#look at the crowd from that angle omg

[missegyptiana]

AWWWW THIS VIDEO IS SO CUTE

[yesimwriting]

OKAY idk if you keep taking thoughts but this IS the dynamic I had thought for Felix since DAY ONE, so of course I need more best friend!felix and maybe this one is a typical one but...

The jealousy??? like this man is very facial and expressive and protective, especially towards the reader.... so I thought about him watching any of his friends flirting with them? And maybe also being way too touchy? You can decide if reader is comfortable in all that or not (I think she wouldn't), but having him like trying not to be a dick but also like needing to, like they're my best friend shush so yeah, I'd love it if you could write something like that! thankss

a/n omg that one scene in saltburn where felix is like 'you're my friend,, you're supposed to be here with me' yeah i knew immediately

----

"Sorry, darling." Despite the soft, almost far off cadence of Farleigh's voice, his words manage to cut through the atmosphere of the party. He leans forward, handing off his half finished joint to the girl standing next to you. "This stuff's heavy, and I don't need Felix on me tonight."

You frown. His denial doesn't get to you as much as the way he's framing it. Like you're a child that needs to be looked after. Like you're Felix's property.

If you weren't already a few drinks in, you'd dismiss Farleigh's words with an eye roll. The buzz burning in your veins latches onto that pinch of irritation. The full sounding giggle that comes from the nameless girl by your side only amplifies the feeling. "I don't do everything Felix says."

"No," he agrees, "You do just enough to be a good, little pet." You cross your arms in front of your chest, tilting your head to better glare at him.

The feel of something touching your shoulder cracks the tension. Your head turns. Felix. Despite your annoyance, Felix's sudden appearance at your side has you easing. He leans forward, pressing a kiss against your cheek near the corner of your mouth. "I was looking for you."

You smile, placing your hand over the one Felix still has on your shoulder. "You seemed busy, decided to take a lap."

He brushes his thumb against your shoulder. "Never too busy for you, darling." Felix has a way of making things that should feel just polite sound genuine. "How're you doing?"

"Farleigh's being mean."

"Didn't let her smoke." Farleigh explains flatly, taking the joint back from the girl. "After the way you reacted last time, it wasn't worth it."

Felix squeezes your arm. "That true?" You're not given a chance to respond. "You know how you get. Especially after drinking." You blink at him, eyes wide and lips pressed together. "Don't give me that look." It's too gentle to be a scolding. "We can smoke when you're sober, if you want."

You're not one to crave getting high too often. There's a sluggishness to it that you have to be in a certain mood for. But something about smoking with Felix, in his room with the window open and the two of you lounging like the only things that matter are what's within arm's reach, is unbelievably soothing.

Even in your current state, you're fully aware of the fact that you're getting the better end of the deal. But with Farleigh's smug comment and that random girl that laughed still paying attention, you don't feel comfortable agreeing in front of everyone.

"You're looking for an excuse to argue." Ugh. The way he reads you is almost eerie. You press your lips together to keep from giggling, watching him carefully. You shake your head, a flimsy attempt at denial. "Yes." Felix leans closer, grinning. He drapes an arm around your back, pulling you against his chest. " I can see it in your eyes."

"My eyes are innocent."

His freehand moves to hold your chin, angling your head to better look you in the eye. He's focused, exuding more concentration than the moment warrants. That's the thing about Felix, crowded room or empty dorm, it doesn't matter. He has a talent for making anyone feel like the only person in the world.

"Hm," he hums, "You pass." Despite coming to a conclusion, he makes no effort to move away from you. "Want to get another drink?"

You nod, "Yeah."

"C'mon, then." He drops one arm, waving a halfhearted goodbye to Farleigh before guiding you forward.

Felix keeps an arm around your shoulders as you maneuver through the chaos of the party. It's instinct to accept his lead, a part of you more glad for it than usual. You're starting to feel fuzzy, and with Felix guiding you, it's safer to accept the sensation.

"Oh my god!" A squeal and then your name.

You turn your head, eyes landing on a familiar face from your lit class. "Daphne!" She's a newer friend that you mainly know from exchanging lecture notes and working on essays together. A part of you is surprised to see her here, but you guess you shouldn't be. Now that you're thinking about it, you feel like you've seen her around Felix's friends before. "Hey."

Daphne approaches you with a wide grin. "I didn't know you were here." She then glances to Felix, and then Felix's arm, and then back to Felix. "Hi, Felix."

If he notices Daphne's curious scrutiny, he gives no indication of it. "Hi, Daphne," he greets, confirming that they do run in the same circles.

She smiles politely before turning her attention back to you, "It's been a minute since I've seen you." Daphne tosses a glossy strand of hair over her shoulder. "We need to catch up, I found out the best thing about the girl that sits in the front row that always tells everyone her grades."

"Bragger girl? She's the worst."

"Oh, you have no idea."

Felix squeezes your arm, turning your attention back towards him. "I'll get you your drink, you catch up with your friend." You beam at him as his arm gently moves off your shoulder.

As soon as he's disappeared into the crowd, Daphne gasps, "Oh my god, whatever's going on there is better than my bragger girl story."

You blink. "What?" Confusion and Felix's absence make you feel slightly off balance. It takes you a moment to catch up. "Oh, Felix? We're friend." Daphne presses her lips together, the look she's giving you not entirely convinced. "C'mon, tell me about bragger girl."

"Okay." Daphne gestures to an empty coach that's been pushed against a wall. "Let's sit?"

The two of you make it to the edge of the room. Daphne's not shy about taking up space, letting her long legs extend into the start of where people might walk. She trusts the world to move for her. It hits you then that your friendship with Daphne, like your relationships with a lot of people you've been spending time with recently, doesn't make make sense on paper.

You sit, grateful for the chance to lean against something sturdy.

"Alright," Daphne starts, angling her body towards you, "Bragger girl--never's gotten an imperfect score girl--" She cuts herself off with a soft, tipsy giggle. "Is hooking up with the TA."

Oh, you're fully hooked. "What?" Daphne nods, expression satisfied. "No way." There's no way to prove the connection between that girl always managing to beat your scores by a few points and any of her personal relationships, but come on. "Wait--with--with which one--the tall one or--or the one with the--" You're too out of it to recall a good descriptor, "Hair."

Daphne laughs again, "Hair?" You shrug at her. "Doesn't matter how little sense that makes, because that's the--the best part of the story." You nod, urging her. "She's hooking up with both of them."

You gasp. Oh my god, you cannot wait for Felix to get back so you can reiterate every detail of this. "Really?" Daphne giggles, nodding her head. "How do you know?"

"Okay," she crosses her legs, "So, I was at this ba--"

"Hey, Daphne," the voice is low and clumsy, over extending the second half of Daphne's name. Daphne looks up in time to see a guy sit on the couch's cushioned arm. "Who's your friend?"

Daphne throws you an apologetic look before turning back to the stranger. "Hi, John." She then introduces the two of you politely, presenting you as a friend from her intro to western lit class and John as someone from her econ class.

John doesn't even attempt to hide the fact that he's looking you over. You're not sure if it's the slightly glazed over quality to his eyes or his lack of shame gets to you. All you know is that some instinct tells you to be wary.

He tries your name on his lips, slurring slightly. "Why've I never seen you around?"

"Oh, I don't know," you try, tone much more sober than it was a moment ago, "I'm around, I guess. Here and there."

It's not your best small talk, but the only part of you that seems to be clinging to sobriety doesn't feel right. He's friends with Daphne, you tell yourself, you have no reason to believe he has bad intentions just because seems like he's had too much of whatever he's been having tonight.

John laughs, like your words were some obscure joke that he wants you to know he decoded. "So what do you do when you're not getting out?" He angles himself towards you, disregarding Daphne entirely. "I'm having a hard time picturing you in a library."

It's almost ironic enough to get you to laugh. John sees you here, he sees how you're dressed, and who you're with and just assumes that this is your regular state. And while there's nothing wrong with being the party girl type (some of your favorite people are that kind of person), it's just not who you are every night of the week.

"Actually, John," Daphne interjects, "She's really smart, like basically certified genius smart." You throw her a not so subtle look that says you feel like she's exaggerating. "What? I said basically." You don't look like you agree, "C'mon, even Dr. Alvero's said it, and he can't stand anyone."

"Really?" John moves to stand. "Dr. Alvero. His class is bloody murder." He takes a step towards you. "Maybe you could help me study sometime." You're too aware of the length of your dress, of your legs. "I'd pay you for your time."

There's something about the way he tacks on the reference to finances, an implication that burrows beneath your skin. That's the worst part of Oxford's elite, they assume that if you don't run in the same circles...that if you don't come from generational money, you have nothing. That you're in a position to bend to their every whim for what they consider petty cash.

"John," Daphne tries, voice hard.

"What?" John takes another step forward. "I said I'd pay her."

Indignance and nerves bond uncomfortably in the pit of your stomach. As much as you want to tell him off, the way he's looking at you leaves you frozen, and it's not like the two of you are in a private area. You don't want to be labeled as a hysterical drunk.

"Sweetheart." Felix is within reach.

You turn your head instinctually. He's less than a foot from the couch, holding a solo cup. Despite directly addressing you, Felix's attention is fully focused on John, who seems to have finally remembered the concept of personal space.

Felix walks past him without a second glance before sitting next to you. It's a squeeze, Felix's knee pressing into yours. "They ran out of cups, so I thought we could share." Felix extends his arm slightly, gesturing to his drink. "Have some."

You lift a hand to reach for the cup, but Felix shifts before you can actually attempt to take it. Confusion has you dropping your hand back to your lap. You don't get where he's going with this until he gently tilts the cup in a silent question. You nod.

Felix brings the drink to your lips, gently tilting the cup until its contents are down your throat. The alcohol burns slightly, but not overbearingly so, and the flavor is familiar. Your favorite drink.

He pulls the cup away, a drop of liquid sliding down the corner of your mouth. Felix's thumb wipes it away before it can reach your chin. He then brings his still damp thumb towards his mouth to clean it.

Heat roots itself in your chest and crawls up your neck. All of your discomfort, all of your worry from before feels far and abstract until Felix asks, "So, who's your friend?"

"Oh, uh--this is Daphne's friend, John."

Daphne nods, leaning forward to join your conversation, "Yeah, I know him from my econ class."

"Yeah, good to finally meet you, man. " Felix finally looks back at John. "I think my step-mother's friends with your mum."

Felix places an arm against the back of the couch, giving you space to relax against his side. A more sober you would have thought twice about giving in so quickly, but you're starting to feel light again. "Uh--Cindy Marin."

"Right!" John exhales, relieved, "Right."

Felix nods once before turning his attention back to you. "You ready to get out of here?" There's an assuredness in the way he asks the question that makes it seem like there's nothing of value left at a party that hasn't at all since he sat down. You nod. Felix leans towards you so that he can better look over your shoulder. "See you around, Daphne."

"Yeah, see you."

Felix gets up, immediately stealing the warmth and comfort he'd been providing while next to you. Something that you only very minorly resent him for. He offers you his hand as you stand, and that makes up for most of it.

You turn your head to say goodbye to Daphne. Now that Felix isn't looking, she grins at you before mouthing: that was hot.

You roll your eyes, hoping your feigned irritation is enough to cover any signs of being flustered. Especially when Felix pulls an arm around your shoulders.

"Bye, John," he mumbles, "Congratulate your step-mum for me, yeah?"

Felix guides you out of the party. Once the two of you are exposed to the cool, night air, Felix lets go of you. There's a stiffness to his release that gets to you.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a box of cigarettes.

"Can I?" Your voice is smaller than you thought it'd be.

Felix pauses, thinking through your request before handing you the box. You smile as Felix leans towards you. You don't smoke--with the exception of an occasional drag from one of Felix's cigarettes--but you like lighting them for him.

You pull one from the box and place it between his parted lips. He hands you his lighter next. You spark it to life, bringing the flame to the cigarette's end. Felix takes a deep breath, letting the smoke fill his lungs before exhaling. He doesn't attempt to take your hand or place an arm around you again.

"Are you--" You're not even sure how to word it, "...Okay?"

He takes the cigarette between two fingers as he breathes out. "Fine." Felix inhales another drag. "Just didn't love the way that guy talked to you."

"If it helps, neither did I."

Felix glances over at you, eyebrows pulling together. "Then it's a good thing your best friend was there."

You roll your eyes fondly, fighting a grin, "You're always a good thing."

He looks down, his fingers brush against yours. You intertwine them, pulling his palm against yours. "Someone loves me."

You attempt to glare at him, but the look feels too sickeningly fond to come off as menacing. "Don't start."

His smile broadens. He squeezes your hand, thumb brushing against your knuckles. "Want to stay over tonight?"

"Yeah." You grin, body subconsciously leaning against his a little more. "Are you tired?"

Felix eyes you with exaggerated skepticism, "Why?"

"Wanted to know if you were in the mood to read to me tonight."

He smiles, angling his head to press a kiss against the top of your head. "Anything you want, lovie."

----

felix: oh my god,, i can't believe people treat you like that!! maybe you should borrow my last name for a little, just so that they leave you alone

taglist; @vader-is-hot @spiritofbuddha @getosangie @freyafriggafrey @ilovehyperfixating @aryiannarae @willowpains

[bi-writes]

I LOVED how you wrote ghost and badass!reader omg 🫶 If you’re comfortable, would you be open to writing protective boyfriend ghost at the pub? Some oblivious guy is creepy when ghost goes to get drinks. He has no idea what he’s gotten himself into when ghost returns.

ill take any opportunity to write about my favorite lieutenant spilling blood for love (18+)

he has been gone for too long. your glass is empty, and the crowd is filling the room, and it's loud. you lose him, even the size of him is swallowed by how many people are moving around, and you sigh as you lean your head into your hands and wait for him.

you know he must hate this. the people. the noise. it's hot, too, and you know he'll complain a little about the stickiness of his mask when you get home.

you gasp when there's a splash of something against your back. you cry out in anger, and when you turn, there's two men cackling as they come into your space.

"ohhhh!" the lankier one giggles drunkenly, and his eyes make you uneasy. his hair is curling from the sweat along his brow, and the dark pieces of it fall in front of his face, drawing low shadows over him. he's the one holding the drink that just spilled down your back. "s-sorry, luv--" he hiccups, and you glare.

"fuck off," you snap, and it's then that you realize you've made a mistake. something ugly flashes across his face, and his friend notices, a bleach-blonde with an uneven haircut, and he whistles a little.

"oh, fuck, mate--she wants a fight."

you scoff, shaking your head. "if you aren't gonna apologize for spilling that shit on me, the least you can do is get the fuck out of here."

