#look folks I never said I wasn't biased

[karlkapri]

― ”Going There”, Jack Gilbert.

Hockey Poetry Post 24/?

(Photo credit: Carlos Gonzalez, Bruce Kluckhohn, David Berding, Bailey Hillesheim, David Berding, Bruce Kluckhohn, Bailey Hillesheim, David Berding, David Berding, Sam Hodde)

[cricketgutz]

Been thinking about that one post you made on this blog about representation and your characters. I don't think you should sell yourself short on Zeki? Zeki being sexual may not be groundbreaking for a gay character, but it is unique for an autistic character. I'd also play devil's advocate to say that while a rude autistic character isn't original, it's neat to see that it's not being attributed to autism and he's knowingly an insecure asshole.

I'm also extremely biased towards characters who are terrible and always love to see them, so keep that in mind LOL

Thank you!! And yes absolutely with Zeki's autism... I love what Tibbs has done with that part of his character. There's a lot of people in his life that DO see him as more naive than he is, and getting away from being babied for his """condition*""" to experience his sexuality on his terms was an important part of what got him to the Gulch, for better or for worse. And yeah!! Zeki's a dickhead yes, and he'd be a dickhead even if he wasn't autistic, though it adds a bit to it in the way that he looked in the mirror one day and said to himself, "Well, everyone thinks I'm rude no matter what I do, so who cares about wasting that energy masking for people that will never give me the same respect." Which, in outlaw country, having a nasty bark is key for survival, and the people that matter to him care for him enough to know how to read him anyway.

another thing i really love about him is a lot of his traits that make him seem stuck up are just part of being on the spectrum, like avoiding eye contact, speaking monotone and to the point, easily irritated when overstimulated, etc- and I hope folks that are frustrated by being seen negatively for those traits can look at this stick man and say "this guy gets it," because both Tibbs and I put our own experiences into that.

And as for your bias about terrible characters, I don't think you even gotta add that because IMO it would be WAY worse if everyone else in the gulch were the terrible people they are, and then we made the canonically diagnosed autistic character the only sweet charming nice one... I know for certain Tibbs hates that stereotype and I know better than to do that myself haha

Zeki is for everyone on the spectrum that has ever said "arent you tired of being nice? don't you want to go apeshit?"

*his parents words, not mine

hopefully this all makes sense!!

[skaruresonic]

Same anon here, my message wasn't directed at you, I should have worded that better, its about the loli and shota dudebros on Twitter who cyberbully fans for drawing Sonic being trans or Naruto as black, calling them a *etard, then go on on how drawing kiddy cartoon porn is biased. When characters like Tails are obvious not like that and would never do that.

...Sorry about that, I didn't really get that from your message.

People sometimes accuse me of being a creep for my stance on fiction. One time an anon managed to convince a former mutual in another fandom that I had, quote, a "prurient interest in underage Sonic the Hedgehog characters" and showed them posts where I... poked fun at anti-Shadria arguments (?) and pointed out that my parents had an age gap and were in a perfectly healthy relationship (?)

I still think about it and laugh, but sometimes it's like bro why do antis exist in Half-Life. This is an M-rated video game about alien fascists.

Besides, that anon said they trawled through "three hundred" pieces of evidence. That's hours of scrolling without reporting. If they really thought that was, quote, "fictional CSEM" they were looking at, then the cops would be interrogating them hardcore on why they didn't report it the moment the first image loaded onscreen. Real "girl, what were YOU doing at the Devil's sacrament" moment.

In short, I tend to be pretty knee-jerk when it comes to this stuff. When you're a proshipper, folks tend to call you "pedo" over the stupidest shit.

Still, I apologize for reading aggression into your ask when it wasn't intended and for overreacting. Maybe just put a "general you" in there or something next time (gah why doesn't English have one already).

And to answer your ask, yeah, they shouldn't be harassing people. That still falls under "let people do what they will in fanart." You can take umbrage with concepts without attacking people.

[jyndor]

My guess is that “this is a first for me” now refers to the fact that Cassian’s never been in prison while awaiting execution. He’s been sent to prison for crimes not punishable by death (not that prison wasn’t its own death sentence, at least on Narkina 5) but he’s never been locked in a cell knowing he could get a blaster bolt between the eyes within hours of being locked up. The Partisans were almost certainly planning to execute him, Chirrut and Baze; they just had to clear it with Saw first. As a secondary qualifier, it could also refer to the type of prison; it’s probably the smallest cell he’s ever been in, and it’s in a cave instead of an incarceration facility.

lol okay so i really went in on this as is my mo, not because anything you said is wrong or whatever lol it's your opinion. but it's sparked Discourse in my head rip

i feel like since the show aired i just haven't been explaining myself clearly with this but i'll try: i don't care what headcanon someone uses to handwave a thing that doesn't track 100%. i do it when something just doesn't track to ME or when i feel like telling canon to fuck off lol askdhasjdh but people will use their headcanon explanations to tell folks canon is still consistent. it's NOT lol it's a retconnnnnn

this is why i don't like retcons generally speaking. it just isn't that hard to stick to what canon already says, and while this one isn't really important at all (like it's a comment cassian makes offhandedly and can easily be handwaved like this) i think writers should try to avoid retcons (not always, sometimes things should be retconned because they're trash? but usually yeah retcons are meh). and then when you've got like a relatively small fandom like rogue one's that has been going along with what we all thought was canon until the show aired, it's extremely aggravating to be told that oh actually what we thought was true (even though until a few months ago it was) is not true anymore and aren't we crazy for not seeing that??? not that you have said any of that btw im not talking about you lol.

like i shouldn't have to qualify things to make them make sense with the main piece of media - which rogue one is. andor is a prequel to rogue one. rogue one is not a sequel to andor. andor has the responsibility to track with rogue one because it's supplementary material for rogue one. plus rogue one came out first. i shouldn't have to do mental gymnastics to make little moments in rogue one still make sense. and luckily i can divorce andor from rogue one pretty well and handwave shit and come up with my interpretations like yours and other fans' but we shouldn't HAVE to. it isn't a high bar to meet to be consistent.

when i analyze media, i always start with an out-of-universe (doylist) approach. i look for preconceived notions that might have influenced the writing, i look for motivations and at the history of the writers, etc. and then i can more easily take an in-universe (watsonian) approach. it's just hard for me to ignore inconsistencies, writer biases, real world context etc. probably because i have ocd and i am very literal. that's a personal problem lmfao.

so i can't even get there with things like this because it's obvious to me that tony gilroy, who did not write the film, wanted to tell a great story. he wanted to write what he wanted to write and wasn't super concerned with it lining up 100% with the film in a literal way. and he did. i mean all gripes aside andor is a fabulous show. easily the best thing i've seen all year. but i've still got my gripes lmfao.

in this case i think it's understandable that he'd do that because it actually doesn't make a whole lot of sense that cassian wouldn't have gotten caught by someone at some point. it is more reasonable that he would have. and for someone like the cassian in the show who is certainly anti-imperial, has politics despite what other people in the show say, but is not necessarily radicalized, yeah it makes sense that being sent to prison based on some bullshit xenophobic profiling would radicalize him. that is me doing some in-universe analysis btw.

but let's not kid ourselves. it doesn't fit with that line. before the show aired, not a single viewer thought he was lying or on some obi-wan bullshit with the "certain point of view" thing at that moment. yes, he's a liar. yes, he's a spy.

chirrut, who knows cassian is a captain not because cassian tells him he is but because of the force lol (this is why cassian gives him a weird look like 'how the fuck do you know that???'), takes him at his word and then says 'there is more than one sort of prison' meaning that just because cassian hasn't been literally locked up, it doesn't mean he doesn't have things that hold him back or imprison him metaphorically. that's the whole point of that moment - and lol it's actually kind of a more insulting retcon than I initially thought because chirrut reads cassian extremely well throughout the film with the force. but apparently he doesn't because he takes cassian at his word on jedha.

when cassian is about to go assassinate galen and he's avoiding jyn's eyes and being all shady lol, the camera keeps panning to chirrut looking away from the rest of the group but with a very disgusted expression on his face. he tells jyn that 'the force moves darkly around a creature that is about to kill' when she is like ??? the fuck do you mean by does cassian look like a killer?????

my point is that chirrut has a very good understanding of cassian's vibes in the force. chirrut takes him at his word on jedha but he is visibly disgusted by cassian on eadu. cassian actually being in prison before jedha changes chirrut's connection to the force for me. hmm now i'm mad LOL.

we were not intended to think cassian was lying on jedha. we were however intended to catch how shifty cassian was being on eadu - not making eye contact with jyn in a very overt way, not making a whole lot of sense to anyone, chirrut's callout, baze's deliberate use of "he has the face of a friend" but not that he IS a friend (although he is <333) because again. spy. mask. lying. that's what baze and chirrut call out on eadu, and what makes jyn realize that she fell for cassian's deception. it's really important that chirrut's connection to the force is credible because otherwise lol okay he's just some guy who fights well. he's not that - he's a guardian of the whills and his connection to the force is undeniable if not defined.

cassian's lying on eadu until he has his moment of truth. it's a different feel than his interactions with everyone else on jedha (although when he's talking to jyn about meeting tivik's sister he deliberately doesn't make eye contact).

cassian makes eye contact when he's being honest - the hangar scene, the eadu fight with jyn (which... lol im not even going there right now), definitely on scarif a number of times and most notably in the elevator. when he's lying, he gets avoidant.

that's a deliberate choice by the writers, director and diego ofc. in 2015/2016.

cut to 2020/2021 or whatever and tony gilroy, who did an immense amount of work on rogue one with the reshoots (allegedly mostly in the 3rd act of the film although that first scene with cassian is all him lol - also side note why couldn't he have cut the bor gullet smdh) to the point that he got a screenwriter's credit because of SWG(? the union idk) rules (totally fair of course, but i think a lot of people don't know that he didn't literally write the film or create cassian lol), is writing the best story he can and isn't really worrying about how much it tracks with minutiae from the film or like idk what pablo hidalgo wrote in guidebooks lol (pretty sure that's where the fest thing came from as well as him being 26 and jyn being 22? but also i mean im not sure if that hadn't been decided by the writers of the film).

i mean you'd have to ask him but im sure he'd say as much - that he wanted to tell a great story and as long as it was mostly consistent or could be considered consistent with who cassian will be in rogue one, it's easily handwaved or explained. and yeah that's true for most people but unfortunately for me i'm neurodivergent as hell with a hyperfixation on this dumb film and plus i have severe ocd so i notice discrepancies. and they annoy me.

i wanna be clear: i don't think this is the most egregious retcon of the show. not at all. but i'd like people to acknowledge that it is a retcon and that no, gareth edwards and chris weitz and gary whitta did not intend for cassian to be like "well actually what i meant is that technically, i have been imprisoned but i wasn't sentenced to death" or whatever reason we may now individually use to make it make sense. and i don't see a problem with doing that - i literally make headcanon all the time because canon ends in a way im sad about LOL. but this is headcanon. because canon doesn't track with itself.

also just a note: personally i think it's pretty clear cassian knows that narkina COULD be a death sentence. cassian understands narkina is dangerous as hell from the moment he steps his bare foot onto that metal floor. they fry people. he's smart, to me he knows it's a potential death sentence. but that's just my interpretation of the show.

i think the best way to handwave this retcon is to say cassian hasn't been imprisoned by rebels before or by alleged allies. or maybe in service of the rebellion.

