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allisonmourning · 8 months ago

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🦋ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅˙ॱᐧ.˳˳.⋅ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅˙ॱᐧ.˳˳.⋅🦋

New song this week! However, I first need to give some updates on the Winter Butterfly remake.

Winter Butterfly is turning TEN(!!!!) this year. Originally, I was going to remake this album in celebration. However, things didn't go as planned, so I've decided to cancel the remake.

However, on Winter Butterfly's 10th anniversary (July 3rd), I will be releasing my new album, Phoenix. I will also be posting all of my old music for download. This is around the time that the Spinster remake and the original version will be uploaded to Youtube. So Winter Butterfly will technically still be coming out on the 10 year anniversary, but it'll be a re-release of the 2014 and 2017 versions.

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There's a few reasons the remake didn't work out. The short explanation is

(1) Producing/Mixing/Uploading Phoenix took all my time.

(2) Phoenix still isn't done. I want to use Rin on the Spinster remake, and I'm hoping I'll be able to afford her soon. Additionally, the other remake on Phoenix had a lot of key changes, so the guitar part took a long time to rewrite. I'm also currently experimenting with Glitch Hero for the drums, which is making the track take longer then usual.

(3) The amount of work Winter Butterfly needs just can't be done in 2 months. Partly because:

(4) Winter Butterfly has 2 track listings. One from 2014 and one from 2017. In 2017, I didn't want to release the same exact same album a second time. So I decided to take out all the slow songs that I (at the time) thought were boring and replaced them with newer songs that were a little more musically matured. With the exception of Trash lol. So if I were to release a "full" version of Winter Butterfly, the album would become a slog because of the over-representation of slow songs.

The other reason Winter Butterfly can't be done in 2 months is because

(5) Winter Butterfly isn't very cohesive. Hear Me/Epitaph are thematically consistent with My Suicide. Imogen is part of a series with Amnesia, Can't Let You Go, and Eternity. Sacrifice and Forgetting Me belong with Rivalry/Lies and Riverbanks/Decereus' Aria. Words Elude Me/The Meadow and Sarah Ann's Lullaby belong with To Save Him.

(6) I'm at a point where I kind of just want to move on. My plans in 2020 included remaking my old stuff one last time and finally putting those songs to rest. When I decided to come back to being a vocalo-p, my first instinct was to pick up where I left off. Especially since Winter Butterfly is turning 10 this year and I wanted to do some kind of 10 year edition. But when I started working on it, I was just overwhelmed.

So many songs on this album are divorced from their context. While recreating Sacrifice, for example, I found the songs that Sacrifice was created from: The Mystery Girl and the Kitten, Requiem, Opitus, and Family Secrets. Rather than put Sacrifice back into a Winter Butterfly remake, I think it would be more fulfilling to put it back into its original context, rather than release it with songs like Hear Me/Epitaph, The Bottom of the Lake, or Haunt Me.

Additionally, I turned 30 last October. The oldest lyrics on Winter Butterfly, The Bottom of the Lake, were written when I was 14. That's more than half my life ago! The earliest songs from this album (Sarah Ann's Lullaby, Forgetting Me, Sacrifice) have lyrics that were written when I was 18 and music that was written when I was 19.

From this point onward, I think I'm going to focus on new music. I'll probably integrate some remakes into future albums (like I'm doing with Spinster and the other unannounced song). But some songs need to be fully re-contextualized. Other songs just need to be completely broken down and their parts re-used.

If anyone was looking forward to this release, I'm sorry it ended up not working out. I hope the release of Phoenix and the upload of my discography will make up for it 🖤🖤🖤

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To anyone who's read this far: THANK YOU. I know that was a lot of text. Now here's some info on the song I'll be releasing on Friday :)

The Forbidden Fruit started out as a song called Whore. It took a lot of influence from symphonic and gothic metal artists who've incorporated Latin choirs, like Epica, Within Temptation, Evanescence, and Theatre of Tragedy. The Theatre of Tragedy song doesn't have a choir, but it still illustrates how ubiquitous Latin is in gothic metal.

The Lady Parsec demo of Whore was first shared on Youtube in 2018. The first demo vocalist was Miku, then it was changed to Cyber Diva. When I was researching Latin phrases, I accidentally used a fraternity's motto, leading to a necessity in replacing the Latin lyrics OTL

This year (2024), the lyrics were entirely rewritten to be more metaphorical and to utilize the characters/motifs that I've been introducing since my rebrand.

Lyrically, The Forbidden Fruit draws on many songs I've released in the past. Every day this week, I'll be uploading a demo that's either referenced in or a thematic precursor to The Forbidden Fruit. Since this is a post related to Winter Butterfly, the first demo I'll be sharing is the Winter Butterfly 2017 version of Blood and Wine.

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#🎵#Blood and Wine #2017 #Prima #Megurine Luka #Megurine Luka V4 #Winter Butterfly 2017 #Grey Skies

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nightswithkookmin · 4 years ago

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First, this is my THIRD TIME I send you my question. If you don't response I move.

Second, why still jikook shippers exist when jimin & jungkook was barely communicate. The fact, we can't ignore that, jimin & Jungkook avoid each other. Something between them was not good. I really miss their genuine interaction. Other hand Jk seems normal with other members. WHY?

👀 Ok but I'm really doing my best here 😒

There's literally 400 plus unanswered Asks in my inbox. If I answered one Ask each day it will still take like a whole year to clear my inbox and there will still be some unanswered Asks sitting in there.

Besides, I think I have answered this exact question? I have said I believe Jikook experienced a hiccup in their relationship between October and November last year post JM's birthday but I don't believe they broke up. Not sure how many times you want me to repeat that.

Most of the content with 'no interaction' and 'tension' between them were filmed around the same period within this timeline.

I will uploading a blog on that timeline soon. I have a rough draft of it sitting in my drafts somewhere. I've been answering a lot of Asks lately and I just haven't had time to write an actual blog post. Sigh.

Why Jikook Shippers still exist...

I ask myself this question every single day darling- why do people still ship Jikook when Jikook is more than a ship? They should be supporting them not just shipping them.

Also, I don't think real Jikook supporters support Jikook just because they interact. Those are the shippers. The trad shippers as I like to call them. I support Jikook because they are queer first and foremost and secondly because they are in love with eachother.

Just because they 'don't interact' in a moment, on camera, don't make them all of a sudden straight. It doesn't work like that.

Jimin is my bias and I know beyond a shadow of doubt he is queer. I love him more for it. I really love him more for it. You have no idea. I am not going to withdraw my support for him as an LGBTQ plus member in a conservative space just because he isn't interacting on camera with another member. That's just silly.

The love between them isn't going anywhere anytime soon. As long as they both want it and they both go out of their way to nurture it, it will always be there. I think that's what you should be paying attention to- whether or not they are nurturing their bond outside their interactions on camera during this period.

Because if they are not, then that's when they will become a real fanservice ship. No shade to a certain ship��

JIMIN AND JK AVOID EACHOTHER. WHY?

Well damn I got nothing. Lol. My crystal ball is on the fritz. Would have to call Dumbledore for assistance. Help, Dumbledore! Lol.

Jokes aside, I see what you mean. But I keep saying Jikook are not broken up. It hasn't been smooth sailing all 7 years you know- ok take a few years. I don't think it will be either going forward either.

Jikook are not jikooking all the time. It's part of the contract they have with us. Lol. Sometimes it's because they are having relationships problems, other times it's their environment, a producer they ain't vibing with, bad hair day, the members getting on their nerves- a myriad of reasons Anon. A ton. I can only speculate. Could be anything from a break up to a lost change. Know what I mean?

They do have issues from time to time. They are human too. Sometimes they hide it behind smiles and perform knock off versions of their bond for us.

Other times they choose not to perform their bond, especially if whatever they are dealing with is serious- if it is, they set boundaries and respect eachother's boundaries to allow them to emotionally process and deal.

Most times too they push and poke at eachother's boundaries till the other cave. Especially if one of them feel whatever is getting in their way is a trivial issue.

During Jin's birthday VLive in December, they sounded a lot like they were enjoying eachother's company to me- apart from the part JM was throwing shade at us left right left, I didn't sense any tension between them then.

Chilee JM, whatever did we do to you?🤧

All we did was call you 'a liar' once and now you just keep rubbing your relationship in our face?😥 You really didn't have to tell us you were with Jungkook when Jin put you on speaker.😒 You really didn't. You knew he was putting you on speaker. Acting like Jin was bothering you or something. I see you. Smirk.

Their moments at GDA and the end of year award shows were equally telling of the state of their relationship.

In some content post Grammy you could see them hanging in the background playing games and what not.

Arriving together at KBS in the same car at 5am, leaving set together at 1am and heading lord knows where- cough, Itaewon.

Then this happened... was JK high? Chilee.

Like I know my bias is sexy and fine but JK you don't have to be scanning him like that😭

I've been saying, Jikook 'relax' in certain contents, act serious in others- as they should. They literally had the GMA performance before this shoot and people were screaming there was tension between them and what not and that JK seemed mad at Jimin. Mad bunny where?! Lmho.

The 'less open' one in that performance was JM not JK. To me. I felt he was putting up a tough exterior, acting like he don't kiss ass in that time period. Not sure if it was the haircut or his inner shadow hunter but something had shifted in him. Lol.

You could tell JK really wanted to show off their bond and chemistry in that event, and had perhaps wanted JM to engage like he'd done with him in previous performances?

But JM wasn't doing none of that for whatever reason- No, I don't think it was because he was mad at JK.

He just wasn't on his Jikook agenda.

They enjoy eachother and when they get lost in a moment it's usually for them not us. But they know and are well aware we like their bond and we love to see it. You'd often hear them, JM especially, ask the fans if they like certain moments especially after he's interacted with JK in a certain way or shared certain intimate details about their relationship with fans at fansigns.

They troll us, they tease us, they include us in certain moments- Jk deliberatly stealing JM's tear stained tissue( a reenactment of a popular Korean sitcom where a creepy ass lady stole her crushes used tissue to convey she adored him) him pointing at JM to indicate he desires JM, slowly taking off his shirt while holding JM's gaze, the you are me, I am you, what's tasty in Busan and all these other moments.

They each have their own Jikook agenda. But they are both not always in on it. Sometimes JM has no idea what JK is up to, other times it's JK who's clueless. Like the Holiday remix video where JK bolted after that intense fanservice moment with JM.

I don't think he knew JM was going to do what he did. It was shock and desire rolled into one for him. I just know it. Lmho.

As I said, the director probably had whispered something in JM's ear and had asked him to give them a moment.

JK was probably having wedding dreams flashbacks. His entire Itaewon gay future flashed before his eyes. I'm dead. Lmho.

Jk'd initiate in moments where JM wasn't initiating (during performances) and he'd bump shoulders or just shamelessly wrap his hands around Jimin and have a moment.

Same energy from JK different periods in the timeline- one before Grammy, one after.

May be you should be paying close attention to the things they do when they 'don't interact?' What they do when they do interact. Who initiates, whether the other reciprocates or not etc? The setting and environment equally counts as well.

Literally these two contents were filmed on the same day but half the fandom was screaming there was something off with Jikook in one just because Jikook didn't touch eachother.

JK was hesitating to initiate skinship with JM in one content, but didn't in the other- on the same day. What gives??

Contents filmed with Suga, Tae in dark hair, JM with an undercut were all filmed after 11th October and before 3rd November when Suga had his Surgery.

Content with JM in blue hair were filmed after 24th November.

JK's mood was pretty consistent to me till the pop up in late October, the holiday remix filmed after 3rd November but before Grammy, the Grammy reaction on 24th November and the recent run which was also filmed after Grammy where he seemed mostly closed off to JM's Jikook agenda- do you see what I mean when I say all those moments on 'tension' you and others mention were filmed within the same period?

Jimin's reaction has equally been consistent, going from putting up a tough exterior to being mellow and somewhat humbled or subdued.

Make of it what you will.

Not sure what you mean by genuine interactions. I think you have to embrace all aspects of them and their relationship. They have 'genuine' moments, they have fan service moments, they have good days, they have bad days. Sometimes they don't interact at all.

It's ok to miss them. But don't demand that they change or interact in a certain way to suit your shipping desires. That's dangerous.

They are human.

Signed,

GOLDY

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akvtsuki-ari · 5 years ago

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Sweetheart (Ch.2)

Warnings: smut!, choking, uhh insecuity maybe??, sub!spencer, dom!reader, talks of bdsm protocol

Length: 4.2k

Authors Note: heyyy yall. i feel like i haven’t uploaded in DAYS idk why. another chapter of this fic bc i love it a lot but my next fic will be a dom!spence oneshot that i can’t get out of my head lol. this chapter is kinda open conversation

Plot Summary: Spencer can’t stop thinking of you but he’s too nervous to do anything about it. You’ve got doubts that only he can fix and he has questions only you can answer. Spencer really likes being choked, apparently.

Ch. 1

Look at you baby, your lashes are so long, aren't they? Such a pretty boy," your voice rings out softly in Spencer's ears. A light sheen of sweat coats his chest as he feels your fingers around his dick, his throat caught - words disappearing from him.

"Fuck - please, Miss I'm gonna -," Spencer's voice is broken when he feels an orgasm wash over him.

Then of course, Spencer wakes up. Sunlight hitting his eyes as he blinks himself awake. He can feel it in his pajama pants, still not having registered the content of his dream before he looks down to see the massive mess. It's managed to happen a 3rd time, and its only been a week. Spencer shuts his eye in disdain as he stands up, pulling his pants off and tossing them in a hamper before he heads into the shower.

Spencer hates cold showers, he remember this fact as the water beats down on his back as he washes himself up. He washes his hair while he tries to compartmentalize the situation.

Like Spencer mentions, it's the 3rd time he's had a dream that wakes him up in such a pleasant way. You two had been dating for 2 ish months now, but Spencer chokes everytime you try and take things further. You never give him shit for it, which is more than relieving to him. You always reassure him that the two of you can take your time and that it's okay if he doesn't want it right away.

You were an angel, he knew that for sure but Spencer did want it. He was just, well - as nervous as a person could be. He still hasn't really talked to you about any of that, not about how it would work the first time the two of you did.. it. He didn't even know if you still wanted that - he'd been too petrified to ask if you still wanted to dominate him or if maybe that'd change now that you actually knew him. He didn't even know how to bring it up, or if there was a time for him to do just that. The whole thing filled him with such intense anxiety, he just didn't bring it up at all.

But, he wants to go further with you. He likes you so fucking much - of course he wanted to go further with you. He figured you knew that.

You didn't, really. You figured Spencer found you unattractive to some extent so he just kept putting off sleeping with you. It felt like a juvenile insecurity to have but well - he always reacts so poorly anytime you take this further. You knew he was anxious but there was always that self-loathing voice that told you that it was your fault, that he just didn't find you attractive enough. You pretended it didn't hurt since you like him so much, but it was starting to take it's toll.

On both ends, it was a fucking mess. Neither of you really knew why it was a mess for the other person, but it sure was one.

Spencer gets out of the shower when he hears a knock on the door. His eyes flit up to his analog clock on the wall, you were here right in time, Spencer thinks. He throws on an oversized sweater and some jeans that you bought for him. He liked them but he only really wore them cause you like them so much.

Spencer can't help the butterflies that fill his stomach when he sees you. Your eyes are dolled up in this pretty dark eye shadow, and red lipstick. You're pretty, dark and pretty but still pretty. The makeup was just new. Spencer feels like he's choking as he looks at your smiling expression Spencer shuts the door behind you as he lets you in.

"You ready to get brunch?," you ask Spencer. He dries his hair off and finds something to style it with as he walks back into the bathroom. All stuff that's new that you've introduced him too. He likes using the stuff that you told him to use though cause it makes his hair look less greasy.

"Yeah, but we've got some time before then - right?," Spencer ask. You smile and nod your head as you walk up behind Spencer, wrapping your arms around his waist. He feels small - your actual size unimportant to the way you make him feel. You pat his sweater down, hands dangerously close to his waist as you look at him, eyes gleaming. You give him a small grin when you peak over, as Spencer's eyes meet yours in a small blush. Your hands find themselves underneath his sweater, brushing his waist as you sway into him. Spencer focuses so much on doing his hair, just trying not to get hard.