"oi, you got a fuckin' mouth on ya, lovie," the dark-haired one growls. you sit up a little straighter, brushing off some liquid that's spilled onto the table. they're cornering you, you realize, when the blonde one takes a seat across from you and the other traps you in the booth by sitting next to you.

"i'm not going to ask you again," you say firmly. "get your ass off this seat and move along."

"you're one of those, aren't you?" the one next to you gets uncomfortably close. "one of those feminists? that thinks men are useless, and that you're meant for something more than the fuckin' kitchen?"

you frown, your mouth opening slightly, and you shake your head, "excuse me?"

"you lot," he comes closer. "think you're hot shit. but y'r all fuckin' slags. only thing you're good for is opening y'r fuckin' legs."

you jump visibly when he grabs your thigh roughly, and you're about to react when a gloved hand finds the back of his head and slams it down against the wood of the desk.

you squeak when he cries out in pain, his nose pointing at unnatural angles, and blood splatters the table and the denim of your jeans. you lean back, but then those gloved hands grab the back of his shirt and yank him out of the booth, tossing him onto the floor. he skids across it, wet with spilled drinks, and he doubles over, coughing, cradling his face as he sobs.

you swallow hard when ghost finally turns his head back to the table. his chest is heaving, and he squeezes his hands in and out of fists when his eyes land on the helpless blonde that still somehow sits across from you.

"no--" he holds his hands up. "n-no, w-we were just--"

"just what?" ghost snarls, tilting his head to the side as he looks at him. you suck in a shaky breath, frozen in your seat, and you almost feel bad for the poor thing. but then you replay the words, the way they looked at you, how one of them put a hand on you. you relax a little, blinking, and you realize it must be acceptance.

you take a dog with you when you go out. it's not your fault people don't realize their bite hurts.

ghost takes a step towards him, boots heavy, and he runs. he bolts, running away, out the back door, and he leaves his friend to cradle his bloody face against his shaking hands all by himself. the crowd was quiet for a moment, but the mood softens when ghost turns away, letting out a low breath. people realize the show is over, and they shuffle back in place.

there is blood on the back of your hand. before you can touch it, a gloved hand reaches out and smooths his own over you, wiping it away. you sniffle, looking down, and he comes closer to crowd your space. you feel only warmth with him there, and your lip trembles a little.

"s-sorry, i--"

"wot are you apologizing for?" simon mutters. "apologizin' for those fuckin' twats, luv? don't want t'hear it."

he grunts, shaking his head, and he tugs on your arms, bringing you closer.

"c'mere," he tilts your head up, putting a few fingers on your chin and staring down at you. he narrows his dark eyes, and you smile, just a little, sadly. "was almost too late." he looks behind him, and you see a few feet away, there's two drinks spilled on the floor, glass shattered where he dropped them. "saw him put his fuckin' hands on you, 'n--"

you put a hand on his forearm, digging your nails in there gently. you shake your head.

"it's okay. doesn't matter." you laugh a little. "kinda hot."

you notice him raise a brow, and he tilts his head to the side, and he hums.

"oh, that right, luv?" he leans in, closer, and when he touches your hands, blood comes off on your hands. you smooth your hands against his own, gripping them firmly, and you look up at him as you smile knowingly.

simon would do unspeakable things for you. and that idiot was lucky to go home with his hands still attached. it should scare you that you know this, that you know this is a fact. it's dark, it's cruel, but it's yours, and you like the way it tastes in your mouth.

you like the way revenge feels against your tongue, the sound that love feels between your teeth. this love is fucked and raw, and it will tear you apart, but you can't wait for it, to feel it, the thin line between pain and pleasure. simon pushes the boundary between good and bad, and for once, the blood feels warm, and he paints you with it, and it's fucking poetic the way you look at him now.

pretty eyes, big eyes, eyes that tell him she's going to fuck you when she takes you home.

"yeah, big man," you murmur, and you feel something hot go through you when his eyes drop to your lips for just a second. just enough time for you to know he's losing his resolve. one thought about getting his hands on you, and he falls, and it's pathetic, but he's so fucking hard, he doesn't care. "it's hot."

and when he forces you to look in the mirror later, when it's dark and it's just the two of you, you realize there is blood on your face, and his hands are dirty with filth.

but when he goes to take the gloves off, you don't let him.

[katsu2ji]

hanta sero w/ pop princess gf!

a/n: you will have to pry sabrina carpenter's short n sweet album from my cold, dead hands and this is the result of that

YOUR BIGGEST FAN

if anyone tells you otherwise, they're lying to you because this man right here? oh you have him down BADDD

he's there at every single concert, whether it be front row or back stage

wears his "i <3 my gf" shirt with PRIDE!!

you wink at him in the crowd and he's giggling and kicking his feet falling to his knees JAKJBABJ

literally brags to all of your guys’ friends that he heard your album and songs first

SOOO many photos of you guys (mainly him, let’s be fr) looking at each other with lovesick expressions

especially on the red carpet—ohmygod you have this man wrapped around your finger it's insane (PLEASE someone tell me they see what i did there—)

speaking of such events!!!

you guys EAT UP the red carpet. every. time.

cause my god does that man look good in a suit.

and your outfits are ALWAYS on point omg!!!

literally you guys are trending on twitter after every single event because y'all are HOT HOT HOT

your hype man while you record!!! at first he was super nervous to be in there, because he didn't want to make you mess up or do something wrong

but now if he's free on the days you go into the studio TRUST he will be there!!!

jokes around that you should let him have adlibs or do backup vocals LMFAO (he's not expecting you to say yes...unless u wanna say yes...)

but in all seriousness: he might know nothing about music, but it's good to have him around when you get frustrated or upset while recording. he helps to remind you that things don't have to be so serious and, at the end of the day, it will come together!!!

now, when you post pictures of yourself, whether they be from official shoots or pics you took yourself, that man is a FIEND.

all up in your comments like "AWOOGA" and "u got a bf??" and "HOTTT" LMFAO HES A MESS

i'm talking comment spamming, story reposts, the whole nine yards

does not gaf if people see him drooling over you!!!! he proudly let's everyone see how obsessed with u he is HE DOES NOT GAF!!!!

he has perfected taking ur pics—he knows all the angles you like, the lighting, everything

he's on the ground fully laying down just to make sure he's getting the perfect angle for you JKASKDFJ

tbh y'all are just the cutest couple ever <33 everyone is either obsessed with you guys or they're mad cause they aren't LOL LOSERS!!!!

katsu2ji © 2024. please don't copy, modify, or do anything of the sort with my work! i work very hard and you simply do not have my permission.

[hyperballart]

omg we can send links what! okay so i saw this and literally thought patrick seeing his ex with her new man out somewhere, and when she goes to the bathroom, he follows her, because they have unfinished business..

https://x.com/sluts_finder/status/1818757242331840612?s=46

OHHHMYGODDDDD

the house you’re at is crowded and loud bass rumbles the walls. your boyfriend is holding your waist with one hand while he converses with a group of friends. he’s so sweet to you, genuinely. he’s been preparing and feeding you concoctions of the fruity drinks that you like, placing kisses to the top of your head every once in a while, making sure you feel included with the conversation. a true gentleman through and through. you’ve been together for a few months after you went through the worst breakup of your life.

your relationship with patrick had started and ended rocky, he was far too egotistical and failed to provide commitment. it inevitably ended with a screaming match where you let him know you never want to see him again. but now you scan around the area and spot said man burning holes through you from the couch. he looked miserable, rightfully so, nursing a bottle of beer. you quickly straighten up and try to engage back into conversation but you can’t focus when you feel that burning gaze from across the room.

unable to stay still after feeling watched, you excused yourself to the bathroom knowing in the back of your mind he would follow. it’s exactly why you’re in this situation now; the skirt of your dress flipped up while patrick fucks you from behind. he has you up against the bathroom door, daring you to be loud and let people know what you were doing.

“oh—fuck baby, i missed you,” his face is next to your ear, “does he even fuck you, hm?” he pretends to not feel a sting when you nod weakly against the door, “how are you so tight right now then? choking this fucking cock, shit.” his mouth is right next to yours, you had refused to kiss him as it felt too intimate for the situation you guys were in — even if he was fucking you raw.

“shut the fuck up asshole, he’s nicer than you,” he has the audacity to chuckle in your face , “treats me like a good boyfriend should,” and even as you’re fighting to stay upright against the door you try to maintain composure.

“oh, does he now? he can’t treat you that good can he? not if you’re here getting your pussy pounded by this asshole, fuck, just feel how wet you are — this pussy doesn’t need nice” he starts moving harder so you’re knocking against the surface, “has he even fucked you bare like this? is his dick bigger than mine?”

and the answer to both of those was a no, you don’t have to respond for him to know. you start clenching in pulses around his fat cock, “i love him,” you choke out in search of a reaction.

of course that sends him into a frenzy; a hand slapping down on your ass and groping it hard after impact, “oh yeah?,” he grabs your neck and brings you fully against his chest, “you can love him all you fucking want, let him put a ring on your finger, let him knock you up —“ your neck rolls back on his shoulder while your moans increase in pitch, “but you know who this pussy really needs — and she’ll never stop craving it.” he angles himself so that his tip is vigorously hitting against the spongy spot inside you that makes you nearly black out.

a string of uh uh uhs are leaving your mouth as he continues to groan next to your face, your boyfriend would be coming around to look for you soon. you don’t even care anymore, you’d let everyone out there see you both like this if it meant you could cum. “patrick, i’m there — i’m, fuck — ”

his head falls back as he feels your pussy milking him, instantly following after and going as deep as he can to make sure none of it drips out. a little surprise for him to find later he says after you tell him he should’ve pulled out. you’re getting fixed up quickly while he continues to try to get you to stay at his place for the night, “i’m not going anywhere else with you, you fucking loser, this was a one time thing.”

and while he smirks against the sink about to make another arrogant remark there are knocks at the door , “babe, are you in here?”

[fbfh]

I just read your rodrick heffley x reader hcs/drabbles and I NEED MORE OF YOUR SHORT!READER X RODRICK.

roddy has graduated from exclusively calling you shorty and shawty to calling you his backpack. he figured out you can carry stuff in your bra or non skin tight jeans or whatever and now insists on having you carry his stuff in exchange for piggy backs. it made you giggle like an idiot for a while, but then you started to grow really fond of it. no more barely being able to hear each other in crowds, no more getting fucking scoliosis from trying to kiss each other. now you're right there, chin on his shoulder talking and kissing him all day long. his big buff tatted (don't tell susan) drummer's arms can carry you like it's nothing, no matter how insecure you get about it. even if you get insecure he will literally start pick you up and flipping you like a swing dancer at a wedding so much that it makes your husband unable to recognize a pig in a nixon mask. (0:57)

you and roddy generally have such an april and andy vibe that if you do pull a sweater swap 1:27 his stretched out old loded diper shirt practically comes down to your knees and and your shirt barely coveres his nipples (which are also pierced. seriously don't tell susan.) he thinks you always look so pretty because he always sees you from that high up angle that makes you look all cute and adorable. he loves just pulling you into his lap and burying his face in your hair that's always so soft and smells like your shampoo and conditioner and on occasion that grape hair dye smell. roddy will always be the first to call out those "omg I'm so tiny and short and little!!!!" pick me girls. he takes so much pleasure in being like hmmm.... nah. they try to flirt with him, they put their hands against his and he sees through that shit in a second. he pushes the heel of their hand so it's actually level with his and chuckles.

"my shawty's fingers barely come up to here..." he laughs. I stand firm in my statement that he will place his hand on a pick me girl's head and line it up with him and be like "nah, my baby's way shorter and is actually short, I think you're just average height lol"

briefly circling back to the whole backpack thing roddy especially loves it when you wear those big chunky shoes that make you average height because you look cute, you like feeling tall, and he gets to carry you around when your feet get tired. honestly I think roddy just has a thing for super short girls. if he can't see the crown of your head when you're standing next to him he doesn't want it.

[writingsfromhome]

If you Love Something

A/N: this has been an idea sitting in my drafts for a while. You and Harry had a brief but intense relationship as teenagers, were forced to make a serious decision then, and it’s aftereffects have lingered for the rest of your lives. It deals with some heavier topics so read with caution (alcoholism, depression, unwanted pregnancy etc). I’d describe it as sad but hopeful.

Part 2

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Age 17.

It started in secret. We’d found each other on the roof of a house party. Truth be told, I saw him sneak out of the window where people were crowded around the TV watching some controversial music video I hadn’t heard about. And I’d followed.

I knew who Harry was. Had him in English, Maths, and Biology last year. He was well spoken, thoughtful, and silly. I never spoke to him once though. Only admired him from afar.

Tonight I had my first drink and then another. I was feeling buzzed and despite being painfully shy for most of the time I’d known everyone here, I was suddenly gripped by the realization that we were approaching the last year we would all be together. Why had I waited this long to pursue someone I thought was cute?

I snuck out after him, when my friends weren’t looking. I even tilted the window more closed than usual so no one would suspect anything; I had the attic room at home so I knew how to maneuver the angled roof to get comfortable.

“You need any help?” Harry’s voice is clear in the silence.

“I’m alright.” I stand up to peer at him. He’s climbed near the top.

“Sure? You don’t seem steady.”

“Oh I’m steady,” I prove it to him by climbing up to where he was. “See?”

“I’m mistaken. My bad.” He holds out a hand to help me sit beside him and the night sky flashes brighter for an instant when I grasp his hand. My stomach is in knots.

“Harry. Styles.” I don’t know why I say his full name but I was nervous.

He repeats my full name back to me. I don’t know why I’m surprised he knows it. It’s not like we went to a big school.

“What brings you out here?”

I try to be bold about it, “You?”

“Party was getting too much.” He says. I stare at him in confusion while he complains about something his friends had gotten up to.

I replay my answer and realized it sounded like I’d skipped answering his question and asked the question back. Bugger.

“You know my name.” I interrupt him, forgetting he was telling me a story. Awkward.

“Yeah? Of course I do.”

“We’ve never talked.”

“We talked. Once in Maths. We had to grade each other’s answers.”

Oh yeah. I burn when I remember the 4/10 he’d given me with a smiley face saying that maths was masochistic.

“Barely.”

“I know you though,” he says with a softness that makes my heart stutter.

“Do you?” I look to him, resting my chin on my shoulder. He gazes down at me and I swear I could taste the colours around us.

His eyes draw me deeper as he inches closer. Was he going to kiss me? Oh my god.

I look back out to the roof and he jerks away. Omg.

“I do.”

“Oh,” I don’t know what to do after that awkward moment.

“I know you’re really quiet and shy but your smile is so loud you can see it from across the room.” He says and my breath catches as he continues. “You’re yourself with your friends, you really like Harry Potter and field hockey. You would kill Mal Adams if you could get away with it and you hate Maths just as much as you love art. You’re dating Oli Graves but your smile is only ever shining half as bright when you’re around him. Can I go on?”