*and cassian recognizes chirrut's force-ishness immediately, which is why he asks if he's a jedi. (it's why im like lol everyone just shut up about cassian not knowing what jedi are, i don't need an explanation for how he learns about them. i don't need them to make a big thing of whether or not cassian knows what jedi are because of course he does, jedi are in fact extremely well known in the galaxy and this is an area where im like tony gilroy stay on your lane XD)

[destinyc1020]

Anyway, AJB is a hardcore hater not only of Zendaya but of Beyoncé as well. She has the market cornered on a black critic working for a white-owned outlet being horribly nasty against successful Black female artists. How can you watch Challengers and claim that Z is "sexless"?

And frankly I don't give a fuck. This is Zs first widely released theatrical movie as a lead and people expect her to be able to decide everything about the film as if she was a billionaire self-financing the movie. And if 2 black men were cast as Patrick and Art, Z would receive the same criticism that she received when she acted opposite JDW, that she should have left that role for a dark skin black woman. For these critics Z is supposed to not work and just act as a cheerleader. I'm glad that Z is continuing to do her thing because some people will hate whatever she does

Thanks girl for your input. :) Idk this critic (Angelica Jade Bastié) , or her history... Maybe she's a bit biased?? 🤷🏾‍♀️

But I don't have anything against people sharing their honest thoughts, feelings and viewpoints on a piece of work, as long as their feelings are coming from a genuine place, and are NOT just being used as a tool to hate on someone simply for existing or due to jealousy. (JMHO?)

I can understand (as a black woman) feeling some frustration with Hollywood and the industry. To me, her points weren't all a slight against Zendaya, but more so the Hollywood industry who usually only promotes a certain "type" of Black women in mainstream roles.

I also feel like what one person thinks is "sexy" might vary from person to person? 🤷🏾‍♀️ Being "sexy" is more than just taking off your outergarments or having a threesome depicted onscreen. It goes deeper than that? You can be sexy w/out even taking off your clothes lol. Maybe for that particular critic, she just wasn't feeling it?? Again, I'm just like, hey.... different strokes for different folks. I never judge what people find sexy or what they don't. I just feel like it's all subjective anyway?

But anyway, I totally agree w/you... I think Z should just continue to do what she's been doing! I personally think she's been killing the game. 😊 I never believe someone should just quit what they're doing JUST because they might get hate, or because some aren't appreciative of their work. That's nonsense. I also don't think Z should avoid working with black actors and actresses simply due to fear of backlash (OR "blacklash"). 🙄 That makes no sense whatsoever. She has a right to work in black films just like any other actor out here.

With that said. I personally think two things can exist at the same time. You can support and appreciate light-skinned actresses, while still at the same time recognizing the double-standard in HW, and the fact that some black actresses who look a certain way aren't given the same power, roles, or mainstream success as their lighter-hued counterparts. I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting that? 🤷🏾‍♀️

[multi-facets]

Anime Rambling.

[Warning: There's a lot of improper language, upsetting statements, misogyny, and references to violent acts in this post.]

I recently had a short chat with @und8e2ff (hi there [waves]) about misogyny in anime and anime fandoms, and they encouraged me to say more from my point of view. So since it's a Sunday and there's not much else to do now that most of my chores are completed (aside from working on my novel), I figured "eh, why not."

Fair warning: I'm coming to this subject with my own experiences and biases. If you want a truly smart commentary on this, I'm not the right person to ask.

I was a younger teen when the North American Anime Boom of the '90s hit. I'd seen anime before and simply never known it ("Hans Christian Andersen's The Little Mermaid" on VHS, "Grimm's Fairy Tales" on Nick Jr, and "Warriors of the Wind" on VHS at five or six, for instance), but now shows like "Sailor Moon," "Ronin Warriors," "Dragonball Z," and "Mobile Suit Gundam Wing" (to name a few) were taking over the airwaves, and audiences hadn't seen plots or animation like theirs before.

Magical girls. Giant mecha. Transforming boys. Screaming warriors. It was all a massive hit, transforming American entertainment and art in ways that could never have been predicted in the '90s. Several webcomics kicked off by imitating their style. Conventions started become more varied in what they could offer. Dubbing looked like a viable career. Fansites sprang up, the fanfiction scene that had been around for ages suddenly exploded thanks to newbies, and fan reactions ranged from "That scene was so moving!" to "I did some research, and that symbolism is compelling," to "I love everything about the art and the style," to "The politics are hard to follow, can anyone explain?" to "How was this phrased in Japanese, does anyone know?" to "Holy crap this is a lot more censored than I realized," to "OMFG I FUCKING HATE MIAKA/RELENA/CHIBI-USA/MIA THEY'RE SUCH BITCHES WHORE SLUTS CUNTS I'M GONNA KILL THEM ALL THEY'RE ALL SO USELESS THEY DESERVE TO BURN IN HELL HEERO/RYO/PICCOLO/TAMAHOME/DARIEN/KURAMA IS MINE ALL MINE DO YOU HEAR ME MINE!"

.... wait, what?

Yeah. That- That was a thing. It was disturbing to see the sheer vehemence, vitriol, and sheer HATRED female characters in anime were getting. There were sites slamming them at every turn for their behavior, their clothing, their skill sets, their roles, and personalities. No female character could do anything right. If they were modest homemakers who were genuinely happy to be married with kids, they were reeling feminism back a hundred years. If they were action girls, they were stealing the show from the men. If they were outclassed in any way, they were useless crybabies. If they were aloof political figures trying to survive a rocky political climate, they were frigid bitches.

And most of this was coming from girls and women.

Now, folks more articulate than me have pointed out why these reactions happened, and the essays are varied and well thought out. But back then, in the thick of it, I only saw an insane amount of immaturity, insecurity, low self-esteem, jealousy, envy, rage and hatred against fictional female characters for the "crime" of being cute girls or attractive women around adorable boys and hot men.

I could be wrong, of course: Like I said, I'm talking about this now through several years and my own experiences and biases. But when you find posts saying (for instance) characters like "Fushigi Yuugi's" Miaka deserved to be raped because she's such a stupid bitch and doesn't deserve Tamahome.... yeah, that sticks with you. Back then, I don't think any of these people had much perspective or understanding, or even empathy. I didn't even fully understand just how fucked some of these characters' lives were until much later, but I still wasn't advocating for their deaths.

Like- okay, I'm sorry, but there's still lots of sexism in anime. Female characters always had to be less powerful than men in combat, or they were non-combatants. Setsuna Mudo of "Angel Sanctuary" flat-out tells the demon princess Kurai, an impressive dragon-summoning sorceress despite her relatively young age, that women are supposed to be beautiful so men will want to protect them. Some female characters don't get a chance to shine unless there's a minimal male presence. Go Nagai's first run of the "Devilman" manga was cut short, so he took it out on Miki Makimura by having her killed in the story, and ever since then, there is barely any incarnation of her that doesn't get murdered or just have lousy luck, and she almost never truly has a chance with Akira Fudo, the boy she loves. Admittedly, I don't know if Nagai-sensei wrote it all like that because he thought it was the only way the story could go, or if he really did make Miki the target of his disappointment, but he has hardly ever thrown her a bone, either.

As for what the characters were going through, Chibi-Usa was over nine hundred years old, but she'd been stuck as a child for that long and was clearly suffering from survivor's guilt and PTSD. Usagi herself was FOURTEEN when she saw the scope of evil she was up against, and heard she was caught in a tragedy in her last life. Saori Kido of "Saint Seiya" was admittedly a spoiled brat, but got a severe reality check when her grandfather died and she learned she's the incarnation of a GODDESS with all the attached responsibilities that go with it at what was originally thirteen years old! But guess what, that lead to character development!

Relena Darlian saw her father get caught in an explosion, and before he died of his injuries, he told her she was adopted, which is a hell of a thing to tell your shell-shocked kid before you croak. And Relena would later be yanked into politics as a puppet while struggling with her lost innocence and attempting to uphold ideals too big for her to handle alone. Hell, how do we know she wasn't suicidal when she yelled for Heero to come kill her? I'm not saying she didn't make some foolish choices, but hell, she was what, fifteen when her life went tits-up? It's not often we make good decisions at that age!

Nasute Yagyu/Mia Koji of "Yoroiden Samurai Troopers/Ronin Warriors" was seventeen when Japan went to Hell, and instead of freaking out, she stole a policeman's bike, pedaled to the epicenter of the crisis, protected a lost child, and demanded that the heroes stop competing against each other and work together. And it worked! And when her poor grandfather died as a result of the Youjakai's/Netherworld's forces targeting him, Mia got to work through her tears to become the expert the Troopers/Warriors needed. Ryo even tried to tell her that she really should take a moment because of her loss, but she kept going because she was still badly needed and her grandpa entrusted all his work to her.

