#loneliness is an epidemic i agree etc etc etc

[dialux]

asljfhljglhfg okay white guy

[evidence-based-activism]

Hello, I really appreciate how you take the time to research and debunk clear attempts to drag women down with men?

Whats your opinion on this article?

https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2014/09/22/rape-cdc-numbers-misleading-definition-date-forced-sexual-assault-column/16007089/

It claims men are raped by woman just as much as women are raped by men. The only reason we don't know why is because they go underreported.

If that's the case, regardless of societal pressure men would be talking about this anways, and never bringing it up when provoked. As in, when women speak out against their assaults.

If that's the case, I think men would actually be taking precautions to be safe from women, I think men would talk about this more rather than the so called "male loneliness epidemic..."

According to,

https://www.healthline.com/health/mens-health/mens-suicide-rate#causes

Men are killing themsleves due to loneliness (at older ages) now the USA today article never claimed males were killing themsleves due to rape but I figure if it's just as common we would hear about it lot considering men love to bring up their own suicide rates.

Basically, the article doesn't reflect society. Then again, it's from 2014. While looking through some crime statistics too on Wikipedia apparently in 2016 there was an increase in female rapists, that just kinda tells me though men were reporting it and women were being convicted.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_differences_in_crime#:~:text=Men%20accounted%20for%2080.4%20percent,those%20arrested%20for%20property%20crime.

By the way, is USA today a credible source?

Thank you.

Hello! So, the short answer is this article is nonsense and also factually inaccurate. The long answer has many parts which I enumerate below:

First, what does the article claim?

The primary argument in this article is that we should be counting "made to penetrate" (i.e., as in a woman forcing a man to penetrate her vagina with his penis, or other similar sex acts) as a type of rape. They argue that if you do so then statistics show that as many men as women are raped.

The conclusion of this argument (that statistics indicate as many women as men are raped) is factually inaccurate, even if we agreed to count "made to penetrate" as a form of rape. However, I will extend on this later, as first:

What is (and isn't) rape?

Depending on your jurisdiction (country, state, etc.) there may or may not be an actual crime called "rape" in the criminal code. In the USA, each state and Washington, DC has its own criminal code, in addition to the federal criminal code and a uniform code of military justice (UCMJ) for each branch of the armed forces. Beyond that, various agencies devoted to criminal statistics (FBI, CDC, BJS) all record data in slightly different ways.

The definition discussed (poorly) in the article, is from the CDC. The CDC publishes results from "The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey", which goes into significantly more detail than other reporting agencies [1].

The categories of sexual violence categorized by the CDC (rewritten slightly to simplify) are:

Rape -- completed or attempted unwanted vaginal, oral, or anal penetration through the use of physical force or threats to physically harm and includes when the victim was too drunk, high, drugged, or passed out and unable to consent (stats for each collected individually). They also note that penetration can be completed with a penis, fingers, or object; except for oral penetration which must be done with a penis.

Being made to penetrate -- when a victim was made to, or an attempt was made to make them, sexually penetrate someone without the victim’s consent because the victim was physically forced or threatened with physical harm, or when the victim was too drunk, high, drugged, or passed out and unable to consent. Examples include a victim being made to penetrate someone vaginally, anally, or orally with his penis or being forced to perform oral sex on a woman.

Sexual coercion -- is unwanted sexual penetration (either direction) that occurs after a person is pressured in a nonphysical way.

Unwanted sexual contact -- unwanted sexual experiences involving touch but not sexual penetration (e.g., being fondled, groped).

Sexual harassment in a public place -- verbal harassment in a sexual way that made the victim feel uncomfortable.

They also aggregate responses for the first four categories into "contact sexual violence".

The author of the USAToday article argues that "made to penetrate" offenses should be reclassified as "rape". This is a gross misunderstanding of the CDC classification system. They have made a very deliberate choice here to break these types of sexual violence down into distinct categories in order to better demonstrate differences between groups.

You'll note that the CDC's definitions are gender neutral such that both a man and a woman could be perpetrator or victim, with the exception of "made to penetrate" which is only asked of men. They are careful to emphasize this in their report, explicating how each offense may apply to a man or a woman.

Is the CDC's definition of rape the "right" one?

That depends entirely on what you mean by "right". The CDC's definition of rape aligns with historical definitions with adjustments to make the crime gender-neutral (i.e., encompass penetration with things other than a penis). The CDC's definition also aligns with the FBI's definition of rape "penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim".

Other sources report only on a broader classification of sex crimes, usually either a measure equivalent to the CDC's "contact sexual violence" measure or a measure that combines rape, sexual coercion, and made to penetrate.

The US code criminal code and accompanying sentencing guidelines detail two categories of sex crimes: sexual abuse which includes criminal sex acts (roughly corresponds to CDC items 1, 2, and 3) and abusive sexual contacts (roughly corresponds to CDC item 4). In addition, they specify assaults are aggravated when they involve force, threat of death/serious bodily harm/kidnapping of the victim or another person, or forcible/unknowing administration of intoxicant to render the victim unconscious or nearly so (roughly corresponds to CDC items 1 and 2).

I will not be going through each state's criminal codes but the ones I did look at appear to either: follow the federal code's example or create separate offenses (e.g., rape, sodomy) and then classify them as the same "degree" of offense.

Ultimately, in reference to criminal proceedings the determining factors for sentence length guidelines appear to be: if the victim is a child, if the offense is aggravated, if the victim is grievously injured, and if the offender is a repeat offender. Considered alone, a crime being rape vs made to penetrate doesn't appear to make a difference in sentence length.

So, why is the author of the USAToday so bent out of shape?

They appear to be angry about the "expansion" of the rape definition to include non-forcible offenses. (Although, based on the premise of the article, I imagine they would have been equally upset if the old definition "the carnal knowledge of a female, forcibly and against her will" was retained.)

I am very curious to know which of the "expansions" they specifically object to. The expansion to include anal or oral penetration? To include threats of physical harm? To include penetration of objects other than the penis? Or maybe just the inclusion of "when the victim was too drunk, high, drugged, or passed out and unable to consent"?

