#look at me leaving my usual realm of fanfic fun at midnight on a friday to get deep and personal

[snarkythewoecrow]

I’m not even sure why it feels relevant or important to say this, as I don’t really know if it even matters to anyone outside of maybe my own need just to put it out there, but I'm gonna tell you a little bit about me

So, I’m in my forties now and so that means when I was a kid growing up in the 80s and 90s, I didn’t have things that my own kids do now, not in the same way, meaning that there wasn’t the exposure and access to resources and information and representation for all things queer (no connection to the world at our fingertips)

Now, I got along okay, quietly exploring and experimenting with other girls a bit as a teen in my tiny town in the middle of nowhere, but being bisexual isn’t really the thing on my mind rn, more just a footnote

See, I had a strained relationship with my gender from so early on, yet I didn’t have any of the words to express this at the time, and it wasn’t until after trying my damnedest to be a woman, doing the shit that women were supposed to do, and then still having this sort of disconnect that I began to wonder what it was that didn’t fit within the puzzle—it became clear that the pieces I had might not all be from the same picture, after all, and it started me thinking

Spoiler alert, I’m still thinking, and it’s been years since that revelation, but that’s okay with me

Anyway, long story short, I was kid from a time without access to information and resources about gender and sexuality and all things queer or different--things that some want to silence and remove access to--and you know what? not being exposed to people from different walks of life, not having access to information and resources about what being trans is and could be, not having those discussions, and not having the words to describe and understand my own experiences as I had them, well, let's just say that not having all those things didn’t change my reality or help me in the least

Though, most importantly, it didn’t make me less trans, it just made me a depressed and confused little kid, instead, one that, looking back, needed a fucking hug and something or someone to turn to for information or validation

See, there was a moment that stands out now, when I was pretty young, maybe around ten or so, the discussion of breast cancer had become a big thing at the time, lots of media attention highlighting the subject, and there was this daring commercial they'd started airing

It had these women standing in a row, all topless and proud without breasts, a testament to survival, and you know, the only thing I can remember thinking at the time was, “oh, maybe that could happen to me,” except, it wasn’t said in fear, but rather hope along with a dash of confusion and guilt, cuz until that moment, I’d never thought something like removing your breasts possible

So, yeah, guess I’m saying that erasing the resources and sources of care and support, knowledge and representation--just cuz it makes you uncomfy--won’t stop those things and people you dislike from existing

Because we were always here, there aren’t suddenly more trans kids, pretty sure there are about the same amount as always, just back then, when I was growing up, we didn’t have the words to describe ourselves or a place to look for help, but that doesn't mean we weren't there