your life. Not power, not access, not status. But love. For family, for friends, for those you only just met. Even without being linked, you watched over me your whole life. You showed me that same love. And for that, I... I am grateful to have you. ]

My chest rose and fell, keeping pace with my slow breaths. I was unable to stand halfway through Red’s speech, collapsing back onto the bed as my hands quickly wiped at my dampened cheeks. I was so used to being compared to the one who came before, so used to feeling inadequate, like nothing I did could ever come close or ever be enough. But now the song has changed.

[ You have much to learn, but… I have trust in your capacity to learn them. And while you are not Kalar… I wouldn’t ask you to be. I believe that one day… you will exceed them. ]

{ Red, I… I don’t know what to say… }

My head is silent once more, neither of us talking as the room is filled with nothing but the sound of my sniffles. I call out for them again, not wanting the moment between us to pass so soon…

But they don’t answer.

{ Red…? } I call again, but no answer.

“Red?” I say it aloud this time.

Nothing.

They retreated again. I don’t know when I’ll hear from them again. Maybe another two months. Maybe in my dreams.

Maybe…

There’s a warmth against my arm. I thought perhaps the hot, stinging tears breaching my lids had fallen against the exposed skin. But the warmth spread far too wide for that. And it grew hotter, and hotter. Until it was burning.

My gaze shoots down to see light forming around my forearm, right beneath Red’s marking on my wrist. I bite down hard on my lip to suppress the scream that so desperately wanted to escape, my hand wrapping around the golden light. It burned in a way that felt so familiar. I remember it well, the pain of being dragged by my hair across the cold, wooden floor, the heat forming at my wrist only tempered by the cool metal as Red wound tightly around it, and us, together, killing my assailant.

And then… the burning stopped. And in its place the marking that read “oath.”

But this one did not carry the same lettering. It didn’t look the same, either.

The band, not a large one by any means, but certainly not as small as my first marking. It wrapped around my forearm, the elaborate Camerata script drawn on the inside, all the way around until it met at the triangle in its center.

My heavy breathing slowed as the sensation died down. I could feel something different within me. A change.

Or maybe… a gift.

[ You will earn more once you are ready. ]

My thumb traced along the outside of the band. My eyes search desperately for meaning in the etchings that I cannot read. Everyday, my bond grows deeper. I am changed in ways I cannot explain and have yet to fully understand. But… I am not opposed to them.

[ ⋖◈⋗ ] Now Processing… First Band Received Repair I Function Activated

#p: red

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