There's also an important note here, that despite common claims to the contrary, being "too drunk, high, drugged, or passed out" does not include "sex while a partner is intoxicated" unless that partner is unable to consent, which most commonly means the victim was either unconscious or very nearly so. In some jurisdictions, even this will only apply when the intoxicant was either forced or unknowingly given to the victim, known as the voluntary intoxication caveat [2]. It’s inconceivable to me that someone would genuinely be trying to argue that having sex with someone while they’re unconscious isn’t rape, so I assume the author must not have actually read the legal codes/CDC definitions. (Side note: there's also generally rules defining sexual acts with individuals unable to consent due to mental disability or age as rape. The CDC didn’t include this in their definition because their results are based on surveys of adults in the US.)

All in all, I'm hard pressed to imagine which of these situations the author would genuinely like to claim isn't rape.

And with all of that: the author's first misinterpretation/misrepresentation of CDC data. They appear to think the CDC is counting coercion and intimidation in the "rape" data rather than in the "sexual coercion" data. I assume they simply did not actually read the report they are attempting to analyze, since I imagine you'd be hard-pressed to miss this otherwise.

Okay, but I think that the definition of rape should include everything the CDC calls rape, sexual coercion, and made to penetrate. If we look at all of those offenses together do we see equal rape rates for men and women?

No :) this brings us to misinterpretation/misrepresentation of the data #2. Let's look at the most recent (2016/17 report, published in 2022) CDC sexual victimization report.

The issue with trying to compare total counts for these three categories is that summing them gives you a significant over-count of victims. This is because many people report victimizations of more than one crime. For example, 27% of women report experiencing rape in their lifetime. Breaking that up we see: 22% experienced completed forced penetration, 16% experienced attempted forced penetration, and 17% experienced alcohol/drug-facilitated penetration. If we didn't have that overall 27% figure, summing these values would have suggested that 55% of women experience rape (or 39% when we exclude attempted rape). Obviously, this is a significant over count.

So, what can we compare?

Well, we can can compare across single offense categories for men and women. With this we see that, in their lifetime:

27% of women and 4% of men experience rape

11% of men are "made to penetrate" (not estimated for women, previous estimates put the percentage around 1%)

24% of women and 11% of men experience sexual coercion

48% of women and 23% of men experience unwanted sexual contact

30% of women and 11% of men experience sexual harassment in a public place

To make a striking point, let’s create a possible range of prevalence estimates using the summing method (where the floor is the highest percent for any single category and the ceiling is the sum of each category), the expanded definition of rape from above would apply to anywhere from 27% to 52% of women and anywhere from 11% to 26% of men. Based on this, the ceiling estimate for men (26%) would still be lower than the floor estimate for women (27%).

A more accurate comparison would be between contact sexual violence experiences (includes CDC items 1, 2, 3, and 4 and would encompass both sexual abuse and abusive sexual contact per the US legal code). This measurement is 54% for women and 31% for men.

The article's claim that women and men reported rape and made to penetrate at the same rate relied on the 12-month prevalence estimate. This measurement is much less robust, and I generally just ignore it for prevalence estimates; it's best used, I think, for comparisons across time. As an example of this, the data I'm reporting from reports a 12-month prevalence difference of 2% for rape for women and 1% for made to penetrate for men. Clearly, these 12-month estimates are less stable for estimating prevalence, if the women’s rate can be nearly identical to the men’s rate one year and double the men’s rate another year.

In addition to this, the proportion of male victims reporting only female perpetrators was much lower than the proportion of female victims reporting only male perpetrators. (I have previously discussed the issues with obtaining perpetrator prevalence rates from victimization data, so I won't go into this further.)

Okay, what about the rest of the article?

Well, the author references a study using non-probablity/non-random sampling to try and suggest there's a much higher rate of sexual victimization among men than previously found. I've talked before about why this is a problem. The authors of that study are actually not the worst, since they explicitly acknowledge in their discussion that "recruitment strategies ... were not random, thus limiting generalizability". So, bad USAToday author for misrepresenting their study.

The one actually interesting point is about sexual victimization at juvenile detention centers. I would need a whole other post to appropriately dive into that complicated (and sensitive) topic however. Suffice to say that his commentary on this is also partially inaccurate and definitely misleading.

The rest of the article is anecdotal, un-sourced, and essentially seems to be him railing about feminists and also anti-rape initiatives on college campuses.

---

For the rest of your ask:

Is male-on-female rape under-reported/wouldn't we see people talking about this?

I've discussed how female crimes aren't under-reported in the past. Rape in general is under-reported, but female-on-male rape is not significantly under-reported in comparison to male-on-female rape. In general, I agree that if there was a substantial number of men being victimized by women, we'd see an effect of this on/in society.

"While looking through some crime statistics too on Wikipedia apparently in 2016 there was an increase in female rapists" -> I am not able to find this in the Wikipedia article? If you meant to say 2014, observed changes in statistics may have been impacted by the FBI's (extremely belated, like, behind every single other agency ever) change in rape definition from "carnal knowledge of a female forcibly and against her will" to "penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim".

What about male suicide rates? The male loneliness epidemic?

Men are more likely to commit suicide, as described in the article you linked to. However, women are either equally or more likely to attempt suicide and have suicidal thoughts. (Also discussed in the same article, specific rates vary by source).

Loneliness is a pretty serious problem, particularly among the elderly. However, it's not a "men's problem", it's a "human people problem" [3]. The specific statistics vary by age group, but, overall, women and men appear to experience loneliness at similar rates.

"By the way, is USA today a credible source?"

Depends on what you mean by credible. mediabiasfactcheck.com rates USAToday as left center and mostly factual due to "editorial positions that slightly favor the left" and "editors missing fabricated stories in the past". Of course, reliance on this rating requires you to trust the people behind mediabiasfactcheck. I've found them to be ... somewhat credible. They do best with sources that are firmly (USA) democrat or republican oriented, however. For example, they also rate Feminist Current as "mostly factual" for the "promotion of transphobia" despite no failed fact checks in the past five years. Further cases like this one and related issues damage their credibility. Unfortunately, I really don't have a special way to determine credible sources. My best advice is honestly to look at many different sources, including ones you don't agree with, and critically engage with the content of each of them.