These are just a few examples, but I kept seeing fans, especially girls, who had absolutely no empathy about any of it, insisting they could be stronger, better, smarter, more helpful, more powerful. (That's called hubris, y'all.) The fanfiction scene reflected this, in which female characters were treated like shit, tortured, raped, murdered horribly, drastically misrepresented to make the self-inserts look better, or just written out entirely so the fans could write themselves in and.... usually do exactly what the female characters did. Or they would die heroically cradled by the hero they coveted. Or they would write reams of yaoi that still forced the male characters into heteronormative roles. (Again, just a few samples.)

I'll pause here to say there's nothing wrong with wanting to be part of a story that means a lot to you. I just rarely saw any well-done, non-hateful examples of it in those days.

And y'know what? These fans wouldn't even HAVE their pretty boys in giant mechs if female fans in Japan hadn't set a precedent! When "Mobile Suit Gundam" was CANCELED during production (we nearly had a world without Haro!), a letter-writing campaign saved it, and who wrote the majority of those letters? Girls and women from fifteen to twenty-five! They saved "Mobile Suit Gundam," and it became a franchise that is still a worldwide hit!

I was very, very confused about all this as a teenage girl, and now that I'm forty-one, I still don't really get it, especially since sexism is still a problem in media and reality. (This was all happening during the "Girl Power!" trend, too. It was so counter-intuitive. Why weren't we banding together to support the female characters and try to get more women in media? Why weren't the fans inspired to try writing their own things if they were so disappointed with female characters instead of lashing out?) There are even male content creators who get upset when their work is aimed at men, but also draws a large female audience that gets them paid.

But it does make me wonder what those hateful fans would think if I was able to go back in time and tell them "Hey, there's a series called 'Gundam: The Witch From Mercury' and it has a lesbian couple as pilots. Yeah, no pretty boys front and center this time, we got some awesome young ladies showing their stuff instead."

And I also wonder if, now that we're all older, they'd have the experience, perspective, knowledge, and empathy to look back at their behavior and say "How embarrassing. I wasn't being kind at all."

Because hell. Like I said: It's not always easy to make good choices as a teenager.

[goopgirlie813]

Yeah, I agree.

I originally took their position because the information available to me presented the state of Israel as invaders who lied about the land being theirs to justify wiping out the "true" indigenous population so that they could create a theocracy/ethnostate. I'm still not 100% clear on what exactly the situation is on whose from where and when, but I know that its more nuanced than that and quite frankly doesn't matter as much as where people call home right now.

I can see now that there's a lot of gaps and biases in the reasoning that led me there, but I wasn't open to seeing them at the time. Whenever someone called me out on one of those flaws I would find a work around or imagined scenario or something that allowed me to not look at it.

The primary reason for this was that I wanted to be a good person and good people stand against genocide with no exceptions, right? I was terrified of ending up on the wrong side of history and wanted desperately to do good in the world.

Problem was I had already decided what the "truth" was of what was going down so I wasn't open to exploring any further. I wasn't as bad as, say, a hardcore Trump supporter who calls everything that challenges them "fake news." But I certainly did let a lot of things slide with "sure I'll look into that if I get the time but I don't have the energy to verify it rn. Seems sus tho." And then never returning. Nothing anyone said could make me consider something to be significant unless I wanted it to be.

I want to note that none of this was concious, btw. I had zero awareness that I was doing any of this and believed that I was interacting honestly with the situation. My high school psychology class did not do the lessons on cognitive dissonance justice at all. I want to make it 100% clear because it wasn't to me, there is basically zero concious awareness of cognitive dissonance happening. Everything happens in the background and the gaps are filled in, the same way your brain fills in your eyes' blind spot, adds color to your peripheral vision, or ignores your nose's presence in your field of vision. There may be brief blips of doubt, but they are explained away to quickly to take root and usually just get translated into anger (at least, in scenarios like this one).

Unfortunately, I don't have an easy answer for how to get through to these folks because in my case it was my own personality. I have a habit of making myself engage with "the other side" and trying to put myself in their shoes so that I can better understand how to approach the disagreement holistically. I hold the philosophy that argument/debate should not be about coming out on top but rather should be about finding a solution that addresses all concerns. This isn't usually compatible with real life debates, but it does remind me to make sure I'm not strawmanning people so I keep it.

It took months of me making myself read posts and comments that I deemed "pro-Israel" to actually change my opinion. You know what did it? A conversation under a post celebrating the Tim Walz pick over Josh Shapiro because the latter is "Pro-Israel", in which a commenter called out the fact that the two had the same stance on Israel and that singling out Shapiro was antisemitic. It took me attempting to argue with two separate people and googling the situation with the intent of proving them wrong to actually realize halfway through, "wait. I have two quotes side by side proving these people right. I found the sources myself so I know no one has altered them. Holy shit there really is no genuine reason for this stance." And the only reason that that didn't get brushed off as "I guess you're right in this instance but it was just a fluke," was that the only logical explanation for this criticism of Shapiro was antisemitism, which is bigoted and harmful, and "holy shit I've been doing something that I believe is appalling."

That realization made me realize that if I could commit an act of antisemitism here I could easily be doing it elsewhere, which led to the first bit of genuine openness to other stances. Because I couldn't stomach the possibility of being in the wrong when I was trying so hard to be good.

Since then I have had to confront many of the things that led me there, the most easily explainable being the blatantly obvious "you do not have to be thinking about a person's race while acting in order for that act to be racist." I could see and criticize that behavior in others as one of the most obvious things in the world, but somehow the fact that I had been raised with basically zero input, positive or negative, about jewish people resulted in me convincing myself "I can't be antisemitic, I don't even know anything about jewish people." Which is... really stupid.

Regardless, that entire realization only occured because I chose to expose myself to things I disagreed with, chose to fact check something another person said, and already had a less radical stance than many of these folks. Namely, seeing voting as a "would you rather" not a "find the perfect person."

I'm still trying to figure out how to get through to them.

Kamala Harris is NOT pro-Israel (part 1)

Edit: since so many people on this site love to piss on the poor, I should state very clearly that I'm not claiming "Harris has never said anything positive about Israel" I mean that she's not against Palestine as trolls are claiming, she is fighting for a two-state solution, as you would know if you watched her acceptance speech or you actually bothered to read this post before hurling insults at me.

I'm sure a lot of this is just alt-right trolls trying to stop leftists from voting for her, but to all the genuinely well-intentioned people out there, please read this post (and the others too, preferably)

1: In her acceptance speech on Thursday, Kamala made it clear that she wants an immediate ceasefire with a peaceful, two-state solution, and for all hostages to be freed.

2: "But Biden is pro-Israel!" She is not Joe Biden. She is Kamala Harris. She still works for him, and can't speak out against his handling of the war publicly. Similarly, she was NOT in charge of his policies.

3: "But why isn't she doing more?" She, along with others in the administration, have been working on negotiating for a while now. There are rumors that Trump told Israel not to accept so she would look worse, but these are not proven

4: "But the DNC didn't have a Palestinian speaker!" Kamala Harris is not in control of the DNC. She does not control who speaks there. The DNC likely did this because the war is an incredibly divisive issue and they didn't want to alienate the many politicians who are staunchly pro-Israel. it sucks, but it is not because of Kamala.

Even if you don't believe me for whatever reason, what harm would come from voting for Harris? What good would come of not voting for her? It's either her or Trump, it's not like if you don't vote no one will be elected. This is what all this anti-Harris propaganda never mentions, as they lie to you about her stance.

Voting is not about endorsing someone who is perfect. No one is perfect and no politician will 100% line up with your beliefs. Politics is about deciding which candidate you would rather have in office, and right now your options are Kamala Harris, or Donald Trump. Who would you rather have running the country?

[communistkenobi]

Masks were mandatory at my college until maybe March or April. It felt so weird seeing everyone without masks in the classrooms. It also felt weird how a lot of folks were acting like they were finally being liberated from some great burden. I don't always like wearing masks, but it became habitual. I mean, I wore masks every day for at least 10 hrs each day for almost 2 years, so ofc it became habitual. But my parents (who never liked a lot of pandemic mandates) would get so...weird?? Whenever they visited and I was wearing a mask. My dad especially, like I'd get into the car with my mask still on out of habit and he'd get genuinely pissed, like "why are you still wearing that" no matter how many times I explained I just wear it all the time, I forgot it was there, it's not a big deal, and he'd still be mad. So then I'd started to feel guilty about wearing masks whenever my parents were around, like what if I am a sheep—and I knew I wasn't, but they clearly thought it was stupid and (tho they never said it) I was stupid, and so I couldn't help but wonder what if it is? What if I am? So I get this guilt about wearing masks or asking for a mask when we're out in public, and then I'll feel guilty about not wearing a mask, and then I'll feel guilty whenever I have moments where I'm in public and not wearing a mask and realize that I feel guilty. I just never understood why they felt so strongly opposed to me doing it even tho I'm immunocompromised and had a bad scare where I was quarantined in 2021 only 2 months after I got out of ICU. I don't know if they understand, either. And now I feel so self-conscious about masks and I'm not sure how to analyze the source of that discomfort. And I'm feeling bad for not conforming to whomever's idea of what's right for me to do??? Or is it something less sinister but still troubling like I only care about making people happy????

Sorry about this, I don't mean to dump, just that your posts got me thinking and I don't see a lot of discussion about masks nowadays

It’s okay! Also like just to be clear, the whole sheep thing is horseshit and pure projection. the actual “sheep” are people who stop wearing masks the moment it’s no longer required by law. Wearing a mask is a public health decision the same way looking both ways before you cross the street is, the same way washing your hands when you go to the bathroom is. Yes it’s your personal individual “right” to run into traffic or take a shit and not wash your hands, but your actions have consequences that are potentially life threatening to other people. Those habits are a personal protection as much as they’re a protection for other people. and like I get weird looks a lot too, but at the end of the day you’re making a concerted effort to help yourself and other people, and you shouldn’t feel bad about that.

Also god my campus was similar. Like I’m biased and one of those assholes who is a genuine believer in the academy as an institution, but lifting the mask mandates seriously made me question the validity of academia (it’s not the only thing either, just the most recent lol). like what is the point of studying the virus if you’re just gonna lift mask mandates anyway

[randomnameless]

This is just an appreciation ask but thank you for discussing literally anything about the game's past/world and actually discussing the politics, because so many in the base don't care and it pains me soooooo much, even my sister doesn't give a shit about the Nabataens and Agarthans and takes everything the game says at face value no matter how poorly written. It's really fun to look through your blog and actually see a community of folks in the fanbase tackle what I've been thinking about and thought I was alone on LOL

Oh thank you!