I stop breathing completely halfway through his declaration of knowing me. All this time I had my eye on him, I didn’t know he was watching me too.

“I didn’t ask you for your opinion on my relationship.”

“You didn’t. I didn’t give you one either.”

I glare at him. He was right. He smiles knowing he was. I’m mad that I’m not mad at him. That he was right.

“What are you doing with a guy like that?”

Oli and I had been dating for 7 months now. He was loud and fun in a way I wish I could be. That’s why I liked him so much. That’s why I was at a party like this to begin with.

“He’s a good guy.”

“That’s all?” He asks. I look over but he’s looking up at the sky. I follow his gaze and get lost in the great expanse of nighttime.

“I think you deserve someone who sees you. Don’t you?”

“Did Ally see you?” I ask with a hint of aggression I didn’t mean to have.

“Ally and I broke up during Easter. So there’s your answer.” He’s unbothered.

“Well what do you want?” I ask.

“Right now? Or in life?”

I shrug. “Both?”

“I want to explore the world and meet all kinds of people. I wanna make the world a better place by being in it. It’s cheesy as shit so if you ever said I said this I’ll deny it and you’ll look like-“

“My lips are sealed.” I turn his way to promise him that. It makes me laugh at how serious he looks saying it all and when I do his face relaxes.

“You laugh is nice too. I forgot to mention that.”

That quiets me very quickly.

“And right now,” he continues. “I’d really like to kiss you.”

My ears ring. Did I hear him right? Could you get so drunk you hallucinate? I swear the cold air had sobered me-

“Did you hear what I said?” Harry’s moved in closer to me. Did I? I don’t know.

“What d-“

“I’d like to kiss you.”

I nod, afraid to talk and realize I’d hallucinated him saying that.

The world melts away when he kisses me. It’s tender, nothing like Oli and his jagged pushy kissing. In the nighttime air it’s warm, and soft, and easy.

“I know you,” Harry says when we part. I’d nearly climbed into his lap and I try to edge away, embarrassed, but he keeps a hand firm on my thigh.

“I know you too Harry,” I breathe. He smiles and it crinkles his luscious eyes.

I think I was falling.

***

We keep it a secret after I break up with Oli. For months, until mid-August when I invite him over for dinner after my mom insists on meeting “the boy I was all doe-eyed over”. The night with my family goes so well—Harry is the picture of a courteous gentleman that even my sister is swayed by him despite saying boys were gross. I ask him to hang out, in public, the next day. He doesn’t hesitate to say yes.

That’s what I love about Harry—yes love. He’s not pushy, he lets me go at my own pace. He respects me and sees me for everything I am and loves me anyway. I wanted to spend my whole life with him.

It was so intense and relaxed at the same time. It felt like no relationship I’d been in before. I felt different being with him, even my friends noticed.

When final year started, Harry and I were official but we didn’t flaunt it. We didn’t need to. My friends knew about us and they were happy for us, they told me I was more me. Whatever that meant.

Life was phenomenal and I was living in a dusky haze. Nothing could touch us.

Until one day in February. I was out with my sister, mum didn’t want to take her out and since I recently got my driver’s license with plenty of lessons from Harry, I was driving her to the mall. She needed Valentine’s Day cards.

“I thought you said love is stupid.” I remind her on the way.

“It is.”

“So why the hell am I driving you to buy cards for a made up holiday?”

“Because!” She crosses her arms and stares out the window. I flick her arm at a red light.

“You have a crush.”

“I do not!”

“Do too. Who is it? James? Mattie? Hamid?”

“Ew! They’re freaks.” My sister continues staring out the window.

“Why do you want to buy cards so bad!?”

“I just want them! For my friends!”

“Okay then,” I didn’t believe her. But I couldn’t bring her home crying or mum would ground me.

A lot of places have slim pickings. Wandering the aisle of Waterstones I catch sight of a family friend. She was my dad’s uni friend’s daughter, a few years older than me but by the time I got to secondary she had dropped out after getting pregnant. I remember the buzz when everyone found out.

I avoid her and find an aisle to occupy myself.

Harry and I were always careful, mum had already given me the talk and he never pressured me to do anything I didn’t. I imagine Harry as a dad. He would make a good one I think.

As one thought leads to another I go cold as I realize something. My last period was during the holidays.

I feel like I’m walking in a swarm of locusts as I walk to the edge of the aisle, scanning for my sister. Maybe I can pop into a pharmacy before she’s done. Maybe…

This was crazy. It was probably just a missed period.

But if it isn’t, another voice asks. I felt it in my gut. I had to do this.

I don’t remember getting home. I don’t remember anything about the rest of that day except two faint lines, and then two faint lines again, and a third time. I fall asleep before dinner that night and shut the world out.

***

“I know something’s wrong.” Harry’s walking me home after school. It’s Valentine’s Day and he’d been nothing but sweet. He bought me chocolates, flowers, and we planned to cook dinner together after school. I had bought him chocolates too, and had written him a heartfelt note with a bunch of photos of us weeks ago. The box was in my room, waiting for tonight. “Do you not like the flowers? Or is it dinner? We can go out somewhere instead?”

“No everything’s lovely.” I’d never heard Harry this desperate before. It gets under my skin even though part of me knows that’s not really it. But having him hover over me all week trying to figure out what was wrong was too much.

I’d spent every night this week with a hand over my belly. Thinking about it. I hadn’t told anyone. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. All I can think of was Jenny and I didn’t want that life. I couldn’t. I couldn’t be a mother.

“Please. What’s the matter.” Harry asks again, tugging at my hands but I pull them away.

“I just need some space!” I shout and he flinches. “I’m sorry Harry. I just need space right now.”

“Right now like…” he scratches his head. “I don’t get you. It’s Valentine’s Day, we’ve been talking about this day for weeks what do you mean you want space?”

“I can’t do this right now. Please.”

“Are you-are we…”

“I’m not breaking up with you.” I look at Harry with tears in my eyes, I didn’t want to cry out here. But every time I look at him I remember the reality. What’s growing inside me. I can’t take it. “I just can’t do today.”

I go inside my house. Leave him without further explanation. I feel awful, I can’t hold the tears in long enough to get to my room.

***

“Hey love?” My mum and dad knock on my door at half past 5. I lay in the dark, having cried myself dry. “We’re worried about you. Can we talk.”

“I can’t.” I say, voice stuffy.

“I thought you and that boyfriend of yours had plans,” dad says. He liked Harry but he rarely called him by his name. “Did something happen?”

“No!” I wanted them to leave me alone. “I just. I had to cancel. I’m fine.”

“Don’t sound fine to me love,” I feel the mattress dip as mum sits down. Dad strokes my hair. They whisper something I can’t hear and a pair of footsteps pad out of my room.

“Mum just leave me alone.” I try again.

“I’m not.” She pushes me further into my bed and leans down, tugging my blanket down. When I finally look at her she smiles kindly and kisses my forehead. That fills me up enough to start wailing again. “Oh love, what’s wrong?”

“Everything!” I sob into my blanket. Mom lays down beside me and I let myself be cradled like a child. God, I had a child. This was so fucked.

“Talk to me. We can figure it out together.”

I don’t know how my parents would react. They were never particularly strict, especially after what happened with Jenny I remember them always being sympathetic. We even visited her in hospital with a gift.

Mum strokes my hair and whispers that it’ll be okay. Slowly my sobbing eases into light sniffles. I had to tell her. She would know what to do. And if she hated me for it, I would just have to deal with it.

“Mum don’t be mad-“

“I won’t honey I-“

“No. Mum.” I cut her off. She moves back on the pillow so she can see my whole face, moving a strand of hair so I couldn’t hide. “Something…messed up. Happened. And…I was careful. We were always careful I don’t know what happened but I-“

I watch her face changed. Like she knew. She knew what was coming but she waits patiently as I muster up the courage to say the words that felt too real once I said them.

“Mum I’m…I’m pregnant.”

Her eyes fill with tears and she bites her lip. What was she thinking? Was she crying for me or with me? Why wasn’t she saying anything!?

“Mum-“

“C’mere.” She wraps me in her embrace again and kisses the top of my head. My body feels drained and limp. I finally told somebody. It was real. This living thing inside of me was real.

“What happened?” She asks next. And I tell her what I think happened. When. How I found out. She listens, holding my hand in hers. When I’m done and it’s poured out of me she smiles supportively. “This isn’t a bad thing okay? It’s okay. Any decision you make is up to you. I’ll talk to your dad but just know you call the shots okay? I love you.”

This is what carries me. The love.

She asks me it I told Harry yet and I tell her the truth. She urges me to tell him. I tell her I wanted to so bad but I was scared.

She leaves shortly after that, I hear her talking softly outside my room. Nobody calls me for dinner until 7, a soft knock on my door. My sister would never be so soft, I assume it’s dad so I tell him to come in. I was scared to face him.

It’s Harry instead.

“Harry!” I cover my splotchy face with my blanket, why was he here? Did mum invite him? This was soo embarrassing.

My heart pounds and Harry is silent until he takes a seat where mum had previously been.

“I came over, your mum invited me. She explained.”

She did what? For a moment I feel betrayed.

“She said you weren’t doing so well. Stressed? I could make you some tea if you’d like. But I told you y/n, you’ll get into unis. You don’t have to worry so…”

I sigh. Mum had told him a half-truth. But he had come. Of course he had.

I couldn’t even think about uni right now because that lead me down a road of what if I couldn’t go because I had a baby. And that life felt so bleak it made me depressed.

“Harry.” I inch my blanket down a little and his eyes go round when he looks at me.

“You look…awful.”

“I know.” I cover my face with my hair but he brushes it away and kisses my forehead.

“No. I’m worried about you. I brought dinner-“

“Oh Harry.” I spot the bag he brought with him.

“I made it all for us. With my mum’s help but mostly me. I packed it to bring to you.”

I didn’t deserve him. And I had to tell him. And he was going to break up with me. What high school boy wanted a child?

“Harry it’s not uni.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I was carrying another living thing. It was the size of a seed but I was carrying it inside me. Like a living breathing pot. I was a potted plant.

“Then what is it?” His brows crinkle. “Is it us?”

“No!” I rush to tell him. “I…I don’t know how to say this. And I don’t know how you’re going to react but it’s okay either way.”

“What are you talking about?” His hands slide up my lap. “What is it?”

“Harry. I’m um, I’m pregnant.”

I watch him freeze and stay exactly how he is, his brows pinch ever so slightly. I knew this look. He looked still on the outside but his mind was racing. And I was scared what was racing through it.

“Pregnant?”

“Yeah. From…the holidays.”

“How did-I thought we-“

“I guess it’s not foolproof.” I whisper. Mum had told me to go on the pill, and I hadn’t listened because all my friends told me it made them gain weight. If only I had listened. Now I was gaining weight anyway.

“What are we going to do?” He asks next. And I never realized six little words could weigh the world. If I could cut those words out and surgically implant them into my heart I would. Just to remind me the equal parts relieved and comforted they made me.

I hold his face in my hands, new tears springing to my eyes. He was in this. With me.

He kisses me and pulls me into a hug. I cry into his shirt again and he holds me so tight I swear I could break.

“I don’t know if I can keep it Harry,” I finally whisper to him.

His hands fist in my shirt, he holds his breath and after a long minute he lets me go with it.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Was he really okay with all this?

“It’s…I can’t make you keep it.”

“You’d want to keep it?” I couldn’t believe it.

“It’s…” he swallows his sentence and keeps his gaze on my stomach. I tug his hand and lay it over it. When his eyes meet mine I see a hint of heartbreak. We were going to break our hearts either way I think.

Not once did I think he might want to keep it.

“It’s okay.” Harry finally says. “We’re so young right? How would we keep a baby and go to school, and do everything we always talk about?”

“Yeah I don’t…I don’t know.”

“I love you.” He says with such a sudden passion. I wrap my arms around his and return the sentiment.

Eventually we lay down and just talk about everything. Truthfully, my head was telling me not to keep the baby but everything else felt dead thinking about it.

Maybe that’s why it took me until April to finally make a decision. It was the size of a plum by then, and a tiny bump was starting to show but only when I stood naked in front of the mirror. With clothes on, nobody was the wiser. But the longer I kept it, I think the more Harry fell in love with it. The idea of it.

We have a long talk during our Easter holiday. We talked in my bedroom until the sun comes up. I tell him I was sure of my decision.

I’d gotten accepted to Cambridge by then. Harry was staying in London. We knew it wasn’t feasible. To live the life we always wanted, we had to get rid of this new life we never knew could happen.

I don’t know why but I don’t tell him the day I go to do it. I go with my mum. Mum drops my sister off at school—she didn’t know. Mum said she had a big mouth.

We drive in silence. When we park mum asks how I feel.

“Sad.” It was the truth. I knew this was right. But it felt like shite.

“Yeah.” She rubs my hands. “Want to go in?”

“I just want to sit here for a bit.” I tell her.

“Okay. I’ll go sign you in.”

She takes my purse and hers and leaves me there. I take the moment to ground myself. Say goodbye to the other future.

When mum knocks on my window I jump.

“Yn? Is everything alright?”

“Yeah yeah I’m coming in.” I open the door.

“You know you’ve been sitting here half hour?”

I pause, one leg out the door and one still in. “I…I must have got lost in my head. Sorry mum-“

“Look. Do you want to do this?”

“I don’t know…I have to.”

“There are other options love-“

“But how can I give it up and live my whole life like that?”

“We can help raise her. You can go on and live your life-“

“I’d be a horrible mother.” Mum and I had this row so many times before. It always ended in me storming away but I couldn’t here.

“You don’t need to make the decision today.”

“But I do.” I tell her. “Otherwise it’ll drive me insane.”

I tuck both feet back into the car and rest my hand on my belly. I’d allowed myself to do that only in my room, when I was alone. Doing it out here made it feel even more real. Suddenly I couldn’t imagine going through with the decision.

“I can’t do this.” I tell my mum.

She smooths my hair down and kisses my temple. My door closes and a few seconds later she climbs in beside me.

“Think about it.”

“I can’t. But I can’t keep it either.”

“Okay.” Mum pulls me into her and I think I should cry but I can’t. I’m calm, maybe I know I’d made the right decision. Or just a decision. I was going to stick to this.

“I can’t raise it. I’m just a child I…maybe someone out there wants a baby and can’t have one maybe-“

“I’ll look into it for you.” Mum promises. “You set the rules remember?”

And that’s how it goes. Mum looks into it, we decide to go for adoption. We go to the hospital on the first warm day of the year. By then I’d taken to wearing jumpers over flowy dresses and been thankful for the first time in my life that I wasn’t skinny like other girls. At most angles you couldn’t tell my belly was so perfectly round.