In reference to this article specifically, the more important factor in this case is the "opinion" article flag at the top of the page. This means that someone, who doesn't have to be affiliated with the source, wrote an article that the source is hosting. There's many reasons why they would agree to do so, so speculating isn't very helpful. Researching the author can help establish professional credibility (is he a reporter? a public offical? just some guy?), but it's important not to stray into ad hominem attacks (i.e., check out the author to determine credibility, but focus arguments about article on the content of the article).

In this case, the author is "Glenn Harlan Reynolds" a law professor at the "University of Tennessee College of Law" and writer of the "Instapundit" blog. mediabiasfactcheck rates it as a "questionable source" for "promotion of propaganda, conspiracy theories, the use of poor sources, a failed fact check, and a lack of transparency with ownership". Reynolds has also been disciplined for the "promotion of violence" over social media. This suggests to me that he lacks credibility, an opinion I'd support by his clear misunderstanding and/or misrepresentation of data sources.

References under the cut:

Basile, K.C., Smith, S.G., Kresnow, M., Khatiwada S., & Leemis, R.W. (2022). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2016/2017 Report on Sexual Violence. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Teravskis, P. J., Grossman-Kahn, R., & Gulrajani, C. (2022). Victim intoxication and capacity to consent in sexual assault statutes across the united states. Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law Online. https://doi.org/10.29158/JAAPL.220032-21

von Soest, T., Luhmann, M., Hansen, T., & Gerstorf, D. (2020). Development of loneliness in midlife and old age: Its nature and correlates. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 118(2), 388–406. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000219

[commiekinkshamer]

Am I just seeing it more or have like, openly misogynistic comments become normalized now? Men on Facebook spewing about how women are selfish for not having children young, how women “ruined” men by rejecting them, how all women are after money and free drinks only, “male loneliness epidemic” because women and MeToo movements made modern dating impossible, etc

It seems like a few years ago while these existed, there were usually a lot of laugh reacts or whatever and now I see other women agreeing with it commonly 🥴

[junglizt]

There’s a male loneliness epidemic going on, and there’s also an epidemic of men falsely claiming to be there for other men who are going through things, usually in the form of Facebook statuses. “Message me for a chat. As men, we need to be there for other men” Etc. I’m getting a bit bored of men posting things like this and virtue signalling to make themselves look like good people.

Male loneliness is caused my male friendship itself. As you get older, it’s very hard to make actual, good friends—friendship that actually goes beyond a surface level—people who will actually be there for you when things get difficult.

Your life, as you get older, gets filled with more acquaintances—whether that’s from people you work with over the years, or the hobbies that you do, or the pubs that you frequent, etc. Some of those people are simply just there to fill those roles of being there for the activity that you both like. You cannot message these people asking for help though because they’re simply just acquaintances. They have their own things going on and their own lives to deal with; they’re not interested in taking in what you’re having to deal with. This is fair enough and completely fine, but if you were to ask some of these people for help, it can throw the friendship off balance, or even ruin it. Is that really want you want though? People to be fine with you while you’re all doing your activities, but to then judge you and get weird with you when things go a bit downhill?

Another thing that comes with male friendship is that everything gets treated as banter when it shouldn’t be. You have to be really selective about who you ask for help because otherwise you’re going to either get ignored or absolutely ripped to pieces for it. Help can come in many forms, whether that’s a visit, or a deep chat—the effort is appreciated regardless. I’d say that there’s only a select few people, as a man, that you can actually go to for help: your friends that you’ve known since you were kids (it was easier to make friends as kids, and take that friendship further into an older age. There’s a different, better friendship dynamic that goes on with childhood friends), or some family/your partner. Obviously, experiences might vary because people have made good, lifelong friends well into being an adult; I just think that it’s harder to achieve that in most cases, and I think most people can sit and think about that and agree with me.

For those men who like to regurgitate statuses like this every couple of weeks and claim that they’re there for ABSOLUTELY ANYBODY—no you’re not; I can see straight through it. You type them up for likes on social media while your actual mates who are struggling daren’t ask for your help because you won’t take it seriously. It’s always a certain archetype of lad that posts statuses like these too, and you just know that they’d be absolute pricks if you were to be somewhat vulnerable to them. Physiognomy doesn’t lie.

To sum it up: stick to your close mates. Use your discernment to identify who will actually take you seriously. Don’t let anybody else who won’t take you seriously know your business—it can get used against you.

This is just my take on the male loneliness epidemic. These are things that I’ve picked up on living life as a man, and I’m sure a lot of other men can agree with me too.

[styleandcheek]

but also a bit weird that the loneliness epidemic is always the fault of women? i think one of our politicians said that women should sleep with men so they'd be less lonely. when in reality, men need to regulate their emotions better, they should form friendships with other men (and not the type of "we don't talk about anything, we just drink beer with each other") it seems like all the emotional work is always left to women 🙄 luckily they teach emotional skills in kindergarten and the alpha gen will probably be better with their emotions, but it is still sad.

Yes yes YES! I wholeheartedly agree. It’s not our job to fix the loneliness problem. And sleeping with them wouldn’t fix their loneliness anyway, that’s a bandaid.

I truly hope we are able to get to a place, maybe with the younger generations, where men can be more open, emotional, vulnerable, regulate their emotions, have honest conversations without feeling shame, and have stronger male friendships where they talk about their emotions instead of stuffing them down/hiding them/pretending they’re too manly to feel/rub some dirt in it/etc.

I’m counting on the younger gen. He’s not Gen a, he’s Gen z, but my nephew is the sweetest boy and I can see the way my brother dismisses his feelings constantly. He just wants to be heard, seen, appreciated and doesn’t know that his softness and sensitivity are good traits! It’s impacted so much by your family system as well as society, unfortunately. I hope we get to the point where people realize it’s not a weakness to have emotions and express them. Bleh. My hope is pretty bleak rn though.