I know it's not really something appealing for a lot of people about the game, hell the game doesn't even care about it either but, haha, I do.

That's why I really like Tumblr, you can find communities for whatever you want and they're public, so if you want to gush about "the importance of golden trinkets in Nabatean culture" you can interact with some loser who wrote a post about it, and you can gush about it together without having someone passing by and hurling insults at you because Rhea BaD

(or at least it used to be that way and still is, in majority)

And if you can't find any, then write your own posts and since they're on a public board, maybe someone, 2 years later or so, will come and tell you it's interesting (or not) !

As for FE16 in particular, I really found it lunar how, in August 2019 the fandom's voice was kind of unified around something, and I felt like I was the only person who had a dissenting opinion - I posted a bit about it, later found out I wasn't the only one and then I shitposted and made memes.

Nerding about proto-Adrestia is just me nerding and honeypotting about stuff based on clothes, Enbarr's coliseum and Adrestia's History of being an Empire that fell from grace and tries to MAGA - but I confess, it was also to poke fun at some seriously, uh, misguided or misinformed takes that pretend to be very serious (tm) and refer to real life history... when the author either doesn't know a thing about what they're talking about, or has an extremely biased POV that was already debunked 500 years ago.

From memory, I can remember the WTF that was the "Agarthans were like the Greeks because greek names and Nabateans stole everything from them like Romans did" when Agarthans got their tech because Sothis gave them said tech, and if someone has the Roman imagery it's definitely not the Nabateans living in a desert among themselves in kind of Shangri-La imagery, but the randoms who had a coliseum in their capital -

"Let them eat brioche", a very serious person really using slander thrown at Marie-Antoinette to support a theory claiming Nabateans don't care about humans - even if this quote was posthumously attributed to MA and there was a, let's say, huge xenophobic context back at that time which MA was hit with -

"Fodlan is set in the 12th Century trust me I have a degree" nonsense that makes me craugh, because it is historically so wrong (laugh) and I really worry about the state of education worldwide (cry) -

And the biggest winner of them all, trampling over the competition "The Church of Seiros is just like the Catholic Church, just don't talk to me about transubstantiation, heresies, christology or tenants : their temples are called Churches and leaders are bishops and they have an army and influence over other countries just like the Pope was the ruler of Europe during the Middle Ages : Trust me I have a Degree v.2"

Like, I can't believe debunking this nonsense made me check Napoleon's wiki page, something I never did when I was in High School because I was busy reading Bleach during the "Napoleon and the First Empire" lectures lol

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Here's a shortlist of those who realized that I — a cis woman who'd identified as heterosexual for decades of life — was in fact actually bi, long before I realized it myself recently: my sister, all my friends, my boyfriend, and the TikTok algorithm.

On TikTok, the relationship between user and algorithm is uniquely (even sometimes uncannily) intimate. An app which seemingly contains as many multitudes of life experiences and niche communities as there are people in the world, we all start in the lowest common denominator of TikTok. Straight TikTok (as it's popularly dubbed) initially bombards your For You Page with the silly pet videos and viral teen dances that folks who don't use TikTok like to condescendingly reduce it to.

Quickly, though, TikTok begins reading your soul like some sort of divine digital oracle, prying open layers of your being never before known to your own conscious mind. The more you use it, the more tailored its content becomes to your deepest specificities, to the point where you get stuff that's so relatable that it can feel like a personal attack (in the best way) or (more dangerously) even a harmful trigger from lifelong traumas.

For example: I don't know what dark magic (read: privacy violations) immediately clued TikTok into the fact that I was half-Brazilian, but within days of first using it, Straight TikTok gave way to at first Portuguese-speaking then broader Latin TikTok. Feeling oddly seen (being white-passing and mostly American-raised, my Brazilian identity isn't often validated), I was liberal with the likes, knowing that engagement was the surefire way to go deeper down this identity-affirming corner of the social app.

TikTok made lots of assumptions from there, throwing me right down the boundless, beautiful, and oddest multiplicities of Alt TikTok, a counter to Straight TikTok's milquetoast mainstreamness.

Home to a wide spectrum of marginalized groups, I was giving out likes on my FYP like Oprah, smashing that heart button on every type of video: from TikTokers with disabilities, Black and Indigenous creators, political activists, body-stigma-busting fat women, and every glittering shade of the LGBTQ cornucopia. The faves were genuine, but also a way to support and help offset what I knew about the discriminatory biases in TikTok's algorithm.

My diverse range of likes started to get more specific by the minute, though. I wasn't just on general Black TikTok anymore, but Alt Cottagecore Middle-Class Black Girl TikTok (an actual label one creator gave her page's vibes). Then it was Queer Latina Roller Skating Girl TikTok, Women With Non-Hyperactive ADHD TikTok, and then a double whammy of Women Loving Women (WLW) TikTok alternating between beautiful lesbian couples and baby bisexuals.

Looking back at my history of likes, the transition from queer “ally” to “salivating simp” is almost imperceptible.

There was no one precise "aha" moment. I started getting "put a finger down" challenges that wouldn't reveal what you were putting a finger down for until the end. Then, 9-fingers deep (winkwink), I'd be congratulated for being 100% bisexual. Somewhere along the path of getting served multiple WLW Disney cosplays in a single day and even dom lesbian KinkTok roleplay — or whatever the fuck Bisexual Pirate TikTok is — deductive reasoning kind of spoke for itself.

But I will never forget the one video that was such a heat-seeking missile of a targeted attack that I was moved to finally text it to my group chat of WLW friends with a, "Wait, am I bi?" To which the overwhelming consensus was, "Magic 8 Ball says, 'Highly Likely.'"

Serendipitously posted during Pride Month, the video shows a girl shaking her head at the caption above her head, calling out confused and/or closeted queers who say shit like, "I think everyone is a LITTLE bisexual," to the tune of "Closer" by The Chainsmokers. When the lyrics land on the word "you," she points straight at the screen — at me — her finger and inquisitive look piercing my hopelessly bisexual soul like Cupid's goddamn arrow.

Oh no, the voice inside my head said, I have just been mercilessly perceived.

As someone who had, in fact, done feminist studies at a tiny liberal arts college with a gender gap of about 70 percent women, I'd of course dabbled. I've always been quick to bring up the Kinsey scale, to champion a true spectrum of sexuality, and to even declare (on multiple occasions) that I was, "straight, but would totally fuck that girl!"

Oh no, the voice inside my head returned, I've literally just been using extra words to say I was bi.

After consulting the expertise of my WLW friend group (whose mere existence, in retrospect, also should've clued me in on the flashing neon pink, purple, and blue flag of my raging bisexuality), I ran to my boyfriend to inform him of the "news."

"Yeah, baby, I know. We all know," he said kindly.

"How?!" I demanded.

Well for one, he pointed out, every time we came across a video of a hot girl while scrolling TikTok together, I'd without fail watch the whole way through, often more than once, regardless of content. (Apparently, straight girls do not tend to do this?) For another, I always breathlessly pointed out when we'd pass by a woman I found beautiful, often finding a way to send a compliment her way. ("I'm just a flirt!" I used to rationalize with a hand wave, "Obvs, I'm not actually sexually attracted to them!") Then, I guess, there were the TED Talk-like rants I'd subject him to about the thinly veiled queer relationship in Adventure Time between Princess Bubblegum and Marcelyne the Vampire Queen — which the cowards at Cartoon Network forced creators to keep as subtext!

And, well, when you lay it all out like that...

But my TikTok-fueled bisexual awakening might actually speak less to the omnipotence of the app's algorithm, and more to how heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

Sure, TikTok bombarded me with the thirst traps of my exact type of domineering masc lady queers, who reduced me to a puddle of drool I could no longer deny. But I also recalled a pivotal moment in college when I briefly questioned my heterosexuality, only to have a lesbian friend roll her eyes and chastise me for being one of those straight girls who leads Actual Queer Women on. I figured she must know better. So I never pursued any of my lady crushes in college, which meant I never experimented much sexually, which made me conclude that I couldn't call myself bisexual if I'd never had actual sex with a woman. I also didn't really enjoy lesbian porn much, though the fact that I'd often find myself fixating on the woman during heterosexual porn should've clued me into that probably coming more from how mainstream lesbian porn is designed for straight men.

The ubiquity of heterormativity, even when unwittingly perpetrated by members of the queer community, is such an effective self-sustaining cycle. Aside from being met with queer-gating (something I've since learned bi folks often experience), I had a hard time identifying my attraction to women as genuine attraction, simply because it felt different to how I was attracted to men.

Heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

So much of women's sexuality — of my sexuality — can feel defined by that carnivorous kind of validation you get from men. I met no societal resistance in fully embodying and exploring my desire for men, either (which, to be clear, was and is insatiable slut levels of wanting that peen.) But in retrospect, I wonder how many men I slept with not because I was truly attracted to them, but because I got off on how much they wanted me.

My attraction to women comes with a different texture of eroticism. With women (and bare with a baby bi, here), the attraction feels more shared, more mutual, more tender rather than possessive. It's no less raw or hot or all-consuming, don't get me wrong. But for me at least, it comes more from a place of equality rather than just power play. I love the way women seem to see right through me, to know me, without us really needing to say a word.

I am still, as it turns out, a sexual submissive through-and-through, regardless of what gender my would-be partner is. But, ignorantly and unknowingly, I'd been limiting my concept of who could embody dominant sexual personas to cis men. But when TikTok sent me down that glorious rabbit hole of masc women (who know exactly what they're doing, btw), I realized my attraction was not to men, but a certain type of masculinity. It didn't matter which body or genitalia that presentation came with.

There is something about TikTok that feels particularly suited to these journeys of sexual self-discovery and, in the case of women loving women, I don't think it's just the prescient algorithm. The short-form video format lends itself to lightning bolt-like jolts of soul-bearing nakedness, with the POV camera angles bucking conventions of the male gaze, which entrenches the language of film and TV in heterosexual male desire.