By then too, Harry had accepted the decision. He seemed relieved. Thinking aloud he’d said maybe he could raise it, but quickly turned around when I asked him what he’d do about uni.

“Someone out there can take care of it better than us. Someone will love the baby like we do.”

During the summer, I tell all my friends I was staying with family in midlands. And I do go up there, that’s where the couple who was adopting lived. Harry and I meet them with my mum and his. It’s awkward, we run out of conversation fast. But their house is big and they already have a 2 year old from an adoption last year. My baby was going to be loved here. And have a sibling.

“We did want to discuss one last thing,” they’d said before we left. We all listen intently. “We…find it best when it’s a no contact adoption. We’ve had a lot of friends who keep contact open and it gets messy-“

“What?” I hadn’t really thought about this until now. Hearing I’d have to give the baby up and go on like it didn’t exist felt wrong. Harry’s hand slips into mine.

“This is typical,” Harry’s mum says from his side. “Let’s hear it out.”

“Right. So just to prevent future complications, we do no contact. Of course when baby’s older and wants to seek out the real parents we can’t stop them. But until then…”

“Thank you.” My mum steps in when it goes silent. I could hardly wrap my head around what they were saying. When it gets older?

Pretty soon mum is ushering me out and Harry’s hand is still clutching mine. We don’t let go until we reach my Uncle’s where we were staying until August. The baby was due in September. I was going to miss the first week of class.

“I can’t do this.” I tell them later. “How can we just have no contact.”

“I thought you knew.” Mum says. “I explained that some parents want this when they adopt.”

She might have. Ever since I hit the third trimester like my doctor said, I’ve had a hard time listening and understanding what someone was saying after they spoke too long. I was glad school was done—for obvious reasons, but also for not having to sit in a class and learn.

“We have no other choice.” Harry says from beside me. He rubs my back and slowly, I zone back into the conversation. “We can find another family but they might want the same thing.”

“What if the baby never looks for us?” I turn to him, our heads press against the other’s. “What if we go our whole lives just wondering?”

“What’s the other option?” Harry whispers. He was right. I just didn’t want to get it.

Acceptance slowly creeps into me over the course of the summer. It was always hot carrying another person around, I was always hungry and thirsty, and very cranky. Harry came up to see me every other weekend when he could, mum stayed with me and that summer was one I could never forget.

It was September 1st, a particularly hot day. Rain fell in the afternoon and by the time the unforgiving sun set, the cool air was heavenly.

I sat by the bedroom window, moisturizing my belly like mum had shown me, talking to the baby. I wrote it a letter last week all about me, that I loved them and hoped the best for them. I told the baby about my family, how Harry and I met, and then I sealed it in an envelope with a picture of Harry and me. It was taken last Halloween when we’d both dressed up as each other. I tell mum to give it to the new parents. In case the day came the baby wondered about who we were.

As I spoke softly, I felt a gush of something wet down my leg.

“What?” I stand up, confused. “I…”

It takes me a second. I was going into labour.

“Mum!” I shout. “Mum! Come here!”

She rushes in and confirms it. It was happening.

“But it’s supposed to be next week!” I try not to panic but that’s all I can do as mum grabs our things and my aunt rushes to the car. “Does this mean something’s wrong? Is the baby o-“

I freeze as a contraction forces me to fold. I’d felt the kicking and the nausea and everything in between but these. These were a bitch.

Somehow we make it to hospital. Somehow I lay on a bed and push when the doctor tells me to. I nearly pass out. I just wanted Harry here with me. He didn’t know his kid was being born.

With a final push that felt like I was ascending my body and leaving it behind, I hear a wail and I cry. The baby was out, they cried and everything was okay.

“Okay congratulations mummy,” a nurse crouches down to me. “We’re going to clean you and baby up. She’s healthy and looks okay.”

“What?” I can barely see with my hair in my face and the nurses around me. It was a she? I had a baby girl?

We were never told the gender, so we wouldn’t get attached. But I had a baby girl. The nurse just called me mum.

I feel the tears on my cheeks, I was crying too. I try to look around me but a new nurse is talking in hushed voices to the doctor.

“…outside…call…adoption…shouldn’t or….contact-“

“What’s going on?” I can barely get the words out. “What?”

“Oh my love,” suddenly mum’s in the room and things are a bit better. A bit better.

“Mum what’s going on?”

“The baby’s born. The parents are outside they’re going to meet her soon.”

“What?” I look at mum’s face and it’s shining with tears. Why was she crying?

“Oh she’s beautiful love, she’s perfect. But your job’s done now. You should rest.”

“Mum,” I cry. “Where is she? Can’t I hold her?”

“No love,” mum moves my hair out of my face. I feel something break in half inside of me. I couldn’t even hold the baby? The baby girl? Mine and Harry’s baby girl?

“Why? Mum why? I just want to see her-“

“I’m sorry,” mum says through tears. “It’s just the way it is. She’s going to a loving home okay? She’s good. You’re okay.”

I can’t stop crying. I was going to lose her last April and I stopped that but I lost her anyway. My baby, I was never going to see her.

I remember when my sister was born. I was 5 and I was angry she’d taken the attention away. But when I saw her with her perfect toes and angel face I was obsessed with her. I even remember her first steps, she’d taken them at a park with mum and dad and me together. I was never going to know these things about my own baby. I was never going to know her.

I must pass out soon after. I remember waking up to the nurses instructing me about something. I’m half asleep and barely remember what I did when I get up. When I do wake it’s morning and there’s a figure on the chair beside me.

“You’re up.”

Harry. Relief washes over me knowing he’s here.

“Harry they took her,” I tell him.

“I know. I know yn.”

I move aside and he crawls into bed with me. I must look disgusting but he watches me with love brimming in his eyes. I can tell he’s been crying.

“I feel empty,” I whisper. Like someone had carved me out like a pumpkin. Something I’d had with me all year was gone. “How can I just move on? Start uni and all that when I…they just took her.”

“I keep thinking that.” Harry says. “Khalil invited me to a party to meet some blokes from uni and I just sat in my car the whole time. I couldn’t even go in. She…she was never going to be ours.”

“I feel awful.” I burrow into his neck as he strokes my hair. “A baby girl.”

“A baby girl,” Harry echoes.

***

I head to uni a week later. My body still feels like it fought a war and lost. It’s like it still thinks there’s a baby there. I produce milk for a few days, continue to have contractions, my belly is saggier than usual and I can’t stop crying about everything.

My dad drops me off to uni. He tells me he was proud of me, that I was always his baby girl. I cry then just like I cried at home when I said bye to mum, or when my sister hugged me which she never does. I can’t stop crying.

When I move into my dorm I feel like a completely different person than I thought I was going to be. My dormmate fills me in on everything she’s learned, complains about a boy and a party and it just feels so irrelevant to me. Did I used to care about those things? I had a baby. And now I didn’t.

By October, Harry and I are in different worlds. We hadn’t broken up but we talk weekly. Each week there’s less to talk about. When I visit home in October, being around him just makes me sad. He tries to cheer me up, make it like old times, but I know he’s hurting inside too.

I decide to do the breaking up. And at first he’s angry, insisting we could make it work. He actually refuses and walks away. We don’t talk for a whole day.

But at a house party in South where his uni mates were from, he accepts the end.

Through tears we kiss each other one final time, we whisper sweet nothings, we pour into each other all the hopes and wishes we had for each other.

When he hugs me for the last time I leave something behind. It’s similar to waking up the morning after my delivery and knowing something was gone. I really feel the shape of the loss. It sits in my sternum, a hole that grows smaller with time, but not just yet.

I fall into a depressed state for most of my first semester but my dormmate doesn’t give up on me and eventually I go to my first uni party. Eventually my brain fog clears and I actually go to all my classes. Eventually my life, on the outside, looks like it could be back to normal but inside I ache with the loss. So much that it becomes part of me. I don’t know where it ends, and I begin. It lives in me.

Age 23.

“The first of many hey?” Mal clinks his bottle to mine. I barely knew Mal but we were both friends with Khalil and therefore both at his stag.

“Before you know it we’re all going down,” one of Khalil’s friends joins in. “Stag after stag, suit after suit, it’s gonna be a blur man.”

“Let’s enjoy it while we can!” Someone cheers and everyone raises their beers. I toast with a smile; blokes loved to act like being in a relationship was the last thing they wanted when I knew most of them were mush in their girlfriend’s hands.

I also smile knowing I bought an engagement ring a few weeks back. I wanted to propose to Shannon, we met on her 22 when a friend invited me along. I couldn’t keep my eyes off the birthday girl. We’d been together since.

“Who do you think’s next?” The bets start going and nobody bets on me. Everyone always thought Shan was too good for me, they were counting on us breaking up. I was going to prove them all wrong.

The night gets sloppier until we all head back to the air bnb we’d rented for this. Tomorrow we were all supposed to go play golf like we were cosplaying old money bastards when we all knew we were just broke blokes from East. But I guaranteed they’d all be too hungover. We would get to the club and just drink the hangovers away.

And I’m right. I update Shan that I’m right when the boys stay in the dining area of the club. They decide on lunch and I step out to talk to my girlfriend.

“No birds allowed this weekend,” someone pipes in when I excuse myself.

“That’s just cuz you’re miserable Eli.” I brush past as the boys laugh. At me. And him.

I catch up with Shan. It was a bright day for September and I stay a little longer after the phone ends. Shan was in med school, she was always stressed or sleep deprived. I tried to support her the best I could—right now she needed moral support that she was going to get an internship she was applying for.

“Mummy doesn’t like when I have sweets,” a small voice says to my left. I look at a father with his daughter. He’s crouched down zipping her sweater up while she rambles on.

“Well it’s going to be our secret.” The dad says. “Sundays are for sweets aren’t they?”

“I love sweets.” She responds.

The father catches my eye and I shoot him a smile.

“Her mum’s going to hear every detail when we get home,” he says as he stands. “Can’t keep a secret to save her life.”

I laugh. The way she was rambling on, I didn’t think so. “How old’s she?”

“6.” He says, smiling down at her fondly. My heart aches.

“Almost 7.” She corrects her dad.

“Birthday’s in the spring.” He says more to me. “But almost 7 sure.”

I see them leave with one more shared smile, like we’re in on something. I imagine that’s how it would feel to be a parent. Always knowing something your kid doesn’t.

My daughter was 6. Wherever she was.

Thinking about the daughter I never had, the girl I lost always leaves me a little winded. Today’s no different.

Yn and I both made an agreement and it had been the hardest thing I’d done. Letting her go. It took me a proper year to even think about moving on.

I liked to think about yn, doing everything she wanted to do. But when I thought about the baby I spiralled into a dark pit. Sometimes when I drank too much, it pulled me in too deep to get out of. That’s what Shan liked to call my depressive drinking. She’s limited me to 3 drinks since.

Before I go in I take a minute to think about yn, where she might be. I hear from friends in high school random facts about her life. But I wonder how she’s doing. If she thinks about our baby like I do. How life would have been if I’d been here, calling her on the phone instead, asking if our baby girl was doing alright.

Age 29.

I stare at the nape of the man in front of me. It couldn’t be, but I’d memorized the back of his head—amongst other things, nearly 2 decades ago and I would bet £1000 I knew who this was. But I continue staring until the cashier rings him up.

In the same voice I remember, the one from my memories and my fantasies, I hear him say: “debit.”

I wait for him to pay before saying, “Harry?”

He turns so quickly he drops his card, wallet, and keys.

“Hi!” I laugh awkwardly and crouch down to help him pick his things up. There’s an awareness that the people in the queue behind me are witness to a moment that feels more intimate than a grocery store chat and it makes me shrink a little in my shell like a spooked turtle.

“Hi I-uh,” Harry short-circuits in front of me as the bored cashier holds his receipt out and stares at him with eyes that have worked one shift too many.

“I’ll just bag-“

“Yeah we can talk later.” I give him what I hope is a reassuring smile but it feels watery. I couldn’t believe of all the places I’d run into him, it was a grocery queue. How intense in such a mundane place.

As I watch my total rise on screen I risk a glance at Harry. His hand hovers over a white reusable bag, I wonder if that was his. Or his wife’s. If they did their weekly shop in a mismatch of bags that looked like that or they were the type of couple to have a set.

His eyes are on me though, somehow here and not here. I feel the same way.

I look back to the cashier asking me how I was paying. She glances between Harry and I. I don’t look back at him. Or the growing queue a few feet away.

I take my groceries—just some items my mum asked me to pick up, and stuff them into the tote I’m wearing. Harry waits for me by the exit.

“Hi.” He says as his eyes scan my face. I do the same, taking in all the ways time had spent with him. It must have been good—he looked good. “I can’t believe-“

“A Whole Foods of all places.” I laugh. A grin splits his face but his eyes stay on me.

“That smile, that laugh. God I’ve missed you.”

“I…missed you too.” How I could miss someone I’d known for one year and then never again for nearly two decades…I didn’t realize it was possible until now.

“Are you busy?” He asks. “Maybe we can grab a drink or?”

“I don’t…drink.” I hated that I had to announce it to people. I was still at the stage where I was figuring out how to say it confidently, or find a way around saying it.

“Oh.” Harry glances down at my belly and I realize he’d misunderstood but it’s too unspoken to correct him. “Cafe?”

“Yeah. That sounds lovely.” Honestly going anywhere with him sounded lovely right now. I wanted to cancel all my plans for the day and just sit with him. Stare at him and catch up. I couldn’t believe he was here.

We walk in a comfortable but waiting silence, like taking a cold drink out to a park with the anticipation it’s going to be good , and no desperation to open it as soon as you get it.

“Usual? Tea?” Harry asks when we step into a nearby cafe. It’s big for a cafe but has enough students working on laptops to not feel empty. I nod, unsure how to feel that Harry still knows what I order at a cafe. Or that my order hasn’t changed since 17.

I find us a booth and pretty soon he’s sliding into the seat across from me. The two of us can’t stop smiling.

“Hi,” he says again.

“Hi…”

“You look good, the same but better.”

“I was going to say the same thing about you!” I exclaim. More smiling.

“How’s…I mean, how are you? How is everything? What-“

“There’s so much to ask-“

“I don’t even know how to ask what I want to know!” Harry laughs and I’m warmed from the inside out at the sound of it.

“This shouldn’t be hard!”

“No.” He scrubs his face. “I’m really buzzing that we’ve run into each other.”

“Me too. It’s a bit unbelievable.”

“I know.” He continues gripping his cup and not taking his eyes off of me. It’s the exact way he used to look at me when we were teenagers. It nearly takes my breath away. “You look good—but I already said that. Sorry.”