[uptownthots]

Yeah I agree that we are coming from different places when talking about this because I didn’t say “I don’t care about male loneliness” I said I do not care about the Male Loneliness Epidemic(tm) which, as described by people on this site, posits that men experience a unique form of loneliness that women do not because of the patriarchy. I consider this distinct and different from the idea that there is a general issue of societal loneliness as a result of capitalism, because in every interaction I’ve had with someone who believes in The Epidemic(tm), they’ve outright rejected the idea that capitalism is at play (because living under capitalism isn’t Unique to men!) or just gotten mad at me and pivoted to whataboutisms when they can’t refute it. The Epidemic(tm) that is talked about within this post The Epidemic(tm) of “society only cares about women! It doesn’t let men have feelings!” which is an antifeminist untruth that I don’t care to entertain as being serious.

Homophobia is homophobia lol. You’re doing the same thing others on this post have done where you take homophobia/transphobia/etc and try to redefine it as something else for the sake of argument.

Like you say you’re not looking for disclaimers about The Good Men but that’s literally what you’re doing here. Understand that from my perspective I said “men often choose to harm each other because harming other men in homophobic* ways serves them in a patriarchal society. These men then in turn complain about Societal Oppression via social isolation that, in reality, is a result of their own actions towards others.” And in turn you’re trying to tell me that I’m blaming The Good Man for experiencing homophobia? You quite literally do want a Good Ones disclaimer because you can’t figure out on your own that this post literally is not about All Men(tm) or is it blaming The Good Ones(tm) for being victims of bigotry at the hands of The Bad Ones(tm) Isn’t the woman in my post in the same position and the hypothetical man facing homophobia? Am I blaming her too?

already can't pretend to care about the male loneliness epidemic because it isn't real but listening to the way men actually talk about their friends/what they think friendship entails makes me care even less sorry

[childabusesurvivor]

Sharing - How Modern Culture Drowns Out Psychology’s Important Message

New Post has been published on https://www.childabusesurvivor.net/reviews/2024/07/06/sharing-how-modern-culture-drowns-out-psychologys-important-message/

Sharing - How Modern Culture Drowns Out Psychology’s Important Message

Psychologists, as well as research into mental health issues and happiness, all agree on one thing. Being connected to other people and part of a community is the best thing we can do for our mental well-being.

In the article below, Carl Nassar points out that our society sends us a very different message:

Our consumer culture insists we live, instead, by a rigidly individualistic construct. It tells the story where the real heroes are the individual producers or consumers. These everyday heroes don’t seek out “transient” safety in the arms of others but instead “bravely” venture out into the world and make their own security by growing their own private success stories and hoarding the belongings these successes create for them. These modern heroes don’t find safety in a “fragile” intimacy born of vulnerability and trust with fellow human beings but instead “boldly” construct their own safety through the acquisition and expansion of power, property, and prestige.

I suspect that he is on to something. It’s hard to create a community of people caring for one another when our workplaces demand constant availability, and our culture rewards people who are singularly focused on career or commercial success. This reminds me of something I wrote about early risers and their productivity a few years ago. I thought it was weird that in a profile of these “very successful” men, every one of them talked about getting up early to start working, planning out their days, sending emails to their team so they’d be waiting for them when they got to the office, etc.

What was missing from every single person interviewed in the story? There was no mention of a family. None of these men talked about having breakfast with a spouse, taking their kids to school, etc. None of them mentioned having friends. Their entire goal was to get a head start on work so they could get ahead. And here we were, writing glowing profiles and encouraging everyone to live like this.

Yet we know that this kind of commercially focused lifestyle devoid of connection with other human beings is a huge part of the loneliness epidemic, especially among men. We know that this loneliness is a major contributing factor to the mental health crisis, and research tells us that the happiest people are the ones with the best connections to other human beings.

Maybe we should stop writing glowing profiles of the richest men in the world and start writing them about people making a huge difference by creating communities that connect us.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/born-for-a-better-world/202406/how-modern-culture-drowns-out-psychologys-important-message

#Connection, #Family, #Loneliness, #MentalHealth, #Research, #School, #Writing

[roobylavender]

when you say feminism theoretically frees us "all" from gendered oppression - i can understand why you feel this way, but the politics of that statement are about as radical as the barbie movie. an anticolonial movement like that of the Palestinians or of the vietnamese in the 80s didn't seek to free "both" the colonized and the colonizers, even though undoubtedly both IDF and american soldiers felt some negative effects like deteriorating mental health, etc from continuing their neocolonial occupation. the black american civil rights movement did not seek to free "both" black and white people, though some whites were negatively affected by gerrymandering and "separate but equal" laws. patriarchy harms men in the sense that the recoil of a gun hurts the one who is pointing it at his victim lol. true women's liberation WILL harm men just as the anti-slavery struggle disadvantaged white slave-owners, just as any liberation movement will cause the oppressor to lose the privileges he enjoyed beforehand. if you can't even acknowledge that the oppressor benefits at the cost of the oppressed, what sort of activism do you really believe in? or do you simply not take feminism as seriously as other liberation movements and ideologies?

also one more thing - "frees us all from gendered oppression" umm who do you think is behind the gendered oppression? do you think it materialized from nowhere, and it just suddenly appeared in society someday? if it benefited no one, if it helped no one, why would it exist? like this thinking is naive at best and actively misogynist at worst lol. men are the ones who are enforcing the gendered oppression in question, this is a non-controversial fact. imagine saying antiracism will "free us all" as if whites are harmed just as much by the system of domination that they enforce.

respectfully, that comment in the tags was a very generic one i made in reference to the male loneliness epidemic specifically and i really don't think you or i are stupid enough to believe that i think that all feminism boils down to generic inclusivism. obv oppressors will be at the other end of the gun by virtue of the way the movement would work on a material level and i wholeheartedly support that. my only implication by that comment is that it is baffling to see resistance to feminism wrt to how it revolutionizes relationships and human interaction, whether within the general international environment or within specific subcultures, bc it ultimately seeks to strike down gendered hierarchies that are harmful to everyone. that's something i speak to from my own experience as a pakistani woman living among other pakistani men and women. i can simultaneously acknowledge that certain gendered expectations have been made permanent via systems maintained by men and that this has in turn harmed men in my own immediate environment, many of whom i nonetheless have a litany of complaints of. i don't feel the need to explain my entire life story to you and frankly you aren't entitled to it but part of my feminism is very much driven by the hope that pakistani boys and girls younger than me are brought up and witness to a better ideology and means of maintaining relationships with each other than were any of our parents or grandparents. i really am somewhat baffled by you taking a split-second tag i made and reading whatever all of this is into it as if i've ever said anything else indicative of it. i would love to have a conversation with you on this in good faith if you're willing to bc i pretty much agree with everything you believe feminism to be. my comment simply was not directed at any of this nor should it have been taken to be

[echoesintoeternity]

A Perspective & Practice During the Coronavirus

Anyone need some encouragement? How about some peace? How do we maintain inner peace in the midst of outer turmoil?

