#look I tried eating breakfast and it didn't do shit to stop binging as I just ate the same amount of food anyway

[sirnica]

Not eating anything until like 4:30 pm.

Stuffing your face with half of your kitchen.

Going to bed at 8pm so you can't eat anything else.

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[necroticghost]

my experience with eating disorders as someone who recovered. maybe this could help someone understand what it can lead to.

[tw for eds + blood]

I grew up as a mid-large size kid, so comments about my weight and advice on how to change were the norm in my life. honestly, it didn't occur to me that I could actually do something about it until around 15 yo (I am 25 now, recovered for at least six years). I regret ever finding out that eating disorders are a thing. it was through a fanfic, and as the stupid kid I was back then I actually believed the romanticised content I read and that it would make others finally stop picking on me. it did not help that I met this friend who told me she also used to be my size, but that with her (detailed) tips on how to be disordered I could look like her too, and fast.

but as excited as I was to hear that my body finally looked appealing, I could barely exist anymore. and that's when I discovered that I could eat absolutely anything I could ever want (little did I know) if I made myself throw up immediately after. some calories already get absorbed into the body because there's an enzyme that breaks down glucose right through saliva lol, but I didn't know that either then.

shit went downhill from there. it started slowly, with only skipping dinner, to skipping breakfast as well, to saving all the money for lunch that I would've had at school, and soon enough I was only eating about two times a week. besides, I was exercising 2-3 hours every single day without rest. my body was in constant pain, I was extremely dizzy, couldn't focus on school or anything else really. one time I even dropped on the street when I was getting off the bus, no one helped me but that's not the point. in about a year I had gotten to the point where I was underweight, like it would hurt when I sat down, people would say they could feel my bones when they hugged me, I had no strength to get out of bed most days so exercising was impossible and yet I was still pushing myself at times. people started worrying, but I was also getting praised by everyone, saying how great I look and that I need to keep going so that I don't get fat again. they were encouraging me and saying "this is exactly how I like you!".

so I stated combining the two: not eat for a few days, then binge all day and respectively throw up all day. I'm not even going to mention the use of 5-6 laxatives at a time and they still wouldn't work, they'd only make me cry in pain. those cramps felt like hell.

I could only eat by myself, never in front of others. one day when I was left home alone I was really looking forward to having these cheese puffs with the security that I'll get rid of them from my body as soon as possible. but...

I tried, and tried and tried and tried. my face felt all hot, my head was pulsing, my throat got all painful from my nails and all the rubbing to just get that reflex already because I had lost it at that point. I was numb. I was numb to salt, to vinegar, to any disgusting thing, nothing really made me throw up anymore. so I was hanging my head above the toilet contracting my stomach and pressing down hard on it and had my fingers deep down my throat for like twenty minutes with no result.

after all, I did get something out of it.

a fuckton of blood.

it kept coming out of my nose and mouth, like it simply wouldn't stop. I ran out of the bathroom but I just fell to the floor on the hallway. my shirt was bloody, so were my hands, it even got on the carpet. I soaked so many tissues in blood until I finally found a bag that I could spit into, and by that time I had lost all energy and just laid on the floor unable to move except for lifting my head a bit to use the bag.

I don't know how long I laid there. an hour? two? I genuinely believed I was going to die. everything was numb, I could barely see or think, I couldn't move a finger. I have no idea how I came back to my senses in the end. I apparently filled that bag halfway, everything looked like a fucking murder scene, I'll never be able to forget the red everywhere. I tried my best in my state to clean up everything but my family wouldn't have noticed anyway lol since they didn't give a shit about me. so when they came home I just greeted them as usual and never spoke a word of it. I only told my mother like a year ago and she had no reaction really, she was just fake worried to appeal as a good mother.