In fairness to me, I'm far from the only one who missed their inner gay for a long time — only to have her pop out like a queer jack-in-the-box throughout a near year-long quarantine that led many of us to join TikTok. There was the baby bi mom, and scores of others who no longer had to publicly perform their heterosexuality during lockdown — only to realize that, hey, maybe I'm not heterosexual at all?

Flooded with video after video affirming my suspicions, reflecting my exact experiences as they happened to others, the change in my sexual identity was so normalized on TikTok that I didn't even feel like I needed to formally "come out." I thought this safe home I'd found to foster my baby bisexuality online would extend into the real world.

But I was in for a rude awakening.

Testing out my bisexuality on other platforms, casually referring to it on Twitter, posting pictures of myself decked out in a rainbow skate outfit (which I bought before realizing I was queer), I received nothing but unquestioning support and validation. Eventually, I realized I should probably let some members of my family know before they learned through one of these posts, though.

Daunted by the idea of trying to tell my Latina Catholic mother and Swiss Army veteran father (who's had a crass running joke about me being a "lesbian" ever since I first declared myself a feminist at age 12), I chose the sibling closest to me. Seeing as how gender studies was one of her majors in college too, I thought it was a shoo-in. I sent an off-handed, joke-y but serious, "btw I'm bi now!" text, believing that's all that would be needed to receive the same nonchalant acceptance I found online.

It was not.

I didn't receive a response for two days. Hurt and panicked by what was potentially my first mild experience of homophobia, I called them out. They responded by insisting we need to have a phone call for such "serious" conversations. As I calmly tried to express my hurt on said call, I was told my text had been enough to make this sibling worry about my mental wellbeing. They said I should be more understanding of why it'd be hard for them to (and I'm paraphrasing) "think you were one way for twenty-eight years" before having to contend with me deciding I was now "something else."

But I wasn't "something else," I tried to explain, voice shaking. I hadn't knowingly been deceiving or hiding this part of me. I'd simply discovered a more appropriate label. But it was like we were speaking different languages. Other family members were more accepting, thankfully. There are many ways I'm exceptionally lucky, my IRL environment as supportive as Baby Bi TikTok. Namely, I'm in a loving relationship with a man who never once mistook any of it as a threat, instead giving me all the space in the world to understand this new facet of my sexuality.

I don't have it all figured out yet. But at least when someone asks if I listen to Girl in Red on social media, I know to answer with a resounding, "Yes," even though I've never listened to a single one of her songs. And for now, that's enough.

[angeldcgs]

ironically enough, their father might have had the right idea in stealing his boys away from the rest of the world and hiding them in the woods, because the brothers had inadvertently fallen directly into bronte's clutches so soon after escaping his. they were so much better off for it, though, which rufus had seen from the start, and gus would just have to come to accept, because she wouldn't take no for an answer. she may have grown up privileged, but she didn't have the same blinders on that most other rich folks did; bronte was about five when she first recalled noticing the way folks in her tax bracket would ask each other questions, not listen to the answer, and then continue bulldozing through the conversation. they spoke lowly of anyone they deemed inferior, they kissed the asses of whoever in the room had the most money, and they never seemed to have time for what mattered. mainly, bronte's father never had time for her. the only people in her life who genuinely seemed to care were her various nannies, all of whom had so little and gave so much of their lives to raising her, though she failed to see how they only cared because her father was paying them to. what stood out was that they were there for her when he wasn't— they always found a way to attend her dance recitals, making it work despite various obstacles that he didn't even had to worry about. if he really wanted to be there, he had more than enough money to hire someone to take care of business for him while he took a break to focus on his family, but he'd rather hire someone to take care of business, hire someone to take care of his family, and then ignore both to focus on his latest twenty year old conquest in peace. karma finally seemed to be coming for him in the form of failing businesses and plummeting stocks, only two decades delayed. "maybe i don't," she shrugged, letting her vexation ebb and flow while gus remained locked tight in his resentment. her nonchalant response was compounded by the casual way she reached for her beer and took a sip, legs crossed and her foot slightly kicking as she sat back and relaxed. "i'm just telling you how it looks from my perspective, because you're obviously pretty biased. which you have every right to be, i'm not condemning you for anything. you're doing what you think is right, you don't know any better." the sympathetic gaze she offered was almost patronizing, now very obviously having shifted away from trying to appear fully unassuming and letting a bit of her calculating nature peek out. "i live in reality, gus. i was born and raised here, so i may not know anything about you two, or what you had to go through to get out of the woods, but i know what it takes to thrive out here, and you don't." there were so many levels of power she held over them both, and bronte was somewhat drunk on that godlike feeling. not even the way he fought back so vehemently could bring her down— if anything, it only added to her enjoyment, having someone to go back and forth with like this. a proper opponent to challenge her monstrous ego. all the more reason to keep the brothers around as a package deal, with each one offering her something unique and equally necessary. "he might've said it once or twice. don't think he meant it, but i do." in some senses, maybe, but it was more of an exaggeration to push his buttons. bronte could understand tough love, she saw how everything he did, no matter how cold or callous it may have seemed, was in the hopes of protecting his only family, and therefor it was justified. but it wasn't in her best interest, so it had to be challenged. "you wanna test that? we can go get him..." suddenly more alert, she sat back up with her perfect posture and set her bottle down on the coffee table, her challenging gaze unwavering in his direction. "you don't even know what 'normal' is! it's fucking miserable, gus; it's stifling, and repressive, and cold, and you'll both be so much more fucked up trying to be 'normal' than you ever could be moving in here. if you don't see that now, you will.''

put on this earth to help guide others. if that wasn't a red flag, then gus didn't know what else could be. somewhere, deep down, he knew he was being overly protective of his brother, the whole point of their returning back to civilisation was to live the normal lives they'd always been supposed to and yet now that they were in the city, all gus could see were the dangers their father had been ingraining in them to avoid. he would have loved to have trusted rufus enough to believe that he would be okay without him but it wasn't true, his younger brother was naive and well-intentioned yet easily distracted by pretty things. the admission that bronte loved rufus made gus tense further, had his jaw clenched any harder then it was likely he might have shattered his teeth under the pressure. he wasn't jealous of his brother's newfound relationship, he just didn't believe it was real, nor that bronte actually loved him like she claimed to. was the fact that she'd been through countless people before him and dumped them to the side supposed to make gus believe she couldn't do the same to them? rufus was a sensitive boy, the fact that he didn't always see the world for how cruel it was happened to be a blessing because if he could, then he might not have been capable of handling it. bronte was offering him an idealised life but how sustainable was it? he wanted to argue with her and every vaguely smug point she put forward but he held his tongue, that was until she brought up their father, then he could no longer keep himself quiet for the sake of maintaining civility. "you know nothing about that." had rufus told her what they'd had to do in order to escape? how he'd been sent ahead while gus stayed back and caved their dad's head in? he'd never seen the blood, much like how he'd never seen the majority of his cruelty. sure, it had been because their dad had more hopes for gus' success and survival and therefore had placed most of his attention on him, but that was not the blessing that rufus seemed to have believed it was. it'd been hard for them both, years and years stolen away from them because of a crazed man's belief the world was irreversibly broken. "you- you don't know anything about him or me or our fucking lives, understand? you live on a different fucking planet." while he'd had the suspicion that she wasn't as generous or kind as rufus painted her to be, it was satisfying to see the truth begin to curl around her edges, that quietly malicious intent to force gus into following after her brother and therefore bringing them both under her control. why was it always the rich people who needed to take continuously? did she not already have enough? could she not see that gus didn't want to control his brother, he was just unconvinced by his ability to navigate the world. it wasn't his fault, but the fact that he'd fallen for whatever lies bronte had told him was unsurprising and evidence enough that he needed him around to keep him from falling victim to pretty lies. "is that what he said? that i bully him? or is that what you think?" he wouldn't be surprised if those were rufus' words, he was often juvenile with his descriptions and they'd fought like kids up until that very day but in spite of all of that, gus also knew that his brother cared about him and he didn't want to believe he'd throw all of that away for some girl. "i think you're overestimating your importance." gus sneered and placed the bottle down on the table. he wasn't sure, but he had to put up a confident front if he had any hope of actually walking out of there with rufus following suit. "no, no i don't think we do. i think you saw someone vulnerable and looking to feel important and you scooped him up to do whatever weird shit you and those other freaks do here. i want to live a normal life, he wants to live a normal life, and this is not fucking normal."

[who-am-i-no-one]

Emma. (2020)

I watched this movie in late January. After multiple viewings and re-reading the book, I have a lot of thoughts about this adaptation.

It seems rather strange, given that Emma is part of my holy trinity of Austen novels, that I didn't watched the most recent adaptation earlier. I think it was mostly due to my initial impression that Anya Taylor-Joy's otherworldly looks didn't quite match what I had in mind for the titular character. I decided to give this version a try after watching Queen's Gambit. Not sure that Anya's looks will ever grow on me, but she did impress me as a young actress who seemed to have a maturity beyond her years.

Long story short: really wished I had seen this movie earlier! It is absurd and heartfelt at the same time, imo, the version that best imbues Austen's humor. It is now my favorite adaption, with the possible exception of Clueless, and I'm not quite sure how much of that is just nostalgia.

From the casting to the direction to the script to the costumes to the set to the soundtrack, I could tell the creative team really put a lot of love into this project. It's always a joy to watch something that's made with love and made well.

Direction

Autumn de Wilde's directing is quite good. I would never have thought this was her first feature. She certainly has a unique and colorful style, which is probably to be expected for such a famous photographer.

Funnily, while watching the movie I kept thinking it reminded me of early Hollywood romantic comedies like Bringing Up Baby (incidentally one of my favorites) or The Philadelphia Story, and then reading interviews and seeing that she had tried to bring in some of that style of humor made me feel rather validated. Also the servants' reactions were awesome!

Absolutely loved the fact that they decided to show that Knightley and Emma were in love with each other very early on in the story, with Knightley more aware of it. I've read some people complaining about the surprise of Emma's being in love being ruined. But come on, did anyone reading two chapters into the book think it wasn't going to be the two of them together in the end?

Loved how much of Knightley's point of view we got in this movie. This is one repressed pinning man. I can totally see this Knightley riding ventre a terre from London in the rain because he thought Emma was heartbroken.