This is a long-read. I want to help anyone struggling right now - with a perspective & a practice.

A couple of mornings ago, I was studying a commentary on the biblical book of Lamentations. Now don’t let me lose you here, stick with me.

It’s a book that both mourns the fall of the city of Jerusalem and offers reproof, instruction, and hope to its survivors. Lamentations is associated with the word "how" - a characteristic cry of lament or exclamation. 

Isn't this right? "How" is a question we ask. It's circumstantial, looking for answers to a specific situation. 

Truthfully, sometimes there aren't simple or easy answers for specific situations. Thankfully, there are bigger truths we can look to and hold onto - truths that overcome circumstances or situations, regardless of how dark & heavy they may be.

Here's what was happening leading up to the writing of the book of Lamentations (and notice what they invoked):

Jerusalem's defenses were taken down. Uncertainty & fear settled in for its people.

Her allies had been vanquished in battle & any vain attempts of rescue had not been successful.

The cities around them were crushed.

A siege on the city was ever-tightening. The infiltrating armies unraveled the very fabric of society.

The people cried out to any & everything for deliverance.

Paranoia gripped the people until they turned on God Himself.

Their walls of protection were tore down & the city was left in smoldering rubble.

The once-proud city was trampled in dust. Her people had been devastated by a cruel taskmaster.

Tyler, I thought you were aiming at peace & encouragement? Once again, stick with me.

Most scholars point out that the book of Lamentations attempts to show the fulfillment of what was stated in the biblical book of Deuteronomy. In Deuteronomy, heartaches & hardships had been predicted. But God also promised restoration for repentance. Thus, in Lamentations, the author Jeremiah offers hope in the midst of despair.

Currently, a lot of our personal defenses - who & what we look to for security - are being challenged. A lot of the allies we rely on are trying to figure this out just like us. The world around us is being crushed. Society seems to be unraveling. We are looking for any & everything - information, products, distraction, etc - to deliver us at best or settling for numbing at worst. We are anxious, paranoid, and slowly pointing fingers at any and everything we can to make sense of this. The "walls" we've trusted for protection & infrastructure are being left in a smoldering rubble. We feel scared, unprotected, caught off guard, and upset that something like this could happen to us. The plans we hear don't seem to be able to truly & fully protect us & prevent harm. We’re unsettled, unnerved, and on edge. If we’re honest, it is both an interruption & inconvenience to our lives in trivial ways and simultaneously a big-picture epidemic & life-threatening scenario. This confuses us and we don’t know quite how we’re supposed to feel. No one seems to be responding to this particularly well. We feel trampled in dust, being devastated by a cruel taskmaster. Day after day, we echo “My God…”, for a difference reason...and at a deeper level.

I'm not here to offer you an extensive look into answering the questions of "how" or "why". Only God knows these intricacies. But there is a big-picture question that aims at our current state of mind, but goes beyond just today's circumstance - “What now?”. Let me point you to the one thing bigger than this present circumstance - God Himself, and specifically, God’s truths. If you desire internal peace regardless of external circumstance, if you need hope in the midst of despair, if you need good news today - we must turn to God. Any & everything else we look to, even good things, will fail us ultimately.

Listen to this commentary on the book of Lamentations & let this encourage you:

At the climax of Lamentations, God’s covenant faithfulness is affirmed and celebrated. “The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases” (3:22). God “will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love” (3:32).

Just as pain is a global and ever-present experience, however, so too is God’s mercy for those who trust him through Christ. Although it recounts suffering as bluntly and awfully as anywhere in the Bible, the high point of Lamentations is its spelling out of a steady trust that “the LORD is good to those who wait for him” (3:25), for “the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end” (3:22). As surely as judgment awaits the faithless, mercy awaits the faithful—those who look to God, waiting on him, trusting in his Son, and yielding themselves to him.

Here is the greatest hope of all: God’s unfailing, unstoppable mercy toward his beloved people. The Lord himself sovereignly oversees all that his children go through, yet “he does not afflict from his heart or grieve the children of men” (3:33). “For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love” (3:31-32).

God draws near to his suffering saints. Indeed, in Jesus Christ, God has drawn closer to us than could have been imagined—he has become one of us, sharing in all that we suffer in this fallen world (Heb. 2:14-18; 4:14-16). Remembering him and his cross, and the glory into which he entered and into which we too shall enter (Rom 8:17), we trustingly submit to him and his fatherly governance of our lives and the lives of our brothers and sisters around the world today.

This sums up an empowering perspective to guide us through everyday life. But what about some things we can do practically, things we can practice? I’m shifting gears a bit, but I feel it is extremely important to have practical practices to live out the perspective you’ve just been armed with.

I hope these points help you and give you a strategic focus during this season. Please note, do not zoom past these points just because they seem so obvious or cliche. It’s not if you agree that they are true, but are you actually doing them?

Read the Bible. It’s important to set your mind on the things that will contribute to a right mindset & perspective. That does not happen passively or by accident.

Create quiet time to pray & meditate. There’s going to be a lot of “noise” in the next couple of months. Make sure your soul is at rest, you are bringing your fears, concerns, requests to God, and take time to listen to His response.

Journal. If you’re anything like me, your mind can be an overwhelming place. I have to take a proactive approach in sifting through it, collecting my thoughts, and cleansing it. If I don’t, it ends up an overgrown garden, a vicious cycle of more stress. Every day I take 5-10 minutes to answer questions like “3 things I’m grateful for (in the morning & afternoon), one big focus for the day, 3 big things I need to accomplish, lessons learned & opportunities to improve, if I owe anyone amends or need to forgive anyone, wins, patterns, affirmations & reminders. Try it out.

