#lol no wonder I was rejected bro this sucks ass | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

vanityloves · 4 years ago

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anyways im gonna listen to/read the fuckin...rise of the ogre shit bc ive been putting it off 🪓🥴 im gonna put stuff under the cut bc im gonna be TALKING n dont wanna make a new post everytime

piss

ok he performed for 2 pounds 50. which is basically $3 today i- well it was absolutely a power play on his father behalf that also had the promise of money so.

also lol he said Rejection fueled my ambitions which, yknow,, i already knew but it still hurts and i will continue to talk ab it xoxo

AH HELP. "...if ebay had been invented at the time he would've sold me online there and then,"

"man hands on misery to man, yknow"

THEN PROCEEDS TO CONNECT IT TO MUSIC/HIS CAREER. this man said :) the one thing i truly have a passion for. the one thing i fucking like.

oh yeah. bullied by students AND teachers.

oh god hes 42ish during this interview? ok.

the fuckin school bully saying he wouldve acted differently if he knew what hed become

getting called "faceache", then proceeds to call 2d that. jfc he really does just repeat what everyone says. really "treating others how i was treated/how they treat me"

maybe thats why? hes kinder to fans? bc :] you support me and like me so, ok ill return that energy

MURDOC GETTING HIS ASS BEAT N PARADING HOME LIKE WELL I WON BC 'I PISSED YOU OFF' SJDJD

a real rowdy boy. absolute nasty boy. fraud and arson... shooting ppls windows with his air pistols

black sabbath being a huge inspiration? fucking absolutely.

became a satanist n shit at age 16? "it fitted me like a glove" "heavy metal and devil worshipping became my favorite past times" ajsj funny that ppl in trying times often seek religion or following of some sort

heavy metal being his favorite, n loving the clash, while hannibals was more punk based

hannibal breaking murdocs nose for the 2nd and 3rd time for playing his music on hannibals turntable

he doesnt sound that bitter? ab hannibal? he doesnt sound incredibly fond but he talks ab how he got him into a lot of music. so, i imagine they we're a bit closer than i thought?

international baccalaureate in antisocial? anthropology?

MURDOC IS ACTUALLY SMART HE WAS JUST. NOT INTERESTED IN THE SUBJECTS? I GUESS? (also,,, he literally Built cyborg noodle and i think he had a PhD too lol. but its always nice to hear hes actually...yknow, interested or good at other things)

alright but murdoc having a fascination w/ other cultures - or at least some interests, that lead him to actually study the damn subject and "pass with flying colors"

'fuck college though. im gonna be a rockstar'

he sold his soul at 18ish? whenever the fuck he got kicked out but college was mentioned so my brain goes to 18ish idk

he lived with his father still and paid rent via low paying jobs one including 'part time dressing as santa'

help he was ab to take a Personal Job for quick cash and uhh well, "still made me call him sir though" he really said 20 dollars is 20 dollars, huh "that story was totally true"

alright, 1997,,,

2d stuff

loves zombie stuff? thats really cute, and is freaked out by the way they move. god he rambles

both he and murdoc are horses in the chinese zodiac

[[jfc ok if the official shit compares them a lot i understand why ppl ship them but Dont. its a narrative foil and that doesnt always mean Romance jfc.]]

SUMTHINK.

truly... a lil stinker. super cute bouncing baby and a "bit thick" which is stull so endearing to me. hes just a happy man!

excitable 10 year old and would dance around his room

jfc the fact he has normal/caring parents. i kinda forget how opposite hes supposed to be from murdoc but i think thats another thing jsjsysg (murdoc said why isnt my tragic story making me famous why does he get to be the Star. no wonder he acts like a loon)

i still dont get how gettin bonked by a tree branch made him go bald and also turn his hair blue

big tiddy nurse mommy,,,

went to the same school as The Cure and got decent grades despite hittin the noggin quite hard. WANTED TO BE A STORM CHASER... OMG??

oh thats really cute, hed bond with his dad by building keyboards toegther 🥺💕

messed around with paints and graffiti? artistic king

MURDOC AGAIN: QHDJ 'VILLANOUS' GANG HELP

oh yeah d day...new instruments, new band, new singer - and 'had to be the best or no dice' and absolutely CONFIDENT that his songs were bangers ajsjd

but on that same note, had absolute faith (or desperate) in 2d which i love

ransacked the fucking music shop jdjdj and 2d said he was Just Standing There behind the counter the whole shift hdhdh

"thats when your eye came out, yeah" "yeah!-" HELP WHY DOES HE SOUND SO HAPPY AB IT ?? yes he said ut hurt but he sounds...ok

jfc murdoc ragdolling this poor mf around. dunking him and slapping him around. actually? so incredibly terrible and abusive and i hate him for that 🔫 im sorry 2d stans. we dont condone that behavior here ong.

how and why the FUCK did 2d's parents allow that fucker near their child after that i??? help. wtf. his moms a nurse why didnt she just have murdoc sit in plain view of other people. god damn.