I tried to take it slower after that. I still starved myself, I still forced myself to throw up, but less and less because that was pretty traumatising, as suicidal as I am. I'd like to do it on my own terms if that even makes any sense lol.

but over the years I started having a healthier relationship with food, bit by bit. I can kinda eat in public now even though sometimes I still get anxiety, I can talk about food without getting triggered. I gained quite a lot of weight but somehow I'm more confident now than back then. I can cook without thinking about calories anymore. it's relieving. I still can't go on diets in a healthy way though so I kinda avoid losing weight. I just try to eat intuitively and get some exercise in from time to time and walk a lot because I genuinely enjoy it. it's not the healthiest lifestyle but it's nowhere near as bad as back then. it took me years to leave those habits behind.

so to anyone struggling, please know that I does get better. I know how difficult it is to stop because it's literally addictive, but believe me, it is possible to recover and enjoy food again and like your body. so... please consider that this can happen and stay safe. recovery is possible, I promise you, and I only wish you the best.

[squadrah]

From My CuriousCat

"Could you do another daily routine thing, like you did with Prosciutto and Formaggio? Any character of your choice"

I chose Illuso for this one, so here's a typical day for him!

Sleeps in and gets up later than anyone else, which is fine because if you think his attitude is shitty on the regular, he's even worse when he has to be up early. Usually misses breakfast, but it's not a problem because he's one of the few team members who actually uses the kitchenette in their apartment (again I headcanon them as having an entire apartment block to themselves as their base and home), and tends to make himself breakfast from whatever he has stashed away in the cupboards.

Brushes teeth after breakfast and checks his appearance. Showers, and if necessary, he goes to town on his hair with a boar bristle brush. He only washes his hair on the weekends because it's a labor-intensive endeavor; at the same time, he always wants his hair to look well-kempt, and is one of those people who can get away with brushing until the time comes to wash.

Finally emerges downstairs, where he tries to socialize with dubious success. Will always join the others for lunch if it's at home - free food, usually zero effort on his part -, if not, he will head out and get something for himself. Treats himself on the way (read: shoplifts with Man In The Mirror), has lunch, then spends an hour or so in some transitional space like a rest stop or the airport, where nobody is likely to approach or pay any attention to him. Runs minor errands for himself only.

Eventually gets home, where he grabs some merenda and tries to socialize again. If it somehow works out, he internally pats himself on the back. If not, he goes back to his apartment and tries to do exercises to work off the frustration. Stops before he might actually work up a sweat like an animal, yuck. As if he'd ever need to break a sweat! (Is one of those people who can eat whatever they want and look amazing and everyone hates him for it.)

Psyches himself up to declutter according to Prosciutto's instructions, who knows about Illuso's hoarder tendencies, has been to his apartment, has promised to help him, and now assigns him a certain corner as his target every week (asking him to do it daily didn't work out). Declutters as much as he can. Mourns in silence as he tosses wrappers and junk into the complementary garbage bag provided for the task. Calls it a day when he gets too emotional.

Oh shit, it's dinner time. Goes downstairs to see what everybody's plans are, but tends to just eat leftovers at home. Depending on his mood, he'll drop a hint that he wants to socialize, at which point Formaggio takes pity on him and gathers enough people for party games after dinner.

Has enough of that after like an hour and tells everyone he's going to bed, but everyone knows he's binging soap operas into the dead of night because he's sometimes joined by fellow fans slash insomniacs.

[weightsandproteinshakess]

2.5.2022 JOurnal entry

I am not doing very well with my diet... I am so confused why my weight isn't going down.. Today I ate like shit, too much junk at work. I don't know how I let that happen. I have to get a grip. No candy, no junk, no sweets, no treats. Healthy, nourishing and whole foods. There's only a month until my vacation and I look like a fat blob. I have extra weight and cellulite everywhere. I feel so sick to my stomach that I ate so much today. 4 pieces of candy, 3 pieces of salmon pie, 4 handfuls of trailmix.. I can feel the urge to go to the store on my way home and buy some trash to eat while I drive home.

I would like to go to some exercise class today, but I don't think i have the time. And also I am so so tired, I slept like 5 hours last night and I know now that's why I am craving so much of this fast energy food. I want to get better at delaying the gratification. It feels much sweeter then.

I have missed him somehow very much this and last week. I don't understand why he keeps on running around my mind still as I haven't seen him in 4 months. How long it's going to take that he's not in my mind anymore? He has two month old daughter and he's happily in relationship, so I am sure that he's not thinking about me anymore. I am missing all the times we shared, but it's not really ever coming back. How do I stop thinking about him then?

