#lola and her queer grandchildren

[sullen-apple]

mabuhay household

the three siblings used to live in san myshuno—that is, until their parents died in an accident. after the funeral, their lola insisted they move to tomarang with her to start anew.

lola felicidad - 65 years old (materialistic, family-oriented, nosy) irene - 20 years old (loner, creative, perfectionist) reina - 18 years old (squemish, self-absorbed, outgoing) reign - 18 years old (foodie, lovebug, party animal)

[alteridolriley]

Long winded personal post, feel free to scroll

I've always wondered why I felt different to the world around me. Growing up, I wasn't particularly smarter or prettier than other people. I was average. I got average grades and did average things. But I always felt so distant to the world around me. People would cry at movies and I didn't (the only exception was seven year old me crying at the end of Titanic); people would keep grudges and I didn't; people would talk about others behind their back and I didn't. People always asked me how I didn't stay mad at others and honestly, I have no answer. I just didn't.

My dad would always ask me when I was gonna get a boyfriend. I realized I was gay when I first heard the definition of the word "gay" at 14 (I was a very sheltered child) and I would always tell him "I dont know. I dont really like boys." And he would respond "One day you will. And you'll have a cute little girl like you were when you were a baby." its been nearly 15 years, 4 serious relationships later, and the most happiest I've been is not with a man. But even then, people ask me "Are you in love? Do you want to get married?" As much as I know my current partner means the absolute world to me, the word "love" is really confusing. I dont honestly know how it feels. Like my other 3 serious relationships had some kind of mental and physical abuse so i wasn't sure what i felt with them. Was it love? I never got the butterflies or warmth in my chest like everyone says it feels like. I dont get that for my current partner either. But there is one thing I've always been able to gauge how much someone means to me:

If they left my life.

If I think about that with my current partner, I immediately begin to sob and it physically feels like my chest is going to break open. I begin to shake and tremble and break. It's not healthy but thats how I react.

My most recent ex? Leaving him was fine. No feelings at all. I didn't cry or cheer. I just said goodbye and now I barely talk to him anymore which is fine because he was an asshole to not only me but some of my best friends too.

Back to my father, I know he loves me and I have familial love for him too but he's very irritating. After getting with my current partner, he lamented that he will never have grandchildren (because I'm with a female bodied partner and my brother is probably aro/ace) and he constantly asks me where he went wrong and why I dont want kids. I've never said I dont want kids. Never have. I'm pretty sure I've said more often that I dont think I'm qualified for kids. Which I dont think means I dont want them. But it feels like all he wants out of me is to be his normal. Have kids, stay the same. I cant even color my hair without him being like "it was pretty as it was" over and over again. He'll compliment me but say it was prettier before. He wants me to dress more like a girl but I prefer gender neutral things even though I'm cisgender. I dont mind being female. I've never thought I was male but like if I cut my hair and someone thought I was a dude then they did you know? Like I honestly dont care what gender you think I am. Does that make me genderfluid/queer and not cis? I dont know. I dont want to label myself something unnecessarily.

I've been told too many times that "you're perfectly normal so stop making up things to make yourself different; you just wanna belong somewhere" so I've gotten to the point that while ADHD matches me to a damn T a lot of the times, I dont say I have it because i dont know if i do like... doctorally. My therapist thought I did but we couldn't confirm bc I couldn't keep going to see her. So yeah.

What's the point of this post? I dont know. The other night my partner and I were walking our dog (well more their dog than mine) Lola and in the city we live in there isn't much light pollution so you can see some stars. Looking at them gave me a sense of dread. I'm so small. So insignificant in a lot of ways. My impact on this earth doesn't really do anything. Learning to let people love and care about me has been difficult because I don't understand why they do. "Because you're you" who am i????? Who am i???? Seriously. I dont know who I am anymore. Or did i even know to begin with?? I get up, work a stupid job, go home, and sleep. I'm boring, annoy so many people with my problems, and just feel so... stupid all the time.

I want to make friends but at 28 years old I dont know how to talk to people. I'm so afraid of offending them I just stay at home. In my own mind. Scared of myself and any decisions I might have to make.

Most people have friends or at least acquaintances. They have a sense of self. I dont have that.

I wanted to be better this year. I wanted 2019 to be the year I understand myself but the more I think about it the more I'm afraid I won't. I'm afraid nothing will last. Because in the grand scheme of things what does it really matter?