2d flying out the window n hitting the curb "whoops"

"just two black holes...[ah] it looked great...a blue hair, blacked eyed GOD- the girls would go wild-" "pretty boy looks" ???? HELP. HE DOESNT GO LIGHT ON THE COMPLIMENTS, HUH

RUSS TIME

oh yeah, he straight up kiddnapped this man help. idk how he managed that, russ is a Big Man??

AND MURDOCS MUSIC WAS SO FUCKING SEXY GOOD that russel said hm alright ill stay, :] out ifbhis owm free will im screaming.

"oh this is one of them febreeze commercials" "uh . yeah sure. *murdoc turning on his Sick Tunes*" but that either means? it was just his guitar playing the convinced russ? unless he and 2d recorded sumn?

"2d was the looks, murdoc the brains, then russel truly was the heart"

'while 2d and murdoc liked music, this man was a MUSICIAN' god fucking bless this book holy shit ny man russ getting some respect. he said back hurts from carrying this band.

murdoc basically heard this guy had big trauma that gave him So Many Skills n said "thats what i want" ok idk thats actually really? inch rest ting to me. seems that murdocs fine handing out compliments but i guess that where his charisma really helps out yeah?

"he was going to be in my band whether he liked it or not" ...murdoc-

HELP. 2D IS LIKE BRO GO ON IM LISTENING 🥺 despite hearing the story 50-60 times and murdoc said fuck off you lil shit.

ok irrelevant but i love his voice! its super comforting n nice to listen to 🥺

HELP MURDOCS SO BITTER. "NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TO US IS NORMAL" WELL YEAH. THIS IS TRAUMA CENTRAL.

idk how/why he sucked up all his friends souls though ... how are they all possessing the same person. they said "its my turn on The Russ"

DELL IS HIS ACTUAL, LITERAL SOULMATE...KING...😭

went to a private school,,, and was already possessed? and the thing where he gets bigger and smaller is a reoccurring thing?

was in a coma for 4 years?

hiphop machine...time and history...the ultimate set i guess.

his knowledge was infinite and hes a "Renaissance man" hes so fucking smart our king. jack of all trades but a master of drums. he said i know im good and what of it

PAULA.

HELP. HE RMBRS THE STALL: CUBICAL NUMBER 3 🥴 IF I DO RECALL 🤤

yes russel our king. fuck up his nose 5 more times. probably stunted his growth too. he shrunk after russ gave him a wallop im sure

why dies paula sound like tracer overwatch

also only dated 2d for 2 months before joining the band?

HELP SHE REALLY WAS THE FIRST MURDOC FUCKER: "but when i saw murdoc with his thick greasy hair, green teeth and yellow skin i thought 'oh this is the ine for me!'" "OH HES SUCH A DANDY-" HELP ME IM HQJDHD

sick in the head...like i want to hurt people help girl. shes fucking Crazy. but she rly said damn i didnt hear back from him again 😭 and my purse is gone JSHHD

MURDOC: SHE WAS DEPRESSINGLY UGLY *still fucked her*

NOODLE TIME

"small japanese person!"

2d: we werent gorillaz until noodle arrived!

im dying the reason he chose gorillaz. 'swinging through the jungle baring my ass'

noodle really said "im just happy to be here" and she balanced everyone out 😭 "she gave off pure love and the fact that she could laugh at murdoc REALLY helped too" RUSS... IS BABY

JFC MURDOCS SO FUCKING CONFIDENT IN THIS BAND IM LIVING FOR THAT. HE SAID YOU WANT US SO BAD IT MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID. THE CHARISMA

2d rambling ab some girl he met and "ssSs" "whats the s stand for hawhaw" "i dont know!".