"What should we do in that time?," you ask, mostly to yourself. You know Spencer probably won't do what you were thinking of doing. Spencer just blushes before shrugging, finished fixing up his hair as he moves away from your touch. You're a little hurt, not tryng to let it show as he walks back out into his living room, you following suit.

"I think they're playing some animal planet re-reruns," Spencer suggests. You give Spencer a small, half-hearted smile.

"Yeah sure," you say softly. You don't mean to be disappointed because you really do respect Spencer boundaries. You don't ever wanna do something that he's not a 100% down for and you just like him so much it doesn't matter. You had to admit though - god, you wanted to fuck his brains out and the fact that he may not return those feelings hurt a little more than your ego wanted to admit. Spencer seems to sense your disheartened demeanor, and with trying to ignore his immediate panic he looks over to you as you lean into him on the couch. He moves away from you for a few moments to look at you, and you turn to him confused.

"Are you okay?," Spencer asks concern. You give him a small smile and nod, taking his hands in yours and playing with his fingers. Spencer looks at you for a while longer before you begin to talk.

"It's nothing serious - it's kinda silly actually, so we don't -,"

"Hey," Spencer pauses. You look up at him, his eyes so full of concern. You can't help the way your heart melts, leaning up to meet Spencer's lips for a second. You look at the clock, still a good hour before the two of you have your plans. You sigh, looking down into your lap before you speak.

"I just wanna say first, that I totally respect any and all of your boundaries regarding sex - and I would never, ever pressure you into something you don't wanna do," you say slowly. Spencers nerves crawl up his back but he waits for you to continue.

"But uhm, well - I don't know, I guess I just wanna know if you still, well or if you ever wanted to sleep with me. Like ah, you know, maybe you found me unattractive. I mean, I get it - I guess I'd uhm, just wanna know beforehand," you trail off, unsure of how to say your comments. Spencers a little incredulous - did you genuinely think the reason he'd been avoiding sex was because you weren't attractive to him? Spencer just shakes his head violently, wanting to say so much but not wanting to scare you away with his words.

"Well, uhm - no it's not that at all. I think you're super attractive, and I defintely want to.. you know - with you I mean," Spencer starts, feeling the way your hand tightens around his instinctevely. This the most vunerable you've been with Spencer in your relationship so he wants to make sure you know how much he cares

"I have dreams about it, like all the time recently. I really like you, and I really do think you're very beautiful, I guess I'm just - nervous, you know? I don't know what to do, especially since we've never done that before and we met under such.. interesting circumstances. I don't know how to approach it,"

"You have wet dreams about me?," you say, a little too excited for your own good. Spencer blushes before nodding.

"Huh, I just openly admitted that didn't I? To answer your question, yes - I had one before you came over," Spencer remembers. You give him a cheeky grin and he hides his face in his head, groaning. You only laugh, pull them away before kissing his knuckles. You were more than pleased to hear this info. You stand and sit down in Spencers lap, hands on the side of his face. He gives you a small, gentle smile.

"It's okay if you're not ready to talk about sex at all, but it may help if we cover general BDSM code and standard. Nothing has to be decided or talked about if you don't want, but maybe just going over it will ease your mind up," you say softly to Spencer. His nerves settles as you continue to reassure him - your behavior is so perfectly soothing. The hand on his back, the softness in your voice and your reassurance, Spencer knew you were experienced but he was still impressed. Spencer just nods, letting you pepper kisses all over his face that made his expression scrunch up. Cute. Spencer was so cute.

"Yeah, that sounds good," Spencer manages to push out. You give him a warm smile. You move away to sit next to him, still maintaining physical contact but clearly becoming more serious.

"The most important thing to know is that everyone practices BDSM differently. There are two common standard procedures that people use, however - safe, sane, and consensual is the most common. It's just saying that both parties are participating in something that is just as it implies, and it prioritizes safety. Knowing you, I'm sure you've read up on most of this, but it doesn't hurt to explain," you say softly. Spencer nods, he did already know a lot of what you were talking about.

"The other is 'Risk-Aware Consensual Kink,' which is where both parties are participating in something they knew could have consequences that are harmful. In both situations - both parties need to be aware and understand the lengths of whatever they're participating in. It's the core of all BDSM practice, and since this is all new for you - let me be clear that your safety and sanity come first to me always. BDSM is a psychological thing at heart so making sure you're okay is firs priority," you clarify. Spencer is in awe by how.. well-spoken you were about it. He knew you were experienced but it was more than you let on. Spencer just nods, unsure of what to say.

"You've actually done this before, but the same goes for me - you know," Spencer adds. You give him a sweet kiss which he returns.

"Thank you, love. With all that, the way you assure someone's safety is obviously having discussions about limits but also by developing a safeword and system to make sure that a scene can stop at any point. It's especially important to make sure that those words are a out of place. You shouldn't use words like "Stop," or "No," as safewords because in some peoples play they refuse something as a part of foreplay or a part of the scene. Maybe a submissive whose being bratty is refusing something but they're okay with it happening - thats when a safeword can come in. If a partner at any point wants to tap out, they use that word," you explain.

Spencer nods in understanding, he didn't even think about people using those words for the purposes of foreplay or whatever else. He gives you a curious look, as you lean back. Instinctively, Spencer moves himself to lay his head on your lap which you'd sorta pavloved onto him. You'd always pat your lap when you wanted Spencer to do it, and at first it was so embarrassing but you'd do it so much he just sorta got used to it. You run your hands through his hair, the other one on his chest. His face is a little hot.

"For me, I like the stoplight system - Red meaning stop completely, yellow meaning slow down and let's talk about this, and green meaning go, I'm totally down for this. I like that system because it's a lot easier to get a sense of how the other person wants the scene to go, and if I want to try something, I can ask my submissive 'Color?,' and they can respond however they like. If they say yellow, I can break character and ask them whats up which can give them some real reassurance. Every submissive is different, but this sytem is really universal and easy to keep up with, " you say lovingly, patting Spencers chest rhythmically. You look down at his expression with serious eyes.

"Listen to me carefully when I say this my love - if we participate in a scene and there is a single doubt about what's happening, you use one of your safewords no questions asked. Using your words with me or any other signals may discuss is so important and it doesn't make you a bad submissive - okay? We are equals, always. Even if you want me to step on you, or call you pathetic - we are still equals and always will be, okay pretty boy?," you say in a stern, but loving voice. Spencer just nods, softly - so far he doesn't have many questions though he's sure that'll change at some point. Spencer nods, leaning his face into your hand as you cup his cheek. You lean down and place a kiss on his lips.

"I know I've been talking a lot, but lemme hear your thoughts, yeah? Anything," you ask Spencer.

"It's weird - I've done so much research on safe BDSM practices and understand all this stuff in theory but it seems so different in practice," Spencer comments lightly. You nod, letting him continue.

"One thing that I did notice was that you use If/When scenarios about you dominating me and I wasn't really sure what that was about. We are girlfriend and boyfriend, doesn't that sorta just imply you are my dom?," Spencer asks. You give him a pat on the chest before you go into explanation.

"It certainly helps that we're dating but you and your submission is something to be earned. We've never discussed in length until today, but of course - I was hoping that you'd want that from me. It's really just like an everyday relationship, but a lot more involved in trust and respect. We have a strong romantic connection which is really lovely, because it builds a lot of that trust and respect that you need to practice BDSM healthily and safely. I wanna lead you so I can see you grow, and hopefully, you wanna submit to me out of respect - those sorts of things," you say, playing with Spencer's hands. Spencer just nods, looking up at you.

"Will you be my dom, then? I want you to be. I don't think I could really imagine it being anyone else," Spencer asks out of the blue. You weren't expecting the question so suddenly, or the way your heart rips through your chest hearing it. It's so simple and innocent when Spencer asks.

"I mean, I'd love too but are you really sure? I mean -," you try to think of a reason for Spencer to say no but you really cant. Spencer just smiles at you, sitting up to look at you completely.

"I trust you so much because I know you'd never do anything to hurt me on purpose - I mean unless I asked but, you know what I mean. I'm more sure than I was about asking you to be my girlfriend because you're just a trustworthy person. You're smart and kind and lovely all around. I know I'm new to this but theres no one I trust more than you to teach me. I really like you," Spencer says warmly. You wrap your arms around him, avoiding the tears in your eyes. Spencer is so sweet, reassuring by nature and it makes your heart yearn.

"Well, then - yes, I'd love to be your dom. And to answer your question about what we do for the first time, it'll be rather purely vanilla. No hijinks, just regular sex - since it's your first time partaking in BDSM with someone else, we gotta go really slowly so you don't have to worry. It might make you a little impatient but have faith in the process," you explain softly. Spencer is relishing in the fact that you know so much - you seem to have such a tight grasp on what you were doing he had no urges to question you. You lead so naturally, you don't demand anything from him but still, Spencer follows you. Spencer would follow you into the darkness if you kept speaking to him like that.

"We'll discuss things slowly and we'll make it really easy, okay? Once I get to know you a little more in bed, we can plan and talk about our first scene. It takes time to figure this stuff out, you know," You play with Spencers hair as you look over to the clock. 27 ish minutes before you two went out for brunch. Spencer sits up, face flush as he opens his mouth to try and ask you for what he wanted - now that he knew what was on the table his mind was thinking of everything he was missing. All the touches he was aching for you to give him. Spencers eyes were a little lost as he tries to explain to you.

"Can we -? I mean, would you, you know - uhm," Spencer voice can't get the words out. You give Spencer a small smile as he leans back into the couch. You pull your dress up, straddling Spencer's lap, and Spencer's throat dries up. He can't speak as he feels your heat up against his jeans. He's hard nearly immediately, a painful feeling for his dick up against the tight denim. Spencer stares up at you startled, a playful smile on your face. You place your hands on Spencers chest, feeling him up before settling your hands on the side of his face base of his neck. You lean in slowly, breath brushing Spencers ears as he heart pounds against his chest. His body felt a little out of control, and you just seemed to be so comfortable Spencer didn't know how to deal. He's so aware of the where your fingers seem to linger around his neck - he wants to blurt out "Choke me, please," but the words seems to disappear when he opens his mouth.

"You want me to touch you, Spencer?," you ask softly. Spencer nods violently and you can't help but laugh, maintaining eye contact for a few agonizing seconds. You lean in to kiss Spencer as your hands work the zipper of his jeans, your fingers making indirect contact with Spencer's cock. He whines aloud - he's sensitive, apparently. You can't help your pleased reaction as you pull his erection of his boxers - the tip is swollen, you can feel it ache under your touch. Spencer's eyes roll up in the back of his head, despite you having barely done anything for him at all.

"How fast do you think you can get off, baby?,"

Baby. Fuck, Spencer liked when you called him that. It was so natural to you, and Spencer just sighs.

"Fast," Spencer admits, a little embarrassed. He'd never needed to cum that quickly before in his life, yet here you were making him feel like he'd break at any second if you touch him too long. He was an adult but the thought of having sex with his girlfriend made him feel like he was gonna fucking combust.

"I cum first today, hope that's okay with you," you tell Spencer warmly. He gives you a nod, he's more than okay with that. You guide his wrist under your dress, feeling his hands palm through your panties. You moan quietly, and Spencers pleased with himself. It's hard for you to not just tell him to lay back so you can sit on his face - because god did you wanna do that.

"You lead the way," you joke to Spencer, more just telling him that he has permission to do his thing. Spencer just nods, as you lean into his neck to bite hickies into it. Spencers hands are careful with you, two fingers pressed against your clit as he rubs circular motions, his other hand holding your waist steady.

"A little faster, love," you ask Spencer. He just nods as he hears your voice, soft sighs falling from your lips as you feel your orgasm build in your core. Spencer likes you so much, he's so eager to please you in every way so when you finally reach your orgasm, Spencer doesn't hesitate on letting you ride out your high. His dick is pulsating against your thigh, as you finish up and flutter your eyes open to look at him. Spencer gives you a small smile, eyes looking for your approval as you give him a lazy smile.

Spencer watches you pick your bag up from the couch, laughing as he sees you pull out a condom. He gives you a look of surprise and you just shrug, rolling it on for him.

Your lipsticks mostly on but smudged a bit as you kiss Spencer, lifting your hips up before settling back around Spencer's cock. You feel so good around him, the feeling of your lingering orgasm gripping him tight makes him choke. You ride Spencer with ease, hands around the base of his neck. Fuck - Spencer wants you to choke him so bad.

"Choke me, please," Spencer spits out. You give Spencer a look.

"Are you sure, love?,"

Spencer strains for a second, feeling his orgasm coming at him full speed before squeezing out another "please". You debate for a second, but you figure non-kinky couples do this all the time and you tighten your hands around the base of his neck.

Spencer relishes the way the air leaves his lungs and doesn't return. He loves the way you look at him when you do it, the way you adore how much he's under control. He tries to calm down but before he can think, his orgasm shoots up his spine as he looks at you pleadingly. You purposefully clench around him and Spencer's leg twitches underneath you. Your grip on his neck releases immediately and he misses the feeling of you around his neck, cumming into the condom with a heavy sigh.

"I really like you," Spencer breathes out as you cum. You bubble up with laughter as you kiss his cheek, a little red pair of lips sitting on it. He goes to wipe it off but you stop his hand, grabbing his wrist.

"Leave it," you say, an edge to your voice. Spencer can't help but nod, touching it carefully as you slip off of him. You pull off the condom for Spencer, throwing it in the trashcan of his bathroom before heading to his bathroom with your bad. Spencer follows suit, wiping himself clean with a wet-wipe before tucking himself back into his jeans. Spencer watches you fix your makeup in the mirror, as he clings onto you in the mirror. You turn to him, wetting your lips before kissing that same spot, then using your little brush to put powder on it. You smile, leaning up to kiss him on the lips. He wraps his arms around your waist instinctively.

"Now it'll stay put. And, I really like you too," you say, rubbing his back as he hugs you. He may have been tall but he clings to you like a big baby. It was so damn endearing.

Spencer's heart beats so loudly in his chest. You were so lovely, you smelled good, and tasted nice and were so sweet to Spencer. Spencer liked you so fucking much, he just wanted to stay like this forever and the best part was you liked Spencer too. The way you rubbed his back, soothing him and humming as you gave him the affection he always dreamed of made him feel more happy than he could imagine. When he pulls away and you look at him, you place your hands on the side of his face and smile.

"You're so pretty, doc," you say. Doc - you only called him that when you felt affectionate. Spencer blushes.

"So are you,"

If you two didn't have a brunch reservation, Spencer was sure the two of you would stay like this forever. Not that he really minded, anyway.

#spencer reid #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid smut #spencer reid oneshot #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #criminal minds smut #Criminal Minds #criminal minds fluff #criminal minds self insert #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds x y/n #dsjkfhkje idk

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prorevenge · 4 years ago

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A stranger scammed me out of $300 online. I tracked him down, called his dad's work phone, and got my money back.

Long post, TL;DR below. Early last year I was deep in depression, spending the Spring in my room (I work in a seasonal industry which pays just enough to live on during the off months.)

All I did was play video games all day which led to me getting into game marketplace sites and planning on starting a side hustle selling in game items and accounts in MMos. I was brand new to the "industry" and didn't have contacts to learn from, so I just went for it and posted my first listing. I got a few hits back early and found an interested "buyer" (I'll refer to him later as C) who told me he was ready to purchase.

The way these transactions are supposed to go is this: A reputable middleman (There were several known MM in the community that I joined) takes in the product and the payment, verifies both, then distributes both ways after taking a cut for their services. This circumvents the "you first" prolem where you have to trust solely in the other guy to not scam you. -Well.. They impersonated a middleman well enough to fool me. I admit that it was 100% on me, I didn't know what I was doing. I just wanted to start selling so bad and I was glad to see quick hits on my first listing.

So, the "middleman" (To this day I don't know if there was a 3rd person acting as middleman or if it was C all along) takes the buyer's money, then the product which was a high ranked account in a popular competitve game. Suddenly, the MM says there was a problem with the payment and it needs to be redone.

At this point I know game's over and I just got scammed, but I went along with it as a sad parting gift to my first "sale." I message C and asked him how this was going to go. He told me he'll just direct paypal me the $300 now and apologized, which didn't make sense to me (you already scammed me, why haven't you blocked me yet?) I gave him my paypal email.