I am supposed to write workthings but I am really not feeling it.

Today's food journal:

Breakfast: overnight protein oats 487

Lunch: salmon pie + 4 candies + 4 handfuls of nuts and fruits (900)

Dinner: Lasagna and beetroot cold salad (400)

total: 1787

Wow no wonder why I am not losing weight. My calorie goal was 1000 and I have overeaten it by 800 cals... And I am not even sure how much there was calories in the salmon pie. It was from the bakery, so propably a ton. I am so sleepy. How do I stay awake until home? I have to go buy another mascara. I tried this new one and it was absolutely horrible. It's just falling down and was supposed to be waterproof, but didn't last even my allergic fit in the morning. It was good thing that I counted those calories.... I have no intention to go to the store anymore to buy anything worth bingeing.

[helplesshoney]

Update - 03/18/2019

This weekend was a fucking mess!

On Friday, on the way out to camp I ended up semi-binging which was a shit way to start off the trip. Dinner was spaghetti, which is what my brother and his boyfriend threw up like a week ago when they got the flu, and also what my dinner was on Wednesday night when I was at my brothers house (leftovers), so they and I laughed about it and all ended up eating salad instead. I legitimately had a plate of lettuce with three croutons and a Gatorade zero. Which, honestly, was kind of iconic.

The next morning, Saturday, we were served hashbrowns and bacon. I took exclusively hashbrowns, a small ammount, at that, and had a green tea with them. My boyfriend arrived that morning, so I ended up running out to meet him. He was incredibly distant, but we still interracted for a bit. We were signed up for a journaling thing but I signed us up too late, so we got moved to the other event, which was yoga. I thought I'd be uncomfortable but everyone in the group was someone I ended up considering a friend by then or that I already knew, so I had a lot of fun and we all ended up looking stupid. After that, me and my boyfriend and a friend we'd made went snowshoeing with another big group. He spent a good chunk of the time talking to everyone else. We got back and he and I went seperate ways. I went and sat with my brothers boyfriend, eventually having two (thin) slices of ham and two pieces of cucumber for lunch and eating them with a fork. My boyfriend didn't eat, and had coffee for breakfast, and between that and what he'd been saying the few days before that, I thought his eating disorder was resurfacing, but I didn't say anything as I didnt want to start anything. After a bit, I got upset and left without telling anyone, hiding away in my cabin, and eating a whole cup of banana and strawberry marshmallows. I left the cabin and went into the bathroom, tried and failed to throw it up, before returning to the group, where I was met with a surprising ammount of affection from my boyfriend, as he'd worried about me. I had another green tea, and two panels happened before dinner. Dinner was burgers and shoestring fries, and me and my boyfriend went to get food at the sane time, as we agreed that I wpuld eat if he ate. I made a comment about looking for the smallest burger bun in the pile. He said they were all the same, I said they werent, and he told me I need to get out of this habit. I called him a hypocrite and we sat down as he explained to me that he had only been calorie counting for a day or two before stopping, and that he was fine, and then told me how worried he was about me, how disturbed he was by the glimpses he had into me and Jasons conversations. We talked for a bit before things seemed semi-resolved, and finished eating. Two firsts nations women came to do a panel afterwards, which very quickly shifted from natural medicine to them talking about drug and alchohol addictions, and verbal physical and sexual abuse. My brother left the mess hall crying, along with a couple other people, and his boyfriend, my boyfriend and I went to check on him. Once I saw him feeling better, I left him with his and my boyfriend, claiming to be going to grab something before spending 15 minutes sobbing alone in my cabin. I came back to the news that my boyfriend had ended up crying after I left, and having to get up and leave, partially so nobody would see and partially because he endec up throwing up. He, I, my brother and his boyfriend all went to my cabin, which my brothers boyfriend was also staying in, to relax. My brothers boyfriend ended up breaking down, and my boyfriend and I left to stand on rhe cabins porch, the comversation eventyally shifting to his mental health. We went back in soon enough, shortly before the cabins chaperone came to settle in, which ended up turning into ny boyfriend ranting about the pressure his parents put on him to persue a music career, and to not begin taking testosterone, when what he really wants is to he a voice actor, and transition. He was quite affectionate, mostly because I was a wreck, but he ended up having to leave after a while, and everyone went to bed.