THE RECORD LABEL GUY.

one song is all it took i ❤ good for them

just murdoc talking ab the party that they threw for thier deal and saying "you dont know how much of a dick i felt like [when carrying one of those huge checks]" like oh thats whatll make you a dick? alright.

A FOOD FIGHT THAT WENT SO HARD THAT IT KNOCKED 2DS TONSILS OUT? WHAT THE FUCK

ahshdj damon and murdoc not getting along bc of Rival Band One Uppery + damon calling murdocs cuban heels crap since ge wore steel ones with gold spurs.

MURDOC FEELIN EMBARRASSED BC HES 'QUITE PROUD OF HIS SHOES'

but the band and damon getting over music and their ambitions and became a "paternal figure"

HELP MURDOC SAID AWIOGA @ RACHEL WHICH MADE HER THROW HER DRINK IN HIS FACE AND SPLIT FROM 2D. kinda sad actually, she said i still like 2d but murdoc kinda ruined it by trying to get it in with me, it put a strain in our relationship :/ oh god murdocs That Dude

nov 31 1998: started recording :]

40 tracks that got cut down to 15 holy shit

KONG STUDIOS 🤲

hooking up cameras in every room ejdjsu

webby artist of the year in 2006? holy shit

noodle learning ab kong studios omfg

JFC. YES I KNEW KONG WAS BUILT ON/IN A CEMETERY BUT I DIDNT KNOW PPL FOR THE FUCKING PLAGUE WHERE THROWN THERE HDJD

built in 1739?

the ghost of the first owners ghost still roams around in the kitchen in the early hours and moans 'aaa glass of water'

theres some rotting bullshit near the studios and in the summer its fucking TERRIBLE

the former owners were a biker gang, and they all died in a fire

murdoc said this place has bad vibes. i want it.

grim weather

the building feels impossible to escape from huHgg

#rip lol i feel annoying but my blog my rights ig #brainworm ivy #gorillaz rambles

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horrible-monstrosity · 4 years ago

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inhales

My youtube history needs a fucking exorcism

That aside, what is it about this game that has people sucking its god damn cock so god damned hard? There's been like ninety the fuck billion "reject reality because sad and something something dreamworld" works already and I'm sure at least some of them have to be better than this undercooked pile of crap. And I keep seeing these fuckloads of Tumblr rejects praising it because "I'm a worthless brokebrain who doesn't want to put any effort at all into improving myself and this gaem validates my mental illness!!! uwu" ... That second point probably goes toward explaining the first, huh.

Also, when was it actually established that Funny had amnesia, and wasn't just refusing to face reality? I feel like it would have gone a lot differently if he straight up didn't remember it- like, he might have actually been able to leave the house normally, and been somewhat fine until something "triggered" his memories and sent him back into despair and running back home. And he just never shows any sign of not knowing something he should. Plus that takes a lot of agency away from him. Instead of him choosing to fight reality rather than face it, his brain just decides it for him, until he bumbles his way into not doing that anymore. Not that its actually possible to get a read of anything reasonable when the game has him just sitting there dead while everyone else argues about his dead sister and NO ONE THINKS THIS IS UNUSUAL. Like they're actually just expecting him to sit there and take it. They neither try to pull him into a conversation that very much concerns him nor think there's something horribly wrong with him just acting like a dead sack of potatoes while they discuss something that very much concerns him. It doesn't even come off like they're trying to be considerate, there's just... nothing. That's a problem throughout the whole game honestly, he just bumbles around in both the dream world and real world until he just kind of decides for no reason to face the real world. You know, it probably would help if the character you're deeply psychoanalizing isn't at the same time a generic-ass mute cipher character.