The only gripe I had was the lack of Frank and Jane's subplot. As it seems they shot some scenes for that, I assume it was the director's discretion to take them out. I remember thinking while watching the movie that they must have expected the audience to be familiar with the story because some things just didn't really get explained or extrapolated on a lot. If you hadn't read the book it'd be 30 minutes or more into the movie before you put two and two together and figured out why Mr. Knightley is always at Hartfield.

Script

The script takes most of the dialogue directly from the book, which is awesome. I love Austen's writing because there is a certain musicality to it and retaining that in large part for the movie really made it better for me. The deftness with which Eleanor Catton moved dialogue from one scene in the book to a totally different one in the movie was quite brilliant. Everything flowed so well.

The scenes that differed from the book were also excellent - namely, I really loved the Jane/Knightley duet, the infamous nosebleed and first kiss scenes. 💖 I thought the screenwriter used those changes to quickly establish plot points and character arcs well.

Costume/Hair

Not a Recency expert so can't say much about the costumes and hair as far as period correctness but from reading other reviews it seemed like they were very true to the period. Obviously appreciated them taking the time to show the audience how men got dressed in that time (purely for research purposes obviously 😜).

Emma's dresses were all quite beautiful. I especially loved the black evening dress, the pink one with the roses and the proposal dress. Also loved the little pop of red shoes that went with the proposal dress. As someone who wore red shoes with her wedding gown I heartily approve.

Absolutely loved how Emma's curls unwound as her life unravels. Similarly think they must have done the same for Knightley to a lesser extent. His hair during the card playing scene at the Westons was quite terrible.

Set

I! Loved! Hartfield! It looked just like a doll house. Really most of the sets looked good enough to eat. So much pastel. Reminded me of French macarons.

I liked how everything in Donwell Abbey was shrouded in Holland covers. Makes a good point that Knightley barely lives there at all, that his home has been with the Woodhouses for quite a while now. Which, of course, makes his sacrifice at the end just a little bit less of a sacrifice?

Soundtrack

Isabella Waller-Bridge's music really meshed well with the tone of the entire film. The male and female opera singers, sometimes sounding as if they are bickering with each other and other times seeming to be in duet, was a brilliant touch. The folk music was a little jarring at first but really grew on me.

Johnny Flynn's end credits song "Queen Bee" is amazing. I love that we get Knightley's perspective at the end with a song written and sung by Knightley. It's a lovely coda to the movie. And now, if the next Austen hero doesn't write one for his SO I'm going to think him a very poor sort of lover.

Cast

Anya's Emma was really great. I'm glad they allowed Emma to be her bitchy self. Lol. I haven't watched the 1996 and 2009 versions in a while but I distinctly remember them making Emma too nice. I recall writing after watching the Garai version that Emma was actually mean and they should have let her be mean! If she's not a brat in the beginning, how will we see her change for the better later on? I love what a snob and how manipulative this Emma was and so assured of her place in her little society but still had the vulnerability of almost an imposter's syndrome which I feel most people can relate to.

Her chemistry with Johnny Flynn's Knightley was off the charts. Pretty much every scene they had together I half expected them to reenact the library scene from Atonement lol.

Mia Goth was a wonderful Harriet. She really captured Harriet's inexperience, naivete and diffidence. The orgasmic sounds she was making during the gypsies attack scene were awesome. Although, I could probably have forgone a few of Harriet's scenes for more Frank and Jane.

Not sure why they made Mia go brunette since the book specifically mentioned Harriet was fair? Perhaps having all three leads as blondes was just a bit too much. I'm also not sure if I liked Harriet's ending as I really don't think Emma, even in her most contrite mood, would invite further friendship from a tradesman's daughter and soon-to-be her husband's tenant farmer's wife. This seems a piece of modern day wishful thinking on the part of the creative team.

Bill Nighy was so good as Mr. Woodhouse. He made it so believable why everyone would do everything in their power to accommodate his whims. The gag with the screens was too funny. He was able to sketch out a lonely quirky old man who is afraid to lose those close to him in very limited screen time. Absolutely loved the scene where Emma was heaping blame on herself and he just sat with her in sympathetic silence.

Miranda Hart's Miss Bates was excellent as well. She has long been one of my favorite British comedic actresses but she can also do drama well. Her reaction to Emma's teasing on Box Hill and her forgiveness of Emma later brought me to tears.

Josh O'Connor's Mr. Elton was deliciously creepy. The carriage proposal scene was at once a little scary and hilarious. I actually liked the portrait scenes a little less because I found the acting there slightly affected and veering into 1995 Mr. Collins territory. But as Austen described Elton as having "a sort of parade in his speeches", this was much more forgivable. Really loved Mr. Elton's determination to eat cake during the Eltons' visit to Hartfield.

Tanya Reynolds was an excellent Mrs. Elton and in very little screen time was able to bring to life this meddlesome nouveau riche. Adored her little shimmy during the ball.

Amber Anderson's Jane really looked as if she were in a decline. Callum Turner did a good job as a slightly restless, mischievous and immature Frank Churchill. I did feel his looks were a bit too modern but that's just my personal view.

Given how many scenes they had I thought they used the time they had pretty well with furtive glances and sly smiles at each other to establish the relationship.

Connor Swindells was such a love sick puppy as Robert Martin. Did this role ever get cast in other adaptations? I don't seem to recall at all.

Special shoutout to Oliver Chris's John Knightley. Absolutely had me in stitches.

And last but never the least, Johnny Flynn's Mr. Knightley:

To preface, I will never not fall for Mr. Knightley in any version that I watch. And really, get yourself a good looking enough actor with good enough chemistry with Emma and good enough acting chops and you should have a fairly successful Knightley.

I judge all my Knightleys by the Box Hill scene. And up to that point in the movie, I really liked Johnny Flynn's Knightley. He was playful and sexy and jealous and slightly bitchy as well. The duet scene was lovely because I always appreciate a man who can play instruments and sing well. The sexiness and chemistry of the dance scene was off the charts. That's all well and good. And like I said before, given any well cast actor, I probably would have liked them in those scenes as well, just as I've liked Northam's and Miller's Knightleys.

But, the Box Hill scene absolutely blew me away. To make sure I was not just biased towards the last Knightley I saw on screen, I did go back and compare each version's Box Hill scene and I am, actually, even more blown away. Some of it is a credit to the directing and script, but a large part of it is Johnny Flynn's acting in that scene.

As far a script and directing, the set up to the fight scene was fantastic. Loved Anya's expression changes after she makes the joke. Loved Miranda Hart's Miss Bates as she realizes what Emma meant. The silence that followed. Knightley's shocked face and how sympathetic he was to Miss Bates. Can probably write a whole thing just about this scene alone.

I loved the fact that Knightley had an internal struggle as to whether or not to approach Emma and reproach her for her behavior. I know the book has him tell Emma about his struggle but that just doesn't work as well for me on screen.

During the scene you can just tell how frustrated and disappointed in her he is even though he tries to keep his voice low. But the way he reprimands her does not at all feel lecture-y and I feel like part of it is because it seems like he starts to lose control a little bit as well. His voice starts to crescendo as she stubbornly refuses to admit she was in the wrong and culminates in "badly done, indeed!" with actual fingerpointing. Yikes.

Then he losses steam and looked regretful, almost devastatingly so, at his own outburst and perhaps felt that he was losing her by giving this speech and looked as if he would have said something more - an apology or some words of comfort to soften the blow? - but didn't.

This remorse and the struggle at the beginning really bookended the scene for me.

Absolutely loved his Knightley, and, really, him as an actor after that.

The proposal scene as well was very good. His delivery was just really good. The way he said "If I loved you less then I might be able to talk about it more." with some regret and then closing his eyes as if he can't believe what he just said. Soooo good. Also, he cries very pretty, lol.

The delivery of the three "yes" during the kiss scene as Emma asked for confirmation that he really was ok with giving up his house to come live with them was also brilliant. It just kept getting softer and softer but he never breaks eye contact. Absolute chef's kiss. His closed eyed little smile of content after Emma kisses him just made me melt into a puddle.

Yup, overall I'd say I rather liked his interpretation of Mr. George Knightley. 😜

I did wish they hadn't giving him such sideburns but after watching some Emma interviews I can totally understand. If he didn't have the sideburns there'd be more complaints about how young this Knightley was. He's got such a baby face.

...I seemed to have written an entire essay on this movie...yeah, I just have a lot of feelings and thoughts about this version...

[neoistic]

what's going on with STAYs?

the hyunjin (and woojin) situation - a (very long) rant

DISCLAIMER : This post was not meant to slander Hwang Hyunjin or Stray Kids, it is intended to educate others on their problematic behaviour.

I'm gonna start at the beginning of all this. So unless you a.) live under a rock or b.) unlike the rest of us you have a life, then you have possibly heard of the idol bullying scandals. If you dont know what that is, I'll give a brief summary. A bunch of idols were being accused by former middle school or high school classmates of bullying. It started with Soojin of (G)I-dle and then the whole thing started rippling. Aisha of Everglow, Kihyun of MonstaX, Mingyu of SEVENTEEN, and many more. It's even gone as far as SA allegations. Basically everyone and their mothers were being dragged into the mess. However some of these accusation were later to be proven as false. Others have been somewhat half-true. The point is the majority of these idols end up going on a hiatus and stopped contributing in their groups activities for a while. It was a very frustrating situation. There's been apologies, addresses, fights occurring left and right. While these idols were being accused, everybody was like "let's wait for the official statement from the comany and see what is up, and then we make our decision from there. So for now lets stay our best to be neutral". That was the norm for a majority of fandoms. And then there were STAYs.