The next say was the day we were all to leave. He seemed avoidant again, which was a really unpleasant thing to get to think about so early in the morning. We had breakfast, and I had a small ammount of hashbrowns again, and a green tea. I made a commemt to my friend Stephanie and her boyfriend about having exactly 10 triscuits for lunch, half-jokingly, and she ended up shutting down completely, which was a reminder to me again that I cant talk to people about ana. I cant breathe her name, I cant elude to her, I cant show signs. After breakfast we tidied up and left, my boyfriend zoned out multiple times in the van on the way back, which scares him because of the possibility that he may be having seizures, so he was on edge. We got back, waiting for our parents in the local boys and girls club, and my brain wasn't with me so when he got me to play foosball, I wasnt able to react in time, and he got frustrated with me. We both left after, and my brothers dad picked us and our little sister up. We ended up getting lunch, which was supposed to be at McDonalds, but after a very quiet comment from our little sister, we realized we had to pick somewhere else, and ended up going to Dairy Queen. Land of the excessive calories. I got four chicken tenders and fries, and a diet pepsi, and thought it was fine as I thought I could skip dinner. I was wrong. I ended up staying for dinner, and had a bit of meat, some mashed potatos, and a big salad with no dressing. And a piece of cake, which I ate half of and then pawned off on my little sister before me and my parents left.

Im so glad to he home, honestly.

My plan for eating for these next two weeks still stands. But things are going to be a little different.

My mom is going into town for a job interview on Wednesday, so I might see if I can stay with my boyfriend until Friday. After that, I'm not going to make any plans unless he invites me over. Apparently, I smother him, so I have an idea of how to, hopefully, have things settle down.

I'm not going to text him until he texts me first. I wont come up with plans, he has to. If things are still off when school starts up, I wont eat lunch with him unless he asks me to. And I wont speak to him in class unless he speaks to me first.

I'm hoping that by doing this, he begins to take initiative, and/or realizes that he loves me, that he wants to talk to me, that he wants to be around me, and that relationships cant be 75/25 all the time. I've tried talking to him, and it doesnt work, so I sincerely hope this will.

And I'm not going to talk about my eating habits with him. I wont bring it up at all anymore. Or my weight.

I'll get to ny ugw without him realizing it's happened until he notices how much less stressed I'll become.

Sorry for the tangent, angels 💕

PSA - 03/15/2019 (goes off topic)

I’m going away for the weekend! I know I’m usually inactive during the weekday so you guys are used to my pattern of disappearing and cluster-reblogging but I thought I should say something! I’m leaving today from school around 2pm unless my brothers boyfriend’s mom can drive us out to camp (we’ll stop at 7-11 on the way if so and I’ll get coke zero!), in which case we’ll leave at 3pm. Either way, I wont be on during the day per usual because something’s very wrong with my school wifi and I can’t figure out how to fix it. Ill be spending that night and the night after at camp, and we’re leaving a bit before lunch on Sunday. My brother doesn’t see me aside from at school or whenever I visit normally, so he’s set on making me eat. I agreed to eat every meal, but told him my portions will be small, so that’s gonna be a fun game of cat and mouse.

I gained back the weight I lost at my boyfriends house so I’m 138 again, not as high as I was but it’s still all in all a massive failure. I’m fasting today, until the first meal I’m forced to eat at camp, and I’m gonna take tiny portions all weekend.

It’s Spring Break after today, too, so I’ll be at home for two weeks. During those two weeks, I’ll skip breakfast or have something small like a yogurt. For lunch, I’ll have 10 parmesan garlic triscuits or a rice cake, per usual for breaks. For dinner I don’t get a choice but I *can* bag what I don’t want to eat if I’m careful. I plan to go to my boyfriends house for at least two 2-3 night intervals, too, so I’m really hoping I lose again. Losertown calculated that by the 25th I should be 130, I did the calculation a week or two ago when I was supposed to be 137 by the 5th this month, but I still think it’s doable. If I manage, and keep it up, May 5th will be the day I hit my UGW.