and let's talk about the dreamworl- despite failing to properly parallel za tweezt, it bothers to autistically parallel things inthe real worl that don't matter and that no one, audience or mori/funny alike, have any reason to care about. oh, ber is kergy, vance is van fogey, wow who fuck cares who the fuck even are these people to him? Having cunt princess, spacecuck and the sproutfucks be consoomer shit is also dumb as internally demonstrated by the game store having to inexplicably be some shitty outdated retro store to handwave funny knowing these characters when he hadn't left the house in four years. It's such a cheap and vapid form of parallelism, too- these things don't mean anything except muh clinging to childhood. And it makes shit that just doesn't have a parallel in the real world stand out like a sore thumb as well- like, what the fuck is Pluto? What's the job subplot supposed to mean? What the absolute fuck is th whale vore chapter?Why princesscunt try to marry hurro? does this have something to do with his relationship with murry? was omorashi concerned about one of them being stolen from him by the other? Naw, it's just because they're both single-point existences who do something very vaguely in line with their surface-level characteristics. Princess is cunt female and hurroo attractive male, so she wants his cock (in a childish g-rated way because muh clinging to childhood because muh trauma). As a connoseiur of metaphorical/parallel weirdshit (meguca and Kuuchuu Buranko fuck yeah) I'm seriously fucking offended by this poorly-constructed surface level fucking shit, put more effort into your goddamn metaphorical weirdfuckshit, this goes for you too eggfucks I have to wonder what the fuck omorashicat was doing that this shit took years to develop. it feels like she just did everything linearly and then just got to the end and was like OH FUCK SHIT GOTTA WRITE A CONCLUSION NOW JUST PUT SOMETHING IN RIGHT NOW FUCK.

By the way, why did Funny need to be told about hHuuro's nickname being sandwich rather than anything worthwhile? He knew about it before retreating to the dreamworl, so it didn't happen after he cut contact, so did he never wonder about it while he was friends with them? He never saw Huuuro deepthroating a fucklong sandwich? And why the fuck was whatsname prompted to suddenly tell Funny about it again? It was literally, like, nothing. Just like the nickname thing itself being nothing outside of HA HA FUNNY WACKY SANDWICH RANDOM LULZ fuck off

Oh you know what else fucking sucks, that random subplot about reul luif suck, you can't be chef on the side because be doktor? Like first off, why the fuck are Hero's parents forcing him to become a doctor? They're vaguely hispanic, not, you know... asian. Race jokes aside, you'd think him changing track to wanting to be doktor would have had something to do with Mari, the very important person in his life who fucking died- maybe her death made him want to save other people, maybe it was some dream of hers he decided to carry on. But no it's just some random unrelated "my parents are randomly dicks who decided to destroy my own life dreams for their personal satisfaction and I let them :)" shit. And then there's the matter of this theme/plot thread just being brought up once to generate misery and never again, never being connected to anyhing either. All it really does is force Kel to look like an immature retard who thinks dreams are a thing that matters, lol loser, not like Aubey who bla bl abl abl ahla bkablabalabba And don’t tell me this is what the job dream plot was supposed to represent, because there’s no correlation. Hero was actually quite fulfilled being sharkmang’s gopher/cocksucker until friendship came up, and everyone else’s problems were just childishness. It’s nothing Actually there's another thing, there's an odd undercurrent of characters being just a little bit... too immature for what they're supposed to be. Hero says he still thinks about Mari everyday and he cri everitiem, but... it's been four years, he's a grown-ass adult now, this was a teenage love interest. I'm not saying he needs to flat out get over it, no fucking shit, but he mourns like a child... or like a child's idea of mourning someone. Brazil's caretaker when he cadets sudoku, too, acts like an angsty teen or something. Like, you're presumably a professional at this, you've never had some troubled ward self-harm or die or anything? Who the fuck even was this woman in the end? I don't know whether it's a case of the characters being written as too immature or more like the writing itself is too immature to handle it, but it's... off.

and one moooore thiiing- there's a scene manry skipped over and never got back to, possibly because he was getting tired of this game's shit even if he still liked it in the end, but the comments covered it- after Mary's death, Hero shut himself up in his room and cried for a year straight, basically Omori's shut-in thing but a bit different. At some point Kel comes in to get him and he lashes out and makes his little bro cry/hurts him or something, and the parents come running in. Ok, fine so far, but then it gets a bit weird... at first I actually misread the comment, and thought the parents had come in and ignored Hero and just comforted Kel, and that's what snapped Hero out of his misery. That seems like it makes sense, right? The parents would care more about the younger, more impressionable child, especially if he's been hurt, and especially if they’d been neglecting the older one nayway. It's got a weird undercurrent of Hero finally realising that his own parents don't give a fuck about his misery after a year of uninterupted crying and accepting that is a good thing because it makes him go become doktor, but that's in line with some other... weird shit in the writing, including said plotline of Hero being forced into being a doctor by his parents in the first place. But actually what happened was, after Hero violenced on poor Kel, the parents... rushed in and suddenly flipped a switch so they only cared about Hero, and it was on Hero to show some compassion for Kel. Whut? The parents, after not giving a damn shit about their miserable older son for a year, and after he's (unintentionally, but they wouldn't know that) violenced their innocent younger son, they suddenly only give a shit about the older. Instead of, you know, giving a damn about both sons or something. This isn't even internally consistent, let alone thematically coherent or meaningful in anyway. It's just confusing. I don't know, maybe the commentor fucked the scene up, but it's weird.