Conversation goes like this: C- "Sent." Me- "repeats my email same email correct?" C- "F%@& I sent it to the wrong email. I'll call paypal." Me- 3 minutes later "Are you going to send me $300 or no?" C- "I only had $450 in my paypal account, they should be able to refund me over the phone." Me- 5 minutes later "Okay. Progress?" C- "On the phone with them." Me 10 minutes of silence later- ":D" Then he goes offline. I call the MM several times but he's standoffish and won't pick up saying "something something privacy.. you arent giving me a reason to pick up the call." It's clear he's not being real with me.

I don't know what to do at this point as I've never encountered a sudden loss of hard work like that. I'm not a drinker at all but that night when faced with that emptiness while trying to get out of depression, I hit the bottle hard.

The next day I woke up naked on my bathroom floor in the pitch black and sheepishly checked my PC to see if it really happened. Without any hope at all I started googling this kid's two usernames that I knew of. I scanned the internet for every site that had an account with the same username that he used, but only found more scam reports (yep, I wasn't his first victim.) So I gave up.

A week later I came back and did it all over again, but this time I thought to check his discord profile to see if he had any other profiles linked to it (steam, twitch, etc.) and the genius did. I checked his steam profile and wrote down each of his past usernames that looked unique and wouldn't pull a million results.

After hours of scanning each one, I had his name, age (teenager,) city, email, skype, knew he went to chess tournaments as a kid, liked neopets, and found a youtube channel with his class project videos on it. It still wasn't enough though. All the information got me was another two contact methods, and I didn't want to start harassing him.

He ghosted me and emailing him wasn't going to change that. If I was going to get my money back, I needed to contact his parents and I knew this all along. In a last ditch effort I googled his emails again, found his google+ profile, and saw that he had a public photo library (which was discontinued by google very shortly after all this happened.) It had 1 picture. A perfect view of his house, from the street. Street number in view. After some searching without finding much I clicked "More info" on the picture and the the geo-tagged coordinates attatched to the picture appeared.

So now I have the address which I google along with the last name, which leads to me getting the first & last names of both parents. I pop that into trusty whitepages and have everything I need to spring my plan into action. While all this was going on I was updating my friend who lives in the same area as C. He asked if I wanted him to call since he had the same area code. It lined up perfectly so I agreed.

At this point I realize it's March 30th, just two days before April fools and C could probably play this off as some elaborate joke played by his friends so I call my friend off. It was so hard to wait, but we did and we waited long enough that it couldn't be looked at as a joke at all.

Two weeks later in a discord call I give my friend the green light and he calls phone #1. The cell. After a little ringing it cuts to voicemail and we decide to try phone #2, the work phone. This time the phone rang for significantly longer but also cut to voicemail and the message before the beep confirmed we had the right dad. My friend leaves a message saying "Hello Mr. ______, this is _ ______ with (marketplace name's) collection department. We currently have multiple fradulent activity cases open with your son C, totalling x thousands of dollars (I added up all the reports against him which were posted on the site and it totalled thousands, even talked to a couple people who he targeted.) At the moment we're reviewing the most recent case which involved a $300 transaction. If you could please, get back to us between 9am-10pm to resolve these cases. Thank you" All that was paraprased but that was his message.

He was very professional and seemed legit, and even though the dad might listen to it and ignore it we didn't think that was going to happen. It's worth noting that they live in a nice area of a nice state, so there was less of a chance that this would be a financial burden and the parents would likely just want to clear this up.

Two days later, while playing video games (yeah I had a problem.) I get a contact request notification. MY BOY C!

He tells me that he's a good person and he wants to give the account back. I check it and he played 10 games and lost each one which deranked and devalued the account (at this point I pretty much knew his parents were standing over his shoulder watching everything that was said. I could've even been speaking to them directly.) So I told him the account devalued, and I either want what he stole from me (the account at a higher rank) or I want $300. He told me he'll give me the account AND $300 (Parents coming through in the clutch!)

We went through a lot of hoops, trying paypal which he couldn't get to work, a few others and finally got google pay to work after troubleshooting stupid problems which I attriubted to him stalling. It was clear that they were scared of me since I got their info (and regularly called him by his first name throughout the convo as a power move lol) but I assured them I wasn't a bad person and told them to be extra safe of what you upload, especially if you're trying to scam people because when money is involved bad things can happen (playing into his parents who were surely reading it.) I explained the public Google+ upload of their clear to see geo-tagged house which I'm sure his they weren't happy about.

After he sent the money he asked for confirmation that I received it. I confirmed saying "YOU F** DID IT! SO PROUD OF YOU, C!" and he immediately went offline. I danced up and down the hallway and it was probably embarrasingly bad but I didn't care. I don't think the smile was gone from my face for an hour. It was a month long process and with the help of my friend the money was back. I haven't seen my friend in person since then, but when I do I owe him a top notch steak. He refused when I sent him $ online.

Instead of trying to resell the account and start back up in the marketplace I abandoned it all and went another way. I'm currently training for the military and in a much better place, but still have a long way to go.

A lot was left out of this story but it was a long one. I have screenshots of our conversations and I surely won't ever forget it.

TL;DR - I tried selling a video game account to see if I could make a new side hustle and got scammed since I was dumb, inexperienced and decided to trust the internet. I got scammed and took it hard but the scammer left too much of his info public and after a little bit of elbow grease I was able to obtain his & his parent's info and left his dad a voicemail. Two days later the scammer contacted me and gave me the money and the account back, apologizing. I learned from it.

(source) story by (/u/dstrezzd)

#prorevenge #by /u/dstrezzd #pro revenge #revenge stories #pro revenge stories #pro #revenge #last10

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wexhappyxfew · 4 years ago

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hey, i know this is a huge ask, but i think it would be great if at some point (maybe after landslide is complete) if you could do one of those writing tip books like the ones on wattpad? i absolutely adore your writing style, and how well structured all of your stories are. i am really struggling with the character development side of writing at the moment (and i’m sure lots of people will struggle with plotting) but you are sooo good at it! i just think it would help a lot of people, including me, if you could give us a few tips! all i want to become better at writing, and i think it would really help! again, it is a huge ask, but out of all the band of brothers books on wattpad and tumblr, yours are just about my favourite, and i would love it if you did consider my suggestion! 💖

HELLO ANON!!! First of all thank you for making my morning :D The past few weeks haven’t been the greatest, but we all have those weeks - but I treated myself to some coffee from Dunkin this morning and I’m listening to some music, vibin, and just slowly getting my morning started since I have some schoolwork to complete! So, this is what really made my morning, just everything you said truly - I can’t begin to even thank you! Writing is such a huge passion of mine and for years it has been the thing I can come to when my mind is scrambled and I feel I have nothing to really focus on - writing brings me right back!

THANK YOU OMG!! That means the world that you enjoy my writing style! I have to say, it has developed incredibly (just from my own personal point of view because man a few years back it was a SIGHT TO BEHOLD LMAO!!) and truly, with who I am, I’m proud of where I am with my writing and where I’ve come from! Part of growing as a writer is simply just writing, in massive chunks and learning what you like, what you don’t, and what YOU want to write and read. In 2020 I wrote over 800,000 words and I went through 3 different fics last year and I can 100% see the changes in myself as a writer (and it was worth it!). AWE THANKS :,) I really try to structure my stories through a reader POV, with saying “okay, how will a reader view this, does it flow and make sense for the reader?” Because I know that I know everything as the writer in the opening chapters, but the reader doesn’t and I have to make sure when I start incorporating ideas that are larger that I don’t complicate it to the point of complete confusion (if that makes sense!)

I actually have considered many times before doing a ‘writing tip’ book! Currently, though I have Landslide on a roll and FFTB (a future BOB WIP) up and coming, I have branched into Original works and other fandoms as well and I’ve taken a lot of what I’ve learned from the Band of Brothers OC community into my hands and it has helped me more than ANYTHING! So I will 100% consider it most definitely!

I’ve had new writers come to me on Wattpad recently just trying to work out their OCs or where they want their fic to go, and how to make it original and I’ve been so honored and privileged to be able to help them in anyway I could AND THAT’S what got me thinking about making a ‘writing tips’ book actually! :D So I will 100% be considering it, especially when Landslide is over, I can promise you that.

Creating in this fandom has allowed for so much growth within me personally, and I feel many other incredible authors in the fandom can completely agree. I’ve been in the fandom since late 2018 (maybe December) and I started uploading Sunshine Solider in early 2019 and being now in my 2nd(?) year or 3rd (?) if I’m correct, sorry it’s early here LOL - ok definitely 3rd - constant writing is what I can recommend - and sometimes it SUCKS. But writing (1) should be fun, if anything. It should be simply fun and I think that’s the greatest gift out of writing in fandom is simply the joy of creating a story that you love and put your heart into and just being able to hit that post button and feel accomplished for something as wonderful as that. It’s the little things that bring so much joy and hitting that upload button is one of them!!

AWE GOSH THANK YOU!!!! <3 <3 That means the world to me omg!! My lil OCs are like my children (HAHA!) and I know many others can agree with that! Sometimes you don’t even know all the ins and outs of them! But they’re like your kids as you develop and grow with them through the story! So thank you for that, it means a lot! :D

OKAY - I totally get the character development struggle 100%! And it would definitely be one of the things I’d put some time into, in the Writing Tips book because I feel it’s very important! You want your OC to essentially be human - their pros, their cons, their flaws, what makes them happy, sad, neutral....all that sort of stuff! And I totally agree, there’s so much that just goes into simply crafting a character, an OC, a human being for a story.

Something I’ve learned, and I know not many people are probably like this, but it’s what gets me going is actually just writing a blurb (whether it is in the story or not) and try and capture their voice. My 3 *MAIN* OCs, Charlotte, Hazel and Natia all have their own voices, and in their ways are entirely different and flipping from voice to voice was quite the challenge but one I felt was fantastic for me as a writer and a good learning experience. Not everyone has a similar voice! What’s their little quirk they sort of have as an OC? Maybe their ‘brand’ if you call it that....or do they repeat something regularly and how does it connect to them as an OC? (This is all just little things that could become a huge thing in the long run!) But most definitely, just start WRITING, simply just writing and find that voice and once you hit it, it’s really off to the races.

I know after finding Natia’s voice (which was incredibly hard at first, I feel she’s a complex character in my opinion and so that makes it a little more difficult to hit it just right) it was pretty easy to just go off and write - she’s someone very much in her mind, she speaks somewhat lyrical as well, not like a song, but it flows - she has confidence. And so that comes across in writing. I feel it’s just little things like that, which become very noticeable to the reader just by dialogue even, sometimes!

I hope in some way these little points helped, and I’m currently inhaling a large coffee ( I have schoolwork to attend to soon - ie ap stats lol! ) but truly I hope this helped and I am 100% considering a writing tips book. I know there are many new writers in the fandom and I know in some way even if it is not for all, it could help even just one person! And I’m happy to provide my bits of knowledge that I’ve gathered personally (and even from some of my writer friends out there as well who I will consult if they have things to add as well!). Writing is definitely hard, and it’s something that you get better at with simply practicing, but also reading others works, talking to writers and just getting tips and knowing who YOU are. If you know who you are, I feel you know how you want your story to come out if anything!

Feel free to stop on by my DM’s! I’ve been late on messages from some people (only because of my schoolwork recently, it’s been quite intense!) but I’m working through them and I’ll be able to talk privately about things and maybe help you flesh out some ideas if you have any yourself - this goes for anyone reading too!!! But truly, I’d be happy to chat, so really thank you so much for this message it means a lot to me and I’m glad my writing can be seen that way - 2 years here has paid off (LOL!!)

THANK YOU!!!

#sweet anons!!#this was so kind omg you're a lovely gem truly <3 #writing tips #writing #writers #writing opinions #just some things i've picked up over the past 2 years!!!!#this goes for anyone - you can always stop by!

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isa-ghost · 5 years ago

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Corruption AU

*Galaxy brains*

Catch me tempted to start a whole AU based off my theory that Chase got corrupted at the end of Dark Silence and is living through slowly changing and growing sick and discovering freaky powers he didn’t have before and realizing this is what his comatose best friend went through before the August 3rd/March 5th operation was hijacked by Anti.

Oh god this might be a temporary muse but god am I about to blow it up real quick anyway. There’s details on it below the cut.

Henrik is the one who put Jack in the coma and regrets it deeply. Half-possessed by Anti in the moment he did it, he knew Jack would die unless he induced a coma to stabilize him easier than blindly trying to figure out how Anti his possessed self was killing him.

He wasn’t gone for 9 months but rather 2. In-game the time Jack flatlined was March 5th, 2018 and Henrik reappeared May 3rd, 2018. He has barely revealed any info about what happened in that time, but any time he’s opened up about it to the other egos, Jack’s comatose body, or in vlogs on the channel, he gets extremely anxious and can’t elaborate. He’s trying to coach himself into healing enough to tell the story so it won’t happen to others.

It wasn’t one big operation from August 3rd, 2017 to March 5th, 2018. Jack was in the hospital on and off suffering severe affects from Anti’s constant assaults on him. Anti hijacked the August 3rd operation and March 5th operations. He might’ve hijacked a few in-between but nowhere near the level of chaos and damage on those two days. (I haven’t decided yet lol).

Henrik saved Chase’s life after a suicide attempt soon after his divorce was filed (Bro Average) and is very protective of him, but stretches himself incredibly thin between caring for Jack, watching over Chase, and dealing with his own trauma.

Obviously Chase took over the channel for Jack in his place. The community is suspecting he’s him and not Jack slowly, which he’s somewhat worried about, but hasn’t seen any anger about it yet so he feels like it won’t be a big horrific reveal if he ever gives up the facade and comes clean. It was hard enough watching Henrik’s vlog announcing Jack’s coma.

Being that he’s running the channel in Jack’s place when that’s (one of many things?) what Anti wants to do in order to gain more power, Anti attacked him (Dark Silence) and this is how/why Chase is slowly suffering the slow corruption Jack did from October 2016 to now.

Chase blacked out for a very long time after Dark Silence but beelined for Henrik when he came to his senses. When he found Henrik, he started to grow unstable again and broke down about being cornered by Anti and not knowing what was happening to him now before completely snapping again. Henrik had to fend him off, restrain him, and then had a minor trauma-related meltdown because his best friend is going through what he did on August 3rd and March 5th. Little does he know, this is going to progress far beyond just two one-off traumatic possessions and a two month kidnapping.

Anti lurks around constantly in between times harassing the community or toying with Jack’s comatose body on occasion. He’s watching and very much savoring the downward spiral Chase is in. A majority of what’s happened since May 2018 has been Chase glitching and acting strange rather than Anti, hence the camera/screen glitching more often than his physical body. The remaining fractions of cryptic/glitchy videos has been Anti hacking into the channel and reminding the community he’s lurking. After each time he’s done this, Henrik and Chase have had to reset all passwords to Jack’s social media that they’ve been using to make sure he’s kept out.

Sometimes Chase doesn’t feel/realize/see the recording getting meddled with by himself until well after its uploaded and he sees the community panicking about it, other times he’s well aware it’s going on and is acting that way on camera on purpose because he’s experiencing corruption affects or having blackouts. He‘s ashamed of himself for letting the community see what’s happening to him. Little did he know Anti had cameras record what he did to Chase and uploaded it to the channel so they all already know something is deeply wrong with Chase. He doesn’t have the will to go into detail about everything and clarify, so even though he’s upset about all the different speculations and theories about what’s going on because most of them are incorrect, he’d rather leave them to their own devices because the truth is complicated and messy and would be way too much to explain in a video or post.

Not only Chase, but Henrik keeps in close communication with the community. He keeps them up to date on Jack’s condition, how he personally is doing, how anniversaries and birthdays go, if Anti makes any appearances off-screen around them, his progress with finding Marvin and small updates from Jackie.

Jackie and Marvin are Henrik’s best friends since before Henrik met Chase. They all met through Jack. The coma struck all three of them with different kinds of grief. Jackie stopped heroing for a while and has kept a pretty low profile. He’s too distraught to fight as hard as he usually does and he’s also terrified he’s next on Anti’s list. He Probably Is. Marvin has completely vanished and nobody has heard from him. The truth is, he’s wiped himself off the radar to practice every type of magic he can find a way to learn about. He’s relentlessly training himself to avenge Jack and keep Anti away from the others.