_____________________________________________________________ I think we've learned in the last five months that STAYs are anything but a normal fandom. After what has happened and the way they chose to behave entirely was embarassing. I feel like toxic STAYs really ruined the name of this fandom when the Woojin situation happened. But after Hyunjin was accused of bullying, they pretty much just shredded any redeeming qualities that fandom had left—all of it—everything went down the drain. Soon enough I feel like people are going to be embarassed to become a STAY or to mention that they're a STAY, because those motherfuckers really screwed this up If some of you're really confused right now, as to why I called STAYs toxic. It's because the base of this fandom is pretty privilege. Ok, let's start with the definition. What is pretty privilege? Pretty privilege is the principle that people who are deemed more attractive (based on societal beauty standards) have an upper hand in the world and are afforded many opportunities that us regular folks don't have. Like most other biases, pretty privilege is something we're all aware of—whether we have experienced it first-hand or not. Yet, it's not often that we are willing to admit or even talk about it, especially if we're on the receiving end of its benefits. This bias, also known as lookism, is defined as “Prejudice or discrimination on the grounds of a person's appearance” and occurs in a variety of settings such as social environments, workplaces and especially in this godforsaken fandom. Let me explain; everything that they do for the boys is simply based on looks. And how do i know that? Because when the baseless accusations that targeted woojin came out one of the things that i kept hearing over and over again was that they always thought he was 'ugly'. And that to me is very intersting because this fandom found him ugly but they didn't say anything, because he was in the same group as their faves. So they kept their mouths shut, and they acted as if they loved him they told him all the sappy bullshit. When he left they decided to pull an "Okay let's tell him how much we miss him, then dump it, and leave it there."

Consequently by cause of his so called 'wrongdoings' you're now telling people "Oh I found him ugly all along, but now I can finally admit it" which is an incredibly pathetic move. They were throwing shit everywhere based off unsubstantiated allegations. Through this I realised that everything goes down to looks. Because when this exact same thing happened to Hyunjin and his accusations, which at the time we did not know the legitimacy of it, the first thing they chose to tweet was"uhmm hyunjin is too cute to be a bully," say what now? You wanted to tell me you decide whether someone is capable of bullying based on their looks, how is that supposed work. Not everybody's heart is as beautiful as their face, I'm just saying. Like why on earth would you think that Hyunjin isn't a bully based on the fact that he's handsome but you believe the accusation about Woojin based off the fact that he is quote 'ugly'. You see the parallel difference between their behaviour towards them and that's because all they care about is looks and they will do just about anything to garner the attention of these boys. Yes, you're right, the reason behind their doings is because they know pefectly well that Stray Kids read their comment. Their defending them because they are desperately wanting their faves to pay attention to them. And they think by letting Hyunjin get away with everything, he would thank them for it.

_____________________________________________________________

Exhibit B; When the posts against Woojin came out the very first thing they told us was that, you have to believe the victim no matter what. It got to the point where even when we tried to reason with them about how there was no solid evidence, all they said was how they would rather believe a possible liar then a possible r4pist. ikr, oh. my. gosh. However when it's Hyunjin's turn to get blamed, believing the victim doesn't matter anymore. The actuality that people were already putting a judgement on the victim, and refusing to hear them out is just shocking to me.

The energy was completely different, for some crazy reason it didn't matter when it came to Hyunjin. When it came to Woojin we had to believe the victim because it's so damn important, and it got to the point that people were saying they believed Stray Kids that he 'bullied' them. Although Stray Kids didn't say anything, they never said a peep, a word, nothing. Everyone kept saying I believe Felix saying #8, i believe Chan and his vlive, are you for real? First of all what is Felix supposed to say then?? The group has 8 members not nine, is he supposed to put #9 in? #13? #24?? And with Chan he has already clarified that his statement on vlive that time wasn't about Woojin.

Then they were diagnosing them them of depression they were victimizing the poor boys of something they were not a victim of. So not are they speaking for them, they're telling us that you believe them off what you've stuff in their mouths, not things they said themsleves. On the other hand when Hyunjin was accused of bullying no we don't believe them we believe Hyunjin. What? Do you know him personally or what? You dont! I don't know what's the matter with you people. This fandom is just a no. You guys are left with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Then you know what it gets even worse because if you think this is bad. It's not even half of it. How does it get worse? They were people saying that "It's bullying, its normal everybody does it," I don't know what universe you live in, but where I live down here, on earth bullying isn't something that everybody comes around and do. It's not a phase in life. "From ages 15-20 you're a bully" That doesn't happen it's not a chapter in life that everyone goes through like puberty, that's not what happens with bullying. You dont just wake up and go through a phase in you life that is inevitable, that you have to be a bully and a jerk to everybody, that's not a thing. You can't just sit here and justify bullying. Because how are you supposed to sit here and say that bullying is normal and that everybody does but when Woojin does it... You see where I'm going with this right? They said it wasn't okay for Woojin to bully Stray Kids and that he is a horrible person "how could he?" But then you bend over and said "Bullying is okay because Hyunjin is the one doing it" When he is on the receiving end it wasn't okay, though when he was the one administering it was completely fine and forgivable.

Do you not see how problematic you're being right now? You're justifying bullying because you think he's pretty? Are you playing with me? I read his statement and he apologized for his immature and insensitive demeanor, even he wasn't justifying it. the reason behind me mentioning this is because even JYP themselves specified that they would do a better job at picking trainees. That alone says something. They forthrightly threw him under the bus. Why would they do something like that? Because the allegations were true. Here's the thing, Hyunjin has not admitted to bullying anybody, what he has admitted to was being immature and hurting people with the way he spoke. That statement felt like he was beating around the bush about a lot of things. It's like "ok i hurt someone, I can't justify it, therefore I'm sorry" Okay but did u bully anybody? yes or no? That wasn't clarified. You guys can decide for your selves, but this was Hyunjin's and his former teacher's statement.

_____________________________________________________________

The message I'm trying to get accross from all this is that Stray Kids have way more power over you than you realized, and that is definitely not okay. To the point where you are throwing your morals away, just to defend them. You know what? no idol should have influence over you like that. I don't care how good looking, how hot, how sweet, how talented they are. I don't care if they grew up with a single mother and a story so sad it will make Simon Cowell cry. I don't care how many time they have supported the lgbtq+ community. I don't give a damn about how adorable they act on camera with their members. You can not validate immoral actions whatsoever. And no, you absolutely can not sit here being a desperate, self-absorbed, pick-me, dusty girl for a man who doesn't even know you.

Exhibit C; Before we end this I want to clarify something. STAYs did not became toxic because of the Woojin fiasco, this fandom always was toxic, and the Woojin situation simply revealed that. The facts are that they were always toxic, they were always messed up, they were always fake. The wreckage with Woojin showed us their true colors. That is the reality, my friends. As of now this fandom is directly taking the crown for trashiest fandom alive in kpop. At this degree I honestly don't know what else to say. I have no respect left for them. I do though want to say that I am genuinely sorry to all the kind STAYs, I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. Because in the near future I don't see this issue going away. Since Stray Kids is becoming more and more popular and it's never going to stop they're going to keep getting bigger and bigger, the story will just become more aparent. Thank you for listening to my long rant. And at the end of the day all I can say to STAYs is good luck, cause you'll need it.

_____________________________________________________________

anywho stream Still Dream

Sources:

https://www.myimperfectlife.com/features/pretty-privilege

https://www.koreaboo.com/series/stray-kids-hyunjin-bullying-allegation/

[heartxshaped-bruises]

       Once he was free from the cuffs, Rafe flashed his teeth one last time at the officer before following Jessica outside. Despite drinking more frequently than ever, his body didn't get used to it - probably a good sign, considering how fucking downhill this could go so quickly. NOT THAT RAFE CARED, though. He managed to put one foot in front of the other until they reached the truck, and only when he got inside, the uncoordinated, drunk sluggishness showed itself. He bumped his head against the doorframe, growling softly before sinking into his seat. And then, there it was -- reproach.

       The thing was... as upset as Jessica was - and as upset as his stomach was in her company - Rafe's very core was ecstatic to see her again. So much that he was able to push the clouds away that threatened to cloak his brain with every negative emotion he'd bottled up the past year. ❛❛You know, ya can act as mad as ya want to, ya still came to save my ass❜❜, he replied in a tone that bordered on teasing, entirely disregarding the situation at hand. Rafe turned to look at her, ignoring the twinge of old, buried memories wanting to surface. The alcohol successfully repressed them. Just as the feeling of SHAME AND DISGUST whenever someone dared to look at him. Rafe never came to terms with what happened to him. Never wanted Jessica to see him like that, especially. So, he was suspicious why he gave less of a fuck than expected. This would only blow up in his face once he sobered up. No morbid pun intended. ❛❛They said ya wouldn't come, but you did. Now that means something, right? I owe you, big time. 's that what ya wanna hear?❜❜

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

       ❛❛Yes, sir❜❜, Rafe nodded dutifully and within no time, managed to arrange the whole ordeal. He barely turned 20, so having a towner taking his expertise seriously was a big deal for him. He grew up on a junkyard and in a car workshop and learnt everything from the get-go, but people weren't only apprehensive because of his age, but also because of all the bullshit circulating about his family. Rafe put up with it as good as he could. Unwilling to give them A REASON TO BADMOUTH him or anyone else. Him and his brothers were good kids. They just needed to put in more effort for others to see that.

       As they followed the tow truck ahead, he glanced at the older girl through the rear view mirror. Nana next to him didn't seem to pay much attention and was rather absorbed in a brochure for some upcoming church charity event. ❛❛It's no big deal, really❜❜, Rafe assured, meaning it. ❛❛Don't think he would've made it far before regretting it, anyway. Like, out of the parking lot... the road's as steep as the highway to hell.❜❜ He tried a polite smile to ease the weird vibe in the truck's cabin and that he couldn't put his finger on. SMALLTALK WASN'T HIS STRENGTH. Talkin' business was more like it. And who knew if these folks were just as biased as the rest here? Well... the first impression told him otherwise. The girls seemed nice enough and the dad, too. ❛❛Uh, I'm Rafe, by the way. You guys are from here, right? I've seen ya a few times at church but nowhere else in town.❜❜ // @nanlanmo

The redhead felt like she couldn't breathe standing in the sheriff's office, waiting to be taken back to where Rafe sat waiting. The phone call had come as a shock to her to be sure but moreso about halfway through the drive back to her old town, when she realized what was happening. In the fallout of her and her sister being removed from their parents to live with their uncle one casualty she hadn't anticipated was her relationship with Rafe. Transitioning into the "real world" had been difficult and getting back to the town where they'd met was uncomfortable. She always felt like eyes were lingering the second she crossed city lines. Admitting that a high-ranking member of the church was an abusive piece of shit apparently didn't sit too well with the townfolk.