“No,” I laugh. “That’s all that’s running through my head.”

“Oh—I remember hearing you were engaged a few years ago-“

“Yeah.” I turn my hand so he can see the ring. “Married now. You?”

“Yeah,” he looks down at his own hand. He had so many rings on I couldn’t tell from a glance. “Coming up to 5 years now.”

“Wow. It’s only 1.5 for me but Tatum and I—my husband, we’d been since uni.”

“Took him a while.”

“Mhm,” it had been a sore subject way back then. Harry says it casually but he studies my face. I know he wants to ask more but he’ll politely maneuver around it.

“Are you happy?”

I let out a breath. “That’s more complicated than anything else you could ask!”

“Is it?”

“Yeah I-“ I shrug. “I don’t know if I am. But I also have no idea what I could do about it. So. There’s that.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” My stomach curdles with his words. I didn’t want pity, least of all from Harry. Harry. I can’t believe he was here. “I get it though. Everyone says your 30s are even more glorious than your 20s. We’ll see soon enough if they’re right.”

I meet his eye, they always intimidated me to look too long into. Even now, I glance back down at my drink. When I look up again he has a wry smile twisting his lips. He knew.

I was sorry to hear life hadn’t been as good for him. And then I understand, it wasn’t pity he was giving me. He truly was sorry like I.

I thought about Harry often. Of course I did. I liked to imagine him living out his dreams like he always talked about. I liked to imagine him happy and thriving.

“Do you ever think about us?” I have to ask. “If we did it all differently?”

“We would have had a 12 year old with us.”

Hearing him say it feels like someone had taken a screwdriver and opened me up. Raw and exposed. But looking at him I know he thought about her as much as I had. Both of us were apparently mourning a future neither of us had fought for.

“Yeah,” I breathe but I just sound winded.

“We were trying, at one point—Shan and I.” Harry fiddles with his ring. “Did all the tests and the trials and the shite. But no kids. It put a real strain on my relationship. I think we cracked instead of bending. And I don’t think either of us know how to make it right again.”

I grasp his hand and squeeze. “I know what that’s like. It’s hard. I…a couple years ago. I lost a baby. A baby boy. I felt like it was a punishment for-“

“Don’t.”

We hold onto each other, our drinks long forgotten. He holds my hand and it feels like being known again, like I wasn’t such an awful person. That someone could see everything I’ve done and still choose to have love for me.

“I’m sorry.” He tells me.

“Me too.” I bite my lip. With a sigh I let him go and lean back. Here we’d been so excited to bump into each other but we’d both been carrying sorrow and grief. It wasn’t very hopeful.

“So I guess you’re not drinking because you’re-“

“No.” I say, surprisingly without feeling awkward. “I’m just sober right now. Trying to figure out life without a drink.”

“Sounds like torture but I respect that. Sounds hard.”

“It was at first. I like the feeling now of thinking clearly. But I miss a glass of wine I do sometimes.”

We smile at each other.

“So do you live around here?” Harry broaches talking again after both of us had lapsed into silence for a while. I blink away the fog of the past.

“Yeah. You?”

“Nah. Shan’s out of town and I was feeling lonely. Came over to visit my sister. I’m just staying with her for the week.”

“Lucky me then.” I smile.

“Lucky me too.” He smiles back. It’s soft. We’re soft. It felt impossible to me after all this time the tenderness was still the strongest thing between us.

We chat a bit more, much about nothing. What we did for a job, anyone we still kept in touch with from school. Nothing that meant a lot.

“I need to head off now,” I say when my phone buzzes for a second time. “I was on my way to my mum’s. She keeps calling me.”

“Yeah. Don’t want to keep you.” Harry says but he stays seated. So do I.

We continue just studying the other until my phone rings again and I laugh. “It was…I really loved seeing you.”

I slide out and Harry mirrors me. I still come to his chest, he still smells the same and stands the same and looks just as handsome.

“How about uhm, how about dinner some time?” Harry asks. I knew it was coming, it’s still painful saying no.

“I…can’t. I…we can’t just do dinner, can we?”

“No,” Harry bows his head. We had too much history to just do dinner. From what he said—and I knew, both our lives were too complicated to add the allure of each other into the mix. I couldn’t do that to my life as tempted as I was. Especially not sober.

“Yeah.” He stands straight again and gives me space to head to the door. “Good seeing you. Give your mum my best if she doesn’t hate me.”

“She doesn’t.” I assure him. We stand awkwardly not sure if a kiss, a hug, or a wave was appropriate. We settle for a hug.

I remember the last time I was enveloped in his arms, tucked away into his tall frame. When we said goodbye forever, agreed to live our best lives separately. We’d both been too scarred to be anything together. Too much grief.

“Maybe we’ll run into each other again.” Harry smiles at me when we part.

“Maybe,” I say knowing full well I wouldn’t do groceries on the weekend anymore.

With a final wave we both part ways again, this time it doesn’t feel as much like closure.

Age 35.

“Graduation’s graduating, what a mouthful.” I say to Andie. We sit in the parking lot of a local pub back home. Both of us had avoided reunions after going to the first one 10 years ago and being reminded of how much people liked to remind you of who you used to be. But this year Andie found out an old flame was going and single. And this is the first year I saw that Harry had checked off going. So we’d decided to go together.

I could have easily reached out to him. Asked him about meeting up there. But I didn’t want to come across any way. I remember our run-in 6 years ago. We felt the same way—we would do anything for each other, and I didn’t want any affect over him coming. Last I heard he was still in a relationship. Just cuz I was didn’t mean I had to ruin another.

“Okay. We going in?” Andie passes me her flask.

I’d taken to drinking again. Originally I stopped after a particularly bad night when I was 28. It nearly cost me my wedding back then.

I stopped to get sober. To feel what it felt like not to rely on alcohol to keep from feeling my emotions. I had a lot of grief I never processed. And unfortunately being sober, and processing the grief and depression, had ultimately cost me my marriage. But I was better for it. I knew what unconditional love and support was. I didn’t want to settle for someone who only loved me at my best.

Now I felt in control when I drank. I knew when to stop.

“Let’s go!”

“Do you think he’ll remember me?” Andie asks as we walk up to the place.

“You comment on so many of his posts. I think he does.” I tease.

“Gah. It would have saved me so much heartbreak if I just told him back 18 years ago how I felt.”

“Maybe,” I think about my confessed love 18 years ago and the heartbreak that ensued.

“Well at least I would have gotten him outta my system. Oh god I see him-“

“Hi ladies,” we’re stopped near the front and given name tags, making small talk with the girls working the booth. I vaguely remember them from a club but I have to read their name tags to pretend I remembered them at all.

Andie ditches me pretty quickly but I don’t mind. I find some friends I saw a couple times a year. Guess this was the couple time this year.

The whole time my eyes scan the room. People had brought their partners and I wondered if Harry would do the same. Deep down, I prayed he didn’t. I just wanted to see him.

I spot him halfway through the night. He’s leaning against the bar talking to Khalil. I remembered they used to be friends, he was always nice to me while Harry and I dated.

I watch him talk and drink. I lose him for a bit and then catch him leaving. Shite.

I excuse myself and rush out but nearly trip over myself slowing down. He was just outside for a smoke break.

“When did that habit start?” I ask. He nearly jumps out of his skin.

“Fu-y/n you scared me.” He shakes his face dramatically, like he’s getting something off of it. I bite back a smile, he was pretty drunk. “When did you get here? I didn’t know you came to these things?”

“I don’t.” I correct him. I couldn’t tell him I came for him. “It was just the name of this reunion, Graduation’s graduating. How could I pass it up?”

This earns a laugh. Eases the air between us. “Did you see Oli in there? He’s gotten bald.”

“He looks like his dad actually,” I remember his dad was always coming to Oli’s football matches, screaming at his son to run faster.

“Glad you didn’t end up with him?” Harry smirks.

“Oh yeah. I heard last reunion he just kept going up for the karaoke sober. If I want my bloke to embarrass me, at least give him the excuse of being drunk.”

“Shit,” Harry laughs. “I remember that! I remember! Wish I could forget!”

I laugh with him. “Harry you’re getting pretty close to drunk yourself.”

“Ah yeah. More than 3 drinks that, I’m being naughty tonight.”

I scrunch my nose, no idea what he’s talking about.

“I can’t believe you’re here tonight,” Harry says again. “I thought I wasn’t going to see you again for another 12 years after our last time.”

“Thought I’d halve the time.” I watch Harry squash out the butt.

“Glad you did.” He looks at me and I’m 17 again. Why couldn’t we both be single? Why did I come here knowing I couldn’t have him.

Maybe I was as masochistic as the person who invented maths.

“Yn?” A voice calls out to me. “Oi! It is you I thought I was dreaming you up! What a sight!”

I’d been avoiding Oli all night. Not anymore.

I glance at Harry and he hides a smirk. Oli notices Harry then and his face hardens a little.

“Oli! Long time!” I go in for the hug he’s reaching for, unsure why he was so sweaty on an autumn night. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” he grins at me. “You look good! Not a day over 25.”

“Don’t flatter me Oli,” I roll my eyes. “It’s not going to get you anything.”

“I’m not looking! I swear it!” He says earnestly. “I’m just paying you a compliment. It’s good to see you. Hey, I’m actually in a good relationship. Gonna propose to her.”

“Are you? What’s she like?”

I stand in the brisk evening as Oli tells me about his girlfriend. I’m happy for him, what we had in high school wasn’t really a relationship but I never wished him bad. He was a good guy, I was glad he found his person.

I change the subject when he asks about my love life, tell him I was getting cold. We head back in and I tell him I’d catch up to him later. I’d lost Harry and wanted to find him again. I had more I wanted to talk about.

“Khalil,” I interrupt him playing pool. He goes in for a hug and I engage in polite small talk until I tire of it. “I’m looking for Harry.”

“Of course you are,” he wags a finger at me. “I saw him leaving ten minutes ago?”

“Jeez really?” I couldn’t believe I missed him! After coming here just for him. Maybe he had to get home, maybe he had a kid by now. Had to tuck him in.

“He’s not doing so well since the divorce-“

“What?” I stare at Khalil like he’s spoken gibberish. Why hadn’t I heard about that?

“Ehm yeah. He’s pretty private about it.”

“I didn’t know.”

“Yeah. He’s been separated a few years now but he just signed the papers a couple weeks ago. I dunno. He gets kinda depressed around this time of year. Probably the weather.”

It was September. It wasn’t the weather.

I had to find him.

I brush past the people I went to school with. I followed Harry outside to a roof 17 years ago and today I follow him out to find him again. We needed to talk.

I look both ways, hoping for a miracle.

I spot a figure slumped on the far end of the road. I recognize the church, it was where we went every Easter and Christmas growing up.

I walk towards the figure until I can make out the hair. It was Harry. Thank god.

“Why’d you leave?” I ask him when he looks up to my approaching footsteps.

“I drank too much,” he hangs his head again. I sit beside him.

“I heard about the divorce. I’m sorry.”

Harry shrugs. “We separated a while ago. It was coming for a long time.”

“Yeah. Still.” I say.

We sit in silence, the only sound is our breathing and the faint noises from the pub down the road.

“She’s in her last year by now.” I say without further explanation. I know he’d know.

“Our baby’s 17.”

Our baby? I feel choked up. All these years we’d been apart, built our own lives, and there was still an our even when there hadn’t been.

“It’s always been us hasn’t it?” Harry says. “Nobody understands.”

“They couldn’t. We were so young, making such a big decision.”

“Oh y/n.” He leans into me and I wrap my arm around his shoulder. He’s cold, his jacket pooled on the steps around him. I gather it to spread over his shoulder but he stops me. “How much heartbreak can you have in one lifetime?”

I sit, aching for the pain Harry was going through. Knowing it was mirrored in me.

“I’ve had enough for a lifetime. I know that.”

“Me too.” Harry sighs. “I miss you.”

“I’m right here.” I intertwine our hands. They still fit the exact same, all these years later. I examine them, but they looked the same too. I wonder if our baby girl ever looked at her hands, wondered who she inherited them from.

“D’you think she thinks about us?” Harry asks what I’m thinking.

“Maybe.” I say. “I like to think so. I just hope she doesn’t hate us for giving her up.”

“Yeah me too I think…” he hangs his head. I hear him sniffle. Seems like Harry hit the point of drinking where all you could feel is regret. I remember those days. I knew where he was.

When he doesn’t finish his sentence I fill the silence; “Me and Tatum split uh…four years ago now.” I update him. “You probably heard something about it. I remember my mum saying she ran into yours when it was happening. They probably talked all about it.”

I wait for Harry to give confirmation but he stays the way he is.

“I went sober a few years before then. Almost ruined our wedding cuz I was exactly where you were. Unprocessed grief and all I could do was drink about it. I’d given up a baby at 18, then lost a baby a decade later. It feels silly to say out loud, that something that never really came into this world—something the size of a fruit could act like the rock you push up the hill every morning. The grief you fight at your darkest times. How could we be haunted by something that didn’t even exist—not technically. But that’s just the way it was. And that’s the way it had to be when we were 18. I’m not always sure I made the right decision overall but I know it was a decision we had to make at the time. I’ve had to find my peace. So do you Harry.”

“Yeah. I-I have to. Y’know? Sometimes I wonder if I would have made her proud.” Harry sniffles. I had similar thoughts. My throat feels tight remembering. “I don’t think, right now, I would be.”

“She’s so loved. She is so loved Harry. Whatever…wherever she is.”

“I love you.” Harry turns to me. His face is raw with grief and emotion. “Never stopped loving you. But I don’t want to give you this version of me.”

“I’ll take any version of you Harry.” I reassure him. “I think we’ve seen too much of each other to be able to hide anything away.”

He tips forward slowly until his head rests on my chest. I hold him there, just like he’d done for me so many years ago. I tell him the type of thing that meant everything to me back then and I hope it helps him to hear it: “We’ll get through this Harry.”

***

“I don’t remember getting here.”

I look up from my book, Harry stands in my kitchen with a confused look on his face. It was weird seeing him here in my flat. But it was so right too.

“We walked home. I thought you sobered up.”

“Nuh-uh.” He takes a few steps towards me, hesitant.

“Coffee?”

“Maybe I’ll take a shower first?”

“First door on your right. Extra towels in the cupboard.”

“Thanks.”

We look at one another for a beat before he moves back. I make another pot of coffee and clean up from breakfast while he showers.

Next time he walks back in he looks a lot better. Smells nice too.

“Black please.” He says when I hold the coffee up.

I pour him a cup and watch him sip it.

“Thank you for last night.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” I tell him.