Jameson is a sort of wild card buzzing around wherever needed. He typically hangs around Henrik, who saved him between operations on Jack. Anti attacked him the moment he was created to get him either on his side or out of the picture so he had less loose ends to tie up. He mutilated Jameson’s throat and left him for dead (though Jameson was created mute, the subtle throat scar he has is a common misconception people have when they first meet him). Jackie and Marvin found him, brought him to Henrik, and he was saved. Now recovered, he’s slowly taught Jackie, Marvin, and Chase BSL (Henrik already knew it in case of disabled patients), and floats between places doing whatever he can to help. He knows minor medical assistance from Henrik and helps him with Jack sometimes, he guards Jack’s hospital room (he’s got rapidly developing time powers and he’s not afraid to use them), practices said developing powers on his down time, and just generally does whatever small things he can to make life easier on the other four.

Jackie and Marvin had no idea Dark Silence happened until they both (at separate times on their own) found Anti’s footage on the channel. They’ve sunken even deeper into the grieving/coping methods they developed after Jack went into a coma.

Quit the Game to Win, most (if not all) of the X Scary Games, 1 Video series, any other videos we’ve had random, strange, fiery panic-worthy behavior and glitches from since May 2018 are all Chase. If someone were to watch the videos consecutively, Chase’s deterioration would be a lot more clear, a lot more scary, and a lot more heartbreaking.

So far Chase’s side affects are small glitches, mood swings, nose bleeds, ears ringing, nightmares, random blackouts (usually in which he does cryptic shit or uncharacteristic and unnerving behavior during), headaches, paranoia, and several other (mostly mental) symptoms.

For now, Henrik and Chase are waiting things out. Both of them are very stressed, scared, and tired.

Might edit this (will reblog if I do) or just straight up reblog it with more info if I think up more,,,, if I ever touch this AU again?? Idk it was spontaneous and usually my muses like that don’t last long. XD But I’d be happy to keep this an occasional writing prompt thing or something... Hmmmmm...

Also if you wanna send me asks/write/draw about this AU ever, feel free! Just tell me and tag me! :0

#jacksepticeye #chase brody #henrik von schneeplestein #dr schneeplestein #antisepticeye #septicegos #Isa's Corruption AU

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pamy92 · 5 years ago

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Asato Yuya Birthday Event 2019

14 December 2019

I attended all 3 sessions of Asato Yuya’s 2019 Birthday Event last Saturday. The venue was held at a hotel ballroom lasted the whole day!

I tried my best to capture as many information I could remember (it was a very long day and I couldn’t sleep the night before due to nerves)! We couldn’t take any pictures so all images used are from Asaty’s uploads! ^_^

At all 3 sessions, the programme flow is largely the same with minor tweaks in the content and surprise changes as many fans attended multiple sessions.

Introduction by Emcee from Presence Tours and Kazuma

Entrance of Asaty/ Birthday Surprise

Segment 1: History of Yuya (childhood photo exhibition)

Segment 2: Yuya Talk-Time (Fans Q&A session)

Segment 3: O / X Game (aka True-False quiz game)

Thank you Speech by Asaty

One-to-One Photo & Handshake Session

I attended the 1st session with @beansproutsong, and the 2nd and 3rd session alone! We had to queue up according to our assigned number, get an ID check before being allowed into the ballroom. It was free seating so we tried to get seats closest to the stage! In the 2nd session, I managed to get 2nd row seats in the middle and in the 3rd session, I got 4th row seats in the middle.

The emcee from Presence Tours (organiser) and Kazuma did a brief introduction and the usual no-nos, and we were reminded quietly about the secret surprise for Asaty (except for session 3).

:: Birthday Surprise: Session 1, 2 & 3 ::

The same birthday surprise instructions were also printed and left on every seat for us to read.

[Brief summary: Thank you for attending the Asato Chanpuru birthday event this time - 1st session. During the event, we will be giving Asato Yuya a surprise. When the words [Happy Birthday] are flashed on the stage screen, everyone sing the Happy Birthday song after being prompted ‘Ready go!’. Please sing ‘Dear Yuya’ in a big voice! We seek your cooperation!]

In [Session 1], the surprise was almost accidentally ruined! When the emcee tried to move on to the next slide, he accidentally back-tracked and it was a slide about the surprise briefing. The audience members screamed, and Asaty was like ‘Wait? What? What’s going on?’ It was so funny!!!

During the surprise, a cake was wheeled to the stage and Asaty blew out the candles after we sang Happy Birthday! The chef that made the cake was standing at the back of the room, and Asaty took a bite of the strawberry shortcake that was prepared separately for him. He was like ‘UMAI~!!’ at the first taste, and kept thanking the chef!

In [Session 2], the cake was still left on the stage (I suspect it is just a dummy cake for wedding ceremonies) when I entered the ballroom.

But this time round, the instructions on my seat are different and we received a light stick!

[Brief summary: Thank you for attending the Asato Chanpuru birthday event this time - 2nd session. During the event, we will be giving Asato Yuya a surprise. The lights will dim at the start of the event, please activate your lightsticks. Everyone sing the Happy Birthday song after being prompted ‘Ready go!’. Please sing ‘Dear Yuya’ in a big voice! We seek your cooperation!]

When the doors opened for Asaty to enter, everyone’s light sticks were a beautiful purple and Asaty was like ‘SUGOOOOOOI’ when he headed to the stage. The birthday song was played and we sang Happy Birthday. The candles were not lit so he motioned to Kazuma to light it for him. Because the song was ending, he tried to blow it as Kazuma struggled to light all of them haha!

In [Session 3], there was no paper printed on our seats. But the instructions were shown in the slides which basically told us to sing a birthday song when prompted on the screen during the O/X Quiz game. BUT, the true surprise was actually...RIN RIN!

So after Asaty gave his thank you speech, the emcee said they have received a sudden message from Wada Masanari, which they played back. Asaty was laughing and talking over the recording, so I could not hear Rin Rin’s message clearly. But basically, Rin Rin was congratulating Asaty on his birthday and that sorry he could not be here to celebrate with him.

Then suddenly, Rin Rin said ‘Actually, I am backstage. I’m coming inside now.” And everyone started screaming in shock, even Asaty froze for a second. Then Rin Rin said “Please don’t get too excited when I enter the hall.” And then RIN RIN CAME THROUGH THE DOORS!!!! Everyone was screaming! Even I myself am screaming ‘OMG!’. My first live Rin Rin! I have never seen him in person before! Asaty was also shouting ‘RIN RIN!!!” and jumping excitedly!

Rin Rin was filming on his phone throughout the whole thing, so he panned his camera at us and then went straight to Asaty for a photo! It was so precious! Asaty was so HAPPY and gave him a big high-5!

Then Rin Rin whipped out a present he was hiding behind his pocket, and it was a new Nintendo switch Pokemon Go game cartridge! Rin Rin said his rehearsal was cancelled so he quickly asked his agency (which is the same as Asaty’s) if he could crash the party. It was very last minute but Asaty was so so so happy! I have never seen him so excited before! The video that Rin Rin took will be uploaded on New Year’s Day! I can’t wait! No idea where it will be released though - hopefully on the Asapuru Channel!

:: Segment 1: History of Yuya ::

In this segment, we were shown various pictures of Asaty in his childhood! Asaty had asked his mom to send over some childhood photos a few days before the event & she shipped 10 albums over. It was raining when the box arrived & it got a little wet too, to Asaty’s horror.

Whenever the emcee flashed a chubby baby picture, Asaty kept gushing over how cute his chubby baby pictures are and cooing “This guy is cute! I’m so cute!” And he kept poking his fat baby arms on the screen! Also, a lot of toddler-Asaty photos are of him smiling brightly with his papa because he rarely sees him. Then we saw shots of him crying when his papa has to go away.

Here are some memorable things he shared:

[Picture of baby Asaty grinning with only two bottom teeth] Asaty pointed at his baby face, laughed and said “I finally grew teeth!!”

[Picture of toddler Asaty at an amusement park] Asaty hates the spinning tea cup ride even till now. When he was young, his uncle spun him around so hard, Asaty vomited and it flew everywhere.

[Picture of 7 yrs old annoyed-looking Asaty with a pig mascot] Asaty was at Disneyland and trying to take a picture with one of the 3 Little Pigs. Unfortunately, his bro got in his way and he was trying to shove him away. He confused it with the 7 dwarves & said the pig was from Snow White

[Picture of toddler Asaty and his infant younger bro cuddled up in bed] Asaty had a finger on his lips and an annoyed “Shhh, my brother is sleeping!” expression on his face as the photo was taken.

[Picture of 4 year old Asaty riding a shisa statue at a shrine visit] He laughed when he saw the picture and said “I have a pervertic look on my face!” When asked by Kazuma if it was okay that he was sitting on it, he quickly answered “It depends on the shisa.”

[Picture of bro and him with yukata waist ties around their heads, both look drunk and bored] Kazuma: “What are you guys looking at?” Asaty: “I dunno... maybe horse-race betting.”

[Picture of Elementary Sch Asaty] He said he wasn’t considered handsome because there were other boys better looking than him. He had no girlfriend nor any valentine memories. But he had a girlfriend in Preschool. LOL

[Photo of High Sch Asaty at his graduation] During his High School graduation, he said that he promised a Junior that he will give his bottom blazer button (his blazer only has 2 buttons) to her. But when another student asked for it first, he forgot and gave it to her. When his junior found out, she got really angry at him. Asaty then said didn’t understand why girls wanted his bottom blazer button when the top-most is closest to his heart. “...Maybe...” His hand then strayed to his crotch which Kazuma told him to stop. LOL

:: Segment 2: Yuya Talk-Time ::

Question: If tomorrow is the end of the world, what would you eat?

Asaty: I want to eat a lot! (when prompted by emcee to list the first food) Unagi! And then Macdonalds! Then curry! (In your last 30 seconds of living?) Unagi once again!

Question: What recently made you cry? Asaty said he was watched Joker recently and because the character had a lot of depth & character development, he was so moved that he cried.

Question: What is the one thing you wish to have? Asaty said he really wants an iPad Pro, so he can play Call of Duty better (he plays it on his iPhone currently) and he kept bugging Ono Kento & wanted to use his.

Question: What was the most touching moment you had experienced this year? Asaty said it was when Seirin won the Winter Cup. It was so touching that the main cast cried when they did the table-reading. The cast still keep in contact on LINE.

Question: When #和田のお顔が綺麗 trended on Twitter. Asaty didn’t know it will go viral. He said that Rin Rin was happy when he used the hashtag for the first time & subsequently started a series. Too bad Izawa & Kento’s hashtag didn’t go viral.

Question: What’s a routine thing you do before a big event? Asaty says he’ll take a shower and give his chest a punch with his fist to settle his nerves & get himself ready.

Question: Do you get nervous before performing as F6. Yes. He messes up his lines when he gets nervous. During OsoSute, Asaty once had a slip of tongue & accidentally said “Mysterious Oni. Purple Cool.” It was supposed to be “Mysterious Cool. Oni Purple.”

Question: Unagi. Asaty likes Unagi ever since he is aware of how much he liked the taste of it when he was in Elementary school.

Question: What is your Kanji of this year? Asaty said 忙/急(busy), due to the consecutive KuroSute & HeineMyu performances. It was not normal for this to happen.

Question: Please talk about F6 Costumes. Asaty said their costumes were inspired by the circus! Osomatsu - Ringmaster (Greatest Showman), Karamatsu - Beast Tamer, Ichimatsu - Knife Thrower, Choromatsu and Jyuushimatsu are Clowns. Asaty doesn’t know what the heck Todomatsu’s costume is lol (his own words).

:: Segment 3: O / X Game (aka True-False quiz) ::

In this segment, all the audience members had to stand and answer O or X with their arms. Only those who got the answers right can continue standing and play the game. Winners got his autographed board and a solo-polaroid of him. I lost all three sessions lol. The questions are HARD!

Question: When Asaty takes a shower, the first thing he washes is his neck. (Answer: True, all the girls were shocked.)

Question: Asaty likes chocolate cake the best out of all the cake flavours. (Answer: True!)

Question: Yuya was not the name his parents originally wanted. (Answer: True. Asaty’s parents did consider naming him Tokiya, but decided to stick with Yuya instead!)

Question: Winter is Asaty’s favourite season. (Answer: True! He really loves winter and snow! He however does not do winter sports because in 2011, he suffered from a really bad winter-sports injury which he got scolded by his agency for not taking care of his body. )

Question Even though Asaty is 32, he is forever 17 in his heart. (Answer: True)

:: One-to-One Photo & Handshake Session ::

At the end of the event, all of us will line up according to the rows we were seated at to meet Asaty one by one at the partition outside the ballroom. It was well-organised and flows very smoothly. My only gripe is that compared to last year’s 30-seconds talk, we only had about 10 to 15 seconds to chat to Asaty!

Session 1: I was so nervous the very first time I met him after a whole year, and I was a little worried that he wouldn’t remember me at all (I mean he has a lot of fans and I don’t expect him to remember everyone) but my fears were unfounded. When I walked over and waved my hands, saying I was from Singapore, his eyes immediately lit up in recognition. I bought him a merlion face mask and a durian pouch as his present, and he suddenly asked me if I liked durian which threw me off and I got tongue-tied.

After receiving the polaroid, I did not realise he left my present with the merlion mask facing the camera on his lap. When the picture developed, I saw it and started laughing non-stop! Such a troll picture. I thought I was the one trolling Asaty with lame presents but looks like he trolled me back. Whoops

Session 2: The emcee told us we will not be given time to talk about our presents because it took too much time in the earlier session, he told us to pass it to him and the staff will take it away immediately. It was really a shame because I wanted to tell him about the concept of the fan book this year! So while waiting for my turn, I rehearsed what I wanted to say to him so my mind won’t freeze! I’m so glad the words came out and Asaty was able to oblige to my unofficial interview request without his agency staff coming in to stop us!

I really liked it when he concentrated hard to think before looking at me to say those words to his overseas fans. His sincerity is radiating off and he was really not taking it lightly (aka saying it in a flippant manner).

I think that was about this time when I realised that I really really want to continue promoting him overseas. TBH, with my day-job taking up so much time in my personal life, sometimes I feel like stopping... Then I realised that he is also trying really hard on his end and he is honestly very grateful and down-to-earth for all the local and overseas support. Even though many overseas fans have already moved on, I’ll continue supporting and helping you Asaty!

Session 3: With this being the last session that I will meet Asaty till late 2020, I thought I could just fool around and tease him a little - by making him speak in English! I remembered in his live-stream that he said ‘I can’t speak English!’ after coming back from the USA, which contradicts what his relatives in Okinawa told me - Asaty has been studying English via English music, dramas and movies, so he could communicate with his American relatives and nieces/nephews.

When it was my turn, I waved to him crazily again and asked him to speak English which he laughed and said ‘Okay’ After we took our picture and he took both my hands and then suddenly said ‘I’m very happy!” which I totally was not expecting at all and my mind went blank! It was probably the cutest thing he said EVER and in English too!

I wanted to tell him to do his best next year, come visit Singapore and I hope to see him again soon. But I got tongue-tied and all I could say was ‘See you next year!’ GAH I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF!!!! I only rehearsed the first line and didn’t think about what other things to say in English to him LOL. #fail

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All in all, I really really had fun meeting him again! His hands were gentle and warm and his brilliant smile is just like the sun itself.

Thank you Asato Yuya! I really hope to see him again in 2020! This time I’ll bring more lame Singapore presents to make you laugh!

#asato yuya #yuya asato #安里勇哉 #pamyinjapan

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thenightling · 5 years ago

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Running a Gothic Horror Facebook Group during the autumn... (Not as pleasant as it sounds)

I’m getting kind of annoyed at the behavior of some (not all, obviously) people in my Gothic Horror Group on Facebook. It seems every year around October I get an abundance of new members and that’s great. It’s the Halloween season. That’s when people feel spooky. But then come late November I find myself having to thin the herd.

First there are the creeps who think Goth girls are easy. One man who had been friends with me on Facebook for a few years decided now would be a great time to flirt with me. On November 3rd he sent me the message of “I am a Gomez without a Morticia.” I suppose this is kind of sweet and makes clear the sort of romantic / Gothic relationship he’s seeking but I chose to pretend to be oblivious at what he was hinting at.