Connect with your family. Have you ever wondered in what ways the most important things in life could have been simpler way back when? This season is an opportunity. Do not get sucked into everything else when a primary opportunity is right in front of you. Spend quality time with your family.

Stay physically fit. Not focusing on this for months can lead to mental, emotional, & physical atrophy. There’s something to be said about the science behind getting the bad stuff out of your system. Don’t let it just sit & accumulate. That’s not going to be fun for your state or others around you. Stay active & eat as well as possible. You may be doomsday grocery shopping and stocking up. Your doomsday may be putting on 20+ lbs the next couple of months. Even if it’s from home, do workouts - look some up if you need to. Walk together as a family.

Keep an inventory of your intake. Yes, it’s a nice opportunity to catch up on your favorite show. Yes, you may have more time to check out social media. Just make sure your intake is balanced. If you go full entertainment, well, see above for my thoughts on junk accumulating in your system.

Connect with healthy relationships, even if it’s via technology. Don’t let hunkering down lead to loneliness, isolation, and depression. You need relationships, maybe now more than ever. Get creative in this.

Don’t neglect your responsibilities. The state of your environment influences your mood. Yes, those stacking dishes can create some anxiety for you or others.

Be wise, taking into account the recommendations of health professionals.

Serve others. Is there anything you can do to help the world or your key relationships right now? Sometimes the best medicine is offering some to someone else!

Listen to the Holy Spirit. Keep all of the general guidelines & recommendations in mind. And be led by the Holy Spirit. He is a personal relationship, living inside of you - your counselor, your helper.

Turn back to God. For your inner state, regardless of outer circumstances. Be wise. Get ahead of this. Have a plan. Connect. Ask for help. 

Love you guys & I’m praying for you.

[lgbtlunaverse]

I think what both the "male loneliness epidemic" people, the people pretending bigotry is just a personal choice for funsies and, to some extend, this post (though op makes a lot of good points and i think we largely agree on this matter) miss is that the real problem isn't just that men are lonely, or that they're somehow uniquely lonely (they are not) it's that there are structures in place and society is organized in such a way that when men (and/pr white and/or cis people) are lonely or depressed and frustrated with the state of the world, that they direct that anger towards vulnerable people. (Women, jewish people, trans people, black people, etc.) Imstead of the systems in power.

Pretending that the problem is that men are so much more lonely than women, that male loneloness is some unique experiemce and not just plain old loneliness due to the neverending atomization of society, the dissapearance of 3rd places, and necessary but still detrimental effect of lockdowns- which anyone of any gender can experience- does nothing to adress the actual problem while instead telling marginalized people to prioritize the wellbeing of their opressors because otherwise the oppressor reacts with violence. (See how rightwingers talking about "male loneliness" usually present women being forced to date men they don't like as the solution) "just be more niceys to misogygists" isn't gonna solve the fucking problem.

On the other hand, saying bigotry is an individual choice and every bigot is just naturally bad also ignores the systemic societal structures that led us here while closong down opportunities for people to ne deradicalozed. Both op and the addition reblog already do a good job of breaking this argument down. This doesn't help anyone either.

But what you miss when you say "they didn't start out hating black people or jews or women" is that... they probably did a little bit. Their prejudice was radicalized into much more extrme and dangerous forms of hatred, but they were likely already predisposed to blame them... because they grew up in a society that discriminated against black people jewish people and women.

Indoctrination doesn't start when someone clicks on an Andrew Tate video it starts at birth. We live under a patriarchy and it means that men are already predisposed to think lesser of women and to blame women for problems in society. And there are so many ways for that dormant bigotry to turn extremist. Before Andrew Tate it was other manosphere influencers, and before the internet existed it was in magazines and seminars and boys' clubs.

This also means that any alternative places for men, or other privileged people, to find community and solutions without blaming marginalized people are fighting an uphill battle against that bigotry. It's not that they don't exist (pretending that the left is somehow uniquely hostile to men is disengenuous and also plainly false. Even the bad regressive things said about men in leftist spaces pale in comparison to how hateful and degrading incel forums are to one another. Rightwing spaces pretending or be "for men" are often incredibly mean to men and tear into them for not fitting stereotypcial norms of masculinity) it's that the playing field is uneven by design.

Any analysis on the problem of rightwing radicalization that doesn't take into account that radicalization is just an accelerated version of the pressure that is applied to all of us since the moment we were born to hate, fear, and blame marginalized people, is incomplete. Because it can't explain why women don't start killing men when they're lonely. Which leaves only the answers "women are naturally harmless" (false, bioessentialism) or "women aren't lonely" (also false, misogyny) instead of the correct answer "society isn't structured to let women excert power over and materially harm men"

Unfortunately, the problem is only gonna emd when we tear these structures down, no amount of compassion or hostility on an individual level is going to help unless we do that first.

"male loneliness' isn't real it's just an idea made up to coddle awful men" I need you to understand. you're right when you say it shouldn't be used as an excuse, but that doesn't solve the problem of (mostly cis & white & straight & ect) men (in the west at least) having nowhere else to go but extremist groups. actually I think it's making the problem worse to treat all men who fall into this as having no societal influences that made them susceptible to it and were just doing it purely for funsies or something

I know it sucks but being cold and bitter is not the solution to people who have turned away from a world they percieve as cold and bitter. you don't have to coddle them or be so so niceys or hold their hand every step of the way but imo it's unrealistic to expect these men, or anyone at all really, to deradicalize themselves without showing them any reason they should or why their worldview is wrong

if we want to try to fix this we have to throw out individualism. even if it doesn't seem fair, it's really the only solution I can see to the problem, because saying "men should just not be bigoted" isn't actually going to fix this

[inbonobo]

Here was the pitch: We want you to write about how middle-aged men have no friends.

Excuse me? I have plenty of friends. Are you calling me a loser? You are.