fuck this my brain needs a fucking exorcism

and also finally him ending up in the hospital where his friends can visit him is kind of cheating the moving deadline and it really undermines the whole point of the game up until this point lmao fuck this shit i’m out

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kateofthecanals · 7 years ago

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For The (Not)Watch: Episode 7.1

The Great YAWN Begins

For all the jokes I made about needing Xanax for this, what I really needed was a handful of NoDoz... PRO TIP: If you’re gonna write endless scenes with nothing but dialogue, try to at least make the dialogue GOOD?

Anyway, let’s get on with it...

After an interminably long Previously On (which I guess is supposed to suggest that there are things that happened in previous seasons that will matter this season??), we get to our cold open. Why, WHAT THE HECK is Walder Frey doing there?? We just saw him killed I can’t possibly imagine what’s going on!! Fake!Walder has gathered his bros together to celebrate being total heroes and serves them all the finest arbor gold... all except for his new child bride, whom he says he doesn’t wanna “waste” good wine on. Everyone takes a good hearty gulp -- all except Walder GOSH IT’S SO WEIRD WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?? Then they start whooping it up about totally murdering the shit out of the Starks and everyone gets kinda awkward when Walder starts throwing some passive-aggressive shit out there about killing a pregnant woman, a mother of five, and violating Guest Right. Then it’s the Big Reveal -- as the Frey dudes start choking on their obviously poisoned wine, Walder's like

BECAUSE IT WAS REALLY ARYA ALL ALONG ZOMG!!! But she actually waits until they’re all dead before revealing this, which.... is even dumber and more pointless than serving Walder a Frey Pie he never actually eats. So, she saves the reveal for the wife only, which contradicts the earlier “spoiler” than Arya spares ALL the women, when, in fact, she only spares the child bride (who, admittedly, was in all likelihood blameless) in order to have someone bear witness. Arya then walks out of the room but not before doing the obligatory post-murder smug smirk that is mandatory of all female characters now.

So I GUESS this scene was supposed to be “dramatically satisfying”, but it left me cold, since (a) the Frey bros never actually got to know that they were being killed by a Stark, and (b) why does Arya have to always go for the most Extra™ method possible?? Oh that’s right, according to D&D, every decision Arya makes is based on “what's the most BADASS thing I could do??” Well, for starters, taking your Walder mask off BEFORE all his men died so they could see the true face of their killer would have been pretty badass, but what do I know, I never dropped out of Faceless Men School...

Credits roll, where they still insist that this is “Based on ASOIAF by GRRM”.

We then fade in to about 3 hours of a cold plain and a snowstorm, followed by a Wight Power March that culminates in learning that the Others have giants. Good to know.

Cut to Meera Reed and Bran ringing the doorbell at the Wall, where Edd answers with a couple bros in tow. He’s all “state your bizness” and Meera’s like “yo this is BRAN MUTHAFUCKING STARK” but Edd’s like “nah, prove it.” So Bran pulls down his breeches to show him the birthmark on his ass shaped like a direwolf. Just kidding, he goes full Miss Cleo on Edd and reads his diary out loud and Edd is like “sounds legit” and lets them pass. Not sure how that proves Bran is Bran though? Like, how does Edd even know that Bran is a greenseer? How does Bran saying “I know you fought at The Fist & Hardholme” prove he’s Bran Stark? Hello? Well, it doesn’t, but I guess it’s enough for Edd to know that Bran knows about the Night’s King. Though Edd would be a real shit to leave two kids on their own north of the Wall.