Yesterday that same man saw I had uploaded some new photos of myself. As I live in a deadzone I don’t have a functional cellphone so the camera I use to take photos of myself is attached to an old laptop. The best lighting in the house is in my own bathroom so that’s why the photos aren’t exactly great. And why so many of my photos look similar.

However this “polite” and “Friendly” man decided to message me with “I noticed you wear the same dress and pendant in all your pictures.” Well, for starters. I’ve never taken a photo of myself in a dress. I’m sure someone has one someone but I’ve never loaded one to Facebook and it would be at least ten-years-old. I just like a particular style of shirt and often wear dark colors or black. In fact the Shirt I was wearing in the new picture was less than two months old. Also a few of my photos have me wearing a garnet pendant. Others wearing a pentacle. So no, not even the same pendant in all my pictures though I do admit I wear my pentacle often.

Needless to say I was angry. How Could I not be? He thought he was being polite and friendly. Gee... And you wonder why you can’t find your Morticia...

I chewed him out and he apologized and told me a weird sob story about how he was abducted by his mother and her boyfriend at age twelve with only a TV as his window to the outside world until he was eighteen so that’s why he has such poor social skills. Despite the utter unlikelyhood of this I chose to give the benefit of the doubt and forgave him. He asked me to post on my Facebook wall that we were cool now. And that made me lose it again. I wasn’t quite not-angry anymore so I went off on him again about how his statement hurt me. So he decided to “unfriend” me until I calm down but chose to haunt the groups I run anyway. I had him removed.

Then there are those who criticize EVERY slightly off topic post. “How his this Gothic Horror?” Well, how about YOU find some actual Gothic Horror content so I don’t have to supplement with scifi, fantasy, and comics. Also most of what they bitch about not being Gothic Horror actually IS Gothic Horror. I had one member insist there’s nothing Gothic in Buffy The Vampire Slayer! (TV show, not movie.)

Then there was the “white knight” who decided to argue with me, insisting that Beauty and the Beast is Stockholm Syndrome and that it’s “dangerous” and “stupid” to believe people can change because it’s akin to condoning a violently abusive relationship because he might change. Even though I had gone out of my way to repeatedly say I don’t believe anyone should stay in an abusive relationship though DO believe we are capable of changing ourselves as individuals. There is such a thing as personal growth. Even changing your mind about something, admitting you were wrong, is a form of change.

Well, after he called my views stupid and dangerous I ultimately removed him but then his friends (all of them, also, male) came to his defense and how I should respect his opinion, that he has a right to his opinion. Opinions are like preferring chocolate ice cream to strawberry. It’s not getting away with calling the group owner stupid and dangerous for liking Beauty and The Beast and believing we can better ourselves. If we stop believing people can change for the better, we might as well stop believing we can grow. If you decide you’re not a good person but don’t believe people can change, where does that leave you? It leaves you with a mindset unwilling to even try to improve yourself and become a better person. We have to believe in change, for our own sakes.

Next we come to the spammers. Not only did I gain new spammers but they had blocked me and the other admins so I had to pull out my “secret mod” and give them temporary admin power to remove the person. You see, when a spammer blocks an admin we cannot see what they are posting. This is a very unfortunate and dangerous security flaw on Facebook.

Someone else (who actually was a horror fan) thought it was a good idea to block me, probably because I was “posting too much” ON MY GROUP!

Then there was the person posting links to a pro-suicide group, not realizing I could translate the non-English text that described what the group was about... (How were they getting away with this on Facebook!??)

Someone else with a “Dark sense of humor” was posting some off color things. I scolded him. He decided that “For the sake of the group” he’d leave. I hadn’t booted him, I hadn’t told him to leave. He decided to do it himself. THEN he sent me at least TWO private messages about leaving the group and hoping the group would be better off without him. I told him he was over reacting over something minor and he said “Funny, I felt the same way.” And proceeded to heavily hint that he wanted me to ask him to come back.

NO! You leave, that’s your own choice. I don’t beg anyone to stay. Especially someone I barely know on my own Gothic Horror Group.

Then we go over to my Horror comics group where for months I had to deal with someone’s “off color” sense of humor and “dark humor” about deliberately ruining the childhoods of modern kids (by letting their over-zealous mothers keep them away from Fairy Tales and Disney princesses as “sexist” because it’s “Funny.” This is something I’m strongly against. I do not agree with keeping kids from fantasy or classic literature just because cultures have changed). Meanwhile if I post ANYTHING at all from Channel Awesome or The Nostalgia Critic, from a review of Blade or Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight he would go on a tangent about how EVIL Doug Walker is and bring up that stupid Cancel Channel Awesome Manifesto, in some righteous rage. SHUT UP! I don’t care! He’s never wronged me or anyone I know and I don’t automatically assume guilt in any situation!

Finally I got fed up and removed this member.

And then there’s a friend, a friend who is in both groups and who I let get away with posting one too many of his anti-SJW / “progressives” rants (he uses the quotation marks, not me). Saying things like he hopes all progressives die, to which I have to remind him yet again that I AM liberal only for him to suffer an apparent medical emergency so I feel bad for yelling at him. EVEN THOUGH His “Hahaha suck it, “progressives! Hahaha!” (about the Joker earning a billion dollars) was in both groups and attracted angry political zealots from both sides of the spectrum. And I had to remove those people too!

It turned out his “Progressive” post had become the sample post when anyone searched for “Horror comics” so people leapt to conclusions about what the group was about.

And though on another group this is worth mentioning. Someone on a group I’m in posted a funny meme about someone correcting Dracula’s pronunciation of “Vant” into “Want.” Someone else chimed in by telling him it wasn’t funny because the REAL Dracula would just tear out the person’s throat and only a pussy Twilight vampire would care about something like that.

I pointed out that in the Dracula novel he does care about his pronunciation and wants to sound English. He even uses this as part of the excuse to keep Harker in his castle. I also broke it to him that the mindless predatory vampire of things like 30 Days of Night were also the result of Twilight in a phenomena I call the polarization of the pop culture vampire where you get one extreme of the pretty boy vegan who hates what he is or the mindless predator. Dracula is neither. I happen to like the Frank Langella version of Dracula from 1979 because he was predatory yet romantic. He liked what he was yet he was charming. He could rip out someone’s throat while also being charismatic. There should be a balance.

Instead of realizing he was mistaken he accused me of being an OFFENDED (he used the caplock there) Twilight fan who was “Triggered,” called me a snowflake, and went on a rant about liberals. Thankfully most of that group (a Universal monsters group) came to my defense. There were a few that assumed he was right because they seem to immediately react to things like “lol Triggered!” to mean (without even looking at the content that the person must be wrong.

So if you’re wondering why I’m so high strung and in a bad mood lately when I’m checking my own facebook groups, yeah... This is why.

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spnfanficpond · 6 years ago

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February 2019 Pond LiveChat Recap

We had a great time chatting today with @impala-dreamer!! Thank you so much, Beka, for joining us!

We talked about self-publishing through Amazon, how to do it, what the benefits are, and the challenges to making a finished product. A rundown of the chat, as well as some general Pond news, is below the cut!

Q: What sort of music do you listen to when you write?

Beka: Oh, uh... Well, Actually, I have a lot of playlists on youtube. So it depends. I have a hardcore smut list that is just music that gets my hips moving... then a romance thing which is feely stuff. A "Deanspiration" list that oddly has zero Zepplin in it, just stuff that reminds me of him or gives me ideas. Sometimes I hear a song and it instantly snaps an idea. I write to music a lot.

Q: For everyone, do you reblog everything you read or do you think likes have the same “power” behind them?

Beka: No. If I read it, I reblog, unless it’s iffy. Iffy means, I read it, but wasn’t up my alley or I think it would be too triggering for people. I avoid those types of fics, anyway.

@mrswhozeewhatsis: There is a very small percentage of things I read that I won't reblog, but then, I haven't really read them, I've noped out for one reason or another. Usually grammar/formatting or content, not writing style, to be clear.

@girl-with-a-fandom-fettish: I guess one reason I suck at reblogging is a lot of the stuff I read has nothing to do with what is currently reblogged on my blog and that just doesn't match in my very matchy brain...is that just me?

@mrswhozeewhatsis: I believe that everyone should be able to put on their blog what they want. Some folks see their blog as a collection like in a museum. Some folks, like me, see it as more of a news feed. Collectors are less likely to reblog because they're carefully curating their blog. My advice to collectors is to then make a side blog where you can reblog the things you don't want to collect.

Q: What’s the biggest challenge you find in writing?

Beka: I think the biggest challenge for me is writing in the moment. I can't write if it's not flowing, and sometimes I try to force myself just to get the story out bc i fear i'm letting people down by not posting enough? But it’s not good when I do that, so I have to let myself go with the story that's with me at the moment. Sometimes it's two at once, like today. lol. Also, Sam is hard. (heheh no really, he is. also he is. but pg13)

Q: There are so many questions to about this process!

Beka: I do really get asked about it a lot, and it's really not that hard once you do it. It's annoying to navigate and decide what you want to do, but it really is awesome and not too frustrating. Amazon is really great because they do have an extensive help section AND message boards so you can ask and talk to other self publishers so it's like having someone with you.

Q: You said you chose to publish through Amazon. Out of curiosity, were there any other ways you heard about or considered before you settled on Amazon, and if so, was there a specific reason you didn't use them?

Beka: I'm basically a Google fanatic, so when I decided to do this, I had no idea what I was doing so basically I goggled "How to self publish a book" and there were THOUSANDS of sites thrown at me. I honestly can't remember the other sites I looked at, but it basically came down to amazon was a company name I knew, I trusted, and had the best help and resources. And I have a kindle, so I figured that was easiest. I think I only looked into one or two others but I can't remember what they were. Amazon just stood out. I did read up on like actually doing it yourself like through a book binder and all that and it was SOOOO much work this was just the easiest and most cost effective.

Q: Okay, but with Amazon, do they, like, own part of your content if you publish through them?

Beka: NOPE. I hold copyright to all my works. they just are the people who produce the actual physical book.

Q: What was the time frame, like from start to finish, I guess? Or the process if you don't mind. What did you have to do to get set up with Amazon?

Beka: Ok- so getting set up was easy. if you have an amazon account, you're good. Or you just make one. then there is a website- kdp.amazon.com -and they literally walk you through the entire process. Someone up there asked how long it took - I rushed it. my novel started as fanfic, which I wrote in about 2 months, then I took 2 weeks re-editing and changing to non-fanfic, then about a week editing again and formatting and then i had my hard copy. So, all in- maybe 3 months, but the actual amazon stuff takes a few days to get you a book in hand.

@kittenofdoomage: One thing I will say about Amazon, it's very convenient but I struggled with the covers and formatting.

Q: Did you have to use special software to submit your work?

Beka: I write in google docs, but amazon no likey- so I had to move everything over to Microsoft Word. and from there it gets updated. HOWEVER, there is now in beta testing an amazon program which I downloaded for my 3rd book but was too frustrated to figure out so I never used it. it's specifically for Kindle, but kindle didn't like my poetry format so I couldn’t do it.

@kittenofdoomage: They have step by step guides. And I use Google Docs, too, but you can download into a PDF or .doc file from there.

Q: So it's not a copy-paste thing, you upload the completed file then reformat it for amazon?

Beka: well... it's two different things for paperback and kindle. There are specific formatting guidelines for paperback such as margin sizes and gutters and such so when you turn a page it's not all wonky. Kindle formatting is MUCH easier to do. you just upload and it does it for you. The files for paperback need to be formatted with specific things. it's not hard... just annoying.

Q: You mentioned changing your fanfic into non-fanfic. Does that mean you can't have any fan elements in a story to publish it?

Beka: Well... my novel was basically a J2 x Reader BDSM fanfic, and so I changed J2 to original characters, I changed the show, the car, the everything. If you know that I write SPN fic, and you read it, you can see it's clearly SPN, but those who don't know SPN don't know that, because I've asked. lol. Also- someone read it recently and thought the Jared character was Jensen, so I guess I changed it enough. I personally would not publish anything that actually said SPN or J2 or anything because those are copy-written characters and not mine so it does seem illegal to make money off of them, ya know?

@mrswhozeewhatsis: It is actually illegal to make money off of fan fiction. The WB owns the characters and the show. If anyone else tries to make money off the characters or identifiable elements of the show, the WB can sue and win.

@kittenofdoomage: Those who use Patreon are covered under fair usage only because Patreon is a donation site.

Q: Were there any parts of the process that surprised you?

Beka: Honestly, the entire thing surprised me. I went into it like just to see if it was possible and then i realized- I CAN’T publish my work. they WILL sell it. People WILL buy it. and it was all very shocking. It was scary, and I know people are intimidated by it, but it really was simple in the end, and if you want to do it- do it. It's awesome to look over at my bookshelf and see my name on actual, physical books ya know?

@kittenofdoomage: I was the same, Beka. I procrastinated for months. And okay, it wasn't a huge success but I learned from the first time, bettered myself the second time, and now.... I'm procrastinating again but that's not the point lol

Q: How much money do you make per sale?

Beka: It depends on the format and the cost you put. Like, for my short story and poetry book I make PROBABLY a few cents on it. My novel I make around $2 depending on the price I set. You set the selling price, and you can do sales and freebies.

@kittenofdoomage: You can choose everything. They tell you how much you'll make from each copy sold.

Q: Do they tell you how much other authors sell similar works for, to give you an idea what others think is reasonable?

Beka: Yeah, you can look it up, too. They have a chart that's like, "This is your sale price. This is how much we take to make it. This is how much you get," and you can fiddle with it.

Q: Is there any kind of marketing happening on Amazon’s side, or is it all you?

Beka: They can do promotions, but you have to pay them to promote it.

Q: Did you look into promotion costs through Amazon? What kind of money are we talking, here?

Beka: Honestly, I don’t remember. When I see a fee of any kind I run for the hills because I'm cheap like that. lol. It's prob not too cheap BUT they also have this thing you can sign up for that's like a library kinda deal where your book can go on the free book a month kindle deal- i didn't do it bc you don't get royalties for it. but more people read it? idk what's best. It's all very over my head marketing.

@mrswhozeewhatsis: I guess if you're looking to become a popular selling author, and you have the cash to pay to promote it, then after a few books, it would pay off when you develop an audience.

Q: Do you think self publishing is the way to go long term, or maybe a better in terms of testing the waters? I realize you are still in the latter stage but I'm curious about your opinion...

Beka: Here's my thoughts: I used to be a singer/songwriter. I played in Manhattan. I had paying gigs. I recorded an album. I thought I could make it work. But I didn't go for it. No one handed me a record contract. I let it all go to have my kids and family. I want to write. I realize no one's gonna stick their hand out and hand me a publishing deal. BUT I might be able to pay some bills with my books. I might be able to write enough, well enough to sell some books. and if i sell enough books, maybe a publisher WILL see me and then I can attempt the next stage. I think self publishing is great. Why not? Do it if you want to do it. If you want to write, write. If you want to share it, share it. Who's to stop you? And if you can share it through self publishing with people all over the world?? freaking do it, man.

Q: What is your best piece of writing advice?

Beka: OK, my best writing advice is... See it, feel it, write it. If you don't feel what you're writing, I'm not gonna feel it reading it. I think i'm more of an emotional writer than a descriptive. I can't tell you what the room looks like that they're in, but I can tell you how it feels that Dean just stepped on that Lego. ya know? Idk. Write what you see and feel, and put yourself into it, and it'll be amazing.

Q: Are you a planner or a pantser?

Beka: Planner? SOMETIMES. It depends. I have plans for series, but shorter things I just go with the flow. I'm constantly messaging Ashley like "DEAN JUST DID X. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!" lol

Q: Do you outline at all, or just have a general goal in mind?

Beka: I do outline series. but not... strictly or drastically. Like, right now i'm working on a series for my kink bingo that's alternates between the brothers. I have a general plot line over all to follow, but i've also set it up like c1- flogging. c2- spanking, etc.

Q: What is something you know now that you wish you knew before you published?

Beka: I think I'd tell myself to not worry and just freaking write what I want.

Q: Do you have a writing schedule or something that keeps you productive?

Beka: No. I try very hard to have a schedule, but I'm a little... slightly... bipolar I think and my writing follows my moods. I can write 20K in a weekend and then nothing for a week. I just literally ride the wave of ideas. Like, currently I'm in a slump. but I wrote 10K this week before the slump hit. It's quite annoying.