The editor told me there was all sorts of evidence out there about how men, as they age, let their close friendships lapse, and that that fact can cause all sorts of problems and have a terrible impact on their health.

I told the editor I’d think about it. This is how reporters talk when they’re trying to get out of something they don’t want to do. As I walked back to my desk in the newsroom — a distance of maybe 100 yards — I quickly took stock of my life to try to prove to myself that I was not, in fact, perfect for this story.

First of all, there was my buddy Mark. We went to high school together, and I still talk to him all the time, and we hang out all the . . . Wait, how often do we actually hang out? Maybe four or five times a year?

And then there was my other best friend from high school, Rory, and . . . I genuinely could not remember the last time I’d seen him. Had it already been a year? Entirely possible.

There were all those other good friends who feel as if they’re still in my lives because we keep tabs on one another via social media, but as I ran down the list of those I’d consider real, true, lifelong friends, I realized that it had been years since I’d seen many of them, even decades for a few.

By the time I got back to my desk, I realized that I was indeed perfect for this story, not because I was unusual in any way, but because my story is very, very typical. And as I looked into what that means, I realized that in the long term, I was heading down a path that was very, very dangerous.

Vivek Murthy, the surgeon general of the United States, has said many times in recent years that the most prevalent health issue in the country is not cancer or heart disease or obesity. It is isolation.

I TURNED 40 IN MAY. I have a wife and two young boys. I moved to the suburbs a few years ago, where I own a fairly ugly home with white vinyl siding and two aging station wagons with crushed Goldfish crackers serving as floor mats. When I step on a Lego in the middle of the night on my way to the bathroom, I try to tell myself that it’s cute that I’ve turned into a sitcom dad.

During the week, much of my waking life revolves around work. Or getting ready for work. Or driving to work. Or driving home from work. Or texting my wife to tell her I’m going to be late getting home from work.

Much of everything else revolves around my kids. I spend a lot of time asking them where their shoes are, and they spend a lot of time asking me when they can have some “dada time.” It is the world’s cutest phrase, and it makes me feel guilty every time I hear it, because they are asking it in moments when they know I cannot give it to them — when I am distracted by an e-mail on my phone or I’m dealing with the constant, boring logistics of running a home.

We can usually squeeze in an hour of “dada time” before bed — mostly wrestling or reading books — and so the real “dada time” happens on weekends. That’s my promise. “I have to go to work, but this weekend,” I tell them, “we can have ‘dada time.’ ”

I love “dada time.” And I’m pretty good about squeezing in an hour of “me time” each day for exercise, which usually means getting up before dawn to go to the gym or for a run. But when everything adds up, there is no real “friend time” left. Yes, I have friends at work and at the gym, but those are accidents of proximity. I rarely see those people anywhere outside those environments, because when everything adds up, I have left almost no time for friends. I have structured myself into being a loser.

“YOU SHOULD USE THIS story suggestion as a call to do something about it.”

That’s Dr. Richard S. Schwartz, a Cambridge psychiatrist, and I had reached out to him because he and his wife, Dr. Jacqueline Olds, literally wrote the book on this topic, The Lonely American: Drifting Apart in the Twenty-First Century.

He agreed that my story was very typical. When people with children become overscheduled, they don’t shortchange their children, they shortchange their friendships. “And the public health dangers of that are incredibly clear,” he says.

Beginning in the 1980s, Schwartz says, study after study started showing that those who were more socially isolated were much more likely to die during a given period than their socially connected neighbors, even after you corrected for age, gender, and lifestyle choices like exercising and eating right. Loneliness has been linked to an increased risk of cardiovascular disease and stroke and the progression of Alzheimer’s. One study found that it can be as much of a long-term risk factor as smoking.

The research doesn’t get any rosier from there. In 2015, a huge study out of Brigham Young University, using data from 3.5 million people collected over 35 years, found that those who fall into the categories of loneliness, isolation, or even simply living on their own see their risk of premature death rise 26 to 32 percent.

Now consider that in the United States, nearly a third of people older than 65 live alone; by age 85, that has jumped to about half. Add all of this up, and you can see why the surgeon general is declaring loneliness to be a public health epidemic.

“Since my wife and I have written about loneliness and social isolation, we see a fair number of people for whom this is a big problem,” Schwartz continues. But there’s a catch. “Often they don’t come saying they’re lonely. Most people have the experience you had in your editor’s office: Admitting you’re lonely feels very much like admitting you’re a loser. Psychiatry has worked hard to de-stigmatize things like depression, and to a large part it has been successful. People are comfortable saying they’re depressed. But they’re not comfortable saying they’re lonely, because you’re the kid sitting alone in the cafeteria.”

I’m not that kid. I’m gregarious. I have family around me all the time, or I’m around “friends” at work or elsewhere. I comment on their Facebook posts. They comment on mine. My wife and I also have other couples we like and see often. It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that’s good enough — and for many men it is, at least until their spouse gets the friends in the divorce.

I’m hesitant to say I’m lonely, though I’m clearly a textbook case of the silent majority of middle-aged men who won’t admit they’re starved for friendship, even if all signs point to the contrary. Now that I’ve been forced to recognize it, the question is what to do about it. Like really do about it. Because the tricks I’ve been using clearly do not work. I’ve been on “guy dates” with people I like — maybe I met them through my kids or on an assignment or whatever — but all too often those are one and done. It’s not that we don’t hit it off. We’ll go have that beer, and we’ll spend that beer talking about how we’re overscheduled and never get to hang with our friends, vaguely making plans to do something again, though we both know it’s probably not going to happen — certainly not the grand “Let’s hike the Appalachian Trail” ideas that start getting thrown out after the third beer. It’s a polite way of kicking the ball down the road, but never into the goal. I like you. You like me. Is that enough? Does that make us friends?

IN FEBRUARY AT A CONFERENCE in Boston, a researcher from Britain’s University of Oxford presented study results that most guys understand intuitively: Men need an activity together to make and keep a bond. Women can maintain friendships over the phone. My wife is capable of having long phone talks with her sister in Virginia or her friend Casey (whom she sees in person almost every day), and I kind of look at it with amazement. I hate the phone. My guy friends seem to share my feelings, because our phone conversations seem to naturally last about five minutes before someone says, “All right, I’ll catch up with you later.” Dudes aren’t going to maintain a bromance that way, or even over a once-in-a-blue-moon beer. We need to go through something together. That’s why, studies have shown, men tend to make their deepest friends through periods of intense engagement, like school or military service or sports. That’s how many of us are comfortable.