Then we move down to Winterfell where Prom King Jon is holding court, telling his peeps they gotta get theyselves some dragonglass to kill the white walkers. Then he announces that women and girls will be expected to fight as well cuz he #woke and Lyanna Mormont proclaims that she doesn’t “plan on knitting by the fire” while men fight for her -- another PRO TIP: if you’re a white male bro who wants to spew gross sexist rhetoric, just have a little girl say it and feminists everywhere will cheer! Anyway, let’s just hope SOMEONE is left behind to do some knitting, young lady, otherwise your sassy ass is gonna freeze to death. She then declares they’ll begin training every man, woman, boy, and girl on Bear Island... as if that’s something they don’t already do on Bear Island. Jon goes on to suggest that they need to man all the castles in the path of the white walkers, which Tormund is cool with but apparently Yohn Royce has something to say?? Uhhhh who let him in?? Sandra speaks up for the first time and Jon gives her a look like “bitch did I say you could talk?” Sandra thinks it’s a good idea to undermine Jon in front of the rest of the North, like yeah we get it he’s a usurper but can we save the bickering for later?? Basically Sandra wants all the Northern kids to pay for the crimes of their fathers and gosh hmmmmm where have I seen that before...?

So, cool, after absorbing Ramsay’s evil powers, Sandra seems to have taken on Joffrey’s as well...

Sandra then confirms that the Karstarks and Umbers died fighting for Ramsay; as we now know, the “original” ending to the Battle of the Bastards involved the Karstarks and Umbers turning on Ramsay but it was never filmed because D&D are hacks with no sense of realistic time management, so it appears that they just went ahead and officially retconned their own original intention and I guess it worked out well for them because it gives Sandra another thing to be a bitch about. Anyway, Jon’s like “I will not punish a son for his father’s sins and my decision is final GOT THAT SIS?” and to prove that everyone is cool now, he calls up Alys Karstark (why is she a redhead?) and an Umber kid (TinyJon?) and makes them swear fealty right there on the spot, which they do, and Sandra stares at them like she’s the witch from Hansel and Gretel... Insert random shots of Creepy Grinning Littlefinger and Slightly Concerned Davos.

Afterwards, Jon and Sandra go for a little stroll and, out of nowhere, Sandra invokes Godwin’s Law by comparing Jon to Joffrey --What??? Even Jon’s like “did you just fucking compare me to Joffrey?” And Sandra’s like “lol j/k you’re totes a good leader.” Then she goes on to drag Ned and Robb and outright calls them “stupid”.... Sigh. You know, if this show had GOOD writers, they could easily find a way to acknowledge Ned and Robb’s fuck-ups without having their daughter and sister call them stupid. Like, say, “Hey, Dad and Robb were great men but they made mistakes that we shouldn’t repeat. Let’s learn from them and do better.” Done, NO SLANDER NEEDED. Then Jon’s like, “You think Imma be smarter listening to YOUR crazy ass?” She says “Would that be so terrible?” YES, SANDRA, IT WOULD. Then Maester Whatshisnuts delivers a raven from Queen Cersei saying “come here and bend the knee, bitches” and Sandra’s like “yeah dummy, there’s a war to the South too!” Jon’s like “uhh I have bigger to fry” but Sandra insists that Cersei should be addressed because she’s found a way to murder all her enemies. Which, for some ungodly reason, prompts Jon to say “It sounds as if you admire her.” Which Sandra, instead of slapping him in his face for suggesting such a vile thing, replies almost wistfully “I learned a great deal from her.”

So add Cersei to the list of abusers that Sandra has decided to personify. #NOTMYSANSA

Speaking of, we jump to Cersei supervising the painting of a big floor map when Jaime comes in and she asks him if he’s afraid of her and his mouth says “no” but his eyes say “yes but it turns me on tbh”. Somehow she knows that Tyrion is Dany’s Hand and Jaime knows they will definitely land at Dragonstone, which apparently Stannis left unoccupied(!!?!?!). Cersei calls the girl whom not a minute ago we saw infer that she respected Cersei “that murdering whore Sansa Stark”, because Game of Thrones & Girl Power™. Cersei’s like “Literally everyone outside of the Red Keep is an enemy, how do we defeat them?” Jaime’s like, “Ummmm” and Cersei’s like “Nevermind, I have a totally awesome full-proof can’t miss idea!”

Very conveniently right at that moment, the entire Greyjoy fleet rolls up into the Blackwater. Jaime’s like “Seriously?? These jerks never keep their promises and always betray their friends” And Cersei is literally like, “Meh, everyone does.” (!!!!!???) Jaime’s like “No for real, the Greyjoys suck at life” and HE LITERALLY ADMITS THAT THE GREYJOYS DON’T GROW ANYTHING ON THE IRON ISLANDS AS THEY STAND THERE STARING AT A FLEET OF SHIPS THAT EURON TOLD HIS MEN TO “CUT DOWN TREES” FOR.