Except for some general conversation about the stupid places and times we all get ideas and the incomprehensible notes we’ve all left for ourselves, the chat ended. A good time was had by all, I think!! Thanks to everyone who was there! @littlegreenplasticsoldier @kittenofdoomage @girl-with-a-fandom-fettish @because-imma-lady-assface @canadianspnhunter (And two folks whose URLs I never got: Cassie and Shaila)

General Pond Updates and Reminders

Angel Fish Award nominations are due soon! Click the link for the list of raffle prizes! Remember, every nomination is an entry! So far, we’ve only received three or four nominations. If you have sent in a nomination, but have not received a private message confirming we received it, we didn’t get it. Send it in again! Be sure to use Submit instead of Ask!

Don’t forget to submit your stories to be posted to the blog! When your stories are on the blog, then they are easier to nominate for Angel Fish Awards!

SPNFanFicPond Season 14 Weekly Episode Writing Challenge - New prompts go up after every new episode, and there’s no deadline! Check out the prompts and rules at the link!

Say hi to February’s New Members!

Check the Pond CALENDAR to see when Big Fish will be in the chat room and other Pond and SPN events are happening! Know of something that’s not on the calendar, send us an ask or submission with the deets info details! The calendar offers a lot of features, such as showing you when things are in your own timezone! Since we’re an international group, that’s a definite plus!!

Next month’s LiveChat details will be published as soon as we know them! Hope to see you there!

#spnfanficpond live chat #chat room #let's chat #THE CHAT ROOM #pond chat

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athyrabunlord · 7 years ago

Text

About LLSHP AU (Afterword)

[Brief note about School Term] [other LLSHP AU stuff] [YohaMaRuby concept arts] [ChikaYouRiko concept arts] [KanaDiaMari concept arts] [Hogwarts Staff]

[FFN link] [Pixiv Link] [Translated to Chinese by plin2290]

I’m just so pleased and happy to have made it! I have so many existing incomplete stories that it’s astounding for me to actually complete a multi-chapter story. Once again, I’d like to say a huge THANK YOU!! to my readers for staying with me to the end, providing me feedback and expressing interest, motivating and inspiring me enough to reach this point.

The following is really just about my rambling, about my thoughts, about the planning process and my decisions, so do keep reading if you’re interested in the makings of this story. I just feel like sharing (aka: blah blah blah) since, again, I actually friggin completed a story omg (´；Д；｀)

===================

First of all, let’s go way back to near the end of October 2016, not long after LLS Season 1 ended. Yes this is so long ago lmao. After drawing several canon-related fanarts and writing short blips to satiate my thirst, I decided to create a complete whole AU so I can fantasize more XD I ended up picking the Harry Potter verse because, come on, it’s always fun trying to Sort your favorite characters and think about their abilities and whatnot.

Ideas started to whirl and initial sketches began. There’s an old post explaining why I Sort the girls into their respective Houses. That’s also when extra details were pondered over, the why and the pros in doing so. You should know by this point that I’m a complete useless 3rd Years trash, but as I brainstorm more, I realize that their story is more suitable to be a prequel, something that supplements a main story. And so, what should the main story be about? What kind of story do I want to present? Who would be the perfect main character/narrator for this?

Yoshiko. In canon, she’s already associated with (black) magic and, as a First-Year and Muggleborn, she would be perfect for a reader to immerse into this fascinating new world of magic through her perspective. As an old post says, I fudged up the School Term and age during the initial stage and didn’t realize until everything’s all finalized, that’s why I had to keep it as it is XD;;;;

Anyway, at this point, I’ve already decided Yoshiko to be a Horcrux, with the antagonist of this story to be Yohane, and how the last few chapters are going to play out. Everything else, even the other characters’ backgrounds are all further elaborated and refined based off of this central plot. On a side note, how sexy is Aikyan’s solo in the 3rd Live, I mean, the white and black wing I could only think about Yoshiko/Yohane DX

Ahem, I’ve always found Yoshiko’s character fascinating, that there’s a Yohane side of her even though, really, she’s Yoshiko (a good girl). The Chamber of Secrets and the Half-Blood Prince are the main source of inspiration for this particular idea, but of course HP fans might notice many elements from the original story used or modified in my story. I’m also a strong believer that the Patronus Charm can do more than just warding off Dementors or Lethifolds (and Obscurus), hence its significance in this story, especially later chapters.

Therefore, each girl’s Patronus was tentatively decided at this early stage, with 1 or 2 possibilities. After this, I then thought of what ships should this story present. As much as I did not want romance/ships be The Major Point, I have to acknowledge that ships are what people go for in a story, myself included. I understand shipping might turn people away from even trying a story, that’s why I kept it secret for the first few chapters before confirming it on tumblr (where the chapters were first uploaded). I was just testing the waters, to see if people are interested in the story enough to keep reading even if the ships aren’t their preferences.

Back to planning stage - as a multi-shipper, I did not want to set in stone right off the bat what the ships are either. And thus I continued expanding on ideas and see where things would go, keeping most of the initial interactions and important moments intact. This is why there are times it might seem there are multiple pairings even though nothing was specified (cough wee kanadia, youriko etc (｡･ ω<)ゞてへぺろ♡). Not to mention, as the main character, Yoshiko will always have moments with each of the 8 girls. I remember joking in an old post that, if this were a gal-game, there are various routes to this story, from the default path to those you have to unlock via certain conditions XDDD

Naturally, members of the 1st-year trio and Guilty Kiss get more screen time with Yoshiko. Then, as a fellow Slytherin and part of the tsurime trio, Dia does too. Not to mention Season1’s anime ED shows You & Angel together, You gets special moments too. Chika is Aqours’ leader who first accepted Yoshiko into the group as datenshi, so I tried to show that as much as I could given the circumstances in the story. And so, this leaves poor orca on the side lol. But yeah, YoshiMaru, YoshiRiko, YoshiRuby, so many possibilities! However, as more details get finalized, such as Yoshiko’s childhood, her Shiira-KANSU! Patronus and about the Augurey, YoshiMaru just happened. Things seem to click into place with their love as the focal point and I was able to keep expanding the story. First puppy love, innocent and pure. A dream that grew to become reality. Could other ships have worked? Yes, but then that would’ve given this story a different direction and it wouldn’t have been LLSHP AU – Yoshiko Tsushima and the Fallen Angel anymore. As I developed YoshiMaru more and more, I was very satisfied with my choice.

On a side note, I confirm Yoshiko did have a crush on You at first (and Hanamaru had a crush on Kanan) xD it’s mostly just physical attraction in a “the-senpai-I-admire” kind of way, and it soon morphs to strong friendship as this story progresses. I don’t know if this was obvious at all but that’s why these two girls always have a soft spot for Gryffindor Baka#2 and Baka #3 xD!!!

On the other hand, I was not expecting DiaRiko to form. Yes, it was my guilty ship but I didn’t intend for them to be a couple in this story, just close friends/confidantes. In canon, they’re already the straight man of their respective year trios (most of the time anyway, I’m looking at you ponkotsu penguin). Yet, given their respective pasts and personalities, they became intimately close and found solace with each other, and that kind of relationship is what I tried to show to the readers, especially through the Carbonado Interlude. They’re not predestined to fall in love but they did and found happiness. Out of the four ships, I was most worried about DiaRiko since it’s a rareship unlike the other three. That’s why I keep saying how pleased I am that it ended up being well-received by fans ;;A;;

ChikaYou came to be as I finalize the 2ndYears’ background and Riko’s part, while KanaMari’s story is set aside for the prequel and thus not given much spotlight in the main story (and also due POV effect). In spite of how much I adore ChikaYou, it’s also not shown much because of what happened in the story but also because I wanted to present their dynamic as a duo and CYR bond with Ruby (since that’s how Yoshiko perceives them most of the time anyway).

Ruby, my widdle cinnamon roll baby, is left unpaired for a reason. I want to show that platonic/friendship love is just as wonderful and powerful. There’s a saying ‘lovers come and go, but friends are for life’, and that’s exactly what Yoshiko and Hanamaru meant for Ruby, and vice versa. Now, while I’m on this, I have a confession about Ruby’s fate. After the concept arts were drawn and uploaded, I was finalizing the details of the three Arcs before I toss the first chapter onto tumblr. The end of ch19 is definitely one of the biggest climax of the story - Ruby ended up being Yohane’s target instead of Dia. Originally, uh, yeah, Ruby is supposed to die because her wounds were too much. Regular healing spells do not work on sectumsempra, only a special counter-Curse could reverse the effects. I tried very hard to find a way around it to save her. I don’t want my baby to die, any of them really, and she still have so much ahead of her. Fortunately, I was able to save her through Yoshiko/Yohane which, in turn, saved this raven-haired girl as well. I was able to continue working backwards on finalizing the Arcs and individual chapters with a peaceful state of mind.

‘Yoshiko’, as in the one who’s been narrating the story from ch1-20, still died in a way, but at least I was able to change the story from Bad End to True End (?). True End is the ch21 I uploaded. Bad End route would have Ruby dead, Yoshiko gone and ch21 would turn out completely different. A Happy End would be Yoshiko the Narrator miraculously alive and the others not having scars or still recovering, but I just find that too unrealistic. I’ve minimized the, uh, damage enough as it is, given the circumstances. J.K. Rowling did go on a killing spree in Book7 but come on, with a psychotic maniac like Voldemort and all those magical spells, you can easily kill people. You don’t need Avada Kedavra to kill someone, a sudden Diffindo or Reducto is enough. I’ve chosen my sacrifice and one is too many already. And speaking of sacrifice, let me talk a bit about Riko and why she was the ‘first victim’. Omoi yo Hitotsu ni Nare. Even though this story was outlined even before the First Live, this song already stands out to me from the anime, a song where the 8 of them sang in Riko’s absence but her spirit is still with them. And so, I sort of portrayed that the way it is in this story. Even though Riko didn’t get any lines from ch12 onward until ch20, her role remains significant and is the pivotal point for the remainder of Arc2 and Arc3. In terms of the plot, I’ve followed my outline quite closely. All the core points remained unchanged as I write out the chapters, though how I write a chapter (ie the wording, the extra little details, and actual professor dialogues instead of just narration) did change as I go along, influenced by more of the official content. Facts about characters that are only revealed in Season2 or other media such as SIF etc were not incorporated into this story (for example, Kanan being afraid of ghosts and height). As I mentioned in an older post about wands, I would have chosen phoenix feather for Ruby’s wand core had I known about the Duo-Trio results. The Kazuno sisters would have been incorporated into the story alas, back then, very little was known about Saint Snow in Season1 of the anime. Yes… season2 was finished and, like, a total of 15 live performances have happened between the creation and the completion of this story LOL Back to the plot. Seven is said to be a magical number in the HP verse and that’s why each Arc has 7 chapters. Arc 1 is the Intro, Arc 2 is the turning point, Arc 3 is the climax and the resolution. Sounds easy and straightforward so I thought I would’ve finished the story within a year. Well. It ended up almost taking two years lmao. Obligations IRL aside, new ideas, more AUs, more fanarts etc also make sticking to the update schedule difficult. It’s the worst when it comes to writer’s block – you have the outlines, you know what’s supposed to happen in a chapter, yet the words just aren’t flowing and you’re stuck. Thankfully, with you lovely readers giving the feedback and encouragement I need, I made it over each bump on the road to get to the finale. Hanamaru wrote most of this story, yes. Each chapter titles with exception of Ruby’s interlude and ch18-19 also showed up in ch21. The title of the ‘book’ is supposed to be revealed in the Epilogue but, since I had to upload it onto Fanfiction.Net, I can’t just call it LLSHP AU so I had to reveal “Yoshiko Tsushima and the Fallen Angel” right away. Back then I called this a temporary title because I did think about giving this story an alternate title, since she didn’t write the interludes, ch21 and the epilogue. However, at the end of the day, this still suits the story best. After all, the individual titles for ch21 and the epilogue make up the story’s title.

“Yoshiko has always known that she isn't normal like everyone else. Surely, she would master everything about magic at Hogwarts, and become the amazing fallen angel she's meant to be. Little did she know, her school year would be more than eventful as she makes great friends, uncovers secrets, and learns what it truly means to be Yohane.” - this is the summary I put on Fanfiction.Net. It speaks from both Yoshiko the Narrator’s perspective, and Yoshiko from the Epilogue’s perspective. It probably sounds confusing but I hope you understand what I mean. So, what’s next? I’ve invested a lot in this world of LLSHP AU already and there are still so many more possibilities, especially with the rather open ending both ch21 and the epilogue presents, so I’m definitely not done with this AU! Since I have the memory of a goldfish, I don’t know if I’ve already mentioned this but the prequel will be told mostly in Mari’s POV. It will have occasional Dia and Kanan POVs too (because I’m a shameless 3yrs-oshi and writer privilege); Rather than taking forever to write and cramping the scenes into a massive interlude chapters, I’ve decided to split it in shorter chapters - this will roughly be a 12-part story that took place before the main story, showcasing segments of the kanadiamari’s first 3 years at Hogwarts.

This prequel is… relatively normal and lighter compared to the main story, meaning it’s more school-oriented and more slice-of-life episodes for the most part (at least, that’s the outline), and much more Professor cameos. There will be more N-card girls to be showcased as well, such as kanadiamari’s Housemates and Quidditch teammates. Overall, it’ll be shiny °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖° There will not be a full sequel to the main story. Instead, there will be blips/drabbles about events that happen after the main story, as teased in the Epilogue - the TriWizard Tournament for one XD And, unlike the main story, the ideas for blips in this sequel-timeline are more vague, so I’ll be able to incorporate new content into it (as in, from official content 2017 onward such as proper characterization of Saint Snow).

There are plans for omake/filler fun blips as well - little incidents that happened throughout the main story or, rather, ‘excerpts’ that Hanamaru wrote but didn’t make it to the final version of her book. The first Halloween, more scenes with the Professors, birthdays and so on.

There are also plans for character-exclusive blips as well, similar to an Interlude. For example, DiaRiko’s ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) cough cough.

My tentative plan is to keep going with the prequel, and maybe every few chapter or so I’d write a sequel-timeline blip. I’ll see how my muse and inspiration is in the future, I’m already extremely satisfied that I finished the main story XD And I do want to work on some of my other existing AUs (ie Animus AU and Mafia AU just because I’ve already invested time in creating the concept arts and so I don’t want them to sink into oblivion…) or who knows, there might be new AUs. I mean, pretty much every new SIF set is enough to inspire a brand new AU please allow me a moment to giggle like the trash I am over the DiaRiko UR set *pterodactyl screech*

AHEM. Another thing is illustration/artworks. Since most of my time was spent on writing, there are much fewer artworks than I would’ve liked for this story. I think I mentioned this somewhere that I’d love to have an individual cover art for each chapter alas, no time at all DX I’d like to have at least one illustration per chapter too but OTL I can only pick one and so for this AU I chose writing over drawing. Cry.

Anyway, I’ve rambled long enough and I think I’ve talked about everything I want to get off my chest. If you have any questions/feedback, go ahead and fire’em at me, since I’m now able to answer anything without fear of spoilers now XD (unless your question is about the prequel or things that happen in the sequel-timeline)

Thanks for reading the whole thing and, ofc, staying with me until the end of this story!

#LLSHP AU #athyra rambles #really just athyra blabbering #this thing is almost 3k #at least it's shorter than the Patronus Ramble lmao #but yeah I think that's everything #all that's left are the fun times with the prequel and blips #makings-of #I feel accomplished to have come this far #it really has been an amazing journey #yeah I think that's everything I want to say #it's not like this is the end-end...#prequel and other stuff

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gundampilot · 7 years ago

Photo

Inspired by @dialup2002 to post some more old stuff. :) This is a desktop screenshot I posted on my DevART account January 2005. Kicking it with Windows XP, but I loved/preferred the classic style that I was accustom to (95-98-ME). I made the wallpaper used, but I’m having trouble finding a copy of it. I’ll prob try to remake it in non-1024x768 resolution lmao. Not sure if this is from 2005. It might have been from 2004, but I hadn’t posted it yet. I did that a lot. Some fun notes about some of the software icons pictured (lots of info):

Firefox - THE FIRST BROWSER TO DO TABS OMG. I was a huge advocate for Firefox, especially in its initial releases. They were doing things on the internet nobody had really seen up to that point, and made it popular! Since I had so many issues (as most people do) with Internet Explorer, I was shopping around for a new browser at the time of this shot. Google Chrome didn’t exist yet. (Can you imagine??)