When I was talking to Richard Schwartz, the psychiatrist told me something that had me staring off into the distance and nodding my head. Researchers have noticed a trend in photographs taken of people interacting. When female friends are talking to each other, they do it face to face. But guys stand side by side, looking out at the world together.

But in the middle years of life, those side-by-side opportunities to get together are exactly the sort of things that fall off. When you have a gap in your schedule, you feel bad running off with the fellas and leaving your partner alone to look for the shoes. And the guys I’d like to spend time with are all locked in the exact same bind as me. Planning anything takes great initiative, and if you have to take initiative every time you see someone, it’s easy to just let it disappear.

That’s why Schwartz and others say the best way for men to forge and maintain friendships is through built-in regularity — something that is always on the schedule. This worked well for me over the past year (however unintentionally) with a college buddy named Matt. We signed up to run last April’s Boston Marathon together, and even though he lives in Chicago, we were in regular contact about our training, his trip to Boston, etc., and our relationship became stronger than ever, even though our best and deepest conversation occurred during the four-plus hours it took us to get from Hopkinton to Boston, side by side. We repeated the process with the Chicago Marathon in October, this time in less than four hours (thank God for the flat Midwest), but we haven’t had much contact since then, because we’re no longer going through anything together. I texted him to congratulate him after the Cubs won the World Series. He did the same for me after the Patriots won the Super Bowl. But I can’t remember the last time I talked to Matt since. We have no further plans. That would take initiative.

WHENEVER THE POWERBALL or Mega Millions gets over $100 million, I’ll buy a ticket. My wife thinks I’m nuts, that I’m just wasting our money. I tell her she’s missing the point. I know I’m not going to win, but in that time between when I buy the ticket and the TV news trucks do not show up outside my home, my fantasy brain answers a question for me: What would I really do if I didn’t have to do all this other stuff?

For a while, this was an escape fantasy that involved loading my family into an old Volkswagen bus, hitting the road, and setting off to look for America. That ended when I actually managed to save up enough money to buy an old Volkswagen bus, an endeavor that did not lead to a tour of this country’s national parks but of its auto repair shops. The bus is gone. And so is the escape fantasy. I’m very happy in my life. If I need someone to confide in, I have my wife. All the pieces are here, except one — the guys. I’d like to think they’re also missing me and are just locked into this same prison of commitments. But I don’t want to wait until we’re all retired and can reconnect on a golf course. It feels silly to wait that long, and thanks to this stupid story, I know it’s quite dangerous. So I’m ready to steal a simple concept that doesn’t require lottery money.

A few years ago, shortly after I’d moved from the city to Cape Ann on the North Shore, I took a kayaking class run out of a shop in Essex. At some point, the man who owned the place, an older guy named Ozzy, said something in passing about how he couldn’t do something because he had “Wednesday night.” Slightly confused, I asked him what he was talking about, and he explained an idea to me that was so simple and profound that I resolved one day to steal it . . . when I got older. I think it’s time to admit I’m there.

“Wednesday night,” Ozzy explained, was a pact he and his buddies had made many years before, a standing order that on Wednesday nights, if they were in town, they would get together and do something, anything.

Everything about the idea seemed quaint and profound — the name that was a lack of a name (such a guy move); the placement in the middle of the week; the fact that they’d continued it for so long. But most of all, it was the acknowledgment from male friends that they needed their male friends, for no other reason than they just did.

I tried to reach Ozzy, but he takes the winters off to go skiing in California and the number I had was disconnected. When I tried to get an e-mail address from a mutual friend, I was told he didn’t do e-mail. This guy seems like he has some things figured out. So, Ozzy, I’m stealing Wednesday night.

Obviously, it’s not going to work every time, but experts say that even the act of trying to increase your friendships can benefit your health, so consider this the beginning of that. I’m OK with admitting I’m a little lonely. Doesn’t make me a loser. Doesn’t make you a loser.

Fellas, what are you doing this Wednesday? And the one after that? And the one after that? Consider it a standing invitation. Let’s do something together.

(via bg)

[suejenleymon]

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[datingadviceonreddit]

I'm not looking for abusive people, I'm not walking round with a 'fuck me over' sign on my forehead, it just seems there are a lot of not-so-nice people in the world whose behavior ranges from ghosting through to outright abuse. I think at my age (30's) the 'good ones' are taken so you're left with all the dregs of the dating pool with only a few 'good ones' to try to find, I also believe too many of us don't address our emotional baggage which can lead us to fuck-up other people.Then there's dating apps, which I think we can all agree are just terrible. Dating apps turn dating into something even more shallow, not just because it focuses on looks but it also makes people think of others as being more disposable - people are lonely but seek intimacy through one night stands over working on a relationship. But then the epidemic of loneliness makes it hard to meet people any other way, it just feels like an impossible task to get into a good relationship.When you've been screwed over by other people or faced abuse, when you're dealing with dating in the dating app generation, when you read though posts on reddit on what horrible things people do to their partners or you're just constantly hearing from others how they've been cheated on, abused, etc. How do you hold on to hope?I want to be hopeful, I don't want to add to the problem by being jaded, but it's so hard to stay positive. via /r/dating_advice

[b33viemm]

the loss of third places (parks, malls, stores, libraries, etc) is a huge contributor to the loneliness epidemic and a huge solution is better public transportation. Ageism (against both teens and the elderly), ableism, racism, classism, and capitalist bias are all deeply rooted in public transportation and urban/city planning. i could talk all day about this (the need to keep libraries open, malls BANNING teens from going, the idea of "loitering" as a crime), but yes, i agree you should do a post about the loss of third spaces due to poor urban design. its a pretty nuanced topic that delves again into all the bigotry i mentioned above, but its super important. our country was built on oppression.

I think that the loniness epidemic could ve significantly fought if we built high quality public transit