Cut to the throne room where Euron Both-Eyes proceeds to launch a thousand Twitter memes with his tight leather pants and guyliner, looking for all the world like a MCR reject. Or maybe I should say Mystery, as he attempts the Pick-Up Artist routine on Cersei. He and Jaime proceed to have a pissing contest involving faux-backstory (apparently Jaime was the reason Euron went into exile? lololol okay), and Jaime points out at that Euron kills his own kin as if that’s something that matters anymore. Euron’s like, “Cersei baby, I got a thousand ships and TWO GOOD HANDS!”

However, Cersei decides to play hard-to-get and is like “nah, you’re not trustworthy and you’ve broken promises and murdered your own brother and shit” and Euron’s just looking at her like “bitch didn’t you just blow up a church?” But Euron won’t be dissuaded! He says he’s gonna go out there and get Cersei a gift, a gift that she will be so HAPPY to receive that she will immediately divest her smallclothes. I WONDER WHAT IT COULD BEEEEE....

We then kick it Oldtown where Sam’s days are filled with books, shit, and soup. We are then treated to a soup-and-poop montage that lasted longer than Arya’s training at the HoB&W. (And no, D&D, the juxtaposition of books with shit was not lost on us, go fuck yourselves.)

Elsewhere at Hogwarts the Citadel, Sam goes to visit Professor Slughorn to ask him for access to the restricted section of the library (no, I am not making that up). Archmaester Slughorn (is this supposed to be Marwyn?) is like “sorry kid no acolytes allowed” so then Sam tries to sweeten the deal by revealing that he’s seen the White Walkers, and Slughorn quickly believes him and proceeds to pick up where the High Sparrow left off by launching into some long-winded nonsense that comes down to “don’t even bug about it, the Wall will protect us forever!” Sam doesn’t buy it, though, so that night he grabs his invisibility cloak and sneaks into the restricted area of the library!! And all I could think was, if Walder Frey suddenly pops up with a lantern complaining about acolytes being out of bed, I am gonna have a stroke.

We then jump back to Winterfell where Brienne is filling her 3-seasons-long wish of beating the snot out of poor Pod, which gets Tormund aroused (bleh). Speaking of creepy ships, Sandra is watching from overheard where Littlefucker comes up behind her and divulges how Brienne “beat the Hound in single combat” (how would he know that?), and Sandra’s like “Whoa she fought the Hound?? Is is okay?? OMG is he the ‘man’ that Brienne said was with Arya????”

HAHAHA just kidding she had no reaction at all.

So LF is basically like “pay attention to meeeeeeee” and Sansa is just like “creepers to the left please” until Brienne materializes and gives him stank-eye so he’ll leave. Brienne’s like “why the fuck is he even still here?” and Sansa says “we need his men” (by “his” I’m assuming she means Robin Arryn, Lord of the Vale??) and then is like “Littlefinger saved us! heehee” OMFG MAKE UP YOUR MIND, SANDRA.

Over in the Riverlands, Arya stumbles upon a free Ed Sheeran concert in the woods. Apparently, when it comes to mass murder, Arya is like a snake -- after a feeding, she’s good for like 6 months because girlfriend just rolled up on a handful of Lannister men just chilling and instead of immediately shanking them decides to hang out. Gee, D&D sure do like to show Arya bonding with Lannister surrogates, don’t they? And in the same episode where Sandra declares her respect for Cersei. Mixed messaging much...?

Anyway, Arya tells Sheeran his song is lit but she never heard it before and he’s like “just dropped my new single, download it on iTunes!” and then another guy offers her some rabbit. Turns out Arya happened upon the only decent Lannister men (or, MEN, period) in Westeros as none of them try to kill, molest, or bother her at all and are in fact very generous and sympathetic. Ooookay. They ask her why she’s going to KL and Arya “Faceless Men Dropout” Stark just casually states that she’s going to kill the queen, which they find hee-larious!

So, what exactly are we supposed to be taking away from this scene? On its own, it’s fine, but it lines up more with GRRM’s messaging than it does D&D’s and therefore feels out of place here. Which brings me to...