“I remember what you said to me. You’re right of course. I think I knew it, I just didn’t have anyone to talk to about it with. Nobody knew about us…”

“You didn’t have to keep it a secret ‘til this day Harry.” I was surprised he had. “You didn’t even tell any of your friends?”

“The only people who knew were my family, a-and Shan. But. Year after year it didn’t mean the same thing to her. I stopped talking to her about it pretty quickly. Think it made it worse because her and I couldn’t actually…”

“Yeah.” I understood.

“But I realized. I think it was losing both of you. I feel like you were taken away too. We just went from being around each other all the time to cold turkey. That was a loss too so…”

“Yeah.” Again, I understood.

“I’m 35. I’ve gotta…get my head on straight.”

I examine him. “Looks okay to me?”

He smiles and puts his cup down.

“I’m sorry to hear about your divorce.”

“Meh that was years ago. Hard then. Fine now. For the best.”

“I agree,” Harry moves around the table to stand where I am. My heart pulses just like it always does around him. He rests a hand on my hip, dragging it up to wrap around my waist. He must feel how hard my heart’s beating. “Did I tell you? That I love you?”

“Maybe?” I feel myself growing more present. The hole that always lived inside of me growing even smaller in this moment. It allows me to settle on the floor better; less air, more weight.

“Well I do. I love you. At 17, or at 35.” He says this with a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth.

“Well. I love you.” I return the kiss, relish in the way his hand grips my tank. “At 17, or 35.”

“Sometimes I wish I held on tighter at 17. But I look at you now and I’m excited to get to know you again.”

His words pour over me like honey. It was sweet we were still on the same page.

“I’m not letting you go this time.” Harry whispers in my ear. He pulls me in tight, swaying from side to side. “I want to spend 41 and 50 with you. I want all of you, every side.”

“Perfect,” I peer up at him. “That’s exactly what I want too.”

“And maybe one day,” he continues in a hush voice. “We’ll get a call from a young girl. She’ll tell us all about her life in a town up north. About a picture she has of her mother dressed like her father and her father dressed like her mother.”

“She’ll tell us she’s had a good life, and she’s thought about the people in the picture. She’d tell us she wants to meet them.”

“We would be able to show her the love we kept for her. Our love’s like a venn diagram, the bit in the middle is just for her. She’d know why she was born in the first place.”

“Closure,” I whisper to him. “We would know closure.”

I remember the day she was taken, how the loss of not even being able to see her felt bigger than the loss of her itself back then.

I think of a 17 year old girl, with green eyes and brown hair. With my smile and Harry’s dimples. My hands, and Harry’s height. She was loved by people, families, that she didn’t even know existed yet.

They say if you love something, let it go. If it’s meant to be it’ll come back.

As Harry and I stay intertwined in the kitchen of my flat, I send out a wish into the universe for her like I did most days. That she was healthy, happy, and one day curious enough to seek us out. That one day, she would come back.

Right now I focus on the man in my arms. The one I never thought I’d get to hold again. For now this was all I needed. I’d loved him, let him go, and after so many years apart, we were back.

[stars-and-the-min]

☆ the wrong way to hard launch (3) | OP81

summary : oscar's girlfriend is a walking pr problem for literally everyone (including herself) social media au

pairing : oscar piastri x zhou!fem!singer!oc

a/n some band dynamics and a mini reunion in toyko

masterlist | last part | part 3 | next part

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emptybottlesbar Hey! Our awesome lead guitarist turned 23 today AND it's on the first night in Jakarta 🫨 Be sure to give our boy some love! P.S. we couldn't find old birthday photos without Lina (1: Kas' 23rd birthday, 2: Kas' 17th birthday, 3: Kas' 14th birthday) tagged: emptybottles_official, lukaszhang and selinabui

selinabui i'm sorry i was like his only friend growing up?

28kaslina24 kaslina 🩷❤️🩷❤️

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emptybottles_official Snaps from Jakarta, you guys were an amazing crowd, we hope you had as much fun as we did 📸 📸 next stop: Tokyo, Japan

cameliazzz kas and aid both need haircuts why did i not notice this ↳ selinabui @ cameliazzz maybe bc ur behind them all the time

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lila💚 @kasdanrights · 2h in honour of the next stop of the 'twelve more days' tour being tokyo, here's the best thing to come out of the 'overtime' tour (before it got cancelled):

↳ lila💚 @kasdanrights · 2h look at kas serving in that polka-dotted scarf

↳ lila💚 @kasdanrights · 2h the greatest discovery was that kas and aid shared rooms the whole tour

↳ 🕯️manifesting EB3 🕯️@ linabelles · 2h did we ever find out about the sushi train thing? ↳ lina bui x2 grammy winner @urdaisea · 2h lina and cami went to an all-you-can-eat sushi train and almost missed night 2 because they were throwing up backstage ↳ li(n)a @meliabelrose · 1h why is this giving "pam and i feed off each others energy..." "she said that?" energy 😭😭 ↳ abby <3 @devilvows · 1h can't believe this was 4 years ago???

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oscarpiastri

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oscarpiastri Still not over this weekend

selinabui see you soon stranger 💖 ↳ pastry81 HUH LINA WDYM SEE YOU SOON???

zhouguanyu24 the last picture 👀

landonorris great to be home, eh?

emptybottlos papaya stuff, papaya stuff, papaya- lina??? ↳ piastri_lina @emptybottlos gagged us all WHERE'S THAT COMMENT THAT SAID OSC DIDN'T CARE FOR HER

logansargeant "I did great at my home race" "the fans were amazing" "also I got to watch my girlfriend's sold-out tour's opening show" ↳ oliviafufu @ logansargeant OPENING SHOW??? HE WENT ON THURSDAY AS WELL?

selinabui Tokyo, Japan

liked by eb_jonno and 118,972 others

selinabui in the daytime (and early evening)

oscarpiastri Well, that's a completely flattering angle of me, thanks :D ↳ selinabui @ oscarpiastri omg i think so too 🥰

jemma.wren lina as linabell oh she's so cute <3333

2cami4lina serious question here, does he wear anything other than orange? ↳ cameliazzz @2cami4lina from when i've seen him? no

aidan_ebass Who won billiards? ↳ selinabui @aidan_ebass ur kidding right? don't you know how amazing i am? (kas did) ↳ 28kaslina24 @ selinabui kas was there? oooh osc*lina never beating the pr relationship allegations 🤭

oscarpiastri just posted to their story

TWITTER

pookie piastri @op81ln4 · 17h OSCAR PIASTRI WHAT THE HELL??? ↳ pookie piastri @op81ln4 · 17h i need to know what he said pls what did he say for her to react like that ↳ june @linafesting · 17h "mr piastri why are you wilding rn" HAD HER USING PROPER 'YOU'S??? ↳ pookie piastri @op81ln4 · 17h "Wdym 😇" he's sick for that now we all want to know what he meant

kayla @luna_apocolypse · 2d if my math is right... we could get lina supporting oscar in suzuka ↳ kayla @luna_apocolypse · 2d last tokyo show: friday, april 5th suzuka gp: friday, april 5th to sunday, april 7th first sk show: friday, april 12th BONUS: osc's birthday is april 6th 🥸

conNUH @chickenbirch · 39m idk what world im living in anymore ↳ conNUH @chickenbirch · 38m lina pls... he's just another pasty white guy i--

↳ lina !!! @EB_selina · 18m oh shit im realising my 'im totes interested' face is lacking ↳ president linami @ linaminami · 16m AHHH??? ↳ lila💚 @kasdanrights · 1h HELP i didn't realise she was totally blanking out as kas was yapping ↳ june @linafesting · 1h she truly looks like she'd rather be anywhere else ↳ camilina gfs fr @ drummergf · 2h kaslina stans realising the new kaslina content is this 🤡 ↳ lila💚 @kasdanrights · 1h first pic is the exact same way i look at my brother (sheer 'stfu' energy)

BONUS : the unedited insta dm

✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:

taglist @ririyulife @ashy-kit @fionaschicken @namgification

[leejungchans]

svt as the types of people you meet in college? it can be totally up to your interpretation of them hehe and they don't have to fit into certain college stereotypes!!!

OH i love this!!!!!! (based on my own experiences mixed with some cliches/aus/imaginings 🫶🏻) sorry this took a while to get to btw 🥲

seungcheol: the senior who manned one of the booths at your freshman orientation. did you join his club bc he was ridiculously attractive and made small talk with you? no comment. you follow each other on instagram but that’s probably about it <//3 definitely a campus crush that feels very unattainable but it doesn’t stop you from imagining what he’d be like as your a boyfriend

jeonghan: you walked past him once, and pretended you heard someone behind you calling your name just so you had an excuse to do a double-take. people this pretty existed?? and at your college/uni?? you told all your friends about him and after some snooping you managed to find his instagram. please just send that follower request, you have nothing to lose <3

joshua: i can totally see him being a student advisor omg!! so so so sweet, actually checks in on you often and is genuinely interested in knowing how things are going for you :’) does his best to give good advice, but as you became closer friends you became more familiar with his sense of humour and his advice got increasingly……interesting 😭 “your prof said what? next time trip him in the hallway!” “joshua nO” don’t do that

jun: sat in front of you in one of your courses last year, fell asleep during the lecture almost every single week. his friends gave up on keeping him awake halfway through the semester. you became friends after being randomly assigned to the same group for project and now you’re the friend who has to keep him awake during classes. he’s so cool though, and very witty and funny <3

soonyoung: even if you don’t know him personally, you always run into him on campus. grabbing a coffee at the cafe, goofing off with his friends in the quad, dozing off in the library…he’s friendly with everyone, even the grumpiest professors. you want to be his friend so bad, he just seems so fun to be around. also the only person you know who wears tiger print but he pulls it off!!

wonwoo: you have a class with him and he always sits in the back. so quiet and shy, barely talks to anyone but he’s really cute so you noticed him regardless. you got paired up for a discussion and found out how smart and well-spoken he was, and you guess he vibed with you too bc since then he started saving you a seat :’)) occasionally plays games on his laptop when the lecture gets boring, and angles the screen more towards you so you can watch <3

jihoon: a friend of a friend. you’ve never met but jun tells you so much about him, so it almost feels like you know him too. you follow him on instagram and occasionally he’ll post covers of him singing while playing the guitar. you offhandedly mentioned to jun that his voice is so pretty and soothing and much to your embarrassment he tells jihoon 😭 but it’s okay bc he’s setting up a hangout to officially introduce you both to each other!!

seokmin: the friend we wish we all had. you met on your very first day of college/uni when you had the same class. he initiated convo with you and was so sweet and friendly even though you could tell he was extremely nervous himself, protect him omg 💔 one of your closest friends to this day even if you don’t have the same majors. you enrol in random electives together and those lectures are always your favourite bc you sit in the back and goof off, just try not to get shushed too much <33

mingyu: spilled coffee on your shoes at the starbucks on campus 🙁 it’s not his fault it was really crowded and someone bumped into him causing him to bump into you!! also, he looked very guilty about it so you couldn’t find it in you to be mad. he pays for your coffee as an apology. he recognises you when you stand behind him in line two weeks later and jokes that he won’t spill anything on you this time. you became friends and now you understand why his close friends (affectionately) bully him so much bc he’s just a puppy trapped in a 6ft man’s body 🤧

minghao: literally the main character. he doesn’t walk, he struts and it works for him. so effortlessly cool and attractive. a huge motivating factor for showing up to that class is getting to see what his outfit for that day is. one time you mustered up the courage to compliment his shirt, and your heart swelled at how his face lit up immediately :’)

seungkwan: if you hear the sound of ice being shaken around in a plastic cup mid-lecture, 9 times out of 10 that’s him. he’s an iced coffee girlie he’s just like me. you became friends after he sincerely complimented you on how well you did in your midterm presentation 🤧 the sweetest most caring person ever, but he shows his affection by (playfully) judging you while sipping his iced americanos <3

vernon: took the seat across from you in the library one day while you were cramming for a test. has the coolest stickers on his headphones. you aren’t sure if he actually got any work done bc he seemed really into the music he was listening to. you accidentally made eye contact and he gave you a dorky little smile <3 you exchanged contacts the second time you happened upon each other at that very same table and he showed you a pic of his cat hehe

chan: this is sooooo self-indulgent bc i’ve had these thoughts for the longest time……he’s such a loser (affectionate) omg………..he sat next to you for a quiz and realised he didn’t have a pen 😭 blushed so hard when you offered to lend him a spare one before profusely thanking you. forgets to return it………..you thought you lost that pen for good but when he walked into class the next week, his eyes desperately searched the room looking for you, and with an sheepish smile he returned your pen along with a candy bar as an apology for forgetting…….he’s so cute i hate him so much🧎🏻‍♀️

a/n: many feelings about college bf!wonwoo and chan…….

[shayennelovesbooks]

An excerpt from “Iron Flame” “A third of you will be dead by next July. If you want to wear rider black, then you earn it!” Dain shouts, his voice rising with each word. “You earn it every single day!” Cath digs his red claws into the masonry and leans over Dain’s head, swinging his swordtail behind him in a serpentine motion as he blows a hot breath of steam over the crowd that sours my stomach. Dain really needs to check Cath’s teeth, because there has to be a bone stuck in there decaying or something. Cries sound in the courtyard, and a first-year to the right — Tail Section — breaks out of formation and sprints back toward the parapet, racing through the aisles between cadets. No, no, no. “We have a runner,” Ridoc mutters. “Shit.” I cringe, my heart sinking as two others from Third Wing decide to follow his example, their arms pumping wildly as they make a break for it from First Squad of their Tail Section. This isn’t going to end well. “Looks contagious,” Quinn adds as they race by. “Fuck, they actually think they’ll make it.” Imogen sighs, her shoulders drooping. The trio nearly collides directly behind the center of our wing — our section — then bolts toward the opening in the courtyard wall where the parapet lies. “Eyes on Solas!” Tairn shouts. I look forward again, watching Solas narrow his one eye to a slit and swivel his head as he draws a full, rumbling breath. Lead fills my chest as I glance back over my shoulder and glimpse the runners nearing the parapet. The dragons didn’t let them get that far last year. He’s toying with them, and at this angle... Oh shit. Solas extends his neck, tilts his head horrifyingly low, and curls his tongue, fire churning up his throat — “Get down!” I shout, lunging for Sloane and tackling her to the ground as fire blasts overhead, the flames so close that heat singes every patch of exposed skin on my body. To Sloane’s credit, she doesn’t cry out as I cover as much of her body as I can, curling over her, but the soul-rending screams behind us are unmistakable. I open my eyes long enough to see Aaric laying flat over the redhead under the endless stream of fire. Tairn’s roar fills my head as lava licks along my arched back. A scream musters at the base of my throat, but I can’t breathe in this inferno, let alone give it voice. As quickly as it struck, the heat dissipates, and I fill my lungs with precious oxygen, gasping for breath before shoving off the gravel to my feet. I turn to face the aftermath as the other second- and third-years around me rise. Those at the back of our section who acted when I shouted are alive Those who didn’t, aren’t. Solas took out the runners, one of our first-years, and at least half of Third Squad. Chaos erupts.