IE - As stated above, I disliked IE. It was kept for various reasons, however. Such as testing website layouts, since the mass-majority of people used it and things looked different in browsers when you were coding.

Opera - While giving Firefox a try, I also managed to snag a very, very early copy of Opera. I’ve always been the type of person that loved to try out new stuff as early as possible, and this was a very special piece of software that I wanted to give a go. The reason that it was special? You had to send away for a CD for it. That’s right, kids. They snail-mail’ed me a CD because it was considered “commercial software.” I paid to get that browser lmfao. I was super super hyped later in 2005, because it became “freeware” and I was able to more-easily push my friends to try it out. The devs were (and still are) seriously awesome. This is why I still use Opera as my main browser today! Ya’ll should try it if you aren’t already! You can even use your most-beloved Chrome extensions on it. :)

Soulseek & WinMX - Holy crap, you guys! lmao Is anyone here old enough to remember these programs?? XD This was basically where most people went after Napster bit the dust. This was when we were all scrambling, trying to find a new P2P sharing program. This was right in-between the eMule/Donkey phase and before the Limewire/KaZaA fiascos where people’s computers were being overloaded with viruses from companies trying to stop pirating. Ahh, the wild, wild west... Days were so exciting when you spent hours downloading something that could potentially ruin your computer lmao

WS_FTP - Still one of my favorite FTP programs for Windows! Works like a charm! These days I use Transmit 5 for Mac, but this was my first program ever for file transfer protocol. It’s basically a tool for uploading files to my website’s server, because back when I first registered it, there was no web uploader for that kinda stuff. Now I stick with that because it’s easier and I’m used to it lol

Veo Digital Studio - Used to use this for my webcam back before webcams were built into laptops, and before they were common enough to have amazing freeware available for them. (Also this is hilarious.) The quality was horrible, but I was hella excited to take pictures and share them with friends and on my blog at the time. From what I remember, there was something I used after this that was some type of South Korean selca software. Haduri? Something like that. It was really cute and even let you do little animations. :)

Animation Shop - Okay. So... from what I remember, this might have been owned by the people that made Paint Shop Pro? I think it was Corel. I honestly don’t remember where I got this from, but this is what I used to use to make animated gifs (because Photoshop just....didn’t for some reason? I had to use PSP at some point, I remember that. I just don’t remember why lmao. It might have been my copy didn’t allow it, or my computer was just too shit to run it good enough, or just stopped working because....Windows).

Adobe Photoshop 5.0 - I originally got this rip from a friend of mine, whose dad got a CD from his company that he worked at. It was an official/real license, which was really awesome! I think this was the first version of Photoshop I ever owned (!!), which is pretty amazing to think about about! I had that CD copy for a few years. I initially was gifted a copy of the CD around 2001-2002 or so. I know for a fact I had newer versions (7.0 was legend before CS suite came around), so I’m not sure why I was using this one at this point lmao. My guess is, like mentioned above, something happened with my computer and I didn’t want to format it and reinstall everything lol or because it was the fastest version I had installed to boot up and do a quick photo edit.

Adobe Photoshop 7.0 - I do remember this took a long time to start up. I can only imagine this was like a bad pirated copy or something, or was so bloated with new stuff in it, and that’s why I kept 5.0 for a quick boot. I know I used this majority of the time, though. Most of my backups for brushes and fonts are from backups that include 7.0 as a zip. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ My computer wasn’t the most powerful at the time, despite what I pushed it to do, so this is prob why. But hell yeah! Photoshop represent! lol I still use it today, and its still one of the first things I install on a fresh OS install. Enjoying CC 2017 these days.

Nero Start Smart - I was so excited to make mix CDs and share them! Back in the day before you had stuff like playlists that were sharable on YouTube/Spotify, etc, you had this to share music. Or play in your car. Or CD walkman. Nero was a software you could burn your CD-Rs and make your own laser-etched album art! I begged for years to get a CD burner lmao. Back when casette tapes were still around enough that my parents were like “but why???” lmao. They were not common back in the day like they became over time, just, like, included on your computer. Back then you had to buy one and install it into your computer tower yourself! I got mine I believe.....in 2001? It was the year after the Playstation 2 was released. The first one I got was just a very standard burner. Did a very specific type of CD burning at a low (slow af) speed. It was $700 lmfao. Let that sink in for a minute because my parents didn’t let me forget about it for the next four years lmfao. I saved up birthday and Christmas money and went halves on it. Then I upgraded to the one that this one was! c: Which did the laser etching, and DVD burning! (And you better believe I was burning DVDs of stuff I was downloading online lmfao this was the golden age of the internet where everything was just available everywhere as long as you had the patience to download that shit, because it took forever to download)

Volume Control - My dad and I messed with the wires on all of these random computer speakers and stereo speakers that we had collected over the years and hotwired our own version of a 5.0 surround sound in the room, which was mounted to the ceiling corners and above the computer station. It was lit. I needed Volume Control easily accessible because sometimes the speakers needed redirecting, or I needed to turn the beats down because my mother was tired of my fifth time playing the Gundam Wing OSTs and Miyavi. (It was metal, okay???)

Windows Media Player - I did not use this to listen to media. Let me reiterate that. I did not use it to listen to media on. lol this was specifically used to rip tracks from CDs that friends lent me, because it was the easiest software I was able to use to change the KBPs for quality control and the ID3 tags so I could save it and organize it for use in Winamp and know wtf I was listening to lol. Nobody used WMP for listening to music.... xD

Winamp - The best music player. Period. Still. Nothing beats it. Pls, pls, Nullsoft! Come back and make a native version for MacOS. :’(((( I would buy it! Doesn’t even have to have new features or look different. Classic look, pls pls!

Media Player Classic - Do people still use it??? This player was amazing! Paired with k-lite codec pack, it played everything. It was like VLC before VLC. And it looked good. Clean. Small. Could be installed anywhere which was nice. And the codec packs just made everything look and run fantastic!

Recycle Bin - .... Trash XD

Magnifier - This was for my dad because he had bad eyes and couldn’t remember CTRL +/-/0 to increase the text on pages that he wanted to read.

My Documents - Where I saved all the stuff I downloaded. Not the real My Docs. Just a folder that I named as such, with a custom icon. I don’t know why I wanted it there lol. I think to just have a uniform square on my desktop haha

Journal - I renamed this. I forget the original name of the client, but it was the official client of LJ. It was basically a program that let you write up posts for Livejournal and you could format things, draft them, etc, and post without uploading to your journal/blog. I liked it because sometimes I couldn’t post right away, and it made making drafts a lot easier for me to go back and edit. It also let you edit past posts, which was really convenient instead of looking for it on the web version one post at a time.

AIM+ - I loved AOL Instant Messenger, but over time the ads became too much. I invested a lot of time in 3rd party clients. I was constantly switching between AIM+, Adium, DeadAIM, Pigeon, Trillion, etc. Depended on what I wanted to do that day. Want to clone a SN? Want to skin the colors of the chats? Need transparency? Want to customize your lists? Want to log into more than one msg system at once? They all had their strengths. This was my msg service of choice. Back in the day you were either on this, MSN, or Yahoo!. Some people rocked ICQ and there were a few others, but these were the most common from who I knew/hung out with. I miss those days. <3

You can see WinMX running in the taskbar lmfao so I was prob downloading something at the time of snagging this quick shot. I also had DevART open (prob because I was gonna share this on there). I really wish I had more programs open at the time of this! XD It’s wild to look back at some of the software changes over the years!

Anyway, that’s one of my oldest screenshots that I can find that I’m able to share right now. :) I’m going to be posting a remake of that wallpaper that I did later today for those of you that want that, too.

If you read this far, thank you!! Hope you had fun reading about old stuff!��

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smoakd · 7 years ago

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HVFF: Atlanta 2017 - My First Con Experience

I wanted to summarize how my first con experience was! God I had such a blast meeting fandom friends and David, Stephen, and Emily. I'm just going to split up my different experiences with OTA (who are pretty much the only people I met this weekend).

Emily:

Emily was the first person I met on Saturday. The first time I saw her I honestly thought she was photoshopped because she is that gorgeous in real life. I was actually really impressed that she was the first one there, I think she got there promptly at 9 -9:15 to start signing. The line was insanely long and I totally understand why. It's amazing how much attention she gave each and every person who met her, she actually took the time to have a conversation with everyone. It's something I genuinely wasn't expecting and what's great is that she seemed very comfortable talking to everyone.

My chat with Emily was awesome too. She absolutely loved the gift I gave her (which was a kitchen magnet of meme faces her dog Ophie makes) and showed it to her friend and literally laughed so hard with that ridiculously infectious laugh of hers. Anyways when she calmed down, I asked my question and it took a bit to get it out because I was kind of freaking nervous but Emily was totally patient and gave me all of her attention… I showed her a picture of all the times Felicity was on top and asked her why that is and credit where credit's due she didn't falter, didn't look nervous, but immediately responded that she's a badass and she likes being on top lol.

I saw Emily again on Sunday but it was clear she was a lot busier and didn't have the same time as she did on Saturday which is fair. She didn't make as much conversation but she was still really sweet. I still managed to ask her a question though - she gave me the same exact attention as she did on Saturday which I very much appreciated. I asked her hypothetically whether if Felicity were to get married would she take Oliver's last name, hyphenate, or keep her own last name? And Emily actually gave a very passionate response. She said that in her opinion she'd want Felicity to keep her own last name because that's who she is, Felicity is a Smoak and she'd hate for her to lose that. She also mentioned that if she were to ever get married she'd want to keep her own last name too.

Onto Emily's photo op sessions, they were so much fun! She was so bubbly and light and had so much energy it was awesome to see and so incredibly infectious. She is just pure happiness personified. She kept dancing in between ops and her friends (Carina/Jarett) were there too and they were respectful and nice too. They were playing Celine Dion's song "All Coming Back to Me Now" - and I obviously started singing along and Carina basically screamed "YES, THANK YOU!" when she saw that I was, it was kinda funny. But yeah the photo ops went by way too quickly but Emily was totally gracious and sweet the entire time.

Stephen:

I met Stephen on both days too and my experience with him changed dramatically between Saturday and Sunday. I really wasn't impressed with him on Saturday. He didn't really seem into having any conversations, he seemed kinda moody, although he did laugh at the present I gave him and said thank you but I honestly expected more from my interaction with him… I can't really say that much about our interaction on Saturday, I asked him why Felicity was always on top and he kinda brushed it off and said ask Emily. So yeah it didn't seem like he was in a fun mood. Even at the photo ops he wasn't into it. You could really tell by his demeanor and energy level. I think we all figured that it's because of the whole wrestling thing from the night before…

But on Sunday I was honestly surprised how much his mood lifted. He paid a lot more attention, was wayyyy more appreciative of the gift I got him, and he was definitely a lot more playful with the way he signed my friend's photo of Oliver/Felicity's wedding kiss. He playfully asked "Where is this from!?" while very slowly drawing question marks on the picture :p Stephen also gave us a couple of spoilers like how Oliver will get his dessert by the end of the year and how the Hoffmans are going to return in 609 - we would've told him we know that but we didn't want to break his heart lmao.

I was honestly so impressed by him on Sunday, he was really charming and did I mention gorgeous? Oh my god that man is just… A+ especially when he looks at you his eyes are just so blue.

Not only that but during photo ops he was way more enthusiastic! He seemed so excited! His hugs were a lot tighter and his smile was brighter too. During my OTA op I asked for a sort of group hug? I asked for David to be behind me and before I could say I wanted Emily in the middle too Stephen basically said "I want to hug you!" and opened his arms. Seriously, how could I resist? It was impossible so I walked straight into his arms lmao. God in that moment I loved him so much. That interaction just really made me so incredibly happy. And in my other Olicity op which I will upload later this weekend, I showed him a picture of what I wanted and he was just so awesome about it. He said "I gotchu" and proceeded to really enthusiastically recreate the prompt.

So yeah, Sunday totally made up for Saturday with Stephen. I'm really happy about that and meeting him. He really does seem like such a great guy in real life.

David:

All I can say is I am in love with this man. YEP. TOTALLY in love. David spends so much time with his fans it's just incredible. Not only that but he's a lot more open and warm and personal. Literally the first thing he does when you come up to him is give you the biggest bear hug. It's no joke, he is one of the best huggers ever. Seriously he holds you so tight and he smells so good ugh. I just love him.

Anyways I managed to give David my present (the same one as I gave Stephen) - it was a shirt with a vector of Diggle and next to it, it says "WWJDD - What Would John Diggle do". He loved it SO much seriously he literally gave me 3 more hugs after that. Not only that but he took like 3 selfies with me. After that he signed the picture I gave him and I swear he kept saying my name over and over again it was just so sweet and heart melting. Not only that but before I left he gave me ANOTHER hug. I swear I smelled like David for the next few hours and it was awesome lmao

I told David I got him another shirt (same kind different color) and I'd deliver it to him on Sunday and when I got back to him he not only remembered me but he first of all gave me another hug. At first it wasn't a bear hug like the one he gave me on Saturday so I legit held on tighter and he said"oh my god you're so good at giving hugs" and reciprocated!!! Anyways he was again so appreciative of the gift and of just me in general and we just hugged another 4 times it was so awesome. I accidentally let it slip out on our 3rd hug that he smelled so good and he was like "yeah people keep telling me that!" and I asked him what it was and he said "well I don't want to tell you because then you'd think of me while you're with your man - wait a minute OK I'll tell you" it was so hilarious :p He DID end up telling me what he was wearing though .

Anyways, I was so so so happy with my interaction with him words can't express how genuine, warm, and kind David is. I will mention this again because I can't stress this enough - I literally fell in love with David Ramsey this weekend.

---

I'm so incredibly happy with my interactions with all of them. Stephen, Emily, David are just the sweetest most beautiful people and their chemistry, their interactions, all their hugs they gave each other throughout the weekend just goes to show why they work on screen. You could even see it in the panel just how easily they all got along with each other. You can see they are best of friends and have the highest respect for one another. I know there will be people who think that the questions sucked but to me the panel was so much fun. We didn't get a lot of spoilers but we got to see OTA interact in real life, we got to see them have fun, and god that girl Addison telling OTA that she liked Emily better was PRICELESS lmao!

Anyways, I don't really know what else to say other than this weekend was just everything I wanted it to be and more and I genuinely hope I get to go to more cons in the future.

#Stephen Amell #Emily Bett Rickards #David Ramsey #HVFF Atlanta #Con Experience #HVFF

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nightcitydiary · 4 years ago

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entry 18

I’m absolutely certain I won’t be able to get across everything I felt while playing the end of this game. But I’ll do my best.

I spent a lot of time deliberating over the choices I was given, during this end section. And I took over 800 screenshots from the start of the point of no return onwards.

I knew at this point that the game was fully capable of ending at V’s death. And it all hung heavy. And while I don’t like to think about these things regarding myself -- I have a problem with that kind of thing, it got to my very core, considering these things for V.

It would not have been out of the question for V to have shot himself on that rooftop. And it would not have been a shameful choice. But here, I got to thinking about everything that V had done with his life up until this point. And most importantly, all the people who he had met, and who had wormed their ways into his heart. All the people he’s called friends. All the people he calls family. He loves them all dearly. He doesn’t want to leave any of them behind. And he doesn’t want to push them away when they’ve openly offered help and kinship.

So I went to the Aldecaldos for help. Even if they would put themselves in danger for me... I wanted to be with them; to give them that chance. It’s not like I wouldn’t die for any of them.

I love Misty tbh. And I fully appreciate her perspective. I think it adds a whole new dimension to the themes of the game.

I really liked the whole sequence with the aldecaldos. I did NOT expect to get welcomed into them as family, just not something I had considered, but it makes perfect sense, and leads to what I consider to be the best possible ending for my V.

I knew going in that potentially all of them could die on this run, so damn if I wasn’t emotionally moved by this.

And I loved being able to walk around and talk to the clan; have their responses be shaped by what quests i’ve completed for them before. These are people I might be spending the rest of my life with, one way or another, might as well get to know them lol. That shooting minigame was also fun.