... the only scene in this episode I really give to shits about! So, while it’s brisk and sunny in Arya’s part of the Riverlands, it’s a goddamn blizzard over where Sandor and the BwB are journeying. Auntie Thoros is like “brrrr it’s cold!” and Sandor’s like “THANKS CAPTAIN OBVIOUS”. Thoros calls him a “grouchy old bear” and asks him why he’s always in a bad mood and Sandor’s like “um have you met me?” They then come upon a familiar farm that they think looks inviting but Sandor’s like “NOPE” and Thoros is like “what, are you SCARED?” and Sandor’s like “NO YOU ARE!!! AND YOUR TOP-KNOT IS STUPID TOO!!!” Thoros tries to entice him with the possibility of ale inside and Sandor’s like haha joke’s on you they have no ale cuz I fucking stole it all...

They make their way inside and Sandor sees the frozen corpses of the farmer and little girl he robbed back in Season 4 in a corner. Detective Dondarrion C.S.I. deduces that it was a murder-suicide and Sandor tries to brush it off, saying “It doesn’t matter now.” They sit down while Thoros builds a fire and Sandor points out that Beric is not special and actually kinda lame, so why did the Lord of the Light choose him when there are better men who deserve it more? Beric’s like “fuck if I know” but he knows that there’s a reason. Sandor’s like “why doesn’t the Lord of Light just tell you?” and again Beric has no answers. Sandor opines that it’s not fair that Beric is still alive but that little girl is dead...

Then Thoros is like “come stare into the flames with meeeee” and Sandor’s like “I don��t wannaaaaaaaa” but Thoros convinces him, and after a few moments of some skeptical squinting, Sandor’s like

And also a mountain shaped like an arrowhead. Sandor is SHOOK and Beric is like “TOLD YA.”

Later that night, Auntie Thoros wakes up to a ruckus outside, so he throws on his shawl goes out to see Sandor digging a grave for the farmer and the little girl. Yes, folks, after 2 seasons, we finally get The Gravedigger. Sandor is especially reverential as he lays the small bundle of the little girl into the hole. Thoros helps him fill the hole, then Sandor attempts to recite a prayer to the Seven but he doesn’t know the words. So he leaves it at a simple “I'm sorry you’re dead. Both of you. You deserved better.”

Am I... even watching the same show here?? I mean, aside from all the “cunting” and the “cocksucking”, this is the first time in a LONG time that I felt like we were seeing the REAL Sandor Clegane... the one from the books. The sequence by the gave in particular rang completely true for me. Now, as y’all know, I hate hate HATE that scene in Season 4 with a fiery passion, so I was actually glad to see some actual CONSEQUENCES being addressed. Yes, the same show where there is literally never any fallout for people’s shitty, nihilistic decisions, here we watch Sandor having to face the brutal reality of something extremely vile he did 3 years(?) prior. And not only did he confront it, he attempted to atone for it, of his own volition, in the only way he knew how. Here’s a man who realized his own hypocrisy in railing against an unjust system while simultaneously making these two innocent people a victim of it himself -- which, granted, NEVER should have happened in the first place, because Sandor would never do such a thing... but if the payoff for it was seeing this more compassionate, repentant side of Sandor, then I’ll take it.

Anyhoo, back at the Citadel, Sam is poring over some books with Gilly (why is she still there exactly?) when he flips a page and is like “EUREKA! Here’s a thing Stannis told me about 2 seasons ago that I conveniently forgot about until now!” Namely that Dragonstone is sitting on a goldmine of dragonglass. Sam immediately begins writing a letter to Jon.

Later on, Sam is on poop duty again and is cruising down the Hallway of the Damned when the busted arm of Jorah comes shooting through the wall. (Wow, somehow Jorah managed to get alllll the way to Oldtown but Dany’s not even to Dragonstone yet OH WELL!)

Speaking of which, AT LAST, 55 minutes in, we finally arrive at the location the entire episode is named for! It’s an extremely long, drawn-out sequence of Dany checking out her new digs, including the Stone Throne™, culminating with her running her hands all up and down the Westeros map table where Mel’s naked butt once was. Tyrion very generously allows her to have her moment and doesn’t get a single line. Then finally, Dany sits down at the table and asks the question I was asking the entire freaking episode: “Shall we begin?” YES, THAT WOULD BE NICE.

And there you have it. An insufferably boring beginning to what is supposed to be the penultimate GoT season. Just too bad they can’t afford to film in color anymore, otherwise this might have actually seemed rather grand...

Until next week!

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