#loki: you know i actually heard an interesting tale on Midgard about someone called Rindr

[worstloki]

- "Sup everyone. So. The Avengers got to go home, hooray! I love having some privacy around here. I should probably apologize for getting their hopes up on my beheading which took place before they left though... yeah no Hela simply sent me back. Thank you Hela. I love you too."

- "HOW DOES HE KNOW ABOUT HELA?!" "father who are you talking about?" "HOW DOES HE KNOW ABOUT HER?????"

- "update on the wicked cool space pirate: her name is Sigyn and I think i'm in love. might have to accept her proposal on sheer principle. "

- "Another day, another attempt to turn the universe dark again. Seriously Malekith, just get yourself some shades. Same effect I promise."

- "The Song of Alfheimr is a must-read. I cannot stress enough how well written this book is. It also explores the legend of the realm's founding in a symbolic AND literal way with an added plausible theory on the Nexi's formation running through the lands, a definite 9/10 from me on that one. Much more insightful than The History of Alfheim which is Asgard's preferred reading when teaching of the realms."

- Caller: You are not my prince. You will never be a true Asgardian prince. TReacherous fiend!!!"

Loki: Hm. Actually I think you may be right. Princess it is, then. I've been feeling like I should mix things up a little anyway. Thank you for the advice!

- "Amora i am begging you to get Odin to marry you. You were so close yesterday. PLEASE try again. that was hilarious."

- "Thor uses an axe now! I'm not sure what happened to the hammer but my personal theory is he got drunk and partied hard and left it somewhere and is too hungover to remember it can be summoned to his hand."

- "No, the mis-sommarind festival is not a good time to stage a coup. Yes, Asgard will be vulnerable to attack on the di-double moon."

- "LORELEI IS BACK GUYS!!! She's in a cell a bit further down and when we yell we can talk !!! :D!!! Asgard is SO lousy with security !!! I would like to personally thank Odin for letting me speak to an old friend again. :) "

- "Ok so Lorelei's been moved far FAR away from me as I had hoped bc mind magic freaks me out now. Thanks for that Maw. Yes I know you're tuning in too. I'm not an idiot."

- [Thanos calls in]

Loki: Hi! What can I do for you dear caller of mine? :)

Thanos: You--

Loki: *hangs up*

Loki: so we'll be skipping that segment today and replacing it with another quick run-through of the world wide wonders of the gender spectrum.

- "If anyone wants a dragon scale Amora and I went out and collected 2. Near-mint condition they're freshly plucked and one's aquamarine while the other is gold-stained. Payment will only be accepted by pledging undying fidelity to Amora and joining her army of simps or by airdropping me pictures of all the Midgardian Avengers getting wedgies. Yes, Peter Parker, as a non-member you are allowed to attempt this. As are Sindr's spies currently keeping an eye on the realm. Go crazy. Have fun. Malekith I'm not having a great afternoon so if you fail another darkness spell I will NOT be available to help for... at least 3 days. I think."

- "Queen Freya, congratulations on your wedding! May you live happily alongside your chosen companion. The dessert was sublime."

"He's met the Vanir queen???"

"Queen Freya got married???"

"It wasn't political???"

"We missed out on desserts???"

"LOOOOOOKKKIIIIIIIIII!!!"

- "...and then that was when Tyr, alleged master tactician, head of the army, had gotten the recruits to charge in. you know, like a fool. anyway, I had veiled everyone in smoke and we got out alive, but Tyr's arm unfortunately was lost. i'd call it a shame the wolf got to him but Fenrir had never been hostile and everyone knows that's his cave specifically so.... yeah. A bit of chomp chomp bite kill was warranted."

- "Dear diary, this week Odin gave another speech on how Thor would rule the realms mightily. Shifting through the propaganda gets tiring, but the lack of pillaging plundering and slavery in the history section of the speech was duly noted. When will Daddy Dear learn not to lie :("

- "Frigga. Frigga please. Now is NOT the time to visit your sister. It's been centuries since you tried speaking to her. And now that she's married you're turning up? You're not even being subtle. Tsk tsk."

- “so Sigyn and I have decided to eventually get married if our friendship goes well and we shall do it with the Tesseract technically qualifying as a witness in accordance with Asgardian law. She’s back to space-pirate-ing for now tho. And is super cute. If you ever see her out in the wild be sure to kneel, and grovelling surely wouldn’t be amiss. Hopefully I’ll legally be out of prison soon enough. Can’t wait for Odin to be overthrown lmao.”

- "Cloudy over Asgard, someone should check up on Thor, hopefully the acidic rain over Muspelheim will cease by next week, Jotunheim and Nifleheim shouldn't experience any change but a band of Light Elves are experimenting with weather alteration so expect Things in both Alf and Svartalf areas. Midgard continues to be far too diverse for it's own good so I'm not going to try. hmmm. If i had to guess I would assume a light asteroid shower in Nidavellir some time tomorrow."

concept: a weekly podcast where loki talks about what’s been going on around Asgard and correctly recounts old quests they went on when younger and whatever wack sci-fi thing thor has gotten involved in now