They'd tried, though, and then Rafe disappeared. His brothers were cagey and non-responsive. So she'd taken the hint (with a broken heart that'd left her locked in her room for days) and stayed away. So why was he calling on her now? Couldn't his brothers come get his drunk and disorderly ass out? She doesn't recognize the scarred man in front of her at first and confusion paints her features as she looks from the drunken man to the officer, his voice brings her attention back to Rafe. That voice she'd know anywhere. Tears shimmer at her lash line as she turns her gaze back to him. "Hey Rafe--" Her voice is soft and she sniffled a little, turning back to the officer who'd escorted her in, "Are you gonna open the door or what?" Setting him into motion to get them out of the holding cell and into what was probably going to be one of the weirdest nights either of them had had in a long while.

She led him out to her uncle's truck, resting her forehead against the wheel for a moment before she gathered the nerve to ask, "What the fuck, Rafe?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God, she hated when her daddy decided it was time to go and parade among the wrong-believers as he called them. According to Jordan Hamby, the surest way to bring new members to their own church was to provide an example of a good, fundamental family out amongst those who didn't follow their strict doctrine. So, the family had begun attending a new church on off days from their usual schedule to try and open the conversation with outsiders about their beliefs. Both of the teens hated it but for the eldest of the girls, she felt like an animal at a zoo to be studied. It made her want to disappear.

Which was only made worse when their car wouldn't start to take them back to where they blended in. The girls stood back, obedient and quiet with their mother as their father spoke to the young man about the car. She could tell her daddy was irritated beyond reason and anxiety knotted through her stomach at the probability of him losing his temper tonight. Jessica and Eden looked up when it was suggested that they ride with the young man to the shop to get their car looked at. Please Lord don't let him snap here. Jordan's features, previously masking his annoyance with a thin layer of jovial dismay, flattened with suspicion as he followed the boy's gaze from the engine to the two girls. Jessica is certain he's going to tear the boy a new one for the suggestion but then that wouldn't be very welcoming would it? Which seems to have taken precedence as a mask of grateful relief slides into place, "Well alright son, we appreciate your assistance greatly!" He clapped Rafe on the shoulder, gripping it some as he continued, "You're gonna have two gems of the Lord in your backseat with you, you're gonna have to drive extra safe to get them to the shop safe and sound."

Internally Jessica cringed. How lame could he make them sound? At least when he was angry he didn't sound so stupid. Still, she couldn't believe they were being let off the tight leash her father kept on them until she slid into the cab of his truck to follow their car being towed ahead. "Thank you for your help," she offered her voice gentle as she spoke, "I think our daddy would've pushed that car as hard as he could've had you not talked some sense into him."

[sapphireblueevanesce]

KTMF Recap!!

Just completed a great weekend in Los Angeles, where I attended both the Epik High show and the Korea Times Music Festival! Below is a summary of the two events and some thoughts.

First, Epik High are such legends and I really had been eyeing their tour dates for awhile now trying to decide if/when to see them. Luckily, in the end, I decided to go. It was really great and they played so many great older songs of theirs. I highly recommend seeing them if you get the chance. They were so fun to watch!

Next, for KTMF, I was there to see SuJu, of course, and also, Taemin. I was also very much looking forward to seeing Kim Yongchul, who was one of the emcees. He was hysterical, definitely a good choice to emcee the event!

I saw a few people on Twitter either lamenting that seeing Super Junior only as part of a larger festival where they'd only do a few songs didn't seem worth it, or feeling really unsure about whether it would be worth it or not. It's true, it's not a Super Show, but SJ never phones in a performance, either. Even during KCON NY last year, everyone was talking about how they tore it up. Additionally, as veterans of kpop, they usually get more songs than some if the more junior groups. My recommendation is, if you can logistically and financially manage to go, and there is at least one other act you're really interested in seeing, it is worth it to see SJ in a festival setting. Of course, it depends on your individual situation.

Another thing I wanted to bring up is the camaraderie. All fandoms have their toxic moments, kpop for SURE does, but for the most part, festivals like these put people in a really jovial mood, and people tend to hype each other up. Case in point, Shawol saw my SJ shirt and were like, "Do you want a Taemin banner? Also, all the other ELF are over there!" I even met one of my lovely readers there! What's up, Rachel! 💙

But back to the show. I was seated in the Pool Circle section, which is the very front section. My seat was 5 rows from the stage. A Lovelyz fan boy came over to talk to me and advised me that people in the Pool always moved closer to the stage when their favorite act was performing, and it was a pretty casual setup where you didn't have to stay in your seat. In addition, he pointed to this ledge a couple of rows behind me and said that the performers would walk on this ledge and that it was a part of the extended stage! This was exciting news, but I tried to manage my expectations and not get my hopes up.

This is another thing to put on the Pros list if you're trying to decide whether you should attend KTMF next year. As I found out, since it wasn't a Super Show and you weren't competing with an entire stadium full of ELF, people from other fandoms respectfully hang back so the true fans can get as close to the stage as possible.

Someone had spotted the lineup and set list prominently displayed on one of the official video cameras and people were sharing pics of it so that we knew in which order the performers were going on stage. Everyone shared this information with each other, so all of us in the pool knew SJ was going to close the second half, and we knew their setlist.

I befriended two awesome ELF, one who was Hyukjae biased and one who was Wookie biased. We strategized before the show started and decided that we'd be up by the stage for the first couple of songs and then run to the back extended stage/ledge for the last couple of songs.

Halfway through the set of the group who performed before SJ, my two new ELF friends and I stood up, light sticks in hand, in preparation. A few other ELF leapt up and joined us. Then, I spotted Shindong waiting in the wings. There's Shindong! I said, and everyone standing turned to look, then we all booked it to the barrier between us and the stage to wait.

The view from that close was phenomenal!! I was soooo happy to finally see Ryeowook up close (Wookie, anneyong!)! He's gorgeous, they all are. Donghae was killing me softly with his outfit, props to the stylist who put him in that. I feel #blessed to have seen Hyukjae in a sheer shirt and therefore his nipples in person (sorry not sorry). 🙏 These are my co-biases, folks!

During the ments, I put my camera down and noticed that they were trying to make eye contact with each of us ELF in front. I felt self-conscious but also so grateful. I already have done Hi-Touch with them, but it was not any easier being in their presence and in their gazes again.

When I heard the beginning of Miracle, I knew they were going to start running around, so I started running too! My ELF friends from before were tearing up and down with me, apologies to anyone we scrambled past trying to get to them! 😂🤦🏾‍♀️ At one point, Donghae was on the ledge with his back to me and his butt was right in my face, basically (this is not a complaint). I noticed him running towards a group of people on one end of the front stage (he is so fast, y'all!), and he was starting to bend down to high five them and shake hands. I went running to him, and got there just as it looked like he was about to straighten back up and go back to the middle of the stage. But I called out, Donghae! And he looked at me, smiled in recognition (from like 3 minutes ago when he was trying to make eye contact with us) and gripped my hand soooo firmly! It was so warm and smooth in his leather glove!

You guys. DONGHAE GRABBED MY HAND! AGAIN!!

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I know from prior experience that they all have super soft hands!

After they went off stage, it was a 30 min break before the second half. I looked over at my ELF friends, and we all grabbed each other and started jumping up and down screaming, omg! omg! The Hyukjae biased one had had her hand grabbed by Hyukjae. The Ryeowook biased one had had her hand grabbed by Ryeowook, and she was crying. Honestly, it was just so much! I can't express it.

💙💙💙💙💙💙

"Oh my God, we still have TAEMIN to see after this?!?!" said the Hyuk biased ELF. We weren't sure how we were going to make it through that performance on top of everything else, we were going to need SEVERAL moments.

This post is already too long, so I will just say, I was still very close to Taemin, but stuck near one side of the stage so that other Shawol could be front and center. I finally got to use my Shinee lightstick!! Taemin's dancing is UNBELIEVABLE. Like. Damn. That little Squishface can move! My fan cams for him are a total mess because I just kept watching him with my actual eyes, instead of through my camera, so there are key moments where you can't even see him because I didn't aim the camera properly. 😂

Thanks for reading if you made it this far, let's all see them at SS8!!

Gif from one of my fan cams!

Talented squishface!

[duchessofostergotlands]

For your racist anon--I used to think similarly like that when I was younger. Maybe i wasn't as extreme as that, but I used to make similar arguments because I was ignorant. Thankfully, my best friend is usually one step ahead of me when it comes to most issues like this (feminism, racism, etc), and I began listening to what she was saying as well as listening to what others, particularly online, were saying. And I started changing my mind. Then I read a tweet, and it (1/?)

totally changed how I looked at things as a white person. The tweet read: “One of the most radical things white folks could do to end systemic racism is believe us when we tell them what it’s like to be us.” I can never understand fully what it’s like to be a PoC, but the least I can do is try. It’s easy as a white person to stick your head in the sand or make excuses. I did it too. But because of our privilege we owe it to ourselves to try and think outside our comfortable box. (2/?) Think about what Atticus Finch said in To Kill a Mockingbird, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view.” Finis (3/3)

I am so so sorry this took me so long to get to. It got buried under some messages and I didn’t even realise it was here. In case anyone is wondering this relates to some messages I received back in October: http://duchessofostergotlands.tumblr.com/post/166475916104/im-sorry-but-every-time-i-turn-on-the-news-im

I think you are just wonderful. I love that you acknowledge the fact you used to have prejudices and had to learn from them. And I love that you are listening to people. That’s the most important thing you can do. I have no experience of being treated badly because of the colour of my skin. I would listen to an expert if i was making a decision about climate change so why wouldn’t I listen to a black person when talking about race? Too many people have this attitude that whatever they think must be correct and it doesn’t matter what experts say. Whether you’re an expert because of your qualifications or because you’ve lived through it, your views matter. 

For me a really significant thing was realising that I have been racist. All white people have. We’ve grown up in a system where we are treated better because of the colour of our skin. We’ve grown up in a world full of microagressions. It would be impossible for us not to have unconscious biases. There have been so many studies showing the implicit bias we have. You have to recognise that or else you’re never going to be able to address it.