IRON FLAME EXCERPT

I'm so excited omg

[gaycragula]

Wait omg can you write trans!male reader x cassidy smut, apologies i dont have any specifics theres just not a lot of that love ur writing

Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy

Pairing: Cole Cassidy x Trans!Male Reader Warning(s): NSFW/18+ content under the cut

Warning(s): Bottom reader, face sitting/face riding, eating out, vaginal sex, vaginal terms such as clit, pussy, etc are used throughout, not beta read. never beta read Word Count: 2197 Masterlist AO3 Link i know the title is basic. im awful with coming up with titles </3. also suprise !!! im not dead. sorry for disappearing again. it will happen again

Cassidy tensed as you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, relaxing when you’d muttered his name against him. The bar you’d gone out to was getting crowded and you were starting to get uncomfortable at some of the looks people had been giving you. One too many drinks and self-control goes out the window with some people. 

“Somethin’ up, darlin’?” Cassidy asks. You shake your head, nudging your nose into his neck for a moment.

“Jus’ wanted to come see you a moment,” you answer as you eye his glass of whiskey. “And steal your drink,” you add, snatching his glass before he could push it out of your reach. 

Cassidy scowls as you hand him the empty glass. You offer him a smile before taking his hat off his head. He reaches to take it back from you, missing as you step away from him and place the accessory on your head. “I’ll meet you outside in an hour, cowboy,” you tease, patting his arm as you step back into the crowd.

True to your word, you were outside in an hour. You leaned against the wall of the bar, a cigar in your mouth as you chatted with another bar patron. His hat remained perched on your head and Cassidy couldn’t think of a time you’d looked any hotter than you did then.

Smoke billowed from your mouth as you spoke. The top buttons of your button up had been popped open, exposing your chest- including a lovely set of hickeys Cassidy had given you a couple nights prior- to the cool evening air. The hat, his hat, was angled down, obstructing the top half of your face. 

Cassidy watched you rummage through your pockets before you pulled out the pack of matches you keep on you. He always found it amusing that you lit your cigars with matches. You handed the pack to the patron who lit up a cigarette. He decided to walk up to you then, leaning against the wall next to you.

At this proximity, he could see your eyes had been trained on him, a mischievous look in your eyes as you stood up straight. “Need something, cowboy?” You ask, offering him your cigar.

“You with that guy?” The patron asks and Cassidy can’t hold back his smile as you roll your eyes. He takes your cigar with a curt nod as you turn to answer the person.

“Sure am,” you answer, taking your matches back when offered. You can’t make out what the person says after before they’re walking off to bother someone else. “Fucker wouldn’t leave me alone,” you mutter, taking your cigar back before putting it out. 

“So you weren’t talkin’ to ‘em to make me jealous?” Cassidy teases. You scoff and grab the collar of his shirt to pull him closer to you.

“I would never,” you grin, ghosting your lips over his. He can smell the remnants of your cigar on your breath and he knows you can practically taste the whiskey he’d been drinking. “You want me to?”

It was Cassidy’s turn to scoff, pressing his lips against yours. His hands find your waist and he’s pushing you back into the wall behind you as he trades a few kisses with you. “Home?” He asks as he pulls back.

“Unless you wanna bang in a motel, yeah.”

–

The moment the door closed behind you, Cassidy was on you. His hands finished unbuttoning your shirt and pushing it off of your torso kicking. It hits the ground and he kicks it away for later cleanup. You push your chest into his hands as he traces the scars just under your pecs. He always does when he gets your shirt off. 

He hums affectionately and he leans in to kiss you again, tilting his head so he doesn’t bump his forehead against his hat that you’re still wearing. Thumbs brush over your nipples and you groan into his mouth.

Tongues meet and saliva is swapped and before long things have moved into the bedroom and you’re both naked. You straddle Cassidy’s hips, your thighs on either side of his hips.

You run a hand down your body, stopping at your naval as you look down at him. He can’t get over the dark look in your eyes, a stark contrast to your sickly sweet smile you’re giving him.

“Want a taste?” 

“Course I do, darlin’.” Cassidy nods eagerly, his hands already reaching for your thighs as you move up to hover just above his face. He urges you down, wasting no time in getting his tongue sliding through your folds, his lips around your engorged clit. 

Fingernails dig into your thighs and you know they’re going to leave marks by the time he’s done. The contrast between his real arm and metal one just adds to the sensation of his lips on your pussy.

You roll your hips against his face, biting your lip to muffle the moan that bubbles in your throat. He eats you out like a man starved, lapping up anything and everything you give him. It sends jolts of pleasure straight up your spine.

Hand grip your ass, kneading the flesh there. His beard scratches against your inner thighs and it causes you to squeeze them together just a bit tighter. Cassidy groans under you, squeezing your ass tighter while his tongue flicks against the sensitive head of your clit.

One of your hands finds purchase in Cassidy’s hair, pulling his face impossibly closer to your pussy as you grind against his mouth. “Fuck Cassidy, you know how to eat a man out,” you groan out in praise. 

Cassidy groans in response. You can hear his hips jerk against the bed and you can just tell he’s desperate for stimulation. You glance down at him and find him already looking up at you, eyes lidded and nose flared. It makes your heart skip a beat and you can feel your cheeks heat up.

He chuckles against your pussy, the vibrations against your clit making you tense up and forcing a moan out of your mouth. Cassidy’s tongue pushes against your hole and you tense as it pushes into you. “Cole!” You hiss as you tug on his hair.

He groans but his tongue returns to licking through your folds and circling your clit. The familiar coil of your orgasm tightens in your abdomen and a well timed suck to your cocklet sends you over the edge before you can even warn Cassidy. Your pussy spasms and you can hear the lewd sounds of him slurping up as much as he can. Greedy little thing he was.

The aftermath of your orgasmic high has you twitching on top of him in a blissed haze before Cassidy moves you off of his face. He lays you on your back next to him, crawling over you to kiss you as he reaches for the bedside table where you keep the lube.

You can taste yourself on his lips. You still haven’t figured out if you like it or not. 

You vaguely register the sound of the cap to the lube opening and then there’s slicked fingers pressing against your entrance. The soft moan you produce is swallowed by his mouth as he pushes a single finger into you.

The kiss breaks as you let your head fall back against the pillow at the feeling. His fingers were nice and beefy- a stretch in of themselves but, they were a pleasant stretch. Cassidy begins to pump the finger in and out slowly, earning soft gasps from you in return. 

He always takes his time stretching you open. A fact that you both love and hate at the same time. You love that he takes such good care of you. You hate the fact that sometimes you just want his cock in you as soon as humanly possible and he always insists on doing it properly.

A second finger joins the first, followed by a third that has you writhing under him. “Fuck, Cassidy, just- just give it to me already!” You groan in complaint. 

“Impatient today, ain'tcha?” He teases in response, his lips teasing over yours while a fourth finger teases against your pussy. That fourth finger breaches and you curse Cassidy for teasing you further. The bastard.

It drives you wild, being so filled yet it still doesn’t feel like enough. “Cassidy, please,” you plead, voice cracking in desperation. “Just give me your cock already.”

It honestly looks like he’s going to continue teasing you, fucking you with his fingers. But it seems luck is on your side today and he finally removes his fingers.

You whine on instinct at the loss before you’re watching Cassidy roll a condom on. You shift into a more comfortable position, your head nice and comfy on the pillows and your thighs draped over both of Cassidy’s as you watch him apply lube to his dick. In the meantime, you run a couple fingers over the short length of your clit to keep yourself stimulated.

He lines up with your hole, the head of his cock presses against you as he grabs your wrist and pins it up next to your head. “Enough of that, pretty boy,” he rumbles, leaning down to capture your lips in another kiss.

Your pussy pushes back against Cassidy as he tries to push in. “Cmon, hun, you gotta relax f’me,” he mumbles against your lips. 

You grumble in response- something about this is what he gets for teasing you. You feel him huff against your lips before his lips are trailing across your cheek to your jaw and then down your neck. 

Cassidy nuzzles against your neck, his beard scratching pleasantly against your skin. A hum leaves your lips and your body slowly relaxes enough so Cassidy can press the head of his cock in. You immediately tense back up with the intrusion.

He was a monster down there, which was probably why he insisted on so much prep beforehand. Your wrist is finally free when Cassidy moves both his hands to rub over your thighs to help you relax. 

It does the trick wonderfully. He sinks in inch by inch, pausing when you tense up to let you adjust until his hips are flush against yours. You both let out sighs of relief and share another kiss.

For a moment, you’re both still, simply trading quick, open mouthed kisses. He’s the one that gets impatient this time. “Cmon, darlin’..” he murmurs against your lips, his eagerness to start moving evident in the way his hands clench your thighs.

“Slow,” you respond. It was all he needed. 

He pulls out slowly until just the head was left in and then, just as slowly, pushes back in. He’s rewarded with a moan from you.

It does start out slow, both of you moving in tandem as you just appreciate the closeness you have with the other. His balls press against your ass with every push in and there’s a quiet wet slurp as he moves.

But, desire calls. “Faster,” you say through a quiet moan. And Cassidy was happy to oblige.

He hooks a hand under one of your knees and pushes it up to your chest as he fucks into you. “Your pussy takes t’my cock well, doesn’t it, pretty boy?” He chuckles, looking down at the point where the two of you meet.

You moan in response, not trusting your voice to not break in the middle of your sentence. The sounds of his balls slapping against your ass and the quick slide of his cock into you fills the room alongside the combination of yours and Cassidy’s moans and groans.

Cassidy was never shy about his noises. Hell, he’d moan in your ear if you were in a position to do so. You’d even argue to say the guy was louder than you. Not that you were complaining. He sounded fucking wonderful.

Your back arches and your eyes roll into your head as he hits the spot that has you seeing stars. “Cole!” You gasp. He can feel you flutter around him and that, and with how you said his name, has his balls tightening. 

His free hand finds your cocklet and he starts jerking off the short length in time with his thrusts. It has your hips twitching and your toes curling as your second orgasm of the night rolls over you. 

You can feel Cassidy’s cock twitch inside of you as he pushes his hips flush against yours and fills the condom with his own release. A lovely groan leaves his lips as he does so. 

A few moments go by that consist of both of you panting before Cassidy finally pulls out, leaving you cold and empty. He lets your leg back down and removes and pitches the condom. Then his lips are on your again, a nice, tender kiss that both of you can enjoy in your post-coital bliss.

“Love you, darlin’,” Cassidy says against your lips.

“Love you too, cowboy,” you respond with a small, tired smile. 

“Bath?”

“You know better than to ask. Of course.”

[wannaeatramyeon]

omg hi i haven’t requested in a while and I JUST THOUGHT ABT A FLUFF!!!! samuel as a sunshine kpop idol’s bodyguard (yk how he’s rlly cold and quiet but he just melts whenever he’s with them)

Hey anon! Soooo sorry about the delay (and also to everyone else who is asking). Samuel is still pretty cold and quiet here but he is so so soft for you/reader!

Samuel Seo x Idol!Reader: Bodyguard

A couple fluffy scenes

Samuel wonders how you can be so cute, even doing something as mundane as talking to a fan.

Your expression is genuinely soft and sincere as they pour out their appreciation for you. Samuel snaps a picture of the two of you, before sending them on their merry way.

Throughout the exchange, you had noticed Samuel staring, "What are you so happy about?"

"I'm not," Finally, he looks away.

"Then why are you smiling?"

Samuel schools his face. He is not smiling. You are not making him smile, damnit.

.

.

Your stomach rumbles yet again.

You're stuck on this godforsaken shoot, sitting aimlessly for hours while some other starlet throws a tantrum. You're bored, hungry and cold. Can this day get any worse-

"This is for you,"

Just as you're on the verge of throwing your own tantrum, Samuel thrusts a steaming bowl of soup under your nose.

"Sammy!" you jump to hug him as he struggles to not spill a drop, "You're the best!"

"...Don't call me Sammy."

.

.

Another day, another interview.

After being stuck in a stuffy conference room all day, you're finally rewarded with your freedom. Shame now the heavens have opened. You wait under the building awning, sighing to yourself.

"Here,"

Samuel angles his umbrella over you as a side of him starts getting drenched.

"God, Sammy," you hold on to his arm, snuggling up next to him, "I think I'm in love~"

He knows that you're likely joking, but his cheeks still flush crimson.

.

.

"Can we please just detour to get some ice cream?"

"No, you have an early start tomorrow."

Damn him! Samuel can be so stupidly strict sometimes. Yeah it's for your own good but you've had this craving for days now. Ugh. You stomp off ahead.

Someone jumps out at you from the shadows-

"OH MY GOD Y/N! Can I please get your autograph?"

Ah, just another overexcited fan. You plaster on your best sunny smile and take the profferred pad and pen, "Sure!"

You hand it back, goodbyes on the tip of your tongue - when he lunges and grabs hold of you, twisting your wrist painfully.

"Please let me show you my shrine!"

Shrine?? "No!"

"Come on!"

"Get off me!" You struggle to release yourself from his hold.

"Please, it won't take a second-"

In the blink of an eye, the guy is lying in a heap on the floor. Samuel looks at him in disgust, fiddling with the brass knuckle now adorning his hand.

The disgust melts away immediately to concern once he sees the distress on your face.

"Y/N, lets get you that ice cream."

.

.

You put on your most flattering poses for the paparazzi and fans, Samuel trailing close behind on the red carpet.

"Y/N! Y/N! Who's that handsome man next to you!" a voice in the rabble shouts.

"Oh, Samuel? That's my bodyguard!" You signal for Samuel to join you, which he does with an annoyed huff, "...And my boyfriend!"

You turn to grin at Samuel. His face wears his usual nonchalance, but you notice how his eyes have widened slightly in shock.

He leans in close. To the cameras it looks like a kiss on the cheek, and the crowd swoons accordingly, instead he murmurs, "Boyfriend, huh?"

"I know you're sweet on me. Don't lie, Sammy," you whisper back.

"Hmph," is all the response you get.

But you notice the hint of a smile as he threads his fingers through yours.

[ughgoaway]

also omg?¿ you've probably seen the clips of matty completely breaking character upon seeing gabbriette in the front row (😭😭) like stop i literally cannot take how cute they are but....... its giving spotting teacher reader in the crowd and the way he just m e l t s entirely (the band teasing him after and even annie jumping in oh bye!!)

(he can't help but keep looking your way and the way he absolutely can't stop his smile from growing oh its so bad i fear...)