The fight through to arasaka was intense. And the fight with adam smasher was pretty damn good. I wish so much that there were more fights like that in the game. The use of the towers to block smasher’s missiles was an interesting use of the environment (and this game’s fights are best when they use the environment) and I liked having an excuse to use my upgraded jump to follow smasher to the upper levels. It was fast and intense and made me consider the environment and opponents and I loved it. CDPR pls give us fights like that in the dlcs.

And then I go into the brainfreezer, have an emotional sendoff with Jackie, because you know I just fucking died as my brain gets uploaded into an engram, so of course I see him. See you in the afterlife, Jackie.

And then Alt starts quoting fucking T.S. Eliot at me, whose poems I LOVE. And it starts getting really fucking emotional. I’ve since gone back and reread several other T.S. Eliot poems since then with cyberpunk in mind, and wow. My experience has been expanded upon.

So then this happened. And my heart went into my throat.

All that we worked for. All the people that died. All the people that could be dying out there right now to fight for me. And at best I come back with six months.

I don’t know how to explain the rapid, circular, conflicted, emotional, back-and-forth my brain went through when presented with the choice.

And, I love when games are able to do this. When they seem to reach through the screen, and become part of your thoughts. The game gains a new dimension within yourself. The designed conflict is that within your own brain.

It took me a long time to decide. Probably over an hour. I went downstairs to mom, who was starting to work on dinner, and told her all about it, to maybe get someone to bounce thoughts off of. It helped a lot. She had a few insights; told me about a book she had read from the perspective of someone who was old, and dying, and who spoke a lot with cancer patients who were most likely going to die soon.

And what would it have looked like, if I had gone? What future would there be for me, beyond? Could I be happy? Could I find solace? Could I change the world for the better? Could I have friends and family? And what would I leave behind? My friends would have to watch Johnny walking around in my body, the very future I worked so hard to avoid. And every time they’d see my face on the street, they’d be reminded that I was gone. That I had left them. That I was effectively dead. And that some asshole interloper was walking around in my stolen skin.

And If I stayed? What then? I would live for six months. That’s not even a fucking year. I would live to see spring, maybe the start of summer, and then I would be gone forever. Has all this struggle been worth six months of life? And my friends, several of whom have lost family members fighting for me; what would be the point for them? Would they blame me? Would they not see it as worth it?

I had to let go of the worthiness aspect to decide. I had to look at the facts. V loves his friends, and his family, and he loves to live. And he will not go gently. Six months is not just time to spend among them, but a fighting chance. And even if we fail, if six months really is all he has, it would be okay, to be himself, and to be among those he adores. More okay than it would be to leave them behind.

It’s not the end of my train of thought. I could go back and forth on this decision forever if I wanted to. Every time I seemed to have decided that one choice was worse, I would look at the other and think ‘god, I can’t do that to myself. I can’t do that to them.’ It was agonizing. I love that a game can do this to me.

And so, I stayed. And I left.

I think that the sequence after my choice was particularly beautiful. It was nice to watch night city go.

Slightly less nice to have to leave without Kerry. But I suppose it would have been out of character. And I understand his emotional state.

I like that he rode in delamin. I probably gave him permission to get driven around by excelsior. I’ll miss that car.

And the sequence that followed... damn.

I can’t name it either, V. So I won’t try to. I just have to say, I love all of this.

And the moment, after the panzer went through the tunnel, and it turned to 3rd person. I was, floored. And I got it. V is no longer mine.

He is free. From Night City. From my control. From the game itself. He goes where I cannot follow. And I hope he finds what he is looking for out there. I hope he is warm and happy and safe and loved.

Goodbye Night City, and goodnight.

#cyberpunk 2077 #cyberpunk 2077 spoilers #diary entry #entry 18

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dimensiontripperhibiki · 7 years ago

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Hi there! :) First I want to make clear that I love your writing SO MUCH (you’re in my top3 best writers list, considering all fandoms), I love all your ships and rarepair (God bless you for the all the EliMaki, KotoMaki, NozoUmi, NozoHono, KotoNico, ecc.), and I also love when you mix Aqours x Muse ships (NozoKanan, NicoRiko, I will pray for EliDia lol). Your writing is neat and involving, whether it’s about adventure, feelings or NSFW <3 But I feel like you tend to mix up “ship moods” when you write many fanfics at the same time, and I must confess sometimes I get a bit confused…? Like, I understand HonoEli is your favorite ship (and you made me love it), but at least LIB started as NozoEli, and you were intentioned to keep the HonoEli platonic, right? Then ok, you decided to make it HonoEli, and I can totally understand how this happened in the past timeline… But not how romantic feelings suddenly appeared also in the future timeline and spin offs?

Continued and answered under cut….

And while you were in the middle of your HonoEli moment, it somehow influenced also the other fics you were writing at the same time. In ANITW it was supposed do be HonoUmi or HonoChika, and somhow it became HonoEli centric. Even in Addiction, HonoEli’s friendship had too much spotlight in the last few chapters (in my opinion). Or even the latest uploaded chapter, how you moved PanaNico from LIB to ANITW. The NicoRiko thing was interesting, why didn’t you go on with it and keep the PanaNico for LIB? It was such a sudden change, I felt like I was reading a different fic. I wish you could stick to the original plan of the story (like you did for KotoMaki in ANITW), or at least I wish you could make the change of mind smoother (like how the ChikaRiko turned into ChiKanan makes sense and it’s very well written. Even LIB’s NicoMaki –> KotoMaki makes sense). If you feel the urge to write a certain ship (especially HonoEli) in the next fic, you can still write one shots or deleted scenes as you used to do. You’re ofc free to write whatever you want (I would still read it and love it anyway xD), but it would be cool if, for example, you didn’t make the YouChika in LIB become a KanaYouChika. I know you love writing KanaChika after ANITW, but I would rather like you to write a oneshot about it. It would make much more sense 3rd years OT3 angst LOL, I would like it to stay that way :D But still THANK YOU for your hard work, your writing really makes my days ^^

Well first of all, thanks! I’m glad you like my writing and the rare pair ships. Honestly, I can barely even ship anyone else with Maki at this point, now that I’ve started writing KotoMaki. Hmm, yeah Let It Burn definitely started out as being NozoEli with HonoEli seemingly completely platonic but I didn’t really intend for it to be completely platonic. Like I was writing it so that F!Honoka was somewhat in denial over her feelings for Eli which was why she was so adamantly denying that she had any and why she constantly put it down to familial love etc. In the beginning chapters she would get SUPER worked up whenever anyone approached the idea of her having any romantic feelings for Eli. But it was always meant to be like that. I just kind of worked up to it rather than outright SAYING that Honoka was in love with Eli in the future. While I don’t think that LIB was in any way a spontaneous decision to go with the Honoka and Eli ship (even if it seemed to happen quickly) you are in a way right about ANITW. I didn’t start it out planning to go with Honoka and Eli but as you said, I was writing Honoka and Eli at the time so because I liked writing Honoka and Eli, the ship did change from potentially ChikaHono to Honoka and Eli. I would, however, say that in the ‘latest’ chapters of ANITW, everyone has equal focus (almost) so I don’t think I’m focusing too much on an specific ship. Even if I do focus on a particular ship between chapters, each ship or character tends to get a chapter that’s focused on them somewhat. Like Hanayo and Nico are being focused on at the moment. And Koto and Maki. Honestly, the change in the NicoRiko thing is pretty much just because my opinion when it comes to Riko changed drastically so I don’t really…write her character anymore. There’s no way I could have stuck with that. So I had to write my way out if it, in a way. So it wasn’t at all that I felt the urge to write a different ship, it was more like I didn’t feel at all comfortable writing a certain character anymore. And I still don’t, which is why at this point Riko is just BARELY a background character in A Name In The Wind. I just can’t write her to any degree (though to be fair I’m trying a little bit to include her). Not sure what I’m doing with the third years or seconds years or any combination of them in LIB (when it comes to Aqours anyway) but I would mention that the third year ship is never going to happen in that. Not that I mind it, it’s just not something I’m writing or thinking about writing. There will be angst between them but no relationship really. Ah, shoot. Just read over your question again and I want to mention also that HonoUmi was always meant to be unrequited in ANITW. My main aim by doing that really was you know, Umi angst, KotoHonoUmi friendship etc. Also I don’t really know if the HonoEli could be described as spontaneous in that either. Like there was SUDDENLY a lot of focus on it but I wouldn’t say it happened randomly. There was quite a build up to it - and in this case it really helped the storyline along by putting more pressure on Chika and causing issues in Honoka’s life. So yeah, um…sorry about the long reply. And thanks for your comment but I do hope you see where I’m coming from, especially with the NicoRiko thing. :) Edit: Also with the KananChikaYou thing, I haven’t really gone into it much in terms of Kanan being used by Mari. If I was going to go with KananChikaYou (In LIB obviously) it would be because Chika and You actually care about her, rather than use her. That’s not to say Mari doesn’t CARE about Kanan because obviously she does, that would be insanely out of character but you know, given her ability she has little choice but to use Kanan. If there’s any KananChikaYou, it’ll be built up on emotional attraction and then go to physical attraction. Also I forgot to mention but HanaNico was planned to be honest, it just hadn’t been mentioned. Sometimes I just allude to thinks rather than stating them outright, sometimes it’s not even mentioned if it’s not relevant and the focus is elsewhere but with this there are little hints, like Nico being the only one to know about Hanayo’s smoking habit etc. There will definitely be more to show how the HanaNico relationship got to where it is now (in the form of flashbacks),

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violetemerald · 7 years ago

Video

youtube

Or watch the version with all sorts of potentially distracting, potentially just explanatory, text on top of the screen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Htd9luUsMe8

I had to delete the first copy of the no-text version and re-render/re-upload because I forgot to list Shameless as a fandom in the end credits. And I wanted to fix a small 1 frame black gap. But yeah there are actually 33 fandoms, not 32, I had missed one when counting them up, whoops!! XD For the original posting with the text all over, the original text version, I’m not deleting and re-posting because it’s an entry in a contest, but the mistakes are still present in there. But yeah this is my entry for the 3rd and Final round of the Who You Are contest GlowingAprilSky has been hosting, season 2. The round was called "Journey Backwards" and the rules stated here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVJHoaJ-cDE explain: "Start from where you are now, and go back to the beginning of your story. Show me all about you and your story."

Ask if you want me to type up the voiceovers.

Starting off with where I'm at currently in my life, I just turned 28 years old and I'm:

1. starting to do real Asexual Activism including last weekend I presented at one workshop and at one caucus at the Creating Change (an LGBTQ) conference in my city, I'm

2. employed and doing well at my administrative assistant type contractor job in a government building, I'm

3. learning to face my grief over my friend perpetrating a murder-suicide. See this video for more info: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGPFGnZ3XEE

4. I live with my wonderful dad as an adult with no intention of moving out anytime soon, and my dad has been having a few health diagnosis things lately and needs heart surgery to put in a defibrillator very soon

(Now those 4 are all kinda overlapping and at once. I'm trying to do this whole vid in reverse-chronological order, but my dad specifically found out in December he'd need to get a defibrillator ASAP so that a fairly likely sudden heart event will, instead of almost certainly killing him, much more likely him surviving it, surgery has now been scheduled for February, whereas it was still the end of November when my suicidal podcasting partner murdered his wife before ending his own life. But my grief over that friend of mine I did a podcast with, the part of this that is “my story”, is an ongoing thing (as grief often is)-that spans both before and after me finding out about my dad's recent news with his health. Similarly ongoing is me living with him as it's a “for many years” situation that's still important to capture SOMEWHERE for an autobiographical vid. Etc. So I was trying my best and picking when and how to capture a lot of this.

The car crash happened when I was distracted and near-tears over my breakup because of the music I was listening to too intensely and I think that's one of the "life events in my story" that I won't be forgetting any time soon.

So much of this vid is more personal than I can explain, little choices of scenes that ring truer than you could even know.

I think blogging helped me a lot with processing my asexuality and my mother's abuse, and I did it for years and still do it. I started about my mom on tumblr in 2010 even maybe but my real WordPress blog I started in 2014.

Around 1:43-1:48 in the video is me having started attending Asexual Meetups in mid-2014! Which is a HUGE deal, all my closest friends since then were pretty much from that group plus I organize the meetups a lot of the time now, host in my house etc!

Right after that, 1:48-1:52 I kinda "gloss over" my uncle's suicide which really was a pretty huge traumatic deal, and I still am grieving him in some ways, of course I am, he was such a great guy. I went on a suicide prevention walk last summer (2016) with him in mind but that didn't make it into the video, eventually I'll finish a full vid themed just around loved ones of suicidal people, I already started such a vid around then...

I really stressed before I knew about asexuality about being a 22 year old person who had never been kissed, being a 23 year old virgin, about being a social failure. I believed the amatonormative idea's like what John says to Sherlock ( https://everydayfeminism.com/2016/04/amatonormativity-expectations/ ) and I tried online dating and finally went on a date and had a first kiss, as soon as I healed from my foot surgery. I had this final foot surgery right after I graduated college. I spent a lot of my life on crutches, in casts, if you add up all 3 surgeries, the chronic foot pain after I first broke it is an important part of "my story" so I wanted to jam it in there. Go OTH for having a realistic recovery time and elevating Haley's foot a lot. ;) Not the 5 pillow high like me since it was so painful and needed to be so elevated but... STILL. XD

Blake on Criminal Minds is maybe the only Linguist I've ever seen on TV? Not realistic at all and I think a lot of what they call Forensic Linguistics is just myth and Criminal Minds is a pretty imperfect show but whatever. :P

I also "glossed over" just how important and involved I was in atheist circles, although the fact that I later volunteered for a hotline where people might call in and say "I think I'm an atheist" for 2.5 years maybe gives you some idea. My podcast was about atheism, and I also occasionally organize atheist meetups and regularly attend some atheist and freethinker meetup groups since around mid-2015. I'd like to probably make a full length atheism vid at some point. :P Which is a weird topic but I'd like to try. There's... There's NO good representation that goes far enough at all on TV, but I appreciate Grey's Anatomy a lot for doing what they've done with Jackson, and I'm glad Kurt on Glee was an atheist while being a beloved person who isn't even known for being too scientific or anything. Appreciate less that Grey's Anatomy, in season 14's premiere, seemingly erased Amelia's atheism that was first present on Private Practice (see this vid above)... :P

I withdrew from Chemistry, Semantics 2, and Infectious Human Disease in college. Those left W's on my transcript, which are better than failing. I had to make up the credits by taking summer classes at a different college in order to graduate on time (took French and Biological Athropology classes as my credits instead over two summers). I also "dropped", penalty free, Russian, and Medieval Spanish History. Senior year of high school I was living with my grandmother and lonely and became truly unhealthily addicted to vidding, which I still clearly am now a decade later but I think vidding is a part of my story that didn't make it into the vid (perhaps that would have been too meta?) lol... but I started then, senior year of high school, to get worse grades. My straight-A, I'm naturally smart and will succeed and am a little bit of a perfectionist tendencies were suddenly just flipped and not true really?? XD

Hopefully most of this is fairly self-explanatory. The court stuff could be pretty traumatic so I tried to capture those feelings... I've vidded stuff about my abusive mom before and about Beverly/Scarlett in general, and about Maggie/Abby in both a collab and my first ever personal vid about my mom... I was trying to vid mainly stuff I haven't before in those vids. :) I appreciate for my own sake the variety. And I rushed the ending to squeeze in some of me as a little kid.

I think I still belong with my dad, my whole life is tied together by my great dad. :) But also I just liked that Molly is a young girl and happy and that smile would be a fun way to end the video... :P I wasn't sure when I was editing it that that scene was really about my dad, until I was adding the text on top of the screen.

There is plenty left out but I'm pretty happy with this current result in terms of most of the really significant parts of my life story.

I think this song is about wanting "To let go of the pain I've held so long", to get from the bad to somewhere better. I think I'm pretty close to finding somewhere I belong in my life. I think this summarizes my past pretty well though, it's a little too angsty of a song but the lyrics are honestly HOPEFUL in some ways. It's about, as the bridge says, knowing yourself now that you do this on your own, it's about wounds healing, finding yourself!

Anyway... if you've read the whole description, WOW thank you for being so invested in learning more about my life. :P

#multi-fandom #actually asexual #abusive mother #fanvideo #atheism

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