- (bff anon also needs to learn to stfu)

(THIS IS SO LATE I APOLOGISE BESTIE)

(its also not proofread so apologies for that too)

omg yes I literally must've watched those clips about 20 times over, every new angle that pops up I am LOOKING.

okay, okay, I'm imagining this is after you're already together and have been for a little bit. Obviously, you can't go on tour with him because you do have a job, and matty is MOPEY.

like he just won't stop waiting by the phone for you to text him. Anytime anyone's phone goes off, matty is jumping to his phone to check if it's you. Time difference makes it difficult, but you facetime and text as much as humanly possible.

even just little updates throughout the day, "the staff room had run out of tea bags. call the police." or "I know I shouldn't say this about a student, but ohmygod, timmy o'donnel might be the dumbest kid I've ever worked with. he'd 6, and he STILL spells his name with just one m. HOW!??!?"

sometimes, matty can't respond straight away (much to his disappointment), but when he gets back from sound check to see a text from you? my man is SWOONING. the boys all make fun of him for how giddy he gets, "dude you're like a teenage girl in a movie kicking her legs in bed and twirling the chord around her finger" "shut up"

It's not term time (do other countries call it that? like school time?? idk), so Annie is with Matty, but you're still in work on staff training days. the most boring days according to you

"I mean kids are hard work, but so is having to sit in a room with Mr. Smith for 5 hours as he tries to flirt with me" (needless to say, Matty is NOT a fan of Mr. Smith after this comment, but you assure him that no one could ever get you away from him, and you then tease him about the pink dusting on his cheeks when he hears that)

so one day, when Matty doesn't get a good morning text from you, his heart breaks a little, but he figured you had just woken up late and forgotten. but then lunch rolls around, and usually you Facetime and chat while you're on break, but still, radio silence.

he's worried, are you mad at him? Did he say something wrong? he messages asking if you're okay, but 5 minutes before he's due on stage, there's still no response. To say he's sad is an understatement. Everyone knows to give him a little space today because he is out of sorts.

but also, they know you're coming. you managed to convince your boss that you're sick (think mean girls "*cough cough" I'm sick") and sneak away to come to the Paris show. You had told the boys your plan, expecting some pushback or judgment. But, you got a unanimous "thank god" message because if they had to deal with matty missing you for one more day, they'd fly you out themselves.

you meet Mark outside, and he gets you in and has a spot at the front of the pit waiting for you. you are buzzing to see Matty, and you can't wait until he notices you in the crowd. You're wearing merch that you stole from his drawer, so you're hoping that will catch his eye.

matty gets on stage and distracts himself from thinking of you the whole show. The crowd is crazy tonight, and it's giving him the energy he needs. you're on Ross' side, and he clocks you immediately, waiting until Matty isn't looking when he waves at you sneakily.

the girls around you scream and swoon because who wouldn't when Ross waves at them? you giggle and wave back, but your eyes are immediately drawn back to Matty.

ever since that first concert, your eyes have been drawn to Matty, and seeing them live means so much more to you after that show. seeing it just brings you back to the night of your first kiss (working on this fic btw) and you feel giddy at the sight of him all smiley and dancey.

the good crowd and the sight of annie dancing around at the side of the stage keep matty pretty distracted, so for a good few songs, he doesn't notice you. but when he finally does? it's obviously to everyone in that room that he is looking at something he loves.

he is doing his usual stage antics but stops on the spot and does a double take when he sees you. you can hear the smile in his voice as he sings, but considering how wide it is on his face, you've sure the entire venue could see it anyway.

he finishes the song, doing his best to connect with the whole crowd, but he can not stop his eyes from drifting over to you. by the end of the song, he mouths to you, "I love you," whilst laughing in disbelief, and you just giggle and teasingly wave at him.

now does he call it out on stage??? perhaps... I think if he does he doesn't point you out or say your name he simply says, "I've just spotted by girlfriend in the audience, she's totally surprised me by being here so if the rest of the show is shit- you all know why"

I like to think the fans know matty has a gf but nothing else, no name or what you look like. because you're a non celeb, and he doesn't want you to have to deal with everything he does, and you don't mind either. any way you can stay out of the daily mail you're happy with

the show finishes, and it's not shit like matty said it's amazing as always. you get ushered off just before it ends to stand side stage waiting for matty.

you greet Annie when you get up there though, she's ecstatic to see you and asks whether you're staying, and you tell her you're there for the whole weekend and she shrieks and hugs you again and again. before the boys come off stage, someone comes and grabs Annie to wait in the green room. It's what's safest when there's so much commotion and movement.

she wanders off just as the boys come off stage, and you are immediately engulfed with just matty.

he hugs you, initially holding you tight and burrowing his face into your neck. He smells vaguely of sweat, wine, and cigs but somehow still smelt good.

he pulls back and hold you face between his hands, staring at you and flicking his eyes all over your face as if to confirm it's really you.

Once they hit your lips, he seems to remember he hasn't kissed you yet, so without a second thought, he pulls you in for a passionate kiss. you immediately moan at the contact, and matty uses the opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth. your hands rake through his sweaty curls.

a wolf whistle from Ross breaks you apart, and you immediately go red and hide in mattys shoulder, he's of course, unashamed and simply throws Ross a wink, which makes everyone around you burst out laughing.

about an hour later, you're all sat in the green room, and the teasing begins;

"mate you should've seen your face I thought you were about to faint"

"I don't think I've seen your eyes go that wide since Sarah Marshall flashed you her tits at your 18th" (George covers Annie's ears as he shares this anecdote, much to her annoyance)

"I'm surprised you remembered the lyrics after that. You forget them at the best of times"

"OKAY, OKAY, let's all calm down, enough of the teasing, please," matty begs

"You did look very funny though daddy" annie says with a giggle fiddling with ross' hair as she sits in his lap.

everyone laughed at Annie's comment and she lit right up, matty however groaned and burrowed his head into your chest, you teasingly said "there there, it's so hard being a simp I know baby" whilst petting his head.

the laughter continues, and he pulls back with a gasp, open-mouthed at your cheeky comment. but he soon settles back on the sofa and pulls you into his side, and before long, Annie comes running over and burrows herself in between the two of you.

both you and annie fall asleep on the sofa, and matty sneaks a picture before he wakes you up to go to the hotel.

it's his background for the next 6 months.

(also bff, never stfu I literally love you)

blurb masterlist here :)

[emjiroki]

OMG I KEEP PRESSING THE UNFOLLOW BUTTON BY ACCIDENT I PROMISE MY HANDS HATE ME!! Anyway *cough* about asks in the inbox.. im peeping the Sakura pfp so hard.. so what about Sakura playing with you while watching you both in a mirror?

Ive done that so many times!!! No worries!

HARUKA SAKURA MY LOVE 🩷 I've been needing to do a little something for him

You don't know what got into him. The moment you had gotten home Haruka was on you, his body bare as he crowded you back to the bedroom and stripped you of all your clothes.

"Haruka," you whined as he pulled you down into his lap at the end of the bed, "I just got back from the gym I need a shower".

"Nah, you don't," he insisted, his black and white brows furrowed as he pressed his face against the sweaty column of your throat, "smell so good like this."

You huffed a little as he shifted you around until your legs were in the crooks of his arms, the fingers of his right hand trailing down your stomach.

"Th-This is embarrassing," you groaned, a flush burning your cheeks as you looked at yourself in the mirror, Haruka's eyes almost predatory as he stared back into your reflection.

"So pretty" he murmured, the feeling of his slightly pointed canines against your skin sending a shiver running down your back. His fingers moved lower, spreading your lips apart so he could see your entrance before rubbing your clit in a soft tight circle.

"Barely touched you and you're already wet for me baby" he smirked, the combination of your submission and the smell of your sweaty skin making his cock hard between your legs.

You were panting and squirming in his lap by the time he dipped his finger down, the feeling of you leaking against his hand making him moan quietly through a bitten lip, a blush staining his cheeks as he stared at you through the mirror with lidded eyes. You could see everything from this angle. Hole wet and clinching around nothing as he teased you with the tips of his fingers on your clit the head of his cock bumping against your entrance without actually pushing in.

"What if I took you like this?" He whsipered against the shell of your ear, "overpowered and spread just for me".

Your answering moan brought a fresh smirk to his lips, your bucking hips making him nip his teeth against your jawline.

"Don't worry bunny," he teased, "I don't plan on letting you go anytime soon"

I want to be his bunny baby I'm so down bad

[argumentl]

14th/15th December - Dir en grey at Namba Hatch report (mainly Kaoru angle) 

I'm sure most of the content is similar for the rest of the tour too, but I only attended Osaka, so this is how it was... 

I had regular standing tickets, but for day 1 my number was not too bad, and I had a good spot on the shimote side (of course). The show started on both nights with a big opaque screen hanging down from the ceiling, covering the stage. Projected onto the screen began some footage. 'The Book of Phalaris' opens and reveals inside many demonic religious scenes × evil brazen bull images. The band appear behind the screen and start playing Otogi while the footage continues. I more-or-less lost concentration on the footage at this point, as I was more interested in what was happening behind the screen! 

About half way through the song, spot lights were shone from behind the members, projecting their silhouettes very large onto to screen. This was actually one of my fave moments on both nights....the giant silhouette of Kaoru playing his guitar with swagger...gosh, it was just too cool! 

As for Kaoru, on day 1 he was wearing his white shirt with billowing sleeves, with his black waistcoat, and on day 2 he was wearing his black dress. The silhouette of both just looked unbelievably cool! 

The screen dropped as Otogi finished, and the show continued as normal after that, but later on the spotlights were used from behind again, this time revealing the silhouette of Kaoru's arms through his loose sleeves while he was playing his guitar....Aghh! 

Kaoru did a lot of standing up on the truss at the front of the stage on day 1, lots of pointing, staring down the audience (during the Inward Scream part in particular, Kaoru was stood up front burning holes through the crowd with his eyes!) 

He was really into the music as usual, I especially remember him looking super energetic during Rinkaku. Of course, all his guitar solos were emotional for me...Different Sense, omg! 

As well as the usual pick and towel throwing, Kaoru also threw pineapple candy into the audience at the end of day 1! I was really close to catching a pick and a candy this time, but not close enough! 

I was so exhausted after this live, I think I overdid it. 

Day 2 began the same as day 1 with Otogi, but Kaoru had on his black dress, buttoned up to the top. A few songs in, however, he undid the top few buttons about a third of the way down, oh lord! 

The crowd seemed a lot more energetic in general on day 2, but as I personally had gone all out on day 1, I was feeling the pain slightly. My ticket was also a lot higher, so I took a much more chilled approach. I still had a great view from the back surprisingy, so it was still wonderful. 

At one point, I think during the encore (?), liveclose ups of the members were shown on the back screen panel, with Kaoru roaring into the camera showing us straight into his mouth up close! 

For the encore, Kaoru changed into a black shirt with his waistcoat...and then for the double encore(!!) he was wearing the limited tshirt with all the zombified members (a rare winter glimps of his arm tattoos too!) 

After the first encore, the members left the stage, and it all went dark as the trailer for the Spring tour started to play on the panel screen. I love the excitement of the audience in times like this. Cheers and gasps rose as each date flashed on screen. 

The audience still wanted more though, and started chanting for an encore again. After a few mins the band came back on, this time with the venue fully lit, and played Increase Blue as one extra song. Kyo was obviously already in his go-home clothes (a really baggy, pink jacket, pants, hat set), and Toshiya had a great time stripping again to throw his shirt (which i think actually hit the ceiling, or at least the ceiling fixtures). 

It was here that Kaoru pretented to hit Shinya over the head slapstick style a few times as he left the stage...poor Shinya!

Apologies for not going into greater detail, especially about the other members! But its safe to say, they were all wonderful...and I can't wait for the Jan tour!

[reinedeslys-central]

tbh I keep seeing the takes of ppl (and ballister) about ambrosius thinking he would kill the queen but not play freestyle jazz - and it totally makes sense and all with all the context -

BUT. I just wanna point out.

the look of indecision and shock/surprise on his face every time he sees bal after the incident, and even during the incident? the split second where he considers the other knights about to turn on him for knowing his partner best and steps up to lead the search saying 'before anyone gets hurt'? like say all you will (and I agree), but that scene to me reads exactly like someone trying to get to their lover first and protect them and prove their innocence before others can convict them sans trial (looking at you wangxian) OR, also, the realisation that you have to play it safe because the community has found out your lover is queer and the pitchforks are high, but you've always been the golden child / carrying a legacy, and you make the instinctive decision to stay safe for a multitude of reasons (after all, you can't shelter them by losing your rep too, can you? or so you think. same thing in the 'prom' teen-movie btw which is a whole thing to unpack on another day but this same theme is there!).

the first time he looks like he's against bal is after the director proclaims him leader of the search - and compared to his expressions all before then, it feels so much like a mask (mask-esque. not fake, just.. if you get what I mean? I don't really have the words this is just a brain vomit anyway, insert long discussion abt masks and conflicting emotions here ig) and it cracks immediately when he sees him breaking out of jail with nimona in the hallway. and honestly I'm down to give him a little slack after that because, comedically, he totally walked in RIGHT after ballister talked about murdering everyone, and then our boi didn't even manage to blurt out that he was innocent they just got caught up angstily staring at each other. which. :)

even in all the scenes that come after - yeah, definitely can see the totally-thought-he-was-the-killer-ambrosius-why-are-you-like-this angle. and i agree. bad moves all around, dude. but! my man lowering his crossbow in the market? I don't know about you but that doesn't look like a someone who's only holding back because he loves the target. that's a guy that looks unsure about the process the whole way through the scene. (bit of a stretch I know) and the thing that ties it together is the conversation with the director in the car. when he talks about feeling unsure of his legacy? the moment with the crowd and autograph? feeling like a traitor to his personal beliefs and the institution he was raised for? the hope, trying to discreetly make it to the car? it's all there, man. he's isolated from the only person that thinks differently, still outwardly pretending he's 100% with the institute's actions and lashing out with the things that still make sense and overlap with both mindsets.

yeah, ambrosius definitely messed up (ex. 1: arm-chopping as a love language of brainwashing omg pure gold) but? every step makes sense. i'd cut anyone a bit of slack for the doubt and wanting to reconcile their life when everything's turned on its head, especially after hearing bf in question saying he wants to murder everyone ^v^

and also i just. this movie is SO COOL for somehow touching on so many themes so core to so many peoples' experiences. TT y'all please go watch it it's free on yt until feb 26 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4CFWTYFRlw

definitely going to read the comic as soon as I can - I know it's supposed to be way darker, more subtle, with an ambiguous ending but that's it, so excited to see the original spin on this story :))